Hands on Me
by IndependenceIndividuality
Summary: What do you do when nothing makes sense anymore? What if you’re forced to figure it out while you’re running for your life? What if the person you’re running with is the person who makes the least sense of all? A Jacob and Renesmee story. NOW COMPLETE.
1. In Which the AirNose Sound Irritates

**_A/N: _**Hello everyone! I'm not really a big Twilight fan *dodges copies of New Moon*, but I have read all the books a few times and I fell in love with the Jacob/Renesmee storyline. This begged me to be written. I've got about five chapters done now, and I'll try to update twice a week, but I can't promise anything. I really love Jacob's character - Renesmee's too, really, and I know they're not as popular in the fandom as other characters *coughEdwardandBellacough*, but I know there are some fans out there. This will probably end up M, so I'll rate it high just in case. I appreciate any and all feedback, theories, ideas, etc.

**Disclaimer: **I am not Stephanie Meyer - just a sorta-kinda-only-on-wednesdays-in-the-closet fan. I also don't own the lovely quote by Oscar Wilde or the title, which is the title of a Vanessa Carlton song that I found strangely fitting. Don't sue me, please.

* * *

**Chapter One: **In Which the Aggravated-Air-Through-Nose Sound Irritates

* * *

_if you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh. otherwise, they'll kill you._

_- oscar wilde_

_._

I was running. Running like I'd never ran before, the ground flying under my feet, the sky blurring around me, the air rushing past my face as I hurled myself further and further into happy oblivion. I darted through trees and over lakes and around valleys, feeling for all the world as though my life was perfect. Once I reached the Washington state border, though, I knew I had to turn around and return home. I let the wind carry me back, leaping and bounding and hoping more than absently that this forest wasn't a frequent of hunters. My family wouldn't take too kindly to me coming home with a bullet wound or winding up on the front page of the paper.

I slowed to a human pace as I reached the edge of clearing to our home, a familiar voice ricocheting off the walls at an inhuman octave. Though to be fair, of any home, ours seemed to be the most likely place for inhuman things to occur.

I stepped through the door and into utter chaos.

"A BACKYARD WEDDING?" Alice shrieked, looking as though someone had suggested she murder children and sell their organs on the black market. "WITH A _FISHING_ THEME? Who in their _right mind_, would choose to get married with a _fishing theme?"_

She glared around at us when no one answered. My mother and father sat quietly together on the loveseat, whispering to each other and Rosalie and Jasper were highly involved in a game of chess on the floor not far away. Emmett, on the other hand, sitting as close as possible to Alice in order to better enjoy the chaos, was quick to egg her on.

"I don't know, Alice – maybe we could all wear fishing hats with reels and bobs on them or something." He grinned, knowing exactly what he had done. Mom shot him an exasperated look as Alice started up again.

"_Fishing hats! _With _reels and bobs_? It is _unacceptable_, it is _blasphemy_, that's what it is – an insult to the sanctity of marriage. I _cannot _allow it to occur!"

I smelled a familiar scent wafting in from the open door, just before I felt a warm hand slip into mine. I immediately felt better. I looked up at my personal sun, who grinned down at me quickly, before turning to survey the scene with interest.

"What can she not allow to occur?" He asked me absently, watching Alice from the corner of his eye as though she might begin to spit venom. I would have to admit, if they allowed her to go on in this fashion for much longer, she just might.

"A fishing theme," I replied, pretending to wrinkle my nose in distaste. "Apparently, it is a shame to humanity."

Jake stared back at me with wide eyes.

"A fishing theme? Oh, the horror!" He cried, and dove behind me as though he would use me for a shield.

"Not a fishing theme!" He pretended to sob from behind my waist. He used the placement of his hands to his advantage, and tickled me. I wiggled in his arms and shrieked with laughter, which unfortunately, brought Alice's attention upon us.

"And _you_!" She shrieked, pointing a finger in our direction. I was suddenly very scared. "You filthy stinking _dog_! I stuck up for you! I liked you! I even told you when Rosalie spit in your food!"

Rosalie chuckled from somewhere behind Alice. Was it me, or did Alice seem much bigger than before? Jake appeared to be using me as a shield for real this time. I wonder what was going on.

"_How _long have you known about this, traitor?" She asked imperiously. Although I was scared for Jake, I was just glad to know wasn't about me. I tried to move away, but he clung tight to my waist, peeking at Alice from the space between my side and arm.

"About two weeks?"

I wondered absently if it was uncertainty about the length of time or fear from Alice's reaction to the truth that made his answer seem like a question.

"And _how_ long do I have left?" She demanded.

"Um . . . two weeks?"

"_Two weeks_! _How_ am I supposed to plan an acceptable wedding in _two weeks_!"

"Who's getting married?" I burst out before I realized. It felt like everyone turned to look at me.

Alice narrowed her eyes at me as though answer was all my fault before she turned away. I was confused – what did any of this have to do with Jacob?

"You tell her, Bella!" She shouted as she ran up the stairs, gracefully, but with a purpose. Like her regular dancing style, but set to a war march. "You know I don't like to yell at her and I _cannot_ talk about this any more! I have too much to do!"

Everyone was silent for a minute, like they were trying to make sure Alice wasn't coming back. I heard the sound of a huge book being thrown onto a bed, so I assumed she wasn't.

My mom looked up at me and smiled brilliantly, reaching her hand out to me. I tried to walk forward and take it, which was when I realized Jake was still using me as his shield.

"She's gone, Jake," I said, trying to pull free. He glanced upwards and I knew he was listening for footsteps to signal her return. When he seemed satisfied, he straightened up, once again towering over me.

"Man! She can be scary when she wants to be . . ."

"I thought you weren't scared of _bloodsuckers_?" I shuddered at the word Jacob sometimes used for my family, though he tried not to. Sometimes he slipped up.

"I'm not." He assured me, raking his hand through his hair. I noticed his bicep flexed with the movement and I heard my dad exhale sharply through his nose.

_What?_ I thought in his direction.

"It has absolutely nothing to do with her being a bloodsucker," he continued, throwing himself of the couch next to Uncle Emmett. "It has to do with her being scary. Did you see the spit flying out of her mouth? If she was a cartoon, her head would be on fire."

I giggled and stepped forward to take my mom's hand and she pulled me down to sit between her and dad on the loveseat. It was a tight fit – I was a lot bigger than I used to be when I sat with them like this.

"Well . . ." she started, her eyes sparkling with excitement. "Your Grandpa Charlie and Aunt Sue are getting married!"

"Oh!" I exclaimed, the fishing theme making sudden sense then. "That's great! When . . . where – what –"

Dad, sensing my struggle and already knowing what I wanted to ask, cut me off and saved me a lot of rambling.

"Like Jacob said, the wedding is in about two weeks. Like he also said, he's known for about two weeks. They've known for about three weeks, but Alice wasn't keeping tabs on them, so she only saw it when they set the date. Obviously, she's upset." Dad smirked, the corners of his mouth turning up and for a second I could really see why he was always salivated over when in public. "Good one with the black market baby organs thing – that was funny."

Jake shot me a weird look and I grinned, really cheesing it. He couldn't help but grin back, but he did look at me a little like I was insane. My dad made the aggravated-air-through-nose sound again. It was irritating me – what was wrong with him?

_What, Dad? _I thought at him again, but he ignored it. Again.

"So how did Jacob know?" I wondered aloud, looking at the wolf in question, but it was Dad who answered.

"The pack mind. Seth knew, so naturally so did everyone else." Dad's facial expression changed for a fraction of a second as he saw something in Jacob's thoughts. "Leah was kind of upset that they hadn't told her."

Jacob mumbled something that sounded like "yeah, well, would you?" but I wasn't sure if that was supposed to mean wouldn't we have been upset or would we have told her.

"Don't answer that," I said quickly to my dad as he opened his mouth. I know Jacob got sick of him being in his head, especially when he kept airing his private thoughts aloud. I think he knew what I did, because he grinned at me again.

Jake had the absolute best smile. It was literally my favorite sight in the world. It was like the sun in winter, warming you and making you happy. It's always been like that, though; I see no reason why that should now draw another weird air-through-nose sound from my dad.

_What, Dad? What? If you aren't going to answer me, then quit huffing and puffing, because I have no idea what you're mad about._

He again ignored me, so I decided he would rather stop with his irritating noises. I suddenly remembered about the subject at hand. I turned back to my mom.

"So, how are you, Mom? Are you happy?" I asked her.

"Oh, yes," she assured me, and wrapped me into a cold stone embrace. "I'm glad Charlie's found someone to spend his life with and I'm really excited to have Seth as a brother. I tried to call Leah to discuss it with her, but she seemed less than willing." My mother's beautiful face frowned for a second before it brightened up. "But I hope that changes. I really want us to be on good terms."

"Me too, Mom. I'm sure she'll come around."

Jake snorted, his eloquent way of telling us he doubted it. I did too, but nobody had to tell my mom that. I shot a look at him and the corners of Dad's mouth twitched. So we were on to irritating facial tics then?

He frowned at my thought.

_Well, you know what they say about eavesdroppers . . ._

He mumbled something that sounded like 'Bella' at about the same time Mom asked Jake and I if we were hungry. I wasn't really, but obviously Jake was, so Mom danced into the kitchen and began stirring up a mixing bowl of eggs. Jake got up at followed her, his wolf-instincts always pointing him in the direction of food, and looked back and me to see if I was following. I waved him forward, and turned to look at my dad.

Instead of looking at me, he pretended to watch Uncle Emmett, who was making his way up the stairs, probably on his way to go irritate Alice (I would miss him), muttering happily to himself, "I am _so_ wearing a fishing hat to that wedding . . ."

_Dad – _I started to think, but then Rosalie interrupted my train of thought with her victory cry as she triumphed over Jasper. Uncle Jasper just rolled his eyes and began to reset the chessboard.

_Dad, why are you _–

"NESSIE!"

Ugh. I love Jacob, but he really does have the worst timing. I looked away so I wouldn't catch the facial tick that I'm sure was coming. I decided to give up – I'd try another time.

"Nessie, food's almost done! I'm not leaving you any if you don't hurry!"

"You sure enough will!" I heard mom scold and then a sharp sound and a "ouch" as I assume she hit him with something. A wooden spoon, by the sound of it.

I got up and touched my dad's cheek before I made my way into the kitchen, sending him a silent _I love you_. He caught my hand as I made to walk away and kissed it. "I love you, too," he whispered and I couldn't be mad at him anymore. Why did my family always do that?

I tried to ignore this thought as I consumed my two eggs to Jacobs eight. I really didn't care too much for the taste of most human food, but Grandpa Carlisle is all about "playing it safe" and making sure my "two contrasting halves stay cohesive" and a bunch of other medical stuff that basically amounts to I have to eat human food most of the time. I'm allowed to hunt about once or twice a month. My family usually hunts about that much, but my human half burns up a lot more energy for some reason, so if I was living entirely off of blood, I'd hunt much more often.

We were quiet while we ate because Jacob generally chokes when he tries to talk with that much food in his mouth, but he finished before me anyway.

"Are you gonna eat that?" He asked me when he was done.

"Yes," I said, even though I wasn't and already knew how this would end.

"Then why aren't you eating it?" He asked in a polite and curious tone I knew wouldn't last long.

"I am. Just because I'm not _inhaling _it –"

"I resent that," he interrupted quickly, pretending to look offended. "I do not inhale my food. I simply eat very quickly. It isn't my fault that your weak half-human eyes can't handle the speed."

"Oh, please," I snorted, but pushed my plate to him anyway.

"Fang 'oo," he said around a mouthful of eggs, which I imagine is an expression of gratitude in hungry wolf language.

He finished really quickly and put both our plates in the sink, before grabbing the gallon of milk from the refrigerator and drinking straight from it. Aunt Rose was always telling me not to drink after him when he did that for fear I'd get rabies. Hoping she wasn't watching, I took the jug when he offered and swallowed a few quick chugs before putting it back.

I heard her mutter from the living room, "Don't cry to me when you start foaming at the mouth. . ."

Jake did too and he barked with laughter.

"Well, of course, it's funny to you," I heard Aunt Rose's voice call. "You already foam at the mouth."

"Hey, Blondie," he called, and I already knew what was coming. "Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?"

"To get away from the werewolf stink," she shot back and groaned at what could only be one of Jasper's moves. And then to Dad, "D'you think that would work? A glass wall?"

"Nope," Jake answered unfazed as I rolled my eyes and placed our dishes in the dishwasher, trying to be nice to Grandma and save her some time. "To see what was on the other side. Ha!"

He cracked up for a bit at his own wit. I waited for him with my arms crossed and foot tapping, smiling not at his joke but his happiness. I thought I heard another air-nose sound from the living room.

_I thought we were done with that?_

Of course there was no reply.

"Are you ready?" Jacob asked me, offering his hand.

I had to reach up to take it. "Yeah. First Beach?"

"Sure," he said, as we walked at an almost human pace out the door.

"Bye!" We called together and then started cracking up.

A chorus of bye's came from the house (Alice's voice understandably absent, since she was not in her happy place), and one distinct, "Good bye,_Renesmee_."

Three guesses who.

As we made our way to the forest edge, there was the distinct sound of Alice's Gigantic Scary Wedding Book (that was mom's name for it) hitting the floor.

* * *

Remember, reviews are my crack and rehab is just too expensive.


	2. In Which There is Humiliation and Eggs

**_A/N: _**Yeah, so no one's reviewed, but I figure (wishful thinking) that it might be because the first chapter is a little boring, but this is the chapter where things start to heat up, so maybe it will inspire people to review. Constructive criticism is welcome - also, I'm not writing from experience (I'm a practicing Muslim and don't believe in physical contact before marriage), so I'm sorry if things aren't realistic. I have a phobia of the overly romantic, so I tried to be as realistic as possible without getting ridiculous. Feedback, please?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the Twilight universe, or any of its characters. Nor do I own the quote below from a Plus 44 song. I do own the sarcastic sense of humor that comes out in everything I do, though - sorry about that.

* * *

**Chapter Two: **In Which Humiliation Comes in the Form of Eggshells

* * *

_and I won't pretend i understand._

_- +44, little death_

-

I looked at the contrast of our skin, russet against alabaster, as his large hand slid up my leg, leaving trails of fire in its wake. The scene around us was constantly in flux: First Beach, his bedroom at La Push, the forest floor, and the most frequent scene, the hood of the Rabbit. He ran his nose slowly over my jaw line and across my cheekbones, my breath coming out in short, irregular bursts. He chuckled against my neck and my body moved of its own accord, rising up to meet his. I could feel the heat from his body, even through his shirt, and I grasped at it for purchase as I tried to pull myself upwards, to meet the lips now out of my reach.

He lifted me onto the hood of the Rabbit, and I lay back to look at him, breathless. He stared down at me with a look I didn't understand in his eyes, and then he was on top of me, and his hands were everywhere: My legs, my arms, my neck, my sides – hardly any part of me left untouched, yet I was still unsatisfied. His hair hung in shining black curtains around us and I couldn't help but run my fingers through it, push it back from his face so I could see him more clearly in the moonlight. It was soft under my fingers like I knew it would be, like I had felt a thousand times before, but this was different.

He leaned forward, slowly, impossibly slowly, and our noses touched. I wanted to reach forward, close the final inch, but I waited. His opened his mouth to speak and his breath came out in hot gasps that I could taste on my tongue, like aftershave and pine trees and October and –

"Nessie."

My heart stopped.

"Nessie!"

My eyes flew open. It took me a second to realize I wasn't dreaming anymore, because the face above me now was the same face from the dream. I did realize, though, and my heart stuttered back into action, working double time. I gasped and nearly flew back on the bed.

My palms automatically turned over to grip the sheets – _traitors_. He hadn't touched them, had he? Oh, no, what if he had? What if he had seen . . .

"J-Jacob?"

I paused to analyze him, to make sure he didn't know. He didn't look any different than usual – maybe a little worried, but not repulsed or disgusted or amused. And definitely not breathless and dark-eyed like the Dream Jacob had been as he leaned forward –

"Nessie, are you all right?"

He came to sit on the edge of the bed and flinched when I scooted further away. My legs were clenched together; there was a tightness in my stomach I couldn't understand, and I . . . felt strange. Really strange. The foreign feelings hadn't left when the dream had.

Jacob seemed to check himself for a moment, but then reached his large hand out to rub my neck. It was something he had done a hundred times before, a thousand even, and now it was different. Why?

"Renesmee, look at me."

My eyes flew up at my full name. He never called me by it. But there was something else – the Alpha voice. I told myself that it was only natural my stomach should clench harder at the sound of his voice, only because I was nervous, and nothing at all to do with anything else.

"Are you _okay_?" He asked me, softer this time. His eyes were warm and brown, darker than mine, almost black, but not anywhere near as dark . . . I let my thought trail, I shouldn't be thinking such things.

So what if I had a stupid dream? I have stupid dreams all the time, there's no need for anybody to freak out, especially me. No need for me to scare Jacob or – I jumped as I remembered my father and Jacob dropped his hand like he'd been burned.

"Where's my dad?" I demanded, thanking God they went hunting last night.

Please don't let them be back. If he heard . . . he'd kill me, he'd never let me see Jacob again, I'd never live it down. I almost began to hyperventilate before I caught myself. I took a few deep, calming breaths and tried to work everything out in my head.

When I looked back up at Jake, I realized the panicky minutes since I woke up were in reality just a few seconds and I sighed.

"Nessie – are you okay?"

I tried to smile, but it felt wrong, so I just nodded.

"Yes, Jacob. Do you know where my dad is?"

He scrutinized my face for a sign I was lying. He usually knew straight away, but I hoped that if I had any good karma in the world that it would come down on me now and help him believe me.

"He's still hunting. Him, Bella, and Emmett will be back this afternoon - they went pretty far out. Emmett said he was hunkering for some grizzly." He rolled his eyes and I smiled. I couldn't help it. The tightness subsided a little, and I felt . . . disappointed? Lacking? It was strange.

"Are you _sure _that you're all right?" He asked again, getting to his feet and looking like whatever I said he wouldn't believe.

"Yes, Jake. I just had a bad dream and you freaked me out – _God._" I tried to sound irritated, but I smiled. He grinned back, a slow smile that took a minute to hit you. When it did, it felt like someone had opened a curtain and flooded the room with light.

"Sure, sure," he said, reaching down and snatching me to my feet. I was pretty short and he was really tall, so even standing on my bed I was only barely taller than him. He wrapped me in a wolf hug and the smell of autumn overwhelmed me. I overcame it quickly and made sure I placed my palms directly on his clothed back so nothing would transfer to him.

"Don't scare me like that again," he said in my ear, and I immediately felt bad.

I shouldn't have scared him. Whatever weird, perverted stuff that's going on with me shouldn't get the way of our friendship. He probably thought I was losing my mind. Well, I was losing my mind . . . but probably not how he thought . . . I shook my head to get the image out. That would have to stop. I would have to learn to control myself.

"Sorry," I apologized, and he offered me a hand off the bed. I didn't need his hand and he knew that, but I'm sure he was just trying to be nice. What he didn't know what that I _couldn't _take his hand. Not until I learned how to better control . . . myself.

"What, I had a bad dream, so I'm useless now?" I taunted and jumped lightly down.

I stuck my tongue out, and he returned the favor and it was easy. Everything was so easy. Why was I trying to make it hard?

"Breakfast?" He asked, as I skipped ahead of him to the hall.

"I'm not hungry," I sort-of lied. I was kind of anxious to get to the big house, where there were more people. Maybe I could act like I had a little more sense if I was surrounded by my family.

"You really should eat something," he coaxed just as his stomach growled loudly.

"Translation: Nessie can you cook for me please, because I'm hungry and don't want to sound rude?" I joked at him as he made himself comfortable on a bar stool in the kitchen and looked at me expectantly.

"Since when do I care about sounding rude?" He returned. Touché. "I _am _hungry, but I _do _think you should eat something. And I know that because you're such a kind, sweet, considerate girl and you love me _so _much – "

I raised my eyebrows at him, but he held up a finger to shush me and continued without pause.

" – you wouldn't _dare _leave your _best_ _friend _so _hungry_ while you stuffed your face."

I laughed at him and threw an egg shell, whose contents I had already emptied into a mixing bowl, at his head. He caught it perfectly, his large palm closing easily around it, even though it was a rather large egg.

"Look, Ness," he said, as I cracked another egg.

I looked over to see him sprinkling a fine white powder onto the countertop. Although, he was a werewolf and it was just an empty egg shell, he seemed happy with himself, so I was too. You have to admit, it was pretty cool.

"Was that the egg shell?" I asked, knowing the answer.

"Yep," he grinned, popping the 'p'.

"Here, do the rest while I cook," I said a moment later, handing him the carton full of empty shells.

A werewolf with ADD could only go so long without some form of entertainment before he started meddling with something, something generally being me, which was irritating. Also, I had inherited some of my mother's clumsiness along with her eye color, so it wouldn't be a good idea for Jake to be messing with me while I attempted to cook things.

I watched him from the corner of his eye as I cooked (probably not a good idea, all things considered) as he entertained himself. I might laugh, but I do the same sort of stuff most of the time, so I didn't want to remind him enough to throw it back at me.

By the time I was done, there was a tiny mound of fine white powder on the countertop, which Jacob swept into his palm when he saw me coming with food. He made his way to the garbage can as I set the mixing bowl and two spoons (one giant and one average sized) on the counter.

"Nessie," he called, and when I turned the first thing my eyes honed in on were his lips. They were perfect, a few shades darker than the rest of his skin, and at this moment pursed amazingly. By the time I took in the rest of the image, it was too late – he had blown the pile of egg shell powder into my face.

I sputtered and coughed very glamorously for a few moments before I felt Jake's huge palm, beating the living daylight's out of my back. He quickly rushed to the sink and filled a glass of water, which he brought to my lips. I gulped down two swallows and was finally able to return my breathing to normal.

"Damn, Nessie," he swore when I looked sheepishly up at him, too embarrassed to even be angry. "I thought for sure that wasn't going to work. I gave you like two seconds of reaction time, so I reckoned you'd end up blowing it back in my face."

If I wasn't red before, I was now. Damn my mother for giving me her klutziness, blushes and inability go a day without embarrassing myself. Sure, she could be proud of it now, when she was all vampire and perfect. But then I realized Jake didn't like vampires all that much, and the idea suddenly appealed to me much less.

"Sorry," I mumbled, hoping he hadn't caught me gawking.

"Sure, sure," Jacob's eyes rolled back in his head for a moment. "It's entirely your fault that I blew eggshell in your face and you nearly choked to death. You should be ashamed of yourself." He knocked me on the shoulder. "Now, are you all right? Let's eat."

I chewed my eggs quickly, in a hurry to leave. I was surprised when I looked up to find Jacob staring at me. Oh, I bet I still had that damn eggshell on my face.

"What?" I said self-consciously, wiping at my face to remove all traces of something that was in my opinion was more disastrous than Anthrax.

"It's just . . . " he seemed to think about it for a minute. "What was your dream about? Your nightmare, I mean."

My heart started to race, and not the good way. Not the oh, that was a good dream, or wow, I can't wait for this but in the really scary, really nervous way. "W-why do you ask?"

I cursed myself for stuttering.

"No reason, really, it's just . . . it didn't look like a nightmare." The corners of his mouth twitched to show me that he didn't think I was lying, he was just curious. "You looked really peaceful. I mean, your breathing was weird, but you looked fine and you said –"

So this must be what it feels like to have a heart attack.

I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, I couldn't _see_ – but apparently, on the outside I looked calm. Surely smoke must be billowing from my ears or my nose should grow a few inches, surely there had to be some physical manifestation of a panic attack so large. But Jacob just stared at me sheepishly, unable or unwilling to finish his sentence, looking shy but not at all like I'd grown another head or combusted into ashes.

"What did I say?" I didn't look at him, but to my credit, I didn't stutter either.

"'Jacob'," he said quietly. "You said my name. So it was weird – I mean, not that you said my name, but just that you looked fine and then I woke you up and you freaked out and started talking about nightmares and your dad and –"

He stopped himself, and waited for my answer. My mind was spinning a mile a minute the entire time he was talking and I was ready.

"I had a dream that we were lost," I lied, not exactly easily, but at least my voice didn't break. "Me and you and Dad had went hunting and we lost you, and then Dad went to find you and I was alone. So I was walking around calling for you."

It was still a bit embarrassing, this made-up dream, but much better than the truth. I summed up, "So that's probably why I said 'Jacob'."

"Oh," he said, his eyebrows stitching together like he was trying to work something out. "Okay, I guess."

"I mean," I said, standing up and brushing off my pajamas before taking the dishes to the sink. "You're my best friend! What would I do if I lost you?"

His face brightened and I hoped I had successfully lightened the situation.

"But I'm not through with that," Jacob said, reaching from across the counter to grab the mixing bowl of eggs from my hands. I was jealous of his height.

And appreciative . . . I stopped that thought right there. I was proud of myself. See? I could do it. I could be normal.

"Well, you finish with that, then, and I'll go take a shower. Then we can head up to the big house, okay?"

"Mmph'n'grgle." Jake's full mouth said to my retreating back. I laughed and scampered down the hall.

I took my time in the shower, knowing Jake would be fine by himself. I'd probably get out to find my drawers plundered through and my mp3 player with a few new added playlists, but that was a risk one took when leaving Jacob unsupervised in your home.

I let the hot water flow over me and instead of giving myself over to the dream and feelings from this morning, I tried to push them back. My dad would be back in a few hours and I didn't need to be dealing with any of _that _with him in a ten mile radius. I washed my hair with my favorite shampoo, coming to the conclusion that one always felt much better when one smelled of pomegranates.

After brushing my teeth, I cut off the shower, and wrapped one towel around my head and another tightly around my body. I peeped from the bathroom and checked quickly in either direction for Jacob, then ran at full tilt to my bedroom.

Problem was, Jake was already there. He was standing, as I predicted, with my mp3 player in hand, scrolling down the options. I therefore made a very attractive squeaking noise before running full tilt _back _to the bathroom.

"Nessie?" I heard him call out in confusion and I could almost see him looking around for the source of the noise.

"Um . . . yeah, Jake, I'm in the bathroom!" I called back. "Can you go back to the living room so I can go in and get dressed?"

"Oh, yeah! Sorry," he said and I heard him head down the hallway. I slipped behind the door as he passed the bathroom and once I was sure he was back safely in the living room, I darted to my room.

After checking twice that the door was firmly shut, I threw off both my towels and gazed into my closet in dismay. I was in what Alice liked to call a tizzy – but only because it bothered Aunt Rose. I needed to avoid hand-to-skin contact at all cost today, especially with Jacob. I thought I had my thoughts under control, but better safe than sorry, and until I figured out what was wrong with me, I couldn't afford any mistakes.

I never really got cold, but I hoped people would distracted enough today to accept my flimsy excuse as I pulled on a pair of jeans Alice would never approve of and a large sweatshirt that used to belong to Jake. It was from, in his words, "back when I was skinny", so it was large, but not massively so. I'd cut holes around the cuffs for my thumbs to go through, which was perfect: almost full hand coverage!

I quickly pulled back my hair and was seriously considering going without shoes as I usually did, but realized that didn't go well with my being cold excuse, so I threw on a pair of socks and the one pair of converse shoes Alice allowed me to keep and went out to meet Jacob.

"Aw – my skinny jacket!" He shouted when I came out, obviously much more happy to see the jacket than me. He tossed me my mp3 player with an irritable, "nothing good in there anyway" before he began to talk affectionately to my shirt.

"Aw – I remember when I first got you, I was so skinny. Like little Nessie here, but not as bad. I loved you so much and wore you everyday until Billy took you from me because he said he was sick of you. How could anybody be sick of you? But I found you, yes I did, and then Nessie _stole you_." He faux-glared at me, and then gripped me in a hug, which I can only assume was meant for the shirt.

We managed to keep a straight face for about three seconds before we both fell out on the floor laughing.

"Oh – my – God –" I managed to get out between stomach-cramping peals of laughter. "You – are – so stupid!"

He laughed for a few more seconds and then straightened up.

"I know. It's what I do." He said, still chuckling. "You ready?"

He offered me his hand and I hesitated. I never had before. I never had a reason to before. My subconscious was ruining my entire life! It wasn't fair.

I took his hand cautiously, trying to touch as little of his skin as possible and counting backwards in French. When the tips of my fingers curled around his palm, I watched his features. Nothing changed.

I exhaled.

"I'm ready."

It was going to be a long day.

* * *

So, how 'bout them apples?


	3. In Which Nessie Makes a Promise

**_A/N: _**Okay, so here's the thing: I told myself I wouldn't update until Monday, but because I'm - what's the word? oh - ridiculous, I'm updating now. I'm using the excuse that my friend just had her second baby today, like she or the baby cares when I update this random story they know nothing about. Anyway - I hope you like this chapter, and please say a prayer for my friend, her husband and her children. Oh, and of course I proof-read this about eight times, but I always notice about five mistakes immediately after I post, so bear with me.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the Twilight universe, only the one inside my head, nor do I own Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, no matter how much I may wish to. Oh, also, on a more serious note, I have a feeling the phrase "love him like breathing, like I get up every morning, like I put one foot in front of the other when I walk" did not come from my own mind. I don't know where else it could have came from, but just to be on the safe side, I might not own it.

**Dedication: **I dedicate this chapter, which was posted on the night of your birth, to baby Jana. May you see this one day in the far future and laugh until you fall out of your seat.

**

* * *

Chapter Three: **In Which Nessie Makes a Promise

* * *

_  
the way you're singing in your sleep  
__the way you look before you leap  
__the strange illusions that you keep  
__you don't know, but i'm noticing_

_- nick and norah's infinite playlist_

-

"Renesmee!" I heard Alice call and tried my best to pretend I didn't hear her, which I knew wouldn't work. She was Alice.

"I am going to try nicely once more time. After that, I will bodily force you to do my bidding, do you understand?" Scary Aunt Alice said calmly from outside of the dressing room.

I let out a sound disturbingly close to a whine. I may be physically and mentally sixteen, but I am actually seven and long shopping trips make me whiny and irritable. At least that was my excuse.

"Renesmee Cullen, could you come out here please?"

I knew was my last chance to avoid public humiliation, so I unhappily pushed open the dressing room and emerged.

Scary Aunt Alice scrutinized me for a moment, before closing her eyes. I knew she was trying to see around all her blind spots.

"No, no!" She trilled, and I wanted to cry. "Next one!"

I dragged my feet back into the dressing room to try on _another _dress, at least the thirtieth that day. Mom and Rosalie didn't have to endure such tortures, because Alice could see clearly what they would be wearing. It almost made vampirism seem worth it.

I tried to appeal to Mom. No, begging was more like it. Literally, on my knees. But she went on and on about rites of passage and humoring Scary Aunt Alice and keeping her away from Charlie who wasn't sure he liked her as much anymore after her most recent episode where she marched into his house and informed him that she would be planning his wedding that she was supposed to know nothing about and that an oceanic theme was the best she could do with his original wishes. And that, sorry, there would be no fish.

Jacob was completely unsympathetic, muttering something about, "You're a girl, aren't you? Don't girls like that stuff?"

What did he mean, 'aren't you'? Just because I don't flitter around in heels and pink fingernail polish doesn't mean I'm not a girl.

Still, in retrospect, this offended me much more than it should have. I'm still not sure I was completely justified in suggesting to Scary Aunt Alice that Jake wear a tux. She of course was thrilled and grabbed the nearest notepad to begin sketching designs and I immediately felt bad.

Not too bad, though, since everyone, Jake included, has taken it upon themselves to become insane for the past week.

Alice has been generally insane (hence her being redubbed Scary Aunt Alice until the wedding is over and done with), which is no more than is to be expected and so I forgive her because she's Scary Aunt Alice and I know regular Alice will be back next week right after Charlie and Sue set off for their honeymoon. That doesn't give everyone else an excuse.

I know for a fact that Scary Aunt Alice is single-handling arranging the wedding, but everyone is still gone all hours of the day and muttering in corners all hours of the night and calling it wedding plans. Jacob follows me everywhere, and not much is different about that, except it feels more like he's watching me than spending time with me and I keep having these _dreams_ and the strange tightness in my stomach that I don't understand and it makes so hard to look at him because every time I do, all I can think about is –

"Nessie?" Scary Aunt Alice asked, for once sounding not so scary. I decided to take pity on her, and pulled the next dress over my shoulders quickly without even looking at it so she wouldn't be kept in suspense. I knew she was dying to reject it.

I slouched out of the dressing room and to general astonishment (meaning myself and the run-ragged sales woman who'd been working with us since ten this morning), Scary Aunt Alice's eyes widened and her hands clapped to her mouth.

"Oh, Renesmee! Yes!" She squealed, hopping excitedly on the spot, sending the saleswomen ducking for cover behind a dress rack. "Yes, yes, yes! Oh, Nessie, _look _at yourself."

She pulled me around towards a mirror and I stared blankly for a moment. It was nice. The dress was knee-length and navy, fitted all the way down, with capped sleeves and what would have been a sweetheart neckline, except for the white sash fitted into the neck and tied above the bust in a style reminiscent of a sailor. There was a slice from the mid-thigh to knee on either side that flared out slightly to show the white satin underneath.

I actually liked it.

"It's great, Aunt Alice!" I exclaimed. I was only allowed to call her Scary Aunt Alice around Jacob and in my head.

"Yes, Nessie, this is definitely the dress for you!"

I sighed happily and traipsed back into the dressing room to change back into my comfy clothes. I thought that meant we were done.

How wrong I was. How very, horribly, terribly wrong.

-

By the time we made it back home, I was so tired I wanted to cry. My dress had to be fitted, then Alice decided that all the bridesmaids dresses should match exactly, but with contrasting colors, which was fine. Until the saleswomen tried to explain that it wasn't possible to get such a custom order done so quickly.

Poor woman. I shuddered as I remembered Alice's face as she turned on her. It took three corporate calls, a lot of angry French conversation, an entire brown bag full of money, and an extra fifteen minutes for Alice to rant simply to relieve her temper before we were ready to leave. The dress shop, I mean.

In Scary Aunt Alice's little world, the earth stops revolving without the perfect pair of shoes. Didn't I have shoes at home? Didn't she? The rows and rows of pointy, dangerous looking things in my closest that I never touched (except to throw at Jacob, but that was only once) – weren't those shoes? Apparently all of them were utterly unacceptable.

And so I tried. And tried. And tried.

And I walked, and turned, and spun.

Oh, the spinning. I whimpered at the thought.

"What are you crying about?"

I nearly jumped through my skin at the voice. I looked to see Jake's face in my window, grinning like a person who had not spent the day up to their ears in chiffon and stilettos.

I thought about taking my suffering out on him and telling him to leave, but then I realized that would entail him leaving and dropped that idea.

"I can't feel my feet." My voice was pathetic.

"So are you telling me," he said, sending the room into pitch blackness when his massive frame blocked the light as he climbed through the window. "That Renesmee Cullen, the half-vampire who runs halfway to Canada on a daily basis, hangs with werewolves and wrestles with the maniac Emmett, is afraid of high heel shoes?"

I vaguely registered that his comment was meant to be amusing or insulting, but I was too tired to care. I nodded yes. It was true, anyway.

He nudged me to make way for him so he could lay with me and I suddenly felt much more awake. I became hyper-aware of my hands and every dream I had within the last week came rushing back with full force. I looked up at him as he settled his hot arm around my shoulders and grinned, his teeth flashing white against his bright copper skin.

I tried to tell myself that this was okay, this was normal, this was my Jacob, but the tightness in my stomach returned and I squeezed my legs together, burying my face in his solid chest for a moment until I realized that that only made matters worse. The smell of the forest and his sweat swirled around me, making it hard for me to breathe. I inhaled sharply and I think it tickled him because his grip tightened for a second and a surprising jolt that I had only even felt in my dreams rocketed through me.

I squeezed my legs together harder this time and he noticed.

"Are you okay, Ness?" He asked, and I wondered how many times I'd heard that in the last few days.

"Mmhm," I mumbled, willing my body with all my power to calm down.

It was silent for a moment, and when Jake spoke it was with the air of someone clutching at straws.

"So . . . what'd you get?"

"Shoes," I spat out, unable to keep the bitterness from my voice as my feet ached. "And a dress, and other stupid, unimportant stuff."

I had the feeling Alice just might kill me if she caught me calling my "essentials and accessories" stupid, unimportant stuff.

"Can I see?" He asked, and the genuine interest in his tone actually made me look up. His neck was straining towards the shopping bags in the corner.

"Sure, why not?" I offered, shocked when the next thing I felt was the warm pillow under me as he was already across the room. The only solution I could come up with for his interest was that he was attempting to entertain me so I'd forget the throbbing in my legs.

Which reminded me – oh, the throbbing.

"But I'm not trying any of that stuff on for you; you'll just have to wait for the wedding. Alice promised I won't have to try anything else on until the day of and I'm holding her to it."

"Not even for me?" He said and pretended to pout as he emerged from the mountain of tissue paper and plastic with a navy pump in one hand and a white stiletto in the other.

"Sorry, Jake. I love you and all, but come near me with those things, and I'll go vampire on you." I threatened, only half kidding.

"So which is yours?" He asked.

He was laid out on his stomach on the floor with his chin resting on his forearms, both shoes set on the floor inches from his face as he inspected them. He seemed to find them much more interesting than me.

"Um . . . both." I winced as my eye caught the razor sharp heel of the white shoe, remembering the way it felt on my foot as Scary Aunt Alice forced me to circuit the tiny shop over and over again. "Scary Aunt Alice hasn't made up her mind yet. Don't you wish we weren't blind spots?"

"No," he said, pushing himself up into a cross-legged position. "I think it's awesome. Can I see your dress?"

I snorted at him. "I don't care, Jacob, knock yourself out."

"Which bag is it?" He questioned, staring at the mass of pink tissue paper he had unearthed in his quest for the shoes.

"It was in a pink bag, I think." It was blurry, since my brain does its best to block out painful memories. "What did you do today?"

"Ran patrol," he answered absently, dangling a delicate gold bracelet out in front of him before attempting to attach it to his huge wrist. Naturally, it wouldn't even reach halfway. "Then Billy cooked so I went and ate with him and then Embry called so – all of these are pink, how am I supposed to know which one? – anyway, Embry had a date and he needed a shirt or something stupid so he came over for a little bit – aha!"

He unsheathed the dress like a prize and shook it out in front of him. He was so tall, he could hold it out straight in front of him while he sat and it wouldn't touch the ground. My mind was still stuck on the word date.

"E-Embry had a date?" I tried to sound casual, but I wasn't sure I managed. Jacob didn't look my way so I hoped I succeeded. Talk of dating in general always made me nervous – I was worried Jake would be influenced somehow, get a girlfriend and leave me behind. I wonder sometimes why he hadn't already.

"Yeah, some girl named Lizzie – I hooked them up, they both like cars. This is really pretty, Nessie – I can't wait to see it on you."

I blushed tomato red at his comment, but the beginning of his sentence did not escape me.

"So you know her?" I pried, feeling ridiculous but unable to stop. "Is she pretty?"

He lowered the dress and appeared to think about it for a second. I watched with a little too much interest as he pushed his hair back out of his face, paid a little too much attention to the way his muscles carried out the action – tendons and muscles straining and sliding together under copper skin.

"I guess so," He told me as he folded the dress up and put it back. "Embry thinks so . . . I mean, she's not ugly or anything. I guess I never really paid that much attention."

This made me happier than it should.

"So, why didn't you?" I said, finally getting to the question I was most afraid and most eager to ask. "Go out with her, I mean."

He dropped whatever was in his hand – earrings by the look of it – and stared at me as if I'd grown another head.

"I don't date," he said, and his voice was strange. He left no room for argument, no space for doubt.

"Why not?" I continued, again, knowing I should stop but being unable to.

I watched as he got up and settled himself on the edge of my bed. He took my sore feet absently in his hands and began rubbing them. I was nervous to have him so close while we talked of such things, but my feet really did ache, and I couldn't help but groan as his thumb dug into my arch.

His eyes snapped to look at me and I felt heat rise in my face. The sound that escaped as he rubbed my feet, innocent enough, sounded eerily similar to a sound I had made in my dream last night. Jacob looked down at his hands and seemed to shake something off, but he didn't stop.

"Well, I don't need to, Ness," he said, and traced a fingernail across the ball of my foot. "I don't _want_ to. I mean, what are girlfriends for?"

"Well, for talking to and hanging out with and making you happy," I supplied and he nodded. "For . . . being together and having fun and having somebody."

He nodded again.

"I hang out with you and I have fun with you," he said tentatively, and the way he looked at me made me feel strange. "And being with you makes me happy, and I have people. I have Billy and your family even though some of us don't always get along and I have the pack and I have you."

"But it's not the same," I insisted. "I have people too. I have my vampire family and Grandpa Charlie and . . . and you, but . . . don't you – "

I leaned back onto the pillows, not even realizing that I'd pulled myself up into a sitting position during our conversation. What was I getting myself into?

" – don't you ever want somebody who's just for you? Who wants you and only you? Who's just your own?"

"Do you?" He asked back and his eyes were soft in the light.

I couldn't answer. I could, but I couldn't. I had an answer, but I wasn't sure if it was right and I wasn't sure if it was what I wanted and even if it was, I couldn't tell him because he can't feel the same way and if he doesn't then I'd lose my Jake forever.

What was I even talking about? Did I want to . . . kiss Jacob? For real? For real, for real? Not in a dream, but here in real life? Did I want to be with him and call him my boyfriend and hold his hand and . . .

Damage control. I had to backtrack and fast. I pried my feet from his grip and gently shoved him in the chest.

"I'm talking about you, stupid," I tried to say, but it came out a whisper.

Jacob heard me anyway. He smiled my Jacob's smile and the sun shone in my bedroom at eleven o'clock at night. He grasped my foot and held it against the place where I shoved and I could feel his heart beating against my sole. I curled my toes into his chest, trying to pinch him, but all I could grasp was his t-shirt.

"Never mind, I don't even know what I'm talking about anyway." I tried to move my foot, but he still had hold on it, so I didn't pull away. I didn't want to. "I'm just being dumb. Ignore me like usual."

He let my foot go and I automatically curled it under me. It felt cold.

"I'm your best friend, Nessie, right?" He asked, unsure, and I was shocked. I looked him straight in the eye for the first time a week and he looked sad. I felt terrible.

"Of course, Jacob. Of course you're my best friend." And before I knew it, my arms were around him and my cheek was on his shoulder. "Who else would it be, Jake? Who else?"

He was warm and felt like home and no strange half-welcome feelings came bursting forth. Just my sun with his arms around me. I felt bereft when he pulled away.

"Then you should talk to me," he said gently, and I could see how my weirdness the past week had really hurt him. "If something's wrong with you, or you need to tell me something, you always can. I promise I won't get angry or . . . or laugh, or any of the other stupid things I do, okay?"

"Okay," I whispered, and tried to reach forward to him again, but he held me back. "D'you promise?"

I thought about it. My sun, my Jacob, my favorite wolf boy. My best friend, my - not brother . . . something else, then? I thought about my family, and Jacob and how he was my family and he wasn't. How he meant as much as them but didn't fit. Yet he was there.

I thought about how his very nature was to destroy them, my family, his family. I thought about how he didn't, how they all worked against their instincts to be together and now we were a real family. I thought about how I was somehow at the center of it all and wondered why.

Could I promise? Could I promise and keep it? I don't think I would have to tell him about the dreams, because even I don't understand them yet and it would just embarrass us both. Maybe just about the weird stomach thing, then? Maybe he knew what it was? I didn't have to tell him that it only happened when I dreamed of him or he kissed my cheek or held me to his chest or pinned me to the ground . . . .I didn't have to tell him how hard it was not to kiss him right now. Did I? If I promised, did I have to do that? I didn't think I did.

I loved Jake – but did I love him right? Could you love somebody wrong? I love him like breathing – like I get up every morning, like I put one foot after another when I walk. I love him like a fact, a given, an involuntary action. Was that right?

"I promise, Jacob," I whispered and buried my face in his neck. "I promise."

* * *

Yayness. I really love the dialogue in this chapter, so let me know what you think!


	4. In Which There is No Running

**_A/N: _**So, I'm proud of myself for actually waiting for Monday. I'm also posting this to console myself for not getting the first snow in six years that was promised to my town. My mom lives two hours away and she got an inch! They also had a snow day (only in the South does the city shut down for an inch of snow). I'm insanely jealous. Anyway, the cleaning-Jacob's-bedroom scene was meant to be just a small snippet at the beginning of the _next _chapter, which was originally supposed to be _this _chapter, but it grew. So, that's how that happened. Make sure to let me know what you think.

**Disclaimer: **I have a secret to tell you: I am not Stephanie Meyer. Shocking, right? I know. Also, I did not write and do not own the song "Come Undone". I also don't own X-box, which I'm sure will be obsolete by 2013, which is when this story takes place, but I'm technilogically retarded and know nothing about video games consoles whatsoever, so I just chose X-box.

**Dedication: **I'm wasn't planning on doing another dedication, but I just thought **ChampionShoes **and **Gina.N.B **deserved one because they both reviewed multiple chapters and are awesome. Thank you also to everyone else who reviewed.

* * *

**Chapter Four: **In Which There is No Running

* * *

_i have seen myself in a thousand faces, strung out on life's path  
__i would add up what you mean to me, but i cannot do the math_

_- vanessa carlton, come undone_

-

I woke up the next morning feeling anxious. I had promised Jacob last night that I'd talk to him about anything that was bothering me, and very obviously he knew that something was, so I knew he was expecting a conversation. And I had promised him. As my best friend, I owed him that much.

But what to say?

My body felt tightly wound as I got out of bed. Another night of endless, amazing Jacob dreams had left my stomach in knots. Nice ones, though – ones I was dying to untie, not to ease discomfort, but because I was sure greater pleasure followed.

If I was a normal teenage girl, maybe I could enjoy the dreams, entertain silly thoughts privately in my head with no consequences. But I'm not a normal girl – I'm a half-vampire, half-human teenage girl with a mind-reading father and traitor palms that export my thoughts to anyone who touches.

So the dreams had to go. I was running on borrowed luck already, what with my parents staying at the big house every night to work on "wedding plans". I knew it was only a matter of time until it ran out and I was faced with utter humiliation and devastation in the form of discussing my Jacob dreams with my father. Or, well. Sitting red-faced and holding back tears as my father screamed at me about my Jacob dreams.

Either way, there could be no desirable end result to anyone finding out about those dreams. I would take the facial ticks and aggravated-air-through-nose noises for the rest of my existence and be grateful if it meant avoiding that conversation.

So, what to say to Jacob? And when to say it? The wedding was in three days and I was pretty sure Scary Aunt Alice was done torturing me for now, but I think she'd probably want to get to Jake (admittedly, my fault) before too long, and I wanted to do it before the wedding.

Or should I wait? I didn't want to ruin Grandpa Charlie's wedding, though, for him or myself by being all tense and worried about Jacob the entire time. So, before, then.

I guess I had my answer. Today. Ugh.

I dragged myself to the shower, tired and irritable. My feet were still sore from last night – I blocked the memory that popped into my mind of Scary Aunt Alice circuiting me around and around the shop in stilettos quickly, as I saw no need to start crying first thing in the morning.

I was caught completely unprepared, though, for the subsequent memory of Jacob's fingernail running across the sole of my sore foot and his strong hands – I stopped it right there. I was proud of myself.

It was about time, anyway. I was running out of outfits that covered my palms and I think even Jacob would begin to get suspicious if I started wearing his "skinny sweatshirt" everyday. I turned off the steaming water and wrapped myself and my hair each in a towel before returning to my room.

I was a little hungry and Grandma Esme told me last night (when I slouched, grumbling, through the big house to kiss my family so I could return to the cottage and pass out) that she'd make pancakes for breakfast. I'm sure she told Jake too, since they were his favorite, so he'd probably be there.

I kind of hoped he had patrol last night, even though I was pretty sure he didn't, so I could take a little while to compose myself and think of what to say. I threw on my panties and bra without much decision and grabbed the closest, comfortable-looking thing I could find.

It was a green, tank-top looking dress that I think was meant to be a beach cover-up, but it was simple enough and soft so I put it on. I checked the length in the mirror – I didn't like short skirts, so I was glad when I saw it came just past my knees.

I always made sure to check. I think Scary Aunt Alice slipped in sometimes at night and shortened my skirts. I asked her about it once and she claimed it must be my growth spurt, but I was done growing now and they were still getting shorter. I was going to have to hide some of my favorite stuff.

I decided that since I wasn't going with my being cold excuse anymore (not that anyone asked, being so preoccupied with "wedding plans"), I didn't need shoes. I grabbed my hair brush from my dresser and ripped it through my hair, trying to untangle the bronze curls as quickly as possible. I pulled it back once I decided it was as good as it was going to get and then I set off to the big house.

I smelled pancakes and pine trees wafting towards me as I approached the house and my stomach flipped in anxiety and anticipation. So much for having time to collect my thoughts.

Scary Aunt Alice was spread out on the living room floor with her Gigantic Scary Wedding Book and cloth swatches and sketches, so I mumbled a quiet "morning" that I hoped she didn't hear in her preoccupation, and skirted quickly around her.

Everyone else was in the kitchen. I saw Jake from my peripherals, stuffing his face, but I didn't look at him just yet. I needed to get through greeting my family before I worried about – I remembered Dad at the last minute. He was talking quietly with Mom in the corner so I don't think he caught it.

Aunt Rose was the first to spot me.

"Good morning, Renesmee!" She sang, and sashayed toward me, frying pan in hand. She kissed my cheek quickly, then spun back to her place at the stove before I could respond.

Grandma Esme smiled kindly at me from the stove and gestured towards at stacked high with pancakes on the counter.

"Thanks, Grandma," I said in return, and then to the room in general, "Morning!"

Mom looked up and smiled brilliantly.

"Good morning, Renesmee, sweetheart," She said and ran forward and hugged me with more enthusiasm than I was expecting. She pulled back and studied me for a moment as though she were searching for cracks, then hugged me again.

Dad got me as soon as she pulled away. He kissed my forehead and whispered "morning" into my hair.

And then there was Emmett.

"Well, good morning sunshine!" He shouted, more for the benefit of the room than wanting to wish me a good morning. "Nice to see you up and about, sleepyhead! How are we this fine, fine day?"

I just rolled my eyes and accepted the bear hug that he snatched me up into. Besides Jake, I was the only person around who slept, so it was a treat for him to have another venue to make a big production of something. It was customary, there was no avoiding it. We did this every morning.

I saw Uncle Jasper roll his eyes from over Emmett's shoulder. He raised his hand in silent greeting and I smiled.

"Grandpa Carlisle already left for the hospital?" I asked once Emmett had set me down and I regained the ability to breathe.

Grandpa Carlisle had been working at a hospital in Port Angeles for the past four years. Actually, I think most people assume we moved to Port Angeles when "Dr. Cullen" transferred, so we did our best to stay out of sight. We would probably have to leave soon anyway. Jake promised he'd go with us, but the thought still made me sad.

"Yes, he left early to relieve another doctor," Grandma Esme informed me as Mom placed a plate of pancakes in my hand and pushed me towards the table.

Speaking of Jacob and promises . . .

Jacob smiled at me as I sat down across from him and the room got a little warmer. I smiled back, and snatched the syrup from his side of the table and drizzled it over my pancakes.

"So, what is everyone doing in the kitchen?" I asked the room at large. "Not taking up human food, are you?"

Uncle Emmett snorted at my words, but it was Dad who answered.

"No, we were all just going over some last minute –"

"Wedding plans," I finished for him, having been told this at least twice a day for the past week. "Got it."

I think they realized I was irritable as I dug into my pancakes, but no one said anything. Well, of course, Dad _knew _I was irritable, and knowing he was inside my head only made my irritation worse.

I was jarred in my seat as Jake kicked my chair – I tried to glare at him, but he grinned at me so cheerily that I'm sure it didn't look authentic.

"If you're done giving me a contusion," I deadpanned, but without heart. So, in true Jake fashion, he kicked the chair again.

My glare was much more authentic this time.

"Good morning, Nessie," He said slowly and clearly, enunciating each word like he was waiting for something.

Oh. I felt dumb. "Good morning, Jacob," I mumbled.

"What's with you?" He asked quietly, looking a little nervous at my sudden change in attitude. I realized he must think it was him and I smiled to let him know it wasn't.

"All this wedding cheer getting to me, I guess," I said, and shot a look at my family congregated in the corner of the kitchen whispering just fast enough for me to be unable to understand. Jacob shifted in his seat a little guiltily and I realized he must know what it was all about.

I thought about getting angry, but remembered my argument was a moot point. He knew I was keeping something from him, so why should he tell me his secret? I'd remind him after I talked to him that the promise worked both ways. I swallowed the last bit of pancake I was going to eat and pushed the rest towards him. As always, he smiled gratefully and dug in.

"Wanna go running?" I asked, and he nodded his assent.

I was surprised he only nodded, since he usually took every opportunity to talk with his mouth full around Aunt Rose. She seemed too busy to notice now, anyway, deep in conversation with Grandma, which is probably why Jake hadn't bothered.

I stole the last swallow of Jacob's orange juice (at which he _hmph_'d, but left it alone) and took his glass and empty plate to the sink as he finished what was left of mine. I washed and dried them efficiently, trying to ignore the unintelligible whispers behind me, and placed them back in the cabinet. By the time I returned to the table, Jake was polished off my plate.

"You can wash that," I told him, and flung the wet washrag at his head, which he deftly caught. "And then we can go."

He sent my ponytail spinning with his free hand as he passed behind me, and the bronze curls ended up hanging in a mess over my face.

"Thanks, Jake," I said sarcastically, turning to glare at him through the bronze web he had created. "That was really necessary."

I heard him laugh as I attempted to disentangle myself.

"It was," he agreed, and I heard the water stop. The next thing I felt was his hands in my hair, helping me sort it out. My stomach flip-flopped, but didn't tighten, which I took as a good sign. "Everything that amuses me is necessary."

I tossed my head back, finally shaking free of the net that was my hair. When my face was unobstructed, I rolled my eyes deliberately in his direction.

"Yeah, well," I tried to sound bored, and very carefully, offered him my hand. "D'you wanna go or what?"

He took it and we made our way to the door.

"Going running with Jake!" I shouted over my shoulder, though it was strictly not necessary when in a house full of hyper-hearing vampires who were standing only feet away.

The whispering immediately stopped. Jacob noticed too, because his back stiffened and he turned to face the direction of the silence. Everyone was looking at us like us like I'd announced we were dashing off to Vegas for a quick wedding and that we'd be back by lunch. I was surprised when my Dad didn't even respond to that thought.

"No running," Dad said. His topaz eyes flashed with something, but it was gone before I could look again.

"I'm with her," Jacob said, and squeezed my hand.

This time is was Mom who spoke.

"No running," she said, and her tone brooked no argument.

"Will you at least tell me _why_?" I asked, feeling like I was fighting a losing battle.

"Because we're your parents, Renesmee, that's why," Dad responded.

I was right. Didn't make me feel any better about it. I was sick of them all.

"Fine. We'll go to Jacob's house and play X-box, and leave you to your _wedding plans._" I spat, and turned on my heel. Exerting a surprising amount of force, I managed to drag Jake with me.

"This is ridiculous," I ranted to Jacob, pulling my hand from his so I could use it to gesture. "Everybody's running around with their secrets and their plans that poor little Renesmee is too young to understand or know anything about."

Jake listened attentively, but I was sure the only reason he had given in to my parents so easily was that he agreed. But that was ridiculous. What could hurt a humongous werewolf and a half-vampire?

"I'm sixteen, you know," I added, just for good measure.

"No, you're not," Jacob disagreed. "You're seven."

"But I'm physically sixteen!" I almost-shouted at him. I plucked at my dress for emphasis, pulling it away from my body then letting it go. "My body's going to look like this forever – I'm fully grown, I'm not getting any older. And my mind is much more developed than that! It always has been!"

Jake ignored me and kept walking, but I didn't quit. I continued on this vein for some time, only stopping when we reached Jacob's house and he stooped to get the key from under the mat.

"It's not fair," were my speech's parting words.

"I never said it was fair," Jacob said, and swung the door open, letting me go in ahead of him.

"But you think it is," I retorted, and he didn't answer. I opened my mouth to pick up where I left off, but then I remember something. "Where's Billy?"

"He's at Charlie's house," Jake said, and smiled wryly as though there was some joke I didn't get. "Alice was over there earlier, along with Leah and Sue and Charlie needed Billy to help him even out the testosterone level."

I couldn't help but grin as I was met with the random mental image of Charlie's face as the remote was snatched from his hand and the television was switched from SportsCenter to LifeTime.

"So, you said you wanted to play X-box?" He asked, and I watched with interest as he gracefully maneuvered his large body through the cramped little house.

"I don't care," I said honestly, following him to his bedroom, which was the literal sense of the word.

It was a room with a bed in it and that was just about it. There was a worn wooden dresser with a tiny TV perched on top and my x-box system plugged in on the floor. The tiny amount of floor space that was left was taken up by clothes. A t-shirt caught on my bare foot and I tried to kick it up into Jacob's face, but I was entirely too short and he was entirely too tall, so it only made it half way. He caught it when it was parallel with his hand.

"What d'you wanna do then?" He asked, tossing the shirt past me and into his closet. As it zoomed by my head, his scent slammed into me like a brick wall. It took me a second to clear my head.

"I mean, we can play if you want, but I don't care what we do. I just wanted to hang out here."

"Sure, sure," he said, and threw himself on his bed. His massive frame seemed to pour out from every side, too big for the bed to contain. He reached up onto his dresser and grabbed a small black band that he used to tie his hair back.

It was something I had seen him do a thousand times before. I'd put that hair in pig tails when I was four and pulled it as little as two weeks ago. I ran my hands through it every night in my dreams. But there was something about the movement, the way he casually pulled the hair back and tied it that I liked.

How stupid was that? Didn't I pull my hair into a ponytail everyday? What was so special about it? Nothing. No reason for the pleasant clenching in my stomach to return with a full force, no reason at all. Yet it did.

"Your room is a mess, Jacob," I said, because I had to say something. I was glad my dress was loose around my thighs so he couldn't tell when I squeezed them together.

"So? I'm always at your house – I hardly even sleep here."

Something about that struck me. "What do you mean, you hardly ever sleep here? Where do you sleep?"

His russet skin went a little pink and I think he was blushing. "Well, some nights I sleep in the woods by your house."

I was strangely touched. I felt a rush of . . . safety, security in knowing that Jacob was always close by.

"I mean," he continued quickly, "Just mostly when your parents are gone hunting or they're at the big house. I just, you know, want to make sure you're okay by yourself."

"That's stupid," I said, and when his face fell I was struck with horror as I realized he misunderstood. "What I meant was, that's stupid for you to sleep outside. Mom and Dad don't care, you could come inside. There's no need for you to be out in the cold."

"I don't get cold."

"I know that. You know what I meant."

"Yeah, I do. So, you don't think that's weird?"

I thought about my reply for a second. I settled with as close to the truth as I could manage. "Jacob, I'm a half-breed vampire-slash-human, my best friend is a werewolf, and my family are vegetarian vampires. Even in the realm of myths and monsters, we're weird."

He ducked his head and sort-of laughed. "Yeah, I guess you're right." He agreed.

"Anyway," I continued. "Back to what I was originally saying: your room is a mess."

He rolled his eyes. "Back to what _I _was originally saying: I know. I don't care."

"Well, _I_ do. And _I'm_ going to clean it." I informed him, already moving around the room and picking up dirty clothes.

I needed busywork. Something I could do with my hands that would let my mind wander until I came up with what to say.

"Don't, Nessie," Jacob groaned as I dropped an armful of clothes onto his stomach since he took up the entire bed. "Come on, now, I'll do it later."

"No, you won't," I said, and released another armful onto him.

I couldn't keep the clothes in my hands long. The smell would start to get to me and my stomach was already in knots – I really needed to ask someone about this.

Jake let out a long suffering sigh of epic proportions before world-wearingly heaving himself from his bed. His head almost reached the ceiling. If I was a normal human, I wouldn't even be able to touch it if I jumped.

"Well, at least let me help you so we can get this over and done with," He offered with the air of someone who was sacrificing at great deal for something he wasn't sure was worth it.

"Yeah, okay," I said, and shoved yet another armful of clothes into his arms, "You can sort these: whites, darks, and lights."

I had never done laundry a day in my life, since Scary Aunt Alice treated clothes as though they were disposable, but that was how it was done on TV, which was my only frame of reference. I hope I sounded like I knew what I was talking about.

"I never do that," Jake said, though I was pleased to see him pick a few white t-shirts out of the pile and throw them off to the side. "And they always come out fine. Well, good enough."

We worked together and soon the floor was clear of all clothes. We found a slew of X-box games that I previously thought were lost, which was good. I was busted about my lack of laundry knowledge when Jake noticed me hanging curiously over his shoulder (well, technically around his elbow, since he's so tall) as he started the washer. I thought he would laugh, but he just showed me how to add the detergent and set the timer.

When we were back in his room, I sat cross-legged on the floor and began trying to match the games to their cases and Jacob sat on he edge of the bed and watched me. When I was done, I stacked them all up neatly against the wall. I rolled up the controllers and set them on top of the game system.

I looked around. There wasn't much left to do.

I tried to arrange his dresser, put all his hair ties together and repack the deck of cards strewn across it, but there were so many small odds and ends that I didn't know the place of that I couldn't. I looked up and a picture on the mirror caught my eye: it was old, at least twenty years, and the edges were worn from age and use.

But it was the woman in the picture that captured my attention. Her hair was the same midnight black and her skin the same russet tone as someone else I knew. Her eyes were familiar, too, soft and dark, but more feminine, somehow, than the eyes I was used to. Her nose was straight and she had the shapeliest lips I'd ever seen on a woman. She was, without a doubt, stunning.

She was Jacob's mother.

It bothered me that I hadn't seen this picture before now, that I hadn't noticed it. It bothered me that I had never asked him about his mother when she obviously meant so much to him, to be the only picture hanging up in his room. I felt ashamed of myself.

I looked to the right and had to backtrack: one of two photos. The other one was of me.

* * *

Coming up: An awkward conversation, a false realization, and running.


	5. In Which No One Plays XBox

**A/N: **Hey y'all - it's Thursday, so I thought I'd give my few readers another chapter. I've got about eight and half chapters done now, but I've got a bit of writers block that I'm trying to work through. I really like this chapter and am actually proud of it (I think this and chapter three are my favorites), and I really love writing Jake and it's really good to see most of you think I've got him right. Feedback is much appreciated.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the Twilight universe, nor X-box, nor the song "Forever & Always" by the lovely Taylor Swift. I do own the awesome awkward conversation that follows, though.

* * *

Chapter Five: In Which No One Plays X-Box

* * *

_and then you feel so low you can't feel nothing at all_

_- taylor swift, forever & always_

-

I stared at it for a long moment, studying it in detail. It was taken a few months ago at my seventh birthday. I took in my face and Jacob's and remembered that day and how everything was so easy. The picture was taken in front of the house by Aunt Alice – I remember spending the whole day trying to dodge her and her camera as she chased me, clicking away madly.

She finally caught up to me, and Jake snatched me up into the air, holding me around the stomach so my head was almost parallel with his. My hands gripped at his forearms and my bare toes dangled feet from the ground. I was laughing and Jacob was smiling sun. Our cheeks touched.

Jacob's voice is what broke me out of my reverie.

"What're you staring at?"

I hurried away from the dresser, my face hot. He looked back and forth from me to the dresser twice, and caught on.

"Oh," he said, "It's a good picture, isn't it? We had fun that day."

"Sure, sure," I agreed, using his words and smiling despite myself. Then I mumbled, "Your mom was really pretty."

He looked back at the picture, and I could see his expression softening in the reflection of the mirror.

"Yeah . . . she was."

I kneeled down beside the bed, resting my forearms on the comforter and my head on my arms.

"Do you miss her?"

He looked at me for a second like he was trying to see me more clearly. After a long time, he said, "Sometimes."

"I'm sorry," I apologized. "If it's hard for you to talk about . . . I was just wondering."

"No, no," he said quickly, pulling at my arm until I crawled up to sit beside him on the too-small bed. "I don't mind talking to you. I _do_ miss her, sometimes. But my life is full now, you know? I mean, nothing could take her place, but there's not a gap anymore, you know?"

I nodded yes, but I guess he didn't believe me, because he continued.

"Before, back when I was younger, it was like there was this big hole in everything. Like nothing could ever be normal. Like . . . " he cast around for words and I sat in rapture, unable to believe he was sharing such a thing with me. ". . . like I'd never be able to get up in the morning and not feel empty when I didn't hear her voice in the next room, or I'd never be able to go into Billy's room and not feel the space where she used to be like an ache . . ."

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Jacob!" I cried, and threw my arms around his neck. I was so close to tears it was ridiculous.

"Hey, now," he said, pulling me back, reciting his line for when I got too close to tears for his comfort. "No need for that. Like I said, I don't feel like that anymore." He lay back on the bed and pulled me with him and I curled into his chest, forgetting for a moment that I shouldn't, that things weren't easy like this anymore.

He kissed my hair and my stomach good-ached. "I love my life."

This time, when I inhaled, I did it with full knowledge of what my body's reaction would be. I'm not sure what that meant. But I did it anyway, inhaled deeply and clenched my legs together in a preemptive strike against the feeling I knew would come. It did come, but I was ready, and held myself tightly. I kept my hips firmly in place when they seemed to want to stretch forward, reach out.

Jacob's warm hand slid down my back, and I felt him swirling patterns with his fingers against the material of my dress. I regretted my fashion choice now: the dress was too thin. I could feel the heat from his skin, like always, but I could also almost feel the texture of his skin against my back. Something rushed inside me and my hips twitched, like they had a mind of their own, towards Jake. What was wrong with me?

The movement on my back stopped. I felt a rushing against my hair, Jake's breath as he looked down.

"Are you okay, Ness?"

I sighed. I was ready for this. At least, as ready as I would get. I knew the question would eventually come up and I couldn't lie without breaking my promise. A small part of my body cried out in dissatisfaction as I shrugged out from under his arm and moved as far away from him as I could on the tiny bed.

"No, not really," I started slowly, choosing my words carefully. "I've kind of been meaning to talk to you about it."

He sat up, immediately looking alert, and pushed himself up until he was resting against the headboard. He reached his hand out for me, but I pretended I didn't see it and picked at the hem of my dress. I couldn't risk holding his hand now.

"What is it, Ness? Remember what I told you, you can tell me." I chanced a quick glance up at him and he was so earnest it made my heart melt.

"I've been feeling strange, and I don't really understand why." I watched as his eyebrows knitted together. "That's why I've been so weird lately. I mean, maybe you can tell me why, I don't know what's wrong with me, I just – "

"What, you mean like sick, Nessie?" Jacob asked, alarmed. "Are you sick? Why haven't you said anything, we have to –"

"No, not like sick," I told him quietly, and I felt my face redden as I remembered my dreams and all these new feelings and urges. "Like, sometimes my stomach hurts. But in a good way," I added, before he could freak out.

"How often?" He questioned, leaning forward as if to examine me. "When? For how long?"

"About a week, maybe a little longer," I answered. Here's where it got tricky: how to be as honest as possible without letting the most important detail slip? "Sometimes when I'm asleep, I wake up and my stomach's all tight and it's like I'm hungry or thirsty, but I'm neither . . ."

"Is it only when you sleep?"

"No," I mumbled almost silently, and didn't offer anything else.

"Ness?" He said after another long moment, and I couldn't believe what I had gotten myself into.

"No, it's not only when I sleep," I said, this time louder, more intelligible. "Sometimes it happens when I'm awake, too."

He rocked his head back against the headboard and exhaled heavily through his mouth. I peeked up at him again and saw him scrub his large hand across his face. I wanted to cry. I was stupid to tell him – what if this was some weird girl thing that he knew about and I didn't? Oh God, I messed it up. He won't want to talk to me anymore, all because of that stupid promise and my stupid dreams and my stupid, ridiculous urge to kiss his perfect face.

"I'm sorry," I said quickly, hoping if I moved quick enough I could lighten the situation and we could forget about it. "It's probably nothing, don't worry about it. I'll try not to let it bother me, all right? Everything's okay, right?"

He didn't answer, just stared up at the ceiling and even as I fought back tears I noticed the line of his throat.

"Jacob?" I said, and winced when my voice cracked. "I won't talk about it anymore, I promise. Everything's still okay, right?"

Jake straightened his head back up and he looked like someone who had traveled miles in a matter of seconds. "Renesmee, I'm not sure if I should be the one who – "

"I know, I know," I said quickly, cutting him off. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have mentioned it. It's just, you made me promise last night to tell you and then you asked, and I'm sorry. I just didn't want to break my promise."

"No!" He exclaimed, and inhaled deeply again. "No, it's okay, Nessie, I want you to talk to me. It's just that – I'm not sure, I'm a guy, and I think I know what's wrong, but . . . " He trailed off.

Jacob knew? He knew what was wrong with me?

"But?" I asked, impatient all of a sudden.

"But I don't know if I'm the one you want to have this conversation with," he finished.

I was confused.

"But you are," I said simply. "I don't want to talk to anyone else."

"Are you sure?"

I nodded.

"Okay . . ." he shifted on the bed so that he was cross-legged like me, leaving more space between us that I was at the same time grateful for and disappointed by. "You say your stomach tightens up, but it doesn't hurt. It feels good?"

"Yes."

"Does it happen when someone touches you?" He asked, and if it was possible for me to sink into the ground, I would've.

I mumbled, "Sometimes."

I looked up and Jacob looked nervous and maybe even a little sick. "A boy?"

This bothered me. A boy? Like it could be any boy, every boy, like every single male I saw drove me crazy with . . . whatever this is. Like I could ever feel like this about anyone besides Jacob. I had tried – substituted other's faces and tried to imagine: Seth, Embry, several good-looking boys I'd seen in magazines, and each time came up short.

Seth, even, had come over a few days ago. He picked me up and hugged me and spun me around and it was nice, but there were no strange feelings. Just a hug from a friend.

Still, even later, when I thought back on it, I could come up with no logical reason why I whispered, my voice coming out strange, "Just one."

He looked me straight in the eye for a long moment, but broke contact before he spoke again. He looked sad.

"And when you say your stomach," he said, quietly, looking at the comforter now, picking at loose threads. "You don't mean your stomach, do you?"

No, it was possible. I was melting into the floor, I was disappearing – I had to be. I couldn't be here, now, with Jacob and him asking about this like he knew exactly what was going on and being exactly right. This was humiliation in its strongest form – he was probably disgusted.

I thought about lying, but what would be the point? He obviously already knew, knew better even that I did. I shook my head. It was all I could manage.

"It's um . . ." he uncrossed his legs and stretched them out, and I was very careful not to inhale as his leg brushed mine. "It's normal, Nessie."

I was prepared for almost anything but that.

"What?" I asked, shocked.

"It's normal, what you're feeling," he told me, and it wasn't so hard to look at him anymore, "It happens to all teenagers – there's nothing wrong with you."

"Are you serious?" I said, almost laughing with relief. And then before I could stop myself, my mouth said, "Even boys? Even you?"

I knew I shouldn't have asked, and honestly, I didn't mean to. Me and my mouth were going to have to have a discussion one of these days about occasionally asking my input on things like this.

Jacob chuckled nervously. "Yeah, even me, Ness. It's a little . . . different with boys, but yeah. It's a part of growing up."

He smiled and me and I exhaled and gave him a small smile back.

"So it's going to go away?" I stated, more than asked. "I won't be like this forever."

Jacob paused and pushed back a stray lock of hair that had escaped its confinement.

"Um . . . no," he said, after what felt like hours, "It's not going to go away."

"What!" I exclaimed, almost jumping from my seat.

I was going to be like this forever? It was never going to go away? I was going to spend the rest of my life in limbo, trying my best to love Jake and be his friend, but not love him too much? To hold his hand and be normal and happy with not enough? To kiss his cheek when I wanted his lips? For the rest of my life I would have to deal with this?

He stared at me, alarmed, like he thought I might jump out of my skin and was prepared to catch me when I did.

"Calm down, Nessie," he said, holding his hands out towards me and helping confirm my jumping-out-of-skin theory. "It won't go away, but you'll learn to deal with it. It'll happen less often, and you'll . . . you'll learn to enjoy it."

I blushed red. No, crimson. No, I blushed deeper that that: I blushed burgundy. How could I tell him I could never enjoy it without him? I couldn't.

Instead, I asked in a small voice, "But what is it?"

Jacob stared at me disbelievingly for a second, and I tried not to get lost in the planes of his face. I forced myself to focus.

"You seriously still don't know?" He asked, and I shook my head. I was intelligent, Jake knew that. I didn't like to be made to feel dumb. "It's hormones, Ness. It's . . . well . . . it's lust."

Lust.

I knew that word, what it meant. I knew it exactly. I understood hormones and how they worked and how they wreaked havoc in the teenage body – so why did it take this humiliating conversation with Jacob for me to figure it out? Of course lust didn't go away – unless you became no longer attracted to the person.

I was attracted to Jake? Of course he was handsome, beautiful, but I always knew that. I even remember telling him, when I was younger, that he was the prettiest boy in the world. So, what now?

Words swirled in my head: lust, hormones, love, _romance_. My brain began to match up emotions and actions I'd read and seen portrayed on television and in movies with my feelings. Images of people kissing passionately, a man's hand gripped tightly around a woman's waist, claiming her, swam before me. Every love scene from every movie I'd ever seen flashed through my brain, juxtaposed with images of my Jacob dreams. They matched.

I don't think the gears in my brain had ever worked so fast, ever spun so hard, ever exerted as much energy to get to a conclusion. So I was in . . . love with Jake? In lust? I loved him, obviously, and I . . . wanted him? I mean, of course I wanted him, forever, but did I want him, want him, like that? What happened when you were attracted to someone that you loved – did that mean you were _in love_?

My brain flipped through more images, stories, and words, trying to figure things out. A memory, long ago suppressed and forgotten, burst forth in my mind:

I was six, for all intents and purposes, and creeping to my parents bedroom after a nightmare. I paused at the door, cautious of the strange sounds emitting from the room. I peeked through the little space where the door wasn't fully shut and my jaw fell open.

My parents. Tangled together, a bed sheet twined around them, making them look like one organism. They moved in tandem, every movement followed by another, together, like a well-rehearsed scene from a play. My mother's hands cradled my father's face, and he kissed her neck and it was beautiful. It was so natural but unlike any other thing I'd seen before. I scampered back to my room.

I hadn't thought about that in years. I realized now. I understood. It didn't make it any easier.

I looked up, and saw that this time I was the one to travel miles in a matter of seconds. "Oh. Well. Okay."

What else was there to say?

"Are you hungry?" I asked randomly.

"Not really," Jake answered for the first time in his life.

"Oh," I said, and thought for a minute. "Do you wanna play X-box?"

"I will if you want to," he said slowly, followed quickly by, "Nessie, are you all right?"

"Sure, sure," I told him, but this time I couldn't smile.

"Listen," he said, and scooted to sit beside me, "It's all right, Nessie. It's normal, it – it doesn't change anything with us, okay?"

"It doesn't?" I asked, not sure if I was relieved or disappointed.

"Of course not," he assured me, "I'm your best friend. I'll always be your best friend."

No, it was disappointment. Before, thinking of Jacob as my best friend made me deliriously happy, proud. Why now did it not feel like enough? I mean, I knew _why_, but why couldn't it just be before?

I realized then that I didn't want it to be. In that moment I was sure that even if I could go back to the way things were, I wouldn't have, even though I could tell this would inevitably cause me hurt. Was that hormones, too? Did they start to addle with your brains until you didn't even realize they were ruining your life anymore? Or was it love? The kind movies were made and books were written about – where you loved somebody so much you'd take it however it came? I suddenly understood too well the term 'unrequited'.

"Okay, thanks," I said, for lack of anything else.

"Don't freak out," he warned me.

"I'm not!" I said, a little too loud for someone claiming to be calm.

Jake made to sling his arm around me, then checked himself. "Is this okay?"

What could I say? No, don't touch me, or I might jump you and rip your clothes off? Yeah, right.

"Duh, Jacob," I said, attempting to wound his pride as he had wounded mine. I tried not to think about how it was unintentional, so I wouldn't feel guilty. "This has nothing to do with me and you, remember?"

I still felt bad when he looked hurt, but a little indignant, too. Why should his feelings be hurt? He had everything he wanted.

In the end, though, my conscience won out. I rolled my eyes at him, but I picked up his arm, marveling at how it was much heavier than someone's arm should be, and pulled it around my shoulders.

His warm hand rested on the inside of my arm, his fingertips just grazing the inside of my elbow.

"See, Jake?" I said, and then I made a very wrong move: I looked at him.

This wasn't very smart in general, since lately I've been unable to so much as look at Jake without diving headfirst into that strange abyss I could now identify as desire. But now, with his warm arm encircling me and my leg pressed against his, it was a particularly dumb move. A ridiculous, amazing, terrifying, exhilaratingly dumb move.

Our faces were inches apart. His lips were parted and I could taste his breathe on my tongue, like aftershave and maple syrup and forest air and it was like every dream I'd ever had, yet better and more horrifying at the same time.

One of my latest dreams burst into the forefront of my mind: Jacob's large body pinning me to his tiny bed, my body rising up to meet his. His lips at my neck, one russet hand in my hair and the other on my thigh. I pushed my hips into him and he . . . _growled_.

Desire pooled inside me like never before, and I almost leaned forward when I felt it: the current over my skin, like when I transported a feeling or memory. My eyes snapped to my hands, but they were at my sides, where they'd been the whole time. Jacob stiffened beside me, then pulled quickly away.

"What was that?" He asked me loudly, jumping off the bed and into a standing position as if he were about to take off. "Did you do that?"

I was still trying to figure everything out. I think I nearly fainted when I realized what happened: I transported. That. To Jake.

"My hands were in my lap!" I shouted, since it was the first thing that popped into my mind. I had never showed someone a memory or feeling or anything through another outlet than my palms – why should it happen now? We might not even be talking about the same thing. I prayed not.

"I know!" He shouted back, and I felt very small as his impressive height towered over me. "Can – can it work like that? Can it go backwards?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I didn't know it worked like that. I thought – I thought you could only show other people what you were thinking."

"But only through my palms," I explained, close to tears, still unsure what he was saying.

Jacob kind of turned in place for a moment, like he was hoping another exit would make itself known. He brought his hands to his head, then put them back down. He turned his back to me, and took seven deep, calming breaths. I counted, and watched his shoulders move up and down with the action.

When Jake turned back to me, his eyes were soft. But kind of sad, and maybe a little embarrassed. He kneeled in front of me and looked me straight in the eye.

"I'm sorry, Renesmee," he said sincerely, "I'm really, truly sorry. That was unacceptable and –"

I cut him off.

"You're sorr –" I stopped when I realized.

That was his answer.

I knew he could never feel the same way, could never see me like that. I had been steeling myself for it, just in case he ever found out. I had gone over it my head again and again, reasoning and thinking myself through it.

I still wasn't prepared for how much it hurt.

Rejection washed over me, like a slap in the face that ached long after it should've healed. Tears flooded my eyes and Jacob's face blurred, so I didn't see it when he reached out for me.

His hot touch surprised me. I jumped back like I'd received an electric shock.

Next thing I knew, I was running.

* * *

Dedication in the next chapter to whoever guesses why Jake reacted the way he did exactly right.

Coming up: Shielding, crying, and another misunderstanding.


	6. In Which There is MotherDaughter Bonding

**_A/N:_** It's Monday! It's really sad that I'm more excited about updating than my readers, but whatever. I hope y'all like the characterization and we get to see some Bella in this chapter, which I'm sure some of you are looking forward to. Let me know how you think I did. Also, if you like the quote at the beginning of the chapter, I request - nay, demand - that you go look up Warsan Shire on MySpace and listen to her spoken word. It's mindblowing - add her if you decide you're a fan, and help her get exposure. Feedback is ridiculously appreciated.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the Twilight universe, or the lovely quote below by Warsan Shire. I own nothing but the plot, and hardly that, since I'm sure it's all been done before.

**Dedication: **All right - **Gina.N.B**, **EtaOtN**, **ZivaJade**, and **edwardisaputz** got it right, so they get a dedication. Y'all are awesome.

* * *

Chapter Six: In Which There is Mother-Daughter Bonding of the Vampire Kind

* * *

_it must be the rebel in you  
__that makes you fall in love with men that have the moon bulging from their throats_

_- warsan shire, a father's silence_

-

I ran faster than I had ever ran before, ran until the trees were just green blurs in my peripheral. I could hear Jacob call me to come back, but I ignored him. I heard a rip, then the sound of four paws hitting the ground and galloping after me.

I knew then that it was a lost battle; I was no match for Jake in wolf form, but I continued to run anyway. If he wanted to stop me, he would have to tackle me. No, he would have to fight me. I wasn't dealing with this now, and it wasn't like I was running anywhere but home. Don't most teenagers run away from home? There was nothing normal about me.

I was surprised when I heard him fall back, following but not pursuing, but I continued at full-tilt. _That's right, _I thought with satisfaction, _Just give up. I get it, now leave me alone._

I made it home in record time and Jacob fell back to where I could no longer hear him once I reached the clearing at the big house. I circled around the yard once quickly, searching for the one person I needed right now and praying that if she only ever left my father's side once for the rest of her existence, it would be now.

I raced through the house, past Alice at the kitchen table, spread full with papers, past Aunt Rose and Emmett watching television in the living room, and up the stairs, past Jasper sitting on the stairs with a book, without so much as a backward glance. I heard some questioning voices following me up, but I ignored them as well, reciting the Constitution in my mind with as much enthusiasm as I could manage.

I slammed straight into the last person on earth that I wanted to see then at the top of the stairs. My Dad's iron arms encircled me quickly as I knocked into him, ensuring I was jostled as little as possible. He gripped my arms gently and pulled me back to look at me – I stared straight at his topaz eyes for fraction of a second, now mentally screaming the Bill of Rights as loud as I could – before I tore free and raced up to the third floor in search of my mother.

She was in Grandpa Carlisle's study, sitting in a large chintz armchair with a massive book that I sent flying as I dove into her stone lap.

"Shield me, Mom," I nearly-shouted, bursting into tears against her stomach, "Please, Mom, please shield me now!"

"Renesmee – " Mom started, alarmed, but I cut her off.

"Now!" I was screaming now, for sure. "Now, Mom! Please! Please shield me!"

A fourth of a second passed that felt like years, then Mom exclaimed, "Okay, okay, Renesmee, it's up! What's wrong? What's happened?"

She pulled me to her, until I was folded into her lap like a toddler. I threw my arms around her neck and sobbed like one, reveling in the coldness of her embrace, the contrast between this one and the one I was in minutes ago before I ruined everything.

"Renesmee – are you hurt – "

"No, Mom," I managed to choke out between sobs that stole my breath, "I'm not hu-u-u-ur-t."

I felt another hand on my back, just as cold, just as hard, yet different somehow. Dad.

"Renesmee, what's happened?" Dad questioned, and I could hear the edge of panic in his voice. "You have to tell us if you're hurt – did someone – "

"No!" I shouted, entering hysteria now, "Nobody did a-anything to me! It was m-m-me!"

Mom lifted my face out of her neck and forced me to look at her, not that I could make out much more than her shape through the tears. I felt icy fingers brush my eyes and my vision cleared a little, even though I continued to sob.

I couldn't be sure, but as I looked at Mom's eyes, bright topaz and concerned and imagined how they used to be, mirror images of mine, it looked like she understood.

"Do you want to go home?" She asked me, and cradled my face in her hands and I felt like home.

"P-p-please!" I cried, burying my face in her neck again. "J-just me and you, Mom? Please?"

I felt Dad's hand leave my back and I knew I'd hurt his feelings, but I couldn't find it in myself to feel bad about it now. I'd apologize to him later, when I could think and breathe and speak without spewing like water hose. I didn't know how long that'd be.

"Of course, Renesmee, of course," she whispered into my hair, and I felt the air move around us as she stood up, cradling me like a child. I looked around me for the first time since I left Jacob's house and I noticed the rest of my family scattered throughout the study, all with evident expressions of worry and concern. I felt a sudden wave of tranquility wash over me and was comforted by it for a second before I realized what was happening.

"Don't!" I shouted in Uncle Jasper's direction. "Don't do that!"

He looked shocked and a little hurt, but I slowly felt the pain of rejection and hurt wash over me and I knew he had obeyed me. Aunt Rosalie stood the closest to me besides Dad, and she kept fluttering in place, moving to reach out to me, then stepping back, as though she were afraid I would snap at her like I had Uncle Jasper. I was glad.

Aunt Alice was standing in the corner, worried, but with eyes closed and I knew she was trying to figure out what was wrong. But Alice could see the future and not the past, so there's no way she would be able to figure anything out. Grandma stood by the doorway, wringing her hands and even Uncle Emmett seemed uncharacteristically serious and concerned. I didn't look at Dad. I didn't want to see the hurt in his eyes. He just didn't understand, and I couldn't explain it to him.

I surveyed all of this in less than a second, then I closed my eyes and gave myself back over to the sobs that soon overtook my body.

Mom ran with me through the forest and to the cottage. At one point, I thought I caught a whiff of something like October and maple syrup, but I quickly pressed my face into Mom's shirt and inhaled so deeply that everything but her scent washed away.

The next thing I remember feeling was the bed, her and Dad's by the smell of it, under me. Mom lay down next to me and smoothed my hair back, brushed a cool kiss on my forehead. She said one word.

"Jacob?"

By the fresh wave of tears that crashed over at her words, I knew she had her answer. They would have figured it out anyway – what was the point in trying to hide anything?

"He hates me, Mom!" I choked, and wrapped myself around her, my arms tight around her waist and my leg slung over her. "Jacob hates me!"

I shouldn't have said the name, I really should've have. Pain, fresh and sharp, unlike the dull ache from before back in Jacob's bedroom, cut through me. It was like I had been stabbed, broken, torn. I imagined Jacob's face looking at me with revulsion, if not for what happened back in his bedroom, then for my reaction to it, and a broken sound like I'd never made before fell from my lips.

Mom's breath hitched in her throat, and she pulled me, if it was even possible, closer to her.

"Listen to me, Renesmee. Jacob loves you, every bit as much as your father and I do. I don't know what happened or what's going on, and you don't have to tell me, but listen to me when I say: Jacob could never hate you."

"Oh, but you don't know, Mom," I whispered into her shoulder, my wet lips catching on the fabric, "You don't know what I did. I ruined everything."

"No," Mom said soothingly, "Maybe Jacob's upset right now, but he won't stay that way for long. If you only knew, Renesmee, you'd know he never could."

"But I didn't _mean_ to, Mom," I continued, needing someone to understand, not caring if I wasn't making any sense. "I don't even know how it happened – he wasn't even touching my hands – and I transported and –"

"You transported without your palms?" Mom asked me, and I nodded against her shirt. I saw her make a face that told me that while she wouldn't mention it detail now, this was something that would have to be discussed in the near future.

"I think so," I half-lied. I knew so.

"And Jacob accidentally saw something you didn't want him to see?"

How did everybody know everything about me? How was it that everyone instantly knew things that took me weeks to figure out?

"Yes."

"And now he's angry?"

"Yes," I said, then, "No. I don't know."

"You ran before you could find out, didn't you?"

For some reason, this brought on a new wave of tears and more than a little indignation.

"How do you know everything?" I cried, pushing away from her embrace to see her more clearly. I swiped at my eyes and her shape became more defined. "How does everyone always know everything? How do you know what happened when you weren't even there? How does Jacob know exactly what's going on with my body when I couldn't even figure it out? How come I can do trigonometry, but I don't even understand what's going on inside me? What's wrong with me?"

Mom stared at me for a long moment. I think she was as shocked by my outburst as I was.

"Oh, Renesmee," she said, and her voice softened something inside me, "What happened? Please tell me."

I thought about it. I was caught between needing someone to confide in and being entirely too ashamed to let anyone know. I loved my mom and would trust her with my life, but could I trust her with my secrets? To keep them from Dad, her soul mate, her other half? I felt a strange twang I recognized as jealousy at the words 'soul mate'. So what, I was jealous of my parents now? I was disgusting.

"I won't tell anyone," she said softly, and I she looked so sincere that I felt even worse. "Not even Dad, if you don't want me to."

"Especially not Dad," I told her. "You have to promise me, Mom."

She made an X across her chest and I almost smiled.

Now, how to do this? I guess my mouth settled for rambling uselessly until stopped.

"I've been feeling really strange lately, and . . . " I didn't want to say his name again, didn't want to burst into another round of hysterics when I was just regaining control. " . . . _he _noticed and made me promise to tell him if anything was wrong, so I did and he explained what it was and . . . oh, Mom. I was so stupid. I should've known, I should've figured it out on my own, but I was just so confused and when he told me – I mean, _lust _– and then I transported, _that_ of all things and then –"

"Okay, okay," Mom stopped my ramblings, shushing me kindly. "I understand, sweetie, I understand."

She understood. I rambled at her nonsensically for thirty seconds and she understood, but me, the person experiencing the feelings, couldn't figure it out. I had to ruin everything to find out and now I wish I never knew. I don't think I'd ever take away the feelings, but I'd gladly give away the knowledge. Confusion was better than this.

I cried for awhile, then. Threw myself over into the pain, let it wash over me like molten lava, let the darkness drag me under. Every other ridiculously dramatic expression I'd heard before and scoffed at, that's what it felt like: stabbed in the heart? Check. Torn apart? Check. Left in the cold? Check.

I was a regular made-for-TV movie, without the happy ending.

After awhile, though, it became harder to cry. I sort of forced myself to continue for awhile, sure I deserved it, but it became increasingly difficult. I had to dredge up more and more horrible images, more painful memories, in order to make the tears continue, until finally, I could cry no more. Even the memory of Jacob, kneeling in front of me, _rejecting_ me – while it tore at the inside of my chest like a creature trying to claw its way out – did not bring tears to the surface.

I shuddered to a halt and wiped my nose, graceful as always, on the pillowcase, before I heaved myself up. Mom seemed surprised at the movement, but shifted to accommodate me.

"All cried out?" She asked kindly, cocking her head as though to see me better.

I thought about Jacob's face, felt the clawing, and waited for the tears: none came.

"I think so," I answered finally. I looked around; it was dark. "What time is it?"

"About two in the morning," Mom answered, and smoothed back my hair that had completely escaped the ponytail I put it in this morning. I tried not to think about this morning, and how it was so different from now. "I was thinking you were gonna break my record there for a minute, but I'm still the champ."

She attempted to smile.

"You've cried like this before?" I asked, incredulous. "Back when you were human, I mean?"

Mom chuckled softly, a musical sound. "More times than I could count. We have more in common than you think, Renesmee."

"I'm sorry –" I started, but was cut off.

"Don't," Mom said, and pressed a cold finger to my lips, "Don't say you're sorry. Sometimes you just need to cry. I just hope you're thinking a little more clearly now."

I was. I would wait until after the wedding, avoid Jake as much as possible until then, and then tackle that after. I'd apologize, tell him I was being stupid, and ask him, no, beg him, to forget the entire thing. I just needed a little time. The memory of Jacob's face might not bring back the tears, but the reality might. I had to do this as calmly as possible.

I just nodded. Mom leaned forward and kissed the crown of my head.

"Why don't you go take a shower, and I'll fix you something to eat," she offered. Then, when I shook my head, "You need to eat, Renesmee. You _will_ eat. Then, when you're feeling better, I think we have a few things to discuss?"

My powers.

Of course. Stupid, life-ruining things they were. I had always enjoyed my gift, liked being able to show my family and Jacob exactly what I was feeling without having to say it aloud. I had never felt contempt for it until the past few weeks, when my body had begun to betray me in more ways than one, the greatest of which was my powers.

I just nodded again. I think I really did need a shower.

As I stepped under the steaming spray, I waited for myself to crack. Surely now, alone, in the dim shower the tears would come. The thing in my chest clawed worse than ever, but I didn't cry. I washed my hair and body slowly, taking my time, trying to avoid the inevitable conversation with my mother where I would have to discuss things I'd much rather forget. Or at least wallow in within the privacy of my mind.

I wrapped myself in two towels as always and walked slowly to my room. I picked up my favorite pajamas, but dropped them like a stone when I caught the scent coming off of them. I grabbed the nearest, neutral-smelling pajamas I could find and exited the room as quickly as possible.

Mom was sitting at the kitchen table with a plate of reheated lasagna and a glass of milk sitting across from her. She gestured for me to sit down, and I obeyed. She reached forward and fingered one of my wet curls gently.

"Just like Edward's," she sighed, and tucked the hair in her hand behind my ear. "You know, it's seven years later and I still marvel that you're my daughter. My little nudger."

Mom's last comment confused me a little, but I decided not to ask. Asking about things seemed to lead only to me learning things I didn't want to know. She leaned back in her chair and I speared a hunk of cheese with my fork, for lack of anything else to do.

"So, I guess your powers are developing," she said conversationally, as though we were talking about the weather, and not how I accidentally transported my sick fantasies to my best friend's head in a freak act uncommon to even a half-vampire and now everything was ruined. "Could you tell . . . ah, _where_ you transported from?"

I thought about it, focusing on the details with a scientific point of view, trying to observe the scene like an outsider. The thing inside me scraped feebly, but didn't lose control. I tried to remember how I felt, disconnecting the desire and emotions from the memory, as we sat. I tried to remember heat, where we were touching: his arm, around my shoulder. I remember the tingling over my skin when the dream burst forth, centered on the exact point where Jacob's fingertips brushed –

"The inside of my elbow," I answered, a little mechanically, before the memory could take on too much detail.

Mom appeared thoughtful for a moment, pushed her dark brown hair back out of her face.

"Maybe," she said after a pause that could have been moments or years for all the attention I was giving the situation. I vaguely noted the heat still rising from my lasagna, so it was probably more like moments. "Maybe it's because the skin there is so sensitive. Or maybe it was because you were feeling a particularly strong emotion, so it took advantage of the contact available and pushed through. Maybe a combination of both."

She sighed again, a pretty sound. "I'm not good at this stuff, theorizing with nothing to work with. I'll have to mention this to Carlisle and Edward, Renesmee. I'll make sure no one says anything to you about it, though, okay? Any and all questions will be delivered by me."

"That's fine," I told her. I didn't care.

"Is it all right for Dad to come home now?" She asked, a little hesitantly. I knew she missed him when they were apart even for the shortest time. A small vine of jealousy wove up inside me and I cut it quickly back down. I decided to just be glad they were both staying close.

"Yeah, Mom, it's fine," I said, and tried at a smile that felt more like a grimace. "I'm going to go to bed, though, okay? Tell Dad I'm really, really sorry, please, and that it was just a girl thing. That oughtta scare him off."

My smile was a little more real this time. Mom laughed and reached for my hand as I got up.

"I somehow doubt it," she said, and gave my hand a quick squeeze before releasing it. "I'll keep my shield over you tonight, okay?"

I was relieved. "I was just about to ask."

I kissed Mom's cheek gently and was almost out of the living room before the door flew open. I turned and Dad was standing there, looking every bit the Greek statue, except concerned. I took one look at his eyes to know that he knew – not everything, or that would be obvious – but enough.

He rushed forward, and gripped me into a hug tighter even than Uncle Emmett's. I loved my parents so much, especially right now, but I just really did not want to deal with this.

Dad cradled my face in his hands and kissed my forehead. Then he opened his mouth and surprised the living daylights out of me.

"You don't have to tell me what's wrong and I promise I won't look to find out, but Renesmee, you are my daughter and I will _always _be here for you and you can _always _come to me. I'll try to be reasonable, even though you know it's not my strongest suit." And then, "Jacob came to see me," at these words, my knees nearly gave out. Dad was the only thing keeping me upright.

"I didn't hear anything," He assured me quickly, "Your mother kept her shield over him."

I shot a look at Mom that must have looked betrayed, because she was quick to explain herself.

"I could smell that he was close and I thought you . . . both deserved some privacy to work things out. I did it mostly for you, Renesmee, since you made it obvious you wanted to keep what happened this afternoon private."

I was torn: grateful, hurt, curious. My Dad took advantage of my stunned silence and continued.

"He's been at the house since just after you left. I don't know what happened, but Jacob is extremely remorseful and upset. Emmett and Jasper had to physically restrain him from going after you when he saw that you were crying. It was really bad – we've been working almost non-stop since then to keep him from phasing."

Was he telling me this to make me feel bad? To tell me to get over myself because my stupid mistake upset Jacob too?

As if he read my thoughts, which I knew he hadn't because I trusted my mother, Dad continued: "I'm not telling you this to hurt you, only to show you that whatever Jacob did to upset you, he's really sorry about it. He said to tell you that he's so sorry and he'll do anything if you can ever forgive him, that he didn't know it worked like that but even that's not an excuse, and that he understands completely how you feel."

I stared at Dad for a moment, who had the look of someone who was not used to being confused. I didn't understand any better than he did.

"Upset . . . me?" I whispered. "Excuse . . . how I f – forgive him?"

Jacob's message made absolutely no sense. What worked like that? He had said the same thing this afternoon in his room, and what was that about excuses? I wasn't making any – was he? For what? He . . . understands how I feel? What did that mean?

I wasn't sure about anything except that I needed time to think.

"And," Dad continued, and I waited incredulously, wondering what else he could have possibly been sent to relay to me, "to tell you that he didn't have patrol tonight, and ask what he should do."

I knew Dad understood this, having been privy to Jake's thoughts (and therefore his habits) much longer than I had, but he didn't seem to care. I wasn't sure. I didn't think I could bear the thought of him being so close tonight, though the thought of him being so far hurt me too.

I made a decision. I would talk to Jacob after the wedding.

"Tell him to go home," I said, then added, since I didn't even want to hurt Jacob through a message, "I didn't clean his room so he could sleep on the ground."

Something in me moved. I didn't smell anything, hear anything, see anything, but yet somehow I knew.

"He's close enough to hear, isn't he?"

Mom and Dad exchanged worried glances with each other, but it was Mom who spoke.

"Only the first part."

The clawing, scratching thing ripped at my chest again, almost knocking me to the ground, but that was all. No crying. I was almost proud of myself, in a sick, twisted sort of way.

Just when I was sure that nothing could reopen the floodgates, a wolf howled in the distance.

* * *

Next chapter:

"Everything just disappeared," she informed us, and I didn't need her explanation to know what that meant. "It was blurry before, of course, because of Nessie, but now the rest of the night just disappeared. So - "

She cut off when Dad flew past her and out into the front yard. I raced to the window and arrived just in time to see Dad flying into the trees at the edge of the clearing. I could still see him though, his skin glittering diamonds from between the trees in the uncharacteristically bright Forks moonlight.


	7. In Which There Are Stupid Love Things

**_A/N: _**Hey y'all, here's your Thurday update. Thank you again for all the feedback - you guys are wonderful. Couple of things about this chapter: first is Jacob's hair. It is long (relatively, about shoulder length), and will remain so. I don't know how many J/N stories have been ruined for me by the author mentioned Jacob having short hair. I always try to continue reading and forget it, but it messes with me and I usually can't finish. Second, Jasper's accent: I'm from the South and I am a huge Jasper fan, and I don't know why so many people see him as unfeeling - I think he's just distant. Anyway, I thought it was cute to have him say 'y'all', even though it was a little out of character, since it's my favorite word in the world.

Third, and finally, I guess you saw through my cheap dedication ploy to get reviews, so let's see if I can make it a little more challenging this time: the dedication of the _ninth_ chapter will be given to anyone who can guess what will happen before it does, what the "wedding plans" are, etc. The hinting starts as early as the first chapter, but gets stronger from this one out - but yeah, review and let me know. I love to hear theories, and even if they're wrong, it may give me ideas! I've got almost fifteen chapters done already, but there's still more than enough room to work stuff in.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own nothing, except that double-negative right there. And the chapter title, which I love more than I should.

* * *

Chapter Seven: In Which There Are Stupid Love Things

* * *

_well, she's got a little bit of something  
__and god, it's better than nothing_

_- 3 am, matchbox 20_

-

After Jacob misheard me and ran away, and I set off into a new crying jag, Dad went chasing after him to explain. He came back half an hour later when I was mostly calmed down saying Jacob understood, and again, that he was sorry. I still wasn't sure why.

I spent that night curled in my bed, trying to figure things out. I realized I really wanted to square things with Jacob _before _the wedding, but Mom suggested we take at least a day to cool off and think. I knew trying to get a hold of him the day of would be near-impossible, since Alice would have me in her grasp from dawn's first light, so I settled for the wedding itself, or just before if I could manage it.

I wouldn't cry. I wouldn't bring any attention to myself. I would just wait for a quiet moment, pull Jacob aside and beg him to forgive me. Then I would enjoy Grandpa's Charlie's wedding.

I hoped.

I still was pretty foggy on what Jacob's message meant, and what he said back in his bedroom. What was he sorry for, hurting my feelings? That seemed the logical answer, or as logical of an answer that I could come up with. But what about the part where he said he understands how I feel – what was that supposed to mean? That he didn't blame me for finding him wildly attractive? That seemed a little arrogant, even for Jake.

In any case, he didn't hate me, and he wasn't angry with me. That was more than I could hope for. I would just have to deal with the awkwardness and pray that someday things could return to how they once were.

Deep down, though, I knew they couldn't. Maybe we could still be best friends, but Jacob would always know how I felt, and I would know he knew, and that would always be there, the eight hundred pound elephant in the room. I still had to try though – I'd take Jacob however I could get him: friend, or if not that . . . whatever he was willing to offer me. That was the stupid thing about love.

Because I realized that's what it was now. Love. I mean, real love – like my parents, and Alice and Jasper, and Aunt Rose and Emmett. Like Grandpa Charlie and Aunt Sue. I thought and thought about it that night as I lay in bed and decided I could deal with a substitute, friendship instead of something more – it had to be better than nothing.

I wouldn't be able to live with nothing.

That was another stupid love thing.

But even as I resented it, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. It was like Jacob was a part of me, cheesy and cliché though it sounded. My heart, my lungs, closer to me than my veins. The strange part was, it wasn't as though there was a change, or a transition during which this developed or occurred. I thought back as far as my memory would reach and I could not remember ever not feeling that way about Jake, like he was sewn into me. It was like it was only the realization that I was missing.

As I expected, everyone became increasingly clingy the morning after what I had taken to calling in my head The Event (I suspected my family had a similar term they used when I wasn't present). It was a different sort of clinginess, though, than the kind I was expecting. It wasn't the watching-and-waiting-for-cracks-so-we-can-catch-the-pieces sort of clinginess, it was more . . . natural. Keeping close might have been a better term, instead. They kept close. Like the time you spent with someone after a long absence, or before one: catching up on the time you missed or getting your fill for the time you were going to.

No one so much as looked at me slant-eyed, and I appreciated it, although the hug Aunt Rose gave me when I walked in the door to the big house was a little tighter than usual, lingered a little longer.

I was happy to see Grandpa Carlisle, and ran straight into his arms. I hadn't seen him in few days, but to be honest, I was most happy to see him because he was the only one who hadn't witnessed part one of the second half of The Event.

"Good morning, Renesmee," he said pleasantly, "Did you sleep well?"

It was a generic question. He didn't ask it to decipher how I was, just a simple common courtesy, a question we both already knew I would answer with a lie. "Okay," I told him, and hugged his hard waist, "I missed you, Grandpa."

"I missed you, too," he said, and kissed my forehead. "Have you hunted?"

I thought about it. "No, not for a while."

His gaze moved to where my parents were seated together several feet away and they shared a look I didn't understand.

"You probably should, Renesmee," he told me, and I wasn't surprised. Grandpa Carlisle always kept a very close track of my hunting schedule, my human-to-vampire food ratio, my exercise and things like that in order to assure everything "stayed in balance". "The wedding is tomorrow and you don't want to take any chances."

Grandpa was right. Now that he mentioned it, there was that tickling in the back of my throat that I knew would only get stronger around Grandpa Charlie and Aunt Sue and the others.

I was never really around humans much, especially not in large groups, and I doubted there would be very many "normal" humans at the wedding, but still, it was dangerous to be around humans I didn't have a strong emotional attachment to without having hunted.

Grandpa Charlie smelled good, but I would never hurt him, even if I was starving. It was more like resisting a last slice of pie when you were only half-full, as opposed to being offered water when you were dying of thirst, like it was for the rest of my family.

The werewolves didn't smell good at all. At least, not in _that _way, the vampire way. Jacob always smelled good . . . I stopped myself, with as much urgency as I always had, but this time not because of my Dad. I had to start preparing myself; I couldn't allow myself to entertain inane little thoughts and fantasies that could cause another episode like The Event. It was already in my head, but I had to get it through to my heart that friends was all I could hope for.

The thing inside my chest clawed at me again. Strongly, but not with as much fervor as before, like it was settling itself in for a long stay.

I guess I had better get used to it.

"You're right, Grandpa," I said and tried at a smile, but it was harder now, due to the clawing thing I had awoken again. "I'll go today – I'll ask who wants to come along."

I looked at my Dad and he seemed satisfied. Grandpa did too. I knew better than to even suggest going alone. I didn't feel up to an argument.

"I'll go," Uncle Jasper called from another room, his voice carrying like piano notes throughout the house.

I followed the music into the dining room, where Uncle Jasper sat with Alice, looking mostly comfortable but maybe a little lost among the flow charts and half-assembled party favors and the like.

"I was going to go tonight, anyway," he said when he saw me, and rose up gracefully. His fingers brushed Alice's neck gently in parting and I was only a little jealous. "I'll just go and see if Emmett wants to come along, okay?"

I nodded my assent and as he swept out of the room, I walked to take his place beside Alice. She was studying a sketch of a handsome, well-built man in a very fashionable tux and carefully gelled, stylish short hair. There was something familiar, though, about the features . . .

"Is that Jake?" I asked suddenly, and wished I hadn't. Scary Aunt Alice was best not bothered the day before the wedding.

I was surprised when she looked up and smiled gently. She seemed to almost give me the waiting-for-the-breakdown look and then stopped herself.

"Yes, it is. I took your suggestion and had him a tux made, but I can't really decide on the style for his hair, though. And I can't _see_ him," she sighed, a martyred sound, "I know it has to be short, but –"

"No!" I surprised myself by saying. Alice cocked her head to the side and studied me, not like she was waiting for me to break, but as if she were trying to figure something out. "I – I mean, it's fine the way it is. It's nice. Why would you cut it?"

I don't know why this, of all things, was so important all of a sudden.

I mean, Jacob had shaved his hair once, back when I was really little, but it was hard to pull and I complained so he grew it back out. He's kept it like that ever since. Why should he cut it now? It looked fine the way it was, I _liked_ _it _the way it was – oh, there it was again.

"Fine, Renesmee," she told me indignantly, but the corners of her lips were too high for her to be actually upset. "I won't cut it. But just know that you have filled your quota for allowed participation and input so I now have full reign to dress you and make you up however I wish."

I groaned, and just might have burst into tears (albeit a very different kind of tears that the ones I'd been crying lately), if Uncle Jasper and Uncle Emmett hadn't chosen that exact moment to walk in.

Emmett clapped his stone hands together and the sound reverberated off the walls, much louder than a normal clap should. "Who's ready for some Grizzly?"

"All right, Emmett, if you can find one, but we're not going more than fifty miles out," Jasper warned, and Emmett's face fell.

"Why not?" He asked, like a child who'd been denied a third cookie at dinner.

"Well, for one, because we've got this one here with us, and she's not as fast," Uncle Jasper gestured towards me with his head. "And two, we've got to keep close to home because –"

"Let me guess," I interrupted, my sarcasm starting to come back this morning in light of a possible reunion with Jacob. "Wedding plans?"

Both my uncles laughed, but it didn't reach their eyes, a laugh meant to distract me more than show their amusement. Uncle Emmett didn't argue anymore, so I knew I was right. I rolled my eyes and headed toward the door, but my path was blocked by Mom as she flashed quickly in front of me.

"You'll keep it close?" She asked, a little nervous, even though I'm more than sure she heard Uncle Jasper and Emmett's exchange. "And you'll make it quick? I want to spend some time with you . . . before the wedding."

"Sure, Mom," I said, unable to be less than kind to my mom when she looked at me like that, so earnest and sweet. I kissed her cheek and pressed my hand to her arm, passing her a silent _I love you_.

"I love you, too, sweetie," she said, kissing my cheek in return. Then a quick "Hurry back!" and she flashed back to the living room.

I had to jog for a second or two to catch up with Uncle Jasper and Uncle Emmett's stride, since they were already at the edge of the clearing, walking only slightly faster than a human face.

"Y'all ready?" Uncle Jasper asked jokingly, purposefully letting his Southern accent through. Emmett and I nodded, then he reminded us (well, mainly Emmett), "Keep it fifty miles in, Emmett, I'm serious. If we have to chase you, I'll telling Edward."

Uncle Emmett didn't look particularly worried, but he didn't look mutinous either, so I guess Uncle Jasper decided he was fine.

"You ruin everything," Emmett muttered at me right before we took off, and shot me a glare that was only half put on.

We returned an hour later, all sloshy with elk and Emmett glaring at me for real this time because the only bear we were able to find was a baby and I wouldn't allow him to kill it. After a wide range of coercion tactics ("Well, come on, Nessie, it's mother isn't around anyway, so it'll probably die. Starve to death. You don't want the poor baby bear to starve to death, do you?") failed, he settled for five elk and grumbling at me for the rest of the trip.

So it was among Jasper's amused chuckles and Emmett's mumbling of "stupid tree-hugging niece, whoever heard of a tree-hugging half-vampire" that we entered the house.

I spent the rest of the day among my family, excluding Alice, who we gave a wide berth in order to allow her to figure out the finishing touches on the actual wedding plans, not the made up wedding plans that were an excuse or a code name for something else.

I played chess with Uncle Jasper and wrestled with Uncle Emmett (who was much more rough than usual), let Aunt Rosalie braid my hair, and sat with my mother as we listened to my father read. I discussed politics with Grandpa Carlisle, baked cookies that only I would eat with Grandma Esme, and managed to mostly almost ignore the scratching thing in my chest.

Then, around six o'clock, Alice surprised the hell out of everybody by appearing in the living room without any charts or outfits or anything.

"I'm done," she said a little forlornly, and looked around. "I have absolutely nothing else to do until tomorrow."

"Why don't you come spend a little time with Renesmee and I before the wedding," Mom suggested, and Aunt Alice seemed to realize something. She rushed to my side.

"Do you want to do something?" She asked me quickly, bouncing lightly on her heels and I was so glad to see normal Aunt Alice for the first time in weeks that I jumped and hugged her, nearly knocking her to the ground. Not an easy feat when the knock-ee in question is a vampire, I tell you.

She caught her balance and pushed up on her tip-toes to hug me back, before pulling away. I took pleasure in being taller than her, since I was the shortest besides.

"So?" She asked. "Do you want to do something?"

"Like what?" I asked.

"We could . . ." She trailed off and I knew she was trying to see through the fuzz I created in her visions to make out what we were doing. Then she exclaimed softly, "Oh."

We all looked at her.

"Everything just disappeared," she informed us, and I didn't need her explanation to know what that meant. "It was blurry before, of course, because of Nessie, but now the rest of the night just disappeared. So – "

She cut off when Dad flew past her and out into the front yard. I raced to the window and arrived just in time to see Dad flying into the trees at the edge of the clearing. I could still see him though, his skin glittering diamonds from between the trees in the uncharacteristically bright Forks moonlight. The wind carried a scent like autumn and maple syrup through the window and I gripped the sill to keep upright. I could hear voices, but not the whole conversation, only bits and pieces carried through by the breeze:

"Just . . . let me see . . . miss her . . . imprint . . . you know . . . love . . . killing me . . ."

"No . . . only left . . . few hours . . . yours . . . long time . . . maybe forever . . ."

And then Dad stepped through into the clearing, wiping the upset look off his face when he saw me at the windowsill. The wind blew directly in my face and the scent was clean, not as nice as before.

"What happened, Dad?" I asked as soon as he was through the door. I turned and knocked into Mom, who I hadn't even realized was behind me. I knew she was perfectly able to hear the whole thing. "What did Jacob want?"

Dad sighed, placed a hand in the small of both me and Mom's back and led us back towards the living room, which had mysteriously emptied.

"Nothing much," Dad tried, but took a look at my face and realized that wasn't going to work, so he continued, rather unwillingly, "He wanted to see you, but I told him . . . that you were spending time with your family and that you'd . . . see him tomorrow at the wedding."

"But Dad," I said, careful to keep the whining edge that was trying to sneak into my voice out, "I spend time with you guys all the time. I have to apologize to Jake, and it's better to do it now instead of waiting for the wedding!"

"Renesmee," Dad said, his tone soft but serious, "I promise you will have more than enough time to apologize to Jacob if you want to, but not tonight. Now, I think I hear everyone in the kitchen – shall we join them?"

Mom rubbed my shoulders as I sighed and followed Dad into the kitchen. For beings that had no need of human food or a kitchen for that matter, they seemed to spend an awful lot of time there. I was glad Mom was still shielding my thoughts, so I could be resentful in peace.

After awhile I realized that my resentfulness wasn't helping anyone and that I would see Jake tomorrow and would be able to explain, and cheered up a bit. I was still a bit worried that he was somewhere, sad, while I laughed with my family in the kitchen and ate sugar cookies, but I tried to push the thought away.

I stayed up late and finished off the cookies (elk's blood had its perks, but sugar did too), sitting with Mom while Dad read to us again from Wuthering Heights. I barely listened, just let my head laze against Mom's shoulder and watched Aunt Rose and Emmett and Alice and Uncle Jasper dance around the room to the sound of his voice. Only my Dad could turn literature to music with no instruments whatsoever.

Grandpa Carlisle sat on the other couch with Grandma, swaying slightly to the rhythm of Dad's words. He read from a huge medical text balanced gracefully in one hand and Grandma sewed, her eyes barely on the material, her fingers flitting up and down, pushing the needle in and out with practiced ease.

I watched them, my family, together and laughing and whispering and loving and being and for the moment, I was happy. I didn't have my Jacob, not all the way, not exactly how I wanted, but hopefully come tomorrow I would at least have my best friend, and that was all right for now. I guess. I didn't want to be miserable anymore, because I realized I had been making myself miserable for weeks – I just wanted what every other person in my family had. Was that wrong?

I watched them interact with ease, flowing around each other like it was what they were meant to do, be together. I fell asleep thinking about family, fell asleep and dreamed about the one part of mine who wasn't there.

* * *

**Coming up:**

And then, again, my mouth working without my permission, went, "I always want you."

He looked at me then, hard, for the first time in two days and I had to really, really concentrate to keep myself upright. Especially in these shoes.

Jake seemed to be thinking about something.

"Ness, can - can I - I mean, I understand after everything if you don't want to, but - can I hug you?"


	8. In Which Everything is All Right

**_A/N: _**It's Monday! I hope you like this chapter because most of this chapter and the beginning of the next chapter were ridiculously hard to write and I couldn't figure out why until Jacob came in and I realized I was having a herd time writing without his character. Weird, right? I just love doing the whole Jake-and-Nessie back and forth so much. Okay, so no one's got it right in a review yet, so y'all have got until Thursday for that. I'm actually proud of myself that I didn't give y'all something ridiculously easy.

Also, I'm not sure on the details yet, but I'm going to be leaving the country for two months within in the next several weeks to visit family. I won't have regular access to internet, so at the most I may be able to update once, but I'll give you a two or three chapter block. Any feedback on how you'd like the updates - like, a few before I leave, a few when I can, then a few when I get back before it goes back to normal, or what? I'm definitely not abandoning the story, but I beg you all to add it to your story alerts so you don't forget about me!

Also, a big thanks to all my readers and reviewers! _Hands on Me_ has reached over 1,000 hits for the month of March!

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Twilight, or the Shakira song 'Something'. I only own the term Strangely Calm Yet Infinitely More Scary Aunt Alice, because I have a Strangely Calm Yet Infinitely More Scary Aunt Fatma. She's the best, though. Nothing would get done without her.

* * *

Chapter Eight: In Which Everything is Going to Be All Right. Or Not.

* * *

_and even if we never marry  
__i will always love you baby, childishly_

_- shakira, something_

-

I was wrong about the dawn's first light thing. I awoke the morning of Grandpa Charlie's wedding on my own, around ten in the morning. I vaguely remembered cool arms carrying me up the stairs and into Dad's old bedroom, my parents climbing in with me and curling into either side. I was alone now though, and I sat up and ran through the long day I had ahead of me in my head.

I padded down the steps in my wrinkled clothes from yesterday and was immediately intercepted by Scary Aunt Alice, who had morphed into Strangely Calm Yet Infinitely More Scary Aunt Alice, and she ordered me straight back up to Dad's old bedroom to double-check my dress and "essentials and accessories". After that little bit of horror was over with, I was released for the time being.

I thanked the heavens, not for the first time, that I was not a vampire when Strangely Calm Yet Infinitely More Scary Aunt Alice informed me that I would be the last to get my hair and make-up done because I wasn't as skilled at not fidgeting as my vampire family and she didn't trust me not to ruin my hair before the wedding had even started. So it was with a slightly grateful air that I sat in her and Uncle Jasper's cavernous bathroom and watched my grandmother, mother, and aunt be subjected to the wrath that was Alice.

Aunt Alice had decided that all the bridesmaids were to wear their hair down and be given finger-waves. I watched with interest as Alice pulled and pinned my mother's hair until it was perfect. She applied her make-up quickly, keeping it simple and finishing with a bright red lip. It was all a very quick affair, but Mom still looked more than relieved when Alice told her she was free to go.

Mom quickly mumbled some excuse about heading downstairs to check on the favors and flashed out of the room as quickly as she dared.

Grandma Esme was next, and she was given a very simple updo and no make-up. I didn't think anyone would notice, since she was so gorgeous anyway. After she was done, she swept out of the room to go "arrange the men".

Aunt Rosalie left her hair mostly alone, wearing her golden tresses long and flowing down her back, but in true Rosalie style, her make-up was an affair of its own entirely. She showed unprecedented bravery by calmly disagreeing with Strangely Calm Yet Infinitely More Scary Aunt Alice, and arguing her point until they came to a compromise. When she rose gracefully from Alice's beauty chair, it was with dramatic smoky grey eyes and pale pink lips.

As Strangely Calm Yet Infinitely More Scary Aunt Alice turned on me, I wished harder than ever that there were more bridesmaids or vampires to go before me. Leah, who was Maid of Honor, finally submitted to the inevitable tide that was Alice and agreed to wear the chosen dress and hair style, but refused to have her hair and make-up done by a vampire, so was instead having it done at a local salon. This resulted in Scary Aunt Alice paying a visit to the head hairdresser at said salon and scaring her nearly senseless with precise instructions and ominous hints about what might happen should the results not be to her liking.

"I'm not going to do your hair until _right _before we leave, so you'll have absolutely _no chance_ to mess it up," Infinitely More Scary Aunt Alice told me, and I barely had time to sigh with relief before she was out of the room.

Strangely Calm Yet Infinitely More Scary Aunt Alice spent the rest of the day flitting back and forth between our house and Grandpa Charlie's, giving orders with a calm precision that left no room for variation or argument. I spent the rest of the morning and first part of the afternoon with various family members, wandering through the house and stopping whenever I saw someone doing something interesting.

I enjoyed being with my family, but my thoughts inevitably led back to Jake. I would see him in a few short hours, and I had absolutely no idea what I would say. Hopefully he would settle for groveling, begging, then promptly forgetting the whole affair, but somehow I doubted it. At least he wasn't angry, which I still really didn't understand. Maybe he just got over it – decided our friendship was worth more that my stupid little crush.

I nearly laughed; if only this were a crush.

It was while I was absorbed with these thoughts that Strangely Calm Yet Infinitely More Scary Aunt Alice glided into the room.

"All right," she said in a very business-like, very un-Alice tone, "It's four o'clock now, and I have to go and get Sue ready. Your mother's coming with me to be with Charlie. I will be back in _one hour_ to do your hair, so be _ready_."

Her words left an unsaid threat in the air of what would happen if I was not ready. Just before she turned to dance away, her eyes went familiarly blank. Alice let out a very unladylike oath and shouted, "Rosalie!"

Aunt Rose came down the stairs a moment later, already dressed in a tight black gown that, of course, made her look even more stunning than usual.

"Oh, Rosalie, I forgot about that _dog_," snarled Aunt Alice, who had never fully forgiven Jake for not informing her about the wedding, something she considered base treachery. "I have to go and he needs to be dressed, I doubt he can navigate a tux by himself – can you help me?"

Aunt Rose looked torn between being mildly horrified and slightly intrigued, as though she were planning intricate tortures that somehow involved tuxedos. I could barely pay attention; my head was whirring at the thought of Jacob being so close, on his way here, now –

"Please, Rose?" Alice begged, and Aunt Rosalie gave a nearly imperceptible nod. "I don't care what you do to him, as long as he looks decent. Make sure he does something with his hair, just – er, don't cut it."

Aunt Alice shot me a quick look I hoped Aunt Rosalie missed, and then she was gone. I chanced a quick glance at Aunt Rose and was relieved that she hadn't seemed to notice. I was slightly worried, though, about the look on her face that couldn't possibly bode well for Jacob.

Aunt Rosalie turned to me, smiling pleasantly even though her nose was wrinkled slightly.

"Renesmee, darling, you should go ahead and get in the shower now."

As I was heading up the stairs, I smelled what Aunt Rose must have smelled earlier, although it smelled much different to her: aftershave and autumn. Jacob, unmistakably, and I shuddered even though it wasn't cold.

I childishly rushed to the bathroom and threw the window wide open, making it just in time to see Jake's tall figure disappear as he stepped up onto the porch. I sighed unhappily. I don't think I'd ever been two days without seeing Jacob, and I was only now realizing how much I missed him. Maybe I could ride with him to the wedding? Probably not.

I turned on the shower as hot as it would go and stripped off. I willed myself to calm down as I stepped under the hot spray, letting the steaming water soak my tangled hair. I shampooed my hair extremely slowly, taking twice as much time as necessary and listening with amusement to the muffled sounds of Aunt Rose and Jacob's battle royal. I lathered my hair with conditioner, then turned off the water while I let the conditioner sit, telling myself it was because I was such a conservationist and not because I wanted to be nosy.

I could just make out "fleas", "tick-infested", and "called a cummerbund, you stupid mutt" from Aunt Rosalie and "blonde", "stupid bloodsucker", and "probably miss the deer" from Jacob.

I laughed to myself and shaved my legs while I waited, resenting the fact that I had to do it at all. I guess I should just be thankful I didn't have to do it as often as normal humans – dealing with this every other day would drive me insane. I reluctantly turned back on the shower when I was finished, drowning out the sound of Jacob's voice. I rinsed my hair and body quickly and turned off the shower, not even trying to make myself believe it was for any other reason than to be able to hear Jake more clearly.

I missed him. Insanely, terribly, and it only grew worse with every second that I knew he was just below me that passed. It was ridiculous, because what would I say? I still had no idea. It was insane to want to rush so badly towards something you were not looking forward to.

I forced myself to settle for his voice; the deep, rough quality it had, recognizable even when his words were muffled. I remembered the last time I heard it: last night out in the forest as he argued with my father, and the time before that: just after I raced out of his bedroom. They seemed like years ago – had it really only been days since I'd seen him? Two days? It felt like years.

I toweled my hair slowly, which wasn't exactly easy when every fiber of my being itched to race down the stairs and into Jacob's arms. I tried not to think about how that probably would not be well-received. I tried to take my time brushing out my hair too, taking each strand individually and brushing it out, but the brush soon ran through my entire bronze mane without so much as a snag, so that was it for that.

I wrapped myself in someone's – Alice's, by the smell of it – robe, and opened the door that led from the showers to the rest of the bathroom to find the robe-owner in question waiting on me, her hair and make-up already done.

She didn't look particularly murderous, but I couldn't be sure.

"Am – am I late?" I asked nervously.

"No, no," she chirped, in almost normal Alice fashion. "You are exactly on time."

She ushered me into her spinning chair of tortures and spun me away from the mirror. I closed my eyes as she began to work.

"So," Aunt Alice asked after a few minutes, "Are you excited? It's your first wedding!"

I thought about it. Honestly, with all my Jacob troubles recently, I hadn't had time to be excited.

"Sure, I guess," I told her, not completely truthfully, "I'm really happy for Grandpa Charlie and Aun – Grandma Sue. I love them both so much, and I know Mom worries about him a lot and he deserves to be happy."

"Oh, yes," Aunt Alice agreed. "Charlie is great. I really hope he likes how everything turns out."

I opened my eyes at the self-consciousness in her voice. Even though she'd scared me to near incontinence several times over the past few days, I decided to take pity on her.

"Of course he's going to love it, Alice," I told her, adding an eye-roll for good measure. "Everyone always loves it. You know that."

"Yes, well," Alice said modestly, but I knew she was pleased. There was a final tug on my hair and then, "There. You're done."

I was shocked. I expected a much more drawn-out affair than that, even having seen Mom's hair be done.

"Already?" I asked.

My shock must have been obvious, because Alice lifted her palms toward me and winked. "Vampire hands, remember?"

We both giggled, but then Alice instructed me to sit still so she could do my make-up. That had been an issue Aunt Alice and Dad had been going back and forth over for the past few days. Dad didn't like the idea of me wearing make-up at all and Alice obviously liked it very much, so they were at odds. Of course, Alice inevitably won, but with stipulations.

Myself, I didn't care too much either way. I would never waste time applying the stuff to my face on a regular basis, but it _was_ a wedding and I didn't want to insult Grandpa Charlie and Grandma Sue by coming in looking like I do every other day, as if I didn't care.

"All right, open your eyes. Now pucker your lips," she instructed and I complied. "Okay – so your Dad said no red lipstick, but that's not really _fair_ because that's what all the other bridesmaids are wearing, and you want to match, don't you? Of course you do. So anyway, I say we just try and go as long as possible without letting him see it and then beg. Sound good?"

I opened my eyes, which I had closed again after keeping them open had become unnecessary.

"What?"

"Just stay away from Edward, all right?" She said, and then seemed to pause to think. "Well, no, never mind. Don't avoid him – I'll handle it."

She grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the chair. I tried to look in the mirror, but she whisked me out of the bathroom before I could, saying, "Not until you're dressed! You've got to get the complete experience!"

I was then unceremoniously yanked into Dad's old bedroom where I saw my dress hanging on the closet door, freshly pressed. Alice helped me pull it on and slide my feet into the white stilettos. I didn't even cry.

She clasped the locket my mom gave me when I was little around my neck and the dainty gold bracelet Jacob had attempted to try on around my wrist.

"Okay," Alice said energetically, pulling me around to face her so she could pick at my hair. "Are you ready?"

I sighed, trying not to let her know how I was anxious to see, though I'm sure my heartbeat betrayed me.

"Yes."

"Are you _really _ready?"

"Alice!" I half-shouted in my impatience.

"Okay, okay!" She said shooing my eyes closed and ushering me towards what I assumed was a mirror. "Renesmee Cullen, I present to you, Renesmee Cullen. Open your eyes!"

I obeyed.

I was sort of shocked. My bronze curls had been straightened and then styled into perfect finger-waves that fell all the way down my back. My eyes had been . . . mascara'd and I think there was a hint of pale gold shimmer on my eyelids, but it was very subtle. My lips, on the other hand, were a vivid red. They stood out in bright contrast to my pale skin.

It was so strange. I looked like me, except, well . . . not.

"Wow," was all I could manage.

"'Wow' is right, Renesmee Cullen. I deserve an award for that one. I didn't think it was possible to make someone as beautiful as you any prettier, but I managed it."

Her words made me blush, which in turn made her add, "See – that's why I didn't add any blush. Your natural blush is so much better."

I made a conscious effort to keep the blush from getting darker, but I didn't see if it worked because I turned away from the mirror.

"Thanks, Aunt Alice, but don't we have to go?"

"Yes, in a few minutes, but . . . oh, Nessie," she sighed, a pretty sound that I would never be able to imitate. "Jacob isn't going to know what hit him."

Whatever I had been expecting, it wasn't that. Whatever far-fetched, strange little fantasies or daydreams I concocted or entertained when I had nothing else better to do hadn't even come close to this one. What was she talking about? I wasn't trying to . . . and Jake definitely didn't . . .

"No, no," I told her quickly, shaking my head so I wouldn't have to keep my eyes focused on any one place. "It's not like that, Aunt Alice, it's . . . Jake's not – "

"Nessie," Alice cut me off, holding up one dainty finger. "You don't have to tell me, but don't lie to me."

Since I had nothing to say to that, I headed towards the stairs, exponentially more nervous that I had been two minutes ago, and that was saying something. Aunt Alice cut me off right before I made it to the staircase.

"Nessie, I wasn't trying to embarrass you. Or pry, and I won't mention it again, but I wasn't lying." I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about, or at least pretended not to. "It's easier to see than you know. And he is."

Now I actually had no idea what she was talking about. I think that maybe after the wedding I should set up some kind of workshop to teach my family how to stop talking in riddles. I know a lot of people who could benefit from it – me especially. I didn't want to continue on this vein, though, so I pretended I understood.

"Okay, Aunt Alice, can we just go down now?" I asked her, giving my best pretty please eyes. "You don't want to be late, do you?"

"You go," she told me, and kissed my cheek. "I've got to put my dress on and I'll be right down."

I walked down the stairs slowly. Partly because I was nervous about seeing Jacob, especially all made up like this, especially after what Alice had said (or to be more accurate, hadn't), and partly because wouldn't it just be lovely if I fell on my ass in front of everyone in these shoes? So, slowness was the key to avoiding humiliation. At this particular point in time, anyway.

When I reached the bottom of the stairs, my excuse was expired, and I had to look up.

And there he was.

Jacob was sitting on the couch, looking very uncomfortable and very handsome in a black tuxedo. His long, dark hair was pulled back at the nape of his neck and held together with what appeared to be a ribbon. I snorted as I thought of Aunt Rosalie wrestling Jacob to put the ribbon in place.

His head shot up at the sound. It was strange that he didn't hear me before, being the only other person in the house with a heartbeat and him having super-sonic werewolf hearing and all, but maybe he was just really absorbed in thought.

He jumped up.

Had I forgotten how tall he was? It had only been two days; surely, he couldn't have grown in two days?

"Jacob – " I started, but he cut me off.

"Oh, Nessie, I'm so sorry!" He exclaimed, crossing the room in two long strides. "I'm such an idiot – I should have never – "

"No, Jacob, I'm sorry. It's all my fault – and then I acted like such a baby and ran – "

" – and you had every right to, I can't believe I – "

" – and I'm sorry I haven't talked to you, but I was upset and then Mom and Dad said I should wait –"

" – no, no, I deserve it, Nessie! You should never talk to me again, I can't believe you're even standing here – "

" - and then I just didn't know what to say, and I was so afraid you'd be angry, so I'm just really, really –"

" – and I just kept kicking myself, I was sure you wouldn't want to even look at me anymore, so I just wanna say – "

" – sorry!" We both finished at the same time. I almost laughed, but I had to make sure first.

I took another, small step forward. "So – so you're not mad at me?"

"No!" He almost-shouted. "How – what d'you – why would _I_ be mad at _you_?"

I didn't understand. Again.

"Because – because I almost ruined everything, because I –"

"You?" Jacob asked me, incredulous. "I'm the one who – who – "

"Can we still be friends?" I burst out, needing it to be stated, plain and simple, before I would allow myself to hope.

That stopped Jacob dead in his tracks. Whatever he had been thinking of saying seemed to have flown from his mind. He looked ridiculously happy and sad at the same time.

"Of course, Nessie," he said softly, and shuffled his big feet. "If you still want me, that is."

And then, again, my mouth working without my permission, went, "I always want you."

He looked at me then, hard, for the first time in two days and I had to really, really concentrate to keep myself upright. Especially in these shoes.

Jake seemed to be thinking about something.

"Ness, can – can I – I mean, I understand after everything if you don't want to, but – can I hug you?"

Oh, this was humiliating. Everything was so easy before, and now it was going to be like this. Every move planned and agonized over, by myself and Jacob both, afraid of giving the wrong impression or setting my wild hormones loose again.

"Of course, Jacob," I told him quietly, using his words back at him. I was sure my cheeks were flaming. "I understand if _you_ don't want to, but you don't even have to ask."

As soon as the words were out of my mouth, Jacob had closed the rest of the space between us and snatched me up. I threw my arms around his neck and his arms were so tight around my waist I could feel the heat from his skin through my dress. My stilettos dangled feet from the ground and my cheek was on his shoulder and I was all right.

I made carefully sure my skin wasn't touching his, and then I let myself have it. Let the pure, unadulterated joy radiate through every fiber of my being. Jacob was here, he was _mine._ My Jacob. Maybe not exactly how I wanted, but he was there and he was mine and this was . . . normal.

Normal? The love was there, definitely, but it had always been, I just hadn't noticed it. Where was the rushing? The tightening of my stomach and the nearly irrepressible urge to pull his lips down to mine? Was this what Jacob meant about learning to control it? The urge was still there, but dormant, not forcing my hand like it was before. It probably had to do with just being so grateful that I could have this one good thing back.

Jacob pressed his face into my neck and he inhaled deeply, like I did before when I thought he wasn't looking. He must have missed me. He must love me a lot to forgive me for this whole mess I put us into. So it couldn't be so, so bad if it wasn't the right way, could it? Love is love, isn't it?

So, could I touch him now? Touch him without transporting my dreams and thoughts and fantasies to him like before? I missed sharing my thoughts with my family, Jacob especially. I missed them knowing exactly how I felt without having to tell them. But did Jacob need to know exactly how I felt? I think that if I hadn't noticed the love before, that love, then neither had he, so that meant it was okay, right? I think it did.

I pulled back a little, arching my back so I could look Jake in the face. I held my hand up to his face and asked, "Can I do something?"

Jacob surprised me by looking nervous. "W-what?"

"I just – I just want to show you something," I explained, and then blushed when I realized what he was afraid of. "I want to show you how happy I am and how sorry."

"Oh," he said, then leaned surprised me again by leaning his face into my palm. "But don't show me how sorry you are, because that'll only make me feel bad."

I gripped his cheek gently, then let my joy loose. All my happiness to have been forgiven and my regret at almost ruining everything, then my happiness again. His eyes never left mine, but he frowned a little every time he sensed the apology running through. I finished with the burst of joy I felt when he hugged me. I didn't show him the memory, so I was pleasantly surprised when he gripped me tighter.

I pulled my hand away quickly and felt suddenly shy. Was that too much too soon? Would I freak him out again and again until he decided he couldn't deal with it anymore? I glanced back up at Jake and my heart almost stopped when I saw he eyes were wet.

I thought they were, anyway, but when I looked again it was gone.

"Th-thank you," he said finally, after what felt like a long time. He squeezed me tighter and pressed his cheek against mine – my breath hitched as I felt his on my ear. "Thank you so much, Ness."

He set me down then, and I wobbled unsteadily on my shoes from hell. Jacob, of course, caught and steadied me.

He let out a bark of a laugh and it helped my insides settle a little, feel a little more normal. "She chose the bad ones, huh?"

"Yeah," I said, and it was almost like before. _Almost_. "Well, I didn't have any choice, because I used my veto to let you keep your hair."

"What?" He asked, and smiled, and the sun shone.

"My veto," I explained. "You know, the one thing Alice lets you have control over. Well, not control over, but you can choose to get rid of or trade one thing. I was going to use mine for the shoes, but then she said she was going to chop your hair, so I used my veto."

"But wouldn't I get a veto?" He said, half-curious, half-joking.

"Well, Alice isn't feeling too sympathetic towards – oh, how did she put it? Ah, yes – that dog that almost ruined Charlie's wedding. So I don't think she would be so kind."

"Oh," he said, and winced. I was sure he was imagining a wedding-crazed Alice chasing him around, wielding a pair of sharp scissors. "Thanks, then. I like my hair."

"I didn't do it for you," I told him, and stuck out my tongue. I tasted the lipstick and cringed – that was a mistake, Alice was going to kill me. "I did it because you look stupid with short hair."

Well, it was better than the truth, wasn't it?

I looked up at him and grinned. "Since you get to keep your hair, the least you get to deal with is a bow. Aunt Rose got to you?"

He cringed, remembering, I'm sure, the battle royal that occurred between him and Aunt Rose here less that twenty minutes ago.

"I think it's super-glued in," he informed me seriously, and I couldn't help but giggle. "But at least I got her hair – she had to go fix it again. She was hella pissed."

He seemed to think for a second.

"Still wasn't as nice as yours."

I was touched.

"That's sweet, Jake," I told him, and patted his arm. I went to sit on the couch. "Me and Mom and Leah all have our hair and make-up matching. The dresses are the same, too, but in different colors."

"Yeah, I saw Bella earlier," Jake told me, sitting down a little further from me on the couch and pulling at his collar. "She looked real pretty."

I glared suspiciously at Aunt Alice when she danced down the stairs a few minutes later and smiled sweetly at us. There was no vampire on this earth that took five minutes to put on a dress. Jake looked a little scared and I remembered he was still on Alice's hit list.

As though she read my thoughts, Alice chirped, "I changed my mind about my shoes. Anyway, Jacob, you look half-decent, so I think you need to head over to Charlie's. The wedding can't go on without the best man."

Jake stood up and brushed off his tux self-importantly.

"Best man," he said, but I wasn't sure if he was talking to me or himself or his tuxedo. "That's right."

"That's right, Jacob," I told him, hurrying to get him out before Aunt Alice lost her temper and broke him. "You're the best man, the world would stop spinning without you, you are amazing. Now leave before Alice eats you."

"I wouldn't," I heard Alice scoff quietly from behind me, as though I had offended her delicate sensibilities.

"As long as you think so, Ness," he said, and winked at me.

Then he was out the door.

I watched him go with a mixture of shock, admiration, and maybe a little sadness. I jumped a little when Aunt Alice gripped me from behind, hugging me a little harder than necessary and resting her cool chin on my shoulder.

"It's all right," she whispered, as I watched the Rabbit spin out of the yard. "Everything's going to be all right."

I almost said something, but it didn't seem like she was talking to me anymore.

* * *

**(A/N: **I would generally give you a more plot-revealing quote, but I don't want to give too much away since someone has yet to guess what happens, so here's just a little snippet of something . . . interesting.**)**

**Coming up:**

"You look really pretty tonight," Jacob said a moment later, again a little randomly, with the air of someone saying the first thing that was on their mind without thinking it through. "I haven't really seen you all dressed up before, and I . . . I didn't really notice earlier."

"You look nice too, Jake," I told him, which was nothing but the truth. If he only knew how much. "Better without the bow and jacket."

"Yeah?" He asked, for some reason looking unsure. "Thanks, then, I guess."

There was silence for about three seconds, then Jake asked, "Hey, Ness?"

"Yeah?" I asked, and then I almost screamed.


	9. In Which They Run

**_A/N: _**Hey y'all, found out I'm leaving April first, which is sooner than I expected but I'm excited. I'm going to continue updating as normal and the night before I leave I'll post a three or four chapter block. I've got twenty chapters completed now and I'll continue writing while I'm gone, but I won't have easy internet access so I won't be able to post. I'll try to upload as much as I have onto my FF.n account before I leave so if I get to an internet cafe I give you a few chapters. Please review all the chapters even if I'm giving them to you at once! Anyway, God willing, I'll be back the first week of June so you'll have more updates then and I'll pick up where I left off.

Tell me what you think of the Seth/Nessie scene, since it was hard for me to write and I'm not sure if I got it. Tell me what you think about the Jake/Nessie dance scene too, because I'm proud of myself for it. *grins smugly*.

**_Disclaimer: _**On September 26, 1992 at precisely 8:10 a.m., a little girl was born. Her name was not Stephanie Meyer. If it wasn't clear, said little girl was me and this counts as a disclaimer. I also don't own the song _Landslide_, but it's ironic since it's also a song about running away from a wedding, albeit in very different circumstances.

**_Dedication: _**I'm dedicating this chapter to **Gina.N.B**, because although she didn't get it right in a review, she guessed pretty darn close in a PM and she's the only one of my regular reviewers who reviewed last chapter. So right now, I love her most (I love the rest of you too, though - don't worry.). I'm kind of suprised no one really guessed right since pretty much everybody got it right last time, but I guess they just overlooked the summary. Anywho, **Gina.N.B**, you rock - again.

* * *

Chapter Nine: In Which They Run

* * *

_it's five a.m. and if i run, i'm sure to pay for what i've done  
__but if i stay, i'm sure to wish i ran_

_- train, landslide_

-

Unsurprisingly, Grandpa Charlie and Grandma Sue's wedding had gone off without a hitch.

It was a credit to Alice's scariness that she managed to wrangle twelve permanently teenage werewolves and the largest coven of vampires in the Northern hemisphere into perfect submission for the wedding of two humans. There weren't even any catcalls from the werewolves when Grandpa Charlie and Grandma Sue shared their very first kiss as husband and wife. I suspected that this had much more to do with Grandma Sue's scariness that Aunt Alice's, though.

Alice had a huge white tent constructed in the back yard, and a wooden dance floor laid down at the very front where the ceremony had taken place. The rest of the tent was filled with delicate little tables and chairs, and little white lanterns hanging from the ceiling every now and then, giving everything a warm glow. Grandpa Charlie's backyard was small, but so was the wedding, so it was a perfect fit.

Everything had gone perfectly. I had already greeted the happy couple, with a "Congratulations, Mr. Swan" out loud and a whispered, "I love you, Grandpa" in his ear and was now watching them have their first, awkward dance as husband and wife.

As the next song started, I saw Jacob (who had apparently nixed his bow in favor of a rubber band and his coat entirely, and was sure to incur Alice's wrath later) lead a very beautiful Leah out onto the dance floor. I stamped down the burst of jealousy that I had no right to feel. Jacob was just my friend and he had the right to dance with whoever he wanted – besides, I reminded myself, when my first attempt to reason with myself didn't work, they were the Best Man and Maid of Honor, they had to dance first after the wedding couple.

I started to calm down a little, but then I saw Embry lead Mom out onto the dance floor and knew I was next. Technically, it made more sense for Mom to dance with Seth and Embry and I to dance together, but Alice had pitched a fit and carried on about height difference and compatible auras and everyone just agreed very quickly to get to her stop.

Seth came up to me and bumped me on the arm. "We're next. You ready?"

I watched Jacob swirl, a little awkward, but gracefully with Leah and saw my Mom spin past with Embry, comfortable and laughing, and I was so not ready.

I looked up at Seth, who was tall by normal human standards, but not necessarily werewolf ones. "As ready as I'll ever be."

He offered me his arm, which would be considered huge to most people, but not me since I spent most of my time with Jacob, who was massive. I took it, and just as Alice gave her cue for us to enter, I whispered, "Please don't let me fall."

He chuckled, and gripped me tighter. "I won't."

I did my best to smile above my thumping heart as Seth pulled me closer, still keeping a respectable distance between us, and began to dance. I knew the steps, but I also knew that I was concentrating too hard and would soon forget them if I kept this up, so I needed a distraction.

"So, should I call you Uncle Seth now?" I teased quietly, looking around first to make sure no one was in hearing distance that shouldn't be.

He laughed out loud at that. A nice sound, but so different from Jacob's.

Was this how everything was going to be now – comparing everything with Jacob when I knew it could never measure up? We swirled past the werewolf in question then, and he shot us a strange look. Seth grinned at something over my shoulder.

"What is it?" I asked, but he didn't answer. He turned and dipped me slightly and I gripped his arms for dear life.

"Don't do that," I told him breathlessly when I was upright again, but he wasn't paying attention. He was still smiling over my shoulder.

"What – oh, sorry," he apologized, grinning quickly, then returning his gaze to above my head.

I tried to subtly lead us around so I could see the source of what had captured Seth's attention so, but I think he caught me, because he spun me around in the other direction.

"Who is it, Seth?" I asked, still straining to see over my shoulder.

He glanced down and there was a look on his face that I thought I'd seen somewhere before, but couldn't place it. "I, um . . . I kinda . . . imprinted."

I blinked. I had heard that somewhere before.

"Is that good?" I asked hesitantly.

"What?" He asked me, shocked. For once he was looking at me and not whatever was so interesting behind me. "You don't know what an imprint is?"

I shook my head, wondering if I should. Seth's eyes widened then, and I took it that he at least thought so.

"It's a wolf thing," he told me, quiet enough that no human could hear. I could tell from the air spinning around us that we were still dancing, but I was no longer paying attention. "It's how we, uh . . . find our – our mates."

"What?" I asked. I wasn't feeling very eloquent today.

"Our soul mates, I mean," he told me, a little shyly. He glanced over my shoulder again at what I now knew must be a girl.

I remembered Jacob with a start. I scanned my peripherals and he wasn't there, but I could smell him, so I knew he was still dancing.

Soul mates. Seth had found his soul mate. Did that mean Jake would too? Was this weird werewolf true love thing another thing I would have to worry about taking Jacob even farther away from me?

Seth didn't appear to want to offer anything else on his own, so I tried again.

"So, how does it work? You fall in love and then you . . . imprint?"

"No, it's not like that," he told me, a little nervously this time, and looked around, but not in the direction where I knew his . . . imprint was. "It's kind of like love-at-first sight except stronger. You – you can't live without the person, you become whatever they need."

He smiled at me so brightly that I knew he must be thinking of his newfound true love. "It's amazing."

"Wow," I said slowly, trying to process everything. "So . . . when did this happen? Just now?"

"No," Seth told me, chuckling slightly. "About a week ago. But I'm still . . . I'm still just so shocked. She's perfect."

I watched the look on Seth's face as he gazed over my shoulder with jealousy, though I tried to pretend that wasn't what it was. So everyone was paired up, and it was a werewolf thing that they seemed to have no control over, so it could happen to Jake at anytime and then I would lose him forever. I was struck then with a horrible thought. What if it already had?

"Um . . . so, does this happen to all wolves?" I asked, scared to death of hearing the answer, but the curiosity killing me.

"No," Seth said, and looked like he was thinking hard. "Not all of us, but . . . it can. You have to see her, though, so . . . "

He trailed off, but didn't look away.

"Are you the only one?"

"No," he said again, spinning me in what I recognized was the opposite direction of Jacob. "It's not only me."

I did my best to keep my heart rate down, since I knew Seth would be able to hear it and the last thing I needed was another person knowing my humiliating secret.

After another moment of silence, I groaned. Was he really going to make me beg for information?

"Who else?"

"Sam and Emily," Seth said after a moment, and pieces started coming together. "And Jared and Kim, and . . . and Quil and Claire."

That threw a kink in the machine.

"What?" I asked.

"It's not like that," he informed me quickly. "It's like I said, he'll be whatever she needs: a brother, a friend, whatever. She's too young for it to be romantic now. He doesn't feel that way."

"Oh."

I felt a little consoled, but still very confused.

So there was some weird werewolf, mate-for-life thing Jacob had never told me about. Why hadn't he? This only made everything so much worse. I'd always had the worry in the back of my mind that he would find someone some day and leave me alone, and I'd been so consoled when he'd told me that he didn't date that night in my bedroom that seemed like so long ago, but now I understood why.

Why date when you knew your soul mate was out there, waiting for you? And you'd know them immediately when you saw them? God, I was so dumb. I guess all I could hope for now was that Jake never found this girl.

But was that fair? Did I really want that? Did I really want to begrudge Jacob happiness, his true soul mate, just so I could stay content? I would have to think about that. I groaned with another realization as I remembered my promise: I would have to _talk_ to him about that. At least about the imprint thing, and why he hadn't told me about it.

I tried not to cry as the flicker of hope that burst inside me at the beginning of me and Seth's conversation burnt out. It was a love-at-first sight thing, and Jacob had seen me plenty of times.

I looked up to see Seth staring over my shoulder again, and I smiled this time. I loved Seth like a brother and it was great to see him so happy, but I wondered if I could ever watch Jacob look at someone else like that and be happy for them. I didn't think I could. Did that make me bad?

"Can I meet her?" I asked suddenly, without being completely sure why. It just seemed important to piecing everything together. Maybe Emily, Claire, Kim, and this new girl shared some mystery quality that eluded everyone else, eluded me.

Seth looked surprised, but not upset.

"Sure," he said, as the song began to wind to a close. "Just after this is over. Alice would kill us if we left in the middle."

I never got the chance to meet Seth's girl, though, because as soon as the final notes of the song resounded through the tent, a white hand appeared on Seth's shoulder.

"May I have the next dance?" Dad asked.

"With Nessie or me?" Seth joked, grinning with amusement at himself.

"As good of a dancer and I'm sure you are, Seth, I was actually asking my daughter."

"Sure, no problem, Edward," Seth agreed quickly, and I'm sure he was eager to get back to his . . . imprint. He melted away as the next song began.

I wrapped my arms around Dad's cool neck and he pulled me closer than Seth had, swirling us around with more grace than I could compete with. I saw Mom dance past awkwardly with Grandpa Charlie, and tried to look around for Jacob, but he was nowhere to be found.

"So, Renesmee, how are you enjoying your first wedding?" Dad asked me neutrally.

"It was really good," I said, a little distracted now since I was trying my best not to look like a total klutz next to my Dad. "Grandpa Charlie is so happy, and I guess I'm lucky that my first ever wedding was an Alice production. "

Dad chuckled. "That you were."

We danced in silence for a few more minutes, but it was a companionable silence, and not awkward. I tried to keep my thoughts on Grandpa Charlie and the wedding so they wouldn't drift toward my conversation with Seth, since I didn't know for sure whether Mom was still shielding me or not.

I closed my eyes and swayed with the music, trying to forget about the steps and thought I was just getting the hang of it when I felt Dad stop. The scent tipped me off before my eyes could, but when I opened them, they confirmed it. Jacob was standing beside us and Dad was looking . . . well, like a vampire.

"Can I cut in?" Jake asked, and he looked strange.

I felt Dad tense beside me and I didn't understand it. Why was he so angry?

"Jacob, is now really the time?" Dad spat from between clenched teeth.

"Just the rest of the dance, then I'll give her back, I promise."

I looked back and forth between my father and Jacob, discussing me like I wasn't there, talking about trading me like I was a baseball card. Dad's hands tightened around my waist.

"I want to dance with Jake," I said, louder than I meant to. "I'll dance another dance with you later, Dad, I promise."

Dad's face softened a little and so did his grip, but he didn't look any happier. He kissed my forehead and then released me. "All right, Renesmee, but I'm going to hold you to that. Remember that we're leaving early."

Leaving early? Remember? This was the first I'd heard of it, but before I would ask or even give a questioning glance, Dad had melted away into the crowd and into Mom's waiting arms.

I turned my gaze back to Jacob, suddenly shy. Had I danced with Jake before? I couldn't remember. And if I had, the circumstances had definitely been different than this.

We kind of stood there awkwardly for a few seconds, before Jacob stepped forward and placed his warm hands gently on my waist. He ducked his head and then looked down at me as if to make sure it was okay. I couldn't help but smile at his sweetness, and this seemed to reassure him. He laughed at how far I had to reach, even in my heels, to place my hands on his shoulders.

"You're so small," he grinned, strands of dark hair escaping from its tie and falling into his face as he gazed down at me.

I rolled my eyes at his comment to give me time to clear my head. "Just to you, because you're massive."

"Here," Jake said, and I was surprised when he lifted me lightly onto his feet. It helped, but not by much. It also brought us that much closer, which didn't bode well for me and my attempts to keep my thoughts under control and my heart rate even. "Now you're closer."

"And I also look like a five-year-old," I informed him, but couldn't bring myself to pull away.

"You don't look like a five-year-old," Jacob told me, moving his fingers slightly on my waist in a way that brought back that new feeling that I now had a name for in full force. "You look like a sixteen year old, as you point out to me at every opportunity. Just a very tiny sixteen year old."

"Well, since I no longer have control over my feet, you can dance, and I'll just stand here," I told him, and leaned into his chest as he moved. I could feel his heartbeat thrumming against my ear and it was nice, like a lullaby.

"So," he said after a moment, "Am I a better dancer than Seth?"

What was I supposed to say to that? If it came down to who had better skill, they were about evenly matched, but if he meant who I'd rather dance with . . . well, of course it was him. How could I ever want to be this close to anyone but him? How could I ever want anyone's hands on my waist but his, hands that fit so perfectly, as if they were meant to go there?

"Eh," I said, as if it didn't really matter. His face fell slightly, so I continued, "I'd say you have a shade more talent."

Of course he grinned sun at that, my Jacob, who lived to be told he was better than someone at something. He seemed to remember something then, though, and his smile fell.

"What were you talking about?"

"Nothing much," I lied quickly, but I knew Jacob could tell.

"I missed you, you know," Jacob burst out a second later, quiet, but earnestly. "The past few days. A lot."

Why was he telling me this? Did he overhear me and Seth's conversation, and this was his way of letting me know he wouldn't just drop me for another girl? That he wouldn't just forget? But the way this imprint stuff sounded, it didn't seem like he'd have a choice. Not that he'd mind.

The thought of Jacob not caring tore at me worse than the thought of him hating me had.

What else could I say but the truth?

"I missed you too, Jake," I told him, my voice almost a whisper. "So much. I just didn't know what to say and then –"

"I know," he cut me off, pulling me closer. My heart almost stopped when I felt him brush his mouth against my hair. "I know."

Even with the huge height difference and me standing on his feet – it should've been ridiculously awkward – we were comfortable. If Jacob had to have this weird, will-taken-away-from-him, love-at-first-sight wolf thing, why couldn't it be with me? I loved him, and it could be easy, if he wanted it too. I tried not to think about it so my eyes wouldn't tear up.

"You look really pretty tonight," Jacob said a moment later, again a little randomly, with the air of someone saying the first thing that was on their mind without thinking it through. "I haven't really seen you all dressed up before, and I . . . I didn't really notice earlier."

"You look nice too, Jake," I told him, which was nothing but the truth. If he only knew how much. "Better without the bow and jacket."

"Yeah?" He asked, for some reason looking unsure. "Thanks, then, I guess."

There was silence for about three seconds, then Jake said, "Hey, Ness?"

"Yeah?" I asked, and then I almost screamed.

Jake pulled me up his body, so that I was about parallel with where I would be if I was more suited to his height, then he tipped me back. And when I say back, I mean back. I could feel one of his large palms splayed against the small of my back and the other near my neck, like I was a baby and he was supporting my head. He leaned me back until my back would arch no further; my hair brushed the ground.

The music leveled out and it was like he had planned it, but I knew Jacob could never be that organized. He was just that lucky,

I gripped onto his arms with every bit of half-vampire strength I had and I knew it couldn't have been comfortable for him, but his face didn't betray it. My legs natural instincts were to wrap themselves around Jacob, but my mind was in at least enough control to overrule that action. I don't think I'd be able to control myself then, in a position so similar to ever dream I'd ever had.

"Jacob Black," I said in what I hoped to be my most threatening voice, but it came out barely a whisper, too breathless to be intimidating. "Lift me back right now."

"Don't you trust me?" He said, half-mocking, but sadness lurked somewhere in his tone. He let me drop a little further and my leg automatically gripped around his and his body tensed. When he spoke again, his tone was serious, "I would never drop you, Nessie. You know that."

"I know that," I told him, and it was the truth. That was never what I was scared of. But seriously, who honestly enjoyed being hung upside down? "Just let me up, Jacob. Please?"

He did then, arching me slowly back up until I was upright and my face was almost level with his. I gripped Jake's shoulders for support as the blood rushed back into my head, that and his scent overwhelming me. It was the same as always, but . . . stronger now, more . . . potent. There was a second when I thought I might have forgotten how to breathe, but then I remembered.

My eyes focused and desire rushed into every pore of my being, filling me up and swelling my heart. It wasn't just . . . lust, it was love too and it was me and Jacob and we were here at a wedding and I wanted more than anything at that moment for it to have been ours. What I would have given to have become Jacob's wife today, to have him as mine, claim him.

Or better yet, have him claim me.

That was ridiculous and I knew it, but that still didn't stop my body from reacting, or my mouth from sighing slightly as Jacob slid me back down his body and to the ground.

The music stopped.

"Thank you," I said shakily, struggling to keep myself upright on unsteady legs. I couldn't even pretend it had anything to do with just having been almost upside down. "For the dance."

I expected him to scoff or roll his eyes or say thank you, but he just nodded. I don't know why, but I remembered my family just then and my eyes sought each individual out.

They didn't look angry like I thought they would, just a little worried and maybe kind of upset. Even Dad didn't look angry, just kind of . . . sad.

Emmett materialized at my side and Jacob melted away as the next song started.

"Bet you I can dance better than you," he challenged me, his tone exactly the same as when he challenged me to a wrestling match or a hunting spree or a board game or whatever else.

I needed to shake the loose-tightness out of my limbs somehow, and some ridiculous dancing with Uncle Emmett seemed to be the best remedy.

"Bet you can't," I challenged back, offering my hand which he immediately snatched up and pulled me into what, with my luck, turned out to be a fast song.

I danced with Uncle Jasper after that and Grandpa Charlie after that and Dad after that. I tried to make a breakaway a few times, mostly because I really needed to remove my shoes and also really needed to find Seth and his . . . girlfriend? Was that the right word? Even though I'd never met her and he said he's only known her a week, she seemed to be so much more than that. Every time I tried, though, some male member of my family dragged me back onto the dance floor.

I didn't dance with Jacob again, which I wasn't sure if I was thankful for or not. He spent most of the night sitting down with Billy, Quil and Embry in the corner, whispering and laughing and consuming more cake than should be humanly possible.

Then I danced with Alice, then Mom, then Aunt Rose, then little Claire. I decided after that that I was done. I picked up my shoes, which I had lost half way through my involuntary dance spree, and made my way to the first free table I could find. Luckily, it just so happened to be by Mom.

I threw myself down into the seat beside her with a groan and watched as Brady led an uncharacteristically happy-looking Leah out onto the dance floor. I was jealous of my family's vampire ability to go and go without getting tired.

"Having fun?" Mom asked me as Uncle Emmett and Aunt Rosalie tangoed past us with skill that would put most professional dancers to shame.

"I think I'll have more when I can feel my feet again," I joked, just as Jacob let out a loud, barking laugh from across the room. It took a conscious effort not to turn around and look.

"Everything all settled now?" Mom asked me quietly, and I didn't need any more hints to know what she was talking about.

"I think so," I told her, for once not getting angry. I knew concern for my well being was the reason she asked and not nosiness.

"That's good, because I was wondering if you wouldn't mind riding home with Jacob tonight?" Mom asked me then, which was weird.

Why did it matter how I got home tonight? I could run there in ten minutes if I wanted to.

"Sure, I guess. Did you ask Jake?"

"Oh, yes, Jacob knows," Mom said, and for a second, her eyes looked unbearably sad. By the time I looked again, though, it was gone.

"Dad said something about leaving early," I told her, scrutinizing her face for another sign of the sorrow I had momentarily glimpsed. "Do you know why?"

"Oh, that's just because you're supposed to be heading back up the Port Angeles tonight, since you have school tomorrow."

Mom was referring, of course, to the cover story we fed Charlie's friends. It was a lie, and a feeble one at that. If it was so important to keep cover, then why was I leaving with Jacob?

Just then, Dad dropped into the seat next to mine. Emmett followed a moment later with a pretending-to-be-breathless Aunt Rosalie, who was soon followed by Aunt Alice and Uncle Jasper. Apparently, this was a family reunion of sorts.

"Man, I wish I hadn't forgot my fishing hat," Emmett joked loudly, earning him an Infinitely More Scary Aunt Alice glare. "It would've gone so well with the feel of the wedding . . . "

In truth, though, Emmett hadn't actually forgotten his fishing hat. It had been forcibly removed from his head by Jasper and Dad before we got into the car, so Aunt Alice wouldn't see it and turn Emmett into a pile of ashes

"I wish you would have tried it," Alice muttered dangerously as she sat down beside Uncle Jasper.

Emmett muttered something back that sounded suspiciously like "I did", but he was mostly ignored. I glanced back at Aunt Alice to see her reaction, but her eyes were closed and she had a look on her face I had seen many times before.

When she opened her eyes again, she also had a look I had seen before, but not until recently.

"So," she announced and everyone turned to look at her in unison. If it were a movie, there would have been a _dun dun dun_. I was surprised by the normality of the sentence that followed. "Don't you think it's about time to head out?"

What wasn't normal was the reaction. Everyone immediately stood up, quietly but with purpose. I saw from across the room Jacob stood too, head and shoulders taller than anyone else. He touched Billy's shoulder, and Quil and Embry stood and slapped his back quickly, then he made his way towards us.

"We're going to leave now, Renesmee," Mom told me, coming to place a cold arm around my shoulders. "Let's go kiss Charlie goodbye."

I went with her, feeling my family's eyes on our backs and feeling completely confused. We made our way to where Grandpa Charlie was sitting, Grandma Sue strangely absent, and Mom hugged him fiercely as she could dare without breaking him and this aroused my suspicions even further. _What _was going on?

I approached Grandpa Charlie after Mom had moved and hugged him. He gripped me tightly, as if he too realized this wasn't a normal goodbye. What was it then?

"Love you, baby girl," he told me quietly, and then Mom was pulling on my arm, urging me to go.

"Love you too, Grandpa," I said back, not really caring who heard as Mom pulled me away. My eyes felt like they wanted to water up – why? "Congratulations."

Mom pulled me quickly through the small crowd and just before I disappeared through the doors to Charlie's living room, I saw Seth staring curiously after us, standing protectively in front of a small teenage girl with bright red hair.

Before I could realize it, I was standing next to Jasper's black Porsche in Grandpa Charlie's front yard, my entire family surrounding me. Even Grandpa Carlisle and Grandma Esme, who I couldn't even remember seeing for most of the wedding.

"Here, can you take my purse for me," Mom told me, thrusting a small black bag that I knew wasn't hers into my hand. It seemed vaguely familiar, though, and something in my memory flickered. "Don't lose it."

"Okay," I told her, too shocked and confused to really say anything else. I felt the air beside me warm and looked to see Jacob beside me.

"I love you, Renesmee," Mom announced, and gripped me in a hug so fierce it would have broken my bones if I were a normal human. I felt Dad behind me, hugging me too. She pulled away quickly and kissed my locket that I'd had for as long as I could remember, "More than my own life."

Dad pulled me into his chest, too, and then released me. His breath hitched in his throat. Aunt Rosalie broke through the protective circle made by my parents roughly, and pulled me to her breast. If she were human, I would've listened for her heartbeat.

"Oh, Renesmee," she whispered, and her breath hitched too.

Emmett was next, and he snatched me up into his arms and kissed my cheek. Alice grabbed me up as soon as he had set me down and kissed me full on the mouth. Jasper just touched my shoulder quickly, and I felt a surge of overpowering love, not for him, but from him – his love for me.

Grandma Esme kissed both my cheeks and Grandpa Carlisle hugged me, quickly, but slower than the others and whispered something that sounded vaguely like a prayer.

When he released me, I turned around in numb confusion, not-Mom's black bag clutched uselessly in my hand. Everything was moving so quickly, as if time had sped up. Mom had her arms around Jacob's neck, and he gripped her waist, whispering words I couldn't hear. Jacob hugged Dad next, then Alice, then Esme, then Carlisle. Jasper and Emmett clapped his shoulder and then in a move that surprised me even in my whirlwind confusion, Rosalie reached through the crowd and grabbed Jacob into a fierce embrace.

I heard what sounded like Alice whisper "now" and Mom grabbed me in for one more hug and Dad kissed my hair one more time and then I was being shoved into the passengers' side of the Porsche.

We had been outside less than thirty seconds.

Jacob was already in the drivers' side and he cranked the car and the same time the door slammed shut. He pressed his foot to the gas pedal and Grandpa Charlie's house shot out behind us. I scrambled back in the seat, needing for whatever intuitive reason to catch one last look at my family, but the small speck that was the lawn where I stood seconds ago was already empty.

My mind was spinning, my heart pounding faster than it ever had in my life. I opened my mouth, but no sound would come. I watched the speedometer climb higher and higher; when it reached its limit, Jacob cursed loudly, and pushed harder still, but the car, already going a hundred and thirty, did not accelerate.

Something clicked in me when Jacob swerved out onto the highway, going in the opposite direction of home. I managed to find my voice.

"J-Jacob – what's going on?"

He either ignored me or didn't hear me. I turned in my seat to study him as we sped down the road at twice the legal limit. Every single muscle in his body was taut, his face a perfect mask of concentration.

Where time seemed to speed up before, everything slowed down now. My thought process, which was so sluggish before, kicked into over-gear. Something was _wrong_ – but what?

"Jacob!" I said again, this time much louder, though I admit, still shakily. "_What_ are we doing?"

"We're running," he told me tersely, after a moment that felt like decades. He smoothly cut in front of an 18-wheeler, in a move that would have ended in sure catastrophe in normal circumstances.

This sated me for the moment, for whatever reason. At least it seemed to be the truth. It didn't really help with the fear fluttering in my throat, or my heart attempting to beat its way out of my ribcage though. I saw the old, ragged 'Welcome to Forks' sign fly past us.

"Well . . ." I started again, after another moment to collect my thoughts. "When are we coming back?"

The silence swelled, filled the car and pressed back in on us. Rain began to patter against the windshield, whipping louder than it should have because of the speed. Jacob cursed again, and in another move that would have resulted in disaster for another driver, switched off his lights.

He didn't look at me when he said, "We're not."

* * *

**Coming up:**

"Does it matter?" Jacob asked, and I felt him shift his weight until he was more in front of me than beside me.

"Nah, she just looks young is all," he said. Then, "How old are you?"

It took me a second to realize he was addressing me, but by then Jacob had already answered, "She's eighteen."

"Sure she is," he said and grinned to reveal yellow teeth. I was the one who moved this time, shifting until I was almost completely behind Jacob. "That's what they all say - but it don't matter none to me, man. That's your business. Ain't illegal unless you get caught, right?"

Jacob stiffened beside me and I blushed as I realized what he was insinuating.


	10. In Which it's Only Illegal When Caught

**_A/N: _**Hey y'all, it's Monday! Sorry you don't figure out exactly what's going on in this chapter, but you'll probably get enough to piece everything together. Yes, I know, the "guy makes creepy remark and Jacob gets protective" thing is entirely unoriginal and well . . . cliche, but I couldn't resist. I'm trying to incorporate a few overdone ideas into the story and tweak them a little bit and make them more IC so that they're believable. I always feel like I never see Jake and Nessie together exactly the way I want them - if they've got Jake right, they mess Nessie up. Of course, I know it's fiction and that's completely the writers' decision, which is why I decided to write my own.

There will be a little more cursing and the content will slowly get more mature within the next few chapters, though not very graphic. I'm sure you're expecting it since the rating's M, but I just thought I'd warn.

**_Disclaimer: _**I do not own the Twilight universe, the song _Make You Smile_ even though it used to be my ringtone, or any personal experience with California and the distance it takes to drive there from north WA. I googled it though, then cut the time in half to allow for insane speeds, so I hope it's accurate. I also do not own an F key that works properly, which is a huge hinderance and source of irritation for me.

* * *

Chapter Ten: In Which it's Only Illegal if You Get Caught

* * *

_i don't, don't wanna take you home  
__please don't, don't make me sleep alone_

_- plus 44. make you smile_

-

"We're – we're _not_?" I asked, dumbfounded.

Even though my sight was twice as good as a normal humans, the cars and streetlights that zoomed past us were hardly more than blurs. Jacob switched lanes again in order to pass another car that was moving at a reasonable speed.

"I don't think so, Ness."

I had no thoughts. I had no words for this.

"Why, though?" I asked, still trying to make sense of _something_. "Why are we running?"

"Because of those goddamn-king-fucking-bloodsuckers, Nessie!" Jacob shouted, his deep voice reverberating inside the closed car.

I shrunk back in my seat. Jake had never shouted at me before. The shock of him screaming at me blew any thought about what he'd actually said straight out of my mind. He seemed to realize it, because when he turned his head to look at me, the first time since we got in the car minutes ago, his eyes softened. He looked remorseful.

"I'm sorry, Ness," he said sincerely, and reached for my hand. I didn't extend my mine to make it any easier, but I didn't pull away either. I was still pretty taken aback. At everything. "It's not your fault, honey, and I shouldn't have yelled at you like that. Everything's going to be all right, I promise. I'll never let anything happen to you – I've just got to get you out of here as fast as I can."

What was going to happen to me? Get me out of where? Forks? The state? The country? I remembered what he'd shouted at me seconds before with a start, the cursing and tone having taken me off guard before I could absorb the words.

Goddamn-king-fucking-bloodsuckers?

My mind quickly subtracted the curse words and analyzed what was left. King bloodsuckers? Vampires didn't have kings, though, they had . . . the Volturi. Something flickered in my memory, vague and on the edges, something you couldn't believe you had forgotten just as much as you couldn't remember.

"Nessie," Jake said, interrupting my train of thought. "Everything is going to be okay, all right? I promise you. But Ness, this is important: for the next while, you're going to have to obey me. Whatever I tell you to do, you have to do it, quickly, no questions asked."

I could hear the Alpha in his voice and I shivered in pleasure and fear. Pleasure at the security I heard in it, the safety, but fear from the imposing authority. I unexpectedly felt my love for Jake swell.

I nodded my head obediently.

"Okay?" He prompted, more gentle this time, but still with authority.

"Okay," I agreed quietly.

Jacob squeezed my hand once quickly, then returned his hand back to the steering wheel.

Of course I would obey Jacob. Why wouldn't I? I trusted him more than almost any other person in the world. I realized with a stab of guilt that I did trust him more than any person in the world, even my parents. I felt another stab, of pain this time, as I remembered them – when would I see them, my family, again? Would I ever?

I glanced down at my lap, where I still clenched not-Mom's black bag in my right hand. I nearly hit my head on the roof when I jumped with fright as the bag started ringing.

"Answer the phone and put it to my ear," Jacob commanded quickly, and I hurried to obey.

I pulled the small cell phone from the bag as fast as I could and pressed the answer key, scrambling to my knees in my seat in order to easily hold the phone against Jake's ear.

"Yeah?" He barked into the receiver as soon as it made contact with his skin, swerving deftly through a line of cars.

We were in a city now, high-rise buildings visible in the distance. Jacob slowed the car considerably, down to eighty, but groaned as he did so. The voice at the other end was unmistakably Alice, but muffled. The phone's volume was set on low, and I knew a normal human wouldn't have even been able to make out any sound at all, so it was with a slightly grateful air that I leaned closer to Jake in an attempt to hear better.

"Decide to leave the country," Alice's voice ordered, barely intelligible to me.

"Okay," Jake said a heartbeat later.

"No, no," Alice said quickly. "Decide to go to Alaska."

"All right."

"No, that's no good. Colorado."

"Okay."

"No – Las Vegas."

"Okay."

"No . . ." Alice's voice started to sound a little worried. "California. Decide to go to California."

"Done."

There was pause of about five seconds, and I imagined Alice sitting somewhere in a dark corner, trying to see our future. But she could hardly see my future in general, and she couldn't see it at all if I was going to be with Jake. So what was she doing?

"All right, all right," I heard Alice's voice say, visibly relieved. "I can see him. I can see him for about a week."

Jacob exhaled heavily and seemed to sag against his seat for a moment. He straightened himself back up a second later, keeping his body rigid like before, a very wolf-like posture.

"Can you see where he is?"

"No, but I just know that I see him, so he's not where you are. Just keep doing whatever you've decided and I'll call if anything changes."

"Thanks," Jacob said and then I heard the dead air shut off as Alice hung up. I sat back on my heels in my seat, my dress uncomfortably tight around my thighs. I leaned down to put the phone back in the bag, then looked back up at Jacob.

So Alice wasn't searching the future for us, who she knew she would be unable to see. She was searching for the person who was looking for us, because she knew his future would disappear when it mingled with ours. From the way the conversation had sounded, it seemed like we were good for a week, and my heart slowed a little at this.

"So, we're going to California?" I asked, trying to sound a little optimistic for Jake's sake.

He turned his head to look at me quickly, then back at the road. I waited patiently as he spun into an exit and began heading south.

"Looks like it," he said, not exactly pleasantly, but at least without as much tension as earlier.

"Can . . . can you explain everything to me now?" I asked hesitantly, my curiosity getting the best of me. "Or do you want to wait? Or can you tell me at all?"

"Just – just let me concentrate on getting us into California, Ness, okay?" Jake requested and I nodded, understanding. "I'll be able to relax a little then, and I'll explain everything."

We turned back onto the highway and I watched the speedometer slowly creep upward again, until it would go no further. We drove in silence for awhile, and in spite of my mind spinning at top speed, I soon started to get sleepy. No one would disagree that this day was a long one.

I gradually started slumping lower and lower in my seat until my head was leaning on my forearms on the armrest. My legs were splayed uncomfortably in front of me and I could only imagine how Jake must feel, as large as he was, and driving to boot.

"That can't comfortable," Jake said suddenly, breaking the long silence.

"It's not," I mumbled, but honestly, at this point I was beyond caring.

"Crawl in the back. You're short enough that you'll be able to stretch out," he advised me, and I realized I really didn't want to.

It wasn't like you could exactly get far apart when you were both inside a Porsche, but I suddenly dreaded getting any farther away from Jake as I already was.

"Does that count as a command?" I asked, half-teasing, half-serious. I really hoped it didn't.

"No," he said and I was relieved. "Just a suggestion. I don't want to you to get a crick."

"I don't get cricks," I informed him.

"Have you ever slept curled up in the passenger's seat of a Porsche?" He asked me, his tone almost normal.

"No," I conceded, lifting my head lazily until my chin was propped on my forearms. I looked tiredly up at him. "But I really don't want to be back there by myself."

Jake scoffed a little, but then stopped himself. We didn't seem to be going as fast anymore. "You're not by yourself, Ness. It's the back seat of the car, for Christ's sake."

I was too sleepy to care how it sounded when I said, "I don't want to be any farther away from you."

Jacob groaned, but it was a familiar sound. The God-Nessie-you're-irritating sound and not the new, angry Jacob sounds he'd been making since we got in the car. I sat back quickly, despite my sleepiness, when he started shifting a lot more than usual.

He slid as far as his large frame would allow to the right and shifted his weight to that side too, leaning over the armrest and driving with his left hand. He gestured to me with his right.

"What?" I asked him, my tiredness not allowing me to be intelligent or eloquent.

"Come here," he told me, and I understood. "If you're that sleepy, and you're too scared to sit in the back seat by yourself, come here."

I got onto my knees on my seat again and leaned back on my heels. I crawled as far to the left as my seat would allow me to go and hung over the part of the armrest that Jacob wasn't occupying. He wrapped one hot arm around me and pulled me into his side.

I sighed contentedly, all thoughts of imprinting and being chased and everything else gone without a trace. I inhaled deeply and snuggled my face against his body, which was warm even through his dress shirt.

"Thank you," I whispered, then said something I used to say all the time, but hadn't in a while since things had started to get weird: "Love you, Jacob."

I felt Jacob's mouth against my hair as he kissed the top of my head. The last thing I remember hearing before I drifted off into a dreamless sleep was the whir of the Porsche's engine and a quiet, rough, "Love you too, Nessie."

The next thing I remember hearing was the ringing of the cell phone.

"I got it, I got it," I said automatically, shrugging out from under Jacob's arm and sitting upright quickly to search the floorboard for the black bag. My hands fumbled with the zipper and Jacob chuckled. I pulled the phone out tiredly and answered it, pressing it to Jacob's ear and collapsing into his side in the same movement.

"Yeah – is that one okay?" I barely noted Jacob ask into the receiver. "D'you think we'd be good for two nights or just one? Okay, okay. Thanks."

Some vague part of my mind that was reserved for such things noted that the conversation was done and allowed my arm to slide back down Jacob and into his lap. I opened my eyes blearily just long enough to push the end button, and was preparing myself to snuggle back into Jacob's side when the car stopped.

"Are we here?" I asked, unsure exactly what I was saying or where here was supposed to be.

"If by here you mean a crummy hotel just off the California border, then yes, we are here."

Jake nudged me until I sat up again, squinting my eyes against the brightness emitting from the neon-lit hotel office building beside us.

"Come on, Ness, let's get a room and then you can go back to sleep," Jake urged me. Then, when I didn't really respond, "Come on, Nessie, I can't leave you in the car. Let's go."

I felt fresh air fill the car as Jacob got out and walked around to my side and opened the door. He picked the black bag off the floorboard and placed it in my hand. I let Jacob pull me out of the car, and leaned heavily against his side, mumbling, "I don't even have any shoes."

"Are you serious?" He asked, and I vaguely noted him looking down to check my feet. "Well, we'll get you some tomorrow. You're good for now – it's California, nobody wears shoes."

Jacob pulled me closer to his side and slung an arm around me as he kicked shut the car door. I heard the lock beep as he clicked it and I gripped the bag tighter, remembering somehow that it was important but not exactly why.

I woke up a little more as we walked into the bright hotel lobby, but still kept my eyes mostly shut against the light so I wouldn't wake up completely. My brain dragged – how long had we been in the car? Hours? Days? We were in California now, so even at Jake's crazy speeds, we had to have been in the car for at least five hours.

"Yeah, can I get a room for two please?" I heard Jacob ask and I squinted up to see a seedy looking man leaning back in a spinning chair with a bag of cheese puffs.

"Two singles or a double?" The man asked, and it took my still half-asleep brain a second to realize he was talking about beds.

"Two singles," Jake answered, and I felt him rummage for what could only have been his wallet.

"No, Jake," I whispered, but probably not quiet enough, too tired to care about the man behind the counter and what he thought. "I don't want to sleep alone."

"That your girlfriend, man?" The man asked, and generally the question would have thrilled me, but I was tired and I didn't like his tone.

"Does it matter?" Jacob asked, and I felt him shift his weight until he was more in front of me than beside me.

"Nah, she just looks young is all," he said. Then, "How old are you?"

It took me a second to realize he was addressing me, but by then, Jacob had already answered, "She's eighteen."

"Sure she is," he said and grinned to reveal yellow teeth. I was the one who moved this time, shifting until I was almost completely behind Jacob. "That's what they all say – but it don't matter none to me, man. That's your business. Ain't illegal unless you get caught, right?"

I felt Jacob stiffen beside me and then I blushed when I realized what he was insinuating.

"If you give me a room key right now, I'm going to pretend I don't know what you're talking about," Jacob spat through clenched teeth and if I was the man behind the counter I would have been shaking in my boots.

"We only have doubles," the man said, only a little perturbed. He held out a key-card and smiled like he was being nice.

"Yeah," Jacob said, snatching the key-card and throwing a couple of twenties on the counter. "I'm sure that's why you asked which we wanted when we came in."

Jacob pulled me to him again and I felt safe. Not that that ridiculous, disgusting human man could ever hurt me, but it was still nice. As we made our way to the door, I clearly heard the guy mutter, low enough he was sure we wouldn't hear (and if we were normal, we wouldn't have), "Doesn't sound like you're complaining."

Jake made as if he wanted to turn back, but I held him still. The last thing we needed was Jacob to lose his temper and phase or beat the hell out of a seedy hotel owner. I wouldn't really mind the latter if I could be sure he wouldn't get caught, but there were cameras everywhere.

"Come on, Jake, I'm sleepy," I said, which wasn't a lie, although I was much more awake now than when he pulled me from the car. "Let's go."

He submitted to my tugging and led me out to the car and helped me back in, which was nice, but unnecessary. They number on the key was for the first floor, so Jake drove around to the back of the building and followed the numbers on the doors until we spotted ours. Jacob pulled into a parking spot right in front of the window of our room and shut off the engine.

I grabbed the black bag and got out of the car before Jake could make it around to my side, trying not to be a complete burden. Jake slid the key-card into the door and it beeped as the lock slid open. He clicked the car locked before we went inside and shut the door.

I immediately went to the only bed in the room and collapsed, happy both to have a bed and to have gotten my way. Jake and I used to sleep in the same bed together all the time, and I was control of my weird feelings now more than ever, and I really, really didn't want to be alone, so I saw no reason he should have a problem with this. Especially not in the special circumstances.

"Are you hungry?" Jacob asked me, locking the hotel room door and sliding out of his shoes at the same time.

"A little," I answered truthfully. "But I can wait 'til morning. I'm really tired."

I tried to roll on my side to be more comfortable, but the tightness of my dress restricted the movement. I groaned, and in true melodramatic teenager fashion, flailed on the bed.

"What's your problem?" Jacob asked, as I continued to writhe around as though it were going to make the dress less tight and more comfortable.

"My dress is too tight," I complained, doing my best not to whine.

"Oh," Jake said, and then a minute later, "Here."

I looked and he was holding out his white button-down shirt. My eyes moved up the arm holding the shirt and to the torso attached and saw that Jake was wearing a white wife-beater, which was strange. Jacob hardly ever wore clothes, let alone layers, but I guess Aunt Rose and Alice had really gotten to him for that wedding.

My throat constricted and my heart panged as I thought of my family, who I didn't know when I would see again, so I pushed the thought away.

"You can wear this," Jacob said to my questioning look. "It'll be huge on you, so it should cover everything."

"Thanks, Jake," I said, managing a small smile. I might have managed a bigger one, but I had wasted my remaining energy very recently on flailing.

"There's a bathroom in there you can change in – actually wait, let me check it," Jacob said, as he walked to the bathroom in question. I heard him pulling back the shower curtain and open and close what sounded like a creaky mirror. I wasn't sure why, since he would have been able to smell it from a mile away if there was a vampire hiding in the cabinet.

"It's fine," Jacob said a moment later when he emerged. I guess I looked like I didn't understand, which I didn't, because he added, "Cameras. Seedy motels like this . . . just – just go change."

I blushed again with realization as I understood. People really were that disgusting? I tried not to think about hidden cameras or anything like that as I lifted myself heavily to my feet and scuffled to the bathroom.

I changed quickly, leaving my dress hanging on the hook on the back of the door. Jacob's shirt was humongous – it hung literally half way past my knees. I rolled the sleeves about ten times until they were finally suitable. I used the bathroom quickly, washed my hands, and went back into the room.

Jake had grabbed a pillow from the bed and found an extra sheet somewhere and was lying on the floor between the door and the bed. I groaned and threw myself on the bed, crawling to the other side to gaze directly down at him. My hair hung off the side of the bed and into his face and he blew it easily out of the way.

"Get up here, Jake, don't be stupid," I told him, reaching down to pull on his arm and was slightly hurt when he wouldn't budge.

"No, Nessie, you have the bed, I'm fine," he told me staunchly, and I could see that I would be trying to move mountains.

"Listen, Jake: I'm not trying to be nice here," I said roughly, and it was really the truth. "I've just completed a cross-state journey, running from I don't even know what and I might never see my family again and I don't want to be by myself, so _get up here_ or I'm coming down there with you."

"Nessie," Jake groaned, pushing himself up with one arm, "I just don't think it's –"

"Come on," I cut him off, before I had to hear what he was going to say and concede that he was right. "We used to do this all the time before. I promise I'm okay – really, just please come lay with me?"

Maybe something in my tone reassured him, or maybe he just didn't feel like listening to me whine, but what matters was that he got up, pillow in hand, and rolled heavily onto the bed. I smiled at him and he half-smiled back, and held the covers open for me. I crawled in, but he didn't follow and I was too tired and knew better than to argue.

"Go to sleep, Jacob," I mumbled drowsily as I saw him stifle a yawn and stare at the door. Something was chasing us, and that was scary and horrible, but Alice had given us a week and I wanted to _sleep_.

"I will, don't worry," Jake said, sliding an arm under me, allowing me to snuggle up to his warm chest with more ease.

"Go to _sleep_, Jacob," I said again, patting him none-too-softly on the chest.

I laughed when he immediately lapsed into fake-snores, which he couldn't keep up for long, because he cracked up too.

"How can I manage to go to sleep if you won't shut up?" He asked, and had a point. Not a very good one, though.

"You've done it before," I pointed out, already starting to drift away, close enough to sleep that everything started to make sense.

The last thing I remember was Jacob's voice chuckling, the movement rumbling in his chest and feeling nice against my face, and whispering, "Thanks for the shirt."

* * *

**Coming up:**

I don't think Jake caught the last part of my sentence, because as I threw the covers off of me to get up, the strangest thing happened: He inhaled, and then his eyes darkened and widened simultaneously. He looked like someone who had just been whacked hard in the face with a pillow. Not in pain, but shock.

"Jake?" I asked worriedly, jumping off the bed and hurrying to him. His face only got worse as I approached and when I reached up to touch his forehead, he shooed me quickly away with one big hand. "Jake, are you all right?"

He shook his head in a way reminiscent of a dog trying to clear water from his ears and then stared at me for a long moment.

"I, uh . . . I think you need to go take a shower now, Ness," he said, still looking dazed.


	11. In Which There is a Scent Issue

**_A/N: _**Hey guys! Change of plans - I'll be leaving on the 10th, not the first - so that means you'll get two extra updates than I was counting on before I disappear for a few months. So two more weeks before I get to be "randomly selected" every fifteen minutes - yay for racial profiling! **Entice** asked about Nessie having b.o. - hope this clears that up. I'm really interested in how the instinctive, wolf side of Jacob affects him and the other wolves in their human lives so I like to play with that.

Also I've been playing with the idea of writing this story from Jacob's POV (thinking about _Undeniable_ for a title) - would any of you be interested in reading that? I don't want to start with it until I'm nearly finished with _Hands on Me _because I tend to obsess on one project at a time and I don't want to lose my excitement for this story. I'm hoping I'll be able to finish this story and get a start on the next one while I'm gone if I get some positive feedback for it. I've got twenty-four chapters done now with the end nowhere in sight, so I'm afraid this is going to be a long one, dears.

Oh, and I think a fair few of my reviewers aren't American, so this may not be as easy for y'all, but it's worth a shot: dedication in the next chapter to whoever guesses right where Nessie wants to go.

Last thing - well, two things actually. One: _Hands on Me_ has reached 2000 views for the month of March, which is amazing considering it only reached 1000 around chapter eight, I think. And two: not that you care, but I noticed that there are only 16 M-rated Jacob/Nessie storied on FF.n that have more than 40,000 words and _Hands on Me _is one of them? I feel strangely proud of myself.

Thank you infinitely to all my lovely reviewers and my readers. I know there are more of you than you want me to know, my hit count shows that. But I love all of you!

**_Disclaimer_**: I do not own Twilight, or any Fall Out Boy song, although I do have an unhealthy obsession with that band. I _do _own a plane ticket to visit my family though, which I am very excited about.

* * *

Chapter Eleven: In Which There is a Scent Issue

* * *

_and i'm grounding all my dreams of ever really seeing california  
_'_cause you know what's in between us is sensual in such non-conventional ways_

_- fall out boy, homesick at space camp_

_-_

I slept fitfully that night, dreaming of vampires with crimson eyes in dark, hooded cloaks chasing me down abandoned alleyways.

Between the heat from Jacob's body and the two blankets I was sleeping under, I soon grew hot, and even in my subconscious, I knew which of the heat sources I would prefer. Sometime during my sleep I kicked off my blankets and curled on top of them, against Jacob's side. His arm, hotter than usual because it was bare, curled around me and I hooked one leg around his tree trunk-like thigh and slept more peacefully for the rest of the night.

Sometime later I was awoken when I felt my heat source being removed as Jake shifted around me and got up. I grasped out for him, childishly, and he caught my hand in his own and leaned down over me.

"Shh," he whispered, smoothing back my hair, and it was hard not to lull back to sleep to the sound of his voice. "Everything's okay, I'm not going anywhere. I'm just going to take a shower."

I think I made a noise of protest, because then he said soothingly, "It's alright, you're safe here, you sleep – I'm going to leave the door open, so don't come in unless it's an emergency."

Even in my half-conscious state, I blushed. He released my hand and it dropped back uselessly on the bed. I closed my eyes against the brightening of the room when Jacob switched on the bathroom light behind me. I burrowed myself under the covers and buried my face in the pillow he had used, inhaling his scent to distract myself from the sound of his clothes dropping to the floor of the bathroom.

At least I knew what it was now – lust, but did it have to be so hard not to turn around? And what was wrong with me? We were running for our lives from God knows what - which reminded me to ask Jacob about that later, which reminded me in turn where Jacob was now.

I heard the water turn on and the shower curtain be pulled back and I groaned, squeezing my legs together under the blankets and feeling utterly and completely ashamed of myself. I should be worried about my parents, my family – but it hurt to think of them, so I instinctively pushed all thoughts of them away. Why couldn't it be like that with my desire for Jake?

But I couldn't push it away, even when I tried. Part of me suspected I wasn't trying hard enough, because even as I made myself miserable over such thoughts, I still entertained them. Even now I was imagining Jacob in the shower, his skin dark and beautiful and wet against the white tile, his soaking hair clinging to his face, water dripping from it and onto his body and spiraling down, down, down . . .

Lust exploded in me, rising up, and I nearly cried with frustration. My hands seemed to twitch, of their own accord, down my stomach. I groaned again, snatching them back up near my head and shoving them under the pillow. Not _this_ again. What was wrong with me?

I realized with a thud that I didn't have anymore clothes, particularly anymore underwear. I knew Jacob had to take me to get shoes, so it only made sense that we bought a few clothes too, since we had none. I could only hope Jacob decided to do this sooner, rather than later.

I heard the water cut off and the shower curtain slide open and I buried my face so far into the pillow that I could hardly breathe, to avoid temptation. It seemed like it took him twice as long to dress as it had to undress, and I reminded myself that he had to towel off, which didn't exactly help my situation.

I heard Jake's footsteps, light for his size, approach the bed.

"Ness?" He asked quietly. "D'you go back to sleep?"

"No," I said, my voice coming out muffled and strange through the pillow. "Are you dressed?"

He chuckled and I could imagine him running his hand through his wet hair as he did so. I _could_, but I didn't.

"I'm decent, Ness, you can look," he told me.

I glanced up and was devastated by what he called decent. He was dressed in his dress pants from the night before and nothing else. I forced myself with the greatest effort I had ever exerted to keep my eyes on his face when I noticed a drop of water start to slide down his neck towards his chest. Jacob had toweled his hair, but it was still damp, clinging to his face and neck, black against copper against the white of his teeth.

He was perfect.

"You're not," I said, saying the first thing that popped into my mind. "Where's your shirt?"

"You have it," he told me, rolling his eyes. He threw himself down onto the arm chair beside the bed and peeked from the window. I took advantage of his distraction, admiring his chest and stomach, the way the muscles lay under the skin, like –

"No, your other shirt," I said, to distract myself. "The tank top."

I sat up on the bed and Jake looked at me like I had offended him.

"Girls wear tank tops," he informed me incredulously, his eyes wide. "If you're referring to my undershirt, I left it on the floor of the bathroom and it got wet."

"Oh," I said, and leaned back against the headboard.

I took in how Jacob held himself: tightly, much tighter than usual, but not anywhere as near as badly as last night. He was at least joking and acting relatively normal, so I guess we should be fine for now. A week, Alice said.

I remembered with a stab of pain my family, and with another stab of fear the unknown who was chasing us. How long would we do this? For forever? Why couldn't my family come with us too? Surely we would be safer together than apart?

"You need to go ahead and take a shower if you want one," Jacob said after a few minutes, breaking into my train of thought. "The little pixie said we'd be fine, but I wanna go a little deeper into California before we stay anywhere more than one night."

"Jake, can you please tell me what's going on?" I asked, trying not to verge into pleading but preparing to if all other efforts failed.

"After you eat," he told me firmly, and his eyes left no room for argument. "You haven't eaten since yesterday, and you didn't eat at the wedding."

I was surprised he had noticed, but even more surprised that he wasn't on the floor writhing with hunger pains like he usually would have been.

"Aren't you hungry too?" I asked, wrestling to break free of the blankets I had cocooned myself in earlier in my frustration. "You haven't eaten in awhile either."

I don't think Jake caught the last part of my sentence, because as I threw the covers off of me to get up, the strangest thing happened: He inhaled, and then his eyes darkened and widened simultaneously. He looked like someone who had just been whacked hard in the face with a pillow. Not in pain, but shock.

"Jake?" I asked worriedly, jumping off the bed and hurrying to him. His face only got worse as I approached and when I reached up to touch his forehead, he shooed me quickly away with one big hand. "Jake, are you all right?"

He shook his head in a way reminiscent of a dog trying to clear water from his ears and then stared at me for a long moment.

"I, uh . . . I think you need to go take a shower now, Ness," he said, still looking a little dazed.

"I am," I promised, and tried to approach him again, but he shooed me off once more. "But Jake, are you sure you're all right?"

"I'm – I'm fine," he said, too quickly for someone who was fine, and scooted back further in his chair. "Just hurry up, so we can get back on the road."

I shot him one last wary look before I obeyed him and headed towards the bathroom. I was struck with a terrifying thought as I stepped inside. I stuck my head back out, to where Jacob was still sitting, looking strange, and asked nervously, "I, um . . . I don't have to keep the door open, do I?"

"No," he said, a little too loudly. Then, calmer, "I just did that to hear better because you were in here alone."

"Oh," I said once again, touched, then ducked back inside.

I shut the door securely and pulled off Jacob's shirt and set it on the sink next to his "undershirt", which was mildly damp. I turned on the water, stripped out of my bra and panties, and jumped in. By the looks of it, Jacob hadn't used the provided shampoo and conditioner at all, but even so, there still wasn't as much as I would have liked.

There also wasn't as much hot water as I would have liked, but there was enough to get the job done. It was amazing just how much dirt was on my feet. I emerged from the shower fifteen minutes later feeling much more refreshed than I had fifteen minutes before.

I grabbed the two dry towels that were left and as always, wrapped one around my hair and used the other to towel my body. They were small, though, so after I had dried my body, I wrapped the other towel in my hair too, for full coverage. I pulled my bra back on first because it was closest but dropped my panties as soon as I'd picked them up when I caught the scent coming off them – they would be uncomfortable now anyway, and besides, it was dumb to put dirty panties back on after you'd had a shower. My dress was long and tight enough that it wouldn't matter anyway.

I pulled my dress on finally, not exactly enjoying the feeling of confinement as I zip-loc'd myself back into it. I toweled my hair until it was dry enough to not leave waters stains on my dress, then attempted to finger comb it, to no avail.

I looked in the mirror: all traces of last night's make-up and glamorous hairstyle were gone, replaced by regular Nessie. I liked regular Nessie, though, so I didn't mind. I just kind of really wished I had a hair brush. My stomach rumbled loudly as I studied myself and I realized just how hungry I was – Jake must be ten times worse.

I tried not to worry about his strange reaction while I was in the shower, but that was when I had busywork. Now I was just standing here, and worry was creeping back up on me. Was he okay? Was he getting sick? Did werewolves get sick? He never had before.

I decided to try and forget about it for the time being and concentrate on getting some food, so afterwards I could finally get some details. I paused only long enough to drop my panties in the trashcan by the sink and grab Jake's shirts, before I headed back into the room.

Jacob was standing with his back to me, and I admired the broadness of his bare shoulders for a second before I cleared my throat to get his attention. I knew he knew I was there, but for some reason it took the sound for him to look.

"I'm done," I said obviously, walking toward him with his shirts held out before me like a peace offering. "Here's your shirt back. Thanks for letting me wear it – it was really comfortable."

"You're welcome, Ness," he said, taking the shirts from me and setting them on the table beside him where I now noticed an iron was plugged in.

"Are you going to iron them?" I asked with the same enthusiasm I'd had when he taught me how to use the washer.

"Yeah," he said warily, as he sat down and began straightening them out. "Why?"

"Teach me how," I sort-of begged, sitting across from him in the other chair and watching with interest. "I'm the one who wrinkled it up anyway."

Jacob snapped the shirt out in front of him, I guess to help shake out the wrinkles, and he made the strange face again. He set the shirt down.

"All right," he said, getting up and ushering me into his spot. "You do it, and I'll walk you through."

He talked me slowly through the ironing of the shirt from several feet away. After a few minutes, he had, if not a completely wrinkle-free shirt, a shirt much less wrinkled than before. Jake instructed me to iron his tank top too, thinking it would help dry it out a little faster. I did this completely without any further instruction and, to my credit, burned nothing.

I felt strangely accomplished as I handed Jake his freshly ironed "undershirt" and watched him pull it on.

"Thanks, Nessie," he said, and grinned for the first time since everything had went to hell. "This is pretty good for a first timer."

"Yeah?" I asked, still not sure why doing this simple domestic task for Jacob brought me such pleasure. "You probably could do it better, though."

"Probably," Jake said, taking the dress shirt from my hand and instead of pulling it on, placed it on the back of the chair. "But I've done it a hundred times before."

I perched myself on top of the table where I had ironed the shirts and watched Jacob put on his socks and shoes, watched him check his pockets for the car keys, grab the black bag out from under the bed and hand it to me. He offered me a hand to help me jump down, and I took it even though I didn't need it. The very last thing he did before he wrapped an arm protectively around my shoulders and exited the room was pull the white button-up shirt loosely on, leaving it open. He made the strange face again, but quickly brushed it off, then we made our way to the car.

We drove around to the front office and Jacob made me get out of the car again and go with him as he returned the key-card. Thankfully, it was a different seedy looking man that kept his opinions to himself more than his predecessor. Jacob asked a few questions about directions, keeping a protective stance in front of me the whole time. After about five minutes, we were back in the car and on the highway.

"You don't mind eating in the car, do you?" Jake asked me a few minutes later as he pulled off an exit that advertised several fast food restaurants.

"Doesn't matter to me," I said honestly, "I don't even have shoes, so that's probably best."

We decided on a generic looking burger place and Jacob ordered five burgers and five large french fries. The lady in the red shirt and visor stared at us in shock when she saw there were only two of us in the car. She unloaded our two full bags of food and a near gallon size tub of soda for Jacob and a normal sized drink for me down to us with disbelieving eyes.

Jacob paid her and sped away with barely a second glance. I placed my drink in my cup holder and one of Jacob's packages of fries in his, keeping his drink in my seat, wedged between my thigh and the armrest, since it would fit nowhere else.

I unwrapped one of Jacob's burgers for him and handed it to him. I dug into mine as well, helping Jake replenish his food supply in between bites, handing him a burger or changing out his fries as need be. Mom was always paranoid about me distracting Jacob while he was driving, and I guess I was trying to be loyal to her by making sure Jacob didn't try to do too many things at one time while he was driving when she was so far away.

Was she, though? Was she really far away? How far? Was she still in Forks? Somehow I doubted it. It didn't seem like Mom to sit idle while some unseen force chased us around the country.

"You still need shoes, right?" Jacob asked after his second hamburger and third fry. "And we both need clothes."

"Last I checked," I told him around a mouthful of hamburger. "Unless you want to run around in these for the next indefinite period of time."

"Nah, man," Jacob said, shifting in his seat as if I had reminded him exactly how uncomfortable his dress pants were. "I need to get a hold of some sweatpants ASAP."

"I need a hair brush," I informed him.

"I'll see if we can find a mall . . ." He trailed off, slowing down a little to survey road signs.

Something suddenly occurred to me that never had before. And when I say never, I mean never.

"Do we have enough money?" I asked. It didn't seem like the contents of Jacob's wallet were going to last us very long.

He chuckled, an ironic sound. "You haven't looked in the bag Bella gave you yet, have you?"

I blinked. "Well, no . . . I've had a lot on my mind . . ."

"Well, look now."

I obeyed him, grabbing the black purse out of the floorboard and opening it, peering inside for the first time. The cell phone sat at the top, just under the zipper, and right on top of stacks and stacks of money. I pulled one thick bundle out and flipped through it: all hundreds.

I knew my family was rich, but I'd never actually seen this much paper money in one place before.

"Wow," was all I could say.

"That's not all that's in there," Jacob informed me, which piqued my curiosity. At first sight there didn't appear to be much more than a load of money.

I rummaged around in the bag, digging my hands through the bundles of money in search of something else. I found it at the very bottom. My hands closed around something smoother in texture and I made a triumphant sound and pulled, unearthing my find.

It was a couple of U.S. passports, and three IDs. Jacob and I each had a passport, and I had two IDs to Jacob's one. Both Jacob's passport and ID named him as Jacob Wolfe and his age as twenty-seven, which was believable. I picked up the first ID with my picture on it: Vanessa Green, age eighteen. My passport and other ID both had my age as eighteen as well, but the name was different: they both said Vanessa Wolfe.

"Yeah," Jacob said when he saw what I was staring at. "They didn't think you could really pass for twenty-one and some countries don't accept you as a legal adult until then unless you're married . . . and some countries have laws that women can't enter alone without a male relation, and we obviously aren't blood, so . . ."

So . . . Jake and I were going to pretend to be married?

"I mean," he continued, a little nervously. "We shouldn't have to use those unless we leave the country, which it doesn't look like we are, but . . . you know, just in case."

I nodded, unsure about whether I was disappointed or relieved. The idea of others thinking I was Jacob's wife thrilled me, but the thought of him being embarrassed by it or seeing it as a burden tore at my heart. I decided not to think about it since it apparently wasn't going to matter.

"So anyway," Jake said loudly, looking as though he wished he hadn't told me about the IDs. "The guy at the hotel said there's a shopping center down this way where we can get some stuff. I mean, we obviously need clothes, but I don't want to be carrying too much around, if that's all right with you – Nessie?"

I hardly heard him – a large blue and white building that I had only ever seen on television approaching on the right had caught my eye. I read the sign with recognition and excitement flared inside me.

"Oh, Jake," I said, tugging on his arm and pointing towards the sign close ahead. "Can we go shop there? Please, Jacob?"

Jacob looked at the sign and looked back at me like I was insane.

"There?" He asked me incredulously, his eyebrows raised.

"Yes, Jacob, oh please can we go?"

"Are you sure, Nessie?" He asked me again, as if I were suggesting skydiving without a parachute.

"Yes," I told him, nodding eagerly. "I've always wanted to go. Please?"

Jacob made a sound I recognized as the God-Nessie-you're-strange sound; a nicer sound than the God-Nessie-you're-irritating sound, but one that still left something to be desired. He switched his blinker on, though, and watched my excitement grow suspiciously from the corner of his eye as we turned right.

* * *

**Coming up:**

"Feel better?" He asked, looking over at me. When he did, his eyes changed a little, but I wasn't sure exactly how. "You look nice. I like that better than the dress."

"Are you serious?" I asked, surprised.

He ducked his head in a half-nod and I smiled.

"Thanks, then," I said quietly. "I like you better like this too. When it's just Jake."

He shot me his Jacob grin and the sun shone through the dark tint of the Porsche. "Who else would I be?"

"You know, I just meant . . . with the tux and everything, it's better when you're just - "

"I know."


	12. In Which There Are Lemons

**_A/N: _**Okay, so I figured out what I'm gonna do. My last update before my trip will be on the ninth. I'll continue updating like regular until Thursday, the sixth, after which I'll update a chapter a day until the day before I leave, when I'll update twice. This is because I'm shameless and want a chance to read reviews before I leave, and also because I don't like block updating. That'll leave you at chapter eighteen, and without a very big cliffhanger. I still hope you'll all come back.

Moving on, this seriously was not meant to become its own chapter, but I couldn't leave it alone. I was struck with the idea of Nessie wandering, awe-struck around Wal-Mart and Jacob showing her the ropes. I actually had to tone it down, since I was wanting to let her wander through the entire store, messing with everything but I stopped myself. I laughed entirely too much while writing this, so I hope it makes you laugh too, even only a little. Also, again, I know the girl-hits-on-Jake-and-Nessie-gets-jealous thing is overdone, but there's a reason it is, so I hope it doesn't bore you but I really couldn't resist.

**_Disclaimer: _**I do not own Twilight. Neither do I own the song _First Date_, blink-182, or Wal-Mart. I probably should buy stock into it or something though, since I spend so much freaking time there. Oh, but I do own the chapter title, which I found to be witty, even though it is not.

**_Dedication: _**This chapter is dedicated to **Gina.N.B**, **tmkc**, and **no.1twilightluver**, who got it right, in that order. This is also dedicated to anyone who's ever opened boxes of panties in Wal-Mart to see if they'd fit - kindred spirits. ("Nobody cares - just don't let 'em see you.")

* * *

Chapter Twelve: In Which There are Lemons. No, Not That Kind.

* * *

_i really wish it was only me and you  
__i'm jealous of everybody in the room_

_- blink-182, first date_

-

"Remind me again," Jacob told me as he got out of the car, parked directly under the blue and white sign and threw an arm over my shoulder as we began to head inside. "Why, of all the places to shop in California, you decide you want to go here?"

"Because I've never been before," I told him for the second time in as many minutes. I looked around eagerly as we made our way through the parking lot and a middle-aged woman loading a gaggle of children into a minivan shot me a scandalous look when she spotted my bare feet. "I asked Alice to take me once when we were in Port Angeles, but she said no."

"But I still don't understand what's so special about it," he continued, and I was beginning to think he was simply being dense on principle.

"Because it's _normal_, Jake," I said exasperatedly, still surveying my surroundings like a kid in a candy store. "I've been to high-class boutiques and high-end shopping malls, but I've never been anywhere so normal like this – it's where normal people go."

Jake rolled his eyes, but finally stopped questioning me. We followed the crowd through the electric doors and into Wal-Mart.

I kind of just stood there for a second, looking around, and Jacob had to pull me out of the way so people could continue to come in, since I was blocking the door.

"Oh, cool, Jake, look!" I told him, pointing to the long row of about thirty cash registers lining down the rest of the store to our left. Every single one of them was full of people.

I had never been surrounded by so many people in my life. My throat tickled a little unpleasantly, but nothing to worry about. I'd hunted recently and had too firm a grip on right and wrong to ever give in to that urge. My memory flashed and I suddenly understood the look that passed between Grandpa Carlisle and my parents that day in the living room.

"Yeah, cash registers, Ness. Big whoop," Jake said, but he was trying to keep from smiling.

"I know what they are, stupid, but look how many!" I said, shrugging out from under his heavy arm and taking his hand instead so I could pull him along in the direction I wanted. "And do you know, that they have everything here, in one place? Like clothes and food and furniture and electronics and house appliances and plants and everything all together! You don't even have to go anywhere else! How cool is that?"

Jacob laughed, but submitted easily enough to my tugging as I dragged him to the closest section, which happened to be produce.

"Have you seriously never been to a Wal-Mart before?" He asked. "How is that possible?"

"Alice never let me. She said it was too low class – and besides," I told him as I dragged him through the aisles of produce, studying everything. "You're always with me, you know where I've been and where I haven't."

"I guess you're right," Jake said a second later, after he'd had time to think about it. "I just automatically assumed that everyone's been to a Wal-Mart before . . . more than they'd ever want, really . . ."

"What d'you mean, more than they'd ever want?" I asked incredulously. "How could anybody ever get tired of this place?"

"Because they're here all the time, Ness, and it's crowded. You're just excited because it's new to you. On a similar note, are you planning on wearing that lemon?"

I blushed and put back down the lemon I had been examining. Maybe I was getting a little too carried away – but who wouldn't?

"Fine," I said, dragging him to the right. "Let's go find the clothes, then."

I was forced to stop when Jacob wouldn't cooperate and I ran out of arm. I was jerked back and the black bag swung wildly in my clenched hand.

"Clothes aren't that way," he informed me, looking smug.

"Where are they, then?" I asked imperiously, and more than a little embarrassed. "And how would you know?"

"One, because refrigerated stuff is always along the wall, and we're in the food section, so that only makes sense; and two, because pretty much every Wal-Mart is laid out the same."

"Are you serious?" I asked, following when Jacob started to lead me back toward the left and past the long row of cash registers. "They're all exactly the same?"

"No, not exactly," Jacob said, slowing down when he realized he was forcing me to jog to keep up. "But pretty similar, and I'm sure some are laid out different from others, but once you've seen a couple, it's not exactly hard to navigate."

He halted right in front of a large square of the store that was dedicated to clothes. Women's, judging by the vast amounts of pink; I did my best not to cringe, not wanting the overload of my least favorite color to ruin my shopping experience.

"So, we're shopping for me first?" I asked, forced to look directly up to look Jake in the face.

"Sure, sure," Jake said, gesturing towards the racks and racks of clothes. "Knock yourself out."

Alice's closet aside, I don't think I'd ever seen so many clothes in one place before. All her favorite little boutiques always had a total of about twelve outfits on display, so I could never understand how she spent hours in each shop. It would literally take hours to sort through all these clothes.

All the clothes around me looked distinctly matronly, so I started looking for what I believed would be called the Juniors section. I saw a cluster of teenage girls several yards away and decided that would be my best bet. I headed towards them, hearing Jacob's footsteps shadowing me as I went.

They were standing around a rack filled with bikinis, which I was obviously not in search of, but they helped me find what I was: a large shelf filled with square holes, each hole holding a different style of t-shirt. There was a row of mannequin torsos on top of the shelf, modeling several of the available designs.

I did my best not to squeal with excitement. The only t-shirts I'd been allowed to have at home were expensive and designer and not at all as comfortable looking as these.

The first one I grabbed was white and soft with a faded picture of Mickey Mouse on the front, but it was entirely too big for me, so I had to search through the pile of identical shirts for my size. My jaw dropped open when I saw the price sticker on the front of the shirt – it was seriously that cheap? Alice never bought an item of clothing that cost less than fifty dollars. This unfortunately counted for undergarments as well.

I found an extra-small that looked like it would fit, but I would have to try it on to make sure. This place had everything – they had to have a dressing room. I quickly found about five other shirts that I really liked and then turned back around to face Jacob. He was staring at me with amused eyes.

"Is this too much?" I asked, since Jacob had said he didn't want to be carrying too much around.

He shook his head. "Nah – how many you got?"

I counted six.

"Yeah, that's fine, and your clothes are small anyway. Get one more," he advised me. "That way we'll only have to wash clothes once a week."

I turned back to the high shelf and immediately saw the one I wanted. At the very top. I could easily have jumped and gotten it myself, but there were too many humans around. The group of teenage girls, in fact, had stopped their conversation to listen to me and Jacob's exchange.

I turned back to Jacob and gave him my pretty please eyes. He half-groaned, half-laughed. "Which one is it?"

I pointed it out to him and he reached up easily and brought the entire stack down. There was a murmur of approval from the girls behind us that I tried my best to ignore.

"Which size?" He asked, the stack of t-shirts fitting easily in one of his large hands.

"Extra small."

There was a sound of disapproval at my words, followed by another appreciative sound as Jacob placed the shirts easily back after he had extracted one for me. I reached to take it from him, but he shook his head and gestured for me to give him the ones in my hand.

"I'll hold them," he told me. "You've still got to find pants and stuff."

And stuff was right. I needed panties and bras too. I doubted Jacob would leave me alone long enough for me to find them by myself, especially in present circumstances. This would be interesting.

And by interesting, I meant terrifying and horrible.

I decided I would only need about three pairs of pants if we were going to be washing clothes once a week, but I wasn't sure on my size, so I ended up with about six different pairs that I needed to try on. Finding pants took much less time than I thought it would, and now I was out of excuses. Jacob was now balancing all my clothes easily on one arm and looking at me expectantly.

"Anything else?"

"Um . . ." I stalled eloquently, as I tried to think of the best way to do this. "I still need . . . some other stuff. Do you want me to just go and get it really fast, or . . . ?"

"Nah-uh, no way," Jake replied quickly, dashing my hopes. "You're not getting out of my sight – actually, out of arms reach is more like it. What do you need?"

"Underwear and stuff," I mumbled, trying not to glance towards the lingerie section that I'd already spied and had been eyeing for the past ten minutes.

I thought Jacob might have turned a little pink, but if he did, he shook it off quickly.

"Sorry," he told me. "I'll turn my head or whatever you want, Nessie, but I'm not letting you go anywhere alone."

"Fine," I mumbled, stalking as far ahead as I figured I would be allowed to manage towards the underwear.

Jacob stood at the end of the aisle with his back turned, leaning against the shelf, which I appreciated. Didn't keep me from blushing, though. It was just weird . . . shopping for panties and bras with Jake standing right there . . . I understood where he was coming from though. He was just trying to keep me safe, after all. I tried to imagine a vampire sneaking around the panty aisle in bright, florescent-lit Wal-Mart and the image was almost comical. I snorted a little, causing Jacob to ask, "What?"

"Nothing," I told him quickly, grabbing a few bras that looked around my size and hanging them on my arm. These were one thing I would not be giving to Jake to hold, no matter what.

I looked around and was drawn to a shelf that was full of small hanging plastic packages. I looked closer to discover that they were underwear, five pairs of similar colors or designs all packaged together, so you didn't have to buy them separately. I thought they were cute – none of the lingerie boutiques I had ever been to with Alice had anything like this.

I quickly found a package with a design I liked but was stumped when it came to size. I didn't know what size underwear I wore – small, I'd venture, but these were number sizes. I found the smallest size I could in the design I wanted, but still was unsure if they'd fit. I definitely didn't want to end up with giant or too-tiny panties. I tried to estimate from the size they were when rolled up, but it was impossible.

I must have groaned in frustration because, once again, Jake asked, "What?"

"Nothing."

I guess this time I must have been less convincing than before, because then he said, "If you don't tell me, I'm going to turn around and see for myself."

I wasted a glare he would not see on his turned back before I conceded and told him, "These are packaged up, and I don't know what size I am, so I don't know if they'll fit."

Without missing a beat, he said, "Well, open them up and see."

I shot a scandalized look at his back that, again, was wasted because he could not see. "You can't do that!"

"Of course you can," he said simply, reaching his hand that was not full of clothes back towards me and waggling his fingers. "Nobody cares. Hand them here."

I agonized over the decision for a second before I handed the package over. I needed to see how big they were, so I would let Jacob open them, and then he could get shouted at when he was caught.

He must have only had them in his hands for about five seconds before his arm reached back out to me, the package helpfully open.

"Thank you," I said reluctantly, taking it back from his hand.

I glanced around cautiously to make sure no salesperson was around, but the only people I saw were the teenage girls from before a few feet away, looking over some panties that seemed too small and skimpy to deserve the word. I pulled the top pair out of the package and shook them out, glad then that I'd listened to Jake when I saw that they were too big.

I wasn't going to vandalize anymore store merchandise, though, so I found two of the cutest packs they had in the next size down and then told Jake I was ready to go. He made a bit of a show of attempting to walk with his eyes closed for a few seconds until I kicked at him, tripping him up.

"Oh – so I can look now?" He asked, peeking one eye half open.

"Yeah, I guess so. Come on, stupid, let's go find a dressing room."

I used the word 'find' loosely, since I already knew where the dressing rooms were, right around the corner. I looked around for a salesperson to assist us, and Jacob, guessing what I was doing, laughed.

"This is Wal-Mart, honey," he told me, "You help yourself."

I stuck my tongue out at him, but made my way to the dressing room anyway. Jacob helped me unload my stuff into the small room, then stepped back out so I could shut the door. He didn't leave, but stood leaning against the wall, his back facing the door. It was a good thing he was turned that way too, since with his height he could just look over the dressing room door and see inside if he wanted to.

I knew he wouldn't, though. Jacob wasn't disgusting like those creepy motel people who hid cameras in bathrooms. Besides, what would he want to see me for?

I blushed at the realization that I was disappointed by this as I shimmied out of my dress. I _wanted _Jake to want to see me – was that weird? I mean, don't get me wrong, I didn't want him peeking over the dressing room door, but the thought of him thinking about me like I thought about him, however far-fetched it may be, sent shivers down my spine.

I decided that that train of thought would get me nowhere but upset, so I derailed it quickly.

Since I had already decided to buy the panties that I had, and I wasn't about to try on pants that weren't my own yet without them on, I opened one of the packages I had. I tried to do it as discreetly as I could, so I would be able to close it back without anyone noticing. I pulled the top pair out and slid them on, glad to see they fit.

I pulled on the first pair of jeans to find they were too big, and the second too small. The third fit all right, but were entirely too long, so those went in the 'no' pile as well. The last three fit really well, though, probably because they were all from the same company. It worked out for the best, since the three that fit were each different colors: one black, one dark blue, and one light.

I kept the last pair of jeans I tried on as I tried bras, a little iffy at the thought since I wasn't sure how many people had tried them on before me. I needed to know if they were my size, though, so I had no choice. Two fit within reason, and two didn't, so I cut my losses and threw the bras into their respective piles.

As I was pulling the bra I currently owned back on, I heard the twittering of the girls from earlier grow closer and I felt unease tighten in the pit of my stomach. I remembered the sounds they had made and the looks on their faces when they had seen Jacob – my Jacob. I had to remind myself that he wasn't really mine at all, but couldn't I at least pretend? At least for now, while we were doing this whole running thing – couldn't he be just mine until that was over?

The giggling increased as I heard the girls move into the next dressing room and there was much ado about some bikini or another and how much Paul would like it and how Steven would be so jealous and Stephanie would wish she had never not invited her to her pool party. I felt a little better that they seemed to have other things on their mind now besides Jacob, inane though they may be.

But what if Jacob liked one of _them_? Several of them were really pretty and a few were maybe even older than me. He wouldn't try and talk to them, though, would he? Not now? I remembered then that he wouldn't – Jake would know immediately when he saw the person he was meant to be with.

I pulled the Mickey Mouse t-shirt over my head and was only slightly relieved when I saw it fit. I would've been happier, but my thoughts had ruined my attitude. I yanked it back over my head and pulled another one on, taking much longer than was necessary for whatever reason. I didn't want to go back out there and have to face Jake while I was feeling so miserable.

I heard the dressing room next to me open and someone emerge.

"Do you like it?" The girl asked, and she was met by _ooh_s and _aah_s from who I assume were her friends. And then, "I think it's a little small. What do _you _think?"

There was a few seconds of silence, followed by Jacob's voice saying, "Uh . . . me?"

"Well, you are a guy," said the girl, most likely the same one from before, but they all sounded the same to me. "What do you think? Does it look nice?"

I imagined her standing there, blonde and human and perfect in her tiny bikini, looking up at Jacob and rage ran hot in my veins. It was quickly followed up by insecurity, though, and a little hurt that dashed the rage right out.

"I, uh – I guess so," I heard Jake say, not nervously, but as though he didn't really care. I immediately felt a little better.

There was a knock on my door. "You 'bout ready, Ness?"

"Um – yeah!" I called back, my voice coming out strange. "Just a second!"

It was as I pulled the third shirt over my head that I realized that they were all exactly the same shirt, in different patterns, and there was really no need to try more than one on. I'd been too wrapped up in my thoughts to notice before. I quickly took off the jeans and pulled my dress back on, flinging the door open when I was done.

I emerged to see Jacob waiting expectantly and the group of girls giving me venomous glares I really didn't understand. I knew why I didn't like them, but why didn't they like me?

"What do I do with the clothes I don't want?" I asked Jacob, who then gestured to a rack a few feet away, half full with a various assortment of clothes. I added the jeans that didn't fit to the rack, and doing my best to avoid Jacob's gaze when I did so, the bras as well. "Is there like a basket or anything to carry the ones I do want in?"

As if he had anticipated the question, or maybe just the necessity, Jacob stepped out of the dressing area and out of my sight for about half a heartbeat before he was back, pulling a metal shopping cart.

"Are we going to get that much stuff?" I asked, taking in the size of the thing.

"No," he told me, as I began to place my stuff inside. I surreptitiously slid the bras and panties in under the jeans, so I wouldn't blush again. "But it was either that or we both carry a basket in each hand, so I thought this was preferable."

I couldn't help but grin at him as I dropped my stack of t-shirts into the cart, the last of my stuff.

"Okay," I said, "So, what now?"

"Well, I still need clothes. You need shoes, and I could do with another pair myself – and didn't you say something about a hairbrush?"

"Yes, please," I said, sighing as I imagined what monstrosity my hair must look like at the moment.

I took the black bag back from Jacob, since he'd held it while I changed and I followed him as he pushed the cart away and towards the men's clothes. I did my best not to glance back at the girls as we walked away, looking down at my feet instead. I realized how dirty they had become already from walking on a floor that got so much traffic.

"Wow, look how dirty my feet are," I said to Jake, lifting one foot to show him.

He chuckled at me hopping along on one foot for a second, then said, "You wanna get in?"

"Where?" I asked, puzzled.

"Here," he told me, pointing to the inside of the back of the cart.

"I'm not a child, Jacob," I said, rolling my eyes. The only people I'd seen riding in the backs of the shopping carts thus far had been children. I followed this by my favorite thing to say: "I'm sixteen."

"No, you're not," Jacob said, his perpetual answer to this statement, the wedding being an exception. He lowered his voice. "You're seven."

"You _know _what I mean."

"Actually, I don't think I do," he told me, shrugging his broad shoulders. "I rode in the back of the cart when I was seven."

"Still, I think I'll pass," I said, faux-graciously as we arrived at the men's section, which I noted was significantly smaller than the women's.

The rest of the shopping trip went smoothly, without any distractions or interruptions. Jacob had a hard time finding pants that fit, but we found several pairs of sweatpants and two pairs of jeans that would do. Jake let me pick out his t-shirts, since he didn't really care, which was fun for me and gave me a legitimate reason to imagine Jacob in the different shirts without feeling perverted.

We both found shoes and socks with relative ease, though Jake didn't have as many options as me since he was giant; I got a pair of pajamas too and tried to find some for Jake but he scoffed and told me men didn't wear pajamas, so he went without. We also bought toothbrushes and toothpaste, deodorant for Jacob and a hairbrush that was technically for me, but would probably be used by us both. I also made sure I bought a package of hair elastics, which would benefit us both as well.

The last thing we added to our cart before we went to check out were two large backpacks to carry everything in. I didn't think it all would fit, but Jacob assured me it would.

I leaned exhaustedly against Jacob as we waited in a line that never seemed to move and I think was beginning to understand how people got sick of this place after a while. Jacob laughed at my weariness, saying unsympathetically, "Hey – you were the one who wanted to come to Wal-Mart."

"No, this is better," I told him honestly. "At least we got everything done in one place."

After what felt like years we had successfully purchased everything and were back at the car. I helped Jacob arrange everything: sort out each other's clothes, pulling off tags and opening things, folding everything neatly together to fit in the backpacks.

Jacob set aside a pair of sweatpants, a white t-shirt, a pair of socks and his shoes from the things he packed into his bag and I looked at him questioningly.

"You can stay in that dress if you want," he told me. "It's pretty and all, and it might be comfortable, though judging by the fit you pitched last night, I don't think it is – but I'm getting out of these clothes."

"Where're you going to change?"

"In the car," he told me. "The tint's dark, and no one's trying to look at me anyway."

I turned my head so Jacob wouldn't see my blush as I thought about how wrong he was. _I_ definitely would like to look at him, and judging by their actions, so would those girls from the dressing room. I pushed the thought away, before my mood got any worse.

Jacob shot me a smug look as his backpack zipped cleanly shut, happy as always to be right about something.

I decided I needed to change too, since this dress was far from comfortable – at least I had underwear now. The saleslady had noticed there was a pair missing and asked if we still wanted them; Jacob looked at me strangely from the corner of his eye, but mostly ignored it, and for that I was grateful.

I pulled out the black pair of jeans and the Mickey Mouse t-shirt, since it was my favorite. I dug out the hairbrush and one of the hair ties as well as Jacob opened the back door and slid in.

"Listen, now," he told me seriously before he shut the door. "Lean with your back against the door and your hand on the handle and don't move until I'm back out, all right?"

"All right," I told him, doing my best to be compliant even though I thought he was going overboard. "I'm not going anywhere, Jake."

I did as he instructed, doing math in my head to keep my thoughts from wandering to Jacob. They still went though, on their own, and I couldn't help but picture his large body trying to change clothes inside such a small car . . .

My thoughts were interrupted as Jake emerged, winning the award for fastest clothes change for a six-foot-seven werewolf in a tiny Porsche.

"Everything okay?" He asked as he emerged, as though he couldn't see and hear everything anyway with his supersonic senses.

"Yep," I assured him, throwing my clothes into the backseat and sliding in as he moved out of the way. "No kidnappings or anything."

Jacob's face unexpectedly changed at my words, his mouth twisting and his eyes darkening, different from the way they had darkened this morning in the hotel.

"Are you okay?" I asked hurriedly at his reaction.

He shook it off quickly. "Yeah, yeah – just change so we can get on the road."

He shut the door and I threw the black bag from my shoulders and into the passenger side floorboard. I changed as quickly as possible, reveling in the comfort of cotton and denim compared with skin-tight satin. I crawled from the back into my seat when I was done and knocked on the window.

"Done?" Jake's voice asked from somewhere behind the car.

I called back in the affirmative, snagging the hairbrush through my hair with relief as Jake loaded what could only be our bags into the trunk and slammed it shut. My hair was half-decent by the time he had pushed the shopping cart, now full of our empty plastic bags, out of the way and got into the car. I pulled it back into a loose bun as he cranked the engine and pulled smoothly out of the parking lot.

"Feel better?" He asked, looking over at me. When he did, his eyes changed a little, but I wasn't sure exactly how. "You look nice. I like that better than the dress."

"Are you serious?" I asked, surprised.

He ducked his head in a half-nod and I smiled.

"Thanks, then," I said quietly. "I like you better like this too. When it's just Jake."

He shot me his Jacob grin and the sun shone through the dark tint of the Porsche. "Who else would I be?"

"You know, I just meant . . . with the tux and everything, it's better when you're just –"

"I know."

We were back on the highway now, but Jacob was driving at a relatively reasonable speed so I guess he wasn't as worried as before. Even though, I still didn't know much more now as when I did when we left Forks.

"Jake?" I asked, still wondering how to broach this.

"Hm?"

"We've eaten, and we've got clothes and we're going to be in the car for a while, right?"

"I guess so."

"So can you please tell me what's going on now?" I asked, my voice coming out in almost a whisper. "What – _who_ is chasing us?"

* * *

**Coming up:**

The shaking stopped.

Jake's hot hand ran upward from its place, pressed against my heart, to the side of my neck, his long fingers curling around to the back. His hand caught in a spiral of hair that had escaped from my bun, and I felt his fingers play with it. I sighed and tried to fight back the desire rising up in me; now was not the time for this, not when Jake was so upset. What was wrong with me?

"Don't be afraid," he said hoarsely after a few moments, and my train of thought was so scattered by his touch that for a second I thought he was talking about something else entirely. "I don't want you to ever be afraid with me."


	13. In Which They Have Nahuel

**_A/N:_** Kay, so here's your newest installment of _Hands on Me_ - I hope y'all like it. It answers a few questions and there's a little Jake/Nessie action, which I'm sure you all were waiting for. I've noticed my A/N's have been consistently growing, so I'll try to keep this short: I hope you like this chapter and think it's IC, let me know if it's not. Feedback, as always, is appreciated.

**_Disclaimer:_** I do not own Twilight, any Shakira songs, or anything besides the chapter title. Although, according to my spell-check 'dumbed' is not a word, so I might own that.

* * *

Chapter Thirteen: In Which They Have Nahuel

* * *

_and you accept me like nobody  
__and i will always love you baby, with eyes closed_

_- shakira, something_

-

Jacob exhaled heavily and raked his hand through his hair with more ferocity than was strictly necessary. I felt bad for the steering wheel when he returned his hand to it, gripping it tightly.

"Jake?" I tried again, tentatively. "What are we running from?"

"Don't – I don't want you to worry, okay?" He said seriously, looking me straight in the eye. "I'll never let anything happen to you, Nessie, I swear. You're going to be fine, do you hear me?"

"I – I know, Jake," I stuttered, his reaction worrying me worse than anything. "I know I'm safe with you. I trust you, just – just _tell _me."

He nodded his head several times at my words, as though he were trying to convince himself of something.

"You know, the – the . . . damn it, I forgot the name –"

I said lightly, in an attempt to ease the tension in the situation, "The goddamn-king-fucking-bloodsuckers?"

Jacob turned to stare at me, eyes wide, as though he didn't believe the words that had come out of my mouth. I blushed without meaning to. Like I ever meant to.

"What did you just say?"

"That's what you called them," I said defensively. "Last night. After – after the wedding."

Was it only last night? It felt like days.

His brow became quizzical for a moment before it smoothed in understanding.

"I'm – I'm sorry, Nessie," he said, reaching for my hand, which I let him take. "I didn't mean to scream at you, I just had to get you _out_, I had to get you away and all I could think of was –"

"But get me away from what, though?" I interrupted, my impatience getting the best of me. "You said king bloodsucker, but vampires don't have kings, Jacob. The only thing they have is the Volturi."

At the word 'Volturi', Jacob squeezed my hand hard and looked like he wanted to spit and I knew I had found it.

"The Volturi?" I asked incredulously. "Someone from the Volturi is chasing us?"

He just nodded his head tightly, and kept his eyes on the road. He gripped my hand more firmly, though, his big palm swallowing my whole hand entirely.

"What – what do they want? Is everyone else running too? Why aren't we together?"

"No," Jacob said, and at first I was unsure which question he was answering. "We're the only ones running – they, they don't want everyone."

My heart thudded in my chest and I knew Jacob could hear it. I had a hunch, a feeling, deep in my gut, but it couldn't be right. It didn't make any sense. Why would they want . . .

"Who do they want?"

His silence was my answer.

My heart stopped then, for a split second, and Jacob's gaze snapped to me.

The Volturi wanted me? Why? Why was I special? If they needed to see me about something, whatever it could possibly be, couldn't they just invite me to Italy? That seemed to be how it worked, and I would have gone (not that I would have had a choice if the Volturi had invited me), so why all of this? What had I done? I didn't know much about the Volturi – my family didn't like to talk about them for some reason – but I knew enough.

I had a hundred questions, a thousand even, but I could only manage one word.

"W-why?"

"Nessie, look at me," Jacob said in his Alpha voice, authoritative and serious and I honestly had no choice but to look straight into his eyes. "I'm going to tell you, but you have to listen to me and believe me – _nothing is going to happen to you_. I would die first, before I let anything happen to you, do you understand?"

My heart lodged excruciatingly in my throat as Jacob spoke of dying. It was impossible – no one was going to die, especially not Jacob. He couldn't. He _wouldn't_. I had to make a conscious effort to keep from hyperventilating.

And this assuring me of my safety repeatedly was only serving to make me more worried, and I still understood _nothing_.

"Now that you're fully developed . . . they want to . . . _experiment_," he spat the word like an obscenity, "with you."

I wasn't sure what my face looked like, but Jacob's looked like he wanted to vomit or phase, either one. His shape wasn't blurring, but he had that look.

"Wh – how?" I asked, still unable to form full sentences. "Experiment with me how?"

What he said next literally knocked the breath out of me.

"They have Nahuel."

It was like there was ice in my lungs – I couldn't breathe. Nahuel, the only other person I had ever met who was just like me. Nahuel, someone who I considered my friend, who visited me every year and was trying to learn how to live vegetarian like my family. Nahuel, who – who –

The air rushed back into my lungs with the realization. They have Nahuel and they want me and _now that I'm fully developed _they want to _experiment_. Oh, God. Oh,_ God._ And now they were chasing me for capture and Jacob was torn away from his life to run with me and everything was so, so wrong on so many different levels.

I had to hear it, though. I wouldn't believe it until I heard it. No one could be that _sick_, that heartless.

"What do they want to do with us, Jacob?" I asked, surprised when my voice didn't even shake.

Jacob shook his head, like he was trying to shake out a thought or an image.

"I – I can't say it, Nessie, don't ask me to –"

"Tell me, Jacob," I demanded. "I have a right to know. Tell me what they want to do to me!"

Jacob took his hand back and gripped the steering wheel tighter than before, his whole body tensing, his face contorting with rage or grief. I couldn't look at him like that, didn't want to cause him pain – but I had to _know_.

"They . . . they want to see if you're . . . fertile," Jacob got out finally, nearly panting with the effort. "They want to see what would happen if they – _mated_ two half-vampires together, what – what would happen."

"And?" I asked, knowing there was more, that there had to be more. You didn't just get that sick and then stop.

"And with a human, and a – a vampire."

"Why do they want to see?" I demanded, needing to know all the details before I gave myself over fully to revulsion and disgust. "It's not just curiosity, Jacob, there has to be a reason."

"No," Jacob said firmly.

"What do you mean?"

"No," he said again. "I can't talk to you about this anymore, Nessie, it's driving me insane – every time I think about those _fucking_ bloodsuckers and . . . and what they want to do with you, I want to lose it. I can't think about anybody hurting you, Ness, I won't. I'll fucking kill every single goddamn one of them before they touch you."

It wasn't just the words that dumbed me into silence: it was the tone. It was the fierce, protective look on his face and the way he said it and I had never been so in love or so afraid or so confused in my life.

"If you want to ask about what we're doing or how we found out or anything like that, I'll talk to you, but not about this. Not about those goddamn bloodsuckers wanting to lay hands on you, to t –"

The car had sped up during our conversation, Jacob's anger apparently making his foot heavy. He closed his eyes despite the fact that he was driving and gripped the steering wheel even tighter, something that sounded like a growl low in his throat, his shape beginning to blur –

"Okay, Jacob, okay," I said hurriedly, climbing quickly to my knees with my hands outstretched to touch him. I had to calm him down – if he phased in the car – "Everything's going to be all right, don't get so upset."

The blurring calmed a little but he was still shaking when he looked at me, his eyes black. I reached out and brushed back his hair, something my family always did for me when I was upset and it usually helped. I let my hand slide down his neck and shoulder, rubbing his arm as soothingly as I could manage.

"You said it yourself: nothing's going to happen to me. You have to calm down, Jake."

He looked at me for a long moment, his eyes softening after a second, though his face stayed hard. I leaned forward and hugged his neck, pressing my cheek against his. It felt like home.

"I can't think about it, Ness," he said again, and I felt his voice rumble against my ear. He was still shaking with the effort it took him not to phase. "I want to fucking kill somebody every time I think about it."

I could feel the anger building in him, getting worse. Jacob had to calm down; if he phased now, it would tear the car apart. We would mostly go unharmed, but I couldn't say the same for the people in the cars surrounding us.

His skin grew, if possible, even hotter and the muscles in his arms and back tensed, like they were preparing for a change, a transformation.

"Pull over, Jacob," I said, quietly but firmly in his ear. "Pull over now. Stop the car and calm down. You have to calm down. Please."

He seemed to have heard me, because the car slowed a little, and I could feel us veering instead of going straight. I didn't want to chance taking my hands off Jacob, since I knew the only thing keeping him from phasing right now was my proximity and his fear of hurting me.

Jacob was still shaking when the car smoothly slid to a stop, and he cut the engine. He immediately cranked the chair back and collapsed into it, covering his face with his huge hands. I tried to pull his hands away from his face, but even with my extra strength, I couldn't. I settled for rubbing his hands gently, silently asking him to lower them.

"It's all right, Jake," I almost-whispered, half hanging over into his seat so I could face him. "Everything's fine, you even said it. Nothing's going to hurt me. I know you won't let that happen – I trust you, Jake."

He didn't act like he heard me, and as much as he was carrying on about being unable to think about something happening to me, I knew that was exactly was he was doing. He was imagining the worst horrors possible, having to face my parents if he failed – and . . . lost me? Did Jacob really love me that much that simply the thought of losing me could reduce him to this?

I checked myself for a second before I decided it didn't really make a difference now, and crawled over the armrest and into Jacob's lap. This was another thing we used to do before but hadn't in awhile; I settled myself across his legs with my back against the door. Jake jumped with a start and dropped his hands as he felt the extra weight, but the shaking slowed almost completely. I knew he would force himself into control with me so close now, closer even than before.

He looked at me, surprise bringing him back down a little further. I leaned forward into his chest and pillowed my head against his shoulder, looking up at him.

"See," I told him, taking one of his large hands and pressing it against my chest, above my breast, so he could feel my heartbeat. I knew he could hear it anyway, but I thought it might help drive the point home. "I'm here, I'm fine. I'm with you – I know I'm safe with you."

"Nessie, I –"

"I know and I'm sorry," I cut him off quickly. "I shouldn't have pushed you like that, and I didn't know it – it . . . upset you that much to think about it. It doesn't matter what they want, because they're not going to get to me. I know that. I was just – afraid at first, but I'm not anymore. Don't think about it, Jake, if it makes you feel that bad. Don't torture yourself; I don't want to see it."

The shaking stopped.

Jake's hot hand ran upward from its place, pressed against my heart, to the side of my neck, his long fingers curling around to the back. His hand caught in a spiral of hair that had escaped from my bun and I felt his fingers play with it. I sighed and tried to fight back the desire rising up in me; now was not the time for this, not when Jake was so upset. What was wrong with me?

"Don't be afraid," he said hoarsely after a few moments, and my train of thought was so scattered by his touch that for a second I thought he was talking about something else entirely. "I don't want you to ever be afraid with me."

"I'm – I'm not," I said truthfully. "I was just shocked initially, Jacob. I'm fine now, I promise."

Jacob shifted and I leaned to accommodate him; he shifted his weight and placed his left arm between my back and the door, his hand curling around my waist until I was almost completely encircled in his arms. Did we have to continue driving? Couldn't we just stay here, like this, forever?

He pulled me closer than before, and his fingers played with the belt loop of my new jeans. I racked my brains for something to help assure him and had a slight _dur _moment when I realized. I took a moment to reel in my thoughts, my desire, and bring the emotions I wanted to the forefront; not that it was hard – they were right at the surface, the desire was just covering them up.

"Jake," I said quietly, and he looked down.

Our faces were much closer than I'd bargained for but I staunchly kept myself in control. I reached up and lightly touched his cheek with my palm, placing the barest hint of pressure with my fingertips. I watched his eyes unfocus as he began to see memories that were not his, that included him, but from a different perspective.

I showed him several scenes from when I was younger, when we were hunting or wrestling or playing and how I always noticed how protective he was. I showed him, though not fully, how much I appreciated the arm he placed around my shoulder when we were out now, how it made me feel safe. I showed him how safe I felt in the hotel last night, sleeping curled against his chest.

When I ran out of pictures to place with my emotions, I just gave them to him raw: the safety I felt, the security, my love for him, though I tried to tone it down so he wouldn't feel the desire running through. I showed him my confidence in him, my trust for him that had no boundaries.

Once I was finished, I probably should have moved my hand away, but I didn't. Jacob was breathing heavier than normal, but his eyes were much lighter than before, almost their original shade.

"See?" I tried to say, but it came out barely a whisper.

"Y-yeah," he said, his voice coming out nearly as quiet as mine.

I debated with myself for a second, then decided why not, since I'd already pushed this far without too much incident. I stretched up to kiss Jacob's cheek, but at the same time, he turned his head and my kiss landed closer to his mouth than I intended, less than an inch from the corner of his lips.

I expected him to jump away, but he didn't. He brought his head forward a little more, until his lips brushed my cheek. My body tensed with lust as his hot breath rushed across the side of my face and past my ear, warming me, if it was possible, even more. After a long moment, he turned his head a fraction of an inch, until I could feel his nose against my cheek, and kissed. He didn't pull back straight away either, but lingered, dragging his lips back slowly against my cheek until I was sure if he kept this up for one more second I would –

The rap on the window shattered the atmosphere that had settled throughout the car, and Jacob threw me unceremoniously back into the passenger seat, turning his body so his torso was between me and the drivers' window. Something like a growl rumbled low in his chest.

"Police, open up," a male voice said, and we both visibly sighed with relief, Jacob less so than me.

He pushed the button for the window to roll down and an average sized man in a blue uniform and gold badge gradually appeared. He was wearing large, aviator-style sunglasses and had dark skin, not like Jacob's, but the tone a pale person's took on when they tanned.

He pushed his glasses back as the window opened and I noticed he had dark blue eyes. He leaned down to see better into the car and he took everything in; his eyes moved from Jacob's stiff demeanor to what I could tell was my now disheveled hair and pink cheeks and something akin to realization dawned on his face. He half-smiled.

"How are you two doing today?" He asked politely, and I saw Jacob make a visible attempt to appear more polite.

"We're fine. How about you?" Jake returned.

"I'm doing all right, but I've got to tell you that the shoulder of the highway is no place for this sort of thing – it's dangerous, being so close to passing cars. There's an exit a few miles down with a rest stop if you need to . . . ah, take a break."

I blushed worse than before when I realized when he was insinuating. Did he think Jacob and I were . . ? In the car? On the side of the highway?

Jacob blushed a little too, and he looked embarrassed. I was too, but for a completely different reason.

"It's not like that, sir," Jacob assured him, but he didn't look convinced. "I just got a little upset over something, so I pulled over until I could calm down and concentrate on the road."

I was surprised that Jacob told him the truth. The policeman looked at me, as though to verify the story, and I nodded fervently. It wasn't a lie, but my furious blush must have made it look like one.

"All right, well, Mister . . . ?"

"Wolfe," Jacob supplied him.

"Mr. Wolfe, mind if I see your license?"

Jake turned to me, "You've got it, right, Vanessa?"

I was only taken aback for a second before I caught on. I leaned over into the floorboard, doing my best to block the cop's view and unzipped the black bag as little as I could manage and slide Jake's fake ID out. I handed it quickly to Jacob who in turn handed it over to the police officer.

I expected him to take it back to his car like they did on television, but he just glanced at it briefly. He handed it back after a few seconds and said, "Everything seems to be in order. All the way from Arizona, huh?"

"Yes, sir," Jacob nodded and attempted a smile. "California is the place to come for vacation, or so I hear."

"You're right about that, son," said the cop, before straightening up. He knocked the top of the car lightly. "All right, you're all set. Have fun for the rest of your vacation - just stop at a rest stop next time. You have a good day."

"Will do," Jake said, already starting the car.

We watched together as the policeman returned to his car and pulled away, blending into the traffic on the highway. Only when he was out of sight did Jacob start to pull out.

As we head back down the highway, my mind started to wander back to before the cop arrived. What if he hadn't? Would we, would I have . . . kissed Jake? Would he have kissed me back? I stopped myself there – of course he wouldn't have, that was just nonsense. I needed to be more careful about getting myself into situations like this, that tested my willpower, but it was hard to go against your instincts.

My natural reaction was to be as close to Jacob as possible, all the time. So how could it be wrong, if it was natural? I never felt as happy as when I was curled in his lap, against his chest. No sound felt better to my ears than his laugh and his heartbeat, no smell better than his scent, no sight better than his smile. How could that be wrong, when it felt just the opposite?

I cast around for something to say to break the awkward silence that had filled the car and to get my mind off thoughts that would get me nowhere. I settled with, "Vanessa? Nessie works for Vanessa too, you know, which is probably why they chose it."

Jake glanced at me quickly before returning his eyes to the road and kind of smirked.

"I know," he admitted. "But I didn't know if he was going to ask for your ID too, and it just seemed better to be safe than sorry. And I was just trying to get out of there as quick as possible, with as few questions asked as I could manage."

"Oh," I said. "That makes sense. It's just weird to hear you call me anything other than Nessie."

"It felt weird."

"Did it?" I asked, a little surprised.

He nodded sheepishly. "I've called you Nessie since the day you were born."

"Seriously?" I said, surprised even though it made sense. I could never remember him calling me anything else.

He nodded again, smiling to himself the way someone did when they were remembering something nice.

"I'm sorry about freaking out like that, Ness," he said suddenly a few minutes later.

"It's okay," I said, reaching my hand out for him. At the last minute, I thought better of it though, and let it drop onto the armrest.

"Thank you for calming me down. I haven't lost control like that in a long time – not that badly."

"I'm sorry, then," I apologized, feeling worse now for pushing Jake so far when I had obviously seen he was upset. "I shouldn't have kept pushing you."

He shook my apology off like a rogue fly and sort-of smiled. "So you're not freaked out? You're not wondering what you got yourself into having a werewolf for a best friend?"

I weighed the pros and cons of telling the truth, and settled as I usually did, on what would probably be the wrong decision. Also, as always, I justified it to myself by editing.

"You promise _you _won't freak out if I tell you something?"

"No, of course not, Nessie," Jake said, looking back and forth between me and the road quickly. "You can tell me."

"I mean, it sounds bad, but . . . try to understand it when I say: it didn't scare me, I was kind of . . . flattered." Jake looked at me confusedly, so I hurried on before he could come to the wrong conclusion. "I mean, I don't ever want you to be upset or anything but happy, but it feels nice to know that you care that much."

I blushed again, wishing as always that I should have kept my mouth shut immediately after I spoke.

Jake's eyes softened again. There was a click as he casually flipped his turn signal and smoothly slid into an exit.

"Of course I care that much, Nessie," he told me, sounding a little hurt. "You are literally my best friend in the entire world. There's nobody else I love as much as you."

Well, that brought me up short.

Nobody else he loved more? In the entire world? Even Billy? What about Quil and Embry, his wolf-brothers? Even them?

I wanted to tell him that I loved him too. I wanted to tell him how much, to let him know, to _show him_. I wouldn't even need to use my gift. I wanted to leap across the console and into his lap like we were minutes ago, I wanted to straddle him, feel his rough hands buried in my hair; I wanted to crank the seat back and kiss him until neither of us could breathe – I wanted to hear him say my name like he did every night in my dreams.

But I couldn't. He loved me, of course. A lot. I'd never doubted that for a second, but not like I loved him. I couldn't pretend to understand attraction – I knew I was pretty, knew even that Jake thought so, but that wasn't enough. Was it my body? I was shortest of everyone in my family besides Alice, and I wasn't built like my mother. I was still small, but my hips were wider, not perfectly proportionate to the rest of my body – Mom called it curvy. But maybe Jake didn't like that.

I couldn't help but wonder: what did Jake like? Not me, that's for sure.

But still. To love me more than anyone else? I thought wildly of imprinting and what Seth had told me at the wedding and couldn't help but tack bitterly onto the end of Jacob's sentence the word _yet_. He didn't love anyone more than me yet, but he would. He just hadn't seen her yet. Would he see her soon? Maybe even here, in California, where there were so many girls who were blonde and tan and thin and not at all like me.

"Me too, Jake," I answered quietly, barely more than a whisper all I could manage. "I love you most, too."

If he only knew how much.

* * *

**Coming up:**

My thoughts went, as they had been doing lately when I thought of such things, to Seth. Seth and his pretty new imprint, his soul mate.

"Is it Seth?" I asked nervously a few minutes later, surprised to already see the hotel coming into view ahead of us. "Is he all right?"

Jacob's face darkened and I shrunk back, unsure of what exactly I had done or said.

"Don't talk to me about Seth," he spat at me.

I didn't like his tone, I didn't like the way his face looked, and for the first time since I could remember, I didn't want him touching me.


	14. In Which it is Not a Movie

**_A/N: _**Okay, remember that long 'ole author's note in which I laid out my plans for updating? Well, forget that. I have lately been experiencing a new sensation that's throwing me for a loop: I'm busy. Strange, I know. Anyway, I promised y'all up to chapter 18 before I leave, and I'll make sure I carry through with that, but as for how they'll come, I can't promise that. The good news is, you're getting them closer together.

**_Disclaimer:_** I do not own the Twilight universe, or any Shakira songs. This also means that I do not own Jacob Black, which is a source of much sadness and grief for me.

_

* * *

_

Chapter Fourteen: In Which it is Not a Movie

* * *

_don't forget that you're condemned to me  
can't you see? you always were  
you'll always be_

_- shakira, rules_

-

The next few days seemed to drag and speed past at the same time. We stayed nowhere more than one night, but we didn't drive as fast or for as long, taking more breaks and turning in earlier.

I was sure not to press for information as bluntly as before, since just the thought of upsetting Jacob like that again tore at my insides, but I managed to get quite a few more details. Jake seemed more than willing to talk about plans and things of that nature with me, just not any nefarious plans to do me any harm, which was fine with me as I decided I was actually better off not knowing. Besides, any curiosity I may have had was overweighed by my hatred of doing anything to hurt Jake.

Alice had the vision of the Volturi sending someone the day she found out about Grandpa Charlie's wedding, and my family and Jacob had been planning ever since. Alice tried to see through all her holes, to search for the results of all their different plans. Staying to fight would not work, and running as a whole would not either – neither would involving the wolves. Not completely anyway – all of these plans would keep me safe, as Alice saw, but not without a cost: some would not survive. Jake wouldn't tell me who, and I didn't ask again. I wasn't sure I wanted to know who would be the one or ones not to survive because of me.

The only plan that Alice said she could see the hope of working without any . . . casualties, was this one.

Jacob explained to me about the Volturi's visit when I was younger, and his recollection tugged at something in my memory, but I could not call it up. Just strange flashes of things: the smell of snow, the feeling of sadness and fear, and russet fur gripped between small fingers. I could tell he was editing his story, but not how, and that bothered me. It was frustrating not to remember something that you experienced yourself, something so pivotal to your existence.

The Volturi were interested in me, what I was, even after it was proved that I was not dangerous. Their leader, Aro (Jacob could not or would not remember his name, but I had learned this much from my studies with Grandpa Carlisle) was a collector of sorts and certain members of my family were seen as . . . assets, and it bothered them that they refused to join, though they tried not to show it.

Then they learned of Nahuel and his sisters' existence, and our differences interested them even more. Nahuel, for instance, was venomous and I was not, yet we could both sustain on human food. And though Jacob did not mention anything of that nature again and I did not ask, they were wanting to see if we could reproduce, if _I_ could.

I had never thought about it much, but now that it had been brought to my attention, I couldn't help but wonder. Could I have children? What did I want the answer to be? Whenever I thought of this, a picture of brown haired, toffee-skinned children floated across my mind and I shot it down.

Maybe I was like a mule, what happened when you crossed a horse and a donkey. They could mate together and produce offspring, but that offspring could not. A genetic dead end. I didn't know how I felt about that.

Or maybe I would be able to reproduce only with another half-breed, the only male of which currently known was Nahuel. Or maybe only humans, or maybe only vampires. I'm sure this is what the Volturi were wondering, but why it was so important to them, I wasn't sure. I knew why it was important to me.

I tried not to think about how it might or might not work with a werewolf.

Jacob told me that the Volturi had a tracker with unparalleled senses, who could find anyone on instinct alone. The feeling was most likely stronger when he was searching for a group, and Grandpa Carlisle and Dad theorized that it was highly likely that the werewolves had a similar natural defense against the tracker's gift as they did with Aunt Alice's. It would be safest for me to go with a werewolf, and since we were so close, Jacob was the obvious choice.

Jacob told me, avoiding my eyes, that he wouldn't have let me go with anyone else, even my parents, without him.

"I wouldn't be able to stand it – being without you," he'd said.

I wish he'd stop saying things like that. I'd get all happy and flying high and then I'd remember imprinting and soul mates and how I wasn't his and I'd come crashing down and have to hide my face for awhile until I could push the thought away.

My family was currently attempting to track the tracker, which seemed a little fruitless to me. Jacob said the Volturi didn't want to come outright and send troops to collect me, since they had no reason, and we had been known to have others stand with us before and summoning me to Italy would raise too many questions. Better if I just disappeared, and who would believe anyone against the Volturi without solid evidence? They were hoping, at the most, that they could kill him and give us a better chance than we could hope for, or in the very least, keep him running for a long as possible so he couldn't track us as well.

They didn't think the Volturi would stop if the tracker was killed, would actually probably use it as a reason to bring charges against us, so they were considering capturing him and keeping him to testify.

"It might mean a war," Jacob said one night when I'd asked what he thought would happen.

I didn't want a war. I didn't want anything, except Jacob and my family and to be left alone. Jacob wouldn't sleep on the bed with me anymore, even on top of the covers, and we'd had more than one disagreement about it that generally led to me crying in the shower, trying to keep it just under enough control so he wouldn't be able to hear me over the running water.

I didn't cry just for that, the feeling of rejection every time Jacob chose the hard floor over the bed with me, it was everything else too. I trusted that Jake would keep me safe, never doubted it for a minute, but I could never be so sure about anyone else. The only person I wasn't scared for was me.

I missed my family. This was the longest I had ever been without seeing them. I wasn't allowed to talk to them when they called, an extra precaution in case by some freak chance, the tracker was listening in. They didn't know if hearing my voice would help him in his hunt and didn't want to risk it. I missed my Dad's voice and my Mom's arms and Aunt Rose's dog jokes and Alice's dancing and Jasper's sarcasm and Emmett's ridiculousness and Grandma Esme's hands and Grandpa Carlisle's eyes and I missed my werewolf friends and Billy and I missed Grandpa Charlie.

I missed my old life and I was so scared for all of them, all the time. I didn't know when or if I would ever see them again. Jacob assured me I would, but I could look in his eyes and tell he wasn't sure.

What would I do if something happened to one of them? All of them? What would I do if something happened to Jake, since he was so hell-bent on protecting me at all costs, the one in the most danger?

My breath seized up and my heart stuttered every time I thought of this and I had to run to the bathroom or lay the seat back and roll over to hide my face until I got it under control. I thought I was in pain now, when Jacob didn't want me, at least not like I wanted, but it was nothing compared to the pain of even imagining him not being there to reject me at all. I was sure I would die.

Everything I did, every reaction, every instinct felt so connected to Jake – I was sure, that if his heart stopped beating, mine would too. Even if we were apart, I would know. I would feel it in my core – a loss, a cord cutting, and then I would die.

I think I'd take it happily though. I was only half-vampire – I couldn't live without the sun.

I knew that if there was a war, the werewolves would fight with us, and some of them would die. Some of my family might too. I knew it in my bones – no one fought a war without casualties.

I knew Seth wasn't the only one who imprinted, the only one with a soul mate who would mourn his loss like the death of a piece of themselves, like a ache in their bones that would never heal, but it was him I thought of every time. Seth, with his pretty red-haired girl – would Seth die? Seth, who had just found his love, would he lose her too soon? Would this girl who had just been introduced to the world of myths and monsters have one of them steal away her own, her soul mate when she had only recently found out about his existence?

I cried for Leah, too, who the last time I saw her, at the wedding, had finally looked happy. I cried for Billy when I thought about how he might never see his son again, and then I started crying for an entirely different reason. And then I would cry until my lungs ached over the guilt of it all, that most likely, someone I loved would die for me and there would be nothing I could do about it.

I would cry until Jacob knocked on the door and asked if I was all right, or if I fell in, etcetera. Then I'd calm myself down, get out of the shower, and fall asleep with my head under the covers, alone in a bed that was always entirely too cold.

I started having nightmares, each night's dream worse than its predecessor. I would be standing alone in the dark, and by dark, I meant exactly that. There was myself, there was blackness, and nothing else. Even my half-vampire senses couldn't penetrate it.

And then there would be a hand, pale and shining, at my feet. And then a foot. Then an arm, an ear.

I would jump back from them, running in the opposite direction to a white light that was a pinprick in the distance. I approached it too quickly and that's when I realized – it wasn't a light, it was a head: pale white and glowing. Pretty Aunt Alice's head, her eyes wide and fearful, her mouth open but unable to speak.

Then I would smell the smoke, and scream.

I would start awake, like when you had a falling dream, my eyes bursting open and maybe a gasp, but nothing else. I never woke Jake up, which was good, because I didn't need him worrying about me more than he already was. I would just turn over and heave open-mouthed, silent sobs into my pillow until I teetered back off into sleep.

Each consecutive night brought its own change to the dream: more and more body parts added, and when I turned to run away from Aunt Alice's head, there would be Uncle Jasper's, the next night Emmett's, the next Aunt Rose's. I would run from one only to find another, screaming and screaming for Jacob, who never came, until I came to the last head, the newest addition – only then would I jump awake.

The consequences of not sleeping much during the night meant sleeping a lot in the car, and Jacob, who didn't know I hadn't been sleeping, expressed concerns that I was getting sick. I brushed them off as I stared vaguely out of the window, my mind full of bodiless, white faces of people that I knew and loved.

About five days into our little "adventure", Jacob woke me up early one morning, just as I was getting back to sleep after what was appearing to become a nightly ritual, to tell me he needed to go phase, since he hadn't since we'd been running, and I needed to come with him.

Jake had to phase regularly to keep from aging, and also it would be a good chance to catch up with the pack and find out what's been going in La Push and Forks since we'd left. The phone calls from my family were few and far between, generally kept very short and delivered by Alice. They didn't hold much information.

I got up almost a little cheerfully, feeling better than I had in days in face of news of my friends and family. Grandpa Charlie and Grandma Sue would be back from their honeymoon and wondering where we were – or did my parents already give them an excuse for that? I would have to ask Jake. I knew Sue would know, though, at least a little. I wonder how she felt about it.

I went to the bathroom and pulled on my jeans and t-shirt from the day before since I hadn't yet showered and Jake placed an arm around my shoulder as always as we headed out the door, black bag clutched perpetually in my hand.

I reveled in the feeling of his arm around me, since I knew it wouldn't last. He didn't touch me as much now, and I wasn't sure why. All I knew was that it hurt – I'd been counting on getting my fill of Jacob as best I could so I'd have something to look back on when he imprinted and left me.

We walked a few miles into the woods by our hotel room, and Jacob released me from his grasp only after his senses had assured him there was no one, human or vampire, within a two mile radius.

"I don't know how long I have to phase for to stop the aging, since I've just done it regularly for the last eight years," he told me as he stripped off his t-shirt. "Ten minutes should do it, though, I think."

I nodded, doing my best not to look, but I couldn't help it. When he handed his shirt to me to hold, I slung it over my shoulder, so I could keep his scent close, could smell October and maple syrup coming off of it without actually pressing it to my nose and looking ridiculous. He walked a few feet away into a thicket of bushes and I turned my back on him, doing my best to give him a little privacy. It was honestly against every instinct I had.

I felt the air change, despite the space between us, and I knew it was safe to look. I turned, grinning, to the space where Jacob had been standing to see a huge russet wolf, big as a horse, lolling at me, tongue out. He loped gracefully towards me and dropped down onto his stomach beside me. I sat down beside him, leaning against his warm side. I pressed my face into the fur at his neck and inhaled deeply – he smelled like Jake always did, just maybe a tad more . . . animalistic.

He made a sound that, if he had been a cat and not a dog, would have been a purr and nuzzled closer to me. I sighed – I guess the no-touching rule didn't apply when he was in wolf-form. I wasn't complaining. Actually, to stay on the safe side, maybe he should stay like this for an hour or so, since he didn't know how long it was supposed to take.

He turned his head and rubbed his warm, dry nose against my cheek and I wrinkled my nose against the tickling sensation his breath made. Then he licked my face, chin to hairline.

"Jacob Black!" I shouted at him as I wiped his slobber from my face, but I was smiling, so it ruined the effect. "Are you crazy? You don't lick me when you're human, do you? What makes you think you can do it now?"

I blushed at my own words as soon as they were out of my mouth, but I don't think wolf-Jacob noticed. I'd much rather have Jacob lick me when he was human . . .

Wolf-Jacob made a high-pitched sound deep in his chest, and I looked up quickly, sure it was a reaction to my words, but it wasn't. He rolled until his huge head fell into my lap and I _oof_ed at the weight, but reached to scratch him behind the ears anyway.

His eyes became serious and he grew very still, so I knew he must be communicating with the pack. I tried to sit as silently as possible, my only movements being my breath whooshing in and out and the twitching of my fingers behind wolf-Jacob's ears as I scratched.

We were there longer than ten minutes, half an hour maybe, at the least, but I couldn't be sure. Jacob hardly moved at all, but his eyes stayed focused, like he was having a conversation with someone right in front of us that I couldn't see. Suddenly he jumped up, rushing off to the bushes where he had hidden to phase. I barely had time to look that way before he was coming back out to where I was, zipping up his jeans. He took the shirt from my shoulder without asking and shrugged it on. His face was set and cold. Something was wrong.

"Is everything okay back home?" I asked tentatively, hoping it wasn't too bad; not something too, too serious.

I expected him to edit, or downplay it, but not to say, "Everything's fine. Let's go."

He threw one arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer than before and set off at a definitely inhuman pace. I could keep up with him without a problem, but I had to jog since his legs were so long; he didn't seem to notice.

My thoughts went, as they had been doing lately when I thought of such things, to Seth. Seth and his pretty new imprint, his soul mate.

"Is it Seth?" I asked nervously a few minutes later, surprised to already see the hotel coming into view ahead of us. "Is he all right?"

Jacob's face darkened and I shrunk back, unsure of what exactly I had done or said.

"Don't talk to me about Seth," he spat at me.

I didn't like his tone, I didn't like the way his face looked, and for the first time since I could remember, I didn't want him touching me.

I tried to shrug out from under his arm, but he pulled me tighter. He sighed heavily after a few seconds and said, "I'm sorry, Nessie. He's _fine_, though I don't know how you –"

Jacob cut himself off, and when I looked up he looked like he might be actually biting his tongue.

I knew better than to press this subject at the moment, although I made a promise to myself that I would find out later what Jake's problem with Seth was. I changed tact, "Okay. Well, how's everybody else? How's Billy?"

Jacob's face was turned away from me when he said, "Fine." so I couldn't tell whether or not he was lying. His angry tone didn't help me either. He dropped his arm from around me like a hot stone as soon as we were back in our room and threw himself down in the chair.

"Go take a shower if you want one," he commanded, and for a second I just stood there, staring.

What had happened? What was going on at La Push that had upset him or angered him so badly?

"What's wrong, Jacob?" I asked softly, and attempted to reach out and touch his hand but he snatched it away from me. I literally stepped back at that.

"Don't – just, don't, Nessie, I'm fine," he told me, looking at the space beside my ear. "Go take a shower."

I tried to hide the hurt look from my face as I retreated to the bathroom, but I couldn't censor my tears like I had been, couldn't keep the sobs that choked out of me down and I didn't really care if he heard them. He deserved it – he deserved to hear how much he'd hurt me. Why had he jumped away from me like that? I thought he loved me most? Had hearing from his brothers back in La Push made him wish that he had never left, that he had never signed on for this? Was he regretting it now?

I cried for awhile, letting the water pour over me, not even bothering to wash my hair. Everything was wrecked – my family was torn apart because of me, and Jacob was angry at me for taking away his life, and it was all entirely my fault. I started to feel bad then, tried to keep the tears from emerging so noisily. I hoped now that Jacob hadn't heard.

I realized as I got out of the shower and began to towel off that I hadn't brought any clothes to change into with me. I wasn't looking forward to having to ask Jacob to hand me my bag, especially with the horrible mood he was in. I was surprised when I cracked the door, to see my backpack lying against it. I couldn't be angry at Jacob anymore, couldn't blame him, and I was touched.

Then again, maybe he'd noticed and set it there so he could avoid having to talk to me.

I snatched the bag inside, opening the door as little as possible and began to pull some fresh clothes on. My backpack was getting lighter and lighter, and the plastic trash bag in the trunk of the Porsche that carried me and Jacob's dirty laundry heavier and heavier. We would have to do laundry soon.

I was looking forward to a day in the car with Jacob less than ever as I emerged from the bathroom, followed by clouds of steam. Jake sat in the same chair I left him in, looking at his hands, and the expression on his face when he looked up at me was so normal I wanted to cry, from happiness this time. I was so happy to see him looking normal that I didn't even notice at first how sad he looked.

He got up and crossed the room to me in two long strides. I just kind of stood there in front of him, holding my dirty clothes that smelled of wolf-Jacob and human Jacob and the pizza we ate last night for dinner.

"I'm so sorry, Nessie," he said honestly, only confusing me more. "I'm so sorry that I made you cry. I wasn't mad at you, it was something else, but that's no excuse. I'm so sorry."

I blushed. So he had heard me. It was more embarrassing than I thought it would be.

"You always say that," I told him, but I smiled.

"I know I do," he told me earnestly, and I could tell he didn't get that I was teasing him. "But I keep messing up and keep having to do it over again. I'm so sorry, I really am."

"I'm not angry, Jacob," I said. "You just hurt my feelings a little, that's all. You made me promise to tell you whenever something bothered me, and I did, but you won't tell me."

I blushed again and my stomach twisted as I remembered The Event, the last time I had told Jacob what was bothering me. I also remembered that I still had one more thing to tell him, but first I had to fix this.

"And I want to help you, Jake, and it's not fair that you won't let me. It hurts me when I see that you're hurting," I told him, and took a small step forward. "And the past few days you've been weird, and then today after you talked to your brothers you were so angry, so I thought you missed them and were regretting coming with me and I felt bad."

"You felt _bad_?" Jacob asked, incredulous. "You felt bad because you thought _I_ didn't want to be here?"

I nodded, since he had it exactly right.

"And you're upset and crying in the shower, not because I got angry with you again and scared you when I said I wouldn't, but because I wouldn't tell you how I was feeling and you were worried for _me_?"

I nodded again.

Jake let out a short, barking laugh that I was almost insulted by until he snatched me up into his arms and I decided I wasn't anything but perfectly and incandescently happy. I was surprised, but obviously pleased, and I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled myself closer. He sort of spun us around, and when he pulled back again I noticed we, or rather he, since my feet weren't touching the ground, were standing next to the bed.

"God, Nessie," he said, and his tone was serious again. "When will you realize the only place I want to be is wherever you are?"

"When I understand why?" I ventured, hoping he would disclose the secret to me, because I sure as hell didn't know why he hung around.

He dropped me unceremoniously onto the bed and I bounced jerkily for a second, and almost got mad until I felt Jake drop onto the bed beside me, the springs groaning in protest.

"I wouldn't be able to explain it if I tried," he told me, laying back and turning his head, parallel with mine, to face me.

"Try anyway."

"It's stuff like this," he said after a long moment, gesturing towards me. "I act like a complete and total ass and hurt you and make you cry, and then come to find out, the reason you're crying is because you think you hurt me or you're worried that I feel bad."

"But Jacob," I pressed, reaching up above our heads for his hand, which he let me take. "It's because we're best friends, remember? Remember our promise – it goes both ways. You can tell me anything and I won't cry or get mad or anything of the stupid stuff that I do."

He smiled at how I took his words and fit them to match me.

"Just promise me one more thing, though," he requested and my stomach dropped. My last promise had gotten me into a hell of a mess.

I was surprised when he rolled onto his side, disentangling my hand from his, propping himself up on an elbow and supporting his head with his recently free palm so he was looking down at me. He reached forward with his free hand and stroked my face; I closed my eyes and leaned into his touch.

I nodded anyway.

"Don't ever cry over me again," his whispered hoarsely and my eyes flew open. "Hit me, scream at me, do whatever you want – but please don't ever shed another tear because of me."

"I-I can't promise that, Jacob," I stammered back, the close proximity to his body condemning me to ineloquence. "I can promise to try, but . . ."

"But what?"

"I love you too much," my mouth finally said, without my full permission, coming out a little hoarse too. "I love you entirely too much, Jacob. When you're hurt, I hurt. When you're happy, I'm flying. I don't know why it's like that, but it is. The best way I could keep that promise is if you promise me to stay happy."

"I'm happy when I'm with you," Jacob said, his hand trailing over my shoulder and down my arm, then back up again. "Stay with me, Ness, and we'll both be happy."

I pushed myself up on both my elbows, and Jake had to lift his head up to accommodate me, to keep our heads from meeting, our lips –

"You're not happy now," I said, and looked him straight in the eye.

"I'm sorry, Nessie," he said again.

"What about this time?"

"For lying to you."

My heart thudded as he spoke of lying. What would it be? Did he realize he didn't love me most, after all?

"About what?"

"About nothing being wrong," he said, and I saw a little pain slip through onto his face. He pushed himself up into a sitting position, crossing his legs. "There is."

I followed him quickly, mimicking his movements until I was sitting in front of him on my knees.

"What is it?"

"It's Billy," he told me, his beautiful face twisting in pain that he was just now allowing to show. "He's uh . . . had a stroke. And he's in a coma."

My heart immediately flew out in different directions. A piece went to Billy, my third grandfather, Jacob's parent, someone I loved like family – but the largest piece went to the person I loved most, my Jacob, who sat looking so lost and hurt and I didn't know what to do.

"Oh, Jacob."

And then I did.

My instincts rose up in me, compelling me to reach out, to physically comfort. I moved like lightening, twining my arms around Jake's neck and pulling myself close, since I wasn't strong enough to pull him to me. Without a second thought, without worrying about overstepping boundaries, I crawled into his lap. It was different from in the car though, this position, straddling his legs. I pushed away feelings I didn't have time to deal with.

Jacob didn't push me away like a small part of me was expecting, but wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer. I ran my hands up and down his massive back and shoulders, and up his neck again. I didn't have words – I didn't know what to say, or how to say it, but this came easy enough. Was that normal?

I felt Jake rest his forehead against my shoulder and his hair fell forward to tickle my collar bone, a few strands actually slipping into the gap in the neck of my shirt. After a minute or so, though, I knew I had to say something, that it was important for Jake to talk about it, so I finally said, "Are you okay?"

"I don't know," he told me gruffly, sliding his face from my shoulder to my neck and my breath hitched. A reaction that meant something much different than when a vampire's breath hitched. My arms moved up of their own accord to encircle Jake's head, one hand winding itself into his hair. "I just don't know, Ness."

"What do the doctor's think?" I asked, running my fingernails lightly over his scalp like I had done with wolf-Jacob less than an hour ago.

When he spoke this time, I could feel his lips, dry and warm, barely brushing against my collarbone. My knees seemed to want to tighten around Jacob's hips, but I forced them to remain where they were.

"They say it doesn't look good," he said, then I was surprised when he pulled back to face me. His eyes made me want to cry. "God, Nessie, what am I gonna do?"

"Oh, Jacob," I said again, pressing his face back into my neck, which he let me do, so I could hold him close. "Whatever you want to do. Do you need to go back? Should you go back and see Billy?"

"No," he said firmly, pushing me back to look at me again. "Absolutely not. It's not safe for you."

"Well . . ." I cast around for ideas that I knew would just come up short. "I can stay . . . we can ask Alice to see . . ."

"No," he said again, in his Alpha voice that made my spine shiver. "No, Renesmee, don't even think about it. We will not be going back to Forks and you will not be out of my sight until this is done with."

"But Jacob," I pressed. "Billy . . ."

"I know," he said, softer this time. "But I love you most, Nessie, and I can't risk letting anything happen to you. Billy would understand."

He sort-of shrugged, a movement that moved my arms, resting on his shoulders, up and down with them.

"You're not supposed to say that," I told him quietly, and I was right.

I know I loved him most, too, and had even told him, but you weren't supposed to say it like that. You couldn't say you loved someone else more, especially in contradiction to your parents, it was wrong – it was –

"You said it, too."

I blinked dumbly for a second, not sure what he was talking about. He must have noticed, because he clarified, "You said you loved me most, too."

Guilt washed over me as I thought of my parents, my grandparents, my aunts and uncles. Would I stay away from one of them when they were dying because not to would endanger Jacob? I knew I would.

I stared at him for a moment, his amazing dark brown eyes that were always so full of love and protection and now were full of hurt.

I almost chuckled bitterly when I thought about our situation, how we must look. What an outsider would think of us right now. If this were a movie, the hero and heroine would kiss now. Would more than kiss now.

But though Jacob may be my hero, I was no heroine and this was definitely not a movie.

And because this was not a movie, I did not deliver a long, eloquent dialogue, waxing poetic my undying love for him. I just pressed my cheek to his, enjoying the feel of his warm hands running up and down my back for a moment before I said, "I know I did, Jake. I know."

* * *

**Coming up: **

I think I might have begun to lose my mind, because I actually laughed.

"Jacob Black, have you lost your fucking mind?"

His eyes widened in shock at my words. I had never spoken to him like that before, and I was a little shocked too, but I was beyond pissed and I wasn't stopping now.

"Nessie - what - ?"


	15. In Which There is Talk of Burning

**_A/N: _**Kay, I'm gonna warn you now, 'cause I feel it coming on: this is gonna be a long one. First off, I wanted to say that Nessie is not stupid. I know it seems that way, but here's how I see it: she's had seven very sheltered years of life, and just because you have text book knowledge of something doesn't mean you'll recognize it when it happens to you. She doesn't realize that the guy is hitting on her and asking her out, because it's never happened to her. Also, with smoking - I imagine besides on television, she wouldn't have really encountered it.

I also want to say in all seriousness that I do not support or agree with smoking, alcohol or any intoxicants. I think that comes across in this chapter, which I was forced to write, because despite this, the thought of a smoking Jacob was kind of hot. So, yeah. But people: smoking is bad.

And also - last thing, I promise - anyone who wants to be PM'd a list of completed chapter titles before I leave (since they can be useful for clues, or if you're just nosy like me), let me know in your review. Thanks.

**_Disclaimer: _**I am not Stephanie Meyer, so therefore I do not own anything Twilight-related. I also do not own any Katy Perry songs, even though she is awesome. I do own the chapter title, Nessie's dream, and the last line though, all of which I am very proud of.

* * *

Chapter Fifteen: In Which There is Talk of Burning

* * *

_i can't stop, don't care if i lose  
baby, you are the weapon i choose_

_- katy perry, self inflicted_

-

Alice called after our week was up to give us another five days as long as we kept what we were doing up.

"Tell them I love them," I whispered desperately in Jake's ear, as low as I could manage.

"Vanessa sends her love," he'd said into the receiver before the line clicked dead.

It didn't feel like enough.

Jacob still wouldn't share the bed with me, but I tried not to let it bother me too much, though it was mostly in vain. I couldn't pretend to understand, but it helped that we had returned mostly to normal. Jake was much more subdued because of his worry for Billy, though he tried not to let it show. We decided he should phase as often as possible to keep tabs on the situation – if things got any worse I was planning on finding a way to force him back to Forks.

I learned how to do laundry in a laundromat, which was fun, until we were interrupted about halfway through. I was folding Jacob's massive t-shirts neatly at one of the provided tables when I was approached by a man about Jacob's age with light brown hair and green eyes.

I didn't really realize he was approaching, concentrated as I was on the strange pleasure I took in doing things like this for Jacob, until he dropped into the seat across from me. I looked up suddenly as I felt the air move, a fraction of a second before I heard the sound.

"Hi," he'd said in a friendly tone. "What's your name?"

"Um . . . Vanessa," I answered, catching myself at the last second.

"That's a pretty name, Vanessa – I know this seems a little forward, but can I ask you a question?"

I just nodded dumbly, still a little shocked at being approached by a total stranger. This had literally never happened to me before.

"Are you with that guy over there?" He asked, gesturing a ways behind me, and I didn't have to look to know who he meant.

"Oh, yeah," I said, nodding at the simple question. "That's Jake."

"So . . . you're not available?"

I felt my face turn quizzical. "Availa –"

"She's not," I heard Jacob say from behind me in his Alpha voice, different from the tone he used with me, scarier. He placed a warm hand on my shoulder and despite my confusion, I instinctively leaned into it.

"No offense, man, but I'd like to hear it from her," he'd answered back, turning his gaze back to me, but I wasn't sure what he wanted to hear. "So are you available?"

I glanced up quickly at Jake, to see him glaring murderously at the guy across from me. I looked back at the brown-haired man, who was still looking expectantly at me.

"Available for what?" I blurted, and the guy looked confused and Jacob's fingers tightened on my shoulder.

"To go out."

I felt like I should understand, and was frustrated that I couldn't. Jacob, towering above me, literally growled and the guy's calm looked a little more rattled than before.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about," I told him honestly, just hoping he would go away soon before Jacob broke his neck. "I can't go out anywhere – Jake and I are doing laundry, and I don't even know you."

"Are you seriously going to act like you don't know what I'm talking about?" He asked me, his brows knitting together. "If you're with him, just say so."

"I already did!" I exclaimed, frustrated and confused and worried for Jacob's sake because I really didn't think we would be able to run very efficiently if Jake was jailed for murder. "And I _don't_ know – "

The rest of my sentence vanished in my throat as Jacob's hand left my shoulder and he appeared in my line of sight an instant later, towering over the suddenly very small-looking man in the plastic chair.

"You need to leave now," he said, his voice dangerously low and reminding me of our first night in California when we signed into that horrible hotel. "You heard her – she's obviously not interested, and if you're not on the other side of this building in thirty seconds I won't be held responsible for what I do to you."

"Whatever, man," the guy had said, and swept out of his chair and across the room without a second glance.

Jacob dropped heavily into the chair beside me and I heard it creak under the strain as he wrapped an arm around my shoulders. "What're you doing talking to people you don't know, Ness?"

The Alpha voice was still there, but like I said, it was different. It wasn't how he had talked to that man; it was how he spoke to me, dominant but soft. I shivered without meaning to.

He pulled me a little closer and kissed the corner of my forehead, which I appreciated but didn't understand. I saw his eyes flash away and then back, and followed his gaze to the opposite wall, where the man from before was standing, watching us.

"I wasn't trying to talk to him," I explained, trying to justify myself. "He just came up and started asking a bunch of stupid questions – and he's just a human, I don't know what you got so mad about anyway – "

"God, Nessie, to be so smart, you sure are dumb," he said, but he didn't chuckle, so I wasn't sure whether I should be offended or not.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked, deciding on offended, pulling to the side so I could examine his face better.

"Nothing, I didn't mean it like that," Jake amended, and I only felt a little better. "I just forget you're not used to dealing with people. You don't see bad in anybody."

"But . . ." I trailed, wondering if one ever got used to being confused. I sure had enough practice by now. "What did he want?"

The beginnings of a growl rumbled in Jake's chest and he pulled me closer again as he said, "You."

Me? Wanted me? That didn't make any sense. I wasn't a toy or a shirt or something, I was a human - well, for conversation's sake – so how could he _want_ me? Want what from me?

I groaned in frustration and let my head fall forward onto the pile of Jake's unfolded shirts. My words were muffled when I said, "I _still_ don't know what you're talking about."

I heard Jacob exhale heavily, then I felt his hands on my back, rubbing soothingly and my body relaxed into his touch despite myself.

It was a few long moments before he said, "Remember what we talked about that day in my room?"

I immediately stiffened, my stomach twisting as I remembered the last time I had been in Jacob's room. It twisted again as I remembered what he was referring to: the conversation that had preceded The Event.

Lust. Desire. Want. _Want._

That guy _wanted _me? Like that? Like I want Jacob?

I sat up, eyes wide. "But I didn't touch him! I hadn't barely even talked to him! He doesn't even know me!"

"I'm sure he didn't care very much either way what you had to say," Jacob told me bitterly.

I gasped as it finally hit me, all the pieces coming together, a few minutes too late like always.

I thought of that man, a stranger I'd seen for the first time only minutes ago, thinking of me like I thought of Jacob. It was different, though, without the love around the edges. When I thought of Jacob thinking of me that way, it made me giddy, ridiculously happy, made my legs press together to ease the pressure building in my stomach and heading downwards . . . when I thought of this man thinking of me, it made me want to vomit.

I suddenly wanted to hide, to sink under the table or take cover behind Jacob's back, away from the strange man's eyes. I leaned closer into Jacob's chest, and buried my face in his t-shirt. It seemed natural to think of Jacob like I did, clean, easy – I wasn't like that man.

"Why, though, Jacob? I – I don't want him to -"

"Ness, honey, it's not something you can help," he said gently, and I felt a little better. "You're – you're beautiful, so of course people are going to notice, but that guy is sick. He was at least twenty-five and you can hardly claim sixteen."

Despite how upset I was, it didn't escape my notice that Jake was twenty-four. So would that be sick? If, by some freak chance Jacob managed to return my feelings, would he be sick like this man? I didn't think it was possible. For me, it had nothing to do with age; it had to do with me having absolutely no control over how someone pictured me in their head.

"But I'm grown, Jacob," I pressed quietly, knowing it had absolutely nothing to do with defending that man and everything in the world to do with Jacob not finding the idea of being with me . . . sick. "And mentally – "

"I know that, Nessie. Trust me, I know that. But he didn't."

When I looked up again, the guy was gone. We finished the laundry soon after, and Jake and I were both in a hurry to leave. Jacob was almost back to normal by the time we reached our hotel and it wasn't mentioned again.

My dreams were getting worse. A new dismembered family member every night, more and more body parts scattered and gleaming through the blackness, running and running but being unable to escape their terrified, bodiless heads. I screamed for Jacob, but he never came. I would awake with a start and crawl frantically to the edge of the bed, unable to rest until I saw him, sleeping peacefully, with my own eyes.

I think my dreams were messing with my senses too, because now I seemed to smell smoke everywhere we went. It lingered particularly around Jacob. It felt like a bad omen.

Tonight as I sat with Jacob as he watched some stupid sitcom and I watched him consume massive amounts of Chinese food, I was looking forward to going to sleep less than ever.

There were two reasons for this: the first was that it was our eleventh night since we left Forks, four days since our last phone call from Alice in which we were promise five more Volturi-free days. We would be receiving an update tomorrow and I was nervous – I knew Jake was too, though he hid it well.

The second was, for whatever reason, much more terrifying to me. Each night for the past eleven nights, a new, dismembered head was added to my dreams. The worst was Mom, seeing her eyes wide and fearful, unable to speak, her lovely limbs that protected me so many times strewn around me. I nearly woke Jacob with my crying after that one.

Last night, the new addition was my Grandpa Charlie. He wasn't a vampire, so his skin didn't glow. I tripped across him as I ran from Grandma Esme's kind, bodiless face. He just laid there, eyes open and empty, and it was so much worse because there was no hope. I couldn't piece him back together, that was it.

I was worried because I was out of family members now, and I knew in my heart of hearts, that tonight I would dream of Jacob. Tonight I would see Jacob's dead, sightless eyes and I would go insane from the sight.

But as time did when you were dreading something, it sped up.

All too soon Jacob was yawning and tossing his five cartons of Chinese food away and brushing his teeth and getting ready for bed. I sat on the bed, wondering not for the first time why Jake continued buying single-bed rooms if he didn't want to sleep on the bed with me. I watched Jake pull the extra pillow and sheet from the closet and arrange it on the floor, between the bed and the door like always. I watched with a little too much interest as he pulled off his shirt and tossed it in the direction of our bags in the corner of the room.

"'N-n-n-night, Nessie," Jake finally managed after he had been overtaken by a huge yawn. I almost missed the words, so absorbed was I in watching the way the movement played out across his skin as he stretched, biceps stretching out and curling back in, the muscles in his stomach flexing . . .

"'Night, Jake," I returned, and crawled to the edge of the bed as he collapsed onto his pallet on the floor. Knowing what I wanted, he leaned back up and kissed my cheek quickly goodnight.

This had been another ritual that fizzled once my hormones started acting up, that I was now reinstating. It wasn't like the kiss that day Jake almost phased in the car, just a quick peck, but it was better than nothing.

"Sweet dreams," Jacob wished as I crawled unwillingly back to the head of the bed. I tried not to scoff bitterly – if he only knew.

"Sweet dreams, Jake. Love you."

"Love you too, Ness."

I pushed sleep off for as long as I could manage, but it eventually overtook me and I found myself where I knew I would end up all along, standing in pitch black with a gleaming white hand at my feet. I followed the trail anyway, my subconscious already knowing what I would find, but my dream-self not recognizing it.

I began running towards the light, and like every night before, reached it all too quickly and realized. Aunt Alice's head lay before me, eyes pleading, and I ran, ran towards the next light. Uncle Jasper. The next, Uncle Emmett. Aunt Rose. Mom and then Dad, the two I ran from the fastest. Grandpa Carlisle, Grandma Esme. The smoke burned my nostrils, making it hard for me to breathe but still I ran, calling for Jacob, who never came.

Then I tripped, crashed into blackness. I looked down to see Grandpa Charlie, eyes wide like the rest of my family but different because they were unseeing. I didn't stay with his body like in my dream from the night before, but ran, ran in the direction where I could now hear broken, heart-wrenching sobs.

I saw a flash of red and stopped, looking down. There was a pretty red-haired girl crying on the ground, clutching at a large tan wolf.

I experienced a strange stab of relief, subconscious mixing with the dream when I realized I would get another night. My heart ached as I watched the sobbing girl clutch the dead wolf: Seth, my friend, but couldn't help but be grateful for the reprieve. Another night until I had to face my very worse fears.

She cried like I'd never seen before, broken sobs that reverberated against nothing in the darkness. Then she looked up and screamed.

I followed her terrified gaze, turning around until I saw the gleaming white vampire approach, crimson eyes glistening. He wasn't after the girl, though, Seth's pretty red-haired imprint – he was after me.

I screamed for Jacob again, knowing he wouldn't come. My feet wouldn't move, I couldn't run, I could only scream. At Jacob's name, the vampire bared his teeth, a razor sharp smile, and glanced to his side.

My heart stopped when I saw it. A large, russet wolf lay still on the ground. My feet could move now, and I ran to him, my Jacob, throwing myself at his too-still body. I scratched at his head frantically, trying to get some reaction from him, but his eyes were black, unseeing.

Something in me stopped.

I was felt myself rising up, being pulled out and I opened my eyes into a different kind of darkness, one my eyes could penetrate. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think anything besides _Jacob_.

I scrambled frantically to the edge of the bed, and my heart nearly stopped again when he wasn't there. I flew out of the bed and to the bathroom, but the door was open and it was empty.

I stood there, in the center of the room for what felt like centuries, but was probably only seconds.

It was only a dream. It was only a stupid, horrifying, mind-scarring, terrible dream. I was supposed to wake up and Jacob would be here and he would protect me and I would be able to breathe again and I would be fine but he was _gone_.

There were no tears; I did not feel the urge to cry. There was nothing inside me except panic and emptiness as I rushed to the hotel door and swung it open. I would find him, I would –

It was like I had been bloodless until then, because as I saw Jacob standing there with his back to me, leaning against a pillar, perfect and wonderful and completely alive, it was like blood was rushing back inside me. Warm, inexplicable, amazing, glorious relief swam through my veins. My heart stuttered back into action and I took a deep breath, the first I could remember since I woke up.

The relief welled up inside my throat and tried to spill over, hardly was I able to contain it. I watched Jacob's torso move as he inhaled deeply, how his shoulders took the movement. He brought his arm, which was previously blocked by his body, back down and I smelled smoke. For a second, panic overwhelmed relief and I forgot where I was and that I wasn't dreaming and that nobody was dead.

I looked down at the small white stick Jacob held in his hand and realized the scent was coming from it. I watched him bring it back in front of him, apparently to his mouth, and his body moved as he inhaled deeply again.

"What are you doing?" I asked, my voice coming out much louder than I intended it to be.

Jacob jumped suddenly and spun around, his face relaxing for a millisecond when he saw me, only to become worried again.

"Nessie, are – are you all right? What - ?"

"_What_ are you doing?" I asked again, surprised by the anger rising up in me.

The action confused me at first, only ever having seen it done on television, but I understood now. Smoking. My brain whirred back to all my study lessons with Grandpa Carlisle, pictures of diseased, blackened lungs and _cancer_ and –

"N-nothing, Ness," Jake stuttered worriedly, and I saw him try to shift his hand behind him so I wouldn't see the cigarette in it. "I couldn't sleep – are you okay – "

"What is in your hand?"

I took a few steps forward and Jake attempted to shoo me back, dropping the white stub to the ground and stepping on it.

"Don't come over here, Ness," he had the nerve to tell me, fanning at the air to disperse the smoke. "Stand back – I don't want you to breathe it in."

I think I might have begun to lose my mind, because I actually laughed.

"Jacob Black, have you lost your fucking mind?"

His eyes widened in shock at my words. I had never spoken to him like that before, and I was a little shocked too, but I was beyond pissed and I wasn't stopping now.

"Nessie – what - ?"

"Is that why I've been smelling smoke everywhere lately? And I thought I was going insane, dreaming of _burning _all night and smelling smoke all day – I thought I was finally losing it. And you carry on about how much you love me but I wake up and you're _gone_, Jacob, _gone_ and I was so damn scared I couldn't breathe and come to find out you're out here smoking? Do you know what those things do to you? Have you ever seen a picture of a cancerous lung? Have you ever seen how the cancer cells mutate – what they do to your body? And you don't want me to breathe it in by accident, but it's all right for you to inhale it directly into your lungs?"

I was panting by the time I was finished. Rage and fear and hurt swirled inside me, battling it out for dominance.

"N-Nessie, I'm a werewolf. We probably can't even get cancer."

"Or it might affect you worse!" I burst out, my voice finally betraying me and cracking. "You can't die, Jacob! What the hell am I supposed to do without you, huh?"

Tears rushed up to the surface, angry and hot and I tried to push them back to little avail. The next thing I felt was Jacob's arms around me, encircling me gently. I was comforted for a second, but then I inhaled and smelled nothing but smoke and fear gagged inside me again.

I pushed against him, trying to push him away, but I was no physical match for him.

"Get away, Jacob, you stink," I told him harshly, shoving at his chest that might as well have been a cement wall for all the leeway I made. "What're you hugging me for? Go back and smoke your – your cancer-in-a-stick so you can d-die and leave me all a-alone."

That was it – the word that was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. I burst into hot, heavy tears against Jacob's chest and he didn't say anything, just swept me lightly into his arms and carried me back into the hotel room.

He laid me gently on the bed, and despite my anger at him, which was only from my fear of losing him anyway, I grasped for him when he pulled away.

"Sh, Ness, it's okay – I'm just laying down next to you," Jacob said, and I felt the best shift as he adjusted his large frame next to me on the bed. He turned halfway onto his side and pulled me up against him, lifting my head lightly like a baby so he could place one arm under it and pull me even closer.

I cried for awhile then, noisy and graceless tears that landed mostly on Jake's bare chest, wondering what was keeping him silent for so long. He was probably angry at me for screaming at him, which I shouldn't have, but what else was I supposed to do? He already wasn't immortal, already was going to have to die someday – did he have to speed it along?

And I had just seen him lying there, _dead_, and then I woke up and he was gone. He never left – he even left the bathroom door open when he showered! And he was gone. What was I supposed to make of that? What was I supposed to do without him?

"Nessie," Jake said after a long time, and I could hear the Alpha in his voice. I didn't shiver now, but I felt protected, comforted. "Look at me."

I never really had a choice. I couldn't make out his shape through the tears, and I reached up to swipe at my eyes but Jacob was already there. He ran a large thumb gently over each of my eyelids, removing the excess moisture until I had no other excuse not to look into his deep brown eyes. I was shocked to see how hurt they were.

"Did I just hear you doubt that I love you out there?" He asked, and his voice was intimidating. I felt ashamed of myself now. "How can you honestly even think that?"

I heard the hurt then, too, in his voice.

"I've already told you, I'm going to make sure you're safe, don't worry about me – "

"It's not about the fucking Volturi, Jacob!" I burst out again, shocking myself. I thought I was done with this. "I'm not worried that they'll come get me – if you were d-dead, I'd go gladly. I hope they'd experiment on me until I lost my mind because I wouldn't be able to – to – "

Jacob tried to pull me into his chest again, but I resisted, pulling myself into a sitting position and looking down at him. I had to explain this, and explain it right. I steeled myself, attempted to reel the tears back in, took a deep breath.

"I already told you: I love you too much, okay? And I can't – I can't even think about something happening to you, and then I had that dream and I saw you lying there all blank and lifeless and then I woke up and you were _gone_ and then I found you and I was so relieved." I stopped and looked at him for a while, his face a mixture of hurt and worry and love and I loved him so, so much. "So relieved. And then you were smoking, and that shit kills people, Jacob. And I know you're a werewolf and you're probably the strongest person I know, but I'm not willing to take any chances with you, all right? I can't take any chances with you."

I crawled back towards him and settled myself over Jacob's chest, pressing my face into his warm russet skin. His arms immediately wrapped around me, and I whispered into his neck, "I'm sorry, Jake. I'm sorry for screaming at you, but you can't – you can't do that anymore, okay? You can't smoke anymore."

"Nessie, I'm so sorry," Jacob said finally, and I could feel the reverberation of his voice in his chest. "I – I didn't know – the last thing I ever want to do is hurt you or scare you, but I apparently keep doing it again and again. I'll never smoke another cigarette, I swear to you – I just, Billy's sick and I'm stressed out and –"

"Then talk to me," I said quietly into the space just under his jaw. His skin was soft under my lips, and I couldn't resist placing a small kiss there. Jacob didn't shove me away, so I guessed it was okay. "You can talk to me about anything, Jacob, and I swear it helps. You don't have to deal with everything alone. And I want to help you, you – you don't know how _good _it makes me feel when I . . ."

I let myself trail off, because I knew I was meandering into dangerous territory. Even now, all I could think of was how Jacob's skin had felt between my lips, how I could taste him when I ran my tongue over the place where my lips touched his skin.

"You had a bad dream," he stated, not asked, so I just nodded into his neck. "This wasn't the first time."

"No," I whispered. "Every night. It's worse when you're not with me."

"I'm always with you, Ness."

"You know what I mean," I told him, then decided why not. "Did – did I do something wrong? I know I messed up before, but I really think I'm okay now, and it really, really helps me when you're close to me."

"Honey, you didn't do anything wrong. Don't ever think that," Jacob soothed me, but that's just what he was doing, soothing. "And how did you mess up before? You never did anything."

"Don't make me say it," I said quietly, managing to blush even in my current predicament.

Realization dawned on Jake's face as he glanced down at me, followed quickly by disappointment.

"No, Nessie, no, remember what I told you in the laundromat?" He asked, confusing me with his randomness. "It's not your fault. You can't think like that."

What he told me in the laundromat? What did that have anything to do with this? Was he purposely trying to combine two awkward situations into one just so he could leave me with a permanent blush?

"I don't know what you're talking about," I told him honestly, my lack of sleep catching up with me now. "I just love you and I miss you when you're gone and it hurts more than a little that you'd rather sleep on the hard floor than on the bed with me."

"You're going to be the death of me, Nessie, you know that?" He said, then realized he'd used the wrong phrase when I tensed. "But I never want to be anywhere besides with you, and if the only way to prove that to you is to stay with you, then I will."

"You will?" I asked, looking up at him with surprise that was interrupted by a yawn. "You promise?"

"Wolf's honor," he said, holding up two fingers. He rolled onto his side, taking me with him and I let him adjust me until I was curled into his chest, his arm thrown over me, closing me in.

I instinctively threw my leg over his and wrapped an arm around his waist, pulling myself closer. He smelled like smoke, but I could detect his scent underneath, lingering. I sighed contentedly and rubbed my face into his chest.

"Isn't this better, Jake?" I asked as my eyes fluttered closed of their own accord.

"Yeah, much better," he agreed.

I let the thrumming of his heart lull me to sleep, my own personal lullaby.

"Nessie?" Jacob asked a few minutes or hours or days or years later. "Earlier, outside you mentioned the smoke bothering you because you kept dreaming about burning. What was burning?"

I pressed my face more firmly against his chest, my lips warming pleasantly against his skin. The dream couldn't hurt me now, not while I was here with Jake – it was just a faraway, distant memory.

"My family," I mumbled, and teetered on the precipice of oblivion. "My family was burning."

* * *

**Coming up:**

I didn't understand the action. It wasn't like last night with the smoking, something I had seen before, just never in reality - this was an action I had no memory of, no recollection. I didn't understand the purpose of it.

Then Jake's head rolled back, his moan carrying clearly to me across the small space, and I understood.


	16. In Which Nessie Does Not Love Seth

**_A/N: _**Now, I'm not quite sure, but I _think_ this is the chapter y'all were waiting on. Let me know if I'm right. I'm really proud of this and the next two chapters, which you will be recieving before I leave. Please take into consideration that I'm working with absolutely no personal experience, so if anything's unrealistic let me know. Also, please note that this chapter **is much more graphic**. Everything is alluded to, but in case that bothers you, skip over it. I tried my best to be tasteful. I got a lot of reviews and PMs asking why Jake hasn't told Nessie yet, and you're about to find out why. I guess I'm just no good at hinting - I either give away too much or am so subtle no one notices it. Ah, well.

Dedication in the next chapter to whoever guesses what happened. Also, please don't forget to mention in your review if you want the list of completed chapter titles - I've got about thirty done so far. Also, don't hesitate to tell me how evil I am for leaving you hanging like that, but don't worry, the next chapter is coming soon. Also, don't hesitate to tell me I say 'also' too much.

**_Disclaimer:_** I do not own Jacob or Nessie, just the awkward things I make them do. I also don't own any Katy Perry songs or anything really except an overactive imagination, which came very much in handy with this chapter.

* * *

Chapter Sixteen: In Which Nessie Does Not Love Seth

* * *

_you're like an indian summer in the middle of winter  
__like a hard candy with a surprise center  
__how do i get better once i've had the best?_

_- katy perry, thinking of you_

-

I slept better that night than I had since we had been running, maybe even since before that. Though my nightmares couldn't return since Jacob was my nightmare kryptonite, he was unfortunately apparently (and a little obviously) a catalyst for my Jacob-dreams, which returned with full force. My subconscious was a little irritated – couldn't I get a reprieve from either? One night with a normal dream that made no sense that you forgot as soon as you woke up?

Apparently, I wasn't that lucky, though I couldn't really complain, even subconsciously, when dream-Jacob had me in such a wonderfully compromising position. Or rather, I had him in one. The scenes from my old Jacob dreams were gone – First Beach, his bedroom, the Rabbit, all gone. They were replaced by newer, ah . . . more current scenes: musty hotel rooms with no discerning characteristics and what was appearing to quickly become my favorite, the drivers' seat of the Porsche.

That's where dream-Jacob and I were now, the seat cranked all the way back just like I had pictured. I straddled his legs and a thrill like I had never felt before rushed through me, more realistic than ever as I held his head in my hands, running my fingers through his beautiful hair. Jacob's strong hands gripped just above my hips, his fingers sliding just underneath my t-shirt to the skin underneath.

He leaned towards me and my breath heightened, waiting, waiting – and he pressed a kiss to my neck, just above my collarbone. I sighed in desire but also a little disappointment; I wanted his lips on _mine_. I tried to pull his head upwards but he wouldn't budge, just chuckled against my jaw and placed another kiss underneath and whispered, "Patience, Nessie."

He kissed my neck slowly for what felt like an eternity, desire rushing through my veins like a drug. It was wonderful, amazing, but it wasn't enough. Jacob placed another kiss just under my ear, and I was jolted with surprise I felt his lips part and something warm and wet touch my skin: his tongue. I groaned loudly at the pleasure that coursed through my body, and was unable to restrain my hips from rocking forward.

"Jac-ob."

The word came out in two parts, my voice higher than normal and Jacob chuckled into my neck, touching his tongue lightly to my skin again and then, very gently, biting.

"Jac-ob!"

The dream, all of a sudden, changed. It took on a suddenly less realistic tone, the Jacob below me now not as substantial as before. It felt as if I was slowly waking up, the dream-Jacob fading as well as the Porsche that surrounded us. I felt colder than usual as I opened my eyes to the hotel room, morning light streaming in through the blinds and giving everything a half-lit glow.

I blushed as I remembered my dream, and turned my head to look at Jacob, hoping he would still be asleep but he wasn't there. Before I could panic, the shower cut on in the bathroom and I sighed in relief.

It was a good thing he wasn't here when I woke up, I wouldn't have been able to face him after – I shuddered with pleasure and embarrassment as I remembered my dream. I needed to calm myself down before Jacob got back out, so I turned over onto my back and concentrated on my breathing. I tried to let my hearing zone out, catch sounds I wouldn't normally hear unless I was concentrating.

I could hear the water running, obviously, but as I let it zone out I could hear the birds outside too, and the cars on the road several hundred yards away. I could hear someone opening or shutting their door a few rooms down from us and I could hear children flapping happily about somewhere a little further away. And then I heard something strange: a low, labored breathing, like someone trying to tolerate pain silently.

I focused on the sound, letting the other noises fade out and trying to discern the direction it came from. I was shocked when I realized how close it was, previously covered by the sound of . . . the shower?

I sat up in bed and my gaze went immediately to the bathroom door, something I generally tried to avoid. I was surprised to see the door was, not shut, but pulled almost all the way to a close. Jacob never left it like that, and both my curiosity and my worry were piqued. Was he hurt? It seemed just like him to try and hide it, even after our discussion last night (I blushed as I remembered it) about him talking to me about things.

I was standing in front of the bathroom door before I realized, but then was unsure of what to do. There was no mistaking it, the heavy breathing was Jacob and it was getting worse – was he crying? My heart stuttered as I considered the thought that Billy's illness was affecting him worse that he was showing.

What could I do? I couldn't just barge in there – what if, what if he wasn't dressed? Which, considering that the shower was on, that was a very likely possibility. But what if he wasn't in the shower? What if he just turned it on the cover up the sound? I had been known to do that several times in the past couple of weeks. I could knock and ask if he was all right, but no doubt he'd just lie and say he was fine.

I studied the small crack in the door and debated with myself. After a few seconds in which the sound became even more prominent, I made my decision. I would peek, just once, very quickly to discern the situation. If he was fine, I would go back to bed, pretend to be asleep and try to forget about it (even though I knew I wouldn't be able to). If he was hurt, or . . . or crying, I would go in. If he wasn't dressed, I would go back and knock first and let him know to cover because I was coming in anyway.

I tried to keep my heart rate normal as I leaned as silently as possible against the doorframe. Feeling slightly ashamed of myself but also as though there were no other option, I pressed my face carefully into the space between the door and its frame and looked.

Jacob was already in the shower, but thankfully though the steam hadn't yet permeated the room, it had fogged up the glass shower door within reason. I couldn't see anything but his outline, which made me feel less horrible, but not completely better. His posture was strange, but not that of a crying or injured person, that was for sure, so there was absolutely no reason for me not to turn right back around and return to bed.

I had absolutely no reason to continue looking.

I told myself it was to figure out why he was breathing like that, but that wasn't it. I told myself it was to figure out why his posture was so strange, but that wasn't it either. It was a pure, inexcusable invasion of someone's privacy, simply because I was frozen with lust.

The russet of his skin and the black of his hair were the only colors I could discern through the fog. I could see the long line of his back, curving down for miles only to swell out at his hips . . . I shook my head to attempt to clear the lust haze, but it hardly helped. I looked with curiosity at his arm, reached in front of him, as he moved it back and forth.

I didn't understand the action. It wasn't like last night with the smoking, something I had seen before, just never in reality – this was an action I had no memory of, no recollection. I didn't understand the purpose of it.

Then Jake's head rolled back, his moan carrying clearly to me across the small space, and I understood.

I definitely should have moved then. If I had any shred of decency in my body I should have gone straight back to bed and attempted to burn the memory of it from my mind, but apparently I didn't, because I stayed.

My stomach tightened like never before and my hand kept attempting to creep down my stomach and Jacob's arm was moving faster and even though I wasn't completely sure exactly on the how, I understood well enough the why.

I balled my fists resiliently at my sides, but I couldn't stop my thighs from rubbing together in an attempt to ease the tension. Jacob's whole body tightened, his movements faltering, losing their rhythm. I watched as his back arced beautifully, then it was as though his entire body had been drained of tension. He leaned forward, pressing his head against the shower wall, his posture screaming relief, as though he had just finished a race.

I was thrown back into reality when I saw the outline of Jacob's arm reach down to turn off the water. I flew back across the room and into the bed as silently as possible, burying my face into the pillows and willing my heart to calm down. Jacob might not have been able hear it over the shower, but he would when he came out and then he would _know _and – I stopped myself. I couldn't think about it. I had to calm down.

I felt entirely too awake to feign sleep, but I knew it was really my only shot at being as out of it as I was feeling without giving myself away. I heard the door creak open the rest of the way entirely too soon and watched through barely opened eyes as Jacob crossed the room to our bags in the corner in only a towel.

It was indecent – he shouldn't walk around like that. My hips pressed into the bed of their own accord as Jacob bent down to rifle through his backpack for clothes. I normally would have felt bad about not looking away, but was there really a point now? I'd already seen . . .

Jacob, of course, chose this moment to look over at me.

"Oh, Nessie, you're up," he stated, rather than asked, so figured I didn't have to reply. His cheeks tinged pink and I wondered if it was because he was thinking about it too. Not that he knew I was. "Been awake long?"

I shook my head, my cheek rubbing back and forth against the pillow. I hoped Jacob would brush this off as still-waking-up behavior, because I really didn't trust my voice.

"Okay, well, I was thinking we might as well stay here until the little pixie calls, so I'm gonna get dressed and then when you're up and ready we can go get something to eat, sound good?"

I nodded.

He took a small step towards the bed and I really, really hoped he didn't come any closer in that towel if I was expected to remain appropriate. "Are you – are you feeling any better?"

I really should have given him a verbal answer to help assure him, but I didn't think I could manage, so I just nodded again.

"Um . . . no more bad dreams?"

I blushed as I remembered the dream I did have. It could fall under the classification as bad, but I knew that wasn't what Jacob was talking about so I just shook my head again.

"Have you become a mute?" He asked teasingly.

I couldn't help but crack a smile and this seemed to be good enough for Jacob for now, because he left then to go change. I hopped out of bed the second I heard the door swing to and to the corner of the room that held my bag. I grabbed a pair of panties, a bra, a new t-shirt, and my jeans from the day before in record time. I wanted to be ready to walk into the bathroom the second Jacob walked out, and I was.

I whizzed past him as soon as he was out, and snapped the door shut quietly behind me. I turned on the water before I undressed to let it heat up, but mostly so Jacob wouldn't hear my labored breathing that I couldn't control now that I was out of his sight.

The hot water helped relax me, but not enough. My body was still aching for something I didn't understand – I wanted something but I wasn't sure what it was. Jake obviously knew how to fix his . . . problem, so why couldn't I fix mine? I doubted very much it was something you learned, it seemed to be natural, but . . . I wasn't sure.

I leaned back against the shower wall and as the hot water crashed over me, I tried to let my instincts take over. I let my hands slide down my stomach like they had been trying to do for weeks now, but stopped at the last minute. I couldn't. Not with Jake in the next room. The thought excited me as much as it terrified me, but no. I would deal with it.

I washed my hair and body at record speed and hopped out of the shower so I wouldn't be tempted. I pulled my clothes on after I had toweled off and attempted to dry my hair within reason. When I was done, I wrapped my panties tightly in my pajamas, and went back into the room with Jake.

Thankfully, he was dressed now and I felt a little awkward but mostly calmed down. He smiled at me when I came in and his cheeks were still a little pink so I started to think maybe it wasn't a blush, but maybe some reaction to . . . whatever it was.

"You ready?" He asked as I sat down on the floor by our bags and shoved my rolled up pajamas down to the very bottom of mine.

"I gotta put my hair up, then we can go," I told him, and as though my words reminded him he snapped a hair elastic from his wrist and reached to pull his hair back. I didn't look, since I knew the reaction my body would have.

"Why do you always pull it back?" Jacob asked me curiously, watching as I separated my hair into sections and began to attack the first one with the brush.

"Because it gets in the way," I explained, moving onto the second section. "The curls stay mostly under control if I wash it every day, but it's so long that it gets irritating if it's down."

"Oh."

"Why?" I asked, my curiosity piqued.

"No reason."

"Well, I've thought about cutting it a couple of times, but Dad would never let me," I told him and was struck by an idea. "Hey – why don't I do it now while Dad and Alice aren't here to kill me?"

"Why – why would you want to cut it?" He asked me quickly, looking a little worried. "You shouldn't cut it, you should leave it. It's nice."

"Really?" I asked, the idea appealing much less to me now.

"Yeah," Jacob said, looking down at his bare feet as he scrubbed them back and forth across the carpet.

"So, do you think I should leave it down?" I asked, curious for his answer. I liked this conversation, one that seemed to be much more awkward for him than it was for me for a change.

"You can wear it however you want."

"I know that," I told him, rolling my eyes and attacking the final section with my brush. "But which do _you_ think is nicer?"

"Down," he said, and smiled.

I snapped a hair elastic onto my wrist, just in case, and ran the brush through my hair a few more times, brushing it together and back from my face. I stood up and grabbed the black bag from the table.

"All right, let's go, I'm ready."

I knew I had made the right decision when Jacob grinned brightly at me and reached out to tug one of the curls at my waist. "You look nice."

"I always look nice," I said imperiously, crossing my arms and pretending to poke my nose in the air, but inside I was beaming.

"You're right," he told me, standing up and wrapping an arm around my shoulders. "Let's go."

"Wait," I said when he tried to step forward. "Um, Jake . . . ow."

His heavy arm, rested around my shoulder, pulled my hair. He looked at me concernedly, obviously confused.

"Just – just lift your arm for a second," I told him, and he complied. I gathered my mass of hair together and held it up above my neck, at which point Jake caught on and put his arm back. I let my hair drop back over his arm and felt his forearm tense weirdly. "_Now _we can go."

The rest of the day went pretty well. Alice called while we were eating and gave us three more days. It wasn't lost on me that the periods of time she was giving us kept getting shorter, but I didn't mention it to Jacob since he had enough to deal with as it was with Billy and protecting me. I tried not to think about what happened that morning, and mostly succeeded, but sometimes I slipped up and I would blush and Jacob would ask what was wrong.

After we ate, we went to a mall because Jacob said he needed some music to play in the car since everything on the radio "sucked". He bought about five CDs that were at least ten years old (older than me, but I tried not to think about it), and I looked but didn't find anything interesting. Their classical section was really under-stocked.

We wandered around the mall for awhile and Jacob bought himself a huge icy that promptly gave him brain freeze in two seconds, which left me holding it while he gripped his head until it thawed out. While I was getting consistently more used to human food, I still preferred sugar over the more healthy variety, so I slurped his slushie while he was incapacitated. I made sure I paced myself, though, so I didn't end up like him.

Jacob was more careful after that and paced himself too, but the drink was still gone within fifteen minutes, leaving the entire inside of his mouth green. I soon got bored of the mall, and Jacob was getting tired so he suggested we go back to the hotel and take a nap and then go see a movie later. I was excited about this idea, since I'd never been to a movie theater before, so I quickly agreed.

We drove past the cinema on the way back so we could see what was playing and the times. There wasn't really anything that looked particularly interesting, but I was just excited about the experience, so it didn't really matter to me.

"There's a werewolf movie," Jake said, grinning and nodded towards a billboard. "Wanna watch it and see if they got anything right?"

"They never do," I said, thinking about the first werewolf movie I'd see when I was little. I'd cried in terror until Mom came in and swept me up and explained that that wasn't how it worked at all, that none of my werewolf friends were monsters like that.

"Well, most of the stuff looks like it starts around seven, so we'll just come back around then and see from there."

I just nodded vaguely, my thoughts still on werewolves.

"Jacob?" I asked after a few moments. "What's it like to be a werewolf?"

Jake looked at me for a second, as though to discern whether or not I was joking. When he saw I wasn't, he turned thoughtful.

"Well, it's not so bad," he said, nodding. "It's pretty great, actually. I mean, there's a lot of responsibilities, but . . . I mean, you've got speed and strength and you heal super fast. And you don't age."

He was telling me things I already knew.

"I know all that stuff, Jake," I told him, shifting in my seat so I could face him. "I know what you _do_, but I want to know what it's like. Like, did you always know you were going to be a werewolf?"

"No," Jake said, shaking his head and for a minute he looked sad. "None of us knew until it happened."

"Until what happened?"

"Until the first time we phased."

I wasn't expecting that. To imagine, just all of a sudden turning into a giant wolf and not knowing why? You'd think you'd gone crazy.

"Was it scary?"

Jacob exhaled deeply through his mouth and tapped at the steering wheel. "Yeah – yeah, it was pretty scary."

"Did – did it hurt?"

He didn't answer, but I could tell from the way he flinched that it did.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Jake," I said, reaching out for his him.

He gave me his hand and let our arms fall onto the armrest. He squeezed my hand reassuringly.

"Hey, hey – it's fine," Jacob said soothingly. "I mean, it's something all of us go through, and look at us now. All of us are happy."

He smiled as though to prove his point.

"I know," I told him, something tugging at the back of my mind like an ache. "But I'm sorry that you had to hurt."

Jake gave me another smile then, smaller but more genuine.

"Is there anything you don't like?" I asked, unable to stop now that I had started.

"No," he said immediately. "I mean, I could do without having everybody in my head all the time, but I know it's necessary. Remember what I told you, Ness, I love my life."

I knew he was referring to the conversation that preceded The Event, but I ignored it.

"Have you ever . . . ever not loved your life?"

We were at our hotel now, and Jacob took his time getting out of the car, coming around to open my door, grabbing his bags. I waited until we were back inside and Jacob had locked the door, removed his shoes, and settled on the bed. I kicked mine off too and crawled across the bed to sit beside him, facing him as he leaned back against the headboard and fiddled with the remote.

"Jacob?"

"Yeah," he said, and it took me a second to realize he was answering my question and not reacting to me saying his name. "I've . . . not liked my life before."

"When?"

"A long time ago," Jacob said, and reached for my hand. He ran a thumb over the back of my palm and it felt nice. "When – back before you were born."

I didn't know what to say, so I settled for, "Oh."

"But you're happy now," I pressed a moment later.

"Oh, yeah," he said, his thumb still swirling patterns on my hand. "I'm very happy now."

"Some of the other wolves aren't, though," I said, and it wasn't a question.

"No," Jacob said, and didn't offer anything else.

And then, I asked the question that I think I might have been working up to all along and just hadn't realized it. I blurted it out before I could realize, and then it was too late to bring it back.

"Jacob, why don't you like Seth anymore?"

Jacob withdrew his hand and my stomach sunk. I didn't want to fight again so soon after we had gotten almost everything resolved. I didn't want Jacob to go back to sleeping on the floor. He moved his gaze to his lap and kept it there.

"I don't like anybody who hurts you, Ness," he said finally, but it still didn't make sense. What had Seth ever done to me?

"Seth – Seth never hurt me," was all I could say.

"You know he's got a girlfriend?" Jake asked abruptly.

Was that Jacob's problem? Did he not like Seth's . . . imprint?

"I – I know," I stuttered, not sure exactly what else to say. "I saw her at the wedding."

"They're pretty serious," he continued, giving me what I recognized as the waiting-for-the-breakdown look.

I was getting a little irritated now. Jake had phased more than once recently, so I knew he knew Seth had imprinted. He knew and yet he was still throwing around stupid words like "girlfriend" and "serious". Obviously, you'd be serious about your soul mate. I didn't appreciate him hiding things from me – or, or talking to me like I was stupid or bringing up irrelevant things when I was trying to ask him a question.

"I know," I said bluntly, cocking my head to the side. "Imprinting is pretty serious, don't you think?"

Jacob's eyes widened in shock. "Where did you hear that word?"

"I know what it means, Jacob, it's not just a word," I said, my tone a little scathing. "Seth explained it to me at the wedding."

"Did he explain everything to you?" Jacob asked, looking as though the answer was very important.

"Let's see: love-at-first-sight soul mate connection, check. Be whatever she wants you to be, check. Is there really anything else?"

"N-no," Jacob said, his voice strange. "And – and you're not upset?"

"Yes, I'm upset!" I exclaimed, and for a second Jake's face looked unbearably hurt so when I continued, it was a little gentler. "I'm upset that you never told me about this. It's obviously something very important to wolves, and you'd think as your _best friend_, you might have mentioned it. Soul mates, Jacob? That's kind of important."

"But – but you're not upset that Seth imprinted?"

"_Why_ would I be upset about that, Jacob?"

When Jacob finally spoke, his voice hopeful and sad at once, I thought I had misheard him.

"So – so you're not, you don't . . . love Seth?"

Love Seth? Of course I loved Seth. He was like my brother, he was actually my uncle, but I somehow didn't think that's what Jacob meant. Love Seth? Love Seth like what, like I love Jacob? The idea was almost laughable.

"Of course, I love Seth, Jacob," I said, and his face fell, became so hurt and hopeless that I knew that was what he had meant. I still wasn't sure why it upset him so much, though. "But – but I love Embry, too, and Quil and Sam and Collin and Brady."

Jacob looked like an enormous weight had been lifted from his chest. He breathed in deeply and slid down the bed until he was flat on his back. "You love him like you love Quil? Like you love Sam?"

"Yes," I told him, scooting so I could look over him. "I love him because he's family and I've known him my whole life and he's a good person, but . . . but I don't love him like _that_, Jacob."

Jacob laughed then, a deep barking sound that reverberated off the walls of the hotel room.

I was, once again, confused. Did Jacob hate Seth because he thought . . . that I _loved_ him, and he knew that he had imprinted and could never be with me? That it would only cause me hurt? Was Jacob's strange, stupid misconception the root of all his dislike for someone who was once his friend? I had to know.

"Why would you even think that?"

Jacob didn't seem to hear me. He was still chuckling to himself, grinning like a fool which I didn't understand because this was no time for him to be funny or happy or anything but explaining to me why he didn't tell me about imprinting sooner.

I inhaled deeply, preparing myself to attempt the best Alpha voice I could manage.

"Jacob Black, tell me right now how you got it into your thick head that I was in love with Seth Clearwater and then you can explain to me why you never told me about imprinting."

Jacob stopped abruptly then, his eyes snapping back to me as though he had just remembered I was there.

"You – you kept asking about him," he said, his eyes wide like he was remembering something painful. "And you danced with him at the wedding – "

"I asked about him because I was worried and I danced with him because he was a groomsman!"

" – and that day at the house, Seth picked you up and spun you and you were laughing – and – and that day in my room, I asked you if it was a boy and you said 'just one'."

Jake stopped as though he had realized something and I couldn't say anything. I was too frozen with shock.

Seth? Jacob thought I was talking about Seth? Even – even after what happened just after, even after I had showed him –

"Who is it, then?"

Jake's voice brought me back into reality. I heard the question, but I didn't understand it. "What?"

"'Just one', you said. 'Just one'. And it's not Seth, so who is it?"

What did he want me to do, say it? Just out loud like that?

"Were you – were you even there that day, Jacob?"

"Of course I was," he said, and then his voice got Alpha-hard. "Just answer the question."

"Why should I?" I challenged. "You won't answer mine. I asked you, 'Were you even there that day, Jacob?', because if you were or if you had been paying any attention at all, we wouldn't be having this conversation!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Tell me, then, Jacob," I demanded, my voice taking on a slightly crazed tone. I couldn't believe what I was asking. "Tell me what happened that day."

Jacob pushed himself back up into a sitting position and his eyes flashed something I didn't recognize. It was like anger and sadness and hurt and possession and love all mixed together.

"I explained to you what was wrong, and you said just-fucking-one and then you read my mind – "

"I _what_?" I nearly-shouted.

That didn't even make any sense. _Nothing_ made _any_ sense.

"You heard me!" He boomed back. "That's why you ran, wasn't it? Because you read my mind and saw – "

"I'm not Edward, Jacob!" I exclaimed, the first thing that came into my mind. "I'm not my dad, I can't read people's minds. You know what I can do!"

I held my palms up at him for emphasis, and he just stared at them as though he'd never seem them before.

"You – you didn't read my mind?" He asked disbelievingly, to which I shook my head fiercely. "Why did you run, then?"

I finally asked a question that had been lurking in my mind since the first mention of this subject. My voice wasn't loud anymore, though. I didn't feel like screaming. "What did you see, Jacob?"

The silence ached in my ears as I waited for Jacob's answer.

"You," he finally said, his voice rough and rumbling in his chest. "And me."

I could hardly believe myself when I said, "On your bed?"

His eyes darkened, a thousand emotions still swirling around inside them, and he nodded.

"I – I didn't read your mind, Jacob."

Jacob's face went blank, and I was sure he was remembering that day, trying to piece things together. I thought he would finally get it, was steeling myself for it, but when he spoke it took me by surprise.

"Who is it?"

"Why didn't you tell me about imprinting?" I shot back.

"Tell me who it is, Renesmee," Jacob said, his Alpha voice making my spine shiver but not enough to make me obey.

"Tell me why you didn't tell me about imprinting!" I screamed. "You didn't think it was important, Jacob? You didn't think I should be prepared for when you found your soul mate and had to run off and leave me? Huh, Jacob? Answer me!"

"I already imprinted."

My heart stopped. Literally stopped for a beat and then stuttered back to life. I could feel everything falling apart, I could feel my heart splitting in two. This was it, it was over. Why was he even still here? Didn't he feel the compulsion to be with her? When did this happen? What was he doing, keeping me safe until trouble was over and he could get back to La Push to be with his soul mate? His fucking imprint?

I felt Jacob's arms around me and I fought against them. It wasn't like last night, when I pushed and he stood his ground until I gave in. No, I fought him. With every single bit of strength I had. I kicked and pushed but he was bigger and stronger and sooner than not he had me pinned against the bed, each of my arms pinned to the side of my head with one of his hands. I struggled and tried to squirm, but he had me in an iron tight grip.

What did he want from me? For me to say "congrats, Jake, can I be bridesmaid"? Didn't he get it by now? I loved his stupid ass. I loved him more than any other goddamn thing in the whole goddamn world. I couldn't breathe without him, I couldn't see without him, I couldn't even think and there it was, my last shred of hope gone and what the fuck was I supposed to do? How the fuck was I supposed to live without him?

"Nessie," he whispered, and every single ounce of fight went out of me at the sound of my name.

What else was there? What was the point? I couldn't fight against fate, against true-fucking-love. I couldn't fight against Jacob's happiness. I closed my eyes and went limp under him. I could feel his entire body pressed flush against mine and unbelievably, desire rose up in me. I beat it back brutally. Jake wasn't mine to want anymore.

"Nessie, look at me," Jacob pleaded, but the Alpha-tone was underlying. It had less affect on me now. Was that because I relinquished my hold on him, my possession? "Nessie, goddamn it, _please_ look at me."

I tried then, because even though Jake wasn't mine anymore, my wolf, my Alpha, he was still the man I loved more than anything and I couldn't stand to hear the pleading in his voice. My eyelids fluttered open, a thousand pounds heavy, but I couldn't make out his shape through the tears I hadn't even felt rise up.

I felt Jacob release one of my wrists but I left it where it was – what else would I do with it? – and felt his warm thumb brush away the tears just like he had done last night. It did no good though, because his touch sent an ache through me like I couldn't believe, and new tears rushed to the surface.

I blinked rapidly, forcing the tears out of the corners of my eyes until I could see Jacob's face. I didn't know something so beautiful could be so painful. He let the hand that he used to wipe away my tears slide down the side of my face and back, lifting my head until it was resting on top of it. I guess he trusted me not to start fighting again, because he released my other wrist too and used that hand to caress the side of my face.

"W-who is she?"

I don't know why I asked. Morbid curiosity, I guess, but I had to know. As sure as I needed oxygen, water, and Jacob to live, I knew I needed to know this. I needed to figure the difference. I remembered how Grandpa Carlisle taught me differences when I was really little: it was subtraction. You took her, subtracted me and what was left was the difference. What I needed. What I didn't have.

Jacob just stared at me for what felt like a long time, like he was trying to figure something out. He needed to tell me when he did, because as things stood, I understood nothing.

"Don't you know?" He asked, like it was some kind of sick guessing game.

"No, Jacob, I don't know," I said, and if I had any energy left in me at all, my tone might have been angry, but as it was it just sounded sad.

Instead of answering my question, Jake decided I needed a little more torture before the final hurrah, so he leaned his face down closer to mine until I could taste his breathe on my tongue, and it was like every dream I ever had except my heart was split in half. My breath quickened as he slid his warm cheek across mine, then dragged his hot lips back across until they nearly reached the corner of my mouth.

My hands moved almost of their own accord to grip Jacob's biceps, just to have something to hold on to, to keep me tethered to earth. What was he doing? _How _was he doing this? The way Seth made it sound, you couldn't even think of anyone but her.

I was nearly panting when I felt Jacob's lips part, millimeters from mine, and whisper, "How can you not know?"

It was obvious now – Jacob was just trying to kill me. I realized then that I didn't care. Whatever he wanted to do to me before he left me for this imprint-girl was fine with me. I hoped he drove me literally insane with pleasure before he left so I wouldn't even be able to remember why my heart was broken.

His lips started their course back down my cheek and continued down to my neck, and I could feel my body reaching, straining towards his, but he had me pinned so tightly there was nowhere to move, even to get closer. I nearly fainted when I felt his lips part again, wider than before, and kiss. Just below my ear. Gently, softly, and I could actually feel the moisture from the inside of his lips on my skin and I was going to _die_.

I felt Jacob's lips trace back upwards and was surprised when they stopped at my ear. His breath tickled the sensitive skin there, but there was no laughter in me. I felt him inhale, I think I could actually feel his vocal cords tensing, preparing for speech.

I still wasn't prepared when he whispered roughly into my ear, "There's never been anyone else."

I didn't understand what that meant. I couldn't understand what that meant. Anyone else meaning who? Any one else besides _who_?

Jacob's face pulled back to read mine, and I studied his, honest and so full of love and I tried to find the truth there, what he was trying to tell me. His heart pounded in his chest, pressed against mine, and they thrummed in tandem. How could there ever be anyone else?

And then the phone rang.

It was on its second ring before Jacob's eyes widened and he leapt off of me. I tried, with my boneless arms, to pull him back but he was too fast. I realized a second late the problem. Alice had already called today - this morning felt so far away in my brain, weeks and not hours - and promised us three days. She should had no reason to call again unless something was wrong.

Jacob found the phone in record time, flashing it to his ear. I realized with something that would have been embarrassment or shame at a different time that the reason I could hear the air on the other line was because I had raised the volume on the phone when Jacob wasn't looking.

"Oh, Jacob," I heard Alice's voice say gently, and had to strain to hear. "I'm so sorry."

"Sorr -" Jacob started, and then his face crashed with a horrible realization. "When?"

* * *

**Coming up:**

"Show me something," Jacob said after awhile, his voice coming out shaky and muffled against my chest. "Show me something good."

I let my fingers dance lightly across his cheek, trying to swiftly wipe away the tears there without being obvious. I could feel my love, overpowering and overwhelming, escaping to him in small tendrils as my fingertips skimmed his face. I wasn't embarrassed. I didn't care anymore - if there was a shot at it helping Jacob right now, it was worth the humiliation and awkwardness later.

"What do you want to see?"


	17. In Which Fifteen Seconds Remain

**_A/N: _**Hey, hey - couldn't leave you guys hanging for too long. This is the second to the last chapter you'll get before I leave, so please make sure you mention it in your review if you want **the chapter list**. I really love this chapter and I got to explore an emotional side of Jacob that we don't see often and when we do, is rarely done right. I really enjoy the bonding and writing in this chapter too, so please let me know what you think.

I got fourteen reviews for the last chapter, and that actually broke my record, so thank you everyone.

**_Disclaimer:_** I don't own Twilight or the Goo-Goo Dolls, just an unhealthy obsession with words. Sorry about that.

**_Dedication: _**This chapter is dedicated to **Drowning In Shallow Water-**, **Chateau**, **crystal464**, **sf93**, and **ChampionShoes**, who got it right - in that order. Thank you to everyone else who reviewed also - all y'all rock.

* * *

Chapter Seventeen: In Which Fifteen Seconds Remain

* * *

_and all i can taste is this moment  
__and all i can breathe is your light  
__and sooner or later it's over  
__i just don't wanna miss you tonight_

_- the goo-goo dolls, iris_

-

"In fifteen seconds. Oh, Jacob, I'm so sorry."

"How – how can you see? Is he alone?"

"Charlie and Sue are with him," Alice's voice said softly, and then I understood.

"Okay," Jacob said, and shut off the phone.

Jacob crossed the room as if in a trance and sat numbly on the edge of the bed. I scrambled up in my boneless body to sit beside him. I had no words for this.

I knew when it had been fifteen seconds because Jacob's entire body slumped, his face wiping blank of whatever little emotion had been left. He let his head fall into his hands like it suddenly weighed a thousand pounds and he bent at the waist until his head and arms were parallel with his knees.

Oh, poor Billy. Oh, poor Jacob.

I tried to say his name a couple of times, but my voice stuck in my throat. Emotions were swirling inside me at top speed, making me dizzy. Grief for Billy, who I loved so much. Pain, since Jacob's pain was mine and he was very obviously hurting. Guilt, unbearable and thick, because the only reason Billy's son wasn't there to hold his hand as he slipped away was because he was here with me, protecting me from something I probably deserved. And love, the strongest of all, swirling around and enveloping all the other feelings, wriggling in between them and making its own space. My love for Jacob stretched my heart until it felt as though it would burst.

I knew what Jacob needed. I knew _who_ Jacob needed. But I honestly had no idea who she was and chances were she was hours away at the best. I couldn't bring myself to ask him again, but I knew in my heart that if I had known, I would have called her and asked her to come without hesitation. I guess love worked like that. I could hardly even feel my own pain now, though I knew it would come back later, sharp and fresh. All I could think about was Jacob, who needed someone. Needed . . . me?

We were stuck here alone, hundreds of miles from anyone we knew, so I would have to do. I knew I was a poor substitute for a soul mate, but best friend had to count for something, right? I felt frozen, my joints and throat locked up, as though the only part of me alive was my heart, thrumming with too much love. I had to get over it though – for Jacob.

With the greatest effort I think I ever exerted, I managed to unstick my throat. My voice was small and very child-like, and I suddenly felt much too young for such things, but I managed get out a quiet, "Jacob?"

Nothing in his posture changed, no sign gave that he heard me or that he was even alive. I couldn't pretend to know how Jacob felt, couldn't pretend to empathize – me, with my family who were virtually indestructible, surrounded my immortality. I didn't know what it was like to be an . . . an orphan.

"Jacob," I said again, my voice a little stronger but still very childish. "Jacob, please look at me."

Jacob lifted his head then, but didn't look at me. He stared straight ahead at the blinds and let out a long, shaky breath. My hands fluttered at my sides for a second before I made up my mind and placed a hand on his shoulder, rubbing soothingly.

"I'm so sorry, Jacob, and I know that doesn't help, but I am. Tell me what you need and I'll do it, I swear."

"Just – just stay with me," Jacob said, his voice a rough whisper, and looked at me. The grief on his face made me want to cry. "Just please stay with me."

"Forever," I told him honestly. "I'll stay with you forever if that's what you need. Here, lay down with me."

I pulled on his arm gently and he easily relented, letting me guide him back onto the bed. My first instinct was to lie like we always did, with me curled around his side, but it felt wrong. Jacob was always protecting me, but now I needed to protect him, even if the only thing I could protect him from was himself.

I scooted into the middle of the bed and lay flat on my back until my head was resting against the pillows. Jacob relented easier than he ever had when I pulled him gently to lay with me, against my side. I rested his head against my breast and I was able to cradle his head in my arms, a very maternal gesture that did not feel at all maternal with Jacob.

Jacob threw an arm around my waist, pulling himself tight against me and burying his face in my shirt, our normal positions reversed. He threaded a long leg through mine, winding us even closer together and let out another shaky exhale that I could feel through my clothes.

I wasn't sure what to do, so I just ran my fingernails lightly over his scalp, enjoying the feeling of his soft hair between my fingers. I caressed his face gently every so often and everything was silent for awhile. I would have thought Jacob went to sleep if it weren't for the rattling breath he let out every few minutes, breaths that were consistently getting worse and closer together. Every time he would do this, my mouth would automatically fall to place a kiss on the top of his head, the only small comfort I could give.

Finally, after an indiscernible amount of time, Jacob gave two of these breaths together, one after the other. Then another, then another. He gripped my waist tighter than ever and turned his head, burying his face into the place where the top of my arm met my shoulder. He was breathing nothing but these harsh breaths now, his body literally shaking with the effort. I knew what was happening, what was coming, but I couldn't face it. I wasn't sure I knew how.

And then I felt it: the warmth that fell gently onto my bare arm, onto my shirt and quickly soaked through. Tears. Jacob was crying. I had never seen Jacob cry before. Just the thought of him being in so much pain made me want to burst into tears of my own but I restrained myself.

My first reaction was the standard, to shush him gently, tell him not to cry, but I didn't do that. As much as I abhorred the thought of Jacob crying, as much as it tore holes in my stomach to think about, to feel the tears on my arm and running down . . . I knew that if I asked Jacob to stop, he would. He would bottle it up and put a stopper in it and stop, and that was wrong. Wrong of me, and wrong of him. I knew he needed this.

"Shh," I whispered, trying to keep my voice steady and calm, to make sure my tone conveyed that this _shh_ wasn't one to be taken literally. "It's all right, Jake, everything's going to be all right. Just cry, it's okay, everything's going to be just fine."

He did for a while, and I just clutched his head as tightly as I dared and rubbed soothingly in any place I could reach. I shh'd and hummed and whispered _it's okay, it's all right_'s that I knew weren't true, until I felt Jacob's lips part and he let out a deep sound I recognized as a sob and my insides wrenched apart.

"Oh, Jake. Oh, my Jacob, I'm so sorry," I whispered urgently into his ear. "I'm so sorry, honey, I wish I could fix it for you, I wish I could. I'm so sorry, my love."

I was rambling. I wasn't making any sense, and I wasn't _trying _to. This was how Mom used to whisper into my ear when I cried, generally over something much more stupid than this, but it was all the same. She whispered nonsense things into my ear that did nothing but assured me that she loved me until I felt strong enough to sit up and dry my eyes.

Each of Jacob's sobs was like a knife into my chest, but I forced myself to stay relaxed and calm, something for him to fall into, mold himself against and forget. I stroked his hair and kissed his head. I twined our legs more tightly together, pulling him even closer, even more on top of me.

After awhile Jacob's sobs quieted down, then disappeared altogether into the silent tears from before. The right side of my t-shirt was soaked almost through, but it didn't bother me. I wasn't worried about being appropriate now, and I'm sure Jacob wasn't noticing.

"Show me something," Jacob said after awhile, his voice coming out shaky and muffled against my chest. "Show me something good."

I let my fingers dance lightly across his cheek, trying to swiftly wipe away the tears there without being obvious. I could feel my love, overpowering and overwhelming, escaping to him in small tendrils as my fingertips skimmed his face. I wasn't embarrassed. I didn't care anymore – if there was a shot at it helping Jacob right now, it was worth the humiliation and awkwardness later.

"What do you want to see?" I asked, honestly curious. I wasn't sure what would help him best.

"Show me you," he whispered, taking me by surprise. "Show me things that make you happy."

I knew I was past dishonesty and evasion, tiptoeing around the truth and calling it editing. Honestly, at this time, I think my filter was completely gone. I was incapable of editing, especially with my gift, the least controllable form of communication of them all.

"Are you sure?"

"Please, Nessie," he said, and I had no other choice. I never did.

I started off slow, showing him vague and irrelevant things. I showed him how I felt about strawberry ice cream and elk's blood, about classical music and even a few of his stupid rap songs that I had grown to like, if only because they were liked by him. I showed him how I felt about Forks when it rained, which was always, happy and homelike and lying in the sand on First Beach.

I showed him green and blue, all different shades and textures and scents that intrigued me, maple syrup and aftershave and forest leaves and pine needles and October. I showed him warm hardwood floors and the way russet fur felt underneath my fingers. I showed him how it felt when he held my hand, when he rubbed his thumb back and forth across my palm. I showed him the room when he smiled, how everything got a little brighter.

I showed him how I felt when he hugged me the day of the wedding, the relief and the happiness and the love and I showed him us wrestling on the forest floor. I showed him himself and Aunt Rose bickering and playing X-box and racing to Canada and a small handmade braided bracelet that I'd had as long as I could remember.

I showed him and showed him and showed him until I ran out of pictures and emotions. There was only one left – to leave it out would be editing and it was the best of them all, the thing that made me most happy in this world. I showed him how it felt to sleep curled up against him, how he kept the nightmares away, how much I loved him though I wasn't sure if he'd be able to discern exactly how. I showed him how stable he felt underneath me when I slept, my anchor, my wolf protector. My Alpha. My Jacob.

My Jacob.

My arm shook as the final burst of love shoved through, pushed itself forcefully through the connection between us and my hand dropped to the side. I had nothing else to show him. I wasn't sure if it were hours or days but I had shown him every little thing that had ever brought me joy: family, friends, the smallest and most trivial things and the most tantamount things.

Jacob's body shook and my heart sunk as I thought that he was still crying, that I hadn't helped at all. But there were no more tears, and his breath was ragged but not harsh. Maybe the connection had drained him as much as it had me. I hoped more than anything that I had, at the very least, helped him forget for an hour or so.

"Nessie," he whispered hoarsely, and I had never loved my name so much. "Nessie, that was – I – thank you."

"You're welcome, Jake," I told him, kissing the top of his head. "You're more than welcome. I'd do anything for you, you should know that, and this is nothing."

"I miss Billy," he told me then, and my heart ached for him. "I've been months without seeing him before, and I never really made much time to be around him when I was home, but I miss him so much right now that it hurts."

"I'm so sorry, Jake, I really am."

"But at least he's with my mom now, you know?" Jacob said softly into my shirt and I could feel his lips on my skin through the fabric. "Or I guess he is. I hope. He loved her so much."

"Of course he is, Jacob," I assured him. I wasn't lying, I believed it in my very core. "Now Billy and your Mom can be together again. Like they were meant to be. Can you imagine how happy they are? Just imagine."

"I can't," he said quietly, and my heart sank. "I can't imagine how amazing it would feel to be with – with that person you were meant to be with. I can't even imagine it."

I didn't really understand. I had the distinct feeling we weren't talking about Billy anymore, but I wasn't sure how this situation was supposed to apply to Jacob. Did his . . . imprint not want him? How could she reject him? How could anyone reject him?

"Why not?"

"I think I would explode from joy from just thinking about it." And then, as though to make up for it, "I love you, Nessie."

My heart swelled and shriveled simultaneously at those words.

"I love you too, Jake."

"More than you'll ever know."

What was he on about? Before I could ask, Jake was shifting, moving until he was sitting up, his back to me. I wanted to crawl up behind him and wrap my arms around him, but I knew he wanted a moment to wipe his face before he looked at me. I could respect that.

I watched his hands reach up to wipe his tears and I wished more than ever that I could do it for him. I would kiss them away if I had to, take each salty tear in with my lips, if it were that easy to swallow his pain away. When he finally turned back to me, looking me in the face for the first time since the first tear fell, his face was pink and his eyes were still red, but there were no more tears. He still was beautiful beyond imagination.

He laid back down over me, a little higher than before, and propped himself up on one elbow. Our faces were inches apart and I had to force myself to concentrate.

"Thank you, Nessie," Jacob said, so sincerely it made my heart ache. "Thank you so much. And I'm so sorry for losing it like that, but thank you for helping me like you did. I've – I've never had anyone – "

"What?" I asked in disbelief. "Hold you while you cry?"

His cheeks went a little pinker and he shook his head. "No. Not since, well . . . not since my mom."

"You've done it for me thousands of time, Jacob," I pressed, needing him to not be embarrassed about this, about needing me.

"It's different."

"Why?"

"Well, you're a girl. When you get upset, you cry," he explained. "Guys don't."

"There's nothing wrong with it, Jacob," I promised, reaching a hand up to rub his chest gently. "It's perfectly fine. Let me ask you this: when you hold me when I cry, when you rock me until I stop and feel better, how does it make you feel?"

"Amazing," he answered immediately, but I was the one who blushed.

"Why?"

"Because I love you," he answered, again without hesitation. "And it makes me feel . . . good when I help you, when you need me for something. That I can make you feel better when you're sad makes me proud that you love me and trust me that much."

I couldn't help but smile. I couldn't help but love him so goddamn much it made my stomach hurt.

"It's the same for me," I explained. "Probably even more so because you never need me for anything."

In the next heartbeat, Jacob had pressed his cheek against mine. His skin was flaming hot, his usual temperature raised from his recent exertion, and I gasped.

"I always need you, Nessie. Every second of every minute of every hour of every day."

He nuzzled his face against mine then, pressing his too-hot face into the space where my face met my neck and for a second I forgot how to breathe. I instinctively leaned in towards him, but our position wouldn't allow me to reach, my lips just grazing under his ear, strands of his hair falling into my face. I didn't understand, I didn't care – if this was some weird, coping-with-grief thing, then I was going to let him have it. Anything for Jake, right?

"W-why?"

"Because you're amazing," Jacob whispered, his nose leaving a trail of fire in its wake as he slid it up and down my neck. "Look at what you just did, Ness. You've never seen me like that before, I just completely lost it and you still knew what to do. You didn't freak out or anything - you're just, you're literally the best, most beautiful, smartest – you're perfect, and I just – _damn it_!"

Jake rolled off of me with a groan, throwing an arm over his face as he fell back onto the bed. I was still gasping from pleasure and shock and it took me a few seconds before my brain caught up with the situation.

"Jake?"

"God, Nessie, I wish you could read my mind."

"But I can't," I pressed, sure he ought to believe me by now. "I've already told you – "

"No, just so you'd know – I can't believe it's so hard to just _tell_ you – ugh!"

I tried to control my heart. I surely was going to have a heart attack now, soon. It was inevitable. Someone whose heart was as erratic as this just didn't go on to live a long and happy life.

"You can tell me, Jacob," I urged, crawling to Jacob's side and touching the arm covering his eyes tentatively. "Listen, anything you want to tell me, I – I'll always be your friend, Jake, even when it's hard. I'll – I'll be whatever you want, and I just want you to be happy. If she's what you need – "

"She?" Jacob asked suddenly, lifting his arm just enough to peek at me. "Ness, there is no she."

"But your – your imprint – "

Jacob sat abruptly up, sending me flying back to avoid collision, but he caught me easily. His large hands gripped my waist firmly, catching me, but didn't let me go once I was secure. He pulled me to him, closer and closer until I had to my throw one of my legs over his, pulled me until I was straddling him, sitting in his lap.

My arms went automatically to his shoulders, wrapping around them and Jake pulled me impossibly closer and desire rose up inside me and I didn't understand and I didn't care because I had Jacob right now and that was all that mattered. I refused to think about later.

"Nessie, I have something important to tell you," Jacob whispered, and I could hear his heart hammering. His and mine seemed to be trying to compete for speed. "And I want you to know that I don't want you to ever feel obligated, or – or do anything you don't want to. Nothing has to change. I'll be happy as long as I'm near you, but if you – if you don't want _that_ either, then as soon as this trouble's clear, I'll leave you – "

"Jacob," I interrupted, my voice high with panic. "What're you talking about? I always want you, you have to know that, you can't – "

"Just listen, Ness, okay?" He asked, his eyes so wide and brown and honest.

I nodded and made a conscious effort not to arch my back when Jacob let his hands run up and down my waist. I waited, but Jake didn't say anything for awhile, just continued to run his hands along my sides, looking down at the space between us instead of at me as though he were still thinking about what to say.

Jacob caught me off guard when he squeezed my waist gently in his large hands, and I couldn't resist arching my back into his touch. Jake's eyes widened and I was sure I had done it, crossed some invisible barrier that meant I had ruined everything, but he just turned pink and looked back away.

"Um . . . maybe I shouldn't have . . . could you get up, Ness?"

I turned red and I fought back tears that were fighting towards the surface at my rejection, but climbed quickly out of his lap anyway. Jake caught my hand and tugged me back closer when I tried to scoot farther away, keeping my hand in his even after I complied.

"I'm sorry, Nessie, don't be upset. It's nothing to do with you. I just, I need to tell you something and it's better . . . for you, I think, if we're like this."

"Okay, Jacob," I said, getting worried now. "Just – just tell me."

"Like I said, this doesn't have to change anything. I always want what's best for you, and I just, I want – you have to know – I told you I imprinted, right?"

I nodded numbly. Obviously, I knew that. Did he forget the little incident in which he was forced to pin me to the bed less than eight hours ago?

"Okay, um . . . I thought you might have put it together yourself after you talked to – to Seth, but you didn't. And then you asked who, and I – I always thought about how I would say this but it never really compared to – to –"

"Just spit it out, Jacob, please," I pleaded weakly. "I'm dying over here."

Jacob looked at me for a long moment, his eyes open and searching as though he were trying to see my reaction to what he was about to say before he said it. I could have literally gotten lost in his dark brown eyes if my heart wasn't doing the conga through my chest. He opened his mouth, then closed it again and I just when I thought I couldn't take another second of anticipation –

"It's you, Ness."

* * *

**Coming up:**

"Do you love me, Jacob?" I blurted, louder than I probably should've. Jake squeezed my fingers almost painfully tight.

"You know I do."

"How do you love me?" I demanded, a little gentler this time. I gazed directly into Jake's eyes, knowing the truth would come from them before I heard it from his mouth. "Do you love me like - like Quil loves Claire?"

Jacob swallowed tightly and his eyes searched my face in a way that made me self-conscious.

Finally he whispered hoarsely, "I used to."

Oh, God.

"And - and now?"


	18. In Which Nessie Loves Jacob

**_A/N: _**Okay, y'all - this is goodbye. I'm leaving on the tenth and won't be back until mid-June so this is your last update for awhile. I'm going to try and update a few times, but I can't promise anything. I'm going to Libya (if anyone cares) to visit the other half of my family like I do every year, so I'm excited about that. I am _not_ abandoning _Hands on Me_. I have a little more than thirty chapters done already and am planning to finish it and start on _Undeniable_ (Jake's story) while I'm gone.

You guys have been amazing! _Hands on Me_ got more than 1500 views for April alone and we're only eight days in! I'm leaving you with a not very big cliffhanger and in a very happy place, so maybe you won't kill me. Please, please, please place me on alert so you won't forget about me and will know when I get back! If anyone still wants to ask about chapter lists, you can, but I'm not sure I'll be able to get them to you if it's after today. I hope you're happy where I'm leaving Jake and Nessie for now.

So God willing, if I make it back healthily, I'll see you again soon. Masalama.

**_Disclaimer: _**I don't own anything except an old laptop and a plane ticket to Tripoli. And about two suitcases of gifts. Say a prayer I get there safely.

**_Dedication: _**This chapter is dedication to every person who ever read or reviewed a chapter of _Hands on Me_. Y'all are ridiculous, in the best way possible. I love you all so much. Special mention to **Gina.N.B**, **edwardisaputz**, **Akicks**, and **BookRead** for being particularly awesome, not that you all aren't. Thank you, thank you, a thousand times thank you.

* * *

Chapter Eighteen: In Which Nessie Loves Jacob Like Nessie Loves Jacob

* * *

_and i'd give up forever to touch you  
_'_cause i know that you feel me somehow  
__you're the closest to heaven that i'll ever be  
__and i don't wanna go home right now_

_- the goo-goo dolls, iris_

-

"What?"

Wait – _what_?

Jacob looked like he wanted to look away, but he kept his gaze firmly on me. He looked more vulnerable than I had ever seen him, but even this couldn't penetrate my shock-filled-confusion haze now.

"I – I imprinted on you, Nessie," he said quietly, his voice sounding entirely too small to be coming from such a large person.

"What – Jacob, I don't – _when_?"

"The – the first time I saw you – I thought Seth explained it? - I imprinted the first time I saw you, Ness – the day you were born."

I didn't think anything. I didn't feel anything. I had imagined different variations of this conversation a million times and it never went like this. I – I didn't _believe_ it. Something tugged on my memory, pictures swimming vague and elusive on the edges.

"You had to have known, Ness," Jacob urged, and reached for my hand, which I let him take. My brain felt sluggish, slow. "There was only ever you, from the first time I laid eyes on you. There was never anyone else."

It didn't make sense – except it did. I had to know, though. I had to be sure before I allowed myself to hope.

"Jacob, is this – please don't be joking – "

"Renesmee Cullen, look at me," Jacob ordered, and I felt that pull in my stomach and realized I was back to having no choice. I obeyed gladly. "I would _never_ joke about this. I'm completely serious, and I understand if you don't – don't feel the same. I just had to tell you."

"That you imprinted on me?" I asked, needing more proof.

"Yes. I – I couldn't keep it from you anymore."

"You – you imprinted on me like Sam imprinted on Emily, and Jared with Kim, and . . . "

I trailed off. This couldn't be happening. I couldn't wrap my brain around it.

"Yes," Jake said, nodding emphatically. "Yes, Nessie, exactly the same."

"Do you love me, Jacob?" I blurted, louder than I probably should've. Jake squeezed my fingers almost painfully tight.

"You know I do."

"How do you love me?" I demanded, a little gentler this time. I gazed directly into Jake's eyes, knowing the truth would come from them before I heard it from his mouth. "Do you love me like – like Quil loves Claire?"

Jacob swallowed tightly and his eyes searched my face in a way that made me self-conscious.

Finally he whispered hoarsely, "I used to."

Oh, God.

"And – and now?"

"And now . . . I love you like – like Sam loves Emily."

It felt as though I was being opened up, taken apart, then seamlessly put back together again. I felt like I was flying yet I was more firmly rooted to the ground than I had ever been. A thousand pieces flew together and the picture formed with a crystal clarity that causes blindness if you stare for too long.

Everything made sense. I understood. Everything.

For all the time I had spent being confused and not understanding and wondering and theorizing, I now understood perfectly. There was me and Jacob, together. And then nothing else. And then everything else. With us at the center.

Jacob loved me. He _loved_ me. Like I loved him. Like I hoped and prayed and cried and dreamed about. He always had – I was made for him, his fitting piece, his soul mate, his . . . imprint.

I was Jacob's imprint.

He _was_ my Alpha all along. My life mate, my Jacob. _My Jacob_. Completely, emphatically, in every conceivable sense of the word.

"Nessie?" Jacob asked nervously, bringing me back to earth.

It was like I had never heard his voice before, like I had had cotton in my ears. Of course I had never heard his voice before, because what other excuse would I have for not hearing it? Not hearing the overpowering, overwhelming love that saturated every syllable?

"Nessie, you don't – I understand if you don't feel the same – if you don't – want me, like that. I – "

What was he talking about? Didn't he understand? Wasn't it clear, clearer than clear?

"I love you, Jacob," I stated, and if I was a full human Jacob would have broken my fingers with the pressure he was exerting on them now.

"I know, Nessie, I know," he whispered, and his face crumpled. It was worse than when he got off the phone with Alice, it was worse than I had ever seen him. "I know you do. And – and nothing has to change –"

"No!" I exclaimed, cutting him off, unable to watch his face anymore.

I crawled quickly into his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him close. Jacob looked surprised but not unwilling and his hands reached up to grip my waist. I leaned in and kissed his right cheek gently, then his left, and let my cheek linger against his warm skin.

How couldn't he know? How could he be unsure? I wanted to tell him, but the words stuck in my throat, so I settled for kissing his face until my voice returned. I brushed my lips along the corners of his eyes and his forehead, down the sides of his cheekbones and down to his neck. Jacob's grip on me tightened and my love for him swelled, swelled until I felt as though I would burst.

I placed a final kiss on his chin, and pulled away to look him directly in the eye. I don't know why it was so hard to say.

"I love you . . . like Emily loves Sam," I whispered finally.

Jacob's eyes widened and his hands slid up my sides, around to the outside of my arms and up to rest on my shoulders. His left slid up into my hair and the other wrapped gently around the back of my neck, anchoring me, holding me down, keeping me close

"Nessie . . ." Jacob gasped, his breath coming out in pants. "Are you sure?"

"More than that," I elaborated, parting my lips so I could feel the heat bursting from his mouth on my tongue. "More than Emily loves Sam. I love you like Nessie loves Jacob."

Jacob's eyes fluttered closed and his mouth fell a little wider open. His hands tightened their grip and he pulled me closer. My body strained towards him, my heart strained towards him, every fiber of my being ached for more closeness.

Jacob leaned forward until our noses were almost brushing and inhaled deeply through his mouth before his eyes slowly opened again. He looked like the sun had risen across his face.

"I – I can't believe you – how long - ?"

"Months," I whispered quickly back, to save him some rambling. "I've _known_ for months at least, but it's always been there, I think. I just never realized."

Jacob let out another gasping breath and his mouth seemed to want to reach forward, but he checked himself. He let the hand in my hair creep slowly further up, his long fingers threading through the curls like they belonged there.

"Months . . . "

"Why didn't you ever tell me?" I asked.

"I wanted you to choose – to choose without anything forcing your hand," Jacob told me quietly. "I didn't want you to feel obligated."

"I choose you," I whispered honestly, and my heart expanded with joy at being able to say it. "I choose you, Jacob."

Jacob let his head fall onto my shoulder at my words, his entire body relaxing. He lifted his head slowly back up after a few moments, tracing back up my neck and across my cheek with his nose. My knees tightened around Jake's waist of their own accord and my hands found their way into up into his hair. I had never wanted him so badly.

When he reached the end of his little trail, his nose ending its path when it brushed the tip of mine, he looked at me again. No, into me was a more correct term, as cheesy as it sounds. I stared into his eyes and I felt like he could see everything.

With a great jolt, Jacob leaned back and rolled over onto his stomach, pinning me underneath him. As much as I enjoyed being in his lap, I couldn't say it was better. He lay between my parted legs, not on top of them like before, and it was very different. Jacob's face hovered inches above mine and his gorgeous black hair fell in curtains around us.

"I – I want to kiss you, Ness," he said, and my heart stopped. No, exploded. My heart exploded.

It took me a few seconds to catch my breath, longer than it would have if his brown eyes weren't piercing me like they were now. Still, my voice came out very breathy when I whispered, "Then kiss me, Jacob."

He leaned forward slowly, extremely slowly, like in every one of my dreams, except this was different. This was real. This Jacob wouldn't dissipate the instant before his lips reached mine. I tried to control my panting breaths as Jacob's lips hovered inches above me, but I couldn't.

Jacob leaned forward another inch and our lips brushed. My senses went into overdrive. This was a feeling I had never experienced before. I had felt Jacob's lips, but not like this. Not against mine. My lips parted of their own volition and then Jacob's were there. He caught my bottom lip between his own, and very softly, kissed.

His lips were dry and warm and I felt like I had come home and gone to heaven in the same instant. I could have stayed like that, unmoving, all night, but Jacob just pulled gently away and back to look at me.

"Was that your first kiss?" Jacob asked quietly, a question he very obviously knew the answer to, but I had no problem saying it.

"My very first," I whispered, and then was struck with a realization. I wasn't stupid enough to think this was Jacob's first kiss, and I wasn't going to think about who came before me now, but I felt suddenly unconfident. "Was it . . . okay?"

Jacob gave a sigh and leaned back down to kiss the very edge of my mouth gently. "You're perfect."

As I felt his lips make contact with my skin again, just millimeters away from where I wanted him, I was struck with a jolt of boldness and desire in equal parts. I turned my head and by a stroke of grace uncommon to me, I managed to catch one of Jacob's lips perfectly between mine. I kissed, a little less gently than he had, but still soft and the sound Jake made into my mouth made it hard to keep from pressing my hips forward into him.

Jacob lowered a little more of his weight onto me as he threaded his hands through my hair, one of my small palms reaching up to hook around the back of his neck and the other resting against his chest. I felt Jacob's lips moving a little more insistently against mine, trying to achieve dominance, and I yielded. I didn't know what I was doing; it felt good to be led.

I closed my eyes and gave myself into the feelings, the emotions, and the amazing sensation of Jacob's lips against mine. He was kissing me slowly, kissing once and pulling away, small individual kisses that left my head spinning. Each kiss grew steadily longer, the spaces of time in between them smaller and smaller until he didn't pull back at all. My pulse started increasing and my desire grew stronger than I thought was possible, my lips started moving a little more forcefully against Jacob's and my tongue seemed to not want to stay in its place in my mouth, but to reach forward, to touch. To taste Jacob's lips that I had already felt so thoroughly.

Jacob pulled back from me then and I let out a sound that was a disturbing cross between a whine and a moan. He dipped his head and placed a kiss into the hollow of my neck, the underside of my jaw, just under my ear. I made the half-whining sound again and tried to pull him back up towards me but he wouldn't budge and I felt my frustration build.

"God, Nessie, you're so perfect it's unreal," he said into the crook of my neck, right where my t-shirt ended. His breath on my skin made me shiver almost violently and I knew he felt it because his body tightened. "I could do this all night, but we have to stop now."

"What?" I asked breathlessly, panic spreading like wildfire. "What – why?"

"Because this is all new to you and we have to take it slow," Jacob said, his head lifting to look down at me. "I don't want to rush you."

Relief spread through me as I caught his meaning, but it still left more than a little disappointment behind. I didn't want to stop.

"I want to rush," I whispered, my body straining upward to meet him, my lips trying to capture his again. "I want – I want you, Jacob."

"You have me, Ness," Jake told me, and I saw the happiness that filled his face at my words. "You have every single bit of me, forever, or for as long as you want. But this is enough for tonight."

I guess my pleading eyes were too much for Jacob because he leaned in and gave me one last kiss, as gentle as our first, but pulled swiftly away.

"Let's lay down, Nessie," Jacob said, which I was okay with as long as Jake would be with me. I would skydive without a parachute if Jake would be with me. "It's been a long day."

I nodded and Jacob rolled off of me and onto all fours so he could pull back the covers on the bed. To my delight, he crawled under with me, pulling me snugly into his chest and dropping a kiss onto the top of my head.

"I don't think I could stay away from you tonight," Jacob told me quietly, and I looked up to better see his face. "But I'm not sure we should sleep like this anymore from now on."

"Why?" I demanded.

We weren't going to start this again, were we? Not when we were just figuring everything out?

"It's just, things are different now," Jake explained, his voice unbearably sweet to my ears even if the words didn't agree with me. "And I don't want to make you uncomfortable or feel like I'm pushing you towards something."

"I loved you last night and we slept together," I said, scooting myself up a littler further so my face was closer to Jacob's. "The only difference now is that I'm so happy I could scream. Why is that bad?"

"Really?" Jacob asked, his voice cracking a little. "Are you really happy?"

I scooted up a few more inches and pressed my face into Jacob's warm neck, inhaling deeply. I kissed the junction where his neck met his shoulder gently and I felt him tense against me.

"I've never been happier," I whispered into his russet skin, and kissed again.

Jake let out a strange sound and pulled me gently back and down into his chest. I pillowed my head on his huge arm and snuggled closer, doing my best to obey Jacob since it was clear he wanted me to stop. I knew he didn't really want to either, so I tried not to let it get to me.

"I'm so happy," Jake whispered finally. "I'm so happy that you're happy. I can't believe you turned such a horrible night into something so amazing."

I remembered Billy with a start.

"Oh Jacob – are, are you okay?" I asked, honestly worried. Was it disrespectful of us to have done this tonight, the night of Billy's death? "Should we – should I not have - ?"

"Shh, Ness," Jake comforted, rubbing a warm hand up and down my arm. "It's okay, don't freak out. Billy – Billy knew, and he loved you. He would be happy. He would be happy that we're so happy."

"Okay," I relented, not completely sure how I felt about it.

Sadness over Billy's passing was warring with incandescent happiness inside me, and I tried to force them to coexist to no avail. Wasn't that how it worked? You could be happy over something while you were sad over something else, right? Was that disrespectful? It wasn't wrong, was it? Was it wrong that I felt as though I could sing from happiness over my love with Jacob? Was it wrong that at the same time I wanted to cry over Billy? They had to be able to exist together. It didn't make any sense otherwise.

Today had been long. I couldn't remember the last time I slept – almost twenty hours, at least. I had gone from semi-contentment to overwhelming sadness to grief to boundless happiness and I was drained. I wasn't sure what tomorrow would bring; all I knew was that Jacob was mine, like I wanted, forever. I couldn't really think beyond the moment. What else are you supposed to think about when you've found your soul mate?

I really wished my Mom was here. I'd like to tell her. I knew she'd be happy for me. Dad would too, even though he would act like he wasn't at first. Even Aunt Rose wouldn't mind that much – I saw the way she embraced Jacob the night we left. She loved him, though she'd rather be turned to ashes than admit it. You just couldn't spend seven years with someone, especially someone as amazing as Jacob, and not love them. You would have to be heartless – in the metaphorical sense of the word, of course.

How could anybody not love Jacob?

* * *

**Coming up****:**

Mexican food, growling, new uses for the Porsche, trying, funerals, closure, COPS, singing, The Peaceable Agreement of 2010, hickeys, teasing, Alpha-games, undressing, talking, discovering, blood, hair, a girl named Morgan, a movie theater, trying new things, accidental transporting, guilt, bubblegum, rap music, dancing, scents, sensations, discussing of the shower incident, agreements, disagreements, phasing, The Talk, why wolves imprint, the history of Bella and Jacob, first dates, cross-dressing, pizza persuasion, and love. Lots of love.

Oh yeah, and - Jacob and Nessie.


	19. In Which There are Congratulations

**A/N: **Ah - is it a bird? Is it a plane? No - it's an _update_! Yes, really, it is. If anybody's still out there, let me just ramble on for a bit before you get to your story. Or you could just skip over this, whatever.

First things first, remember those two suitcases of gifts? If you do, kudos, you were really paying attention. Anyway, stolen. Yeah - outside the Libyan embassy in London. From the locked trunk of a Benz. Why? Because yours truly didn't check the expiration date on her Libyan passport and got to London to find it expired. Yes. In my defense, I didn't think anyone issued a passport that expired in two years. I mean, my American one is from back when I was twelve and I don't have to renew it until next year! But I digress.

Anyway, lost all the gifts for my family and a lot of my stuff but I'm here and I'm safe so I can't complain. Thank God. I've been running around with my aunts and taking Qur'an memorization classes, so that's the bulk of my time. Qur'an memorization is _hard_. But it's all good - even if I have to replenish my entire underwear and scarf collection - that just means lots of shopping.

Okay, now onto the story, which I'm sure is the only thing you care about: I just finished Chapter 36 last night and I had an epiphany two days ago about the ending, which was a huge blank spot for me up until then, so that's cleared up. I think we're looking at about 50 chapters, but you can never tell. Things always end up much longer or much shorter than I was originally counting on. This story, for instance.

I'm thinking on starting Jake's story soon, too. I'm still playing with _Undeniable _for a title, but if anyone has any good ideas they could PM me or mention it in a review. If I decided to use it, you'd get full credit of course.

Now, here's where you need to listen: we are hereto journeying into uncharted territory. Not particularly in this chapter, but in the next one and all those after it. I am not writing from personal experience, but from my insane imagination, so I don't know how realistic anything will be. I also have a fear of the overly-romantic, so I'm erring on the side of caution. Please let me know if it starts to get stupid or weird.

And now that I've broken my own record for longest **A/N** ever, let the reading of _Hands on Me_ begin. (P.S., I'm expecting hella reviews. I missed y'all.)

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the Twilight universe or even most of my own possessions anymore. I also don't own any Ashlee Simpson songs, just the little giggle I give to myself whenever I remember she let her husband name her baby Bronx Mowgli. Somebody was channeling Stephanie Meyer.

**Dedication: **This chapter is dedicated to anybody who still comes back to read and review this story. I love y'all.

* * *

Chapter Nineteen: In Which There are Congratulations

* * *

_it seems like i can finally rest my head on something real  
i like the way that feels_

_- ashlee simpson, pieces of me_

-

I opened my eyes after waking up from the best dream I'd ever had to see that the light filtering in through the window was much brighter than it should have been. I closed my eyes against the unwelcome intrusion and stretched lazily, wishing I could drift back off into my dream but knowing I was too far awake now.

My heart leapt when my stretching brought me in contact with warm skin: Jacob's arm. I had had the most wonderful dream. I dreamt Jacob told me that I was his imprint, that he loved me like Sam loved Emily, and then he kissed me – a first even in my dreams. It had all felt so real.

I felt shifting beside me and I tried to push thoughts of my dream away to no avail. Jake was awake. I felt him roll over and a warm finger trace itself along my cheekbone.

"You 'bout ready to get up, Ness?"

That was strange. His voice – it was different; it was exactly like the voice of my dream-Jacob. Like my ears had been cleared and I was only now beginning to hear the full beauty of it, the love running through every letter. Was that an effect of the dream? Had it awoken something in my subconscious?

I felt the heat radiating from Jake's body grow warmer as he moved closer, and then I felt his breath against my ear.

"Good morning, Nessie," he whispered, and then I felt his lips touch my neck.

My eyes flew open.

"Jacob?"

Jake chuckled softly against my neck and kissed again, a little lower down. "No, the other guy in bed with you."

Blood rushed into my heart and my emotions soared.

"Jacob, was that – was last night – real?"

I felt Jacob's fingers reach up and grasp my chin, pulling my head to the side to face him. He was beautiful and our faces were inches apart.

"Yes," he whispered, the hand on my chin slipping back to rub the nape of my neck. "I can barely believe it myself, but yes."

I felt it all over again as it came rushing back, all too clear to have been a dream. My heart was so light I wouldn't have been able to feel it at all if it weren't so full of love. Jacob was _mine_. I smiled brilliantly, my lips stretching as far as they would go, my cheeks pushed to their limits, and it still wasn't enough. I needed to sing. I needed to dance. I needed to kiss him.

Jacob grinned lazily back at me, his fingers pressing alternately into the back of my neck, creating a pleasant and soothing rhythm. I rolled quickly onto my side and we were pressed together; one of my hands snaked up to weave through his hair and the other found purchase on his t-shirt.

"Good morning, Jacob," I almost-whispered, not sure why of all the things to say this is what I said.

Jake smiled and asked me, "Did you sleep well?"

"Better than I ever have," I said honestly. "How long have you been up?"

"A few hours," he said. Then, when my mouth gaped a little, "I was watching you sleep."

I blushed at that. Watching me sleep?

"How boring."

"Not really," Jake argued. "It's more entertaining than anything on TV."

I rolled my eyes a little and rested my head against his chest. "Whatever, Jacob."

"Anyway, I was waiting for you to wake up: I need to go phase," Jake informed me, and I didn't have to ask why. My joyful heart ached for Billy, guilt and grief tingeing the perfect glow of everything. "Of course, you're coming with me, but I wasn't sure if you wanted to shower and change first."

I looked up at him. "What are you going to do?"

"Well, I'm going to wait until after, but that's because I'm going to be phasing and laying on the ground," he told me. "I like to shower after I phase anyway, and it doesn't make sense to do it twice."

I sat up slowly, feeling a little weak from lying down for so long, and I felt Jacob's hand jump to the small of my back to steady me. I stretched again, and my hair fell into Jake's face as my head tilted back.

"I'll wait too, then," I decided, crawling to the edge of the bed and getting down. "Just let me brush my hair so I don't look like a cavewoman."

I grabbed the brush from the table by the bed and started attacking my mane of hair immediately, not bothering to sit since I wanted to stretch my legs.

"Prettiest cavewoman I ever saw," Jacob said, making me blush again, as he too sat up and swung his long legs over to sit on the edge of the bed.

"Thanks," I mumbled, letting a freshly brushed lock of hair obstruct my face so he wouldn't see how pink it was.

I felt a little self-conscious as Jacob watched me brush my hair, though I wasn't sure why. I flipped all my hair back when it was tangle-free and ran the brush through it one more time. I cast my eyes around for a hair elastic, and I guess Jacob guessed what I needed because the next thing he said was, "Here."

I looked up to see him pull a hair tie from his hair, which fell around to frame the sides of his face as soon as it was free. He must have pulled it back while I was sleeping, because I remembered last night how his hair had fallen in curtains around us, blocking out everything but his face. He offered the small black band to me and I accepted, pink-faced I'm sure, and twisted my hair up into a quick bun and secured it.

We both slipped on our shoes, then Jake wrapped an arm around my shoulders like always, except this time I reached up and grasped the hand that dangled on the side of my arm in my own. I grabbed the black bag from where it sat on the chair and then we were out the door.

There were woods near this hotel too, something Jacob had begun to search for once Billy had fallen sick, to make it easier for him to phase more frequently. We only walked a mile in this time and as had now become routine, once Jacob had assured there was no one around for awhile, he released me. I made myself comfortable on the ground, not worrying about dirtying my clothes since I'd been wearing them for the last twenty-four hours anyway.

Jake didn't pull off his shirt and toss it to me like he usually did, just walked off to a rather large tree a few feet away, fully dressed. I heard his shirt and jeans hit the ground, and then felt the air move as Jake grew, expanded.

He trotted out a second later, in all his wolf glory, and sat down in a Sphinx-like position beside me. I rolled my eyes and pat my leg at him like he was a puppy, which he actually was right now. "Come on, Jake!"

The russet wolf's muzzle pulled back to reveal a razor sharp row of gleaming white teeth, teeth even vampire skin didn't stand a chance against, and his tongue lolled out of his huge head: a smile. Wolf-Jacob threw his head heavily into my lap, and I reached to scratch behind his ears as always as he grew quiet and I knew he had sunk into communication with the pack.

Wolf-Jacob whimpered a few times, and I knew he must be seeing and hearing things that were hard for him. I stopped scratching and petted his head soothingly every time he made one of those sounds, though I doubt it helped.

I usually didn't interrupt Jacob during these meetings, but I felt I needed to say something so I chose a moment when he seemed particularly calm and whispered, "Tell everyone I love them, that I miss them and that I'm so sorry." Wolf-Jacob didn't give any outward sign that he heard me, but I knew he did and knew that if he heard then the pack would know.

After awhile, wolf-Jacob stood without any warning and trotted back off to the trees. He returned to my peripheral vision less than twenty seconds later, still pulling his shirt over his head. I was already pushing myself up but Jake grabbed me up the rest of the way and hugged me tightly. He didn't hold me for long, just a quick hug, and then he released me, throwing an arm back over my shoulder like always.

I reached up to take Jacob's hand like I had before, and his fingers wrapped securely around mine.

"Are you okay?" I asked, to which he nodded, so I continued, "How is everyone?"

"They're – upset," he told me truthfully, squeezing my fingers a little tighter. "But okay. They say they love you too, and – and congratulations."

"Congratulations?" I asked, puzzled. "For what?"

The corners of Jacob's mouth twitched and he glanced down at me from the corner of his eye. His pace was relaxed now, his face pensive but content. He brought our entwined hands up to my face, and I stared blankly for a moment before I understood. Then, of course, I blushed.

"Oh," I said, taken slightly aback. Of course they would know, since they were inside Jacob's head. They would know _everything_. "Really?"

"Yeah," Jacob answered. "They're inside my head, so of course they – and they already know how amazing it is. They're really happy for . . . us."

"I am too," I said quietly and Jacob smiled brightly down at me. "Who else was, um . . . phased?"

"Quil and Seth. Leah dropped in for a second, but she wasn't . . . feeling up to talking."

"Oh," I said again, for lack of anything else.

"Rachel is pretty tore up, but she's got Paul, so . . ."

"How's Grandpa Charlie?"

The fact that Jake hesitated all but answered my question. "He's . . . upset, but dealing. Sue is helping a lot, and they're spending a lot of time down at La Push at Seth's house."

I didn't have anything to say, so I stayed silent.

"The funeral's tomorrow," Jake said finally, and I knew he'd been wanting to say this since he phased back. "Seth said he would phase and watch from the forest if I . . . I wanted to be there."

"Oh, Jacob," I said, halting.

Jake was forced to stop after he ran out of arm unless he wanted to drag me, which he would never do. "I'm fine, Nessie, really."

I guess I didn't look convinced, because he took a few steps back until he was standing directly in front of me. I was forced to look up to see his face.

"I'm better than fine, Ness, I swear," he said, and I could tell from his eyes that he wasn't lying. "You – you don't know how much it helps . . . having you."

Jacob lifted the hand he had in his grasp to his lips and kissed it. My knees went weak at the feel of his lips, but I managed to stay upright. He brought our still joined hands back down and tugged my arm gently, urging me on and I complied.

We arrived back at the hotel in no time and Jake said I should have the shower first since I took longest and though I was worried about leaving him to his own thoughts for too long, I grabbed my backpack anyway and headed to the bathroom. I washed my hair and body quickly, shaving my underarms and legs with a complimentary razor I found on the sink.

I was soon out of the shower, dry and dressed in my bra and panties and faced with a strange dilemma. What to wear? I had never really put that much thought into it before, but now it seemed important. I wanted Jake to think I looked nice. All of my clothes were literally identical except for the colors and designs, but it still seemed like an issue.

I pulled on the black jeans, since they were my favorite and examined my remaining clean shirts with more scrutiny than was strictly necessary. I finally decided on a Mountain Dew shirt that had caught my eye in the store because I'd seen Jake drinking it once, and besides, I liked green anyway. I toweled my hair until it was barely damp, my curls tame today since I used a lot of conditioner.

I studied my reflection in the mirror as I tried to finger-comb my hair before I went out, since the hairbrush was in there with Jake. Like he'd never seen my hair messed up before. I cocked my head to the side as though seeing from a different angle would help, but it didn't. I looked exactly the same. Nothing was different. You'd think there would have to be a physical manifestation of happiness this extreme.

My fingers did little in leeway of untangling my hair, so I just stuffed my dirty clothes into my bag and went out to see Jake. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, and I went to sit on the floor at his feet, grabbing the brush from the table as I went.

"Shower's yours, Jake," I informed him, unable to keep from smiling at him like a fool.

Jake acted as though he hadn't heard me, watching with interest as I followed my usual pattern and grabbed a section of hair and attacked it with the brush.

"Can I do it?" He asked suddenly, startling me.

"Do what?"

Jake's cheeks turned pink, and I would have thought he was blushing if I didn't know better. "Um . . . brush your hair for you."

"Sure," I said, for some reason liking the idea more than I thought I really should. "If you want to."

Jake gave me a small smile and slid gracefully off the bed and onto the floor beside me. I situated myself in front of him and handed him the brush, a small shock of electricity bursting when our fingers touched.

"Do I have to separate it like you do?" He asked from behind me, his voice close to my ear.

"You don't have to, it just makes it easier," I told him. "Don't be scared, Jake, it's not rocket science."

I reached back and touched his knee to show him I was joking. Not with my gift, just my touch. Normal.

"Tell me if I hurt you," Jacob warned, and I nodded.

It took him nearly twice as long as it would have taken me, but I wasn't complaining. He brushed my hair gently, his body tensing and apologizing every time he snagged a tangle. When he was finally done, he ran the brush through a few times like I always did, brushing it all back then gathered it in his hands and pulled it to one side to let it hang over my shoulder. I shivered almost violently when he pressed a kiss to the nape of my neck, letting his lips linger before he whispered into my ear, "All done, Ness."

He got up then and left for the shower, leaving me to melt uselessly into a puddle on the floor. I scooted back a little and rested my back against the bed, desire thrumming in my veins like a pulse. I was just collecting myself when I heard Jacob's voice call me.

"Yeah?" I called back.

"I forgot my bag – can you put me some clothes outside the door?"

"Sure, sure!" I called back, and a few seconds later the shower cut on.

I was secretly a little pleased with this request. It meant I got to dress Jacob how I wanted today. I rummaged through his bag in search of the clothes I wanted and quickly found them and placed them outside the bathroom door. I was careful not let my eyes linger towards the gap in the door since I was known to be unable to resist such temptation.

I laid down sideways on the bed and threw my mane of curls over the edge to dangle down. The tips just brushed the floor. I told myself it would help them dry the rest of the way better, but in reality it was just to have something to do that kept my head in the exact opposite direction of the open bathroom door.

The shower finally cut off and a few moments later I heard Jake laugh out loud as he saw his clothes. I don't know why he found it so funny.

"Tell me, Ness," Jake's voice said a few moments later, growing closer. "What's the deal with you and this shirt?"

Something black and soft flung over my eyes and I pulled it quickly off, recognizing it as the shirt I had chosen. I looked up to see Jacob, upside down, but still gorgeous in blue jeans and nothing else. I flipped myself over in record speed and flung the black shirt with the wolf insignia on the front back at him.

"I – I just like it," I stuttered, not feeling very eloquent when faced with a shower-fresh, blue jean-clad Jacob who was still toweling his damp hair. My throat went dry as my eyes followed the trail of his muscles down his stomach, to the sharp lines at his hips that curved downward past where I could see . . .

"But what's so special about it?" Jacob asked, tossing the towel he had been using on his hair to the ground and shaking out the shirt to examine it.

I knew he was referring to the excitement I had when I first saw it at the store. Just because I had a tiny, miniscule, atom-sized fit of ridiculous happiness didn't mean he got to pick on me forever. I just liked the shirt. On him.

"It reflects the beast within, I guess," I joked back, hoping he would take it at that. "You don't have to wear it if you don't like it."

"No, I like it," Jake pressed, slipping his arms into it before he pulled it over his head. "Especially if you do. It's just that you were so happy when you saw it in the store and you grin like a fool every time I wear it. And then you picked it out today."

"It looks nice," I offered, a little lamely. "And it fits good."

Fit good it did. It wasn't tight by any means, but it hugged his shape so nicely that I almost wasn't sad to see his muscles go if it meant I got to look at him like this. There were always his arms, anyway. You couldn't hide the muscles in them if you tried.

Jake's face turned a little pink again and he leaned down to pick up the brush he had left on the floor by the bed. I watched with as much interest as Jake had watched me when he ran it through his hair. Of course, it only took him about three strokes since his hair was so short compared with mine, but I found it was the same with watching Jake pull his hair back. I liked it. I was beginning to think I had a serious thing for Jake's hair.

"Yours is cool, too," he said a second later after he had set the hairbrush back on the table. "I like Mountain Dew."

"I know," I mumbled, and felt my face blush.

Jake grinned then, and I averted my gaze.

"You ready to head out?" He asked a second later, and I looked to see him stuffing his dirty clothes back into his bag. "We've been here two nights, so I really think we should move on to somewhere new."

"Whatever you want, Jake," I agreed, hopping up to help him gather the rest of our stuff. "I don't care where we go as long as I'm with you."

We said stuff like this to each other all the time, but now it was different. I felt shy to say things like that to Jacob now. I hope it passed. Jake surprised me by reaching out to catch my hand and squeeze it quickly.

"Me either," he told me and smiled. "It's just safer."

"Well," I said, straightening back up to survey the room for any forgotten possessions. "Then let's go."

We checked out of the hotel and were back on the road in ten minutes. Jacob flipped through the radio for a few minutes and was obviously unable to find anything that interested him because he shut it off with a disgusted sound and leaned back against his chair.

"Didn't you buy some CDs?" I asked, since I was a sucker and couldn't stand to see Jacob unhappy about anything.

"Oh, yeah!" He exclaimed, obviously having forgotten. "Can you get them? They're in the backseat."

I got up on my knees and crawled up onto the console between the seats, wrapping one arm around the neck rest of my chair for support as I leaned into the back. I grabbed the plastic bag easily and swung back into my seat. Jake's face was strangely pink again when I offered the bag out to him.

"Erm . . . thanks," he said, not looking at me. "You pick one."

I rolled my eyes, knowing nothing in the bag would interest me in the slightest. I pulled out a few of the CDs and studied them.

"Let's see," I said, in faux-interest. "This one has a guy with tattoos on his neck and his pants to his knees, this one has a girl wearing what I assume must be a bathing suit but would probably get her arrested for public indecency, and _this one_ has a guy blowing smoke rings and counting money. Decisions, decisions."

Jake rolled his eyes and reached to take the CDs away from me, but I turned my back to him and scooted as far away in the small car as I could manage.

"Come on, Nessie, that stupid mall didn't have any good rock music, I looked – "

"This one," I interrupted, pulling the plastic swiftly off the first CD and handing it to him. "I like his underwear."

"What?" Jacob asked, actually looking alarmed.

I had to laugh at his expression. He was so cute.

"I'm just playing, Jake," I said. "He looks stupid."

He didn't reply but I saw his body visibly relax at my words as he popped the CD into the player. He checked the case and flipped to the track of what must be a song he knew. The pounding beat soon filled the car. I tried to tune out the lyrics, most of which I didn't understand, not because of the speed since my half-vampire hearing helped with that, but the slang. It was almost like listening to a song in a foreign language.

Jake tapped the steering wheel and nodded his head to the beat, watching me surreptitiously from the corner of his eye.

"Why do you like this music?" I asked about halfway through the song, having to nearly shout to be heard. I was honestly curious.

Jacob turned the radio quickly down until it was background noise and shrugged.

"I like some of the songs mostly for the beat," he said, and then smiled to himself. "I listen to it less than you think. I just turn it on when you're around because it bugs you and it's fun to hear you complain. And in the store, there was literally no good rock music, and these were really the only CDs I recognized. I had them a long time ago when they came out."

I shoved his shoulder playfully when he mentioned listening to it just to annoy me. Typical Jake.

"It's good dance music," he added as an afterthought.

"Since when do you dance?" I asked.

"I don't really," he shrugged. "I'm just saying."

"You were good at the wedding," I blurted before my brain could stop me.

He smiled, but it was a shy smile, small.

"I was just happy to have you that close after not seeing you for that long," he admitted, looking at me but avoiding my eyes. "Sorry for scaring you by dipping you like that."

"You didn't scare me," I said quietly, not able to be properly angry about him assuming I was scared since my brain was still stuck on the first part of his sentence. "Why did you, though?"

"Um . . ." He started, giving me a wary look. "Don't laugh, okay? I saw Seth dip you and you were smiling and I . . . I got jealous."

I was . . . touched.

"Aw, Jake, that's sweet," I said, reaching over and taking his hand. I waited a second until Jacob's eyes had returned to the road before I leaned down it kissed it like he had kissed mine. "But you had no reason to be."

Jacob swallowed tightly, and I felt . . . powerful, to be able to elicit that sort of reaction from him. My stomach clenched pleasantly. He finally said quietly, "I know that now."

My mouth was apparently having one of those days where it decided it was going to be in control because the next thing I said was, "I wanted to kill that stupid blonde girl in Wal-Mart."

"What?"

"That – that girl who asked you if – if her bikini was too _small_."

I cringed with anger and left over insecurity at the memory and Jacob squeezed my hand.

"Don't ever worry, Nessie," Jake assured me. "If you hadn't mentioned she was blonde, I wouldn't have even remembered that much. I . . . I don't see anybody but you."

My stomach good-ached at his words and warmth spread to the very tips of my fingers. I wanted to tell him that I didn't see anyone else either, but I felt too shy to say it aloud. I used my gift to show him a picture of the guy that day in the laundromat, let him see the scene through my eyes. The confusion and indifference at the man and the overpowering love when Jacob appeared at my side.

Jacob's hand tightened around mine and I looked up to see him biting his lip. My eyes focused in on his white teeth and how amazing they looked in contrast with his dark skin. Now that I knew how those lips felt, how they could move against mine, how they could make me feel – I was envious of his teeth.

Jacob pulled his hand quickly from mine and flipped his turn signal, swerving the car faster than was strictly necessary or safe. I realized a second too late that I must not have closed the connection between Jake and I as well as I thought. He must have felt the emotions, the lust at the very least and my fantasy of catching his lips between my teeth at the most.

My heart stuttered into overdrive as Jake snatched onto the shoulder of the road and cut the engine. Was he angry? It only took one look at Jacob's eyes when he turned to face me to know this wasn't the case. I had seen that look before a thousand times, but never in real life.

Jacob's eyes were black.

* * *

**Coming up:**

"Yeah," he said, raising his eyebrows in turn at mine. "Why, is that surprising?"

"A little," I confessed.

"Think about it, Ness," he said, squeezing my hand absently. "I'm twenty-four. I lost any and all interest I may have had in dating when you were born - that was seven years ago. I was seventeen then, and I just never . . . never had."

That made sense. Something else didn't, though.

"But you've kissed someone before," I stated. It wasn't a question.

Jacob swallowed tightly and looked out the window, but to his credit, kept his hand in mine.

"Yeah, yeah I have."

!-- /* Font Definitions */ font-face {font-family:"Cambria Math"; panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:1; mso-generic-font-family:roman; mso-font-format:other; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:0 0 0 0 0 0;} /* Style Definitions */ , , {mso-style-unhide:no; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; margin:0cm; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";} .MsoChpDefault {mso-style-type:export-only; mso-default-props:yes; font-size:10.0pt; mso-ansi-font-size:10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt;} page Section1 {size:612.0pt 792.0pt; margin:72.0pt 90.0pt 72.0pt 90.0pt; mso-header-margin:36.0pt; mso-footer-margin:36.0pt; mso-paper-source:0;} 1 {page:Section1;} --


	20. In Which There is Kissing and Conversing

**A/N:** Hey everyone - another update! Again, I can't promise they'll be regular but as long as I've got internet they'll be there. Thank you for the overwhelming response to the last chapter (you broke my review record!) and all the well-wishes and everything else. Here's the chapter I think you've all been waiting for - I don't know how good it is, but it's here. You can be the judge.

A lot of people were expecting the sex talk in this chapter, but that's not until Chapter 27 (In Which There is "The Talk". Yes, That One.). I've never seen imprinting explained exactly the way I see it, so here it is. I think it's the way that makes the most sense.

Right now I'm finishing up the 40th chapter of _Hands on Me _and I'm somewhere in the middle of chapter 2 of _Undeniable_. After I finish that chapter up, probably tonight, I'm going to take a break from it for about a week to get caught up on Jake's story. I'm excited about it. I think you can expect the first chapter in the next few weeks and you'll get to tell me just how bad I suck at trying to write a guy in 1st person.

I'm sorry if I didn't reply to your reviews. I wanted to reply to everyone, I really did, but my internet here redefines slow. My aunts have also asked me to inform you that it's not the country, so don't think badly of it, just that none of them care enough to buy DSL. Me and my youngest aunt are trying to work my oldest over.

Anyway, I'm heading off to a Spuaa (which literally means 'week') which is a party to celebrate the birth of a baby. Libya is so awesome! So while I go do that, y'all read and make sure to review! I'll get back to you soon. I hope.

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing except the chapter title and the extremely long **A/N**'s that just seem to keep growing as we progress. I especially own no knowledge about what I'm writing about, so if anybody has any advice, I'm open to it.

* * *

In Which There is Kissing and Conversation in Equal Parts

* * *

_can't you see? i'm at your feet._

_- shakira, whenever, wherever_

-

Jacob twisted in his chair, reaching out for me and I scrambled up in my seat to make it easier. His strong arms wrapped immediately around my waist and pulled my all-too-willing body across the console and into his lap. I was nearly panting by the time I settled across his legs, desire scorching through me like fire. Jake's hands gripped my waist tightly and my hands wound around his neck to grip the soft hair there.

I instinctively leaned in at the same time he did, and his forehead felt hot against mine when they pressed together. Jacob was breathing hard too, and it was hard to believe that less than fifteen seconds ago we were having polite conversation on opposite sides of the car. I could feel my pulse in my ears and I could hear Jacob's heart pounding and I _needed_ something.

"I'm sorry - " Jacob panted, his voice coming out rougher than I'd ever heard it and one hand snaking up my side to clasp my neck. "I'm sorry, Ness, I just – I couldn't – can I kiss you?"

My voice cracked when I answered, "Please."

And then Jake's lips were on mine and a tornado could've ripped past us on the freeway and I wouldn't have noticed. My hands around Jacob's neck pulled him closer and his hand on the small of my back pressed harder. My legs spread wider to allow Jacob to pull me closer and soon we were pressed as close together as it was possible to get.

I let Jake lead me again, giving myself into the amazing sensation of his lips on mine. My lips parted and I sighed into his mouth, my tongue becoming disobedient again, trying to reach out. I was jolted with a new sensation when I felt something hot and moist touch my lips. Desire swirled in my stomach and I clung to Jake's neck for support as his tongue danced lightly along my bottom lip. I felt Jacob start to pull back and I made a disapproving sound, but he disconnected anyway, pulling back until his lips were barely brushing mine.

"Is – is this okay?"

"Yes," I whispered hurriedly against his mouth, my voice coming out breathy and strange. "Yes, it's fine, Jacob, just please – "

I was cut off by his lips crashing back into mine, effectively silencing me. The kiss wasn't rough, but not as gentle as before, and Jacob's tongue soon picked up where it left off, teasing my bottom lip. I pressed harder against Jacob, parted my lips a little wider, needing more of something but not knowing what.

Then Jacob's tongue danced a little further in and I realized what I wanted: I wanted to taste. Jacob's lips were amazing, warm and soft yet strong enough to make me yield under him and turn me into melted putty in his hands, but I wanted more. I wanted not only to kiss him, to feel his skin under my lips, I wanted to _taste_ him.

Little by little my tongue slipped forward as I got more comfortable with the kiss, learned how to read Jacob's movements and switch my head from side to side to better enjoy his lips from every angle. Finally, when Jacob had relented his teasing temporarily, I stole my chance and ran my tongue experimentally along his bottom lip.

I was floored.

He wasn't sweet, he wasn't salty; he didn't taste like he smelled, something I could identify. It was different, unexplainable. He tasted like Jacob. Pure, unadulterated, unconcentrated Jacob. It was the best thing I had ever tasted.

Jacob stiffened under me after my bold move and my first reaction was to freeze, certain I'd done something wrong. But then his lips began moving more insistently against mine and I knew I hadn't, that he had . . . liked it?

I opened my mouth further against his, letting my tongue touch tentatively against his lip at first, trying to get used to the taste. Jacob made a deep sound into my mouth so I pushed further, my hands sliding up from his neck to cup his face. I steeled myself for about half a second, and then I ran my tongue across the edge of his teeth.

The roughness of them scraping lightly across my tongue sent another shock of lust rocketing through my body and I rocked my hips forward. The next thing I felt were Jacob's lips slowing under mine, the hand at my waist reaching up to join the other at my neck and pulling me gently away.

"Nessie - " Jake started breathlessly, leaning back in to kiss the corner of my mouth, my jaw, my neck. " – what - ?"

"You taste good," I panted, not caring about how it sounded or how embarrassed I would be later. "You taste so good."

Jacob's body stiffened under me again at my words, but he kept kissing my neck, his lips parting wider and wider with each kiss and I knew what was coming. I was torn – excitement for what I knew was to come, the extreme pleasure it would cause, but disappointment at being delayed from my main goal. I wanted to taste more now: his neck, shoulders, his chest, his stomach -

I pulled Jacob's head off my neck with more force than I generally used with him and I saw in fear in his eyes when he looked up. He thought I hadn't wanted – I had to show him that I had, but my vocabulary was so degenerated right now . . .

I pressed my palm to his face, showing him what I wanted. Not exactly, not all of it, but enough. He half-nodded hastily and reached down to crank back the seat like I had showed him. I couldn't help but smile down at him, but apparently Jake hated being separated about as much as I did because he pulled persuasively on my waist until I leaned forward, hovering over him. I slid a little farther down his legs to reach my destination, feeling like I was coming home when I found it.

Jacob's hands gripped the very top of my waist, just under my breasts as I leaned down and pressed a kiss to his neck. I took a page out of his book and laid a trail of kisses, parting my lips a little further each time. Finally, I place a hot, open-mouthed kiss on Jacob's pulse point, letting my tongue dart out to taste the skin there. It was like his mouth but a little tangier, maybe from perspiration, but I didn't care – it was amazing. I gave his jaw the same treatment, kissing and running my tongue lightly over the defined line there.

Jacob finally gripped my face strongly in his hands and pulled me back up and into a kiss that literally blew my mind. His tongue reached out and swiped the inside of my mouth and it should have felt intrusive but it didn't. It was perfect and amazing and my lips couldn't move fast enough or hard enough against his and I couldn't believe that Jacob was mine and he was here and he wanted me like this, exactly the same way I wanted him.

I reached my tongue out to taste Jacob at the same time his reached for me and with an electrifying jolt like nothing I'd felt before, our tongues touched. Whatever little had been left in my mind fell away and my hips rocked forward harder than before, pressing into Jacob's roughly.

Jacob's lips slowed under mine, my face still gripped in his big hands, until he slowly but firmly pulled away. His breathing was as heavy as mine and his eyes were still black, but they were warm and I just wanted to fall into them.

"Ness – we – we have to stop."

I shook my head in confusion, unable to give a verbal response. I was breathing so hard my chest heaved, rising away and then back closer to Jacob's with every breath.

"What – why - ?"

Jake leaned forward and kissed me once more, soft and chaste, lips closed. "I don't want to, Nessie, but – this is too much too fast for you. We have to slow down."

"Not too fast," I muttered, desire blurring my head as I tried to recapture his lips but he pulled back, eluding me. "Just fast enough."

"Do you know how hard it is to refuse you like this?" He asked me, his voice still taking on that rough quality that made my stomach clench pleasantly. "Please let me be responsible, Nessie – I would die if we rushed into something you weren't ready for."

It was like lust had taken over my brain, became the focus point by which to measure and manage everything else. I leaned in quickly before Jacob could stop me and kissed him deeply, surprised to find that I knew what I was doing. His lips responded, but I didn't want test my willpower or Jake's patience, so after one more taste of his delicious bottom lip I pulled back away.

A sigh escaped of its own accord and I sat up, reserving myself to the fact that we were done for now but taking in the amazing sight of Jacob while I could. He was just so handsome. I squeezed his legs between mine when his tongue reached out to trace over where mine had been just seconds before and I bit back another embarrassing sound.

"So I should get back in my seat now?" I asked, settling for looking compliant since I couldn't bring myself to look happy about it.

Jake reached down and pulled the lever to sit the seat back up and I fought against my instincts and leaned back further as he grew closer. Lead me not into temptation, right?

"As much as I wish there was another way around it," Jacob shrugged, smirking a little and letting the hands around my waist slide down until they were resting on top of his legs, just beside mine. "I don't think I'd be able to concentrate on the road."

I frowned, but climbed back into the passengers' seat anyway, knowing Jacob was right. We couldn't very well sit on the shoulder of the road for half an hour . . . doing that. The clock on the dash caught my eye and I realized in reality we'd been stopped less than five minutes. It felt much longer than that.

Jake reached out to take my hand once I was situated and we were back on the freeway. It felt extremely tame compared to a few seconds earlier, but nice. He rubbed a thumb over the back of my hand and said, "I think we should drive for about another hour, then throw it in for the day, what d'you think?"

I smiled at that, nodding enthusiastically. An hour was an hour too long to be away from Jacob's lips, but it was a thousand times better than an entire day.

"Maybe we can go see a movie," Jake suggested. "You wanted to do that and we didn't get to . . . "

"Yeah, okay," I agreed, then added as an afterthought, "I'm kind of hungry now – can we eat before the movie?"

"Sure, sure," Jake nodded. "Can you wait or do you want something now?"

"No, I can wait," I assured him. Jake chuckled slightly to himself, causing me to ask, "What?"

"Nothing, I just – nothing."

"Na-uh, Jake, that's not fair," I told him, jiggling our joined hands for emphasis. "You can't start and then change your mind and say nothing, that's teasing."

"No," Jake said, smiling slightly and turning a little pink. "It's just – it's kind of like our first date, isn't it?"

A date? With Jacob? I hadn't thought about it that way, despite the recent change in our relationship. I just loved him and wanted to be with him and he was my Jacob. That's how I thought of him: my best friend Jacob who I was in love with. But he was more than that now, he was . . . my boyfriend? Just like with Seth and his imprint, the word was too small, insignificant, didn't fit.

He was my Jacob, and that's what he was. And tonight we were going on a date.

For some reason I felt simultaneously giddy and extremely nervous.

"Well, now I'm excited," I smiled, trying to keep the nervous giggle that was trying to escape in. "My first date."

The word sounded strange in my mouth.

Then Jake, as he was prone to do, surprised the hell out of me by saying, "Mine too."

"What?"

"Yeah," he said, raising his eyebrows in turn at mine. "Why, is that surprising?"

"A little," I confessed.

"Think about it, Ness," he said, squeezing my hand absently. "I'm twenty-four. I lost any and all interest I may have had in dating when you were born – that was seven years ago. I was seventeen then, and I just never. . . . never had."

That made sense. Something else didn't, though.

"But you've kissed someone before," I stated. It wasn't a question.

Jacob swallowed tightly and looked out the window, but to his credit, kept his hand in mine.

"Yeah, yeah I have."

This didn't bother me as much as I thought it would. There was jealousy at the thought of anyone touching _my _Jacob, but it wasn't very strong. It was obviously before I was born, and Jacob was mine now, my soul mate, so what was the point in getting upset over something that happened before you were even conceived? I was proud of myself; I felt very mature. The most pressing emotion was curiosity.

"Who was she?" I asked neutrally, but my curiosity leaked out.

Jacob looked at me from the corner of his eye as though to discern whether I was going to start crying or throwing things, and I think he was relieved to see I looked nothing but curious.

"It's – a long story," he warned, exhaling heavily through his mouth. "And – and it was before you were born, Nessie, you have to remember that. The second I saw you, you became my world. I never even had a thought of anyone else."

"I know, Jake," I told him, not sure why he was trying so hard to assure me.

"This is something I've been meaning to tell you, since . . . well, since last night, but I was going to wait until . . . I just want you to understand . . . "

I was starting to get a little worried now. What was the big deal if I wasn't making it one?

"Just tell me," I coaxed. "I won't get angry, or – or whatever it is you're afraid of."

"No, it's just that it's complicated, Ness, and I really, really don't want to mess this up when you're just . . . when you just decided that you want to be with me."

"Jacob," I half-scolded. "I'm not – whatever the big deal is about this girl, I'm not – you can't _mess this up_ – I'm not going anywhere! I can't – I can't live without you, I thought you knew that?"

Jacob looked at me then, so much gratitude and love in his gaze that I wanted to kiss him again.

"No, it's just – okay, okay, um . . . let me figure out how to start."

I nodded and fell silent, waiting for Jacob to gather his thoughts.

"When – when your Mom and Dad first started seeing each other, back when she was human obviously, there was an accident. Anyway, Edward got it into his head that him being in Bella's life was too dangerous for her, and he left."

"He left her?" I exclaimed, my voice a sharp contrast to Jake's reserved tone.

"Just listen, Nessie, listen, okay?" Jake asked, holding my hand tighter until I felt a little better. "He did it because he thought she would be safer, but . . . she wasn't okay. She got real . . . real sick. Depressed. Then we started hanging out, and . . . she started to get better. Not all the way, I don't know if she ever could have healed completely, but . . . better."

I nodded again, urging him on.

"There are different theories about why we imprint," he said, and I was lost. What did imprinting have to do with my Mom and Dad and what did any of that have to do with the girl Jacob kissed? "Some think we're drawn to mates most likely to pass on the wolf gene, some think we're drawn to those most likely to make the _strongest_ wolves. But I'm not sure it's either. It's magic, right? I mean, they could have just given us extreme . . . physical attraction to a particular female, and we would . . . mate and then the line would carry on, but imprinting doesn't work like that. It's love, right?

"It's true love, complete devotion, your true . . . mate. Not just physically, but emotionally, too. In every way. I think it's just a . . . a perk, kinda. We're made to protect, it's our purpose, but I think imprinting is just like a really great bonus. I think it's . . . fate."

Jake glanced at me warily, but I was still trying to process everything, piece it all together.

"I think it's destiny. I think that . . . even if I was human, and I met you now I would love you. It might not be at first sight, but . . . do you understand?"

I nodded. "Yeah, Jake. Soul mates, right?"

"Right."

"But what does that have to do with what I asked you?"

"Okay, I think the universe . . . guides you, all right? I think that everything happens for a reason, all the means necessary to reach the end. Now, I want you to keep all this in mind when I tell you this: when I was a teenager . . . I was in love with Bella."

Bella? My . . . my Mom? Jake loved my Mom?

"What?" was all I could manage.

"I – I loved your mom," he said, glancing down at our joined hands as though to see if I was going to pull away. "I was jealous of your dad, I – I tried to compete for Bella's . . . heart. And I kissed her twice."

"Did she . . . want you to?"

For some reason, the thought of my Mom wanting to kiss Jake was bothering me a lot more than the thought of Jacob loving her. I knew it would come later, but my brain was sluggish, overloaded with too much information.

"I thought she did," Jake said, shaking his head. "She punched me in the face the first time, and the second time. . . I kind of tricked her. I was stupid. I – and then her and Edward got married and she came back . . . pregnant."

"Me," I breathed, unable to believe this was all still going on when I came into the picture.

"Yeah," he said, and the brightest look passed over his face and I loved him so much. "You. But, Nessie, it makes me sick even to think about it, but – I – I hated you."

I felt like he had punched me in the stomach, all the air whooshing out of my lungs.

"No, listen, Nessie – please!" Jake exclaimed urgently, shaking our joined hands. "I – I was so in love with Bella, and I know . . . I know it wasn't your fault, but . . . you were killing her. She wasn't planning on making it through the delivery human anyway, she was reckoning on changing to save herself, but to me it was the same thing. If Bella was a vampire, she would have been as good as dead to me."

I sucked in a choked breath at his words, the harshness of them, despite the softness of his tone.

"And I kept telling myself I was going to stay away – that she was going to die and I just needed to stay away, but I couldn't. Do you hear me, Ness? I literally _couldn't_. I – I didn't know why until after you were born and I saw you."

His face relaxed, brightened as though he was remembering something amazing.

"And you were – everything. Just like that. There was nothing else."

So . . . Jacob loved my mother, loved her like he loved me –

"No," Jake announced firmly, and I realized I must have passed my thoughts to him through our joined palms in my preoccupation. "Not like you, Ness. Not by half – no, a hundred, a thousandth. Nothing could ever compare."

"So what are you saying?" I asked. What was the point in telling me this?

"Because, it was you all along. Even before you were born. Nothing but being in love with Bella would have kept me that close to her, in a house full of vampires, my sworn enemies, when there was no hope left. Except that I had to meet you." He shrugged his shoulders. "Destiny."

My head was spinning. I just didn't want to think about it anymore.

"You – you don't love her anymore?"

I knew it was a stupid question, knew he didn't, but I still had to ask.

"Not like anything but a sister, like a friend," he assured me fervently. "There's really not that much room in my heart for anyone else."

Jacob loved my mother once, a long time ago. Before I was born. He thinks it was destiny, to lead him to me. Did I believe that? Was it luck? I didn't think so. There was no luck in soul mates, the very fact that they existed at all negated the randomness theory.

It bothered me, I wouldn't lie, but . . . Jacob loved _me_ now. He was mine. I had not one scrap of doubt in my mind about that. So, what was I supposed to do? Hold it against him and make us both miserable? I could never hurt my Jacob, especially for something that happened before I was born, something he believed only happened in order for him to find me.

"Okay," I said.

"Okay?" He parroted in disbelief.

"Okay."

"You're – you don't care? You're fine?" He asked. "Just like that?"

"I . . . don't like the idea of you loving anyone else before me, but . . . that's how life works, isn't it?" I asked rhetorically, giving him a small smile. "Most people fall in love lots of times. At least I got it right on the first try, with you coming in close second."

"This is it, Ness," Jacob swore. "You're it 'til I die, you know that, right?"

"I know," I answered quietly. I didn't like talk of dying.

"Even if you decide you don't want me, I'll still be yours."

It broke my heart when he talked like that. I wished he'd have more confidence in me.

"I'll always be yours, Jake," I promised, feeling it take root deep in my bones, where it always had been. "I always have been. Don't you know that?"

"So – so you don't care?"

He looked so vulnerable and young. He watched me like my answer meant more than I realized.

"You love me most, right?"

Jake nodded his head fervently.

"You know I –"

"Okay," I said simply. "You're all I want. For you to love me most is more than I can ask for."

"You can ask for so much more than that, Nessie," Jake assured me, turning his head from the road to gaze me straight in the eye. "You could ask for the moon and I'd get it for you."

"I've already got the sun," I shrugged, and Jacob smiled amazingly, further proving my point.

"Come here," Jacob said, tugging on my hand.

"What?"

"Come here." He tugged again, and I understood.

I crawled up in my seat, leaning in towards Jacob's side of the car over the armrest. Jacob watched the crowded road warily for a second, but I could see him glancing at me in his peripherals. He sped up a little and passed a small red car that was apparently going to slow for his taste, then turned and captured my face in one of his big hands. He pulled me in and kissed me, quickly but deeply and I made another embarrassing noise despite myself.

I sunk back, boneless, into my chair after he released me and turned his concentration back to the road. I understood now when people said their knees turned to jelly.

"Thank you, Ness," he said once I had melted back into my seat.

I shook my head to clear it, still a little dazed. "What?"

"Thank you for – for understanding."

I used joined our hands again, used the connection to pass a burst of love to him, how I felt when he kissed me just now, dizzy and weak-kneed. Jake smiled contentedly and squeezed my hand.

"Love you too, Ness. So much."

* * *

**Coming up:**

She approached the door tentatively and leaned forward until her head was past the doorframe. Her eyes flickered back behind her for a second before she mouthed, "Is that your boyfriend?"

I blushed red at her question and was unsure how to answer her, so I just sort of nodded and mumbled, "Kind of."

She smiled like she understood, though I was sure she didn't. She mouthed again, "He'll love it."


	21. In Which There is a HalfVampire GuideDog

**A/N: **All right, everyone, here's another update! I enjoy playing with cliches, trying to twist them and make them feasible. And in this chapter, I attempted the most deadliest of cliches: the insertion of a real person! Dun, dun, dun. It's not myself, though, just my friend Morgan. I think I did all right: she doesn't fall in love with anyone, no one falls in love with her, she's not outstandingly beautiful and has no special powers. Just nice. Also, I couldn't resist the look on her face when I told her she was going to be in one of my stories - hilarious. So let me know what you think.

And - and, and, and, and, and, and, and - the first chapter of _Undeniable_ is now up! So go read it! Like now, right after this. And review. I need to know what y'all think. The writing style is really different from _HoM_, so I hope you all like it.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own any Sheryl Crow songs, or anything Twilight related. I don't even own the title of this story. But whatever, people are reading, so I guess it's all right.

* * *

In Which There is a Half-Vampire Guide Dog

* * *

_if it makes you happy, it can't be that bad._

_- sheryl crow, if it makes you happy_

-

We drove in mostly silence for awhile, but it wasn't really awkward. Jacob pulled off of an exit before too terribly long and we began searching for a hotel near a wooded area, which seemed to grow increasingly difficult the deeper into California we got. We finally found one, though, before too terribly long that I could tell Jacob thought was a little too rundown, but I honestly could care less. I knew the only reason he really cared was because he wanted me to be comfortable, but I could be comfortable on a bed of nails if he was with me, so it didn't matter to me either way.

We checked in and settled into our room, which was basically more or less the same as all the ones before it. The bed was a little smaller, and I blushed as I realized that I had absolutely no problem with that. I tossed my backpack that I refused to let Jake carry and the black bag into the chair in the corner and collapsed onto the bed. I spread out and stretched all my muscles, easing the tension that had crept in after sitting in a car with Jacob for an hour.

It took much more energy than it should have to keep from kissing him. It was much harder than it should have been to keep my hands off him, too. It was strange, though – the longer I went without touching him, the harder it was to reach out. I had been waiting for this, the moment we were back in the hotel, so I could pull Jacob back to me and kiss him until I was breathless. Now we were here, and I couldn't.

I watched a little nervously from the bed as Jacob locked the hotel room door and kicked off his shoes. I had already lost mine the second I stepped through the door but I reached up to pull off my socks as Jake threw his backpack over by mine and threw himself heavily onto the bed beside me.

My heartbeat sped up as he turned onto his side to face me, smiling contentedly. I mimicked his movements, turning to face him, and I sighed when he reached forward and wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me into him. I buried my face in his chest, the wolf insignia on his shirt scratching against my face a little, and thought maybe I wouldn't have to reach out at all. Maybe if I just gave it a little while Jake would kiss me again and save me the agonizing.

It was ridiculous. I knew he wouldn't reject me, or laugh, but I still just couldn't do it. I settled for rubbing my face against his chest and inhaling deeply, letting his scent get my head spinning the way I liked best. It was easier this way, though, when I didn't have to pretend I didn't love Jake the wrong way, the-make-your-head-spin-and-your-stomach-ache way.

"Are you sleepy?" He asked me, the hand at my waist reaching down to rub the small of my back and I had to restrain my hips from reaching forward and pressing into him. "Do you want to take a nap before we go out?"

Go out.

I'm sure Jake would have used the exact same words two days ago, but they suddenly took on a whole different meaning. Jacob and I were going out tonight – on a date.

I reached a hand up to let my fingers dance against the skin right where the neck of Jacob's shirt ended, and I felt his breath on my arm when he looked down at me.

"I'm not sleepy," I told him, but snuggled closer as though I was. "But we can stay here for awhile."

Was it weird that I wished harder than ever for my Mom? My Aunt Alice, Aunt Rose, Grandma Esme? I wasn't very sure on how humans did things, but didn't it seem customary for the girl's mom to help her get ready for her first date? Do her hair and makeup?

I realized with a start that I had nothing to wear. I'm sure Jake didn't care, but I . . . I wanted to dress up for him. I had absolutely no idea how to do my hair or wear makeup, the latter never having occurred until Grandpa Charlie's wedding very recently and the former always being taken care of by Aunt Alice.

I suddenly missed Aunt Alice very much. She would know exactly what I should wear, what would be appropriate for where we were going. How to "mix genres" and "keep with the atmosphere" and all that other stuff I always tuned out when she started in on. I wish now that I had listened.

I flipped through all my clothes in my head anyway, knowing I would come up with nothing interesting or that Jake had never seen before. My dress was too formal for the movies, that much I knew, even without ever having been, and besides, I didn't have any shoes to go with it. I wish now that I hadn't kicked off my shoes at the wedding – heels would have been nice to have, something to make a normal outfit a little nicer. I wished, for the first time in my life, that I could go shopping.

"Done," Jacob said suddenly from above, startling me.

"What?" I asked, looking up at him in confusion.

"We'll go shopping," he said simply.

I had a long moment of blankness, in which I opened and closed my mouth several times dumbly until I realized what had happened. I had transported, again, without meaning to. This time didn't seem to have as . . . desirable of a result as last time. Just a little embarrassing.

"No, Jake, don't worry about it," I assured him. "I'm just letting my thoughts wander. I – don't worry about it."

"No, Nessie," he argued, holding me a little tighter. "We'll go. I want tonight to be as perfect as possible for you."

He leaned down and pressed a kiss to my forehead, which was nice, but not enough.

"I'm sorry Bella isn't here, or the rest of your family," he said after a moment, and the look on his face told me he would be beating himself up about it if I didn't nip this in the bud.

"I know why my family isn't here, and I know there's a good reason," I said, in a much of a no-nonsense tone as I could manage. "And I _don't_ need to go shopping, I don't want to be a burden, I just want to spend time with you. Whenever, wherever."

"You are not a burden," Jacob corrected sternly, and I groaned a little. That's not what I meant. "And I know you don't care, but this is obviously something that would make you happy, and I want to do this right."

I started to roll my eyes, but stopped myself. I didn't want to hurt Jacob's feelings.

"I don't want you to feel like you have to dress up for me," he continued and I blushed. "You could be in a trash bag for all I care, but you . . . just come on, Ness, don't make this harder than it has to be."

I let him pull me up from the bed, unable to keep from smiling through my attempted frown as I pulled my shoes back on. Jake grew happier as I relented, even whistling quietly to himself as we got back into the Porsche and pulled back onto the main road.

We quickly found a small shopping complex with about ten clothing stores in it and Jake slowed as we passed and asked, "Is this all right?"

"This is fine, Jacob," I said, rolling my eyes a little but still smiling.

Jacob parked quickly and I hopped out of my seat and around to meet him before he could get to my side. His eyebrows knitted together a little and he rolled his eyes too, but mostly ignored it.

I realized something as we stepped into the first shop, a bell ringing somewhere in the distance and a young woman with light brown hair called out a greeting to us from the very back.

"But you're not supposed to see the clothes," I told him, as he looked around appraisingly and appeared to be very lost amongst all the girls' clothes. "That negates the whole point of buying a new outfit. So what're you gonna do?"

He flashed me a quick grin before he turned around, grabbed my hand and shut his eyes.

"Lead me."

I laughed out loud at that. "You've got to be kidding me, Jake."

"Nope," he said, shaking his head but keeping his eyes closed. "You're right, I shouldn't see. And I can't leave you alone, so . . ."

"Stop being stupid," I commanded, but my tone was too light to actually be angry. "Just open your eyes and come on."

"Na-uh, Ness," he argued, shaking my hand slightly as though to urge me on. "You were right. Now go find your clothes."

I rolled my eyes, a reaction that was wasted since Jake refused to open his eyes. I knew I was fighting a losing battle, so I dragged Jake a few feet away to an interesting looking display and began to look. I didn't miss the smug look that crossed his face when he saw that he won.

I was glad the store was empty, since I felt more than a little ridiculous lugging Jake around with his eyes closed like an idiot. There was a lot of cute stuff, but I was a little out of my element. Aunt Alice always did my shopping and even then, I hardly ever went with her, since she knew my size so well. The wedding shopping was a terrifying exception, since everything had to be just perfect.

After about ten minutes of this ridiculousness, the shop girl came over to check on us. She was a little taller than me, about my Mom's height with hazel eyes and freckles. She smiled nervously at me, her eyes flitting to Jacob quickly as she asked if I needed help finding anything.

"Yeah, I'm not really good at this kind of stuff," I said, shooting a dirty look at Jacob that of course he did not see and then smiling apologetically at the girl. Jake was smiling to himself, enjoying my awkwardness, I'm sure.

"Okay, sure," she said, smiling a little more brightly and nodding. "What are you looking for?"

"I'm not sure," I said honestly, wondering how to best explain the situation. "I need something cute to wear . . . out."

"Like to a club?" She asked, already beginning to pick through shelves.

"Oh, no," I said quickly, and Jake chuckled so I yanked his arm extra-hard. "Just like, out to eat and to the movies."

"Oh, that should be easy," she assured me, gesturing me to follow her and doing her best to avoid watching me pull Jacob along. "Are you looking for a top or a dress . . . ?"

"A top, I think," I answered. I had a pair of dark-blue jeans that would do all right, so I would only need a top and shoes.

"Any particular color?"

"I like green," I said hesitantly. "But I don't really care."

"Green is pretty with your skin," she complimented as she rifled through a rack of tops. I blushed and mumbled a quiet word of thanks. "Purple would be, too. And blue. I wouldn't do too much red though, so it doesn't detract from your hair. It's really pretty, by the way."

"Oh," I said, fingering a curl at my waist slightly. "Thanks."

"Is it natural?"

It took me a second to piece together her meaning. "Yeah, it's natural."

"Ugh, I'm jealous," she groaned a little but her smile let me know she wasn't actually upset. "Here, try these."

She handed me three or four tops in my free hand and began to lead me to dressing room, Jacob walking a little less gracefully than usual beside me. She eyed him curiously as we neared the dressing room.

"Is he okay, or . . . ?"

"He's not allowed to look," I explained quickly, my cheeks warming. "And he won't leave me alone for more than five minutes, so . . . "

The last part of that sentence was for Jacob's benefit, but the girl smiled too and seemed a little more relaxed. Jacob wrapped a warm arm around my waist, but kept his eyes closed when he asked the salesgirl, "Look at her: would you leave her alone?"

I could have kicked him. I would have kicked him if the girl weren't there. She looked a little taken aback to hear Jacob speak at all, but then she blushed too, different from mine.

"Aw, that's so sweet," she gushed. "I hope you're planning on leaving her alone to change, though."

He gave a world-wearied sigh. "I guess so."

I quickly reached into the dressing room and hung the clothes I would be trying on the hook on the wall, and then pulled Jacob a few feet away.

"You can open your eyes now," I told him. "All the clothes are hidden."

He slowly peeked one eye open, then the other and I couldn't help but laugh at him. When his gaze landed on me, he grinned brightly and my knees turned to goo. After a second, he seemed to remember the salesgirl and greeted her.

"Hi."

"Hi," she replied, still looking a little lost.

"I'm going to try on my clothes now," I told him emphatically, speaking to him like a child on purpose.

He played along, widening his eyes and nodding like one, then settled himself on a chair in the corner and sat on his hands.

"Whatever, Jake," I told him, a smile leaking out. "I'll be out in a minute."

"Do you want me to stay?" The girl asked just before I swung the door shut.

I caught it, and peeked my head back out. "Could you? I'll probably need a second opinion."

"Yeah, of course," she waved me off, nodding. "Call me when you've got the first one on."

The girl, whose name turned out to be Morgan, was really helpful. She even brought me more tops to try when none of the ones we originally chose worked. She wasn't really professional like the assistants in Aunt Alice's stuffy boutiques and she was honest, telling me when one didn't look nice or didn't fit right. I liked her so much that I almost slipped when she asked for my name, forgetting to lie for a split second before I stuttered, "V-Vanessa." She didn't seem to notice though, just remarked what a nice name it was and handed me another blouse.

"Oh, Vanessa," Morgan exclaimed quietly as I opened the door to show her the blouse I had on. "It's so pretty – the best one yet."

She approached the door tentatively and leaned forward until her head was past the doorframe. Her eyes flicked back behind her for a second, before she mouthed, "Is that your boyfriend?"

I blushed red at her question and was unsure how to answer her, so I just sort of nodded and mumbled, "Kind of."

She smiled like she understood, though I was sure she didn't. She mouthed again, "He'll love it."

"Really?" I asked self-consciously, twisting to examine myself in the mirror.

I wasn't sure how I felt about wearing this in front of Jacob, let alone out in public. It was black and tight-fitted, sleeveless, the straps about an inch and a half thick. Gathers of fabric that had more sheen to it than the rest stretched across my stomach and waist in opposite directions, giving it a wrap effect. It hung lower on my chest than any of my clothes, my bra inches from being revealed. I felt exposed. It was nothing compared with some of the things I'd seen my aunts vacuum seal themselves into, but it was still strange.

"Really," Morgan said, giving a verbal reply.

An image of Jacob's eyes this afternoon in the car swam into the front of my mind, accompanied of course by the subsequent memories of his lips against mine, his hands gripped tight around my waist. I wanted to make him look like that again.

"I'll take it then, I guess."

Morgan went back out and instructed Jacob to shut his eyes again so she could take the blouse and run it to the back of the shop and place it under the counter. She was enjoying this hiding-it-from-Jacob thing more than I was, but I didn't hold it against her. It actually worked in her favor. I liked that the idea of someone else's happiness seemed to make her happy.

Jacob walked like a normal person with both eyes opened to the small shoe selection, then found himself a seat and closed his eyes again. There was only one large shelf of shoes, but it was enough. I wasn't looking for anything particularly fancy.

Morgan returned quickly and helped me, with much gesturing and mouthing since Jake was so close, to select a pair of heels. They were black and almost as high as Alice's monstrosities, but the heels were much thicker and they had a strap around the ankles that anchored me in, which helped their case. They were also ridiculously cute, I had to admit. They had a similar wrapping effect as the blouse, and a small place where my toes peeped out.

Morgan took the shoes up to the register ahead of us to ring them up and so Jake was able to walk on his own, without being led to the counter. He closed his eyes when we reached it though, taking out his wallet and handing it to me and I think at that point he was just trying to be difficult on purpose.

I started fishing out the amount flashed on the screen when a small display on the counter caught my eye.

"Oh, those are really good," Morgan informed me, following my gaze. "This one is best. They're flavored and it would go really pretty with your skin."

"I'll get one of those too, then," I said, blushing a little at the thought. Morgan picked it up and added it to the bag but the price didn't change.

"It's on me," she said to my confused look as she handed me my change. "You were the most fun I've had all day. It was really nice helping you, Vanessa."

I accepted the blue bag with my shoes and blouse in it and smiled brightly. "It was nice having you help me – I don't know what I would have done without you. Thank you so much."

"Don't mention it," she waved me off. "I get paid to do it. You have a really nice day. Both of you."

Jake returned her well-wishes but refused to open his eyes, and I knew this time it was purely to irritate me. I tolerated him with good humor as we bade Morgan goodbye but was bored with it by the time we got to the car.

"Are you planning to drive like that?" I asked.

His eyes popped open and he smiled brightly. I loved him so much. My stomach flipped nervously as I pictured his reaction to my new clothes. Would he like them? I hoped he did. I really, really hoped he did.

I knew Jake thought I was pretty. More than pretty, actually, but that wasn't enough. I wanted Jacob to look at me and find me . . . attractive. He was so handsome, gorgeous. I only had to look at him to send my head spinning with lust. I – I wanted to do that for him, even if it was only a little.

I didn't even have any idea where to start.

* * *

**Coming up:**

"And I know I . . . I look at you and think the same things, so it's not exactly fair getting pissed over it. It's different, though, because I love you," Jacob said a little roughly, and my stomach tightened familiarly, his words jolting me straight to my core. My breathing picked up. "And I know this sounds ridiculously Alpha and caveman, but . . . you're mine, Nessie."


	22. In Which There is Mexican Food and Growl

**A/N: **Okay - here's the date. I've been getting some reviews and PMs expressing concern over the lack of Alice and the Volturi plot. It's all been mapped out, from the very beginning, so please remember everything is intentional. There's a reason for everything - and first and foremost, this is a Jake and Nessie story, focusing on their relationship.

I wanted to show in a natural way the way I think their relationship would progress. I'm letting things play out - most of the Jake and Nessie fics I see aren't very realistic in that way. Anywho, I've got a question: it's inevitable that most of the scenes from _Hands on Me_ will end up repeated in _Undeniable_ - do you think it would get repititive? I mean, I'm doing my best to add fresh scenes when I can, but it's imporant I think to get Jake's POV on everything as it's happening too. I'd love to get some feedback on that.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Twilight or and _blink_ songs, though thank God they're back together. I thought it would never happen.

* * *

In Which There is Mexican Food and Growling

* * *

_do you like my stupid hair?  
__would you guess that i didn't know what to wear?__  
i'm just scared of what you think  
you make me nervous so i really can't eat_

_- blink-182, first date_

-

I went straight to the bathroom when we arrived back at the hotel, pausing only long enough to kick off my shoes and grab my backpack out of the corner. I didn't really need one, but I decided to take another shower just to help calm my nerves. I was careful not to wet my hair, since I didn't think I'd have time for it to dry.

My stomach rumbled as I was toweling off, reminding me how hungry I was. I hadn't eaten in about twenty-four hours. Jake hadn't either and I wondered how he wasn't writhing in agony by now as he was prone to do when he went without food for extended periods of time. Extended periods of time being any amount of time longer than three hours.

I pulled on a fresh pair of panties and dug through my backpack for my jeans and bra. I wanted the bra that I had worn with my dress for the wedding, since it was a push-up and seemed like it would go better with my new top than my others. I found it and quickly pulled it on, along with my jeans. They were nice, a deep blue wash, but they had shrunk more than the others after I washed them, so I avoided wearing them when possible since they weren't as comfortable.

I pulled my top out of the blue bag and pulled it on next, becoming increasingly nervous with every second that passed. I pulled out the box with my shoes in them as well, and noticed that the bag was still heavier than it should have been. I set the box on the sink and peered inside.

To my surprise, there were several other items besides the ones I had purchased inside: a small metal bracelet with faux-emeralds and a matching hair clip. I smiled as I remembered Morgan and how I had mentioned I liked green. I was touched.

I was especially grateful because I had been worrying about what I would do with my hair. I attached the bracelet quickly, smiling as I did so. If I may be so conceited, it did look nice against my skin. I brushed through my curls quickly, then pulled the top fourth of my hair back and secured it with the clip. It looked pretty and I wasn't brave enough to attempt more than that – my hair styling experience didn't range much beyond ponytails and buns.

I buckled myself into my shoes then, more of my body becoming visible in the mirror as I grew taller. I could see how much cleavage the shirt showed off now and I blushed. If I hadn't already dragged Jake to the store to buy a new outfit, I would have changed then, but I knew I couldn't. That would be stupid, and a waste of time and money.

The last thing I did was pull my final purchase from the bag, the small tube of pink lip-gloss. I opened it and applied it carefully, taking much more time than would be necessary for most people. I was pleased to see it didn't have much color to it, just a nice shine. It did look nice.

I remembered what Morgan had said about it being flavored and I tentatively touched my tongue to my bottom lip. It was sweet, like bubblegum. I blushed a deep pink when I caught myself wondering if Jake would like the taste, if I would find out tonight.

I shook the thought from my head as I packed everything back up into my backpack, clearing away the little mess I had made. I was already nervous as hell; there was no need for me to go in there looking red as Rudolph's nose. I tucked the lip-gloss away into my front pocket though, just in case.

I stood at the bathroom door for awhile, my backpack clutched tightly in my hand, feeling self-conscious. I wished now that I hadn't let Jacob talk me into this. I wished now that I hadn't listened to Morgan when she'd said this top was best, that Jake would like it.

I took a few deep, calming breaths and pulled the door open and stepped outside. Jake was sitting on the bed with his back to me, still in the same clothes from before but he had pulled his hair back. I didn't think he had heard me come in, because he didn't look at me as I came out. I tried my best not to notice the line of his back as I slowly approached the bed, but my heart rate sped up despite myself and he noticed.

Jacob looked up just as I was coming around the corner of the bed, almost in front of him, and he kind of just stared at me blankly for a few seconds. His eyes widened a little and raked down my frame quickly before he returned his gaze to my face. I felt immediately self-conscious. I wanted to pull my curls around to my front to cover the shirt's low neckline, but that would be obvious. Inevitably, I felt myself blush.

"Um . . . you, I . . ." Jake stood up quickly, towering over me like always but I suddenly felt much smaller than usual. "You look – that's really – _wow_."

I chuckled softly, since I was nervous and didn't know what else to say.

"Is that a . . . good wow?" I finally asked after a few seconds in which Jacob's eyes continued look over my clothes.

"Yeah," he said a little breathlessly and reached out to finger a curl at my shoulder, higher up than usual because it was pulled back. "A really good wow."

"Oh," I blushed again, this time with pleasure. "Thanks then. Are . . . are you ready?"

"Sure, sure," Jake nodded, his eyes coming down from my hair to my face. "I, uh – I was gonna change, but – you like this shirt best, right?"

I just nodded, since he already knew that. He had pulled his hair back, though. I wondered if it was just because it was a force of habit or if he somehow knew that I liked that too. Jacob always seemed to know things without me having to tell him.

I grabbed the black bag from where I'd thrown it when we came in and looked at Jacob expectantly. He already had the car keys in hand and I expected him to throw a protective arm over my shoulder like he usually did, but he just offered me his hand. As always, his huge palm all but swallowed mine, but it was comforting.

Jacob was a little quieter than usual as we drove around in search of a restaurant, but he kept our hands joined, so it didn't feel too awkward. I couldn't be sure, but I think he kept glancing at me in his peripherals, though every time I tried to look, his gaze was planted firmly on the road. I remember Jake mentioning something about wanting some Mexican food a few days ago, so when I saw a distinctly Mexican-looking restaurant, I pointed it out.

It was small and a little crowded, but not in an overwhelming way. There was a lot of chatter, but it buzzed in the background, actually giving the allusion of more privacy. I was a little nervous when Jacob and I stepped hand in hand through the door and it felt like everyone turned to look at us, though I knew that was just my subconscious exaggerating.

Jacob and I were . . . a couple now. I'm sure we looked exactly the same to everyone else as before, but now it was different to me so I noticed it. I wondered what they thought about us, if they wondered what that young teen girl was doing with such a handsome, grown man.

I honestly didn't care what people thought, but I hoped they didn't think badly of Jacob because I looked so young compared to him. Jake was actually twenty-four, but he could pass for older and if you wanted to get technical, I was only seven, but my appearance was perpetually sixteen. Forever sixteen – wasn't that most women's dream?

As long as Jake didn't mind, neither did I.

A Hispanic man who was only a few inches taller than me greeted us and led us to our table, eyeballing Jacob cautiously from the corner of his eye, no doubt in awe of his size. He gave us our menus and mentioned a few specials that really sounded all the same to me, but I smiled and nodded anyway, trying to be polite. He took our drink orders, then left us.

I turned back to Jake and gave him a small smile, feeling a little nervous. What did a half-vampire say to her soul mate/werewolf/best friend on their first date?

"I know I kind of told you earlier," Jacob said after a few seconds, his eyes on the table in front of him and not on me. "But I was kind of nervous, and it didn't come out right, but . . . you look really beautiful, Ness."

Beautiful. The word warmed me, mostly because of the look on Jacob's face when he said it. I felt my face turn pink.

"Thank you, Jake," I said quietly. "You look very nice too."

He chuckled and leaned back against the back of his booth, his legs pushing farther forward until one of his shoes brushed mine. "I'm in the same stuff from this morning."

"Who said I was talking about clothes?" I asked, hardly believing myself.

I think Jake turned a little pink then, the corners of his mouth twitching up a little.

"Really?"

"I like your hair like that," I said in lieu of an answer.

"What, back?" He asked. "Shouldn't I just cut it then?"

"No," I said a little too quickly, a little too loudly. "No, don't cut it."

"But isn't it the same thing?"

"No," I disagreed, feeling a little ridiculous. "It's nice both ways, up and down, but I . . . I don't know, I like watching you put it back."

I wasn't sure why my mouth kept talking after I had expressly ordered it to stop, but since Jacob smiled brilliantly, it was forgiven. I felt one of his large feet slip between mine, and I shifted my legs a little further up and crossed my ankles, trapping him. He didn't seem to mind.

The waiter returned then with our drinks and plate of chips and salsa, and asked to take our orders. I realized with a flash of embarrassment that we hadn't even opened the menus. Jake saved me by asking the waiter what he would recommend. We both chose from the list of the things the small man rattled off, Jake also adding a duplicate of my order to his. My poor hungry wolf.

I took a sip of my iced tea for lack of anything else to do, and Jacob immediately dug into the chips. He almost always overloaded the chips with salsa until they broke and he had to fish them out of the bowl, but he never seemed to learn from this mistake. I happily watched him eat, taking one chip and nibbling at it slightly. As hungry as I was, I wasn't a very big chips-and-salsa fan.

"You're not hungry, Ness?" He asked after a few minutes when the chips were half gone.

"Yeah, but I'll wait for the food," I told him.

"Don't worry about me, if that's why you're not eating," Jake warned. "I'm not going to snap at you if you try to share with me."

A hungry Jacob offering to share food was the ultimate sign of love. I blushed at the thought.

"No, it's not that," I assured him. "I just don't like salsa that much. I'm enjoying watching you go at it, though."

"What movie do you want to see?" He asked, brushing off my comment with a roll of his eyes.

"I don't care – I don't even know what's playing," I said honestly. "Would it be the same as the other theater?"

"Are you gonna make me watch a chick flick?" He asked me, his eyes dancing.

"A what?"

"A chick flick. You know, a girl movie," he explained, jiggling his foot between mine. "All that romantic, lovey-dovey crap."

"Oh," I said, understanding. "No. We can see whatever, I don't care."

I wasn't actually a big fan of romances. I'd never really thought of it much at all before Jacob, but even now, conventional romance made me gag a little. Real life wasn't like that, even for supernatural people.

"I'm just playing with you, Ness, you know that?" He inquired, his eyes a little worried now. "I'll watch whatever you want."

"I know that," I told him, dismissing his worry with a shake of my head. His eyes followed the trail of one of my curls as it fell down from behind my shoulder and I felt warm. "I – I was thinking a horror or a comedy."

"Cool," he agreed, reaching across the table for my hand, which I let him take.

This was different. We had held hands thousands of times before, of course, even in public, but never like this. Across the table, just because. Like a couple. As with about pretty much anything I shared or did with Jacob, I liked it. He ran a warm thumb over the back of my hand and my stomach flipped.

"What about that werewolf movie?"

"Sure," I shrugged, absently tracing patterns on his skin with my nail. His forearm flexed weirdly. "Did I hurt you?"

"No," he scoffed a little at the assumption. "It – it just . . . tickles."

"Oh," I said, slowing my movements. "I'll stop."

"Don't," Jake replied quickly, then went pink.

Was he . . . blushing? Blushing like I blushed whenever I thought about him or touched him or . . . even looked at him, really. Was I making him do that?

I didn't want to embarrass him though, so I just nodded and started back up again. I traced my name, taking pleasure in how it felt like I was writing it across his skin, claiming him as mine. Property of.

"So, how's it going so far?" He asked me, the very question I was wanting to ask him most.

"You tell me," I countered. "It's your first date too."

"I'm with you, so naturally it's awesome," Jake said easily, and my stomach flipped again. "It's you I care about."

"It's great, Jake," I assured him, telling nothing but the truth. "It's a little . . . different, right? But fun though."

"Yeah, it is different, isn't it?" He agreed, and then smiled smugly. "Every guy in here hates my guts right now."

I felt my brows knit together in confusion.

"Because I'm with you," he clarified, making me feel a little shy.

"You're always with me," I pointed out.

"But now it feels different."

"Yeah," I said, nodding as he expressed exactly how I felt. "It does."

"So," Jake said a few seconds later, with the air of someone about to change the subject. "Do you think you're looking more forward to busting a gut or watching them bust by themselves?"

"What?"

"You said a horror or a comedy – which one?"

"Oh, you can pick," I laughed, understanding the joke. "It's just exciting to go at all."

"It's really cute how excited you get at completely normal things," he said then, smiling endearingly. "Like Wal-Mart and going to the movies."

"But I've never been before, Jacob," I explained. "It's not normal for me."

"I know."

Our food came then and we had to release each other's hands and lean back so the men could unload all of our food onto the table. As hungry as I was, I didn't think I would be able to even finish my helping. Oh, well. More for Jake.

Jake shot me a quick smile before he dug in, and I followed quickly behind him. We didn't talk much while we ate, since Jacob wasn't very good at that and there was probably no one in the restaurant tall and strong enough to give the Heimlich to a six-foot-seven werewolf.

True to tradition, I couldn't finish my food and Jacob helped me out, his end tally turning out to be two and half huge plates of Mexican food and about five large Cokes, not to mention the basket of chips and salsa from before.

He collapsed back against the back of his side of the booth when he was done, rubbing his stomach and moaning slightly as though he were in pain.

"Poor baby," I teased, feeling a little bold when I ran the top of my foot against the back of his leg. "Did you eat too much?"

"Probably," he conceded, and I felt him tense a little against my foot. "But it was worth it. I can't believe you didn't finish yours, Ness, it was good."

"I'm about a fourth of your size, so I guess I eat a fourth as much," I joked and Jacob grinned.

"You about ready to head out?" He asked, and I shrugged noncommittally. "It's getting kind of late and we didn't check the theater times."

I agreed so Jacob called for the check and paid, leaving a generous tip since our waiter had been nice. I collected the black bag, standing when Jacob did. He reached across me to lift my glass and drink the last swallow of my iced tea, making me laugh.

"We paid for it," he shrugged, smiling sheepishly.

Jacob offered me his hand and headed out into the waiting room. A little too caught up in Jacob's scent and the feeling of his warm skin against mine, my grip on the black bag slackened and I dropped it accidentally just before we stepped out of the door. I leant to retrieve it, the way Grandma Esme taught me, dipping at the knees instead of bending down after it, but my top still rode up a few inches in the back because I felt the cool air hit my skin.

I nearly lost my balance on my way back up as Jake unleashed a deep growl, fiercer even than the one that day in the laundromat. I spun around in shock and Jacob stepped forward to shield me. For a panicky second, I thought the Volturi had found us, but then my brain caught up with my reactions and I realized I would have been able to smell it if a vampire had been so close. My heart slowed a little, but not completely.

My gaze flashed to Jacob's face for a clue, but when I saw who he was staring so fiercely at, it only served to confuse me further. The Spanish boy was probably a few years older than me, or how old I appeared to be anyway, and of relatively average height. He had a little bit of muscle but nothing on Jake. Where was the threat?

In fact, the guy looked a little terrified right now, though I could tell he was trying to not show it, to casually back away towards a group I assumed were his friends. Before I could discern more about the situation or ask, Jake had turned back to face me and gestured for me to walk. I obeyed, and Jacob followed directly behind me until we were outside, blocking me from looking back.

He exhaled heavily and wrapped an arm around my shoulders as we walked out, his body un-tensing slightly but not anywhere as relaxed and carefree as before.

"What's wrong, Jake?" I questioned, looking up at him to see that his face remained angry. "What happened?"

He growled again, a more muted sound that stayed mostly in his chest and I was surprised when my stomach flipped. Did I . . . like that? I pushed the thought away. I didn't have time to deal with it now, when something was very obviously wrong with Jacob.

"That – that -" his eyes narrowed as he searched for the words. "People need to learn to keep their eyes to themselves."

I drew my brows together as I thought, replayed the scene in my head. Something in my head went off when I reached the part when leant down, the cool air against my back. I blushed furiously when I realized.

Oh, gross.

It sounded childish, but that was exactly how it felt. It was just like the laundromat all over again, people looking at me and thinking things that I had no control over, except this time I had made it worse by coming out in this little top. The only person I ever wanted to look at me was Jake – I didn't expect anyone else to notice. Didn't expect Jake to either, really, but I was pleased when he did.

I pushed the thought away. The guy was all the way back there in the restaurant and we were at the car now and Jacob was upset and I had to say something.

"It's okay, Jacob," I soothed, but he didn't seem to hear me. "I'm – I'm sorry if, if I shouldn't have – "

"How many times do I have to tell you, Nessie?" He asked exasperatedly, but his voice was soft. He released me from his grasp and turned to face me. I could feet the body of the car behind me and Jacob's body in front of me and several of my dreams burst into the forefront of my mind, never seeming more realistic than they did now. "It's not your fault. You can't help being perfectly, amazingly gorgeous."

I turned pink and my insides warmed, my stomach flipping at his words. Jacob reached up and threaded his fingers through the hair behind my ear, his thumb reaching around to stroke my cheek.

"And I know I . . . I look at you and think the same things, so it's not exactly fair getting pissed over it. It's different, though, because I love you," Jacob said a little roughly, and my stomach tightened familiarly, his words jolting me straight to my core. My breathing picked up. "And I know this sounds ridiculously Alpha and caveman, but . . . you're mine, Nessie."

His voice went even lower and his head dipped down further and the muscles in my thighs clenched of their own accord. There was a flash in which I remembered the wedding, of wishing as we danced that Jacob would claim me, make me his.

I couldn't explain the butterflies and joy and warmth and unbelievable desire that unraveled in the pit of my stomach at his words. I wanted to kiss him so, so badly. He shifted up a little bit and I moved back to accommodate him until I was pressed up against the side of the car.

It was dark now, and the parking lot was empty and we were at the very back. It was okay, we could do this, right? It wasn't . . . . oh, God. I lost my train of thought as Jacob took another step further until he was pressed against me too. His body was scorching and his other hand reached out to grip my waist and my hands clutched uselessly at his t-shirt and I _couldn't breathe_.

I hated my height then more than ever, hated being so small that I couldn't reach his lips from here, that I would have to wait for him to come to me. Jacob dipped his knees, leaned forward to press his hot cheek against mine.

If he hadn't been holding onto me, my knees would have given out when he whispered roughly, "You're mine up until you don't want to be."

I let out a gasping breath that I wasn't sure how long I'd been holding and managed to choke out, "I'm yours, Jacob. I'm only yours."

* * *

**Coming up:**

"Jake - " I attempted, but my voice was so small I doubt it carried to him, even over the short distance. "Jacob, what's - "

"Shit!" He exclaimed loudly, making me cut myself off. "Shit! Fuck - goddamn it - "

A realization crashed down on me, like I had been doused in ice water. Should I not have done that? Was that . . . wrong? It hadn't felt wrong.

"Jacob, I'm sorry," I started, taking a hesitant step towards him. "I - I didn't mean to - "

"You're - you're sorry?" He asked me incredulously, spinnign around to face me. "I - I do the most - the most despicable - take advantage of you - "

!-- /* Font Definitions */ font-face {font-family:"Cambria Math"; panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:1; mso-generic-font-family:roman; mso-font-format:other; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:0 0 0 0 0 0;} /* Style Definitions */ , , {mso-style-unhide:no; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; margin:0cm; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";} .MsoChpDefault {mso-style-type:export-only; mso-default-props:yes; font-size:10.0pt; mso-ansi-font-size:10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt;} page Section1 {size:612.0pt 792.0pt; margin:72.0pt 90.0pt 72.0pt 90.0pt; mso-header-margin:36.0pt; mso-footer-margin:36.0pt; mso-paper-source:0;} 1 {page:Section1;} --


	23. In Which There are Bases Not in Baseball

**A/N: **Hel-lo - I'm back with another update! Thought I'd update you on _Undeniable_ too, since that's coming along really well. I'm finished up chapter seventeen now. And chapter three is now up. Or it will be, anyway, by the time this is. Anywho, I got some stuff to say:

Even though I think I already know who you are, please whoever nominated me for The Edward Award (Best Romance) at the Sparkle Awards, please come forward and let me know. So I can thank you over and over and over and over. That being said, someone nominated me for the Best Romance Sparkle Award. Best Romance - I mean, that's kind of a big deal. I'm seriously freaking out all over Tripoli.

I'm not sure if you need more than one nomination to get in, although it makes sense, but anyone who thought to of my story enough to nominate me for Best Romance, y'all are seriously the best!

That also being said, the runner of the competition says s/he doesn't know when voting will start, but when it does, please head over and vote for me. If you think I deserve it, that is. We need to make Jake/Nessie fic more popular! I'll give y'all a bonus chapter with a note when it does.

_**thesparkleawards(dot)yolasite(dot)com**_

There's the website. All you have to do is copy and paste. So easy. But just not now, because voting hasn't started. Also, I want to shout out to **GinaN.B**. who I saw was nominated for about a thousand awards so go vote for her too!

I should probably say something about the story, but I completely forgot what I was gonna say when I opened the Nomination e-mail. Oh, oh, I remember something - I hope that Jake's little dialogue at the end of the chapter seems realistic. I hate it when authors make men wax poetic - especially Jake.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Twilight, Nessie, Jacob, any Avril Lavigne songs or The Sparkle Awards, although I am nominated. And like a four year old, I can't stop saying that. Ooh, I do own the chapter title though, which I think is cute.

**Dedication: **This chapter is dedicated to whoever cared enough to nominate me. Also, to **GinaN.B** for being an awesome author and getting a zillion nominations, **MoonstruckManda** and **Shorty6692**. **Shorty6692 **for the longest, most detailed review I've ever gotten which made me squee for an hour and **MoonstruckManda** for one of the best compliments I've ever been given. Thanks everybody.

* * *

In Which There are Bases Reached That Have Nothing to do With Baseball

* * *

_you make me so hot, you make me wanna drop  
__you're so ridiculous, i can barely stop  
i can hardly breathe, you make me wanna scream_

_- avril lavigne, hot_

-

Jacob's body tensed against me at my words, his grip on both my hair and my waist tightening. His skin slid slowly against mine as he pulled back to look at me. He was so close that I almost went cross-eyed trying to look him in the eye. He shifted an inch and our noses touched, and it would have been so easy to just reach forward and connect our lips, but I was already stretched to my limit.

"I – I need to kiss you," he whispered and the way he said the word _need_ literally made my knees melt and Jake had to hold me even tighter than before to keep me at the level with him.

"What you need to do," I managed breathlessly, my heart thrumming rhythmically in my chest. "Is stop asking and do it already."

Jacob closed his eyes as a wave of something that looked like relief washed over him and in the next instant he had captured my lips in a fierce kiss. I had only kissed Jacob a handful of times, all of those times occurring in the last twenty-four hours, so it shouldn't have been a shock that this was like none of our kisses before, but it was. His lips battled with mine as though we were fighting it out for dominance, but that wasn't it. I didn't want to lead, didn't know what I was doing, but I couldn't just sit there passively while he kissed me like this. I had to react. I _had _to.

My arms reached up to wrap around Jacob's shoulders, pulling him closer. Jacob let the hand that was in my hair slide down the side of my body until it was parallel with his other hand on my waist. I let out a shocked gasp when he lifted me bodily until my feet were at least a foot off the ground, then pressed me back against the car, holding me up with his body only. He could stand now, just dipping his head down to kiss me instead of his knees and lust pooled in my stomach and I wasn't sure what I would be doing if I didn't know in the recesses of my mind that I was still in a semi-public place.

Jacob's tongue began to dance along my lips and I let my instincts guide me, parting my lips for him. I made an embarrassing sound into his mouth as his tongue tentatively reached out and touched mine and Jacob's hand slid up a little higher on my waist. I pressed back harder into his lips and let my tongue stretch forward a little too, my head too fuzzy with desire to process any thought besides _more_.

I could feel Jacob's breath coming out hard and fast in hot bursts against my face and I could feel his lips tangled amazingly with mine. I could feel his body, hard and solid against me, supporting me, holding me up. His body was so hot, hotter than usual, his skin leaving searing trails on mine and I couldn't bring myself to mind. I kind of hoped they'd leave some kind of mark, something I could see that marked me as his and him as mine.

I loved watching Jacob pull his hair back, but there was nothing I wanted more in this world at that moment than to have it free and unconstrained for my fingers to run through. I slid my hands up his shoulders and around to the back of his neck, until I found the base of his ponytail. I felt the rough ridges of the hair tie under my fingers and I grasped and pulled. Apparently I had some luck that no one knew existed because it pulled smoothly out without so much as a snag. Then Jacob's hair was falling forward into my face, brushing my cheeks and driving me insane.

Jacob moaned into my mouth when I reached up and threaded my fingers through the hair on his scalp firmly and pulled him even closer, deepening the kiss even more. His hair was soft under my fingers and I thought I was in heaven, but then Jacob's teeth nipped lightly at my bottom lip and I had no idea.

I gasped into his mouth and his tongue followed swiftly in the path his teeth had taken, soothing the slight hurt that had brought much more pleasure than pain. My stomach flipped and swerved and hop-scotched around and my legs rose up of their own accord to tighten around Jacob's. His lips pressed harder into me and his hand slid up a little further.

My heart jumped in my throat when I felt the tips of his fingers bump the edge of my bra. Would he . . . ? Desire flared stronger than ever in my stomach. I _wanted_ him to touch me. Excitement and anticipation and maybe a little fear rose up inside me and I kissed him a little more urgently, urging him on.

I think it may have worked because he kissed me back just as urgently, and his fingers slipped a little higher, barely brushing the side of my breast. Surprised my strategy worked, especially one developed when my head was so muddy with desire that I could barely think at all, I sighed into Jacob's mouth and it seemed to give him courage. His right hand gripped my waist so tight it was almost painful and his left slid up a little higher, and then over.

I wasn't expecting that. I wasn't expecting the lust and desire to coming roaring up, stronger than almost anything I had ever felt. I wasn't expecting it to send my head spinning with such a simple, albeit intimate, touch. His hand was huge, covering my entire breast and warm enough for me to feel through my blouse and bra, hotter where his thumb and forefinger rested on my bare skin, above the neckline. I had never felt so good or so frustrated in my entire life.

Then Jacob's tongue traced along my lip again, his fingers tightening on me slightly, and I sort of lost it. I pulled my right hand down from his hair and covered his large hand with my small one. I let my fingers slip through the spaces between his and pushed, urging him to grip harder. He obeyed me for a second and I rose a little higher, moaning loudly into his mouth and then he was gone. His body, his hands, his lips, everything.

When I opened my eyes again I was on the ground, weak with desire, frustrated and very, very confused. Jacob was standing a few feet away with his back to me and his head in his hands, muttering oaths under his breath.

"Jake – " I attempted, but my voice was so small I doubt it carried to him, even over the short distance. "Jacob, what's – "

"Shit!" He exclaimed loudly, making me cut myself off. "Shit! Fuck – goddamn it – "

A realization crashed down on me, like I had been doused in ice water. Should I not have done that? Was that . . . wrong? It hadn't felt wrong.

"Jacob, I'm sorry," I started, taking a hesitant step towards him. "I – I didn't mean to –"

"You're – you're _sorry_?" He asked me incredulously, spinning around to face me. "I – I do the most – the most despicable – take advantage of you – "

"Take advantage of me?" It was my turn to sound incredulous. "You – you didn't – I _wanted _–"

I couldn't finish. How could I say it?

"I'm so sorry, Nessie," he swore, looking like he was about to drop onto his knees. I really hoped he didn't. "Please don't – don't hate me, I swear it'll never happen again – "

"No!" I exclaimed, surprised that it came out at almost a shout. I took a step forward and flinched when Jacob made as though he were going to back off. I held out my palm like a peace offering. "Here, just – just come here, Jake – let me show you."

Jacob looked at me warily as though it might be a trick, or as though I were lying about feeling taken advantage of. I waggled my fingers at him in an attempt at playfulness but he didn't acknowledge it, though he did step forward enough to let me reach his face.

I gripped his cheek that was still hotter than usual gently, and concentrated on the emotions and memories. I showed him how much I loved him, but he already knew that. Then I showed him the rest, the part that even still gave me a hard time sometimes: I showed him the desire.

I showed him the dreams, the very first one after which I woke to his face looming over me and the ones after it. Even with my new boldness, I couldn't linger on them, play each one out. I flipped through them quickly, just slow enough for him to catch the general gist of each one. I showed him how I felt when I saw him do certain things: tie his hair back, pull a t-shirt over his head, even things as simple as the way he drank from a glass.

I showed him how I felt when touched me, even casually, and how my stomach flipped when he smiled. Though I rushed through it, I showed him how hard it was for me to keep my fingers from tripping down my stomach sometimes when I thought of him. I showed him how it felt when he kissed me, how I ached for something I didn't understand. Then finally, I showed him how I felt when he called me his, claimed me. I forced myself to linger on this, show him the full extent of the desire and lust that swirled around inside me as he looked at me and held me and finally, as he touched me against side of the car.

Jacob's face remained stoic throughout, his progressively darkening eyes the only sign he was seeing anything at all. It was humiliating and embarrassing to show him this, to let him know how much I wanted him, in the most intimate way possible, but I had to do it. I couldn't let him think that he was – hurting me or taking advantage when it was something I wanted _so_ much.

I let my hand drop when I was through, feeling more vulnerable than I had when I told Jacob I loved him. That was probably because Jacob had gone first. He just kind of stared at me for a second and I was sure this was humiliation in its purest form. I had scared him, disgusted him. I felt tears start to rise up, hot and painful.

Jacob surprised me by leaning down and kissing me, firmly but chastely. No part of our bodies touched except our lips and he pulled back quickly.

"I – I didn't know," he finally said quietly after a few long moments. "I had no idea. I thought – I mean, I guessed, but – "

"Had no idea what?" I asked, getting a little worried now. Was this not normal? "Isn't that how . . . how people feel about the people they love?"

"Yes," Jacob answered cautiously, and I wished so badly that I could see inside his mind. "Yes, Nessie, but I just – you're just so young . . . I didn't expect it to be that . . . that strong."

"We both know I'm not a normal seven year old."

"That's not even what I meant."

I believed him.

"What did you mean then?"

"Just that you're young – I mean, even if you were sixteen, what we – what I just did would be illegal."

"I don't care about illegal, Jake," I said bluntly. "Would it be wrong?"

"I – I don't know."

I studied his face for a long time before I spoke again.

"Did it feel wrong?"

"No," he conceded, and didn't flinch back when I stepped forward. He reached for my hand and I gave it to him. "But Ness, I still really shouldn't have done that. It was – it was too fast for you."

The love and concern on his face made my heart ache.

"Can't I decide what's too fast for me?"

Jake exhaled and appeared thoughtful for a moment.

"You – you're a teenager," he said byway of explanation. "Your hormones are . . . weird right now, and I don't want to do something you'd regret."

"I would never regret you."

Jacob looked like he wanted to kiss me again. Not in the fierce, dark-eyed way like before, but like this afternoon in the car after he'd told me about my mother.

"It's just, think about it like this: this time yesterday we didn't even know how we felt about each other," he told me, and I could kind of see his point. "We have forever, Nessie. Literally."

"But forever seems so far away," I mumbled, feeling a little childish.

I was surprised but comforted when Jacob pulled me into a hug.

"I know it does, Ness," he said, and rubbed my back soothingly. "But . . . but we do. We have forever to . . . to let you . . . enjoy yourself, to take things slow. You only get to do everything first once."

"You sound like Dad."

"That's kind of gross," Jake said, and I shoved him in the chest playfully

"Don't worry, stupid, I definitely don't think of you like I think of Dad." Thank God, or I'd be more messed up than I thought. "I thought I showed you that."

"Yeah." His voice was a little strange, which was only to be expected, I guess.

"Did – did I freak you out?"

"No," he said quickly. It was dark, but I think I saw him turn a little pink. "I – I liked it. It's . . . nice to know you think of me how I think of you."

He . . . thought about me like that? Like I thought about him? I guess it only made sense. I knew he loved me . . . like _that_, so didn't it makes sense that lust went along with it? I still had to make sure.

"You . . . think of me like that?"

I was glad Jake didn't take the question for anything other than what it was, that for one time he didn't assume the worst.

"Of course I do, Nessie," he said quietly, and my stomach tightened at the thought. He tugged on my hand. "Let's go – we've been standing out here awhile."

Jacob opened the door for me and helped me inside. My hand felt very cold once he let it go, so I tucked it under me. Jacob got in a second later and soon we were speeding off. My head was still spinning over what he had told me.

"You don't – do you still want to go see a movie?" He asked hesitantly.

I shook my head, leaning a little tiredly against the door. Neither of us had gotten much sleep last night and I was very emotionally exhausted.

"Let's go home," I said. Jacob stiffened weirdly and it took me a second to realize he misunderstood my comment. "Anywhere you are is home, Jake."

He relaxed visibly, smiling crookedly and my heart warmed.

Once we were back at the hotel, the first thing I did was kick off my heels. Jake smirked at me and I was glad to see he was mostly back to normal. I unclasped the hairclip and massaged my scalp, a little sore since the hair wasn't used to being pulled in that direction. Jacob lounged on the bed and watched me interestedly.

"Let me guess," I said. "You've never had tender scalp before?"

"Nope," he said, then his face became a little worried. "Does your head hurt?"

"Just a little tender," I told him. "I'll be fine."

I gathered my pajamas and toothbrush from my backpack and padded off to the bathroom. I decided to forgo my bra simply because the pushup was uncomfortable and I didn't feel like going back out to get another one. I never wore one to sleep at home anyway. I did have a small ulterior motive though. Jacob _did_ say he thought of me sometimes like I thought of him and well . . . who was it going to hurt?

I brushed my teeth, then rolled my bra up into my jeans and folded my new top nicely before I left the bathroom. Jacob had already changed into black sweatpants and his "undershirt" from the wedding and was lounging on the bed with the remote, flipping through the TV channels. I set my stuff on the chair since I didn't feel like stuffing it back into my backpack right now and crawled across Jake to lay beside him.

He held his arm out for me and I complied, curling against his side with my head on his shoulder so he could wrap a hot bare arm around me.

"What d'you feel like watching?" He asked. I shrugged in response, knowing he would feel it.

"Can we get under the covers?"

"Sure, sure."

He quickly rolled off the bed and pulled the blankets back so I could crawl under them. He looked for a second like he wasn't going to follow, but I gave him pretty please eyes and he relented. We quickly took up our previous position and Jake grabbed the remote again.

"Hey, listen," he said after a few minutes of silence in which he flipped through the twenty channels we had over and over again. "I'm sorry for messing tonight up."

"No, Jacob," I protested, turning my head and resting my chin instead of my cheek on him so I could look him in the face. "The part you think ruined everything was actually the best part of the night."

I would spend half my life blushing anyway, what was the point in even attempting to avoid it?

"Can I ask you something?" He asked abruptly, so I assumed he was trying to change the subject.

"If I can ask you something after," I allowed.

"Done."

I laughed a little against his chest. "What is it?"

"I – when we . . . kissed earlier," Jake stumbled, and I found his nervousness cute. "Your lips tasted really good. I mean, they always – it's just, well – really _sweet_, so I didn't know if –"

"It was lip-gloss," I said, cutting him off and saving him some rambling. I wanted to kiss him again. "It was flavored – I bought it this afternoon."

Jake turned pink. "Oh."

"Did you like it?"

"Was that your question?" He asked.

"No," I asked, narrowing my eyes a little. "Do I get another if you answer that?"

"Well," he said, dragging out the short 'e' sound and pretending to be thinking about it. "Since I love you, you can have both."

I grinned in triumph and gazed at him expectantly, waiting for his answer.

Most of the joking dropped out of his tone when he said, "Yeah, I liked it. A lot."

I smiled again, this time feeling more like a Cheshire cat.

"So what was your other question that I so graciously allowed you to have?"

My smug grin disappeared then, replaced by nervousness. I hoped he wouldn't be angry at my asking.

"Remember when you said that you . . . think about me how I think about you?" I asked and Jake nodded. "Well, I was just wondering . . . how, or . . . I mean, why . . . no, that doesn't make sense. Ugh."

This was frustrating. A perfect situation opened for me to ask my question and now I couldn't ask it. Jacob chuckled, the movement shaking both of us slightly.

He dropped his head down to kiss the crown of my head.

"Do you mean what about you do I . . . find attractive?"

I nodded, felt my face burn red and buried it in Jake's t-shirt. Talk about making it sound like I was fishing for compliments. It sounded much worse out loud than it did in my head. I was honestly just curious.

"Never mind, Jacob, you don't have to answer it – I was just wondering – "

"No, no, I'll answer," Jacob replied, surprising me. "You really seem much more surprised than you should that I think about you . . . like that."

"I just – "

"Your hair," Jacob started, and I immediately fell silent. I wanted to remember every word of this. "I love how long and thick and curly it is, and I love the color. I like how it moves when you wear it down."

I felt the arm of Jacob's that was behind me fingering the curls at my waist and I sighed contentedly.

"I like your lips, too. They're probably my favorite, all soft and pretty and they . . . they taste good. Don't think I'm creepy or anything, but sometimes I used to wonder if . . . if I ever got to kiss you, what they would taste like."

I had to actually cross my legs in an attempt to ease the tension forming between them.

"And that," Jacob said then, confusing me. His voice was a little lower than before. "When you bite your lip like that, it's really – I just – I really like it."

I released my lip from between my teeth, not even aware I had been biting it. Did I do that a lot?

"And you smell really good," Jake continued, and I wasn't about to stop him if he was on a roll. "I like to watch you read, and cook, but I'm not sure why. I love that you go barefoot wherever you can and that even though you're way smarter than me, you still trust my decisions. I like how you don't let Emmett kill baby bears and how any mention of a wolf makes you perk up . . . and I love how much you love me, even when I don't deserve it. I love how easily you forgive me, even after I make you cry, and. . . God, Ness, you're just perfect. I just love every single thing about you."

I wanted to laugh. I wanted to cry. I wanted to kiss him.

I _really_ wanted to kiss him.

* * *

**Coming up:**

"And if I'm anywhere near perfect it's because for the entire seven years of my life I've been copying you."

Jacob's arm tightened around my waist and before I knew it, he had pulled me half on top of him. My right leg fell into the space between his and my hands gripped his shoulders to steady myself. Our faces were only inches apart and Jacob lifted his head further, until his nose slid past mine, until our lips were millimeters from touching.

"Can I kiss you, Nessie?"

I wanted to. Oh, God, more than anything else in the world I wanted to. But I had to do something first.

"Why do you always ask, Jacob?"

!-- /* Font Definitions */ font-face {font-family:"Cambria Math"; panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:1; mso-generic-font-family:roman; mso-font-format:other; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:0 0 0 0 0 0;} /* Style Definitions */ , , {mso-style-unhide:no; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; margin:0cm; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";} .MsoChpDefault {mso-style-type:export-only; mso-default-props:yes; font-size:10.0pt; mso-ansi-font-size:10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt;} page Section1 {size:612.0pt 792.0pt; margin:72.0pt 90.0pt 72.0pt 90.0pt; mso-header-margin:36.0pt; mso-footer-margin:36.0pt; mso-paper-source:0;} 1 {page:Section1;} --


	24. In Which There is a Concession

**A/N: **Okay - so, voting has started over at The Sparkle Awards! It lasts until July 31st. So as promised, here's your announcement and your extra chapter! If you get a minute (I know you've got a few), please, if you think_ Hands on Me_ is deserving, head over and give a quick vote. Here's the sight:

_**thesparkleawards(dot)yolasite(dot)com**_

Also, the lovely **GinaN.B.** has received several nominations, so make sure you vote for her too! P.S. - Go check out chapter four (No Eardrum Busting Today) of _Undeniable_! Yes, I have turned into a shameless self-promoter.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Something by Shakira or anything from Twilight. I don't even own the right to say I've seen the New Moon trailer. I have seen the poster shot of Jacob though. :)

* * *

In Which There is a Concession

* * *

_i love the temperature and smell of your body  
__the shape of your lips and the size of your nose  
__i love that everything you say is so funny  
plus, you're the best kisser that i've ever known_

_- shakira, something_

-

I flipped over onto my stomach, buried my face into Jake's neck and inhaled deeply, the smell of forests and autumn and maple syrup and something slightly animalistic that lingered on the edges overwhelming me. I kissed the junction between his neck and shoulder gently and felt him tense under me, but he didn't stop me.

"You smell really good too," I told him quietly, knowing he would hear. "Sometimes I can't even hug you without getting lightheaded. I love to cook for you and clean your room and wash your clothes and I don't know why, but it makes me feel good. I think one of the major reasons I go barefoot most of the time is because you do and I grew up wanting to be exactly like you."

I kissed the side of his neck gently and Jacob tensed under me again. I felt the fingers that had previously been resting against my waist curl into a fist at the small of my back.

"I have absolutely no idea why you think I'm smarter than you, since you teach me new things everyday, but I obviously trust your decisions. If you told me to jump from a plane without a parachute and promised I'd be okay, I'd do it, no questions asked. I don't let Emmett kill baby bears because it's wrong but also because if you look too quickly, bears look a lot like wolves and I wouldn't be able to stand that."

I reached up a little further, my fingers twisting in Jacob's t-shirt, and kissed the underside of his jaw. He inhaled sharply.

"I perk up every time someone mentions wolves because it reminds me of you and you're my favorite subject. I love you as hard as I can, and sometimes it feels like my heart just might explode from it, but it will never be as much as you deserve. I forgive you every time you make me cry, because most of the time it wasn't even you anyway, just me overreacting over something stupid."

I didn't know where my eloquence was coming from, and I wasn't going to question it. I had relied for too long on using my gift, I wasn't used to verbally expressing to people how I felt. But this was so natural, simple truths, easy as breathing. Like loving Jake.

I stretched up as far as I could and pressed a kiss to the very corner of Jacob's mouth, his lips taunting me from mere millimeters away.

"And if I'm anywhere near perfect it's because for the entire seven years of my life I've been copying you."

Jacob's arm tightened around my waist and before I knew it, he had pulled me half on top of him. My right leg fell into the space between his and my hands gripped his shoulders to steady myself. Our faces were only inches apart and Jacob lifted his head further, until his nose slid past mine, until our lips were millimeters from touching.

"Can I kiss you, Nessie?"

I wanted to. Oh, God, more than anything else in the world I wanted to. But I had to do something else first.

"Why do you always ask, Jacob?"

"Because I have to be sure," he panted, his eyes darkening a little but still warm. "I have to be sure you want it too because if I ever made you push me away it would hurt too much."

"Take this as perpetual permission," I granted, my eyes feeling a little wet at his honesty. "You can kiss me whenever you want. In public, in private, while I'm asleep or awake, it doesn't matter. Just find me. Just find me, Jacob, and I'll kiss you breathless."

Jacob's eyes got darker and I saw his neck straining as he tried to lift his head further, but he couldn't. He was waiting for me to come to him now.

"Come here then," he whispered, and my spine shivered at his tone.

I leaned forward slowly, trying to tease him like he did me, but I doubt it worked because I was too eager. I couldn't wait too long. Jacob's let his head fall back against the pillows as I began to lean in, and I realized this time when I bit my lip since he had just mentioned it. I guess I did it more than I thought.

I gave Jacob a large, slow smile when our lips were almost brushing. He could have lifted his head and captured my lips now, but he didn't. I don't think I could have ever got tired of watching his face when he looked like that.

"Can I kiss you, Jacob?" I asked, teasing.

"Damn it, Nessie," he swore, but he stayed where he was.

I closed the final inch and then my lips were on Jacob's again. He wasted no time parting his lips under mine and running his tongue along the crease of my lips, begging for entrance. I consented, and once again had my head sent spinning by the taste of him.

My arms were trapped between us and I pulled them free, resting them on either side of Jacob's head. My weight fell completely on him and I could feel the heat from his body easily through the two layers that separated us.

I felt my shirt ride up on my back as I pushed myself further up Jacob's body, felt the cool sheets press against my skin. I tried to push myself harder into Jake, wanting to feel my entire body against his, but I was too short and not strong enough. I wanted to feel his weight on me, hot and strong, pressed up against me like earlier outside of the restaurant. I didn't weigh enough to apply enough pressure.

I started trying to slide off Jacob's body, to the side, while I stayed connected with his lips. Always the worrier, I think Jake assumed I was trying to get away, because he pulled back.

"Turn over," I said quickly, before he could say anything about going too far or taking advantage or stopping. "It's more comfortable."

He looked a little wary, like he didn't believe me.

"I – I'm not too heavy?" He asked, his hands on my waist keeping me from turning us myself. "I'm always afraid I'll hurt you."

"No," I said, shaking my head and trying to urge him with my body to roll over. "I – I like it. You're so big and warm and – and not too heavy."

I leant down and kissed him deeply and I didn't have to ask again. He rolled us until I was pressed against him exactly like I wanted to be. He weighed much more than me, so he pressed into me harder and it was _so_ much better. I parted my legs slightly to give him a place to lay and a jolt rocketed through me.

Jacob's hand rested low on my waist now and when he moved his fingers, they brushed the exposed skin there. I gasped into his mouth and he pulled away and I knew what he was going to say before he said it.

"I think we need to stop, Nessie," he whispered into my lips. I caught his in another kiss before he continued, "Slow, remember?"

"Slow, Jacob," I told him emphatically, reaching up a little to kiss his jaw. "Not stop, just slow – that's what you said."

"Yeah, but I think we just . . . ." He cut himself off by kissing me again and I smirked when I saw that I was winning. ". . . it's just . . . slow and . . . "

"Slow," I agreed, nodding and pulling him back down on me. I kissed him softly and gently, toned down the urgency as best I could. "Slow."

Jacob seemed to agree, and continued to kiss me, slow and deep kisses that were almost as good as the fierce ones. We stayed like this for awhile, but the desire in my stomach built steadily, like a stoked fire, until it was worse than before.

I reached down slowly to place my hand over the one of Jacob's that rested low on my waist, just above my hips. I gently guided his hand up, over the fabric, until his fingers were resting lightly against the very top of my ribcage, inches from my goal.

Just as I was preparing to shift his fingers the final inch, he pulled back away.

"Nessie – "

"It's what I want," I said firmly, not backing down from the sternness in his gaze. "You've already done it, so I don't – "

"I've already smoked, too," he returned, not backing down either and I shivered despite myself. "But you made me stop."

That analogy stung. Jacob was comparing touching me to smoking? To something that gave you cancer and emphysema and . . . and hurt you. Something that was bad for you. Was I bad for Jacob?

My voice wasn't firm or angry or anything but hurt when I said, "Is touching me going to make you sick, Jacob?"

Jacob's eyes widened and I think he realized how his words had sounded. I felt a little better knowing he hadn't meant it like that.

"No – Nessie, I – " He cut himself off again to kiss me, but my lips weren't as pliable under his as usual and I know he felt it. "That's not how I meant – I would never – you don't know how _bad_ I want to touch you, but – "

"Then why don't you?"

His fingers tightened along my very top rib and I inhaled sharply, unable to stop myself.

"Because I'm afraid I won't be able to stop."

At first I didn't understand. What would be wrong with not being able to stop touching me? But then I remembered, of all the things to remember, the disgusting man from our first night in California. I remembered peeking through my parents' bedroom door that night years ago. And I remembered lust, and what the driving force behind it was, the reason it existed.

Sex.

I don't know why it – it never occurred to me before. I knew what sex was, obviously, had had that talk years ago. I guess what Jacob said was right: for a smart girl, I was pretty dumb. I always missed the big picture. I had to get it piece at a time until finally I understood, months too late.

That was what my body was reaching for, working towards. The thing I wanted but didn't understand. I knew how men's bodies worked, and women's too, and how they worked together but I never really thought about it beyond that. I had never applied it to myself, or to Jacob. Even when mention of the Volturi came up, and whether or not I was fertile and I imagined myself holding black-haired, toffee-skinned children I didn't think of it like that. I was too preoccupied with the end result to think about the means.

I remembered Jacob that morning in the bathroom, and was confused. I thought I understood, but now my understanding was muddled. How did . . . that help? Did it work that way for girls too? And what was the purpose of it – I mean, I knew sex was pleasurable, but the main purpose of it was to procreate.

I never realized how sheltered I had been until then. I felt very, very young.

So did I want to . . . have sex with Jacob? I mean, my body obviously wanted to and . . . and that's what people who loved each other did. I had known, intellectually, that sex was supposed to be pleasurable, but when it was explained to me years ago it just seemed invasive. How could you want someone that close? Literally connected to you, a part of you, as close as it was possible to get? I thought of it for the first time in a personal way, focusing on the emotions and not the technicalities.

I imagined myself and Jacob, naked, under these very sheets. Our bodies moving together like my parents' had. I imagined having Jacob that close, a part of me. I imagined myself in the position I had seen my mother in, not like an outsider, but like I was there. I imagined Jacob above me, closer than close, as intimate as it was possible to be. A thrill ran through me.

I wanted it.

Not now, not tomorrow, not when I had just figured it out. But I did want it, one day.

And Jake wanted it too?

I knew Jacob loved me as much as it was possible to love someone, but it was still hard to wrap my head around. I was . . . touched, flattered that Jacob wanted to be that close to me. That he wanted and loved me that much. And that he was holding himself back because he was scared of hurting me.

I thought about how much pleasure I drew simply from kissing his lips, but what if I could kiss all of him? A simple touch from Jacob was enough to send my head spinning with desire, but what if he could touch all of me? As amazing as it was to have Jacob pressed against me like this, with only two thin layers separating us, how much more amazing would it be if nothing was? If there were no barriers?

And just because I wasn't quite ready to . . . to have sex with him yet, that didn't mean we couldn't . . . do something. Didn't most people work their way slowly up? I knew, as much as Jacob may be worried about not being able to stop, that he would. He would if I asked him to. He would never force me.

The question was, would I be strong enough to ask? Because even now, as I thought about it, and knew logically that I wasn't ready for that final step, I still wanted more. How did you balance it out?

"Nessie?" I heard Jacob say, snapping me out of my reverie. "I'm sorry if I – scared you – "

"No," I told him, shaking my head fervently. "I was just . . . figuring some things out."

I felt the hand of Jacob's that was under mine attempt to pull away but I pressed quickly down, holding it there.

"Nessie – '

"I trust you, Jacob," I told him seriously, making sure he was looking directly in my face so he couldn't doubt me. "I _know_ you would never force me, and you need to start trusting yourself. I know you would stop if I asked you to."

"Of course not, Ness, I would never – I couldn't – "

"I know that," I told him, leaning up to kiss his lips once softly before pulling back. "But you don't seem to."

"I just can't take any chances with you," he whispered, letting his head fall forward and his hair fell around us again. "Sound familiar?"

"You're right, Jacob," I said, a little nervously. "I'm not ready for . . . that yet, but I still . . . I still want to be close to you."

"I'm always close to you, Nessie," Jacob promised and kissed me again. I liked these kisses, soft and casual, comfortable. "We don't have to . . . prove that, or . . . anything."

"I'm not trying to prove anything," I said. "I'm – I just . . . I want to kiss you, and touch you, and I know . . . you said it yourself that you . . . you want to touch me too. So, slow, right?"

"But why are you suddenly so adamant about this . . . in particular?"

I shook my head and shrugged a little, the movement muted under his weight. "I – it feels good, and right, and you . . . you want to too, even though you're trying to pretend you don't."

Jacob seemed a little surprised about something in my sentence, but I didn't know what it was until he spoke.

"So it . . . it feels good for you when I . . . touch you there?"

My eyes widened in amazement. How could he think it didn't?

"Yes," I said breathlessly.

"You're not just pushing it because . . . because you think it's what I want?"

Oh, my Jacob. My sweet Jacob.

"The fact that you want to touch me too is just a really amazing bonus," I said honestly, kissing him again. I would never get tired of his lips. I sighed against them. "I can't force you, Jake. I won't push you anymore, I just . . . just know that I want it too, more than anything."

I expected him to nod, roll off of me and pull me into his chest. I expected him to say we needed to sleep, which we did, because we hadn't in a while and even then, it wasn't for long. I expected him to take me up on my offer to stop.

But he didn't. He leant back in and continued kissing me softly, picking up where we left off as though our conversation never occurred. I could taste him better like this, when the kisses were slow and deep. I could concentrate on the shape of his mouth and his teeth and his tongue and the way his body felt against mine, how I could feel every muscle in his chest and stomach. Jacob's hand slid out from under mine and to the side, then up until the sides of his fingers were just barely brushing me.

My heartbeat picked up and desire flared in my stomach. Then Jacob slid his hand over and he was exactly where I wanted him. I gasped a little into his mouth at the heat, and the . . . closeness that wasn't there before because of the second layer. He squeezed gently and moaned into my mouth in surprise, and I knew he could tell my skin had given too easily under his.

I made the almost-whining-sound when he pulled back.

"You're not – you're not wearing – "

"Is that okay?" I asked breathlessly. I was so glad to finally have my way, I didn't want to push too far. And I _didn't_ want to stop.

"Are _you_ okay?"

"Yes," I promised, nodding fervently and straining up to kiss him, which he let me do. "Better than okay."

He nodded a few times like he was trying to convince himself before he leaned back in and recaptured my lips. Jacob moved his hand slowly across my breast, barely applying pressure, but I felt my body react to the heat of his hand anyway and I blushed despite myself. He inhaled a little sharply and I knew he had felt me harden against him. Was that a normal reaction?

Then his thumb swept across the very center of my breast and I didn't care. My body arched against Jacob and I pushed myself into him as hard as I could and there was no denying it this time, I whined. Jacob's breathing was starting to become uneven and he let more of his weight drop onto me, pressing into me harder. One of my legs crept, of its own accord, up the side of Jacob's and around, using it to pull him closer.

He slid his thumb across me again, harder this time, a little experimentally, as though to see if he would get the same reaction the second time. He did. I arched my back into his hand and without meaning to, bit down hard on his lip. I was immediately horrified with myself, but Jacob's only reaction was to exhale sharply into my mouth and kiss me harder so I guess I hadn't hurt him too badly. I let my tongue follow along the place I had bitten, trying to sooth the hurt and was jolted by the taste.

I hadn't tasted it in years, but I had by no means forgotten it: Jacob's blood. Before I could stop myself, I had pulled his lip gently between mine and began to suck. It was strange – it didn't taste good in the normal way, the way elk did, nourishing. It was just . . . Jacob.

Jacob massaged my breast harder and moaned into my mouth and I literally couldn't stop. After a few seconds, though, I forced myself to. Jake look confused as I pulled back and pressed a finger against his lips, his eyes clouded with lust. I knew the feeling.

"Let it heal," I whispered byway of explanation, and ran my finger gently against the rapidly healing wound. "I can't – your blood tastes – too good, I – "

Jacob's tongue darted out to feel across his lip, brushing my finger in the process and I was forced to bite my own lip to keep an embarrassing sound from escaping. Another one, at least.

"I . . . don't mind," he said, a little hesitantly, after a few seconds. "If you – if you like it, I don't mind."

Was Jacob giving me permission to bite him? Like I did when I was younger, bite him and drink his blood? It was the same now as it was then – I didn't bite him from thirst, but because he was mine. I remember biting him when I won an argument or wrestling match (only now did I realize he let me win), or caught the biggest elk, to prove a point. To mark my territory. I'd felt very possessive of Jacob, even then.

"Another night," I whispered, and leaned up to kiss his lips experimentally. I ran my tongue along the place where the wound was and was both relieved and disappointed to find it sealed, though I could still taste the lingering vestiges of iron and salt. "I'm a little preoccupied with this right now. Sorry for biting you."

"I liked it," Jacob confessed.

Then his lips were on mine and I couldn't reply. Not that I tried that hard.

* * *

**Coming up:**

"This helps," he said gruffly, and pulled me a little tighter, making my back arch in order to be closer, bow against him. "You don't know how much this helps."

I wanted to believe him. Jacob brought me comfort simply by his presence, so maybe I did that for him too. I hoped I did.

I tried to put myself in Jacob's situation, to pretend I was him. What would I want? If I had just lost my father, what would be the only possible thing that could make me feel better? Make me forget for even a few seconds?

And then I knew. Once again, so simple that I missed it.


	25. In Which Home is Where You Are

**A/N: **All right, peoples, here's another chapter. The next chapter of _Undeniable_ is up too, since I update them in tandem. I want to thank everyone who voted for me, and ask them to keep voting, since I think you can once a day or something like that. Anyway, my author's notes are always extremely short or ridiculously long and this is starting to look like the latter. I don't have much to say besides what I've already said so go forth, read and vote!

I would also like to say sorry for not replying to people's reviews like usual. I will start back up like normal when I get home.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Twilight or any Ashlee Simpson songs. I also own the knowledge that Ashlee Simpson doesn't have a brain for letting her husband name her son Bronx Mowgli.

* * *

In Which Home is Where You Are

* * *

_the sky is fallin, and it's early in the mornin'  
but it's okay, somehow_

_- ashlee simpson, better off_

-

"Nessie?" I heard vaguely. "Nessie, honey, wake up."

I felt a warm hand brush my hair back from my face and my eyes fluttered slowly open to see Jacob leaning over the bed beside me.

"Good morning," I said, a little sleepily, but still managing a smile.

"Morning," Jacob returned quietly, but his smile was half-hearted. "You about ready to get up?"

My eyes slid over Jacob's body to see he was dressed in blue jeans and a t-shirt, not his clothes from last night.

"Sure," I said, pushing myself into a sitting position, my bones feeling weak but rested. "Why are you already dressed?"

"I, um . . . I was wanting to go see . . . Billy."

I felt as though an electric shock had been delivered directly to my spine. I was awake now, completely. Was Jacob waiting on me to wake up? For how long?

"When is it?" I asked.

"I'm not sure," he confessed. He opened his mouth to add on to that sentence, but I was already out of the bed and halfway to the bathroom, backpack in hand.

"You should have woken me up, Jake!" I called as I dressed hurriedly, pulling on the first bra, jeans and t-shirt I laid hands on and leaving my pajamas in a heap on the floor. "You can't miss it so I can get my beauty sleep!"

I was already striding back into the room, pulling my hair up into a messy bun as I went. I threw my shoes on without bothering with socks or tying them and quickly collected the black bag, holding my other hand out for Jacob.

"Come on, Jake, I'm ready – let's go," I urged, waggling my fingers at him.

My heart pounded nervously in my chest. It was already my fault Jacob wasn't there in person, that he didn't even get to tell his father goodbye, and he was _not_ going to miss his last chance for closure because of me. Jacob looked at me with a mixture of endearment and concern, but he led me swiftly out the door anyway.

As soon as we were a few hundred yards into the wooded area, I gripped Jacob's hand even tighter and broke into a distinctly inhumanly fast run. Jacob kept up with me easily, of course, and a minute later we were several miles in.

"Is here okay?" I asked, breathless not from my run, but my nerves.

Jacob fell silent and I knew he was listening carefully for any signs of human life. Or vampire life, but I didn't want to think about that right now. After a few long moments he nodded and reached to pull his shirt over his head. He handed it to me and I slung it over my shoulder like always. Then Jacob kind of just stood there for a second and he looked . . . scared.

He opened his mouth and it looked for a moment as though he were going to say something, but then he turned on his heel and strode towards a thicket of bushes a few yards away. I couldn't let him go looking like that to face his dad's funeral, something I couldn't even attend with him, so I dashed after him and caught his hand.

Jacob turned around to look at me in surprise and I could see how he had begun to let his face fall once he had his back to me, could see the sadness and despair creeping into his features. I reached up quickly and wrapped both my hands around the back of his neck, pulling him down to me with every bit of my strength. I pressed my lips to his firmly, and while he seemed taken aback at first, his lips melted quickly into mine, kissing me back. After a few seconds though, I knew I had to pull away.

"Don't be scared, my Jacob, okay?" I whispered, and kissed his full lips again quickly. "I love you, and I'm going to be with you the whole time."

Jacob's eyes fluttered closed for a moment and he leant down further and brushed his lips lightly against mine. "I love you too, Nessie. Th – thank you."

He pulled away and retreated to the bushes to phase and I turned my back to him and began to make myself comfortable on the ground. Jacob didn't trot to me this time like he usually did, but walked slowly, subdued, and kneeled until his huge head was resting gently in my lap.

I scratched behind wolf-Jacob's ears gently and tried not to look at his eyes because I knew he was seeing things that were hard for him. He began whining slightly after awhile and I clutched at his fur tightly, but I had no other idea about how to help him.

After maybe an hour, Jacob rose suddenly from my lap, still whining piteously and scratched at the ground. He tilted his head back and let out a low, deep howl. One that wouldn't carry far enough for any surrounding humans to hear it, but enough to express heart-wrenching sorrow. I could feel my heart tearing at his pain.

When I rose to my feet to go to him, he turned and loped quickly back to the bushes and I reflexively closed my eyes to give him time to phase. I gave him about fifteen seconds before I opened my eyes, which should have been more than enough time for Jacob to phase and pull his jeans on but he still wasn't back.

"Jake?" I called hesitantly, taking a few small steps towards the bushes he had disappeared into.

I heard an unfortunately familiar shaking exhalation and next thing I knew I was running to him, and I didn't care whether he was dressed or not. He was though, sitting with his feet planted flat on the ground and his bare back braced against a tree, his face in his hands like the night before last. It felt like so far away – so much had happened since then. Jacob hadn't even had time to mourn Billy; I had kept him from that. I felt incredibly guilty.

"Oh, Jake," I said softly, kneeling beside him and wrapping an arm around his bare shoulders, hotter than usual since he had just recently phased. "I'm so sorry."

He looked abruptly up at me and his eyes were wet. I didn't know what to do. I had been with Jacob while he cried before, only a few nights ago, but I didn't know if I would be able to keep myself together if I had to watch the tears fall in front of me.

"My Dad, Nessie," he said, sounding for all the world like a lost little boy. I realized this was the first time I had ever heard him refer to Billy as his dad. "My Dad."

A solitary tear escaped from the corner of his eye and began to weave its way down his cheek and I couldn't take it. I leaned forward and pressed my lips right against the tear, stopping it dead in its tracks. I could feel Jacob's warm cheekbone and the wetness from the tear against my lips. I pulled back to see another so I leaned in and caught that one too.

"I'm so sorry, my Jacob. I'm so, so sorry."

I cradled his face gently in my hands, reaching with my thumbs to wipe another few stray tears. Jacob kept trying to turn his head, hide his face from me, but I wouldn't let him.

"Stop it, Jacob," I told him, softly but firmly. "Don't hide from me. It's okay to cry if you need to, but don't hide from me."

He stopped struggling in my hands, but averted his gaze, lowering it to the knee of my jeans and keeping it there. Two more tears slid down his cheek.

I wanted to comfort him, but I wasn't sure how. I had done it before, but now I was at a loss. Before, he wanted me close, and now he seemed not to. I tried to tell myself that it was just because he was upset, but it still stung. I wanted to cradle him against my chest like I had done last time, but I already knew he wouldn't be as compliant as he had been. So what to do?

I made a split-second decision, standing up and throwing one of my legs across him and sitting down until I was straddling him. It was a tighter fit than usual, his bent knees caging me in, trapping me between his legs and his chest. It was better though, because it made it more difficult for Jacob to avoid me.

As I settled across his hips, Jacob's hands rose to rest on either side of my waist, a reflex reaction. I leaned forward a little and placed my elbows on Jacob's shoulders, cradling his head gently in my forearms. He was tense for a few seconds, but then he leaned in and buried his face in my neck. I could feel the moisture from his tears on my skin, the heat of his breath too and I forced down my body's reaction.

I felt Jacob's hands release my waist, replaced a second later by his arms wrapping tightly around me, pulling me flush up against him. I knew Jacob was strong, but I was impressed then by his strength, how tightly he held me. I could feel the muscles in his arms against my back and sides, taut and warm, and felt ridiculously safe. I felt as though nothing could reach me here.

But I wasn't the one who needed that comfort. Jake was, and I couldn't give it to him.

"Do you want to go home, Jacob?" I asked softly, knowing he would know which home I meant. The one that was wherever he was. "Or do you want to stay here?"

"Can we stay?" He asked in a voice that was entirely too small to be coming out of such a large person. My heart broke for him all over again.

"Of course we can, Jake," I soothed, scratching my nails lightly on his scalp, something that was quickly becoming habit. "Whatever you need. Tell me what I can do for you. What can I do to help you feel better?"

"This helps," he said gruffly, and pulled me a little tighter, making my back arch in order to be closer, bow against him. "You don't know how much this helps."

I wanted to believe him. Jacob brought me comfort simply by his presence, so maybe I did that for him too. I hoped I did.

I tried to put myself in Jacob's situation, to pretend I was him. What would I want? If I had just lost my father, what would be the only possible thing that could make me feel better? Make me forget for even a few seconds?

And then I knew. Once again, so simple that I missed it.

"Jacob?" I asked softly, and it was a second before lifted his head from my shoulder and looked up.

His face was tear-streaked and I couldn't stand it. I leant in and kissed his full lips once quickly, pulling back before he had time to respond. When I went in for another, Jacob was ready and he kissed me back, slowly but not unwillingly. Soft, close-mouthed kisses that were nice and sweet but driving me insane. I didn't know how Jacob kept himself under control, but it probably had something to do with the fact that the person he was kissing wasn't half as amazing as the one I was.

After a few more of these kisses, Jacob pulled back a little further than he had been and didn't immediately return. My eyes fluttered open.

"Don't – don't do this for me," he whispered, his arms loosening their hold on me, sliding back until both of his hands were resting gently against the small of my back. "Don't do this just because you're trying to make me feel better."

"Shut up, Jacob," I whispered back and kissed him again, but he wouldn't respond.

I parted my lips slightly and kissed him again, let my tongue trace along his bottom lip, requesting entrance. Jacob's lips opened slightly, seeming more like a reflex than a response, but I took advantage of it. I let my tongue flit lightly into the small space between his lips, then kissed him, pressing my bottom lip into the exact place my tongue had been.

Jacob responded then, his control breaking or maybe he just realized he wasn't going to win this one, and he began to kiss me back. We kissed like we had last night, slowly but deeply, since we were in no rush. We had all the time in the world.

After awhile, I felt Jacob's legs move behind me, straighten out. He moved us slowly, in stages, until we were lying on the forest floor, his body pressing down on top of mine the way I liked best. When I tried to lie my head back against the ground though, my bun pressed uncomfortably into the back of my head and I had to break the kiss.

Jake wasn't breathless, since we weren't exerting ourselves, but his heartbeat fluttered faster than usual. His face was still pink but I could hardly see any trace of the tears and I was happy. He looked down at me in confusion as I began fidgeting under him, trying to free my arms and lift my head to undo my hair.

I pulled the hair-tie out quickly and pulled my hair out from under me, throwing it up past my head, not caring how it looked. It was more comfortable and now I could get back to kissing Jacob, but when I reached up to his neck to pull him back down to me, he wouldn't comply. He just continued to look down at me, something I couldn't read in his eyes.

"You're so beautiful," he told me, his eyes taking in my face and my hair spread all around me and apparently it was not a bad sight. I felt myself turn pink. "I can't believe you're mine."

"I think the same thing sometimes," I returned quietly, straining up to kiss just under his jaw. "You're beautiful too, Jake. I hope you know that."

Jacob gave me a small smile, and it was the best I could hope for under the circumstances. At least he wasn't crying anymore. He began kissing my neck then, and if I could have thrown my head back, I would've. My hands reached up to thread through his hair and pull him closer, but he held himself firm, chuckling against my skin.

"Patience, Nessie," he whispered.

My stomach clenched at his words and as I remembered my dream, how he had said the exact same thing. Then I remembered how I had showed him some of my dreams and my face went red, but luckily Jacob didn't notice since his attention was otherwise occupied. Did he see that when I showed him? Was that why he used those particular words? I couldn't bring myself to care too much at that point because Jacob had just ran his tongue lightly along my pulse point and it felt _so good_ and for a minute I couldn't think of anything at all.

I gasped as he continued, his tongue flicking out in surprising places and forcing me to moan and clench my legs tightly together.

"Your skin tastes good, Ness," he whispered after awhile, and my stomach clenched again.

Why did he have to say things like that? Was he trying to drive me crazy?

My hands slid from his head and downwards, reveling in the feeling of his hot bare skin under my fingers. I hadn't been this close to Jacob when he was without his shirt since before we had cleared everything up and it was very different, knowing that you were allowed to touch. I ran my hands along his shoulders and traced my fingers across his collarbone, trying to distract myself from Jacob's teasing, head-spinning kisses on my neck.

I let my hands travel down further to explore the planes of Jacob's chest, how hard it was and yet soft at the same time: strong muscles overlapped with velvet skin. This did little to distract me from my frustration; it only helped to build it up. Now I wanted to know how it tasted, if Jacob would like it if I ran my tongue along the path my hands were taking.

My fingers brushed gently across Jacob's chest, the muscles in his torso tensing as he hardened under my fingers like I had done under his last night. His kisses on my neck faltered and he let out a shaky breath, but this one was much different than the ones before it. I took page from his book and did him like he had done me, brushing my fingers over him again, stronger than before.

"Ness – " he whispered huskily, his nose tracing its way up my neck and towards my jaw. Maybe he was finally heading back to my lips.

"Does that feel good?" I asked, brushing my fingers over him once more and he let out a sharp breath that I could feel against my skin.

"Yes, that feels good," he said, a little tightly, and I felt a surge of pride at being able to make him feel the same way he made me. To tell the truth, it felt good for me too. Touching him felt almost as good as having him touch me.

I was a little surprised at how similarly his body worked to mine. He was male and I was female, he was huge and I was small, he was dark and I was light – complete opposites. Yet the same things made us feel good.

I ran my hands back up Jacob's shoulders, loving how wide and strong they were above me. I left one hand resting lightly against his neck and the other to trail down to the opposite side of his chest. I traced my fingers lightly around my goal for a few seconds and Jacob's breathing became irregular.

He pulled back to look at me, his mouth slightly open, and I chose this moment to run my thumb directly over his nipple. I wanted to see his face as I caused him pleasure, no matter how small, and it was worth it. His mouth fell open a little more and his eyes darkened and I _needed to kiss him_.

Jacob seemed to have the same thought because in the next instant his lips were crushed against mine.

"You – are so – amazing," he muttered between hard, passionate kisses that I had to work to keep up with. "I can't – believe – "

I didn't find out what Jacob couldn't believe, because he decided then that he didn't want to pull away anymore. His lips were strong against mine and one of his hands tangled fiercely in the hair behind my ear. I felt more of his weight ease onto me as he shifted all of his weight to one side, the elbow of the hand that was in my hair, planted firmly in the forest floor. He used his newly free hand to grip my waist tightly, squeezing and releasing, sliding slowly further up with each motion. He made it to my breast in record time and I gasped in pleasure against his lips.

If I had known I would get this sort of reaction, I would have done it a long time ago.

He squeezed me almost roughly, and I was shocked by the reaction it drew from me. I liked the rough kisses better than the slow ones so I guess it should only make sense that I liked the rough touches better too. Jacob's tongue slipped past my lips at the same time he ran his thumb firmly against me and I was so used to gripping at Jacob's shirt that my fingers automatically curled forward but all I grasped was skin.

One of my fingernails scraped past Jacob's nipple and he moaned loudly into my mouth, an amazing sound. The pressure between my legs was at a record point and I needed something again, the mystery something that wasn't so much of a mystery anymore. There had to be another alternative besides sex, though – people just didn't walk around like this all the time, they'd go insane.

My legs, as they were apt to do in situations like this, seemed to want to wrap themselves around Jacob and just as I was contemplating if I could get away with doing it, Jacob's lips disappeared from against mine. Or between mine, I should say.

"Nessie," Jake whispered, brushing his lips along my cheekbone in a way that made me want to make very embarrassing sounds. "We need to stop now."

I groaned; I had been expecting it.

Jacob kissed me again, passionately but with an air of finality, and I knew there would be no arguing the point.

"Not because of you," he said against my jaw, which surprised me. "But because you said you trusted me to stop . . . when it was time to stop."

Oh. I blushed at Jacob's implication. So this was too much for . . . him? The last thing I wanted to do was hurt Jacob, or force him to test his control

"I'm sorry if I shouldn't have . . . " I let myself trail off. Was there really a term for it?

"No, Nessie," Jacob countered. "Don't be sorry, you didn't . . . you didn't do anything wrong."

"You always say that," I told him, reaching up between us to run a finger along his lips, something I realized I enjoyed last night. "I just . . . I just like making you feel how you make me feel."

Jacob's lips were gorgeous: dark and full and so, so smooth. Besides kissing them or having them kiss me, touching them was the next best thing. My stomach clenched pleasantly as Jacob kissed my finger softly and I sighed.

"Neither of us did anything wrong, Ness," Jacob said quietly after a long moment, and I was glad to see he included himself. "We just have to know when to . . . stop."

"It's hard," I admitted.

"You have no idea."

It was easier knowing that it was hard for him too. Jacob pushed himself up onto his knees, then stood up and I just kind of laid there for a minute, admiring his body from this new point of view. He looked, if it was possible, even taller from down here.

He offered me his hand and pulled me up, catching me around the waist to steady me once I was on my feet. He pulled me into a tight hug and his skin was warm and smooth against my cheek. Jacob released me and cast his gaze around and it took me a few seconds to realize he was looking for his shirt. We found it a few yards away where it had apparently fallen from my shoulder in my haste to get to him.

I watched him shrug it on with a little disappointment, sad to see his muscles go. At least he didn't look so sad anymore, but I needed to make sure.

"Do you feel better now?"

His face fell a little and I wished I hadn't mentioned it.

"I'm . . . okay," he said. "It'll take awhile, but I'm better. You help so much."

He stepped easily into his shoes and offered me his hand. When I took it, he pulled me around to face him and picked something from my hair.

"Leaf," he said, twirling the bright green plant between his fingers before blowing it out to the ground. "You have half the forest in your hair."

I took my hand back so I could run both of them through my hair. Jake was right. Ugh.

"I need a shower anyway." I tried to shrug it off.

Jake pulled a few more pieces of wildlife from my hair before he took my hand again and tugged me in the direction from which we came.

"Come on, Ness, let's go home."

* * *

**Coming up:**

His eyes were dark and I knew what was coming, my heart beginning to beat wildly in my chest. Every time he kissed me it felt like I was winning a prize; but now, like this, like I had just imagined, was too good to be true.

Wait – it was too good to be true.

"Jacob," I managed breathlessly once his lips were inches from mine, my heart flying up into my throat. "Did you – did you see - ?"

He nodded slowly, his eyes darkening even more and there was no doubt in my mind that he had.


	26. In Which There is a Visit From Aunt Rose

**_A/N: _**Here's the next installment of _Hands on Me_! Wow - that makes it sound a lot more important than it really is. Anyway, I just thought I'd let everyone know I'm really dangerously close to finishing _HoM_. I'm struggling with it - it's the first thing of this length and detail that I've ever written. I'm really emotionally invested in it and hate to see it end. But I know it's inevitable. I guess I still have _Undeniable_.

You guys remember to keep voting for _Hands on Me_ at **_The Sparkle Awards_**. Also, don't forget to nominate your faves for the Bellies and this super-awesome new competition, **_The Twifi-Indie Awards_**. Google it, please, because I'm not sure the name's right but it's a great idea to give not-so-well known stories a foot up in the fandom.

**_Disclaimer: _**None of it's mine. Original, I know.

* * *

In Which There is a Visit From the Proverbial Aunt Rose

* * *

_but you're just so cool  
__run your hands through your hair  
__absentmindedly making me want you_

_- taylor swift, fearless_

-

Barring the fact that we were running for our lives from a super-tracking vampire who wanted to kidnap me and run me away to Italy to force me to mate with various species and study the results, the next three weeks were amazing.

I missed my family so much, and though I missed them a little more everyday, it also got a little easier too. Alice was consistently giving us two-day intervals which wasn't exactly best we could hope for, but not the worst either. We still weren't staying anywhere more than one night, since it made Jake nervous, which was fine with me. We zigzagged back and forth across California, eating fast food and staying in crummy hotels that didn't require credit card deposits.

I had gotten used to the appraising look we got every time we ordered a single-bed room and it bothered Jake, but I didn't mind. I know I looked young, but both Jacob and I knew the situation so I didn't really care too much about what other people thought. The few times there was a female running the office desk, I actually enjoyed the jealous looks they shot me when they handed Jake the key-card.

The reason everything was so amazing was because I finally had Jacob, exactly the way I wanted him. The first week after Billy passed he was a little withdrawn, but he slowly got better each day and everything was almost back to normal now. He talked about Billy more now than he ever did when he was alive, telling me stories and things he remembered about back before his mother had died and it wasn't heart-wrenching or tearful, just nostalgic and I took this as a sign that he was getting better.

Despite the fact that I missed my family terribly and my home and my wolf friends, I was happier than I'd ever been. I spent every waking and sleeping minute with Jacob, and never tired of it. He could never kiss me often enough, touch me hard enough, hold me tight enough.

We grew more comfortable with each other and fell back into the easiness from before, but with a huge added bonus. I was happy to see Jacob become so comfortable with me, kissing me without asking for permission and letting his hands touch where they wanted without freaking out and apologizing. Besides that, though, nothing much else really progressed.

My body seemed to constantly want more, but every time my hips would press forward into his or his fingers would stray to the skin just under the hem of my shirt, Jacob would stop. I didn't understand completely and was too shy to ask, but I understood it was hard for him to keep . . . control sometimes. On occasion I toyed with the idea of asking him not to for once, to just let himself feel what he wanted and do what he wanted, but I always chickened out at the last minute. The shiver that ran up my spine when I contemplated his reaction if he agreed terrified me as much as it excited me.

Every day, like clockwork, Alice would call and give us another two days. The conversations never lasted more than ten or fifteen seconds, but the sound of her muffled voice always made my chest ache for awhile after. I knew the reason the amount of time was so short is because the tracker was getting closer, even though they didn't tell us anything for fear of being overheard. I took small comfort in the fact that he wasn't getting much closer, since the time given always hovered at two days.

I wasn't sure if they were tracking him or chasing him or if my family was together or apart. I hoped they were together, or at least with their significant others. I tried to imagine how hard it would be to be doing this with anyone but Jake, to be away from him for more than a month, and couldn't even tolerate the thought. I knew my parents were very similar. My entire family was, really.

There was a bit of an . . . issue, when I woke up one morning and went to the bathroom to find that my monthly visitor had arrived. I used toilet paper as a substitute until I could wake Jake up and have him drive me to the store to buy some more reliable protection. He looked a little wary but took it all in stride, looking discreetly away while I picked out and purchased pads at a gas station.

I always resented my period, since none of the other women in my family had to go through with such things. Mom had explained to me when it happened how important it was and how it meant I was maturing and that I could have children, except she kind of stuttered at the last part. I didn't notice it then, but now I realize it was because she didn't know if I could. I also hated it because it always made my stomach cramp terribly, sometimes even making me vomit. Grandpa Carlisle and Dad (oh the joy that conversation had been) theorized that because my skin was more durable than the average human, that probably went for my organs as well, meaning my uterus had to contract twice as hard to do what it needed to do. Therefore being very painful.

Nice for them to sit up together and discuss it calmly while I was curled in a ball on the floor. Also, because I wasn't fully human, normal human medications didn't work for me so I was left to suffer without. I got the worst of both worlds – the pain of the period, and the inability for medicine to do anything about it.

This is what I think freaked Jake out the most. I didn't want to be pitiful, but my stomach was killing me, so I curled up with my back to him in the passengers seat and tried to hold in my whimpers as best as I could. Jacob kept reaching over to rub my back tentatively and ask if there was anything he could do, even after I told him there wasn't. He caressed my hair with his free hand and told me he was sorry I felt bad, and that made me feel a little better. I actually kind of even felt a little bad for making him worry, but the pain in my stomach outweighed that at the time.

I was glad to see the back of it once it was gone, but knew it would be back around again before too long. Jacob's mood picked up when mine did, happy to see I wasn't in pain anymore.

I finally got to go see a movie, but I don't even remember what it was about. Everything was dark and there was no one for several rows around us and Jake's arm was around me and I had a very, very hard time concentrating. The heat from his body teased me, tempting me to lean closer, but the armrest between us not allowing me to.

About halfway through the film, after me and Jake had already eaten our way through our huge bucket of popcorn and box of Skittles, a love scene came on. If I was already hyper-aware of Jacob, I don't know what I was then. I could feel every hair on Jake's arm and the heat from his leg, even through two layers of denim.

The hero grabbed a blonde woman whose name I probably should have known by then from behind and pressed himself up against her. She moaned and pressed back, her body arching gracefully and Jacob's arm tensed a little around me. I could smell him, his scent sending my head spinning and my body aching to touch him, all mixed with the awkwardness of watching people do something so intimate in front of him, with him.

The woman turned her head to the side to kiss him and it quickly escalated from there. They ended up over a desk, with the woman's skirt around her hips and my breath caught in my throat. I heard Jacob's heart rate accelerate and my brain was becoming unruly, branching off in different directions, picturing the same scene with myself and Jacob substituted. I crossed my legs to help alleviate the tension forming and my shifting made Jacob's fingers brush my bare arm. I shivered.

The desk shook frantically and the woman gave a sharp cry and then everything fell still.

We'd been whispering back and forth throughout the entire movie, so the silence now was awkward. It was Jake who broke it, leaning in to whisper in my ear, "Be funny if that desk busted."

I let out a quiet, exhale-like laugh and let my head fall onto his shoulder. The tension drained from the situation, although not completely from between my legs, and I felt much more relaxed.

We watched stupid made-for-TV movies in our room every night and laid together and kissed and talked about nothing and it was perfect. I watched more television now, in crappy hotels with hardly any reception, than I ever had at home with our advanced satellite system with hundreds of channels. Since we spent every second of every minute together, I'm not exactly sure what we had to talk about, but we managed all right.

I still worried, for my family and for Nahuel, my friend, though I hadn't seen him for over a year. I worried about what the Volturi were doing to him, or making him do, and when (I didn't not think _if_) we got him back if he would still be the same Nahuel from before.

Yet I still felt guilty because while I worried, it wasn't near as often enough as I felt I should. I cried whenever I thought of Nahuel or Billy, so I did my best not to think of them and that felt wrong. I felt guilty for being so happy while everything else was so terribly wrong. I didn't mention this to Jake, because for the most part he seemed happy too and while I felt guilty over my happiness, I didn't think Jake should over his.

After everything he'd done and sacrificed, he deserved it.

For the most part, though, everything was easy. When I could push away thoughts of guilt and worry and everything else, it was perfect. I found out my new favorite place to sit was on Jacob's lap, something we had done all the time when I was little but was very, very different now. For both of us, I think. I wonder sometimes if Jake didn't get tired of me hanging on him all the time, but every once in a while I would make to sit down next to him instead and he would grab me by the waist and pull me into his lap. This made me feel better, knowing he liked being close too.

Somehow, every night we ended up twined together on the bed, kissing until Jacob stopped us and we fell asleep. You think I'd have gotten bored of his lips by now, but that was appearing to be impossible. I didn't wear a bra to sleep at all anymore, which was more comfortable anyway, and Jacob no longer inhaled in surprise when he found me to be without one. This . . . casual, comfortable-ness warmed me almost as much as his touch did.

Tonight was very much the same as every night. You think it would seem like falling into routine, like a schedule, but it was never like that. I could never tell when we would kiss until we did, always being taken by pleasant surprise.

Jacob polished off two pizzas almost entirely on his own, then threw himself back onto the bed, moaning at how much he'd eaten. I padded off to the bathroom to change, slipping out of my jeans, t-shirt, and bra and into my pajamas.

Apparently, women in California didn't wear pants to sleep, because there were hardly any options to choose from when we had gone shopping. I hadn't wanted shorts, so the closest thing I could find were a pair of grey capri-length bottoms. They were more tight-fitted than I would have generally liked for pajama pants, but I was beginning to . . . appreciate that now. My sleeping shirt was pretty much a regular black t-shirt with little blue and grey stars on one shoulder, but it came with the pants so I guess it was made for sleeping.

I brushed my teeth to get the pizza taste out and, feeling a little silly but the idea intriguing me too much not to, pulled the tube of lip-gloss from my jeans pocket and applied some. It made absolutely no sense to put on lip-gloss before bed except for, well, the obvious reason, and that was just a little embarrassing. I did it anyway though, because I liked the surprised sound Jacob made into my mouth every time he tasted the sweetness.

I went back out to where Jacob was still groaning slightly on the bed and, as always, flipping through the channels on the TV. I crawled over him and made like I was going to sit on his other side, but he caught me round the waist and pulled me back to him, settling me in between his legs. I relented easily, leaning back against his chest and inhaling deeply. I knew it was a little obvious, since I'd went out of my way to walk to Jacob's side of the bed, only to crawl over him to the side where I'd come from, but I didn't care. It felt good to have him express that he wanted me closer.

I let my arms rest against his thighs, my fingers playing absently with the fabric of his sweatpants. I tried to watch whatever was on TV but I just vaguely saw people inspecting what looked like a crime scene. I felt Jacob's arms shift from around me as he raised them up and then I felt his hands in my hair. I shifted, leaning forward to give him better access.

He gently pulled the tie holding my hair up in a bun out, sending my hair tumbling down my back. He brought my hair all together easily in one big hand and hung it over one shoulder before pulling me back into his chest. I tried to act casual, but my heart rate increased despite myself as Jake began to absently run his fingers through the curls pouring over my shoulder and down to my stomach.

"I love your hair," he said quietly after a few minutes of this.

"I see," I said back, a little teasingly, turning my head to the side and up to look at him.

His hand slowed a little, almost stopping. "Does it bother you?"

"No," I answered easily, shaking my head. "It doesn't bother me at all."

Jacob smiled just as his stomach made a strange gurgling noise. I sat up a little and turned slightly, reaching back to lay a hand on his stomach gently.

"Did you eat too much?"

"I always do," he said dismissively. I knew he was fine, but I still didn't want to move my hand.

I rolled my eyes at him and moved my hand anyway, already missing the feeling of his muscles under my palm as I settled back against him. He continued running his hand through my hair as we not-watched TV. Well, maybe Jacob was watching, but I know I wasn't.

I reached down to Jacob's arm where it rested just outside of his leg and traced my nails along the outside of his palm. He flexed weirdly like he always did, but didn't stop me.

My mind began to wander, back to how it had felt to sit beside him in that dark movie theater, his body heating tempting, teasing. This inevitably led to the most uncomfortable part of the movie and yet the most intriguing part, the love scene. I remembered how it felt watching such a thing with Jake and blushed, the tension in my stomach starting up slightly.

I remembered how the man had come up from behind and embraced the woman, how she turned her head back to kiss him. Their position hadn't been too different from the one Jacob and I were in now.

What would it be like to kiss him now? Would it be any different from usual? To kiss and touch without facing each other?

My subconscious immediately re-imagined the scene, with me and Jacob in the lead actors' roles and my stomach clenched. I imagined him grabbing me from behind, and arching back against him. I imagined how it would feel if he kissed me roughly, as rough as I knew he could if he wasn't holding back all the time. Once I got to the part with the desk, though, I cut my imagination off. It felt a little shameful thinking about such things as I sat here with Jacob.

When I reentered back into awareness, I noticed Jacob's hand shifting out from under mine, reaching to wrap around my waist and the feeling in the pit of my stomach intensified. The hand stroking my hair slowed, pressed down until it was pressed just above my breast, the hair separating our skin. My breath hitched as Jacob's hand slid to the other side of my neck and tilted my head slowly up and sideways to look at him.

His eyes were dark and I knew what was coming, my heart beginning to beat wildly in my chest. Every time he kissed me it felt like I was winning a prize; but now, like this, like I had just imagined, was too good to be true.

Wait – it was too good to be true.

"Jacob," I managed breathlessly once his lips were inches from mine, my heart flying up into my throat. "Did you – did you see - ?"

He nodded slowly, his eyes darkening even more and there was no doubt in my mind that he had.

"Don't be angry," he whispered. "I wasn't trying to see, it just – "

"I'm not angry."

"You – you wanted . . . to try this, right?" He asked, making me want to sink into the floor.

I forced myself to nod. "But you don't have to – "

"I want to," Jake replied, his voice low, and then his lips were on mine.

The angle was different, not as comfortable, but I still enjoyed it. Jacob's strong fingers kept my head in place as he kissed me with a dizzying perceptiveness. His other hand slid slowly up my stomach and to my breast, kneading softly. My back did arch against him then, into his hand and we both moaned.

My hands very desperately wanted something to do, but there was nothing. One reached up to cover the hand of Jacob's that was on my breast, thread my fingers through the spaces in his and urge him to press harder. The other gripped at his thigh as my whole body arched up toward him.

Jake broke the kiss after a few more intense seconds, releasing my face and my head turned of its own accord back to face forward after being in one position for so long. I wasn't away from Jacob's lips for long though, because soon they were on my neck, planting hot kisses on the sides and nape of it, his breath tickling me in a way that did not make me want to laugh.

This was maddening, at the same time better and worse than usual. He was teasing me and I couldn't do anything about it, I couldn't even hardly touch him, just sit here and be touched. I hated it and wanted to do it again. What kind of sense did that make?

And as much as I wanted to do it again, I was done doing it for now. I pushed on Jacob's arm until he loosened his grip enough for me to turn around, his lips disappearing from my neck for an instant before I had reconnected them with my own.

I crawled into his lap, straddling him and his hands moved to my hips. This was one of the few progressions we had made. Jacob seemed to like my hips too, but he always snatched his hands back upward when they began to stray too far back. I felt the heat from his hands intensify as he gripped tighter, felt the place where it lessened where the edge of my panties were, another layer deferring the heat.

I pushed up onto my knees a little to reach his lips better, reaching up to grasp his face in both of my hands as his slid a little further back. I smiled a little to myself, but not enough that Jake would notice, since I didn't want him to because then he'd stop.

Lust swirled in me, fighting for control of my brain. I wanted Jacob so, so badly right now, in that way I was just beginning to understand. He was so . . . hot. Not his temperature, although there was that too, but just simple attractiveness. His face and his hair and his body and his sounds and the fact that he wanted me, all adding to the overpowering fact that I loved him so, so much.

He was sexy. It was strange thinking of him, not in that way, but in those words. I had never used them before, for anyone, let alone Jacob. But that's what he was. He was undeniably, inarguably, ridiculously sexy and I couldn't stand it.

His tongue reached out and ran across my lips and I half-fell down off my knees and back into his lap. It was only a few inches and Jacob's hands around my hips steadied me, the kiss going unbroken. After a few more minutes of his, the heat of Jacob's mouth and his body and his hips against mine, I was at a breaking point.

So when Jacob's fingers slipped back a little further and tightened, my hips pressed into his, rocking forward and back and then forward again. It provided a . . . friction that felt really good, the tension that seemed to live perpetually inside of me gaining a infinitesimal amount of relief. I parted my lips a little further under Jacob's and pressed into his hips again, dragging a moan from his lips that only spurred me on.

This time when I pressed forward though, Jacob's hips pressed back. My stomach clenched so tight it was almost painful and it knocked whatever guard I may have had down and I threw myself against him without abandon. Jacob's hands on my hips became a disadvantage then when I felt him applying pressure, slowing my movements.

He slowly pulled back, and I could tell I had that lust-hazed look in my eyes from the way everything besides him seemed to blur around the edges.

"Nessie, we have to – "

"Stop," I answered for him breathlessly, already reserving myself to the fact that we were done for the night. I felt my body cry out in disappointment. "I know."

"No," he corrected, equally breathless, taking me by surprise. He lifted me gently and moved me back a few inches, until I was sitting more on his thighs than his hips. "We have to talk."

* * *

**Coming up:**

"You want me to - explain it to you?"

"Not exactly," I said, even though it was. "I just - it helps, right?"

"Helps?"

"With . . . this." I gestured to us each in turn. "It makes it easier, right?"

Jacob looked a little like he was in pain and I was sorry that I was embarrassing him, but I couldn't stop now. Not when I was so close to an answer.

"Yeah," he answered after a few agonizing seconds. "It helps."

Now for my real question.

"Can girls do it?"


	27. In Which There is 'The Talk'

**_A/N: _**All right, this is a chapter that was a long time coming, I think. 'The Talk'. Those of you who got the chapter list before I left knew it was coming and have been waiting very patiently. I've been getting a few PMs lately with questions and whatnot and now that I've got DSL I'd just like to say that anyone who's got questions or anything like that is more than welcome to PM me or whatever. I don't bite and love to talk.

I loved writing this scene. The awkwardness is awesome. I love writing Jake talking.

That being said,_ Hands on Me_ was nominated for a **_Razzle Dazzle_** award for Best Romance! I'm squeeing again! So please, please vote for _HoM_ at **_razzledazzleawards(dot)webs(dot)com_** when voting starts on the 30th if you think I deserve it! And at the Sparkle Awards, which you can find the link for a few chapters back. Multiple times, I think. Yes, I'm overexcited.

**_Disclaimer: _**I don't own anything, just fingers that keep pushing me faster and faster towards the fin line. Oh, and some new boot-leg Converse that are called 'Pet Moon'. Whatever, they were like ten bucks and comfortable. I own the chapter title too, which I think is cute.

* * *

In Which There is 'The Talk'. Yes, That One.

* * *

_and you give me the most gorgeous sleep that i've ever had  
__and when it's really bad, i guess it's not that bad_

_- no doubt, underneath it all_

_-_

I immediately felt heat flood my cheeks.

"O-okay," I said, getting quickly off Jake's lap and arranging myself beside him with my legs crossed. "I'm sorry, Jake, if I shouldn't have – "

"No, Nessie, no," Jacob interrupted, stopping me with a shake of his head. "You didn't do anything wrong, just – before things . . . escalate, we just need to talk."

I nodded, a little numbly, not understanding.

"I don't want to make you uncomfortable," he told me, reaching for my hand which I easily gave him. "And we can do this however is easier for you, if it's easier to . . . show me, with your gift, or just tell me but . . ."

Jacob reached up with his free hand and pushed his hair back. He let out a deep breath and squeezed my hand, avoiding my eyes. His nervousness was worrying me.

"Nessie, how much do you know about sex?"

That caught me off guard.

He wanted to talk about sex? Why? Had I been reading him wrong? Did he . . . want to? Was he just waiting for me, and now he was tired of it? How did I feel about that?

"I know . . . enough."

What else was I supposed to say, "why, Jake, would you like me to draw you a diagram"?

"I know this is embarrassing, Ness, and that you'd much rather talk about this with Bella or Alice or . . . or God forbid, even Blondie."

I couldn't help but snort a little at the comment, despite the nervousness that had replaced the desire twisting in my stomach. The corners of Jacob's mouth twitched a little.

"And I know you probably would, if they were here," he continued. "But they're not, and we started this . . . relationship in a hurry and you don't . . . have anybody to talk to or to . . . explain anything to you or – and besides, it's important that we can talk about this kind of stuff anyway."

Jacob paused and took in a deep breath, letting it out slowly. He looked at me.

"I'm rambling here, Ness, but . . . I can tell that you're - your body wants more but that's hormones, it's part of being a teenager, and I just want to make sure you're . . . fully aware."

Of all the things I could have or should have said or asked, I'm still not quite sure why it was, "Fully aware of what?"

"You keep . . . pushing for more, Nessie, and . . . I'm not sure if you understand what you're pushing towards."

"Well . . ." I started slowly, trying to find the words best express what I wanted to say. "I know that I want you . . . like that, and I'm not sure I understand everything but – can't we just – it doesn't – "

I broke off, frustrated with myself for being so ineloquent.

"Tell me, Nessie, it's okay," Jacob urged me kindly. "Don't be embarrassed with me, please."

"You know more about . . . this stuff than me, Jake," I said quietly, his voice giving me courage. "But just because – I mean, just because I want more than to . . . to kiss you, does that mean we have to have sex?"

"No!" Jacob burst out suddenly, startling me. He gripped my hand tighter. "Nessie, don't – don't ever think that you – we never _have_ to do_ anything_. This is entirely about you, what you need, what's best for you."

"It's about you too, though," I disagreed. "You're . . . in this relationship too. And you're . . . older than me, and you've – you've been waiting – "

"Nessie," Jacob said, the Alpha in his voice making me look up sharply. "Stop that right now. I love you, and I love . . . being with you, but I won't let you do this. If you keep pushing because you think it's what I want, then I won't – I can't – "

My heart dropped with a dull thud into the bottom of my stomach.

"You'll . . . leave me?"

Jacob's face immediately became horrified and he reached for me, drawing me easily into my chest. As much as I hated to see Jacob anything but happy, my heart had lifted at his astounded face when I realized that wasn't what he had meant.

"No, Nessie, never," he swore, holding me tight and dropping a kiss onto the top of my head. "I'll never leave you as long as you want me. But I can't . . . I won't be able to . . . to kiss you and touch you like this if I think you're only pushing it because you think it's what I want."

I pulled back from his embrace to look at him. "But I don't – I mean, I'm not. You saw . . . how I feel. That night, outside the restaurant."

"I know I did," Jake conceded, something akin to realization passing over his face.

"I just meant," I pressed, going back to my point before I had induced a Jacob-outburst. "That does it have to be one or the other? Can't we just . . . go until we want to and then stop there?"

"But I'm not sure you even know what you're saying, Ness," Jacob returned, making me feel like a child and miffed at the fact that I did. "I know you know about sex, at least the basics, and what we're doing now, but . . . what do you mean by that?"

"I don't know," I answered honestly. "I love kissing you and touching you and . . . having you touch me. And I don't understand but I want you to teach me, to lead me, and not worry that you're pushing me too far. I don't know what's in between, okay? I didn't know I wanted you to touch me like that until you did it, or hold me like you did today until I saw it in the movie because I've never seen it before. And I promise that I'll stop you when I want you to stop, Jacob, I swear I will - I just, every time I touch you or kiss you my body starts going insane and even though I know what it is now, it doesn't help because I don't know how to fix it. "

"Fix what?"

"My . . . the – you know," I said, as though it would make him understand. Of course, it didn't.

"I don't, Ness," he disagreed.

"I can show you," I burst out, hardly believing myself. "But you have to promise not to get angry."

"I won't," Jake promised, but that was only because he didn't know what was in store for him.

"I didn't know what was wrong, or else – or else I wouldn't have – "

"Just show me, Nessie."

Before I could chicken out, I reached up and placed my palm against his warm cheek. I had to literally force open the connection, since my mind was fighting against it so hard, to show him what I had seen that morning in the shower. It was over all too quickly and I knew I had to face Jacob now. I contemplated showing him more embarrassing memories just to put the inevitable off, but I knew I couldn't. I slowly lowered my hand to my lap and looked a little fearfully up at him.

I was waiting for the anger. I mean, _I_ would be angry. I had no right to peer in on him like that, to catch him at such an intimate moment, and then _not _leave. I would be furious.

"God, Nessie, I'm so sorry," Jacob exclaimed suddenly, surprising me. It really shouldn't have, since he was always apologizing for things that weren't his fault, but it did. "Did you really see - ?"

I gave a small nod and Jacob's face turned pink. I had embarrassed him. I felt terrible.

"I didn't mean to," I said in a small voice. "I know I should have left right away, but the only reason I looked at all is because I thought you were hurt."

"I can't believe I – you must think I'm – "

"I don't think you're anything, Jacob," I interrupted quickly, before he could find some more reasons to blame himself for things that were entirely my fault. "Except amazing. I just . . . I don't understand."

"What?" He asked, looking at me a little like I'd lost my mind.

"I don't . . . understand," I repeated. "I get the why, and the how . . . sort of. It's the . . . what that I don't get, I guess."

Jacob scrubbed a hand over his face, then up through his hair. He exhaled heavily.

"You want me to – explain it to you?"

"Not exactly," I said, even though it was. "I just - it helps, right?"

"Helps?"

"With . . . this." I gestured to us each in turn. "It makes it easier, right?"

Jacob looked a little like he was in pain and I was sorry that I was embarrassing him, but I couldn't stop now. Not when I was so close to an answer.

"Yeah," he answered after a few agonizing seconds. "It helps."

Now for my real question.

"Can girls do it?"

"What?" He asked again, louder than before.

I felt my face burn red. "Is there any way for girls to . . . you know, do that. I mean, it's not the same obviously, but . . . with the same result."

Jacob seemed to be thinking for a few minutes, so I left him.

"There is," he finally answered. "But I don't know . . . how, or – or anything."

I tried to keep my face from falling. It had kind of been my last hope. "Oh."

"Is it that bad, Nessie?"

I blushed even darker, but nodded.

"Maybe . . . we should stop. For a little while."

"No!" I exclaimed, feeling a little silly at how loud it came out, but not at the words. "The only thing that would be worse than dealing with it is having to stop altogether."

"And you're serious?" Jacob asked me then, his eyes piercing into me. "About stopping me when you feel like you need to?"

"Yes," I promised readily, hoping I was gaining ground.

"And you really trust me to . . . to lead you?"

"Of course," I breathed. "Of course I do, Jacob."

"I don't know much more than you," Jacob confessed, shifting a little. "I'm not an expert or anything . . . I mean, you're the only . . . woman I've ever even touched . . . like that."

Woman. I was a woman.

"But you're the Alpha," I pointed out, teasing in a half-hearted attempt to lighten the situation. "Aren't you good at leading people?"

"Yeah, I guess I am," he conceded, smiling a little.

My heart felt a lot lighter now. I rose up onto my knees and kissed Jacob softly, his lips resisting when I tried to break the kiss.

"So . . . is everything okay?" I asked hesitantly.

"As long as you are," Jake stipulated. "Are you okay, Ness?"

"I'm always better than okay with you," I told him, rolling my eyes a little. "I keep waiting for you to get that."

Jacob's arm reached for him so I went to him, and he wrapped me facing him in his arms.

"And you really want me to . . . initiate – things?" He asked quietly.

"I just want you to do whatever is natural," I whispered back. "I want you to do what you feel like doing - I don't want you to hide any part of yourself from me, Jacob, and I do . . . want you to . . . show me how."

"How?"

"To be with you," I clarified. "To be . . . together."

"Nessie, it's not school, you don't – have lessons – "

"I know that," I told him. "You know what I mean."

"Okay, Ness," Jacob agreed, and I smiled into his chest. "We'll . . . work on it, all right?"

"Okay," I whispered back, burying my face in his shirt so he wouldn't see how happy I was.

"But slow."

"Slow is fine."

"I love you," he said then.

"I love you too, Jake."

I didn't even have the words to say how much.

"I'm going to take care of you," he promised. "Forever, in every way. Even – even if you don't want me anymore, I'll still take care of you."

"I really wish you'd stop saying stuff like that," I told him, pushing off his chest to look up at him seriously. "I really wish you'd just – trust me when I say that I love you and will never, ever be without you."

"I just want you to know that you have the option," Jacob said, looking down at me. I could see the hurt in his eyes at just the prospect. "That you don't have to – "

"I know that," I said again. "I know that even though you love me to the point where it hurts, you would never force me to stay and that's only another reason I love you so much I can't see. I'm your imprint, Jacob, your perfect match. That means you're mine too."

Jacob stayed silent, so I pressed on.

"You're – you're mine, Jacob, just like I'm yours. You're my imprint, my protector, my best friend, and . . . and more. I don't even know what to call you but mine."

Jacob surprised me by swooping down and catching my lips in a breathtaking kiss. I was shocked, but pleased and responded enthusiastically, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him closer. Jake finally pulled back slowly, until our lips were just brushing.

"I wish I could do what you do, Ness," he whispered, and I could literally feel his voice against my lips. "I wish I could show you how I feel so you'd know – how much – how – "

"You do, Jacob," I said, taking an arm from around his neck to stroke his cheek. "You show me all the time."

"Really?"

"When you kiss me," I whispered, pecking his lips once softly. "I can feel it. And when you touch me. Even the way you say my name makes me shiver with how much love I hear in it."

"You're perfect," he told me.

"You're going to give me a complex if you keep telling me that," I warned him, but smiled.

"I can't help it," Jacob said, turning his head slightly so our lips brushed tantalizingly. "I think it every time I look at you and I just have to say it."

"Yeah?" I asked as Jacob pulled me back into his lap like we were before. "What else do you think?"

"Beautiful," he confessed, and I blushed but smiled a little too. I liked this game. "Smart, funny, sweet as candy, and utterly, ridiculously . . . "

"What?" I asked, my breath catching a little. He couldn't just start with something like that and then stop.

"Hot."

My stomach clenched at his words. Hot. Jacob thought I was hot.

I caught his lips in mine and kissed him quickly.

"You're hot too, Jake," I whispered.

"It comes of being a werewolf," he joked, a little teasingly but still breathless from the kiss. "Extreme body temperature and all."

"You know that's not what I meant."

"Oh?" He asked, one of his arms wrapping around my waist to pull me closer, bowing me against him. "What did you mean then?"

"What did you mean?"

"Well, I meant that you're amazingly sexy," he said easily, his words making my body react in ways that words shouldn't be able to. "But I wasn't sure that was what you had meant."

Sexy. That was my new favorite word.

"It was," I clarified, kissing him again because I could. "You are amazingly sexy, Jacob. Head-spinningly, stomach clenchingly, drive-me-crazy-without-even-knowing-it sexy."

Jacob's eyes darkened and he kissed me this time, longer than I had, holding me tightly against him.

"All of that?" He asked once he had pulled away.

"All of it and more," I promised, arching my back into his hands and making his eyes darken even more. "You know that. You saw it."

"I did," Jacob agreed, squeezing my waist in his hands. "That was literally the best thing I've ever seen."

The best thing? That he'd ever seen?

"Which part?" I asked, curious now.

"The dreams were good," he started, moving down to kiss my neck. "And the . . . hair thing was cool, since I love yours so much. And – and how you – when you think about me, you want to – "

He didn't have to finish; I knew what he meant. I felt my face flush pink – Jacob liked it?

I was struck with a thought.

"Do you think about me?" I burst out before I could stop myself.

"I always think about you, Ness," Jacob answered, but we both knew that wasn't what I meant.

"No," I corrected, my heart thundering at my boldness. "When you – do that – what do you think about?"

I was waiting for him to laugh, to say of course not, or to get upset at my prying. I wasn't waiting for his eyes to get even darker, almost black now, to hold me tighter.

"I think about you," he confessed, his face pinker than ever, his voice rough. "Is that – okay?"

I thought of Jacob that morning in the shower, how he had looked, the sounds he made. How his body had arced beautifully before relaxing of all tension. I imagined the thought of me helping him to do that and there was a rushing of desire in me like I had never felt before.

Jacob's eyes widened, a look on his face I'd seen before but didn't understand. His hands gripped me tighter, tighter than they ever had and his body tensed under me. I instinctively arched into him again, pressing my hips into his, but something was different.

"N-Nessie," Jacob stuttered. "You need to get up."

Whatever I had been expecting, it wasn't that. I didn't understand. I thought we had figured it out – I thought we were okay now?

"What?"

"I just – I'll explain in a minute but you really, really need to get up."

I tried to obey him, but he had me gripped tight, holding me against him. If he wanted me off of him, why wouldn't he let me go? And seriously, the way he was looking at me wasn't persuading me to get up. If anything, it made me want to kiss him even more.

"I can't, Jacob," I told him, a little concernedly. "You're holding me – I can't get up."

He seemed to realize then and released me completely, dropping his arms to the sides and leaning back from me. I climbed quickly off of him, but stayed at his side. I tried to reach for his hand, but saw with a pang that he avoided it. What happened?

"What's wrong, Jacob?"

"You, um . . ." Jacob started, avoiding my eyes. "You smell good."

"What?" I asked. Why did me smelling good mean I had to get further away?

"You're – your – I'm a wolf, Nessie," he explained, crossing his long legs and turning his torso towards me. "I have . . . instincts and for . . . all intents and purposes, you're my . . . mate."

I nodded. That made sense, I guess, but I'm not sure how it was relevant to our situation.

"And when you have - it's my instinct that when - when you . . . need something . . . to give it to you."

Give what to me? What did I need? Nothing, besides –

My heart jumped into my throat as I realized. Oh, God. My scent. Jacob could – could –

"You can smell - ?" I asked quietly, unable to even finish the sentence.

He nodded emphatically and my face went red. I couldn't believe this. This was humiliating. Jacob could _smell_ my – my desire. He could _smell_ how much I wanted him and he was instinctively driven, more even than normal humans, with the instincts of the wolf to . . . mate.

Oh, God.

"And that . . . affects you?"

He nodded again, slowly. My head was still spinning. There was a tiny, niggling part in the back of my mind that was tempted to tell him I didn't care, to throw myself back at him, and I almost surely knew what would follow. Did I want that? I was torn.

"I can control it," Jacob said then, finally reaching out for my hand. "I mean, I have been, it's just – it shocked me. It was so sudden and – and strong, and I didn't know what – to do."

"It's okay, Jacob," I promised while I was trying to work through everything in my head. "How about you – half-control it?"

"What?"

"Well – you already said – I mean, we agreed and so – just, half-control it. Let your instincts take over a little bit. Not all the way," I said hurriedly at the horrified look on Jacob's face. "But just – you're thinking too much, Jacob, you're worrying and freaking out and you need to . . . to relax and just be with me."

"You don't understand, Ness," Jacob said then seriously, shaking his head. "You don't understand how strong it is."

"I know how strong you are," I pointed out, squeezing his hand. "It's not stronger than you."

"I don't want to risk it."

"But you already said that you'd – "

"That's different," Jacob interrupted soothingly, rubbing a warm thumb over the back of my palm. "There's a difference between going with your human instincts and letting your wolf ones take over. The wolf works off the basest instincts, need and not wants, without as much emotion. You have to balance them."

I guess I understood that. I was warmed by how much Jacob loved me just then. I really wanted to kiss him but knew it probably wasn't best right now.

"But that doesn't change what – what we talked about . . . before?" I asked, wanting to make sure I hadn't lost the precious ground I'd gained.

"No, Nessie," Jacob assured me, pulling me into his chest, albeit more carefully than usual. "It doesn't change anything. Just now you . . . know."

"That's good, though," I informed him, looking up at him. "I want to know everything about you. Even the stuff you think isn't that cool."

"That doesn't . . . scare you?" He asked tentatively.

My heart ached for him when I realized. He had been afraid that I would be scared of him, terrified he'd lose control and . . . force himself on me. I knew he wouldn't, he knew he wouldn't, I just don't think he knew that I knew that.

"No, Jacob," I promised. "Remember, you told me to never be afraid with you."

"That what I was worried about," Jacob said finally, his fingers reaching up and running through my hair. "I was worried that you'd find out and be afraid and that's the last thing I ever want."

"Me too," I agreed, snuggling against him. I realized I was tired when I stifled a yawn. "Let's sleep, Jacob, and deal with this tomorrow."

Jacob looked surprised, since he was the one generally pushing for sleep but relented. I rolled away from him so he could pull the covers back and we both crawled under. He held out an arm for me to lay my head on, then curled it around me, pulling me against him.

I wrapped my arm around his waist and let his heartbeat start to lull me to sleep.

"Love you, Jacob," I whispered into his shirt. "Thank you for talking to me."

I was glad now that we had talked. After all, I was the one always bugging him about telling me how he felt about things.

"It was nothing, Ness," he whispered back, his fingers starting to sift through my curls again. "Now go to sleep. I love you, too."

* * *

**Coming up:**

"You don't stink," I said, finding the courage to step forward and take his hand. "And sweaty I don't mind."

I think we both blushed a little at that, though of course mine was much worse. Jacob pulled me easily into his chest and I was right, his skin was much hotter than usual. I leaned into his hot skin and inhaled, biting my lip to keep an embarrassing sound from escaping. His strong arms wrapped easily around me, his scent cocooning me from all sides and I wanted to kiss him so, so badly.

My lips brushed against the skin on his chest when I lifted my head to look at him, and we both tensed.

Jacob's eyes darkened and I felt his fingers twirl themselves around a curl. He licked his lips before he spoke, making my eyes hone in on them.

"Do you – do you want to go back inside, Ness?"


	28. In Which Denim Has No Give

**_A/N: _**I'm back with another update, some more progress in Jake and Nessie's relationship which we all like to see. I'll be getting back home in about a week but I'll probably be without a computer for about another week after that until I can buy a new laptop, depending on how long my dad takes. I'll make sure I give you your update-fill before then.

Don't forget to keep voting for_ Hands on Me_ at **_The Sparkle Awards_** and **_The Razzle Dazzle Awards_** when voting starts on the 30th (links below).

**_thesparkleawards(dot)yolasite(dot)com_**

and

**_razzledazzleawards(dot)webs(dot)com_**

Feedback is, of course, always mucho appreciated.

**_Disclaimer: _**I don't own Twilight, any Natasha Bedingfield songs or Jacob's love of cars. I do own the chapter title though, which I'm kinda proud of. P.S., even though it's not really hard, dedication in the next chapter to whoever guesses right which show's theme song Jake's singing.

* * *

In Which Denim Has No _Give_

* * *

_and that's all i have to say  
__i love you, is that okay?_

_- natasha bedingfield, these words_

-

A sharp ringing sound drew me up out of unconsciousness and into reality.

I opened my eyes blearily just as Jacob gave a deep groan from beside me and turned over. His long arm reached easily to the table a few feet away and grabbed the cell phone, answering it and bringing it to his ear.

"Yeah?" He said, a little groggily, but sounding mostly awake. "Five? Okay, thanks."

He ended the call and let the cell phone drop onto the floor, then rolled onto his back. He turned his head and when he saw I was awake, he smiled. It was a slow, morning, just-woke-up smile that spread warmth slowly from my face where it hit me to the very tips of my toes.

I gave him a small smile back and reached my hand out for him. Jacob surprised me by rolling quickly over onto his side until we were almost face-to-face and resting his head on his arm.

"Good morning."

Jacob reached his other hand up and traced along my cheek and down my neck and said quietly back, "Morning."

I bit my lip, something I was only now beginning to notice that I did, and Jacob's smile widened. His eyes were still half-shut, heavily lidded with sleep and he was gorgeous. I scooted a little closer, until our bodies were inches apart and rolled over onto my side too.

Jacob leaned in and kissed me softly, his warm lips making my stomach squirm pleasantly. I was afraid today was going to be awkward, because of our conversation last night, but I was glad to see that it wasn't.

"Are you still sleepy?" I asked, reaching up to touch a finger lightly to the lips I had just kissed.

Jacob shook his head a little, the movement brushing his lips back and forth against my finger. "Hungry, though."

"So let's get ready and then we can go eat," I suggested, to which Jacob seemed to have no objection. "Do you want me to go first?"

"You can," Jacob returned, kissing my finger gently. I instinctively curled my finger forward, my fingernail pressing into his lip. Jacob surprised me again by parting his lips and biting down on my nail gently, before releasing it, smiling.

I let my hand slide back to touch his cheek and kissed him one more time. The casualness we were falling into pleased me to no end.

"I'll be out in a second," I promised, rolling away from him and out from under the covers.

I was more cold than usual as I made my way to the bathroom, since I lost the warmth of the bed and the warmth of Jacob at once. I cut the water on as soon as the door was shut and stripped off quickly, wanting to get under the hot water as soon as possible.

The water warmed me up quickly and I took my time shampooing and conditioning my hair. I knew I had to leave some hot water for Jake though, so I finally cut off the water and got out. I wrung my hair out over the tub and wrapped myself in one of the small hotel towels since there was only two and I wanted to save one for Jake.

When I turned around to get my clothes, though, I realized I had forgotten them. Groaning a little to myself, I went to the bathroom door and cracked it open, peering out. I was going to ask Jake to hand me my bag but when my eyes fell on his still form on the bed, I had a huge internal "aaaaaw" moment. If he'd gone back to sleep, I didn't want to wake him up.

I debated with myself for a second about going out there in a towel, but then decided what was the big deal. I mean, I'd seen Jacob in a towel dozens of times and after our discussion last night, it really didn't make sense to be embarrassed over it. Besides, he was asleep anyway.

But I'd be naked under it and that was just . . . well, scary in a way that was more exciting than it should have been.

Before I could change my mind and wake Jacob up because I was self-conscious, I secured my small towel tightly and pulled open the door. I tiptoed as quietly as I could manage to the foot of the bed, where Jacob lay on his stomach, his head resting on his forearm. I couldn't see his face to tell for sure if he was asleep, but his breathing was pretty even and he didn't turn to look at me so I assumed he was.

I tiptoed past him to the corner of the room where our backpacks were and began rifling through mine for some clothes. I pulled out a pair of panties and a bra quickly, but when I turned to set them on the table I saw that Jacob was not asleep at all. He was awake, studying me with wide eyes.

I felt heat rush into my face, turning it pink. I felt exposed, like I had been caught doing something I shouldn't have. I just stayed where I was, knelt down on the floor, frozen while Jacob's eyes roved my body. He looked a little shocked, his eyes starting at my feet and moving slowly up my legs and torso and finally up to my face.

When he got to my eyes, his face became more sheepish.

"Hey," I said finally, after what felt like years.

"Hey," he returned, not offering anything else.

"I – I thought you had went back to sleep," I explained, moving to gesture with my arm until I realized it was holding my towel on. "I didn't want to wake you to ask you to bring my bag."

"I'm sorry," he apologized quickly. "Do you want me to – to look away or – ?"

He looked like he wasn't sure if he was supposed to turn his head or shut his eyes, and if he should go ahead and do it or wait for my instruction.

"No," I said, shaking my head and even laughing a little. "That doesn't make any sense, Jake. I'll just get my clothes and go change."

"You can change here," Jacob said, sitting up quickly and throwing the blankets off of himself. "I'll go shower now."

His face was a little pink as he reached over me to get his bag, and I remembered something just as he turned to make his way to the bathroom.

"Hey, Jake," I called after him, and he turned to look at me. I watched for a second as his eyes followed a curl that trailed down over my shoulder and onto my towel. "What did Alice say?"

"Oh," Jacob said as though he had just remembered, shaking his head like he was trying to clear it out. "She gave us five days – I guess they're gaining on him, or at least have got him running."

"Oh," I said, relieved but still a little curious as to why the days had gone up all of a sudden. "Okay."

Jacob pushed the bathroom door halfway shut and I busied myself with finding the rest of my clothes until I heard the water cut on and the shower curtain move. I stood up quickly then, keeping my back firmly turned on the bathroom as I carefully slipped my panties on under my towel.

I dropped my towel and pulled my bra on at record speed, relaxing a little once it was on. At least now I wasn't naked. I pulled on my black jeans and was just tugging my blue Snoopy t-shirt over my head when the water shut off. And the record for world's fastest shower goes to Jacob Black.

I pulled my hair out of my shirt and sat down on one of the chairs, grabbing the hairbrush and attacking my hair with it. I was just running the brush through my now tangle-free curls when Jacob emerged from the bathroom fully dressed and toweling his hair.

I leant forward and tossed all my hair over my head, shaking it out with my fingers to get some of the moisture out, but mostly to avoid Jacob's eyes for a few more seconds. When I had expired this excuse, I flipped all my hair back to see Jacob watching me with amused eyes.

"Since we got a few days, I was thinking we could stay here another night, if that's all right?" He asked me as I twisted my hair up into a bun and secured it.

"Sure, Jake, whatever," I agreed, getting up from my seat to sit beside him on the edge of the bed. I brought the hairbrush with me and shook it in front of him. "Do I get to brush your hair since you brushed mine?"

"Do you – do you want to?"

I nodded, feeling a little shy now. I hadn't realized I wanted to until I asked.

Jacob nodded his assent, so I gestured for him to shift his weight facing me, which he did. I reached up and gently ran the brush once through his dark hair and it went smoothly through. I crawled up on my knees until I was directly in front of him and placed my free hand on his cheek as I ran the brush through again.

Jacob watched my face as I ran the brush through a few more time and then I was done. It took all of five strokes. I dropped the brush lightly onto the bed and before my brain could override the action, ran both of my hands through his damp hair.

I removed them quickly once I realized what I'd done, blushing a little.

"All – all done," I stuttered, looking down at my knees so I wouldn't have to look at Jake.

I was shocked when Jacob's lips, warm and soft, came into contact with mine. He pulled back quickly, smiling.

"Thanks, Ness."

I looked up just in time to see him run his fingers through his hair a few times before he gathered it back behind him in one hand. He snapped a hair elastic off his wrist and tied it back and my stomach clenched as it always did at this action. Jake smirked at me when he was done and I remembered our conversation from last night and that he knew how much I liked his hair. This, of course, made me blush harder.

"You about ready to go eat?" He asked, heaving himself to his feet and offering me his hand. "I'm starving."

"Sure, sure," I said, hopping up a little too quickly. "Let's go."

We ended up getting burgers and eating them at one of the little plastic tables outside the restaurant. Jacob inhaled his food as usual and soon we were done with nothing to do. After we had thrown our garbage away, Jacob decided that he should give the car a check up since we'd been driving so much lately. He said the oil would probably need changing and a few other things that I heard him say but didn't understand.

We drove to an auto parts store where Jacob bought what he would need, oil the only item of which I recognized, then headed back to the hotel. I spent the rest of the morning and beginning half of the afternoon sitting in the doorway of our room, watching Jacob work on Uncle Jasper's Porsche, tuning it and changing the oil and other things I wasn't really interested in but looked impressive.

It was surprisingly attractive to watch Jacob work. He knew exactly what he was doing, never second guessing, twisting and turning gadgets and wires like I would change a roll of toilet paper. After awhile the California sun started to get to him, I guess, because he stripped off his grease-stained white t-shirt and wiped himself off with it before tucking it in and letting it hang out of his back pocket.

The sun glinted off the drops of perspiration on his chest and neck, making his russet skin shine and he seriously looked like something out of a movie. Normal people just didn't look like that – even werewolves. It just wasn't natural.

And yet it was. Every single thing about him was natural. I watched in awe as his arms flexed, the muscles in his stomach tensing and releasing as he moved and I had to cross my legs. My eyes followed a drop of sweat as it made its way from his neck, down, down, down to his stomach and then lower, until it disappeared at the waistband of his jeans.

He was just so tall. His legs and back just seemed to reach on forever, even more so since I was sitting. I wondered how his skin would taste now, covered with a thin sheen of sweat as it was. I bet his skin would be hot, so much hotter than usual, from the sun.

After awhile, I began to get stir-crazy. He couldn't just expect me to sit there and watch him like that, looking like he did, and not . . . not . . . do anything. I finally talked myself into believing that I was actually interested in what Jacob was doing to the car and that I should get up and go over to see for myself, maybe ask a few questions.

Maybe pull him into the backseat and not resurface for a few hours.

No. Just – just ask questions and look – at his back, and – no. At the car. Look at the car and ask – if I could lick his neck – no.

I argued with myself as I approached his wide russet back, bent under the hood of the car. Finally, I managed to ask, my voice coming out quieter than I intended, "Whatcha doin'?"

Jacob jumped a little at my voice, but when he straightened up, he was smiling.

"Just changing the oil," he said brightly, wiping his dirty hands off on his jeans.

"I thought you already did that."

"I checked the brakes."

"Oh."

Now that we were close, I could smell him. His scent was stronger now, more concentrated, probably from the sweat and it sent my head spinning more than usual. His skin looked amazing, just begging me to reach out and touch it, the muscles in his stomach teasing me from feet away.

"Are – are you hot?" I asked, a little randomly. I blushed at the double-meaning. "Do you need a drink or something?"

"I'm fine," he said, but he reached back and pulled his shirt from his pocket and wiped his face and chest with it.

I watched the movement with a little too much interest, then forced my eyes back up to Jacob's face. I took another step closer.

"How much more do you have to do?"

"To tell you the truth, I'm pretty much done after I change the oil," he told me, tucking his shirt back from where it came. "I just haven't messed with any cars for awhile and I kind of miss it."

"Oh, well don't let me keep you," I said then, gesturing towards the car. "I'm just – watching."

"Are you bored?"

"No, no," I said quickly, shaking my head. "I . . . like watching you work."

"Yeah?" He asked, as though he didn't believe me.

"Yeah," I said, feeling a little shy now.

I now understood the word attraction. Right now I was feeling literally attracted to Jacob. I wanted to touch him so badly it felt like a compulsion, but I couldn't now. I couldn't bring myself to reach forward and make contact, to kiss him, even though I knew he wouldn't reject me.

"So . . ." I started, casting around for something to say that would keep me close but not pull Jacob away from the car. "Why don't you show me what you're doing?"

I knew I had made the right decision when his face lit up.

He showed me how he changed the oil and how to check the tire pressure. He showed me how to make sure the engine was running properly and the spark plugs were attached. I took some of it in, but a lot of the time I was paying too much attention to Jacob himself to hear what he was saying at all. I loved to hear him talk about cars, not because I particularly cared, but because of how passionate he was about them. His face, his gestures, everything about him when the subject was brought up expressed how much he loved them. And anything Jacob loved was good enough for me.

". . . . and that's how you do it. Nessie?"

"Yeah? Mm," I said, nodding quickly to pretend I was listening as my name pulled me back into consciousness. "Oh, okay."

"You didn't hear me, did you?" He said, catching me out. He was smiling though, so I didn't think he was mad.

"Sorry," I said quietly, my confession.

"It's okay, Ness," Jake said, absolving me. "I can't expect everyone to care about cars as much as I do."

"I want to, though," I pressed. "I do want to know about things that make you happy."

"You make me happier than any car could," Jacob said, then reached out an arm for me before he checked himself. "You probably don't want to hug me until I've got a shower, huh?"

"I don't care," I said honestly, a little too eagerly, shaking my head and reaching for him. "I don't care at all."

"I'm sweaty, though, and I probably stink," Jacob warned me.

"You don't stink," I said, finding the courage to step forward and take his hand. "And sweaty I don't mind."

I think we both blushed a little at that, though of course mine was much worse. Jacob pulled me easily into his chest and I was right, his skin was much hotter than usual. I leaned into his hot skin and inhaled, biting my lip to keep an embarrassing sound from escaping. His strong arms wrapped easily around me, his scent cocooning me from all sides and I wanted to kiss him so, so badly.

My lips brushed against the skin on his chest when I lifted my head to look at him, and we both tensed.

Jacob's eyes darkened and I felt his fingers twirl themselves around a curl. He licked his lips before he spoke, making my eyes hone in on them.

"Do you – do you want to go back inside, Ness?"

There wasn't anything too strange about the words, but it was the promise I heard in them that made my spine shiver. His eyes pierced me and his voice was rough and he held me a little tighter when he said it. I really, really wanted to go back inside.

I didn't trust my voice, so I settled for nodding. Jacob released when I did and stepped back.

"Okay, let me just – lock up the car and get my stuff."

I walked the few feet back to our hotel door and went inside, my heart pounding erratically. This was insane – I'd kissed Jacob a thousand times before, and taking the past couple of weeks into consideration that number was probably not an exaggeration, but now my heart was doing somersaults. I think it was the anticipation.

I kicked my shoes off as soon as my feet hit the carpet and the hood slammed a second later. I was still stepping out of my socks when I heard the car lock click. My heart raced even faster as I heard Jacob's footsteps approaching, faster than they should have, and I fought for control of myself, a battle I was sure to lose.

But then I heard the door swing quietly shut and my heart stopped altogether. There was about three seconds where time seemed to freeze, everything stuck in place except for my quiet breathing and then Jacob's hands were on my waist, spinning me around to face him. I strained up at the same time he dipped down and our lips met in the middle, battling fiercely from the moment they touched.

I wrapped my arms around his neck to keep him close and he wrapped his around my waist and lifted me. Jacob's teeth nipped at my lips and my legs rose of their own accord to wrap around his stomach, anchoring me to him. I nipped Jacob's lips back, careful not to break the skin since I knew I would be unable to handle that, and waited for him to break the kiss, set me back down.

Jacob just kissed me harder; now that my legs kept me secure against him, his hands slid down to my hips. His skin was flaming hot, almost burning and I wouldn't have it any other way. I kissed him with all I had, like he was going away to war, which in all honesty might be a possibility in the very near future. I kissed him like I had everything to lose and that everything was him.

Too caught up was I in the sensation of kissing him and being kissed by him, I didn't notice he was walking until his shins hit the bed. It jolted us a little but Jacob held me tight, chuckling against my lips. There was a brief sensation of falling as he lowered us down onto the mattress that made me clutch him closer, but I wasn't afraid. I knew he would never drop me.

Then the mattress was under me and Jacob was on top of me and I couldn't think anything but _more_. My hands explored his bare chest, intentionally catching his nipples with my nails so that he'd hiss into my mouth the way I liked. One of his hands moved up to my head, his fingers curling around the back of my skull and pulling me closer while his other hand stayed gripped tightly on my hip.

I unhooked my legs but still kept them wrapped around him, realizing as I tried to shift under Jacob that I now shared his hatred of denim. It just didn't have any _give_.

Jacob's hand slid up a little further, his fingers slipping under the hem of my t-shirt. When his hot fingers made contact with the skin of my hip I gasped against his mouth and rolled my hips forward. He moved his hand up a little further and back, until his entire hand was pressed against the bare small of my back.

I felt a distinct sense of loss as Jacob's lips pulled away. The next instant they were at my neck, laying hot, frantic kisses.

"Is – this - okay?" He asked between kisses, his hand sliding up a little further as though to leave me with no doubt about what he meant.

My reply was delayed when I felt Jacob's lips part against my neck and bite gently. I moaned loudly and gripped at his hair. His response was to suck in, until I could feel the skin from my neck scraping against his teeth.

"Jac-ob."

His name came out in two syllables, just like in my dream, my voice lower than usual. When he released me, running his tongue along the place his teeth had dug into, I was disappointed. My body cried out in dissatisfaction.

"Yeah, Ness?"

"Don't – " I started breathlessly, pulling his face back up to mine until our lips were brushing. "Don't – stop."

"'S'not too much?" Jacob asked, his voice rough as he captured my lips in kiss after kiss.

"No," I panted, rolling my hips forward again and groaning when the tension between my legs lessened and increased at the same time. "No, Jacob, I swear."

That seemed to be enough for Jacob, because as soon as the words were out of my mouth, he dove back down and I was lost in his mouth once again. I don't know how long we kissed like that, hard and fast; all I know was I was jerked back down to some level of awareness when Jacob's fingers moved a little higher and bumped the clasp of my bra.

'My brain was whirring, desire twisting in my stomach and my instincts thrusting me forward. But my heart was too. Jacob's hand stayed where it was, but I didn't want it to. I forced myself to break the kiss, and both of us were panting with the effort.

"You can – you can – " I stuttered, hardly believing myself. "Unhook it if you want."

* * *

**Coming up:**

A few minutes later, Jacob emerged fully dressed from the bathroom just as the show's theme song began to play. He threw himself onto the bed beside me and settled back onto the pillows, seeming completely at ease with himself and not at all like he had just left me hanging.

"Nobody no give you no break," Jacob sang along with the music in a reggae accent, causing my head to snap around to observe him. He was bobbing his head along with the music, apparently familiar to him. "Police no give you no break. Soldier man give you no - what?"

I couldn't help but burst out into laughter, falling back on the pillows beside him. He shot me an annoyed look that only made me clutch my stomach harder and roll onto my side.


	29. In Which There is The Agreement of 2010

_**A/N:** _Hey y'all! i want to start off by thanking everybody so much for being patient while I haven't updated. My internet connection broke off and then I was traveling but now I'm home and the Mon-Thur schedule will return to normal, God willing. But I think this is a really, really nice chapter and dare to say it was even almost worth the wait. There's a little bit of seriousness, some lightheartedness, and a lot of romance which is what we all want I think.

Anyway, please stay with me and please keep voting. Also, _Undeniable_ was nominated for Best Use of Comedy WIP at the **_Indies Twific Awards_** so please also vote for that if you've got the time or inclination once it's started.

Oh, and I have a little request: I always think I'm being more predictable than I am, or vice versa. So I was wondering: what do you think will happen in Hands on Me? I regret to inform you that the answers won't change the story, which is nearly finished, but I'm just really interested is seeing how someone who doesn't know what's going to happen will envisage it working out.

_**Disclaimer:** _Don't own a damn thing. But I'm home and that's beyond awesome.

_**Dedication:** _Okay, so **edwardisaputz**, **AugustFirst**, **LawrenRed**, **Savvy**, **zirdante** and **Future Line**s got it right. In that order. Bad boys, bad boys . . .

* * *

In Which There is Mention of The Peaceable Agreement of 2010

* * *

_i lost my fake i.d., but you lost the motel key  
spare me your freakin' dirty looks, now don't blame me_

_- katy perry, waking up in vegas_

-

Jacob's eyes darkened even more and he studied my face intently.

"Are you sure?" He asked finally.

I nodded frantically, sliding my hands down to Jacob's neck and pulling him in for another kiss. "Yes, Jacob, I'm sure."

Jacob leaned in and kissed me again, passionately but without as much urgency, and his hot fingers caressed my back gently.

"You – you'll have to help me," he muttered against my lips, and I felt his face grow even hotter. "I don't know how."

I smiled a little against his lips then, despite my nervousness and excitement. Oh, my Jacob. Werewolf, Alpha, strongest man I know, foiled by a sixteen-year-old's bra. His hesitancy decreased mine and I felt my confidence grow, my love and trust for Jacob swell inside me until it was ready to burst out.

"Give me your other hand," I whispered, not exactly sure why I was, running my lips along Jake's jaw as I waited for his compliance.

Jacob's hand withdrew slowly from under my head and he lowered it to mine, his large fingers raising goosebumps on my skin. I took his hand in mine and laid back, arching my back off the bed as high as it would go and leading his hand up next to his other one.

Lying on Jacob's forearms should have been uncomfortable, as large and hard as they were, but it wasn't. He didn't move his hands, waiting for instruction. I could have already had the bra off myself a five times over, but I really wanted Jake to do this.

"Do you feel the hook?" I asked quietly, and I felt his fingers shift, brushing against me. He nodded. "Hold it from either side and push them together."

I arched my back up a little further, pressing me even more into Jacob's chest as he attempted to obey me. He bit his lip in concentration as I felt his fingers fumble with the small clasp, and I heard his heart rate accelerate. I leaned up and kissed his throat softly in an attempt to put him at ease, but his pulse only thrummed faster.

Jacob brought either side of the waistband together, pushing, and I felt the clasp give. He gave me a questioning look that was too adorable for words.

"Now let go."

He did, and the elastic in the waistband constricted back to its original length, leaving my back bare. Jacob's hand swooped up, caressing the skin there, his movements bringing my t-shirt up more. The front rose a few more inches and my bare stomach came into contact with Jacob's, earning a hiss from both of us.

The sensation of skin-on-skin was amazing, and the heat from Jacob's body only added to the not-so-slow burning fire in the pit of my stomach. Jacob leaned in for a kiss, but I placed a small palm to his chest, stopping him.

He looked bewildered, so I whispered, "Wait. Sit back for a second."

He seemed to understand then, withdrawing his arms from under me and raising himself up onto his forearms, giving me more space. Jacob watched me with interested black eyes as I cautiously performed the trick Aunt Alice taught me last year, pulling the straps of my bra out of my sleeves and maneuvering my arms through them. When I was done, I carefully reached one arm up the front of my shirt and pulled my bra off, flinging it somewhere above me on the bed.

Jacob's eyes flicked towards the bra as it zoomed out of his peripherals, but his gaze quickly came back to me. He had seen me like this countless times over the past few weeks, but now it felt very different. Maybe it was the act of undressing in front of him that felt particularly . . . intimate.

His eyes scanned my chest and with embarrassment I felt myself harden under his gaze. Jacob's eyes widened at this, his gaze then flicking quickly to mine. He lowered his head and kissed me softly, his tongue tracing along my bottom lip.

I wrapped my arms around his neck again and kissed him back as his hand slowly began to make its way from my hip back up my side. When he reached the hem of my shirt and I felt his fingers skip over it, my hand came down to stop him.

Jacob looked at me questioningly, but I could only shake my head. I guided his hand back down a few inches, to the waistband of my jeans, and then back up, this time sliding his fingers under the fabric. I nodded to show Jacob it was okay with me, guiding him a few more inches before leaving him.

He wasn't looking at me, but at his hand resting on my stomach. Jacob had never touched me there before today, at least not in recent memory, and I think we both realized that. I don't think he had even seen my stomach in at least a year, maybe more. I didn't really make a habit of walking around in belly shirts. He flexed his hand, his fingers pressing gently into my skin.

After a few long moments, Jacob's hand slowly began to move upward. He moved forward a few inches and then back, sweeping his hand slowly up and down, gently caressing every inch of my stomach. The muscles in my stomach tightened under his hand, the tension building there making me arch up into his touch.

I don't know how long Jacob did this, but by the time his fingers reached my very top rib, I was nearly panting. It was unfair – it was teasing. I didn't even have his lips to distract me from his maddening touches.

As though Jacob had heard the thought, he leaned down then and kissed me and I very nearly lost control. I had to force my legs to stay put and not wrap themselves around him. Jacob pulled back after a few seconds and the words he whispered against my lips literally made me ache.

"Can I touch you, Nessie?"

My breath caught in my throat, my heart stuttered into high speed, my head was spinning with desire. I didn't just want him to touch me, I _needed_ him to touch me. A thrill of terror ran through me but I shot it down. This was Jake. I loved him and he loved me and this was okay.

I don't remember sending the message to my brain to nod, but Jake's face moved up and down in front of me so I deduced that was what my head was doing. I tensed with wonderful, glorious anticipation as Jacob caught my lips in a kiss again. The urgency from before was gone, the roughness.

After a few soft kisses, I felt the heat from Jacob's hand slide slowly upward and onto my breast.

It was so different. The heat from his skin was astounding, and if I thought I had hardened under his gaze before it was nothing compared with what my body was doing now. It was him, Jacob, touching me in places and ways that no one ever had before or ever would again and I couldn't explain it if I tried.

Jacob brushed a thumb over me and I arched into his hand, harder and higher than I had before, a strange keening sound falling from my lips. He let out a sharp breath into my mouth and his body tensed above me, like he was restraining himself from something. I worked against every instinct I had to force myself to pull back.

"Are you okay?" I asked, a little breathless from pleasure. His rough fingers ran across me again and I bit my lip hard this time, prepared for the sound I knew would try to escape.

"Perfect," Jacob promised, kissing me once more. "You – your skin – amazing."

If it was possible, I felt even better at the prospect that touching me made Jacob feel good too.

"I love you," I whispered, and caught Jacob's lips in a kiss when he opened them to reply.

Time blurred together, speeding up and stretching out with the speed and urgency of our kisses. Jacob's large hand covered my entire breast easily, but he never pulled the shirt above my ribcage which made me more comfortable. I wasn't sure if I was ready for him to see me yet. We switched positions, rolled over until I was balanced carefully on Jacob's large body and sat up, Jacob leaning his back against the headboard of the bed for support. It was fluid, languid, something I hardly realized until I noticed the angle Jacob's face hovered before mine changing.

My entire torso became quickly accustomed to the feeling of Jacob's hands, my lust and desire for him peaking and receding in turn. I felt very mature when I came to the decision on my own that we had progressed far enough for tonight and that I would not push for more. I was careful not to press my hips forward into Jacob's stomach, as they were prone to do, or wrap my legs around him. I just kissed him and touched him and let everything else melt away – even the tension between my thighs becoming manageable after awhile.

Finally, Jacob's stomach gave a loud growl, making me pull back from his lips with a giggle.

"Hungry, Jacob?"

He kissed my lips once more softly and wound his fingers through my hair. "I guess so - I think I've finally found something I'd rather be doing than eating."

I laughed softly, feeling tired and rested at the same time. I stretched across Jacob's body and rolled easily off of him, against the better judgment of the part of my brain that tells me to lock Jacob in a room and never come out.

"Well, how about we . . . order pizza," I suggested. "There's probably a phone book in here somewhere, and then we can . . . alternate between both."

"What," Jacob asked. "Eating and kissing?"

"Why not?" I asked, using a palm balanced on Jacob's chest for leverage to push myself up. "And you still need a shower, Mr. Grease – might as well have the food on its way."

"Well, I regret to inform you," Jacob stated in a very professional tone, running his hand up my stomach casually to lift my shirt a few inches. "That due to you spending some . . . ah, personal time, with Mr. Grease, you have now become Ms. Grease."

I glanced down to where Jacob's hand rested to see faint smears of grease spread along my abdomen. Also, the contrast of black on russet on white was not lost on me.

"I'll shower too then, after you're done," I said dismissively, unable to hold back my smile at the visible signs of the path Jacob's hands had taken.

"You can go first," Jacob allowed, which was normal. "I'll order the food while you're gone. What d'you want on your pizza?"

"Pineapples," I said immediately, already knowing the reaction I would receive.

"Gross, Nessie," Jacob groaned, but sat up anyway and began looking in the nightstand for a phonebook. "How do you even eat that?"

"You don't _have_ to get it," I told him, rolling my eyes and rolling off the bed in one movement. "You asked me what I wanted."

"No, I'll get it," Jake promised, making sure his tone expressed exactly how much he was sacrificing. "But only because I love you so much."

"That's fair, I guess. My pajamas still in the bathroom?"

"Yeah, I think so."

Turns out, they were. I was in the shower hardly five minutes, just long enough to quickly rinse the traces of grease from my stomach and – I blushed when I saw it – breasts. I almost didn't want to; it was nice to have some visible sign of where Jacob's hands had been.

I got redressed, into my pajamas this time, and padded out of the bathroom to find Jacob sitting on the corner of the bed with my black bra in his hands, studying the catch. He started when he saw me and his face got a shade darker, quickly dropping his hands and my bra to his lap.

"What're you doing?" I asked, smiling and laughing a little to show him it was okay. I didn't want him to be embarrassed. He looked a little mollified as I crawled to sit beside him, indian-style.

"I was just – seeing how it works," he muttered, avoiding my eyes.

"You managed all right earlier," I teased, surprised a little at my boldness, but pleased too.

Jacob got a shade pinker and I enjoyed the role reversal. "I reckon."

"Soon you'll be able to do it one-handed," I predicted, taking Jacob's blush a step further.

"One-handed?" He asked me, looking apprehensive and intrigued at once.

"Sure," I shrugged, an idea occurring to me. I waggled my fingers. "Hand it here."

Jake obeyed me, looking bewildered. A look that only increased when I flipped the bra upside-down and inside-out, reaching it around my back and pulling it forward to attach it.

"That's how you put it on?"

"Well, yeah," I said, twisting it around and pulling the straps up onto my shoulders and feeling a little ridiculous with my bra on over my shirt but not embarrassed. "How else would you?"

"Just – just like, over your shoulders and then close it in the back."

"You could," I allowed. "If you can reach that far back. But then you still have to adjust – trust me, it's just better this way."

"Oh," he said, and then nothing else.

"Well, come on," I said after a few seconds.

"What?"

"Practice makes perfect," I said, walking on my knees a few inches so I was close enough for him to wrap his arms around easily. "Try it one-handed."

"What? Nessie – that's – unnecessary, I mean – "

"Are you . . . afraid?" I teased, watching the resolution set into his eyes like I knew it would.

Jacob narrowed his eyes at me, since he knew what I was doing, but at the same time couldn't pass it up. He reached forward and easily pulled me into his lap until I was straddling him and dipped his head to nuzzle his face into the crook of my neck.

"Let's set the scene, shall we?" He challenged, and I bit my lip at the sound of his voice. I bit harder when he kissed the hollow above my collarbone. "To make it more realistic. I won't be trying to take off your bra while we're watching TV, after all."

I was shocked that he managed to say it out loud like that, without stuttering or being hesitant at all. Challenges brought out the best of Jake. His newfound confidence made my stomach tighten pleasantly.

"We would probably be something like this," he said, his voice dropping an octave as he pulled me closer. He dragged his nose slowly up my neck until he reached my lips. He kissed me so deeply and quickly that it left me breathless when he pulled away to say, "And then my hands would slowly reach up, like this."

I felt his warm fingers slide up my back until he reached the band of the bra. His kissed me again and I was prepared this time, kissing him back with equal passion.

"And then I would – " Jake's fingers reached expertly around the band and there was a pause of about three seconds before I felt the tension fall away as the bra unlatched. "Do that."

He was better at that than he let on. Or maybe it was just the challenge that had pushed him. I sometimes joked that he'd take up the challenge of being a vampire if you told him he couldn't do it better than you. My breath quickened as Jacob rubbed the spot on my back where the catch had been.

"And then what would you do?"

He didn't smile, but I saw a flicker in his eyes that was very similar.

"Right now?"

"Yes."

I could have killed him when he said, "I would go take a shower because I've been working out in the sun all day."

My jaw fell open a little and he grinned widely, rolling until I was under him so he could get easily up.

"No fair," I argued. "You would not."

"No, I wouldn't," he agreed, still smiling at his victory. I didn't think teasing seemed as funny anymore. "But I really do stink right now, and I don't want to get you dirty again. And now you know I'm not afraid."

And then he winked and trotted off to the bathroom, leaving me lying on the bed with my jaw open and my stupid bra hanging loosely over my shirt. I scrambled to put myself back together as Jacob swung the door halfway to and started the shower without so much as a backward glance.

I pulled my bra off my shoulders and flung it across the room, my heart still beating too erratically to do much else besides sit and will my body to calm down. The tension in my stomach was unbearable – teasing was _wrong_.

Jacob, of course, wasn't gone long. I noticed he hadn't taken any clothes with him, and as much as I wanted the chance to see Jacob in a towel again, I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it in my current state so I retrieved a pair of sweatpants and a white t-shirt from Jake's bag and placed it by the door.

I turned the TV up loud and flipped through the channels, determined to find something to watch that would keep my eyes from straying to the half-open bathroom door. I settled on a cop show that was very aptly names COPS, watching as they chased a man through several urban backyards. I had to admit – it was a little interesting.

A few minutes later, Jake emerged fully dressed from the bathroom just as the show's theme song began to play. He threw himself on the bed beside me and settled back on the pillows, seeming completely at ease with himself and not at all like he had just left me hanging.

"Nobody no give you no break," Jake sang along with the music in a reggae accent, causing my head to snap around to observe him. He was bobbing his head along with the music, apparently familiar to him. "Police no give you no break. Soldier man give you no - what?"

I couldn't help but burst out into laughter, falling back on the pillows beside him. He shot me an annoyed look that only made me clutch my stomach harder and roll onto my side.

"Like you don't know the COPS song?" He asked me rhetorically, to which I managed to shake my head through the tears of mirth beginning to well in my eyes. The accent really was the icing on the cake. "Are you serious? You really don't know the song?"

"No," I managed to get out.

"Come on – 'bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?'" He half-sang, only making me laugh harder. "'Whatcha gonna do when they come for you' – you have to know it!"

"I don't, Jacob, I swear!" I choked out. "But please, keep on – I never knew you were from Jamaica!"

"Shut up," Jacob muttered, but it was half-hearted. He seemed to be more interested in the fact that I had never watched the show before then than the fact that he had a serious career ahead of him as a Bob Marley impressionist. "Have you seriously never watched COPS before?"

"How many times do I have to say it?" I started, but then fell back into another fit of laughter. "N-n-no!"

"What, my singing that bad?"

"I thought – I thought – " I stuttered, struggling to regain control of myself. I hiccupped. "I thought that a-according to the Peaceable Agreement of 2010, you weren't allowed to sing and Aunt Rose wasn't allowed to make any leg-humping jokes, since they were both painful experiences for everyone?"

Jacob rolled his eyes at me, and I was tempted to laugh again at the look on his face but settled for hiccupping twice.

"That expired this year," he said finally, not looking at me. "And besides, that only counted for when we were around each other."

I pulled the corners of my mouth down to keep them from breaking out into a gigantic grin. He was too cute.

"And let's hear you sing then, Ms. High-and-Mighty," he challenged, but then seemed to realize something. "No, never mind, don't. I bet you're good at it."

"I'm not," I said truthfully. "But that's why I don't sing. Around other people."

"I'm not other people," Jacob said. Then, "Has it ever occurred to you that it's just because I'm very comfortable around you and trust you that I finally allowed myself to be a teensy bit vulnerable and reveal something I'm very self-conscious about?"

I raised one eyebrow in response, but Jake was far from done.

"And then you laugh at my vulnerability, ruining my self-image and making me unable to trust any women in the future and therefore assure that I'm stuck with you for the rest of my life. Is that your plan, Nessie?"

Finally, even Jacob couldn't take his ridiculousness anymore and cracked a grin. I sent a poor-aimed kick Jacob's way, and he caught me around the knee easily and used it as leverage to pull me closer.

"Yes, Jacob, that's my plan," I played along, waggling my eyebrows like a villain in an old black-and-white cartoon. "I'm systematically ruining your self-confidence so you're left with an unhealthy need for my approval and can never leave my side."

I half-heartedly fought his grip on my leg, but it was iron-tight and I knew it. And in all honesty, it's not like I really wanted to get away.

"My ego might put up a fight," he threatened, his hand sliding up a little further on my leg.

"Can it even move considering how big it is?" I asked to distract myself from the way his warm fingers felt on the back of my lower thigh.

"We'll have to see," Jacob said, and then he pounced.

* * *

**Coming up:**

Jacob stared at me for a long moment before his eyes flickered down to the pizza between us. Without warning, he leaned forward and snatched a huge bite off with his teeth. His lips brushed my fingers when he did and it made my stomach clench even harder. He watched my face while he chewed slowly, and I was glad to see he didn't look as though he were consuming something completely inedible.

My eyes were drawn to his jaw as he chewed and his throat as he swallowed, enjoying the way the muscles tensed to carry out the action.

"You're right," Jacob said after he had swallowed, still studying my face. "It is good."

"See?"

"Yeah," he said, letting his mouth fall open a little. "Another bite."

I placed the slice of pizza into his mouth and he tore off another piece, my eyes following his teeth this time.


	30. In Which Jake is Nessie's Alpha

_**A/N:** _Okay y'all, the first of the return of regular updates. And some more Jake and Nessie fun. It's not just fluff though - I'm progressing their relationship. Which I'll admit, is really fun. So . . . some chase, some pizza, and then . . . some other stuff! So go read!

But don't forget to vote for _Hands on Me_ and _Undeniable_!

**_thesparkleawards(dot)yolasite(dot)com_** - Hands on Me/The Edward Award (Best Romance)

**__****_razzledazzleawards(dot)webs(dot)ne_**t - Hands on Me/Best Romance 

**_and theindietwificawards(dot)com_** - Hands on Me/Best Canon (WIP), Best non-ExB storyline (WIP), Most Romantic Moment (WIP)

and Undeniable - Best Use of Comedy (WIP)

Yep. That's about all - so thanks!

**_Disclaimer:_ **I don't own the song, the character, the names. I only own the chapter titles and the funny things Jake says. Oh, and the thousand things I want to say about the chapter until it's time to post, at which point I promptly forget. Yeah.

* * *

In Which Jake is Nessie's Alpha

* * *

_i'm aware that all in love is fair  
but that's no reason to make me feel this way_

_- fefe dobson, kiss me fool_

-

I immediately flew back when I felt him release me, but he was right behind me, catching me again. I managed to wriggle away before his grip could tighten and flew across the room.

"Catch me if you can, Jacob Black!" I called, my line from when I was younger returning to me and falling from my lips like I said it everyday.

"Oh, I will," he said, getting to his feet and assuming a very predator-like pose. "Don't worry, Ness."

He lunged and I spun, bounding in the opposite direction and leaving his arms empty once more. He growled in frustration. We hadn't done this in awhile – he was out of practice.

"Getting old, Jakey?" I taunted, making him make a jump for me again.

He faked left, then right, but I stood mostly still. I was ready to jump back if he made an actual attempt to catch me. He finally did and I hopped onto the bed, realizing at once that I had made a very bad move: I was cornered.

"Not so chatty now, are we?" Jake asked as he approached, exaggeratedly slowly. I knew, to use another phrase Aunt Alice was fond of because it annoyed Aunt Rose, the jig was up.

But then someone knocked on the door.

"Pizza!"

"Just a second!" Jacob called back, narrowing his eyes at me before he turned to head to the door.

With him sufficiently distracted, I ran to the bathroom and sidled behind the door. To the bathroom because I was without a bra and didn't want the pizza guy to see me and behind the door because I was going to leap at Jake when he began to look for me.

I heard the door open and the sound of things being set down, followed by Jake's word of thanks and then the door shut again.

"Ness?" Jacob said a few seconds later. "He's gone – Ness?"

I stifled a giggle, feeling childish and a little exhilarated at our game.

"It's not like you can hide," Jacob stated, and I heard his footsteps approach. "You're obviously in the bathroom, so – "

The second Jake stepped far enough in the bathroom to clear the door, I shot out from behind it and took off, pinching him in the back as I went, of course. He spun around to grab at me, but I was too fast and already back in the room and on the other side of the bed.

I flipped open the pizza box, grabbed a slice and took a quick bite before putting it back down. Jake narrowed his eyes at me as I chewed the bite slowly, making sure I made very convincing "mmm" noises.

"Did you just eat my pizza?"

"I think I did," I told him, skipping a few steps back and grabbing one of the large two-liters of soda sitting on the table. I, of course, skipped over the Coke and chose the Mountain Dew. "And now I'm thirsty."

I should have known better, but the second I raised the huge bottle to my lips to take a swallow, I felt the air change. By the time I tipped the bottle back down and looked, Jacob was on my side of the bed. My heart rate sped up, anticipation twisting in my stomach. I tried to make a run for it, but Jacob caught me around the waist, snatching me back to him and making me slop soda all down my front. It was _cold_.

"Jacob Black, you got me wet!" I shouted, already knowing the triumph of the win would overshadow any care he may have had about this.

My heart thrummed in my chest as Jacob pulled the bottle easily from my fingers and set it on the table behind us without another look. In a flash, he had me pinned against the wall and my stomach clenched pleasantly at the familiar position. There was also the stab of fear that the game of chase brought – what happened once you were caught?

"Got you," Jacob said quietly, and I could hear his heart beating fast too. He caught my wrists easily in each of his big hands and drew them up above my head and I barely struggled. "Say 'Jake is my Alpha'."

Damn it. This was the worst part about getting caught: admitting defeat. And you had to do it too – you couldn't will-battle it out. I'd tried, and Jake would just sit there until you conceded.

Jacob pressed himself harder against me and I gasped. I wondered if he realized he wasn't persuading me at all; I was quite happy where I was. I was also a little shocked to realize I didn't have as much of a problem with what Jacob wanted me to say as I used to. I blushed at the thought. I _wanted to say it_.

I forced myself to look up at Jacob, who was staring down at me in victory. His eyes were darker than usual too, and I wondered if he liked the position as much as me. We should play games more often.

"Jake is my Alpha."

"I didn't hear you," Jake whispered, his knee pressing into the space between my legs and making my back arch into him. I knew he had and the tone of his voice only solidified my suspicions: Jacob wanted me to say it too.

"Jacob is my Alpha," I said, louder this time, but breathless.

"What did you say?" He asked. There was a hint of teasing in his tone, but something else too, lurking on the edges.

"I said, 'Jacob is my Alpha'!"

He released me, his leg dropping from between mine and letting go of my wrists so that my arms slowly slid back down to rest at my sides. My body cried out in dissatisfaction at the loss of contact and arched after him as he stepped back.

Jacob looked down at me, his eyes almost back to complete playfulness. I envied his quick recovery.

"That's what I thought you said. Let's eat."

"I need to change first," I said, attempting to sound a little annoyed to cover the shakiness in my tone. "You got soda all over me."

Jake grinned at me then and took in my wet shirt and pants.

"Change then, I'll wait."

Fine. He wanted to go all Alpha on me and press me up against the wall and drive me crazy for the _second_ time that day and act like nothing happened, then fine.

I marched over to his bag and started rifling through it, being obvious enough for it to draw his attention.

"What're you doing?"

"Getting something to sleep in," I told him, withdrawing his wolf t-shirt and heading towards the bathroom. "You didn't think I was going to sleep in jeans, did you?"

I was glad to see I had broken through his recently acquired calm façade when he said a little nervously, "But that shirt's dirty."

"Less dirty than I am," I called back from the bathroom, already slipping out of shirt and pants.

I washed my torso in the sink since I didn't feel like showering again and pulled Jacob's t-shirt over my head. It, of course, was huge on me. It fell to my knees and the sleeves almost reached my elbows, which was good since Jacob's sweatpants were big enough for me to use as a sleeping bag.

Jacob didn't look up at the sound of the door opening but he was forced to look at me when I settled myself cross-legged on the floor beside him. His eyes widened slightly and I wriggled self-consciously under his gaze as he surveyed me from head to toe.

"What?" I asked once he was done. I was pleased to see him turn a little pink.

"It looks better on you," he said finally.

I was the one who blushed then. Who could stay irritated with Jake when he said things like that?

"Whatever," I said, reaching across him to get the bottle of Coke. "Where's my pizza?"

He passed a box to me and I opened it to see half of it pineapple like I wanted and half of it set up just like Jake's. I looked back up at him with narrowed eyes.

"That's not fair," I said, knowing it was and just feeling like picking an argument. It was fun to play-argue with Jake. "You never even tried pineapple."

"I never tried blood either," he returned quickly, somehow already on his second slice.

I decided I wasn't giving up that easy. If Jacob could hold me up against the wall and make me say Alpha then I could make him try pineapple pizza.

"You're going to try it," I told him seriously.

It was his turn to raise an eyebrow. "No, I'm not."

I picked up a slice and took a bite, chewing thoughtfully. Jake watched with interest as I leaned forward and picked a stray pineapple chunk off the box and popped it into my mouth. I pretended like I didn't notice and kept eating. Inevitably, after a few minutes, Jacob had exhausted his pizza but was far from full.

"Hand me one of yours, Ness," Jake asked as he took a long swig of Mountain Dew.

"Sure, sure," I said, picking up a slice of pineapple pizza and holding it out to him.

He raised both of his eyebrows this time and gave me a look that very clearly said _nice try, honey_.

"Come on, Jake," I wheedled, holding it out to him. "It's really good. I tried hot sauce and macaroni and cheese for you."

"That's different," Jacob argued, looking more like a child being talked into trying broccoli now. "Hot sauce with macaroni is awesome. Pineapples on pizza is gross."

I scooted closer to him until I was right beside him. I took a bite from the slice and chewed and swallowed, as though to prove my point. Jake's eyes moved to my mouth while I was eating but didn't shift after I was done. I was struck with idiot inspiration.

I took another bite and swallowed quickly, leaning in closer to Jacob when I was done. I ran my nose along his jaw line and up his cheek slowly, and when he turned his head towards me I caught his lips in a kiss. Jacob responded immediately, flicking his tongue along my lips after a few seconds. I pulled back.

"You taste like pizza," I whispered quietly, which was the truth. He tasted _good_.

"You do too," he returned, leaning back in to kiss me again but I evaded him.

"Is it gross?"

"Of course not, Nessie," Jake answered quickly, worry in his tone. I was glad to see the less-cocky Jacob back. This time when he tried to kiss me, I let him. He ran his tongue along my lips before he pulled back as though to prove a point. "You taste amazing. You always do."

His words of course made me blush and my stomach clench, but they were also exactly what I wanted. I withdrew my head a little further and held up my half-eaten slice of pizza between us. I made sure to give him my best pretty-please eyes.

"Then why won't you try it?" I asked, trying to sound hurt. It wasn't too hard. I was, a little, even though it was something stupid to get upset over. "If you don't like it, I promise I'll never ask you to eat it again. For me, Jacob?"

Jacob stared at me for a long moment before his eyes flickered down to the pizza between us. Without warning, he leaned forward and snatched a huge bite off with his teeth. His lips brushed my fingers when he did and it made my stomach clench even harder. He watched my face while he chewed slowly, and I was glad to see he didn't look as though he were consuming something completely inedible.

My eyes were drawn to his jaw as he chewed and his throat as he swallowed, enjoying the way the muscles tensed to carry out the action.

"You're right," Jacob said after he had swallowed, still studying my face. "It is good."

"See?"

"Yeah," he said, letting his mouth fall open a little. "Another bite."

I placed the slice of pizza into his mouth and he tore off another piece, my eyes following his teeth this time.

So the list of things I enjoyed watching Jake do apparently went like this: growling, working on cars, anything to do with his hair or without his shirt, and eating. Is there anything he did that didn't make my stomach tighten up?

By the time I had pulled myself out of this thought and returned to the present, Jake had already finished his mouthful and watching me with a look I had come to know well. We reached for each other at the same time and a second later, Jacob had me pulled into his lap. I straddled his legs, bracing my knees on the carpet and was glad for the bed Jacob had his back against because it meant he couldn't get away from me this time.

I'm not sure where the slice of pizza that had been in my hands went, but it wasn't there when my greasy fingers went to Jacob's face, pulling him in for a kiss. He tasted like Jacob and pizza and Mountain Dew and even a little bit like pineapples. I moaned into his mouth and broke the kiss as he tried to pull me closer.

"No teasing," I warned him, sitting back a little further when he tried to kiss me again. "You hear me?"

"What?" He asked, bewildered. He was already more far gone than I thought. Good.

"No teasing," I repeated, trying my best to look serious and keep my hips from rolling forward into his at the same time. "If you start kissing me and then in a couple minutes try and pull some shit about wanting to finish eating, I'm going to suck your blood."

Jacob's hands ran up and down my sides and his eyes flashed at my words. He kissed me quickly, pulling back before I could react. "Promise?"

I made a sound that was intended to be a groan, but came out more of a moan.

"I'm serious, Jacob," I said, but then I kissed him so I'm sure that took away a lot of the authority from my tone. "You're going to kill me if you keep that up."

Jacob's hands slowed on my body and his eyes grew serious.

"I didn't mean to tease you, Nessie," he said sincerely, and I could feel him trying to relax, tone down the tension in his body. "I'm not trying to make it harder for you. I was just playing, like we always do."

"You're forgiven," I granted, smiling to show him I wasn't upset. "You tried pineapple pizza, so we're even."

"Let me make it up to you," Jake requested, brushing his lips tantalizingly against mine. "No teasing this time."

"Please," I whispered, and then that was it.

By the time we got back to the pizza, it was cold.

"I still can't believe you've never seen COPS," Jacob brought back up as we ate cold pizza and drank hot soda on the bed later that night. "Throwing hicks and druggies down stairs since 1989 – come on!"

"I really haven't," I said, chuckling a little as I remembered Jake's singing.

"I'm going to have to educate you on the finer points of American culture," he told me, gesturing at me with a slice of pizza, sending something flying off of it and onto my face.

I flinched as it hit my cheek, but a grin broke out on my face when I saw what it was. I popped it into my mouth.

"Look who likes pineapple pizza."

"Yeah, well," he said evasively, taking another bite. "It's not so bad. And you made me work up an appetite."

"Like you didn't love every second," I teased, but I shivered a little as I remembered how Jacob's hands had felt on my body.

"Never said that," Jake said, shaking his head and finishing off the slice of pizza in his hand. "All I said was you know how to make a man fucking hungry, Ness."

Damn it. I wanted to kiss him again. How were we ever going to get anything done?

I rubbed my hands together over the pizza box to get the crumbs off then leaned forward and wiped the excess grease off on Jake's shirt before throwing myself back on the pillows.

"What do you think you're doing?" He asked, and I could see the effort he was exerting to keep the corners of his mouth from turning up.

"Cleaning my hands," I said simply. "You got soda on me – the least you can deal with is a little bit of grease."

Come to think of it, he got grease on me too.

Jacob shut the pizza box and slid it off the bed before crawling up to lie on his side next to me, hovering over me. He placed a heavy hand on my stomach and ran it slowly up my side, curling his fingers around my waist and squeezing. I arched into his hand without meaning to.

"Did it ever occur to you that it was all a part of my master plan to get you in my clothes?"

I blushed without really understanding why. I gripped the new grease stain on Jacob's t-shirt and used it for leverage, pulling myself up high enough to kiss the base of his throat.

"Did it ever occur to _you _that it was all a part of _my _master plan to get you out of your shirt?"

I kind of couldn't believe I just said that. Jacob sat up a little and pulled back and I was sure I had gone too far, pushed past the limit I was allowed. But then he reached behind him and pulled his shirt straight up over his head, tossing it somewhere behind him.

I kind of just sat there for a second, frozen. It wasn't like I'd never seen Jacob without his shirt before. I'd spent an hour kissing him today without it, but there was just something about how he looked now, over me on his knees on the bed, the muscles in his stomach tensed slightly, that made me speechless.

"All you had to do was ask."

Damn it. Damn it, damn it, damn it.

It was just a sentence – why was that any reason for me to have to press my thighs together?

My hand reached forward of almost its own accord to press flat against the center of his body, just under his chest. I felt the muscles flex under my fingers and my stomach tightened too, but in a very different way. Jacob caught my hand when it started to slide towards his naval and guided it slowly back up until it was pressed against his heart.

"Sorry," I mumbled, feeling my face turn red.

"No," Jake said, moving to lay over me, supporting himself with his arms so our bodies didn't touch. "I'm sorry. That I'm not stronger."

Oh. Maybe the way his stomach tensed hadn't been so different from the way mind had after all.

"Don't be sorry, Jake," I said, reaching up and pulling his head down for a kiss. "I'm sorry this is hard for you too."

"Wouldn't trade it for anything, though," he swore, kissing the corner of my mouth softly. Then my cheek, then just by my ear. "You really do look amazingly hot in my shirt, Ness."

Pleasure flushed through me at his words, turning my cheeks pink and making me press my knees more tightly together.

"God, Jake," I said, quieter than I intended. "It's just your t-shirt, it's not like it's . . . lingerie or anything."

"As . . . enticing as that mental picture is," Jacob whispered into my ear, making desire twist in my stomach as I pictured Jake picturing me in lingerie. "I think I like this better. Wolves look good on you, Nessie."

"Jacob Black," I said, trying to sound authoritative but just managing breathless. "That comment wouldn't happen to have a double meaning, would it?"

Jake just _mmm_'d into the skin at my neck, nuzzling for a moment before he stopped abruptly.

"Nessie?" He asked, louder than I was expecting. "Why didn't you stop me?"

"What?" I asked, confused. I never wanted him to _stop_ anything, except maybe talking, but that was only sometimes.

I felt his fingers reach up and brush a spot on my neck gently. "Why didn't you tell me I was being too rough?"

Too rough? Jacob was never too rough – quite the opposite, actually.

"W-when?"

"When I – with my teeth – "

"What're you talking about, Jake?"

I wished I had kept my mouth shut when Jacob pulled away from me, sitting up. He reached for my hand, though, and brought me with him. He shifted so we were both turned sideways and wrapped an arm around my waist, much more gently than usual.

"Look," he said, gesturing to the mirror several feet from the foot of the bed. His fingers reached up to touch my neck softly again. "Look what I did to you. I know you had to have felt it."

At first, I didn't even see what Jacob was talking about. I was too caught up with the sight of us together in the mirror. We looked . . . _good_ together. Complete opposites, but somehow we matched. Jacob was shirtless and my face was flushed, my hair spilling over the russet arm he had wrapped around my waist. The picture was perfect, except for the worried look on Jacob's face.

I let my sight hone in on the space on my neck that his fingers stroked and I saw it: a small, light purple . . . bruise? I had never had a bruise before – but then I realized.

Before today, I had also never been bitten by werewolf teeth.

I reached up to touch the discolored place on my neck, smiling slightly. It was a little uncomfortable when I pressed on it, but besides that, I wouldn't have probably even felt it if Jacob hadn't brought it to my attention. I _liked_ it. Like with the oil this afternoon, I liked the visible sign of where Jacob had touched me, with his teeth this time instead of his hands.

A word I had heard once and hardly ever thought of after popped into my mind as I studied it. For once, I figured something out on my own.

"A hickey."

* * *

**Coming up:**

He pulled me into a fierce kiss that left me breathless when it ended.

"Did that hurt, Jacob?"

He just shook his head, his eyes black and clouded with desire. One of his hands threaded through my hair and pulled me back down for another heart-stopping kiss.

"That was the most - the fucking sexiest - "


	31. In Which The Blame Train is Stopped

_**A/N:** _Okay, y'all. I really like this chapter and had oodles (yes, I said oodles) of fun writing it. I think my bruise theory is possible, even if a little unlikely. Plus its convenient, and conveniency is my friend. I'm starting to earn my M rating a little, piece by piece, so I'm just going to warn you now. I promise nothing will get _extremely_ graphic or vulgar. Or vulgar at all, really, so please don't be put off.

Now, that said: read and then vote! Or vote and then read, whichever. You can find the info in the previous chapter.

_**Disclaimer: **_Not mine, none of it. It's sad, really. Ooh - but I will own a laptop again in a few days and I'll get back to writing!

* * *

In Which The Blame Train is Stopped in its Tracks

* * *

_so what if i want to kiss  
from your toes up to your lips?  
it don't mean that you've had me yet  
you're gonna be good, i bet_

_- fefe dobson, don't let it go to your head_

-

"What?"

"It's . . . it's a hickey."

Jacob reached up and took my face gently in one hand, guiding my chin up to look at him.

"Nessie, it's a bruise," he said seriously, like I imagine I would tell someone they had cancer.

"I know that," I said, restraining myself from rolling my eyes. "What's the big deal?"

"You don't bruise, Ness!" Jacob exclaimed. "You're half-vampire – you never get a mark on you. Ever. And now you've got a bruise. I – I mean, I was being careful, but I didn't know I . . . bit you that hard – "

"You didn't, Jake!" I interrupted, before he could push his blame train into full-steam ahead. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, pulling myself closer. "It was . . . nice. Really nice."

"Nessie, don't lie to me, it's not funny – "

"I'm not lying!" I exclaimed, louder than I probably should've. "I wouldn't lie to you, Jacob. It was really nice and I didn't even notice it until you brought it up!"

"You mean to tell me it didn't hurt you at all?" He asked, skeptical.

"Did I react like someone in pain?" I returned, and Jacob's face changed a little as I hoped he began to see reason. "Jacob, think about it: you're a werewolf – your teeth are strong. They're made to cut through vampire skin. I know, of course, that they're not as strong when you're human but I'm only half-vampire, so it evens out."

"All that means is that I'm strong enough to hurt you," he said quietly, and his face grew unbearably sad. He was serious about this.

"It didn't hurt, Jake," I said simply. "I'm telling you that, honest and simple. I mean, what do you want me to do? Bite you back? Will that make you feel better?"

I had meant it rhetorically, of course, because the entire situation was so ridiculous. But Jake hesitated for the space of two heartbeats, and then nodded.

"Yes."

"Are you serious?" I asked suddenly in disbelief.

His jaw tightened as a resolved look settled onto his face and I knew he wouldn't give this up easily. I wouldn't win this one, not in the traditional way at least. An idea occurred to me.

"Okay," I said, nodding and attempting to look compliant and agreeable. "All right, Jake. I'll bite you if that's what you want."

"Nessie, I'm being serious here," he warned, and I could tell he was. Good, because I was too. "I really want you to bite me like I bit you."

"You're the Alpha, Jake," I said, grinning a little at my joke. "Lay back."

That threw him off. Like I knew it would.

"What?"

"I'm going to bite you like you bit me," I explained, taking advantage of his confusion by placing a hand on his chest and guiding him back on the bed. "Exactly the same."

"Ness –"

"Don't make this harder than it has to be, Jacob," I warned, and was glad when he complied, allowing me to push him down against the pillows. He still looked wary, though, as if he suspected that I had something up my sleeve.

I crawled up beside him and careful not to flash him, threw a leg over his and settled myself across his hips. A thrill of desire rushed through me as we made contact, Jacob's body heat noticeable even through his sweatpants. I, of course, had no pants on and the heat against my inner thighs was . . . interesting.

I was careful to make sure Jake's wolf t-shirt didn't ride up too far on my legs, but it was inevitable that it slipped a few inches above my knees at the change in position. Jacob's hands immediately went to my hips, as though a force of habit, because the next words out of his mouth didn't match up with his actions.

"Nessie, don't – "

"Nope, it's too late to change your mind, Jacob," I said, shaking my head at him and intentionally acting as though I misunderstood him. "You asked me to bite you and now that's what you're gonna get. No use trying to chicken out now."

I stretched up over him, resting my forearms on either side of his head like he had done with me until our noses almost brushed. Jacob squeezed my hips tighter and opened his mouth like he was going to speak but I shot him a look that made him close it again.

"Now let's . . . set the scene, shall we?" I asked and Jacob's eyes lit with recognition. He looked again like he had something to say, but something in my eyes must have made him think better of it. "To make it more realistic. You didn't give me a hickey while we were watching TV, after all."

My hair fell down around us as I shifted and Jacob's hands slid down from their place on my hips to my legs, spread out on either side of his hips. I gasped a little when he reached the place where the shirt ended and I was confronted with the heat of his hands on the sensitive skin of my thighs. He slid them quickly back up though, until they were back where they started, the hem of the shirt rising another inch or two with the movement.

"I think we were something like this," I said to distract myself, leaning in to brush my lips against Jake's. I heard his heartbeat accelerate.

And finally, I pressed my lips to his. It was like coming home. It was ridiculous, because I'd kissed him less than twenty minutes ago but that's what it felt like. He kissed me back, but slowly and a little reluctantly, as though he were punishing himself by not allowing himself to enjoy it. I wasn't having that.

I slid one of my arms down to grip his hair, running my tongue along the crease of Jacob's lips, coaxing him to open them. He tried to ignore it, kissing me back as best he could without parting his lips and I knew he was trying to deny himself without rejecting me. Either that or he was afraid of hurting me, both of which were ridiculous ideas.

I decided on guilt tripping.

"You don't want to kiss me, Jacob?" I asked between the reluctant, close-mouthed kisses he was giving me. I felt the groan begin to rumble in his throat before I heard it.

"Nessie –"

"Either you want to kiss me, Jacob, or you don't," I said as I kissed him softly again, hoping he'd take it as a challenge and it would awaken some of the cocky Jacob that I could use right about now. "'Nessie' has nothing to do with it."

It worked, because as I leaned back in Jacob's head actually came off the pillow to capture my lips. He didn't kiss me with as much as I knew he was capable of, but at least he was loosening up. He parted his lips under mine finally and I got to taste his mouth that still tasted like our supper of pizza and soda.

I kissed him like this for awhile until I felt he had sufficiently lost himself in the sensations and wasn't worrying about me. Finally I pulled back, releasing Jacob's lips so I could place small kisses along his jaw line.

"Nessie – " Jacob whispered, but it was different this time. He wasn't telling me to stop or slow down or anything. I don't think he even realized he said it.

I kissed down his neck, sidling a little further down Jacob's body so that his hands had to rise up a little to just above my hips. I kissed the junction between his neck and shoulder, parting my lips and running my tongue along the skin there.

I could feel Jacob's pulse, could almost hear the blood rushing through his veins. I _wanted_ to bite him. But it wasn't in the vampire sense. I wasn't thirsty. I just wanted to be closer to him, I wanted to taste his skin, his blood – to sink my teeth into his soft skin and make him moan and feel exactly the way he made me.

"And then I would do this – " I whispered, pressing my lips firmly into the side of his neck and flicking my tongue out, teasing.

"God, Ness – " Jake gasped, holding me tighter and there was no doubt about it now, he definitely didn't want me to stop.

I took a moment to gather myself, rein my desire in and make sure my thirst was in check. This was the longest I'd ever gone without hunting – more than a month, and there was no way in hell I was taking a chance with Jacob. I was actually a little relieved when I realized my desire would be more of a hindrance than my thirst.

I ran my tongue once more over Jacob's skin, before parting my lips and opening my jaw a little wider. I felt Jacob's body tense and I paused to allow him to stop me, but his hands stayed where they were, gripping just above my hips, although his fingers tightened considerably.

And then I did something I hadn't done since I was very small: I sunk my teeth carefully into Jacob's warm flesh.

Jacob let out a loud moan and his entire body arched against me, his hands pulling my hips a little roughly down onto his. It wasn't in pain – I swear I would have stopped if it had been – but in pleasure, his entire body held taut in a way I'd only seen once. But unlike the other time, Jacob's body didn't relax afterwards, but stayed tense, his breathing heavy.

After a few seconds, when I had assured that Jacob was in no pain and both my thirst and desire were firmly under control, I pulled in. Jacob's warm, fragrant blood flooded my mouth and I moaned loudly, his sounds mixing with mine.

I held the blood in my mouth for a moment like a connoisseur might with a fine wine before I swallowed. My body warmed as it flowed down my throat and my hips pressed of their own accord into Jacob's, and his grip tightened, holding me there. I drew in once more, swallowing more quickly this time and then I knew I had to stop.

I withdrew my teeth slowly, Jacob moaning again as I did so and in my peripherals I could see his teeth digging so fiercely into his lip that I'm surprised it didn't break the skin. I shivered at the pleasure that ran through my body at the prospect of licking the blood from his lips.

I ran the flat of my tongue soothingly over the place I had bitten, cleaning the wound and sealing it in one fell swoop. The wound was already half-healed, and in a few minutes it would be completely gone. Jacob's hands left my hips and came up to my face, pulling me gently but firmly to face him.

He pulled me into a fierce kiss that left me breathless when it ended.

"Did that hurt, Jacob?"

He just shook his head, his eyes black and clouded with desire. One of his hands threaded through my hair and pulled me back down for another heart-stopping kiss.

"That was the most – the fucking sexiest – thing – "

I rocked my hips forward into Jacob's again and noticed something was different, but I couldn't tell what it was. The tension inside me did that thing where it lessened and increased at the same time, and I couldn't help it. Jacob wasn't stopping me and it felt so _good_ so I rolled my hips again. My panties and Jacob's sweatpants were the only thing separating our bodies and the thought thrilled me.

I pushed myself up onto my arms, my entire weight settling across Jacob's hips and I realized what the difference was. He was . . . firmer beneath me than before. Harder.

For whatever reason, this sent a rushing of desire through me and I pressed myself harder into him and Jacob pressed back. Except his hips didn't move.

Jacob's eyes widened and his hands flashed down to my hips, lifting my entire body off of him and pulling me upward until I was settled on his stomach instead. The heat from his bare skin was a shock to my thighs, but that wasn't the worst part. The only thing separating my skin from Jacob's now were my panties and I knew now that he could feel the effect he had on me.

I pushed myself up onto my knees quickly, so only part of my skin that was touching him was my thighs. I knew with his hyper werewolf senses that there was no chance, but I hoped that by some stroke of luck he hadn't felt how damp my panties were. This was humiliating.

Jacob watched me with wide eyes as he reached a hand down his stomach to touch the place where I had been sitting. His hand was directly under my parted legs, inches from me and I felt my body's reaction go a step further.

His eyes widened even more, and then I remembered: Jacob could smell it.

I was off him and on the other side of the bed so fast that if I flashed him he wouldn't have even been able to see it. It took Jake a second to realize what had happened but when he did his face immediately became concerned. He sat up quickly and reached for me, but I felt myself shy away. My face was so red I could feel the heat coming off of it. Jacob must think I'm insane.

"Nessie, honey, what – "

"I'm sorry," I said, my voice coming out much smaller than I intended. "I –"

I didn't know what to say. Jacob's face fell.

"Damn it, Nessie, I knew we were going too fast – "

"No!" I exclaimed, loud enough to get his attention. I couldn't let him start blaming himself. "I just – I didn't mean to – you must think I'm – "

Jacob reached a hand for me, and I extended mine to let him take it but didn't come closer. I wondered if he could still smell me from here.

"Oh, Ness," Jacob said softly, confusing me. "Nessie, honey, come here. Please."

I relented to his gentle tugging on my hand and let him pull me to him, curling me into his chest like we always did.

"Is that what you're worried about?" He asked quietly into my hair, and I was still confused. I knew what I was worried about, but I didn't know what he thought I was. "That – your – "

I stayed silent since I had no idea what he was getting at. Jake took a deep, steadying breath.

"Is it the reaction itself that bothered you, or that I can tell?"

I noticed our joined hands. Oh. Stupid fucking half-vampire gift.

"The last one," I mumbled.

"I don't mind, Nessie," Jacob said softly, calmly, but I could tell by the way his heart rate accelerated that he was nervous. "I . . . I like it. You affect me too. It's how things work. You can't be . . . ashamed of it. It's natural."

I knew he was right, but it was just so goddamn embarrassing. I decided to cling to the one part of that sentence that didn't humiliate me.

"I . . . affect you like that too?"

"Y-yeah," he said after a moment. "It's . . . different with guys, obviously, but yeah. That . . . that's why I moved you. I just didn't want to make you uncomfortable, but it turns out that was exactly what I did. I'm so sorry, Nessie."

I thought about what Jacob said. I remembered how Jacob had . . . stirred under me, hardened. Was that how I affected him?

"Yeah," he said quietly, and it took me a second to realize he was answering my thoughts. Again. "Like that."

My mind whirred for a second, pieces clicking together and making sense in a way they hadn't before but should have. That's what you get for only learning the basics, I guess.

"Exactly," Jacob whispered, making me blush. What hadn't I let go of his hand yet? "I understand if this is moving too fast for you, Ness – "

"No," I said quickly, wanting to put a stopper in that right then. "No, Jake. It's not too fast. I just – freaked out, and I didn't know what you would think of me when you . . . felt that."

Jacob's head dipped down and I felt his breath against my ear, and I amazingly, despite my current embarrassment, felt my body react.

"The same thing I thought when you bit me, Ness."

A shiver ran through my spine at his words, and another as I remembered his stuttering a few moments ago. The fucking sexiest thing.

"You – you too," I stuttered, not exactly sure how to phrase it. Jacob's brows knitted together in confusion. "I . . . liked it when you . . . reacted to me too. I didn't know what it was at first, but I liked it."

"Really?" Jacob said as though his didn't believe me, his constant reaction when I told him something good about himself. "I was so scared it was going to freak you out so I – "

"Wait," I said, shifting to look up at Jake as the gears in my brain turned to get to a conclusion. "You – this . . . it's not the first time, is it?"

Jacob turned pink and avoided my eyes, but he shook his head. My brain flipped through all my memories of mine and Jacob's . . . time together, and it started to come together. How Jacob would usually lie on top of me, but not with our hips parallel, mine were always pressed against his stomach.

Because I affected him the same way he affected me. Only his reaction was more . . . noticeable.

"All the time," I guessed, moving my head a little to meet Jacob's gaze since he was avoiding me. "Right?"

"Usually," he mumbled, and I wanted to kiss him. I always wanted to kiss him. But now I wanted to do more than that.

"That's so . . ." Jacob's face turned apprehensive as I searched for the words. He really did have self-confidence issues when it came to me, didn't he? Hadn't I just told him I liked it? "Hot."

"Are you serious?"

I started to say "as a heart attack" but realized the bad connotations that may bring to mind and changed tack at the last second. "Yes."

"Why?" He asked suddenly.

What did he mean, why?

"I mean, you said you like my . . . reaction too," I stumbled.

"And I do," Jacob said, the hand around my waist tightening slightly. "But I don't want you to feel like you have to say that because I did."

"I'm not," I promised. "I mean, I don't know why I like it. You know how I am . . . I don't know that I like something until it happens because I've never experienced or even seen it before. I know that you want me how I want you but it's different . . . seeing it, or well . . . _feeling_ it for yourself."

"Or smelling it," Jacob cracked, the corners of his mouths turning up a little and I was glad to see him joking.

"Or smelling it," I agreed, turning pink. I had to know. "But earlier, you . . . you _felt_ it too, right?"

Jacob's eyes darkened and I knew he had, that he was remembering it. "Yes."

And I knew that he wasn't disgusted or, or freaked out. And I _wanted_ to kiss him. I wanted to more than kiss him.

So I did.

* * *

**Coming up:**

And . . . and this wasn't the first time. Had Jacob been aging and . . . hiding it from me? I had just gotten my Jacob - would I now have to deal with the fact that I would lose him too soon? Anytime shorter than forever was entirely too soon.

There was silence for about three seconds that seemed to stretch on for years, a pause in which every single one of these thoughts and more ran through my head and Jacob just stared and the water continued to pour into the sink and the outcome of everything hung in the balance.

The Jacob let out a single, long exhale and reached his hand out for me.


	32. In Which Jacob is Not Aging

**_A/N: _**Okay y'all, we are now reaching the point of my writing that I finished before I left for Libya. Half of this chapter was written here and half there, followed by the rest of _HoM_ up to about half of chapter 59 (which, as of now, is nameless). I'm just telling you, well, because I felt like it and because I thought it would be fun to see if anyone noticed any differences. I didn't, but I wrote it. ;)

Also, **QB!!!(: **asked how I come up with the lyrics that go at the beginning of the chapter. I have a document in the 'Hands on Me' folder of my computer that's 'Hands on Me Notes' that has the title, the summary, followed by each chapter in order with its number, name and quote. Then, under it, is a list of possible quotes I think will be useful, but most of the time I end up choosing something completely different anyway! It's just after the chapter's all finished and the name's picked out, I pick some lyrics that suit. It's harder than you'd think.

And - and, and, and, and (I know I do that a lot) - list of chapters up to chapter 40 for whoever guesses what Nessie's wonderful/stupid idea is. I'd offer more, but it'd give too much away.

And don't forget to **_vote_**!

_**Disclaimer**: _Only thing I own about this chapter is my half-assed hair-growth theory. To be honest, I just needed an excuse, but it worked out fine. ;)

* * *

In Which Jake is _Not _Aging

* * *

_i say too much, i don't know when to leave  
__in case you're looking, that's my heart there on my sleeve_

_- saving jane, imperfection_

-

I pushed myself up onto my knees and kissed Jacob's surprised lips. They were unresponsive for the briefest of seconds before he _mmm_'d into my mouth and began to kiss me back in earnest. I would never get tired of this: Jacob's lips, warm and firm against mine, his body, hot and strong and hard, holding me close.

For a second, I thought about my mom and the decision she had been faced with. I loved my Dad, so, so much but I don't see how there would have ever been a choice. Don't get me wrong, I glad she made the decision she did. I shuddered at the fact of Jacob being my . . . father.

Then Jacob's hand slid higher on my waist and his tongue ran along my lips and there was not a fatherly thought in my head. I threw my leg over his hips and pulled myself back into his lap like before. Jacob hands moved to my hips as though he were going to stop me but I whispered "it's okay" against his lips and he relented, returning one hand to my side and the other to my hair.

I rolled my hips experimentally against Jacob's, my desire increasing but finding a small amount of relief at the same time. One of Jacob's hands found its way to my breast and massaged me gently, making me arch into him and roll my hips again. Jacob moaned into my mouth and I felt him . . . stir beneath me.

Jake ran his thumb across me then, teasing me through the shirt and that combined with his hips beneath mine brought my desire to a whole new level. I kissed him harder and ran my nails down his chest, catching his nipples intentionally. I pressed my hips into his at the same time, squeezing my thighs tightly together to hold him against me. I wanted to take him higher too.

He hardened against me even more, until I could feel him almost . . . rising, pressing into me.

Jacob tore his lips from mine breathlessly and his hands left my hair and breast simultaneously, sliding down to hold my hips. I think his original intention was to pull me away, but I pressed myself harder against him and his hands pulled me roughly into him instead, his hips moving up to meet mine.

"Nessie, I – can't – we have to stop," he gasped, but even as he said it, he pressed forward into me again.

"Does it feel good, Jacob?" I asked, running my other hand along the slightly pink place on his neck where I had bitten him earlier.

"Yes – " he gasped, both of our hips coming together at the same time, meeting in the middle and eliciting a hiss from movie of us. "_Fuck_ yes, but we – it's too – "

"'S'not too fast," I mumbled into his lips, feeling a little out of control as my body kept pushing me forward, like I was climbing toward something but was unsure what. I only knew I had to get there. "I trust you, Jake. It feels too good to stop."

I wanted to make Jake feel good too. I never wanted to see his face any other way than the way it looked now, tense not with worry but pleasure, his eyes hazy, his breath coming out in gasps.

Jacob's head rolled back a little and he pushed forward again and he . . . grew against me.

"Oh," I gasped softly, surprised but unable to restrain my body from pushing even harder into him. His body's response was to grow even more, become even harder, press more firmly against me.

"What?" He asked breathlessly, pulling back to check my face.

"Nothing," I returned quickly, equally as breathless, shaking my head and leaning back in for another kiss. "It's just . . . nice, is all."

"Nice?"

I nodded at the disbelief on his face and the movement brushed our lips together. Jacob moaned a little and kissed me. "Nice."

"I love you," he said suddenly, startling me.

"I love you too," I said back, automatically. There was never any doubt or hesitancy to the answer to that question.

"I love you so much," he continued, kissing me again, softer this time. "And I want to give you whatever you want, all the time."

"Me too, Jake," I assured him, nodding fervently. "Me too."

"And I want you, Nessie," he told me, seriously, his eyes darkening even more as he said it. "A lot. I can tell you doubt that sometimes, and you shouldn't."

"I don't," I mumbled, but it was half-hearted.

"I need to stop now," he told me, but it was like a question, seeking my approval. "Okay? For me. I can't . . . it's too much."

The last thing I was expecting was that. We were moving too fast for . . . Jake? I always scoffed a little when Jacob suggested that we were moving too fast for me but now that the situation was reversed I saw his point completely. My entire body shuddered at the thought of pushing Jacob towards something he wasn't ready for.

I guess I just never . . . considered that. I mean, he was a guy and so much older . . . and he'd been _waiting_.

"Too much . . . for you?"

"Yes," he said, opening his mouth and then closing it again. "I know that you trust me, Nessie, infinitely, and you don't know how much I appreciate that. I swear I do. But I can't abuse it."

Jacob leaned in and kissed me softly for a few nice but slightly impatient moments.

"And I've been doing that today more often than I should," he said. Then, to my confused look, "I keep getting caught up in your body and your smell and how much I love you and I just want to fall into you and never come back up."

I turned pink at his words, but my heart swelled too. I made him feel the way he made me.

"You – you let me . . . touch you today," Jacob whispered, and our proximity allowed me to feel his face warming as he blushed. "And . . . undress you, in a way. And I bit you, and then . . . after that, we got carried away and I . . . pushed you past your comfort zone – "

I started to shake my head fiercely but his next words cut me off.

"You know what I mean," he told me and I couldn't argue. The Alpha voice still made my spine shiver. "And now . . . this. It's amazing, Ness, but it's too much. I touch you and I never want to stop. I kiss you and I start to want more and . . . and I need to stop."

"Okay, Jacob," I said quietly, reaching up to kiss him once more. "I understand . . . and I'm sorry. I know what you mean now – I would never want you to do something you're not ready for."

"Not not ready for," Jacob corrected me, rolling us over until we were on our sides and he pulled me into his chest. "I . . . I just don't want it to be like this."

My heart thudded into my stomach.

"Wh – what do you mean by that?"

"I mean that I never pictured it like this," Jacob explained, and for some reason I still couldn't call my heart back up to where it belonged. Did I not live up to the expectations he had been carrying for the past seven years? "You deserve more than this."

My body suddenly felt very light despite the absurdity of his words.

"You deserve five star resorts and candles and roses and someone who knows what they're doing. You deserve your Mom to be there for your first date and it definitely shouldn't be while you're on the run from psycho bloodsuckers. You deserve for your first kiss to be perfect and romantic and not after you've spent the last four hours holding a grown man while he bawls his eyes out. And I . . . I just want to give you that, but I keep messing it up."

"Jacob," I told him, shaking my head a little in disbelief. "You have never once messed it up. I don't _like_ that stuff. I like Quiliute bracelets and sunflowers, not diamonds rings and roses."

He looked a little appeased, but far from completely assured.

"I don't want you to wear a tux and recite me poetry," I said, chuckling a little at the mental image, my heart lightening as the corners of his lips tugged upwards. "I want to play chase and eat pizza with you in our sweats. Preferably you'd be shirtless, but it's not a prerequisite."

He grinned full-on then and kissed me, his lips firm and insistent against mine for a few quick moments before they were gone.

"Only if you're wearing it," he said quietly, pulling me a little closer. He really did like me in his clothes, huh?

"Deal," I agreed. "Promise to never read me poetry first, though."

"Can I sing?"

I pretended to think about it for a second. "Only if you ask first. I need ample warning."

"Fine."

"So . . . are you over your extreme desire to wine and dine me now?" I asked. I needed to know.

"Not completely," he confessed. "I still think you deserve the best."

"I've got it," I said simply. "How could it get better than this?"

"So you're telling me," Jacob said, a little hesitantly, tugging me a little closer. "You never had dreams about big white weddings and knights in shining armor and all that shit?"

The mention of weddings sent a thrill through me. Wedding. Marriage. Jacob. As my husband. I forced myself to concentrate.

"The knight in shining armor thing is overrated," I returned, my mind suddenly spinning with various images of Jacob slipping a ring on my finger and pulling me into his arms. "I'd take a werewolf in jeans any day."

"You're perfect," Jacob whispered, as he was apt to do every time I did the slightest thing. He kissed me. "Did you know that?"

"There's this weird big guy that keeps telling me that, but I'm not sure if I can trust his judgment," I whispered back, with a put on air of conspiracy. "He's a little crazy."

We both cracked grins at that and I found out exactly how hard it is to kiss when your mouth is split in half.

The next day I woke up to a scratchy kiss on the cheek. I opened my eyes blearily to see Jacob peering down over me. His lower cheeks and jaw were several shades darker than the rest of his face and I automatically reached out to run my fingers over his skin and investigate this new change for myself.

His skin wasn't as smooth as usual under my fingers, a strange bumpy texture that had a grain to it, resisting against my touch when I ran my hand in the opposite direction.

"What is that?" I heard myself ask.

Jacob's hand came into my line of sight as he reached up to rub his jaw, his fingers brushing against mine and making my stomach flutter in a way that had nothing to do with curiosity.

"Shit, man," he swore, scratching his fingernails back and forth across his jaw a few times quickly and groaning. "I knew it was coming - I could feel it. There isn't a razor in the bathroom, is there?"

I immediately shook my head no. I had already checked. It was usually the first thing I did when we moved into a hotel.

"So . . . it's facial hair?" I asked, and could feel my brows knit together in confusion.

"Yeah," Jacob said, a little absently, still rubbing his jaw. "It's irritating as hell."

"I've got a razor," I said suddenly, remembering. "I've already used it once, though, for my legs. Is that okay?"

Something tugged on the corners of Jake's lips that could have been a smile but it was gone before I could look again.

"Yeah, that's fine," he said, pushing himself up and leaning back against the headboard. He looked down at me. "Can I get it?"

"Sure, sure," I told him, rolling out of the warmness of the bed and towards my bag. "Just a second."

I found it quickly, checking surreptitiously as I could that I had rinsed it out well before I crossed the room again and held it out to Jake. He took it with a word of thanks and rolled out of the bed as well to stand beside me. My eyes followed him as he made his way to the bathroom and cut on the water.

Why was he growing facial hair now when he never had before? We'd been, for all intents and purposes, living together for more than a month now and I hadn't seen a single hair. Why now? But he'd said he could feel it coming and the way he made it sound, it wasn't something that had never happened before. What was I missing?

My feet took the path my eyes already had as I followed Jacob to the bathroom. I watched quietly from the doorway as he pulled his hair back, rolling my eyes at him as he met my eyes in the mirror and smirked at the same time my stomach clenched. It was probably a mistake telling him how much I liked his hair – he was going to be doing that for the rest of forever.

My mouth went a little dry as Jacob reached back behind his neck and pulled his shirt, which he must have put on sometime during the night, straight up over his head and let it fall to the floor.

"I'll just get it wet," he said in response to my questioning look. "I always do."

"Why are you growing hair now?" I asked abruptly, feeling a little silly at how the words had come out but not that I had said them. I was struck then with a horrible thought. _The_ most horrible thought. "You're – you're not . . . aging, are you?"

Oh, God. What would I do if Jacob started to age? If he . . . got old and – and – I couldn't think about it. _What would I do_? We already knew from Nahuel that I could expect at least a hundred and fifty years of life, and humans rarely lived past a hundred. And Jacob was already nearly twenty-five.

I could feel my heart rate speeding up, could feel my breathing begin to come out is gasps. A few more seconds and I'd be hyperventilating but that hardly mattered. I knew it. I knew it wasn't possible for everything to be this perfect – even including the fact that the Volturi were chasing me and I was separated indefinitely from my family, I was too happy to be allowed.

And . . . and this wasn't the first time. Had Jacob been aging and . . . hiding it from me? I had just gotten my Jacob – would I now have to deal with the fact that I would lose him too soon? Anytime shorter than forever was entirely too soon.

There was silence for about three seconds that seemed to stretch on for years, a pause in which every single one of these thoughts and more ran through my head and Jacob just stared and the water continued to pour into the sink and the outcome of everything hung in the balance.

Then Jacob let out a single, long exhale and reached his hand out for me.

"No, Nessie, no."

I can't even explain the weight that lifted from my shoulders at his words. I can't even comprehend the relief that flooded through my system, stronger even than the night I found him smoking outside the hotel room. Thank _God_.

I took his hand and let him pull me into his chest, letting out a shaky breath and burying my face in his warm skin. "Are you . . . are you sure?"

"Of course, Ness," Jacob soothed me, and my relief intensified. He shook me gently until I looked up at him. "Hey, now. Hey. Listen: I'm fine. I'm not going anywhere, and I'm _not _aging."

"So . . ." I started, feeling out of my element and more than a little foolish. "So then why now do you have to shave when you never did before?"

Jake gave me a half sort-of smile and I made a small squeaking sound as he lifted me quickly up onto bathroom counter, just beside the sink. I felt his arm reach beside me and cut off the water. My legs automatically parted to give Jacob a place to stand and he stroked my face gently.

"The phasing affects it," he told me then, kissing my forehead softly. "I'm not sure how, but when you're phasing every day it just doesn't seem to grow. When you're not doing it as often, it starts up again, but it takes awhile and it's always erratic."

I let out a breath I wasn't aware I'd been holding, the last piece of me that had been clinging to the inevitability of the worst.

"It's only happened to me two or three times, since I've phased so regularly over the past eight years, but enough to know it's annoying." Jacob placed a finger under my chin then and guided my head up to face him. He leaned in and kissed me so softly and so gently and I was so, so glad and relieved that I felt tears well in my eyes. "Don't be scared, Nessie. Everything's going to be just fine – I'm so sorry to scare you like that."

I blinked rapidly to try and clear the moisture up before Jacob could see, but it had the opposite effect, sending a few tears sliding down my cheek.

"Nessie," Jacob said suddenly, his eyes a little alarmed and I knew he had seen. "Why are you crying? Everything's fine, I swear to you."

"I'm just happy," I told him honestly, feeling more stupid by the second as even more tears began to slide down my face. "I'm just so happy."

It was stupid, because we were at the exact same place we were a minute ago before my horrible false realization, but I was so much happier now. I never wanted to feel like that again – like there was a possibility of losing Jake. I'd dealt with it before, before Jacob was mine like this, but it was so much worse now. I didn't even want to think about the despair that would consume my life without Jacob.

Jacob's eyes did this thing I don't ever remember them doing before, where they softened, the corners of them turning down and losing their tension. His entire face softened.

I was the one who kissed him this time, threading my fingers through his constrained hair and pulling him closer. I pressed my lips into him with a soft insistency, trying to show him through the kiss every bit of my relief and happiness and joy.

"You make me so happy," I whispered when I pulled away finally, my fingers reaching into the small space between our faces to wipe away more of my stupid tears. "I don't ever want to be without you."

Jacob's hand came up to replace mine, pushing my fingers gently away and taking their place, brushing away my tears. For a second, Jake's eyes looked a little wet too, but when I looked again it was gone so it was probably just my tear-impaired vision.

"Damn it, Nessie," he told me, and my eyelids fluttered closed automatically so he could kiss them. His newly acquired facial hair tickled my face. "I love you so much it hurts."

"I'm sorry," I apologized, his tender kisses not exactly helping me stop my tears, but I somehow managed. "For being such a baby. I just – for a second I thought – and I just couldn't – "

"I know," he whispered, kissing my lips this time, silencing me. "Trust me, Ness, I know."

* * *

**Coming up:**

"Poor baby." I traced a finger along the line of his jaw and it tensed. "Anything I can do to help?"

I, of course, knew what he was going to say before it was out of his mouth.

"A kiss would help."

"Hmm," I said, letting my hand slide down his neck and to his shoulder to distract myself from pulling him to me and kissing him immediately. "Okay . . . but where is your ego exactly?"

I was, once again, struck with idiot inspiration and fool's bravery in equal parts.


	33. In Which There is Search For the Ego

**_A/N: _**Hey everybody! I've been meaning to say this the last two chapters and have forgotten, so I'm gonna say it first this time - _Hands on Me_ hit 500 reviews!!!! That's insane, and I hope you all know that. Now I actually think I'm just shy of 550. Wow. Y'all are literally the best. Thank you so much.

_Hands on Me_ didn't make it into the final round for the **_Indie Twific Awards_**, but that's all right. It was an honor just to be nominated and thanks to all who voted for me. Voting for **_The Sparkle Awards_** lasts until the 30th of this month, I believe, and **_The Razzle Dazzle Awards_** until I don't know when. I don't think it's been announced. Links below, if you please:

**_thesparkleawards(dot)yolasite(dot)com_**

and

**_razzledazzleawards(dot)webs(dot)com_**

If y'all would keep voting, that'd be awesome. About the chapter, it's just really just showing some progression and a lead-up of things to come. Some new pet names, some new territory explored; fun for Jake, Nessie, and everybody else. Make sure to let me know what you think.

**_Disclaimer: _**Don't own it.

**_Dedication: _**This chapter is dedicated to **BookRead **and **AugustFirst** who guessed right, as you'll see. They got their chapter lists first since they won and now if anyone else wants, they can review or PM and ask.

* * *

In Which There is a Search for The Wounded Ego

* * *

_she don't care 'bout what's in style  
__she just likes the way he smiles_

_- alan jackson, livin' on love_

-

"I _can't_ _ever_ be without you," I told him emphatically, and he nodded back, serious.

"You won't be," Jacob promised, and he noticed this time when I flinched against the tickling sensation the hair on his face made against my skin. He reached up and rubbed his jaw again. "I guess I better go ahead and get rid of this, huh?"

I just gave him a small smile and ran my fingers along the short hair there one last time. It was actually kind of nice. Jake looked very . . . grown up. It made kissing hard though, and I couldn't have that.

"Are you okay now?" He asked before he pulled away, staring directly into my eyes as though searching for cracks. I nodded.

"I'm fine, Jake. Really." And then, just because I felt it needed to be said, "I love you."

Jacob acknowledged my words with a smile that made the room brighter, giving me a scratchy-cheek-kiss before he pulled away and moved a foot over to stand in front of the sink.

I watched silently as he cut the water back on, retrieved the bar of soap from the shower and ran it under the tap, lathering it up. He ran the bar of soap over his jaw and neck a few times, the tendons in his neck stretching nicely as he turned his head to reach all angles.

I turned myself sideways so I could sit indian-style on the counter, facing Jake. I had to be careful, since I was still in his wolf shirt, not to flash him. He rinsed the excess soap off his hands and I saw his eyes cast around for something. I snatched the razor up before his eyes landed on it and offered it to him, which he accepted with a smile.

"Now you're gonna get to see, besides the itching, why I hate this so much," he told me, his eyes on mine in the mirror for a second before he broke my gaze to concentrate.

Jacob tilted his head back, placed the razor against the very top of his throat and slowly pulled it up. His skin returned to its original shade, the hair gone. He ran the razor under the tap a few times then repeated his previous action, dragging the razor along the space just beside the one he'd already shaved.

I mentally added shaving to my list of things Jacob did that made my stomach clench.

I got to see his main reason for hating shaving so much a few strokes later when the razor caught his skin as he dragged it over the edge of his jaw. Jacob cursed quietly and ran a soapy hand over the small wound for a second, pressing two fingers into it. When he pulled away, it was completely healed.

"Oh," I said softly. I knew Jacob super-healed, but I still hated to see him hurt. "Are you okay?"

He met my gaze in the mirror and scoffed a little. "Duh, Ness. It's not the nicks that bother me. It's that eight years after becoming an extremely dexterous werewolf, I still can't shave without cutting myself."

"Your ego doesn't heal super-werewolf-fast?" I teased, and for a second Jacob looked like he wanted to lunge for me but appeared to think better of it and continued shaving.

A few minutes and three more nicks later, Jacob's face was hair-free. He leant over the sink and rinsed his face and when he stood back up, drops of water slid down his neck and onto his chest. I felt my teeth bite into my lip as I followed a drop of water as it trailed down, down, down . . .

Jacob's hand entered my line of vision as the solitary drop of water neared his naval, swiping it easily away with an absent hand. I was rocked back into consciousness and returned my eyes sheepishly to his face. He was looking at me; he had seen.

I felt myself turn pink and waited for Jacob to say something, for teasing at the very least, but none came. After a few moments that felt much longer than they actually were, Jacob held both of his arms out to me.

"What?" I asked, a little warily.

"You wanna get down, don't you?" He returned, raising one eyebrow and a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

I could have very easily gotten down by myself – a normal human could've – or he could have just offered me a hand. But he didn't.

"Yeah, okay," I said, turning back around and let my legs dangle the way they were before. I held my arms out at him, mimicking his position.

I wrapped my arms around his neck as he approached and he wrapped his around my lower waist, his long arms reaching around to grip my hips. He lifted me up against him and my legs locked around his stomach of their own volition. Just like yesterday afternoon. A thrill ran through me as I remembered it.

Jacob leaned in until our noses brushed, our lips inches apart. Then he set me down.

Let me repeat: and then he set me down.

I guess I couldn't really get too upset over it. I mean, it wasn't like we could spend every second wrapped around one another. Hopefully, at some point our family would rejoin and we would be expected to interact with them like normal people. To sit and converse and do things both together and apart, things that did not include locking Jacob in a small room and touching and kissing him until we gave out from exhaustion.

And I could tell by the look he gave me as he set me down that he hadn't been teasing. Just hadn't been thinking it all the way through. We both knew that if he kissed me then, when we'd been like that, we wouldn't have gotten back on the road for several hours.

I followed him back into our room, my heart still thundering from our close proximity and I knew he could hear it.

"Oh, man, I feel better now," Jacob said as he reached our bags on the other side of the room. "You wanna shower first?"

"You can," I told him. "You're already half undressed."

He shot me a grin that made my knees weak. "Aren't I always?"

"So you feel better?" I cast around for something to say as he pulled clothes from his bag, a pair of jeans and his "undershirt" from the wedding.

"Oh, yeah." He rubbed his hand across his newly smooth jaw again as though by force of habit. "I don't know how guys grow beards. Besides, you wouldn't want to kiss me half as much as you do now if I kept scratching you every time."

"I'd kiss you anyway," I promised, feeling a little more courageous now. I reached a hand out. "Is it smoother now? Let me feel."

Jacob kind of half-smirked, half-blushed and walked over to where I was. I reached up and ran the back of my hand across his cheek and under his jaw. It was smoother than usual: soft, and warm, and warm and . . . soft. I lost my train of thought for a moment before I pulled myself back into reality.

"It's nice," I said quietly, for lack of anything else. Even with my half-vampire senses, I couldn't detect where the nicks had been. Which reminded me. "Your ego still hurt?"

"A little," he said, pretending to look wounded, and took a step closer. My heart rate picked up.

"Poor baby." I traced a finger along the line of his jaw and it tensed. "Anything I can do to help?"

I, of course, knew what he was going to say before it was out of his mouth.

"A kiss would help."

"Hmm," I said, letting my hand slide down his neck and to his shoulder to distract myself from pulling him to me and kissing him immediately. "Okay . . . but where is your ego exactly?"

I was, once again, struck with idiot inspiration and fool's bravery in equal parts.

I took a step further until we were nearly touching and pressed my lips to the warm skin at the very center of his chest. "Is it here?"

I was sure Jacob would laugh at my ridiculousness, or at least hold back a smirk, but he didn't. I didn't expect him to swallow tightly, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down with the movement.

"N-no."

The fact that he didn't pull me away or find my attempts at coyness amusing encouraged me and I steeled myself for about three seconds before I pressed another kiss to his right pectoral. I felt the muscle tense under my lips and I bit back a sigh.

"Here?"

"No." It came out rough, barely a whisper. Jacob's eyes were clouded over in a way I knew well.

I wrapped my free arm around Jacob's waist like he had done with me so many times and used it to pull myself flush against him. I could feel the heat from his body pulsing off of him and surrounding me, warming me in more ways than one.

I pushed myself up onto my tiptoes and kissed his arm, right above the place where it met his shoulder. His skin felt so good under my lips, so smooth and soft and warm that I couldn't believe I'd waited this long to feel it like this. I wanted to feel his stomach too, to taste it, but I don't think I had the courage to do that just yet. Or that Jacob would let me.

I forced the picture of me running my tongue along the sharp line of Jacob's hip straight out of my mind before I could unintentionally pass it to him. I'd been doing that a lot lately.

"Here?"

He didn't say anything this time, just shook his head slightly. I wouldn't have noticed the movement if I hadn't been paying attention. I stretched myself out as far as I could reach to place a final kiss on the very top of his shoulder.

"What about here, Jacob?"

He shook his head again.

"Then where is it?" I was out of places to kiss. I could reach no farther up.

"I thought you would know," he told me, his voice rough and quiet but clear. "That it's wired directly to my mouth."

"That makes sense," I whispered, not exactly sure why I was. I let the arm that was around Jacob's waist wind itself up his chest to join the other around his neck. "My mistake."

Jacob opened his mouth to say something back the exact moment I used the placement of my arms to pull myself up to his level and I caught his lips in a hot, open-mouthed kiss. He groaned against my lips and his strong hands immediately came to grip my waist, holding me against him.

Jacob's tongue teased my lips in a way that made me squirm in his arms and after a few head-spinning moments, I knew we had to stop. Jacob wanted to move on today and if this carried on much longer, today would go the exact same way as yesterday.

Not that I would complain . . . but no. It wasn't safe and I had to show Jacob I could be responsible.

I forced myself to pull away from Jacob's passionate kisses. I could tell by the way everything looked when I opened them that my eyes had taken on that hazy, lust-filled quality.

"Better now?" I tried to sound coy but it just came out breathless.

"Much better," Jacob said, leaning in to kiss my lips twice softly in a quick succession. "All healed. I swear to God, I'll slash myself open with a razor every day if this is the kind of aftercare I'll get."

"Intentionally harm a hair on your own head and I'll kill you, Jacob Black," I warned him, but kissed him again since I could. "If you want - what did you call it? – _aftercare_, all you have to do is ask."

Jacob made the _mmm_ noise against my lips and said, "You really shouldn't give me those sort of privileges. You'll find yourself with a very little amount of free time."

My stomach clenched in pleasure at the promise I heard in his words. "Promise?"

"You are seriously going to have to become more original and start coming up with your own stuff," he told me, brushing his nose against mine. "You can't keep stealing mine."

"It's called irony," I informed him.

"It's called copying."

"Whatever, Jake."

Kiss.

"You're only giving up that easy because you know I'm right."

Kiss.

"_Whatever_, Jake."

Kiss.

"And you're jealous."

Kiss.

"I'm about to bruise more than your ego, Jacob, seriously."

Kiss.

"Jea – lous."

Kiss.

"Ow."

Kiss.

"I told you."

I felt Jacob shake out the leg I kicked, jostling us both a little with the movement. He kissed me one more time, then traced his nose along my cheekbone.

"I think that if we're going to have any hope of getting out of this hotel today, I'm going to have to put you down now."

I nodded my assent, letting him lower me easily back to the ground. I felt cold away from the heat of Jacob's skin.

"Sorry for kicking you," I said, a little half-heartedly as Jacob gathered his clothes that he had dropped to the floor in his earlier, uh . . . preoccupation.

"No, you're not."

Well, how could I be sorry about anything when he smiled at me like that?

I was out of witty things to say so I settled for, "Go take a shower, Jake."

"Miss me."

"I'll miss the quiet," I told him. "When you get _back_."

He fluttered his eyelashes at me way better than I ever could, before he turned on his heel and made his way to the bathroom. He pushed the door half-to and I busied myself with picking out my clothes so my eyes wouldn't stray. I decided on my light blue blue-jeans and white t-shirt with Elmo from Sesame Street holding the earth and "Think Green" emblazoned across the top.

I fished out a fresh pair of panties and bra and set them with my clothes. I decided I wasn't going to wash my hair today, so I brushed it out and carefully took my time pulling it back to keep my thoughts from wandering to the bathroom where Jacob was wet and naked and – yeah.

I ended up taking it down and redoing it a few times, until the crown of my head was entirely smooth. I don't know how Jacob just raked his back with his fingers and it came out perfect every time. I had just finished making sure my hair was presentable when Jake emerged from the shower, completely dressed and toweling his damp hair.

I stuck my tongue out at him as I skirted around him to get into the bathroom. Jake snapped his towel out at me, but missed and I laughed just to rub it in.

I showered and dressed quickly, eager to get back out to where Jacob was. He had already packed all our stuff up, gathered the trash and even made the bed a little. I smiled at him since I knew he did it for me; we were always arguing about what state to leave the room in. I thought it was rude to leave it a mess but Jake said that was what the cleaning ladies got paid for and they had to strip the bed every time anyway.

"Gimme your dirty clothes," Jake said, holding his hand out behind him for them.

"The shirt's yours," I said, stalling. I didn't want hand Jacob just his shirt and my panties, especially used ones. And wrapping them up wasn't going to work if he was going to separate them.

"I'm gonna put it with yours, though," he told me, waggling his fingers. He shot me a smile over his shoulder that made my knees go a little weak. "You need something to sleep in until we wash clothes, and that's two days from now."

Okay, then. Good.

I made sure my panties were concealed and handed him the balled-up shirt. "Here."

"That's how you treat my stuff?" He teased, but shoved it into the top of my bag with just as little care.

"Do I need to remind you that you spilled Mountain Dew all over my pajamas?"

I reached up to take my bag from Jacob hand before he swung it up onto his shoulder, since he was always trying to insist on carrying both our bags. Speaking of Jake's shoulders, what was he trying to do, wearing that stupid tank top with nothing else over it? Kill me?

"Whatever, Ness."

"Who's copying now?"

Jacob rolled his eyes at me in lieu of an answer and handed me the black bag, taking my backpack back from me. I decided to let him be chivalrous and didn't argue.

We checked out, the middle-age woman at the counter giving us scandalous looks that held more than a little jealousy in them. She pursed her lips tightly and placed the change heavily in Jacob's hand, taking longer than was strictly necessary.

I felt the familiar flash of jealousy and leaned instinctively into Jacob's side. He let out a short, almost laugh-like exhale through his nose but stayed silent as he shoved the change into his back pocket. He shifted his weight, pushed our bags up higher on his shoulder.

"You hungry, baby?"

My entire body flushed with a warm pleasure that only held a hint of desire. Jake had never called me that before. I'd always been Nessie or Ness, Renesmee on occasion and from time to time even honey but never baby. Baby. I liked it.

I knew that when I looked up to face Jacob that my face was pink, and so it was not lost in him that I noticed this new pet name as well. Jacob's face tinged pink a little too and his smile turned shy.

"Mmhm," I said, even though I wasn't really. "A little."

Jacob looked back at the woman who was surveying us with an outraged sort of air that held too much longing for my taste.

"Is breakfast still open?"

The woman blinked twice, staring for a second as though she hadn't yet realized Jacob was talking to her.

"Oh – " She checked what could only be a clock, somewhere on the desk that I couldn't see. "I guess, what's left of it."

Jake thanked her, reaching down to take my hand in his free one and led me over to the "buffet". At least, that was how it was advertised. In reality, it was a half-empty box of donuts and a badly brewed pot of coffee. Jacob looked like he wanted to spit the first mouthful of his out, but forced himself to swallow. He grimaced.

"I could piss better coffee than that," he grumbled, pushing the cup away from him. Some sloshed out of the sides. He cracked a smile when his eyes shifted up to mine. "Sorry."

"Yes," I gasped dramatically, flying back in my seat and throwing an arm over my eyes. "Your cursing has morally offended my delicate and innocent sensibilities. I'll never be the same."

Jacob aimed a kick that landed on my chair leg. I would have said it missed, but I knew Jake would never kick me.

"You're awesome, Ness," Jacob said then, reached to snatch off a piece from the half-donut between my fingers. "I don't think I tell you that enough."

"Trust me, you do." Jacob looked at me strangely and I handed him off the rest of the donut and stood. I licked the icing off my fingers as I crossed the tiny waiting area/dining room and examined the coffee maker. "How about Awesome Ness makes you some coffee that hopefully tastes better than piss?"

"Can you?"

I restrained myself from rolling my eyes.

"Sure, it'll only cost your firstborn's eyes." I couldn't help it, I rolled them at him then. "It's just coffee, Jacob."

I squat down and opened the one cabinet door, finding what I was looking for immediately. Coffee. It smelled kind of stale, as though it had been there awhile, but what could you do? Beggars can't be choosers.

I checked myself for about a second before I dumped the contents of the coffee pot into the garbage can. It was rude and inconsiderate and a little gross, but chances were that stupid woman in there would be the one to have to clean it up and when I thought about it that way I just didn't feel so bad anymore. Jacob grinned.

I set up the coffee maker, after I had found filters of course, and sat back down next to Jacob. He had polished off almost all the donuts, save for two. They were both strawberry.

"Eat, Ness," he instructed.

"Take one," I commanded more than offered, tossing the one with the most sprinkles to him. "Grandpa Carlisle's already gonna kill me when he sees me anyway for eating so much sugar."

"Oh, shit, Ness," Jacob said, sitting up in his seat abruptly. "I hadn't even thought of that. You shouldn't be eating so much junk."

"Jacob," I said with the air of someone getting ready to launch themselves into a long speech, rolling my eyes again. "I'm fine. Grandpa Carlisle is just overprotective – "

"Yeah, and so am I," Jacob pointed out, reaching forward to take the donut from my shocked hands as I brought it to my lips. "God, I'm an idiot. They were always so careful, making sure your diet was balanced. We don't know what might happen if that changes for too long. It could affect your health!"

"Jake –"

"I'm sorry, Nessie, I really am," Jacob promised, and I couldn't even get upset at his ridiculousness when he was so earnest. "I should have been taking better care of you. I'm so sorry, Nessie."

I sat in shocked silence. What else was I supposed to do? I made a back-handed little comment and Jacob freaked out. I mean, I see his point. We should have been making an effort to eat more healthily, but still. I'd forgotten too. It wasn't a death sentence.

Jacob reached forward to take my hand, ran his thumb along the back the way he knew I liked.

"It's okay, Jake, really," I promised, squeezing his hand. "You take perfect care of me. We'll just eat more carefully. Forget the donuts – we'll pick up a bagel or something. Don't freak out."

"Don't worry, Ness," Jacob said, and I saw the look in his eyes that I knew would mean something very interesting or very irritating was ahead. "I got this."

And that's how we ended up at the farmer's market.

* * *

**Coming up:**

Jacob let out a strangled sound and the car sped up even more.

"Ness – "

"Do you want me to stop, Jacob?"

My heart thundered as I waited for his answer. I didn't want to stop.

"No."

Excellent.


	34. In Which There are Bananas

**_A/N: _**I know from your reviews that a lot of you were expecting the farmer's market scene - and I'm sorry! I just didn't write it, but I think you have a good chance of getting it from Jacob's POV when I write it. This chapter was very important to write, I think - Jake exorcizes some demons and they talk about some things they should have already by now. And Nessie . . . assures Jake's insecurities.

Also, I'm at my mother's house which I have been since Wednesday since I haven't spent any time with her since I got back from Libya. That being said, I don't have my computer. I uploaded some extra chapters to my account before I left but this is the last of them. So . . . if I'm not home by Thursday, which I _should be_ but if I'm not, you'll get your next chapter on Friday. Just a heads-up. I always get nervous when my favorite stories don't get updated when they say they will. I start that whole "oh no, is it going to get abandoned" freak-out and I don't wish that on anyone.

So - tell me what you think of Jake's emotional outpouring and whether or not I over-did it.

**_Disclaimer: _**Don't own it. Not even the song, even if I do occasionally leave it on repeat for hours.

**_Dedication: _**This chapter is dedicated to my father, not that he knows or cares, because he's the one who totes (yes, 'totes', I'm from GA) coolers full of ice, fruit, and bottles of water in the car during the summer. Yeah. Daddy, you taught me everything I know.

* * *

In Which There are Bananas and Wife-Beaters

* * *

_so what if i came clean  
__and told you all you mean to me?  
__so what if i meant every word i said?_

_- fefe dobson, don't let it go to your head_

-

"Okay: bananas, peaches, apples, plums, oranges, pomegranates, strawberries. Anything else?"

"No star-fruit?" I cracked, but Jacob didn't hear me, already caught up in investigating a display of grapefruit.

I tugged impatiently on his arm.

"Come on, Jacob, you've already bought more than enough. None of it's gonna last for more than a few days anyway," I reminded him, tugging him towards the exit. "Besides, don't we have to get on the road?"

"Fine," he told me, handing me a bag of fruit in a rare act of ever letting me carry anything. "You'd think you'd be more supportive, though. I'm only trying to look after _your_ health."

"By making me eat four shopping bags of fruit?"

"I'm going to help," he informed me, rolling his eyes.

We got to the car and began unloading things. Jacob, in his new fit of healthfulness, also bought a cooler and two bags of ice so the fruit would stay fresh while we traveled. I was touched by his concern, but really hoped it was just a phase and he would cool down after a few days. I know I needed balance and everything, but I liked sugar too.

Jacob settled the now-full cooler into the center of the backseat and opened my door for me, ushering me into the passengers' seat. He shut my door gently and a few moments later he appeared as he slid into the drivers' side. He held a bundle of bananas in his right hand, which he offered to me as he slammed his door.

"Or do you want something else?" He asked me, looking a little nervous for some reason and I wanted to kiss him. "You know what all we got."

"These are fine," I said, trying to be gracious and shooting him a smile. I did like bananas. "Do you want one?"

"I'm always up for food, Nessie," Jake told me with a very _duh_ air, settling the bananas gently into my lap and cranking the car. "But you eat first."

I snatched off a banana and started it before offering out to Jake. He didn't notice at first, concentrated on getting out of the crowded parking lot, but when he just looked at me warily.

"I'm gonna eat too, Jake," I promised, shaking the banana at him. "Don't worry. Just taking care of you first," I almost-paused to gather my confidence, "_Baby_."

Jacob flushed pink at my teasing, but snatched the banana from my hand and took a huge bite, nearly all of it in one mouthful.

"Sorry," he muttered, not looking at me as he turned back onto the highway. "If you don't like it. You just – I could tell you were getting pissed at that lady and I just – you know, wanted to let her know – "

"Know?"

Jacob flushed even darker than before and swallowed the last miniscule bite of banana, setting the peel in his lap.

"That I'm yours."

I felt a rushing of warm, wonderful . . . ownership at Jacob's words. Mine. Jacob was mine. And he . . . wanted people to know that. Damn it, I loved him.

"I like it," I told him, clearly, so he wouldn't be able to avoid it or doubt it. "I was just teasing. Now you know what it feels like."

I quickly peeled two bananas, holding mine in my mouth while I peeled the other to hand out to Jake. I knew Jacob wouldn't accept another if I hadn't already started eating yet. "Have another banana."

He accepted it, taking a smaller bite this time. Jacob's leg tensed weirdly when I reached into his lap to take the empty banana peel to throw into the floorboard. I realized a few seconds late the reason and my face flooded with heat.

"Sorry," I mumbled, and this time I was the one not looking at him. I took a bite of my banana to distract myself.

"Don't be," Jacob assured me, and when I glanced up at his face I was glad to see that he seemed a little more relaxed than before. "I'm the one with . . . issues."

I would have contradicted that statement, except that I knew it would get me nowhere. I decided on changing the subject. "Are we going to be driving for long today?"

"Eh," Jake said, tilting his head and shrugging his huge shoulders a little. His huge, broad, perfect russet shoulders. I wanted to stop now. "'Bout another hour or so. Why?"

"No reason," I said, a little too hurriedly, and when I snatched my eyes up to Jacob's face I saw he had caught me again. Second time today. "Just . . . wondering."

I took another bite of banana. They were nice, sweet and ripe and just firm enough that the texture didn't gross you out.

"I – " Jacob paused, took a deep breath like he was steeling himself. "I don't like driving that much anymore either. But we've got to."

"I know we do," I said understandingly, nodding.

I didn't want him to think I was complaining or tired of spending time with him. Quite the opposite – I couldn't spend the _right_ kind of time with him when we were driving. The kind that started with his lips against mine and ended on the bed, flushed and breathless, when he made us stop.

When I pulled myself out of my thoughts, I remembered something else about his statement. "Anymore?"

"Before, I liked driving, because it was the time I was . . . closest to you," Jacob explained, and my desire to kiss him intensified. "I could hold your hand and have you close and not feel bad. I could . . . justify it. But when we were in the hotel room, I couldn't. I had no reason to sit that close or touch you that much or . . . you know?"

"Yeah," I said softly, trying to think back to before Jake knew I loved him and I knew he loved me. It seemed like years ago. "I do."

"And . . . and I thought you . . . loved Seth, y'know, so I kept kicking myself. 'Cause I just want you to be happy, Ness, I swear, but I was so sure that _I _could make you happy. More than him. I just kept wanting to show you, to prove to you that I could be better. But at the same time, I could never stand in the way of what you wanted."

"Oh, Jake," I said softly, reaching for his hand and pulling it into my lap. I covered it with both of mine. "I never wanted anything besides you. Even before I realized it."

All of a sudden, everything was serious. Jacob had never told me about this, how he felt when he thought I loved Seth. Only now was I beginning to realize how much it had hurt him, how much he had . . . sacrificed. It was like me, but worse. I only had to deal with the possibility of Jacob wanting someone else in the future, but Jacob had to cope with what he thought was the reality.

Even now, when he knew he had been mistaken all along and knew it wasn't true, his face still twisted as he remembered it. It had hurt. Bad.

A knife twisted in my chest at the thought of causing Jacob pain.

I wanted to make it up to him. To prove to him, to show him how much I wanted and needed him, to push it past any doubt that still may be in his mind. I wouldn't need my gift or even my words. Just Jacob, an hour, an empty room and a promise from him to not stop me this time.

I pushed the thought from my mind and forced myself to concentrate on the present. I wanted to say something, to comfort him, but he was already talking again.

"But now – Nessie – you don't know how good it feels to not have to feel bad about wanting you," he told me, so earnestly and honestly and my heart hurt so good. I finally understood that phrase, hurt so good. "I mean, I felt like such a pervert. I wanted to touch you all the time – I kept looking for any excuse. I – that's why I couldn't sleep on the bed with you, Ness. I'm sorry, I know it hurt you and I . . . I heard you cry, sometimes. Well, I thought I did, but I pushed it to the back of my mind. I told myself I was hearing things."

Jacob's fingers twitched inside mine and he glanced away from the road, his eyes searching my face.

"I couldn't handle it – I wasn't strong enough," he confessed. "You needed your best friend but every time you wrapped your arms around me, I – I mean, I wanted to comfort you, but not how I thought you needed. I wanted to kiss you and hold you closer than I should have wanted. And your parents trusted me with you, to keep you safe but all I could think about was kissing you and touching you and telling you everything and making you finally see that I was the one who was perfect for you - not Seth. Not him."

I could still hear the left over resentment, the residual dislike he held for Seth that was not his fault. That had never even existed.

"And I kept trying to cut myself off in exactly the right way, the right amount but I couldn't. I couldn't keep myself from telling you how amazing you were and how much I loved you, and sometimes you'd do something or say something and I'd think maybe – but then I'd remember Seth and – damn it, I don't even like to think about it."

I knew I should do something, should say something, but the words stuck in my throat. I didn't know what to do. I didn't understand why Jacob was finally opening up to me now. And I definitely didn't know how to stop hating myself for putting him through that.

"I – don't even know what to say, Jake," I settled for, close to the truth as I could manage. "I'm so sorry that I did that to you. If I had just – told you, we could have . . . saved a lot of . . . pain."

"No, Nessie," Jacob said insistently, shaking his hand that was caught tightly between mine. "I should have told you. It was completely my fault, I'm just – I just want you to know how much I – "

"I love that you told me this," I confessed, before I could stop myself. He needed to know. "I know it's hard for you to . . . talk like that, and I just want _you_ to know how much I . . . appreciate that."

He nodded, a little curtly, and I didn't know what to do. My mouth did though, apparently, because it continued talking.

"When you said you loved me most, or anything like that, I'd go flying. I'd be so happy and I'd think, just like you said, maybe – and then I'd remember that you could imprint at anytime and that wouldn't be true anymore."

Jacob's squeezed the hand that was under his hard and shook his head like he was trying to clear water from his ears.

"But now the car isn't close enough, is it?" He asked, and was completely right.

"No."

"Now that I know I can . . . pull you into my lap or kiss you and touch you and I'm _allowed_, it's almost like torture to be stuck in the car for hours at a time. Close to you, but not close enough."

I swallowed. "Yeah."

"As soon as we get to the hotel, I'm always counting down the minutes until I can kiss you," Jacob blurted, and I was confused, but his next sentence clarified. "I try to wait at least an hour, but I don't always. I – I don't want you to feel like I'm always . . . on you or bugging you or anything like that."

Poor Jacob. He'd been torturing himself more than he let on.

"I keep waiting for you to kiss me as soon as we get into the hotel," I said, quietly but clearly. Another thing Jake apparently needed to know to stop kicking himself. "I keep looking for anyway to put us in a situation to make it easy for you, so I know you're not just waiting because it's awkward."

Jacob actually looked surprised. "Really?"

"Yes, Jake."

"You can kiss me too, you know," Jacob said, blushing a little. His fingers twitched in mine. "You don't have to wait for me. I'm yours just as much as you're mine."

"Okay," I said, and Jacob looked up as I began shifting in my seat. I crawled up on my knees and when Jacob turned his head to face me, I turned his head firmly back forward. "Eyes on the road, Jake."

His words had given me courage and I had decided I wasn't going another hour without touching him. He was a werewolf – he could split his concentration, right? I hope so, because his heart rate increased as I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his neck. He inhaled sharply but didn't stop me.

I took my time, since we had at least an hour left in this car and I wanted to stretch this out for as long as possible. I kissed Jacob's neck slowly, reaching my right arm around to rest on his left shoulder, draped across his chest. I had never done this before, taken my time and felt my way around Jacob's neck and jaw with my lips like he had done with me. I'd always been in a rush, a hurry to feel his lips on mine but now that I couldn't, not while he was driving at least, I finally had the opportunity.

Jacob's body tensed under mine but he didn't stop me. Didn't even say a word.

"You're right," I whispered into his neck, and kissed again. "It is nice, knowing you're allowed to touch. And kiss."

I let myself taste then, running my tongue along one of the tendons in Jacob's neck and he gasped. The car accelerated.

I took a page from his book and nuzzled his jaw, trying to replicate the _mmm_ sound he did that made my stomach clench. I ran my tongue along his jaw too, tasted the new extra-smoothness of it. The _mmm_ sound was much more realistic this time. I understood why now.

Jacob clenched his jaw under my mouth and it did wonders for the line of his face. So handsome.

I slowly made my way back, pressing small kisses to his temple and then back down, until I was at his ear. The desire struck me at the same time I remembered a scene from a movie I'd seen once, years ago, back before I knew or noticed or cared.

I steeled myself for half a second before I flicked my tongue out to taste the lobe of Jacob's ear.

Jacob let out a strangled sound and the car sped up even more.

"Ness – "

"Do you want me to stop, Jacob?"

My heart thundered as I waited for his answer. I didn't want to stop.

"No."

Excellent.

I pulled his earlobe between my teeth and bit down gently and Jacob made another choking sound. I kissed his temple once more and then began making my way back down. His skin felt so good under my lips, his shoulders so warm and strong under my hands. His shoulders.

I placed a kiss on the very top of his shoulder, flicking my tongue out to taste the skin there. It was tangier, saltier, from being exposed to the hot California sun for more than an hour at the farmer's market. I could smell the thin sheen of perspiration that had already dried on his skin, animalistic and woodsy and completely and utterly Jacob.

"Ness – " Jacob tried again, " – why - ?"

He didn't finish and he didn't need to. On the surface it seemed like an obvious enough question but I knew there was more to it. I thought for a second about how to phrase my answer. I ran my tongue inside the dip above his collarbone while I did.

"I want to push Seth out of your head," I said finally, kissing the base of his throat. "I want to put it plain and clear in your mind that you are the only one I ever wanted. To kiss, to touch, to be near or with. Ever."

"I know that, Ness," Jacob said roughly, quietly, and I wanted to see his face but not more than I wanted to continue tasting his throat.

"I know you know that," I told him, sliding the strap of that stupid wife-beater out of my way so I could get to the skin underneath it. "But you don't believe it. There's a difference."

My hand slipped, almost of its own accord, from Jake's shoulder to slide down his chest. I flexed my fingers to feel Jacob's muscles better under my hand and they flexed back. My stomach tightened.

"When I started . . . dreaming about you, I didn't know why. I think it was because I already loved you so much and so strong that all that was missing was the . . . lust, so I didn't understand when it started. I tried to imagine the things I dreamed about doing with you with other people."

Jacob's whole body tightened under me, different from before. I thought I heard the beginnings of a growl.

"But I couldn't," I hurried on, before I could upset him. "It made me sick to even think about it. Remember the day Seth came – I know you do – about a week before . . . that day in your room and he picked me up and hugged me?"

Jacob just nodded tightly.

"It felt so normal," I told him honestly. "Like hugging Uncle Em or Dad. But then . . . later, when you left to go home, you hugged me too. The same way, the exact same. Now I can guess why."

My hand slipped a little further and the very top of Jacob's stomach tightened considerably, from desire and . . . hurt both, I could tell.

"But it was so different," I whispered, reaching up to press my mouth to his ear. "My stomach tightened so hard and I . . . I had to squeeze my legs together and I wanted to pull you so much closer. And I've been spun so many times before and it never affected me but when you put me back down, I was dizzy."

"Damn it, Ness," Jacob swore, and I knew it was because he didn't know what else to say.

"I love you, Jacob."

Jacob's right hand came off the steering wheel and reached up to grasp the side of my face. He pressed my cheek firmly against his and I felt his lips kiss just beside my ear gently. I shivered.

I heard a click and felt the car began to turn.

"What are you doing?" I whispered.

"I'm finding a hotel."

My stomach came alive, twisting and thrashing with desire and anticipation and a little amusement. "What happened to needing to get some driving out of the way?"

"We had to go an hour to get to the farmer's market," Jacob reasoned. "And I don't think you've noticed exactly how fast I've been driving the past few minutes."

I kissed Jacob's ear again and was tempted to trace my tongue along the shell of it but I didn't. I felt lightheaded, almost dizzy with anticipation. Exhilarated. "My kisses make your foot heavy?"

Jacob didn't respond, but I felt him smile, his cheek shifting against mine. Driving or not, I nearly leapt into his lap when I felt his tongue, hot and moist, reach out to touch my ear. I gasped loudly and gripped him tighter.

"We're coming into town now, Ness," Jacob told me, his fingers shifting the slightest bit, caressing my face. "As much as I hate to say it, you need to sit down."

I obeyed him, releasing him and settling back into my seat. I examined his face for the first time in what felt like years but in reality was only a few minutes. He was so handsome. His dark eyes were squinted slightly as he scanned the surroundings, searching for a place to stop.

He'd better find a hotel fast.

* * *

**Okay**, here's the deal: like I said, I'm out of chapters on my FF.n account here at my Momma's house. So, here's what I'm gonna do. Anyone who reviews can ask for a chapter number between 35 which is the next chapter to 56 which is the last chapter with a name so far, and I'll PM the name to you. I felt bad about breaking routine with the **coming up**'s because I'm OCD, so yeah.

That's what I'm gonna do. If you care. Thanks so much.


	35. In Which There are Pomegranates

_**A/N:** _Okay y'all, first things first: apparently my last _**A/N**_ caused quite a mess. I thought I was really clear, but apparently I was wrong which happens alot if you can believe it. So, here it is: I am _not _abandoning _HoM. _I was just saying that today's chapter _might _be a day late, which it isn't, and that I was offering chapter titles in lieu of a coming up because I didn't do one.

I'm so sorry to everyone who thought I was quitting or that I was offering to send people chapters. I really, really didn't meant to confuse anyone. But now I'm back and everything is back on schedule so it's all good.

Now, about the chapter: I really, really love this one. It was very awesome one to write and is still on of my favorites. So, read, review and tell what you think of Jacob's favorite part. And Nessie's too, of course. ;)

_**Disclaimer:** _Not mine.

* * *

In Which There are Pomegranates and New Parts

* * *

_i want to lock you up in my closet when no one's around  
i wanna put your hand in my pocket because you're allowed  
i wanna drive you into the corner and kiss you without a sound  
i wanna stay this way forever_

_- avril lavigne, hot_

-

I was ready to jump Jacob the second we walked into the hotel room, but it didn't work like that. See, first we had to find a hotel – preferably one near a wooded area, and that took awhile. It also had to be just the right amount of rundown. Too rundown and Jacob wouldn't consider it, too normal and they wouldn't accept tenants without ID and credit card deposit. That took awhile too, as it generally did.

Then we had to check in, which always took around ten minutes no matter where we were, it seemed. Then we had to park, find our room, unload our stuff. It was too much time. It gave us too much time to cool down, for the tension to ease off. Enough time had passed that we had missed the grab-you-as-soon-as-the-door-slams-shut stage but not until we had receded back into the comfortable just-sit-together-and-see-what-happens stage either.

So I was stuck.

It was ridiculous. I wanted to kiss him and I knew he wanted to kiss me, but I just couldn't. It was just the right amount of awkward to make me unable to reach out. Even after we had talked about it, even after we had gotten so much out of the way, I couldn't do it.

Jacob, it seemed, couldn't either.

So we kind of just stood there amongst our bags and huge cooler of fruit for a few long moments. I decided a little time apart would help us recede back into the comfortable stage, so I leant down and began to rummage through my bag for Jacob's wolf shirt. He smiled a little when I straightened back up and he saw what was in my hand.

"I'm gonna change," I told him, a little obviously, and made my way to the bathroom.

I took my time, hoping the air would feel more normal the longer I waited, but soon I was out of things to do. I dragged it out, washing my face and picking at my ponytail, tucking a few shorter, stray curls behind my ear and then I could put it off no longer.

I'm not sure why I cringed when the door creaked loudly, but I did. Jacob had already stacked our bags neatly in a corner and changed into sweatpants but was still wearing that stupid tank top that I loved and hated in equal parts. He was sitting cross-legged on the bed with a pomegranate in his hand, studying it like he would learn something if he stared long enough.

"What're you doing?" I asked, almost laughing a little. Relief flooded through me as I realized most of the tension was gone.

Jacob's head snapped up and his cheeks went a little pink. "I'm trying to figure out how this thing works."

"Works?" I asked, unable to keep from grinning. I crawled on all fours to sit beside him on the bed. "You've never had a pomegranate before?"

He shook his head no.

"Are you serious, Jake?" I almost-shouted, incredulous. "You have to try it – it's the most awesome fruit ever!"

"Get it open and I will," Jake decided, his eyebrows still raised a little. He was skeptical.

"Fine, but they're really messy," I told him, setting it down on the bed between us and beginning to roll up the huge sleeves of Jacob's shirt. "Get a towel from the bathroom."

Jacob obeyed, still looking apprehensive, and was back in a few seconds with a medium-sized white towel which I spread out in front of me. Jake made himself comfortable on the bed beside me and watched apprehensively as I went to work.

The farmer's market was really nice and so were the pomegranates, large and ripe and I could tell they would be sweet. I dug my fingernails into the top to start it and the sides peeled easily away. Jacob's eyes widened a little as I pulled it in half to reveal the glittering fruit.

"Cool, huh?"

Jake nodded a little and I watched as his eyes took in the color and the dozens of tiny drop-sized pieces of fruit. "How do you eat it?"

I peeled some of the fleshy part away from the sides until a hunk fruit was protruding and broke it off into my hand. The droplets broke into individual pieces with the slightest squeeze, spreading prettily in my palm. A few of them broke, their purple juice seeping into my skin.

"Open up," I instructed, bringing my cupped palm a little closer to Jacob's mouth. He obeyed me, letting his lips fall open. I crawled up on my knees and scooted closer. I placed the edge of my palm against his lips. "Bite down to get all the juice out and then swallow. Don't worry about the tiny pits."

I tilted my hand and the small handful of sparkling pomegranate tipped easily into Jacob's mouth. I couldn't say the contrast of the purple against the white flash of his teeth wasn't nice. A little of the juice from my hand trickled onto his chin as he clenched his jaw shut. His eyes widened in surprise at what I knew was the tangy-sweetness.

"Nice?"

He lifted his eyebrows up and then let them fall in response. A yes.

"Got all the juice out?" I prompted a second later, to which he nodded. "Now swallow."

He did, and I watched as it slid down his throat with more interest than was decent. Jacob ran his tongue over his lips when he was done and I could see his teeth had a purple tint.

"Damn, that's really good, Ness," he swore, reaching for the fruit and I was glad. I could watch him eat it all day.

For a person with such large fingers, Jacob could use them surprisingly well. He caught on quick and hardly burst any of the tiny pomegranate seeds as he peeled them, gathering them together in his huge palm and then splitting them evenly with me.

I was right: it was the perfect amount of sour and sweet, and I held the fruit in my mouth for awhile after I knew I would get no more juice from it. I felt it spread through my mouth and teeth with a strange pleasure, almost felt it staining my mouth a dirty purple.

Jacob emptied the very last of the pomegranate into his palm and held his hand out in offering to me but evaded my purple-stained fingers when I reached up to take them.

"Open up, Ness," he said, too quietly, and my stomach twisted once again in anticipation.

I knew without a doubt what was coming, and now I just had to wait. If I could.

I tilted my head back and parted my lips obediently. Jacob's hand was quick to lift to my mouth, his palm pressing gently into the edge of my lip. The sweet-tangy smell of the pomegranate mixed with Jacob's scent in my nose and sent my head spinning. For a second, I wasn't sure which I wanted more.

The fruit tasted sweeter than the mouthfuls before it had, but probably because it was being fed to me by Jacob. Still, I chewed and swallowed quickly, eager to make my mouth free again.

"Want another one?" I forced myself to ask, since somebody had to say something.

Jacob shook his head slowly. "Not right now."

I waited. Jacob's hand slid itself down to my shoulder and it was a good thing we were washing clothes tomorrow because I could feel the shoulder of the wolf shirt becoming sticky from the juice on his hand. I waited. Jacob still had a line of juice running down his neck from earlier – I guess he either didn't feel it or it didn't bother him. I was tired of waiting.

I reached out and licked it.

Jacob's skin was hot and sweet under my tongue and he groaned loudly. I could feel the vibrations against my mouth and it made my stomach clench. Jacob's hand gripped my waist hard and pulled me into his lap. We were both breathing hard now.

Jacob's hand came up to clasp my neck and press our foreheads together. His breath smelled like warm forest air and pomegranates. I knew he would taste like them too. I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his, lightly but parted a little to taste him better. His lips and tongue were quick to fill the gap, kissing me back with vigor. I pulled back, breathing even harder than before.

"You taste sweet," we both said at the same time and then laughed.

Jacob made the _mmm_ sound and kissed me again, fragilely, as though I might break.

"I love every single thing about you," he announced, his voice rough but quiet, his lips still pressed against mine.

"What's your favorite part?" My curiosity forced me to ask. Jacob opened his mouth to reply, but I cut him off, my heart thundering at my boldness, "And don't say hair or eyes or anything like that. Your favorite _new_ part."

"All of it," he almost-whispered, but he turned pink. It gave him away – he had a favorite, and I had to know now.

"Don't be shy, Jake," I urged him, even though I was feeling a little shy myself. "I'll even go first if you want."

"Yeah?" He asked.

I took a steadying breath. "Do you want me to?"

His shyness made him look much younger than usual, his face becoming more boyish. I wanted to kiss him again, so I did. He nodded.

I took a few breaths to steel my nerves, kissing Jacob softly to distract myself. He kissed me back and I focused on the lingering sweetness of the pomegranates in his mouth as I let my hands slide down to the waistband of his sweatpants. I fingered the hem of his shirt as we kissed and his words from last night floated into the front of my mind.

_All you had to do was ask_. I pulled back.

"Can we take this off?" I asked quietly, tugging on the flimsy fabric of the "undershirt" to leave no doubt about what I meant.

I internally cringed at the word 'we'. It sounded like I wanted to undress him.

Did I? I mean, obviously wanted him undressed, but did I want to do it? I thought about it for a second and realized. Yes. Yes, I did.

Jacob nodded, but when his hands reached down to tug it off, mine were already there.

"Can I do it?"

I felt stupidly shy. Like I had never seen Jacob without his shirt before. Like I hadn't run my lips all over his chest this morning and licked my way across his neck not an hour ago. As if I hadn't just licked his neck just now.

Why should it be a big deal to remove a simple piece of clothing? It shouldn't have been, but it was.

"If you want to."

"I do," I assured him, feeling myself turn pink. I kissed Jake again so I wouldn't have to look him in the face.

I ran my fingertips under the hem of the shirt as we kissed, slowly pulling it up. The muscles in Jacob's stomach tensed when my fingers brushed the skin there and my stomach tightened too. This was something I hadn't gotten to do yet: explore Jacob's stomach like I really wanted.

Jacob's hands held my waist more tightly as I slid my hand slowly up, running a slightly sticky palm across his stomach but he didn't stop kissing me. I felt the ridges of each of the muscles there carefully with my fingers, trying to memorize them by touch alone.

All too soon or not soon enough, I'm not sure which, I reached Jacob's chest. Familiar territory. His shirt was pulled up above his waist now and I was going to need his cooperation from this point. Not really wanting to, but knowing it was necessary, I pulled away from Jacob's lips.

"Can you lift your arms?"

He did, allowing me to slide the shirt up over his head and impossibly long arms. I had to sit up on my knees to do it. Desire twisted in me as I did. I guess it was like yesterday with my bra; undressing was just very . . . intimate.

Jacob's hands pulled me back to his lips, an arm reached around my waist to pull me closer but I resisted. I broke away from his lips again.

"Okay," I said, pressing a palm to the center of Jacob's chest and using in to push myself back. He looked at me questioningly; he had already forgotten my earlier question. I ran my hands across his wide, hot shoulders and down to his biceps. "I love your arms."

The muscles flexed under my hands and Jacob half-smiled, a little cocky. His eyes were dark. "Yeah?"

"Mmhm," I told him, still running my hands over his arms lightly. I loved how strong and firm he was under me, constant. "But they're not my favorite."

Jacob just knitted his eyebrows together once quickly, a question. I slid further back, until I was sitting on his thighs. I ran my hands back up over his shoulders and down to his chest and to his stomach. I watched this time as the muscles tensed. It was . . . nice.

"Your stomach," I said quietly, almost a mumble, "is my absolute favorite."

Jacob's sharp intake of breath made me look up. "Why?"

I half-shrugged.

"I don't know – it's just nice. Not that all of you isn't, I just . . ." I trailed off, gathering my courage. I let my fingers drop to just above Jacob's hip, traced the line that started there and cut down. "I like this."

"What?" Jacob asked, as though he didn't understand. His face was red now.

"This," I told him, placing a little more pressure into my caresses and felt my face flood with heat too. "This line. I like it. I don't know why either, so don't ask me."

Jacob did the half-smile again and pulled me back up against him, kissing me less softly than before.

"What, are you shy now?" His voice felt nice against my lips, made stomach clench. Then when I didn't respond, "Come on, Ness."

"No," I said, though my colored face betrayed me, I'm sure. I pushed myself back again and tapped his chest. "I'm not. Your turn."

"What?"

Uh-uh. He wasn't getting out of it that easy.

"I went first. I told you my favorite part," I clarified. "Now it's your turn."

Jacob's face flushed red. Was it really that bad?

"Who's shy now?" I half-teased, wiggling a little in his lap. I meant to jostle him to get his attention, and his attention it got, but different than I meant. I blushed with him. "Come on, Jake. It's only fair. I won't laugh or be angry or anything."

"I – I don't want to," he mumbled, looking down at the space between our bodies. I swear he looked five. Was it wrong then that I still wanted to kiss him?

"Please, Jake, don't be silly," I pleaded, tilting his chin up to look at me. I wondered what was wrong with us that only one of us could be confident at the time. I was struck with a wonderful, stupid idea. "Come on, I'll even help you."

That shook him out of it. "Help me?"

"Yeah," I said, nodding a little too enthusiastically and taking both of his hands in each of mine. "Here, put your hands here – on my neck."

Jake was compliant, allowing me to place his large hands on either side of my neck. I took a breath; my heart sped up. I hoped Jake would go along with this.

"I'm going to slide your hands down," I told him, feeling a little silly. The idea sounded much better in my head. "When I get to . . . it – your favorite part, I mean – stop me."

"Nessie – " Jake started, but I cut him off.

"Please, Jake. It's what I want."

"I just – " Jacob cut himself off this time, exhaled heavily. "I don't want to upset you – or for you to . . . think of me differently – "

"I won't," I promised, shaking my head fiercely. "I swear I won't. I just want to know, Jake."

Jacob appeared to be considering this for a few long moments, then he nodded. I took this as his assent. I covered his hands with mine. "Okay?"

"Okay."

I bit my lip to hold back my smile of triumph and tried to beat back the pounding that had started in my stomach and my heart to no avail.

And then slowly, very slowly, I slid Jacob's hands down.

I heard his heartbeat speed up too as I guided his hands along my shoulders. And then down. My stomach clenched amazingly in anticipation as both of Jacob's hands came down across my breasts. I realized more than a little of me was expecting him to stop me here, but he didn't.

Just because Jacob wasn't going to stop here, didn't mean we couldn't take a little detour though so I arched my back into his hands and pressed his hands down a little harder. Jake complied, massaging my left breast gently for a few seconds as I leaned down to capture his lips.

I knew if I let him keep this up for much longer, his hands wouldn't be getting anywhere else today so I forced myself to continue to slide them down. I didn't let go of his lips though, I wasn't ready to give them up yet.

I guided Jacob's hands carefully over my stomach, slowly, then down to my thighs. I gave him time to stop me, but he never did. I wondered for a second if he wouldn't just let me do this until I realized he wasn't going to stop me, but I knew Jake wouldn't do that. He'd just tell me straight up.

My stomach tingled pleasantly when his hands came in contact with the skin of my thighs as they slid past the hem of the shirt. I slid them slowly down to my knees and then back up, but Jake's hands stayed as compliant under mine as they had been the entire time, his kisses just as consistent.

I was also kind of thinking he would stop at my hips but he didn't, allowing me to slide his hands up my sides and then backwards onto the middle of my back. As I guided Jacob's fingers the final few inches, I thought vaguely about my options: what else was there? My elbows? My feet? That's not what I meant by new; feet definitely didn't qualify and Jake knew it.

But just then Jake's hands slid down, past where he had touched before, until both his hands were resting against my backside. His lips faltered slightly under mine, and then his hands stopped.

* * *

**Coming up:**

"Come on, honey, please," Jacob persuaded and I fought against the urge to feel bad. "Can't we just - do you wanna watch TV or something?"

"I'm watching TV," I told him, my eyes still glued to the screen though I couldn't have told you what was playing. "Can't we just - do you wanna watch TV or something?"

"I'm watching TV," I told him, my eyes still glued to the screen though I couldn't have told you was playing. I lifted the remote as if it was proof. I changed the channel.

"I mean with me."

"You're with me, Jake," I returned. "I'm here, you're here, we're stuck in the room. We're both watching TV."

"I'm taking a shower," Jacob said abruptly, and I felt the bed move as he got up. I forced myself to keep my eyes on the screen. Then, just before he pulled the door to, I heard him say, "We can go out when I'm done if you want. I didn't know you saw it as being stuck with me."


	36. In Which There is Groping and Engaging

_**A/N:** _Hey, hey, hey everybody! I think people are going to like this chapter - or really hate it, but I do think their will be very opinionated responses. I love it, think its great but that's just me. A lot of ground in covered in this chapter, which I'm sure you've all been waiting for.

Voting has officially ended for **The Razzle Dazzle Awards** and **The Sparkle Awards**, so I just wanted to deeply thank each and every reader who nominated/voted for me. It means so much. The Razzle Dazzles winners have already been announced and while I didn't get it, I'm still excited to have even been involved. So thank you so, so much - all of you.

_**Disclaimer:** _Would you believe me if I said I owned it? Yeah, didn't think so.

_**Dedication:** _This chapter is dedicated to everyone who voted for me in the awards and also to **GinaN.B **and **yay4shanghi** for recc'ing me in their A/N's. They're both _amazing _authors, so go check out their work if you haven't already.

* * *

In Which There is Both Groping and Engaging. Oh, and Waiting.

* * *

_love just is, whatever it may be  
love just is, for you and me  
nothing less and nothing more  
i don't know what i love you for_

_- hilary duff, love just is_

-

I pulled back from Jacob's mouth a little breathlessly.

I took a second to wrap my mind around it. As always, I was never sure why, but I liked it. A lot.

"Really?"

Jake's eyes looked a little ashamed as he looked back at me.

"Y-yeah," he said quietly. "Is that . . . okay?"

"Of course it is, Jake," I said, leaning in to kiss him. I felt most of the tension drain from his body. "But I never would have guessed . . . I mean, you've never even touched me there."

"I know," he mumbled, turning even pinker. I didn't think it could possibly be this endearing for him when I blushed. "That was kind of intentional."

Several things made sense at once.

Why Jake was always red-faced after I swung into the backseat to grab something, for instance. Or why he always got so stuttery when I crawled across his lap to put something on the nightstand.

I knew Jake looked at me, thought about me like that, but never in that context. That kind of detail, focused on a particular body part. It filled me with a strange rush of power. I thought for a second about Jake, how my eyes followed him wherever he went, how my gaze was always raking over his body.

I thought about Jacob that day in the shower, the outline of his body and later when he came out with the towel wrapped tight around him. I leaned in until my lips just brushed his ear. I could feel my face heating up already and I hadn't even spoken yet.

"It's okay, Jake," I forced myself to whisper. "I like yours too."

Jacob let out a half-nervous, half-relieved exhale that was almost a laugh.

"That's good to know," he chuckled as I moved my hands from over his to his face, pulling him in for a kiss. Almost as soon as our lips came into contact, Jacob's hands slid up, until they were away from where we both knew he wanted them to be and resting just above my hips. I pulled back.

"Any particular reason why you did that?" I tried to ask as casually as I could manage. I wanted to be kissing him again, and I was a little frustrated that things kept distracting me from that.

"I just don't want you to think I'm . . . perverted or anything," he finally confessed. "I don't want – "

"Jacob, you're not _perverted_," I burst out, cutting him off. "You just – I can't believe you – "

I didn't have words, so I just reached back and grasped Jacob's hands, shoving them back down to where they were before.

"You can touch me wherever you want, Jake," I said, quieter than before and Jacob groaned a little. I blushed when I realized how it sounded. Well, there was no going back now. "I mean it. Anywhere. I don't want you to feel bad about it."

Jacob was looking at me with that face that I knew meant he was about to cut off what I was saying, stop listening. His hands stayed passive against me, resting, just barely touching. I pressed my fingers into the spaces between his and pushed, urging him to grip on. He complied for a second and a wave of desire rushed through me. I rolled my hips.

Jacob's eyes widened. He gripped a little harder with his left hand and caressed me with a warm thumb that I could feel through my panties and shirt.

"Does that . . . feel _good_?"

"Yes," I said, a little breathlessly. I looked him straight in the eye so he couldn't doubt me. "Everything you do to me feels good. You're not the only one that never wants to stop when you touch me."

Jake nodded a few times, like he was trying to convince himself, and then he leaned in and kissed me. It was soft and hesitant, but he kept his hands where they were, his fingers moving up and down slightly. The ache between my legs intensified and I pulled myself against Jacob harder, until our pelvises were pressed firmly together.

As I moved with the kiss, my breasts brushed Jacob's chest and even through the shirt, it sent a shock through me. Not fully aware of making the decision to do so, my hips rolled slightly, a small but insistent movement that rubbed me against Jacob in exactly the right way. Jacob and I groaned at the same time and I felt him begin to stir against me – my stomach tensed in glorious anticipation.

"Are you oka – "

"I'm fine," I cut him off hurriedly, pressing my lips and my pelvis back against him. "I promise I'll stop you if I'm not."

"I know – " Jacob said, a little breathlessly as our kisses and touches gained momentum. He hardened against me a little more. "I just – I didn't know if it – bothered you or – "

"It doesn't bother me," I promised, pressing fluttery kisses along his jaw. I reached behind him and planted my hands on his back, the muscles in them wide and strong and hot beneath my fingers. I had another idea. "Here – I'll just, let me – "

But Jacob's hands against me and his body underneath me wasn't helping my eloquence in the least. I rolled my hips again and Jacob pressed his hips back into mine, using his hands to hold my body in place. Maybe it was because it was what I was planning on doing anyway and my guard was already down, but the connection between us burst open.

I didn't bother to try and close it or tone it down, but for the first time in a very long time I just funneled my emotions straight. I didn't send Jacob anything, no pictures or images, made no effort on my part. I just left it open, pressing my lips firmly against Jacob's and pressing myself against him with abandon and let him feel it all. And what I was feeling now was pure, unadulterated lust.

Jacob inhaled loudly against my mouth and his hands slid forward to my hips and stilled me. My eyes fluttered open, disappointed. I felt the threat of angry tears begin to well up in my throat – I thought showing Jake would help him understand, but it seemed to have the opposite affect. Would there ever be a day when we didn't have to stop?

"Nessie," he said breathlessly, pulling his head back to see my face better. "That's – is that – "

"How I feel," I told him, trying to swallow the lump in my throat to no avail. "All the time. Every time you touch me and I can't stand it and I don't know what to do about it."

"I – _wow_," he said, dumbstruck. He was holding himself tightly. He shook his head as though to clear out his ears.

And because, despite how frustrated and close to tears I was, I couldn't stand the thought of Jacob being upset or unwell, I asked, "Are you okay?"

"It was just – " Jacob's eyes cast down between our bodies as he searched for words. "Intense. Your feelings and mine, together. And yours are so _strong_. Stronger than before, even."

"Well, before, the last time I showed you, I wasn't in such . . . compromising positions on a daily basis."

"I'm sorry, Ness," he told me, and I shook my head a little frantically. I leaned in and kissed him quickly, trying to pull myself back close again.

"No, no, it's okay, Jake," I murmured against his lips, trying to pick up where we left off. I tried to shift my body up so Jacob's hands would slide back down but he wouldn't cooperate. "I just wanted you to know – "

"No," Jacob corrected, pulling back from my lips softly. He held my hips more firmly in place, stopping their movement entirely. The crying feeling was back. My body was weeping for relief. I didn't know how to achieve it but I knew the path to finding out was the one Jacob kept stopping in its tracks every time we took a step forward. "I'm sorry that we have to stop now. I – I know now how . . . _hard_ it is for you, but I – can't now. Your feelings just then, it's . . . it's too strong. I still feel it. We have to stop."

My body had the first reaction, crying out silently in dissatisfaction. The next was disappointment. I felt sulky, resentful. I felt childish for feeling that way, but unable to reel it in. I pulled away from Jacob and climbed off of him without waiting for his instruction.

I saw his hand reach out for me in my peripheral, but I ignored it. I threw myself onto my stomach on the bed in the opposite direction of him and grabbed the remote, flicking on the television. I felt my shirt ride up and cool air rush across my thighs but I didn't bother to pull it down.

If Jake bent at the right angle, he could probably see my panties but I didn't care. I didn't care if Jake saw and actually, considering today's revelation, I hope the sight gave him a hard time. Literally.

I was surprised by the meanness of my thoughts, but I still couldn't halt them. I was more frustrated than I had ever been in my life – I wanted to cry and there was nothing I could do about it. Jacob could fix his problem with a few quick minutes in the shower but I was stuck in the worst/best combination of heaven and hell I'd ever experienced.

"Nessie," Jake started, sounding a little frustrated himself. "I didn't mean you couldn't touch me. I just meant – "

"I know what you meant," I cut him off, not looking at him. I tried to keep my tone as polite as I could, but it was hard. "But it's too hard. I can't just – sit and hold your hand."

Jacob exhaled softly and I felt the bed shift as he moved, got closer. "C'mon, Ness. Don't get upset."

"I'm not upset," I denied, but my voice went up on the word so it came out weird. And like the lie it was.

Jacob's warm fingers touched the back of my knee and I jumped. He skated his fingers up a little and then back down, and I used every bit of self-possession I had to act like I couldn't care less. Like I didn't want to turn over and pull him on top of me and not stop until I felt better.

"Come on, honey, please," Jacob persuaded and I fought against the urge to feel bad. "Can't we just – do you wanna watch TV or something?"

"I'm watching TV," I told him, my eyes still glued to the screen though I couldn't have told you what was playing. I lifted the remote as if it was proof. I changed the channel.

"I mean with me."

"You're with me, Jake," I returned. "I'm here, you're here, we're stuck in this room. We're both watching TV."

"I'm taking a shower," Jacob said abruptly, and I felt the bed move as he got up. I forced myself to keep my eyes on the screen. Then, just before he pulled the door to, I heard him say, "We can go out when I'm done if you want. I didn't know you saw it as being stuck with me."

I immediately felt like the hugest bitch on the planet. I wanted to run after him and beg for forgiveness, but a second later the shower cut on and I knew I couldn't. Tears welled up and spilled over this time.

I had hurt Jake. Intentionally aimed with the intent to wound and hit my target. I was sick. Who did that? Who did that to someone they loved? Jacob was just looking out for . . . us, me especially. I told him I trusted him to stop when he needed to and he did. And we were . . . progressing. Much more lately.

I was just so _frustrated_ though and it wasn't fair. I couldn't even fully enjoy kissing Jacob anymore because my brain was so busy plotting the next move. My body needed more. Not wanted, needed. But did that mean sex? I wasn't sure.

And if I was, would Jake agree?

God, and his voice had sounded so hurt. I knew without a doubt that Jacob loved me more than anyone else in the world and I had basically just told him I'd rather be anywhere besides with him. 'Stuck here', was what I said. Stuck here.

I was such a fucking liar. To make it sound like there were other places I would rather be besides here. I couldn't think of one. Despite the fact we were separated from our family and our home and were on the run from psycho vampires, there was nowhere else I'd rather be.

I just wanted Jake. All the way, all the time, in a hundred thousand different ways. Why was I trying to make it sound otherwise?

I crawled back up to the head of the bed and burrowed under the covers. I kicked the sticky towel from earlier to the ground and grabbed Jake's "undershirt". I wasn't sure why, but I pressed my nose into it and inhaled deeply, taking in his scent as deep as I could. It hurt, since all the smell reminded me of was Jake and all I could think of was what I had said. More tears spilled over onto the pillow that smelled of him too.

I promised myself that I would throw myself at his feet and beg for forgiveness as soon as he emerged from the shower, but I didn't. I was so ashamed of myself I couldn't move; I couldn't even face him. I was such a coward that I pretended to be asleep.

After a few seconds, I felt the air around me warm as Jacob grew close. The darkness behind my eyelids increased and I knew he was standing over me.

"Damn it, Ness," I heard him whisper, and it took my brain a second to realize that it was probably because he had seen the tears on my cheeks and eyelashes. I wanted to reach up and swipe at them, but I knew that would give me away.

Never mind that it was ridiculous to be asleep since we'd just woke up three hours ago, the mattress shifted again as Jacob sat down. I felt a burst of cool air and then heat as he crawled under the covers beside me. Jacob settled himself just behind me, our bodies barely touching, and cautiously settled a hot arm across my stomach. I could tell he was holding most of his weight off, which must have been really uncomfortable and for whatever reason this touched me more than I could say.

I felt his lips against my shoulder then, through the shirt, pressing down. He didn't pull away, so it wasn't a kiss, just . . . presence. He was just there. There for me, like he'd always been.

I found my courage.

I shifted, slowly like I was asleep, and twisted in Jacob's arms. I realized when I felt something between my skin and Jacob's in some places that I was still holding his shirt. I forced my eyes open.

"I'm so sorry, Jacob," I whispered. I sounded so young, even to my own ears. "I'm so sorry that I said that to you."

"It's okay, Ness," Jacob absolved me. Of course he did. "I know it's hard . . . for most people, to spend all their time with one person."

"No!" I said, my voice still quiet but it was an exclamation compared with earlier. "No, Jacob, I didn't mean it. I was just so . . . frustrated, and that's no excuse, Jake, but that's what it was."

"Okay," Jacob said, but I could tell I had done some damage that would take awhile to undo. Not for forgiveness, but for Jacob to believe my words. Not know them, believe them.

"I just . . . want you so bad," I whispered, and felt my face flush. "I – I don't want to wait. I wish you wouldn't stop me."

"What are you saying, Ness?" Jake whispered back, and just like that I was confused again.

"I don't know." I settled for honesty as the best policy. "I just – I can't even – "

"What if I told you," Jacob said suddenly, his voice serious but quiet. "That _I_ wanted to wait?"

I thought about that sentence. "To . . . ?"

Jacob nodded.

"What," I asked quietly, my stomach fluttering again, but with nerves this time. "Like until this is all over, or a year, or what?"

"Until . . . and I mean, if you agreed to of course, I don't assume that you . . . I won't assume that you even want to, but . . . "

"What, Jake?" I inquired as gently as I could, rubbing my cotton-covered fingers gently against his chest.

"Until we're married," Jacob choked out finally, and my heart stopped. "I mean, if you . . . if you – I'd be the luckiest guy in the world if you'd even consider it, but – "

"Married?" I asked, a little dumbly, my head still spinning. Jacob nodded, shy. "You . . . you want to marry me?"

Jacob's face changed, the arm around me gripping me tighter. "Of course I do, Ness. Nothing in the world could make me happier. If you'll have me, that is."

"I'll have you right now, Jacob Black," I swore, pulling up a little so I could see into his eyes better. "You really want me to be your . . . wife?"

Jacob leaned down and sort-of nuzzled my face a little. "More than anything."

"I want you to be my husband," I confessed, feeling my entire body flush with the pleasure at the prospect. "Ever since Grandpa Charlie's wedding. While you were dancing with me, I was wishing the whole time that it was us getting married."

Jacob let out a groan that was different from the ones he let out earlier today and yet still similar. He kissed my hair softly.

"Can I ask why?"

"Why?"

"You want to wait," I clarified.

"Oh," Jacob said, then appeared to be thinking for a moment. "I just . . . I guess imprinting makes you a conservative or something, but . . . I don't know, Ness. I just – okay, I know imprinting is stronger than that, but . . . with you, I love the idea that you're mine."

"I do too," I whispered back and Jacob's eyes got a little darker.

"I know this sounds caveman, but I want you to belong to me – and it goes both ways, I mean, I completely and utterly belong to you, but. Yeah. And – a husband, he's the one who – who protects and takes care of his wife and . . . he's the only one who gets to see her and touch her and – you see?"

"I think I do," I said, a smile warming on my lips from his words. I thought about something. "Don't laugh, okay, but the few times I ever thought about it, it never made sense to me."

"How do you mean?"

"I mean," I slid a little further up, pillowed my head on Jacob's other arm. "I never understood what the point of . . . getting married was if you'd already been sleeping together for years by then. Like you said, the whole point is that husbands and wives have privileges that unmarried couples don't. I guess I just never thought about it with us, you know how I am."

"So do you want to?" Jacob ducked his head a little, avoided my eyes. "Wait, I mean."

Besides Jacob, at that moment I'd never wanted anything more.

"I do."

There was a silence of about five seconds, and then I couldn't wait anymore. I was literally full to burst with happiness.

"So are we . . . engaged now?"

Even if I had any doubts, which I didn't, they would have been erased from my mind at the way Jacob's face brightened then. His body tightened and I could tell he was holding himself back, but not in the usual way.

"If you want to be," he said carefully, with just the right amount of smile. Like me, he was waiting to let the joy wash over him.

"So much," I whispered, my voice apparently back to not working. "I want it so much."

In the next instant, Jacob was on top of me, kissing every inch of my face over and over. I couldn't help but laugh out loud and wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him closer until it was hard for him to pull back to deliver each new kiss.

"I – love – you – so – much," he told me between these joyful kisses. His heart was beating more erratically than mine. "I – don't – even – have – the words – to say – how much."

He finally kissed my lips once softly, pulled away quickly.

"When?" I asked once my mouth was free.

Please say soon. Please say tomorrow. Please say right now.

"As soon or as far as you want, Nessie, I swear I'm your slave," he said, kissing my neck now. I opened my mouth to reply but his only stipulation stopped me. "After this is done."

I could live with that, though. I would just have to be patient. I would just have to learn to deal with the frustration until we could be married and Jacob was my husband and we belonged to each other in every single way that it was possible to.

"I'll get you a ring," Jacob promised, another kiss landing just under my jaw. "As soon as I can. I don't want to use your parents' money – I've got a good bit, it's just all back in La Push."

"I don't need a ring," I assured him, kissing the corner of his head since it was the only thing my lips could reach. "You know me, you know how I am."

"Yeah," Jacob said, pulling back to gaze down at me and his sparkling eyes knocked the bottom of my stomach out. "I do. But I want to get you one, even if it's really simple. I dunno why, it's just – "

"A mark," I told him, nodding. I understood completely. "It's a mark that I'm yours, one that everyone sees. I want to get you one too."

"You're the only woman I'd ever wear jewelry for," Jacob told me, smiling until the room was so bright it hurt my eyes.

Woman. Every time Jake called me that my stomach jumped.

"I'd better be the only woman you'd do a lot of things for," I told him, faux-narrowing my eyes and attempting to sound threatening. Jacob's laugh rang out through the small room.

"Thousands of things," Jacob told me, leaning forward to brush our lips together. "Let me show you the first."

* * *

**Coming up:**

"All this stuff would be over with," Jacob said, after he had taken a moment to think. His warm fingers were winding themselves through my hair. "You would be safe and we would be married. And . . . I don't know, just . . . together. Maybe - later, in the future . . . "

He trailed off and I guessed at what he meant. "Do you want kids, Jacob?"

His face flushed pink. "Only if you do."

I took a second to study his face, to think about his words a few seconds ago. "That's not true."


	37. In Which Jake Doesn't Fling Dollar Bills

_**A/N: **_This is a . . . transitory chapter. It shows the changes in their relationship with the engagement and a lot of fluff which is good for everyone, I think. Things start to change in the next chapter, in more than one way but some things need to happen/be shown first.

I've had some reviews/PMs expressing the pace of the story - just so y'all know, it's going to be a long one. I promise not to drag it out for the sake of it, but it's turning out pretty long. Things are already all planned out, mostly written out and everything is in order. The Volturi aren't just an excuse to get Jake and Nessie away from home and will come in later, but Nessie won't know things she's not involved in/told about because I don't switch POVs. Jacob, of course, will be told/know a lot more.

Oh - and I got my first flame! Cool, right? I feel like it's a right of passage - like I'm a real writer now. Now, I don't mind constructive criticism - like it actually - but being condescending is just not cool. No fly, Ms. Barbie. Anyway, there's that.

_**Disclaimer:** _I do not own any Hilary Duff songs or Twilight. But you know what would be cool, though? If I did. But I don't. :(

_**Dedication:** _This chapter is going out to **ceci9293 **because seriously, y'all, this girl is going through _Hands on Me _and _Undeniable _and leaving detailed reviews for each chapter. Seriously. So to sum up, she rocks.

* * *

In Which Jake Does Not Fling Dollar Bills

* * *

_don't ever ask me for reasons i can't give to you  
don't ever ask me for reasons why i live for you  
i just do_

_- hilary duff, love just is_

-

The next few days were kind of like floating on a cloud. Even more so than when I found out Jake loved me and kissed me for the first time or any of that. Jake wanted to marry me. Marry me.

He loved me and wanted me to belong to him and wanted me to be his wife and that just solidified all of it.

We talked a lot more over the next few days, conversations that were sometimes awkward but always worth it. The physical stuff, we toned down. I did, really, more than Jacob and I was proud of myself. I stopped putting myself in situations that would help get me so frustrated. I was an engaged woman and I had to learn to be responsible – I felt extremely grown up.

I made the habit of randomly asking Jake questions, things that popped into my mind that I usually ignored but now felt it was important to ask. If we were going to be married, after all, I couldn't be shy from him.

"What's your perfect life?" I asked him one night as we watched TV. Actually watched TV. An episode of COPS, of course. "If everything could be exactly the way you wanted it to be?"

"Anything with you in it, Ness," Jacob said, which was to be expected. "Anything where you're with me and happy."

"Yeah, okay, I know that," I told him, pushing off his chest a little to look back at him. "Me too. But you have me, forever, and I'm ridiculously happy. So from now, the future, if you could have anything you wanted, exactly how you wanted, what would it be?"

"All this stuff would be over with," Jacob said, after he had taken a moment to think. His warm fingers were winding themselves through my hair. "You would be safe and we would be married. And . . . I don't know, just . . . together. Maybe – later, in the future . . . "

He trailed off and I guessed at what he meant. "Do you want kids, Jacob?"

His face flushed pink. "Only if you do."

I took a second to study his face, to think about his words a few seconds ago. "That's not true."

"I – I mean I guess I do," Jake stuttered, his face going a little darker. I knew he did. My mind swam with images of toffee-skinned, dark-eyed children and my heart swelled. "But if . . . if you didn't want . . . that, of course, I wouldn't mind. I just want you, first of all."

"I would love to do that for you, Jacob," I whispered, as I was prone to do when we talked of serious things that made me shy. Jacob's face lit up in that way I can't even begin to explain. My hand found my way to my stomach, pressed down on the place where a baby would grow. "I would love to . . . to grow your baby inside of me."

Jacob's lips swooped down to capture mine, kissing me softly but insistently. His hand found its way to my stomach too, slipping itself under my shirt and pressing his fingers gently into the space just below my naval.

"Nessie, if you ever . . . if we ever did that, it would be _our_ baby, not mine," he whispered against my lips and my stomach twisted in anticipation at the promise I heard in those words, the future. "And you would have it with me, not for me. I wouldn't want a child if it wasn't yours too."

I kissed Jacob again and his fingers brushed up across my naval and I don't know why I remembered then, but I did. The Volturi. And why they wanted me.

To see if I was fertile. Or not.

I had never really wanted a baby - really, consciously wanted one until today but now the thought that I may not be able to have one hurt me worse than I could say. My stomach twisted again, but this time with dread.

"Jacob," I said quietly, and he looked down. His eyes were soft and happy. I didn't want to mention it now, but I knew I had to. "What if I can't have a baby?"

"What do you mean?"

"The . . . " I didn't want to mention the Volturi either, because I knew Jake's reaction to them, but it was inevitable. "_They_ want to see if I'm fertile, if I can even carry a child and . . . and we don't know either. What if – what if I can't?"

Jacob's eyes softened even more, but in a sad, sympathetic kind of way. He pulled me closer and kissed the corner of my mouth so softly I wanted to cry.

"I think you can, Nessie," he whispered into my ear. "There's nothing to say you can't. And if it turns out that you . . . can't, well, I don't mind. I just want you."

I wasn't sure I believed him, but I let his words soothe me anyway and let the subject drop. I didn't want to inflict anymore pain on Jake before it was absolutely necessary.

Our schedule pretty much stayed the same: Get up, shower, eat (junk food had recently been replaced with copious amounts of fruit, of course), drive, stop, get a hotel, eat, watch TV, sometimes go out, kiss, sleep. Right now we were in the shower stage. I had gone first, as usual, and was flipping through the channels as I waited for Jacob.

Forensic Files, no. LifeTime movie, no. Mexican soap, no. Regular English soap, hell no. News, no. Half-naked women gyrating, n –

"Wait, wait, leave it!" Jacob's voice called to me through the partially open bathroom door. I cursed his super-sonic werewolf hearing. "And turn it up – I like this song!"

I loved him, so I did. The pounding beat filled the room and I had to admit, it was a little addictive. Once you got past the crude lyrics, the music kind of forced you to dance. Even now I was wriggling in my seat.

I remembered what Jake had said, the night after . . . everything, about rap being good dance music. I studied the women on the screen. Was that how Jake meant? Dance like that? Was that the kind of dancing Jake liked?

I mean, I would never even think about dancing like that in public or in front of anyone really, besides Jacob. Even in front of him, I didn't think I could. But if that was what he liked . . .

I stood and studied my body in the mirror floor-length mirror on the back of the door. I glanced back and forth a few times between the TV screen and my reflection. I tried to imitate how the women moved their hips, rolling mine and shifting my weight from foot to foot. The movement felt suspiciously like the way I pressed my hips into Jacob's when we were kissing. I blushed.

I studied the video for a few more seconds – none of them were wearing t-shirts and jeans. Not ones that looked anything like mine, anyway. I checked and made sure the shower was still firmly running and Jacob was nowhere in sight before I pulled my t-shirt up above my stomach. I gathered the excess material up in the front and tucked it into my bra, baring my stomach. I tugged my jeans down a little lower on my hips.

I felt ridiculous, but it did help me notice the line of my body better, how it moved. I circled my hips, arching my backside out like one of the dancers but stopped, embarrassed by my silliness, blushing fiercely. I didn't look like them, not even close. But it was a little fun.

I rolled my hips again, watching how my torso shifted, holding my arms up near my neck so they were out of the way. I looked away from the screen then and let the beat guide me – it was fun, dancing in a way that wasn't completely polite or socially acceptable. It was about as close to being bad as I got.

The music pounded just right and I made a snap decision to try a move I'd seen a few seconds ago and dropped down, coming up slowly, my back arched out. I had to admit, I looked a lot closer to knowing what I was doing than before.

But then, because there had to be some karmic balance in the world and I couldn't do anything with out some measure of humiliation, Jacob's face was staring at me in shock through the mirror when I came back up.

I froze.

He was standing at the half-open bathroom door, a towel wrapped around him and held on with one hand, his mouth gaping slightly. I snatched my t-shirt down to cover my stomach and I felt my face catch fire. Yes, literally burst into flames. There was no other excuse for it to be that hot.

The shower was still running. What the hell was he doing getting out of the shower and leaving it running? Who did that?

"Nessie – what – "

"I was just . . ." I cast around for something that would make this situation less humiliating for me, but found nothing. "You said – good dance music, so I just – thought I'd – sorry."

"Sorry?"

Yeah, it didn't really make sense to be saying sorry. I was just really embarrassed. I was waiting for Jacob to burst out into laughter, but he hadn't yet. It was probably consideration for my feelings that allowed him to hold it off for this long.

"Just – just let me put my clothes on really fast, all right?" Jake said, already backing back into the bathroom. "One second, Ness."

He was back in about fifteen. I heard the water cut off and he came out a second later in only his blue jeans. Maybe it's just me, but I thought the word _clothes_ implied the plural.

"Just don't laugh, okay?" I asked, my voice cracking a little. "I know I'm not any good, I just thought I'd try – "

"Nessie, that was so hot."

The words brought a flash of pleasure as they did every time he used them, but also a shock of surprise. I wasn't sure I believed him.

"What?"

Jacob took a few more steps until he was standing just in front of me. The music stopped, and a commercial came on, much louder than the music had been.

"You looked – so good," he said, turning a little pink himself, which made me feel better. "I mean, I didn't know you could - "

"I've never done it before," I confessed, taking small step forward. We were almost touching. "I just remembered what you said about it being good dance music, so I figured this must be the kind of dancing you like . . . so I thought I'd try it."

"Can I kiss you?" Jacob asked abruptly, and I was a little taken aback. He hadn't asked in weeks.

"Of course you – " The rest of my sentence was drowned out by Jacob's lips, pressing insistently and persuasively against mine.

"Don't be embarrassed, Nessie," he whispered against my lips when he pulled back. He must have been uncomfortable, having to lean down like that to kiss me. "Please don't – you're so beautiful."

"I just feel stupid," I muttered, already starting to feel better despite myself.

"Don't," Jacob returned, an arm wrapping around my lower waist and pulling me against him. "You'll have to do it again for me sometime."

A jolt that felt entirely too good went through me at the prospect.

"You want me to dance for you?"

"Or with me," Jacob muttered, kissing me lightly again. "You make it sound like I'm going to be flinging dollars bills at you. I just want a chance to see that again."

"How about after I get some practice?" I offered, since I still felt a little hesitant despite his assurance.

"Can I watch practice?" He asked, teasingly.

"Come here, you dumb dog," I muttered back, just as teasingly, and pulled him back down to me.

That day, we got on the road late.

I talked with Jake about my parents too. He assured me they knew about the whole imprinting thing right from the start and they were cool with it. He said he expected we would meet a little natural resistance from my Dad and uncles but not much beyond normal over protectiveness.

I wanted to tell my family about us, but Jake and I couldn't decide on how. We tried to think up code messages to give over the phone that only got more and more ridiculous as we went on and ended up with us collapsed in a laughing fit on the bed. I just didn't want everything to be such a shock to them when we rejoined. I mean, Jacob and I left as best friends and would be coming back as, well . . . future husband-and-wife.

God, I hoped so.

Jacob told me stories about his life before me and even got more comfortable talking about his relationship or lack thereof with my Mom. It still made him uncomfortable; he shifted guiltily in his seat and avoided my eyes when he told me about how she punched him in the mouth after the first time he kissed her.

"Poor Mom," I teased, kissing the tip of his nose playfully in an attempt to make him feel better. "She probably hurt her hand on your hard werewolf head."

"She broke it," he muttered back, still avoiding my eyes.

"It was your first kiss?" I asked, and he nodded. Again, guiltily. "Was it your best kiss?"

"No way in hell."

I couldn't help but smile at my Jacob. I loved him so much. And since I liked asking him questions, I asked, "Which was?"

I think he realized what I was playing at now, because he seemed to get a little more comfortable. He wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me a little closer.

"Hmm," he said, and I didn't know if he was actually thinking about it or just pretending to. "I think . . . the one right before . . . Billy's funeral. You remember it?"

I did. It was one of the few times I'd called him 'my Jacob' out loud. He looked so lost and sad and I didn't know what to do. I nodded.

"That was the best, I think," Jacob said, leaning down and nuzzling my neck. "You made me feel so safe."

"Me?" I asked, a little taken aback. "_I_ made _you_ feel safe?"

"Why does that surprise you?" He asked, and I shuddered at the feeling of his lips brushing my neck.

"I'm a half-vampire, Jacob, but I'm not as strong as you," I explained, threading my fingers into his hair and pulling him closer. "Or as fast. I can't protect you from anything."

"Nessie, I'm a werewolf." Another kiss landed on my neck. "I don't need physical protection."

"What do you mean then?"

"I mean, my dad had just . . . died and I was about to go and face his funeral. I didn't even get to say goodbye – I felt so guilty," Jake admitted into my neck. "And then you – you said 'don't be scared, my Jacob'. That's what you said, your exact words. And that's when I realized I had been afraid. But you made me feel better."

"What else am I good for if I can't make you feel better?"

Jacob dragged his lips slowly up my neck and over my jaw, along the side of my face until they brushed mine. My heart sped up.

"I can't think of a few things," Jacob said, and then his breath hesitated as he prepared for speech. "I have absolutely no idea how I ever loved anybody besides you."

"Fate, remember?" I prodded, my insides still tingling from his words and the look in his eyes when he said it.

"That must be it."

"Jacob?" I asked. I remembered something I'd been wanting to ask. "How long have you loved me?"

"Forever," he answered immediately. "Every second of your life, from the very first day."

"No," I said, sidling myself a little closer. I leaned back so my back was against the bed so Jacob had to lay a little on top of me to be close. "How long have you loved me . . . like this? Like you do now?"

"The love never changed," Jacob said, after a second to think. "How long have I . . . wanted you, you mean?"

"Yeah."

His answer shocked me.

"About a year and a half."

"A year?" I didn't believe it. I couldn't. "You loved me like this for a whole year?"

Jacob's wide eyes looked down at me. "More than."

"Wh – how?" I managed weakly. "How did you even – deal with it? How did you keep my dad from finding out? How – how – "

"One at a time, Ness," Jake half-chuckled. He kissed the corner of my lips. "I'm not really sure how I dealt with it, but the fact that I love you more than life probably had something to do with it. And your dad, he – he knew."

"What?"

"Not the full extent of it, of course." Jacob turned a little pink. "He probably would have stopped us hanging out a long time ago if he knew about some of the dreams – but he was really cool about it. It probably had to do with the fact that he saw you had absolutely zero interest in me like that, so he felt comforted."

I was the one who felt guilty now.

"I'm – I'm sorry, Jacob," I said quietly. "I'm sorry I made you wait so long. I – I don't know why I didn't realize – "

"Na-uh, Ness," Jake cut me off. "Don't even start with that. You were so young – I was even struggling with it myself; I felt so bad for wanting you."

"I always thought you were beautiful," I burst out. "I even told you when I was little, remember?"

"The prettiest boy in the world?" Jacob asked me, a crooked smile dragging down the left half of his mouth. He remembered. "Yeah, I remember. 'Jake, you're so pretty. Prettier than a girl. Your hair is sooooo soft.'"

He finished in a high-pitched voice, mimicking mine when I was younger. I really hoped I hadn't actually sounded like that. I blushed at my childish words. I can't believe I actually said that.

"Well, it's true," I said quietly, trying to work through my embarrassment. It was Jake – get over it. "You are the prettiest boy in the world."

"I feel pret-ty!"

I couldn't held but crack up, my laughter causing our bodies to brush together in a way that was . . . nice.

"Hey, what was our agreement about singing?" I reminded him, pretending to be stern. "You have to warn me first. I have to mentally prepare myself."

"Sorry." Jake struggled to compose his face. "I formally request permission to tune my voice into a rhythmic fashion and recite pre-written lyrics."

"Denied," I announced, winding my fingers even deeper into Jake's hair and scratching his scalp. "I've got better things for you to do with your mouth."

* * *

**Coming up:**

"Is it too much for you?" He asked as his tongue flicked just under my ear. "Or are you just worried about being frustrated when we stop?"

"The - " I paused as Jake's fingernail caught the sensitive tip of my breast and I arched hard against him. What had he asked me? "The last one."

My legs clenched hard around Jacob when he said, "We're not going to stop."

What? I - I thought -

"I thought - I thought you wanted to wait," I panted, my heartbeat becoming even more erratic than it already was. I - _I _wanted to wait.

Jacob's hand slid to the hollow between my breasts and pressed firmly against my wildly beating heart. I felt his warm breath on my ear and I shivered.

"Relax, Ness," he whispered into my ear, but I couldn't. I couldn't relax - I didn't want to do that now, not _that _and I didn't think Jake would ever make me tell him twice.


	38. In Which There is a Climax of Sorts

_**A/N:** _Okay, here's . . . something I'm really nervous about. Just to inform you, it serves a purpose. I'm really not putting it here just to put it here. But nonetheless, I'm nervous to hear what y'all think. Please don't hesitate to be brutally honest. I'll tell you, the lyrics for this chapter were hella hard to decide on. I changed it about five times before I decided on these. I think they're the best option.

And kudos to whoever figures out why Jake's acting weird before he lets us know.

_**Disclaimer:** _Only own the chapter title, which as always, I think is witty. Don't own the lyrics to any Vanessa Carlton songs, but I do owe the girl a lot because she loaned me my story title. Okay, I stole it - let's, let's just get back to Jake and Nessie, okay?

* * *

In Which There is a Climax of Sorts

* * *

_because the only one i come undone for is you  
yes, the only one i come undone for is you  
oh, the only one i come undone for is you_

_- vanessa carlton, come undone_

-

I walked into the hotel room that night feeling a little tight-wound. A lot tight-wound, actually. Today was one of the rare days we actually spent in the car, driving for about five hours. I'm not exactly sure how we haven't been everywhere in California yet, but we kept zigzagging, and it was the largest state.

Anyway, being trapped in a car with Jacob for five hours, unable to touch him and kiss him like I wanted was not how I'd rather spend my days. And on top of that, I'd let myself get carried away last night and Jacob had to stop us. I promised myself I wouldn't make him do that anymore.

And then I was so frustrated, I actually started crying again. I made it to the bathroom before Jacob saw, but still, it was ridiculous. Who cried from sexual frustration? Jacob felt so bad about it, apologizing and saying it was his fault for letting us get that far but I couldn't be upset with him. I wanted him to touch me. He wasn't shy to run his hands over my breasts and backside at all now, and his kisses had always been perfect.

And then sometimes I could feel exactly how much he wanted me, and well . . . it just made everything so much harder. No pun intended.

Jacob had been a little weird today too, holding my hand more lightly than usual and avoiding my eyes. He set our bags down and went back out for the cooler of fruit that we replenished day before yesterday without looking at me.

I kicked off my shoes and snatched my hair out of its ponytail. I massaged my scalp. It was tender – I wasn't wearing it up as much anymore since Jake liked it better down. Jake set the cooler down on the table and locked the door. He fished a box of strawberries and two bananas out, sitting the strawberries on the nightstand. He didn't sit down, but went to town on one of the bananas leaning against the wall.

I watched him a little warily.

"You wanna change?" He asked me, avoiding my eyes as he threw the empty peel down and started the other banana.

I took a second to admire how nice he looked, his back pressed flat against the wall, one leg braced behind him before I nodded. I kneeled down to fish my sleeping clothes from my bag, surreptitiously checking the angle of his body from down here. Just as nice.

I shot a look at Jake before I disappeared into the bathroom, but he was still leaning against the wall, not looking at me. I didn't know what was up with him.

I changed slowly, since it wasn't like I had anywhere to be and Jacob wasn't in a chatty mood at the moment. I gathered my jeans, bra, and t-shirt when I was done and made my way back into the room. There was something wrong with the picture and it took me a second to figure out it was because Jake hadn't changed.

He usually changed while I was, but he hadn't. He was sitting down now, his back braced against the headboard with his long legs stretched out in front of him and the remote in one hand. Jake was still in his t-shirt and jeans from this morning – he hadn't even removed his socks. He had pulled his hair back, though.

"You okay, Jake?" I asked as I crawled onto the bed to sit beside him. He offered me an arm to snuggle under but still didn't look down at me. "Are you feeling sick?"

"Nah, Ness, I'm fine," Jake assured me, still flicking mindlessly through the channels. He looked down then but for some reason he met my eyes shyly. "Are you sleepy?"

"No." Why would I be sleepy? Jake nodded like my response was interesting.

"You hungry?" He asked, setting the remote beside him and reaching onto the nightstand to grab the box of strawberries. He offered them to me.

"I guess I wouldn't mind some strawberries," I decided, intentionally brushing my fingers with his when I accepted it from him. I set them down in his lap and flipped the lid open. "Want one?"

"I'm good," he told me. "You eat."

I ate a few, but Jacob didn't so much as look down again and I soon got bored. Everything was boring when he wasn't participating. I took a bite from a huge, particularly sweet strawberry and got an idea.

"These are really sweet," I said around the fruit in my mouth, holding the strawberry up closer to Jacob's lips. "Here – try it."

Jacob actually looked a little wary. "No, Nessie, really – I'm fine."

"Just try it, Jake," I persuaded, lifting it up a little further. "Please."

Jake's lips fell open a little, his concession, and I lifted the strawberry to his lips. It was better than the day with the pomegranates; he had to open his mouth wider and when he bit down, his full lips brushed my fingers. They were _so _soft.

"See?" My voice was high.

Jake nodded, seeming strangely unaffected. His eyes were a little darker than usual, but besides that . . . what was _wrong_?

I sighed a sigh that held more than a little disappointment and ate the last bit of strawberry. I threw the green part into the box and shut it, crawling across Jacob to set it on the nightstand.

I'd been doing that more often lately, ever since Jacob expressed – appreciation for certain parts of my anatomy. It wasn't to tease him; I just wanted to show him I didn't care if he looked . . . or touched. Anyway, it had kind of become a habit and right then, enticing Jake certainly wasn't my intention, but as I tried to move back into my place, Jacob's hands caught me around my waist and guided me into his lap.

I went willingly, but a little confused. I wasn't sure what to expect.

"How are you feeling?" He asked, running his hands lightly up and down my arms, making me shiver.

"Fine," I said quietly. I reached up to touch his face. "How are _you_ feeling?"

He brightened his eyes a little and nodded instead of answering me verbally. One of his hands slid back to play with my curls. Jacob opened his mouth like he was going to say something, but then shut it again. Then he leaned in and kissed my lips once, so softly. So sweetly.

He pulled back and checked my eyes, like I was going to have a problem with it. I nodded my head an infinitesimal amount, beckoning him back. Jacob obeyed me, a hand reaching up to grip my neck softly and pull our lips back together.

The kiss quickly regained a more normal feel, Jacob's body becoming more normal under mine, more like usual. He didn't seem so hesitant anymore, one hand sliding back to grip my backside. I made a small sound into Jacob's mouth and felt him suppress a smile against my lips. Yes, normal Jake was back.

"Roll us over," I whispered against his lips in between kisses. I needed to feel his weight on me – the tightening in my stomach was back, never having really left.

Jacob obeyed me, pressing me into the mattress just the way I liked, his large body covering every inch of me. He propped himself up with his right arm and his left massaged my waist softly, slowly making its way up. I didn't know if I could wait.

Despite myself and my promises to stop myself before it got too much, I felt myself surreptitiously begin to shift my legs, spread them so Jacob was lying between them. I was trying to do it without Jacob noticing, sure that he would stop us if he did, but he didn't. When he noticed, he lifted the lower half of his body up long enough for me to part them then laid back down. He sidled down a little though, so my hips were pressed into his lower stomach. I didn't have to ask why.

Jacob's lips were becoming more and more insistent against mine, his kisses more hungry, the tension in my stomach and the dampness in my panties stronger than before. I moaned loudly into his mouth when his warm hand palmed my breast – I immediately hardened under his touch. He nipped my lip lightly.

I pressed myself into Jacob's stomach as his hand began to make its way back down, quicker than before, at the same time he moved his lips to my neck. My breath hitched when he slipped his hot fingers under the hem of my shirt and began caressing my stomach.

Why – why was he – why wasn't he stopping? Was it a test?

Jacob's fingers smoothed their way across my stomach and he pressed his body down harder into me. I pressed back, and the pressure between my legs got better and worse at the same time. Jacob bit down lightly on my neck at the same time his fingers brushed the underside of my breast.

The resulting jolt of pleasure somehow pulled me back into consciousness. If I let this go on for any longer, I would really start crying again when he stopped us.

"Jacob," I panted, my voice coming out breathy. I pushed my hips up into his stomach again. "Jacob, we – I – need to stop."

I have to admit, I was a little surprised when Jacob didn't immediately take his hands off of me. He released my neck, my back arching as his teeth scraped the skin there and his fingers didn't move any higher, but continued caressing the skin under them.

"Why?" He asked, his voice rougher than I'd ever heard it.

What did he mean, why? Wasn't it obvious?

"Because – it's too much – I'm getting too – " Really, how was I supposed to talk when his lips were doing that to my neck? " – I'm not going to want to stop – I'm going to get – upset again."

"Do you trust me, Nessie?"

There was never any doubt as to the answer of that question, but I still wondered why he asked it.

"Of – _course_ I do, Jacob."

"Okay," Jacob said, and slid his fingers up a little more.

My bare stomach was pressing against the cotton of Jake's t-shirt and his fingers brushed my nipple and I almost cried. There was the frustration – it was coming and the tears would spill over when Jacob stopped us.

"Jacob – I'm serious – "

"Is it too much for you?" He asked as his tongue flicked just under my ear. "Or are you just worried about being frustrated when we stop?"

"The – " I paused as Jake's fingernail caught the sensitive tip of my breast and I arched hard against him. What had he asked me? "The last one."

My legs clenched hard around Jacob when he said, "We're not going to stop."

What? I – I thought –

"I thought – I thought you wanted to wait," I panted, my heartbeat becoming even more erratic than it already was. I – _I_ wanted to wait.

Jacob's hand slid to the hollow between my breasts and pressed firmly against my wildly beating heart. I felt his warm breath on my ear and I shivered.

"Relax, Ness," he whispered into my ear, but I couldn't. I couldn't relax – I didn't want to do that now, not _that_ and I didn't think Jake would ever make me tell him twice. "We're waiting. That's not what I meant."

My body became ridiculously light. Of course not. Of course Jacob wouldn't go back on his word. But what were we doing then? Just driving each other crazy?

I think Jacob sensed the question on my lips because then he said, "I think I can help you."

"H-how?"

"I think I can make you feel better," he said roughly into my ear, his lips tracing along the shell of it. His hand slid over to my right breast and we both groaned. "If you trust me. I think I can make it easier."

Easier? Easier like . . . like how we talked about before? Was Jake going to do that for me? I thought he didn't know how? Jacob's tongue ran along my jaw then and I didn't care what he knew or he didn't know, I just didn't want him to stop.

"Please." That sounded suspiciously like a whine.

Jacob's lips disappeared from my neck and a second later his gorgeous face was hovering over me.

"Stop me if you need to," he whispered, and then his mouth was on mine.

He kissed me with such a slow intensity that I soon got lightheaded. His fingers playing across my breasts didn't help either. I lost track of time. Minutes, hours, days, it all turned into the same thing. I don't think it could have been that long though, because my lust was still at a manageable amount. Relatively manageable, at least.

I wanted to feel Jacob's skin against mine, for our stomachs to rub together as we kissed and I wanted to explore his chest with my hands. I wanted to feel his stomach – I wanted to trace that line, but when I reached to tug Jacob's shirt up, he stopped me.

"No, Ness," he said against my lips.

"Why?"

"Don't – don't worry about me," he said, his tongue doing things to my lips that made me make embarrassing sounds. I didn't even try to hold them back anymore. "Just feel."

"I _am_," I gasped, my body on fire. I was doing nothing if not feeling. "I am feeling. I want to feel you, Jacob."

"No, Nessie," Jacob said firmly, kissing the corners of my lips. "Trust me when I say no."

A second later I had forgotten what he said. He could have been calling me every name in the book and I wouldn't have minded because he was using his Alpha voice and it seriously affected me in ways a voice should not be able to.

I gave a whimper that was my concession and gripped my fingers in Jacob's hair as his lips began slowly making their way back down my neck. His hand slipped out from under my shirt and came back to cup my breast from over the top of it. But his kisses didn't stop there, when my neck ended, when he reached the neck of my shirt – he continued down.

I bit my lip so hard I almost drew blood when Jacob's mouth closed around the tip of my breast.

My body arched, harder and longer than before, the friction welcome but not enough and I gripped his head tighter. I let out a loud, high-pitched sound that I'm sure I would be embarrassing in any other situation but now I couldn't care less.

It was by far the best thing I had ever felt. Moisture from Jacob's mouth soon soaked through the material and I could feel every bit of his mouth on me. His lips – oh God, how could I have never thought of this before?

"Jac-ob!"

Jacob pulled away to check my face and moisture on my shirt quickly cooled, my breast hardening, if it was possible, even more than before.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes – yes – _please_ – "

I was incomprehensible. I couldn't make full sentences. I couldn't make full _thoughts_. I wanted to cry with relief when Jacob's mouth took back its previous place, sucking me gently through the shirt. Then I felt the flat of his tongue run across me, even through the extra material, and I almost did.

Jacob's hand slid slowly back up my shirt and I wondered for a second if he was going to take it off, but he just switched his attentions to my other breast. He caressed me, skin-on-skin with his hand. My breast was slightly wet from his mouth and it provided a friction that teased me even better (or worse, I wasn't sure) than before.

The pressure between my legs was at a breaking point. It was kind of getting hard to breathe. I wasn't really aware of anything around me besides Jacob. Was that normal? My body took up a small, insistent movement, creating a rhythm, pressing myself against Jacob's stomach over and over and it helped, but not much.

After a few more minutes, Jacob's hand slowly slid back out from under my shirt and made its way down. Back to his favorite place. I would have grinned at the thought if my brain was capable of processing it. Jacob did head there, but it was only a pit stop. He gripped me gently and the movement pressed me even harder against him. Jake groaned around me, the sound vibrating against my skin and making me groan with him.

Jacob's hand continued its path down, and he ran a hand up and down my thigh. After a few seconds, he slid his hand up until it was pressed flat against the front of my hip. My body bucked toward him. Did I want . . . ?

Jacob shifted, his mouth coming off of me as he pulled himself up to face me. He lifted his body off me so we weren't touching anymore and my body cried out in dissatisfaction, attempting to come up off the bed after him. Jacob's fingers twitched on my hip, running over my hip bone and my body bucked again. He leaned in until our lips brushed.

"Can I . . . can I touch you, Nessie?"

My body reacted just to the words. My stomach was spinning around my abdomen. I knew what that meant. I didn't know much, but I knew what that meant. And I was scared out of my mind, but . . . God, I wanted it so bad.

I gave the smallest of nods.

Jacob kissed me softly.

"You'll have to . . . help me," he whispered against my lips, his fingers swirling patterns on my hip that were literally driving me insane. "Tell me what feels good. Let me know if I hurt you."

Hurt me? Hurt? What was hurt? I couldn't even remember. My brain couldn't even comprehend pain right now – it was so focused on pleasure. I forced myself to nod again.

Jacob kissed me again, slower than earlier, but just as heatedly as his hand slowly slid over to the only place on my body he had never touched before. Then his fingers brushed down, just the tiniest bit, and I forgot where I was.

I gasped against Jacob's mouth and pushed myself forward into his hand. I had never felt anything so amazing in my life. I didn't know where this was leading, but I was planning on seeing it out.

Jacob's lips disappeared from mine. "Is this . . . okay?"

His fingers rubbed again, down lower this time and it was amazing but nothing like before.

"Yes, yes," I panted, gripping his hair even tighter than before. "Just – back up . . . a little, Jacob – please."

His fingers slid back up, running over the exact place I was talking about. I gasped and tried to capture Jacob's lips but he only allowed me one kiss. "Like this?"

"Just like that," I managed to get out, rolling my head back onto the pillows. Every single part of my body was on fire. "Harder."

"Harder?"

"Yes," I said, not really believing I was giving orders but not really in control of myself enough to care. It sounded more like begging than orders to me anyway. "Kiss me, Jacob."

Jacob obeyed me in both aspects, kissing me and applying more pressure, stroking me with what I could now tell were his fore- and middle fingers. My body rushed a little and my hips bucked again. I'm sure Jacob could feel it now – what was he thinking?

I kissed Jacob a little frantically, losing control of myself in a way I hadn't before. Our tongues tangled together and there were lips and teeth, though I'm not sure whose and it was just all too perfect to be happening.

I rolled my hips insistently against Jacob's hand and he kept up the amazing, wonderful, spectacular pressure with his fingers and soon I felt something begin to build inside me. I felt like I was climbing.

I didn't know where I was going, but I sure did want to get there fast as hell.

I pulled Jacob down against me harder than before, pressing our chests firmly together. The front of my t-shirt was still wet from his glorious lips and tongue and my breasts were still at full attention. My whole body was at full attention.

Jacob found a rhythm with his fingers that I followed, rolling my hips with in turn and nearly biting his lip every time he pressed forward again. My body began to spur me onward, more strongly than before, and again I was climbing.

I pulled away from Jacob's lips and watched his eyes. It was amazingly sexy to watch his face as he touched me, so concentrated and handsome. His eyes were so dark.

He circled his fingers. I climbed a little higher.

"Jake," I panted. "I – I don't know what's – "

"What?" His voice was so sexy, so strong. Everything about him was spurring me on, helping me climb higher. Is this what it felt like to do drugs? I guess that's why they say one hit is all it takes. I was seriously hooked. "What is it, honey?"

"I don't know what's – " Another particularly talented swirl of his fingers. I went a little higher. " – what's happening. I'm so – I'm – "

"Just go with it, Ness," Jake urged me, and it was all the advice I needed. I threw myself into the sensation. "Do what comes natural. Guide me."

"Faster, please," I nearly-whined.

Jacob complied, leaning down to kiss and suck at my neck as he did so. I was reminded with a jolt how his lips had felt against my breasts. As though Jacob had read my mind, his lips continued down the slope of my chest until he had pulled my left nipple firmly into his mouth.

I couldn't help but imagine how it would feel if there were no material between us. If Jake and I were married, if this were our wedding night and nothing was between us at all. If Jacob's lips could caress my bare breasts, if his hands could touch me with no barriers. If I could see and touch every inch of him.

If it was his naked body pressing down on me now.

I flew up then, instead of climbing. I felt as though I was teetering on the precipice of something, like I was standing at the very top of a building and waiting to fling myself off. But the free fall didn't hold death, it held – pleasure. Indescribable, unparalleled pleasure.

I couldn't believe Jacob was doing this, that he was the one making me feel this way. I didn't even have the words to thank him, especially not now.

"Jac-ob!"

That was about all my mouth could handle at the moment. Then Jacob's teeth scraped past my nipple as he released my breast from his mouth. His fingers pressed against me faster, harder, rougher than they had before.

"I love you so fucking much, Nessie."

I flung myself over.

* * *

**Coming up:**

"My pleasure, Ness," Jacob said roughly, kissing the corner of my mouth. His choice of words was not lost on me – it may have been his pleasure, but now I had made him just as frustrated as I had been earlier. I felt his lips then on my ear. "It was so amazing to watch. That's another thing I definitely want to see again."

I was almost too tired to blush. Almost.

"I want to do that for you," I forced myself to say, sliding a hand back between our bodies. I stroked Jacob's stomach through his t-shirt and he held himself even more stiffly above me. "Would you show me how, Jake?"


	39. In Which Nessie Cannot Be Drawn

**_A/N:_** Okay, y'all, here's this. It's a time-spacing chapter, which as I'm sure y'all know, I'm really not good at. I like to start with one "scene" in a chapter and end with it, but I can occasionally spit out a good time-spacing one. It's the aftermath of what happened in the last chapter and then how it goes to affect their relationship. You'll see Jake and Nessie settle into a kind of life, really and the Volturi-danger-getting-complacent thing is addressed here. This was written ages ago so I guess I just didn't feel the separation as much as y'all did. ;)

On another note,_ Hands on Me_ came in second for Best Romance at **The Sparkle Awards**! I hope you all know exactly how crazy that is, especially since the story it lost to (_Stop, Drop and Roll_) has almost 13,000 reviews! Thirteen thousand! It's an honor to even be nominated, but especially to come in second. And the lovely **GinaN.B. **is the winner of two - count 'em, _two_ - Sparkle Awards! So go check out her stories because now they're certified freakin' awesome.

Also, _Hands on Me_ is reaching about a thousand hits per day on update day and I think that's also insane in the best possible way. I remember when I hit two hundred for the week and I was bouncing in my chair. Not to mention _HoM_ has cleared 800 reviews - _what??? _

Yeah, so there's definitely that. Oh, and if y'all get a minute, I've got a new J/N one-shot called _Animals_, based off the Nickelback song of the same name, that you should really check out. I'm kind of loving it right now, even though it was written in about an hour.

Y'all are the best.

**_Disclaimer:_** I don't own the lyrics by Jewel or the character by SM or the bubble gum by whoever invented that or the grapefruit nor the juice we make from it. You can thank God for that one. Oh, I also do not own California either. Thank God for making that one too.

**

* * *

**

In Which Nessie Cannot Be Drawn

**

* * *

  
**

_the point of it all, is that if i should fall  
it's still your name i call_

_- jewel, good day_

-

I can't even describe what happened to me then.

My entire body seized up, my back arching high off the bed, twice as hard as before. Pleasure coursed through me in hot waves, all centered in the place where Jacob's fingers were still pressing insistently into me.

I might have said words or made noises, I don't know. My body might have caught on fire for as much attention I was paying to anything besides the pleasure rushing through me right then. Actually, my body was on fire. It was like I was riding a massive tidal wave, racing back towards shore.

How did I not know all along? How could I have not known? This was what I'd been working towards the entire time, this was what I needed.

It felt like every part of me was detached, all the parts of my brain except for the ones that processed pleasure filed neatly away. I was left with only instinct. My arm shot down between Jacob's body and mine, down to the place where he was touching me and placed my hand over his. My fingers wrapped around his almost frantically, urging him to press harder.

He set the new rhythm my fingers pushed him into quickly and I was vaguely aware of his beautiful face lingering over me and his warm voice soothing me but it was only background noise. Sensation was center stage.

I slowly began to come down. My body didn't panic, as I expected it to, at the sudden loss of pleasure. It welcomed it. I slowly floated back down into consciousness, Jacob's face the first thing that broke through the haze.

I felt boneless, more relaxed than I ever had.

And sensitive.

I whimpered against Jacob's fingers on me now. It was too much.

I pulled them away from my body, sliding his hand up my stomach until it was pressed against my still-racing heart. I was panting.

"I – "

Jacob leant down and kissed me softly. It was nice, but it didn't awaken anything in me like it usually did. Not the crazy, swirling lust in my body that threatened to take control. It was just nice. I felt satiated.

"Do you feel . . . better?"

I nodded, a little numbly.

"I – thank you, Jacob." Was that even the term for it? The right sentiment? How exactly did one express overwhelming gratitude? "I love you so much too."

I pulled his head down a little further and kissed him again. My stomach didn't clench – it was relaxing. I was so tired. Jacob moved his hands from my body and braced them on either side of my head, pulling his body off of me. I kissed him softly for a few seconds, sliding my hands down his shoulders and to his arms. He was so tense; he was holding himself so tight – why?

Then I realized: I had gotten . . . release, and he hadn't. He had pushed himself further than he usually did, knowing there would be no release for him at the end. I understood now why he didn't want me touching him – I was making it harder.

I pulled away from his lips.

"That was so amazing, Jake," I said tentatively, and he smiled a little. "I – I never – I can't even – "

"My pleasure, Ness," Jacob said roughly, kissing the corner of my mouth. His choice of words was not lost on me – it may have been his pleasure, but now I had made him just as frustrated as I had been earlier. I felt his lips then on my ear. "It was so amazing to watch. That's another thing I definitely want to see again."

I was almost too tired to blush. Almost.

"I want to do that for you," I forced myself to say, sliding a hand back between our bodies. I stroked Jacob's stomach through his t-shirt and he held himself even more stiffly above me. "Would you show me how, Jake?"

"No, Nessie," he said with Alpha-authority, dashing my hopes. I let my hand fall onto my stomach. "Not tonight."

I felt myself bite my lip. I usually didn't – my entire body must be extra-sensitive right now. I felt a little rejected.

"W-when?"

"Nessie, you already make me feel so good," Jacob whispered into my cheek, and then kissed. "And I know how to – handle my . . . frustrations."

"I want to learn how to do it for you," I said, blushing even more at my boldness. "One day. Not now, if you don't want, but one day. Will you show me?"

Jacob's eyes fluttered closed for a few seconds and in the time they were closed I must have forgotten how beautiful they were, because they shocked me when he opened them again. Gorgeous.

"Maybe one day, Ness."

Jacob kissed my lips one more time, the softness direct contrast to the tightness with which he held his body. Then he rolled off of me and onto his side. I rolled after him, sidling myself closer, the movement feeling strange in my newly extra-relaxed body. I leaned into Jacob's body softly and he hissed.

"Ness – I don't think I – "

I leaned back, even though it was against my instincts to do so, since it was clear that my proximity wasn't helping him.

"Jacob," I said quietly, reaching up to touch his face lightly with my fingertips. "Let me help you."

I saw the resolution set into his eyes and knew there would be no use asking again. "No."

"Then – well, then – " I searched my brain for a solution. I blushed when I found it. I sidled up so I could whisper in Jake's ear, since I didn't want to see his face when I said it. "Then go take a shower."

"Nessie – "

"I don't care," I whispered into his ear, my body still feeling weird and floaty. "I really don't, Jacob. I want to be close to you right now and I don't want it to be hard for you."

Jacob's strong Alpha calm cracked a little. He turned pink.

"I can't just get up and go in there and – and leave you, sitting here and _knowing_ – " He cut himself off, took a steadying breath. "I'll – I'll just go take a cold shower, calm myself down. I'll be right back."

I caught his arm as he made to get up.

"No," I told him, shaking my head. "It's not going to calm you down good enough, Jake, and you know it. I – I want you to feel how I feel."

Jacob looked at me for a long moment before his head moved an infinitesimal amount, a nod. I still wouldn't let go of his arm when he tried to pull away again. I pressed my lips back to his ear.

"What are you going to think about?"

Part of my brain couldn't believe I'd just said that, and part of it was waiting anxiously for the answer. Jacob stared at me for a few long moments until I thought he wasn't going to answer.

"You," he finally said. "Just now."

I felt pleasure at his words, but not necessarily desire. Not anywhere close to before, at least. I released his arm and my hand felt cold. My whole body felt cold without him.

He kissed me gently. "I'll be right back."

I watched as he gathered sweatpants and a white t-shirt from his bag and made his way to the bathroom. He didn't look back, and shut the door almost all the way. The water cut on a second later and I realized I was truly by myself.

Then I realized every single article of clothing I had on my body was wet in one form or another.

I rolled off the bed feeling tired and well rested at the same time and rummaged through Jacob's bag. I extracted a blue Rolling Stones shirt from it and a pair of panties from mine and pulled them on quickly. I wrapped my clothes together and stuffed them into the bottom of my bag.

I pulled back the covers and crawled in, un-muting the TV and turning it down to background noise. I flipped through the channels in search of something that would interest Jacob. I settled on a forensic show, since he liked those sometimes.

I tried not to notice as Jacob's breathing slowly got heavier in the next room, although the fact that I could hear at all meant I was concentrating and already negated the first part of my sentence. Want wriggled in my stomach, but it was toned down, muted. I guess that's what Jacob meant about it helping. It was like throwing a wet blanket over your desire.

After awhile, Jacob's breath began to slow down again and I knew I could be expecting a reappearance soon. The water cut off a few seconds later. Jake emerged, fully dressed, his wet hair clinging to his face about two minutes later. He met my eyes sheepishly and gave me a small smile, the corners of his mouth tugging down. His cheeks were pink.

I lifted the covers and patted the spot beside me, and he quickly slid in to fill it. I went with a pleased sort of surprise when Jake wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me closer. He kissed my forehead gently, then my eyelids.

"Feel better?" I asked after I'd found my voice.

"Mmm," he said, which I took as a positive response. His body was relaxed now too, holding me close against him without any urgency at all. It was nice. "You're so beautiful."

"You keep telling me that," I reminded him. "It's getting repetitive."

Jacob half-smiled – he seemed tired now too. His hand slid casually down my front and plucked at my shirt.

"Nice."

"My other clothes got . . . uncomfortable," I decided on saying. I felt a blush coming on. "They'll have to be washed."

"We only got a few more days," Jacob said, leaning down to nuzzle my neck softly. "Can you wear my shirts until then?"

"I guess I'll survive."

Jacob gave me a slow, intimate sort of smile that I think meant a lot more now than it could have meant before. I felt very, very close to him. I also felt very, very sleepy.

The last thing I really remembered before drifting off into the best sleep I ever had was Jacob muttering in the direction of the TV, "It's always the ex-husband with the cabinet full of guns. Always."

And so that was our life.

I was really surprised how . . . _that_ helped mine and Jacob's relationship. I touched and kissed Jake like I always had, but it wasn't like I _needed_ to, a compulsion. It was just because I wanted to. I think the . . . affects wore off though, because it slowly began to build up again.

We had to . . . repeat the process about a week later. Not that I minded.

There was still nothing more amazing than Jacob's hands or mouth on my body. I didn't even have the words. I couldn't wait until we were married and I could have him however, wherever, whenever I wanted. When he had no excuse to tell me not to touch him.

Alice kept calling at consistent two day intervals, so nothing new there, and after awhile the worry started to fade. I knew we shouldn't allow ourselves to get complacent, but the danger just didn't seem so real anymore – it felt detached. Threats of vampire attack just began to seem less and less feasible as I rode back and forth across sunny California with Jake at my side.

We went to malls and of course ate out since Jacob's crazy fruit phase didn't last. He always made sure our orders were relatively healthy from then on out, though. I wanted to go swimming, since we were in California, but there were issues with that.

The first was the bathing suit issue. My exposure to large groups of people was nonexistent up until a few months ago and even now was extremely limited, so I wasn't really comfortable with being on a crowded beach in little to no clothing. The only person I wanted to see me even closed to being undressed was Jacob.

And since private beaches weren't exactly easy to come by, well. I suggested going at night, when finding a secluded spot would undoubtedly be much easier, but Jake shot that idea down right away. He didn't want us anywhere secluded at night. That was one of the few moments I was reminded just how real the danger was.

One night Jake took me walking on a boardwalk, which he agreed was safe because it was crowded. We bought churros and watched street performers and artists. I didn't really want to, but Jake persuaded me to sit for a sketch.

"I can't draw her," the guy joked when I sat shyly into his chair. His eyes were kind and his hands were stained with charcoal. "She's too beautiful."

I could see the guy was joking, that this was obviously a rehearsed line that he used on all the girls who sat for him, simple flattery, and so it didn't bother me that much. It did Jacob though, and I heard the beginnings of a growl rumble in his throat before I reached out to touch his arm. His heart rate calmed.

"Why don't you try?" I had to applaud Jake – his voice was almost polite.

I had an awesome idea.

"Can you do us together?"

Ten minutes later, Jacob paid the man twenty dollars while he rolled up our sketch and secured it with a rubber band. I folded it neatly when we got home and placed it at the very bottom of my bag.

And so, really, I felt safe. I was even shocked and more than a little guilty to realize that my absence from my family became a little easier everyday. It felt good in a way, and that made me feel bad, but I was tired of missing them. It hurt, and I didn't want to. I just wanted to love Jake and count the seconds until we were all back together again.

It scared me too, though. Like one day when I stepped into the shower before the water had heated up completely and shivered for much longer than I should have. What would happen when I got back home and wanted to hug my parents? Would I be unable to? Would my family's touches send me shivering away?

Was I slowly losing part of who I was, piece by piece?

It was easy to push these thoughts away, though. Partly because some rational part of my brain knew they weren't true and partly because I was too caught up in being . . . well, sixteen and in love. Damn it, now I knew what all the movies were made and books were written about. It didn't really get much better than this, did it?

Jacob slammed his door as he got into the car beside me and shot me the sexiest grin.

No. No, it didn't.

"Want?" He asked, holding out a pink package.

Gum. I hadn't even seen him buy it and I'd been standing next to him the whole time. I guess I'd been paying too much attention to the way the line of Jacob's body looked as he walked.

Maybe we could, um . . . do _that_ again tonight. God, I hoped so.

I never said anything about it to Jacob, though. I was to shy to . . . to ask. It felt wrong, especially since he wouldn't let me reciprocate. It made me feel greedy. I always left it up to him, and he always . . . surprised me.

"Sure," I said, feeling my face turn pink. Jake was probably wondering why. I took a piece.

"Take two," he suggested, shaking the pack at me. "It's hard to blow bubbles with this kind with only one – they're small."

I did, not bothering to tell Jacob I didn't know how to blow a bubble. No way in hell I was going to do that. I mean, it was a little embarrassing. I can completely rewire a computer and recite you all the laws of Physics, but I _cannot_ blow a bubble.

And it's _cannot_, like that, too. Not _can't_. Can't just implies something too simple. I'd tried to teach myself, once, spent three hours locked in my room with a massive pack of gum and just . . . couldn't. So I decided gum was stupid – given, I'd been physically about seven, but some things just hit hard.

Jacob pursed his lips amazingly, his tongue pushing out from between his lips, coated with the gum. He blew a bubble and then popped it, not even paying any attention to the affect he was having on me. I crossed my legs and unwrapped my gum.

"Bet I can make a bigger bubble than you," Jake challenged a few minutes later when we were back on the road. He snapped his gum on his molars, flashing his white teeth to me in a way that didn't help my situation.

I settled for chewing my gum into submission a little morosely. I didn't like not being able to do something. I took a drink from my grapefruit juice, the contrast from the sweetness of the gum making my mouth water deliciously. Jake gagged at me when he saw me pouring salt into the bottle inside the convenient store and shaking it up, saying he couldn't believe I drank that shit.

"Whatever, Jake," I said, rolling my eyes at him. "That's stupid. Besides, you're driving. That can't be safe."

Jacob turned and looked at me for a long moment, his eyes wide with realization. He closed his jaw and his gum made a sharp snap.

"You can't do it, can you?"

* * *

**Coming up:**

Our kisses slowed down, became a little less frantic but our breathing only got heavier. I began to get the climbing feeling. I wondered if Jake was too.

Then the phone rang.

Neither of us had been expecting it – we hadn't gotten an out of turn phone call since the night Billy died. My heart flew up into my throat as Jacob's body tensed under me, but for a few short seconds he just seemed frozen. Would it be bad news again?

I'm not sure if it was to compensate for the few seconds it was stopped, but time suddenly sped up. My heart started doing laps around my chest and I vaguely noted Jake's was doing the same as I threw myself across the console and snatched up the black bag.


	40. In Which Bubbles are Burst

**_A/N:_** All right, so I'm really, really eager to hear what y'all think of this. I think I'm going to get a much larger response for this than the last chapter, since nothing really happened in that one. We'll just have to see. Anyway, I'm really happy with it. It shows Nessie coming into her own a tiny bit more and becoming more comfortable with Jake as they talk a few things and then, well, you'll see.

Also - and I keep forgetting to say this on here - I have a twitter. And a blog where I post some original stuff. And a fictionpress account.

Yes, I'm shamelessly promoting myself. ;) Info's all in my profile for anyone who cares. Oh, oh - _and_ there's poll on my page surveying how people found out about _Hands on Me/Undeniable_. Hit count has kinda gone through the roof lately so I was just wondering. But yeah, do that when you get a minute, if you don't mind.

**_Disclaimer:_** Nope, none of it's mine. Just the chapter title, which worked out perfectly well for the situation without me even planning it. ;)

**

* * *

**

In Which Bubbles are Burst

**

* * *

  
**

_this is how i do when i think about you. _

_- boys like girls, hero/heroine_

-

Damn it. Damn him for being so beautiful and so perceptive and knowing me better than any other damn person on the planet.

"I – I mean, it's not that I _can't_ - it's just – "

"That you can't?" He asked, raising an eyebrow at me and kind of smirking. "I swear to God I never knew you couldn't blow a bubble, Ness. It's so easy."

"Yeah, rub it in, Jake." I rolled my eyes at him again and tried not to get irritable. I didn't do well with not being good at things. "I can't blow a bubble; I can only do physics in my head and turn salt water sweet. When we get stranded on a deserted island, I'll come running to you begging for your bubble-blowing skills."

Jacob rolled his eyes and snapped his gum intentionally at me. "You will, when the island villagers hold a tree-sap blowing contest with a bamboo boat as a prize and you're stuck evaporating water and building huts out of straw."

I couldn't help but smile. Just a little. "_Deserted_ island, Jake."

"Whatever," Jake brushed me off, reached forward to tap my cheek with his huge finger. I wriggled out of the way but his long arm chased me and won. There was only so far you could get in a Porsche. "Seriously, Ness, I'll teach you."

"Yes, Master Jacob, bestow upon me your knowledge of the bubble-blowing craft," I deadpanned, but I knew Jake wouldn't take it serious. This was as close as my pride would let me come to accepting his offer.

Jacob's face became very somber.

"Well, Grasshopper," he said, looking away from me to pass a car and set the cruise control. "The first thing you must know is how to move your mouth – " He shot me a smile that broke his sensei façade. "But you're already pretty good at that."

I blushed at that, but pushed myself forward. "Whatever do you mean, Oh Wise Sensei?"

Jacob shot me another evil grin. "I mean how much you talk. S'good practice."

"Then?"

"Well, Grasshopper – I think that's actually your new nickname now – then you need to roll your gum into a ball with your tongue. Like so."

My eyes went to Jacob's mouth to see him holding a perfectly formed pink ball of bubblegum gently between his teeth. I looked for longer than I needed to observe what I needed to do.

It obviously took me longer than it had Jake, but I managed that part easy enough. My ball wasn't perfectly formed like his – I took it out of my mouth to look and Jacob laughed – but it was passable.

"Good," Jake approved. Even though I was learning a completely useless skill, it was nice to hear Jacob praise me. "Now flatten it out against your tongue and the roof of your mouth, like this."

Jacob rolled his tongue completely out of his mouth to reveal a flat pink pancake of bubblegum stuck to the flat of it. I followed his instructions, but halfheartedly by then, my mind already floating to other thoughts. Like if the gum would taste sweeter if I took it directly from Jacob's mouth. It probably would.

I let my tongue hang out once I was done to show Jake, just like he had, and the gum fell off my tongue and into my lap. Jacob laughed out loud and I smiled a little, but mostly blushed. Smooth, Nessie. Real smooth.

"Okay – you got it back in your mouth? – okay, good. Now push it flat against the back of your teeth." He pulled his lips back to show me best he could. I tried to mimic him. "All right? Then you want to open your teeth a little and then push your tongue through, like this."

Jacob demonstrated, then slipped his gum back into his mouth and began chewing it again.

"Then you blow." It only took him a few seconds to repeat all the steps he just showed me and blow a perfect, large bubble. He somehow sealed it and was able to talk around it. "Then you press your lips together to close it – I reckon you can figure out popping it on your own. Now try."

I parted my teeth a little and pushed my tongue through, but I pushed too hard and broke the gum. Jacob bit back a smile and cheekily blew a few huge bubbles while I prepared my gum again. The second time I blew too hard and broke the gum again and my frustration began to build.

"This is stupid," I complained.

"No, it's not," Jacob said, taking his eyes off me to do something with the controls of the car. "It may actually be good for you to learn something you have to practice at for once. Try again."

It didn't sound like he was giving me a choice, so I did. I managed a snapping sound that was a little encouraging, but I still broke the gum again.

"Again," Jacob prodded.

Seriously, since when was it important to have lessons in bubblegum blowing?

I took my time this time, longer than I needed really, kind of half hoping Jacob would get aggravated and leave me alone or just forget. I concentrated on the force I exerted with my tongue, the amount I parted my teeth, turned it into a Physics problem in my head.

So that was how much pressure I had to exert to blow.

I blew, slowly, making sure the gum didn't slip past my teeth and managed a small bubble. Then I got excited, blew even harder, and popped it.

"There you go!" Jacob praised like I was about four, but I was secretly pleased. "Again."

I did it with more enthusiasm this time, and sealed the bubble this time. It was tiny, but still. I blew another, a little bigger this time. I grinned.

"See?" Jake said. "You don't have to do everything perfect on the first try."

"Thank you," I mumbled, a little embarrassed but mostly happy with myself.

"My lessons ain't free, honey," Jacob said, snapping his gum at me again. His teeth flashed. I crossed my legs tighter. "What you gonna pay me?"

My stomach clenched in glorious anticipation. I _loved_ these games.

"How much you want?"

He took his time answering me, blowing a massive bubble then popping it gradually, biting and then sealing it and taking longer than was strictly necessary on purpose. Jake shook his head at me when he was done.

"Don't accept cash."

Yes, yes, yes. We'd been in this car all day and just, yes.

I raised an eyebrow. "How am I supposed to pay you then?"

Jake shrugged, acting like he had no idea. He kept his eyes on the road.

"You'll just have to get creative, I guess."

I stayed silent, taking a moment to think. He wanted creative – I could do creative. I just needed a minute.

And then it came to me. It was something I'd been playing with for awhile, but I'd kind of been shy to try it before now. But Jake had just practically given me an invitation and now I had to.

"Well, are certain things worth more than others?" I asked, cocking my head to the side to observe him. "Because I'll probably be trying to do as little as possible to get . . . paid off."

I heard Jake's heart rate accelerate and bit back a smile. "It depends."

"Oh," I said, steeling myself. I looked around us to make sure we weren't in a congested area. There were hardly any cars on the highway around us. I reached out and put my hand on Jacob's arm. "Okay, well let me ask: this, for instance - what would it be worth?"

I took another second to gather my nerve before I opened the connection between us. I showed him a picture of me in his lap, kissing down his neck. Jacob's body tensed, but he didn't say anything.

"Would it be worth less than this?"

I showed him another scene: he was lying back on a bed now and I was kissing down his chest. I stopped the image when I got to his naval, shy to continue. Jacob stayed silent, his grip on the steering tightening.

"Jake?"

"I, uh . . . I don't know," he said, glancing at me quickly and then back to the road. "Any other payment options?"

"I don't know," I said, grinning full on that he liked my game. "Let me see. How about this?"

I showed him a picture of him lying on his stomach. I was sitting across his hips and massaging his back, kissing across his shoulder as I did. I made sure I lingered on how nice his skin looked against mine so he'd notice.

Jacob shifted in his seat. The muscle in his arm that my palm was resting on tensed. My stomach did too.

"Or this?"

I showed him us lying on a bed, Jake on top of me as I slowly slid his hand up my shirt. I let him feel how it felt for me when he touched me there. The real Jake groaned.

I didn't pause this time. I was done playing. I showed him more.

I showed him us kissing as he held me against a wall, my arms pinned up above my head. His thigh pressed in between mine, holding me up.

I showed him an image of him grabbing me from behind and pressing himself up against me, my hands reaching up into his hair as he kissed my neck.

I showed him me in his lap again, in the seat he was seating in now, but this time my hands were on the button of my jeans. I unzipped them as we kissed and then Jacob slid a large hand down the back of them, gripping my backside. I lingered on how good I imagined that would feel, with only one thin layer between our skin and Jacob groaned again. Louder this time.

And then another image burst through, into the front of my mind and passed to him, one that I hadn't meant for him to see. I guess since I was funneling through my fantasies, they were all coming out.

I showed him us in a bed. He was asleep and snoring softly and I lay on my stomach with my hand resting on his back. The sheet was covering all the parts that were to be covered, but you could tell we were both naked. There was a ring on my finger.

I dropped my hand from his arm, embarrassed.

Jacob shook his head a little as he returned to full awareness, the second reel that was playing in his mind disappearing. He looked at me with wide, dark eyes and reached a hand out for me.

"Nessie," he said, taking my hand and running a thumb over it. I could tell by his inflection that there was no sentence to follow it, just my name.

"Sorry," I said, feeling my face heat up. Jake may want to marry me, but I knew enough to know guys didn't find that mushy stuff as appealing as girls did. I really hoped he didn't laugh. "I didn't mean for you to see that last one."

"That one was my favorite," he said, so honestly that I couldn't help but believe him.

"Really?" I asked anyway.

He just nodded. My heart got lighter. I managed a smile.

"Even more than the car one?"

"It came in close second," he told me, his face a little pink, and grinned. "Did you . . . did you come up with all those things just now?"

I shook my head no.

"Those are . . . are things you think about?"

Of course, the blush got worse as I nodded yes. Jacob's eyes got a little darker.

"I wish I could show you some of the things I think about."

I wanted to stop. Now.

I pressed my hand back to his arm, showing him a picture of us as we were now, but he was flicking the turn signal and sliding into an exit. When I broke the connection and looked back at Jacob's face, he looked torn.

"We really should keep going for awhile, Ness," he told me, sounding sorry to say it. "I wanted to get another hour or two in before we stopped and got a hotel."

"Not a hotel," I told him, shaking my head. I was surprised by my nerve. "We don't have to stop for the day. Just – just a place out of the way."

Jake looked at me strangely. "Are – what are you saying, Ness?"

I thought about it for a second, decided how brave I really was.

"I'm saying that the tint's dark," I told him, nodding to the windows. "Normal people probably can't even see through it, and – and I need to kiss you."

"You know you're not just going to want to kiss," Jacob reasoned, and I blushed again. "I'm not either."

"So?" I reasoned back. A thrill shot through me at my next words. "Let's stop and you can tell me some of the things you think about. Or show me."

"In the car?"

I know we both saw the exit coming up in the corner of our eyes.

"Jacob," I said, trying my best to attempt the Alpha voice. "Flip the turn signal."

There was nothing to do but wait to see if Jacob would obey me. If he did, I'd make sure he was paid in full. For his bubblegum lessons and more. And if he didn't . . . well, I was laying the seat back and taking a nap in the hopes of calming myself down.

Jacob's fingers twitched on the steering wheel, then slid down. I heard a click. The car began to turn.

I took my gum out.

"You have entirely too much power over me, Ness," Jacob said as we came into a rest stop-like area. "Entirely too much."

"Like you don't over me," I shot back, my anticipation growing even more when I saw we wouldn't have to drive around looking for a place. A rest stop was perfect. I smiled widely at him. "Just hurry the hell up and park."

He did, driving around to the back of the building where there were hardly any cars, most of which seemed to be full of sleeping people. He parked in the spot with the most free space around it and cut the engine. My heart was thundering in my chest. I crawled up onto my knees as Jacob turned to look at me, almost a little shyly.

"Is the seat all the way back?"

Jake nodded. Of course it was, he was so tall.

"Lay it down."

I was shocked with how quickly he obeyed me. I crawled into his lap and settled across his hips. I wasn't having any of that sitting back on his thighs stuff. Jacob's hands went up to my hips and he looked at me expectantly.

"Are you going to sit there," I asked him, half-playful and half-serious, running a hand up his chest. "Or are you going to kiss me?"

Jacob's eyes widened in response to my words, but in a sarcastic way. His hands slid up to my waist and he squeezed.

"Yes, _ma'am_," he said sarcastically, coming up off the back of his seat to catch my lips with his.

I made a noise of surprise into his mouth at the quickness of his response, and his eagerness. My hands came up to cup his face and I kissed him back with all the pent-up frustration I'd been carrying for the last few hours.

"You know – " He said a few seconds later between hot, fast kisses. " – I think I – like it when you – boss me around – almost as much as I – like – "

The pause carried for a second too long and I realized Jacob wasn't going to continue. I pulled away this time.

"Almost as much as you like what?"

"Don't get mad," he warned me, kissing me again and sliding the tips of his fingers under my shirt. I wasn't. I was just glad he was going to tell me with that little prodding. "I just – I just really like it when – when you – "

"Just say it, Jake," I coaxed, kissing him deeply again before I let his lips go to answer me. "I swear I won't mind."

Jacob's lips began kissing down my neck and I knew it was because he didn't want to look at me when he said what he was about to say. That was my trick.

"I just really like it when you – I guess it's a wolf thing – but when you . . . submit to me."

His lips on my neck delayed my response slightly. It took me longer than it should have to process the word. I rolled my hips into Jake's.

"Submit?"

"Mmhm," he said, his tongue flicking out against my neck and making me gasp. "I don't know if it's a guy thing or a wolf thing or an Alpha thing, but I just – I like it when you trust me enough to . . . to let me be in charge."

"You like being in charge?" I asked, only a little teasing. My body liked the idea more than my mouth could say. I felt Jake nod into my skin.

"I like that you trust me to be," he said, surprising me when his head came up to kiss my lips. "I know that's probably weird – "

"No," I said, interrupting him. I kissed him for a few more seconds before I broke away again. "I – I like it. I like how it feels when you . . . take care of me."

"Yeah?" Jake asked, and his eyes got darker.

"You're my Alpha too, you know," I said, finally saying out loud for real the thing I'd been thinking for months. "Not just the pack."

I could tell by the way Jacob held me tighter, by the way his eyes went almost black, and by how hard he kissed me just then that he really like that idea.

He didn't pull back again, so I guessed he didn't have anything to say. I didn't either – only because talking would take me away from Jacob's perfect lips. Bit by bit, Jake's hands slowly began sliding up my shirt. I arched into his hands, rubbing our pelvises together. I bit Jacob's lip gently when I felt his body begin to react to me.

"Take it off," I muttered when Jacob's warm fingers reached the edge of my bra.

"Are you sure?" He asked, pulling back to check my eyes. My lips tried to chase him. "Here, in the car?"

"Please." Oh God, I was whining again. This was moving fast.

He did it one-handed, just how I taught him, the waistband falling away a few seconds later. I tried to sit back to pull it off, but Jake wouldn't let me.

"Let me do it," he said roughly against my lips.

His fingers slipped up the sleeves of my shirt, pulling the straps from my shoulders and sliding them down. Jake's lips never left mine the whole time. I had to cooperate with him then, pulling my arms out and wrapping them around his neck once they were free.

My stomach went taut with anticipation as Jacob's hand snaked itself up my shirt and pulled the bra loose. I don't know what he did with it, but a second later his hands were on me exactly like I wanted. He massaged my left breast softly for a second, then rolled my nipple between his fingers. I gasped loudly against his mouth and Jacob pulled away.

"Sit back," he said quietly.

Why? Was – did he want to take my shirt off? Did I want him to? I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure if I was ready for Jacob to see me now, especially here in the car. Especially now. It was just so . . . now.

"Are – are you going to take it off?" I asked, a little hesitantly as I sat back like he told me. My stomach clenched in anticipation but my brain was kind of fighting against it. I felt self-conscious all of a sudden.

Jacob shocked me by pulling me roughly back up against him. I think I may have made an embarrassing noise. He kissed me, a little softer than before but still strong the way I liked.

"You don't know how much I want to, Ness," he muttered against my mouth. "But not right now. I – I want the first time I see you to be on our wedding night."

I felt . . . relief. And desire. Because, well, that was just ridiculously sexy in a way I'm sure most guys weren't.

I kissed Jacob hard for a few seconds, running my hands through his hair and yanking his ponytail out before I sat back again. His hands came up to guide me until my back was pressed against the steering wheel. Jacob slowly began to run his hand up my shirt again, the material dragging up with it to reveal my stomach.

"Now that you showed me how . . . _good_ it feels when I touch you, I just . . . kind of wanted to . . . watch your face," he told me, his voice deep and rough and oh, God I was going to have to change my clothes again after this. "I was always kind of in a hurry to get back to your mouth before."

I gave a nod that was both a concession and an attempt to beckon him forward. Jacob could watch whatever he wanted, but he needed to be _moving_. Jacob's free hand went to my hip and his left slid up the final few inches to cup my breast.

I felt a little self-conscious with Jacob's dark eyes watching me so I closed mine, just giving myself into the sensation. It was different than before, just touching without kissing, because you had nothing else to focus on. You really, really felt every detail.

I gasped and rolled my hips against Jacob's legs, arched my back slightly into the steering wheel. Thank God the car was off, or the horn would be blaring like nobody's business.

I moaned out loud and my eyes flew open when Jacob switched hands. He brushed a thumb across my nipple and it was . . . wet.

"Is that okay?" He asked quietly, his finger still rubbing circles around me, movements that seemed to be wired directly to my hips because they moved with them. I could only nod, wide-eyed.

And then I realized: Jacob had licked his finger and used it to touch me.

I moaned again.

Jacob's other hand wrapped around my waist and pulled me back up against him. As nice as where I had just been was, it was nothing to being pressed up against him.

"I miss your mouth," Jake said before our lips collided.

I spread myself out on top of him when he leaned back against the seats, sliding our hips back together. We both hissed. Jacob's excitement had . . . grown during my short absence. I rubbed myself against him deliberately, groaning slightly. It was better than his fingers.

A couple minutes later I had gotten Jake's shirt off – a feat not as easy in a Porsche as in a hotel room, let me tell you – and finally got to feel his skin under my fingers. I ran my hands all over him, kissing him almost frantically, my fingers grasping for purchase in anything that would have them.

Jacob's hands slid down and into the pockets of my jeans, pulling me closer, and I knew we were both thinking about what I'd shown him earlier. Jacob broke the kiss when he felt my hands go down to my jeans and unbutton them. He moved his hands up to my waist.

"Ness – "

I slid the zipper down and then leaned back into his lips.

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to," I whispered, kissing him gently on the corner of his full mouth. "Just letting you know that you can."

Jacob rejoined our lips and as I began to explore his mouth with my tongue, I felt his hands begin to slide down. Yes.

He rubbed the small of my back soothingly for a few seconds, the movement making it all too easy for me to rock my hips with it, pushing myself into Jacob's growing arousal. Then he slid his hand down a little further.

He hesitated when his fingers brushed over the edge of my panties, and I heard his heartbeat pick up even more. Mine did too.

"It's okay, Jake," I whispered against his mouth. "You can touch me."

There was a small pause where Jacob's breath hitched a little, and then he slid his hand down. He squeezed me slightly and we both groaned. He was so much _closer_ now. And how could I ever have had a problem with jeans – saying that they had no give – when now they were holding Jacob's hand so tight against me? It made no sense. Jeans were amazing.

"You're so soft," Jacob whispered roughly, and I felt rather than saw his face heat. "Everywhere."

I chuckled slightly and wondered if he could feel my breath on his face like I could when he did. "Were you expecting calluses?"

"No," he said back, his face growing even hotter against mine. "I just – you're so – "

"I know, Jake," I told him, catching his bottom lip between mine and running my tongue across it. "I'm just teasing. Your skin is so nice too – the perfect combination of hard and soft."

And well, since there was really no point in not saying it, I said, "I can't wait until we're married and I can touch you wherever I want."

Jacob groaned, gripping me harder and pulling me closer. His hips pushed up into mine. I remembered something.

"Am I paid off yet?"

"What?"

"For my bubblegum lessons," I reminded him, pulling back to smile at him like a Cheshire cat. "Am I paid off?"

Jacob flashed me a smile that made me push my hips into him again and pulled me, not closer since there was no room to move forward, but harder against him.

"Not even fucking close," he growled, swooping down to kiss me deeply. I was breathless when he pulled back.

"Do I get to hear some of the things you think about now?" I asked as he began doing something very interesting to my jaw with his tongue. "Since I showed you?"

"Do you . . . want to?" He asked, his voice muffled against my skin.

I grinded my hips against his, leaving us both gasping for a few seconds. "Mmhm."

"I mostly think about once we're married," he said after he had recovered, pausing to suck at my neck for a few moments. I sighed. "All the things I . . . I'll be able to do for you as your husband."

Husband. Damn it, that sounded nice.

"Like?"

"All the different ways I'll be able to . . . please you," he whispered, and his words were seriously doing something physical to my body. "With my hands and my mouth and . . . more."

More. More sounded fantastic.

"S'not fair, Jake," I managed to mumble, new images spinning in my mind at top speed. Images of more. "I showed you pictures . . . details . . . you're being vague."

"You want details?" He asked roughly, his hand massaging me hard and I was surprised by how badly I wanted him to slide his hand down. I was kind of scared to answer.

"Yes."

"I think about how beautiful you'll look naked," he said, and I moaned and blushed at the same time. I really hoped he wasn't building me up too much in his head. I didn't want him disappointed by the reality. "When I finally get to see it. I think about what it will feel like to touch you like . . . like I do but with nothing between us. I think about all the different ways I'll be able to make you say my name."

"Jake," I sighed without even thinking about it. It wasn't intentional.

His mouth moved to the front of my throat and I tilted my head back to allow him access.

"I think about kissing every inch of you. Every inch." Oh, that sounded like a promise. I would be holding him to it. "And I think about . . . being with you, like that. A thousand different ways in a hundred different places."

Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

"Where?"

"My bed," he said first, immediately. "In the forest back home . . . where we used to play. In the shower. The kitchen."

"The kitchen?"

"Mmm," he said into the hollow of my throat, and then licked it. I was so . . . turned on by how confident he seemed, unembarrassed. "We're married, and . . . we finish eating dinner. You're washing dishes and I come up behind you."

A picture burst into my mind, gone before I realized. A soapy white hand sliding across russet skin, the ring on it catching the light.

I whined and reached down and snatched Jacob's face back up to me. I kissed him so hard it almost hurt but he didn't seem to mind, his lips fighting me back for dominance which I gave him. Our hips seemed to work together, sliding against each other in a way that made my head spin. I rubbed myself deliberately against Jacob's hardness and imagined myself married in a kitchen with nothing in between us.

Jacob's hand kneaded my backside hard and I felt my panties begin to ride up, but I didn't care. I felt more of his skin against mine than before and it was so good. So, so good.

"I can't wait until we're married, Nessie," Jacob said, going back to kissing me frantically as soon as the words were out of his mouth. "I swear I'll take care of you better than you'll ever need."

I knew he meant it in any conceivable way possible, meant all my needs, but I only had one need right now and my mind and body were both pretty focused on that. I groaned at the promise.

I ran my hands all over him. His hair, his face, his neck, his shoulders, his arms, his back, his stomach. It all felt so good under my hands. I pulled away from his lips to kiss along his jaw, flick my tongue along his ear, run my lips down his neck.

When I reached the junction between his neck and shoulder I bit down softly, not hard enough to break the skin, and sucked like he had done with me. Jacob groaned and arched up into me, his hands on me pulling me down onto his hips.

"Damn it, Ness."

After a few seconds I released him, running my tongue along the place I had bitten to sooth the hurt. "Now you know how it feels."

Jacob threaded his free hand through my hair and used it to pull me back up to him. Our hips took up a rhythm and I began to feel the stirrings of a newly familiar feeling. Jacob's hand that was down the back of my jeans guided me, pressing me back into him at the speed he wanted.

Our kisses slowed down, became a little less frantic but our breathing only got heavier. I began to get the climbing feeling. I wondered if Jake was too.

Then the phone rang.

Neither of us had been expecting it – we hadn't gotten an out of turn phone call since the night Billy died. My heart flew up into my throat as Jacob's body tensed under me, but for a few short seconds he just seemed frozen. Would it be bad news again?

I'm not sure if it was to compensate for the few seconds it was stopped, but time suddenly sped up. My heart started doing laps around my chest and I vaguely noted Jake's was doing the same as I threw myself across the console and snatched up the black bag.

I threw it into the space between our bodies and my hands worked frantically to unzip it and press the phone to Jake's ear. I leaned in as close as I could to hear.

"Yeah?"

Time seemed suspended again as we listened to the air on the other end and waited for Alice's reply. The only sounds in the entire car were our hearts beating and the air on the line. We weren't even breathing.

"We've got him. Come home."

* * *

**Coming up:**

I had so much I wanted to say her her. I wanted to tell her about me and Jacob. I wanted to let her know how much I loved him and how amazingly happy I was and that we were getting married. I wanted to ask her about Grandpa Charlie and Aunt Sue and . . . and Billy. I wanted to tell her that I had learned to blow a bubble and gotten my picture drawn on a pier and rode up and down California for the past three months. That I had been to a movie and shopped and Wal-Mart and went on a one week fruit binge and ask her about Aunt Rose and Emmett and Grandpa and Grandma and Uncle Jasper and - and just everything.

But I couldn't now. I would have to wait until I saw her and before I saw her I had to talk with Jacob. Jacob, whose hands were now reaching up to wipe my cheeks so softly, wipe away my tears.


	41. In Which There is a Homecoming

**_A/N:_** Okay, I'm sure this wasn't exactly the chapter you were expecting since it's kind of a cliffhanger (I do love them!), but we get home and that's what's important! Let me try to explain to y'all how my head works: the story separated into parts in my mind. There are three. The first is approximately from the beginning to when they get together in chapter eighteen, then the second is from then to the last chapter. We are now going into the last part. That still means we've still got more than twenty chapters, but just informing you. I'm still not done too, so that number will grow. Hey - my brain may even start separating it into four parts, who knows how that works?

Now, for something else: I started (I use the term started loosely) a blog called **Alphas and Imprints**. If I can figure it out, I want it to be blog centered around wolf/imprint fics. I want to spread the wolf love (especially the Jake/Nessie love). I'm starting in teensy baby steps for now since I'm completely lost, just posting a weekly recommendation on Fridays. I already have several fics I want to rec but I'd love direction towards some more gems. But please, characterization and good writing are key.

So, if anyone has any interest in helping or writing articles or ideas for me to do that or any knowledge of website-ness (yes, I said it), I'd adore your help. And you'd receive full credit, of course.

There's really nothing there except a welcome message right now, but here's the link for whoever wants it:

alphasandimprints(dot)blogspot(dot)com

Thank you all so much! And sorry about the long A/N. ;)

**_Disclaimer:_** I do not own the lyrics or characters. I'm not even sure if intellectually these lyrics even make sense to be here in this chapter but I felt like they belonged and so there they are. Now go forth, read, and review!

**_

* * *

_**

In Which There is a Homecoming

**_

* * *

  
_**

_this is the clock upon the wall, this is the story of us all  
this is the first sound of a newborn child before he starts to crawl  
this is the war that's never won, this is the soldier and his gun  
this is the mother waiting by the phone  
praying for her son_

_- the last goodnight, pictures of you_

-

"What?"

"We've got him," Alice replied quickly, repeating what she'd just said. There was a flurry of movement in the background. "Everything's safe for the time being. We have to plan our next step."

I could tell Jacob's look of shock was mirrored on my face. So was it all over now? We just go home, just like that? I would . . . I would see my family?

"Everything's clear?" Jacob asked, in his Alpha role now. "There's absolutely no danger for Nessie?"

"No, none for right now," Alice explained quickly, and there was a small crash in the background. "Just come home."

Home. That sounded good.

Jacob was nodding, thinking hard. I pulled the phone away from Jake's ear and pressed it to mine, still leaning close though so he could hear. My heart was hammering in my chest. I hadn't spoken to anyone in my family for _months_.

"Aunt Alice!" I exclaimed into the receiver and Jacob's hands held me tighter.

"Nessie!" She exclaimed, almost in surprise. It felt so good to hear my name from her after so long. "Nessie, we've all missed you so much."

"Alice, are you with my Dad?" I asked, ignoring what she had said. It was probably rude but I didn't care. I missed her too, but I needed to hear his voice. "Give him the phone, please, Aunt Alice."

"Just a second."

I heard air as phone changed hands and a much deeper, familiar voice say, "Renesmee."

"Oh, Daddy!" I exclaimed, surprising myself. I hadn't called him Daddy since I was small. "I missed you so much, are you okay? Is Momma? Where are you?"

For all that I felt I had grown up these past few months, I seemed to have reverted back with one simple phone call.

"We're fine, sweetheart, everything's fine," Dad assured me. Oh, it was so nice to hear his voice. "You're coming home now, right? You and Jacob? Will you be here soon?"

"I don't know, Daddy," I said honestly, looking at Jacob. He still looked like he was thinking hard. And I would do whatever he decided. Of course I would. "I think so. I love you so much – where's Momma? Can I talk to her?"

"I love you too, Renesmee," Dad said, making my heart melt. I hadn't realized how much I missed him until this moment. "Tell Jacob I understand his concern, but not to worry and that everything is fine. He _will_ bring you home. Here's your mother."

"Nessie," Momma's voice breathed into the receiver a second later and if I hadn't known in my soul beyond doubt that it was her voice I would have said it wasn't. She never called me Nessie. "Oh, Nessie, sweetie, are you okay? Where are you? How is Jacob? I've missed you so much!"

"I'm fine, Momma, we're both fine," I rushed out, surprised to feel tears sliding down my cheeks. "We're – I think we're coming. I've missed you so much too, Momma, I love you so much. I – "

I had so much I wanted to say to her. I wanted to tell her about me and Jacob. I wanted to let her know how much I loved him and how amazingly happy I was and that we were getting married. I wanted to ask her about Grandpa Charlie and Aunt Sue and . . . and Billy. I wanted to tell her that I had learned to blow a bubble and gotten my picture drawn on a pier and rode up and down California for the past three months. That I had been to a movie and shopped at Wal-Mart and went on a one week fruit binge and ask her about Aunt Rose and Emmett and Grandpa and Grandma and Uncle Jasper and – and just everything.

But I couldn't now. I would have to wait until I saw her and before I saw her I had to talk with Jacob. Jacob, whose hands were now reaching up to wipe my cheeks so softly, wipe away my tears.

"I know, sweetie, I know. We'll see you soon – I can hardly wait," Mom told me, her breath hitching a little and I knew she was crying too. As much as she could, anyway. "Let me talk to Jacob, Renesmee, please."

I knew Jacob had heard, so I just pressed the phone back to his ear. Jacob used the hand that had brushed my tears to grip my neck and pull me until my forehead was resting against his. His eyes fluttered closed for a second before he leaned in and kissed me softly.

"Yeah, Bells?" He said into the receiver a second later.

"Oh, Jacob, thank you so much! I – I can't believe you've done this for us! We love you so much. We can't wait for you to come back home. Bring back our Ness, please. Bring me back Renesmee."

I could feel Jacob's body tense a little. He was naturally defensive of anyone calling me theirs but him. Even my parents. This only made me love him more.

"Don't worry, Bells," he said after a second in which he kissed me again, harder than before. "I'll – I'll bring you your girl back. I been taking real good care of her."

Jacob actually shot me a conspirator-like grin then and I couldn't help but smile back. We were going home. I had my Jacob, we were going home, and everything was going to be how it was supposed to be. All of us together.

I leaned in and kissed Jacob again, then turned my head a little towards the receiver.

"Real good care, Momma," I said, then actually giggled a little and let my head fall onto Jacob's shoulder. I raised my voice a little. "I'm better than before. Wait until you see me."

Mom was quiet for a second before she said, "Oh, we all can't wait. Renesmee, Jacob, please hurry home. Please."

"Okay, Bells."

"Okay, Momma."

"I love you," Momma said then. "Both of you. So much."

"I love you too," I said back into the receiver. "I'll see you soon, Momma."

"Be safe."

"We will," Jake assured her.

"Bye, Renesmee. Goodbye, Jacob."

"Bye," we both said, and then I hung up.

Jacob and I just kind of looked at each other.

"So . . ." I said after a minute when I could hold it in no longer. "Are we going home?"

"I guess so."

I launched myself at Jacob then, pushing him back against his seat and attacking him with my lips. I was so happy. I was going to see my family and I got my Jacob. The two most important things in my life coming together seamlessly. They had got the Volturi guy, which meant this all was over. Which meant we could go home and Jacob and I could get married.

I had never loved my life more.

Jacob kissed me back earnestly, his hand slipping quickly back down the back of my jeans, making me moan. After a few seconds, I pulled back.

"I'm so happy."

"I see that," Jacob said, his hand leaving my jeans so both of them could run up and down my sides. "That only makes me happier."

"You're not excited to go home?"

"I am," Jacob said, but I could obviously tell he wasn't as excited as me. "I'm just . . . worried. And I'm not looking forward to sharing you."

"Don't worry, Jacob," I told him, kissing his lips softly and Jacob's hands came up to hold me there for a second. "At least not now. Let's just go home."

"Whatever you want, Nessie," Jacob said, as my hands ran down his amazing stomach.

We would be driving for awhile and probably straight – I wouldn't get to see it or touch it again for awhile. Or kiss him. So I did then.

"I guess that means I have to get up?"

The one thing about going home I wasn't happy about.

Jacob mmm'd and licked at my throat, making me shudder. I hope – I hope we would be able to find time to be alone once we were back home. Maybe that was what Jake was worried about.

He finally pulled back and kissed me one more time. I could tell it was the last one.

I arched my back against him to do up my jeans and he groaned, whether at the action or the contact it required I wasn't sure.

"Where's my shirt?" He asked me like I knew.

"Where's my bra?"

"I threw it up over my head," he said, grinning. He reached up and adjusted the rearview mirror. "They're both in the back floorboard. You mind?"

Of course I didn't, so I crawled up out onto the armrest and leaned into the back and grabbed Jacob's shirt and my black bra. I popped back up with both articles of clothes in hand and dropped Jacob's shirt into his lap. He was smirking.

"Thanks for the view."

My jaw dropped open a little when I realized he'd asked me on purpose just so he could get a look, but I didn't really care. Jacob could look all he wanted.

"My show ain't free, honey," I told him, sliding back into my seat even though I didn't really want to. But I did want to get home. "And I don't take cash."

Jacob slid his shirt over his head, smiling. "I'll find some way to pay you back."

"I'm sure you will," I told him, sitting back up to kiss him one more time. "I'm looking forward to it."

I turned my bra around and latched it around me, twisting it back the right way so I could pull it up. I turned my back on Jacob when I had to pull my arms out of my shirt and thread them through the straps, pull the bra up over my breasts and adjust it.

When I turned back, Jacob's face was turned towards the window like a perfect gentlemen. He was so sweet.

"Okay, Jake," I told him once I was fully dressed again and he looked me over in a way I liked. I noticed he had sat the chair up. "Ready?"

"When you are, Ness," he said, reaching out to give my hand a quick squeeze. I loved him so much. "You ready to head home?"

I sighed and collapsed back onto my chair. "Very ready."

"All right then," Jake said, and cranked the car.

Thank God we weren't in southern California or it would have taken days. Jacob, of course, was driving a little crazy but not his running-from-psycho-vamps crazy, so it was taking a little longer. We talked and joked like normal but I got more and more antsy with every mile we drove. I was going to see my _family_.

I made Jacob stop at about four in the morning. He didn't want to, and I know it was completely to do with me since he knew how excited I was, but I couldn't overwork him. I really needed to learn how to drive. Jacob had said he was going to teach me a few days ago, but well, now we were heading home.

He didn't want to get a hotel since he said there was no way in hell he was stopping the whole night, so we just found a slightly congested area (Jacob was still nervous about deserted places at night) and Jacob cranked back the seat and slept for an hour or two. I couldn't. I was too excited.

Jacob had told me to wake him up in fifteen minutes, so he was a little ill with me when he woke up but it faded quickly. I couldn't let Jake be so tired. I hated it back home when he had double-shifts and came wandering into the big house all worn out.

When we crossed the Washington state line, I nearly had an epileptic fit of joy even though I knew we still had a few long hours to go. It was early afternoon, and Jake said he reckoned we'd be there before dark. I would be home – with my room and my bed and oh, it was just too exciting.

The phone rang again when we zoomed into Forks at twilight and Jake had to answer because my hands were shaking so bad I couldn't.

"Yeah?" He said into the receiver, holding the phone between his ear and shoulder and reaching out to me with his free hand.

"You're close?"

It was Alice.

"Yeah," Jake said as we flew past Swanson's Grocery and the turn-off to La Push. "We're real close."

Jacob hung up then and dropped the phone to the floor, pulling me into his side.

"Listen, baby," he whispered soothingly into my ear. "You have to calm down. I know you're excited, but you can't work yourself up. You'll get sick. It's just your family – they're all excited and happy to see you. No reason to be nervous."

And that's when I realized that's what I was. Nervous. I was . . . I was so different now than when I had last seen them. I was an engaged woman who had experienced pain and pleasure and was madly in love and lust and everything that went along with it, and I hadn't been that two and a half months ago.

I hoped they liked the new me.

Jake's voice calmed and soothed me and I reached up and turned his face to me for one last kiss as we flew down the road that held the turn-off to our house. I would probably too nervous or shy or excited or something to get another one for the next few hours.

"I love you, Jake," I said quietly. "Thank you so much for everything."

Jacob leaned back in and kissed me again. "I love you too, Nessie. Welcome home."

I snatched my face away from his to see us pulling down the long driveway to the big house. Was it so long before? Why was it so long? It was stupid and useless to have a driveway that long.

But a second later every thought about driveways and nerves and everything was gone because my family was standing in the yard. All of them.

"Jacob – "

The car slid to a stop and my door was thrown open. I was yanked into a stone, ice-cold embrace that I didn't even recognize until I caught the scent. Mom. She'd moved so fast I hadn't seen her.

Momma pulled back and kissed all over my face and I was shivering and crying and it was all a mess and more perfect than I ever could have hoped for. I felt warmth, Jacob, move in behind me and my Mom fly off of me and onto him. I was surprised to experience a burst of jealousy, but I held it back.

My Dad grabbed me next, and I could only stand, frozen. My words wouldn't come, my arms wouldn't move. All the things I had been waiting and waiting to say to them and now they were all here and I couldn't.

"Oh, Renesmee," Dad breathed into my hair.

"Daddy," I sobbed into his chest and he gripped me close.

I was so happy. It felt like a lifetime ago I had been here, another person, not myself. It was so good to be here again.

I felt more cold bodies close in around me, those of my family. It was all a blur – I hugged and kissed everyone. Mom and Aunt Rose kept coming in for seconds. Everyone hugged Jacob. Everyone. Even Aunt Rose again, very quickly when she thought no one was looking.

I was freezing by the time we shuffled into the house. There was the amazing smell of lasagna in the living room when we walked in and I almost melted. It was here, it was all here, exactly the way I left it.

"Esme cooked," Momma said, her icy arms coming around my shoulders and leading me to the kitchen. Everyone followed, huddled around us, me and Mom at the center. "Lasagna, since you and Jake both like it."

At Jake's name I looked up, searching for him and was surprised when my eyes didn't find him. Jacob hadn't been out of my sight, except to shower, for months. He hadn't been more than twenty feet away from me for _months_. And now I couldn't find him.

"Momma, where's Jacob?"

I think it was the first full sentence I'd spoken.

"He's outside talking with Edward, Renesmee," Momma told me softly, ushering me to sit down but I didn't want to. I wanted Jacob. I wanted him close and not far like he was. "He safe, sweetie, don't worry. He'll be here in a second."

"But – but – " How could I explain to my mom that I needed Jacob like a pulse? That I seriously felt right now that a piece of me was missing? A leg or an arm or an eye or something else extremely vital? "But I want him. Momma, I want Jake."

Mom's eyes got worried for a second. "Okay, okay, sweetie, don't worry. Rose will go get him."

Aunt Rose rushed out without another word, without even one dog joke. And a second later, Jake was there.

He strode into the house with Dad behind him looking tired and tall and amazingly handsome and most importantly, right there in front of me. I actually held my hand out for him like an impatient little baby. He walked immediately to me and took it, standing close.

I didn't know how to explain to him, to put into words that him getting out of my sight made me nervous. That I never wanted him anywhere but right here beside me. I opened the connection between us, using our joined hands, to pass him the burst of anxiety and fear I'd felt when I looked around and didn't see him.

Jacob gave me a small smile and I realized I had to say something.

"Grandma made lasagna," I said, which seemed so terrifically insignificant but was the only thing I could come up with. "Sit down and eat with me, Jake."

He did and Grandma Esme rushed up with two huge plates of lasagna, kissing my cheek and rubbing Jacob's shoulder again before she backed away. Mom and Dad stood behind me, Dad's eyes surveying carefully, Mom's cold hands on my arms. The rest of my family stood huddled around the kitchen island, just . . . watching.

I took a bite of the steaming lasagna and it almost burned my mouth but it was so good. Jacob was, of course, already digging in. We hadn't eaten for awhile.

Dad finally broke the silence.

"So you had no problems?"

It was a kind of useless question since he obviously already knew, but something to break the ice and I appreciated it. Jacob shook his head firmly around a mouthful of food, swallowing quickly and washing it down with some tea Grandma put in front of him.

"None at all," Jacob said, and looked at Alice. He touched my leg with his. "That head of yours is pretty reliable."

She smiled and I realized how much I missed it. "I know."

"So, what did you do?" Mom asked, moving around so she was beside me and could see my face but still kept her hands on me. "Did you just drive all day the whole time?"

"No," I told her, shaking my head and swallowing some food too. Jake reached over and drank from my glass since he had emptied his. "We – we did other stuff. I went to a normal mall and ate at normal restaurants and went to a boardwalk – oh, and we went shopping at Wal-Mart, Momma, it was so fun!"

I think from the corner of my eye, I saw Alice wince. Mom's eyes widened a little in surprise and then happiness.

"That's so good, Renesmee," she said, hugging me close again. I felt Dad kiss my hair. "I'm so glad you had a good time. Thank you again, Jacob."

Jacob leg shifted until our thighs were touching. It was . . . reassuring.

"Anything for Ness."

"Oh, I know, but I just – I just can't even – " Mom hugged me tightly to her and her breath hitched. "I'm just so happy!"

"Me too, Momma," I said, gripping her back but still making sure my thigh stayed pressed against Jacob's. I thought about just how happy I was. "So happy."

Mom pulled back and looked at me, wiped some tears away I didn't realize had fallen.

"You look different," she said, cocking her head like it would help her see me better. Like she wasn't already a vampire with perfect vision. "Did you change something?"

I hadn't, but I knew how she meant. I felt different. I guess it showed.

"No, Momma, not a thing," I said instead. I didn't know how to bring it all up now. I grinned. "New clothes."

"Completely unsuitable clothes," Aunt Alice cut in, but she was grinning.

"Don't blame Renesmee," Aunt Rose cut in, leaning her body in my direction. "You send her off for three odd months with this one and she's going to come back smelling like dog."

Everybody laughed, except Aunt Rose, and just like that the tension was gone.

"Don't worry, Renesmee, all you need is a bath."

I laughed again.

"I like my new clothes," I told the room. "They're comfortable."

"_Thank you_," Mom said, shooting Alice a pointed look.

And we were normal. I was home with my Jacob and all of this was over and oh, yes. And now we could get married. We just had to tell everyone first.

"_What?_"

I looked around to see Dad's shocked and kind of angry eyes, staring from me to Jake as if he didn't know whether to come or go.

Oh, damn. Looks like I just did.

* * *

**Coming up:**

I turned back to face Jacob with wide eyes. What did he mean, not now? He – he had promised. He had promised as soon as this was all over we could get married – had he changed his mind?

"Jacob – Jacob, you said – "

"I said as soon as it's over," he whispered into my ear. His words were just for me, even though everyone else could hear. "It's not over."

My heart stopped, just for a second.

"What – what do you mean?"


	42. In Which There is a Fainting Episode

**_A/N:_** Okay, I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint. There's nothing too dramatic here insomuch as the family's reaction, but you will find out why. And so it begins.

Also, I just thought I'd pimp out my new, still very confused blog **Alphas and Imprints**. Which you can find at blogspot under that same name - link's in my profile. It only has a welcome message and one rec on it so far. I'm starting slow for now with only one a week since I have a lot on my plate. But tell me how I did - I've never written a recommendation before. Also, if you'd 'follow' me, that'd be awesome.

And I'd just like to say, that while I'll of course keep with my schedule, I may be a bit behind on replying reviews. As you may or may not know, we are now in the third day of the holy month of Ramadan. It's a month in which all able, post-puberty Muslims fast from sunup to sundown, abstaining from food, drink, smoking and sexual contact so we're more able to appreciate what we have. It's also a time of togetherness and extra reflection and prayer.

It's a really wonderful time and I'm of course excited about it, but I just thought I'd give you a heads up so people don't get upset if I don't reply all reviews right away like usual. So I leave you with your chapter and wishes that you have a very happy Ramadan, even if all/most of you don't particularly care. May you all be grateful for what you have, since we have so much even when it seems like we don't.

Ramadan Kareem!

**_Disclaimer:_** Don't own a thing except that long 'old author note right there.

**

* * *

**

In Which There is a Fainting Episode

**

* * *

  
**

_'cause you know i'd walk a thousand miles  
if i could just see you  
tonight_

_- vanessa carlton, a thousand miles_

-

I had forgotten completely about my Dad's gift. Was that how long I had been away?

I wanted to tell my family, but not like this. I saw Jacob looking back and forth between us, confused. I immediately tried to tune out my thoughts as I turned hurriedly to Mom.

"Momma, shield me and Jake," I nearly begged her and then she looked confused too. "Please, just for a second. Shield us and I'll explain."

"Okay," Mom said a second later. Dad groaned in frustration and I knew it was up.

"Nessie, what – "

I reached for Jacob's hand and used my gift to show him what happened, how my dad had read my mind. I didn't let go of his hand once I was done, though.

"I – Jake and I have got some . . . news," I started, a little nervously, since I didn't know what else to say. Everyone just stared – Dad already knew enough to know what was coming, I guess. "We . . . I . . . while we were gone, we . . ."

Why was it so hard to say? The thing in the world I was the most proud of and I couldn't say it.

I felt Jacob's warm arm come around my waist, and pull me an inch or two closer.

"Nessie and I are . . . together now."

My heart accelerated at Jacob's words and my eyes scanned the room frantically, checking everyone's expressions. A little surprised, but not shocked. I forgot that they had known about the imprint all along, unlike me.

"Oh," Mom said, looking like she wanted to reach for my hand again but wasn't sure if she was allowed. "Oh, well . . . how long?"

"A few months," I said quietly, still a little nervous. Dad still hadn't said anything. "I'm – I'm so happy, Momma. Please don't be angry."

"I'm not," Momma said, after a second. She reached out and touched my cheek. "You left us for a few months and came back all grown up. But I'm happy for you, sweetie."

Aunt Alice bounded up then, grabbing my face and kissing my cheeks.

"It looks like you have a lot to fill us in on," she whispered into my ear before she pulled away, even though everyone was able to hear it anyway, and I blushed. "Congratulations, Nessie – Jacob."

Jacob pulled me a little closer.

"Does this mean the dog stays?" Aunt Rose burst out, making Emmett laugh. That was one of her old ones. She was getting rusty. She narrowed her eyes and looked at Jacob. "I hate you, mutt, but if Nessie wants you then you better be a good puppy and do exactly what she says."

Jacob smiled, the corner of his lips tugging down.

"I think tradition says we should kill you now, Jacob," Emmett said then, grinning broadly. He, at least, didn't care. "But you're fun to play football with so I'm giving you a pass."

Uncle Jasper just nodded a little in my direction and I knew we had his . . . blessing too.

"I'm happy for you, Jacob and Nessie," Grandpa Carlisle announced, ever the mediator, ever understanding and I wanted to hug him but I didn't want to leave Jacob's side. Grandma Esme looked like she might be crying – she just sent a kind smile in my direction and pressed her face into Grandpa Carlisle's chest.

I snapped my eyes back to my dad, the one person who had yet to give any reaction. He was just standing there, staring at me and Jake.

"Daddy?" I asked but he didn't respond. "Daddy, are you angry?"

"Not about . . . that, no," Dad said carefully, his eyes still piercing me. They were a little dark; he hadn't hunted in a while. "But I saw a little more than you've just told us."

Oh, right.

"And we're . . ." I started off loud, an announcement to the room, but I couldn't take my eyes off of my dad. "We're engaged."

Alice made a squealing noise and grabbed me again and everyone's calm looked a little more rattled.

"Engaged to be what? Married?"

"That would be the one, Emmett," Uncle Jasper told him, rolling his eyes but nobody laughed.

"Isn't that a little . . . fast?"

"Not really," I said, a little defensively. I leaned back into Jacob's chest and felt a surge of rebelliousness that I hadn't ever before. "And – and soon too. As soon as possible."

"No," Dad growled.

"Daddy, I don't want you to be angry with me," I almost-pleaded with him, but something was holding me back. "I just want to be happy and together again, but I want to be together with Jacob too."

"Not now."

"Yes, now," I told him, feeling a little angry. Nobody was going to stop me from being with Jacob. "Jacob and I agreed that as soon as this was all over – "

I was cut off by Jacob's insistent tugging on my hand, telling me to stop. I did and Jacob leaned into my ear, "He's right, Nessie. Not now."

I turned back to face Jacob with wide eyes. What did he mean, not now? He – he had promised. He had promised as soon as this was all over we could get married – had he changed his mind?

"Jacob – Jacob, you said – "

"I said as soon as it's over," he whispered into my ear. His words were just for me, even though everyone else could hear. "It's not over."

My heart stopped, just for a second.

"What – what do you mean?"

"They - " Jacob looked like he was fighting with himself. "They got the tracker, but they didn't kill him."

"Where is he?"

Jacob's eyes flashed behind me, to my Dad, I could tell. "He's upstairs."

"What?"

He was upstairs – here, in my house, so close I could – how could –

"Nessie, Nessie, calm down." I was surprised to hear Dad's voice, feel his cold hands on my arms. "He can't get to you – nothing can get to you."

He was a vampire. How did you hold a vampire hostage?

"How?"

"Don't worry about it," Dad said, and I knew I wouldn't get it out of him now. I would from Jacob later. "Don't worry about anything, Nessie."

"So – " I looked back at Jacob, searched his face. "So – what?"

"We have people due to be turning up over the next few days. The witnesses from last time, and whoever they can bring with them," Uncle Jasper said, straightening up and walking towards us.

I was so confused.

"But – but why though?"

Jacob was thinking hard, but it was Alice who spoke.

"The Volturi are coming."

Everything went black.

I was vaguely aware of things happening around me: shouting, panicking, Jacob's warm arms holding me close and a pair of cold hands. Jacob and my father, saying my name.

Renesmee. Nessie. Renesmee. Nessie. NESSIE!

I heard conversation but I couldn't really concentrate on it. It faded in and out. Something about a shield, human blood, fainting, stress. It all jumbled together in my head.

The next thing I remember was opening my eyes and finding myself on the couch in the living room. Mom's face swam above me and she gasped.

"She's up!" She exclaimed, and I felt a lot of movement beside me as Jacob sat up. It looked like he had been sleeping on the floor by the couch. "Edward, Carlisle, she's up!"

Then Jacob's face cut Mom's out as he leaned over me, his hot hand reaching up to rub my cheek.

"Nessie," he breathed, looking like he wanted to lean down and kiss me but he didn't. "Thank God."

"I – I'm fine," I whispered, since I didn't want him to worry. I think it was the truth, though. I felt fine – just . . . tired. "I'm okay, Jacob."

"You scared me so bad," he said, then leaned down and kissed my forehead, his hot lips lingering longer than they needed to. "Don't do that again. Please."

"Sorry," I muttered, as Jacob moved out of the way to make room for Grandpa Carlisle. Dad was with him, and he reached down to touch my hair. They all look so relieved. "I'm fine, you guys, I'm sorry for scaring you. I don't know what happened."

And then I remembered. The Volturi, coming here. Again. My heart fell into my stomach and I felt like I wanted to cry but I kept it together.

"No, Nessie, don't worry about any of that," Dad soothed, but we both knew it was a lost cause. He leaned down and kissed my forehead too. The temperature difference shocked me.

"How are you feeling, Nessie?" Grandpa Carlisle asked. "Queasy? Sick at all?"

"I'm fine, I swear," I said, trying to sit up, but Jacob's hand came out to hold me down. "Really."

Grandpa Carlisle looked me over with discerning eyes, touched my cheek.

"Your pulse is good," he told me. Vampires and werewolves didn't even need to touch you to get it. "I think it was just a combination of stress and exhaustion. Jacob said you hadn't slept or eaten in awhile and then the shock – you were out for awhile. It was just your body trying to protect itself."

"So can I get up?"

Grandpa Carlisle nodded, and I shot a pointed look at Jake. He let go of my shoulder, which wasn't exactly what I wanted. I just wanted him to let me up. I was a little dizzy when I sat up, but it passed quickly.

"You need to eat, Renesmee," Dad told me, offering me a hand up which I took. Eating sounded good right about now.

The entire family migrated back to the kitchen where I ate reheated lasagna, finishing every bit of my food for once. I was sleepy, even after my little . . . nap. I wonder where I would be sleeping tonight. Probably here at the big house. I wasn't stupid enough to think Dad would let me and Jacob sleep in the same bed like we had been, but I wasn't staying far from him. He would have to stay in the same house, the same room if possible.

Dad let out a growl that made me realize I was right. I wasn't looking forward to having a bed to myself.

But sure enough, as soon as I finished off my last swig of iced tea, Grandpa Carlisle said, "Nessie, I think you should get some sleep."

"Fine," I conceded. I was sleepy. But I turned to Jake first. "You'll sleep here tonight, right?"

Jacob twisted towards me in his chair so we could have the illusion of privacy. "Whatever you want, Nessie."

"I don't want to sleep without you," I mumbled quietly, and Dad made another noise. "But I don't think – "

"It's okay, Nessie," Jacob soothed me, brushing back my hair. "I'll stay really close – even on the same floor if you want."

I thought about it. I didn't want to be difficult.

"Just – just in the house is fine," I whispered. I wanted to kiss him goodnight, but I couldn't in front of everyone. Dad growled again. I was going to have to get used to controlling my thoughts again.

"I'll go with you, Nessie!" Alice volunteered, dancing over to me. "I'll even sit with you until you fall asleep!"

"Okay," I told her, taking her hand and giving Jake one last look. "But my clothes – "

"I'll get them out of the car," Jacob said, standing up.

I didn't like the idea of him going out of my sight, but I knew I had to get used to it. I tamped down the anxiety as he walked out of the door. Alice hugged me to her and I breathed deep, shivering a little too. I missed her.

Jacob was back a second later with my backpack, handing it to Alice instead of me since he had issues with me carrying things.

I kissed Mom's cheek, then Dad's, then I realized I'd better do the rounds so Uncle Emmett, Uncle Jasper, Aunt Rose, Grandma and Grandpa got one too. Alice was going with me – then there was just Jake.

Jacob looked a little shy when I walked up to him, like he didn't know what to do but I just wrapped my arms around him. He lifted me up into the biggest wolf hug before he sat me back down.

"'Night, Nessie."

"Goodnight, Jacob." I backed up and took Aunt Alice's hand again, Momma leaning in for one more kiss. I knew why they all weren't coming to tuck me into bed – they needed to talk to Jake about all the stuff they wouldn't say around me. "Goodnight, everybody. I love you all."

They all murmured their goodnight's and Jacob said "sweet dreams". When I looked back in his direction he mouthed _I love you_. I mouthed it back and let Alice pull me off, my stomach all jumbled up. I missed him already.

"So, we've got your clothes, right?" Alice asked as she dragged me up the stairs and into Dad's old room. "I suppose there's absolutely nothing suitable in here."

"I just need something to sleep in, Aunt Alice," I told her, unzipping my bag and pulling out my pajamas.

I changed into them quickly, pulling my bra out from under my shirt just like she'd taught me when I was done and throwing it towards my bag. I felt much more comfortable then and I crawled onto the huge, fluffy bed where Alice was watching me.

"You've gotten really good at that," she said, and her eyes said she knew more than she let on. She always did. "Practice?"

"Yeah, well." I tried not to go red. I'm not sure if it worked.

"So," she said happily a few seconds later as I snuggled under the covers. She followed me like she actually got cold. "Is Jacob a good kisser?"

"Aunt Alice!"

I seriously couldn't believe she had just asked me that. My aunt! It – I didn't even –

"Oh – so there's room for improvement?" She inquired, so deadpan I didn't know whether to laugh or be very, very scared. But I was also a little defensive. And protective.

"Jacob is good at everything he does," I said before I could bring it back and Aunt Alice's eyes widened. Then I giggled. I actually giggled. Aunt Alice did too.

"I'm just teasing you, Nessie," she said, grabbing my hand. "I really am happy for you."

"I am too," I said, letting my thoughts drift off to Jacob for just a second. "I – he's so perfect."

"Really?" Aunt Alice asked me in a tone I'd only ever heard in the best-friend scenes of teen movies. "He'd better be if you're getting married!"

I just smiled. Married. To Jacob.

But we couldn't now. Because the danger wasn't over.

"And _who's_ going to plan your wedding?"

I sighed. "You, Aunt Alice."

She squealed and jumped on me, hugging me tight and knocking the breath out of me.

"Thank you, Nessie, thank you!"

"Sure, sure," I told her. I didn't really care about the red tape; I just wanted to get it done. "I was thinking about a fishing theme."

She pulled back and crinkled her nose at me before she hugged me again.

I didn't get to sleep for awhile. I giggled with Alice, quietly though, hoping the others in my family wouldn't hear since they were busy, and well . . . gossiped with Alice. I told her about Wal-Mart, which she wasn't happy about, and the movies and the farmer's market and talked and talked until my voice hurt.

I wasn't sure when I started fall asleep, since I kept talking through it, but I opened my eyes into blackness sometime later with no one with me. I was alone. I hadn't been alone for awhile.

I didn't like it.

And I didn't want Alice or Mom or Dad or Aunt Rose or Grandpa Carlisle. I wanted Jacob. I wanted Jacob now.

I rolled straight out of the bed and to the door, which had been left open. There was nothing going on upstairs, so I tiptoed as lightly as I could down the steps, hoping the discussion downstairs would be too intense for anyone to notice me creeping down.

My eyes kept trying to flutter closed – I was still sleepy – but I was on a mission. I turned the corner at the bottom of the stairs and there he was, laid out on the couch, his legs hanging off the end since he was so tall. My heart swelled up.

I didn't hear voices in the kitchen so I guess everybody was outside or elsewhere. Poor Jake. He probably stayed up with them as long as he could, but all that driving must have caught up to him. I nearly ran over to where he was, the room dark except for the moon coming in through the huge window.

Jacob looked so peaceful when he was sleeping. And so much younger. I almost hated to wake him up. Almost.

I took a second to watch his face first though. His eyelashes were so pretty, long for a guy definitely, and his eyes were amazing. But the best part was his mouth: his teeth, his tongue, but my favorite was his lips. So full and dark and _soft_.

I leaned in and kissed him softly. It was nice, different, his lips relaxed and unresponsive since he hadn't been expecting it. Jacob just mumbled softly, but didn't wake up, so I kissed him again.

"Nessie."

I reached back and put my fingers gently in his hair, leaning forward to give him another, longer kiss.

"Wake up, Jacob," I whispered, running my lips back and forth across his. I think I was teasing myself more than I was teasing Jacob, who was still asleep. "Wake up. I've missed you so much."

I kissed him again when he was unresponsive, but this time I ran my tongue along the crease of his lips. They fell apart, almost like a reflex and I darted my tongue in between them. He tasted so good. Had it really only been hours since I kissed him?

Jacob's lips moved to kiss me back for the briefest second and then his eyes fluttered open. He pulled away with a start.

"Nessie?"

I smiled, and leaned back in toward him. "Were you expecting someone else?"

"Of course not," he said, reaching out to touch my face. "What are you doing?"

"I missed you," I said, lifting up the little throw blanket that was on him so he'd get the hint and move over to make room for me. He did. "I can't sleep without you."

"Mmm," he said, leaning in to kiss my neck gently as I forced myself into the small space Jacob was able to make on the couch. It was a big couch, but Jacob was a big Jacob. He stopped me when I made to sling a leg over his hips – to save room, of course. "Don't, Ness."

"Why?" I asked, and then I felt it. Jacob's hardness. I felt my eyes widen. "Was that – just from the kiss?"

I pressed myself against him anyway, ignoring him and throwing my leg across him and he groaned, just a little. Then he shook his head.

"I was dreaming about you," he said, and my stomach fluttered. "But that kiss definitely didn't help. You're evil, you know that?"

I could tell that Jacob had changed into sweatpants sometime between the time I went upstairs and the time I came down again. I wanted to show him just how evil I was. I wanted to reach down and touch him through his clothes like he had touched me, but I knew he wouldn't let me.

And we couldn't do anything like that now. I had gotten used to privacy.

Like Jacob had read my mind, when I leaned up to kiss him again, he said, "Nessie, your parents – your dad – "

"They're not in the house," I told him surely, stealing a kiss anyway and rubbing myself against him, just a little. "We're alone, but don't worry, Jake. I just want to sleep."

"Well, if you want me to sleep with you, and you want me to be alive when you wake up, you should probably move your leg," Jacob told me.

I pouted but he didn't budge, so I obeyed him, sliding my leg back down to rest with my other one. I felt him start to get control of his body.

"I missed you," Jacob said a second later, making me go all warm inside. "I missed you so much. I don't like sleeping without you against me."

"Me neither," I told him, then remembered something. "Are you going to go to La Push tomorrow?"

Jacob nodded, looking a little sad so I kissed his throat.

"Can I go with you?"

"If Alice says it's okay," he said, and I didn't have to ask what that meant. That it wasn't over, the danger was still real.

"I love you, Jake."

"I love you too, Nessie," Jacob said, rubbing my back soothingly. "Now sleep."

I did.

* * *

**Coming up: **

No. _No_.

"I'll die too!"

"Nessie, stop it," Jacob said, his head flashing back around to face me. His eyes scared me. "You – "

"I will, Jacob," I swore, feeling desperate. All I knew was that I had to talk him out of it. I didn't care what I had to say or do. "I'll kill myself if you die, Jacob, I can't – "

"NESSIE, STOP IT!"

The shock of Jacob's shout sent me flying back in my seat. It was at the top of his voice, louder than the night Billy died or the night we ran. It was an angry, afraid sound and it scared me.

Jacob was shaking. I was surprised to feel the car sliding to the side – I looked up to see Jacob parking on the side of the road. He slammed the car into park and got out.


	43. In Which Nessie Hates Everything

**_A/N:_** Okay, first off: _Hands on Me_ reached and then surpassed 1,000 reviews last night! Ah! I seriously cannot stop bouncing. I hope you all know just how crazy that is. Wow. The 1,000 club. And you know what, I don't care if nobody says that. It makes me feel cool so I'll say it. Ah!

So thank you, thank you, thank you to every single person who reviewed. Ever. Honestly. That's really, really amazing and I love you all so much. Thank you. Again, wow.

And don't forget to check out **Alphas and Imprints**, link on my page! I've implemented 'One-Shot Wednesdays', although they may be bi-weekly at first.

Moving on to the actual content of the chapter, this chapter is pretty intense. I think it's probably the second most intense in all of _HoM_ and the one I consider first hasn't been posted yet. I expect to hear it from you when it is.

So here is where the bomb is dropped and everything starts to move really fast after that. Well, maybe actually kinda slow - I judge things weird.

**_Disclaimer:_** Don't own it, although I would like to say that I'm in love with the lyrics for this chapter. They match so perfectly in my opinion. That's a little foreshadowing for you, if you even bothered to read this A/N. ;)

**_

* * *

_**

In Which Nessie Hates Everything

* * *

_so we've been outnumbered  
raided and now cornered  
it's hard to fight when the fight ain't fair_

_- taylor swift, change_

-

Jacob woke me up the next morning, telling me to sit up and I did just in time for my parents to come zooming through the door a second later. I realized a second too late that I was without a bra, so I pulled my hair around to my front to cover everything. Not that there was much to be covered.

"Morning, Momma," I said, a little sleepily. I _had _just sat up. "Daddy."

"Good morning, sweetheart," Dad returned, a little stiffly. "Where did you sleep last night?"

"In your old room," I answered immediately, which wasn't a lie. "I just woke up. I came down to see Jacob."

All three of those sentences where utterly and completely true. The last two were just in the wrong order. This, of course, would only be a nail in my coffin because as I seem to have been forgetting lately, my father could read minds.

But he didn't start screaming and his eyes didn't burst out of his head. His face didn't change at all. He leaned down and kissed my forehead, seeming to believe me. From behind me, Mom winked and tapped her temple and I got it.

She was blocking us. It was literally the best gift I had ever been given. I stood up and sprinted to her, wrapping her in a tight hug.

"Thank you, Momma," I whispered into her ear even though I knew Dad could hear.

"You're welcome, Renesmee." Mom pulled back to check my face. "Are you hungry?"

"A little," I said honestly, just as Jake's stomach growled loudly. "I think someone else is too."

"I'll cook!" Mom said then happily. I'm guessing she hadn't had the opportunity to do that in awhile. "What do you want?"

"Why don't you ask Jake?" I told her, laughing a little. "I want to shower and stuff first."

Mom turned to look at Jake, who was now rubbing his stomach. Dad rolled his eyes.

"I wouldn't say no to some eggs, Bells," Jacob said, shooting her a grin that would make lesser women melt. I was lesser women, by the way. Mom just smiled and nodded. "But I think I need to take a shower and change first too. Wouldn't want to torture Blondie with the dog smell more than necessary."

"Yes, because the wet dog smell is so much more appetizing," Aunt Rose's voice shot back, and I turned around to see her and Uncle Emmett traipsing into the house. "Good morning, Renesmee, darling."

"Morning, Aunt Rose."

"Morning, Blondie!" Jacob called loudly, since he liked to make a production of himself. "I hope your morning is fabulous and filled with baby kittens and roses!"

"I hope your morning is filled with sharp, pointed things and falls from great heights!" Aunt Rose called back, her tone sweet as venom, already heading up the stairs. Uncle Emmett, of course, was right behind her, laughing.

"I love you too, snookums," Jacob muttered under his breath, making me laugh again. I'd missed this so much. It was great to be home.

"Okay," Mom said, taking Dad's hand and starting to pull him towards the kitchen. "Hurry up, the both of you, and the food will be waiting."

Dad didn't even shoot us a dirty look as he walked away with Momma and left us alone. He didn't even hand out any instructions about which bathrooms for each of us to use. I guess he knew we weren't that brave or that stupid. Besides, two months with Jake hadn't gotten us _that_ far.

"You got your stuff?" I asked Jake, and he lifted and dropped his eyebrows at me, reaching over the side of the couch and pulling up his bag. "Well, come on, let's go."

Jacob followed me up the stairs, waiting at the door to Dad's room while I grabbed my bag, and then followed me into Alice's room. I started gathering some clean clothes up and Jacob just watched me, his backpack in hand.

"You going to go first or d'you want to use the other bathroom?"

"I'll use the other bathroom," Jacob said, so I wasn't sure why he'd followed me all the way here. "Don't want to freak Edward out."

That hadn't even occurred to me. Jacob and I had been showering and dressing together in the same two rooms for the past three months. It didn't dawn on me now that, in normal circumstances, that would probably be inappropriate behavior. Even though we weren't exactly normal.

"Yeah, okay," I said, taking a few careful steps forward. I almost asked for a kiss, but then I remembered we were in a house full of vampires. I tilted my face up. "Come here."

Jacob came, of course, a step closer and leaned down so I could kiss him. I would miss being able to do that whenever I wanted, but I couldn't in front of my family. That was just so . . . rude, disrespectful somehow. I reached up and put a palm on his face, giving myself five more seconds of enjoyment before I pulled away.

"Thank you," I told him, then mouthed, _For letting me sleep with you._

Jacob chuckled a little and said, "Thank you for coming down. I was missing you so bad."

"When Alice gets back, are you going to ask her if I can go with you?" I questioned.

"Sure, sure."

"What all do you have to do in La Push?"

"I need to go see some of the guys from the pack," he said, shifting his weight, letting me lean into his chest. "See my sister, make sure she's all right. I wanna go see Billy."

I looked up at him. I had actually forgotten. "I'm coming with you."

Jacob leaned down and kissed me again. "Let's just talk to Alice first. Actually, let's get showers and then go eat first, 'cause I'm damn hungry."

"Fine, you wolf," I said, pushing myself gently away from his chest. "Go get clean."

I stole one more quiet kiss before he left. Then I went into Alice's massive bathroom and stripped down. I cut on the hot water and jumped under. I was going to use all of Alice's fancy soaps and shampoos that she bought and never used. I was so sick of generic, hospital-smelling, hotel shampoo.

As I lathering my hair up, my thoughts wandered to Jake. Who was in the exact same situation as me a few yards away in the spare bathroom. Thank God my thoughts were safe now because all I could think about was when we were married and Jacob didn't have to leave so I could shower. When he could shower with me.

My stomach tightened.

Then I remembered what Jacob told me the other day in the car before Alice called. About what he thought about doing with me in the shower. My stomach wrung itself out.

I rinsed the shampoo out and added some, no doubt, high-end conditioner and then sat down to shave my legs. I tried not to think about Jacob, all naked and wet and soapy, in the other bathroom but I couldn't help it. I stood up and shaved under my arms really quick and then rinsed the conditioner out. My hair was so much _softer_ now. Home was awesome.

I finally cut the water off and got out, wringing my hair out over the tub first, of course. I toweled off and dressed quick, in a hurry to get back to my family and Jake. I toweled my hair out as best as I could and ran the brush through it, which was much easier now with it all conditioned.

I threw my dirty clothes in the direction of my bag and dashed back out into the hall. Jacob was waiting on me, leaning against the wall in jeans and his wolf-shirt. His hair was still damp and down around his face. I noticed an elastic on his wrist.

I took a second to just look at him. He always looked good, but here he looked even better. Everything was better at home.

"You look nice," Jacob said when I came out, which he always did. I just thanked him and offered him my hand. He took it and I dragged him down the stairs.

We both kinda let go at the same time when we walked into the kitchen. It was like an unspoken agreement. Jacob was mine, everyone knew it. There was no need to – in front of my parents – it was just weird.

Mom had two plates of eggs, toast, and hash-browns sitting on the kitchen island when we came in. Her and Dad were kissing in front of the stove. Apparently, they didn't feel the same way about public displays of affection. Gross.

The stopped quickly when we came in, though, even though I know they heard us coming down.

"Looks good, Bells," Jacob said, sitting down and pulling out the chair beside him for me. He was so sweet.

"Yeah, Momma," I said as I sat down. Dad handed me a fork and I smiled. "I missed your cooking."

We dug in and everything was quiet for a few seconds.

"Jacob said you haven't hunted," Dad said, breaking the silence. I looked up from around a mouthful of egg. "You probably should today."

"Yeah, I guess you're right," I conceded, thinking about it. "I – the urge just kind of went away after awhile. It didn't bother me."

"Better safe than sorry," Dad said, and I had to agree. But then I remembered something.

"But Jacob was wanting to go to La Push today and I wanted to go with him," I told them. "We were waiting for Alice to ask if everything is clear. Can we go tomorrow?"

Dad didn't look too happy about it, but I knew it was because I'd hurt his feelings a little. Ditching him for Jake. I went away for months and then come back and didn't want to hang out with him. He had every right to be upset.

"We'll go just me and you," I decided. That would be nice, some quality time with my dad. "It'll be fun. What d'you think, Daddy?"

He looked a little appeased. "That's fine, Renesmee. But you have to wait for Alice to ask."

"Of course."

I couldn't help but smile into my next mouthful of eggs.

Alice and Jasper came home while we were eating and I knew better than to ask where everyone had been. I would get it out of Jake later. Jacob asked Alice and she said everything looked fine so after we finished, I kissed everyone again and we headed out.

Mom held me tight, like she was afraid I wasn't coming back. The separation had been harder on her than I thought.

We climbed back into the Porsche but it felt very different than all the times before it. I tried not to feel sad as we slid out of our long driveway. I reminded myself we were coming back.

"Jacob," I said conversationally, reaching for his hand as we pulled onto the highway. "Are you glad to be home?"

"I am," he said, but I could tell, something was still holding him back. I shifted in my seat to face him.

"What wrong, Jake?" I asked. "Please tell me what's going on – all of it. Don't worry about me getting scared or being worried or – or anything."

Everything was silent for a few long moments.

"The Volturi are coming," Jacob said, and I realized it was the first time he actually said the word. "You know that."

I nodded, egging him on. Anxiety gripped in my stomach, clawing at my heart, but I tried not to let it show on my face.

"Nessie, honey, you're gonna be safe, you know that?"

"I know that," I assured him, shaking his hand a little. "Just, Jake, please. Don't start keeping things from me now."

"Nessie . . . baby," Jacob said evenly, like he was steeling himself for something. He held my hand tighter, watching me instead of the road. "I don't want you to be afraid, not for even a second. But there's . . . there's . . . ."

"Just tell me, Jake."

"There's gonna be a war."

My heart stopped again.

A war. _A war_.

"Nessie?" Jacob's firm, worried voice said, calling me out. "Nessie, the only reason I told you was because you deserved to know. You're grown up now, but – but I still don't want you to worry. Please don't."

"But you are."

"I'm just trying to figure out some stuff in my head," he explained, but it felt like a lie.

A war. A fight.

"Who – " I took a deep breath and swallowed the lump in my throat. "Who's going to fight this war?"

Before my heart could beat twice, Jacob had said, "We are."

Jacob? My family? They were going to fight a war?

"We, as in us. Not you." His eyes looked at me hard. "Not you, Nessie."

"Why not me?"

"Don't start that shit, Nessie!" Jacob burst out, shocking me. The Alpha in his voice was stronger than it had ever been with me. "Don't you start with that _fucking shit_."

"What are you talking about?"

"I don't wanna hear a goddamn thing about you fighting or going or doing anything, do you hear me?"

I was torn. I was afraid. I was angry. I was hurt. I was so, so confused.

I was afraid of the way Jacob was talking to me now, I was afraid of the fear I saw in his eyes. I was angry that he wouldn't even let me help to defend myself and my family. I was hurt that – that all of this was happening now when it was supposed to be better. I was confused because I still didn't understand anything.

Then I realized something and the only feeling left was fear, swelling up in my throat and heart and stomach until there was nothing left inside of me but it. Fear. Fear and love.

"But I suppose you think you're going to fight in this war?"

"Of course I am."

God, no.

"No, Jacob, you can't," I said immediately. I felt tears start to rush up but I held them back. "There has to be another way – you're not fighting, what if – what if – "

I couldn't say the words. That would make it real.

"Nessie, I have to – you don't understand, it's what I am," Jacob told me seriously, holding my hand even tighter. "I'm your defender."

"No, you're mine!" I almost-shouted. "You're mine, Jacob, and you're not – you can't – "

"I can, Nessie," Jacob said firmly. "I will. I will fight for you and you will _not_ do anything stupid and we're not going to discuss this anymore."

I steeled myself. I was going to say it. I was going to shock him so damn bad he'd have to agree with me.

"What if you die?"

My chest cracked. The words hung in the air between us like poison. They spread through the car and made it hard to breathe. Jacob let go of my hand and I wanted to cry.

"I won't."

"You can't – you can't say that," I choked out, tears rushing up into my eyes. "It's a war, Jacob."

"I – I'll be as careful as I can," Jacob told me, but he wasn't looking at me anymore. "But I'm going to fight, and if something happens – "

No. _No_.

"I'll die too!"

"Nessie, stop it," Jacob said, his head flashing back around to face me. His eyes scared me. "You – "

"I will, Jacob," I swore, feeling desperate. All I knew was that I had to talk him out of it. I didn't care what I had to say or do. "I'll kill myself if you die, Jacob, I can't – "

"NESSIE, STOP IT!"

The shock of Jacob's shout sent me flying back in my seat. It was at the top of his voice, louder than the night Billy died or the night we ran. It was an angry, afraid sound and it scared me.

Jacob was shaking. I was surprised to feel the car sliding to the side – I looked up to see Jacob parking on the side of the road. He slammed the car into park and got out.

I just sat, shocked, for a few seconds before I scrambled to follow him. It looked like rain, like it always did, when I emerged from Jacob's side of the car. The grass was still wet from the rain from last night. Jacob was bent over the car, his face buried in his arms.

"Jacob?" I asked hesitantly.

He growled, standing up abruptly and kicking the tire. The sound rebounded off of nothing in the emptiness.

Jacob walked towards me and his eyes seriously looked like the eyes of a wolf. If it wasn't Jacob, I would have been scared out of my mind. I was actually scared out of my mind, but it wasn't fear for myself.

"You will not say anything like that to me again," Jacob said, his voice low but clear. I shivered under the dominance in the words, the power they had over me. But I'd never have it any other way. "You will not allow anything to happen to yourself."

I knew Jacob loved me; of course I did. Powerfully, beyond comprehension. But the love that I heard in his tone just then jolted me so badly the tears that had been holding in my eyes spilled over.

"You won't even think anything like that again," Jacob commanded me, and I wanted to fight back with him but I couldn't. "Do you think I want to die? Do you think I want to leave you?"

His voice broke. I just stood, shocked.

"Answer me!"

"It looks like it," I finally said quietly.

"The thought of leaving you alone kills me!" Jacob shouted. "The thought of being without you for even a few hours makes me sick to my stomach! I need you like a fucking pulse, Nessie, but there are more important things than what I need!"

"I need you too!"

"I'm not going out there with a death wish, but those fuckers are coming for you and I'll be damned if I'm going to sit and let it happen!"

"We can run again," I whispered, taking another small step closer, still desperate. I held out my hand but Jacob ignored it. "Now, if you want. Right now. Just – just don't do this Jacob."

Jacob shook his head almost frantically. "Doesn't work. Nothing but fighting works, Nessie. Alice saw it."

"I hate this!" I screamed suddenly, something inside me breaking. Tears flowed down my face freely now. "I hate this so goddamn much! It was supposed to be better now! I hate how you're acting, like you love me more than I love you! I hate everything!"

"You don't think I hate it too?" It was Jacob's turn to make his voice soft.

I sobbed.

And then, in a movement I didn't catch through my blurred vision, Jacob grabbed me and lifted me up against the side of the car.

"You have to trust me, Nessie," Jacob said roughly against my lips, his body pressing into me hard. "There's a war coming and there's nothing we can do about it. I don't want to fight with you."

I blinked my eyes rapidly to clear them out and Jacob's beautiful face came into view.

"Me either, Jacob, but I can't – "

"I love you, honey," he said, his lips still against mine, not kissing. Just there. "You're my Ness, I love you so much – but you're not going to change my mind. Don't fight with me, please."

And it all went out of me. Just like that.

I was still angry. I was still afraid. I still disagreed utterly and completely, but I knew Jacob wasn't going to listen to me. I could see it in his eyes; he had made his decision. That killed me, but . . .

"How – how long do we have?"

Jacob exhaled in relief against my lips and kissed me hard, his hands coming up to hold my face. I wrapped my legs around his waist and kissed him back, my hands reaching around his back to pull him closer, closer to me.

I could feel Jacob's cheeks were wet, but I think it was from my tears. I hope it was. After a few seconds, Jacob pulled back, keeping our foreheads pressed together, his breath hot and comforting against my face.

"How long do we have, Jacob?"

He kissed me again, his tongue coming out to taste my bottom lip quickly. "Two weeks."

All the breath went out of me. Two weeks. Fourteen days.

Fourteen days until I might never see Jacob again. Fourteen days until I would be no doubt locked away somewhere while my family and some friends went off to fight an entire army. An entire, thousand year old army.

Time seemed so cruel now. Slipping by so fast. Every second we were getting closer, closer to the time Jacob would leave me and might never come back. If not him, then someone from my family. Momma, Daddy, Aunt Rose. . .

There was so much Jacob and I hadn't done. I hadn't touched him like I wanted, I hadn't danced for him like he wanted me to, we hadn't gotten each other's engagement rings. We hadn't even told his sister or Grandpa Charlie.

All those pictures and dreams and fantasies Jacob and I had talked about in the car that day – we hadn't acted them out. We hadn't got a chance to try them. Our days were numbered – literally.

_Fourteen days._

Something clicked in my mind. I looked up at Jacob and I could feel the resolution settling into my eyes.

"Let's get married."

* * *

**Coming up:**

"I – I'll figure something out," Jacob said, and I nodded for a second before I realized he couldn't see it.

"Okay, Jake," I told him. "Don't stress over it."

"So, what are you doing now?"

"I just got out of the shower," I told him, glad he wasn't in front of me when I blushed as I remembered what I'd done. "I – I was just watching the clock."

"Me too," he admitted, quieter than usual. "I miss you."

"I miss you too," I said quietly. "Even now."


	44. In Which White is Fine

**_A/N:_** Okay, I've been holding off of flat out saying it or spoiling it, only alluding to it but here it is. No hiding it in this chapter. I have a feeling there's gonna be _some_ kind of reaction to this one, whether good or bad. I'm happy with it. Maybe a lot of you guessed what would happen, maybe you didn't. I had a few people express either opinion. I'm so excited to hear what you think! This was written _forever_ ago and I've just been waiting for y'all to get to this part! Hurray!

Let's see, hmm, what else? There are some new recs up on** Alphas and Imprints**, if you're hunting some fresh wolf/imprint fic. I'd actually like to request if anybody knows any good wolf/imprint one-shots, could they PM them to me? I'm having a hard time finding anything good.

**_Disclaimer:_** Don't own any of it, except the order the words are in. But on a side note, I _love_ the chapter title. I wonder if the people who got them awhile back guessed what it meant . . .

**_

* * *

_**

In Which White is Fine

* * *

_and you say we're too young, but maybe you're too old to remember  
and i try to pretend, but i just feel it when we're together  
and if you don't believe me, you never really knew us_

_- vanessa carlton, who's to say_

-

Jacob just stared at me for a long moment.

"Now?"

I nodded.

"Nessie," he said finally. "We can't – we can't . . . plan a wedding – "

"I don't want a wedding," I told him honestly, reaching up to kiss him again but he didn't respond. "I don't want anything but you, Jacob. Let's – let's get married. Please."

"I – I don't think – "

"Jacob, we have two weeks," I told him, looking straight into his eyes. "Only two weeks. Who knows what might happen after that. I – please."

Jacob was silent. I was struck with something.

"Do you – do you not want to marry me?"

"Of course I do!" Jacob burst out immediately, flooding me with relief. "I – you know I do, Nessie, but I don't want you to – to rush into anything just because – "

"Because you're going off to fight a war?" I said, almost a little sarcastic. "Jacob, don't think about what we should do or going too fast or whether I'm ready or anything. What do you want to do? Do you really want to . . . leave me and go off and fight without having . . . loved each other all the way?"

"I already love you all the way, Nessie," Jacob said, but it was half-hearted. I could feel his resolve breaking. I could feel him giving into the selfishness.

"You know what I mean," I said sternly. "I want to be with you, Jake. And I want to . . . I don't want it to be just words. I want . . . to make a choice and choose you and have it final. I want you to be my husband."

Jacob closed his eyes, pressed his forehead a little harder against mine. Our noses and lips brushed – we were so close, but I wanted closer.

"Are – are you absolutely sure, Nessie?"

Yes. Oh, yes, yes, yes.

"So sure," I breathed, hardly believing what was happening. "So, so sure, Jacob."

Jacob nodded twice. "Okay."

"Okay?" I had to make sure. "Okay what?"

"Will – damn it," Jake cursed. I was surprised when he set me abruptly on my feet and even more surprised when he dropped to his knees. He took one of my hands. "Will you marry me, Nessie?"

I had been talking and talking – why now did I have no words?

"Yes," I whispered. I was crying again. "Yes, Jacob, yes!"

Jacob's entire body kind of sagged and he brought my hand to his lips, kissing it so tenderly and softly, like it was my mouth. Then he leaned forward and grabbed me around the waist, pulling me against him and burying his face in my stomach.

I reached down and ran my fingers through his hair. I couldn't believe this was happening. I pulled Jacob's face up to look at me and I think his eyes were pink.

"I love you," I told him, but the words kind of choked in my throat. "So much. I – thank you, Jacob."

Then I almost screamed. Because Jacob stood up, still holding me around the waist and began to spin me around.

"Jacob!"

"I can't believe you – actually want me – actually love me – that much, I – don't have words – "

"Stop, Jacob," I said softly, so he'd know I just meant the spinning. He did. I leaned in and kissed his eyes, which he fluttered closed for me. "Of – of course I want you. Forever."

Jacob kissed me hard for a second and then set me down.

"Well, then, I think the trip to La Push is off," Jacob said, still running his hands all over me like he was afraid I would disappear. "We need to go find your parents. I think we've got some news."

News we had.

I hope they took it well.

I wasn't sure which of us dragged the other into the house, since we were both in such a hurry but we got inside quick enough and I started a frantic search for my parents.

"Momma!" I shouted, even thought it wasn't necessary. It made me feel better. "Daddy!"

They came zooming into the living room literally a second later, followed in the next millisecond by everyone else.

"Renesmee, what – is something wrong - ?"

"No, Momma, no," I told her hurriedly, rushing over to her and Dad, not releasing Jacob's hand the entire time. "Jake – Jacob told me what happened. About the war, and we've . . . . we've decided to get married. Now."

"Renesmee," Dad reasoned, though he didn't look as appalled as he had last night. "This isn't the time, under such stress, to be making these kinds of decisions – "

"The decision was already made, Daddy," I told him, a little beseeching. He needed to understand. "Another one just forced it into action. Please, Daddy, understand."

Just as Dad was about to open his mouth to reply, Jacob cut in, saying, "Can I talk to you for a minute, Edward?"

Dad nodded, shooting me one last glance and Jacob squeezed my hand once before they walked together out the door. Everybody was still staring at me.

"Momma?" I asked hesitantly, a little nervous. She hadn't said anything. "Momma, don't be angry – I, I just – "

"I know, sweetie," Mom said, and the next second I was pressed against her freezing chest. "Trust me, I know more than anything."

I pulled away and scanned the eyes of my family.

"Anybody mad at me?"

Aunt Rose made like she wanted to raise her hand, but Uncle Emmett pulled it back down. Then she smiled, just a little, and I knew she had been joking. I knew it – she loved Jake too.

Grandpa Carlisle stepped forward with Grandpa Esme a step behind him.

"No one's angry with you, Renesmee."

That was good to hear. Even though it wouldn't have really changed anything.

I just nodded. I wanted to hug and kiss everybody but I don't think I had the energy. I was so focused on waiting for Jacob and Dad to come back. What were they talking about? I knew everyone else could hear just fine. Being half-vampire really sucked sometimes.

Mom pulled me into her side and we waited.

Finally, Jacob came back into the house, followed by Dad. He looked straight at me.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"You and Jacob . . . have my blessing."

"Oh, Daddy!" I exclaimed, running and throwing my arms around him. He held me tight against him and I wanted to cry again, but I didn't. "Thank you so, so much! You don't know how much this means! I just want us all to be happy together!"

"So," Alice said in a voice I remembered very well. It made me shiver. "Does that mean that there isn't going to be a wedding?"

"I – I don't think so, Aunt Alice," I said, a little timidly. "We – we weren't thinking about . . . we just want to be married."

"You sound just like your mother," Aunt Alice said, her eyes narrowing. She strutted up to me and I actually clung to my dad then. "You want to get married today, right, Nessie? Here?"

I looked around to my dad and Grandpa Carlisle. I hadn't thought of where. Or how. I just wanted to.

"I – I don't know."

"Renesmee, if I may?" Grandpa Carlisle inquired, and I wanted to hug him. He always had a solution for everything. I looked at Jacob and smiled.

"Hit it, Doctor Vamp," Jake instructed, which wasn't exactly what I would have said, but the sentiment was there.

"You, Renesmee, are in actuality, seven and a half years old. This alone will prevent you from getting legally married. You could, of course, use false documents but that technically wouldn't be legal and marriage licenses can sometimes take up to a week to process."

My stomach thudded. A week? Seven of my precious fourteen days?

"Or," Grandpa Carlisle continued, and I wanted to hug him again. "I can draw up a wedding contract of sorts here and you and Jacob both can sign it and we can have a small ceremony or whatever you wish. It's technically legally binding and from a religious standpoint, you would be considered married. Would that be suitable?"

I looked immediately to Jacob, who was standing next to my dad who I still had my arms around. He just shrugged.

"That's great, Grandpa!"

"Okay, then," Alice said, interrupting again and stepping back into my line of vision. "It's ten o'clock in the morning now. Give me six hours, Nessie, please. It won't be perfection as I'm capable of but it'll be halfway acceptable. Nessie, if you love me at all, please."

Six hours. Six of my hours. Could I do that for my aunt?

I nodded.

"Okay, Aunt Alice, but it had all better be ready by four o'clock or I'm finding Grandpa Carlisle and going ahead with it anyway. Right, Jake?"

"Right, babe," he agreed, in a tone that told me he would have said the exact same thing if I'd said, "Jake's gonna swim the Atlantic, right, Jake?"

Alice squealed loudly for three seconds, hugged me tightly and then let me go.

"All right, all right," she announced loudly, like we all couldn't hear her. Being supernatural and standing five feet away and all. "First thing, it's your wedding day – the bride and groom can't see each other! Nessie, Jacob, close your eyes!"

I spun around quick for one last look at Jacob before Alice's cold hands closed around my eyes like I knew they would. He looked so handsome and – and a little nervous.

"See you soon, Jake!" I called out as Alice began to drag me slowly backwards.

"See you soon, Ness."

Alice scooped me up into her arms to make it easier when we got to the stairs and only put me down when we were safely locked in her room. I opened my eyes to see Mom, Grandma Esme, Aunt Rose and Aunt Alice all looking at me.

"So . . ." I cast around. What exactly did one do on their wedding day before the actual wedding itself? "What now?"

"Now," Alice said, beginning to dig through her closet at vampire speed. "Now, it's all my turf. You just sit back, relax, answer my questions, and do what I tell you to do."

I could do that. I sat in her spinning chair of horrors obediently. Momma came to stand beside me and stroke my hair.

"Nessie," she breathed, leaning down to kiss my cheek. "This is all happening so fast, but . . . but I'm happy for you."

"Thank you, Momma."

"We all are," Grandma Esme added.

"I still don't see why you _had_ to choose the dog, but whatever," Aunt Rose said, rolling her eyes a little. "He wouldn't have left anyway, so I guess it doesn't really matter."

I thought about Jacob and leaving and remembered something.

"I'm not – this wedding stuff isn't – keeping you from anything, is it?" I asked, a little nervously. "Planning stuff?"

"Don't you worry about any of that, Nessie," Mom said quickly.

"We're vampires!" Alice called out, throwing a purple pair of underwear over her head. "We multitask! I'm actually planning about twelve different things right now!"

I laughed. "I had forgot that!"

"Okay, so you want casual, Nessie, right?"

"Oh, yes," I breathed, relieved. "Yes, Aunt Alice, please."

"I can do casual, you know," Alice said, peeping out of her closet at me. "Me and Jasper's wedding was casual. It was still fabulous, of course, but casual."

"Good to know," I said, giggling without knowing why. It probably had something to do with the fact that in six or so odd hours I would be Jacob's wife.

"All right," Alice said, popping back out of the closet to bounce on her toes in front of us. "Clothes are first. Rose, I need you to head over to that god-awful Forks department store and buy anything halfway suitable. You know Nessie's size. Bella, go home and grab all the stuff I bought for you and you didn't wear, which I know is most of it. You and Nessie are close enough it should fit."

They both kissed me and zoomed out of the room.

"Esme, could you please go find anything suitable for Jacob to wear," Alice instructed. She formed it like a question, but it was an instruction. "Check Emmett's stuff – maybe he has some things that can be let out."

"Jacob still has his clothes from the wedding," I chipped in and Alice nodded like it was vaguely interesting but mostly irrelevant. We all knew how Alice felt about repeating outfits.

Grandma Esme nodded and danced away.

"Okay, Nessie," Alice said, turning her attention to me now. "Can I put you in white or have you ruined that for me?"

It took me a second to catch what she meant. When I did, I blushed so hard I felt my face burn.

"Um . . . no," I said shyly. "White is fine."

Alice grinned at me wickedly. "I don't believe in that tradition, you know. Of course, everyone has to wear white at their wedding! I just wanted to know."

"How do you know I wasn't lying?" I shot back, trying to regain some dignity.

"Because you weren't."

She had a fair point. Then Alice took a second to stop and actually talk to me.

"Are you nervous?"

"No," I said immediately, first. Then I thought about tonight. "Yes. I don't know."

"Do you need to know anything?" She asked, helpfully but serious. She wasn't teasing. "You can ask me. I won't even let Edward hear."

"I – I think I'm okay."

"I can't do much byway of decorations," she said then, switching back into wedding-mode which was a relief. "But you probably don't want me to anyway. I'm mostly going to try and focus on getting you some . . . things to wear later."

I don't think I wanted to know what she meant.

I looked at the clock on Alice's phone. 10:30.

Five and a half more hours. What in the hell was I going to do for five and a half more hours?

Aunt Rose and Mom danced back in at about the same time with bags full of things Alice wouldn't let me see, locking me in the bathroom while she went through and pulled suitable things out and packed them away.

11:00. Five more hours.

Alice left to go arrange other things and I apparently wasn't allowed to go. Mom brought me a book and we laid together, me reading while Mom stroked my hair. But it was so hard when Jacob was down there somewhere and we were just _waiting _for no reason.

12:00. Four more hours.

Grandpa Carlisle came in and asked me some things about the contract, what vows I wanted to use, and a bunch of other stuff I really hadn't thought about, didn't care about, or didn't know. I just told him to ask Jake, but he said Jacob had told him to ask me. I told him to stick with something simple. He looked a little burdened as he left, like he was worrying about upsetting one of us, but he wouldn't. Neither of us cared too much about the formalities.

12:30. Three and a half more hours.

Dad came and sat with me, brought this great lunch of baked potato and steak. He assured me Jacob was having the same when I asked, albeit in much larger proportions. I didn't want my wolf going hungry.

We talked a little about nothing until Alice came running in to inquire about rings. I quickly assured her nothing huge (she scoffed and said, "Like they sell anything huge at Lanyard's."), not yellow gold if she could help it, and to please, please not get Jacob anything girly or gaudy.

I told her I preferred silver and she laughed out loud.

"Platinum is the most I'm willing to compromise," she offered and I agreed. When I opened my mouth to give some more input she put her hands up. "I got it. Simple, simple. Okay. I'll see what I can do."

1:30. Two and a half more hours.

Dad kissed my hair and melted away to "be with the men" and just when I was about to go stir-crazy Aunt Alice popped in and told me to hit the shower. Thank God.

I did so gladly, washing my hair again even though I didn't really need to. I needed something to eat time. Since I had already shaved my legs and underarms, I was soon left with nothing to do. I leaned against the shower tile and let the water beat over me for a little bit and thought about tonight.

Would Jake and I stay here? Would my parents let us use the cottage? I didn't think I could . . . do that in the same house with my super-hearing vampire family.

Jacob and I would be married. And then he would finally have no more excuses to stop me. I could see, touch, and taste whatever the hell I wanted. I shivered at the possibility.

I thought about some of the things Jacob told me that day in the car. I thought about how he said he thought about me naked. I really hope he wasn't disappointed by the reality. Although I couldn't think of anything I wanted more, the idea of being naked in front of Jacob terrified me.

I ran my hands over my body, analyzing myself. I liked myself, the way I was made. And so far, Jake did too. But he hadn't seen all of me yet.

I looked down and thought. I hadn't . . . I knew, from first-hand experience, that I wasn't like the women in my family down there. I had . . . hair and they didn't. It was annoying. Would – I blushed even at the thought – would Jacob think so too?

I was a little nervous and felt like I was doing something kind of bad as I picked up the razor and soap, but I told myself to shut up. I was grown, I was getting married. What was wrong with . . . primping yourself for your husband? Nothing.

But still, I shivered again.

I climbed out of the shower a while later, feeling . . . fresh. Alice had laid out a pair of white lace panties and matching bra for me, along with a robe so I pulled all three pieces on. The panties felt strange against me now, closer, but I brushed it off and went out.

I immediately checked the clock.

2:30. An hour and a half.

Oh, God.

And I was alone.

Then someone knocked on the door. I figured it was my dad or one of my uncles until a voice I knew better than any other on the planet asked, "Nessie?"

I nearly flew to the door to tear it open but it wouldn't budge. "Jacob, the door won't open."

"I know," he said, and I think he laughed a little. "I'm holding it. The rules were that I could come talk to you if we didn't open the door."

"That's stupid," I said, feeling a little sulky. If Alice didn't believe in the have-to-be-a-virgin-to-wear-white tradition, why did we have to do this one? "Just open it, Jake."

"Nah, that little pixie scared the hell out of me," he said conversationally. I checked. He was still holding the doorknob tight. "I'll see you soon, Nessie, don't worry. I – I just wanted to talk to you a little."

"Oh," I said, touched. I knew I was making the right decision. "Okay. What's going on downstairs?"

"Nothing much, really," Jacob said, and I knew he was telling the truth. That surprised me. I was expecting extravagance. Simplicity in Alice's mind is usually that. "Alice is actually keeping her chill pretty good, but I've been instructed not to tell you more than that."

I laughed a little. I realized I was leaning right against the crack of the door, my entire body yearning to be closer. I wonder if Jake was too.

"So . . . what have you been doing?"

I don't think I fully realized exactly how amazing Jacob's voice was. I'd been with him all the time the past three months and now that I only had his voice, I really concentrated on it. It was so deep, a little rough. Completely sexy.

"Nothing, really," I told him honestly. "I read some with Momma and ate lunch with Daddy. Grandpa Carlisle came and asked me some questions."

"Yeah, me too," Jake said. "About like, contracts and vows and stuff. I told him I didn't care and to ask you."

"I told him the exact same and then he told me you had said that," I informed him and I think he chuckled a little. "I just really want to sign the papers and . . . and go home."

I wasn't sure what I really meant by that. Here was home, our cottage was home. But . . . I couldn't spend my . . . my wedding night with Jacob here. Not in a house full of my family, who just so happened to be super-hearing vampires.

"I was . . . meaning to ask you about that," Jacob said, sounding a little nervous. I could hear him scraping his feet back and forth against the carpet. "Where do you wanna . . . go tonight?"

I bit my lip while I thought. "I – I don't care, Jacob, just - "

"Somewhere alone," he finished for me. "I know."

He was quiet for a minute.

"Do you have anything particular in mind?" He asked. "Do you . . . care?"

"No," I assured him. "Wherever you decide is fine, Jacob. The forest floor is fine, I – I just want to be with you."

"I – I'll figure something out," Jacob said, and I nodded for a second before I realized he couldn't see it.

"Okay, Jake," I told him. "Don't stress over it."

"So, what are you doing now?"

"I just got out of the shower," I told him, glad he wasn't in front of me when I blushed as I remembered what I'd done. "I – I was just watching the clock."

"Me too," he admitted, quieter than usual. "I miss you."

"I miss you too," I said quietly. "Even now."

"Nessie, I won't ask you again, but . . . are you sure?"

I didn't waste my words or my breath reassuring or explaining since I could tell he already knew. It was just Jacob's nature to make sure about a thousand times when it came to me.

I just said, "Yes."

I could hear him exhale against the door.

"Well . . . I love you," he said then, warming every inch of me. I wanted to be married now. "I think I should go. It's about three now and Alice told me to make it quick so she could come dress you. I – I still need to shower and stuff."

"You don't have to shower for me, Jake," I teased. "It's not like we're getting married or anything. Just come in your sweatpants."

"Yeah, right." I could almost see Jacob rolling his eyes. "That crazy little thing would kill me."

"Okay, well . . . I love you too," I said back, popping up onto my tiptoes for some reason like it would bring us closer. "I'll see you in an hour."

"If I make it that long," Jacob returned. "Bye, honey. I'll see you soon."

"Bye, Jake."

I stood at the door and listened to his footsteps fade away and a small, lighter pair speed closer. Alice nearly barreled me over as she flung the door open and came flying in.

"Okay, are you ready to get dressed for your wedding?"

Dressed. For my wedding. My wedding. To Jacob. Where I would get married.

I took a deep, steadying breath. I tried to force down all the butterflies flying around in my stomach, but I couldn't.

"I'm ready."

* * *

**Coming up:**

"You may kiss your bride."

Oh, oh, oh.

Jacob leaned forward, slowly, so slowly, slower even than the first time he kissed me. He reached up and cupped my face gently with his left hand and I could feel where the ring was, cool beside the heat of his skin.

Then he leaned in, lips closed, and kissed me. It was the softest, gentlest, chastest, most amazing, most spectacular kiss I'd ever had.

And it was over in two seconds.


	45. In Which They Do

**_A/N:_** Okay, here it is: The Wedding Chapter. I do hope you like the title. Um . . . and the wedding. I'm going to go ahead and warn you, once again so I don't get flamed, that "It" is not next chapter. I swear it's coming, but this wedding day seriously ended up spanning six chapters. I didn't plan it like that, but it's what Jake and Nessie decided to do. And who can argue with Jake, really?

Hm . . . besides that, there's really not much else to say now except I hope you enjoy, but please still give feedback even if you don't. Oh, and also peeps, please keep adding me on twitter and joining and commenting **Alphas and Imprints**. I haven't figured out how to reply to comment yet, but I will. :D

Oh, and I'm sure this goes without say since y'all aren't idiots, but: when you leave me anonymous reviews, I can't reply to you! And I love replying to you! So please, if you have an account, sign in so I know who you are and can reply. Pwetty, pwetty pwease wif suga on top?

Now go read the wedding goodness.

**_Disclaimer:_** Would you believe that I'm SM from another dimension? You wouldn't? Well, it that case, I do not own anything. :D

* * *

In Which They Do

* * *

_it's too late, baby, there's no turning around  
i've got my hands in my pockets and my head in the clouds_

_- boys like girls, hero/heroine_

-

"Well, come here then and let me dry your hair," Aunt Alice commanded, guiding me down into her spinning chair just as Mom, Grandma Esme and Aunt Rose came in, already dressed.

I was glad to see they were all dressed relatively normally. About how Aunt Alice would have them dress on a daily basis, but would be considered much too formal for most people. Silk wrap-dresses, of course.

Thank God she didn't have them matching like bridesmaids or I would've had to say something about that. I already told Grandpa Carlisle I didn't really want to do the whole walk-down-the-aisle and procession thing. It just seemed like a way to waste some more of my precious left-over Jacob time.

Aunt Alice dried my hair until it laid in nice ringlets all down my back. Then she smoothed some oil or something over it and started pulling on it. I kept my eyes open this time, just in case she tried to do something too extravagant but she didn't. She just twisted the top part of my hair back and secured it, leaving a few curls loose by my temples.

It was similar to the way I'd done my hair on my first date with Jacob, except of course Alice-ified and much more gorgeous.

"Now make-up," Alice announced. And before I could say anything, "Light, I know."

She applied mascara and I think some light eyeliner. She did something with a pencil anyway – you couldn't really tell when she pulled back except that my eyes looked a little bigger. She put some eye shadow too, just like it was for the wedding, very light and mostly shimmery.

When she reached for a tube of lipstick, I stopped her.

"Wait," I told her, holding a hand out. Something on the counter had caught my eye. "What is that?"

"What?" Alice said, looking a little upset that I'd slowed her roll.

Momma picked it up from where it sat beside her leg since she was perched on the counter. "This?"

"Yeah."

"That's lip balm, Nessie," Alice said. "It's not formal. You need lipstick or at least gloss."

"But what kind is it?"

Mom checked the label. "Pomegranate."

I made my decision. "I want it."

"But Nessie, it doesn't _go_."

"Fine," I relented. "But I have a gloss I want to use. It's pink."

"Fine," Aunt Alice agreed. "Where is it?"

"In my bag."

Grandma Esme helpfully went to go get it. I held my hand out for the tin of lip balm and Momma handed it over. I looked at Aunt Alice.

"Can I have it?"

She looked a little taken aback, but she nodded and took it from my hand. "Sure. I'll put it with your stuff."

I couldn't help but smile. Pomegranates. Jacob would like that.

Grandma Esme came back with my half-empty tube of gloss. "Is this the one?"

I nodded and held my hand out for it. She gave it to me and I thanked her, opening it and applying it with what was now expert ease. I didn't even need a mirror.

Everyone just kind of looked at me.

"That's a new talent," Mom said, smiling a little and looking a little sad. I just smiled back since I didn't know what to say.

"That's actually not half bad," Alice admitted, holding her hand out for the gloss. "Let me see the brand."

I handed it out so she could examine it and she didn't give it back. "I'll stick this with your stuff too. Come on, let's get you dressed."

My nerves doubled when I saw the clock said 3:45. Fifteen more minutes. My heart sped up.

My vampire family smiled.

Alice stripped me of my robe and I realized I felt a little self-conscious. I never had before standing in front of them like this. It had been three months, though.

Aunt Alice dipped into the closet and came out with a white sundress. She knelt down with it so I could step inside and pulled it up. She adjusted it and zipped it up the back. Mom, Grandma Esme, and Aunt Rose just watched with half-happy, half-sad eyes as Aunt Alice led me to a mirror.

I was a little taken aback. I looked really nice.

The bust of the dress kind of wrapped, covering most of my cleavage but dipping low on my chest. It was tight on my upper waist and then loosened a little, flaring out. It hung to just above my knees, and the fabric wasn't exactly smooth, raising in places to form patterns.

The only problem was the straps. Or lack thereof. They barely covered my bra. I – I couldn't go out in front of people like that.

"Don't even say anything, Nessie," Aunt Alice said quickly, since she was Alice and always knew everything. "It's not that bad and there's nobody down there you're not related to or not about to be related to."

I decided she was right, but if I found out we were going to have to pass people to get to where Jacob was taking me, I was finding a shawl or a jacket. I shuddered when I thought about what would happen when we got where Jacob was taking me.

"It's beautiful, Aunt Alice," I decided, not wanting to be difficult. It was. "Thank you."

"Now shoes," Aunt Alice instructed, bringing out some reasonable looking white sandal-type heels. I slipped them on and moved up to Mom's level.

Mom turned me around and hugged me to her, her cold skin making me shiver a little. I still wasn't used to it again.

"I have something for you," she murmured against my ear, pulling away.

I looked down to see her holding out a silver bracelet. From one side hung a huge, heart-shaped diamond and the other side – a small, miniature wooden wolf carving.

"Oh," I said softly, reaching my hand out for it. Mom's nimble vampire fingers attached it quickly – it hung a little loose on my wrist, the diamond and wolf pressing onto opposite sides of my hand.

"It was a gift," Mom said quietly, fingering the chain-link of the bracelet. "From Jacob for my graduation. He – he carved it himself, and – and Edward added the diamond later. I want you to have it."

"W-why?"

"Because it represents both sides of you," she explained. I felt like I wanted to cry without understanding why. "I don't want you to forget either."

"I won't, Momma," I promised her. "I love Jake so much, but I love you too. It – "

"I know, sweetie," Mom shushed me, reaching up to brush the corner of my eye with cold fingers. "I know. Now don't cry or you'll mess up your makeup and Alice will kill me."

"I love you," I said suddenly, loudly. "I love you all so much!"

Aunt Rose hugged me to her tightly, and Grandma Esme stroked my hair and kissed my cheek.

"We love you too, Renesmee," Grandma Esme said. "You don't – you don't know how happy you've made us."

"All right," Aunt Alice said, reaching forward and handing something to Mom. "Kiss her one more time and get into place. We'll be there in a minute."

My heart started doing flips. Everyone obeyed Aunt Alice, their breath hitching the whole time, and then with one last look to my Mom, they filed out of the door.

Aunt Alice turned to me.

"Your dress is new," she said softly. "I bought it just before we left. I felt like I should but I – I didn't know why. Your bracelet is old. I want the shoes back, and your hairclip is blue."

I smiled when I got it.

"Something old, something new – "

"Something borrowed, something blue," Aunt Alice finished for me, and held out her hand. I took it. "I – I'm so proud of you, Nessie, and I love you so much. I just wanted to tell you that. I'm sorry if I bothered you today, I just wanted you to have as nice of a wedding as you could."

I didn't want to cry again, so I bit it back.

"No, Aunt Alice," I told her. "Thank you. It's – I understand."

"Okay," Aunt Alice said, and then her breath hitched and she tried to cover it up by laughing. "Kiss me then and let me get dressed really fast."

I did, and then she did. And when she said really fast, that's what she meant. My half-vampire eyes could barely follow her as she sped around the room and forty-five seconds later she was standing in front of me, fully dressed.

"Give me your hand," she instructed me, and I did. She dropped something heavy into it. "It's Jacob's ring."

My heart fluttered.

I brought my hand closer to study it – it was silver-colored, though I'm sure it wasn't silver, and large since it was for Jacob. There was this awesome woven pattern going around it. It didn't look normal. I dropped it onto my thumb and it hung two-times too big. It was perfectly Jacob.

In a few minutes, I would put this on Jacob's finger.

"Do you think he'll like it?"

"Of course he will," I told her. "Everybody always likes it, Aunt Alice."

She smiled.

"Last thing," she told me, gesturing for me. "Come here."

I did and was surprised when her cold fingers came up to wipe my mouth. Then, a second later, they were there again, applying something. When she pulled away, I ran my tongue along the inside of my lips to see what it was.

I tasted pomegranates.

I'm still not sure why this made the urge to cry as strong as it did.

"You deserve to wear what you want to your wedding," Aunt Alice told me, just as there was a knock at the door.

"Everybody decent?" Uncle Jasper's voice asked from the other side of the door.

I forced the tears back.

"Yes!" I called back, my voice breaking a little. "Come in!"

Uncle Jasper did then, followed quickly by Uncle Emmett.

"We just wanted a chance to hug you, little girl," Uncle Emmett said, his voice exceptionally quiet. "You know, before you went and grew up on us."

"Well, get over here," I told him, Aunt Alice shouting at him to watch the hair before he gripped me into a bear hug.

Uncle Jasper hugged me next, quickly, and then pulled away. I felt his love for me again, comforting, reassuring.

"You're ready, Nessie," he said, which comforted me. He would know better than anyone else. "Don't be nervous."

I just nodded. Then they left.

I looked at the clock. 4:00.

My heart was beating in my throat.

Aunt Alice took my arm and led me out into the hall. Then she pulled me, not towards the stairs like I expected, but towards the door of Grandpa Carlisle's study.

"Here?"

Aunt Alice nodded. Then she opened the door, just a smidge.

"Are you ready?"

I was more ready than I'd ever been. I reached forward and pushed the door the rest of the way open.

I just kind of stood there, in the doorway for a second, taking everything in. Jacob's huge ring still clenched in my palm. I didn't know what to do with it, so I just held it in my fist.

The room was pretty much the same as it always was. My entire family was standing around Grandpa Carlisle's desk, which had been moved into the center of the room. It was completely clear except for a sheet of paper and one pen.

Grandpa Carlisle stood behind the desk, like the preacher at the end of an aisle. I guess this was my aisle. Two chintz armchairs sat in front of the desk at the end of it. Jacob was in one of them.

The other one was for me. Now if only my feet would move.

I noticed Alice was standing with my family and that was when I realized I was alone.

Jacob turned, twisting in his chair and his eyes hit on me and everything stopped. I know, it's cheesy, it's been used a thousand times, but everything stopped. My heart, my breath, the world stopping spinning, all for me in those two seconds.

I was getting married. I was about to be Jacob's wife.

I started walking. I couldn't take my eyes off of Jacob, and he didn't take his off me. He just watched me in a way that probably would have made me uncomfortable before but now I was just frozen.

Something was about to happen. Something very, very bad. A bomb was about to drop on the house or _something_ because there was no way in hell I could be getting what I wanted, exactly like this, so amazing and perfect and nothing happen.

Next thing I knew, I was standing in front of the desk, feet away from Jacob. He looked like he wanted to reach for me but he didn't.

"Renesmee," Grandpa Carlisle said evenly and I forced my eyes off of Jacob. "Please sit."

I did.

"Renesmee and Jacob, are you both aware that you are here today to be married?"

I nodded. I think Jacob did too, but I didn't look, because if I did I knew I wouldn't be able to look away.

"Who gives this woman to be married to this man?"

"I do."

My head snapped around at my Dad's voice. He was standing on the left side of the desk, closest to me, beside Momma. I wanted to say something to him but the words wouldn't come. He reached out and touched my shoulder once, very briefly, and I don't think I would forget the look that passed between us.

"Jacob, do you take Renesmee to be your wife?"

My eyes snapped to Jacob, and I saw he was watching me. I almost couldn't breathe. We were so close, our chairs touching, our arms inches apart. I wanted to touch him, but I was afraid I would break the spell. That it would be the action that took the dream a step too close to perfect and snatched you awake.

"I do."

Jacob's voice didn't waver, didn't break. He didn't hesitate, his eyes on me the entire time. It was the most beautiful thing I'd ever heard.

"Will you sign your name to solidify this oath?"

"Yes."

Jacob reached forward, picked up the pen, and signed his name quickly onto the bottom of the right side of the paper. He set the pen down and sat back up. My stomach was in knots. My heart was whipping around my body. I was so close.

"Renesmee," Grandpa Carlisle said, and I snapped my eyes back to Jacob, knowing what was coming. I wanted to look at him when I said it. "Do you take Jacob to be your husband?"

I do. Of course I do. A hundred, thousand, million times I do.

Say it, Nessie. Say it.

"I – I do."

Ah.

"Will you sign your name to solidify this oath?"

I couldn't speak, so I just reached forward and took the pen. It was still warm from Jacob's hand. I signed my name, just to the left of Jacob's scrawl.

I signed it Nessie. Nessie Cullen. It would be the last time I did that.

"Renesmee, please place Jacob's ring on his finger."

I turned to Jacob, my hands almost shaking a little. I wasn't sure I could do that. I wasn't sure if I could touch him here, now, in front of everyone and keep from coming unhinged.

Jacob had never looked at me the way he was looking at me now, not even in the hotel the night Billy died. I never wanted him to look at me any other way ever again.

I reached out for his left hand and he gave it to me. His hand was hot, so hot, and heavy in mine. The skin of his palm felt so nice in mine, like home, like it never belonged anywhere else.

The ring slid perfectly on.

"Jacob, please place Renesmee's ring on her finger."

Jacob's hand reached slowly but surely for mine, completely steady. His hand almost swallowed mine as he slid the most beautiful ring onto my finger.

"I now pronounce you, Jacob and Renesmee, husband and wife."

Something unraveled inside of me, hard and fast, like a dam breaking. I didn't want to scream or cry or dance, I just wanted to be. Here. Oh, wow. It was amazing. I was Jacob's. I was his wife. He was my husband. Oh.

"You may kiss your bride."

Oh, oh, oh.

Jacob leaned forward, slowly, so slowly, slower even than the first time he kissed me. He reached up and cupped my face gently with his left hand and I could feel where the ring was, cool beside the heat of his skin.

Then he leaned in, lips closed, and kissed me. It was the softest, gentlest, chastest, most amazing, most spectacular kiss I'd ever had.

And it was over in two seconds.

Jacob pulled back and looked at me, his hand still against my cheek and the dam inside me rushed.

I launched myself at him, burying my face in his neck and wrapping my arms tight around his back. Jacob's arms came around me tight, squeezing me so hard I couldn't breathe.

We were really here. This had really just happened.

Jacob smelled a thousand times better than usual. His body was a thousand times warmer against me. His arms were a thousand times stronger.

"Jacob."

"Nessie."

That was it. I should have probably had more to say, but I didn't. I just held him to me for what I think was a very long time, but was probably only a few seconds. Jacob's hands began to rub up and down my back.

"I think there are some people who've got some stuff to say to us," he murmured into my ear.

Oh, my family. I had completely forgotten. I forced myself to pull away. Jacob stood, keeping one of my hands in his, and we turned to face everyone.

I stepped immediately towards my dad, Jacob shadowing me.

"Daddy?"

He just reached forward and grabbed me tight in a cold embrace, holding me for a few seconds before he released me. Then Momma, who's breath was hitching again. I hugged everyone a few times, took a few words, but everything was kind of a blur.

I was so focused on Jacob, even when he was out of my sight, standing just behind me. I was so aware of his every single movement: when he shifted his weight, took a step forward or back, brushed back his hair. I couldn't think about anything except the shift that had just occurred, the change that had just been made.

Somehow we made it to the car. I remember being surprised when we stepped outside that it was still daylight; so much time had passed since this morning.

"All your stuff is inside," Aunt Alice informed me, then hugged me.

Then Mom did again, then Aunt Rose. Jacob opened the passenger door for me and helped me inside, shutting the door securely once he made sure all of me was in.

And for two seconds in the middle of all of this, I was alone. Then the next heartbeat later Jacob was seated beside me and we were pulling away. I looked back one last time at my family, who were all standing there, coupled up.

Now we were too.

I hadn't spoken to Jacob since I pulled out of his embrace to greet my family, and now I didn't know what to say. What did you say to your husband on your wedding . . . well, not technically night, but you get the picture.

Jacob didn't say anything either, just reached over to grasp my hand as he we pulled out of the drive. I watched how our hands looked together as I thought of something to say. My skin made his look so dark, his making mine light. The ring looked wonderful – I really would have to kiss Aunt Alice the next time I saw her.

It was a thin, probably platinum band, with diamonds set completely around it. They were set into the ring, so it didn't raise up. Simple, small, not flashy. Absolutely perfect. Almost as perfect as I felt right now.

I was surprised to feel the car slide to a stop on the side of the road, extremely close to the place Jacob and I had stopped earlier today. Had it really been today?

Jacob let go of my hand and got out of the car, not saying a word to me the whole time. Were we here? Is this where he was taking me? A second later Jacob opened my door and pulled me gently out of the car.

As soon as I was out, the words to ask what we were doing on the tip of my tongue, Jacob had lifted me and crashed me into him, his lips finding mine fervently. I was shocked, beyond shocked, but pleased too. I wrapped my arms around Jacob and threw myself into kissing my husband.

"I've – I've been dying – to do that – since you – signed the – paper."

I touched Jacob's face, opening the connection between us to flash him just a taste of my joy right now. I pulled back a little, slowly lightening the kiss until I could find the strength to pull away. I couldn't manage too far, though; I kept our foreheads pressed together.

"I'm so happy, Jacob," I whispered, kissing him again. "I'm so, so happy."

"Nessie, I can't even explain to you what I am right now," Jacob said back roughly. His face was so beautiful and it was mine. "I – I love you so fucking much."

"Me too," I told him, kissing the corners of his lips. "I love you so fucking much, Jacob, sometimes I can't even see."

Jacob kissed me again then, hard, for a few more seconds before he set me down. My legs felt weak.

Thank God Forks roads were always empty or we would've just given a few people quite a show.

Jacob helped me back into the car, got into his side, cranked the car and pulled away almost like nothing had happened. I gave Jacob my hand when he reached for it, and neither of us said anything. Jacob kept running his fingers across mine, his fingers playing across the ring like he was making sure it was still there.

When we past the second and only hotel in town, I found my voice.

"Jacob, where are we going?"

He looked at me, a little confused. "You don't know?"

I shook my head. Jacob's lips twitched a little like he wanted to smile, but he didn't say anything so I took that to mean I would have to wait. Something clicked when Jacob's flipped the turn signal at the turn-off to La Push.

We were going to Jacob's house.

* * *

**Coming up:**

"I had a lot of spare time today," he said, his fingers playing back and forth between the bracelet and the ring on my finger inches away. "To sit around and think about you."

Then Jacob reached down and pulled one of the sunflowers out of the bouquet in my lap. I watched as he broke one of the long stems off, and then understood when he reached up with his free hand to brush my hair back. He tucked the stem behind my ear.

The petals were soft, brushing against the corner of my eye and for some reason this made the tears spill over.

"Thank you so much, Jacob," I said, throwing myself into his arms and probably squishing the flowers between us. "Thank you so, so much."


	46. In Which There are Bracelets and Flowers

**_A/N:_** All right my lovely readers, here's another awaited chapter and we're drawing closer still. The next chapter is where everything . . . starts, but not where it finishes. Some things had to happen first, as you'll see. The next two chapters were meant to be one but they just grew past what was acceptable and I had to split them. This is some pre-wedding night fluff, but it's not just fluff for the sake of it. I wanted to write Jake and Nessie's wedding day/night exactly how I pictured it happening, not skipping over anything, especially when they were alone. So don't worry, you won't get a fade to black.

Um . . . I don't know what people do exactly on their wedding nights, besides the obvious, so bear with me here. This is how I see Jacob and Nessie's going down. These chapters have been written for months and I've been just _waiting _until it was time to post them.

Besides that, there's not much else to say. Please keep subscribing and commenting on **Alphas and Imprints**, and feel free to send me any food wolf/imprint fic you may come across. If you would be so kind. :)

**_Disclaimer:_** I don't own it. I don't even know what I'm _doing_. Oh, but kudos to the few who guessed that the 'bracelet and sunflowers' comment would come back - y'all are good.

**_

* * *

_**

In Which There are Quileute Bracelets and Sunflowers

* * *

_can you be everything i need you to be?  
can you protect me like a daughter?  
can you love me like a father?  
can you drink me like water?  
say i'm like the desert  
only way hotter_

_- jewel, good day_

-

"I – " I stuttered as we pulled into Jacob's front yard. "I didn't even – I never even considered – "

"Well, this is my house," Jacob said quietly as he cut the engine. "And now it is legally mine, so it just made sense. I mean, if you – if you'd rather go somewhere else, we can – "

"No!" I exclaimed, reaching for Jacob's hand. "No, Jacob, it's – it's so perfect. I just can't believe it didn't even occur to me."

Of course Jacob's house would be empty now. With – with Billy . . . gone.

"Really?"

I nodded, and I wasn't lying. Right now I couldn't even fathom the possibility of not spending my – my wedding night with Jacob here. My life with Jacob here. In his house.

"Well . . . let's go, then."

I got out before Jacob could come around to my side to help me, but he just shot me a look and went around to the trunk. He unloaded two large bags and what I recognized as our backpacks and I watched as he set them outside his door.

I shut the trunk for him and he clicked the car locked, motioning for me to walk to him which I did. Jacob stooped down and reached under the mat I'd got him for his last birthday that said 'Wipe your paws' and pulled out a battered looking key.

"Wait here," he told me, shooting me a look as he unlocked the door and swung it open.

I watched as he gathered up all the bags in his huge arms, carrying them pretty easily past where I could see into the house. Ten seconds later, he was back.

"Okay," he said to me, which I took to mean I could come in now, but when I made to step forward he held out a hand to stop me. "I'm not sure that's how this works."

I was confused. Again.

Then Jacob leaned down and swept me up into his arms . . . well, bridal-style.

I got it. And I wanted to kiss him again.

"Watch your head, honey," he told me quietly as he carried me through the small doorway of his house and inside. I reached up to kiss his lips once softly before he set me down in the living room.

Then we just kind of stopped and looked at each other. What did we do now? That? Right now?

I settled for leaning forward into Jacob's chest, and he cradled me into his arms.

"Are you hungry?"

I was a little, actually, so I nodded. "Is there anything?"

"I think so, actually," Jacob said, taking me by the head and leading me a few feet away to the kitchen. He let my hand go when we got there to open the refrigerator and investigate.

"Yeah, it looks like a pretty good haul," he told me, shutting the fridge door and opening the freezer. "Rach's been taking good care of the place."

Oh. Rachel.

"Is – is she here?"

"No," Jacob said, laughing a little and shooting me the best smile. "She's staying with Paul – she has been."

'Since Billy died' hung unspoken in the air.

"Oh," I said, since I had nothing else to say. "Do you – do you want me to fix something?"

"Na-uh," Jake said, reaching into the refrigerator and grabbing some hamburger meat that looked like it had been left there to defrost. "I'm gonna cook."

"You?"

"I'm gonna make you the Black's World Famous Secret Spaghetti Recipe," Jacob informed me, and I could _hear_ the capital letters. He went to the cabinet and pulled out a box of spaghetti and two jars of Ragu.

"I don't think Ragu counts as a World Famous Secret Recipe, Jacob," I told him, smiling a little. I was so happy.

Jacob smiled back, but it was a little sad, like he was remembering something. Then he rolled his eyes and pulled an old pot from one of the bottom cabinets and set it to filling in the sink.

"Just let me do what I do, woman."

I nodded in sarcastic concession and watched as Jacob set the half-full pot on the stove and turned it on. The ring on his finger was a complete contract to his dark skin, and it kept catching my eye. My stomach tightened every time.

I was surprised that Jacob looked like he knew what he was doing. Once the water was set to boil, his hands went down to his dress shirt and started unbuttoning it. He was dressed exactly the same as the day we ran from the wedding, in black dress pants and a white button-down.

He pulled the shirt out of his pants when he got it undone and set it on the back of one of the kitchen chairs. He stepped out of his shoes and socks too, sticking them under the chair. I couldn't help but watch his arms the entire time, his chest, his stomach from under the "undershirt".

I stepped out of my heels too and set them neatly beside Jacob's shoes. I looked up to see Jacob watching me.

"What?"

"You look so beautiful, Nessie."

I felt myself go red, even though he'd told me that a thousand times before. "Thank you."

"I swear I almost ran across the room and grabbed you when you came through those doors earlier," he said, walking forward and wrapping an arm around my waist. My body bowed against him, like it always did. "I – I know the papers and vows and stuff are important but I just wanted it to be over so bad so I could have you alone."

My breathing sped up. Now?

"You have me alone now."

"I do," Jacob said, and then his grip on my waist loosened and I knew it wasn't now. "Are you comfortable?"

"I'm fine, Jake," I said, smiling at his sweet concern. "Don't worry."

"Do you want to change or something?" He asked me, and that's when I realized that I probably should. Or shouldn't I? What was I _supposed _to do? "I think Alice gave you a department store full of options, but you've still got your Wal-Mart pajamas too."

I didn't know much, but I knew enough to know that I definitely wasn't supposed to wear my Wal-Mart pajamas.

"O-okay," I decided. "I guess I'll change."

Jacob released me, walking over to where our bags were. Well, my bags. He stopped and turned to me.

"Do you – the, the master bedroom is bigger and – and so's the bed and it's got its own bathroom. It's small and the shower is handicap, but – "

"No, Jacob," I told him quickly, reaching out to touch his arm. I saw him relax immediately and I knew he had been dreading me saying yes to that offer. I couldn't do that. I wouldn't make Jacob sleep in Billy's bed, and I didn't _want_ to. I wanted to sleep with Jacob in his bed. "No. I want to . . . to stay in your room."

Jacob looked like he was going to kiss me again, but he just picked up the bags and carried them into his room. It was clean, cleaner than even the day Jacob and I had done it. The carpet had been vacuumed, the sheets washed, everything dusted and set neatly away. I didn't even see my X-box.

Jacob stacked the bags neatly in the only free corner and set the backpacks beside them.

"Okay," he said, straightening up when he was done. "You need anything?"

"I'm going to go get the stuff from the kitchen," I told him, gesturing my head back to the way I was heading. I skipped back, gathered Jacob's shirt, his shoes and mine and rushed back. Jacob was watching me with slightly amused eyes.

"You don't have to clean up my stuff," he told me.

"I know," I said, forcing myself to roll my eyes even though I didn't want to. "I like to, and if I didn't, nothing would ever get done."

Jacob reached out and touched my face and my stomach quivered. "I'll leave you to get changed – I wouldn't want to burn the water."

I laughed and Jacob left, shutting the door quietly behind him. I was alone in Jacob's room. And I needed to change, but into what? I was more than sure Alice had given me some options.

I unzipped my dress and laid it neatly on the freshly made bed, then went to the top suitcase and opened it. There was a note on top. It said in Alice's perfect handwriting, _Wear this tonight. _

I moved it out of the way to see white silk. I lifted it to see the smallest, shortest, skimpiest looking nightgown I'd ever seen in my life. It was beautiful, yes, but there was no way in hell I was brave enough to wear that in front of Jacob. Not yet, anyway.

I dug through the suitcase to find all my other options were just as outrageous. And I didn't want to just wear my pajamas. I cast around and my eyes laid on Jacob's dress shirt. He did say he liked me in his clothes . . . and it was white . . .

Yes. Yes, a much better option.

I looked down at myself in my white bra and panties – if things went as planned, Jacob would be seeing them by the end of tonight. He – he had never seen me in my underwear before. And really, I know brides are supposed to wear white and all, but my skin was white enough.

I went back to the bag to look for some other bra and panty options. They were all in sets, matching. My eyes were drawn, of course, to the emerald green one, and I pulled it out. If I knew Alice, and I did, it was my exact size. I pulled them on and sure enough, they were.

The panties and bra were both lace but not transparent, which was comforting. The bra was mostly normal, but a little fancy looking and the panties covered everything that really needed to be covered, except they cut a little high in the back.

But Jake would probably like that. I blushed hard at the thought.

I pulled Jacob's shirt on over my body before it could get any worse. I took my time to neatly roll the sleeves up, so I at least looked a little presentable and I tucked my bra, panties, and dress away. I stacked my and Jacob's shoes neatly against the wall, sticking his socks inside.

I went to the mirror to examine myself – standing on the bed to see my entire body – and was struck with the dilemma of buttons. How many to do up? I – I couldn't go out there with it undone, but – I, I really wanted to be . . . sexy for Jake. I know he thought I was attractive, all the time, but I wanted to make an effort too.

I did them all up and then started undoing them one by one, deciding how brave I really was.

I undid one at the bottom and two and the top and decided that was enough. You could just see a little cleavage when I shifted but not my bra. I hopped off the bed and straightened the covers before I could agonize over it anymore. I could smell meat cooking from the kitchen. Not burning, but actually cooking. Jake was better than he let on.

The last thing I did before I went out to the living room was undo my hair, letting the curls fall around my face. I knew Jacob liked that. I unattached my bracelet from Mom too and set it on Jacob's dresser. I only wanted to be wearing one piece of jewelry right now and it was on my finger.

I took a breath and opened the door.

I could just see Jacob standing over the stove, stirring something in a pan. The sauce, probably. I gathered my nerve and started to walk over to where he was.

Jacob looked up when I got to the doorway and eyes changed. I waited patiently, but a little self-consciously, as Jacob's eyes raked over my body.

"You look good, Nessie," Jacob said finally, his voice low.

"You like it?" I asked, then decided why not. Jacob was my husband; I could tell him the truth. "Alice gave me something specific to wear, but I – I couldn't."

"This is better," Jacob said, without hesitation. Without even knowing what the other option was. "I like you in my clothes."

"I know you do," I told him, my face heating up. "So, what are you doing?"

"I'm almost done," he told me, looking down at the pan in front of him. He cut the stove off and moved it back. "The sauce is done and I'm just waiting on the noodles. You can even go ahead and sit down if you want."

"Do you need help?"

"No," Jacob refused, shaking his head. "Go ahead and sit down."

I obeyed him, taking a seat at the kitchen table in the chair that was facing him so I could continue to watch him work. I added cooking to my Jacob-list.

I brushed my hair back from my face and played with my ring while Jacob drained the noodles, pulled something out of the oven, took some plates out of the cabinet. I wanted to offer to help him again but I knew he wouldn't let me.

A few seconds later Jacob had set two glasses of Coke and two plates heaped full with spaghetti and garlic toast on the table and was settling himself down in front of me.

He handed me a fork with an almost shy expression.

"If you don't like it, we'll order pizza."

I ignored him and reached out to twirl some onto my fork. I blew it for a second to cool it off, Jacob watching my face the whole time, and then tasted it. It was surprisingly good.

"I'm proud of you, Jake," I told him, and he beamed. "This is really good."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," I told him, reaching out with my foot to touch his under the table. He jumped a little in shock but then relaxed into my touch. "You've been holding out on me. I didn't know you could cook."

"I can't really," Jacob said, sliding his foot a little further under mine. "I pulled some toast out of a bag and stuck it in the oven and boiled some noodles."

"And cooked some meat," I reminded him, smiling.

"And cooked some meat," he agreed.

Could . . . could this be our life? Just me and Jacob, living and cooking and being together in this one place, Jacob's house, forever? Visiting my family everyday since they were so close?

Then I remembered the reason we were married today, so soon. My fourteen days, every second taking away from them.

I took another bite of Jacob's spaghetti to distract myself, and a bite of toast, washing it down with Coke. Jacob dug in then too, eating much faster than me, of course. He kept his foot under mine the whole time.

"Do you – do you still want to go hunting tomorrow?" Jacob asked after a little comfortable silence. "Since Carlisle said you should? I don't want you to get sick."

"I – I don't think I'll get sick, Jacob," I comforted him, but it was the truth. "But I'll go if you want me to."

"We can go together, just me and you, or we can invite Edward like you wanted."

Jacob was literally the sweetest guy ever. There was no way I was sharing him with anybody for the next twenty-four hours.

"Just me and you, Jake," I told him simply. "Just me and you."

He just nodded, and everything was quiet for another few minutes. I ate a little after I was full since I didn't want to insult Jake, but he still finished first like he always did. I felt a little nervous as Jacob took our plates to the sink.

He didn't wash them, just left them there, and walked back to stand in front of me. He shifted his weight and held his hand out for me. I gave it to him and he pulled me up.

"I have a present for you," he said finally, kind of avoiding my eyes. "It's not much, but . . ."

I was so touched. I felt horrible for not getting him anything. It hadn't even occurred to me. Nothing ever did. Nothing except the horrible things.

"Oh, Jake," I told him, reaching up to touch his mostly-bare shoulder. "That's so sweet. I – I didn't get you anything, I'm sorry – "

"No, no, Nessie, don't worry about it," Jacob said hurriedly, kind of guiding me into the living room. "Mine isn't even anything, I just . . . I remembered what you said . . ."

Jacob trailed off as he guided me to the couch and we sat down. He reached out and picked a bouquet of huge sunflowers off the table – I had no idea how I hadn't seen them before – and handed them to me.

"And – "

Jacob reached into his pocket and pulled out a small woven bracelet. I had one just like it that didn't fit anymore, but this one was new and just my size.

Then I remembered what I told Jacob the night he found the hickey on my neck. About me not liking diamond rings and roses. I hadn't even remembered, but Jacob had. I was just talking, trying to make an example, but . . . this was so perfect.

I felt tears well up into my eyes.

"Nessie, what – "

"Can you put it on?" I asked him, my voice cracking a little, and he nodded. Jacob slipped it on and tightened it, so it sat perfectly on my wrist. "Did – did you make this?"

"I had a lot of spare time today," he said, his fingers playing back and forth between the bracelet and the ring on my finger inches away. "To sit around and think about you."

Then Jacob reached down and pulled one of the sunflowers out of the bouquet in my lap. I watched as he broke one of the long stems off, and then understood when he reached up with his free hand to brush my hair back. He tucked the stem behind my ear.

The petals were soft, brushing against the corner of my eye and for some reason this made the tears spill over.

"Thank you so much, Jacob," I said, throwing myself into his arms and probably squishing the flowers between us. "Thank you so, so much."

"I'm just so glad you like it," Jacob said into my ear, his arms holding me tight. "I'm so glad every time I do something that makes you happy, Nessie."

"You make me happy, Jacob," I told him, pressing my lips to his neck, his shoulder, anything available to me.

"I can't believe you married me."

"I was about to say the same thing."

Jacob pulled back and kissed me softly, his fingers finding their way into my hair and the other hand reaching around to touch the small of my back. I pressed my hands into either side of his neck and turned my head a little to taste him better.

My heart was thrumming so fast, desire was beating in my body like a pulse. I – I wanted Jacob. I wanted him. And now he was my husband, finally, the only person in the world allowed to see me or touch me and when I pushed I knew he wouldn't stop me this time.

I pulled away from Jacob's lips, not breathless but breathing hard. I knew the weight of the words I was about to say, I knew what would follow if I said them. I kissed him one more time.

"Do you want to go to your room, Jacob?"

* * *

**Coming up:**

I leaned in and kissed Jacob hard, once.

"You can look," Jacob told me, his face nervous but still beautiful, when I pulled away. "If you want."

I had permission, so I slowly let my eyes slide down his broad chest and amazing stomach. I forced my eyes to go slow, to prepare myself. I lingered on the line of his hips, where they dipped down, before I moved my eyes down past where I had seen before.

I'd seen diagrams in my studies, of course. I knew what all the parts were and how they worked, scientifically, at least. But I'd never seen Jacob. Just that fact that it was Jacob was enough to make it amazing, but there was more than that.


	47. In Which Jacob Gasps

**_A/N: _**Okay, here it is: it's here. This is the start of it. I'm going to make the statement for everyone so I don't get flamed -** it gets graphic from here on out, people.** Okay? I'm not gonna say "If you're not 18, don't read - ooh, squicky, squicky" because that's stupid. We start watching R rated movies at 12 and there's no telling what else we've seen on the internet and at school.

I am _not _encouraging teenagers to have sex or anyone to have sex at all. As you will notice, my characters are married. They've made an important, long-term commitment to each other. And they're fictional. As much as I'd like to wish otherwise, they are. All I ask is you be responsible and I trust all of you are smart enough to know you don't do something just because Jake and Nessie did it.

That said . . . here's this chapter! I gave that little disclaimer just to be on the safe side. I'd hate to have a helping hand in someone's bad decisions - I think it's funny too because my fanbase is pretty much split between married mothers and teenage girls like myself. See, we're not so different. :D

Like I said, I'm an unmarried practicing Muslim teenager so I have no idea what I'm talking or writing about first-hand. I'm just guessing and putting my wild imagination to use. If anything unrealistic or impossible (I wouldn't put it past myself), let me know. I really do love this chapter though and had a fun, nerve-wracking time writing it. It's great - and I think you'll all agree - to see Jake finally . . . ahem . . . get his. He earned it.

What you're wanting the most is next chapter, I'm afraid, and you'd probably better be prepared to expect another long-ass A/N for that one too. But I do have a little treat - I couldn't decide between two coming up's so I put the one that occurs first in the story and the other will be PM'd to whoever reviews! Yayness. So - **reviewers get an extra preview**. It's in bold since I know most of you will skip the A/N when you see how ginormous it is. :S

So go forth, read, and let me know what you think. Be gentle. Or not. :D

**_Disclaimer:_** I don't own it. Sorry, for not owning it and for not being more exciting.

**

* * *

**

In Which Jacob Gasps

**

* * *

**

_i'd like to be the beginning, the end  
and then in between  
and be your slave, and be your queen_

_- shakira, hey you_

-

Jacob just looked at me for a long moment.

"Do you – do you want to?"

I felt myself pull my bottom lip in between my teeth, and nodded.

Jacob stood up, helping me stand with him and then swept me up into his arms again. I made a sound of surprise and clung to Jacob's neck, but he just chuckled and walked slowly to his room. My stomach was in knots as Jacob kicked his bedroom door shut behind us and sat me down in his bed.

He didn't stand back up, but just stayed on his knees on the side of the bed, between my parted legs and leaned in and kissed me. Slow, hot, patient kisses that made me want to be anything but slow and patient. Jacob's hands ran over my shoulders and along my arms, down my sides and then up again. Around my back, down my legs.

Jacob ran his tongue along my lips and I parted them for him. Our tongues touched as I reached out to touch his lips in return and I made a small sound against his mouth. My hands gripped his shoulders hard, the straps of yet another stupid wife beater in the way of me touching Jacob's beautiful skin like I wanted.

Jacob leaned in, bringing our bodies closer together as he kissed me harder. I slowly ran my hands down Jacob's chest and towards his stomach, gripping his thin undershirt and pulling it up out of his pants and up his chest. Jacob got the hint and pulled away from my lips to snatch the shirt up over his head and throw it somewhere behind mine.

Then his hands went to the buckle of his belt. My heart went up into my throat.

"It's just uncomfortable," Jacob said quickly, and I guess I must have widened my eyes or given some reaction to show him how startled I was. "That's all."

God, I was so stupid. Jacob and I were married. If he wanted to get completely undressed, what was the problem with that? Wasn't that what I wanted?

Jacob undid his belt and pulled it out, dropping it to the floor beside him. And I suddenly didn't want him to stop. I wanted him to continue the rest of the way. I pulled him back to me and rejoined our lips, running my hands over his now-bare chest and stomach.

Jacob's hands gripped my waist and one slowly made its way up to my breast, squeezing gently and making me moan. I half-gasped his name against his lips when he ran his thumb over me, making me harden even through the bra and shirt. The shirt that now seemed just as unnecessary as Jacob's had.

I reached up and covered Jacob's hand that was on my breast with mine, sliding it up and over slightly until it was resting against the first closed button.

"Are – are you sure, Nessie?" Jacob asked against my mouth, and I could hear both our hearts speed up. "We don't have to rush – "

"I'm sure, Jacob," I whispered, kissing his mouth when he opened it again to reply.

Then he brought his other hand up and undid the first button.

Jacob kissed me slowly and heatedly as he undid the rest of the buttons slowly, painfully slowly. He didn't touch any part of my body or look down once. I was at the same terrified and anticipating the time when he would. Soon Jacob had popped the final button open and the shirt hung completely undone. Cool air rushed against my stomach and thighs and insecurity and nerves and desire twisted together in my stomach.

Jacob brought his hands up to my neck then, slowly sliding them down to my shoulders as he kissed me. I knew what he wanted, so I pulled my arms from his shoulders and let him slide the shirt down my arms and off.

Cold air rushed against my back and shoulders and hips and I was seriously almost completely naked in front of Jacob.

My husband. Jacob, my husband.

Jacob brought his hands back up to my neck but I could feel the movement was unsure. He didn't know where else to put his hands. He was . . . afraid to touch.

I pulled away from his lips, my heart thundering.

"Jacob," I said quietly, reaching out to run my hands along his broad shoulders. "You can look at me."

Jacob's dark brown eyes stayed on mine for a second, making sure. They stayed on mine the whole time he sat back, onto his heels, his hands sliding down my arms. Then they slid down.

Jacob's face changed in a way I can't really explain as he took in my body. I felt the need to fidget under his gaze, reach to cover myself. No man had ever seen me like this, ever. Jacob was the first and would be the last. This gave me courage.

I reached out and took his hand.

"And touch me," I told him, continuing on my point from earlier, bringing his hand up to rest against my collarbone and leaving it there. "I'm your . . . wife, Jacob. You can touch me wherever you want."

Jacob's lips came at me then, hard but not rough, his hands holding me around my bare waist and sliding me back on the bed, laying me back until I was lying down with him on top of me.

It was so different now, indescribably different. My stomach was pressed flush against Jacob's which wasn't exactly new, but our chests were too, the tops of my breasts crushed against his strong chest. My bare legs wrapped around Jacob's hips, the fabric of his pants tickling me when I shifted.

Jacob supported himself with one arm and kept the other between us, touching me. My stomach, my sides, my back, my breasts, my shoulders, my arms, my legs, my hips. Any part of me he could reach. His lips trailed down to my neck, leaving hot, open-mouthed kisses that made me squirm.

"You're so beautiful, Nessie," Jacob said roughly into my neck, my legs wrapping around his hips to pull him closer to me. "Your body – I've never seen – even when I imagined – "

"I was nervous," I admitted breathlessly as Jacob ran his tongue along my pulse point and slid his free hand into the space where the arch of my back came off the bed so he could pull me even closer. His skin was so _hot_. "I – no one's ever seen – I didn't know if – you would - "

Jacob's lips left my neck and an instant later his face was above mine.

"You don't know how good that makes me feel, Ness," Jacob told me, his eyes dark. "How amazing. To know that I'm the only one who will ever get to see you like this."

Jacob shifted his weight, lifting himself a little with the arm that was supporting him so he could look down at my body. My stomach tightened even worse.

"Your body is so amazing," he told me, running a hand over my breasts and down my stomach. "I – don't be nervous, Nessie, not with me."

"I just – I just wanted you to – to like me," I said, the words sounding stupid as soon as they were out. "I mean, my body. I just wanted you to like my body like this – you're the only person I ever want to – to want me, Jacob, and I was just – "

"Let me show you how much I like it," Jacob growled, pressing his body back down on me and catching my lips in a fierce kiss. I immediately felt Jacob's body beginning to react, harden against the space between my legs, making me press myself hard into him.

We both groaned and Jacob pressed his hips into me again, but it wasn't close enough. There were too many layers. I was in my underwear – I think it was about time we leveled the playing field.

I reached my hands between our bodies as we kissed, bringing them to the button of Jacob's pants. He paused.

"Your turn," I told him quietly before he could say anything. Jacob nodded and made to sit back to undo his pants but I stopped his hand. "I want to do it."

Jacob looked like he was going to leap at me again but he stayed where he was. "Then come do it, Nessie."

Instead of getting up like he obviously wanted me to, I pulled him down on me, kissing him for a few moments before I rolled us so I was on top. I had to be careful so we wouldn't fall off of Jacob's small bed.

Jacob's hands immediately went to my hips, one sliding back to grip my backside softly, making me press my hips into him and groan a little. Skin-on-skin was nice.

I kissed Jacob for a few more seconds before I pressed my hands into his chest for balance and pushed myself up. I settled myself across his thighs, his body pressing between my legs making me make a small noise.

Jacob's eyes raked over me again and I felt a little self-conscious but I pushed it down. I brought my hands down to Jacob's pants, my wrists brushing the bulge there and making Jacob groan. I undid the button quickly and then the zipper, making my fingers heavier than they needed to be. I didn't know how to touch Jacob, so I didn't want to make a conscious effort to, but he still seemed to like my hands brushing against him like this.

My stomach twisted and my body rushed at the thought of what I was doing. Where I was touching Jacob. What that meant.

Jacob was wearing something black and soft under his pants, because the back of my hand brushed the fabric when I brought the zipper down. I gathered my nerve and slipped my hands inside his pants, sliding them back to his hips, back until I could reach no further because Jacob was lying down.

I wasn't Jacob. I wasn't six-foot-seven and two hundred and fifty pounds. I couldn't just lift him when I wanted him to move.

"Lift up, Jake," I told him quietly, looking up to find his eyes watching me so hard it made me want to throw myself back at him.

He obeyed me, lifting his hips off the bed. My hands slid back further, back past where I had touched before, and my stomach twisted pleasurably before I pulled the pants down. I slid them down his thighs, crawling back to get them off all the way. Jacob's legs were amazing, strong and muscled and dark just like the rest of him but I hadn't seen much of them the past three months under his sweatpants and jeans.

My eyes flowed up to his silk black boxers, which I'm sure had to have been an Alice idea, and up his stomach and chest to his face. His eyes watched me the whole time, dark and amazing.

I was going to just throw Jacob's pants on the floor, but he held his hand out for them. I passed them to him and he threw them on the floor beside the head of the bed. I crawled my way back up to him, settling myself back across his hips. Jacob's hardness had grown in my absence and I rubbed myself harder against him, Jacob's hands coming down to grip my hips and his head up to kiss my lips.

I scooted down a little after a few kisses to kiss Jacob's jaw, his neck. I was so aroused and so in love and so completely in denial that this could really be happening and I didn't know what to do. I wanted to take it all slow, savor every second, but I also wanted to hurry up. I wanted to rush, to sprint towards the finish line.

The finish line that was under these sheets. But I had something I wanted to do first.

Jacob's hips were pressing consistently into me, his hand massaging my backside almost hard as I dragged my teeth lightly over the front of his throat.

"Nessie."

That was it, nothing after it. Just my name.

I pulled my lips away from his skin, just a little.

"Show me how to touch you, Jacob."

Jacob's body tightened in a way I understood. He wanted to give in, but I was up for some convincing first.

"Nessie, you don't – "

"I want to," I insisted, licking the hollow of his throat and making him groan. "I want to touch you so bad, Jacob."

He didn't understand. Before we . . . before we did this, we had to be equal. Jacob had given me . . . pleasure, indescribable pleasure. I had to give some of that back. I had to make him feel the exact same way he made me. I wanted him arching against me like I'd seen him do that day in the shower; I wanted to feel his body relax like mine had after he came down from that amazing high.

I had to do that for him. I had to.

"Please, Jacob," I whispered, just below his ear and kissed. I rubbed myself into him again, as much for me as it was to convince him. "Please show me."

"Are you sure?"

I nodded fervently into the crook of his neck, joy and anticipation and a little fear flooding me. I had won.

"Sit back."

I did, sitting back up and watched as Jacob slowly slid out from under me until he was mostly sitting up, his back resting against his battered headboard. Jacob gestured for me and I crawled back over to him, letting him pull me when I got close enough so I was settled across his thighs again.

Jacob leaned in and kissed me, one of his hands winding itself into the curls at the back of my neck. Jacob's other hand reached up and I was surprised to see him pull back with a sunflower. I'd completely forgotten it was in my hair. Jacob brushed it across my lips a few times, teasing me beyond what was fair, before he reached out and set it on his nightstand.

He licked his lips, an unbelievably sexy sight, before he kissed me again. After a few seconds, the hand that wasn't in my hair reached out and took one of mine, guiding it slowly up his leg and over his hip. Then over the bulge in his boxers, making my stomach twist and my body rush and Jacob grit his teeth into the kiss.

But I didn't know what to do. When Jacob . . . I know when Jacob did that, he went and took a shower. He didn't wear clothes in the shower, so it didn't make sense. How was I supposed to touch him the right way with a barrier?

"Jacob," I said quietly against his lips, brushing my fingers over him again. His eyes were shut tight, but he opened them at my words. "Jacob, this isn't – I want – "

"What, honey?" He asked me, his voice literally affecting my body. "What do you want?"

"Show me how you do it," I whispered, feeling shy now. How exactly did you ask for something like that? "Show me how you do it . . . when you're alone."

Jacob exhaled heavily against my face. He looked like he was seriously fighting with himself.

I brushed my fingers over him again.

"Are you – "

"I'm sure, Jacob," I cut him off, tired of hearing it. "I'm so sure."

Jacob's hands left my hair and my hand simultaneously, moving down. I forced my eyes to stay on Jacob's face as he reached between our bodies. I felt him shift his hips a little, move the fabric of his boxers out of the way, but I didn't look. I didn't want to . . . to gawk at him or anything.

I leaned in and kissed Jacob hard, once.

"You can look," Jacob told me, his face nervous but still beautiful, when I pulled away. "If you want."

I had permission, so I slowly let my eyes slide down his broad chest and amazing stomach. I forced my eyes to go slow, to prepare myself. I lingered on the line of his hips, where they dipped down, before I moved my eyes down past where I had seen before.

I'd seen diagrams in my studies, of course. I knew what all the parts were and how they worked, scientifically, at least. But I'd never seen Jacob. Just that fact that it was Jacob was enough to make it amazing, but there was more than that.

I didn't expect him to be so . . . big. I guess it made sense, since the rest of him was so massive, but I'd honestly just never thought about it. His skin there was a shade darker than the rest of him, and he was . . . well, beautiful. I'd actually laughed the first time my mom showed me the diagram when I was younger, but I wasn't laughing now. There wasn't a funny thought in my head.

I think I gasped a little when Jacob . . . grew under my eyes.

I had to touch him. But I didn't know _how_.

I forced my eyes back up to Jacob, whose face was pink and shyer than I'd ever seen it. I didn't want him to be. He had no reason to be. I leaned in and kissed his lips softly, placed a hand on his muscled stomach that actually twitched under my touch.

"Show me, Jake."

Jacob's hand closed around mine again, guiding me slowly back down his stomach until I was flat against his hip. Then he lifted my hand and wrapped it around him.

I know I gasped then. His skin was so _hot_ here, hotter than any other place on his body. And smooth, surprisingly so.

My hands were a lot smaller than his, my fingers not even reaching all the way around, and my stomach tightened like it never had before when Jacob slowly guided my hand all the way up and then back down again, his fingers wrapped around mine.

Jacob gasped. A first, I think. I had heard Jacob scream, laugh, cry, moan, groan, but never gasp. I liked that I could do that.

He guided me for a few more motions, sliding my hand slowly up and down his length before he left me. Jacob dropped his hand to his side and it turned over to grip the sheets.

I slowly repeated the motion Jacob showed me, sliding my hand up and then down again and Jacob groaned loud.

"Is – is that okay?"

"Yes," Jacob bit out as I moved my hand up again, his head rolling back against the headboard. It was beautiful. "Yes, Nessie, that's perfect."

His words gave me courage, so I sped up my movements the smallest bit, finding a sort of rhythm. Jacob had done that with me and I'd liked it. 'Liked it' being the understatement of the century.

Jacob's hips moved up into my hands a little, like he wanted me to go faster, so I did. I let my other hand slide up his stomach and to his chest, brushing my fingers across his nipple since I knew he liked that. Jacob hissed and bit his lip hard. Blood rushed to the surface in small drops and I'd never been so tempted by someone's blood in my life.

I don't think Jacob noticed it because he left it there, focused on my hands on his body. His body, that was so strong and hard and beautiful under me. His body that had blood just sitting temptingly on his lips less than a foot from my face. Blood that I already knew was sweeter than anything I'd ever tasted.

My hand sped up of its own accord, taking cues from Jacob's body, since it was obvious that was what he wanted me to do. He shut his eyes tight when I did, biting his lip even harder and moving his body even more insistently into my hand and I just couldn't stand it.

I threw myself across the short space separating our bodies, my hand on Jacob moving quickly now, and kissed him almost roughly. I pulled his lip free with my own, careful not to hurt him, and ran my tongue across him to take in his delicious blood.

Jacob moaned loudly and his eyes flew open, but he kissed me back. I almost lapped at his lip with my tongue, running it over the wound and kissing it in turn as it healed. Both of us were panting and Jacob's hand came down between our bodies to stop my hand.

"Okay, Nessie," he told me, breathing hard, but even as he said it his hips kind of pressed up into my hand again. "That's – that's enough."

"But you're not – you didn't - " I stuttered, confused, bloodlust and regular lust and love all clouding my brain. "You didn't – finish."

Jacob's other hand, the one not keeping mine steady, slid up my stomach. Over my breasts and up my neck to wrap his fingers in the hair there.

"I – I don't want to finish now," he told me, and I understood. For once, I understood.

But I still wanted . . . this. I still wanted to do this. I couldn't pretend to know exactly how this worked, but . . . but couldn't . . .

"Can't you – can't you - " I took a deep breath to clear my head and my nerves, but it didn't really work. "Can't you finish twice?"

Jacob looked at me for a long minute, his hand still around mine on his body. I tightened my fingers around him, just a little.

"Is that what you want?"

I knew then that I had won. Jacob would always give me whatever I wanted.

"Yes."

Jacob let his head roll back for a second, and then his hand left mine. I was about to continue my movements when Jacob's voice stopped me.

"Wait."

I did while Jacob reached beside him on the bed and grabbed his undershirt. I watched with confusion as Jacob gently removed my hand from his body and draped the shirt over himself. I was about to ask him what he was doing when he guided my hand back to him.

"Why, Jacob?" I asked as I started to move my hand again but was hindered slightly by the fabric in the way. "Why like this?"

"This is better," Jacob answered, rocking his hips a little into my hand. "Just trust me, Nessie."

I decided I would, leaning in to kiss the front of Jacob's shoulder, focusing on making a steady rhythm with my hand. I couldn't believe I was doing this; that I was the one, the only one, touching Jacob like this. This was new for him too; he'd never done this with anyone else.

Jacob's hot hands gripped my bare waist, one slipping down to massage my backside. I arched my back a little, pushing myself into his hand and making it easier for him. He was actually making it a little hard for me to concentrate on what I was doing.

I held Jacob's neck with my free hand, pressing kisses into the opposite side of it. I could feel Jacob's ring on the skin of my backside, cool beside the heat of his fingers.

"Faster, Nessie," Jacob said roughly, his voice reverberating inside his chest. "Please."

Jacob didn't have to ask me twice. Jacob would never have to ask me for anything twice ever again.

I sped up the movements of my hand and Jacob's hips found a rhythm that worked with mine, pressing his hips into me in contrast with my movements so he was always getting the friction he wanted.

"Nessie – "

I sped up again, not waiting for him to ask. I gripped him a little harder, my body seriously close to dripping now as I stroked him. I hope Jacob wasn't paying enough attention right now to feel it, even though he'd told me before that he liked it. It was still embarrassing.

Jacob thrust up into my hand hard and pulled me roughly against him, kissing me hard.

"Don't – don't stop, Nessie, please."

I didn't, kissing him back and stroking him in time with his thrusts. Then Jacob broke away from my lips, arching hard against the headboard, his hips coming off the bed. I kept touching him, unsure of what else to do. I watched his mouth fall open, and his eyes flutter closed as the rest of his body tensed, pressing himself harder and harder into my hand.

It was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.

After a few seconds, Jacob's body slowed, relaxed. Just like mine had. I slowed my hand gradually as Jacob came down. Jacob reached and pulled my hand gently away from him like I had done. Maybe he was sensitive too. His eyes were still closed.

I looked down between us to see the shirt Jacob had me touch him through wet. I almost, well, kind of panicked, but then something clicked in my mind. Oh.

I kept getting surprised by how similarly our bodies worked.

I brought my eyes back up to Jacob's face to find him watching me. His body was so soft, relaxed and calm under mine while I was the complete opposite. Now I truly appreciated what Jacob had done for me the first night he had . . . relieved my tension. I was about ready to jump him.

Jacob reached up with a heavy hand, his left, to touch my face. He pulled me towards him and kissed me gently.

"Thank you, Nessie," he said quietly. I felt his other hand come between our bodies, shift some things around. A second later Jacob slid me up into his lap. He had gotten rid of the shirt and pulled his boxers back up to cover himself. He kissed my eyelids, my cheeks. "You – that was so amazing. You are so amazing."

"It was amazing for me too, Jacob," I confessed, wrapping my arms around his neck and pecking his lips. "I – I can't believe you let me do that for you."

Jacob just kissed me slowly for a few minutes, his body still relaxed but mine the polar opposite. I tried to keep my hips from pressing forward into Jacob's, my body from brushing against him so much, but I was fighting a losing battle.

Then one of Jacob's hands floated down to my thigh, his fingers playing along the place where it met my hip. Jacob kissed me one more time and broke away.

"Should we take care of you now?"

Oh, God. I wanted to. I wanted to so bad I couldn't see, but there was something else I wanted more. I think.

How did you ask?

I shook my head, just a little, and ran my hand across Jacob's chest.

"Can we – get under the covers?"

* * *

**Coming up:**

"You . . . you don't have any hair here?"

I felt my face burn.

"I – I do," I admitted, Jacob's fingers making the words come out breathy as he stroked the newly bare skin. "I shaved it today. I – I thought you might – "

"You did this for me?" Jacob asked, his eyes wide, his fingers still rubbing back and forth across my skin like he was stroking my back or my hand and not the most intimate part of my body.

I nodded.

Jacob launched himself back up my body and I parted my legs automatically to give him a place to lay. But it was so, so, so _different_ without clothes.


	48. In Which They Don't Need to Stop

**_A/N: _**Okay, so here is it. Here "It" is. It. "It" is here. But in all seriousness, here's the chapter we've all been waiting for. I'm pretty confident in it - especially after last chapter broke my review record _by nearly double_. Yes, people - 'In Which Jacob Gasps' got over 70 reviews! That's so insane, you guys!

This is a really, really important chapter. A milestone - it isn't just a lemon to me. Emotionally, the characters travel a huge distance. So much vulnerability and trust and love had to be present for the events of this chapter to occur and I hope everyone understand this. I also have another disclaimer: **I am not promoting unsafe sex. **The reasons for this you'll see, I'm sure, as you read. You have to consider these characters are married and fully aware and prepared for the consequences of sex. All of them.

I hope you know that I'm expecting y'all to top last chapter's turnout. Just so's ya know.

Oh, and - betcha didn't think the title would come back like that, huh? It's been planned for forever so it's great to finally get to this. :)

Thank you all so, so much for reviewing and reading and sticking with _Hands on Me_ through all of this. I have the most amazing reviewers ever.

**_Disclaimer: _**I don't own the title, the lyrics, or the characters. I literally just strung the words together in this order.

* * *

In Which They Don't Need to Stop

* * *

_we cross the deepest oceans, cargo across the sea  
and if you don't believe me, just put your hands on me  
and all the constellations shine down for us to see  
and if you don't believe me  
just put your hands on me_

_- vanessa carlton, hands on me_

-

"If you want to, Ness."

His tone told me that he understood. My stomach twisted in anticipation.

I crawled down to the foot of the bed so Jacob could pull the comforter back. He settled himself in and then gestured for me, pulling me in under him so he could settle his weight comfortably on top of me again.

Jacob leaned in and kissed my neck, then my throat, then my collarbone. My legs came up around his hips, pulling him closer, my arms wrapping around his back from under his arms. Jacob slid the strap of my bra down so he could kiss along my shoulder and I swallowed the lump of desire in my throat.

Jacob gave my other shoulder the same treatment, the tops of my breasts pressing into the skin just below his neck and driving me insane. I realized I was arching my back into Jacob, trying to wriggle so his hands were at my back. His talented kisses had me breathing hard.

"Take it off."

Jacob didn't ask me if I was sure, he just slid his hands under my back which I had arched for him, and expertly undid the clasp. My heart started doing laps when Jacob's hands came down to slide the bra off my arms and away from my breasts.

Jacob dropped my green bra to the floor, and then I was naked under his eyes. I never had been before – with anyone, not even the women in my family. Jacob's eyes darkened as he took me in and I felt my body react, but I still felt myself reach up to cover myself.

Jacob's hand caught my arm.

"Don't cover yourself in front of me, Nessie," he said to me, soft but serious and I shivered. Partly at the Alpha in his voice and partly because his arm was brushing my nipple. "I'm your husband. If – if you're not ready for this, I'll help you get redressed and . . . and we can take things slower, but I don't want you to hide from me."

Husband. Jacob was my husband.

I set my arm down. I was still self-conscious, ridiculously so, but now I knew it was ridiculous. Jacob had let me see the most intimate part of him, without blushing or carrying on or covering himself because he loved me and trusted me. Why couldn't I do that?

"Do we need to stop, Nessie?"

Jacob's voice told me that was the last thing on earth he wanted to do, but it also told me that he would. For me. If I wasn't ready. Even though we were married. I don't think too many men would be that understanding. I somehow found my voice.

"No, Jacob."

Jacob's hand ran across my breast, like it had a thousand times, but it was somehow different. Because I could see it and he could too. I could watch as he cupped my breast in his huge hand, brushed his thumb over the tip of it.

"You're beautiful, Nessie," Jacob said, his eyes coming up to my face but his hand still caressing my breasts. "Every part of you."

I didn't know what to say, so I settled for, "Kiss me, Jacob."

He did, kissing my lips softly, his fingers continuing to play across my breasts. Soon though, he broke away from my lips to kiss down my neck, down my collarbone and I knew what was happening. I tried to steel myself but I still whined out loud when Jacob's tongue flicked across my right nipple.

It didn't help that I could see it.

Jacob slowly circled me with his tongue and then pulled me into his mouth and I gripped his head hard, pressing him harder into me. His teeth scraped me and his tongue teased me his lips surrounded me and I was going to _die_. Dying of pleasure seemed a nice way to go though, so I wasn't too upset about it.

Jacob's free hand played with my other breast for a few seconds and then continued down. Jacob took his lips off me long enough to switch breasts, leaving my other one to cool in the air from the wetness of his mouth.

Jacob's hand found my hip and I pressed them into him hard when he started playing with the fabric of my panties. He released me from his mouth with a soft sound and looked up at me. His eyes were amazing.

"Ness?"

I nodded yes. I wouldn't make him ask. I knew what he wanted and I wanted it too even though I was terrified and just, yes.

Jacob's body came up off of me as he sat back onto his heels. He rubbed his hands softly over the flat of my hips on either side and back, down to where my thighs started and then up again. He ran his hands up to my naval and then down; this time, when he got to where the panties started, he hooked his fingers under them on either side.

My heart went into overdrive. This was happening.

Jacob kept his gaze on my face as he pulled my panties down, but it only made sense that his gaze should lower when he had to sit back to slide them down my legs.

Jacob's eyes widened a little and he dropped my panties as soon as they were off my feet. I squirmed under his gaze, but I didn't dare cover myself for fear Jacob would stop us again, for good this time.

I was completely naked under him, open to his eyes. There was nothing I could hide from him.

Jacob slid his hand over the top of my thigh, which I kept squeezed tightly together, and up to the place he'd only ever touched through my clothes. My body shivered and tried to buck against Jacob's hand, my knees wanting to fall apart but my modesty keeping them shut tight.

"You . . . you don't have any hair here?"

I felt my face burn.

"I – I do," I admitted, Jacob's fingers making the words come out breathy as he stroked the newly bare skin. "I shaved it today. I – I thought you might – "

"You did this for me?" Jacob asked, his eyes wide, his fingers still rubbing back and forth across my skin like he was stroking my back or my hand and not the most intimate part of my body.

I nodded.

Jacob launched himself back up my body and I parted my legs automatically to give him a place to lay. But it was so, so, so _different_ without clothes. Jacob kissed me hard, my breasts crushed against his hot chest and his hardness, back again, pressing in between my legs. Now the only thing between us was Jacob's underwear.

I wanted them gone.

I ran my hands down Jacob's back as we kissed, Jacob's hands sliding over my breasts, my stomach, my hair, anything he could reach. I slipped my fingers into the waistband of Jacob's boxers, feeling the smooth skin under them, Jacob's hips.

"Wait," Jacob said against my lips, one of his hands coming down to stop mine. "Wait a minute, honey."

"W-why?"

Jacob's hands answered my question when they slid up my thigh and then over, fingers caressing the same place from earlier and making me squirm instinctively to move his fingers downward.

"I'm going to touch you, Nessie, okay?"

"N-no," I told him, not actually believing I was saying the words when it was something I wanted so _bad_. But there was something else I wanted more. "Now, Jacob."

"Not now, Nessie," Jacob told me, leaning in to kiss my neck. "Trust me."

I would. Of course I would.

Jacob shifted his weight to one side, until he was lying almost beside me, and then his fingers slipped down.

_That_ was different.

I gasped hard against Jacob and bucked my hips under him. And it was only a light touch. How was my body going to handle this?

Jacob touched me again, skin-on-skin, on my absolute favorite place and I actually whimpered. If I had known – I would have forced Jacob to marry me months ago.

Then Jacob's fingers slipped down a little more and the pleasure got a little more bearable but the embarrassment grew. Jacob would _feel_ . . . .

"Fuck, Nessie," Jacob cursed as his fingers dipped a little deeper. Yes, he had felt it. Of course he had. "You're so – I didn't expect you to be so - "

"I – " How was I supposed to talk with his hands on me like that? How did he honestly expect me to answer him? "Is that – bad?"

"No," Jacob said, and just like that he was kissing me again. "No, Nessie. It's – it's so sexy. I just – I didn't, I keep being surprised my how much you want me."

I didn't say anything because I couldn't say anything because just then I felt the tip of Jacob's forefinger find its way to my entrance. Jacob pulled his lips back from me softly.

"Here?"

I kept forgetting that Jacob was a . . . a virgin too. That he didn't know much more than me. I just . . . he always knew everything – I just expected him to know how my body worked too.

I nodded, and for some reason was still shocked when he pressed the tip of his finger in. I gasped as Jacob's finger slid in a little further and his eyes watched me carefully.

I – Jacob was inside of me. _Inside_ of me. A part of me.

Slowly, carefully, Jacob slid the rest of his finger in.

I felt . . . full. Filled up. With Jacob. It was . . . uncomfortable, but – but amazing too and I – I couldn't even comprehend all the sensations and emotions that were flooding through my body now. But as amazing as it was, I – I didn't want Jacob's fingers. Not when I knew I could have all of him now.

"Jacob – " I gasped as he slowly started to slide his finger out, his thumb pressing against my favorite place and making it hard to get the words out. " – why - ?"

"I – you saw me, Ness," Jacob whispered, leaning down to brush his lips over my breast. "I'm – I'm not small. And your skin resists change. I – I'll hurt you. I have to – stretch you first."

Stretch me?

Jacob's finger slid back in.

Well, they did say stretching was good for the body.

"Make sure you're ready," Jacob continued over my hard breathing. "Am – am I hurting you now, Nessie?"

"No," I gasped, my hands holding onto Jacob's shoulders because I didn't know what else I'd do with them. "No, Jacob, it doesn't hurt – it, _oh_."

"I'm – " Jacob withdrew his finger until it was almost out, only the very tip remaining and I felt my body squirm to get him back inside. "I'm going to add another finger now, all right?"

I just nodded, squeezing my eyes shut for a second to try and gather my thoughts. Gather anything. Some semblance of control.

When Jacob pressed back in with two fingers, it hurt a little and the discomfort got worse but I tried not to let it show on my face. I – Jacob was right. If I was going to take all of Jacob inside of me, I had to be able to handle his fingers.

Jacob's thumb kept up its pleasurable rhythm while he slowly slid in and out, which helped distract me. It felt good. After awhile, my body got used to the second finger and the pain and most of the discomfort faded.

Then Jacob pressed back in with three.

"Oh," I said into his ear, his breath hot and distracting and homelike on my neck. "_Jacob_."

"Am I hurting you, Nessie?"

Did it hurt? Yes. But was Jacob _hurting_ me? Of course not. The entire reason Jacob was doing this now was so he wouldn't hurt me later.

"No, Jacob."

It took longer this time for my body to accommodate him, but that wonderfully familiar feeling started building inside me, slower than usual. I found myself pushing myself into Jacob's hand a little, despite the discomfort. Then Jacob curled his fingers, just a little, and I moaned out loud.

"What?" Jacob asked worriedly, pulling away from kissing my neck to check my face. "Are you all right?"

"Yes, yes, I just – just, do that again, Jacob – "

"Do what?"

"That," I told him, less than eloquently, rolling my hips into him to try and replicate the feeling but I couldn't. "That – with your fingers – like you just – did – "

Jacob curled his fingers again, more deliberate this time and I had to press my lips into his shoulder to keep from crying out. He touched _something_ inside me when he did that and it felt _so_ good.

"Like that, Nessie?"

"Yes, yes, please – "

I couldn't get the rest of it out and I didn't have to. Jacob did it again.

I started climbing a lot faster then, with Jacob brushing that spot with every turn of his fingers. That and the attention from his thumb had the pain gone and the discomfort mostly forgotten. I found myself rocking hard against Jacob's hand, the feeling familiar but building from a different place this time.

I think I might have been making noises and sometimes I tried to tone them down but most of the time I didn't even care. Jacob was completely silent, kissing my neck and lips, his mouth traveling down to reach my breasts, his hand working consistently against me all the time.

"Jacob," I choked out as the pleasure began to reach a crescendo. "I – "

Like he knew what I wanted, Jacob's lips disappeared off my breast and were on mine in the next heartbeat, kissing me just hard enough. His tongue slipped past my lips at the same time his fingers twisted again and I groaned his name into his mouth and clutched him to me hard as I rode the pleasure out.

Jacob's fingers kept a steady pace, bringing me down slowly, our kisses slowing down too as I floated back downward.

I opened my eyes, only realizing then that I'd shut them, to see Jacob watching me with dark eyes. I whimpered at the new sensitivity and Jacob slid his fingers slowly out. I felt empty.

I felt . . . calmer than before, but it wasn't like all the other times. I still . . . I still wanted more. I could feel, against my thigh, that Jacob did too.

I reached up and kissed Jacob's lips lightly.

"You okay, honey?"

"So okay, Jacob," I whispered, still breathing a little heavy, running my hand down his amazing chest. "So okay."

"Are you – are you tired?"

There it was. Jacob was, so sweetly, giving me an out. Giving me a way out without even having to say it. I could say I yes, that I was tired, and then he would turn over, pull me into his side and we would sleep. It would be easy to do, since I sure was more nervous than I had ever been in my life.

I shook my head.

Then I reached down and slipped the tips of my fingers back inside Jacob's boxers. Once I had them down a few inches, Jacob stopped me again.

"Nessie, Nessie," he whispered against my lips. "Just – just let me get – "

He shifted his weight off of me, reaching one long arm off the bed to bring back up his pants. He pulled something out of the pocket of them and then settled himself back down over me. He pressed his lips back to mine.

"Okay, Ness," he whispered.

I slipped the boxers down a few more inches and then grabbed the hem with my toes, Jacob lifting his hips so I could slide them down the rest of the way. I felt Jacob, hotter and than hot, against my thigh for the briefest of seconds before he lifted himself up to kick the boxers the rest of the way off.

Then he sat back onto his heels, and I couldn't help but stare at him. His body was so beautiful and – and completely uncovered before my eyes. All of it was mine. It was actually overwhelming.

So overwhelming, in fact, that it took me a few more seconds to recognize what Jacob had in his hand. Once again, something I'd seen but never in real life, knew about but not firsthand. Jacob had a condom.

Then something else registered.

"I – Jacob, I don't – "

"You don't what, Ness?" Jacob asked, concerned. He thought I was chickening out.

"I don't want to use that."

"What?"

"I don't – " I reached out to touch Jacob's thigh as I searched for the words I wanted. "I don't want to . . . use that."

I guess my mouth settled for repeating itself.

"Why?"

"I don't care if I . . . get pregnant," I said, actually shuddering with pleasure at the prospect. The idea that what Jacob and I were about to do could create a life, a baby. Jacob's baby. "I don't care. And I – I don't want anything . . . separating us."

Then Jacob's naked body was pressed up against me, every part of him, and he was kissing me again.

"I know, Nessie," he said against my mouth. "I know, baby, but we can't – not now. We can't take that chance now – not when they want you so bad. Nothing's going to separate us – don't think of it like that, okay? Okay, honey?"

"Okay," I whimpered against his mouth, my thoughts not exactly clear since I could feel Jacob between my legs and I wanted him there so bad. "Okay, Jacob."

Jacob half-sat back and I watched him slide the condom on, easily, like he'd done it a thousand times before even though I knew he hadn't. When he had finished, he reached back and pulled the blankets, which had fallen off, back up around us as he laid back down over me.

My heart thrummed harder than it ever had as Jacob leaned in and kissed me softly, settling himself between my legs.

"Are you – are you really sure, Nessie?" He asked me, his tongue tracing my lips and making me want him more than ever. "We can't . . . undo this."

I wanted to assure Jake. I wanted to more than assure him. I wanted to put it beyond doubt in his mind that I never wanted anything more than I wanted this. I wanted to . . . show him. But not with my hands. I had always shown Jacob with my hands – now we were married, connected closer than close. I wanted a new connection. More than one.

I had . . . I had done it before, once, without meaning to. When I was feeling an extremely strong emotion. I was feeling some pretty strong emotions now, so could I do it? Now, on purpose?

I think I could.

"Jacob," I said against his lips, breaking away from them to kiss his throat. It trembled under my mouth. "Put your hands on me."

"What?"

"Put your hands on me, Jacob," I said, running my tongue down into the hollow under his lips. "I want to show you something."

"Where?"

"Anywhere," I told him, reaching back and pulling his hair out of its tie so it fell around his face. I loved him like this. "Just touch me."

I felt Jacob slowly bracing himself on his knees before his hands slid down. One resting against the very top of my ribcage and the other on my hip. Just resting. Jacob's thumb brushed across my hipbone.

"Like this, Ness?"

"Mmm," I said in the positive, reaching up and fisting my fingers into Jacob's hair so I wouldn't be tempted to cheat and touch his skin. I was going to do this. "I want to try something."

I tried to focus on how I opened the connection. I never really had before – it had always been so second nature, but I concentrated on it now. How I opened myself up, through my hands. But now I tried to force the feeling through to the other parts of my body, where Jacob was touching but it didn't work.

I groaned in frustration.

"Nessie – what - ?"

I shook my head, urging Jacob to hush so I could concentrate. I focused this time on how I felt now, the joy and happiness and love and lust and everything else. Jacob. Jacob, Jacob, Jacob, beating in my head like a heartbeat. Jacob above me, under me and between me. Jacob inside me.

I felt a feeling like myself being opened up, like something rushing out of me, familiar and unfamiliar at the same time and Jacob gasped. Again.

It wasn't pictures or memories, just emotions, and I knew Jacob was feeling it. I had shown Jacob how I felt, exactly how I felt. All of it. I had done it.

"Nessie, did you – did you just – ?"

The last time I was in Jacob's room I had transported without my hands and it had been an awful day. An awful, awful, terrible, horrible day. This day was its polar opposite. But I wanted to make a parallel too.

"Did you feel it?"

"Did you just show me – without your hands – "

"I've done it before," I reminded him. The connection had sealed itself again. I couldn't hold it like I could with my hands. "But this time is different, right?"

"So different," Jacob said, leaning in and pressing a hot kiss to my neck. Then another, then another. "So much better."

"I want to do this, Jacob," I said into his hair, letting my fingers slide down onto his neck. "I love you. I would never regret you, remember?"

Jacob nodded into my neck and then a second later his face swam over me. He took his hands off my body, positioned himself above me, braced his arms on either side of my shoulders. I spread my legs a little more, to make it easier for him, hissing at his bare skin sliding against mine. With one barrier. One thin, latex barrier.

One of Jacob's arms came down between our bodies and I felt him slide himself against me, up and then down and I bit my cheek to keep from whimpering. It was teasing on the worst level. It was nearly unbearable.

Then I felt Jacob at my entrance. My heart sped up.

"Ready, baby?" Jake said, his voice rough. He didn't ask if I was sure.

I nodded.

The very tip of Jacob pressed inside of me and the first thing I felt over the beating of my heart was discomfort. I was being stretched further than I had before. It was bearable, beyond pleasurable, but still uncomfortable.

Jacob was breathing hard through his nose and teeth, his arms braced on either side of me held tense. I realized I was too.

Jacob slid in a little further, pressing into me wider, stretching me further and I bit back my gasp as the discomfort got worse.

"You okay, Nessie?"

I just nodded, not trusting my voice, pulling Jacob's face down on me to kiss me. I was so overwhelmed – with everything.

Then Jacob pressed another inch and I felt a tear along my opening; a sharp, harsh pain, and then felt my body give way to Jacob to slide easily the rest of the way in.

My cry was muffled against Jacob's lips but it of course didn't escape him and he snatched back from my lips quickly.

"Did I hurt you, Nessie?"

"No, no, Jacob, it's okay," I soothed, even as the pain and the discomfort and the amazing feeling of fullness distracted me. "I think – I think it'll be easier now, just give me a second."

Jacob nodded and held himself tight above me as I tried to come to grips with what my body was experiencing. The pain was still there, but subsiding, and now I could feel other things too. I could feel Jacob inside of me, large and hot and stretching and his hips pressed against mine. I could feel how connected we were.

Jacob and I were really, truly as close as it was possible to get right now. The most intimate part of him was inside the most intimate part of me, parts no one else had seen or touched before or ever would again. I – I wasn't a virgin anymore. I had given something to Jacob that I could never give again and he had given me the same thing.

We were together now, in every sense of the word.

And well, wasn't that amazing?

I came back down as Jacob's hot lips pressed into the side of my face, kissing gently. Trying, I know, to sooth and calm me down the only way he could with the rest of him . . . all tied up.

It was still a little painful, and uncomfortable as hell, but now I could feel how nice this could be. If . . . if I could get used to Jacob's size, if I could do this without any pain at all. Even with the pain, it was worth it a thousand times over.

"Okay, Jacob."

"Okay?"

I nodded, still a little tightly and Jacob kissed me again, soft.

"I'm so sorry I hurt you, honey," he said against my moth, kissing me again when I tried to protest. "Tell me if you want to stop."

I didn't say anything, because I didn't want him to but I was still struck with a strange, sudden pang of panic when I felt Jacob begin to pull back out of me. I closed my ankles around his back, crossing them and keeping him from pulling out any farther. He was almost completely out now.

"Don't, Jacob," I pleaded with him, shocked by how strong my urge to have this became when I almost had it taken away. "Don't leave."

"Don't worry, Nessie," Jacob said, his voice so soothing, so sexy, so calm and assuring. He slid smoothly back into me in one movement that didn't hurt a tenth as much as the first one had. "I'm coming back."

I _oh_'d into Jacob's ear and slid my hands down his back as Jacob groaned.

"You feel so fucking amazing, Ness," Jacob cursed roughly into my ear. I could hear the love dripping from every word and it warmed me almost as much as Jacob inside me was warming me now. Almost. "I - _ah_."

I watched Jacob's face, tense with pleasure, his dark eyes intense as he slid slowly back out of me. I didn't panic this time, knowing he was coming back. He slid back in, still slowly and I surprised myself by wanting more.

I threaded my fingers through Jacob's hair and whispered, "Go a little faster, Jake. I'm okay."

Jacob complied, speeding up the tiniest bit, his hips finding a rhythm. In and out, in and out, not as slowly as before but still nearly unbearable. Then Jacob shifted a little, bracing his knees on the bed different as he slid back in and he_ touched that place inside of me_. Not only that, but the stroke pressed him all the way in, his hips pressing directly into my favorite place that, if things kept up at this pace, was about to be bumped down to second.

I gasped his name against him and arched my back hard, my breasts brushing his chest not helping matters. Jacob was already sliding back in and he did it _again_.

"Oh, oh," I muttered, holding his shoulders tight and lifting my hips up, trying to hold him against me. "Jacob."

"Yeah, honey?"

"Stay like that," I told him, trying to watch his eyes but mine kind of rolling back into my head as Jacob brushed the special place inside of me again. I was breathing so hard and I wasn't even doing anything. "Where – with your knees. It's so much better like this."

Jacob nodded above me, his hips still keeping a steady, slow rhythm. Brushing that spot every single goddamn time.

His breathing was getting, if it was even possible, even harder. Jacob's body started to move a little more insistently against me, his eyes silently asking if that was okay.

"That feels _so_ _good_, Jacob," I muttered breathlessly, because it was true and because I think he needed to hear it so he could quit worrying and . . . enjoy it.

Jacob's eyes widened at my words and his head dipped down to kiss my lips, his hair tickling my cheeks and making me climb a little higher. I loved his hair.

"Let's see if we can't make you feel even better," Jacob said into my mouth, his tongue slipping inside. It didn't matter because I couldn't have replied anyway. I was choking on the promise I heard in the words.

Jacob kissed me like this, slow and deep, his lips and tongue reaching into places they hadn't before for awhile. I was lightheaded, and the kisses distracted me from the discomfort and pain but not the pleasure. It was like the absolute best of both worlds.

Then Jacob broke away from my mouth to start trailing the exact same kind of kisses down my neck. Then he bit down softly on my neck, pulling my skin past his teeth to caress it with his tongue at the same time he pressed back inside me and I moaned.

Jacob sucked the skin of my neck gently for a few more moments before he released it, running the flat of his tongue over it as though to sooth it. I would definitely have a mark tomorrow. I smiled at the prospect, just as Jacob's hips thrust back in again and it turned into a grimace of pleasure.

Jacob's mouth moved slowly down the slope of my chest, kissing every inch of skin between there and his destination. My mind was floating, but my body was very firmly rooted to Jacob. I couldn't concentrate with the sensations coming from all sides.

I rooted my fingers back in Jacob's soft hair that was quickly becoming sweaty and arched my back hard into him as his tongue traced itself around my breast. Then he pulled my nipple past his lips, his teeth scraping me perfectly and I climbed some more.

I wished now that I had done this for Jacob before now, since I couldn't in my current position. Taken the time to kiss my way down his chest and finally to his stomach, finally feel that line under my tongue.

I started rocking my hips into Jacob in time with his thrusts and he groaned around my breast, vibrating me in the nicest way. He paid careful attention to my other breast too, my desire quickly becoming more and more desperate. Jacob's thrusts were slowly becoming faster and closer together. I was climbing, but slowly. I think it had something to do with already . . . finishing earlier.

But still, I was getting pretty damn high. My breath was coming out it pants even though I was technically just laying there and I had to force my legs to stay braced against the bed, not to wrap them tight around Jacob's waist and never let go.

Jacob released my other breast and kissed the hollow between them, licking the skin there and my head just lolled back against the pillow. I couldn't reciprocate, I couldn't do anything – I was too overloaded on pleasure.

Jacob moved himself back up my body then, kissing my jaw before coming back to my lips. Home. I could feel Jacob's body tight, tense, holding himself back. I knew he found the slow and easy hard too. I pressed my hips up into him and tried to tell him with my eyes that it was okay to speed up.

He did then, bracing himself firmly on his arms and starting to slide in and out of me in earnest. Still gentle, but much faster. And – oh, yes.

Jacob's head fell forward, his hair falling around us, sticking to his face and I reached up and pushed it back, holding it with my hands as the spring in my stomach consistently tightened.

"Is this – okay?" Jacob asked me, panting now as he rejoined our bodies over and over in the most delicious way possible. "I'm not – hurting you?"

"No, Jacob," I assured him breathlessly, my hands still on his head, holding his hair out of his face. A line of sweat ran down Jacob's neck and to his chest and I felt it between us when our bodies came together. "I'm, I'm – oh."

I arched my back at the exact perfect moment, sending a jolt of pleasure through me and I think Jacob too because he gritted his teeth and cursed under his breath.

"Are you – " Jacob paused for a beat, and even in my . . . intoxicated state, I could tell it wasn't from breathlessness or pleasure. "Are you close?"

Close? Close? I was confused for a second until Jacob thrust into me again and I flew a little higher. Yes, yes, I was definitely _close_. Was that what he meant? I think it was.

I nodded twice deeply and kind of made a whining noise that wasn't intentional.

Jacob shifted above me – but not his knees, leaning his weight onto his left arm. I was vaguely confused at first until I felt Jacob's right arm slide down my body. He stopped briefly at my breast, cupping it in his hand and massaging it gently before he slid it down my stomach. Down to the place where our bodies were joining over and over.

And pressed his fingers into my favorite place.

"Oh!" I exclaimed, bucking my hips up into him and using my hands in his hair to pull him down to my lips. Not to kiss him, because I don't think I had the coordination for that right now, but just to have his mouth against mine. "Jake!"

Jacob pressed his fingers into me again, almost massaging as he continued to slide in and out and I literally became incoherent. Jacob could have been calling me names or telling me the house was on fire or that the war had just started and I would have heard all of it but it wouldn't have mattered a bit to me.

Because damn, this was _heaven_.

"Come on, Nessie," Jacob urged quietly against my lips, every single part of him seriously working me over. His hands, his body, his lips. How was I supposed to handle it all? "Come on, baby, let go. Let me take care of you. I'm right here with you – come on."

Those words. Those words undid me.

And if the first time was like flinging myself off a high-rise building, this was a free fall from an airplane. Not a fall, a pull. I was being yanked down, down and down but up at the same time. I had never felt so much pleasure in my body; I had never thought it would be like this to be so close with my Jacob.

My back arched high and my body clenched around Jacob, to the point it was almost painful but I was beyond all that now. Way past it. Sitting way, way up high on some tidal wave of amazingness and the pain couldn't get to me now.

Jacob let out a loud "fuck" into my open mouth and fisted the mattress hard with the hand beside my head. Soon, the whimpering that meant I was too sensitive to be touched started so Jacob took his hand away but it was far from over. I was – I was relaxed, I had finished, but my body was still shivering with pleasure. It was like the aftershocks of a massive earthquake.

As soon as Jacob took his hand from my body he brought it back up to its original position and started thrusting into me hard. It wasn't rough, but it was definitely hard. Raw, desperate need for release.

After maybe five of these hard thrusts, Jacob cursed again and froze above me, sheathed completely inside of me and I knew what was happening. Jacob's hips started to thrust again after a second but they were broken, rhythmless.

"Nessie . . ."

I had gotten Jacob there. Jacob was doing _that_ . . . inside of me.

My last thought was that this was all too perfect to be true before Jacob's hips gave one last, much slower thrust into me and then his body drained. He half-collapsed onto me, barely holding his full weight off of me but I didn't mind.

Jacob gave me a passionate, sweaty, open-mouthed, relieved, grateful, perfect kiss as I felt my arms fall and his hair finally fell around him again. I felt Jacob . . . soften inside of me and then he slid slowly out, but I didn't feel empty this time. I felt more complete than I ever had.

Jacob's right arm reached down to do something between our bodies, but when he tiredly moved himself back up over me, it was his left hand he lifted to my face. Jacob's body was so _hot_ against mine.

"I love you, Nessie," he said, still breathing a little hard, but his tone was full of relief and not tension. "I love you so much."

"I love you too, my Jacob," I whispered, reaching up to get another one of those amazing, tired, sweaty kisses. "I . . . I'm so glad to be your wife."

I brought my left hand to his mouth and brushed my fingers across his lips, but I'll admit the real reason was because I wanted to see the ring on my finger. And I wanted Jacob to feel it.

Then Jacob lifted the hand from my face and laced his fingers through mine, our rings brushing. He brought our joined hands down between us and kissed me again.

"You were so amazing, Nessie," Jacob said, his dark eyes holding so much love. I was so happy I wanted to cry. "I – are you okay now?"

"I am so much more than okay now, Jacob," I promised him, starting to feel my eyelids get heavy. "You were so amazing too, so . . . patient with me. Thank you."

Jacob just shook his head and shifted off of me, onto his side and pulled me into him like we slept together every night. Except now we were naked. Now we were married. Now we were together in a way nobody could take apart.

"I'm your husband, Nessie," Jacob said, a tired smile on his lips as he pulled me into him. I felt a wet spot on the mattress when I shifted and it made me blush and smile at the same time. "You're my imprint. It's what I'm for."

I turned my weight and my breasts brushed Jacob's stomach. It was nice, but not arousing. I was worn out.

I looked up at Jacob and hardly believed what was coming out of my mouth when I said, "I've never . . . finished that hard. I'm so tired."

Jacob's eyes widened like I'd said something he hadn't been expecting, which I had, but it was a tired movement. Jacob looked tired too – he should be; he was the one who'd been holding his weight off of me for however long it was. How long had it been?

It was dark outside now, and it hadn't been when we came into the room.

"Me either," Jacob said finally, tracing patterns on my bare back with his hands. I flushed with pleasure, a different kind, at that. That I could give Jacob something as amazing as he had given me. "Though earlier comes in second."

I laughed a little against his chest. It was comfortable. We had just been so intimate, so together and nothing was awkward. I was so happy.

Then Jacob's stomach growled loudly, and I laughed even more. I reached my hand out touch Jacob's stomach, press against the muscles there.

"Is my baby hungry?"

"I can deal with it until morning," Jacob said, something about as rare as I would akin to spotting a unicorn. He nuzzled his face into my hair, placing a kiss there. "I don't want to get up."

"I can fix you something," I suggested, even though I didn't really wanted to get up either. I was tired, and I never wanted to be anywhere else besides right here. "Or get you some spaghetti. There were leftovers, right?"

Jacob chuckled and wrapped his arms around my waist tighter.

"The whole point of the not-getting-up thing was so I could stay here with you," he said as I threaded my leg through his. I was really getting used to the skin-on-skin. "Unless you're hungry, in which case _I'll_ be going to fix you something."

"Dinner in bed with you sounds extremely tempting," I told him, sliding up a little further so we were more level. I was met with the image of licking spaghetti sauce off Jacob's stomach, and while there was definitely an interest in doing something like that in the future, it wasn't going to be right now. "But I'm seriously tired, and I don't want to leave you either."

"Don't worry," Jacob said, running his fingers through my curls. "You're not."

I gave him a slow, tired, married person smile. Yes, it was definitely a married person smile. He gave me one back. I liked it.

But in the middle of Jacob's said married-person smile, he was interrupted by a huge yawn.

"I'm beat too," he managed to say around it. His yawn triggered my own and he laughed at me when I was done. "I didn't think anyone could make yawning look cute, but you manage it."

I rolled my eyes at him and let my head fall heavily back into his arm. My body had been put through the wringer today. It was time for a rest.

"I love you, Nessie," Jacob muttered into my hair just as I was drifting off. It sounded like he was too. I felt his mouth on my forehead. "I'm so glad I have you."

I wanted to say something back, I really did, but I was too far gone. I fell asleep in my husband's arms, our left hands twined loosely together.

* * *

**Coming up:**

"Nessie," Jacob's voice was loud and I sensed the Alpha on the edges, wanting to take over. "Why are you walking like that?"

"Like what?" I attempted weakly, but it was just that, weak.

I didn't want Jacob to know because he'd freak out for no reason and assume he half-killed me and not even listen when I'd try to explain that it was normal. But I had, as Jacob would say, fucked that up.

"Nessie," Jacob said again, and I could see that all I'd done was make the Alpha take over fully. Jacob had stopped eating and was sitting up straight, staring at me. "Walk to me."


	49. In Which There is Sucky Girl Crap

**_A/N:_** All right, here's The Aftermath. I love capitalizing things - it makes them seem more important than they are. I think this is most commonly referred to as "the morning after", but whatever. It's here. I do love Nessie's internal reaction to Jacob wanting to take her to Carlisle, let me know if you feel the same. This chapter and the next were also originally supposed to be one, but they also grew. So you get two. :)

I'm not sure how sore you're expected to be, but taking into consideration that Nessie's as small as she is, while Jacob's as large as he is, combined with the fact that her half-vampire skin resists change, I think it's feasible. But hey, I could be wrong. Feel free to correct me and/or give advice or opinions.

Also, something I've been meaning to mention for awhile: you'll notice Jake and Nessie eat together a lot and mostly from the same plate/cup. In the Middle East it's completely normal, but I know that not so here. But that's not the point, the point it's here is because I find sharing a plate or drink with someone very intimate and love the idea of Jake and Nessie sharing everything. So yeah.

Oh, oh, and - I've been nominated for Best Review Replier at **The Golden Chocolate Awards**! Voting hasn't started yet, but I'll let you know when it has! Yay!

Last thing, I promise: anyone wanna guess what Jake mumbled at Nessie? I know it's not hard at all or anything, but I used to do guessing games all the time and now I never do. I miss it. :)

**_Disclaimer:_** Not mine. Keeping it short to make up for the huge A/N.

**_Dedication:_** This chapter goes out to all you lovely ladies who supported me throughout this long journey and sent support and wonderful words and - and all of it. You are truly beautiful people and I owe you a lot. Thank you.

**

* * *

**

In Which There is Somewhat Normal Sucky Girl Crap

* * *

_i'm naked around you  
does it show?_

_- avril lavigne, naked_

-

I always read and heard people saying things like when they first woke up they were confused for a split second, wondering where they were or it took them a few minutes for it to all come back but I didn't have one of those. I opened my eyes with the full, amazing, wonderful, spectacular knowledge of what had happened the night before.

Jacob and I were married. Husband and wife. And last night, we had cemented that fact.

Jacob was still asleep, an arm slung around my waist and his head turned in the opposite direction, buried in the pillow. I took a second to stroke his hair while I thought about everything.

This didn't happen much while we were running, me waking up before Jacob. I think it may have happened a total of three times and all of them were when I had gotten my period and had to have him drive me to a convenient store. I think it had something to do with the stress and him being a wolf, keeping his guard up since he sure slept good at home.

He slept lighter when we were running too, any slight noise making him jump awake. Usually, a band could parade through the bedroom and Jacob would just keep on with his chainsaw impression. That was another thing – he didn't snore while we were running either. Must have had something to do with the sleeping light.

I really, really needed the bathroom but I didn't want to wake Jacob. But maybe, since the snoring and the sleeping late seemed to be back, the sleeping like a log would be too?

I shifted my weight a little, trying to sidle out from under his arm to see if it'd jerk him awake and it didn't. So I decided to just be brave and lift his arm lightly, sliding out from under it. Jacob kind of grabbed for me, but I slid out quick, giving a triumphant little hop when I avoided him.

Note to self: triumphant hops are _not _a very good idea the morning after doing . . . that for the first time. I was sore. Really sore.

So sore that I was walking funny as I leaned down to slip on my panties from the night before. They were dirty and that was kind of gross, but I wasn't comfortable walking around Jacob's house naked yet. I think I might even actually be a little mortified if Jacob turned over now and saw me.

It was just, all morning and bright and I'd . . . just be standing there, naked.

Besides, I was getting a shower as soon as I could and I'd be changing. I decided to forgo a bra since that was stupid and just slipped Jacob's shirt that I'd worn the night before on and did three or four buttons up. Jacob shifted heavily on the bed, groaning in his sleep and kicked the covers off.

I froze.

Jacob was lying on his stomach, spread out on the small bed now that I was gone, completely naked. And he was so beautiful. I felt myself blush as I raked my eyes over him again and again, feeling a little guilty but telling myself that was stupid. Jacob was my husband. I could look at whatever I wanted. I'd already seen it all anyway.

Still, I wobbled back over to the bed, so I really probably wasn't embarrassed enough. I always loved Jacob's skin, the best copper, red-brown color. I used to be jealous when I was little, but I got over it. But Jacob was that color _everywhere_. He had no tan lines. How was that even possible?

I couldn't resist reaching out to touch his copper shoulder softly with my fingertips. The fingertips of my left hand. The ring caught my eye and made me grin.

I slowly ran my hand down Jacob's smooth, muscular back, enjoying the feeling of his skin under mine but stopped embarrassedly when I reached the swell of his hips. But then I told myself to get over it – Jacob had touched me there, it was his favorite part even and I wasn't getting all shy and embarrassed about that.

I ran my hand, lighter and quicker than before, over his backside. My fingers stopped on their own at the top of Jacob's thigh and I nearly jumped out of my skin when Jacob's hand came back to swat at mine. I thought he'd woke up and caught me but he just mumbled, "Quiddit tiglz" and shifted again, exposing more of him to my eyes.

I decided I'd done more than enough for this morning and I needed to get to a bathroom, but I didn't head there straight away. I picked up our clothes (which wasn't pleasant, what with the bending) first, folded them neatly and tossed the used condom into the trashcan in Jacob's corner that hadn't been there before. It had a bag, so I figured it was all right.

I felt very . . . wifely, cleaning our clothes up off Jacob's floor after our . . . night together.

I waddled to the bathroom, which was a painful experience, literally and metaphorically. I rushed through it as quickly as I could, though it still took much longer than it would have in normal circumstances. There was some blood, but not much. I wasn't bleeding now at any rate, so I guess I would be fine with just my panties.

I decided another very wifely thing to do would be to cook my husband breakfast. I hadn't cooked for Jacob in months and I missed doing it. I twisted my hair up into a knot that would not stay without a tie and waddled into the kitchen, _ow, ow, owing_ with every step.

I told myself this wasn't the New York Marathon and just Jacob's kitchen. Besides, once I was in there, it was so small I wouldn't have to do much walking. But I was definitely getting a long, hot shower and not doing any more walking than I had to today.

I decided I would make pancakes, eggs and hash-browns since that was generally Jacob's favorite but then I saw there wasn't really enough flour to make as much pancakes as Jacob would eat. There was an awful lot of bread though, so I changed my mind and started preparing the things to make french toast.

I got everything all together on the counter beside the stove so I wouldn't have to move again and then started. After awhile I started getting back into the hang of things and the not-having-to-move thing helped a lot. I even started humming a little, though I definitely didn't do any dancing. Not today.

I finished all the eggs and hash-browns and, reluctantly, set them in the old microwave to keep warm. I say reluctantly because I had to walk to get to the microwave. I wonder if it hurt this bad for normal human girls and if it did, how long it took them for it to fade. And if it would take longer for me.

I remembered a particularly vivid moment from last night and shuddered. Worth it.

I was just finishing the french toast, having saved it for last since it didn't like to sit, when I heard a very familiar voice clearing its throat. My eyes shot up to see Jacob leaning against the doorway of the kitchen in some gym shorts. His hair was pushed back behind his ear on one side and his arms were crossed casually across his chest.

"Morning," he said quietly, giving me the married person smile and pushing off the doorframe to walk to me. Jacob wrapped his arms around my waist and pressed his body gently into my back, hugging me from behind. If we didn't have a freakish height difference, he might have rested his chin on my head. "Have you been up long?"

"Only about half an hour," I informed him, turning a little to face him and tilting my face up towards him. "Did you sleep well?"

"Like a baby," he told me, leaning down and kissing my lips softly. "I was about to ask you the same thing."

"I always sleep good with you," I mumbled, feeling myself blush for no good reason as I flipped another piece of french toast onto a plate. I cooked them whole, not bothering to even cut the slices of bread. Jacob said he could eat them easier that way.

"That smells so good," Jacob said as his stomach growled loudly, seconding for him and I laughed. "Is it almost done?"

"Sure is," I said, happy that I decided to do this. "You can grab the eggs and hash-browns out of the microwave and set them on the table and get down the syrup. It's on the very top shelf of the last cabinet so I was waiting for you."

Jacob made what I think was the manly version of a squeal of happiness, a happy-sounding groan, at the idea of there being hash-browns and eggs.

"I know your angle, Nessie," Jacob told me as he left me to do what I told him. I felt cold. "I see where you're working from. I know the only reason you married me is because I can reach the tall stuff."

I laughed and shot a glance at Jacob over my shoulder as he brought the syrup easily down, not even extending his arm all the way. He opened the microwave and grabbed the plate of food with his other hand and started walking towards the table.

"You caught me, Jake," I said, flipping the last piece of toast onto the plate. I turned to face him. "I do still hope you'll be my ladder, though."

Jacob was already sitting down and picking hunks of eggs up with his fingers and shoving them into his mouth. I had to laugh again.

"You can climb me any day, Ness," Jake mumbled around a huge Jacob-finger-pinch of hash-browns. Then I think we both kind of blushed, but it didn't matter. We'd get over it eventually.

I took advantage of Jake's head being down and made one quick hop over to the refrigerator and pulled it open.

"Okay, what do you want to drink?" I asked him, surveying the contents. "You have – "

"We."

"Hmm?" I asked, looking back over at Jacob who was actually looking at me instead of the food in front of him.

"You said 'you have'," Jacob clarified. "But it's we. This is _our_ house, Nessie."

I flushed with pleasure at that. Our house. Me and Jacob's house. Oh, that sounded so good.

"Okay, well, _we_ have," I corrected, pausing here to shoot him a smile that he returned. "Coke, water, orange juice – "

"Is there tea?"

"No," I said, shooting myself mentally in the foot for forgetting it. That would have been perfect. "But I can make some, it'll only take a minute – "

"Na-uh, I was just asking," Jacob said, back to stuffing food into his mouth with his fingers. "Is there milk?"

"There is milk," I said, feeling a little relieved. I reached out and grabbed the gallon, turning to walk back to the sink with it like normal until I remembered. That shit hurt.

So I kind of broke my stride half way and half-hopped the extra step back to the sink. I mentally cringed and prayed Jacob had had his face buried in the food when I'd done that, but sure enough –

"Nessie," Jacob's voice was loud and I sensed the Alpha on the edges, wanting to take over. "Why are you walking like that?"

"Like what?" I attempted weakly, but it was just that, weak.

I didn't want Jacob to know because he'd freak out for no reason and assume he half-killed me and not even listen when I'd try to explain that it was normal. But I had, as Jacob would say, fucked that up.

"Nessie," Jacob said again, and I could see that all I'd done was make the Alpha take over fully. Jacob had stopped eating and was sitting up straight, staring at me. "Walk to me."

To refuse would be stupid for a number of reasons, it being childish among them. Also it would probably lead Jacob to think I was worse off than I was. My best bet would probably be to try as hard as I could to walk over there normal. So I did.

I took slow, measured steps and tried to control the winces on my face as I approached where Jacob sat at the table. But it seriously did hurt. Jacob's arm came out to wrap around my waist and pull me to him. He settled me into his lap, not roughly at all, but I still winced hard and made a little noise.

I honestly just hadn't been expecting it, but Jacob's eyes were wide with horror.

"How bad did I hurt you, Nessie?"

"You didn't hurt me, Jacob," I assured him quickly, rubbing his chest but he didn't relax a bit. "I'm fine, it's normal – I swear it is. I think it should be gone by today even, if I just take it easy. A hot shower and I should be fine."

"I'm taking you to Carlisle," he announced, making my jaw drop.

That was one thing we were definitely _not_ doing. I was not going to go to my grandfather, the morning after my wedding night, to inquire to him about why I was so sore after I just had sex for the first time with my huge werewolf husband so he could tell me it was normal just to make Jacob feel better. No way. Jacob was going to take my word for it this time.

"No, you're not, Jacob," I told him, softly but firmly. "We were married yesterday, and that means I'm grown up, okay? Of course I would let you take me to Grandpa if something was wrong, but nothing is."

"You can't walk, Nessie!" Jacob exclaimed, jostling me a little and then catching me to steady my body, his eyes wide. "I hurt you so bad you can't walk!"

"I can walk, Jacob," I told him, trying not to roll my eyes. "I'm just sore. Last night was amazing. Even – even now, I can't wait to do it again. It's hard even for normal human girls, and like you said last night, my skin resists change. I wouldn't lie to you, Jake."

"You swear this is normal?"

I nodded furiously.

"If – if I find out you're lying, Nessie, or downplaying it because of me, I'm – "

"I wouldn't do that, Jacob," I told him seriously. He had to get that. "Even though the thought would probably cross my mind because I don't want you to worry like you do, I would _never do that_."

"You say you just need a shower?" Jacob said, skeptically but like he was willing to be persuaded. "And to relax a little and you'll be fine?"

"Some food wouldn't hurt either," I joked, trying to lighten the situation, and it worked. Well, sort of. Jacob smiled anyway. "You're not the only person who worked up an appetite last night."

Jacob didn't smile as wide as he should've.

"There's blood on the sheets," he said abruptly.

"That's – that's normal too, Jacob," I soothed. I – I was sorry Jacob had seen that, since I knew how his brain worked when it came to me but I was glad I actually had some knowledge on something to offer. I had gotten this far in my short, clinical study of sex. "Without getting too – too technical on you, that's . . . that's kind of something that has to happen."

Jacob nodded and looked like he was thinking for a minute.

"I'll finish fixing breakfast," he said finally. "You sit."

"Seriously, I'm fine, Jacob," I started to protest, but Jacob had already stood up and sat me down gently in his place, wincing when I did. "I can finish putting the stuff on the table."

"I believe you about this sucky girly crap being somewhat normal, Ness," Jacob said, setting the gallon of milk and two glasses on the table and going back for forks and the plate of french toast. "But if you think I'm letting you do any damn thing while you're hurting, you've got another thing coming."

I watched with amused, annoyed, touched eyes as Jacob finished setting everything up and sat down, pulling a chair from the other side of the table to sit directly beside me. He even poured my milk, which I think was pushing it a little.

We didn't need extra plates, since we usually just ate together off the serving plate, last night being an exception. I couldn't fill Jacob's plate for him, since he didn't have one, but I pushed the plate of french toast towards him, urging him to try it.

Jacob, of course, had to drown everything in syrup first, then he picked up a piece of toast with his hands and took a huge bite off. He let out another loud happy-groan sound.

"Damn, Nessie," he said, which I took to mean it was good. "I missed you cooking for me."

"I was going to make pancakes," I told him, smiling wide as he stuffed the rest of the toast into his mouth and washed it down with half a glass of milk. "Since they're your favorite, but there wasn't enough flour."

"Anything you make is my favorite," Jacob said around another piece of toast, gesturing for me to start eating so I picked up my fork. "Especially if it tastes like this."

"I'm glad you like it," I said, still grinning. "I'd be a pretty bad wife if I made my husband eat pizza and chinese for the rest of his life."

"My wife cooked me breakfast," Jacob said, more to himself than to me, grinning. I knew how he felt – it felt good to say it.

"It was the least I could do," I said, reaching over with my foot, careful not to shift my weight, to touch Jacob's. "My husband cooked me supper last night."

Jacob grinned wider and shifted his foot under mine so our skin brushed together. He was so sweet.

I took a bite of french toast and had to concede that it wasn't my worst effort. Which was good because my worst effort concluded in Jacob having to put out a fire with his hands and ending up with burns that took about an hour to heal, me crying over it the entire time.

Of course, since my husband was Jacob, breakfast was a quick affair. He had wolfed down everything in about ten minutes or so, leaving a piece of toast and some eggs and hash-browns for me. I warmed at his sweetness but I'd been eating with him too, just not at super speed so I was full. He gladly finished off the rest and the last few swallows of my milk too.

I watched Jacob set the dishes in the sink, not washing them, and put the milk back in the fridge. Good thing I'd washed the dishes and put up the supper from last night or the tiny sink would be overflowing.

Jacob walked back over to me when he was done and reached a hand down to twirl in one of my curls.

"You said you wanted a shower?"

"A hot one," I clarified, wondering if I could trick Jacob into leaving to go get something so I could get there. "Long too."

I smiled, just to show him I wasn't devastatingly injured. The rest of me needed a shower too. I imagine I smelled like Jacob-sweat after last night, but I really didn't mind.

"All right," Jacob said, confusing me when he kneeled down in front of me. Until he wrapped one arm around the back of my legs and the other around my back and lifted me gently, not jostling me at all. "To the shower it is."

Jacob carried me to the small bathroom, walking me in sideways so we'd fit and set me down gently in front of the tub.

Jacob turned on the water, explaining, "It takes a minute to heat up."

Then he crossed the tiny bathroom and shut the door.

He wasn't leaving.

Jacob turned back to me, his eyes a little hesitant and I suddenly felt thousands of worlds shyer than I had last night. Last night it had been dark, we'd been in a bed under covers, and I'd been completely, ridiculously aroused past caring about anything. Now, in the bright bathroom, just standing here I wasn't sure if I had the nerve to take off my clothes in front of Jacob.

Jacob touched my face gently, tilting it up to look at him then he dipped down and kissed me softly.

"Are you – " I gathered my nerves between kisses. "Are you going to stay with me?"

"If you want me to," Jacob said, his other hand reaching down to rub my shoulder softly. "I – I'll leave if you want, but . . . I was just wanting to take care of you a little more."

As stupidly self-conscious as I was, I would never ask Jacob to leave. And I didn't want him to leave. We'd worked through this last night with the most important step, and now we'd work through it again. I wanted to be completely comfortable with Jacob.

"Am I staying, Ness?" Jacob asked me, his lips brushing mine and clouding my thought for a second.

"Mmm," I mumbled, reaching up to put my arms around Jacob's shoulders until I realized the stretching hurt. "You're always staying, Jacob."

Jacob's hands came out to catch my arms and guide them back down to my sides, sensing I guess my discomfort. He sat down on the closed toilet, lifting me lightly and moving me so I was standing between his spread legs and our heights were more suited. Then Jacob leaned in and kissed me, his hands moving to the buttons of his shirt.

My heart accelerated and I told myself to stop being stupid as Jacob slowly undid button after button until the shirt hung open. Jacob ran a hand over my breasts and down my stomach, making me shiver against him and he kind of smiled into my mouth.

Then Jacob's fingers hooked into either side of my panties, just like last night, except this time I was standing and it was much easier. I just parted my legs a little, which wasn't exactly necessary but would avoid unneeded touching on sore places, and Jacob's strong hands slid them down my legs.

He didn't let go of my lips, letting the panties drop the rest of the way on their own when his arms couldn't reach anymore and I stepped lightly out of them. Jacob's tongue slipped past my lips, lightly, briefly for a few seconds as he pushed the shirt gently from my shoulders and then I was naked in front of him again.

One of Jacob's hands ran down my back and over my backside gently, his warm skin sharp contrast to the cold air in the bathroom and I shivered again. Jacob's lips pulled away from mine with a soft sound.

"I think the water should be hot now," he told me, his eyes making me good-dizzy and I just nodded.

Jacob made like he wanted to stand up, so I stepped back, wincing as I did so, and realized only after I did that this brought me right into his line of sight. I automatically moved to cover my breasts before I remembered Jacob's reaction to that last time and pretended I was scratching my shoulder instead.

I think Jacob knew what was up anyway, because his hands came out to clasp my wrists gently and guide them down to my sides. One of his hands came up and massaged my breast softly and I watched, intrigued, as my stomach tightened. The touch definitely wasn't new, but the fact that I could see it all was. Our touches had never been this open, this intimate, this casual.

After a few seconds, Jacob's hand slid back up to my neck and he kissed me one more time.

"Let's get you in the shower, Ness," Jacob said, and with that he swept me lightly up again.

But this time I was naked, and it was different.

Jacob set me lightly in the shower and I watched interestedly as he stepped back and slipped his shorts down his legs. I took his body in hungrily like I hadn't already seen it this morning and my stomach tightened even more. It hurt a little, from the soreness, but still felt good. I wonder if . . . if it would hurt too bad if we did that again now.

Jacob did say he thought about us in the shower.

And Jacob certainly didn't look opposed to the idea. Certain parts of him didn't, at least, as he climbed into the shower. I wanted to touch him again. Without the shirt this time – I wonder if he would let me.

Probably not.

I stepped back into the hot spray to make room for Jacob as he stepped inside the shower, pulling the blue dolphin-patterned shower curtain shut behind him. Everything got a few shades darker. The water poured down my back, soaking my hair, some of the water trickling forward into my face but my eyes were locked on Jacob.

The shower was small and there was only room for Jake to take one small step forward. He reached out and pushed my hair back so all of it could get fully soaked. The hot water felt amazing on my tired muscles and was actually even helping me relax a little.

"If I tell you something, you won't think I'm perverted?" Jacob asked, a crooked smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. I shook my head vehemently and Jacob slid his fingers through my wet curls, meeting more resistance than usual. "Sometimes, when . . . before us, I mean . . . when you'd leave me to go off and shower, I'd sit and think about you. One of the things I always thought about was how your hair would look, all wet. Darker than usual, the curls all straightened out."

He was fingering what would have been a curl had my hair been dry the entire time. I wanted him so bad.

"That – that first night after the wedding," I confessed, reaching out to press a wet hand against Jacob's dry chest. "When you left me to take a shower in the morning, I kept – thinking about you and I got so . . . so _frustrated_ . . ."

Jacob's eyes widened like he was surprised, but then he said, "I know."

"You know?"

* * *

**Coming up:**

Once Jacob finished washing my legs thoroughly and I started to let the relief course through me that he hadn't tried to do _that_, his warm hand pressed lightly on the back of my knee. I looked down at him in question.

"Lift up, Ness."

I – how could I do that? I couldn't just stand here, already all naked, and just open my legs like that. I know Jacob was my husband, but that was just too . . . exposed. Maybe in a bed, under covers in the dark. But not now . . . with Jacob's face so close. It just wasn't . . .

Jacob interrupted my thoughts by pressing on my leg again, a little more insistently.

"I'm gonna take care of you, honey," Jacob promised, his eyes serious, and I decided to trust him. He'd never led me wrong yet.


	50. In Which Freesia Breeze Sounds Cool

**_A/N: _**After my previous extremely length A/N's, there's not much to say about this chapter. Jake and Nessie work out some intimacy and trust issues in much better ways that normal people do, I'm sure, and come out on other end better, I think. I like this chapter, Nessie's rant and the . . . rest of it. Besides that, I have nothing else to say. For once. :)

Ah - thought of something else: I'm looking for a beta for a J/N tragedy/romance one-shot for the SOB contest, if anyone could be so helpful as to point me towards some info. Thank you!

**_Disclaimer:_** I don't own the lyrics or the characters, just the things I make them do. SM would hang her head in shame. :D

* * *

In Which Freesia Breeze Sounds Cool

* * *

_you can dress  
me up in diamonds  
you can dress me up in dirt  
you can throw me like a lineman  
i like it better when it hurts_

_- ashlee simpson, lala_

-

"I smelled it," he said, and a piece clicked into place. Why he'd been acting so weird that morning. I blushed without really knowing why. "I – it was so hard to keep control of myself that first time."

"I'm sorry," I apologized, wondering if he'd lean down so I could give him a kiss. "But . . . you don't have to do that anymore. Keep control of yourself, I mean."

Jacob kind of groaned, low in his chest, but mostly seemed to shake the comment off. I knew he would. He was still feeling bad.

"Don't be sorry," Jacob said, reaching down to massage my shoulder soothingly with one hand. "Just turn around so I can wash your hair."

"Wash my hair?" I asked, even as Jacob's hand slowly guided me around so my back was facing him. I wasn't sure why I felt more exposed this way.

"Mmm," Jacob said, pressing my head forward gently to soak the rest and then guiding me back a step so my head was out from under the spray. "I'm taking care of you right now, remember? Now, do you want freesia breeze or coconut cream?"

"What?" I asked, unable to hold in a giggle, as I looked back at Jacob over my shoulder. He had a bottle of shampoo in each hand.

"Unless you want Head and Shoulders, which is what I'm about to use. I'm just telling you the girly shit Rachel's got in here."

I turned back to face the front of the shower, still grinning. "You choose, Jake. I trust your judgment."

"Freesia breeze sounds cool," Jacob decided after a second and I heard stuff being set back down. A second later, Jacob's hands were in my hair, the cold shampoo shocking me a little.

He was gentle in the extreme, probably not getting it as clean as he should've really, but I couldn't bring myself to mind. Jacob's fingers threaded through my hair like he knew exactly what he was doing, gathering the length of my hair in his hands and massaging the shampoo into it. About halfway through, I forgot even that we were both naked really, I was so relaxed. I could have fallen asleep.

Just before I did though, Jacob's warm voice pulled me back out, saying, "Turn around so I can rinse it out, Ness."

I did, remembering then that we were both very much naked as Jacob's body came into view. I was face-to-face with the very top of Jacob's stomach until he tilted my head back so he could get the shampoo out. He let me right my head before too long, reaching back to focus on getting the shampoo out of the rest.

I swallowed hard after a few tempting seconds of being so close to Jacob's body like this. So of course my mouth blurted, "You're so handsome."

Jacob's fingers in my hair slowed down, but they didn't stop as he looked down at me, kind of smiling.

"Well, you're so beautiful. But you knew that."

"You're just – you're just always telling me how pretty and beautiful and – and stuff I am, but I never tell you," I explained, feeling a little silly now. "I just wanted to tell you. You're so . . . all of it. Beautiful, handsome, hot, sexy, all of it, Jacob."

I'm not sure if it was just my eyes, but I think Jacob's got a little darker. He pulled me out of the spray and grabbed what I assume was conditioner without looking at it.

"Thank you, then," Jacob said finally as he squirted the contents of the bottle into his huge palm.

I didn't have anything else to say, so I just nodded and stood quietly as Jacob massaged conditioner into my hair. I stopped him when he tried to guide me back under the water, though.

"Conditioner has to sit," I informed him, reaching up to twist my now-slick hair into a sort-of bun that immediately half unraveled. "Five minutes, at least."

Not that I really cared, even though I usually did let it sit. I just wanted to see what Jacob would come up with to keep us entertained for five minutes.

"That's fine," Jacob said, then I think his cheeks got a little pink but I couldn't be sure. His long arm reached out of the shower and came back with something: a washcloth. "I'll get a head start on washing your body."

I swallowed hard and my thighs squeezed themselves tightly together, even though it kind of stung. Wash my body?

"Wash my body?" My mouth said, mimicking my thoughts.

Jacob's arm reached back past my head to soak the washcloth as he nodded at me, grabbing a bar of soap and lathering the rag up. Oh, God. This was looking like it was about to be both amazingly good and amazingly frustrating.

I tried to control the fluttering of my heart as Jacob slowly rubbed the soapy washcloth over my shoulders and collarbone. Then he brought the cloth down over my breasts, massaging one and then the other through the material and I moaned a little. He didn't move on like he should have, but kept up on this vein for a few seconds.

I forced my eyes opened with a sigh and looked up at Jacob.

"Am I very dirty there?" I joked, feeling a smile teasing on my lips.

Jacob waggled his eyebrows at me in response, turning my smile into a laugh that moved my body against his hand in a way that was . . . interesting. I moaned again, just a little.

Jake moved on then though, shocking me by sinking down onto his knees as he did so. I placed a hand into his still mostly-dry hair to get his attention.

"Jacob, you don't have to – you'll hurt your knees."

"I'm not going to hurt anything, Nessie," Jacob assured me, scoffing a little. "Don't worry about me right now, honey."

Jacob's face was level with my breasts now and he leaned in and pressed a kiss between them as he brought the cloth down to wash my stomach. My arousal continued to grow steadily and Jacob meticulously washed every inch of my body. It tickled when he reached around to rub the cloth across my backside, and I half-giggled, half-groaned in a way that made Jacob's eyes darken even more.

Once Jacob finished washing my legs thoroughly and I started to let the relief course through me that he hadn't tried to do _that_, his warm hand pressed lightly on the back of my knee. I looked down at him in question.

"Lift up, Ness."

I – how could I do that? I couldn't just stand here, already all naked, and just open my legs like that. I know Jacob was my husband, but that was just too . . . exposed. Maybe in a bed, under covers in the dark. But not now . . . with Jacob's face so close. It just wasn't . . .

Jacob interrupted my thoughts by pressing on my leg again, a little more insistently.

"I'm gonna take care of you, honey," Jacob promised, his eyes serious, and I decided to trust him. He'd never led me wrong yet.

So it was with extreme embarrassment and humiliation beyond words that I let Jacob guide my left leg up to set my foot on the edge of the tub. My hands automatically went to Jacob's shoulders for support.

The muscles in my thighs almost quivered, with nerves and anticipation as Jacob slowly slid the washcloth up my inner thigh. I shivered almost violently.

"Nessie?" Jacob's voice said quietly, making my eyes flutter down to where his were watching me. "Can I wash you with soap here?"

I almost wanted to laugh at Jacob's cautious inquiry. He thought I was more breakable than I was. I smiled kindly and tried to ignore what was surely my flaming red face as I stood, barer than I had ever been, before Jacob.

"Soap is fine, Jake."

Then Jacob ran the cloth gently between my legs, the semi-rough material brushing against my favorite place and making me buck unexpectedly against Jacob's hand. I hardly even noticed the twinge of soreness from a little further back.

"Are you okay?" Jacob asked hurriedly.

"Yes," I mumbled, feeling even more embarrassed than before. "I just wasn't expecting it. It was a . . . nice surprise."

The next thing I felt was Jacob's hand through the washcloth, slipping back to wash me where I was the sorest . . . while the thumb of Jacob's other hand pressed directly into my favorite place. I gasped and bucked again.

"Jake!"

"Yeah, baby?"

I absolutely loved it when Jacob called me baby, something he'd been doing a lot more lately. I wasn't sure why, but it was so sexy.

But I had nothing to say back, so I just shook my head, clinging to his shoulders now.

Jacob's finger continued to press into me as the washcloth disappeared from between my legs. I vaguely noted that Jacob's long arm was rinsing it out behind me. When it came back, it was to wipe away the remainder of the soap and Jacob switched from touching me with his thumb to the heel of his palm.

Jacob leaned in, his dark brown eyes locked on mine, and pulled one of my nipples into his mouth.

It came up fast, unexpectedly so. Faster than it ever had. I don't know how or what or when or where, all I know is that a second later I was clutching onto Jacob's head for dear life and bucking harder than ever against his hand as wave after wave of pleasure coursed through me.

I sagged against Jacob's body, too momentarily exhausted to even be embarrassed as he released me from his mouth, flicking his tongue across where his teeth had scraped me. Jacob swept the cloth gently between my legs one more time, taking away more than soap this time as I whimpered at the sensitivity.

I think he dropped the cloth because a second later, I felt one of his hands on my hip, steadying me, and the other guiding my leg back down so I was standing normally. Jacob leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to my stomach that made me shiver again.

I think I had the most amazing husband in the world. I mean, I didn't have anything to compare it with, but damn. Was it weird that I wanted to cry?

Jacob stood up, fluidly, effortlessly, and suddenly he was towering over me again. I didn't think twice before I leaned in and wrapped my arms around his waist, burying my face in his chest. Then I felt his hardness, pressing insistently against my upper stomach.

Unbelievably, desire rose up in me again.

Jacob tried to step back a little, make some space between his hips and my body without pulling away from me but I pulled away fully. I placed my hand on Jacob's hip, let my fingers play across the ridge of it for a second before I slid my hand over to wrap around him.

He inhaled sharply through his teeth as I stroked him twice slowly. I stopped, pausing to check his face for approval and when he opened his eyes I saw I didn't have it.

"Nessie – "

"Why do you always try to stop me, Jacob?" I asked, picking up my movements again and watching Jacob's jaw tighten when I did. "Let me make you feel good like you make me."

"I just – feel like I'm – I already – take so much – "

"Take so much what?" I asked, as I continued to run my hands over him. "You never take anything from me, Jake."

"Like last – night – I, I hurt you so bad you – can't walk and – and still even now when I – think about it – all I remember – is how fucking amazing – "

"Me too, Jake," I said, almost slowing my hand on him but then decided not to. I wasn't giving him the chance to get aware enough to stop me. "That's all I remember too."

Jacob closed his eyes and let his head roll back, one hand reaching out to fist against the shower wall and the other burying itself in my hair. I leaned in and pressed a kiss to the very top of Jacob's stomach.

"I love it when you kiss me, Jacob," I told him quietly, speeding up my strokes momentarily to help make my next point. "And when you touch me."

I steeled myself for about three seconds before I leaned in and flicked my tongue against Jacob's nipple. Jacob's hips bucked into my hand and I was relieved that he seemed to like it. I certainly did when he did it with me.

"And taste me," I continued, already steeling myself again. One day, one day, I would be able to say whatever I wanted to Jacob without being embarrassed. "And I absolutely love it when you're inside me."

Jacob groaned out loud and then bit his lip like he was trying to hold another one back, but he kept his eyes shut tight. Why wouldn't he open his eyes?

I stroked him harder, my other hand reaching up to brush my fingers across his pectorals and tease him like he always did me. I wanted to get him there.

"Look at me, my Jacob," I said, surprised to hear my voice firm. "Open your eyes."

His eyes flew open, darker than dark and so full of love it made my stomach hurt. I leaned up to flick my tongue across him one more time before I pulled back, our eyes locked together the entire time, still moving my hand in time with the subtle clues from his hips.

"I love you, baby."

Jacob . . . pulsed in my hand and his back arched, his hips slamming forward. His hands came down to pull me against him and I felt something hot splash against my stomach but my eyes were glued to Jacob's face. I would never get tired of watching Jacob like that, not in a million thousand hundred years.

When Jacob's body finally relaxed, his muscles and the . . . rest of him, softening in my hand, I released him. Jacob's eyes flew open again, but this time they were horrified.

"Shit, Nessie," he said, reaching for me. "Fuck, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to – "

I followed Jacob's eyes down, confused, and realized when I saw my stomach. I smiled.

It felt like . . . a mark. I liked it.

"It's okay, Jacob," I soothed, looking back and forth between my face and his stomach. "It's . . . it's more than okay, really."

"Seriously, Ness, I can't believe I just – "

"Would you just stop freaking out, Jake?" I asked, a little exasperated. I tilted my face up for a kiss but Jacob either didn't get it or just didn't want to comply. "We're married, Jake, we can't be shy. When – when I'm shy, you get me over it. When I tried to cover myself, you wouldn't let me. When I tried to hide that I was sore, you wouldn't let me. When I didn't . . . when I was uncomfortable . . . opening my legs, you worked me through it."

Jacob just watched me. I couldn't read his eyes. And I wasn't done.

"I trust you, every time. You don't – you don't know how nervous I was, being naked in front of you the first time but I trusted you because you told me to. I always trust you, but you never trust me. You always think I'm lying or downplaying it or trying to make you feel better and I'm _not_, Jacob!"

"Nessie – "

I ignored him. It was my turn to talk.

"I like touching you. I like when you bite me and kiss me rough and act all Alpha and call me yours. I like when you stick your hand down the back of my jeans and I like that your favorite part of me is what it is and I . . . I like what happened just now. You have to believe me, Jake."

"You like that?" He asked me, like he always did. "You're not . . . grossed out?"

"No!" I exclaimed. "Did . . . when you touch me and – your fingers, I mean – d'you think that's gross?"

Jacob's face changed. "I just never really thought of it like that."

"Well, that's what I'm here for," I said, smiling because I'd won.

Jacob leaned down and kissed me then, which is what I'd been waiting for. It felt like hours since I'd kissed him. I wrapped my arms around Jacob's neck, surprised when the movement only brought a little twinge of soreness, and deepened the kiss.

Jacob's arms came around my waist and lifted me lightly off my feet, taking a step forward so we were both under the spray of the shower. I ran my fingers up into Jacob's gorgeous hair as the water soaked through it and kind of went into sensory overload. Jacob's body against me, hot and now wet, and the water crashing down all around us. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't amazing.

Jacob's body was . . . nice wet, my skin sliding against his easily. Despite the soreness that was still there, I wanted to wrap my legs around Jacob's legs and let him slide inside me. Could we do that? Standing up, here, in the shower?

The image of Jacob pressing me up against the shower wall and thrusting into me hard like he had at the end of last night burst into my mind and my stomach tightened hard. Jacob groaned loudly and a second later, I felt the cold tile of the shower against my back and my legs immediately lifted to wrap around Jacob.

Jacob had seen. Did that mean . . . ?

I was pressed against Jacob's stomach and doing my best not to rub myself against him to achieve the friction I so badly wanted as Jacob kissed me a little harder. One of his hands came to palm my wet breast, making me make a noise into his mouth.

Jacob slid me down a little, his body still holding me firm, and then I was pressed against him. All of him. Oh, yes. My inner muscles clenched in anticipation and it sent a trill of pain through me.

"Nessie," Jacob said, a little breathlessly against my lips. "I'm only going to ask you once and I'll believe whatever you tell me: are you too sore for this right now?"

I wanted to say no. To scream it. I wanted to reach down and grab him and force him inside of me to help relieve the itch that was irritating both of us. But Jacob was trusting me. And like someone I loved very much once told me: when someone trusts you, you can't abuse it.

I was still feeling kind of sore, and as much as I wanted to, as amazing as I knew it would be, I had a feeling I would only be hurting worse in the long run. I would give it today, just to be safe. For me and for Jacob. I was so proud of him.

"I – I think so, Jake," I said quietly against his lips. "It's . . . much better now, and I – I want to so bad, but I think we should wait a little while."

As I knew would happen when I said this, Jacob nodded against my lips and kissed them one more time. Then set me gently back down. Jacob's dark eyes were lust-hooded and I could tell mine were too. The steam of the shower wasn't helping any either.

When Jacob finally rinsed that conditioner out, I had the smoothest hair in the world.

* * *

**Coming up:**

"I wasn't embarrassed," I assured Jacob. "That's – it's not why I blushed. Don't worry, Jake."

"You weren't?" Jacob said, to which I shook my head and he nodded. Just like that. He was really working on this believing me thing.

"Besides," I said, thinking a little teasing never hurt anybody and Jacob certainly did it to me enough. "I know how much you probably enjoyed it. You can't get enough of my ass, figuratively and literally."

I know my face probably got even darker, but it was worth it to see Jake choke on his smoothie. He turned to me with wide eyes.

"Oh, really," he said, his face composing itself again and I knew I was about to get something shot back at me. "Well, everybody has their thing: asses, stomach lines. Any particularly interesting dreams last night, Nessie?"


	51. In Which an Interesting Habit Develops

**_A/N: _**Kayness, here's this. Maybe it wasn't what you were looking for, but it is what it is and I like it. I wonder what you think about Jake's new habit - I admit I'm a fan, although I'm a fan everything Jake does. It's not exactly surprising, considering Jake's . . . tastes. :)

I have a couple of non-_HoM_ related things to say: the first is to ask everyone to check out my newest one-shot, _The Sweetest Girl_, an entry for the **Sort of Beautiful Challenge** and let me know what you think! Also, I'd like anyone who's not technologically retarded like me and interested in making banners for challenge winners to contact me - I got something for ya. :)

So . . . that's about it. Voting still hasn't started for **The Golden Chocolate Awards** and they have no information on their site pointing as to when it will, so I'm sorry to report that I have nothing to tell you. Just that when October 1st rolls around, stop by and vote for _The Sweetest Girl_ at the SOB Challenge page! I'll post a link when it gets a little closer to time - or you could just search it. lol.

Oh, and because why the hell not, reviewers get an **extra preview**.

**_Disclaimer:_** I don't own anything. Don't lie, it's my originality with these disclaimers that draws you back, isn't it?

* * *

In Which an . . . Interesting New Habit Develops

* * *

_y__ou make me wanna lala  
__in the kitchen, on the floor_

_- ashlee simpson, lala_

-

I woke up this morning with my feelings in complete contrast to how I'd woken up the day before.

The scene was almost exactly the same, minus the lack of clothing. I was still curled around Jacob's warm body, though it felt different now where the clothes interfered since I knew how it felt now to be without. Jacob was still snoring softly and steadfastly beside me, his arm lying across my chest and his fingers buried in my hair.

I was still married and completely and utterly in love.

But now I had remembered something that had completely escaped me yesterday. Something that had come crashing down on my head as soon as I opened my eyes.

My fourteen days. My fourteen days that were now twelve.

It was like the night Billy died, but a million times worse. Because the horrible thing was that the amazing thing was about to be taken away. I don't know how I was going to survive it.

And worst of all, I wouldn't even have Jacob to distract me for the rest of the day. Another day lost.

Jacob had pack stuff to do that had been put off for . . . obvious reasons, and I needed to spend time with my family. Which I wanted to, I really did, but I every time I walked past a clock or a calendar or anything like that my heart would flop into my stomach and all I could think about was how little time I had left.

I rolled out from under Jacob's arm again, not that I wanted to, but nature was calling. Also, I liked the idea of eating breakfast with Jacob again before we had to be separated for the day. Most of it, at least. Jacob promised he would make it as quick as possible, but I knew how that stuff was. And Jacob wasn't cutting corners when it came to my safety.

The soreness was completely gone this morning, making the bathroom a quick and simple affair. I brushed my teeth with a half-grin. Maybe Jacob would want another shower after he got back home this afternoon.

I made omelets this morning and actually got a little creative and did smoothies. There was an awful lot of bananas and peaches and even a half-box of strawberries that looked like they were going to go bad before they got eaten so I blended them up with some ice, milk, and a little sugar. I hoped Jacob would like them. I was no Martha Stewart, it was just that growing up with Jake had given me an appreciation for food. Wasting food was heresy in Jacob's book.

I think he mentioned something about it being a Black family rule once.

This time, Jacob got right up behind me before I noticed him. He nearly made me spill the blender full of smoothie in the sink, but his warm arms steadied mine quickly, preventing that.

"You need to quit that," he said as he hugged me from behind, the arm that wasn't around my waist taking the blender from my hands and setting it on the counter. "You're going to spoil me and then I'll expect breakfast ready every morning when I get up."

"I don't mind," I told him, still blushing a little from the surprise and his hot body pressing against mine. "I like cooking for you."

"Well, it smells good."

I felt Jacob's knees dip behind me and then his lips against my neck. For some reason, it tickled this time and I shrugged my shoulders up and turned my head down against the sensation, giggling.

"What," he said, kissing my neck again and then pretending to bite me gently before I felt his smile get in the way. "No kiss this morning?"

If my Jacob wanted a kiss, a kiss he would get, so I turned in his arms to do just that. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he grabbed my hips and our lips met in the middle. It wasn't exactly a good morning kiss, but in a good way. I broke it before it turned into a Nessie-drags-Jake-back-to-the-bedroom kiss.

"How's that?"

"So good I want another one," Jacob answered, leaning back down and capturing my lips for another few seconds. I was surprised when I felt Jacob's hand reach back and pop me lightly on the behind. "Now, let me get some of that smoothie."

I turned back to get the blender, blushing furiously. Surely something that simple shouldn't affect me that much? My stomach was much tighter than it should have been.

Jacob had already set the omelets and two glasses on the table by the time I got my thoughts back together, so I grabbed two forks and the blender and set them in front of Jake's chair. Jacob pulled another chair over right beside him and gestured for me to sit down. He poured my glass and then his, being sweet as ever.

I scooted my chair a little closer, so they were touching and I could throw one of my legs over to rest between Jacob's. His fingers came down and ran along my bare thigh, his eyes flowing up to where the shorts started. I remembered him expressing appreciation for them last night. I would have to thank Alice.

Jacob's stomach finally proved too strong a call to ignore and he picked up his fork, digging into his omelet. I watched him for a minute before I set into mine, to see his reaction. He took two huge bites and then gulped down some smoothie. He turned to me.

"This is fucking awesome, Ness," he complimented, already shoving more eggs into his mouth.

I took his word for it and tried a sip of my smoothie, surprised to find it pretty good. Especially good for a first attempt. I knew I could make eggs too, but I was still relieved they turned out all right.

"Listen," Jake said a half-glass of smoothie later. "I'm sorry if I – embarrassed you or something a minute ago. I was just playing."

I swallowed a bite of egg and looked over at Jake in confusion. "What?"

"With – " I was surprised to see Jacob's face go pink. "You know, when I . . . smacked you."

I stared down at my eggs for a second, because I was embarrassed. Not because of what Jacob had done, but because my reaction had forced him into this awkward, unneeded apology. And I was even more embarrassed about my body's reaction to it.

"Why would you think I was embarrassed?" I said, settling for evasion and refilling Jake's smoothie. I rubbed his thigh and took another bite of eggs while I waited for his answer.

"Because your face turned red as hell and it still is," he answered, nothing if not honestly. "I didn't mean to, Ness."

"I wasn't embarrassed," I assured Jacob. "That's – it's not why I blushed. Don't worry, Jake."

"You weren't?" Jacob said, to which I shook my head and he nodded. Just like that. He was really working on this believing me thing.

"Besides," I said, thinking a little teasing never hurt anybody and Jacob certainly did it to me enough. "I know how much you probably enjoyed it. You can't get enough of my ass, figuratively and literally."

I know my face probably got even darker, but it was worth it to see Jake choke on his smoothie. He turned to me with wide eyes.

"Oh, really," he said, his face composing itself again and I knew I was about to get something shot back at me. "Well, everybody has their thing: asses, stomach lines. Any particularly interesting dreams last night, Nessie?"

His abrupt change of subject confused me for a second . . . until I remembered my dream. It was a normal one that I got every few nights or so. Starring Jacob, of course.

A shirtless Jacob, who laid back and let me kiss down his chest until I reached the place where his hips cut down, disappearing into his jeans. Except last night, the dream changed a little. Jacob and I were married now, so we were both naked.

And I always, always, in every dream, married or not, ran my tongue down that line.

And somehow, Jacob had seen. It was my turn to choke on my smoothie.

"How did you see that?"

"You had your hands on my chest," Jacob said, shooting me the sexiest smile. "I wasn't trying to see. I actually thought it was my own dream at first, but then it was so realistic I thought I was awake. I obviously realized I wasn't when I woke up, and well . . . then I figured it out."

"You could've moved my hand," I mumbled, but without heart. I was kind of embarrassed, but not really. Shocked would be a more proper term.

"And miss the show?" Jacob said, an arm coming around my shoulder and pulling me close to show me he was kidding still. "No way in hell."

Jacob leaned down and nuzzled my ear a little, making me shiver as he placed a hot kiss to my temple.

"You know I'm just teasing you, baby," Jacob said into my ear, and I decided teasing wasn't so bad. "We'll have to try that dream out one day."

Could one day be tonight?

"Mmm," I said, pressing my face into Jacob's chest to hide my smile at the prospect. "Please."

Jacob swallowed his last bite of egg and I pushed my half of the plate towards him and let him take what was left in one huge bite. He washed it down with the entirety of his just refilled smoothie and pushed the plate away from him.

Jacob's hand slid down my back, his fingers playing along the place at the small of it where my shirt didn't meet my shorts. Alice.

"You want to shower first, Nessie?"

I nodded at the normal question. My heart sank when I remembered we wouldn't be spending the day together. Then it raised a little as I got an idea.

"You want to come with me?" I asked, leaning up to kiss Jacob's jaw. "To save time. And water."

"We wouldn't end up saving much water," Jake chuckled, reaching down to get my lips in an eggy, fruity kiss. "Or time. I'd have you in there all morning, and I really need to check up on the pack."

He couldn't check on the pack in the afternoon? Nothing sounded better to me than some pack-time after a long, three hour morning shower. Except maybe for some Jacob-time after a long, three hour morning shower.

"Okay," I agreed, knowing it was important. Besides, if Jacob was really going through with this, I wanted him as prepared as possible. I pulled myself reluctantly out of his arms and stood. "I'll go first, but know it won't be half as fun without you."

"You mean without the happy ending."

"What?"

"Nothing," Jake said quickly, his face turning pink, but I think I understood. He popped me on the behind again, which made _me_ go pink and my stomach tighten up. "Get to the shower, Ness, before you break my willpower for good."

I went then, since I didn't want Jacob to see my face and think I was lying to him. That would probably lead to me having to explain why I was so pink, which I still didn't understand well myself. I guess I just liked that too. I mentally added it to my Jacob-list.

The shower felt bigger without Jacob in it. I didn't wash my hair, since it got some pretty deep-root conditioning the day before and I wanted to get out quick. I brushed my teeth in the shower before I got out and wrapped myself in an old, kind of ratty towel. I would have to get some new ones. I wanted to make Jacob's home nice for him; besides, these things were so small I don't know how Jacob used them anyway.

Jacob was, to my surprise, washing dishes in the kitchen when I walked past so I decided to pop in on him. Which, of course, doesn't work with a werewolf; Jacob looked up the second I stepped into the kitchen.

I tried not to blush as his eyes raked down my frame.

"You don't have to do that," I told him, nodding to the sink. "I was going to do them."

"Yeah, while I drink beer and watch SportsCenter with my hand down my pants?" Jacob asked, rolling his eyes and smiling a little as he set the last of the dishes on the dry-rack. "I can do stuff too, Ness."

I tried to picture the image Jake had just given me and couldn't. The SportsCenter, all right, but the rest? No way.

"Whatever," I told him instead, as he dried his hands on his shorts and picked up a glass of smoothie off the counter and drank from it. "I'm done with the shower, if you want it."

"Okay," Jacob said, reaching down to wrap an arm around my waist and pull me against him. "I'll get to it in a minute."

Jacob's other hand ran over my damp shoulders, down my back where the towel didn't cover.

"I'm gonna miss you today, Ness," Jacob said, his voice a little rough. And his eyes were definitely dark.

I opened my mouth to tell Jacob I would miss him too, but all that came out was a squeak as he lifted me by my waist and sat me on the counter. I was surprised, but decided I couldn't complain when he stepped between my legs and leaned in so our foreheads were pressing together.

"I'm gonna miss you a lot."

"Well," I said, pretending to think as I let my fingers trip down his chest. "Why don't I give you something to remember me by?"

I pressed my lips to his before he could answer and felt Jacob's arms pull me further towards the edge of the counter so we were pressed together. I wrapped my arms around Jake's neck and arched my back into him as he parted my lips with his tongue.

I gripped Jacob's hair as one of his hands reached down to grasp my breast through the towel. I hope it held. Or maybe I didn't – I wasn't sure.

Jacob ran his thumb across me and I made a little noise into his mouth. He pulled away.

"We have to stop now," Jacob said against my lips. Damn it – it had only been two days and I had already gotten used to not hearing that. "Or I'm not going to be able to keep my mind off you when I'm phased and then I'll have to kill my pack."

I don't know why I didn't remember the pack mind until then. I felt my face blaze red.

I thought about all the things Jacob had seen that he could slip up and show them, all the things that were only meant for Jacob to see. Me in my underwear, in the shower, even – even now. I didn't want them seeing any of it. They were private moments, between me and my husband. They weren't meant for anyone else.

"Oh, please try, Jake," I pleaded, feeling my eyes go wide. "Don't think about any of it if you can help it."

"I won't, Nessie," Jacob assured me, and I believed him. "But I should still probably put you down now."

Jacob gave a small smile and I nodded my assent, taking one last kiss.

"Jacob?" I asked as his hands closed around my waist, preparing to pull me down.

"Mm?"

"I'm feeling much better today," I said, knowing he would get what I meant. Jacob's eyes widened and darkened at the same time.

"Are you?"

"Mmhm," I said, leaning and brushing our lips together. I definitely didn't want Jacob to think about me while he was phased, but I did want him to hurry home. "Come home early if you can, all right?"

Jacob swallowed hard. "All – all right, Ness."

"I'm going to miss you too, you know," I told him as he set me down. Also, his hardness wasn't lost on me as I brushed it on my way down, but I don't think Jacob would let me help him this morning. "I can't wait for tonight."

Jacob groaned. "You're not making my job any easier, Nessie."

"Sorry," I apologized, trying to hold back a smile. I steeled myself for about half a second before I ducked out of Jacob's arms and smacked him on the behind. "Now get to the shower, Jake, before I break your willpower for good."

Jacob made a kind of growling sound that I really liked and his arms grabbed for me, but I dodged them and sprinted back to our room, laughing.

"Payback, Jakey," I called as I made my way over to my suitcases to dig through them for something suitable to wear. I felt the air move and looked up to see Jacob standing in the doorway.

"I'm going to get you back for that," he told me, his dancing eyes telling me that I would probably enjoy my payback very much. "Just not this morning, because we don't have time."

"Tonight," I suggested, throwing a midnight blue bra-and-panty set on the bed. Jacob's eyes followed them and then flicked back to me. Thank you, Aunt Alice.

"Tonight," Jacob agreed, then disappeared from the doorway. The shower cut on a second later.

I dropped my towel and pulled on my bra and panties quickly before I went back to my suitcase. I was married now – did that mean I should dress different? I mean, I still wanted to wear jeans and regular stuff, but I was going to see my parents for the first time as a married woman . . . didn't that require something a little grown up?

Some white linen pants that looked pretty loose and comfortable caught my eye so I pulled them out. I then sent out a mental word of thanks to Alice when I saw she had coordinated everything into outfits. I pulled out the midnight blue and white-striped sweater with relief. Less work for me.

The pants were a little high-rise so I thought they looked kind of weird, but the sweater came down to my hips and would cover it up. Speaking of the sweater, it was clingier than I would have liked but the sleeves came to right above my elbows and the neckline didn't show a hint of cleavage so I guess it was the best I could ask for coming from Alice. The only person I was trying to show cleavage to was Jake.

I stepped into the heels that were my something borrowed. Alice wanted them back, so I'd wear them there and then give them to her. I wasn't planning on going anywhere besides the big house and right back here, so I could ride home barefoot. I wasn't _that_ grown up.

I brushed out my hair and pulled it back with the clip from the wedding. I know Alice couldn't see us, but sometimes I just didn't believe that. Things just tended to work out too perfect with her. I examined my hair. It wasn't Alice-perfection, but it would do.

I adjusted my bracelet from Jacob that I hadn't taken off since he attached it and played with my wedding ring for a second before I looked back up into the mirror. I remembered something with a kind of half-smile. I went back to my bags to dig for the massive makeup bag Alice sent with me for the pomegranate lip balm.

I went back to the mirror and applied some. There. Now I was done.

I set the balm on the dresser under my and Jacob's picture just as the real Jacob walked back into the room, a towel around his waist. A very small towel.

He stopped short when he saw me.

"What?" I asked, examining myself. "Is it too much? I just wanted to look nice."

"N-no, it's not too much."

I stepped back so Jacob could pull some of clothes out of his dresser, some jeans and a t-shirt I remember him wearing all the time before. It seemed like years ago and not months.

I figured Jake might want a little privacy, so I walked across the room to pick up my towel and took my time hanging it on the side of Jacob's bed. Our bed. By the time I looked back, he was zipping his jeans up and reaching for the shirt. I noticed he didn't bother with underwear. I shivered a little.

"I like those pants," he said abruptly as he pulled his shirt over his head. His eyes went to my hips as soon as they were clear of his shirt neck.

"Thanks," I said, warming a little at the compliment. I walked around to his side of the bed. "I'll probably end up ruining them by the end of today though, since they're white. Fall or spill a drink on myself or something."

"Try not to," Jacob said, wrapping an arm around my waist and pulling me against him. The fingers of one of his hands played across my hip and made me shiver again. "I _really_ like those pants."

I blushed as I got it. I nodded into his chest.

"But you really do look gorgeous right now, Ness," Jacob said, a little more seriously, to which I mumbled thanks again. "So grown up."

I looked up at Jacob, his wet hair clinging to his face. "Do you like me better like this?"

"I like you however, Ness," Jacob said immediately, which wasn't what I meant. I think he knew it too, because the next thing he said was, "I mean, you know I have favorites. But I like you like this too."

I nodded and tilted my face up for a kiss, which Jacob complied with. I parted my lips a little, which I knew would prove too hard for his tongue to ignore. I wanted to get his reaction to the balm before we left. He hadn't said anything on our wedding night, but well . . . we'd had other things on our mind.

"Mmm," Jacob said a second later and I knew he had tasted it. "I like that shit."

"I thought you would," I said, smiling a little into the kiss as Jacob nipped my lip. "Does it remind you of anything?"

"Mmhm," Jacob said, his hand sliding down to squeeze my backside and I knew he remembered. "And I think you know what too."

I couldn't help but laugh a little. I pecked Jacob's lips once more and then pulled back. Jacob never said anything, but I knew it was uncomfortable for him to kiss me when we were both standing since he had to bend so far. It had to be. And since we didn't have the time to lay down . . .

Jacob groaned. "We have to fucking go now, don't we?"

I made my face sad as I offered him my hand and deadpanned, "We have to fucking go now."

Jacob's face broke into a grin and he pulled me in for one last kiss.

"All right, my little half-vamp princess, I think you've got an appointment with my in-laws."

"You are so lame," I told him, but I was grinning.

Jacob smacked my backside again, which I think was becoming a new habit. Not that I minded. If I could only keep my stomach from tightening up every time. Not that I minded that much either, but the blushing was annoying.

"I'm going to be doing that forever now, you know that, right?" Jacob warned me, a smirk on his lips.

"I don't mind." I wonder if he knew how much.

"All right, but we really have to go now."

I took Jacob's hand and let him lead me out the door. I couldn't wait for tonight.

* * *

**Coming up:**

"Do you . . . like that?"

I nodded again. It was weird, but that's what it was. "Is that okay?"

The tips of Jacob's fingers slid under the edge of my panties and I rubbed myself hard against him, trying to relieve some of the tension that he had just so helpfully built up even worse than before.

"Whatever you want is okay with me," Jacob said, and I was so relieved I kissed him. "Don't be shy to ever ask me for anything, Ness."


	52. In Which There is Game

**_A/N: _**Hello, ladies! Yes, it is a Saturday. Yes, it is an update. Guess why? Today's my birthday! Well, I technically won't be 17 until 8:10 am on the 26th but since it's after twelve, it is the day of my birth!

I've decided to update as a treat to myself and y'all as well. Mostly for me, because I couldn't think of a better birthday present than reviews! lol. Don't go thinking I'm all selfless or anything.

So . . . how about y'all break my review record as a little birthday gift to yours truly?

Although that would be awesome, I am just kidding. I love every single review and appreciate all of them. This chapter's been written for months so I'm _so_ excited for y'all to get to it. I like a slightly kinky Nessie - I think it's ridiculously awesome. Let me know if you agree. I also am a fan of _PotC_, so I'm not hating - it was just fun to write. :D

**_Disclaimer: _**I don't own anything, except a really bad day that isn't looking up tomorrow even though it is the anniversary of my birth. This day includes but is not limited to: washing my phone in the washing machine, finding out my Dad has decided to go out of town on my birthday, and injuring myself on multiple occasions. So yeah. :D

And yes, I totally just copied and pasted this A/N from _Undeniable_ and edited it to fit. I'm tired.

* * *

In Which There is Game Elizabeth Wouldn't Be Able to Say No to

* * *

_i'll be your french maid  
when i meet you at the door  
i'm like an alley cat  
drink the milk up, i want more_

_- ashlee simpson, lala_

-

I sat by the front window, leaning into Mom's cold embrace, and twisting Jacob's wedding band in my fingers. Waiting for him to get home.

"You're going to wear it down to nothing if you keep that up," Mom teased me, looking up from Pride and Prejudice. She had a kind of obsession with that book.

Jacob couldn't phase with his ring on – he'd tear it apart and break his finger in the process, so he gave it to me to hold for him when he left this morning. I knew it was necessary, but I still felt childishly upset about it. It hadn't even occurred to me that Jacob would have to take his ring off all the time. I never planned on removing mine.

"I just miss him," I mumbled, still feeling childish. I hadn't seen my family in months and now I was finally back with them and spending my time worrying about Jacob.

Momma hugged me closer. "I know, Renesmee, sweetie."

I'd actually had a pretty good day. Everyone was really careful about not mentioning my twelve days in front of me or anything related, so I didn't know much more than I did this morning but we were together. Jacob called Rachel as soon as we got here and she came flying over with Paul, despite his protests of not wanting to wander into vamp land.

I'm not sure why Jacob just didn't have her come over to the house since it was closer, but I didn't ask. I was too nervous, about a number of things.

The first was that I would be going back to see my family for the first time after doing . . . that. And they would all know it. It wasn't exactly like we were going to hold a discussion (except for a few questions from Aunt Alice that I dodged), but the idea still made me uncomfortable.

Also, I would be meeting Rachel. Of course, I'd met Rachel loads of times, but never as Jacob's . . . wife. Never as anything more than his friend, and I was worried she wouldn't think I was good enough for her brother or something like that. I don't know – I mean, obviously she knew about the imprint since she was one, but still. Nervous.

But everything went amazingly well. There was some crying and a few mutters about "Dad" that I saw made Jacob uncomfortable. He hadn't gotten to go say goodbye to Billy yet. Rachel's eyes widened when he told her that we'd been married and she stared at me like she was seeing me for the first time.

Then she barreled me over.

"Oh, congratulations, Nessie," she said into my ear, her voice still a little shaky from crying. "You don't know – he loves you so much, Nessie – you've made him so happy. Thank you."

I didn't know what to say so I just hugged her back and whispered, "I love him too."

Jacob, Rachel and Paul left then to drop Rachel off and then go meet with the rest of the pack. I would be spending the rest of the day with my family, which I really wanted to do, but I didn't see why Jacob couldn't just meet with the pack here. Again, I knew these thoughts were childish and irrational, so I didn't voice them.

I spent the rest of the day hanging out with whoever wasn't congregated together, whispering too fast for me to hear. It changed from hour to hour.

Grandpa Carlisle asked me about my diet and if I'd noticed any changes in my body or health while I'd been running. This led to me telling the farmer's-market-fruit-binge story which made him laugh. I liked to make Grandpa Carlisle laugh.

I asked Momma and Grandma to teach me to cook something new – my non-breakfast food knowledge was pretty limited and I wanted to cook something nice for Jacob. I think, from the way they looked at me from under their lashes, that they knew what I was up to but they didn't say anything. They just led me into the kitchen and taught me enchiladas and chicken parmesan. And left me with enough food for two nights' supper.

Dad said he wanted to see if my piano-playing skills had dulled while I was gone, so I played with him a little. I'd never been drawn to it as much as Daddy was, but it was a nice way to spend time together and I guess the skill was useful.

When I tried to give Alice her shoes back, she accepted them, turned around in a circle and then gave them back to me as a gift. Then she began to instruct me on how to use each and every one of my outfits, most of which I hadn't even seen yet. Uncle Emmett very subtly helped me escape from my crash-course in fashion torture by lifting me over his shoulder and running me down the stairs.

He carried me to Aunt Rose, who demanded to play with my hair, so I sat down and let her do that while Uncle Emmett played with Aunt Rose's hair. Well, pulled on it and bothered her a lot until she slapped him, the boom of their marble skin connecting vibrating through the house.

I didn't get to see Uncle Jasper at all, really. He was always in the center of the planning. It didn't matter who wandered in and out, since my entire family did at some point, Uncle Jazz was always with them.

I knew all this stuff was important – of course I did. Twelve days, twelve days, twelve days was pounding in my head like a heartbeat. But I was at least hoping for a quick game of chess with him.

It was almost dark now, and everyone besides me and Momma was locked in Grandpa Carlisle's study. I hadn't seen Jacob since this morning, the longest in months I'd gone without seeing him and I was ready to get home. I wasn't even thinking about the physical part anymore. I just wanted to change my clothes and crawl into bed with Jacob and ask him about his day.

It also wasn't lost on me that I thought of Jacob's house – our house – as home now. I mean, the big house was still home, sort of, but like it'd always been. A second home. But I hadn't thought about the cottage once since I'd been back.

I spun Jacob's ring on my forefinger, hula-hooping it all the way down and then closing my fist around it. Come on, baby, get home.

Then the door flew open, a scent I hadn't realized I'd been missing until I smelled it carrying in to me with the breeze, and there he was. Jacob strode in, pulling his shirt over his head and I jumped off the couch and ran over to him.

He held out his arms and I jumped into them, hugging him tight against me. His skin was hotter than usual from just having phased as I pressed my face into his neck and whispered, "I missed you."

"I missed you too, honey," Jacob said in my ear, placing a subtle kiss to my neck that probably could have been brushed off as him just pressing his face there. "How was your day?"

He sat me down and I took his hand and dragged him towards the living room.

"It was fine," I told him as we went. He said hello to Momma and went when I pulled him down on the couch next to me. "I hung out with whoever was free all day. I learned how to cook some new stuff – it was fun."

At the mention of food, Jacob's stomach growled.

"Hungry?" I asked, obviously, reaching forward to place a hand on Jacob's stomach before I remembered Mom was there.

"Yeah," Jacob groaned, nodding deeply and collapsing back onto the couch. "I haven't ate since this morning."

"I've already packed up the stuff for supper," I told him, settling for touching his arm instead. More casual. "But I can go get it. Do you want to eat here or can you wait until we get home?"

Jacob's eyes changed, just a little, at the idea of home.

"Nah, nah, I can wait," he said, sitting back up. He heaved himself up off the couch – he looked so tired. "I have to go talk to – to everybody about today, but that shouldn't take more than five minutes and we can go, all right?"

I nodded, watching as Momma stood to go with him. I stood too.

"I'll get everything together," I announced, sliding past them to head towards the kitchen. "Call me when you're ready."

Jacob nodded, giving me the married-person smile when Mom wasn't looking before they headed up the stairs.

Jacob wasn't gone long. I had just finished getting everything out of the fridge and found my shoes when I sensed his scent get stronger. He appeared in the doorway to the kitchen a second later.

"You ready, Ness?"

"Yes," I said, as Jake approached to try and get the containers but I caught his left hand when it reached out. "But I want to do this first."

I slid his ring back on, and it felt almost as amazing as it had the first time.

"Thanks," Jacob said, flexing his hand once it was on like he was testing the weight of it. "I'd been missing that."

I couldn't help but smile wide as I let Jacob gather up the two huge containers of food and take my hand in his free one.

"Everybody said to tell you bye," Jacob informed me as we headed to the door.

I nodded. I would be seeing them again tomorrow. I was both looking forward to and disappointed by this. Another day away from my Jacob.

Jacob opened my door for me and I took the tupperware from him and settled it into my lap as Jacob shut my door and walked back around to his side. I guess we'd taken over Uncle Jasper's Porsche. I didn't really want to give it back. Too much had happened in this car. It felt like ours now.

Jacob took my hand once we got on the road and we sat in a kind of silence for awhile.

"How was your day?" I asked finally. "How's everyone from the pack?"

"Everybody's good," Jacob nodded, turning into La Push and my stomach tensed in anticipation because I knew we were close to home. "Seth's trying to figure out how to tell his . . . Natalie about everything. He doesn't want to freak her out."

I smiled at the casual way Jacob mentioned Seth. All that confusion and mess seemed thousands of years ago.

"Oh," he said, like he realized something. "Emily had the babies."

"Really?" I exclaimed, bouncing in my seat a little. I couldn't wait to see her. "Oh, a boy and a girl like they said, or what? Is everything okay? When?"

"Um . . . yes, yes, and about a month ago. In that order."

"Wow," I said, sitting back in my seat as I thought about it.

Could that be me and Jacob one day? If . . . if all of this shit worked out and everything came out on the other end all right, could I have a baby for Jacob? Jacob's baby?

I didn't want to think about if we found out that I couldn't.

Jacob let go of my hand to cut the engine when we pulled up in the small yard of the house. We got into the house and I immediately headed into the kitchen with the food since I didn't want to make my poor hungry Jake wait any longer.

"Chicken parmesan or enchiladas?" I asked once I had pulled out plates and forks and everything else we would need.

"What?" Jacob's voice said from the living room. I popped up on my tiptoes to see Jacob collapsing onto the couch. He'd changed into his gym shorts from this morning.

"I cooked chicken parmesan and enchiladas, so we've got enough for two nights," I called, grabbing a pot from the cabinet and setting it to fill in the sink. I wanted to make Jacob some tea. "Which do you want first?"

"Enchiladas!" Jacob called back, louder than he needed to. "D'you want to eat in front of the TV tonight?"

"Whatever."

"You wanna watch that stupid pirate movie that you like?" Jacob called back, making me roll my eyes. Jacob hated the Pirates of the Caribbean series, but it was my guilty pleasure. "It looks my sister shares your great taste, 'cause she's got like all three."

"Put the first one in if you don't care," I told him as I dumped the tupperware of enchiladas onto a huge serving plate and stuck it into the microwave.

"Like I know which one that is." I could _hear_ Jacob rolling his eyes.

I popped up onto my tiptoes again to see Jacob sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of the entertainment center. He had pulled his hair back. My stomach tightened up. I wasn't sure how much of the movie we'd get through.

"I'll come do it," I told him, stopping myself just as I made to wipe my hands on my pants. If Jake wanted these pants to stay in wearable shape, I needed to get out of them. "Just let me change my clothes really fast."

I dashed to the bedroom and threw open my suitcase. It was really stupid to change every night when the clothes weren't dirty, but I was slowly gathering my nerve to wear some of Alice's stuff in front of Jacob. Not the lacy, stringy, see-through stuff, but the stuff I guess Alice would consider regular boring pajamas.

I left my bra on, which I didn't usually do (but Jake seemed to like it this morning and well, I wasn't ashamed to say I wanted him to get a good look at it) as I slid on a new pair of silky blue shorts and white tank-top. Which just so happened to be right under where my clothes from this morning had been.

Color- and outfit-coordinated. Alice was good.

I folded my clothes neatly and set them out of the way to be washed and redid my hair, taking the clip out and pulling it back with a regular tie. I left my shoes stacked neatly by the dresser and skipped back out to the living room where Jacob was lying back on the couch with all three Pirates of the Caribbean DVDs sitting on the coffee table in front of him.

I grabbed the first one, stuck it in the DVD player, and tossed Jake the remote.

"There," I told him, trying not to blush as I watched his eyes rake down my legs. "By the time it gets through the previews and everything, the food should be done."

Jacob nodded absently, his eyes still on my legs. I forced myself to walk slowly back to the kitchen – I wanted to try to wiggle my hips or something, but I knew I'd probably end up embarrassing myself.

The enchiladas were steaming hot in microwave and the water was boiling, so I cut it off and dropped in a couple of tea bags. I dug for a pitcher, dumping a couple cups of sugar into one when I found it. I carried the food in to Jacob while I let the tea steep.

He groaned out loud when I came into view, setting the huge plate and forks on the table in front of him. He shot up in his seat.

"Is that a good groan or a bad groan?" I teased as I straightened back up.

"Let's see - my girl in tiny shorts bringing me a giant plate of Mexican food?" Jacob deadpanned, flushing me with pleasure. "I'd say it's a pretty damn good groan."

I smiled and started to walk backwards to the kitchen. "Well, dig in, and I'll be there in a second."

I finished fixing the tea faster than I ever had. I probably should have let it steep longer, but I didn't care. Jake didn't either. I just wanted to get back out to where he was so we could eat and watch our movie or _not_ watch our movie . . .

I filled two glasses with ice and held them from their mouths with one hand and the pitcher with the other, since I was one hundred percent sure Jacob would be taking refills and I wouldn't want to get up. I went back into the living room to find Jacob staring down his food like prey, but the plate was untouched.

"You don't like it?" I asked, starting to feel a little embarrassed. I tasted it and didn't see anything wrong. "You want me to heat up the chicken parmesan?"

"I'm waiting for you," Jacob said, taking the pitcher from me and filling our glasses when I set them down.

I was touched. A starving Jacob waiting when the food was right in front of him was unheard of. I wanted to kiss him, since I hadn't since this morning, but I knew Jacob was hungry and if I kissed him now we wouldn't get to the food for awhile.

"Well, wait no longer," I announced, sliding into place beside him and handing him his fork. "I'm here."

That was all the invitation Jake needed. He snatched the fork out of my hand and dug in. I reached behind him and grabbed the remote to press play, since I was getting tired of hearing the Black Pearl music. I made sure I set up the subtitles first, since Jacob claimed he needed them to understand Jack Sparrow.

"'Oo no wa ah ade dis muvee?" Jacob said through a mouthful of enchilada as I snuck a bite and the beginning credits started.

To a normal person, this sentence might have been incomprehensible. But luckily I had seven years of Full-Mouth-Werewolf-Speak under my belt.

"No, Jacob, why?" I asked, even though I knew because he told me every time we watched it.

"Well, the biggest reason," Jacob said, becoming more intelligible as he swallowed. "Is that you shouldn't have to read when you watch a movie. That's the whole reason you watch the movie instead of reading the book. If I wanted to read, I'd be reading,_ not_ watching a movie."

"First thing," I said, my speech too already rehearsed. "Most people don't have to read – they just pay attention and understand; and there is no book. It's just a movie."

"Something this annoying and costume-y and British had to be a book first," Jacob argued, gulping down tea now. "You just don't know about it."

"They're not British!" I argued back, laughing now. "It's the Caribbean, Jacob!"

"Uh-uh, 'ook!" He shouted, waving his fork at the screen with his mouth full again. "On da crossin' frum England!"

I mentally cursed. I'd forgotten about that.

"Whatever, Jacob," I said, dodging since he was right. He smirked at me once he swallowed. "Just concentrate on eating your food before you choke."

He did then, and we watched in silence until Elizabeth fainted and fell into the sea.

"You're lucky we weren't alive two hundred years ago or Alice'd have you dressed in that shit," Jacob said, gesturing to the screen with his fork. "And that'd be you right there."

"Would you jump in to save me?"

"Hell yeah," Jacob returned immediately, pushing the now-empty plate back on the table and collapsing against the back of the couch, pulling me with him "Does that mean I'm the pirate?"

The sudden picture of Jacob dressed as Jack Sparrow – with all his teeth and minus the tattoos, of course – burst into my mind and I couldn't say I didn't like it. If it were a couple hundred years ago, Jacob could've been a pirate. Forget Will Turner – Elizabeth wouldn't have been able to say no to that kind of game.

"I guess," I said, my cheek brushing Jacob's chest as I looked up at him. He had tomato sauce on the corner of his mouth. "You'd make a pretty awesome pirate."

"I would, wouldn't I?" Jacob said cockily, before he gestured to the screen again. "I would have fun doing that after I pulled you out."

I tore my eyes away from Jacob's mouth to see Jack Sparrow pulling Elizabeth's dress open and slicing off her corset. I felt myself flush with heat. That didn't sound like such a bad scenario at all.

"Of course, I would be smart enough to swim you over to some deserted beach and not a dock full of people."

I suddenly couldn't care less about the movie anymore.

"What would you do once we got there?" I asked, finally giving into temptation and swiping the sauce away from Jacob's lips with my finger. Jacob's eyes darkened as I licked the sauce from my thumb.

"After I finished undressing you, you mean?"

I nodded. Oh, yes.

Jacob's hand came down to massage my waist gently and his head fell forward to press a hot kiss to my neck. I bit back a whine of frustration.

"Nessie?"

"Yes, Jacob?"

"Do you still want to watch the movie?"

I think I like the alternate ending we were setting up right here a lot better.

"No."

Jacob's head came up to kiss me gently, but I could feel the passion building, the pent-up frustration of being apart for the entire day. Jacob's hands came down on my waist and he scooted me back and then laid me down, lying over me without disconnecting our lips once.

I made a contented sound into Jacob's mouth and deepened the kiss as his weight settled down over me. I rested my legs over the back of Jacob's and arched my back into his hands. I was so glad this was happening – I'd missed my Jacob, and I was tired of waiting.

Jacob's lips broke away from mine to kiss down my neck, his tongue sneaking out to touch my skin in surprising places. I remembered our conversation this morning.

"Wait, Jacob," I gasped as I felt his lips part to kiss again. If I wanted to do this, I needed to do it now before Jacob kept this up and I lost the will. "Get up really fast."

Jacob obeyed me, his eyes dark and lustful and my body cried out in dissatisfaction as I slid out from under him.

"Turn over," I told him, my legs actually shaking with desire.

Jacob obeyed me, still looking confused as he turned over onto his back. I wasted no time crawling back over him and if Jacob didn't get it then, he decided he didn't care because he just slid one of his hands up into my hair and pulled me down to his lips.

After a few seconds, Jacob's hands went back down to my hips and found their way under the edges of my tanktop. I pulled away from Jacob's lips and sat up, my full weight settling across where Jacob was just starting to become hard against me and we both hissed.

I pulled my shirt halfway up my stomach slowly, enjoying the way Jacob's eyes took in each new inch of bare skin hungrily. I don't think how much Jacob wanted me would ever stop affecting me.

"Is this what you want?" I teased, lifting my shirt up a little more as Jacob's hands tried to urge me back down over him.

Jacob growled and gripped my hips hard, pulling our pelvises together roughly so I could feel every inch of him. I bit back a moan.

"What do you think?"

"I think it is," I said, still trying to sound composed. I pulled the shirt up another few inches so Jacob would be able to see the blue of the bra that he'd shown an interest in this morning. "Do you want to help with the rest?"

Jacob's torso shot up until he was level with me and he snatched the shirt the rest of the way over my head and threw it to the floor. His lips were attacking mine and instant later and I was so shocked and . . . aroused by his burst of roughness to do anything but submit for a few seconds.

I finally managed to get control of myself enough to press a hand to Jacob's chest and push him gently away.

"Lay back."

I was surprised when he obeyed me, lying immediately back until his head rested on the arm of the couch. His hips arched up into mine and I gave in and rubbed myself against him for a few seconds.

"See, Jacob," I said, leaning forward and placing an open-mouthed kiss to the base of Jacob's throat. "I had this pretty interesting dream last night, and I was wondering if you might be interested in trying it out with me?"

Jacob said something that sounded vaguely like "ungh", which I took to mean yes and kept kissing along his neck. This was going to be so good. I could already tell.

Jacob's long arms reached all along my body as I kissed his neck, massaging my breasts and sliding down my back to grip my backside. I found myself wishing, with a little embarrassment, that Jacob would smack me again. Which made no sense, but didn't change how I felt about it.

I finally got to Jacob's chest. I don't know how he did this with me all the time – took his time, kissed every inch of skin. I wanted to get to where I was going _now_.

Jacob growled again when my tongue flicked across his nipple. His hands gripped me harder, so hard it should have hurt but it didn't. I circled my tongue around him once and then blew, and Jacob shivered under me.

"Now you know how it feels," I said, my eyes traveling up to meet Jacob's. I was shocked when they did. I was always shocked at the love and lust in his eyes.

I took my time with his other pectoral too, kissing all around it and giving it the same treatment as the last while Jacob's breathing steadily got harder. My panties were steadily getting wetter. If kissing me like this did for Jacob what it was doing for me now, I know why he spent so much time doing it.

And then, finally, I got to Jacob's stomach.

I was surprised to know what I was doing, but I guess since I'd been imagining it every night in my dreams for months, I was pretty well practiced.

I had to slide down his legs, away from the hardness that felt so right between my legs, but I comforted myself with the thought that I would be back. I kissed each muscle, ran my tongue into the dips in between.

I don't know what it was about Jacob's stomach that I liked so much, but I couldn't ignore that I did. The muscles tensed under my tongue and Jacob's hands came up to run through my hair and over my shoulders since they were the only places he could reach now.

I swirled my tongue around Jacob's naval when I reached it, his hips bucking up against me. Jacob's hardness brushed the tops of my breasts when he did and we both groaned. I would have crawled right back up him and rolled him back on top of me then except for the fact that I was so close to my goal and wasn't about to give it up now.

I flashed my eyes up to Jacob's to find them watching me before I sidled down the final few inches. Jacob let out a hard breath when I slid the front of his shorts down a little. I was going to do this right. For me as much as for Jacob.

I pressed my lips to the very top of that line, kissing softly and Jacob's hips shifted under me as he let out a frustrated breath. Then I parted them, letting my tongue dart out to taste the skin there. Amazing.

Then I dipped my head down, letting my tongue follow that line all the way down.

Jacob's fingers tightened in my hair and his hips bucked up against me as he cursed, "Fuck – Nessie – "

I wasn't sure what I was doing when I dropped my head down another few inches and let my nose brush against the bulge in Jacob's shorts. But then Jacob's hands pulled me with surprising strength back up his body.

"No, Ness," Jacob panted against my lips, even as his hips pressed up between my legs again.

"No what?"

"Just – just no," Jacob said helpfully, kissing me again. Then his hand slid down to grip my backside and I forgot about it.

Jacob kissed me hard, somehow managing to take control even when I was on top of him. His ran his hands over my body in ways that literally made me sag against him. I don't know how he held himself up above me all the time.

Then Jacob's hand slid down the back of my shorts, cupping my backside in his huge hand. His skin was so hot, with only my panties separating us. I remembered how his hand had felt against me this morning and I shivered. What would it feel like now?

My mouth surprised the hell out of me when it pulled away from the amazing lips it was kissing to say, "Jacob?"

"Yeah, baby?"

I shivered again. Two words shouldn't be able to do that.

"Do you want me to take my shorts off?"

Jacob groaned against my mouth, but I honestly wasn't trying to tease him this time. I was just trying to work up to what I really wanted. "If you want to."

It felt like heresy to slide off of Jacob's body then to sidle my shorts down my legs. Jacob took the scene in like a drowning man would water and his arm reached out to pull me back on top of him. His hands immediately slid to the newly revealed skin as he reconnected our lips.

I threw myself into kissing Jacob for a few minutes, but my curiosity and anticipation only built. So once again I heard my mouth ask, "Jacob?"

"Mm?"

"If – if I asked you to do something," I started, pausing here to kiss him again. Jacob's dark eyes watched me intently. "Would you do it?"

"Of course, Nessie," Jacob replied, kissing me hard as though to help him prove his point. "I'd do anything for you, honey, you know that."

"Even . . . if it was weird?"

"Just tell me," Jacob urged, his lips searching upwards for my jaw so I leaned in so he could reach. "I'm good with weird."

"Can you – " I shut my eyes for a second to gather my nerves. "You know, this morning . . . what you did?"

Jacob seemed to think for a second before he said, "Yeah."

"Can you do that again?" Jacob's eyebrows stitched together in confusion so I rushed on. "I mean, I know it's – weird. I just . . . when you – "

"You mean," Jacob interrupted, his hand sliding across my backside in a way that told me he got it. "Smack you?"

I nodded, feeling my face flush red.

"I just, I thought I . . . liked it, but I wasn't – "

Jacob nodded, cutting me off and then his lips reached up and took mine. Jacob kissed me softer than I expected him to and his hand slid over me more gently than I was used to.

Then Jacob's hand lifted off my skin for the briefest second and popped me lightly.

It was soft and didn't sting at all, more gentle even than this morning in the kitchen but it sent a jolt of lust through me so strong that I moaned into Jacob's mouth.

"Like that?"

"Harder," I whispered back, hardly believing myself.

I went back to kissing Jacob and a second later felt him lift his hand again and bring it back down. It was harder than before but still gentle, about like this morning but against my bare skin it made a sound that made both of us groan.

My body rushed.

Jacob's hand rubbed across the place he hit like he was trying to soothe the nonexistent hurt. His lips pulled away from mine.

"Do you . . . like that?"

I nodded again. It was weird, but that's what it was. "Is that okay?"

The tips of Jacob's fingers slid under the edge of my panties and I rubbed myself hard against him, trying to relieve some of the tension that he had just so helpfully built up even worse than before.

"Whatever you want is okay with me," Jacob said, and I was so relieved I kissed him. "Don't be shy to ever ask me for anything, Ness."

Something occurred to me. I was finding out that I had things I liked and I hardly knew anything, but Jacob knew much more than me.

"And you too, Jake," I said against his mouth, letting my fingers brush back the hair at the crown of his head. "If you ever want . . . anything, you can ask me. I swear I won't mind."

Jacob's smiled, just a little. "Anything?"

My heart sped up. I nodded.

"Do you want to go to the bedroom, Nessie?"

It wasn't the kind of question I was expecting, but it was definitely one I couldn't say no to. Was there anyone who could?

"Yes, Jacob."

* * *

**Coming up:**

When I finally came to, Jacob's lips pulled away from my ear and his fingers slid from inside me. I felt myself trying to pull Jacob's body on top of me – I was ready for him now. Even he couldn't doubt it.

"Now, Jacob," I pleaded.

"Would you . . ." Jacob's eyes turned kind of shy for a second. "Do you want to try something new?"

I would like to say a thousand ideas burst into my mind of what Jacob might want, but they didn't. I didn't even know what I liked until it happened. Nothing but curiosity burned inside me, almost as hot as the desire now. What did Jacob want? Even without knowing what it was, I couldn't wait to give it to him.

I nodded. Jacob leaned down and, surprisingly, kissed my cheek.


	53. In Which They Try Something New

**_A/N:_** All right, girls (and boys), I'm back as promised. I need to thank you all so, so much for all your wonderful, lovely comments and birthday wishes. You really are the best - I don't deserve you.

I'm sure this is something you've been waiting on, another Jake/Nessie . . . moment. And since my chapters are full of J/N moments, I'm sure you know what in particular I mean. I think a few people were expecting something crazy but you have to remember how conservative Jake is with Nessie - they're taking it slow. The next chapter is time-spacing, I'm going to warn you, so don't expect several chapters detailing each day. The days are flying past for Nessie and I want the readers to feel that too.

Make sure you let me know how I did. Again. :)

Oh, and because I've decided I like giving stuff away, **reviewers** can ask for a chapter title from the next chapter to chapter 60, and I'll add it into your reply. Just 'cause I love y'all. :D

**_Disclaimer:_** I don't own anything, most especially not the amazing quote below by Warsan Shire. I can't sing her praises enough and recently, to my complete astonishment, she has begun to read Undeniable. She's a busy girl, so I don't know how long it'll take her to get this far, but I'm just honored she checked it out at all. Who knew she was Jacob fan? Anyway, her poetry is amazing, as you can see.

**

* * *

**

In Which They Try Something New

**

* * *

  
**

_what will be of poetry  
if now,  
watching you sleep  
is the closest i  
ever come  
to dying._

_- warsan shire, day twenty-two._

-

I woke up the next morning, naked and in bed with my husband. After the most amazing night. But eleven, eleven, eleven was pounding in my head. Another day gone. Another one of my Jacob-days.

But on the up side - I shifted my legs, tensed my inner muscles and arched my back. No soreness. Some tenderness, definitely, but no pain at all. Guess the second time's the charm.

I rolled over and pressed my lips to Jacob's shoulder, letting my hand trail down to trace patterns along the small of his back. He groaned and shifted his weight.

It was still early, and I hate to say it, but Jacob wasn't waking up to breakfast today. I had other plans for him.

I ran my fingertips lightly up his side, knowing it would tickle him. I sidled up a little and pressed a gentle kiss to Jacob's relaxed mouth.

"Mmm."

So, it's alive. I giggled a little to myself and kissed him again, reaching my palm up to touch Jacob's cheek. I flashed him a picture of last night. He groaned, a very different groan this time, and shifted again.

"Wake up, my Jacob," I urged, pressing my face into his warm neck and breathing in deep. He felt like home. "It's morning – it's time to wake up, come on."

His beautiful dark eyes opened slowly and he gave me a sleepy smile.

"There's a naked Nessie in my bed in my dreams _and_ in real life."

"Good morning to you too," I said back, trying to hold back my grin as Jacob's lips came down to kiss me gently. "I feel really good this morning."

Jacob's eyes immediately lit with recognition. One of his arms threaded around my waist and pulled me flush up against him, making desire rise up in me. "Do you?"

"Really good," I assured him, running the side of my foot up Jacob's leg and back down again. "So, I was thinking . . . if your hungry-werewolf-self can tolerate some cereal for breakfast . . ."

"I was actually thinking about some Nessie for breakfast," Jacob said, which was corny but still ridiculously cute and sexy at the same time. I reached up to kiss him and he was already shifting his weight until he was more on top of me than before. "If you've got some to spare."

"Always, Jake," I told him, grinning into the kiss. Jacob's hand came up to run across my breast and trail down my side. "For you there's always more than enough."

"Good, 'cause I can eat a lot," he said as his tongue parted my lips and I shivered.

Yes, this was exactly the way to prepare myself for a day apart from Jacob.

Our kisses slowly gained momentum and Jacob's hand trailed down between my legs. My natural reaction was to clench my legs shut and hold him just where I wanted him, but I fought against instinct and let my legs fall open. When Jacob found me ready, he swiftly but softly slid a finger inside of me.

Jacob insisted on doing this, even last night. He didn't want to take any chances with me not being ready and ending up sore again. And I submitted because I didn't want to take that chance either, for Jacob's sake, and because well, it felt damn good.

I arched my back into Jacob's hand as his thumb immediately found my favorite place and moaned.

"Don't hold back, Ness," Jacob said as I bit my lip on another moan when he curled his finger over that magic spot. "I love to hear the noises you make."

That was all the permission I needed, so I released my lip and let out a loud moan as Jacob pressed back into me with two fingers.

"_Jac-ob._"

"You're so sexy like this," Jacob said into my ear as his fingers slowly pumped in and out of me. There was no discomfort at all now. Just pleasure. And Jacob's words were taking me higher. "Naked, in my bed, under me. Moaning."

Without even meaning to, I moaned again. Jacob added another finger.

"I've never wanted anything as much as I want you."

"Then take me, Jacob," I panted, even though I was teetering on the edge. I could wait. I wanted to be joined with Jacob now. "I want you too."

"And when you talk like that," he said roughly into my ear, Jacob's chest teasing my breasts as I arched my back against him. So I did it again. "Even before, you'd say shit like that and not even realize – you didn't mean anything – but it'd turn me on so much – "

Jacob's voice, all rough and strong and right up against me, pushed me over the edge I was dancing on. I clutched Jacob to me and gasped his name, bucking my hips against his hand as I rode it out. Jacob's words didn't let up the entire time either, urging me on, telling me how much he loved me. His voice made it last longer than it usually did.

When I finally came to, Jacob's lips pulled away from my ear and his fingers slid from inside me. I felt myself trying to pull Jacob's body on top of me – I was ready for him now. Even he couldn't doubt it.

"Now, Jacob," I pleaded.

"Would you . . ." Jacob's eyes turned kind of shy for a second. "Do you want to try something new?"

I would like to say a thousand ideas burst into my mind of what Jacob might want, but they didn't. I didn't even know what I liked until it happened. Nothing but curiosity burned inside me, almost as hot as the desire now. What did Jacob want? Even without knowing what it was, I couldn't wait to give it to him.

I nodded. Jacob leaned down and, surprisingly, kissed my cheek.

"Turn over," he whispered into my ear.

I felt Jacob lift his weight off of me so I could obey him, rolling over onto my stomach. I felt much more exposed like this, open. But it was my Jacob and I knew he would never truly expose me, so I wasn't nervous. Not in a bad way, at least.

Jacob's hand reached up and brushed my hair out of the way, sweeping it out onto the pillow in the opposite direction of my face. It bothered me that I couldn't see him, but only because he was so beautiful. I waited patiently as I felt Jacob's hand rest heavily on my shoulder and then slide slowly down.

He paused in the arch of my back and the rise of my hips, where my backside started.

"You're so beautiful, Nessie," Jacob said, and then his other hand came into my sight as he gripped my left hand. Then he leaned in and tenderly pressed his lips to my finger, just above my wedding band. "I love you so much."

"I love you so much too, Jacob," I said back, using our joined hands to bring his to my lips and kiss him in the exact same place.

I felt Jacob's lips on my shoulder then, kissing once softly. His hair tickled my back in the places it brushed. Then Jacob's hand slid out from under mine. I felt him move above me and saw his arm reach out and pull open the drawer of his nightstand, stick his hand inside and then draw back with something. I knew what it was without having to ask.

I heard a little shuffling and then felt Jacob's weight settle deliciously back over me again. He nudged my legs apart gently with his own and then I felt him against me. I shivered hard and pressed my hips back into him.

Could we do it like this?

I saw Jacob's arm as he braced it by my head, but his other staying resting against my hip.

"Is this okay, Nessie?" He asked me, pressing chaste kisses across my shoulder blades. "Are you okay like this?"

Apparently, we could.

"Yes, Jacob," I said, starting to breath hard again. From desire, anticipation, nerves, everything. "It's fine."

Then, for the third time in my life, I felt Jacob slowly guide himself into me. It was different from the times before it though. The angle for one thing – I couldn't say it was better or worse, just different. Equal amounts of amazing. Another was how Jacob felt against me. I couldn't see him, I could only feel him and there was something to be said for that even though it was kind of frustrating.

I couldn't kiss him or touch him either. I could only be kissed and touched.

Jacob, as always, gave me a moment to adjust once he was fully inside me, his breath coming out hard against my neck. He wasn't as deep as before, but it was still amazing, his hips resting against my backside. I spread my legs a little further and Jacob slid deeper.

"Fuck, Ness," Jacob cursed against my ear. "You feel so good."

I pressed my hips back against him, groaning when I gained another inch. "You feel so good too, Jacob."

I felt Jacob's lips press a hot kiss to my neck. "Are you ready, Ness?"

"Please," was all I could manage. I needed him to _move_.

Jacob's other hand ran up across my backside and up my back before I felt Jacob brace it on the other side of my head, shifting my hair out of the way first. I reached up and covered Jacob's forearms with mine as he slowly pulled out of me, trying to resist from sinking my fingernails into him when he slid back.

I don't know how long we stayed like this, Jacob sliding evenly in and out of me. Kissing my shoulders and neck, whispering in my ear how much he loved me. I started pushing my hips back into Jacob's thrusts, urging him to go faster and he complied.

I started climbing at an extremely slow pace. I wish I could have had Jacob's fingers on me, but I know that would probably be hard for him in this position.

"Harder, Jacob," I whispered, as his tongue traced along the shell of my ear, strands of his hair falling into my eyes.

Jacob obeyed me, speeding up his thrusts, sending me climbing faster. I moaned and Jacob sped up again without me having to ask. The sound of Jacob's breath aroused me even further, the almost-moaning sound he made with each thrust. That I could feel it against my neck didn't help.

I had nothing to see, look at or touch. I could only lie under Jake and wait for him to give me my pleasure. The idea of being under his control like this, of putting myself in his hands so completely, sent me to the edge.

Jacob gave a particularly hard thrust and it sent me over, my hips starting to work frantically now against Jacob, but my body was torn. I needed to thrust backward onto Jacob's hips but forward to get the friction I needed against the bed.

Jacob's thrusts immediately sped up and I realized I had pushed Jacob over too. He thrust into me harder than ever and I spread my legs even wider to help him.

"Nessie – Nessie – "

I felt Jacob pulse inside me, dragging out my own pleasure as he slammed into me one last time and froze. I felt more of his weight fall onto me, his mouth finding my neck and pressing an open-mouthed kiss there as both our bodies drained. Jacob softened inside of me and then I felt him slip out.

Jacob's weight lifted off of me for a split second and then I felt his hand under my stomach as he flipped me easily over. I didn't realize how much I'd missed Jacob's face until I saw it, how much I'd missed touching him until I wrapped my arms around his neck, how much I missed his mouth until it was kissing mine.

Jacob's tongue slipped gently past my lips and searched my mouth as he pressed our bodies together, our fronts. I missed the way my breasts felt against his chest.

Jacob pulled back and gave me the married person smile.

"You've got some pretty good ideas," I teased him, smiling back and reaching for his lips again.

"Yeah?" He asked into my mouth, unsure. I shivered in contented pleasure as Jacob's thumb traced around my nipple. "So it was . . . okay?"

"Mmm."

"I'm so glad . . . it was good for you." Jacob's eyes got sad for a second as he leaned down and kissed me. "We have to get up now."

I groaned. I'd been dreading it.

"How about you go shower while I fix breakfast," Jacob suggested, but the shower just didn't seem as appealing anymore without him. "It won't be as delicious as usual, but it'll hopefully keep us from starving."

I smiled a little to show Jacob I agreed and he rolled off me, throwing the covers off and standing up. I watched with childishly curious eyes as he walked naked to the dresser and picked up his shorts from the ground and slid them on. I loved how comfortable he was being naked in front of me.

He stopped to look at me when his shorts were halfway up his legs.

"Well, I was going to just cook naked," he joked. "But I heard that was unhealthy."

"I wouldn't mind," I told him, blushing a little.

Jacob made like he was going to drop his shorts. "Dare me?"

I laughed and sat up, pulling the sheet to cover my lower half. "Put your shorts on, Jacob."

He did, straightening up and walking over to me. He offered me a hand.

"Dare you to walk to the shower naked."

I couldn't turn down a dare. And, well, even if it wasn't – what was the big deal about it? To walk to the shower in your own house in front of your own husband without clothes? I would get over this.

I lifted the sheets off of me and stood up on my own, without Jacob's hand. I realized I was a little more tender than before between the legs but no pain at all. I wanted to hop for joy, but I didn't.

After Jacob's eyes had finished raking down my body, I started to walk towards the door, holding my hand out to touch Jacob's chest when he went to walk with me.

"Isn't the reason you dared me so you could watch me walk away?" I teased, running my fingernail lightly down his chest.

"You're good," Jacob conceded, like it was hard to figure out.

He stayed this time when I started to walk away and I forced myself to go slowly. I could feel his eyes on my back with every step I took but I didn't look back. I was filled with a strange sense of power that I could enrapture Jake like this.

I jumped a little in surprise when I felt Jacob's hand come down lightly on my backside. He skirted around me so he was standing in front of the hall to the bathroom and smirked at me. It was like with the hair; he was going to smirk at me every time he did that from now on.

"I want to get a good seat to watch you go down the hall," he explained to my raised eyebrow.

I rolled my eyes and forced myself to walk normally down the hall, leaning back out of the bathroom door to shoot one last grin.

"I'll expect my breakfast ready when I get out," I told him in a faux-stern voice.

He saluted me from the end of the short hall. "Yes, ma'am."

It was not going to be a good day away from him today.

I showered quickly, washing my hair and not letting the conditioner sit since I wanted to get back out with Jake. The bracelet on my wrist got slightly heavier as it got wet. I hope it wasn't bad for it to get wet like this. I didn't want to take it off, but I didn't want it to fall apart. I would have to ask Jake.

I wrapped myself in a towel and walked to our bedroom, passing Jake in the kitchen with a grin. I think I smelled cheese, but I wasn't sure.

I decided I would work Aunt Alice back into what had now become my regular clothes slowly. I chose a red bra set this time, the panties kind of like shorts but ridiculously small. I pulled on a black pair of some undoubtedly designer jeans that Alice had packed me to find they were surprisingly comfortable. Not as comfortable as mine, but doable. They looked almost the same as mine, but I'm sure Alice would be able to tell the difference.

I slid one of my own t-shirts, the Mickey Mouse one, and a pair of the high-end sneakers Alice had packed in my "shoe bag" on. They were black and red, which matched my shirt and – I blushed – my bra. It felt like a private joke that only Jake and me would get.

I toweled my hair, brushed it out, and was just finishing pulling it back into a neat ponytail when Jacob hollered out that the food was ready. I called back that I'd be there in a second and quickly stripped the bed, throwing the comforter in the corner. The sheets definitely needed to be washed.

Jacob was setting our plate on the table and the Pirates of the Caribbean music was still playing annoyingly in the background as I walked past with the sheets. I set them to wash, since I knew how to do that now, and hoped we'd be home in time for me set them to dry.

Jacob made a huge stack of grilled cheese sandwiches that I had one and a half of. The tea had soured from being out all night, which disappointed Jacob, since he had serious views on wasting food, so we finished off the gallon of milk instead.

Jacob showered and dressed quickly while I washed the dishes and then it was time to go. Jacob promised we wouldn't be separated for as long today since the wolves would be coming to the big house to strategize with us.

It comforted me to know that we would be in the same house for most of the day, but my stomach still hurt when I remembered that by the time we'd be back here tonight almost another whole day would be gone. Another one of my days.

I only had eleven left. Two hundred sixty-four hours. Fifteen thousand, eight hundred forty minutes. Nine hundred fifty thousand, four hundred seconds.

And each moment was ticking that number lower. What was I going to do?

* * *

**Coming up:**

"You trying to tease me, Nessie?" He asked against my lips in his Alpha voice that made me shiver. I just nodded against his mouth and then gasped out loud when his hand came down on my backside. It only stung a little, but it made that noise I think we both liked and I whined. "That's not very nice of you."

The hand that had just smacked me massaged my backside like he was trying to take the sting out, but all I could think of was how I wished he'd do it again.

"You wouldn't like it very much if I teased you."

Oh, I beg to differ. I think I would like it very, very much.

"Really?" Jacob said, and it took a second for me to get that I'd accidentally showed him my thoughts. "We'll see about that."


	54. In Which Nessie is a Bad Girl

**_A/N:_** Okay, y'all, things are speeding up - a lot of time passes in this chapter, but I think you get all the information you need. The next chapter is very different from this one, as you can tell from the coming up - but on the upside, you can see Nessie and Jake's confidence with each other growing. That's always fun. We get some naughty Ness and Alpha Jake in the same chapter! :) It's just a little fluff, I guess, to prepare for what's coming. Balance, right?

*sigh* Make sure you let me know what you think.

Oh, oh! I completely almost forgot! By the time this is posted, it will officially be October 1st and the starting date for voting on the **Sort of Beautiful Challenge**! The poll isn't up right now, but it should be sometimes tomorrow/today - just please, please stop by and vote for _The Sweetest Girl_ if you think it's deserving. It would mean the world to me. We gotta keep the J/N love alive - you know, out of almost thirty submissions, there's only one other J/N besides mine? That's crazy!

So, yeah - **please go vote**. Here's the link:

**_fanfiction(dot)net/~sortofbeautifulchallenge_**

Thank you so much, all of you. You support me past what I ever imagined.

**_Disclaimer:_** I own nothing, and I'm completely humble about that fact. In fact, I'm the most humble - the queen of humble! The supreme ruler of humbleness! Mwahaha! :D

* * *

In Which Nessie is a Bad Girl

* * *

_you make me wanna  
you make me wanna  
scream_

_- ashlee simpson, lala_

-

And so time past. Quickly. It flew, really.

People started coming. The Denali coven was first, since they were closest. They visited us yearly so I knew them relatively well. Carmen grabbed me into a tight embrace when she pulled up and whispered 'mi amore' into my ear. Garrett immediately threw himself into the middle of everything, attaching himself to Uncle Jasper like always. They were surprised to learn of my and Jacob's marriage, but they accepted it more easily than I expected them to.

An Egyptian vampire named Benjamin came next, that night. Jacob said he came the first time and he, of course, remembered me but I didn't him. He seemed nice, about my age (physically, at least), but Jacob didn't seem to like him. He made it stop raining once though, after Seth (the only one besides Jake willing to venture into the house now) complained about having to patrol in the rain so I thought he was pretty awesome.

Zafrina and Kachiri showed up the next morning, who I'd only met once that I could remember and once that I couldn't, and Huilen that night, alone. I hugged her to me and burst into tears against her stone chest. It was hard not to feel like everything with Nahuel was my fault. The Volturi had no idea about us before me, and now they had Nahuel and whatever they were doing to him . . . I couldn't think about it.

I hoped – hoped against hope – that for whatever reason they were waiting until they got me to go ahead with anything, but I knew that wasn't likely. They were fascinated on how half-breeds were compatible with other species too.

Then came the Irish coven and the Romanians who Momma was surprised I didn't remember. They were strange, but seemed to be raring for a fight, which was what we wanted, right?

Right?

The werewolves were kind of split down the middle. The non-imprint guys seemed to share the attitude of the Romanians – they said they hadn't got a good fight in awhile, but the others, like Sam and Quil and Seth weren't so sure.

Of course, they would go. Their loyalty to the pack and Jacob was as strong as ever, but they had so much more to lose than everyone else. This only made me feel worse. I was killing myself over Jacob, but there were five other girls who would feel exactly the same if their wolves never came back.

And it was wrong that I just couldn't bring myself to care as much about them.

My days were spent with whoever of my family was free. Jacob's days were spent with the wolves and my family and the other vampires, strategizing and training. Alice's days were spent in a corner, trying to see through all the wolves and the half-breeds to find out what was going to happen to us.

Our nights were spent together. Jacob, so sweetly, presented me with a silver chain to keep his ring around when he couldn't wear it so I didn't have to hold it all the time since I hated to put it down. As soon as we got into the car, I would slide it back onto his finger and we'd race home.

We were usually on each other from the second we got into the house. Sometimes we didn't even eat until round one was out of the way. My appetite for Jacob had become insatiable. Every time he touched me, every kiss, all I could think of was what if it was the last one. What if it was the last time I could have him like this?

I could tell Jacob was thinking it too, but neither of us ever said it. I wanted to beg him to change his mind and stay every morning when I woke up and another day was gone, but I never did. I couldn't bear to make him angry with me or hurt him again.

I could tell Jacob had a little of that desperation inside him too, in the way he kissed me and pulled me to him, but he was always so gentle with me when were . . . together. And it was amazing, but sometimes I didn't want him to be.

He always whispered in my ear how much he loved me and wanted me and needed me, but I wanted him to show me. I wanted him to love me hard. I wanted him to leave me with marks that would last until he came back to me and I could have him in my arms again. If he came back to me.

But I didn't think about that.

Jacob took me two, sometimes three times a night and once even four. I always made sure we were together in the mornings before we left for the big house – it was the strongest tie of him that I had to keep with me during the day.

I tried to make sure we were together in all the places Jacob mentioned to me that day in the car before we came home and some places he didn't. The shower, the kitchen, and of course the bed. The living room floor, the shed where he used to always work on the Rabbit, and on top of the washer. The forest floor once too, right by this meadow where we used to go wrestle, which was scary and exciting in equal parts.

No matter where we were, Jacob was still sweet and perfect and attentive as ever. He always, always prepared me with his fingers first, no matter how much I protested that I didn't need them now and he always used a condom even though I complained about that sometimes too. He was never rough.

I always wanted to cry when we were finished. Sometimes it looked like Jacob did too.

Now I had five days left. Barely more than a hundred hours, and our days at the big house were getting longer and longer as everything started becoming more crucial. No one told me anything about their plans and I didn't ask – I didn't want or need to know. They had made it clear that neither my opinions nor my decisions mattered.

Now I had five days left and there was still one thing left that I wanted to do for Jacob and hadn't. I had become much more comfortable with Jacob this past week, but things were still shy and awkward sometimes. It was a special kind of shy, though, a reverent one that I didn't mind and we always worked through.

I wanted to dance for Jacob tonight. But I was scared out of my mind.

I forced myself to push Jacob gently away when he tried to immediately pull me to him when the door clicked shut behind us. I needed to do this before I lost my nerve. At least we got home a little early today – it was barely dark.

"Let me change really fast," I told him, which was a kind of stupid excuse since the direction he was trying to guide me in would end with all my clothes on the floor. I pushed on his chest gently. "Go sit down and I'll be there in a minute."

Jacob's eyes were dark and a little worried, but he nodded and went in the direction I sent him. Nerves twisted in my stomach as I went into our room to change. It was stupid, because it was Jacob and I knew he would like whatever I did but it didn't stop the insecurity nagging in the back of my head that I was about to go out there and make a fool of myself.

I had to spend about an hour digging on the internet for the song that was playing in the hotel that day and finally found it to download it onto my mp3 player. Momma stared at me a little strangely, probably wondering why I was downloading rap music, but she didn't say anything.

I'd been agonizing over this all day, half excited and giddy and half nervous and terrified. What to wear, how to stand, what to do, and I'd come to a sort-of decision. I'd worn the red bra and panties today for this occasion, since Jake had shown appreciation for them before and slid on my Mickey Mouse t-shirt and Jacob's huge dress shirt over it.

I wasn't pretending to know what I was doing, so I ditched the idea of heels quickly. I didn't want to break something – even as a half-vampire, I wouldn't put it past myself.

I let my hair down and put on some of the pomegranate lip balm Jake liked, then clutched my mp3 tight in my hand. I stacked my clothes on top of my bags that I had never gotten around to unpacking to eat some time. I'd already set the speakers that would play the music out loud on the coffee table this morning, blushing furiously. It felt like premeditation for some extremely embarrassing crime.

I went slowly into the living room, even though I wanted to power walk. I didn't want to freak Jacob out. He was laying back on the sofa looking a little impatient and kind of worried. He had gotten rid of his shirt and his shoes. It was always the first thing he did when he walked in the door if I didn't get to them first.

Jacob sat up when I came in, his eyes raking over me. I was glad I had set the song up already because I definitely wouldn't be able to operate my ipod now with his eyes on me like this.

"If you laugh at me, I'm going to kill you," I warned him, smiling nervously to show him I was kidding – sort of – as I pressed play and set my ipod onto the speakers.

The pounding beat filled the room and Jacob's eyes widened. He took in my appearance again and realization seemed to dawn on him.

I forced down my embarrassment and tried to let myself go with the music, immediately forgetting all the moves I'd practiced today in the bathroom with my ipod on low in my ears. I rolled my hips a little and tilted my head forward so my hair was covering my face to save me some measure of humiliation.

I turned my back to Jacob and slid his shirt from my shoulders, letting it fall to the floor. It didn't go smoothly like it did in my imagination, but it got off and for that I was grateful. Jacob growled out loud as more as my skin was revealed. He wasn't lying when he said he liked the red panties.

It gave me confidence. A little, at least.

I swung my hips backwards in his direction before I turned back around. I waited for the perfect point in the beat before I rolled my hips again and reached down to slowly pull the hem of my shirt up. It was tight enough that it stayed where I left it, so when it reached the underwire of my bra I let go to hold my hands up by my neck.

I started steeling myself when I heard the music getting to the point I'd planned this for, turning around so my back as facing Jacob again. When the beat pounded just right, I dropped down and then slowly brought my hips back up, keeping my head down low.

I felt the air change, and then I felt Jacob's hot body press itself hard against me. His hand shot out to wrap around my hips to steady me so I didn't fall as I finished arching myself the rest of the way up. I was so short compared with him that my bottom was pressed back against his legs.

"Are you trying to kill me, Nessie?" Jacob said, his hips starting to move against me. It took my lust-raddled brain a second to realize he was dancing with me. This last week had put my mind in the gutter. "You expect me to just sit there and watch that like a good boy, huh?"

He swayed us in time with the music and I felt his hardness pressing into my back. I shivered and didn't answer. I didn't trust my voice.

"I can't watch you like that and not touch you," he said roughly as I rested my head back onto his chest for the briefest of seconds. "Not feel you."

I decided to be evil in the hopes it would shake the Alpha side of Jake up that I sometimes caught glimpses of and made me shiver.

"How about you feel this?" I whispered before I dipped down again, out of his arms, just like before.

Except this time, when I straightened up, my backside dragged against Jacob's legs. He growled and pulled me up the rest of the way up, dancing against me harder than before even though the music didn't change. I turned in his arms and dipped again, keeping his amazing dark eyes locked on mine the entire time.

I brought myself up slowly, making sure my nose brushed the bulge in his shorts. Jacob growled again and I was about to push my luck and brush him with my lips, even though he'd told me before not to, when he snatched me up his body.

I immediately threw my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist to steady myself and his hands gripped my backside hard. He connected our lips passionately, kissing me hard for a few steamy seconds as I ground myself up against him.

"You trying to tease me, Nessie?" He asked against my lips in his Alpha voice that made me shiver. I just nodded against his mouth and then gasped out loud when his hand came down on my backside. It only stung a little, but it made that noise I think we both liked and I whined. "That's not very nice of you."

The hand that had just smacked me massaged my backside like he was trying to take the sting out, but all I could think of was how I wished he'd do it again.

"You wouldn't like it very much if I teased you."

Oh, I beg to differ. I think I would like it very, very much.

"Really?" Jacob said, and it took a second for me to get that I'd accidentally showed him my thoughts. "We'll see about that."

I shuddered with anticipation and a little fear as Jacob walked me us over to the couch and sat me down. He kneeled between my knees like he had on our wedding night and kissed me. The way he kissed me was strange though, deepening and lightening the kiss at strange, unpredictable times.

Jacob's hands came to my shirt and tugged it up over my breasts, pulling away from my lips. I lifted my arms to help him. He took my shirt off the same way he kissed me though, in a pattern I couldn't understand. He dropped my shirt to the ground and pushed me back onto the couch, grabbing my thigh and setting it over his hip, rocking them into me like he had done when we were dancing and that's when I realized.

Jacob was touching me in time with the music.

It was easier to enjoy now that I knew what was going on, but I could already see how this would become problematic if Jacob kept this up. If he followed the rhythm of the music and not the one my body set up, I would have to chase my pleasure and not have it brought to me.

I couldn't wait.

Jacob continued to kiss me and touch me with the rhythm of the music, finally sliding the straps of my bra down my arms. His fingers slipped under the clasp and just when I thought he was about to unhook it, the beat jumped, and Jacob's hand did too, sliding back down my back.

I made the whining-noise and writhed against Jacob but he was relentless. He just chuckled against my lips and let his hand slowly start making its way back up again.

Finally, he unsnapped my bra, pulling it off in one swift movement since the music sped up and I gasped as Jacob pushed me flat back against the couch and arranged himself between my legs.

He started kissing down my neck and I decided that maybe if I was good and cooperated, Jacob would take mercy on me so I started arching my back against him in time with the music.

I was wishing now I hadn't put that damn song on repeat. I was wishing now that I hadn't chosen a song with a beat so erratic. I was wishing now that I hadn't teased my Jacob. At least not as far as I had.

"Jacob – " My voice said weakly, at least five repeats of that damn song later, as he slid my panties down my legs.

Jacob didn't reply, just slid back up me and slid one finger inside of me. I almost cried, but not with relief, when he started sliding in and out of me in time with that damn beat that I was sure I knew now better than anything else. He added a second finger and then a third quickly, and just when the music reached the place where I'd dipped down in front of him, he pressed his thumb hard against my favorite place.

"Jacob – please – " I felt a flicker of hope as Jacob kept his thumb against me. Even if he was moving it to that damn music, if he kept it there, I would get release before too long. "I – won't tease you anymore, I'm – sorry – "

"You're not," Jacob said finally against my lips, kissing me quickly. "And I'm not either. Why don't you say what you really mean?"

Was that what this was? This whole, long, torturous process, all just to make me ask? I'd ask in a heartbeat. Beg if he wanted.

"Please give me – please let me – "

"Let you what, Nessie?" Jacob said roughly against my mouth. He wasn't letting me off easily. "Ask me for what you need from me."

"Please let me – finish, Jake – please – "

Jacob's lips leaned down to kiss me and I almost cried, with relief this time, when his fingers broke the rhythm. I wanted to say thank you, but I wasn't sure my mouth could form words anymore so I just wrapped my arms around Jacob's neck and pulled him down on me hard.

His free hand came to my breast to massage me there and I was falling over in seconds, gasping Jacob's name and clinging to him for dear life. He finally pulled his hand away when I started to whimper and broke away from my lips to look at me.

"Th-thank you, Jacob," I said quietly, reaching up brush our noses together. "I'm sorry."

"Nessie," Jacob said, his voice a little incredulous. "You don't honestly think I'm . . . _mad_ at you, do you?"

I didn't say anything, since I didn't know what to say.

"I – I was just getting you back, like – like we always do," he said, kissing me softly. "Playing. If – if you wanted or needed me to stop, you could have just asked."

I couldn't do anything but give him a tired smile, relieved that he wasn't upset with me and embarrassed that I had assumed he was. As I smiled and Jacob smiled back, our lips brushing as they spread, I realized I was very much naked and Jacob very much wasn't.

I needed to do something about that.

Jacob's hand stopped me when mine came down to stroke him through his shorts.

"Let's eat first, baby."

I wasn't really hungry but I knew Jacob probably was so I nodded my assent. Jacob eased himself off of me, his eyes raking over my body as he sat up. I stood on shaky legs and started to search for my panties until I saw Jacob holding them in his hands.

"Step in, Ness," he said as he held them low.

I obeyed him, my stomach already trembling again. I know Jacob ate fast, but I hope he ate particularly fast tonight. I found my t-shirt and pulled it on, not bothering with the bra even though the shirt was white. It wasn't like it mattered now anyway, and I would be lying if I said I didn't like the way Jacob looked at me when I was dressed like this.

Jacob pulled my hair gently from the back of my shirt and then smacked my behind again, but it was in a playful way. I think. He was smirking, anyway, when I looked up at him.

I made stir-fry and chocolate chip cookies today, which wasn't a very well-matched meal, but an appealing one. I almost didn't believe Jacob when he told me how good it was because of how slow he was eating. I didn't think he was still teasing me, but there really wasn't any other reason. He was almost eating like a regular person.

Finally, after what felt like ages, Jacob finished the last of his food. I asked him if he was still hungry and he shook his head. I asked him if he didn't like the food.

"No, Nessie, it was great – it always is."

I wasn't sure I believed him, but I hadn't seen anything wrong with it so I tried to brush it off. We needed to get to the bedroom. Well, not necessarily the bedroom; right here or any relatively soft place in between would do but I think the sentiment is the same. I grabbed both our plates and took them to the sink, not even bothering to wash them like I usually did. I hoped Jacob would take the hint.

When I offered him a cookie, he only took one. Something was wrong.

He swallowed the last of his tea and stood up, lifting out his arm so I could lean against his side.

"You about ready for bed, Ness?"

I nodded, since I was ready to get to the bedroom. Maybe I could figure out what was wrong with Jacob there. Jacob shut the door behind us like always, but when I reached down to pull my shirt back up over my head, Jacob's hand stopped me.

He sat down on the bed with his back against the headboard and pulled me with him, curling me into his lap. I burrowed my head in his shoulder as one hand wrapped around my waist and the other trailed down to trace shapes on the back of my hip.

"Nessie," Jacob said after what felt like years. "I have to tell you something."

* * *

**Coming up:**

I think we reached that point together, because I arched my back hard against him and not even meaning to, dragged my fingernails down Jacob's back. Jacob's head fell down until our cheeks were almost brushing and literally _roared_ in my ear.

It was a loud, angry, desperate, broken sound and it broke my heart all over again.

Two more thrusts and Jacob collapsed on top of me, barely holding his weight off with his arms and I reached up and pulled him down the rest of the way. I wanted him on me, suffocating me, his presence against me so strong that I still felt it when he was gone.


	55. In Which it Really is This Time

**_A/N:_** Okay, y'all, lots of stuff to say this go around! The first is that _Hands on Me_ was nominated at **The Sparkle Awards** again! For The Paris Award, Best Jacob/Anyone Tale! Yay! So, yeah . . . I'll let you know when voting starts! Also, please drop by and vote for _The Sweetest Girl_, if you already haven't!

Here's the link:** _fanfiction(dot)net/sortofbeautifulchallenge_**

Now, about the chapter - it's a pretty big one. Kinda intense. There isn't much to say about it besides that - I really hope you like it. It was very emotional to write Jacob like this - poor baby. He really gets it in this chapter. I'm really proud of the phase at the end so I hope you all like it - I'd love feedback from you lovely people, as always.

**_Disclaimer:_** I don't own anything, especially not the mind-blowing lyrics by Warsan Shire. They're all hers.

* * *

_what is to be said  
of people who only come alive  
when touched by another,  
surely it is a serious matter  
if i am dead whenever we come apart._

_- warsan shire, day twenty-nine_

-

My heart thudded. I knew it. I knew something was wrong, and here it was. But what was it? What could it be? I tried to swallow the lump in my throat as I nodded into Jacob's, urging him to go on.

"Alice . . . we've decided . . ." Jacob swallowed hard and squeezed me a little tighter, holding me tight against him. "We want to ambush them. Alice thinks we'll have a better chance that way."

I don't know why Jacob was telling me this now, but I nodded again, reaching my arm up to wrap around his neck. Jacob's lips fell down to press against my hair.

"Nessie," Jacob said evenly, in a tone I'd only heard one time before. And I hadn't liked the words that came after it. "We're leaving in two days."

I froze in Jacob's arms. Froze, completely. Every single muscle in my body seized up.

"Two days as in?"

How was my voice steady? How was my voice operative?

"As in the day after tomorrow."

I was falling. This couldn't be happening. This wasn't happening. I had five days left. Five, not two.

"You lied to me."

I don't remember making the decision to say those words, but I heard my voice say them. Jacob held me tighter like he could squeeze the words out.

"No, Nessie, no," Jacob said hurriedly, his hand reaching up to pull my face to meet his. He stared me straight in the eyes. "I would never lie to you, Nessie. When I told you two weeks, I was telling the truth, but things change."

The tears came up then, hot and fast.

Jacob was leaving. Leaving. In two days. He would be leaving and might never come back. My hours had just got cut in half. Less than half.

I wanted to hit Jacob. To scream and hit and bite and kick and curse at him for even thinking about leaving me, but I lacked the will. Because I also wanted to cling to him, pull him down on me and kiss him and feel him inside me until the very last second before he had to go.

I wanted to go with him. I wanted him to stay. I didn't want this.

"Don't cry, Nessie," Jacob urged me, his fingers reaching up to brush at my eyes but I shook his hand away.

"I want to cry!" I exclaimed at him, feeling childish and not caring. "You're leaving me and you might not come back and I'm so – so scared and I – I w-want to _fucking_ cry!"

I burst into tears then against Jacob's chest and he gathered me more tightly in his arms. The sobs only got louder as he began to rock me.

My Jacob was taking care of me. My Jacob was rocking me and holding me and taking care of me but in a few hours he would be leaving and I would be alone. Maybe forever.

I cried harder.

"Shh, honey, shh," Jacob urged quietly, but I knew he wasn't telling me to stop. "I'm so sorry it has to be like this. Everything will be all right, baby, it's all gonna be fine."

And then I realized. Tonight was mine and Jacob's last night. We'd already agreed to spend the night before he left at the big house with my family since they were all leaving and I needed to be with all of them but now – now all I could think about was Jacob.

It really was my last chance this time.

I would cry later. The second Jacob left, I would lock myself away and cry and cry and cry until he came back and if he didn't, well, it didn't matter then but now I wouldn't cry. Now I would take every last inch of Jacob I could get.

I pulled out of his arms, swiping at my eyes. I could see Jacob's hands wanted to chase me, but he kept them still, watching what I would do. His eyes broke my heart.

I reached up and pulled my shirt up over my head, tossing it to the floor.

"Nessie – " Jacob said, his voice hoarse, but I didn't give him a chance to finish.

I threw myself back into his arms, sliding into his lap and pressing my breasts against his chest at the same time I pressed my open mouth to his. Jacob's hot arms closed around my back as he kissed me back, his tongue sliding past my lips.

I slid my hand down between our bodies to stroke Jacob through his shorts. Jacob acted like he was going to protest but I wasn't having that. He was leaving me after tomorrow and I needed him right now.

"Show me, Jacob," I panted against his mouth as I kissed him, my voice sounding weak and broken and childish. "Show me how much you want me."

"Nessie – "

"Show me how much you love me."

Jacob made a sound, deep in his chest and then I was on my back on the bed, my head lying in the opposite direction of the pillows. And Jacob was on top of me. He was hard against my leg and this affected me much stronger than it usually did.

Jacob wanted me, Jacob needed me. Even if he was leaving.

Jacob's mouth was everywhere: on my mouth, my neck, my breasts. He ran his hands up my thighs as he pulled one of my nipples past his lips – just the sight of him like that was enough to make me moan, let alone the sensations.

I waited, impatient with desire, as Jacob slid my panties down my legs.

"I don't need your fingers," I argued against Jacob's mouth as he slipped two fingers inside me at once, stretching me.

"You do," Jacob said back against my ear, licking it softly. "I can't hurt you, my Nessie."

My Nessie. His Nessie just like he was my Jacob.

I arched my back into him and moaned. He slid a third inside.

Jacob took me to the brink, biting and sucking gently on my neck and chest the entire time but I pushed him away before I fell over.

"I'm ready now, Jacob," I told him seriously, and he sat back.

Then he reached over into that fucking drawer and pulled out a condom.

"No," I said immediately. "I don't want that – I want to feel all of you tonight. I don't want to use it."

Jacob ignored me, sliding his shorts down his hips and rolling the condom on with what was now practiced ease. He laid himself back over me after he had finished kicking his shorts off the rest of the way, nudging my legs apart with his own. He kissed my lips, softly, but with that desperation on the edge that was threatening to take over.

"You'll feel all of me, Nessie," Jacob swore, and I shivered. "I promise."

I reached up to grip his hair with both hands and kissed him harder as he swiftly entered me. I groaned out in pleasure as I reached my goal. This was my goal tonight. It wasn't like the other nights – where the goal was the peak of our pleasure, this was it. Being joined together with my Jacob. I wanted to stay like this forever.

I didn't realize I had started crying again.

Jacob seemed to know the cause of the tears, because he didn't freak out, didn't assume he'd mortally injured me. Physically, at least. He just leaned in and brushed the tears away with his lips, one of his hot hands sliding down to the inside of my thigh.

"Open your legs wider, Ness," he said, his voice rough. But close to breaking, wavering. I didn't want to hear it like that. I obeyed him, spreading my legs a little more. "More, Nessie. As far as you can."

I obeyed him again, my tears clouding my vision and making it difficult for me to see his perfect face. I spread my legs as far as they would go, bending them at the knees and bracing them on the bed. I knew at once why Jacob had asked this of me.

I gasped and clutched Jacob to me hard as he slid deeper. Deeper than he'd ever been.

I sobbed.

Jacob's lips were on mine at once as he slowly started pulling out.

"I love you," he said against my lips, kissing them again. He slid back in, deeper than deep. "I'm so sorry that it has to be like this. I love you so much."

I wanted to tell him that I loved him too, but I couldn't. I could only cry. From relief and joy that I had my Jacob now and from fear and dread that he would be taken away from me so soon. And love – so much love. Filling me up and settling inside me even deeper than Jacob was now.

Jacob's breathing became erratic faster than it usually did, but his movements didn't speed up. He just kept kissing me and telling me he loved me. He whispered his love into my lips, my ear, the crook of my neck and the length of it. He said it into the slope of my chest and my breasts; my shoulders and throat. Every piece of skin touched by his mouth had an "I love you" whispered into it.

And for every letter in each of those I love you's, there was a tear.

I couldn't help it. They wouldn't stop coming – it was like a dam had been unlocked inside of me.

Jacob thrust into me particularly hard for his pace and buried his face in my neck. Not kissing, just pressing his face there, and let out a shaky breath. A shaky breath I knew well.

"I'm so sorry I have to leave you, Ness."

His voice broke.

I couldn't speak or even stop crying so I just pulled his face out of my neck by the hair and joined our lips frantically. I remember once thinking I was kissing Jacob like he was going away to war. That was nothing. This was kissing Jacob like he was going away to war.

Hard, fast and deep. Teeth, tongue, lips. It couldn't have looked pretty but that's what it was. I needed him as close as he could get. And Jacob kissed me back, matching every stroke of my tongue and press of my lips and more.

It was like our bodies were on autopilot, like something in our system knew we only had so much time left and we had to get it all in. Every kiss, every touch, every thrust.

It last longer than all our other times before. Jacob pushed me over again and again and again without even his hands, just his mouth and his body. They weren't big, earth-shattering finishes but they still made me moan and arch against him and clutch him to me.

They still made me gasp his name and whisper, "Please."

I know Jacob knew what I meant and I know that's why he never answered.

Finally, minutes or hours or weeks later, Jacob's lips broke away from mine as he pushed himself a little higher off of me. The tears had finally cleared enough to see his face. His eyes were red.

Jacob let his head drop, his hair tickling my face as he began to thrust into me in earnest. It was almost over. It was the first time I had been sad because of this. I never wanted it to end. I never wanted to separate.

Jacob let out a sharp, grunt-type groan with every thrust. I still wasn't used to my spread legs allowing him to go so deep – maybe he wasn't either. His face was screwed up with both pleasure and pain. The tension in my own stomach was building.

I think we reached that point together, because I arched my back hard against him and not even meaning to, dragged my fingernails down Jacob's back. Jacob's head fell down until our cheeks were almost brushing and he literally _roared_ in my ear.

It was a loud, angry, desperate, broken sound and it broke my heart all over again.

Two more thrusts and Jacob collapsed on top of me, barely holding his weight off with his arms and I reached up and pulled him down the rest of the way. I wanted him on me, suffocating me, his presence against me so strong that I still felt it when he was gone.

I felt Jacob soften, but he didn't immediately slide out of me like he usually did and for that I was glad. I needed the connection.

I was surprised when the delicious scent of Jacob's blood filled the air. I ran my fingers down his back to find it wet with more than sweat. I had made my Jacob bleed. I wasn't sorry.

"I love you," I choked out finally as I clutched his head to my neck. I could feel his lips there, just pressing. Jacob would know what I meant.

"I love _you_," Jacob's rough, muffled voice said back. "I – I swear to God, Nessie, if I could change it I – "

Jacob stuttered to a halt for a heartbeat as I pulled his face back look at me. Because his cheeks were wet.

"I would," he finished.

But he didn't look away.

Jacob wasn't hiding from me anymore.

He leaned in and kissed me, softer than soft. Then he slid out of me. I felt empty this time.

"But you can't."

"But I can't."

"So . . . wh-what now?"

Jacob ran his parted lips along my jaw, down the side of my neck, over my cheekbones.

"Now . . . we're together."

"For tonight." I didn't even have it in me to sound bitter, even though I was.

"For tonight."

I had gotten almost everything I had wanted. Jacob had given me everything I asked for except the thing that mattered most. He had married me, been together with me in the most intimate way possible, loved me and took care of me. We had shared everything – our food, our clothes, our bed, our shower, our bodies.

There was no part of my life Jacob hadn't witnessed or experienced and vice-versa. Except one.

I pushed Jacob lightly back from where he was giving me gentle, shallow kisses so I could watch his eyes.

"I want to see you phase."

It was something so huge, so monumental, such a massive part of Jacob's life and it hadn't even occurred to me that I'd never witnessed it. I'd ran with my russet wolf more times than I could count, curled up against him and scratched his ears while we slept in the forest and when I was really little, even rode him.

But I'd never _seen_ him phase. I'd never seen him turn from man to wolf – the transformation that made up such a big part of what he was. What we were.

Jacob's eyes clouded with confusion for the briefest second before he nodded. Just like that. Jacob would always give me what I wanted. Except this.

"Okay."

Jacob took one more kiss and then immediately sat back and got off the bed. I watched as he turned his back to me, stripped the condom off and slid his shorts back up over his hips. He turned back to me and offered me a hand, his eyes skimming my body like always.

I stood a little shakily, my legs tired from being stretched so wide in a direction they were not used to, but Jacob steadied me. With the arm that wasn't around my waist, Jacob opened one of his drawers and pulled out an old white t-shirt. I hated the whole three seconds I had to be out of his arms to pull it on.

I pulled my hair out from the shirt neck, not bothering with panties or a bra. The shirt came nearly to my knees, and I wasn't planning on anyone seeing me anyway. Jacob took my hand and wordlessly led me out of the door.

We crept in the moist Forks air to the trees just behind Jacob's house, Jacob leading me silently. The moonlight worked marvels on his skin, the lines of his back and arm thrown into sharp relief. After a few dozen yards, Jacob released my hand and turned to face me, taking four or five steps back.

I tried to step closer, but Jacob held out a hand to stop me.

"No," he said, his Alpha voice telling me there would be no arguing. "No, Nessie, stay there."

I obeyed him and watched as he slid his shorts back off and stepped out of them. His naked body looked amazing under the moon and I wanted to throw myself back at him. That my Jacob had told me to stay where I was was the only thing keeping me from doing it.

The Romans really had no idea what they were doing, or maybe they'd just never seen a body as glorious as Jacob's, because none of their statues and art and mosaics and paintings even held a candle to it. And white marble would never be able to do Jacob's body justice, not after I'd seen it such a rich copper like it was now.

Jacob just stood in front of me for a second, and then he kind of stretched in his place, arching his back and twisting his shoulders.

I blessed my half-vampire sight then or else I would have missed it. I wouldn't have seen it in such amazing, astounding, beautiful detail.

The change rolled over his body in waves. Jacob's spine elongated, his skull and face moving, morphing. He fell forward onto all fours as his body sprouted fur and he grew. God, did he grow. Taller, bigger, wider, until he was almost as big as a horse.

I don't think I would ever forget how the russet fur burst from his body, how his shoulders expanded. The way he twisted his neck like he was shaking out a crick, and then he stood before me, in all his wolf-glory.

It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

I had seen Jacob as a wolf hundreds of times, but now he looked different. I felt shy to approach him.

Then he pawed the ground and tossed his head, letting out a low whine. My Jacob wanted me.

I crossed the space between us slowly, my hand held out. I probably looked like I was afraid, but I wasn't. I was just in awe. My fingers finally came into contact with Jacob's muzzle and he ducked his head into my touch and closed his eyes like he was savoring it.

Then Jacob stepped forward from under my hand and dipped his head to nuzzle his warm nose against my cheek. He made a contented sound that rumbled in his chest and made me feel good. I pressed my fingers into his warm neck, burying my fingers into his fur to reach the skin underneath so I could show him.

I showed him the phase through my eyes, how beautiful he looked as his body changed. He made a sound halfway between a whine and a growl and nuzzled harder.

"Thank you, Jake," I whispered, pressing a kiss into the short fur on his small wolf cheek. Small in comparison with the rest of his body, at least.

Jacob collapsed to the ground at my feet and rolled over onto his back, looking up at me with what were literally big puppy dog eyes. I couldn't help but smile, even as all twisted up as my insides were. I fell to my knees beside him and scratched his belly, marveling at how different our relationship was when Jacob was a wolf.

I moved my hand a little, scratching a different place and Jacob's leg kicked involuntarily. I actually laughed, and Jacob's muzzle pulled back – a wolf-smile.

"Do you like that?"

Jacob's jaw fell open and his tongue lolled out, a full-on grin. I scratched him there harder and his leg kicked a few more times and I giggled. Jacob rolled onto his side and I curled up beside him, pressing my face into his soft neck. I scratched him behind the ears and threw my leg over his warm body.

I think I was about ready for Jake to be human-Jake again. I loved wolf-Jake too, but, well. I wanted . . . something wolf-Jacob couldn't give me.

I looked up and scrunched my nose against the tickling sensation when Jacob brushed his across mine.

"Jacob?"

I think he got it because he made to pull away from me, but I held him tight in my arms. I understand why he didn't want to phase with me close, since he was expanding, but when he was phasing back, surely there was no danger?

And I wanted an up-close view.

Wolf-Jacob's dark eyes held mind and then I felt Jacob's body . . . contracting. I held him close as he continued to shrink, felt the fur recede under my fingers. A second later I was staring into my Jacob's face, one hand rested on his neck, a leg thrown over his bare hip.

I gasped at the sudden difference.

Then Jacob's arms were around me.

"You're so beautiful," I whispered, hardly believing it. I'd been surrounded by the mythical and supernatural my entire life, but I'd never seen anything so . . . magical. "That was so beautiful, Jacob."

I think his cheeks might have actually gone pink.

"Nothing's beautiful next to you, Ness," Jacob said, his eyes, still dark but so different now as a human, boring into me. "You make the stars fucking jealous."

It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that my Jacob was so perfect and sweet and sensitive and amazing and was getting taken from me. But that's what it was.

I pulled Jacob tighter to me and tried to fight back the tears back as I laid with him under the stars.

* * *

**Coming up:**

"We only have so many hours left, Jake," I said, trying to keep the traitorous choking out of my voice as I said it. Just the thought was enough to send me into a tailspin. I kissed his full lips again. "Don't close yourself off from me yet."

"I'm sorry, Nessie," Jacob said, his eyes fluttering closed as he pressed our foreheads together. "I'm just trying to keep it together."

"You always keep it together, Jacob," I praised, since I knew he needed to hear it. There was something else he needed to hear. "That's why you're such a good Alpha. I'm so glad you're my Alpha, Jake."

Jacob made the warm, almost-purring sound deep in his chest again and my stomach twisted. But it was true. I always, always obeyed Jacob. Trusted him to lead me even when I didn't necessarily agree.


	56. In Which There are No Words

**_A/N: _**So here's this. I think my blood/human-theory is plausible but maybe y'all won't agree. There's a little flashback - I don't like doing those so I hope this turned out. :) That's about it for the chapter - I think it mostly speaks for itself.

Also, if you haven't, please go vote for _The Sweetest Girl_ over at the SOB page! Here's the link: **_fanfiction(dot)com/~sortofbeautifulchallenge_**

Oh, and a private reviewer asked a few chapters back if I'd ever write a J/B story. I'm so, so flattered that you enjoy my work and my writing, and I adore having you as a reader - but I would never write a J/N fic. I think Jake and Nessie are soul mates, and I never have forgiven Bella for yanking Jake around like that. She doesn't deserve him - bring on the flames, but that's how I feel. So I'm sorry, but no, I'm a J/N girl - I hope I didn't offend. :)

**_Disclaimer: _**I don't own it - sorry. I'm watching makeup tutorials on E! and laughing. It's ridiculous - makup is not science, nor is it so important to warrant people to study it!

**_

* * *

_**

In Which There are No Words

* * *

_and i wish that i could make you see  
__this is where you ought to be  
__come down to me_

_- saving jane, come down to me_

-

The next morning, everything was done in slow motion.

My eyes fluttered open to find Jacob's dark ones watching me. We were back in our room – I had a vague recollection of Jacob carrying me here last night. I must have fallen asleep in the forest. I'd wanted to . . . be with Jacob again last night, under the stars, but he'd refused because we hadn't had protection.

But I saw in his eyes that it wasn't the real reason.

He wanted the time before in the bed to be our last time. Jacob had already said goodbye to me.

He kissed my forehead gently as soon as my eyes opened and we just laid together for a few moments.

"We have to get up now," he said finally.

That's what I'd been dreading.

I nodded, but made no movement towards getting up until Jacob pulled the covers gently from our bodies and started shifting. Jacob led me wordlessly to the bathroom, stripped me of his shirt and himself of his shorts and set me into the shower.

He washed my body with a soft attentiveness, but left my hair alone. Jacob let me reciprocate the favor until I tried to touch him, at which he grasped my wrist softly and rinsed himself and then me off. I tried to hold back the stinging tears at that small rejection.

Jacob toweled me off and carried me back to the bedroom, not speaking a word the entire time. He hadn't spoken since the bedroom.

Jacob dressed me himself, ignoring my attempts and half-voiced protests that I could do it myself. I wanted to be taken care of this last time, so I relented. Jacob kneeled down so I could step into my panties and pulled them up my legs. He held out my bra for me to slide my arms through and then attached it for me in the back, even reaching inside the cup of the bra to adjust my breasts like he'd seen me do before the past week.

Jacob grabbed some loose grey cotton pants off the top of the suitcase and raised his eyebrow in question so I nodded to tell him they were fine. He didn't say a word. He guided me into them, buttoning and zipping them for me and then surprised me by pulling me back to his dresser. He dug for a minute until he pulled out what was obviously one of his old shirts.

It had to have been really old, back before Jacob had his "wolf-spurt" because it was still pretty small. Made for someone very thin, but tall. It was white, with 'Quiliute Reservation' written across the top. In the center was a circle with the silhouette of a wolf with its head thrown back, howling.

Jacob wanted me to wear his shirt. Out, in front of everyone.

I think the look in my eyes told Jacob how much I liked the idea because he didn't shoot me a questioning look. I lifted my arms so he could slide the shirt over my arms and head and onto my body. I shivered a little as his hot knuckles brushed my stomach as he pulled the shirt down.

It came down a few inches past my hips but not to my knees and it was very loose, but not baggy like his shirts now were. Jacob's eyes changed in a good way when he took in me in his shirt. He turned me gently around and pulled my hair from the neck of the shirt. Jacob's hands left me then and I turned to see him dropping his towel and pulling his jeans up over his hips.

His eyes flitted back to me, looking a little surprised to see me watching him but he still didn't say anything. He just took our hairbrush from his dresser and guided me gently back around. He softly, tenderly brushed my hair; once in awhile I would feel his fingers sift through the curls.

After awhile, I was surprised to feel Jacob twisting my hair in his large hands, one of them reaching up to smooth out the hair on the crown of my head. Then I felt his hands leave my hair, but it didn't fall onto my neck. I turned towards the mirror to see my hair in a neat bun.

I was touched. I wanted to say something, but the words wouldn't come. Jacob gestured for me to sit on the bed, so I did. He dropped the hairbrush beside me and stepped away. I was confused for a second before I saw him turn back around with my fake-Converse from Wal-Mart and a fresh pair of socks.

I sat quietly, wordlessly just like Jacob as he kneeled in front of me to slide my socks on. Just like on our wedding night. When Jacob finally finished tying my shoes like a child in a way that didn't make me feel childish at all, just taken care of, I decided I need to reciprocate. Even if it was only a little.

I grasped Jacob's face in my hands as he made to pull away, his eyes flitting up to mine before he avoided them again.

"I want to brush your hair," I said, my voice sounding weird and loud in the room. "Okay, Jake?"

Jacob gave me a barely imperceptible nod. His eyes turned a little confused when they followed me as I stood up. I needed a hair-tie.

Thankfully, Jacob hadn't moved from his place, so I just went back and sat down. I kept my eyes on Jacob's while I brushed, but he kept his on my lips, my cheeks, my hair, anywhere but returning my gaze. I brushed his hair a few seconds longer than I needed to. When I was done, I set the brush on the bed and ran my fingers through his beautiful hair, gathering it all in the back.

It was so soft and felt like heaven under my fingers. I leaned forward, until I could feel Jacob's hot breath on my neck, so I could secure the short length of his hair in the back. I made sure it was secure before I leaned back again.

A strand that was too short to fit into the ponytail fell forward into his eyes, and I brushed it back behind his ear. He closed his eyes and leaned his face into my hand like wolf-Jacob had last night. He looked young.

Then he stood up, almost abruptly and turned his back on me. He pulled one of his drawers open and seemed to be digging for something. I almost smiled when I realized it was his wolf shirt. Almost

Jacob pulled it over his head and then walked to the door, where his tennis shoes were sitting. He slipped them on without any socks and then walked the one step back to me. He held out his hand.

We were leaving. I . . . I didn't want to leave our house for what might be the last time like this.

"Jacob, I love you," my mouth burst out as my hand touched Jacob's.

Jacob pulled me up and into his chest then, hugging me tight against him. I wrapped my arms around his wide back and clung – just clung. I knew I wouldn't have many more chances to do that.

"I love you too," Jacob finally said, his voice rough. I hadn't heard it for nearly half an hour and I reveled in it. "I love you so much, Nessie."

I tilted my face up towards Jacob's to find it solemn and stretched up to wrap my arms around his neck. I knew Jacob would know what I wanted.

He didn't disappoint me. He never did.

Jacob pulled me, gentler than he ever had, up into his arms. He held me tight against him, my feet dangling off the ground, with one strong arm, and his other came up to cup my face. He brought his lips to mine and kissed me softly, sweetly. His lips were warm and gentle against mine, like I was fragile.

I parted my lips just the slightest and Jacob pressed one of his in between them. I couldn't help but sigh against his mouth. I couldn't help but forget everything when our lips were together.

I pressed a kiss to the corner of Jacob's mouth once he withdrew. His cheeks and jaw and chin too. Soft, closed-mouthed kisses.

"We only have so many hours left, Jake," I said, trying to keep the traitorous choking out of my voice as I said it. Just the thought was enough to send me into a tailspin. I kissed his full lips again. "Don't close yourself off from me yet."

"I'm sorry, Nessie," Jacob said, his eyes fluttering closed as he pressed our foreheads together. "I'm just trying to keep it together."

"You always keep it together, Jacob," I praised, since I knew he needed to hear it. There was something else he needed to hear. "That's why you're such a good Alpha. I'm so glad you're my Alpha, Jake."

Jacob made the warm, almost-purring sound deep in his chest again and my stomach twisted. But it was true. I always, always obeyed Jacob. Trusted him to lead me even when I didn't necessarily agree.

I agreed to stay in California when Billy was sick. I was willing to agree to stay away from my family if Jacob had felt it wasn't safe. I trusted Jacob to lead me in our relationship, physically and otherwise, to teach me and show me and I allowed him to stop me when he decided it was too much.

And now I was getting ready to sit back and watch Jacob march off to war and not do a goddamn thing about it. Because Jacob had asked me to. Because he wasn't changing his mind but that didn't change that he still needed me.

"You're not a part of my pack, Nessie," Jacob said. "You're so much more."

"No, I'm your imprint," I said, smiling. I remembered when that word made me want to cry. "I'm your mate. I'm your wife. And you're my husband and my Alpha."

Jacob kissed me again, soft but strong, the force behind his lips surprising even when he was simply holding them against mine.

"Everything's gonna be all right, Ness."

I didn't want Jacob telling me lies, even if he thought they were for my own good, so I said, "I'm ready to go now."

"I'm not."

That took me up short. Did he . . .?

"I – I know we have to," he followed up quickly, crushing my hopes. "That's not changing. But . . . but I don't want to share you for the last little bit we've got left."

"They're my family, Jake," I said, pressing my lips to his again. "I have to be with them."

"I know," Jacob agreed, like I knew he would. Like he always did. "I know that, I wasn't saying – they're my family too."

This brought me up short and surprised me and touched me and everything else. I know we'd been living as pretty much one big family my entire life, but Jacob had never said it like that, just out loud. His family too.

He loved my family just as much as I did. Because they were his – before in everything but name, and now . . .

"Yeah," I said, managing a smile. "Definitely your family too."

The ride to the big house was silent, but in a much more comfortable way than before. I think we were both fully aware as we cut the car and got out and walked up the steps to the big house that it was different than all the times before. That the next time one of us left it, it would be –

I cut this thought off as Jacob pulled the door open and ushered me in ahead of him. The house was disturbingly quiet, especially considering how bustling it'd been lately. Poor Jacob – it'd been so hard for him with all the vampires around. And with the exception of the Denali's, they weren't the vegetarian kind.

"Where do you think everyone is?" I asked Jake as I pulled him into the strangely empty sitting room and onto the couch with me.

"Well, I don't know about your family, but the uh . . ." Jacob kind of pulled a face as he struggled to keep his expression polite and wrapped and arm around my shoulders and pulled me to him. "_Other ones _are making themselves scarce tonight. They'll – they'll be back tomorrow."

The words 'in time to leave' hung unspoken in the air between us.

"Oh," I said, realizing I was relieved. It wouldn't have been very nice to spend my last little bit of time with my family in a house full of almost strangers. Even if they were amazingly great strangers who had traveled the globe to help fight a war for my sake, it still just wouldn't be the same. "That's . . . good."

Momma and Daddy came down the stairs then. I was struck with a disturbing thought as I watched my mom comb her fingers through what was a second ago her slightly tousled hair. Jacob had said he hadn't known where everyone was, but Jacob always knew when there was a vampire in the house.

And it took my parents longer to get down here than it should have. Especially for vampires.

I shot a look at Jacob, who was looking at his feet and saw from his expression that I was probably right.

Ew.

I buried my face in Jacob's chest for a few seconds to collect myself. Jacob wrapped his arm around me a little tighter and when I looked back up I saw a smile fighting to get out onto his lips.

"Renesmee, sweetie," Momma said, smiling warmly at me as she came to sit beside me on the couch. I almost flinched away when she went to hug me, but didn't. I would be grown up. "I've missed you. How are you, Jacob?"

"All right," Jacob said, a little low. None of us were really all right.

"Daddy," I said in greeting, smiling as he leaned down and kissed my cheek before he sat down beside Momma.

"Good morning, Renesmee," Dad said, smiling back in a way that didn't exactly meet his eyes. "Did you sleep well?"

I nodded yes to his question and tried not to blush.

"Have you hunted already this morning?"

I shook my head no. I had completely forgotten in light of . . . other things.

"You should."

I nodded again.

It had come to light about a week ago that my body had been undergoing changes that I hadn't really noticed when we'd been running. I had been wrestling with Jacob in the front yard one night while everyone was outside and Jacob had me pinned.

After a few minutes of struggle, I shouted at him to get off of me, all in jest of course and of course Jacob obeyed me. In his way. He stood up and pulled me with him, but kept my arms secured tight in front of me. Finally I got him to let me go and I stomped, tired and grinning and a little . . . flushed in a way that had nothing to do with tiredness, back to the porch.

I tried to avoid Uncle Jasper as he seemed to be making a beeline towards me, since I didn't want him feeling this particular . . . emotional state, but he wouldn't let up.

"Nessie," he said once he caught me on the very back-end of the veranda, where I could see Kate helping Momma test her shield. It held strong. "I need to ask you something."

"Sure, Uncle Jazz," I had said, trying to calm myself down from Jacob's strong arms wrapped around me. "What is it?"

"When you were wrestling with Jacob just now, could you really not escape from him?"

"No," I admitted. "He had me pretty good. Why?"

"Even when he only had your hands?"

"Yeah," I said, feeling my brow furrow in confusion.

"Nessie, that's not good," he said, his topaz eyes bright and serious with worry. "You should have been able to knock him loose, at least when he had only your hands, if you were really trying. Are you absolutely certain you were really trying to get free?"

I remembered how I was feeling a little desperate to get away before I lost control of myself in front of my family and all their vampire friends and jumped Jacob. Yes, I had definitely really been trying to get away. I nodded.

Uncle Jasper grabbed my wrist, not as tight as he was capable of, of course, or my hand would've been gone, but tight. "Try and break free of this."

I tried, and of course, I couldn't.

"Try harder," he commanded.

I did, and still couldn't. Becoming frustrated, I tried again without him prompting me but still with no luck.

He loosed his grip a little. "Try again."

He had to loosen his grip three times before I could finally wrench my wrist free.

"Jump," he commanded me, still confusing me and worrying me at the same time. I was getting really frustrated – surely I had been stronger than this before? "As high as you can."

I hadn't really jumped or ran or anything in the last few months, but I did anyway. I crouched down and sprung up as far as I could, my outreached fingers barely skimming the high-roof of the veranda we were standing on. It was high, but not as high as I'd been capable of.

"Come, Nessie," he instructed me, already striding away from me towards where Grandpa Carlisle and Daddy were talking with Benjamin.

I went, not sure exactly what was going on but curious to find out. Jacob had wandered over to watch my Mom's practice, but when I strode past him with Uncle Jasper and Jacob's eyes flitted over his face, he stood immediately up and headed towards us. We reached Daddy and Grandpa Carlisle at the same time.

"Edward," Uncle Jasper said pointedly. "Something's come to my attention that I think we need to discuss."

He went on to entail how he had watch Jacob and I wrestle and how I hadn't been able to break free of his hold even though I said I was trying my hardest. Uncle Jasper turned to Jacob.

"Were you holding her with your full strength?"

"Of course I wasn't," Jacob said defensively. "I didn't need to and I wouldn't have even if I did."

The look on Uncle Jasper's face told me that wasn't very good. He explained then how he'd tested my strength and it had severely reduced compared with how it had been before and how I couldn't jump as high as I used to either.

The whole time they were talking, I wondered when this had started happening. I hadn't noticed my strength or speed or agility starting to deplete, but then again I hadn't done anything very taxing to my body, especially a half-vampire one. Well, until lately, but that particular act didn't require strength or speed.

"And I think you can see how that's not very good at all considering our current situation," Uncle Jasper finished.

Jacob's hand came out to massage my shoulder.

"Why do you think it is?" Jacob said in complete Alpha-mode. I could already feel his posture changing behind me, his body tightening up, standing straighter. "Why is she getting weaker?"

There was silence for the space of a heartbeat before Grandpa Carlisle spoke.

"Blood," he said simply. Daddy and Uncle Jasper seemed to understand at once, but it took my half-vampire brain a second to catch up. "You haven't hunted, Renesmee. Since you've been back or at all since you've been gone. With the exception of . . . a very small amount of human blood on one occasion, you haven't had any blood intake at all."

I was a little . . . horrified that Grandpa Carlisle knew about me biting Jacob. How did he know? Had Daddy picked it out of my or Jacob's head before Momma started shielding us? Had Jacob told him?

"You haven't been feeding your vampire side at all these past few months," Grandpa Carlisle theorized, with the air of someone who already knew he was right. Dad stood silently beside him, thinking intently. "So it's gotten weaker. You've been living like a human, so your body is becoming more human. That's probably what allowed and called for the need for your body to faint the night you returned – you were more human than before, your mind more fragile."

I just stood, taken aback. All of that because I'd gone on a more normal diet?

I came to a horrible conclusion. I was about to voice it when Jacob's body stiffened even more behind me and gripped my shoulder hard.

"Is she . . . is she becoming human?"

No. No, I couldn't. I could become human, start aging. I had already committed myself to an eternity with Jacob. A lifetime just wasn't enough.

"No, no, of course not," Daddy said hurriedly and I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to kiss Jake, whose body almost sagged at these words. "Her vampire side is just . . . going into . . . reserve, I suppose. From lack of use or, most likely, proper nourishment. Right, Carlisle?"

"I think that is correct," Grandpa Carlisle returned. "Your normal abilities should return with time with the reintroduction of blood into your diet. Your strength, your speed – but Renesmee, now you must hunt more than usual to regain your strength more quickly."

"We can't take any chances," Uncle Jasper put in.

"We won't," Jacob stated.

So that was how I got hooked into hunting everyday. It wasn't so bad – my strength came back and so did most of my speed. I was even able to pick up Jacob the other day, but it wasn't easy. The look on his face was worth it, though.

"I'll take her," Jacob's voice said, shaking me back into the present. "We won't be gone long."

* * *

**Coming up:**

We sat in silence for awhile. Finally, I tilted my face up towards him. "Kiss me, Jacob."

It felt good, to say it like that. Because I could. Because I had the right to.

Jacob obediently dipped his head down, pressing his lips softly to mine. It was our first kiss since leaving the house this morning and I hadn't realized how much I'd missed it until I had it.

My requested kiss was soft, close-mouthed, and over entirely too soon.

Yes, Jacob had already said his goodbyes.


	57. In Which Vamps and Wolves Watch Pirates

**_A/N: _**All right, y'all, this is the last chapter before the goodbye scene. There's some comic relief though, so hopefully you won't kill me! I hate making Jake so sad, but it's necessary. Hey - they might never see each other again; they're not going to play twister and hug goodbye in the morning. So, yeah. I hope you like it.

Voting for the **Sort of Beautiful Contest** closes today - I'm not sure if it closes at midnight officially or if tomorrow/today is just the last day. Hmm . . . well, if you haven't voted yet and you want to, make sure you drop by just to check. I think they might stay open an extra day since they started late. The link can be found in several of the previous chapters, but I'll give it to you again anyway:

**_fanfiction(dot)net/~sortofbeautifulchallenge_**

So, yep. Also, I'd really like it if anyone who knows their way around Native American culture and in pretty knowledgeable and willing to help me solve a little problem/question, could PM me please. It's for something I'm writing and I want to be as authentic as possible.

**_Disclaimer: _**Would you believe that me, a seventeen year old girl posting on FF.n, doesn't own Twilight? Crazy, right?

* * *

In Which Vampires and Werewolves Watch Pirates

* * *

_why don't you stay?  
__i'm down on my knees  
__i'm so tired of being lonely  
__don't i give you what you need?_

_- sugarland, stay_

_-_

It was nice hunting with Jacob. I hadn't yet since . . . everything. The first everything, I mean. The running away from my Grandfather's wedding with my best friend because crazy vampires were chasing us and subsequently finding out said best friend returned the love I'd been harboring for him everything. Not the coming home to my vampire family after three months of running to find that there was going to be a war and forcing said best friend to marry me and spending every night thereafter christening every part of the house everything.

Although, I have to admit the best part of the trip was seeing Jacob phase again, and the glimpses of his naked body in between. I stumbled back into the house feeling all sloshy with elk and Jacob right behind me, groaning about getting some real food.

"I thought men liked meat?" I teased, but he just mumbled something about liking _cooked meat_.

Jacob ate and then everyone coincidentally appeared around the same five minutes. A lot of coincidences happened when you lived in a house full of vampires who could see, hear, and smell better than you. And could also read your mind, your emotions and occasionally see your future.

An awful lot of coincidences indeed, once you come to think about it.

I kissed and hugged everyone and tried not to think about how this was our last day, because then I would cry. We did something very normal for our family and watched movies, which I realized only once we started doing it that it was something we'd never done before. We'd never just sat down, all of us together, and watched a movie.

And Alice, well, I still wasn't very sure she really couldn't see Jacob and me because the movies she'd prepared for our little marathon? The Pirates of the Caribbean series.

We actually got through the whole thing this time, and it was hilarious. I don't know why we'd never done this before – watching a movie with my family was great! Between Aunt Rose, Jacob and Uncle Emmett, everyone was cracking up.

Uncle Jasper stayed mostly silent, playing with Aunt Alice's hair, who chirped her input in occasionally but was uncharacteristically quiet. Grandpa Carlisle kept wanting to pause the movie to inform us about actual style, speech, and mannerisms during that time period. Grandma Esme kept leaving and coming back with sweets for me and Jacob, most of which Jacob ate since I was still kind of full on elk.

We were all coupled up, me and Jacob snuggled together on one end of the couch with Momma and Daddy beside us. Uncle Jasper and Aunt Alice sat together on a plush rug on the ground although they would have been just as comfortable on a bed of nails and Grandma and Grandpa sat with Aunt Rose and Uncle Emmett on the other couch.

Momma held my hand and the hand of Dad's arm that was wrapped around her shoulders rested on mine. It was so nice, being connected to everyone like this. Jacob, Momma, Daddy.

"Why doesn't she just jump off the boat and swim back?" Jacob asked loudly as Elizabeth realized Captain Barbossa had tricked her. "It's not like they're that far – look how close the shore is!"

"Not everyone is a werewolf or a vampire, Jacob," I reminded him, rolling my eyes a little. "And maybe she can't swim. You saw what happened in the beginning, what with the passing out and the getting rescued."

Jacob's body tightened and I felt my cheeks redden. I knew Jacob was remembering the last time we watched this movie and our discussion about that scene in particular.

"Yeah, but she swims later in the movie," he continued loudly, in a voice that was meant to carry so everyone could hear his wit. "She passed out before – that's why the drunk guy had to jump in and save her. So why doesn't she just jump?"

"Because then it wouldn't be a movie," I settled for, which was what Momma used to always tell me when I asked questions like that when I was little. I saw her smile from the corner of my eye and her cold thumb ran over my hand. "If everyone acted sensibly, it would be over in the first fifteen minutes and no one would watch it."

"Yeah, well," Jacob continued. "She still should've jumped."

"Hey, Nessie," Uncle Emmett's voice asked and I knew I was in for another Jacob-type round of questions. This was what I got for admitting to liking this movie. "Why do they care that bad if she drops the necklace? I mean, they can walk under water, right? So couldn't they just dive in and get it?"

"Movie, Uncle Em," I reminded him. "Movie."

"I would eat naked with the crew before I wore that dress," Aunt Rose swore when such a threat was made to Elizabeth a little later on. Aunt Alice immediately seconded this opinion and Momma scoffed.

"And really," Jacob put in a few minutes later. "If she couldn't jump off the boat and swim back when they were like a hundred yards from shore, what good does she think it's gonna do to kill him now? Except make all the crazy, dirty pirates really mad at her?"

And so it continued like this.

"I love that dog. That dog is the best thing in this entire damn movie."

"Of course you would find a sense of kinsman-ship with a street mutt, pup."

"Wow – it's really easy to steal a ship from the royal navy."

"And you can sail it to a port I don't know how far away to get a crew, when supposedly sailing it without a crew is impossible. Awesome. A magic boat."

"I wish I could get drunk."

"Shut up, Emmett. We can't even handle you sober."

"Cool. Convenient immortality."

"Didn't they say something about it like taking time for them to realize what they'd become before? Like, the more money they spent or whatever? So how come the drunk dude takes one piece and gets to be all undead and stuff? That seems unfair. He didn't even work for it."

The movie ended not too long after this and we took a small break to eat the lunch that Grandma Esme had somehow managed to prepare during her short little trips to the kitchen. Had to respect the vampire hands.

Jacob and I ate, sitting so close our thighs touched and I did any and everything I could with my mind to keep it off the impending separation. A mental breakdown probably wouldn't be very helpful right about now.

After a rush to the bathroom to rinse out my mouth and well, use the bathroom, we all congregated back in the living room. Aunt Alice slid in the DVD and bounced back to her seat on the floor.

"Sexy," Jacob muttered, taking me by surprise, about halfway through the movie. It took my brain a second to realize he was talking about Davy Jones, who had just appeared onscreen for the first time. "How could his lady have said no to that?"

"You're horrible," I told him, twisting my head on his chest to see him better. I almost forgot myself and kissed him. "You know that, right?"

"I know that," he informed me, giving me a smile that made me wish we were alone before he turned back to the movie.

I buried my face in Jacob's chest when they whipped Will Turner, sucking in a little breath with each crack of the whip I heard. Jacob chuckled and murmured "baby" into my hair but it sounded more like a term of endearment than name-calling.

As Aunt Alice put the third film in, I started to get restless from sitting in the same place so long. I think Jacob sensed it because he leaned down to whisper in my ear, "D'you wanna stretch out?"

Of course, everyone in the room heard, them being vampire and all.

"I brought blankets for the human!" Aunt Alice called out, proud of herself, passing a red throw blanket to Daddy who spread it over he and Momma's legs. "Well, half-human. The only one who gets cold, anyway."

It took Jacob instructing me to lay out in my ear for me to realize what the blanket was for: to protect me from their cold, hard skin. Jacob reached down and grabbed one of the throw pillows that he'd thrown to the floor when he'd sat down and pulled it into his lap.

I scooted down and rested my head against the pillow in Jacob's lap and stretched the rest of my body out over the free space I had made and my parents. My Dad grasped my feet gently and pulled me down until I was stretched out almost completely. The back of my head was resting against Jacob's stomach and my arms on his legs. His fingers came down to play with my hair.

I could get used to this position.

Jacob insisted on subtitles for the third movie and I agreed with him because I'd gotten tired of "translating" for him in the second one when Aunt Alice refused because she claimed she "didn't want to get up". What kind of excuse was that for a vampire?

Jacob was much quieter through this part. He would probably die before admit it, but I think it was because he was more interested than before. His fingers stayed in my hair, sometimes trailing down to trace over my cheekbone, even once brushing across my lips. His scent enveloped me and made it hard to concentrate on the movie.

Now that Jake and I were married, I wondered where we would sleep tonight. I know we couldn't . . . do that, but I really wanted to curl up against him and kiss him and pretend he wasn't leaving with the morning light.

Jacob shifted his arm so it rested on my side, hanging down over my stomach as his other hand continuing to thread itself through my hair. It was so soothing, so reassuring. I remember waiting with bated breath as I knew the movie was coming to its climax. I knew that when Will died and Jack Sparrow had to pull Elizabeth away from his body as the boat came crashing down, I would cry.

I would more than cry. I would come undone. Completely and utterly. Just remembering that scene hit too close to home.

But then I woke up.

The room was dark and the television was off, the room silent. I don't know whether the movie ended or was turned off. When I shifted and inhaled, I realized Jacob was still under me. It looked like we were the only ones in the room. I shifted more onto my back so I could look up at Jacob, who was looking down at me.

"Hey," he said after a second.

"Hey," I said back, feeling a little silly. I reached up to touch his neck, let my fingers play across the place where his skin appeared over his t-shirt. "How long was I out?"

"Only about an hour," Jacob said, smoothing my hair back which had come mostly out of the bun from this morning. I started trying to sit up and Jacob helped me the rest of the way, pulling me gently sideways into his lap. "Everybody wandered off to do vampy stuff after the movie ended. I told them we were cool and that I'd stay with you."

For tonight. Jacob would stay with me tonight. And then tomorrow he would leave.

"They'll uh . . . be back in a few hours, they said."

"Oh," I said usefully. "So . . . what do you want to do?"

Jacob shrugged, a hot arm running up my back to guide me softly into his chest. Of course, I went.

"This," he said simply.

God. I was going to die tomorrow.

We sat in silence for awhile. Finally, I tilted my face up towards him. "Kiss me, Jacob."

It felt good, to say it like that. Because I could. Because I had the right to.

Jacob obediently dipped his head down, pressing his lips softly to mine. It was our first kiss since leaving the house this morning and I hadn't realized how much I'd missed it until I had it.

My requested kiss was soft, close-mouthed, and over entirely too soon.

Yes, Jacob had already said his goodbyes.

We sat together, in the dark, doing nothing for the next few hours. I would have said it could have been days or weeks for all I knew, but that wouldn't be true. Because I knew when the next day came, I would definitely know it. Because Jacob wouldn't be here.

I buried my face in Jacob's neck and my fingers in his hair as his hands ran up and down my back. Sometimes over my thighs, but it was just soothing, a comfort. I knew Jacob wouldn't touch me like that now.

Maybe he would, if I asked. But I didn't want to take the chance of him telling me no. That would hurt too much.

Sometimes I kissed Jacob's neck, just to make sure he was still there. Just to feel him under my mouth, but he ignored it. Or didn't respond, at least.

"You should eat," Jacob said finally, almost startling me.

I almost laughed. Yes, I should definitely eat to gather up all my strength to be locked up in this stupid house tomorrow while he marched off, merry as a mouse, to war. I'm the one in need of sustenance.

"You should too," I said back instead.

"We'll both eat," Jacob compromised, and then tapped my behind softly. "Hop up, Ness."

I did, sad to be away from his warm body, but I wasn't too far. Jacob stood up straight behind me and followed me closely to the kitchen. My hair that had fallen mostly out of its bun was pulling weird so I made to pull it out and redo it, but when I started twisting up my hair, Jacob's hand closed softly around my wrist.

"Leave it," was all he said.

So of course I did.

I slid the hair-tie onto my wrist and ran my fingers through my hair a few times to calm it down instead. Jacob's eyes watched my hair instead of my face while I did.

We ate chicken salad, which probably would have been delicious if I could have tasted anything at all. The forced-normalcy, the pleasant-forgetfulness of the day had set with the sun. Now it was just a countdown.

Jacob ate about as much as a normal person would, but that was still reason enough for me to worry.

"Eat, Jacob," I urged him.

To which he shrugged his shoulders and took another bite. "I am eating."

"You know what I mean," I said, sitting up in my seat to scoop a few more big ladles full of chicken salad onto his plate. "Come on, Jake. Eat. For me."

He cleared off his plate and filled it one more time without another word.

Jacob took both our plates to the sink when we were done, but just sat them there, didn't wash them. He came back and offered me his hand.

"Do you want to go lay down?"

Did I? Did I want to sleep? Whittle away my precious minutes and more precious hours even more? Or did I want to stay awake, fully, painfully, consciously aware as each second ticked away?

But then I remembered Jacob said lay. Lay, not sleep.

And I did want to curl up with my Jacob.

I nodded.

I took his hand and he pulled me lightly off of the chair and led me up the stairs and to Dad's old room. I think was a testament to how well Jacob knew me – to know I would want to be near him at the same time I could be near the scent of my parents, smell them on their things, sit in the places they always sat.

Jacob pulled the covers back and I crawled in and sat back, waiting for him. I watched as he stepped out of his shoes, which was strange since I lost mine about four seconds after we walked through the door and Jacob was usually right ahead of me. I expected him to pull off his shirt, because he always did, but he didn't. He just crawled into bed beside me.

I reached forward and gathered some of the fabric of the shirt in my fingers. "Why don't you take it off, Jacob?"

He just shrugged. I sighed. I didn't like closed-off Jacob.

"Take it off," I urged him quietly. "You know you're not comfortable in it, Jake."

He nodded and leaned away from me, pulling the shirt up over his head and dropping it easily to the floor. But only because I'd asked.

I sidled up to Jacob as he laid himself down on his side, resting my head on top of his arm and pressing our bodies together. His skin felt so amazing, so comforting against mine. I nuzzled my face into his chest and slung a leg over his hip. Jacob's body tensed, but he didn't say anything.

"I love you, my Jacob," I whispered after a few minutes, lifting my eyes up to his to find them watching me. "So much."

Jacob exhaled hard and pulled my face back into his chest. "Love you too, my Ness. So fucking much."

I fell into a kind of half-conscious state, not asleep but not awake either. I knew I wasn't asleep because I wasn't dreaming, but it wasn't blackness either. I wasn't sure if my eyes were open or not, but I was aware of Jacob against me, the bed under me, his breathing, steady and assuring above me. But I don't think I was quite awake either, because everything kind of blurred together, thoughts running into each other and looping over and then losing themselves into something unrelated.

I know sometime during the night the bedroom door creaked open and I smelled my parents. I know I heard Jacob tell them to come, or stay, or something to that affect. I think I felt the covers being pulled back, and I know I felt Momma's cold body lie against me. And Daddy too, his arm reaching over Momma to rest on my side.

I didn't say anything to either of them, but I remember making the decision not to. I remember considering it before my thoughts looped back into a memory of Jacob and I one particularly great day in California.

Can you wake up if you weren't really asleep? I don't know; all I know was that I opened my eyes, raising into a new level of awareness, and I was alone in the bed.

And it was light outside.

* * *

**Coming up:**

Jacob pulled his lips back away from mine and his eyes were black, with lust and . . . and anger.

"Shut the _fuck_ up, Nessie," he commanded me.

I didn't have time to be anything but shocked before Jacob's lips came crashing down on mine.

I could hardly even kiss him back, so hard were the force behind them, the raw animal anger and lust and . . . hurt. His tongue forced my lips open and he pulled back to nip at them almost roughly. The hand in my hair was fisted tight, almost painful, but I didn't care. This was what I wanted, what I needed.


	58. In Which Jacob Loves Nessie Hard

**_A/N: _**Okay, y'all, I'm going into this fully expecting to get flamed. If not flamed, I have the itching feeling that this chapter isn't going to sit well with all of you, but that's okay. I am one hundred percent happy and satisfied with this chapter and it couldn't have come out of my imagination any better. Jacob was in a very bad place in this chapter - he was hurt and afraid and angry and very, very in love and he was kicked by the person he trusted most. I'm not bashing Ness, I understand her reasons, but understand Jacob's as well. Don't judge him - the poor boy's been through a lot.

I've been waiting for months to get to this chapter to see the reaction - if you don't like it, please still review and let me know why exactly. I love all kinds of constructive feedback.

I'll leave you here. :)

**_Disclaimer:_** I own nothing. I would like to note, though, that I'm in love with the lyrics for this chapter. They jumped out at me when I was first imagining this chapter and it had been decided from then. It is a beautiful song - I suggest you play it while reading the chapter.

**

* * *

**

In Which Jacob Loves Nessie Hard

**

* * *

  
**

_i've seen your flag on the marble arch  
and love is not a victory march  
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah_

_- jeff buckley, hallelujah_

_-_

My heart dropped out of my chest. I would have said I hadn't known where it had went if I couldn't have felt it aching so bad, somewhere around my kidney.

Had they left without me? Had my Jacob left without kissing me goodbye?

My stomach churned and I felt as though I might actually vomit. I flew off of the bed, but I wasn't sure why. If they were already gone, they were already gone.

Then Aunt Alice came through the door and my heart flew back into place. I wish I could say it was because I loved her and was relieved to see her, but that wasn't it. I knew that my family wouldn't dare leave without their most precious asset. They were still here.

Only then could the happiness of seeing my aunt flood through me.

"Good morning, Nessie," she chirped, cheerfully but more reserved than usual.

"Morning," I murmured back, surprised my voice was actually functional.

"I brought your clothes for today," she told me, smiling and only then did I notice the clothes in her hands. "I – I didn't see you had brought anything and I . . . didn't think you would mind."

Aunt Alice wanted to dress me one last time. Her goodbye.

Damn it. I nodded, trying to bite back the lump in my throat.

"Do you want to shower?" She asked me as she approached, kissing my cheek.

I shook my head. Who really cared about showers now?

"Is . . . is e-everyone downstairs?"

"Yes," she said immediately, and even though I was mostly sure I still felt a rush of relief. "Everyone. The wolves and all our friends too."

Our friends. Jake would snort if he heard that.

Aunt Alice waited patiently while I undressed to my underwear and then handed me a circle skirt that I quickly pulled on and zipped up. It fell down to my knees and was a dark blue. There was a small white pattern running along the bottom. Even in my haze, I balked when Alice handed me a spaghetti-strapped tanktop with a built-in bra to match.

"I've got you something to go over it," Aunt Alice explained hurriedly, motioning to a white something that I had hadn't even noticed hanging over her white arm. "Don't worry, Nessie."

I turned my back to Aunt Alice as I slid off my bra and on the tanktop. Jacob was the only person who had ever seen that part of me and I wanted to keep it that way. Even thinking his name brought up a lump of grief in my throat.

Aunt Alice handed a barely-transparent white blouse with buttons. It was short-sleeved, coming down to my elbows and tightening a little there, hanging down to my hips. I did all the buttons up even though I knew Aunt Alice would probably want me to leave a few open – there were a lot of people down there and I wasn't trying to show off.

Jacob was down there.

The shirt wasn't exactly transparent, or maybe not just with my white skin, but you could barely make out the dark tanktop underneath it and that was enough for me. Aunt Alice didn't have any shoes for me. She knew me well.

Aunt Rose came in then, with her coincidental vampire timing, to brush and put up my hair. Her goodbye. She hugged me tight against her stone breast and kissed the top of my hair and then my cheeks. I think her breath hitched, but I tried not to listen.

I let her brush my hair and pull it up, securing the top fourth with a clip in what seemed to be my perpetual style.

"Okay," she said when she was done.

Did that mean I could go down now?

Would I be able to keep it together when I saw Jacob? Did I care?

"I'm going down now," I announced to Aunt Alice and Aunt Rose, who just nodded.

I wasted a little time once I was outside the door, fiddling with my bracelet and my wedding ring and the chain around my neck for Jacob's before I realized I was wasting more of my precious time. I nearly flew down the stairs then, as though to compensate.

The house was bustling with vampires, all of which greeted me in some way or form as I walked past but I hardly noticed. Only when my hair was sent flying by Uncle Emmett did I realize I had walked straight past him. I spared him one big bear hug, inhaling his sweet scent quickly before I was back on the prowl.

"Little red riding hood's gone hunting for her wolf," he called playfully after me but I hardly heard it. I would go back and hug Uncle Em properly before they left, but now . . .

I pulled open the front door and found him. Jacob was standing on the very edge of the clearing with Uncle Jasper and Grandpa Carlisle, talking with the rest of the wolves. My Jacob's brothers, all spread out around them and standing defensively, nervous to be so close to so many vampires.

Jacob turned and saw me just as I reached the top of the stairs and he strode towards me immediately, without another word or look behind him. I forced myself to stay where I was while Jacob strode across the yard.

I threw myself into his arms the second his foot touched the top step and I think if he wasn't a werewolf I would have sent us toppling back down. But my Jacob was a werewolf, so he just caught me and moved under the cover of the veranda, holding me tight.

"I was so scared," I admitted into his neck, inhaling deep. I needed to memorize his scent. "I woke up and I was – alone and I thought, I thought you had already left. Without saying goodbye."

"I would never do that to you, baby," Jacob soothed me, his voice thick. He hugged me tighter. "I'm so sorry you were scared."

"H-how much longer?"

I didn't want to know. I didn't want to know but I needed to know.

"About an hour."

I made a small sound of pure, utter grief but I reeled it back in before it could take over. An hour. Sixty minutes.

I took two deep breaths. I wouldn't do this. Jacob was going to leave no matter what I did and I wasn't going to hurt him by making him leave me crying and screaming. I would be strong.

And after he left, I would collapse.

I moved in a way so Jacob would know to set me down and looked back at him. As I stepped back, I noticed he was in new jeans – jeans that didn't belong to him – but still in his wolf shirt. He was so beautiful.

I took his hand. "Let's get you something to eat, Jake."

Jacob let me lead him back through the house full of vampires without so much as a word and into the kitchen. I heated him some sheppard's pie that I found in the fridge and set it in front of him with a huge glass of tea.

Jacob pulled out the chair beside him.

"Get a fork and come on."

When something's about to end, you start thinking about lasts. Even trivial, irrelevant ones become wholly important. The last time I heat food for Jacob, the last time I pour him tea, the last time we eat together off of the same plate. The last time I throw my leg over his to sit closer.

Jacob and I ate until the plate was gone and I refilled it twice, eating with him even though I was no longer hungry. I just didn't want it to end. Just as we were finished the last of the food and I was taking the glass from Jacob's hand to get a swallow of tea, Benjamin walked into the kitchen.

"We are about to leave."

My stomach fell. No. It couldn't be. It – it hadn't been an hour. Not yet. It wasn't time yet.

I think Jacob sensed my oncoming panic attack because his hot arm came around my shoulder and he pressed his mouth to my ear.

"The imprints are coming," he informed me quietly, even though Benjamin of course would be able to ear. "The guys don't trust the vampires, so everyone except the family is leaving early. They'll wait for us a few miles away."

I didn't know why the imprints were coming, nor did I care. I was just relieved I still had a few more precious moments.

"Yes," Benjamin agreed, taking a few steps forward. "I wanted to say goodbye."

"Oh," I said, feeling a little out of my element. I stood and Benjamin approached me.

He wrapped his cold arms carefully around me in a hug. I think he was about to kiss my cheek, but then Jacob growled fiercely and he released me.

"My apologies," he said to Jacob. "I didn't mean anything by it. Goodbye, Renesmee."

"Goodbye, Benjamin."

I hated endings, goodbyes. I hardly even knew Benjamin and there was a golf ball-sized lump in my throat.

"I'll see you soon, Jacob."

My stomach fell again. He would see Jacob soon. Because Jacob would be leaving too.

I turned back to Jacob once Benjamin had left the kitchen.

"I'm sorry," he said, with the air of someone forcing something out. "I just don't like other . . . guys touching you."

I reached out and brushed his hair out of his face. "I don't like anyone touching me either, Jake. Don't be sorry."

It was such a trivial thing to be apologizing for, in the light of everything. I put our dishes in the sink just as Huilen came in to say goodbye. I hugged her fiercely and bit back tears. I wanted to say something, offer some reassurance, but nothing came to mind so I stayed silent.

She melted away as silently as she had come. The Denali's were next. They were vegetarians too, but I guess the wolves were already pushing it to trust our family. I hugged them all and then the house was silent.

The others hadn't come to say goodbye, and for that I was glad. I heard the sound of an engine approaching.

"The imprints are here," Jacob said, standing up. "We should probably go out."

"Why are they here though?" I asked as Jacob led me back outside just in time to see an old, battered red jeep pull up in our long driveway.

"They're – they're staying with you," Jacob said as we stood on the veranda and watched Leah get out of the drivers' seat. "Sam and Esme are staying too, for . . . protection. The imprints will stay with you since . . . the guys aren't taking any chances."

Of course. That made sense, but all I could think about was the flicker of hope at Grandma Esme staying. Why couldn't Jacob stay instead?

"Okay."

We watched, hand in hand, as Kim climbed out of the car and then Rachel. Then a small, red-haired girl I'd only seen once before, hand in hand with little Claire. Leah walked around to the back and stuck her head inside, emerging with a baby carrier. Emily emerged a minute later, another baby carrier in hand.

All of the girls immediately rushed to their wolves, who met them in the middle, with the exception of Sam who rushed to Emily as she got out of the car. Claire kind of stood in the middle, looking confused, until Quil walked up and swooped her into his arms.

There was a distinctive difference. Emily, Kim, and Rachel clung to their men tightly, pressing their faces into necks, eyes shut tight. A goodbye, a last chance. Claire and the red-haired girl held onto their imprints normally, if not a little confused, taking in the scene around them warily.

They didn't know. I wasn't sure whether that was fair or not.

Sam kissed Emily's face, taking the carrier from Leah's arms to dip his head inside to kiss the baby too. I wonder if I was the only one who noticed the hurt on Leah's face as she drew back to stand with the non-imprint guys. He whispered something into Emily's ear and she collapsed against him, crying.

But they weren't broken tears. He had told her he was staying.

For a second, I hated Emily.

Emily's husband was staying, but mine wasn't. Mine wouldn't, even if I begged. And now my time was almost up.

I hadn't even kissed my Jacob today and he was about to leave.

I made a decision. It wouldn't end like this.

I grabbed Jacob's hand and started to pull him back into the house, but he resisted.

"Nessie, what – "

"Come with me, Jacob," I urged firmly. "Please."

He relented and let me drag him up the stairs, the lump already rising in my throat. I decided I didn't care about Jacob's goodbyes. He had made enough decisions; I would make one now. I would have my Jacob again before he left.

I don't know why, of all the rooms in the house, I dragged him to the bathroom. Maybe because we didn't have time. Maybe because I didn't want a bed, nice and soft and comfortable. But still, that was where I pulled him, clicking the door shut behind us and spinning around to face him.

I reached up and wrapped my arms around his neck and used them to pull myself up to his level, my feet clear off the floor, to press my lips to his. Jacob's arms came around to hold me, a reflex reaction because as I tried to press one of my lips in between his he pulled away from me.

"Nessie – we can't – "

"We can, Jake," I muttered, a little desperately, still kissing him. "Everyone's outside – no one will – hear – please, Jake – "

"Nessie – "

"Jake – " I was whining. I was begging. It didn't matter. "I need you – one more time – _please_."

This was the only way I could even think of tolerating the impending separation now.

I almost cried with relief when Jacob turned us so he could press me against the wall, my legs closing around his waist. He started to kiss me back, but slowly, gently.

I didn't want that.

"No, Jacob," I panted against his mouth that was still kissing me carefully. "Not like this. Love me hard."

"Nessie – " He said in a voice that I knew meant he was about to disappoint me.

Something in me broke.

"Are you even going to miss me at all?" I asked, knowing the words were traitorous and utter lies even as I spoke them. "Do you even care?"

Jacob growled low in his chest and pressed me harder against the wall, a hand coming up to thread through my hair.

"Nessie . . ."

It was a warning this time.

"You don't – kiss me like you care – " I said through the kisses he was giving me.

He growled louder. I had provoked him, but that was exactly what I wanted.

"You don't even care – what happens to me." The words hurt me even as I said them, but that's what I wanted, as sick as that was. Jacob had hurt me and was going to leave me and he wouldn't even give me what I asked for. I wanted to hurt him. "You don't even care if you never see me again."

Jacob's heart pounded louder and his body stilled against me.

I forced myself to spit the last line out.

"Do you even love me at all?"

Jacob pulled his lips back away from mine and his eyes were black, with lust and . . . and anger.

"Shut the _fuck_ up, Nessie," he commanded me.

I didn't have time to be anything but shocked before Jacob's lips came crashing down on mine.

I could hardly even kiss him back, so hard were the force behind them, the raw animal anger and lust and . . . hurt. His tongue forced my lips open and he pulled back to nip at them almost roughly. The hand in my hair was fisted tight, almost painful, but I didn't care. This was what I wanted, what I needed.

I couldn't let Jacob go away without loving me as hard as I knew he could and now he was. I had never been more aroused or more in love in my life. My body rushed as Jacob's hips thrust against me hard. I was panting in seconds.

Jacob's body, pinning me to the wall, left his hands free to roam how they pleased. They pushed themselves roughly over every surface of my body. When they slid up my sides, I felt his fingers grip the front of my blouse.

He pried his lips away from mine, his chest heaving with effort as he stared down at me. His eyes were still hard.

"Get that shit off before I rip it," he commanded again and my shaking fingers fumbled to obey.

Jacob had pulled his shirt off in the few seconds it took me to undo the buttons and he pulled me forward against his chest to rip my white shirt from my arms and throw it to the floor like it had personally wronged him.

His mouth was back against mine an instant later, kissing me in the hard, rough way that was completely new and completely more perfect than anything I'd ever experienced. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't more than a little scared – had I pushed my Jacob too far?

I could feel how much my Jacob wanted me between my legs as he pulled the front of my tanktop roughly down, exposing my breasts. I gasped as he palmed one breast hard and then the other, his lips still waging battle with mine.

After a few more heated seconds, Jacob's hands came down to grip my backside and hoist me a little higher. His mouth tore away from my lips to kiss down my neck, biting and sucking hard; his teeth pulled out a moan.

"Jacob – "

"I thought I told you to shut up?" He asked, his voice dangerously low and I shivered against him. He pulled one of my nipples past his lips, his teeth scraping it and making me cry out.

I wanted to apologize, but I had heard the Alpha in Jacob's voice and knew that it wouldn't be a very good idea to keep speaking after he'd told me not to twice. His hand came between our bodies and caught a fistful of the material of my skirt that was separating us and snatched it up between my legs. The skin of my thighs pressed against his stomach as we got an infinitesimal amount closer.

His mouth came back up to mine as his hands grasped at my backside from under my skirt. He hissed into my mouth as my nipples came into contact with his chest and nipped my lip. I fisted one of my hands into the hair at the base of his neck and used it to pull myself closer, as leverage to help me grind my hips against him in the way we both needed.

I gasped loud into Jacob's mouth as he ripped my panties from my body.

It had hardly hurt at all and it only pushed my arousal further. Jacob wanted me so bad he couldn't set me down. Now my bare skin was pressed against Jacob's stomach and I knew he would know how much I wanted him even if he couldn't smell it before.

Jacob growled and pulled away from my mouth, pushing me back against the wall when my lips tried to chase him. His hands went to the button of his jeans and I knew what he wanted to do so I gripped my arms around his shoulders and balanced my weight back against the wall so I could give him enough space to unbutton his jeans and drop them.

When he pressed himself into me, his body flush against mine, our noses brushing, his hardness slid against me in a way that made me need him inside me now.

"Jacob – please – " I muttered against his mouth as I arched my back into him, without even meaning it.

I'd forgotten completely about Jacob's command not to speak until his hand came down hard on my backside.

It was not light and it was not playful and it did hurt. And I didn't care. I cried out in surprise but then bit it back. I didn't need anyone hearing us. This thought was the first time since we'd entered the bathroom that I'd remembered that there were other people in the world besides us.

"You will _never_," Jacob ordered as I felt him position himself at my entrance. And it didn't matter what followed that sentence, I knew I would obey it. "Say anything like that to me again."

Jacob didn't touch me. He didn't ask me if I needed his fingers. He didn't take his time or prepare me.

He gave me all of him in one hard thrust.

I groaned loudly at the sudden intrusion that didn't feel intrusive at all, gripping Jacob's shoulders in my arms hard. Jacob hissed at the sensation too. This was definitely different from all the times before. Because we hadn't used a condom. Because there was absolutely nothing between Jacob and I now.

I could feel every inch of his skin, hotter than hot, against me. Inside of me. I hadn't realized what I'd been missing until I had it.

Jacob breathed hard from his nose for a few moments before he pulled out, slower than I expected him to, but he thrust back into me hard. And he smacked me again, the sound reverberating loudly in the tile bathroom.

"You will _never_ doubt that I fucking love you," he ordered as he thrust back into me, hard. "You understand that? Answer me."

"Yes, Jacob," I answered immediately, breathless, as Jacob bit at my lips and then licked them.

"Every thought," Jacob said, thrusting into me again. "Every word. Every movement. Every fucking breath I take is for you."

He thrust into me with each sentence, until I could feel him almost in my throat.

"Without you, I would shoot myself in the fucking head," he said roughly against my mouth, speeding up his pace. I was panting harder than ever now. "I would have. I almost did. And then you were born, and everything got all the fuck better."

Jacob's words scared me, but lust clouded my brain.

"You want to see how much I fucking love you?" He asked and it took me a second to nod, my senses too overloaded. "Then you better hold the fuck on."

I wrapped my arms tighter around Jacob's shoulders as he brought both of his hands to my hips and captured my lips with his, pressing our upper halves hard against the wall. Then he started thrusting into me in earnest: hard, rough, forcefully, harder than he ever had. Pounding into me.

He used his hands to increase the force of his thrusts, pulling my hips away and back against the wall and then snatching them back against his.

"Feel that?" Jacob asked after a particularly hard thrust that brushed my second favorite place. I whined a little and nodded against him. He thrust into me again. "You feel how much I love you?"

I could only nod.

"Answer me."

"Yes, J-Jacob," I stuttered, finding my voice. "Yes, I feel it."

"Has anyone ever loved you as much as me?" He demanded of me, still loving me hard. Just like I wanted.

"No, Jacob," I panted, leaning in to lick a trail of sweat from his face. Just the taste made me shiver. "No one."

"Has anyone else ever made you feel the way I'm making you feel now?"

"No," I answered without thought.

"Ever even come close?"

"No."

One of Jacob's hands came up to fist into my hair as he kissed me, only using one hand to guide his thrusts now but it was enough. He broke away from my lips to nip along my jaw and back to my ear, which he bit too.

I was nearly crying with desire.

No. I _was_ crying with desire.

"Who do you belong to?" Jacob demanded in my ear and his words alone almost sent me over the edge.

Yes. Jacob. I belonged to Jacob. I was his.

"You," I breathed as I worked my hips frantically against his.

"And who belongs to you?"

Jacob belonged to me. Jacob was mine.

"You."

It felt glorious to say it.

"Say it."

"W-what?" I asked as his mouth sought out mine again.

"Say that you belong to me."

"I belong to you, Jacob," I whispered immediately against his mouth. He gave me another thrust that I felt in my throat. "You and only you. I'm yours forever. Take me, Jacob."

Jacob did, pounding into me even harder than before, growling lowly the entire time.

"Who am I?" Jacob asked a second later. "What am I to you?"

I knew Jacob's questions were as much to remind me as they were to remind him. That they were things he needed to hear as much as they were things he wanted me to.

"You're my husband," I said into his mouth. "My Alpha. My Jacob."

"Your who?"

"My Jacob."

"And does your Jacob love you?"

"Yes," I gasped, as the tears started to come down now in earnest. It was a low thing to do, to taunt Jacob how I had. I knew how he was and I kicked him where I knew it would hurt the most on purpose. "Yes, he does."

"Say it."

"My Jacob loves me," I obeyed as his lips came up to brush the tears away. As they cleared I saw his eyes were red. "And I love him. I love you so much, my Jacob. I'm so – so sorry."

Jacob's head fell forward into my neck and he thrust into me, if it was possible, even harder. I felt his hot hand release my hip and a second later the thumb of it was pressing hard against my favorite place.

I cried out and clutched Jacob to me harder.

"Now, Nessie," Jacob ordered, leaving me with no doubt as to what he could have meant. I felt my body racing to obey him. "Now."

He pressed his thumb into me harder and bit down on my neck and I came crashing over, gasping Jacob's name and working my hips frantically against his hand. Jacob's hand went back to my hip and he grasped it as he started working himself towards his own release. I had done this with Jacob enough times to know it when I felt it.

Jacob kissed me desperately as he tensed above me and then slammed me back hard against the wall one more time. Then everything stilled, Jacob's hips the only movement in the room as he thrust into me, short but deep. And then I felt something I'd never felt before.

Warm, wet . . . heat filling me. Jacob's release.

It actually pushed me over again and Jacob groaned out loud as I clenched around him for the second time and kissed him back just as desperately.

"Nessie – Ness – "

Jacob stayed inside me after he had softened, pressing our foreheads together and breathing hard. He avoided my eyes as we panted against each other, waiting for our racing pulses to slow down.

Finally, he slid out, still keeping himself pressed against me, still holding me against the wall. The hand that had been in my hair reached down and pulled at the front of my tanktop, pulling it up and out so my breasts fell back inside.

Then he lowered me slowly to the ground. I stood on unsteady legs. I was a little sore, but that was exactly what I had wanted.

I looked at Jacob, who was still standing naked, with his jeans around his feet. I dropped to my knees before him and took his jeans in my hands, sliding them back up his legs. I was surprised he let me but not about to question it. I pulled them up over his hips and made sure he was carefully tucked back inside before I fastened his jeans, zipping them up.

Then I pressed a kiss to that line along his hipbone.

"I'm so sorry, Jacob," I whispered into the skin there.

Jacob's arms came down to pull me off of my knees and he stepped back to sit down on the closed toilet, pulling me with him.

"No – Nessie, I'm so – I can't believe I – "

"It was what I wanted," I explained hurriedly, before he dare started blaming himself for what I had done. "I'm so sorry for saying those things to you, but I just wanted . . ."

I trailed off and after a few seconds, Jacob nodded.

"Are you hurt?"

I shook my head vehemently.

"Turn around."

I obeyed him, a little confused, and turned so my back was to him. I felt his hand slide up my skirt, pulling the material of it with it until his hand rubbed over my backside. I looked over my shoulder to see a frown on Jacob's face and the place where he'd smacked me a bright pink.

"It's fine, Jacob," I said, turning back around from him, making my skirt fall back into place. "I'm okay, don't – don't."

Jacob pulled me between his parted legs and into his arms. I clung as he pressed a gentle kiss to my neck.

Gentle. It was like I had forgotten what that felt like.

Jacob pulled away after a few seconds and kissed me softly, much more softly than usual, as though to make up for before. What Jacob didn't understand was that I was the one who needed to make up for it.

"We have to go back down now, honey," Jacob whispered, and my heart stuttered.

How had I forgotten? How had I completely forgotten when it was all I could think about? When it was the whole reason for this entire episode? Jacob was leaving now. Now-now.

I took a deep, steadying breath and stepped back from Jacob on surprisingly steady legs. I leant down and grabbed both our shirts as Jacob stood up and handed his to him. There was silence for a few short seconds as we got back into our clothes.

My brain was spinning the entire time. I had something I needed to say – a terrible, horrible, traitorous, necessary something that needed to be said before we got back into hearing range of everyone else.

"Jacob?" I asked as he put his hand on the door and he looked back at me. "You have to promise me something."

Jacob's eyes were unreadable for a moment before he nodded. I pressed myself back up against him, not wanting to spend one of my last moments not touching him. I took his left hand with mine.

"Promise me you'll do everything you can to . . . come back."

I bit back the choking that wanted to escape out into my voice.

"Of course I will."

Now for the traitorous part.

"Even if . . . ." How could I even say this? "Even if you . . . have to leave something. Or someone. You have to swear to me you'll get back if you can."

Jacob's brow furrowed together before it smoothed out, and the love I saw in his eyes literally knocked the breath out of me.

He nodded.

"Stay close to Alice," I advised him, wrapping my arms around his neck. I wish I could say it was because I loved my aunt, but that would be a lie. "And Daddy and Momma."

Because my mother is a shield, my father can read minds and my aunt can see the future. So you'll always be safe. I hope.

He nodded again.

"Come back to me, Jacob."

"I swear I'll do everything I can."

But he couldn't promise to come back.

Jacob's grip on my hand tightened. "Listen to Esme."

I nodded and then Jacob pulled open the door. This was it.

We walked down the stairs in slow motion, out to where all the imprints and wolves were still wrapped around one another. Quil was off to the side, talking to Claire, who seemed to be getting nervous.

I hadn't even realized I hadn't seen my parents yet today until I saw them standing together a little ways off. Uncle Jasper and Uncle Emmett were standing not far behind them on either side of several iron boxes. I looked at Jacob, whose eyes had darkened as he saw the boxes.

"The tracker," was all he said.

Then I remembered what Jacob had told me the night we returned home, just before I fainted. They got the tracker, but they didn't kill him. He's upstairs.

They had torn him apart. And judging by the fact that there were only three boxes, burned some of the pieces. I took a minute to process this and moved on. It wasn't important now.

Momma was in front of me a second after she laid eyes on me, with Daddy right behind her. She grabbed me in a tight, freezing vampire embrace and I fought back tears. Would my Momma come home? Or would this be my last hug? My last kiss?

Daddy and I reached for each other at the same time, the instant Momma let me go. There were no words, no long dialogues, just hugs and I love you's. It all kind of blurred – I hugged and kissed Aunt Rose and Aunt Alice and Uncle Emmett and Uncle Jasper.

Grandpa Carlisle pulled me close into his chest, whispering just fast enough that I could barely make the words out. I caught "for thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory" before he kissed my hair and released me.

I could feel everything speeding up, a sense of readiness, everyone preparing themselves. The departure was impending. I could hardly breathe.

Daddy and Momma kissed and hugged me one more time, and I wish I could have said something but there was nothing to say. Momma pulled away, her breath hitching, and I saw Grandma Esme wrapped in Grandpa Carlisle's arms a few feet away.

I needed my Jacob.

I think Momma knew too, because she nodded somewhere behind me before she turned into Dad's chest. Daddy's eyes stayed on mine.

"I love you, Renesmee," he said clearly.

"I love you too, Daddy," I said, forcing the tears back.

"Now go."

I didn't need to be told twice. I spun on my heel and saw Jake a few feet away with his arms around Rachel. Everyone here was in somebody else's arms – except for the non-imprint guys, standing a few dozen yards away from everything. I wonder if they were relieved they didn't have to go through such a painful goodbye scene.

"Be safe," I heard her whisper to him. "Don't do anything stupid. Watch Paul, please and – and come _home_."

Her voice broke on the last word and Paul rushed up and took her from Jacob's arms and pulled her away to whisper to her. As if he was as physically conscious of me as I was of him, he turned to me as soon as his arms were free. I rushed to him.

"Jacob."

"Nessie."

What else was there to say?

I leaned into his chest and he held me there, for I don't know how long. All I know was the next time he said my name, I knew it was for real this time. I didn't want to answer.

I felt Jacob's fingers on my neck and was confused until saw him pull back with the chain he had given me in his hands. I watched, fighting to keep myself under control, as he slid his wedding ring off of his finger and onto the chain.

He attached it back to my neck just as silently.

"Keep that safe for me," he said, tilting my face up to his. I could feel his ring, heavy, against my chest. Over my heart. "I want it back."

Then Jacob pulled me up his body and gave me the rawest, most passion-filled kiss I'd ever received. I pressed my palm to his cheek and funneled everything right back to him – all the love and the fear and the love and the love. Straight back, everything he was giving me.

When he pulled away from my lips, my heart broke. We couldn't put it off anymore.

"I love you," Jacob said, his voice choked. I wonder if he had the same lump in his throat that I had in mine. "And if – if I don't – "

"No!" I exclaimed, pressing my fingers to his lips but he shook them off. I didn't want to hear it. "Jacob, don't."

"But if I don't . . . come back – "

"But you will!"

"If I don't," he stipulated, his eyes serious, holding mine. But his voice wavered. "I want you to know that. That I love you. And you can – I won't blame you if you – "

Whatever stupid, ridiculous, unneeded permission Jacob was about to give me for _whatever_, I didn't want it. I didn't need it. I pressed my lips to his hard, to silence them and then pulled away.

"I'm keeping your ring for you," I told him, just as seriously. "And I love you too. And that's it, Jacob. No more."

He stared at me for a long second before he put me down.

"I love you, my Jacob," I told him again as I felt a cold hand on my arm. I looked to see Grandma Esme.

"I love you too, my Nessie," Jacob whispered as Grandma Esme started to pull me back. I noticed, vaguely, in the very recesses of my mind, that everyone was already waiting on the edge of the clearing.

I held onto Jacob's hand until my arm would reach no further. When I lost my last connection, the tears were harder to force back than ever but I did. I did the whole time Grandma Esme led me backwards up the stairs and back to the house, my eyes on Jacob the whole time.

He didn't take his eyes off of mine. I watched him, tall and impossibly strong and even more impossibly beautiful, until the front door closed in my face. And then Jacob was gone.

I just stood, in the center of the entrée. Dumbstruck. That was it.

Grandma Esme reached for me, but I brushed her off and rushed past her and up the stairs to the bathroom where Jacob and I had just been. The door had been left open so the room had mostly aired out, but I shut the door and locked it tight to assure as much of his scent would stay there as possible.

I wasn't crying. I wasn't shaking. I wasn't thinking.

I leaned back against the wall Jacob had pressed me against, loved me against, and tried to close my eyes and pretend he was still there but it didn't work. I felt numb.

After a few seconds or minutes or hours, I felt something warm begin to run down my thighs. When I realized what it was, that was when the tears started.

* * *

**Coming up:**

"Women's intuition," she told me, looking like she was only half-kidding. "Sam just quit wearing his after he broke the third one."

"I hate it when Jacob has to take his off," I told her, not even sure why I was. "I never do mine. I hate that he can't . . . have it with him."

"I never take mine off either," Emily said, supporting the baby with one arm briefly so she could flash me her simple wedding band. "But trust me, it hurts worse when he brings it back in pieces. And the look on his face hurts even worse than that."

I could imagine that, the look on Jacob's face if he had to come and tell me that he had accidentally broken his ring. I could, but I didn't.


	59. In Which There is Emily

**_A/N: _**Okay, y'all, bear with me here - I'm sick and I'm sleepy. I'm basically going to copy and past _Undeniable_'s A/N since I did it first, then modify it to fit _Hands on Me_. :)

Voting has started for **_The Sparkle Awards_**! _Hands on Me_ was nominated once again, for The Paris Award (Best Jacob/Anyone Tale) this time, so please, please got forth and vote! Also, my friend and fellow author, the lovely **Charlotte Webber** has been nominated for Best Author, along with her fic (which I'm sure most of you know)_ Life Sucks and Then You Life Forever_, for Most Original Plot. Needless to say, she deserves it - you only have to read a few chapters of her awesome story to see that - so vote for her too! You can vote once a day and it's a really great way to show appreciation for your favorite fics - let's bring J/N to popularity, girls!

Here's the link:** _thesparkleawards(dot)webs(dot)com_**

**_Disclaimer:_** I don't own any of it, but please do goodly this song by Damien Rice. It's beautiful and beyond lovely - I don't think _Hands on Me_ would be half of what it is without all the lovely lyrics that add so much to it.

**_Dedication:_** Originally, Sam and Emily's twins were named Dylan and Katlyn - Dylan just a random boy's name and Katlyn after one of my best friends. For no particular reason, but just because it's funny to see my friend's faces when I tell them I wrote them it. But I've made the last minute decision to change the name of Emily's little girl's name. I changed it to Katie, after my new friend, because she's such a magnificent embodiment of life - and what better way to represent life than through a child?

So, Katie, this is for you. :)

* * *

In Which There is Emily

* * *

_there's still a little bit of your taste in my mouth  
there's still a little bit of you laced with my doubt_

_- damien rice, cannonball_

_-_

They were gone for eight days. The eight longest days of my life. Of all our lives.

I cried all day. The tears were hard and fast and choking at first, loud sobs that sounded about as empty as I felt. After maybe a few hours, though I really had no way of telling time in the windowless bathroom, they changed. They became more normal, breathing got easier. Then after that they changed again, silent tears that slid down my face without permission or effort.

Finally, the tears wouldn't come anymore. I felt horrible. What was wrong with me? My husband was gone, he might not come back. He could be dead or dying. And though this twisted in my stomach like a knife, stole the breath from my throat and replaced it with fire, I couldn't cry anymore.

Jacob's scent was gone completely from the bathroom but a little still lingered on my clothes. I think I needed to rejoin the world – or the tiny one outside this room at least, but I couldn't do it smelling like sex and Jacob and I don't know how many hours worth of grief. I guess that meant I needed a shower.

Grandma had come to the door a few times, trying to urge me out, but I ignored her altogether the first two times and the third time shoo'd her away. I managed, through silent tears, to tell her I'd come down when I was ready.

She left a plate of something that smelled like pasta outside the door and what she said was a change of clothes. That probably meant I'd been up here awhile. Or that she could smell Jacob on me. I really didn't care which.

So I stood on shaky legs for the first time in what felt like days, and slid the bathroom door open as quietly as possible. I bypassed the plate of ravioli and grabbed the set of pajamas. They were mine, from before . . . everything. It all seemed like lifetimes ago. When Jake was just my best friend, when he climbed through my bedroom window every night to say good night, before everything started to get weird and a little while after it had.

A different Nessie wore these pajamas. Jake's best friend Nessie, not Jacob's wife Nessie.

I pushed the thought from my head since I didn't really want to think about anything and threw them onto the sink, shutting the door and then locking it. I stripped slowly since I was really in no rush, setting my clothes onto the closed toilet where Jacob had last sat.

I removed my white shirt and my tanktop, unzipped my skirt and let it fall to my feet. Of course, I didn't have any underwear. I couldn't remember what Jacob had done with them, but of course I'd been pretty occupied. I looked around and saw no sign of them in the room.

Did that mean Jacob still had them?

I was pondering this thought as I turned back towards the mirror. I stopped.

All down my neck, across my chest and down my breasts were covered with small purple bruises. Marks. I'd of course had my fair share of those over the past week and a half but never this many at the same time. Jacob's ring sat between my breasts, hanging from its chain. I ran my fingers across one of the marks lightly and tried to remember what Jacob's mouth had felt like on me when he'd made it.

The memory didn't match up to the reality and that made my stomach hurt even worse, so I stepped away from the mirror.

It was hard to force myself to cut the shower on and even harder to force myself to step inside. I didn't want to wash Jacob off of me. I wanted to keep his sweat on my skin, his . . . release on my thighs. But I knew I couldn't, so I shut my eyes tight and let the water beat over me. The heat reminded me of Jacob. Everything did.

I didn't wash my hair, or my body really, but I guess the water did the trick on its own. I just stood there under the spray for awhile. Maybe it was a long time, maybe it wasn't. I really was no judge. After awhile I got tired of it so I cut it off and wrung out my hair.

I shook my body off, realizing I was still sore and getting a little satisfaction from that, before I stepped out. I toweled myself dry and slipped on the clean panties and bra Grandma had set out for me. I pulled on the loose blue and black flannel pajama pants and the loose black t-shirt. The neckline was a little high, so it hid most of my marks but not all of them. I decided I really couldn't care less.

My hair was a mess. The shower had helped the situation of my eyes but they were still a little pink. Maybe it would pass off as an effect from the heat of the shower, but it didn't really matter if it didn't. I'm sure they all heard me.

I gathered my clothes in one hand, took a deep breath and steadied myself before I slowly pulled the bathroom door open. It wasn't as big a thing as I had been expecting to leave the bathroom – my legs felt a little weak, all of me did, and I was a little tired, but nothing emotionally wrenching.

I went immediately to Dad's old room, which was thankfully empty. Though I don't really see why it wouldn't be. Who would be there?

I left my clothes on the dresser and grabbed the hairbrush Aunt Rose had brushed my hair with this morning. I brushed my hair slowly, only because I didn't have the energy to do it quickly and then picked a tie up off the dresser and used it to pull my hair back into a ponytail.

Jake liked it better down, but Jake wasn't here.

I played with my ring and my bracelet, tried to imagine Jacob sitting somewhere downstairs on our wedding day, bored. Impatient. His beautiful fingers twisting and turning the tiny pieces of leather to make my wedding gift.

I looked out the window and it was dark outside, but lightening. Or just beginning to darken. Had I cried the entire day and night or just the former? My stomach growled, even though I didn't really recognize that I was hungry. I should probably eat. And it would be rude to waste the food Grandma had made for me.

Jacob hated wasting food.

I walked back out into the hall and picked it off the floor. I brought it back into the room and sat down in the center of the floor, bypassing the furniture for no good reason at all, and started to eat. It was cold, but I wasn't really tasting anything anyway. I forced myself to finish it all and then I was out of things to do.

I guess I needed to take my plate downstairs.

I really didn't feel like seeing anybody, but I stood up anyway and slowly started making my way down the stairs. I breathed out a huge internal sigh of relief when I saw Kim and Rachel asleep on one long couch and Claire and Seth's imprint curled together on the other one. Kim had a tiny bundle tucked into her arm.

I knew, of course, that Grandma wouldn't be asleep, but I figured I could deal with her. She was family after all.

I almost jumped out of my skin when I saw Emily sitting on a chair in the silent kitchen, another small bundle in her arms. Her blouse and bra were pushed aside, her entire breast exposed. I watched her shift the baby with one arm, the other holding onto her breast and I watched as the baby latched onto her nipple and began sucking contentedly.

I was shocked for a total of about three seconds before my brain helped me out.

Breastfeeding. Of course.

I don't know how long I stood there, staring dumbly, before Emily looked up and saw me.

"Nessie!" She said, sounding a little surprised but not at all embarrassed. "Come . . . come sit. If you want, of course."

She blushed then, a little, and I think it was because she realized she had just invited me to sit in my own house but that didn't really matter. I accepted her invitation, crossing the kitchen silently to sit a couple chairs down from her.

"Have you met Dylan?" Emily asked me, confusing me for a few seconds before I noticed she was tilting the tiny bundle towards me for inspection.

"N-no," I said, my voice sounding very strange. It had been used, of course, these past hours. But for crying, not for forming words - it was like it had forgotten how. "Is that his name?"

Emily nodded, tilting her head in a way that made her hair fall over the scarred side of her face. A conscious action repeated so often it became an unconscious one. "Katie's sleeping with Kim. She's been fussy today."

"Dylan and Katie," I said, tasting the names in my mouth and wondering, for the briefest of seconds, what I would name mine and Jacob's child if I could ever have one for him. "That's nice."

"I thought so. Sam liked Katlyn, but he chose Dylan so I put my foot down. Not that it was very hard," Emily admitted, looking down at her breast where her baby was still suckling. She let out a small laugh. Of course it wasn't hard - she was Sam's imprint, he'd give her whatever. "Does it bother you?"

I realized then that I was kind of staring at her breast.

"No!" I exclaimed hurriedly, feeling stupid. I wanted to avert my eyes but couldn't bring myself to look her in the face so I stared at the air over her shoulder. "No, not at all! I'm so sorry - "

I was such an idiot, so rude. My only excuse was that my brain was still addled from all the crying, but that wasn't even it. I just couldn't help but watch Emily feed her baby, so natural, so at peace, and wonder if I would ever get to do that. I wonder if I would ever be able to cradle Jacob's baby in my arms, set him to my breast while Jacob sat beside us, his arm around me.

It was so stupid, because up until a minute and a half ago breastfeeding was the last thing on my mind. Was, in fact, not on my mind at all, once again being something I'd only studied.

But it just seemed . . . so amazing. Now it was hammered into my head, this fantasy of feeding Jacob's baby from my breast, letting him take nourishment from my body. I wanted it. I wanted it so bad. Even if I was capable of having children, was my body capable of that?

"It's okay, Nessie," she absolved me, smiling kindly albeit a little awkwardly. She shifted Dylan in her arms. "You just seemed . . . maybe like it bothered you. I wouldn't mind. Some people just don't - "

"I've just never seen it before," I blurted out, admitting my naivety without really meaning or wanting to. "I mean, no one around here ever . . . I was just, curious, I guess."

"That's normal," Emily said kindly, and I wished then that I has spent more time with her before now. I might know a lot more about how humans did things if I had. And she was so nice. "I just didn't want to make you uncomfortable."

"No, no," I said quickly. "Don't worry about it."

"Congratulations on your wedding," Emily said then, what I thought was abruptly until I saw her nodding towards where I was spinning my wedding band on my finger. "I was so surprised when Sam - but happy too. I know how much Jacob loves you."

"It was pretty fast," I said, to push back the burning that erupted in my stomach at Jacob's name. "But I couldn't wait - not after I found out . . . about the, you know."

"Yeah, I know," Emily said, and then everything was silent for awhile, the sounds of Dylan's suckling the only in the room.

I tried to keep my eyes off of Emily, but they snuck furtive glances every once and awhile, always finding the place where the baby's tiny hand gripped lightly onto Emily's breast.

I wonder, how would that feel? Of course, I'd only ever been touched there by one person and it was a distinctly different kind of touch but I think they'd both be equally amazing. Completely different, but equally amazing.

"Do you want a baby, Nessie?"

Emily's soft voice called me out of my trance, my eyes snapped up to hers. From Jacob's ring around my neck and not her breast, thankfully.

I took a second to process the question.

"Yes," I admitted which was the only truthful answer that question. "Very much. But . . . we don't know . . . if I can."

It felt wrong to admit this, shameful. Even more so than when I'd discussed it with Jacob, the person I was most comfortable with in the world. I felt like a failure. I was a half-vampire, nearly immortal, with the speed of two humans, strength nearing that and the ability to pass people any images I wanted through my palms.

But it was unsure if I could do the simplest, most natural act: have a child.

"Oh," Emily said softly, and I knew it was because she didn't know what to say. Then, "Sam and I had a hard time. I was so happy when I found out I was pregnant with the twins - I can't even explain it to you."

She looked down at Dylan in a way that made my heart ache for what I maybe-couldn't-have even more. I wanted to smile at someone like that.

"I hope you get to feel that, Nessie."

"I hope so too."

"How long have you been trying, if you don't mind me asking?"

This question made me blush. I thought of all the times I had 'tried' with Jacob. Then I blushed even harder as I realized that I'd been married less than two weeks and Emily didn't even know until at least two days after that. So that must mean she thought Jake and I . . . ?

"We haven't," I said, immediately, and then realized how that sounded. "Well, I mean, we have, but we haven't . . . tried. We used protection. Jacob wanted to wait."

"Wait?" Emily inquired, doing a very kind thing and ignoring my embarrassing rambling. The slight tugging on her lips told me it hadn't escaped her notice.

"Until . . . this was all over."

"Ah," Emily said and then nothing more. She pulled the baby from her breast and quickly covered herself, propping him up on her shoulder. "You know, Katie and Dylan are the reason Jacob chose Sam to stay."

No, I didn't know that. Jacob hadn't told me.

I was struck by a surge of love for my husband, surely the kindest man I'd ever met. To let Sam stay behind for his children, so they . . . wouldn't lose him. But what about me? Didn't it matter if I lost mine? My husband, my father, my uncles, my grandfather, my mother, my aunts? Didn't any of it matter?

I was suddenly very tired.

"N-no," I managed to get out. "I didn't know."

"I'll never be able to thank him enough for that," Emily admitted, raising her head up to meet my eyes. She let her hair fall from the scarred side of her face so both of her eyes could focus on me fully and the gratitude I saw there momentarily stole my breath. "You have the most amazing husband, Nessie."

"I know I do," was the only thing I could think of to say.

"That's a really good idea," Emily said after a few more seconds of silence in what I think was an attempt to break the tension, but I was confused as to what she meant. She gestured her head towards me. "Jacob's ring, right?"

I looked down to see Jacob's ring hanging from the tip of my forefinger, where I was twisting it absently in my hands. I hadn't even realized.

"Yeah," I admitted. "How did you know?"

Emily smiled that very human smile that I liked. I hadn't been around that many female humans.

"Women's intuition," she told me, looking like she was only half-kidding. "Sam just quit wearing his after he broke the third one."

"I hate it when Jacob has to take his off," I told her, not even sure why I was. "I never do mine. I hate that he can't . . . have it with him."

"I never take mine off either," Emily said, supporting the baby with one arm briefly so she could flash me her simple wedding band. "But trust me, it hurts worse when he brings it back in pieces. And the look on his face hurts even worse than that."

I could imagine that, the look on Jacob's face if he had to come and tell me that he had accidentally broken his ring. I could, but I didn't.

"But anyway," Emily pressed on. "I wish we had thought of something like that."

"Jacob did," I informed her, still threading my fingers through Jacob's ring. "The chain was his mother's."

I remembered the look on Jacob's face when he gave it to me and then when he told me who it used to belong to and had to bite back tears for more than one reason.

Emily smiled again, a smile that made her look almost my age. Or the age I appeared to be anyway. "How romantic."

I bit my lip and think I blushed a little. It was strange, to hear Jacob referred to like that. Romantic. I had never thought about it much. Jacob was Jacob, and that's what he was. He was perfect and I loved him. He definitely wasn't romantic in the conventional sense - or what you saw on TV, at least.

A thousand images and memories rushed through my brain. Jacob telling me the only place he ever wanted to be was where I was, Jacob on his knees outside the car as he asked me to marry him, his face pressed into my stomach afterwards. How Jacob made the bed in our hotel rooms even though he thought it was stupid and how he looked when he touched me.

A bouquet of sunflowers, a leather woven bracelet, and a silver chain. His mother's chain.

Yes, Jacob was very romantic.

For the first time since my back hit the bathroom wall that morning, I felt the urge to smile.

* * *

**Coming up:**

"Jacob absorbed them into his pack," I vaguely registered Sam's voice saying. "I can't. I can't hear a damn thing."

"Why didn't he absorb you?"

"On purpose," Sam muttered and something clicked inside me.

"He doesn't want us to see," I murmured as the realization struck. The horrible realization. "He doesn't want us to know what happens."

"He just - he doesn't want to cause any of you . . . unneeded pain," Sam explained, which sounded to my ears like bullshit. "He doesn't want you agonizing over it."

No. He didn't want us to see them die through Sam's eyes.


	60. In Which Nessie Sneezes

**_A/N:_** Okay, y'all, here's this. Not much to say about it, because it's all right there. There is something I did forget to say last time, although I can't believe I did - _The Sweetest Girl_ won Most Unique Storyline in the **Sort of Beautiful Challenge**!

Yay - how crazy is that? I want to thank all of you who rock so hard and voted for me, even though I didn't win the popular vote - to know someone cared enough to vote at all makes my day. And Most Unique Storyline? Come on, that's kind of kick ass. I'm so excited!

Oh, oh, oh, and - did any of y'all guess what was happening to Nessie before it did? Do you know how hard it is to describe the urge to sneeze? I do! Oh, and if you'd like to mention in your review what you think it all means, that's be great too. :)

**_Disclaimer:_** I don't own any of it - although if you'd care to look up the video to the song for these particular lyrics, you will sob like a baby. Which has nothing to do with me owning or not owning anything, but there that is. :) I'm sleepy, if you couldn't tell.

* * *

In Which Nessie Sneezes

* * *

_i miss my friend  
the one my heart and soul confided in  
the one i felt the safest with  
the one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again_

_- darryl worley_

-

It was, to say the very least . . . hard. Extremely hard. For all of us.

We wandered around the house, which we didn't leave at all, and tried to talk with each other like nothing was wrong, but it was superficial, shallow conversation and we all knew it.

We were all waiting. Just waiting.

For them to come back, or not. Everybody tried not to think about not.

I met Seth's imprint, whose name was Natalie and who seemed nice enough. She had only gotten really rough, vague, basic descriptions from Seth and was confused as to why she had to lie to her parents and tell them she was at her friend's house when she wasn't. And a little about why she had to be here at all.

She was really shy, though, and didn't ask many questions even though it was obvious that she wanted to. It was all still kind of up in the air about what to tell her - Seth obviously hadn't confided in her about everything and it was his decision, but we all felt she deserved to know.

I mean, what in the hell were we supposed to tell her if he didn't come back?

Then when you got to that, on the other hand, maybe explaining to her that her boyfriend had run off with his werewolf pack to fight a war with an army of vampires wasn't the best idea either.

So we were stuck, and didn't tell her much of anything. Until now.

"Nessie," Natalie said, surprising me even though her voice was low and she was sitting right beside me. She normally didn't speak unless spoken to.

I looked up from Katie, who I had been cradling in my arms while she slept. I was surprised that holding a baby wasn't as difficult as it seemed, although I was still a nervous wreck the first time Emily placed the tiny beating heart in my arms. I waited for her to finish addressing me, since it seemed like that wasn't the end of what she wanted to say, but she didn't.

"Yes?" I prodded.

She was older than me, of course, even older than how I appeared to be. It was strange how I felt so much older than her, and so incredibly young at the same time.

"I want to know where Seth is," she said, in a phrasing that let on that she had intended it to be firm but it still came out as a request. "I _need_ to know where Seth is."

I let out a deep breath. I wasn't going to lie to her. But was I strong enough to tell her the truth?

"Do you like fairy-tales, Natalie?" I found myself saying, unsure why. In my arms, Katie gave a sleepy snore and shifted.

Natalie, very within her rights, looked confused.

"Yes," she said reluctantly, like she was waiting for a catch. "I mean, I - I guess I do. I r-really don't . . . think about them much."

"Which were your favorites?"

"I . . . liked Beauty and the Beast a lot," she said, and I almost smiled at the irony. "And Snow White."

"Did you ever . . . wish they could be real?"

I could already tell this was a horrible set up for what I wanted to tell her, but it was too late to change it now. I wasn't about to tell her about princesses and magic stones, I was about to tell her about vampires and werewolves.

She just stared.

"I - I don't know if you noticed, Natalie," I tried again. "But me and my family, we're . . .different."

"I noticed," Natalie said, something flashing through her eyes before she brushed it off. "Seth and his friends are too. But they're . . . different from how you're different."

She was more perceptive than I'd given her credit for.

"Yes," I stalled, shifting Katie in my arms and wishing Emily or Sam or Kim or even Grandma Esme was here to help me out. Wishing Jacob was here. "Why . . . do you think that is?"

"I don't know," she answered, and I watched as she shifted around, curled her legs up under her and picked at a hangnail. "i've . . . thought about it a lot. Seth's . . . really hot, all the time. His skin, I mean. He told me he had a . . . condition, that it wasn't serious but it just made him run a little hot. But I searched it and couldn't find anything that made you run _that _hot and wasn't serious."

I just made a mmm-noise, since it didn't seem like she was done. I was going to let her work this out on her own if she could.

Natalie looked up abruptly and met my eyes.

"But Sam's skin is like that too. And . . . Embry's." She cocked her head and narrowed her eyes a little like she was trying to see past my exterior, deeper, and it made me a little nervous. "Is Jacob's, Nessie?"

She was asking the question like she already knew the answer. Even after three days, three long days, it still hurt to hear his name.

"It is."

"Your skin is warm too," she informed me, and I was surprised because I couldn't remember touching her. Natalie had been investigating. "But not hot like theirs. And Esme's skin is freezing. I'm anemic - I'm always cold, but not like that."

I just nodded.

"Seth gets phone calls and disappears for hours and says he can't tell me where he's going," she continued and I could tell these were things she needed to say. Out loud, to understand them. Things are always much clearer out loud than they were in your head. "Or sometimes he says its work and I know he's lying. I know he is but I believe him because I want to because he's the most perfect guy ever and I don't want to find out there's something wrong with him."

My heart panged for her.

"And now he's put me here and he won't tell me why or for how long, just that it's so important that I stay here and listen to Sam and Esme and . . . and the night before . . . "

"Before?"

"The night before he . . left, he . . . he cried." I was taken aback. I'd been so caught up in my own goodbyes, it hadn't occurred to me that somewhere in La Push, five other couples were saying theirs. "I've never seen him cry before and - and he just held me so tight, like something was about to . . . happen. People don't act like that before they go away on vacation or business trips, Nessie."

"You're right," I managed to say. "They don't."

"So where are they going?"

She sounded much more firm this time.

"Do you know the Quiliute legends?" I blurted.

"A little," she said, looking like she was half-interested and half-annoyed that I kept running around her question. "Seth told me a few. I know most of the Makah ones and they intertwine a lot."

I took a deep breath. I was about to do something very important. Something, in all honesty, that I had no right to do.

"What would you say if I told you they were real?"

For a second, everything was completely silent. Then Katie awoke with an ear-shrieking cry.

"Are you joking?" Natalie asked me over the noise, raising her voice to the highest I'd ever heard it. I hurriedly tried to quiet Katie and keep my eyes on Natalie at the same time.

"Do you think I'm joking?" I asked, not rudely. Honestly. Because I knew, even if Natalie didn't yet, that she had found her answer.

I didn't even notice Natalie had sat up until she fell back in her seat.

"I don't think you are."

Emily came rushing into the room to relieve me of Katie and she checked herself at Natalie's face.

"What's going on?" she said, in her normal voice, since Katie immediately quieted at her touch. "Natalie?"

"So they're what, spirit warriors or something?" She asked, half-smiling like she was waiting for the laughing to start. For the 'no, no, of course not's followed by the real explanation. "Or big giant wolves?"

Emily and I both fell silent as she hit the nail on the head.

"That - that last one," I managed to get out. Emily shot me a look. Maybe I could've been more sensitive, but what was done was done.

"So you mean to tell me," Natalie continued almost immediately. "That Seth is a . . . werewolf or something?"

"Um . . . yes," I said eloquently.

"Seth and his . . . pack are shape-shifters," Emily cut in and I immediately made the decision to hand her the reins. She'd had this conversation before, even if she'd been on the receiving end. I hadn't - I'd just grown up with it. "And the shape they take is that of a wolf."

"So . . . so you're not joking?" Natalie asked weakly, like it had been her last hope.

"I'm afraid not," Emily said, passing Katie back to me wordlessly and settling herself between Natalie and myself on the sofa. She took her hand. "My husband is a shapeshifter too. And so is Nessie's husband, Jacob."

"And - and Embry and - "

"And Paul," Emily informed her gently, but I wasn't sure how that was helping. I thought it was a little too much information overload, telling her she was surrounded my werewolves before she sprung the vampire part on her. But maybe that could wait for later. "Jared, Quil, Collin, and Brady too. And Leah."

Natalie's eyes widened at the last name. Her gaze shot down to she and Emily's joined hands.

"But you - you're not, your skin's - "

"No, I'm just a regular old boring human," Emily tried to joke, but it fell flat.

"I - I wouldn't believe you if . . . well, if I didn't believe you."

I exhaled. The worst was over. I think.

"I know it's a little overwhelming," Emily rushed on. "Okay. A lot overwhelming, but there's honestly nothing to be afraid of. You know Seth, remember - don't let this taint your idea of him."

Her eyes changed at Seth's name.

"So where is he?"

I think this is where I came in. The cold ones.

I leaned forward. "Did you say you knew _all_ the legends?"

Just as Natalie opened her mouth to reply there was a loud thud against the metal walls that were let down to shield the house that made us both jump. There was a scrambling, scratching sound and then the sound of a portion of it being raised before Sam came flying through the door.

He and Grandma Esme, who was right behind him, had been doing patrols around the house. He ran straight to Emily and grabbed her up in a hug but his eyes went straight to me from over her shoulder. They held a deep, quiet, intense sort of urgency that startled me.

"Jacob says he loves you."

The breath knocked out of me at the name.

"W-what?" I managed weakly.

"Jacob . . . says he loves you," he repeated and I _didn't _understand. Jacob wasn't here, Jacob -

"You can hear him, can't you?" I demanded, nearly leaping to my feet so quickly he released Emily. "You can see - "

"No," Sam corrected me, sending my stomach plummeting. "We're not in the same pack - I can only hear what he lets me. And the only reason he let me hear anything at all, is well . . . because it's starting."

I sat back down.

The war. It was starting. Jacob was . . . fighting now. Fighting for his life. Fighting for my life.

"What about the rest of the pack?" I heard Emily's voice ask softly. "Can't you see everything through their eyes?"

"Jacob absorbed them into his pack," I vaguely registered Sam's voice saying. "I can't. I can't hear a damn thing."

"Why didn't he absorb you?"

"On purpose," Sam muttered and something clicked inside me.

"He doesn't want us to see," I murmured as the realization struck. The horrible realization. "He doesn't want us to know what happens."

"He just - he doesn't want to cause any of you . . . unneeded pain," Sam explained, which sounded to my ears like bullshit. "He doesn't want you agonizing over it."

No. He didn't want us to see them die through Sam's eyes.

My mind was full of horrible, violent images. Images of wolves snarling viciously as they clashing with red-eyed, stone-cold vampires. Vampires with abundances of gifts and centuries of experience. Images of my parents and my Jacob with their backs cornered as more leeches swarmed in.

I was almost taken aback by the word I had used in my mind. Leeches. But I couldn't feel anything but hate for those subpar, subhuman _things _that were trying to take my Jacob. My family wasn't like that, our friends weren't like that - but damn it all if the rest of them weren't a bunch of goddamn leeches.

Somewhere, Jacob was fighting right now. Somewhere Jacob was killing or - I stopped my thought.

And as much as I hated the Volturi, I think I hated myself infinitely more. Grandma Esme sunk down onto the couch beside me and wrapped a freezing arm around me as I let out a shaky breath. Somewhere along the line someone had relieved me of Katie.

My entire family - nearly every person on this earth that I cared about was at war for me. Me. At the center of all of it - it was my fault. I knew, somewhere in the very back of my mind that I couldn't rationally blame myself for the Volturi being sick and wanting me, but I didn't want to be rational. I wanted Jacob.

My head started to spin. Grandma Esme was whispering words I didn't hear.

Russet fur dripping with blood and pitched whines and hunks of gleaming white flesh turned and turned themselves over and over in my mind. The sounds of bones snapping and iron being rent apart and angry, broken howls filled my ears.

Would Jacob keep his promise? Would he really do everything he could to come back to me, even if it meant he had to . . . to make the ultimate betrayal? And how would I live with myself then?

I tried to rationalize to myself all the ways Jacob would be okay, but it was hard.

He had Momma, who was a shield against mental attack and Daddy who could read minds. Kate could shock them. Benjamin could make it lightening, I guess, set the Volturi on fire. I hope he did. I hope they just burned the whole lot of them.

And I hoped they all came home.

I think I heard Natalie asking frightened questions and Claire come down the stairs and be sent right back up. Everyone else including Claire eventually found their way down and I had to hear the information we had over and over and over as Sam recounted it, but it was barely going through my brain.

It was slowly getting hard to breathe. I managed all right through my mouth, but through my nose was almost impossible. My head was filled with a strange tension, along with the spinning and there was an itching at the back of my throat. It was an itching with no desire behind it, no thirst, just irritation.

Rachel came to sit beside me and took my hand. I think she was crying. Poor Rachel - her mate and her brother were gone. I put my arm around her.

"They're - they're gonna be all right, Nessie," she whispered into my hair, but it sounded like she was trying to convince herself. "Our wolves are strong - right, girls?"

Her voice raised at the tail-end of her sentence and everyone answered back in the affirmative but they were weak, quiet replies. No one would doubt that our wolves were strong - but how useful was strong, really, against an army of stone?

Rachel had said wolves, and I was pretty sure Claire hadn't been let in on that part of the pack's life. So I was surprised when her tiny voice said, in a tone that was clear she didn't quite understand all of what was going on but at the same time enough, "Well, Quil is like the strongest guy I know. And he's with them, so . . . "

Everyone except me gave shaky, water laughs. I couldn't. My head was stuck.

It was strange how Claire just . . . knew. The wolf must be such an inherent part of them that she subconsciously recognized it after all of her years with Quil. She may not know that her big brother/best friend turned into a giant wolf, but when a wolf was mentioned, she thought instantly of him.

And my thoughts of wolves flipped my mind straight back to mine, my wolf who was fighting right now. I would be kidding myself to think it had ever left.

I tried to change my thoughts, to keep them on Jacob since not thinking of him wasn't an option, but to remember something nice. I tried to remember how his hands felt on my body, his lips, his tongue. That hurt too, but not as much as thinking about him being battered around by vampires.

I closed my eyes and tried to remember every detail of my and Jacob's last few minutes together. His words, the way he marked his claim on me and mine on him, his mouth on me. Kissing, biting.

Biting.

Unbidden, an image of razor sharp incisors sinking into russet fur burst into the front of my mind. Something Jacob told me a long time ago followed it quickly and stole the breath from my throat.

"Sam," I said, my voice coming out loud and strange and weak. I didn't care about Natalie and Claire being in the room - I didn't care about anything except the answer to this question. "Wolves can't be turned. What happens if they're infected with venom?"

Sam's eyes snapped from the tiny baby in his arms to mine. He looked like he was about to say something he didn't want to admit.

"Venom is fatal to us," he said finally, sending a dagger through my heart.

I gasped for air, all of it seeming to have rushed out of my lungs. I could feel something building inside me, a tension behind my nose and eyes that wouldn't relent. I felt cold and warm hands on me and worried inquiries but it was all background noise.

I tilted my head up towards the light without knowing why, an instinctive action, and continued my gasping. The itching-tension worsened and I felt my face screw up against it.

Then I opened my mouth, breathed in deep and did something I had never done before: I sneezed.

* * *

**Coming up:**

"Well, I brought you some . . . alternative nourishment. I figured it might help."

It was then that I got a whiff of what was in the cup. Blood.

Of course. Of course, that was what I needed. I'd been consuming blood on a much more regular basis and then I hadn't had any the past few days. That could have caused my immune system to drop. That was the explanation.

I would drink this and get to feeling better. Finally.

My heartbeat slowed an infitisimal amount. I held my hand out for the cup eagerly. "Thank you, Grandma."

I was on my third swallow when my stomach turned.


	61. In Which it is Most Definitely the Fifth

_**A/N:** _All righty, y'all, couple things to say: first, I assume this is a chapter you've been waiting for. My review record for one chapter In Which Jacob Loves Nessie Hard at like 80 or something - I wonder if y'all will break it with this chapter? Hmm . . . anyway, here it is.

Oh, and don't forget to keep voting for _Hands on Me_ at **The Sparkle Awards**! Which you can find the link to right here: **_thesparkleawards(dot)webs(dot)com_**

And, I'm not sure if most of you have noticed or not, I have** a new fic** up! It'll be a short, multi-chaptered fic. Six chapters, to be exact, detailing different kisses through Jake and Nessie's life. A lot of people have been asking and no, it's not in the HoM/U universe; it's completely new, particular to that story. It's called _A Tale Told in Kisses_, and you can find it in my profile if you're interested!

And . . . _Hands on Me _has exceeded 2000 reviews! Wow! I mean, wow! How long ago was it that I hit 1000? It doesn't seem like so long ago? And I'm getting a thousand hits a day - two thousand on update days! I just wanted to say, really, you guys are the best readers ever. I don't know what I'd do without you.

**_Disclaimer: _**I own nothing. Nope. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Zero. Shae (there's some Libyan, for ya).

* * *

In Which it is Most Definitely the Fifth

* * *

_even if your hands are shaking  
and your faith is broken  
even as the eyes are closing  
do it with a heart wide open_

_- john mayer, say_

_-_

The fact that I seemed to have developed . . . a cold for the first time in my life was a source of much irritation to me. I had, with the exception of my period, never been ill before. It was disconcerting and I couldn't say I liked it.

After my first sneeze, which was followed up quickly by a second and then a third and left me gasping, I looked to see Grandma Esme staring at me with a mixture of shock and worry on her face.

Of course, she had every right to be shocked. I was a little too, as well. So much that it drove Jacob out of my mind for the shortest of seconds. But then he was back and the fact that I just sneezed for the first time seemed so trivial and miniscule compared with what Jacob was going through now.

I was sent to bed, which I didn't argue with since I didn't really have the energy. I was brought hot tea which I was forced to drink even though I'd said I'd much rather have iced and some particularly delicious chicken soup made by Rachel.

Emily said she thought I had the flu the next morning when I awoke to find my entire body aching. My mind was so scattered. Being sick for the first time was enough; the disconcerting sensations of sinus pressure and coughing without a will behind it and having to blow my nose every three seconds. Also something I realized I had never done before until the necessity presented itself.

And ontop of all of that, I had never really felt pain before. Not this kind, at least. I'd felt emotional pain, tons of it back when I thought Jacob could imprint at any time and when I was separated from my family. And physical pain too, when my period started to come but that was only in my stomach; and well, the first time Jacob and I - but that was different.

But this just hurt everywhere. My arms, my back, my legs - _everywhere_. It was like I had been beaten with a bat - or something. I really had nothing to compare it to. It just _hurt_.

My nose was running, which was disgusting. Sneezing, which I had quickly become accustomed to in the past twelve hours, had left my eyes watery and red. I felt horrible physically and emotionally and I know I looked horrible.

I could tell Grandma Esme was more worried than she was letting on but I wasn't really in a position to care. Okay, I had the flu, I was miserable - but my Jacob and the rest of my family was fighting a war. My flu was the least of our problems.

"Knock, knock," Emily said, popping promptly around the door with what appeared to be _more_ hot tea. I was about sick of hot tea - it only made me have to pee and, as I realized when I woke up this morning, getting up was not something I enjoyed. "Brought you some tea - and a grilled cheese sandwich."

A lump caught in my throat and my eyes watered when I remembered the last meal Jacob cooked for me. I think I passed it off pretty well as normal sick miserable-ness.

"Thanks," I said, my voice coming out rough.

"No problem," she said, stepping inside the room fully to reveal a plate of sandwiches in her other hand and kicking the door shut behind her.

I struggled to sit up as she came to sit on the side of my bed, all my muscles screaming in protest. This was worse than the morning after mine and Jacob's first time together - at least I felt like that pain was for a reason, that I had at least gotten something mind-blowing out of it. This was just useless, unneeded, unbeneficial pain and discomfort.

She sat the plate down on the bedside table and the tea with it, instead of placing it in my hands like Grandma Esme did. I sent her a grateful smile.

"Tea is overrated," Emily confided in me, whispering and covering the side of her mouth with one hand like a conspirator. "It starts to get old after awhile."

"For real," I said emphatically, collapsing back against the pillows.

"Are you feeling better?" She asked as she handed me my sandwich and I took a feeble bite.

"Mm-mm," I said in the negative around a mouthful of sandwich that I thought bitterly wasn't half as good as Jacob's. But I'm sure that was just my prejudices. "I hurt everywhere and I'm so _tired_ for no reason."

"That's the flu for you," she said, sitting up to hand me my tea when I reached for it and pushing her hair back out of her face. She'd been doing that more lately. "I can't believe you've never been sick before."

"I can't say I wish I'd suffered this more often," I told her, taking just enough tea to wash the food down and setting it back. "But a little practice in preparation for this would have been nice."

Emily laughed as I took another bite so I wouldn't hurt her feelings. I really wasn't hungry.

"I don't get sick much, but when I do," Emily said, shaking her head in disbelief. "It's bad. The last time I got the flu was right after I got pregnant with the twins. They say it's really common, because your immune system is so vulnerable - but it was the worst flu I'd ever gotten. I went to the doctor and that's when I found out I was pregnant."

She brushed some crumbs off the bed that I had spilt and laughed a little.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were pregnant, Nessie."

That moved a small something inside me; that want for something I might never have. Emily chuckled again softly.

"What with you getting sick for the first time all of a sudden like that, but of course you said you were using protection."

Yes, Jacob and I had been using protection. Not that I had any say in that. If it was up to me, we wouldn't have used it at all. Just like the last time - it had been so much better, with nothing at all in between us.

With a jolt I had never felt before, something large moved inside of me. Something opening up, making space until there was more room inside of me than there had ever been before. Room for confusion, doubt, and - and love.

And maybe a little fear, because Jacob and I hadn't used protection the last time.

My heart was very suddenly in my throat. I couldn't be . . . could I?

I had to ask Emily.

"What if . . . what if we didn't," I heard my voice say, almost silently. "One time?"

Emily stopped laughing, her smile froze on her face. She didn't look upset - just shocked.

"Well, that depends," she said slowly, and I hardly heard her over my hammering heart. "Did you miss a pill?"

A pill? It took my frantically working brain a second to realize she meant a birth control pill.

"N-no," I managed. "I wasn't taking any. We used . . . condoms."

I felt my face heat slightly as Emily's brow furrowed.

"Condoms?" She said as she appeared to take another second to think. "That's not possible."

"What do you mean?" I asked immediately.

"Their body heat combined . . . with the friction would _melt_ the condom within the first few minutes," she said, a little pink-cheeked and I took a few seconds to absorb her words. "That's what happened with Sam and I."

But that wasn't possible. Jacob and I had used condoms very, very many times and they certainly had not melted. Of that I was sure.

"You have to use birth control," Emily continued. "Pills, I mean."

I smelled a Jacob-trick up my sleeve. But none of that really mattered right now.

"I don't know, Emily," I said, the nerves in my stomach growing stronger by the second. "We used them dozens of times and they worked fine, but - but I wasn't on birth control. I'm not. I mean, normal medications, they - they don't work for me."

Emily just stayed silent, like she was still thinking. I pressed on.

"But we used a condom _every time_," I said, stressing the words. "Every time except the last one."

"Well," Emily said slowly, avoiding my eyes. "It only takes one time. When - when was that?"

I felt myself flush with heat, but forced it down. This was _important_.

"Right before they left," I mumbled, forcing myself not to look down. I was grown, I was married; I had no reason to be ashamed.

"The night before?" Emily inquired and I felt my blush get darker.

I shook my head no. "The morning of."

Emily just nodded.

"Have you missed a period?" She asked but before I could even think about the question, Grandma Esme peeped around the door.

My heart jolted like I had been caught doing something wrong, which was ridiculous.

"How are you feeling?" Grandma Esme asked, shutting the door softly behind her. She lifted a small white cup in her hand.

"I hurt all over," I managed to get out, which was the truth even though I was hardly thinking about that now.

"Well, I brought you some . . . alternative nourishment. I figured it might help."

It was then that I got a whiff of what was in the cup. Blood.

Of course. Of course, that was what I needed. I'd been consuming blood on a much more regular basis and then I hadn't had any the past few days. That could have caused my immune system to drop. That was the explanation.

I would drink this and get to feeling better. Finally.

My heartbeat slowed an infitisimal amount. I held my hand out for the cup eagerly. "Thank you, Grandma."

I was on my third swallow when my stomach turned.

It was a strange sensation, one I'd never encountered before. My stomach rolled like everything inside it was racing around and the muscles in my throat tightened. I was confused for the first few moments and tried to continue but once I had only a mouthful left in my plastic cup, I realized the urge behind the sensation.

I breathed in and the scent of the blood only turned my stomach further. I gagged, the blood trying to come right back up and out of my mouth. I suddenly wanted it as far away from me as possible. It was all I could do not to fling the cup across the room - I set it roughly down on the bedside table.

My stomach was still rolling around in my gut as I tried to fight my body for control. I'd had this urge before but in very different circumstances - only when I was in extreme pain from my period. Not like this - not in loose, stomach-turning waves.

"Nessie," Grandma Esme's voice said worriedly. "What's wrong, don't you want - "

Whatever came after that, I didn't catch because Grandma Esme passed the cup under my nose just as I attempted to inhale a fresh breath of air. My stomach lurched again.

Before I knew it, I leapt from the bed and flung the door open. I rushed to the nearest bathroom and, without even shutting the door behind me, vomited the contents of my stomach into the open toilet.

It was like my stomach was bottomless. I felt Grandma's freezing hands on my neck, pulling my hair away from my face and a warmer set on my back. Emily. The muscles in my stomach tightened and rolled and another wave came up.

I regurgitated every morsel of food that had inhabitated my stomach, gagged until my body would bring up no more. Finally I collapsed, boneless, against the side of the toilet. The lingering taste of blood in my mouth was bothering me more than the vomit. I was relieved when Emily passed me a glass of water.

I gratefully rinsed my mouth, setting the cup roughly on the ground so hard water sloshed from the sides. Now that the nausea was gone, the aches and weakness were back at center stage. A little nap here against the toilet suddenly didn't seem like such a bad idea.

"Nessie," Grandma Esme's voice said worriedly, and I felt her kneel beside me as her cold fingers stroked my neck. It was soothing. "What happened? I thought the blood helps you feel better when you have your period?"

Somehow these words managed to penetrate my exhausted, ill, groggy state to jolt my stomach. I remembered the conversation Emily and I had been having before the whole blood/vomiting fiasco.

But . . . my period?

"Grandma," I croaked, my throat scratching unpleasantly. "I don't have my period. What's today?"

"It's the fifth," she informed me. "You always had your period on the fifth before."

She was right. I did. With the exception of the first time, my period came in the early morning on the fifth of every month. Without fail.

And if Grandma was right about the date, which she was, being vampire and never forgetting anything . . . then that meant I was late. Which I had _never_ been before. Of course, I'd never been sick before. . . but it all just didn't seem to fit.

Or maybe it fit too much.

"Maybe your illness is affecting it," Grandma theorized as I pushed myself up to lean my back against the side of the tub.

I rolled my head back to stretch the muscles out and tried to think.

That was a completely feasible option. It was utterly and completely possible that my complete abstinence from blood after feeding so often for the past week caused my immune system to drop which in turn caused me to become ill for the first time which in turn threw off my cycle.

We didn't know how my body worked, not even close, so this was a very feasible option. It was completely possible that was what had happened. It made sense.

I had no reason to even suspect any different. But when Grandma Esme asked, "Is this _normal_?" to Emily and I felt my head snap up to shoot her a look that could only be described as pleading, I knew that I did.

"Well," Emily said, slowly, carefully, her eyes still on me. I didn't know why it was so paramount that she not tell Grandma this, except this was something I needed to figure out on my own before anyone else knew. "The last time _I_ got the flu, I missed my period."

Grandma Esme nodded, looking the smallest bit relieved but I felt like Emily's words had been all for me. She had already told me about the last time she had gotten the flu.

"See, Grandma?" I forced myself to say. "This is probably just some normal stuff that I'm starting to experience now for some reason. I'm so tired - can I just get back to bed?"

Grandma Esme helped me get weakly to my feet and I shuffled slowly to the bedroom, my body completely out of sync with my thoughts, which were spinning a mile a minute. She melted away to go find something that would go easy on what appeared to be my now-sensitive stomach and I collapsed tiredly against the pillows as Emily sat down beside me.

I had a lot of shit to figure out.

And I needed _Jacob_.

"Why did you want me to lie?"

"You didn't lie," I managed weakly. Even though I knew I would be needing her help, I had realized I didn't want to talk about this with anyone except Jacob.

"You know what I mean," she persisted, and then I felt her warm hand cover mine. "Are you, Nessie?"

Was I? Was I . . . pregnant?

Could I even be? Was it possible that now, at this very moment, a living being, a miniscule piece of Jacob and myself was growing and living inside of me? It seemed impossible.

How could I do that? I knew that it happened, how it worked - but it was all just so inconcievable.

Could I, Nessie . . . Black, have a baby inside of me? Could I concieve and carry and give birth to a life? A life? Create one from nothing, with just my body and help from Jacob's?

I knew I wasn't insignificant. The opposite, in fact. I was rare - a freak of nature; I was the reason my family and friends were off fighting a war right now.

But the very idea that I could create and give life to something just seemed so far beyond my reach. So . . . impossible, such a . . . miracle.

I tried to remember if I had felt something - if at that moment when Jacob gasped my name and my heart was ripping in two at the impending separation, if I'd felt something coming together. Being made. If, when he buried his face in my neck and his breath shook and he held me tighter than he ever had, I had felt something taking root.

But I couldn't. All I could remember was Jacob's hands, his lips, his tongue, his body and the feeling of my heart breaking.

In those last, frantic minutes together, when Jacob held me up against the wall in the bathroom I just vomited in and loved me hard - harder than he ever had, with nothing in between us, had we created something?

Someone? Had we created someone?

"Nessie?" Emily's voice asked again, calling me out of my thoughts. Snatching me out, more like it. "Are you?"

I took another minute to contemplate. To really _think._ I still couldn't believe any of it was even possible. I felt like a was standing at another ledge, a very different one but one that could hold just as much pleasure as the other, albeit a very different kind.

But I was absolutely terrified of falling off of either side.

"Honestly, I have absolutely no clue," I told Emily truthfully, and for some reason my hand found its way down to my stomach. I pressed down there, like Jacob had done weeks ago in our hotel room and imagined what _could_ be inside. "But I think I am."

* * *

**Coming up:**

She ran her fingers over the wooden table and looked up at me and Rachel.

"I don't feel anything," she said, looking scared. "I mean, I do, but I don't. I don't feel anything when Quil's gone."

And I realized she was right.

Almost as one, Rachel and I tried to subtly reach forward, touch the wood of the table. I could discern it was smooth, that it was cold - that it was wood. But I couldn't _feel _it. Rachel gasped as her fingers brushed the cool wood and then she reached forward and grasped my hand in hers and I knew she felt it too. Or rather, hadn't.

Everything was dulled, reactions slowed. Everything seemed two-demensional or warped, like in a house of mirrors or a dream. Yes, more like a dream - the really strange ones that felt so real and made utter and complete sense in your head but as soon as you woke, the details leaked out like trying to keep water in cupped hands. Details blurred, not understanding things that made perfect sense in the dream. Forgetting things you knew you should know.

It was like that, without them.


	62. In Which Nothing is Felt

**_A/N:_** All right, girlies! Here I am, with a pretty big chapter, if I do say so myself. I'm really happy with it, so I hope you are too. I want to take a second to thank you all for the overwhelming support. You girls (and maybe boys - I only know of one, for sure!) are amazing. Now, I'd like to thank the lovely** YourOasis** for lending my attention to the lovely lyrics you'll find in this chapter. I was at a loss and she came through in a pinch.

I also wanted to ask/remind you to please keep voting for _Hands on Me_ and your other favorite J/N fics at **The Sparkle Awards**. Quite a few are nominated and you'll find the link below, like always.

Oh, I'd also like to remind you that if you leave an anonymous review, or have your private messaging feature disabled, I _cannot reply_ to you! And I love replying!

Here ya go:**_ thesparkleawards(dot)webs(dot)com_**

**_Disclaimer:_** Not mine, of course. None of it is. I've never kissed anyone, never gotten married, never gotten pregnant, and never owned a franchise. Y'all should know by now nothing about the way I write is mine! lol.

* * *

In Which Nothing is Felt

* * *

_we have come so far  
we have shed our skin  
the more that's taken from us now  
the more we have to give_

_- idina menzel, gorgeous_

_-_

Everything was quiet for what seemed like a very long time before Emily said, "Well, we'll just have to get you a test and then you'll know for sure."

I immediately shook my head no, shooting down that idea.

"Chances are, it won't work for me," I reminded her. Since nothing else ever did. "And if you haven't forgotten, we're on lockdown."

Emily's fingers tightened around mine.

"Are you okay, Nessie?" she asked, and I kind of looked at her without seeing her. My brain was still trying to wrap itself around the concept of what could be happening right now. "This - this is what you wanted, right?"

Yes, of course. I wanted to get pregnant - I _wanted_ to have a baby with Jacob. But like I tended to do, I never really thought about it - I never imagined how it would actually feel to have the knowledge that a child was growing inside of me and I was responsible for it.

And I still didn't know if I _was_.

"Y-yes," I managed. "Of course, I just . . . I need Jacob, Emily."

His name came out with a rushing, gasping breath and the tears spilled over. How could I do this without him? It wasn't right. He should have been with me right now - the first to know, to hear my suspicions.

In the next second, Emily was on the bed and I was cradled in her arms. It felt so good - so _human_, the closest thing I had felt to Jacob's embrace since he left, that the dam broke inside me. The tears rushed forth, harder than before, but thankfully mostly silent.

"It's okay, Nessie," Emily soothed, stroking my hair. "Jacob will be back soon. They'll all be back soon, and then - then if you are, you can tell him. He'll be so happy, Nessie. Don't cry_."_

But it wasn't fair. It was all already so messed up. Emily already knew and Jacob was gone and he _might not_ come back and I was so, so scared.

Scared of what it would mean if I was, and what it would mean if I wasn't.

If I was . . . well, wow. I - I couldn't explain it. It would be scary - terrifying. But when I thought about . . . not being, of it all being one huge confusing mistake, I felt startlingly empty.

I _wanted _to be pregnant. But I wanted Jacob with me now so, so much more than before. I missed him a thousand times worse. I needed him a hundred times more.

If I was pregnant, if that was even somehow amazingly possible, then that meant . . . I was going to be a mother. A momma. And Jacob would be a daddy.

I wanted to cry harder, but I forced it back. If - if I was, then I would have to be strong. Stronger than I was, stronger than I had been. Everyone had always protected me, sheltered me at all costs. Now I had something to protect.

Maybe.

I _had _to know.

I pushed myself gently from Emily's arms and swiped at my eyes.

"How else can I find out?"

"There's really no other way, Nessie," Emily said softly, dashing my hopes. "Except to wait."

My heart sank. How could I wait? How could I wait one more second? Even a part of a second?

"You can't say anything to anyone," I told her seriously, still wiping at my eyes. Emily immediately shook her head vehemently. "Not even Sam. Not until I tell Jacob."

I realized I was talking as if I already was.

"Of course not, Nessie," she assured me. "It's not my . . . news to tell."

"Okay," I said usefully, sniffed. Something I still wasn't used to. "Okay."

Emily rubbed her thumb across my palm but it did the opposite of comfort me. It just reminded me of my husband.

"Okay," she whispered back.

Something occured to me. All of the fussing and carrying on Jacob and my family had done over me - it now made complete sense.

"Emily," I said, raising my head up to meet her gaze. "Is there . . . anything I should be doing?"

"I - I don't think so, Nessie," she told me carefully. "I know you're . . . special, that your body is. But it's still very early."

"So I can still eat and - and do everything like normal?"

Why hadn't I ever _learned_ about any of this?

"I think so," Emily said, sounding a little unsure. "I think you should trust . . . your instincts."

My intincts. Like the instincts that made my body reject the blood.

Because mine and Jacob's . . . baby would be mostly-human, with no need for blood. Maybe. This was all so confusing.

I wished for Jacob harder than ever. And my family too; Daddy and Grandpa Carlisle would surely know what to do. They always did.

But now I was on my own, for the first time in my life. I was on lockdown, physically protected with a vampire and werewolf as my guard and no harm could come to me, but now I was completely on my own. Responsible for myself; and for the first time ever, something else.

I felt important.

And afraid.

"Okay," I said again, just as usefully as before. "Well, right now my instincts are telling me to collapse back on these pillows for a few days."

Emily gave a smile laugh that pulled out my own watery giggle.

"The flu will do that to you," she said, returning to her seat but keeping my hand in hers. "I think it is best if you just take it easy until you get to feeling better."

I just nodded and relaxed back onto the pillows. I tried to think, to sort things out, but it was like my brain was stuck on a loop. Was I or wasn't I?

Was I or wasn't I?

That was the question. The one that could only be answered by waiting.

Despite my flu, I started getting up and shuffling to the bathroom twice as much as I needed to, checking my underwear for any sign of blood. But I found it was with a nervous hesitance, that my eyes would avoid looking down for a few seconds, afraid I would find proof that there wasn't anything inside me. That I was empty and it all had been in my imagination.

But there never was.

And every second of every minute was consumed by thoughts of Jacob. Sam stayed phased ninety percent of the time, just in case Jacob tried to contact him, but he never did. Days passed and we didn't know whether they were still fighting or if they had ever really started, if they were together or apart.

If they were alive or dead.

Except I knew that part. I think.

I told myself that . . . I would know, if something happened to Jacob. If he . . . died. I would know so that had to mean that he was okay. But I was never sure.

There was always that horrible, stifling, choking doubt that stayed at the front of my mind. Strongest or not, best fighter or not, the Alpha on the front line was taking some serious risks.

Three days later, after my flu had abated to the point I could get around comfortably, I noticed in the shower that my hair had started to come back. From where I had shaved on my wedding day, for Jacob. My Jacob, who might not ever come back to see it or care.

I picked up the razor and shaved again, my own small gesture of persevering hope.

The girls grew more and more anxious with each passing day, each passing hour. Everyone grew more secluded, drawing into separate rooms or corners, twiddling at wedding bands or peeking at pictures kept in purses and holding back tears.

The sixth day after they left, Claire threw a tantrum. It ended with her cradled tight in Emily's arms, crying for Quil, and all the girls turned their backs to wipe their watering eyes. It went without saying that we all envied Claire; that her age allowed her to show and express her feelings in ways that we were forbidden.

We, the women, had to be strong.

For the first time in my life I wished I was a child. Something, mere months ago, I was fighting to leave behind.

I twisted my wedding band on my finger and walked up the stairs to bed, brushing my hand over Claire's hair as I went.

And so it went. I filled my days up with nothing; I helped cook, but only when Emily was in the kitchen as she helpfully ran interference for me, subtly making sure no one passed me raw meat. I couldn't even handle the faint scent of blood that lingered on that anymore.

And slowly, surely, without any scrap of proof except the feeling in my proverbial gut, I came to accept that I was pregnant.

I started to think about things like how I would tell Jacob, when he came back (I did not think if), but that inevitably led off into imagining our reunion in . . . vivid detail. I thought about things like names and boy or girl and someone calling me 'Momma'.

And every single time I went to the bathroom, I closed my eyes and prayed for an absence of blood.

It worked. Every time.

It was agony, being separated from my Jacob. My other half. I slept restlessly, ate hardly, talked barely. The rest of the girls followed after me, their attitudes and optimism wavering the longer the absence stretched. The edges the missing piece had left fraying and breaking and chipping until you didn't even recognize it anymore.

When would our men come home?

Grandma Esme tried to be helpful, but she was missing her mate too. Just like us. Sam and Emily did their best, but with each passing day it grew harder to look at them without resentment in our eyes. I forced it back because I knew it was irrational, but it didn't change how I felt and how I felt was Emily had her husband and I didn't. I didn't have mine.

I wanted mine. I wanted mine so bad.

It was like losing a sense, going blind or deaf or - or more like your sense of touch. Claire said, in a moment of clairvoyance, that she couldn't feel anything. We'd thought she meant emotionally, that numb state we'd all been hoping to sink into, but she shook her pretty dark head, sheets of raven hair swaying.

She ran her fingers over the wooden table and looked up at me and Rachel.

"I don't feel anything," she said, looking scared. "I mean, I do, but I don't. I don't feel anything when Quil's gone."

And I realized she was right.

Almost as one, Rachel and I tried to subtly reach forward, touch the wood of the table. I could discern it was smooth, that it was cold - that it was wood. But I couldn't _feel _it. Rachel gasped as her fingers brushed the cool wood and then she reached forward and grasped my hand in hers and I knew she felt it too. Or rather, hadn't.

Everything was dulled, reactions slowed. Everything seemed two-demensional or warped, like in a house of mirrors or a dream. Yes, more like a dream - the really strange ones that felt so real and made utter and complete sense in your head but as soon as you woke, the details leaked out like trying to keep water in cupped hands. Details blurred, not understanding things that made perfect sense in the dream. Forgetting things you knew you should know.

It was like that, without them.

The only thing, the only thing that kept me half-alive was my possible pregnancy. I waited until it was Grandma Esme's turn for patrols, thankfully usually in the middle of the night when the other girls were asleep, and I crept downstairs to the desktop to scour the internet for pregnancy information. I knew it probably didn't apply to me, that my body was unique and strange and a freak of nature, but it felt like a duty - a duty to the child that may or may not be inside me that I had to fulfill. I had to prepare.

I soaked in information like a sponge, determined to dedicate everything to memory whether it was useful to me or not. When I found contradictions among opinions, I became nervous - how could they not be sure?

I nearly broke into sobs when I read that it was highly unlikely for a woman to get pregnant so soon before her period. We didn't know when I ovulated, but we assumed it was like a normal human woman - and if normal human women couldn't -

No. No. I wasn't normal. My existence was testament to that - I, who knew what I was capable of?

It had to be. It had to.

Finding out that I never had been would have been the same as losing it to me at this point - how could I lose Jacob's baby? My baby? No. I was. I knew I was.

I shut the computer off at the switch and curled up on the couch, my arms wrapped protectively around myself. I knew it was useless - I was, at the most, a week pregnant. Even considering that my baby might develop rapidly like I had, it was still soon. Early. I had felt nothing - no movement, no nudge of life.

I didn't care. It was mine and I wanted it and I had to be - I _had _to be.

Emily came down with one of the babies after seconds or minutes or hours and sat with me. She stroked my hair until I spoke on my own, told her what I'd read, my fears. Then she told me that it was possible - rare, but possible. I'd never felt such a filling up with hope as I did in those moments. The only thing to feel besides the emptiness.

Emily sat with me for awhile, but eventually she grew tired and retired back to bed with her husband. I hated her again, for a few more hours, until the morning light started to filter through the one window Grandma Esme and Sam agreed to let us leave unplated. Grandma Esme came in then, the iron door-cover sliding seamlessly up to allow her to step inside. She didn't look like she'd spent the entire night running at lightening speed.

I stood up to head back up to Daddy's old room. I felt bad for being so distant with Grandma Esme lately, but I couldn't tell her the truth and I couldn't lie to her.

"Nessie," she said softly when I was almost at the stairs. I turned to see her watching me with her soft eyes. "I miss them too - all of them."

"I know," I whispered, feeling horrible, and bolted before I could cry again.

And today - today was strange. The strangest day yet. There was like this . . . itching that I couldn't scratch, like something was buzzing under my skin. A vibrating, almost, a . . . yes, a vibrating. When I was moving it was less noticeable, but as soon as I sat still, I would feel it.

I thought I was going insane, or that - I realized with a jolt - something was wrong with me. That something was wrong with - with - but then I realized, no. No, it wasn't just me. Everyone was jittery.

Claire was whining and Kim was becoming quickly aggravated with a fussy Dylan and Rachel was stirring a mixing bowl of muffin mix like her arm had a turbo setting. Natalie was thinking hard, something she'd been doing a lot lately, but this time it had a very frustrated air to it. Like she couldn't get her thoughts to do what she wanted.

What was wrong with us? Were we going stir-crazy, too much estrogen locked up in the same house? I stepped into the kitchen to see if there was anything I could do to help, but Rachel informed me shortly that she didn't need any as she continued to punish the muffin batter.

I reached up to catch the chain around my neck and turned to go back upstairs - alone was good. Even if that was when the bad thoughts crept up - I could always keep them at bay for five or so minutes worth of Jacob-fantasy before they took a turn for the worse.

I'd thought to myself, occasionally, if the gasping tears that always followed were worth it. I'd concluded that they were.

I tore my hair out of its tie and threw myself back on the bed, lifting my shirt up and sliding my hand just under the waistband of my pajama pants. I knew there was nothing to touch, to hold, but I did it anyway. It was amazing that something alive could be thriving just under my fingertips.

I closed my eyes and imagined how I would tell Jacob when he returned, how his face would light up when I whispered my suspicions in his ear. The joy I would see there, how he would hold me a little tighter, kiss me then. I imagined how his lips would feel on my skin. It seemed like years since I had felt them on my body - the marks they had left were long gone and now all I was left with was the memory.

Jacob would undress me slowly, and then take me, gently. I'd already asked Emily, blushing, and she assured me it was safe. Which was good, because I wasn't sure if I could go _months_. You see, in my imagination, Jacob was already here.

Jacob would make the _mmm_-noise into my neck as he slid into me, with no condom. There was no need for one now, no danger, no risk of pregnancy because I already was. I would never use them again.

"I love you, baby," he'd whisper into my neck, his hand slipping down to press against my still-flat stomach. Maybe there'd be a slight swell. "Both of you."

A loud, rousing howl ripped through the house, penetrating even the iron walls surrounding it. Sam.

I leaped from the bed and tore down the stairs, pushing through to the front of the crowd of scared and nervous girls already crowded in the living room. Grandma Esme was in front of them, between the girls and the door, sunk into a crouch. She shooed us back but no one obeyed.

Three seconds later, there was the familiar slam and frantic scratching that I'd heard only once before today for a fraction of a second before Grandma Esme had snatched the iron screen up and the door open.

Human Sam came through the door, snatching up his shorts. He didn't have to say anything - I could see it in his eyes. They were back.

* * *

**Coming up:**

I kept taking slow, measured steps forward. I felt Kim run past me, and then Rachel.

Then my Dad stepped through the clearing and I was the one who was running. He swung me up into his arms and held me hard as I breathed in his scent, his cool scent of paternal protection and love and my Daddy.

"Daddy," I heard myself whimper into his neck. My heart was still tearing. "Daddy - where - where is he?"

"Renesmee," he breathed into my hair, held me a little tighter against his freezing body. Daddy. I wanted to feel safe, but I couldn't. I couldn't without - "He - Jacob's - "

"No." I pushed myself out of his arms. "No."


	63. In Which They are Not Healing

**_A/N: _**Okay, y'all, lots of stuff to say. First of all: **you girls love you some Jacob**. The last chapter, _In Which Nothing is Felt_, received 112 reviews! That is insane! _Hands on Me_ literally hit 2222 today - I saw it! And did a little happy dance, thank you very much. I'm sorry for being so evil, but I think this chapter will answer all of your questions.

Also, please keep voting for _Hands on Me_ in **The Sparkle Awards **- along with all your other favorite J/N fics. You can find the link in several of the previous chapters if you don't know it by heart already.

I love all of you girls, really. I had so many first-time reviewers who admitted to having been reading since near the beginning and it was so, so great to hear from y'all. Really.

**_Disclaimer:_** I don't own anything, as usual, including any medical experience/knowledge. I do have internet though, so that's what I used. But still, please forgive any inconsistencies.

* * *

In Which They are Not Healing

* * *

_desperately close to a coffin of hope  
i'd chest destiny just to be near you_

_- anna nalick, wreck of he day_

-

My heart immediately leapt into my throat. I couldn't breathe.

They were back. Of that I was certain. But who? Who was back?

"How far?" I heard myself ask in a voice I didn't recognize. A terrified, breaking, _grown _voice. "How far are they?"

"Twenty miles," Sam said, after a pause that seemed to stretch for years. "Give or take. They're traveling pretty fast, but not as fast as they could. I - I don't know how many or - or - "

There was no rejoicing, no tears of joy. Just silence.

Who would be missing?

My brain was whirring. Everyone else seemed frozen.

"Sam, you need to go meet them," I heard myself say, felt my arm start to gather my hair up into a ponytail, secure it. "There - some of them might be injured, or - or something. You need to see what they need."

I was surprised to hear myself give orders and even more surprised to see Sam nod. He crossed the room, kissed Emily, and ran back out the door.

"Grandma Esme, we need to get the shield off the house too," I once again heard myself instruct. "We don't need it anymore and it makes everything feel depressing. And how much food is there? They're going to be hungry - you know they are."

Almost as one, the girls gave relieved, nervous laughs.

"I'll handle it," Emily said, the one who seemed to be in the most control, who had the least to worry about, already heading to the kitchen. She pulled Kim with her. "There probably won't be near enough, but it'll have to do."

There was a slight creaking sound as the metal shields around the house slid up as Grandma Esme obeyed my instructions. The house immediately flooded with light, the most natural light any of us had seen in days. It made everything seem so much . . . lighter, or maybe that was our hearts that made it seem that way.

I turned to, I don't know, find something to do, try and calm my pounding heart, try to keep from fainting - and found myself in a warm embrace. Rachel.

"They're gonna be with them, right, Nessie?" She whispered into my ear. "Both of them?"

I couldn't say anything besides, "I hope so."

It felt traitorous in my throat, but so did the hope. If my hope betrayed me, I would never feel again.

It seemed feasible, possible that our men were coming home now - even though the doubt still choked me. The house was looked more homelike. It didn't seem completely impossible Jacob would come striding through that door, tall and strong and amazing and catch me in his arms.

"We should go help them," Rachel said finally and released me and we made our way to the kitchen without another word between us.

It was like a war-zone itself there, a war zone of flour and water and meat and hair and nervous energy. The sink was filled entirely with frozen steaks with steaming water running over them, Emily was pulling the two trays of muffins from before out of the oven and Kim looked like she was stirring up their replacement.

Rachel walked over to her and took the bowl from her hands and if I had thought her hands were moving fast before, it was nothing compared with what they were doing now. In less than half a minute, she was pouring it into a fresh pan to place in the oven.

Natalie was shakily cracking two dozens of eggs into a mixing bowl and I felt a touch on my elbow just as I was about to offer my help. It was Claire.

"Yes, honey?" I asked, my voice coming out weird. My entire body felt so urgent, like I should be running or doing and not just standing.

"Can you - Quil's coming, right?" She continued before I could answer. "So, I just - can you braid my hair so it's pretty for him when he gets here?"

My heart melted as much as it could while it was flying around my chest. I wanted to do this for Claire, I really did, but I didn't think I could sit still and braid her hair when they were _coming_.

"I'll do it." I looked up to see Natalie wiping her hands off on her jeans. She slid the now-full mixing bowl of eggs over to me. "Can you just do this because I'm no good at cooking and I'll probably burn them. I - I think I need to go sit down anyway."

She did look faint. I nodded and took the bowl into my hands.

Natalie led Claire back into the living room as I pulled a pan out from under the counter. I sprayed it with oil and set it on the stove, turning it up to high and filling it with eggs. Somehow all of them fit.

It was like my body had gone on autopilot. The house was filled with real light and the smell of food, muffins and eggs and meat and bread and fruit. The long, boardroom-like dining room table was quickly filling up. Not bad for five minutes.

Had it really been five minutes?

I cooked the eggs almost frantically, dumping them back into a bowl when they were done and cutting off the stove. I half-ran over and set them on the dining room table. Kim was now boiling about three different medium-sized pots on the stove for iced tea - she said it was quicker that way.

And our men - they could drink a lot. I know my Jacob could. He would be hungry when he got home - wouldn't he?

I heard a baby cry and since I had nothing in my hands was walking back into the living room to see if I could quiet either Dylan or Katie when it happened. I smelled it - vampire, and - and wolf too. A group - too many scents mixing and swirling to discern them.

I forgot all about the baby. I froze. I didn't call out, announce my discovery to the girls whose sense of smell wasn't as strong as mine, I didn't run. I just froze.

Slowly, I turned towards the huge glass window to see Grandma Esme looking just as frozen as me on the front lawn. And in front of her, beyond her, under the cover of the forest, there was movement along with flashes of white.

"They're here."

It was a whisper, I'm sure of it. It couldn't have been more than that, and it shouldn't have been heard - not over the clang and bang in the kitchen and especially not by humans, but three seconds later I was surrounded by everyone. All the wolf girls.

Rachel gasped and pressed a hand to her stomach. I didn't know how good my sight was compared with hers, but I'm pretty sure she saw the movement I did.

"Is it Quil? Is Quil here?" I heard Claire's nervous and excited voice ask, felt who I assumed was her push her way in between us.

The next second she was bounding in front of us and out into the front yard. The was two more seconds where everything and everyone was frozen before we moved as one to follow her.

I saw a white blur as my foot hit the bottom step and in the same instant, Grandma Esme was wrapped in someone's arms. Grandpa's arms. Yet my heart could not yet ache with relief.

Claire had ignored the inhuman blur completely, running almost to the huge clearing's edge.

"Quil?" She called out, turning around to face us like she could have missed him. "Quil, where are you?"

Claire missed the second inhuman blur, of brown this time, as Quil flashed from the clearing and snatched her into his arms. I heard a squeal of happiness that sounded like it broke off into a cry, but my eyes were already gone.

I was walking slowly now. Slowly forward. I couldn't control the heaviness of my heart that was only growing with each step.

I had expected Jacob, my Jacob to lead the march. I had expected him to be at the front, the leader, to be the first one to arrive home and sweep me in his arms. More people stepped out, more wolves, but my eyes were blurred to them. I couldn't see their faces.

I kept taking slow, measured steps forward. I felt Kim run past me, and then Rachel.

Then my Dad stepped through the clearing and I was the one who was running. He swung me up into his arms and held me hard as I breathed in his scent, his cool scent of paternal protection and love and my Daddy.

"Daddy," I heard myself whimper into his neck. My heart was still tearing. "Daddy - where - where is he?"

"Renesmee," he breathed into my hair, held me a little tighter against his freezing body. Daddy. I wanted to feel safe, but I couldn't. I couldn't without - "He - Jacob's - "

"No." I pushed myself out of his arms. "No."

Then I smelled it. I smelled my Jacob, unmistakably, and I soared. I was alive again - doused in cold water, unfrozen.

I felt my Dad's cold hand grip mine.

I turned towards the glorious scent only to see Sam step through the clearing. He walked backwards, carrying something in his hands. The more he stepped out, the more it was revealed.

Sam was holding one end of a straight board. As it was revealed, I saw a large pair of feet, strong legs. Strong russet legs.

I hardly noticed when my Mom came from the clearing, seemingly unharmed. In fact, I only noticed it at all because of what she was blocking, and when she turned to me, I saw it.

Jacob. My Jacob.

I moved, to run to him, but two freezing arms closed around my waist.

"Let me go!" I shouted. I felt rage and grief and love sizzle under my skin. "Let me go to him! Jacob! Jacob!"

But he didn't answer me. He didn't move. His beautiful, beautiful face stayed completely slack and Mom ran to me as Sam and Embry carried my Jacob into the house.

"Get off of me," I heard myself growl at my father. I writhed and fought against his grip but it was no good. It was iron tight. "What's wrong with him? _Dad!_"

"He's hurt, Renesmee," Dad whispered urgently into my ear. Then Mom was there, embracing me, holding me from the front. I was trapped. "Badly, I won't lie to you. He needs you to go to him, you have to go to him but you have to be gentle. You _musn't_ touch him, do you understand? We think it's his spine."

I felt everything go out of me.

"Hurt?" Jacob wasn't supposed to get hurt. He super-healed, how - "But - "

"Listen, sweetheart," Momma breathed, reaching up and taking my face in her hands. I didn't want her freezing touch - I wanted my Jacob's hot one. "Jacob - he's not healing."

"What do you mean _he's not healing_?"

"We think it's the separation," Dad said, his voice still urgent. "From his imprint. You've never been separated for so long. It's with all the imprinted wolves - cuts that should've taken seconds to heal took hours. Hours, Renesmee."

I couldn't think. What - what did that mean?

"You have to go to him - it's the only thing we can think of to kick-start the healing, but - Renesmee, you know how spinal injuries work. You could injure him irreparably."

Of course. Of course I wouldn't injure my Jacob. And - and he needed me, he needed me to go to him - he wasn't _healing_. Of course I could control myself - how could they doubt me?

"I - I understand," I heard my voice say. It sounded startlingly clear. "But I have to go to him. He has to start healing. I - I won't hurt him. I can't."

"We just had to warn you, sweetie," Mom breathed. I could feel their grip on me start to loosen. "You might have jumped on him."

I realized with shame that I had. I would have, if they hadn't stopped me.

"You can let me go now," I said, so quietly even I almost missed it. They did.

I was free. Free to see my Jacob, but my feet wouldn't move. I could have hurt him.

But I wouldn't. Not now, of course I wouldn't. And he needed me - needed me to get better.

I started walking. Soon I was at the door and even sooner I was inside. What looked eerily like a hospital bed had been set up in the center of the living room and Jacob - my Jacob - was laid out on it.

My heart soared and wrenched at the same time. Jacob lay in the bed, naked except for a sheet pulled across his hips.

Grandpa Carlisle was over him, and that was all I registered. All I could absorb. I watched as he moved Jacob's limp arm gingerly and gasped. From just under Jacob's armpit to his hip, there was a semi-open gash. A claw mark. My Jacob had been clawed.

The next instant, I was at his side.

He was so beautiful. I had forgotten just how beautiful this man was, though I'm not sure how. I wanted to touch him, but I was paralyzed with fear.

I looked up at Grandpa Carlisle for instruction. I probably should be hugging him right now, relieved that he was home safe but all I could think about was the man in front of me.

"He's unconscious," Grandpa Carlisle informed me. "He has been ever since the accident. He's not brain dead, but his thoughts aren't fully formed either - it's as though he's in a very deep sleep. I think some of his vertebrae are fractured. They should have healed in hours, but it's been days and - "

"Can I help?" I heard my voice say, but I felt detached from it. My self, my being, was focused on Jacob. "My - Daddy said it was because of the separation. But now we're - we're not separated. So what?"

"I think . . . I think it'll take time to make a difference," he told me and my heart sank. "It won't be instantaneous, but I think it is important that you stay close."

I would definitely stay close. I wouldn't leave him until he was completely healed.

"Perhaps hearing your voice would help," I heard Dad suggest from behind me. I looked up to see him by my shoulder. "Why don't you talk to him?"

I took a step towards the bed, but checked myself.

"You can go closer, Renesmee," Dad granted. "And - and you can touch him, but gently. Make sure not to move anything."

That was all the permission I needed. I leaned over the rail of the bed, carefully, so not to move it one millimeter, leaned in until his scent had me spinning.

"Jacob," I whispered, half-expecting him to open his eyes. He'd never not answered me when I called for him. "Jacob, baby, it's Nessie."

There was no response. I reached out, surprised to see my hand shaking, to touch his. It was still burning hot - it felt so good after so long without him. I squeezed his hand, half expecting his thumb to sweep across the mine but it didn't. It stayed unresponsive, lax under mine. A tear fell. Mine, of course.

"Can - can he hear us?" My voice asked. Cold hands touched my shoulders - Aunt Rose. I turned to see her and Uncle Emmett standing behind me. I spared them each a quick hug - Aunt Rose stole two, pressing my face into her breast.

"He can," my Dad revealed, which lightened my heart the smallest amount. "But he doesn't understand. He recognizes your voice though. He doesn't know what you're saying, but he knows that he knows you."

Another tear fell. It was too hard to keep them in. I held them back when he left me but now I just couldn't - my Jacob hardly knew me. I couldn't even comfort my husband with my words - only my voice. The words made no sense to him.

I could tell him that I love him, but he wouldn't know it. Only if he could hear it in my voice. I'd make sure he could.

The house was loud and hushed at the same time, frantic meetings taking places in all corners, but I saw none of them. I couldn't take my eyes off of my Jacob. I leaned in closer to him like it would make a difference - like my proximity would make his super-healing kick into gear. Hey - that was what they wanted, right?

"Jake," I whispered, taking another moment to inhale his scent deeply. Taste his name, his nickname on my tongue. I hadn't said it for a while. "Jake, it's Ness. I - I missed you so much, honey. I - "

I didn't know what else to say. I wanted to curl up beside him, kiss him, kiss him back awake like Snow White in the fairytale but I knew that despite the fact we were surrounded by myths and monsters, things weren't that easy. I could hardly touch him.

When I heard Grandpa Carlisle ask for water and gauze, it shook me back into something similar to the state I'd fallen into in the minutes before their arrival.

"Why?" I asked him, straightening up. I kept my hand against Jacob's. "What are you going to do?"

"When we realized the wolves weren't healing, we made getting back our first priority," Grandpa Carlisle said as I felt Momma's hand rest itself on my shoulder. "We didn't stop for anything. Jacob's wound needs to be cleaned. It should have been done sooner, but Edward didn't want to risk stopping."

I felt my heart swell for my father, my love for him roaring up.

"I love him too, Nessie," he whispered quietly from behind me, using Jacob's name for me. "He's my son like he is your husband."

_Thank you_, I thought, realizing that my mother's shield must be down. _Thank you so much, Daddy, for watching over him. I'm so glad you're home. _

I felt a cold pair of lips press themselves into my hair. I looked down at Jacob and realized he was covered with a thin layer of grime: sweat and dirt and - and blood. I hadn't noticed before, my joy in seeing him at all had overshadowed it completely.

"He needs to be bathed," I heard myself say. "Are you going to leave him here?"

"We were planning on moving him upstairs to the study where Carlisle can get a better set up for him. Most of his medical equipment is up there."

I turned to my Dad.

"Well, I think you should do it now so I can get him washed." It was like this voice, this grown up person's voice didn't belong to me. But it did. It was me saying these things.

Grandma Esme appeared, her face torn between relief and worry, with the things Grandpa Carlisle had asked for in her hands as my Dad nodded.

"We'll move him now," Dad agreed, and with a gesture of his head, Uncle Emmett was beside him. "Make sure you keep him flat, Em."

"Yeah, I know," Uncle Emmett said, then he leaned in and ruffled my hair. I guess he must have seen the worry on my face - I knew how precarious moving a person with a spine injury was. "Don't worry, Nessie, I won't let anything happen to him."

I watched as, with their vampiric strength and precision, they carried Jacob and the hospital bed both up the stairs smoothly. They didn't move or jolt him once, the bed kept completely flat.

Grandpa Carlisle and Momma shadowed them, Grandma shadowing Grandpa, and I felt a cold hand slip into mine. Aunt Rosalie. My entire family working together for me, for us, for my Jacob.

My entire family. Except -

"Where are Alice and Jasper?"

* * *

**Coming up:**

I dipped my hands into the warm bucket of water Grandma Esme had provided, soaking the cloth completely only to pull it back up and wring it out. I made sure all the excess water was removed so nothing ran backward onto the bed.

I reached with my left hand to touch Jacob's cheek, tenderly, careful not to move his neck. I pressed the warm cloth to his opposite cheek, wiping gently. A layer of grime came away, his russet skin shining brighter than before.

I washed his face and his neck, his strong chest and equally strong arms, rinsing the cloth out in the warm water as needed. I washed his sides gently, cringing as I cleaned tenderly around his wound. I hope it began to heal soon.

Then I washed his beautiful stomach, which seemed to have the most grime. Jacob was completely naked, a simple sheet pulled across his hips to protect his modesty, which I pulled away. Even here there was grime. He must have been lying in the dirt, but I didn't want to think about the specifics of how my Jacob had come to be injured.

I washed the flats of his hips first and then the rest of him, gently since I knew he was more sensitive here. I was jolted with shock when I felt his body begin to react to my hands. My eyes flashed to his face, but it was still lax. It was a simple physical reaction.


	64. In Which Nessie is Not a Grown Up

**_A/N:_** All right, several things before I forget them all! Keep voting in **The Sparkle Awards**! Just flit two chapters back and follow the link! Don't forget to vote for all your other favorite J/N fics! :)

Now, moving on, I would like say that I have been called the bomb-diggity! I never have before, so I would like to thank a one **April Rane** for that. You rock! Also, **kimo33**, you've been leaving me lovely reviews and I've just recently gotten a PM from you, but I can't reply because your private messaging is disabled! Sorry for mentioning it on here, but I didn't want you to think I was ignoring you. :) I always reply all of my reviews, so if anyone doesn't get a reply, it's either been a huge mistake or their messaging is disabled.

Thanks a ton, girlies!

Also, follow me on twitter for _Hands on Me/Undeniable/A Tale Told in Kisses_ updates, along with anything new I may be working on (expect a one-shot!), and how I should be doing my math homework. I post extra (140-character, of course) sneak peeks and sometimes do votes on chapter titles and tons of fun stuff - I love interacting with readers!

**_Disclaimer: _**I don't own anything, not even the right to say I've started my NaNoWriMo story yet because I'm too busy with these!

* * *

In Which Nessie is Not a Grown Up

* * *

_now we're back to the beginning  
it's just a feeling and no one knows yet  
but just because they can't feel it too  
doesn't mean that you have to forget_

_- regina spektor, the call_

-

My heart was suddenly frozen in my throat once again. I - I hadn't seen them, hadn't smelled them - how hadn't I noticed it? They weren't _here. _There weren't -

"They're safe, darling," Aunt Rosalie soothed urgently, pulling me into her breast and smoothing back my hair. "They perfectly safe and fine, don't worry. It's quite a long story though and I think you should see about - Jacob first."

I think that was the first time I ever remember Aunt Rose saying Jacob's name.

My heart soaked up the relief that my Aunt and Uncle were fine. It might have been insensitive and wrong of me, but now that I knew they were safe, they were _alive_, my main priority once again became Jacob.

They were fine. They were safe. Now, my Jacob.

I climbed the stairs with Aunt Rose and we were almost to the top when I heard Rachel's voice inquire shakily about Jacob. Had Paul told her or had she just realized his absence and panicked?

"I'll handle it," Aunt Rose said quietly and then I felt her hand disappear from inside mine.

I finished climbing the stairs and went straight to the study, the study where Jacob and I were married. They had finished arranging him - Grandpa Carlisle had somehow managed to get an IV set up. Whatever they were giving him, they were going to have to give him lots of it - my Jacob's werewolf metabolism burned things up fast.

Jacob's arm was being propped up, held gently but firmly by my mother and Grandpa Carlisle was attending to the long gash down his side. I wasn't sure how they had done so much so fast - vampire speed, I suppose.

I watched from the door as they work and, short second later it was clean.

"You wanted to bathe him, Nessie?" Grandpa asked, to which I nodded. Of course I did - I was his wife! What would I do, leave the job for someone else? "All right, so I only cleaned the wound with water - after he's been bathed, I'll disinfect and bandage it."

"Okay," my voice said again. Grandma Esme walked past with a bucket in her hands. I hadn't even noticed her absence.

"I've brought warm water and the softest cloth I could find, Nessie," she informed me, setting it at the table by the head of Jacob's bed. "Is there anything else you need?"

Me? I need?

"No - I mean, does Jacob - ?"

"Jacob's fine," my Dad informed me. "His spine is stable, his wound is clean enough for now. I think you were right in saying he needs to be bathed, but besides that, there's nothing we can do. You can only keep close by and wait for his body to heal itself."

But it would heal itself. It would.

"Why isn't he awake though?"

"Why do people go into comas only to come out years later?" Dad questioned and my heart dropped into my stomach. Not a coma, not years. "Jacob's not in a coma, Renesmee, he's just . . . we're not sure what he is. The best we can figure is that it's just his body trying to protect itself without the hyper-healing."

"O-okay," my voice said again. I let my gaze fall to my Jacob. "Can you - can you leave us?"

"Of course we can, darling," he granted, pulling me forward and pressing a freezing kiss to my forehead. "It won't be forever, Nessie, I know that."

Momma came up and wrapped me in her arms and then left without another word. The rest of my family filed silently out, Grandpa Carlisle pausing only long enough to instruct me to be extremely cautious not to move Jacob's spine and to let him know immediately if I needed anything or if anything changed.

But of course I would. I wasn't playing with my Jacob's health.

He left, closing the door quietly behind him with a click and I was alone with my Jacob for the first time since we left the bathroom eight days ago. Eight long, stretching, life-changing days ago.

I pressed both hands to my body, one to my stomach and the other to my heart, where Jacob's ring pressed against my skin. He had to wake up; he had to heal.

I walked over to where he was and brushed a tangled lock of hair back from his beautiful face. His beautiful face that was covered with grime. I would start there.

I dipped my hands into the warm bucket of water Grandma Esme had provided, soaking the cloth completely only to pull it back up and wring it out. I made sure all the excess water was removed so nothing ran backward onto the bed.

I reached with my left hand to touch Jacob's cheek, tenderly, careful not to move his neck. I pressed the warm cloth to his opposite cheek, wiping gently. A layer of grime came away, his russet skin shining brighter than before.

I washed his face and his neck, his strong chest and equally strong arms, rinsing the cloth out in the warm water as needed. I washed his sides gently, cringing as I cleaned tenderly around his wound. I hope it began to heal soon.

Then I washed his beautiful stomach, which seemed to have the most grime. Jacob was completely naked, a simple sheet pulled across his hips to protect his modesty, which I pulled away. Even here there was grime. He must have been lying in the dirt, but I didn't want to think about the specifics of how my Jacob had come to be injured.

I washed the flats of his hips first and then the rest of him, gently since I knew he was more sensitive here. I was jolted with shock when I felt his body begin to react to my hands. My eyes flashed to his face, but it was still lax. It was a simple physical reaction.

I removed my hands from him gently and moved my attentions to his thighs. I washed his legs, all the way down to his feet, dipping the cloth in between when I could reach. I was too afraid to try and move his legs that I might shift something in his spine.

When I was finally done, I pulled the sheet back over Jacob's hips to cover him and pulled one of the chintz armchairs over by his beside. The armchair I had sat in when I signed the contract that would change my name to Nessie Black, my status to that of a wife. I was Jacob's wife.

I might be somebody's mother. One day.

I crawled up on my knees in the chair and did something I had been aching to do since I first laid eyes on him. I pressed my lips to his flaming cheek. I wouldn't kiss his lips, even though I was dying to. I wouldn't. Jacob would remember our reunion kiss. I would make sure of that.

His skin felt so good under my mouth, his scent so completely him even when he wasn't there.

"My Jacob," I breathed into his ear. I knew he liked when I called him that. "You need to wake up for me, my love. I need you."

I kissed his cheek again, probably a little more passionately than was decent but I didn't care. I need him. I needed this.

I knew my family probably wanted me to let them know when I was done, but they could hear everything anyway and I wasn't ready to share my time with anyone. I let down the rail of the bed and laid my head on it against his thigh, my hand reaching up to grasp his.

I could hear his heartbeat, steady and deep. A constant thrumming.

"I've got so much to tell you when you wake up, Jake," I whispered, pushing myself up once more so I could see his face. My hand found its way down to my stomach once again. "You don't even know."

For the first time in what felt like years, I fell asleep to the sound of my Jacob's heart, my favorite lullaby.

I awoke to Grandpa Carlisle stepping almost silently into the room. He said that it was night, I'd been asleep quite a few hours, and that he'd come to check Jacob's wounds. I could tell no difference, but Grandpa was happy and said they were improving. Already.

"I can tell it'll take awhile for his immune system to kick back into gear. He's going to heal a lot more slowly than we're used to, but he will heal."

I sighed in relief.

"And if the wound on his side is healing, then I think it is safe to assume his spine is too. You're helping him already, Nessie."

I wanted to cry.

He showed me how to disinfect the wound and then how to apply the bandage and I watched with careful eyes. I would do it from now on. It was my fault - my stupid, half-vampire-self fault, that my Jacob was here like this. I would take care of him.

"I suggest talking to him, even if he doesn't understand yet. And touching him - just casual touches. The - the imprint bond is so much deeper than anything I've ever seen or imagined. It seems like it can _physcially _affect them, the absence. So maybe a little extra . . . presence will speed things along."

I nodded.

Grandpa did something with Jacob's IV and left me then. I immediately curled up how I had been and started talking. I talked to him about every single trivial thing I could come up with, went over every memory, until I opened my eyes and realized I was waking up. I didn't remember falling asleep. I hadn't dreamt.

The days dragged. I found out things, things I didn't want to know, things that scared me and relieved me and it was messed up because in the end I didn't really worry because Jacob was improving.

The Volturi, against every single odd, had been defeated, leaving the vampire world without a stable base. A leader. As corrupt as the Volturi had been, they had kept order - that order would not keep for long unless a new system replaced it.

That was where Alice and Jasper were. They had travelled on to Italy to help bring everything up out of the ashes. It wasn't exactly necessary now that the base be in Italy, but that is where vampires would go first and so that is where they should be. In another against-all-odd scenario, Leah had gone with them. Momma said when they asked her why she'd want to go she shrugged and said she'd been wanting a good change and that helping reform a vamp government seemed like a pretty drastic change to her.

And that she'd been wondering if she could get a crown. When Momma told me this, it was the first time I'd laughed in days.

We hadn't gone without losses. Brady and John, and Siobhan and Hulien. Nahuel had been battered, but physically fine when they'd found him, brought along with the Volturi in an attempt to cloud Alice's vision. Psychologically, though, was a different story, Dad said. He'd refused their offer to return home with them, instead opting to return to South America alone. He said he needed to be there to cope with the loss of his aunt - that he might stop by in a few years.

A few years. I couldn't even think a few days forward.

The pack was still in mourning for the loss of their brothers - John hadn't had much family, but Brady had had a sister. I wondered what they told her but never asked. Quil had been voted to act as Alpha while Jacob was . . . absent. Seth had received the worst injuries of the imprinted wolves after Jacob, a shattered shoulder that was well on its way to healing now due to the attention and presence of a one Natalie. He was also still healing a little slowly, though, and still had a few days before Grandpa said he could give him the go ahead to phase.

He'd shrugged, wincing a little, and muttered something about it not being something he hadn't dealt with before. The only reason I knew this was because it was something that had occurred on one of his visits to see Jacob - I hadn't left the room except to shower and use the bathroom. And that I did quickly.

Jacob's wound on his side was healing. It looked like there might be a scar, something I'd thought was impossible, but Grandpa hypothesized it was had to do with the healing slowing down. I didn't care though. I didn't care if he had a scar - I just wanted him healthy.

We could only assume his spine was healing too. We couldn't move him and we couldn't know until he woke. Which wasn't yet.

I spent my days and my nights murmuring to Jacob, filling his ears with the smallest and the biggest details of everything. It was three days before I had what was perhaps the stupidest a-ha moments in the history of a-ha moments.

I was hanging over the edge of Jacob's bed with my lips against his ear as I had been prone to do, muttering this time about our wedding, I think. I had taken to rambling about any and everything, not even realizing what I was saying as I said it.

"Remember our wedding, Jake?" I know I said. I remember that. "And . . . and after? That night? Do you remember, Jake? You were so perfect . . . your hands and your words. Please wake up, Jake, I miss you so much. I just, I want to kiss you and touch you and be with you and show you - just show you - "

Show him. I needed to show him.

"Jake - Jake - " I muttered excitedly into his ear, sliding my hand out of his lax one and upwards. My fingertips brushed the now-hot metal of his ring, which I had replaced days ago. That I couldn't wait for. "Jake, can I - I'm going to show you something, okay?"

I pressed my hand to his cheek farthest from me and pressed my lips to the closest, and opened the connection between us. I showed him our wedding night, how he had felt above me, his body and his hands and his heat. I showed him how beautiful he was, his long beautiful hair clinging to his sweaty face. How he felt between my legs - hot and hard and _there_. Mine.

I kissed his cheek, my will finally breaking the smallest bit as I dipped my head down to brush my lips over his jaw. Press small but open-mouthed kisses there, finally tasting his skin after what felt like years.

"Do you remember, my Jacob?" I thought I heard Jacob's heart thrum faster, but it was probably just my imagination. There was no response. I felt a lump rise in my throat. "You have to remember. You have to come back to me. I didn't feel anything when you were gone - I, I _can't _feel anything when you're gone."

I left the connection open as I funneled everything to him, that night and all the ones after it, my loneliness and my fear.

"Remember when you left, Jake?" I muttered against his cheek then, tears breaking loose and sliding down. I was past caring. "What we did? I - I think we made something, Jake, I think we - I think we . . . wake up so I can tell you, Jake, _please_."

I broke into tears against his neck. It was stupid and selfish and ridiculous and I didn't care. I was trying to be strong, but I wasn't. I wasn't strong. This was proof. I was a horrible wife - I couldn't take care of my Jacob how he had taken care of me. It had only been three days and I was already in tears, begging him to come back. I was selfish.

I didn't care.

"Come back, Jake." My head dipped down further, kissed the much-missed skin of Jacob's neck. "Come back to me, my Jacob, please. I thought I could be strong and a grown up, but I can't - I can't and I need you. Please, _please_. Please."

My family must be hunting, this was the only excuse I had for them not to have come bursting in here by now, but I didn't care. I didn't care if they did come - I'd tell them to turn around and march right back out. Didn't a woman have the right to breakdown and beg her husband without the world watching?

I finally took my left hand from Jacob's face, my heart sinking as I realized it had done no good, and slid it down his chest. I caressed the muscles there and below, the ones of his stomach. If he didn't wake up, didn't phase, how long before he started to age?

I choked back a sob.

I suddenly pushed myself back up, throwing my stupid hair out of my face and swiping at my eyes. Fuck my promises and my decisions and whatever the hell else. Fuck my idea about Jacob remembering our reunion kiss. I needed it. I needed _him_.

I leaned myself back over him, careful not to move the bed, and took his face gently in my left hand. My heart hammered as I lowered my face to his unresponsive one. I closed my eyes and felt his breath, hot and heady against my face like always. Like there was almost no difference.

I leaned in and our lips touched.

It was amazing and perfect and a fairytale come true except for the part where the prince didn't wake up. I pressed my lips against his a little harder, trying to get my fill. I wouldn't do this again. I was sick, disgusting, kissing a nearly comatose person. What was I thinking?

I was thinking that I needed him.

I parted my lips, just the smallest bit, and prepared myself to close the kiss. Take my last caress. But then something changed.

Nothing did, outwardly, except for . . . the energy. There was an . . . awareness.

I felt movement near my eyelids. Then the lips beneath mine moved and the roughest, most wonderful voice I'd ever heard rasped, "Ness."

* * *

**Coming up:**

"Yes, yes, I'm fine, Jake," I told him, shaking my head fiercely to clear his of all worry. He was worrying about _me_. "I - I just think . . . I mean, I'm not sure, but - "

I cut myself off when Jacob's entire body tensed. It must have been the women's intuition Emily was talking about that made my hands shoot out to press down on Jacob's shoulders because the instant after I did, his torso attempted to shoot up.

I thanked the entire universe that he was so weak and I was able to keep him firmly pressed against the bed. His spine -

"Jacob!" I exclaimed, taking in his now wild eyes and panting breath. He was still struggling against me, but weakly, a mere echo of what he was previously capable of. Before if Jacob had truly wanted to get away, he could have sent me sailing across the room. "Jacob, what's wrong? Calm down!"

"Vampires," he spat and for a second I was frozen.


	65. In Which it is Not Heaven, but Close

**_A/N: _**Hello, lovely girls (and the one guy I know of)! I made a disturbing discovery this afternoon - FF.n doesn't allow you to send more than 100 PMs a day! I was replying reviews, you see. :) I understand the intention - but come on, I was replying reviews! Anyway, I've reached my limit for the day with only like three reviews to spare. I'm going to try to see if they will let me reply again after 12:00, before I post, but if not, I humbly apologize for not replying. I should have done them gradually instead.

Voting for **The Sparkle Awards **ended today, so I just wanted to say thank you, thank you, thank you a thousand times to every person who voted for me! Up against the hugely popular IPoN, I doubt I'll win, but I still appreciate the support boundlessly. I love you all - I never expected to be this popular when I started out.

One of my readers (**Clegs22**!) pointed out to me that if you type 'Hands on Me' into the google search engine, 'fanfiction' come up as an option. I check it and it only worked for me if I typed 't' or 'f' after it, in which case 'twilight fanfiction' or just 'fanfiction' would come up. But still, as my fic is the only story I know of with that name, that's insane! You guys really rock. :)

Thank you all so much, once again. And I have a new fic up for the When Love Was New challenge, submitted last minute. It's called If You're Mine, and it's J/N, of course. There's no public vote, but I'd still love to hear all of your opinions regardless! :)

Not much (read: any) talk about the chapter, but I think it speaks for itself.

**_Disclaimer: _**I don't own a thing. Except some hunger. I think I'm about to dig into an Arby's sandwich (American Roast Beef, Yes Sir!) and wait for twelve so I can post this.

* * *

In Which it is Not Heaven, but Close

* * *

_you can do the math a thousand ways, but you can't erase the facts  
that other come and others go, but you always come back_

_- pink, i'm not dead_

-

I snatched my lips back, just a fraction, to see the most amazing sight my eyes had ever beheld. A pair of dark, almost black, beautiful eyes staring back at me.

"Jacob," I breathed. My brain, my heart could not comprehend what was happening. Was this real?

The long lashes that framed the amazing eyes fluttered, down to half-shut before they opened fully. Tiredly, but fully. My Jacob had opened his eyes. He had said my name.

He had come back to me.

He looked confused, but not in any danger. He looked amazing.

His lips fell apart and I felt his breath on my mouth then, hot and just as amazing as always.

"Heaven," he muttered, his voice rasping and broken, against my lips. His eyes floated vaguely over mine.

Heaven? Did - did my Jacob think he was dead?

"N-no," I muttered quickly, unable to control the gallop of joy my heart was performing. "No, my Jacob, you're safe. You're alive. It's not heaven, honey, you're here with me."

His eyes floated back closed and his lips parted a little more and I had a moment of panic where I thought he was slipping back away from me. But they opened again.

"I know." His voice was so rough, so harsh, so dry from disuse and still the most beautiful thing I'd ever heard. "Heaven."

My heart melted as I understood. How did he do that? He just woke up after practically being in a coma for six days and already he was comforting me.

"Yes," I agreed, and brushed my lips against his. "You're back with me now. Heaven."

His full lips moved under mine, tiredly, slowly. Just a few inches, but I understood. A smile.

I let out a deep breath, shaking my head in utter disbelief. I didn't realize I was crying until I saw the tear drop onto Jacob's cheek.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Jake," I apologized stupidly, reaching up to wipe it away and then laughed. "I - I can't even, I don't believe - "

Jacob made what I could only discern as a low shushing noise.

"S'okay," he murmured. He looked tired, like his eyes kept fighting to fall closed. I didn't want him to sleep if there was a chance of him falling back away from me though. "M'here now."

"Of course," I murmured, refraining myself from kissing him again. I could tell he was exhausted. "You're here now. What do you need, Jacob? Are you hungry?"

His eyes fluttered shut again before reopening and searching my face.

"Water," he rasped finally after a long moment.

Of course. Of course he needed water.

I sat up abruptly, nearly flying across the room for the pitcher of water Grandma Esme had kept there. I poured a glass a flew back over to Jacob.

I brought the glass to his lips and his arm made a jerky movement, lifting a few inches before falling back to the mattress.

"No, Jake," I urged, realizing what he was trying to do. "No, my Jacob, I've got it. Just open up."

His lips fell open a little more and I pressed the glass gently to them, tipping it back just enough for a little of the water to slide past. His lips closed and I saw his throat work to swallow. He parted them again seconds later, a silent entreaty for more. I complied.

Jacob drank, sip by sip, until the glass was nearly gone. His head relaxed back into the pillow, bringing to my attention only then that it had been straining up, but only by millimeters.

"Better?"

His head moved an infinitesimal amount, a nod.

It had not escaped my attention that Jacob had been awake for nearly five minutes and no one had come blazing up. They must not have been home. It - it was probably important that I go find someone, alert them, but I didn't want to leave my Jacob. I wouldn't leave my Jacob.

"Do you - do you hurt anywhere?"

Jacob looked like he was thinking, then surprised me by rolling his head to the side to face me. Could he do that - wouldn't that hurt his spine?

"M'side," he murmured. "M'side hurts. And m'back, but . . . but s'okay. S'not bad."

"Oh, that's so good, Jacob," I breathed, my heart soaring. He was _healing_. "That's so good. You'll be better soon."

His eyes pierced me, squinting as though to study me better.

"Missed you," he muttered then, and there was a slow movement by his side. Jacob had turned his right hand over, palm up. I understood and placed mine inside it. "So much."

I felt tears in my eyes as Jacob's thumb reached up slowly to brush over the back of my palm.

"I missed you too, Jake," I swore. "You don't know how much. I've - I've been talking to you, trying to get you to wake up. Do you remember?"

Jacob looked like he was thinking hard.

"'Member your voice." His voice was much better now, less rough but still very tired and slightly unclear. "But I . . . couldn't hear. Couldn't hear th'words."

I nodded, this revelation not sending as sharp a pain to my gut as it surely would have if my Jacob wasn't awake and beautiful in front of me.

"Saw the pictures . . . though," he got out quickly. He just seemed so tired, like even talking was taking so much out of him. "So good."

I couldn't help the smile that spread over my face. So it had helped. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." His fingers closed lightly, weakly over mine and tugged lightly. "C'mere."

I immediately complied, unthinkingly, stepping even closer and leaning down.

My hair fell down, brushing across his chest, but when I tried to push it back, Jacob muttered, "Leave it. C'mere."

He tugged my hand again and I understood. I was literally seconds from bursting into tears of joy - I wouldn't be able to hold them long. So perfect. He was so perfect.

And most of all, he was _here._

I dipped my knees to lean down further to keep the balance of my weight on my knees so I would risk falling against him and used my free hand to touch his cheek, brushing a thumb over the corner of his lips for a second before I couldn't stand it anymore.

I pressed my lips to Jacob's in a soft, gentle kiss. Jacob was always the one taking it easy for fear of me, but this time I had to be gentle with him. Jacob's dry lips moved against mine slowly, his breathing quickly becoming more labored against mine.

It was too much. Too much for him too soon. He was clearly already exhausted.

I reluctantly pulled away, leaning in to kiss either corner of his lips. He closed his eyes again and let me.

"Thank you so much for coming back to me, Jake," I whispered, giving his hand a soft squeeze, traced my finger across his wedding band. "I was so lost without you."

"I'll always come back, Ness." I closed my eyes to let the wonderfulness of those words wash over me. "'Was lost without you too."

I let out a hard breath through my nose in an attempt to keep the tears back. Jacob's brow knitted together, just slightly. All of his movements were slight, muted. Tired.

"M'ring's back."

I gave him what I could tell was a watery smile.

"Yes," I said quietly, tracing it with my finger again. "Yes, I put it back yesterday. I - I thought you'd want it."

"Did," he said simply. His eyes changed then, like he remembered something. "You're safe now. 'Made you safe."

The tears spilled over again. Yes, Jacob had made me safe. That was the reason he was like this - he'd been fighting to keep me safe. And he had.

"Yes, I'm safe now," I assured him. "I''m so safe. And now that you're back, I'm just perfect."

"How long was a'gone?" He asked then, the corners of his eyes turning down and I could tell that he was disappointed with himself. Already.

He'd just woken up not ten minutes ago, wasn't even fully conscious, and was already beating himself up over something.

"Only three days, honey," I promised. "You've been home for three days, but it was the longest three days of my life."

"Sorry."

"No!" I half-laughed, half-cried and leaned back closer. Just to be closer. "Don't be sorry - just get better. Just get better so we can get home, okay?"

"Home," he said absently, his eyes lightening and floating off a little like he was thinking about it. I wonder about what in particular - a lot of good things had happened at home. "Yeah, 'Kay."

Suddenly, I saw everything unfolded out before me. There were no Volturi, Jacob would get better, and I might - I might be . . . well. I could just see the future, laid out and perfect, ahead of us. Our life in our house, forever and ever. Cooking, cleaning, loving and maybe - maybe -

"Jacob," I said quietly, my heart thundering at what I was about to say. My free hand found its way to my stomach. "I've - I've got something to tell you."

His eyes immediately became concerned.

"R'you okay?"

"Yes, yes, I'm fine, Jake," I told him, shaking my head fiercely to clear his of all worry. He was worrying about _me_. "I - I just think . . . I mean, I'm not sure, but - "

I cut myself off when Jacob's entire body tensed. It must have been the women's intuition Emily was talking about that made my hands shoot out to press down on Jacob's shoulders because the instant after I did, his torso attempted to shoot up.

I thanked the entire universe that he was so weak and I was able to keep him firmly pressed against the bed. His spine -

"Jacob!" I exclaimed, taking in his now wild eyes and panting breath. He was still struggling against me, but weakly, a mere echo of what he was previously capable of. Before, if Jacob had truly wanted to get away, he could have sent me sailing across the room. "Jacob, what's wrong? Calm down!"

"Vampires," he spat and for a second I was frozen.

I inhaled and smelled my parent's scents fast approaching. The would be here in seconds. Thankfully, when my brain unfroze, it kicked into high speed, working fast enough for me to figure out what was happening.

Jacob was reacting instinctively or, or having some kind of panic attack or something. All I knew was that it would _not _ be good for a group of vampires to come bursting in here right now, even my family. If Jacob phased while he was injured - his spine -

"Dad, stay down there!" I called out, not exactly a shout but I knew it would carry to their sensitive ears. "You hear me? Do _not_ come up here!"

I immediately crawled up onto my knees in the chair so I could access Jacob's face better. I took one of my hands from his chest, that was now pounding wildly, and pressed it to his cheek. I pressed my lips to his opposite ear.

"It's just my parents, Jacob," I whispered urgently into his ear, kissing just beside it. "Just my Mom and Dad. Edward and Bella. You know them. Bells, remember? They're safe, they won't hurt you. They won't hurt me. Okay? Okay?"

Jacob's body stopped shaking but stayed tense, his breathing stayed hard.

"Edward?" He asked, confused, and my heart pounded with fear. Did he not remember them? "Bella?"

"Yes, Edward and Bella, my parents . . . your - _our _family, Jacob," I explained hurriedly, pressing my hand harder into his cheek in desperation. I flashed him memories of he and my parents together, of them laughing, getting along. "See?"

Jacob's breathing was still fast now, but from exhaustion and not exhilaration. His body relaxed.

"Shit," he murmured turning his face away from me and into the hand pressed against his cheek. I would have laughed, if I hadn't been so scared, at the reappearance of the old Jacob. "Edward n'Bella. 'Course. Fuck."

I was so relieved that he hadn't forgotten them that I pressed another kiss to his skin, his neck since it was what I was faced with. Jacob turned his head back slowly to face me, back to his right so we were face to face. I kissed his lips softly. He was already looking exhausted again.

"M'sorry, Ness," he apologized again.

I ran the hand that was previously against his cheek down his body, his chest and stomach, over his arm where I could reach, trying to calm the fear I knew was still coursing through his veins.

"No, Jacob, it's not your fault," I promised and meant it. He'd just woke up, of course he was confused, and on top of that the last thought he probably remembered having was the desire to kill leeches. "It's okay, it's all right. Are you calm now? Are you okay?"

He sort of nodded tiredly and mumbled in the affirmative.

"Shure, shure."

I smiled. I kissed his dry lips again, gently.

"Can they come up now?" I asked quietly, sliding my hand back up his stomach to his face. "Are you okay for them to come up?"

"'Course."

"Okay," I said quietly. Then louder, even though my parents could hear it anyway from downstairs, "You can come up now. But slow."

"M'fine, Ness," he mumbled in protest.

"I know you are," I told him, smiling the married person smile that I had missed giving. "I know you are, but I'm not taking any chances with you, my Jacob."

My parents came through the door two seconds later and Jacob's body didn't tense. My Dad gave him a full checkup, assessing what we knew, which was that Jacob's wound in his side was healing well and from what Jacob could explain, his spine was doing the same.

Daddy, with Momma's help, helped Jacob to sit up partially, while I moved the bed to support him. It was painful for him, I could tell, in the way he gritted his teeth and held onto the sheets, but my Dad assured us it was necessary pain. It was just a part of healing.

Then he gave the best news: he said he would of course have to check with Grandpa Carlisle, but that tomorrow Jacob could try to get up. With help, of course.

By the time that was done, which was only about ten minutes, Jacob was already exhausted. Momma and Daddy went back downstairs to leave us alone and fix Jacob his first solid meal for days and even though Dad assured us that it was highly unlikely Jacob would slip back into his freaky-deep-sleep thing, Jacob still asked me not to let him fall back asleep anyway.

It was tempting, but I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't sacrifice Jacob's health because of my selfish, irrational fear of him not coming back. He needed sleep, especially now.

So I talked with him and sat with him until he drifted off. Unfortunately, that was before the food was finished. He could eat when he woke up though. He'd wake up soon.

He would.

And he did. Three hours later, and he actually tried to stretch until I think he realized it hurt. My heart panged for him. I wish I could take the pain from him. I would if I could, take all of it right from him and bear it myself. But I couldn't.

All I could do was be with him, sit with him, take care of him. Comfort him. And I could easily, happily spend the rest of my life doing that.

His speaking improved a lot after he'd had what seemed and appeared to be a normal nap. He had some more water, I kissed him again. It was such a pleasure, an amazing thing I didn't even deserve, to kiss him again. To have his lips against mine after so long. When I'd spent days feeling like I'd never feel them again. Hear him again. See him again.

Jacob ate then - I'd had to feed him, which I was glad to do. Jacob hadn't been happy about it - he'd looked like he wanted to argue. I know he hated being vulnerable and hated feeling weak, but he had to understand that it was okay with me. It was okay to accept my help when he needed me - he had to take some too. He couldn't give all the time.

I'd waited instead until Grandpa Carlisle and Grandma Esme were finished seeing Jake and I crawled up in the chair beside his bed, balancing his plate on the rails of the bed. I had kept them down most of the time Jacob was . . . asleep, so I could lay my head beside him, but Jacob had wanted a little movement but was too tired to do much. So we put up the bed rails so he could rest his arms on them.

He moved them now to make room for the plate. He eyed the fork warily as I brought it to his mouth, more than a little shame in his eyes. He hated feeling helpless, I knew. I was glad to see some old Jake back, but at the same time I just wished he'd let me help him.

"It's not a big deal, Jake," I whispered, knowing my family could very well hear everything anyway. "Come on, open up."

I realized at once that I had said the wrong thing. I'd sounded like a mother trying to coax a child into trying spinach. Jacob's face reacted negatively.

"I'm sorry, Jake, I didn't mean it like that, honey," I apologized and then sighed. I didn't know what to do. "What's wrong?"

"I can feed myself, Ness," he protested, but tiredly. Quietly. His speech may have gotten better but his voice and body were still exhausted. "I - you don't have to - "

He collapsed his head back against the bed. Straining up for only a few seconds had tired him - how did he expect to hold a plate and lift a fork back and forth from his mouth?

Thankfully, I was struck with inspiration. I sidled a little closer in my chair, strained up a little.

"I don't see why you're making this such a big deal," I said quietly, balancing the plate carefully with one hand and reaching up to press my left to his cheek. "It's not like I haven't fed you before."

I flashed him brief pictures of all the times I had fed him: pizza, pomegranates, strawberries. Jacob closed his eyes and leaned his hand into my touch, seeming to focus more on that even than the images I was showing him. My entire being melted once again - my sweet, proud husband.

"I know," he mumbled, turning his head away from my face so his lips brushed back and forth against my hand. "But that was . . . different."

I knew what he meant, but I acted as though I didn't. I knew that then it had been something erotic, that he hadn't _needed_ me to feed him. He'd been strong and in control and now he wasn't and I understood that he hated that.

But maybe . . .

"It doesn't have to be," I told him quietly, leaning forward and running my nose just under his jaw. His breathing hitched. "It can be the same as before."

"Y-yeah?"

"Mmhm," I said, trying to hide my smile in his neck. I'd won. "See?"

Momma had fixed Jacob a meal of steak, mashed potatoes and sweet carrots so I brought the cube of meat to my mouth and ate it. Slowly, since for some reason Jacob seemed to like watching me eat. He watched me, his eyes dark.

"We'll share," I suggested, spearing a whole baby carrot and taking a small bite from it. I offered the rest to him. "Okay?"

I wanted to do a dance of triumph when Jacob parted his lips and took the rest of the carrot. He chewed slowly and then swallowed. I couldn't help but smile at him.

"Thank you, Jacob," I mouthed, to which he just let his lips fall open again.

"Another bite."

I smiled at the familiar words and fed him a cube of steak, then ate one myself. I wasn't particularly hungry, and I did think Jacob should eat all he could get, but I did promise we would share.

I fed Jacob another cube of steak, which he took, but after he swallowed he eyed the fork.

"When you fed me before," he said quietly, but clearly. "You never used a fork."

I felt myself blush as I realized what he wanted. I had never used a fork before, but I'd also been feeding him pizza. Strawberries, pomegranates, things people didn't use forks for.

"Do you not want me to use the fork?" I asked, already knowing the answer. Jacob, as I knew he would, shook his head so I set the fork down. I picked up a large cube of steak with my fingers. "All right then. Open up, Jake."

He did this time, not looking ashamed at all. When I placed the meat just past his lips, they closed around my fingers gently for a short moment that left me shivering. I felt a little childish and a little more excited than I should have as I fed myself a carrot with my hand, taking half of it like before and then giving the other half to Jacob for no other reason besides the fact that I wanted the carrot shorter. Because I wanted to be closer to his mouth.

We ate slowly, piece by piece, my fingers moving back and forth between my mouth and his and soon the plate was cleared of all the meat and vegetables. Jacob's eyes watched me the entire time, making my stomach pulse but I kept control of myself.

All too soon I looked down and all was left was the mashed potatoes.

"Still hungry?" I asked him and he nodded. "Still don't want to use the fork?"

He shook his head. "Stuff tastes better from your hand."

I flushed with pleasure at his words and color at the prospect of what I was about to do. This would be very different too.

Pressing my first two fingers together, I curved them and dipped them into the mountain of mashed potatoes, scooping up as much I could. Jacob's mouth could hold it.

Jacob's lips were parted long before my fingers made it there and my heart was pounding in anticipation. It was silly, Jacob was my husband, but he still made me feel just like I did those first scary weeks when just his touch made me rub my thighs together. I slid my fingers into Jacob's mouth, trying to control my body's shudder. This was one experience I'd never had.

I'd felt Jacob's mouth on many parts of me, but I'd never had my fingers inside of it. Hot, so hot and wet. He closed his mouth around my fingers, mindful of his teeth, and sucked gently. I gasped when his tongue came up to lap the remainder of the food away. He released my fingers just as gently as he had taken them. My head was spinning.

Almost out of habit, the next fingerful I brought to my own lips, realizing what I was doing only when Jacob's eyes darkened significantly. I loved that I had the power to do that, even when I wasn't exactly sure why.

So I darted my tongue out to take the mashed potatoes from my fingers. This elicited a sharp exhale which gave me the courage to pull my fingers into my own mouth. I almost moaned, hardly even tasting the food in my mouth over the lingering taste of Jacob that remained on my fingers.

I scooped some more and brought it to Jacob's lips this time, and he took it much more eagerly than he had the first. He spent a little more time making sure every morsel of food was cleaned from my fingers before he released them this time.

"More, please," he requested, his voice rough. His eyes dark.

Who knew mashed potatoes could be so sexy?

And entirely too soon, they were all gone. The last swipe fit on the tip of my thumb and Jacob took it, sucking and then biting on the pad of my thumb very gently before releasing it. I kept it sort of pressed against his lips, not ready to lose the sensual contact I had missed and ached for so much over the past days.

Not just the contact, but the closeness. I always felt so close to Jacob when we were like this.

I moved the plate unceremoniously on the side table behind me, and used the hand near Jacob's mouth to cup his face as I leaned in. I kissed his lips softly, but he deepened it, his tongue coming out to taste the inside of my mouth and I couldn't help it, I moaned out loud. I hadn't tasted him _in so long_.

I forced myself to pull away before I could get too excited. Nothing could come of it - Jacob was still ill, not to mention my parents were just a few floors below us, hearing everything. This was the first time I could feel properly embarrassed for what we had just done, but not enough as I should have. I was married, I was grown, I was alone with my husband. My injured husband. Who could begrudge me my decision to feed him from my own hand?

No one. No one could.

I brushed my lips against Jacob's once more and then smiled. I couldn't help it. I was so happy.

"So are you going to give me any more trouble at meal times from now on?" I asked, half-teasing.

Jacob's dark eyes dropped to my mouth and his head lifted up a few centimeters to steal another kiss before he collapsed back against the bed. He was getting tired again.

"Not if they're all like that," he promised gruffly, his pink tongue coming out to wet his dry lips. The looked like they were about to crack; I'd have to get him something for them.

"As long as we're alone," I promised back, rubbing my thumb over his lips one more time. I knew he would fade back off into sleep soon and I would let him - that these were the last few minutes of conversation I'd get for awhile, hours at the very least. "They will be."

* * *

**Coming up:**

"I don't care, Jacob, I want to be with you," I beseeched, rubbing my hand on his bicep, trying to sooth in anyway I could. I passed him a feeling of love, safety and security through our connection. "I - I can deal with it."

"You're a big girl, Ness, I know you can," he bit out, straightening up his spine a little more and groaning. "But - I can't. I need you to just leave . . . for a few minutes. Please."

I felt a sharp stab of pain, rejection and hurt swirling together. I had never felt rejected by Jacob - not since that horrible day in his bedroom that started everything. That started us.

"Jacob . . . "

"Just go, Nessie, please," he said, sounding like he was barely getting the words out. He was only growing more exhausted with each passing second. "Don't make me beg, honey, just - give me a kiss and go downstairs. Trust me, baby."


	66. In Which That's Love

**_A/N:_** Hello, girls, I am here! This chapter is dealing mostly with poor Jake's Alpha-mentality and how it's affecting his ability to let Nessie care for him. It's not just the Alpha-ness, it's a masculine thing too, I think. A lot of men don't want to appear weak in front of their women/wives/mates. I think it's kind of natural, and Jacob would feel no different. Excluding the fact that he knew watching him suffer would probably tear Nessie up too.

So yes, not much else to say. Read, review, and much love, girls. 3

**_Disclaimer:_** Things I am eagerly anticipating: New Moon (and all the lovely, long-haired scenes it will be filled with), hearing results from the When Love Was New contest on the 17th, and then The Sparkle Awards shorts thereafter. Things I am not eagerly anticipating (for the reason being they will never happen): someone finally admitting that daylight savings time is absolutely useless, then following that by explaining why they call it common sense when it's so rare, along with the dinosaurs coming back for the sole reason of explaining to my friend Katlyn that no matter how much resemblance she may bear, she is not one of them. And then the final thing on that list: my inheritance of the Twilight empire from a one Stephanie Meyer.

For the people not energized or insane enough to decipher the above, that was my disclaimer. Best one in awhile, in fact. :)

* * *

In Which That's Love

* * *

_sugar, wishes don't change what is real  
or how it feels in the bad times  
for whatever he is, he is mine all the time  
and we'll get by with our true love_

_- macy gray, sweet baby_

-

I woke up, for the first time in what felt like centuries, to the sound of my husband's voice. My eyes fluttered open into the awareness of my cheek pressed against Jacob's hot thigh and his fingers resting gently in my hair.

"I won't move her, Jacob," I heard my mother's voice saying. "She wants to be there - she'd kill me if she woke up in a separate room. She's slept like that with you every night since we got back."

"I just . . . don't want her uncomfortable," Jacob's voice replied lowly and what they were talking about clicked in my mind.

"I'm - I'm up," I informed them, pushing myself into a sitting position and smiling brightly at Jacob, who was looking much more alert this morning. "No need, I'm up."

I grasped Jacob's hand in both of mine and leaned in and pressed a warm kiss to his cheek. I whispered a good morning into his ear and he murmured his answer back - behind me, Momma cleared her throat.

"Oh," I said quietly, blushing at the utter lack of concern I had just shown my mother. "Good morning, Momma."

Momma just smiled.

"Good morning, Renesmee," she said back, her face clear that she had only been joking. "I'm off to make breakfast - any requests?"

She looked at Jacob and he shook his head.

"I, uh . . . " Jacob winced a little and my heart jumped - was he in pain? "I was actually wanting to see if I could . . . take a shower first. I feel kinda gross."

I understood the wince now. Jacob was having to ask for help - he couldn't stand on his own. He'd need someone to help him to the shower, and someone to stay with him too - he'd also need a place to sit. I knew Jacob would be unable to stand for long periods of time - luckily, Alice's bathroom had a huge shower with a tile bench. But could Jacob walk that far?

"Of course," Mom said accommodatingly. I knew she was wanting to flutter over him with worry too, but that was my job - she was doing a good job of leaving it up to me. "Do you want me to . . . get Edward?"

Daddy was the best bet - or maybe Grandpa Carlisle. I'm not sure who Jacob would rather have help him.

"Edward's fine," Jacob mumbled, not meeting Momma's eyes. They fell to our joined hands. "If he isn't busy."

"He's not," I assured him, shooting Momma a look to let her know to hurry up and get Daddy up here before Jacob's pride got in the way of his common sense.

Momma left and Jacob lifted his eyes to mine once the door clicked shut behind her. He tugged my hand gently, but there was no need, because I was already leaning forward. Jacob's lips were warm and full and inviting, despite their dry-roughness, and he felt like home. I kissed him for a few too-short seconds.

I couldn't help sighing a little as I pulled away.

"So," he started, his eyes going back and forth between my lips and my eyes and it was just so hard to believe he was here and it was him and he was safe. "You can get a shower while I am if you want one . . . then can we eat, okay?"

My brow furrowed as I realized Jacob thought I was letting him shower alone - less than twelve hours after waking up from a near coma.

"I - I'm not leaving you," I informed him incredulously. "I'm going to stay with you, Jacob."

"Nessie, that's - "

"Necessary," I said, trying to be stern and tender at the same time. I placed my free hand on his cheek. "You're hurt, Jacob. You're getting better, and soon you'll be just as strong as you were before, but right now you need help - and that's okay."

"Yeah, help, but - " I could see him struggling with himself - it was like with the food. Jacob and I had showered together several times, but now he felt like it was an obligation, a service to him and he rejected it. "But you don't have to _bathe_ me, Nessie, I'm a grown man."

"You are," I agreed, figuring I'd have to take the same route as I had with the food last night - I leaned in and pressed my lips to his ear. "I know you're a grown man, Jacob, and I'm your wife. Besides, who do you think bathed you while you were . . . asleep?"

I pulled back the smallest bit to see Jacob's slightly shocked eyes, surprised and full of love. "You . . . bathed me?"

"Mhmm." I opened our connection and flashed him a quick picture of me wiping the grime from his stomach that first day, juxtaposed with a memory of the other times I had bathed him. Back home, in very different circumstances. "I can take care of you too, you know."

"I know," Jacob's voice murmured quietly, and I was surprised to feel his hand lift up to cup my cheek and pull me back a little more so he could see me clearly. "_Thank you_ for doing that."

The gratitude and love I saw in his eyes killed me. I loved this man so much.

"Jacob," I whispered, trying to shake back tears. "No - there's nothing to thank. I'm your _wife _- if, if I didn't do that for you, who would? Wouldn't you do the same with me?"

"_Of course_ I would, but Ness, that's just - " His brow furrowed as he searched for a word. "I was practically comatose - you didn't - that's just - "

"That's love," I finished, finding his word for him. I was even more shocked when Jacob pulled me in to kiss my lips. He kissed me once and then released me, keeping our foreheads pressed together as our breathing calmed. "That's love, my Jacob."

"It is," Jacob agreed, his eyes piercing mine, and kissed me once more before he removed his hand from my cheek and grasped my hand with it instead. "Edward's coming up the stairs now."

I'm sure my cheeks were still flushed and I know my heart was still pounding when Daddy walked into the room, but my shame was minimal. There was no shame at all, actually - just a little embarrassment at having an intimate moment witnessed. The moment was over, but a vampire with keen senses had surely caught it all.

"Good morning, Jacob," Dad wished as he walked into the room - he bent down and kissed my hair. "Morning, darling. So, Jacob - how are you feeling?"

"Pretty good," Jacob said, and I watched Daddy's face for signs Jacob wasn't being completely truthful. I saw nothing. "My back aches like shit and my side itches and is kinda tight, but besides that . . . "

"Do you think you're okay to stand?" Dad asked, then continued before he could reply. "And it's vital you answer that question truthfully, Jacob - you could injure yourself even more severely if you push too far. Think of Nessie."

My eyes flashed to Jacob. I knew whatever he said now would be the absolute truth.

"I think I can do it . . . if I have help," he admitted and I wanted to hug my proud husband for admitting that. "I don't think I can support my full weight."

"We can carry the bed into the hall if that's easier for you, but I don't think it will fit through the other doorway," Daddy offered, to which Jacob shook his head.

"Let's just try it like this," he decided, squeezing my hand. "I swear I'll let you know if it's too much."

Daddy nodded and walked to Jacob's bedside, letting the rail of the other side down, the side closest to the door. I hovered, anxiously, as Dad took both of Jacob's hands and helped him to sit up completely, Jacob grimacing in pain the entire time as he slid one of his legs off of the bed. I trusted my Daddy to do a good job of keeping him steady, and once Jacob was sitting up fully, I pressed my palms into the base of his back , gently but firmly, for support since he'd lost the support of the bed.

It took awhile, but finally, Jacob was sitting on the edge of the bed. His long legs touched the ground easily, but I could tell that Jacob knew standing up would bring him a lot more pain. I hated it - Daddy shouldn't have listened. We should have carried him to the hall.

"Nessie," Jacob said quietly, breathing hard through his nose. I fought back tears - I wouldn't cry now. "Can you . . . _shit. _Nessie, I need you to go downstairs, please."

What? I - I didn't understand.

"W-what - Jacob, why - ?"

"I can't - _fuck_." His face was screwed up in pain, but Daddy didn't seem too bothered, and was still breathing hard. "I don't want you to . . . see me like this, just - "

"I don't care, Jacob, I want to be with you," I beseeched, rubbing my hand on his bicep, trying to sooth in anyway I could. I passed him a feeling of love, safety and security through our connection. "I - I can deal with it."

"You're a big girl, Ness, I know you can," he bit out, straightening up his spine a little more and groaning. "But - I can't. I need you to just leave . . . for a few minutes. Please."

I felt a sharp stab of pain, rejection and hurt swirling together. I had never felt rejected by Jacob - not since that horrible day in his bedroom that started everything. That started us.

"Jacob . . . "

"Just go, Nessie, please," he said, sounding like he was barely getting the words out. He was only growing more exhausted with each passing second. "Don't make me beg, honey, just - give me a kiss and go downstairs. Trust me, baby."

The urge to cry now was stronger than ever, for more than one reason, but I fought it back. Jacob looked over at me and I didn't register anything except the request and pain in his eyes. I didn't notice Jacob had used his pet names for me in front of my Dad - or that he had asked for a kiss in front of him either.

Jacob wanted to keep the last bit of his dignity, and no matter how much it hurt me, I would let him keep it. I leaned in and pressed my hand to his cheek, flashing him love and support and showing him a picture of me downstairs, waiting for him. I kissed him quickly but tenderly, with all my love, and then forced myself from the room.

It was one of the hardest things ever, to leave Jacob when I knew he was in pain, because he wanted me to. Because he didn't want me. A sob broke through and I forced it back, swiping at my eyes - I wouldn't think of it like that. I knew about Jacob's reasoning, his Alpha mentality that forced him to feel like he had to be strong all the time. And that his love for me that was so strong it was almost unbearable made it almost impossible for him to watch me suffer - let alone while he was himself.

I hated being half-vampire more than I ever had as I listened to Jacob's curses and groans from above. I was encircled by the freezing arms of my mother - she rested her head on my shoulder and swiped a tear from my eye.

"It's hard to have a proud husband," Momma informed me, smiling, and I gave a watery laugh. I guess Daddy was pretty proud too. "But they're the best kind. Jake just loves you, sweetie."

"I know," I muttered into her shirt, clearing my throat. "I know, Momma."

She held me for awhile until we heard the click of a door being shut and a loud groan followed by an even louder curse. I wanted to cry again.

"I think they're in," Momma said, giving me a small smile I couldn't return. "Go see about your husband, Renesmee."

She didn't have to tell me twice. I was up the stairs a few seconds later and about to fling the door open when Dad's voice warned me not to enter.

"Why?" I demanded, my fingers threatening to commit mutiny and disobey me. "What's wrong?"

"Everything's fine," Dad consoled, but I wasn't sure I believed him. "Just wait."

I waited, impatient as ever, for what had to have been at least a minute. I was so caught up in my own emotions and impatience, that I was only pulled out of it as I heard the toilet flush.

Jacob and I, of course, were the only people in the family who required that appliance for anything other than a prop. But - was Jacob just using the bathroom? Was that why I couldn't enter?

God. I didn't care - he was my husband! He been literally _inside_ of me! Was there really anything else to hide from one another, especially when he was injured and needed my care?

Finally - _finally_ - the door opened and Daddy stepped out. I searched his face anxiously.

"Jacob's waiting for you. Don't worry, he's okay," Daddy said to what I'm sure was my worried face. He pulled cell phone from his pocket and handed it to me. "Keep this by you and call immediately should anything happen, regardless of what he says."

I nodded. Of course I would. I would humor Jacob's pride, but I wouldn't risk his health for it. But -

"Where are you going?"

"Your mother and I are going to go to the cottage - you and Jacob will be alone in the house," he informed me. He left out the 'so' between the two statements, but it wasn't missed. "Call when you're done, and I'll come help him back to the bedroom. You know I can literally be here in thirty seconds."

I blushed. "You - don't have to, Dad, I mean, we're just - "

"I know, Renesmee," Daddy said, kissing my hair again and making me a little more uncomfortable. I kept forgetting he was inside my head. "I love you, sweetheart."

"Love you too, Daddy," I whispered back, pushing up on my toes to kiss his cheek. I was so used to doing it with Jacob, I bounced a little too high. I pressed my hand to his opposite freezing cheek to flash him my gratitude. "Thank you."

Daddy went down the stairs to apparently get Momma and leave - a few seconds later, I saw them shooting off into the green trees from one of the bay windows. Racing. Sometimes they were a lot like me and Jacob.

I knew they were pretty much almost out of hearing range, or would be in a few seconds, so I pushed the door open slowly. It wasn't like Jacob and I were going to be having sex in the shower - of course not, he was still hurt - but I guess Dad was right (even if he didn't _say_ it), it was just weird.

I walked into Alice's room and saw the bathroom door was open so I just walked through the huge closet/dressing room where I waited for Jacob on our wedding day and to the actual bathroom door. I couldn't see the shower from there, meaning I therefore I couldn't see my husband, so I knocked on the doorframe.

"Can I come in, Jake?" I asked, since he seemed to be weird about that now.

"Sure, sure," he mumbled back a second later. "'Course, Ness."

I smiled and walked in to see Jacob sitting on the marble bench with a white towel laid across his lap, his back resting against the wall of the shower. Without thinking, I walked straight to him, stepping into the huge shower to stand in front of him. He had his lip pulled between his white teeth, chewing on it, and I rubbed my fingers gently against the lip until he released it.

"They're already so dry," I explained. "They'll crack and bleed."

Jacob just looked up at me, my head just barely clearing his, even when he was sitting down. "Okay."

I leaned down and kissed those lips softly and Jacob returned it for a few nice seconds. Jacob lifted his arm to wrap around my waist, and it was so nice, to have his arms around me after so long. But then he pulled, attempting to pull me closer against him, I suppose, and let out a harsh exhale against my lips.

I pulled back. "Did you hurt yourself?"

Jacob's face flushed red and I realized I had definitely worded that wrong - I had made him sound like a child. Again.

"I just . . . shifted weird," he explained, but I believed him. "I'm okay."

"Okay," I smiled, kissing him one more time and smiling to show him I wasn't upset. I reached for the towel in Jacob's lap. "Are you ready for a shower?"

He nodded, but when my fingers closed around the soft material of the towel and attempted to pull, I found Jacob holding it tight against himself. I gave another small tug, thinking he hadn't noticed he was still holding it, but he still didn't let go.

"Jacob?" I asked, feeling my brow knit together in confusion. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he said, too quickly, his cheeks even going dark. "Just - just - "

I attempted to move the towel away gently one more time but Jacob was still holding it. Jacob didn't _want _me to take it off. He was . . . shy?

The whole concept seemed foreign to me. Even on our wedding night - when I saw Jacob for the first time, he hadn't reacted this shyly. He'd never had qualms about being naked in front of me, even when I was still adjusting to even _seeing_ him. He always changed his clothes casually, getting dressed or undressed like it was the most normal thing in the world. I loved that about him.

But now . . . did it have something to do with the pride thing again?

I realized it might be. Jacob was already in a very vulnerable position: weak, injured, sitting, and then on top of it I was trying to make him naked, while I stood in front of him, fully dressed. I knew Jacob trusted me, and I got that it was an Alpha thing. My poor wolf.

I immediately took my hands off the towel. I knew my secret weapon to get Jacob to do what I wanted when he was uncomfortable.

"Oh, I see," I told him, trying to sound teasing. I fingered the hem of my huge sleeping shirt. "You want me to go first."

I barely had time to recognize the flash of hesitation before my shirt was over my head. I threw it out onto the bathroom floor, realizing with a jolt that I was shy too. I had a bra on, since we were in the house with my family, but - but it had been almost two weeks since Jacob had seen me like this. Pretty much the amount of time we had been married before he had to leave.

Jacob's eyes darkened as his eyes roamed over my normal white bra - I wished now I'd worn something a little more exciting. My fingers went to the drawstring of my pants as Jacob swallowed hard.

"You - you're sure Edward's gone?" Jacob asked, making me laugh. His eyes honed in on my breasts.

"Yes, I'm sure, Jake," I assured him, pushing the flannel pants over my legs and letting them pool at my ankles - I kicked them out of the shower too. The cell phone in my pocket _clunked_ against the floor. Oops. "I saw them leave."

I was standing in front of Jacob then in a white bra and yellow cotton panties - way to match, Nessie. I realized Jacob had only ever seen me in Alice's sexy little underwear sets - what if he thought I looked plain and boring like this?

But Jacob just growled, "Come here."

Of course, I obeyed.

Jacob's arms pulled me straight up against him and the bench, and his lips were against mine. He held me tight, tighter than I thought he could - wasn't it hurting him? - and kissed me forcefully. I wanted it - to give in to it, so, so bad, but I fought myself for control and toned the kiss down. I couldn't let Jacob get too excited and hurt himself, no matter how bad I . . .

"Nessie," Jacob breathed against my mouth, his hands reaching up to sweep across my back. "Nessie, I missed you so much, baby."

"I missed you too, Jacob," I whispered back, fighting back tears. Again. Joyful tears were so much better than the sad ones, though. "So much."

"I thought I was never going to see you again," he admitted and my heart twisted at what almost could've happened. "Never touch you again."

I focused on all the sensations. Jacob's skin, hot and beautiful and soft against mine and his breath, steamy and smelling like October against my lips. The cold shower tile, hard under my feet - it was strange to feel things again.

"I couldn't feel anything without you." I admitted to him, ghosting my fingers down his back and then back up again. "Everything was blurry and numb - I'm not whole without you, Jake. I need you to be me."

Jacob shook his head and I felt one of his hands lift to thread itself through my hair and pull my lips back to his. He kissed me hard for a few amazing seconds.

"I don't even exist without you," he breathed into my mouth and a tear broke loose. Mine, of course. Jacob kissed it away. "I'll never leave you again, Ness."

"Yes," I gasped. Those were the words I'd needed without even knowing it.

"I - I'll never have to," he continued, the arm around my waist sliding down so it was around my hips. Jacob's fingers tugged along the waistband of my panties and both my stomach and my heart tightened. "I - I killed them. I killed all of them."

My heart was simultaneously broken and healed by the power in his voice at those words, the love behind them, the fierceness in his eyes. I was frozen for a moment or two.

"I - I know you did, Jake," I said finally, pride swelling up in me this time. I had the strongest husband in the world. A warrior. Didn't Jacob come from a long line of warriors? "I'm so proud of you, baby."

"You're safe now and I'll never fucking leave you again," he swore, and I gasped again. He kept knocking the breath out of me in the best way possible - Jacob then took it a step further by dipping his head down to place a hot kiss to my neck. "I'm gonna bust my ass to get better and then we're going to go home and be together - I can take care of you and we'll be a family. I swear, Ness."

I - could tell Jacob now that we might already be a family, that I was pretty sure we were. But I didn't. It didn't feel right. Jacob was still kicking himself, unbelievably, over the fact that he was injured. He felt emasculated, weak and - and like he just said in less words, like he couldn't take care of me. If I told him that I could be . . . pregnant, he might panic. His guilt and insecurity would increase tenfold, and so would his worry over me.

I would wait. I would wait until Jacob was better and healthy on all levels before I told him.

"You don't have to 'bust your ass' to get better, Jacob," I told him sternly, instead. "You need to relax and let me take care of you. I know that's hard for you, my Jacob, I know it's hard. But I need you to try for me."

Jacob lifted his mouth back up to my lips and kissed me once, his eyes searching mine. "Okay, baby."

"Okay?"

Jacob made the mmm-noise and kissed me again, before whispering, "Yeah."

I smiled against his lips and let my hand drop down to his towel. I let my fingers play across the fabric covering his thigh.

"So are you going to give me this, or do I have to get completely naked before I take it from you?"

* * *

**Coming up:**

"You can't tempt me like that, Ness," he said lowly, his voice rough for a different reason than it had been last night and affecting my body like it always did. "Didn't anyone ever tell you that it's not nice to dangle treats in front of the puppy?"

I smiled at his little pun and leaned down for a kiss. It inevitably turned into something much hotter than I intended.

"I'm sorry for teasing you, puppy," I joked against his mouth as I pulled away, and he surprised me by nipping at my lip. "But that's no excuse to bite."


	67. In Which Puppies Shouldn't Be Teased

**_A/N:_** All right, ladies - I really hope you like this chapter, because I sure do. It's just a . . . reunion of sorts. Rediscovery, aftercare, recuperation, call it what you will. It's Jake and Nessie together after a long time apart. It's not lime for the sake of it, I swear, because I don't write those. I really felt so much for poor Jacob while I was writing this. Can you even imagine how he must feel? Well, if you can't, don't worry, I'll write it soon enough. :)

I do, of course, like playing with the canine puns, so . . . I hope you like those too. They're too good to pass up sometimes!

**_Disclaimer:_** I know that the Macy Gray song below (which I don't own - see, that makes it a disclaimer) does not match Jacob and Nessie's relationship whatsoever, but I think these particular lyrics, when taken in another context, can fit them perfectly. So there! There's that. And the song is beautiful, even if it doesn't match our favorite wolf and imprint.

* * *

In Which Puppies Shouldn't Be Teased

* * *

_i still  
light up like a candle burning when he calls me up  
i still  
melt down like a candle burning every time we touch_

_- macy gray, still_

-

Jacob hmm'd like he was thinking about it and then the hand that was behind me reached up my back, his hot fingers slipping under the waistband of my bra and making me shiver. With expert fingers, he unhooked the clasp.

I bit my lip in nervousness and happiness and excitement and desire as Jacob slowly drew my bra down my arms and tossed it behind me. I heard it hit the bathroom floor, but all my other senses were focused on Jacob. His skin against mine, his scent in the air, his eyes drinking in the sight of my breasts hungrily like a man stranded in the desert would water. I felt myself harden under his gaze and he growled, a low rumbling sound that I had missed, at the same time I blushed.

One of Jacob's hands reached up and cupped my breast gently, his thumb running over my nipple and eliciting a gasp from me. It had been what felt like forever since I'd felt like this - I had missed him so much.

Jacob finally dragged his beautiful dark eyes up from my breasts and they studied mine.

"You can have the towel now," he said quietly, not smiling. Not because he was unhappy, but because - well, Jacob never smiled much when his eyes were this dark.

I crinkled my nose at him, still trying to be playful. I wanted this shower to be good for Jacob, to block out his bad thoughts, but I had to be careful not to let it get too far. Nothing could happen today - Jacob was hurt, and I wouldn't take either, even though I was pretty damned sure Jacob would try to give. I would wait until Jacob could feel the pleasure with me again.

I stepped back from him a few steps, gathering my courage, before I turned my back to him. I could feel his gaze raking up and down my body, and I couldn't resist taking a peek at him from over my shoulder. His eyes were fastened, as I knew they would be, to my backside.

I took a deep breath and hooked my thumbs inside the sides of my panties, Jacob's heartbeat accelerating when I did. That gave me the courage to slowly slide my panties down, over my backside and then down my legs. When the panties resisted when it was time for them to go down my thighs, I even gave a little wiggle to send them on their way. Jake groaned at that, a sound that carried on to when I daintily kicked the panties that were hooked around my ankle from the shower.

All that was left now was Jacob's towel and then we could shower. I knew it was irresponsible to have wasted so much time; Jacob was probably exhausted and I had a lot of work to do if I expected to get his hair worked out today. It was the one thing I hadn't been able to wash while he was . . . asleep. Or brush.

I turned around, resisting the urge to cover my front, just a little. It passed quickly as I raked my eyes down Jacob's gorgeous body - to where he had begun to harden. I could see how much he liked my little show clearly through the terry-cloth.

I held my hand out towards him and wriggled my fingers. "Towel, Jake?"

Instead of nodding, or placing the towel in my hand, Jacob pulled it from his body and tossed it out of the shower in one easy movement. He didn't even wince. We took a second just to stare at each other, finally apparently not embarrassed anymore.

Then Jacob smirked a little, his eyes flitting up to mine.

"Is it time for the water part yet?" he asked, his eyes dancing.

Yes, it was definitely about time for the water part.

I shut the shower door even though it wasn't strictly necessary, with the fact that we were alone and the shower was so huge, and then walked over to where and the shower head was. Thank God it was detachable and long.

It was also tall, though, and I had to stretch out to get to it detached. I nearly jumped out of my skin when I felt the back of Jacob's fingers ghost down my back, all the way to my backside. I had forgotten just how long the man's arms were.

I tried to avoid blushing as I relaxed back down into my normal height and turned on the water, adjusting it. I turned it as hot as it would go, since I knew even that would be barely warm to Jacob's skin.

Jacob reaching his arm out to touch me had revealed his side, which I had almost forgotten was covered in a thin bandage. I dropped the shower head, which began to spray haphazardly against the lower wall and floor, and kneeled before Jacob. He looked alarmed and confused, so I put my hand on his knee to calm him.

"I forgot to remove your bandage," I explained. "Daddy said to take it off today anyway, since you're healing so good. The air will be good for it."

"O-Okay."

And that was it, so I just warned him to let me know if I hurt him - to which he scoffed - and gently began to tug the bandage down. Jacob didn't even flinch so I assumed it didn't hurt too badly - his wound was now just a slightly raised, light pink area on his body. It still needed to be treated tenderly, but no longer needed the bandage.

"It's so much better," I praised. I knew Jacob was used to being nearly invincible, healing instantly - this must be so hard for him. I brushed my fingers, softer than soft, against the lighter skin and Jacob tensed. "Does it hurt?"

Jacob shook his head, his abs un-tensing. I let my eyes linger down for a few seconds. "Just sensitive."

I straightened back up and grabbed the shower head, flashing the water on his feet for a second, surprised when he groaned.

"What's wrong?" I asked immediately.

"Nothing, Ness," Jake said, looking a little sheepish. "It just . . . feels good. It feels like forever since I've had a shower."

"Oh," I said, feeling silly. I took a step closer and got an idea. "Well, I was going to start with your hair, since I wasn't able to wash it before, but now I don't think I will."

"No, do what you were gonna do, Ness," Jacob encouraged, but I had already changed my mind. I just shook my head. "I'm fine."

"No, I think I'll pamper you a little first."

I took my time, running the shower head up one of Jacob's legs and then the other. I paused when I reached his thighs, pulling the shower head back an extra half-foot when I passed it over the most sensitive part of him. I was half-surprised to see him harden a little more.

"Does . . . that feel good?" I asked, realizing it sounded stupid as soon as I said it. I blushed red, I'm sure. "I just, I mean - "

"Yes," Jacob answered, his fingers closing gently around the handle in my hand. "Do you want to try it?"

I blushed even harder but desire blossomed in me at the same time too - I realized I _did _ want to try it. But then I remembered my promise to myself.

"Maybe later," I said quietly, pulling the shower head gently from his grip and continued to run it over his stomach. "When we can both enjoy it better."

"But you can enjoy it now," Jacob pressed, but not firmly. He reached out and held my hips as I washed his broad chest. His fingers twitched back to brush my backside.

"Not without you," I promised, smiling a little. I leaned into his ear, my breasts brushing his chest and shoulder. "When you're better, I promise we'll try it, Jacob. Both of us."

Jacob groaned, holding my hips a little tighter, but left it alone as I continued to wash him. He groaned as the water began to beat over his back.

"God, that feels good, Ness," he groaned, so I stood on my tiptoes to reach further down his back. I wanted him to feel better.

I nearly lost my footing - thank God I didn't or Jacob would have certainly tried to catch me and probably injured himself much worse - when I felt Jacob's hot mouth close around my nipple. I tried to pull down and away, but Jacob's hands slid down a little further, holding me in place by my backside, and I was too afraid to pull too hard and make Jacob hurt himself.

And besides, I could play along for a few seconds, right?

Jacob's tongue flicked over my nipple.

Right?

I moaned out loud and Jacob's hand kneaded my backside gently for one more second before he released me, letting me rest my full weight back on my heels. His eyes were dark and I'm sure mine were too.

"You can't tempt me like that, Ness," he said lowly, his voice rough for a different reason than it had been last night and affecting my body like it always did. "Didn't anyone ever tell you that it's not nice to dangle treats in front of the puppy?"

I smiled at his little pun and leaned down for a kiss. It inevitably turned into something much hotter than I intended.

"I'm sorry for teasing you, puppy," I joked against his mouth as I pulled away, and he surprised me by nipping at my lip. "But that's no excuse to bite."

Jacob grinned and I continued to rinse him off until I had gotten practically his whole body.

"Time for the hair now," I announced, and Jacob groaned.

"It's just a mess," he complained, reaching up to attempt and run his fingers through his hair but couldn't from the mats. "I should just whack it all off - it'd be easier."

"No!" I exclaimed, hardly able to hold it in. "I - just let me try to get them out. If, if I can't then . . . "

I couldn't even say it. I loved Jacob's hair so much - I hardly had any memories of his hair shorter than ear length. And I loved it when it was like this, almost down to his shoulders.

"Shh, Ness," Jake soothed, and then I felt him tug at one of my curls. "I won't cut it - I was just talking. I know how much you like it."

"But - I mean, of course I do, but if you . . . wanted - "

"I wouldn't," Jacob interrupted. "I love your hair too much - I know how I'd feel if you just decided to hack it off."

I just smiled at how sweet and amazing my husband was. I leant in and gave him _one kiss_ before I forced myself away.

"I'll get all the knots out," I promised. "I'm good at that."

Jacob nodded and I placed my hand, half on his neck and half on his jaw, my original intent to ask him to tilt his head back until I realized that might not be good for his back. So I just flashed him a picture of him with his eyes closed.

He obeyed me and I lifted the shower head to his head to soak his hair. I was surprised to see dark swirls of dirt spiral down Jacob's torso. Seems like I would have to give Jacob's body another washing down. I didn't mind at all.

I told Jacob to keep his eyes closed to avoid him getting dirt in them, and walked - yes, walked, to the other end of the shower to get the nicest shampoo Aunt Alice had in supply. I needed to work wonders right about now.

I squirted a generous amount into my hands and lathered it into Jacob's hair, which I had never done before. I had washed almost every part of his body, except his hair - it was just too far for little old me to reach. But now -

I scrubbed, firmly but gently, wanting to wash every scrap of evidence of Jacob's horrible ordeal from his body. A new beginning. When I was convinced his hair was free of all grime and dirt and . . . dried blood, I picked up the shower head and began to rinse Jacob's hair out.

It was kind of awkward, since I had to hold the handle with one hand and rinse his hair with the other but worth it to hear the satisfying groan Jacob gave at the water against his scalp.

When Jacob was shampoo free, I went in search of conditioner and grabbed the most deep-conditioning bottle I could find. I lathered it into Jacob's hair well, despite his protests he "didn't need that girl shit" and then gathered his hair all back together.

"It'll help get the tangles out without breaking your hair," I explained to him, gathering water in my cupped hand and using it to rinse Jacob's face of all evidences of shampoo or conditioner. "You can open your eyes now - I'm going to go get a brush to try and work some of them out with the conditioner in."

Jacob's eyes fluttered open just in time for his gaze to hone in on my naked body as I slipped the shower door open and hopped out. I was still mostly dry, so I didn't drip much as I grabbed the closest hairbrush in Alice's arsenal and hurried back to Jacob.

"Ready for the brush, Jake?" I asked teasingly. He scoffed.

"You've brushed my hair before, Ness," he said, rolling his eyes.

I rolled mine back. "Yes, but that was when your beautiful hair didn't have a knot to its name. Now . . . "

"I think I can handle it," Jacob decided confidently. We would see.

Jacob did end up doing surprisingly well, although he did curse at times. I offered to stop, but he wouldn't allow me and I knew I wasn't seriously injuring him - it was just his hair - so I kept on. I somehow managed to get all the tangles out, although it did take a while.

Finally, Jacob's hair was as smooth as it had ever been and I was able to wash the conditioner out - then it was _smoother_ than it had ever been. I couldn't resist walking around to face Jacob and running my fingers through his gorgeous hair - so, so relieved he would keep it.

I was surprised to feel the shocking - and slightly arousing - feeling of the shower head, beating water against my lower stomach and I jumped. Jacob had somehow reached the shower head and had pulled it into his lap. Then I noticed he had a bottle of shampoo in his hands.

"Jacob - "

"Shh," Jacob commanded, gently, but still a command and so I obeyed. "Just let me enjoy this."

Well, when he put it that way - for _his _enjoyment - it was hard to deny . . .

Even harder when Jacob lathered the shampoo in his hands and began to apply it to my body like body wash. He rubbed his slick hands across my breasts and down my stomach, up my sides and back and then down over my backside. I moaned and groaned and wriggled, trying to keep control of myself and making sure Jacob didn't move too much at the same time. He had to be exhausted by now.

Finally, Jacob picked up the shower head from where it had - thankfully? - turned sideways so it was just beating on the floor between us, and began running it over my body. He brought the head very close to my breasts so the pressure was stronger and I whined a little before I caught myself - Jacob made a low growl in his throat and continued to rinse me off tantalizingly.

He rinsed my back and legs and sides but nothing sent pleasurable, shock-y tingles through me like when he passed the shower head over my lower stomach. The muscles there tightened as my arousal grew and Jacob's nostrils flared as he detected it. He kept this up for a few more seconds before he finally stopped, leaving my legs quivering.

He dropped the shower head and pulled me in for a gentle kiss.

"You let me know if you change your mind about wanting help with that," he offered temptingly against my lips and bringing out another moan - that wasn't even fair! Jacob's fingers lingered south, and he barely traced me with his fingertips - the lightest touch on my most intimate place - before he stopped. Right when I was on the brink of throwing caution to the wind and letting him do whatever he wanted.

But he stopped at the right moment - right before I could break down and ask.

"I will, my Jacob, don't worry," I informed him, before kissing him again. I reached over and shut off the water, intending to go and fetch a towel for us, but Jacob pulled me gently back to him and his lips. "So - I take it - you don't want - me to call Daddy - right now?"

I could only get a few words in between his dizzying kisses. Jacob's grip on me tightened, just a little. He leant back until his back was flat against the shower wall, grunting slightly in pain or discomfort, and pulled me with him. I braced my hands against the shower wall and leaned my chest into Jacob's, our heights better suited with Jacob sitting than they ever were when we were standing up.

"Turn the water back on," he instructed, and I knew I had his answer. "I want to see your hair wet."

* * *

**Coming up:**

He leaned playfully over the back of Emily's couch and she turned towards him, lifting both of her babies higher in her arms.

"I will hit you with a baby, Embry, I'm not joking," Emily threatened, and Embry pretended to frown, but he straightened back up.

Then he looked at me and waggled his eyebrows. I stepped back, shocked. I knew that was just the way Embry was, playful and innocent, not meaning anything by his teasing, but it still rattled me. He'd never spoken to me like that before - I realized that it was probably because when I left, everyone still saw me as a little girl, and now I was a woman. I was Jacob's wife.

It didn't mean I had to like it. Because I didn't.

"I - I'll tell Jacob," I threatened back, trying to keep the tone Emily had, only half-serious. We both knew Embry would never make an actual attempt to kiss us, but it still made me uncomfortable.


	68. In Which Emily Will Hit Embry

**_A/N:_** All right, girls, a new chapter for you. There's some comedy in this one to lighten things up, because they're getting heavy again in the next chapter. I haven't said this in a while because I figured everyone knew, but recently I've been getting a lot of new readers who maybe haven't been reading the A/Ns and stuff and aren't up to date. *stern glare*. Anywho, I'll go ahead and announce some stuff most of the oldies already know. :)

I update _Hands on Me_ every **Monday** and **Thursday** - so that's two chapters a week, every week so far. It will continue like this, God willing. In addition to this, on these days I also update _**Undeniable**_ - _HoM_'s companion story. It followed Jake's POV throughout _Hands on Me_. I'm saying all of this again because I've been getting lots of PMs asking about when I update and a lot of them don't seem to know about _Undeniable_.

So yes, that's about it. Oh, also, I did not win the _When Love Was New_ contest, but that's okay. You can't win them all. You can go check out who did though, over at the Fictionators blog. My girl **Zomb** didn't win either, but she got a special mention, so make sure you check out her entry - and review!

And now you may read. :)

**_Disclaimer:_** I think I used up all my wittiness on that disclaimer a couple of chapters back. I've returned to Generic Land. Not mine, ladies.

* * *

In Which Emily _Will _Hit Embry With a Baby

* * *

_stones taught me to fly  
love, it taught me to cry  
so come on, courage, teach me to be shy_

_- damien rice, cannonball _

-

I eventually did call Daddy to come back, but that wasn't until at least ten more delicious minutes in the shower during which I managed to get completely soaked. I had to wring out my hair and shake off - which Jacob seemed to like - before I could hop out of the shower to grab our towels. I grabbed nearly the entire stack, to Jacob's confusion, and then annoyance when he saw what they were for.

I wrapped myself up first, and then toweled Jacob, which I insisted on doing even though that was something he could probably do himself. He couldn't bend, but his arms were long - but I'd much rather rub down his naked body myself. Who would blame me?

I used the other towels to dry off the shower floor. This was where Jacob got annoyed, but I really didn't care - I wasn't about to let him try to walk across wet tile, even with my Dad's support. That was asking for an accident! So, I dried the floor.

I slid my pajamas from before on, except for the panties because that was gross, which I balled up with the used towels to put with the laundry. Jacob's eyes darkened as he watched me slide my pajama pants on without underwear. I guess he liked it when I did that too.

Then I figured Jacob might appreciate some clothes - so I dashed really quickly to Aunt Rose and Uncle Emmett's room and dug through Uncle Emmett's drawer until I found a pair of gym shorts big enough for my Jacob. I was able to get them almost all the way up Jacob's legs, but not over his hips of course, since he was sitting down, so we'd have to wait for Dad for that. I draped a dry towel across his lap in the meantime.

So once we were both appropriately covered and the shower was wolf-proofed, I pulled the cell phone Daddy gave me from my pocket and dialed his number. Less than a minute later, he was in the bathroom with us. Which was why I dressed beforehand.

It was a little awkward, to say the least, to have my Dad walk in after he knew Jacob and I had just been in the shower together, but of course the circumstances were understandable. I was still very careful with my thoughts.

I didn't want to hear Jacob ask me to leave again, so I quickly kissed his cheek and told him I was going to change. I asked Dad mentally if Jacob could sleep in Alice and Jasper's old room since they were gone and it was close to a bathroom - I knew Jacob would appreciate not having to be in a hospital bed, but Dad didn't respond. I asked again and then realized Momma probably had her shield up - I blushed. Dad didn't want to hear our thoughts either.

"Daddy, can Jacob and I stay in this room?" I asked aloud instead and Dad replied that he had been just about to suggest it.

Glad to have another thing worked out to make Jacob more comfortable, I felt much less miserable than the last time as I left the room. I changed into fresh pajamas - and panties - quickly, listening like a hawk and a masochist for any sound of pain Jacob may have made, but heard none. Only a groan and a curse, then the creak of bedsprings as I assume he sat down.

Daddy then called for me to come in and Jacob was looking almost happy.

"It was easier for him this time," Daddy explained, filling me with happiness.

I crawled up to where he was sitting with his back against the headboard and took his hand. "Was it?"

He nodded, looking pleased with himself. "I think it was the hot water - it still hurt like hell, but nowhere like before."

"That's so good, Jacob," I breathed. Maybe it was just the first time standing up after lying for so long - maybe Jacob would get better much faster now. "Are you hungry?"

"Ah, your mother's already started on breakfast," Daddy informed me, and I just smiled, trying to show my gratitude through that, since I'd been saying it so much lately. "The others should be back from hunting later on tonight and I'm sure they'll want to see you, Jacob."

"Sure, sure," Jacob said, his face actually picking up a little. This day was full of surprises. I know Jacob loved my family, but he never really looked _forward_ to seeing them or anything. But they had just fought a war together. "If I'm asleep when they get here, wake me up."

"Are you tired?" I asked him concernedly, knowing that he was. He had to have been, after so much activity.

"A little, yeah," Jacob admitted, pulling me into his shoulder.

I looked at Daddy just before I let my weight rest on him, wanting to know if this was okay for Jacob and Daddy nodded so I went. It was so nice to lean against Jacob's side, be encased in his arms after so long. I would definitely be sleeping beside him tonight. Beside him-beside him, laid out on the same bed. I would just have to be careful not to throw my leg around him like I usually did.

"Can you wait for the food?" I asked him as Dad turned to go check on Momma, I guess.

Jacob surprised me by calling out, "Thanks, Edward."

"No need, Jacob," Daddy's voice replied, and then continued down the stairs.

Jacob looked down at me and dipped his head down to kiss my lips. I think the steam from the shower had softened his a little - that was good, because I think Jacob would absolutely put his foot down if I tried to give him chapstick.

"I can wait for the food, don't worry," he informed me, just as his stomach growled. I placed my hand there, feeling his hot skin under mine.

"I just think you should eat, is all," I explained, stretching up to kiss him again. "Can't have you getting all skinny on me."

"Yeah, I know the only reason you married me is because you like the guns," Jacob told me, grinning, holding out the arm that wasn't around me and flexing it a few times.

I laughed against his chest and reminded him, "And because you can reach the tall stuff."

Today was emotionally exhausting: crying, smiling, laughing, worry, joy - and it was still morning.

"Oh, and that," he said, rolling his eyes and making me laugh again. "But we're even, since the only reason I married you is that you're the only girl in the world who'd sit by my bed for three days and _bathe _my stupid ass after I almost went and got myself killed."

I suddenly didn't want to laugh anymore. I reached up for a longer kiss, cupping Jacob's face in my hand and letting my tongue flit past his lips. Jacob gave me a pleasant jolt when he brought his tongue out to meet mine - the sound of our groan reminded me we weren't alone in the house.

I pulled back.

"Of course I am," I whispered, letting Jacob's lips come back for one more kiss before I snuggled back into his side. "Soul mates, remember, Jacob? Fate?"

"So right, honey," Jacob answered back quietly, and kissed my hair.

We were quiet until Momma brought the food up. She sat with us, so Jacob had to feed himself his eggs and hash-browns. Once he was finished though, it was clear he was exhausted, so I helped him lie down on his back so he could get some sleep. I think it was harder for me to watch the grimaces of pain on his face than it was for him to endure the actual pain.

Momma kissed both of our foreheads and left us and I curled up against Jacob's side, resting my head on his arm after checking that it was okay with him, and pressing my face into where his side met his chest. Jacob's free arm reached over, impossibly long, and grasped my thigh, guiding it over to rest between his.

"Are you sure that's okay?" I questioned - I didn't want to do something in my sleep and unknowingly hurt Jacob.

"Unless you're planning to play some football in your dreams, I think we're good," Jacob retorted, his arm reaching down to rub my back soothingly. Then, "Thank you for this morning, Ness. That shower was just what I needed - I feel a thousand times better. Although that probably has something to do with you."

I smiled into his skin, knowing he would feel it, and reached my arm across him to rest on his other side, careful to avoid his wound.

"It's nice to lay beside you like this again," I mumbled instead, since I didn't know what to say.

Jacob sighed and pulled me against him a little tighter. "You have no idea, Nessie."

We slept.

That night when the rest of my family returned from hunting, Jacob was still asleep, but I woke him like he made me promise. It was so touching, to see my family together again like that after so long. Jacob was still tired after that, so we let him go back to sleep after he agreed we should inform the pack of his . . . return tomorrow. There was a small . . . issue when my family first walked in. Jacob's eyes surveyed them and his beautiful russet face paled. His eyes widened.

"Where the fuck is that little pixie?"

Everyone was frozen in shock for about two seconds, but I was the first to break out of it. I pressed my lips to Jacob's ear and my hand to his pounding heart, and whispered the explanation in his ear.

"They're fine, they're safe - Aunt Alice and Uncle Jasper are in Italy," I whispered hurriedly. "Leah's with them too - they're working out the new . . . government, or system, or whatever."

Jacob's body sagged against the bed and then Daddy and Grandpa Carlisle jumped in with the rest of the details I hadn't received. It didn't miff me as much as it should have - I hadn't been too interested in anything besides Jacob since his return to even get that information.

Well, Jacob or - I pressed my hand to my stomach, thankful Momma's shield was up. But I'd still have to be careful - I never knew when she might take it down.

The next few days were a blur - Jacob healed rapidly. Well, rapidly for his new pace, and slept less and less although still more than usual. The house was full of wolves the second Daddy informed Sam. Not just wolves, imprints too - everyone turned out to welcome Jacob back.

The only time I left Jacob's side at all that day was when the wolves first arrived. I kissed Jacob soundly at the sound of their approach and whispered in his ear that I'd be just downstairs. He swore he didn't mind if I stayed, but I knew it was important to give him time with his brothers.

I opened the door to Quil, Seth, and Embry, the first to arrive. It was the most touching thing to see the looks on their faces at they walked through the door - I watched them from the doorway for a few seconds, leaning down to hug Jacob much, much more carefully than they would have under normal circumstances. Still while maintaining their unbreakable masculinity, of course.

I shut the door quietly behind me and made my way downstairs.

Claire and Natalie were sitting together on the couch in the living room. It looked like none of the wolves were separating from their imprints for very long these days. Claire jumped up when she saw me and ran up and hugged me tight around the waist, burying her cheek in my breast. I hugged her back, reaching down twist my fingers through her hair. She had beautiful straight black hair, like all the Quileutes.

"No braid?" I asked her, teasing. I met Natalie's eyes from over Claire's shoulder and she smiled.

"Quil likes it better down apparently," she explained, fluttering her eyes, for my benefit since Claire obviously couldn't see. "_Somebody's_ got a crush."

Claire yanked away from my stomach suddenly, her mouth a gaping 'O'. She rushed to Natalie and shoved her shoulder, shushing her. Natalie just laughed.

"Quiet, Natalie, that's not even funny," she scolded, horror-stricken, half-whispering. "You _know_ how good Quil hears!"

I bit back a smile as I stepped deeper into the living room - Natalie stood, a little awkwardly, as I approached. She'd probably learned a lot of things since she had seen me last - things about where I came from and what my family was and what it all meant. I knew Seth was really progressive as far as vampires went, but . . .

"Hi, Nessie," she said, a little shyly, and then offered her arms out.

I accepted her hug, relieved.

"Hi, Natalie," I said as I wrapped my arms her back.

It was a quick hug, but still touching. I didn't know how accepted I'd be by Natalie - I was just realizing how wonderful Emily had been. Most humans would at least cringe - if not run away at full-speed - at the sight of a half-vampire vomiting blood into a toilet. But she just held back my hair and comforted me when I was done, held my secrets.

I suddenly wanted to see Emily very badly. I never _had_ thanked her.

I sat down on the couch and Claire sat between us, crossing her legs under her. I set the remote in her lap, but she ignored it, turning to face me.

"Is Uncle Jake feeling better?" She asked, wide-eyed and innocent. She was so sweet - I knew she hadn't been given the details. But Natalie, judging by the look on her face, had.

"He's doing _much_ better, Claire, thank you," I said, unable to restrain my smile. This morning, when Daddy came to help Jacob to the bathroom, he made the entire trip without cursing once. I leaned back to look at Natalie. "How is Seth?"

I'd seen him just now and before when he'd come to visit Jacob, but I wanted to extend her the same courtesy Claire had shown me. She was a wolf girl too, after all.

"Oh, he's almost completely healed now," she said, brightening up and sitting up a little more. "Your - Doctor Carlisle said it would only be a few more days before Seth could . . . go back to his regular activities."

Meaning phasing. I guess Natalie still wasn't comfortable with it all yet - who could blame her?

I had the sudden thought - or hope, that Seth wasn't upset at me for spilling the beans. I'm sure he understood; it had already been unbearable for her to be under the stress she was, without not knowing on top of it all.

"That's great," I said honestly. I really was glad to see Seth getting better - he wasn't even wearing his sling today. "It'll be a while yet before Jacob's that far, but - he's getting better and that's all I can ask for."

Then, to not necessarily my surprise, but definitely my pleasure, there was a knock at the door. Which opened to reveal Sam and Emily.

I stood up, but didn't attempt to hug Emily over a fussy Katie in her arms. Sam was holding Dylan, who he handed to Emily when she was situated, then greeted us.

I knew the reason they were here, so I pointed Sam towards the stairs.

"It's the first door on the left," I explained, even though I knew Sam would easily be able to tell with his werewolf senses where Jacob was. "Quil, Embry, and Seth are already up there."

As if he didn't know that already too. Sam nodded and thanked me, leaning down to kiss Emily's forehead tenderly and brush his fingers over little Katie's cheek before heading to the stairs. He was met by the three werewolves in question as he started up.

They exchanged loud greetings and pats on the back before Sam continued on his way up the stairs. Claire immediately hopped up and strode to Quil, and he lifted his arm so she could lean under it.

"Can I go up and see Uncle Jake now?"

I smiled at 'Uncle Jake' - it was so strange to hear her say. Because if Jacob was her uncle, that made me her aunt by extension - and Claire was older than me! It was good that Claire just saw me as her friend - and maybe, strangely - her older sister. I wasn't ready to be someone's aunt.

Although - my fingers fell down to press against my stomach and I noticed Emily's eyes watching me - I may be about to be somebody's mother. My entire body wanted to shudder with excitement and fear, but I reeled it back. I was suddenly very anxious for everyone else to leave.

"Not right now, sweetie," Quil said, ruffling her hair. Claire's cheeks flared red, as much as copper colored cheeks like hers could do. "Your uncle Jake's feeling pretty beat, but don't tell him I said that. Besides, I told your mom I'd have you home like - five minutes ago."

Claire sighed. "Fine, but can we at least call her from the car and tell her we're stopping to get ice cream?"

I watched Quil look down and Claire before sighing a sigh I knew well.

"Okay, Claire-bear, but you're talking to her," Quil decided, giving in to the imprint like Jacob had done for me a thousand times when I was younger. "And we've got to make it quick, so let's go. Bye, you guys."

Everyone bade Quil and Claire goodbye, who waved enthusiastically from under Quil's arm. She looked happy about her extra couple of stolen moments.

Seth laughed and walked over to Natalie, taking her hand and pulled her gently up. He kissed the corner of her lips and I felt my heart warm. Whatever reservations Natalie may have had about what Seth was and the world she had found herself in, she didn't seem upset at all about that kiss.

"I know you wanted to meet, Jacob, Nat," Seth told her quietly, making me wonder if it was a wolf thing that made them all make up nicknames for their imprints. Maybe it had something to do with having chose the name, like it was a claim. I know that's how it felt with me and Jacob. "But Sam's up there now and Quil was right when he said Jake was looking tired. Is it okay if you meet him another time?"

"Of course, no rush," she said, dropping her forehead onto Seth's shoulder. I think we were all watching them. "I hope you did tell him what I said though, about him feeling better?"

"I did, and he said thank you," Seth assured her, stepping back and wrapping his good arm around her waist. He was shorter than Jacob and Natalie was taller than me, so they could walk that way comfortably. I was a little jealous. "You about ready to head out?"

"Oh my God, am I the only normal one here?" Embry complained loudly. "What if I want to kiss somebody?"

He leaned playfully over the back of Emily's couch and she turned towards him, lifting both of her babies higher in her arms.

"I will hit you with a baby, Embry, I'm not joking," Emily threatened, and Embry pretended to frown, but he straightened back up.

Then he looked at me and waggled his eyebrows. I stepped back, shocked. I knew that was just the way Embry was, playful and innocent, not meaning anything by his teasing, but it still rattled me. He'd never spoken to me like that before - I realized that it was probably because when I left, everyone still saw me as a little girl, and now I was a woman. I was Jacob's wife.

It didn't mean I had to like it. Because I didn't.

"I - I'll tell Jacob," I threatened back, trying to keep the tone Emily had, only half-serious. We both knew Embry would never make an actual attempt to kiss us, but it still made me uncomfortable.

Embry's face immediately paled as much as his complexion would allow, and I only felt half-bad. Jacob wouldn't be very comfortable with it either, I knew.

Seth laughed out loud.

"There you go, Nessie, you've learned how to deal with him already," he praised, nudging me with his elbow and then wincing. I saw Natalie's face follow suit. "He won't say another thing to you - Emily's always been too nice to threaten to tell Sam. Besides, Embry's a little scared of her on her own anyway."

Emily smiled absently, cooing down at Dylan. Embry rolled his eyes.

"Well . . . I'm not."

"Whatever, you imprinted people are boring," he decided, and when that drew no reaction from Seth beside me, I took it that Natalie had been let on in that little secret as well. "I can't wait until Leah gets back from ruling leeches over there in Europe - at least she wasn't so damn serious all the time."

Seth just rolled his eyes and guided Natalie towards the door - she turned back and waved at Emily and me shyly.

"Come on, Embry, let's go before Jacob hears you and hurts himself trying to phase and come down here and kill you."

I realized with a jolt that was a possibility. Not the killing part - Embry was Jacob's brother, but I knew how protective Jacob was. If he heard and got too upset - if he phased -

"Don't worry, Nessie, he can't hear - you think I would have said it if he could?" Embry assured me, rolling his eyes. "Although he'll probably see it the next time we phase - then I'll have double-shifts for like a month, _if_ I'm lucky. The things I do for a joke . . . "

He trailed off and waved us bye, following Seth and Natalie out the door. Finally alone with Emily. I sat down beside her, taking a sleepy Dylan out of her arms without a word, so we both had free arms to hug each other with. I wrapped mine around Emily's neck and she wrapped hers around my waist. I hadn't seen her since the day Jacob returned - my thoughts since then had been consumed by him.

"Oh, Nessie, I'm so glad he's okay," she whispered in my ear.

"Me too," I answered back quietly, trying to bite back tears. I was done crying - everything was amazing, and I had no reason to. "God, I'm so glad."

"Is - is your father here?"

"N-no," I stuttered uncertainly. Why would Emily care where Daddy was? "He's at the cottage. Why?"

I hadn't even noticed all the tension she had been holding in her body until she released it. She exhaled deeply and pulled back, sinking back against the couch.

"I've been reciting every song, poem, and show-tune I could think of inside my head since we turned down your driveway," she explained quietly, and I realized. She was trying to keep my secret. "Have you - have you told Jacob?"

"No," I admitted, and Emily's eyes widened, but she didn't look surprised. I rushed to explain. "I - I know I should, but he's - he feels so bad, Emily. He hates being taken care of, he doesn't want me doing anything for him, like he's . . . failing me or something. If I tell him now . . . "

"He'll be happy, of course," Emily finished for me, nodding. "But he'll feel worse."

"Exactly," I whispered, relieved that she understood. I knew I was doing the right thing, but at the same time felt like I was deceiving Jacob. He deserved to know. Just . . . not yet. And no one else could know before then.

"But Nessie, you're - even if you are, you're still very early on, but . . . you've _got _to get to a doctor soon," Emily said firmly, yet still gently. I felt an even worse kind of guilt. "Sooner rather than later, you're going going to have to tell _somebody_."

I clung to the small part of Emily's sentence that didn't make me feel like a horrible . . . half-human being. I was still early on. Most women didn't even find out about their pregnancies until they were several _months_ along. I wasn't even two weeks.

And I would. I would tell someone soon. I would tell Jacob. The very second I knew he was better, I would tell him.

I just hoped he healed quickly.

* * *

**Coming up:**

"Why?" I asked back, confused. I absently traced Jacob's side with fingertips and I was shocked when Jacob's hand came down to stop my wrist. "D-did I hurt you?"

"No," Jacob answered, his eyes on mine making me want to shiver from the pure intensity. "W-why do you miss looking at me? Why would you want to?"

Why would I want to? What in hell was he talking about? What did this have to do with anything - was he evading my question again? From the expression in his eyes, it didn't look like he was. It looked like my answer was very important to him.

"For - for the same reasons you like to look at me, I guess," I answered quietly, watching Jacob's expression carefully. "I love . . . your body, and the way it is. I love the color of your skin and how big you are, how strong - you _know _I like your muscles. I like . . . the way your skin feels next to mine when we sleep . . . Jacob - what - ?"

"Even when I'm all scarred up?"


	69. In Which Jacob is More Than Beautiful

**_A/N:_** All right, girls, I have to say that this chapter is a favorite of mine. I'm really enjoying the role reversal that's going on between Jake and Nessie right now - things will eventually get back to normal, but this is good for their relationship. Balance; it's always been there, but now all of you are seeing it.

This chapter is really important, dealing with Jacob's insecurities for once, because he does have them. Even if he's a big boy, and hides them well.

Also, something I'd like to bring attention to - a few of people have mentioned what appears to them to be the lack of bond between Nessie and her family. Nessie is very close with her family, she talks with them, has relationships with them, you just don't see it because I didn't write it. I do think I show enough of Nessie's relationship with others for this particular story, since the focus of it is she and Jake's relationship.

So the lesson to take away is basically, just because you don't see it doesn't mean it isn't there.

Anyway, saw New Moon. Twice, don't any of you judge me. Couldn't pay me to watch Twilight again, but New Moon was infinitely more appealing even if it made me want to kick Bella in the teeth. Ahem. But yes. I'm a J/N author, you can't change my nature. Hope you all get to see it and enjoy!

**_Disclaimer:_** I'm late, but I'm here, and I don't own it. I do own a sore side from laughing through New Moon with my Momma - don't judge me, we can pick at anything. How strange that the only time I've ever been told to keep it down in a movie theater is with my mother.

* * *

In Which Jacob is More Than Sort of Beautiful

* * *

_underneath your clothes_  
_there's an endless story  
__there's the man i chose  
__there's my territory_

_- shakira, underneath your clothes_

_-_

Grandpa prescribed some physical therapy exercises for Jacob and he was at them constantly, working through grimaces of pain and low curses until I asked him to stop or Grandpa Carlisle told him that was enough. I knew he wanted to get better, but he couldn't overwork himself - at some point, extra stretching was just causing himself unneeded pain. I understood the need for some of it, but even Grandpa Carlisle said himself, most of the healing would come with time.

Soon though - two days later, actually - Grandpa gave us the good news. As soon as Jacob could get up and down from the bed on his own, he could go home. He really wasn't in any _danger_ anymore, but we couldn't return home when Jacob still needed assistance getting up and down, something I couldn't help him with since I wasn't strong enough to support his weight.

I half-wished the idea of blood wasn't intolerable to me anymore - I would have loved to be able to strengthen myself for Jacob so I would be more able to help him and Grandpa would let us go home earlier. I knew he would heal better once he was home - I was sure of it.

Then that night, as I was getting ready for bed, I looked up from washing my face in the sink as I caught Jacob's scent. Strong and enveloping and - _close. _

I looked over my shoulder to see Jacob standing in the doorway of the bathroom, leaning against the frame. His breathing was a little heavy, but other than that, he looked fine. Perfectly, gloriously fine. Maybe a little tension around his brow, but . . .

"Jacob," I breathed.

I was hardly able to restrain myself from running to him and throwing myself in his arms. It was overwhelming to see him like this, standing, on his own, drawn up to his full, amazing height. I hadn't seen him like this since the day he left.

I hadn't realize how much I missed it until I had it.

"I can stand up on my own now," he said quietly, and I was already at his side. He looked down at me, he hadn't looked down at me for _weeks_, and I bit back tears. "It's . . . not easy. I need something to hold onto to get up, and - when I walk. But it's enough to get from the bed to the bathroom and back . . . we can go home, Ness."

Home. With Jacob. Yes.

A tear, a happy, happy tear slid down my cheek as I ran my hand gently up Jacob's chest, playing with the cotton of his shirt.

"I'm so proud of you, Jacob," was all I could say. I wanted to lean into his strong chest and let him hold me, but I knew he wasn't strong enough for that yet. "This has to be so hard for you, and . . . "

"It's for you, Ness," he said quietly, reaching up with his free hand that wasn't holding the doorframe to wipe a tear from my eye. "I wouldn't have a reason to get better if it wasn't for you."

He wouldn't have been hurt either if it wasn't for me, but I knew better than to say that.

"Let's go to bed, Jacob," I suggested, knowing he would be tired from his exertion though he wouldn't want to say it. It was amazing how phenomenally happy I could be, even though Jacob was injured. He was _healing_, getting better everyday, and my happiness only grew as Jacob's health did. "We've got a big day tomorrow."

We're going _home_.

Jacob smiled and took a slow, cautious half-step, turning his body to the side so I could fit around him out of the door. I ignored this and placed my hands on his side.

"Nope, Jake," I said, wondering how I could phrase this without triggering his pride again. "I haven't seen you walk in _weeks_. I want to watch."

I could easily watch Jacob walk to the bed from the bedroom, so that excuse was flimsy as it could be and I was sure Jacob would see through it. That his brow would furrow and he'd get that frustrated look that he did when he left like someone was treating him like he was helpless, when he _felt_ helpless.

But he just shot a very sexy, very Jacob grin.

"You little perv," he teased playfully. "I thought I was the one who liked to watch you walk away."

I blushed when I realized how Jacob had chosen to take it, but I wouldn't contradict him. I knew that he knew what I meant and was deciding to tease me instead of letting his pride take over - I was proud of him. I would let him have that shot.

Besides, I liked watching Jacob walk away too.

"Hey," I said back, stepping closer and running my hand a little higher up his side, feeling the hard muscles there. "It's not my fault I've got such a sexy husband."

"Sexy, huh?" Jacob asked, his eyes darkening, and I nodded. Then he sighed. "I want to kiss you so bad right now, Nessie, but . . . "

I knew what Jacob wanted to say, and I wouldn't make him say it. He still couldn't bend his back. Oh, how I missed the days when Jacob wanted a kiss and he would just snatch me up into his arms, clear off of my feet, to take it.

We would be like that again soon. But until then -

"Well, let's get back to bed then, so you can."

I hovered anxiously behind Jacob as he turned, completely using his feet so his back didn't move at all, and headed back into the room. He used the wall for support, taking even steps, and I knew why Jacob made me leave before. It was hard for me to watch him, even like this. And now he was a hundred times better than he had been before - he was walking on his own! With much less pain.

When he got to the bed, I rushed to his side to throw the covers back for him, and he turned carefully again so he was facing me. Then I watched, trying to control my face as I knew Jacob was trying to control his, as he gripped the bedpost hard and slowly lowered himself down onto the mattress.

He squeezed his eyes shut tight and cursed as the last of his weight settled onto the bed, but he seemed fine once he opened them.

"See?" He said, opening his arms wide and trying, I know, to make light of his pain. "I did it all by myself, just like a big boy."

I smiled and went to stand in between his legs. Like with the shower bench, even though Jacob was sitting down, we were still just about the same height. I cupped his cheek and projected him my surprise followed by overwhelming joy to see him standing behind me in the bathroom, while I leaned down and kissed his lips.

He kissed me back for a few short seconds before he broke away, but it was enough to have got me going. How long would it be before Jacob was well enough for us to . . . be together again? Probably a while, and I would wait as long as it took - but getting home was the first step.

"This big boy about ready for bed?" I asked as I reached down to tug his t-shirt up.

There were a couple other jokes I could make with Jacob's big boy comment, but I'd save those for another time. I was disappointed when Jacob skillfully manipulated my hands, taking them over with his and sliding them up his shoulders.

He'd been wanting to sleep in his shirt lately, and I couldn't figure out why. Last night, he'd cracked some joke about me being tempting enough when he had all his clothes on, but it was just that - a joke. I decided not to push it though - Jacob was being self-conscious about weird things all of a sudden and maybe he just got tired of being half-naked in front of my family all the time.

But now we were alone in - for all intents and purposes - our room.

"Why don't you like to take your shirt off anymore, Jacob?" I asked suddenly, abruptly, and it was out before I could call it back.

I probably could have been more sensitive about it, but there it was. Jacob's eyes took on a hooded look, like he was ashamed. He leaned forward and kissed me softly, his tongue coming out to tease my lips, distract me.

"What if I was trying to do that thing where you go first?"

Because I knew my Jacob better than anyone else on the planet, even myself, I knew he was evading again. Teasing, trying to distract me. But I wanted to get to the bottom of it - the complete truth (I firmly did not think about how I wasn't telling the complete truth).

So I stepped back out of Jacob's arms and pulled my sleeping shirt over my head, dropping it to the floor. I watched Jacob's eyes hone in on my breasts, watched them darken and then felt myself harden under his gaze. At least I still had my bra on.

I stepped back between Jacob's legs, only allowing him one kiss when he tried to capture my lips. I reached down and grasped the hem of his shirt again.

"Your turn, right?"

"Ness - "

"Why, Jacob?" I whispered into his lips, and then kissed them. "Tell me, please."

Jacob groaned a little, but not in the good way, and said against my lips, "You can take it off if you want."

"That's not even the point, Jake," I tried to explain, slipping my fingers under the hem of his shirt to caress the hard muscles of his stomach. "I just want you to be comfortable - and I _know _you're not comfortable sleeping in a shirt. So I want to know why you're wanting to all of a sudden."

"I dunno, it's just . . . " I racked and racked my brains for any possible idea of what could be the problem, and found none. "No reason, just . . . "

He looked so confused - and for a second - so young, not like my strong husband. Like the day with the pomegranates when I made Jacob tell me his favorite part. It seemed like tonight I would be making him tell me something else too. But I suddenly felt like I had been too harsh. Maybe it was another pride thing.

"Besides," I added, sliding my hand a little higher, over, until I felt the extra-smooth skin of Jacob's scar under my fingertips. His body tensed. "I miss looking at you. I'm not used to seeing you all covered up so much of the time."

"Why?"

"Why?" I asked back, confused. I absently traced Jacob's side with fingertips and I was shocked when Jacob's hand came down to stop my wrist. "D-did I hurt you?"

"No," Jacob answered, his eyes on mine making me want to shiver from the pure intensity. "W-why do you miss looking at me? Why would you want to?"

Why would I want to? What in hell was he talking about? What did this have to do with anything - was he evading my question again? From the expression in his eyes, it didn't look like he was. It looked like my answer was very important to him.

"For - for the same reasons you like to look at me, I guess," I answered quietly, watching Jacob's expression carefully. "I love . . . your body, and the way it is. I love the color of your skin and how big you are, how strong - you _know _I like your muscles. I like . . . the way your skin feels next to mine when we sleep . . . Jacob - what - ?"

"Even when I'm all scarred up?"

It took me a few seconds to even process what he was asking me. Even when I'm all scarred up . . . meaning what? Meaning I wasn't supposed to - that I was supposed to have an aversion to Jacob because he had a scar now?

"J-Jacob . . . what are you saying?"

"I - I don't want you to feel bad, honey, and I _don't_ blame you at all . . . but I see the look on your face every time you look at it," Jacob said roughly, shocking me. "I know it's ugly, and it fucking sucks that it looks like it's going to be permanent, but . . . I can't do anything about that. I don't want to make you look at it though."

I couldn't say anything. I was frozen. Jacob thought I thought his scar was _ugly_. That I didn't want to see him without his shirt - that I was just what, doing some noble suffering by asking him to take it off?

"Jacob Black," I managed quietly after a few long seconds of shocked silence. I gathered the material of his shirt up in my hands, half-up his stomach. "You take this shirt off right now."

Jacob lifted his arms and I remembered to be careful as I pulled the shirt from his body and threw it to the floor.

"Nessie, you don't have to - "

"To what?" I asked him, trying to win my own inner battle. I couldn't decide whether I was more heartbroken by Jacob's insecurity or more hurt that he could even contemplate that I would find anything to do with him _ugly_. "To look at my husband? My handsome, sexy, _beautiful_ husband?"

Jacob reached up and cupped my cheek, pulling me a little closer. He kissed me softly.

"I'm not . . . fishing for compliments, honey," he actually said against my lips. I kissed him harder because I didn't know what else to do. "I already told you that I don't blame you - "

"Jacob!" My voice was barely a whisper. I wasn't sure how he had even come to the conclusion he had, let alone how to get the truth through to him. I took a deep breath to steady myself and pulled back from Jacob's mouth so he could look straight into my eyes. "When . . . every time I see your scar, it does . . . make me sad."

Jacob opened his mouth to say something - probably to apologize or something equally ridiculous, but I cut him off.

"It makes me sad because all I can think about every time I see it is . . . some . . . monster _clawing_ you open." I shuddered, another tear slipping loose at just the thought. I was spending so much of my time crying lately. "I think about how much pain and suffering you had to go through . . . for me. And that makes me sad, and angry, but the scar . . . "

"Nessie - "

"Jacob, your scar is beautiful."

Jacob stopped. All of him, everything he was doing. His lips stopped trying to explain, his hands stopped trying to pull me closer. The only thing that kept on was his heart, and even that faltered for a second.

"What?"

How could I explain it?

"Your scar . . . don't get me wrong, I wish you didn't have it," I told him, cupping his cheek, hurrying to finish explaining. "But only because that would mean you never had to hurt. The scar in itself, though . . . Jacob, it's a part of you. Of course it's beautiful."

Jacob's heart sped up, the smallest bit. Then, when I started to lower myself to my knees, it sped up a lot.

"Ness - what are you doing?"

I walked on my knees until I was right against the bed, my breasts pressing into Jacob's lower stomach, right where his gym shorts ended. I pressed back the shudder of my own pleasure and wrapped one of my arms carefully around Jacob's hips. Then I looked up at him.

"I'm going to show you," was all I said.

Then I leaned to the right, under Jacob's arm, tugging the side of his shorts down as far as they would go. I could barely reveal where the edge of the scar ended, but it was enough. I leaned down and, mindful that the newly healed skin was still sensitive, tenderly pressed my lips to it.

I don't know if it was because the newer skin was thinner or not as rough, but it was hotter under my lips than the older, unharmed skin inches from it. Softer too. I placed one kiss and pulled back.

"Your scar," I said, leaning back in to press another soft kiss a little higher up, parting my lips the smallest bit when I did. "Is a sign of how . . . strong . . . and how brave . . . you are. A sign . . . of how much . . . you love me. A sign . . . that my husband . . . is the strongest . . . warrior . . . that I've ever . . . met. That he fought for me . . . and killed for me . . . and beat . . . even death . . . to get back to me."

I kissed up the scar, higher and higher each time, pausing between kisses to explain to Jacob exactly what his scar meant to me. Until finally, I was at the very top - Jacob had actually lifted his arm, sliding his hand down my back so I could continue. When I was at the end, out of wounded flesh to kiss, I parted my lips slightly more than before, reaching my tongue out to lightly taste the skin there.

Jacob groaned loudly and I bit back my own. Just as sweet, if not sweeter.

The next thing I felt were Jacob's hands, twining themselves into my hair and guiding me back up from the crouch I had lifted myself into to my feet.

"I love you so much," was all he said before he crushed our lips together.

The passion Jacob was kissing me with now rivaled even those first, relieved kisses in the shower the first morning after he woke up, when he confessed that he thought he'd never see me again. He kissed me strongly, dominating the kiss, claiming my lips, and I gave myself over to him.

I pressed my hand to his cheek and showed him his body through my eyes, before he was injured and after, and how absolutely nothing had changed for me. His scar to me was . . . well, a battle scar - not anything disfiguring or . . . or ugly. I showed Jacob how he could have come back with half of his face scarred and I still would have thought he was the most beautiful man I'd ever seen.

Jacob moaned, pulling me closer, and I could feel his hardness easily, straining against my stomach. I groaned, hating what I had to do, as I disentangled my lips gently from Jacob's. He let me go with a few short, deep parting kisses, but I was the saddest about moving my lower body away from his. I wished I could alleviate some of his tension for him, but we were in a house filled with my family and he still wasn't well.

I wasn't an expert, but if Jacob could hardly stand on his own, and even then with pain, I doubted . . . thrusting his hips could be any good for his back.

"You're always beautiful to me, Jake," I said in parting, since I knew Jacob probably wouldn't want me to acknowledge his . . . excitement. I knew he could smell mine, and the knowledge that we both wanted each other so badly didn't help us to abstain at all.

The only thing that helped me was knowing Jacob wasn't ready, whatever his hormones might be telling him. I wanted him so badly, but I wasn't about to let him injure himself worse on account of my lust.

Jacob reached up and wrapped his fingers around the base of my neck, pulling me in for another, longer kiss. His hand kept my face exactly where he wanted it, so when he pulled back he could kiss my cheeks and then my eyelids.

So tender, and so . . . God.

"Thank you so much, honey," he said finally, opening his eyes and shocking me with them. He always shocked me with his damn eyes. "I know that you're not . . . superficial, and you've been so amazing - I was just, feeling pretty shitty about myself, I guess, and . . . "

"Don't." I reached up and brushed his lips with my finger. He kissed gently, like he always did. "Let's just sleep, Jacob - we've got a big day tomorrow. We're going home."

His lips spread under my finger as he grinned, showing his bright white teeth. His arms released me gently and he leaned back on his hands. I watched his eyes fall to my breasts and then darken - I fought the urge to flash my eyes down to see exactly how much he liked what he saw.

I watched as Jacob, only wincing slightly, pushed himself back on the bed using mostly his hands. He flinched a little harder and his breathing got uneven as he lifted his legs up, but once he was lying back against the several pillows stacked up behind him, he looked fine.

"So . . . " He said, reaching out and taking my hand, guiding me carefully onto the bed and over him to his opposite side. "Now that I'm back to not wearing shirts anymore . . . I think that once we're back home, you shouldn't either."

I smiled back at him and burrowed myself under the covers that Jacob had pulled across himself. He lifted his right arm and let me snuggle under it, sharing his huge stack of pillows.

"Whatever you want, Jake."

"Don't tempt me, Ness," Jacob said, leaning down so his lips were at my ear. I shivered. "I'll start going without shorts too."

"Promise?" I teased back, turned my head to smile up at Jacob but I saw that his face was serious again.

He leaned down and took my lips again in a firm kiss that, of course, left my head spinning.

"Thank you so much for taking me however, Nessie," he said when he was done. I ran my tongue over my lips to see if I could still taste him there - I could. "I know I - I've been annoying the past few days when you're . . . only trying to help me. It's just hard."

"I know, Jake," I said, absolving him. Of course. He couldn't apologize for his nature - he was an Alpha. I loved that about him - I wouldn't have it any other way. "I know it's hard for you, but I think . . . at home, it'll be easier, right?"

I was pretty sure Jacob would feel more comfortable letting his guard down at his home - our home. The Black residence.

"I think it will," Jacob agreed, and I felt relief. "I know you're tired of me being all Alpha and macho, but Nessie - I really can't wait until I can be your husband again. How I'm supposed to be."

"I am still your wife and you are still my husband," I told him firmly, lifting my thigh and resting it gently between his. "You were my husband when you left, you were my husband when you were asleep, and you're my husband now."

"I know that, Ness," he said, leaning down and nuzzling my hair, making all of my put-on firmness melt away. "But I miss taking care of you, doing things for you. I miss being able to lift you up and carry you to our bedroom."

And even though he didn't say it, I knew he missed what never failed to happen in our bedroom once we got there. I did too, but I knew telling Jacob that wouldn't make him feel any better.

"Soon, Jacob," I promised, kissing his shoulder before resting my cheek there. "Weren't you the one always telling me to slow down?"

Jacob laughed, a deep, rich, beautiful sound.

"God, that seems like years ago," he said, and I knew he was right. Jacob and I had always been close, inseparably close, but nothing compared to once we were married and knew each other's bodies inside and out. "I can't imagine not being with you like this."

"It's because this is how we were meant to be," I reminded him, thinking back to all the other times Jacob had tried to explain it all to me. "I was born for you, remember?"

"I remember," Jacob said, pressing his lips to my forehead. "But I'm pretty sure I was the one that was born for you - you just got here late."

I laughed, amazed how Jacob and I could switch back and forth so fast. From laughing to crying and serious to lighthearted, all of it as amazing as the next.

"We'll argue about it tomorrow," I decided, settling a little more comfortably against my personal heater. Jacob wrapped his arm tightly around me, its impossible length allowing him to wrap it around my body entirely and rest his palm lightly against my stomach.

"At home," Jacob said, sounding happy, his voice sounding like he was getting ready to drift off. I had been about to, but now I was stuck on a thought.

I still didn't know, of course . . . I had nothing to go on but some circumstantial evidence and my own gut instinct. But if I was right - and I knew I was - Jacob was closer right now than he had ever been to our baby.

With this thought, and the knowledge (hope?) that just under where Jacob's hot hand rested, a piece of each of us thrived, I slept.

* * *

**Coming up:**

Jacob's free hand reached over and grasped my thigh and pulled it, turning my body until I was straddling his thighs on the couch. "I want you just . . . like this."

"But . . . Jacob - " I pulled back from him and supported my weight firmly on my knees. "I can't, I'll - "

"You're not going to hurt me, Nessie," Jacob promised, the hand cupping my backside attempting to pull me down to settle against his body. "It's my back that's fucked up, honey, not my legs. I want to feel you against me, Ness, come on."

I couldn't say anything to that - and it did make sense - so carefully, I lowered my weight onto Jacob's thighs. It felt . . . so good to sit on top of him like this after so long. The only thing better would be to feel him on top of me, but I knew we were still far from that.

Jacob pulled me a little further until I was settled against his hips, and I could feel his hardness pressing insistently between my legs. I shuddered above him and tried to control myself.


	70. In Which Rachel is Repeatedly Damned

**_A/N:_** Hello, hello. As I've said in _Undeniable_'s A/N already, I'm tired. So don't expect this A/N to make much sense just as I don't expect myself to say half of what I intended to. As for the chapter, it's pretty self-explanatory and I really like it, so I hope you do too.

Happy Thanksgiving! And Mabrook Eid to all my Muslims! Friday is the holiday in which Muslims sacrifice a sheep to commemorate when the Prophet Abraham was told my God to sacrifice his son. Then, because of his willingness to do it, was sent a sheep instead to sacrifice in his son's place. Don't worry, it's done very humanely - the animal isn't even allowed to see the knife and other animals can't witness! :)

So yes. On with your Jacob and Nessie goodness and then go eat your turkey and come back to tell me how good it was.

**_Disclaimer: _**Don't own it, but I'm doing some major pimping of Kina Grannis. Youtube her _now_. I demand it. You will not be disappointed. The lyrics here are from one of her originals - astounding.

* * *

In Which Rachel is Repeatedly Damned

* * *

_and it was worth the silence, worth the tears  
that brought me here now to face these fears  
now i'm stronger, so are you  
here at this place we've gotten to_

_- kina grannis, breathe honesty_

_-_

Jacob still couldn't bend over. He couldn't roll or sleep on his side. But he could stand, sit and walk on his own with support and Grandpa Carlisle had told him when he could do that, he was free to go home.

So first thing in the morning, after Jacob walked himself to the bathroom, leaving me hovering anxiously outside the door, wondering whether or not I should ignore his request and follow him inside anyway, he asked to see Grandpa Carlisle.

I pulled my shirt back on, kissed Jacob warmly, and left him sitting on the edge of the bed to go get Grandpa. He was in his study, like he usually was, and he got up as soon as I told him Jacob asked to see him.

I followed him back into Aunt Alice and Uncle Jasper's room, which had been serving as my and Jacob's room for the past few days, but left when Grandpa requested I stay outside. Jacob didn't ask this time, but maybe Grandpa thought his exam might be a little personal and easier if I stayed outside.

That was fine with me. Aunt Rose and Uncle Emmett hadn't emerged from their room for the day - it was so strange. I didn't realize how naive I had been until I was married and had experienced . . . those things for myself.

It just never occurred to me - stupidly enough - that vampires never sleep. Well, that occurred, but not the reason for the late morning emergences. Or the reason for retiring to them _at all_.

I was just thankful that my hearing wasn't as good as the rest of the family's.

I wasn't sure where Grandma Esme was - it seemed like she'd been everywhere lately - going here, doing that. With nothing else to do, I headed down to the kitchen to make breakfast for Jacob and myself.

I hadn't cooked much at all lately, opting to spend all my time with Jacob since I had a host of wonderful family members who didn't mind cooking for us. I would have to get back in the hang of it, and now that things were . . . settling, I would be cooking much more often than before. Three meals. I'd never had that kind of responsibility before. I was both scared and excited by it.

I'd also never had the responsibility of caring for Jacob before - not entirely on my own - but I wasn't scared of that. If there was one thing I knew how to do, it was take care of my Jacob.

I cooked a mountain of eggs with toast and grape jelly, Jake's favorite, even making a huge pitcher of tea to make up for not having sausage. There was some sitting just in the fridge, but I could hardly handle sticking my hand inside to get the eggs. The scent was stomach-turning.

I was pouring the eggs into our bowl (a special, Jacob-sized one Grandma Esme kept around especially for him) when Grandpa Carlisle came down the stairs.

"Renesmee," he said happily, making my heart rise. "Jacob's waiting for you upstairs - I believe he has something to tell you."

I rushed to pour Jacob's tea and grab our forks, the toast already laid neatly around the bowl. Balancing the bowl in one hand the tea in the other, I bounded up to Grandpa Carlisle and kissed his cheek before running up the stairs.

Jacob was relaxing back against the pillows on the bed again, looking happy. I walked to him and handed him the plate, setting his glass on the nightstand. Jacob immediately cupped my cheek with his palm and brought me in for a kiss.

I stood back up when he released me.

"Grandpa said you have something to tell me?"

Jacob nodded, looking excited but like he was trying to hide it, and I already knew what he was going to tell me.

"Guess who's got the okay from Doctor Vamp to go home?"

I launched myself back at him, as gently as I could, hugging him around the neck. I pressed happy kisses down the side of his neck to his shoulder until Jacob's hands tugging on my waist pulled me back.

I was so excited to be able to go back home, alone, back to the way we had been before Jacob left. We would still come here, of course, I could never stay away from here long, but I wanted my Jacob to be at ease in his house.

I wanted to sleep naked beside him and run around in my underwear and spend every second of my free time lavishing Jacob with kisses, things I couldn't do here for obvious reasons.

"Then hurry up and eat," I told him, pressing one more kiss to his amazing lips. "I'll get our stuff up, and - and I guess . . . I'll call Seth to drive us?"

Jacob's face fell a little and he rolled his eyes, but nodded. "Doctor Vamp said no driving just yet."

"Don't worry about it, Jacob," I assured him, tapping the edge of his plate, urging him to eat. "You'll be back to driving in no time - just be happy we're going home. I'll go get everything ready."

Jacob caught my hand just before I was out of arms length. I froze in my tracks, careful not to jerk Jacob's arm. He pulled me gently back to the side of the bed.

"You can bring me the phone, and I'll call Seth," Jacob suggested, and I realized that was probably a better idea. It would help Jacob feel more in control, like things weren't being planned for him. "And then you can sit down and eat with me - you can get our stuff up after that. We have time, honey, no need to rush."

I forced myself to slow my roll, wind down a little.

"I'm just excited," I admitted.

"I see that," Jacob said, grinning. He pulled me back down to him for another kiss, this time flicking his tongue out to taste my lips. "I'm excited to be alone with you too, but I want to eat breakfast with you first before you start flying around like Alice."

I giggled a little at his joke. Aunt Alice and Uncle Jasper called a few days ago and talked to all of us - it was so good to hear their voices. Jacob talked to them too, and Leah as well. He said she was having fun.

"Okay," I relented, crawling carefully over Jacob's legs to his other side. I was pretty hungry.

But now that Jacob had said it - out loud - and the _way_ he had said it . . . well, all I could think about now was being . . . alone with Jacob. Maybe . . . in a few days, I knew we couldn't be . . . together, but maybe in a few days Jacob would be well enough for me to . . . touch him. That, unlike the other thing, could be done on his back, if he could control himself and not thrust his hips too hard . . .

I blushed as I realized I was planning it all out. Jacob paused from taking a swallow of tea to smile at me.

"What is it?"

I shook my head fiercely, probably only making my blush worse. I yanked my hand childishly behind my back when Jacob reached for it, intending I know, to see my thoughts.

"Oh, come on, Ness, what is it?" He was full-out grinning now. I had no idea what he'd be doing if I showed him.

I just shook my head again.

"At home," I stipulated, hoping by then he would have forgotten.

But Jacob's eyes just darkened, and I knew he wouldn't be forgetting. I'd just all but assured I'd been having dirty thoughts.

"At home," he agreed, then brought a fork filled with egg to my lips. "Now eat."

We did, until our plate was clean and then I went and found a cell phone for Jacob to call Seth on, and then started to gather up our things. They had strewed themselves across Aunt Alice's bedroom and bathroom fairly well over the last few days.

I tossed Jacob a clean shirt that he slid into on his own and a fresh pair of jeans and t-shirt for me. I was pulling my hair back when I heard Seth's laugh ringing up from downstairs.

I rushed back out, trying to hop into my shoes, and Jacob laughed at me.

"Chill, honey, Seth can wait a few seconds," Jacob soothed, and I remembered to slow down again. I got my shoes on much easier when I wasn't hopping around.

I straightened up and took in Jacob. He was dressed in another pair of Uncle Emmett's gym shorts and the shirt I'd tossed him, which also belonged to Uncle Emmett. It was a little snug around his chest and arms, but I certainly didn't mind.

His feet were bare though.

"Where are your shoes?" I asked him. I knew, obviously, he wouldn't be able to put them on himself, but . . .

"Don't have any," he reminded me, leaning back and putting his weight on his hands. I let my eyes roam over his chest and stomach in his almost-too-small shirt. "Got here naked, remember? I mean, I don't, but it's what I'm told."

"Oh, hush, Jacob, that isn't funny," I half-whined, half-laughed. "Don't joke like that."

"I'm just _teasing_, honey, c'mere."

Jacob gestured for me and I went, standing between his legs. He sat up straight, inhaling sharply with the movement, and wrapped me in his arms.

"You have all of your clothes up?" He asked and I nodded. "You didn't forget anything?" I shook my head. "And Seth is downstairs to get us." Again, I nodded. "Okay, then calm down. You're about as jumpy as I've ever seen you - we're just going home. Now all we have left to do is sit here and wait for the Doc and Seth to get up here and help me down the stairs. I asked why they couldn't just tie me to a board and slide me down, but he said no for some reason."

I laughed again into Jacob's neck, feeling silly for being as jittery as I had. Why had I been?

I think I was just in a hurry for all of it, even though I was the one who told Jacob last night to slow down. I wanted to be home and I wanted Jacob to be all healed so I could tell him . . .

"See - that's them now."

And sure enough, three seconds later, Grandpa Carlisle and Seth appeared in the doorway. I felt my cheeks heat up, but tried to ignore it as I stepped away from Jacob.

"What's up, man?" Seth said from the doorway, lingering like it would be rude of him if he stepped inside.

"Nothing much," Jacob replied. "Watch my new trick."

Then, bracing one hand on the mattress and the other on the dresser, he used his arms to lift himself before, wincing, he let his legs take over and stood. I wanted to kiss him.

I was so proud of how Jacob was making light about his needing help. Especially with someone other than me. He was so amazing.

"That's pretty cool, I guess, but can you roll over yet?"

Jacob laughed out loud, bracing one hand carefully against the wall as he straightened up.

"Come on, man, I just got sit and stand and you want me to roll over?" I tried not to hover too anxiously, but I carefully positioned my body so I was angled in Jacob's direction. "It takes an old dog a minute to learn old tricks too, I guess."

I grabbed my bag from the floor and hoisted it onto my shoulder as Grandpa let Jacob lean against him for support as he walked across the room. I was nervous, though, as I watched Jacob slowly make his way across the room.

He had so far only walked to the bathroom and back twice - would he be able to make his way all the way down the stairs and outside to the car, then from the car to our house and inside to the bedroom? I didn't want him to overtax himself and then set his healing back.

But I knew Grandpa Carlisle wouldn't let him do that.

I skirted carefully around Seth, Grandpa and Jacob to go down the stairs ahead of them. I went down a few and turned the other way, so I could watch Jacob come down. Grandpa situated Jacob at the top of the stairs, making sure he had a firm grip on the banister.

"All right, Jacob, you need to make your way down the stairs slowly," Grandpa instructed, and I knew by the look on Jacob's face that he was taking notice. "Distribute your weight evenly and keep your momentum controlled."

"Got it."

"It - it should be painful, but not unbearable," Grandpa warned, making me wince. "If you feel like the pain exceeds what it should, you should tell me immediately."

"I will," Jacob promised Grandpa, but his eyes flickered to me. I felt relief.

"And stop to rest as often as you need, don't over exert yourself - no one is in a rush."

Jacob nodded, and I noticed Seth step sideways on the stairs like he was planning to spot Jacob. My heart warned. Then, gripping the banister hard for support, Jacob lifted his foot and stepped down.

He shut his eyes tight and breathed out hard from his nose, but didn't curse. I took it as a good sign. He slowly brought his other foot down to rest beside it. One stair down.

Jacob opened his eyes and looked straight at me. I smiled.

He stepped again.

It was slow work, and Jacob had to pause a few times, but none of us minded and Jacob didn't seem to either. When he finally stepped onto the cool wooden floor in the living room, he groaned and said, "Finally."

"Would you like to rest for awhile before you walk out to the car?" Grandpa asked, and Jacob shook his head.

"I made it this far, might as well keep going," was all Jacob said.

After the stairs, the walk through the living room and entree seemed easier for him, and he moved faster. Then Jacob was outside for the first time in nearly a week - more than a week that he could remember. He took the few steps on the porch pretty well, and I was relieved to see Seth's truck parked less than three yards from the front steps.

It would be too hard for Jacob to get into the Porsche just yet, it being so low, so Seth would drive us home in his truck, then run in wolf form back to get and drive back the Porsche. He really was very sweet.

I rushed to open the passenger's side for Jacob and he gripped the roof of the car, not the handle made for the purpose, for support as he settled himself into the car. The handle would never stand his weight.

He did curse that time, but then he was inside and I was so happy I couldn't stand it. Just as I was throwing my bag into the backseat of Seth's truck, Momma and Daddy appeared from the woods. Nice for them to join the rest of us, but I honestly couldn't blame them. Jacob and I weren't much better, even though we did have the excuse of being newly married. Although even a thousand years from now, I couldn't imagine myself wanting Jacob any less than I did now.

I hugged and kissed Momma and Daddy, Jacob even accepting a cheek kiss from Momma. Daddy clapped him on the shoulder and I promised to call them regularly and see them soon.

I had discussed it with Jacob, and he gave Grandpa Carlisle and Daddy special permission to cross the Quileute border if I called them in an emergency. I wasn't having something happen and letting Jacob lie injured somewhere because some treaty says my Daddy couldn't come and help him.

In any case, we'd be back to visiting every day as soon as Jacob was well enough to drive.

Once we had said goodbye to everyone, I climbed into the backseat and Seth into the drivers, and we were gone. I waved out of the back window until we turned off of the driveway.

I scooted up in my seat so I was directly behind Jacob, sliding my hand over the back of his chair and down the front of his shoulders.

"How are you feeling?" I asked him quietly. "Excited?"

"Tired," he corrected, but swung his head back to smile at me. "But I feel good about myself, like I actually _did_ something."

"You did a lot," I corrected him, rubbing his chest lightly where I could reach.

"Well, it feels like I did, that's for sure," he said, reaching up and cranking down the window. "I'm hungry again."

"Oh," Seth said, starting in like he'd remembered something. I blushed as I realized we'd been acting like he wasn't there. "Rachel and Nat are grocery shopping for you as we speak, since we didn't know what was in the house, and they're gonna cook supper to bring over later on."

"You didn't have to do that, man," Jacob said, taking the words out of my mouth. "I appreciate it."

"Yeah, well, Nessie here can't drive - why is that, by the way? Isn't she like, good at everything? - so we figured we'd help you out."

"I learn fast, Seth, but I'm not good at everything," I corrected, before Jacob could agree with him. "But thank you so much."

"I was getting ready to start teaching her when we got called back," Jacob explained, reaching his right hand up to squeeze my fingers resting on his shoulder. "Then things got . . . busy pretty quick. Teaching her is on the top of my list once Doctor Vamp gives me the okay to drive again."

My brain couldn't deny the obvious practicality of learning how to drive, but I didn't feel the bubbling excitement I did when Jacob mentioned it a little over a month ago (it felt like years). There were so many other things for my brain to linger on - Jacob's healing progress, us finally being able to start our married life, and . . . my hand immediately jerked towards my stomach.

Maybe.

No, not maybe. Definitely.

Soon, we were pulling up to our house and my stomach jumped in excitement. Seth parked and I immediately hopped out and pulled Jacob's door open, to which he rolled his eyes. I didn't know what he was rolling them for - he did that for me all the time when I was perfectly healthy.

I was reaching back into the back to grab my bag when I saw Seth already pulling it out from the other side.

"Aw, Seth, you didn't have to do that," I told him, but he just shrugged.

"Having an imprint has made me all gentlemanly," Seth explained, swinging my bag up onto his shoulder, making me smile.

"He has to, or she'd have no other reason to put up with his cheerful ass," Jake grumbled, and Seth laughed.

"You're right about that, Jake," he said, walking around to our side. He offered Jacob a hand and he took it, slowly pulling himself up. "I don't know why she's hanging around, but I'll do whatever I've gotta to keep it that way."

He sounded just like Jake. It must be an imprint thing.

I rushed to try the door, which was locked, so I checked under the mat like Jacob had on our wedding night and found the key. I hurried to unlock the door so Jacob and Seth could come through.

"Where you wanna go, Jake?" Seth asked once they were inside. I left the door open since the car was still on. "The room?"

"Nah, you said Rach's coming later, right?" Jacob asked rhetorically. "I'll just hang out on the couch until then."

Seth helped Jacob to the couch and then straightened up. He set my bag on the arm chair and headed back towards the door.

"You're not staying?" I asked, even though I was secretly pleased. I wanted to be alone with Jacob, but I knew I couldn't be rude. "I don't know what we have that's still any good, but let me at least find you something to drink."

"No, no, Nessie, I'm okay," Seth excused, stalling near the door. "I promised to pick Nat up from Paul's once I was done - I'm taking her up to Port A. for the day, but uh - Jake, Sam said to call him if you need anything."

Jacob nodded and gave a little salute - Seth waved one more time and I followed him to the door, shutting it behind him and locking it, even though there was no need. A habit formed after three months spent on the run.

I immediately turned back to Jacob. He was carefully lifting each of his legs up to rest on the coffee table. I skipped back to him and barely restrained myself from leaping onto the couch, knowing it would jolt Jacob's back.

Jake was ready for me, leaning back against the cushion and holding his arm out. I sidled under it and strained up, nuzzling Jacob's nose with mine.

It was so good to be back here, in Jacob's house, our house. Where we had been together so many times, in so many places. In Jacob's room and the bathroom and the kitchen and this very room. On this very couch.

I remembered the last time Jacob and I laid together on this couch; the night I danced for him. That sweet, slow torture he subjected me to before finally giving in. I shivered remembering it.

"Are you cold?" Jacob asked, teasing. He knew I wasn't cold. He dipped his head down a little and brushed his lips against mine. "I guess it would be a bad time then to ask you to take your shirt off, huh?"

"Jacob Black!" I said, acting like I was offended, pulling back to stare at him.

"What?" He asked, completely nonplussed. He removed his arm from around me and carefully pulled his shirt over his head, dropping it to the floor. "I thought we had a deal?"

I remembered our conversation last night and blushed. If it were any other time, my shirt would have already been gone, but . . .

Jacob leaned down and kissed me hotly, his arm sliding back around me and finding its way under my shirt. Dragging it up my side.

"Jake," I said breathlessly, barely managing to pull away. "Rachel's coming . . . "

"So?" His lips were already searching for mine again and I had to have a few more kisses before I broke away again.

"So . . . I believe you're all right like you are, but I might need to keep my shirt on until after she leaves . . . "

"And after she leaves?" Jacob asked, his voice rough, his tongue coming out to flick into the part between my lips and shocking me with desire.

"A-after she leaves - " I paused to close my lips around the tip of Jacob's tongue that was teasing them briefly. "I'll wear whatever you want."

Jacob's hot hand that had been sliding itself up my side changed direction, dipping down and slipping his fingers under the waistband of my jeans.

"And what if I don't want you to wear anything?"

A lump of desire formed in my throat and I tried to swallow it, but it didn't work. I would never understand how Jacob could affect me like this. I knew I was getting us into a mess - getting naked wasn't going to help me resist the temptation that was Jacob. But I couldn't deny this man anything.

"Whatever you want, Jake."

Jacob . . . growled softly, the sexiest sound, and his hand slid even lower until he was cupping my backside from under my jeans. I moaned in desire and then surprise when I felt his hand lifting me up.

Jacob's free hand reached over and grasped my thigh and pulled it, turning my body until I was straddling his thighs on the couch. "I want you just . . . like this."

"But . . . Jacob - " I pulled back from him and supported my weight firmly on my knees. "I can't, I'll - "

"You're not going to hurt me, Nessie," Jacob promised, the hand cupping my backside attempting to pull me down to settle against his body. "It's my back that's fucked up, honey, not my legs. I want to feel you against me, Ness, come on."

I couldn't say anything to that - and it did make sense - so carefully, I lowered my weight onto Jacob's thighs. It felt . . . so good to sit on top of him like this after so long. The only thing better would be to feel him on top of me, but I knew we were still far from that.

Jacob pulled me a little further until I was settled against his hips, and I could feel his hardness pressing insistently between my legs. I shuddered above him and tried to control myself.

I brought my hands to Jacob's face as we kissed and tried to control my hips as his hands explored. Up my back from under my shirt and down my jeans, squeezing my backside firmly. Up to cup my breast, his fingernail teasing my nipple and his hand massaging like he knew I was unable to withstand.

Within seconds, Jacob had me a panting, shivering, writhing mess above him. And I still had every article of my clothing on. I was inches away from breaking down, taking the selfish way out - not wait. To plead with Jacob to relieve my frustration, like I knew he would. Like only he could. Almost not even caring that Jacob couldn't be treated to the same courtesy.

But that was almost. Just before I could, I heard the sound of a loud engine kicking off. Then a car door slamming.

Jacob's lips tore themselves away from my neck and he groaned, his head lolling back against the sofa. The hot hand, wedged between my jeans and panties, cupping my backside, squeezed once and then released me. Jacob removed his hands from my jeans and I leaned forward and kissed his throat lightly.

I was disappointed, but kind of grateful too - Rachel saved me from making a very selfish decision. Not that I had to be happy about it.

My body felt gooey and jittery as I slid carefully off of Jacob and onto my feet.

"Damn Rachel," Jacob cursed, and I understood his frustration, even if she was being sweet by bringing us food. What we wanted most right now wasn't that kind of sustenance. "Shit, Ness - hand me that throw blanket over there, will you?"

I rushed to get Jacob what he asked for as he turned himself sideways slowly, mostly using his arms, until his legs were stretched along the length of the couch. I let my eyes rake over my husband's body a few times before I gave him the blanket - his strong chest and muscled stomach, those beautiful hipbones and down to the reason he needed the blanket at all. The evidence of what we had been doing straining clearly against his shorts.

I felt myself turn pink with embarrassment and . . . something else as I turned the blanket over. Jacob arranged it over him casually, even though as a wolf he didn't need it at all, and made himself comfortable. He was reaching for the remote, the long line of his strong arm catching my attention just as there was a knock on the door.

I squeezed my legs together and went to do answer it. Damn Rachel was right.

* * *

**Coming up:**

"Oh, Jake," was all I could say. He was in the hall bathroom, the one we had showered in together after our wedding night. It was so strange, to see the difference that time made, in people, in relationships. In the world. "This is the best one."

"Are you serious?" I looked up and Jacob's face was leaving pink and veering into red territory - I didn't even know his face could do that. "It's ridiculous!"

"You're adorable!" I argued, pushing his hand away from where it had begun to sneak back over to cover the picture. "Look at you!"

"I'm naked!"

"I see that," I said back, grinning. I leaned in and nuzzled his bare shoulder. "It's not like it's something I've never seen before."

"Uh-huh," was all Jacob said, but he was smiling. "Ooh and ah over baby Jacob for three more seconds, because I'm changing the page."


	71. In Which Nessie Gets Loved On

**_A/N:_** Okay, girls, this chapter gets heavy. I know you weren't expecting it from the coming up, but it's an issue I've been meaning to address for a while. I wonder if a lot of you felt the same. People can push things aside for a while sometimes, but not forever. They always catch up - and here's Nessie's things catching up to her. I really love the closeness between them in this chapter - I think it's very tender.

I love this chapter too, because it all seemed to work out perfectly - the lyrics and the title just fell so perfectly into place and matched more than I could have ever imagined. I really hope to hear your thoughts on it!

And just an errant thought - does anybody else say 'love/d on'?

Also, for my non-subscribers *stern glare*, _A Tale Told in Kisses_ has been updated! Yes, _The Almost Kiss_ is now available for your perusal. So read it and let me know!

**_Disclaimer:_** I don't own anything, but I would give up a few things I owned to get a couple of those pictures I wrote about. The toy gun/batman pajama one and the almost-grown, long-haired Christmas one to be exact. Don't judge me, any of you. :)

* * *

In Which Nessie Gets Loved On

* * *

_and i would have liked to have known you  
but i was just a kid  
your candle burned out long before  
your legend ever did_

_- elton john, candle in the wind_

_-_

Thankfully, Rachel didn't stay long.

I think what she brought us was only technically considered lunch, since it couldn't have been any later than noon, but I was grateful all the same. I knew my Jacob was hungry and I didn't want have to be as far away from him as cooking would require me to. I wanted to feed him and then curl up right beside him for the rest of the day.

She brought a massive pot of chicken salad and what looked to be about a trunkful of groceries, which I helped her unload.

Rachel didn't say anything, but the look she shot Jacob told me she might have seen through the throw blanket he had draped across his hips. He was a werewolf with a 108-degree temperature, after all.

She insisted on helping put away the groceries, and I didn't really resist too hard because I wanted it to be done quickly. When she offered to come back with supper though, Jacob cut in.

"We're good, Rach, really," he said, his eyes flicking to mine from over Rachel's shoulder. "With all this stuff you brought us, we're good for a couple of weeks - Ness can cook, and I might not be able to run the New York marathon right now, but I can make a sandwich."

Rachel rolled her eyes and sighed, walking across the living room to where Jacob was. She leaned down pressed her lips firmly to his cheek, laughing when he screwed up his face and tried to move his head away.

I couldn't help but laugh too. He looked like a little boy.

"Fine then, _little_ brother, I'll leave you two to it," she said, straightening back up, and I tried not to look too relieved. "Call if you need anything - Nessie, don't let him get too fussy on you."

"I don't fuss at _her_," Jacob called back as Rachel gave me a quick hug and grabbed her keys. "But that's probably because _Nessie_ doesn't get lipstick all over my face."

"Or maybe you just don't _mind_ when she gets lipstick all over your face," Rachel called back from the door, and I felt my face flame red. That was probably about right though. "It's just because I love you, Jake - talk to you guys soon."

Then she shut the door, letting herself out. I followed her to lock it, out of habit.

When I turned back around, Jacob had already thrown the blanket off and was turning back to sit up straight. I made a quick pit-stop to the kitchen to grab the huge bowl of chicken salad and two forks, but when I got back into the living room, Jacob was heaving himself up. I dropped the bowl and silverware to the counter and rushed to him.

"J-Jacob, I thought - you were hungry?"

Jacob shook his head, and cast around like he was looking for something to hold onto. There wasn't anything for a few feet, so I quickly ducked under his arm. Jacob shot me a look, but I wouldn't be moved. I couldn't support Jake's weight, but he didn't need me to - he only needed help with balance.

"I just want to lay down . . . with you, if you feel like it," he said, and my heart melted.

What else would I feel like doing?

"Of course, Jake," I said, shifting my weight when Jacob did, my heart swelling when he didn't say anything on using me for support. I was so proud of him, but I didn't want to mention it. "Let's go."

We made our way slowly, until I felt Jacob's body veering to the right, like he wanted to turn down the hall instead of go straight to his room.

"Jacob?" I asked, looking up, but he only shook his head and shifted his weight. I had no choice but to turn with him.

"I can't lay on my side, Ness," he explained, his voice low, as we made our way down the hallway. "I have to be on my back . . . and we both can't fit in my bed that way."

"But . . ." I was confused. "Where are we sleeping?"

"In our room," Jacob said, and I could tell it was an avoidance. "The . . . master bedroom. Billy's old room."

I stopped in my tracks, making Jacob stop with me.

"Jacob, no," I said firmly. I wouldn't make Jacob do that. "You - you don't have to do that . . . "

"Do you want to sleep apart?" Jacob asked, looking down, and the hurt was clear on his face.

"No, of course not, Jake," I swore, reaching up to touch his chest. "But . . . I won't make you sleep in Billy's room. I can . . . I'll sleep . . . "

"What, on the floor?" Jacob snorted, and I was glad then that I hadn't said it. It wasn't so fun the other way around, was it? When you wanted someone with you and they seemed to prefer floor over you. "No way, Ness. Don't worry, I'm _fine_. This is what I want."

So I went.

I realized I had never been in Billy's room before as we walked together down the hall. I never had reason to. And honestly, the thought made me a little sad - but if Jacob was ready . . . I mean, Billy was Jacob's father. If he was ready, I should be.

And it meant a lot to me that Jacob would prepare himself to face this just so he could sleep beside me. I didn't want to, it was actually the last thing I wanted, but I would sleep apart from Jacob if he wasn't ready to face Billy's room.

But he was.

I opened the door at very end of the hall once we got there, and Jacob and I made our way inside. It was dark because the curtains were drawn, and Jacob paused to flip the switch. The room was very clean and the bed was made. It was much bigger than Jacob's bed, a king-sized as opposed to a double. There were two dressers and a door leading to what I assumed was the other bathroom.

The walls were covered with pictures.

It only took me spotting a photograph propped up on the dresser of a russet-skinned, long-haired little boy for my interest to be piqued. I helped Jacob to the bed, hovering until he relaxed back against the pillows with a groan. I straightened back up and went straight back to the picture I saw.

My face broke out into a grin as I inspected the photo of who was unmistakably a very young Jacob. Skinny - something I couldn't even associate with the man I'd always known - and wearing only a pair of blue swimming trunks, smiling wide and holding out a huge fish. He couldn't have been more than six.

"Ness," Jacob groaned, and I turned around to see him rolling his head back against the headboard. "Don't look at those - they're embarrassing."

"They aren't embarrassing!" I disagreed, moving, almost in awe, to the next one. "These are so cool! I've never seen pictures of you when you were little."

"Because I looked stupid," he complained, but I ignored him. "That's also probably why you've never been in here before - come on, honey, come lay down."

I felt torn. Jacob knew I couldn't resist him when he asked me for something like that, and I really did want to lay down with him, but I really wanted to see these pictures too. It was silly of him to be embarrassed.

"Just one second, Jake," I stalled, leaning a little closer to see another picture. Jacob was a little older in this one, and Rachel and Rebecca were there too. They were all dressed strangely. "What are you wearing in this one?"

Jacob strained up a little and I moved so he could see. He slumped back against the pillows, his cheeks getting the slightest bit darker.

"It was Halloween," he explained half-heartedly, and I suddenly understood. "I was a cowboy."

I laughed out loud, unable to restrain myself, and felt bad when Jacob's cheeks cheeked darkened even more. But it was also pretty endearing - I was used to dealing with cocky Jacob. Which I loved, but . . .

"Were there even Native American cowboys?" I asked him teasingly, crawling across the other side of the bed to him.

His face flushed even darker and he shot me the most adorable look.

"I was eight, okay?" He said defensively, his jaw not relaxing at all when I pressed my lips to it.

I pulled back to check his eyes.

"Oh, come on, Jake, I'm not wearing lipstick," I teased again, and he cracked a smile. Just barely, but it was enough. I dipped my head down to kiss the place where his jaw ended, right under his ear. "And you were just about the cutest cowboy I ever saw."

"Mmhm," Jake said doubtfully, but not saying anything or moving away when I reached up and pulled his hair out of its tie. I held his now-loose hair back with my hand so I could kiss his neck. "I think you just like picking on me."

"Well, I do," I admitted, parting my lips and biting his shoulder lightly. I made sure my tongue was firmly withdrawn in my mouth, because if I tasted Jacob's skin, I knew that was the end of it. "But you really were adorable . . . I can't believe I've never seen pictures of you as a little boy. I can't wait to see more."

But when I pulled away to head back to the wall of pictures, Jacob's hand caught my arm. He pulled me back and kissed me, lips parted, making my stomach squirm. He pulled back only centimeters, his nose brushing mine, then returned to kiss my top lip again

"I know you want to look at pictures," he said quietly against my mouth, and for a second I didn't even realize what he was talking about. What pictures? "But I was really wanting to lay down with you. Can we compromise?"

"Compromise?"

Jacob's kisses had me dizzy and the word felt strange in my mouth.

"Mmm," he said, his lips still so close and yet so far. "I'm sure you can tell - Billy liked pictures. He's got a bunch of albums - why don't you get one of those and come up here with me. We'll look together."

That seemed like the perfect solution. Jacob, warm and snuggly against me, _and_ willing to look at pictures. I nodded against his lips and he gave me one more soft kiss.

"Where are the . . . albums?"

"Under the bed," Jacob instructed, and half-reluctantly, half-excitedly, I left his side to get them.

I kneeled down to check under the bed and saw several albums. I grabbed the closest one and scrambled back up onto the bed with Jacob. He took the album from me and set it in his lap, wrapping me securely in his free arm.

He opened the cover and I looked up at him. His eyes changed and I looked down to see the first picture. Jacob's family.

Billy was the most easily recognizable, but much younger, and a face with less lines than I was used to. And he was standing, something else I had never seen. The beautiful woman from the picture in Jacob's room stood next to him, and on her hip . . . baby Jacob. He couldn't have been more than three years old, but he was beautiful. His hair was wild, and already down past his ears, and he still had the rounded face of a baby.

But it was unmistakably him.

At Jacob's parents feet stood Rebecca and Rachel, obviously, from their matching grins. They both leaned back against their father's legs, and Billy had a hand resting on each of their shoulders.

For a second, I just looked. It was a world I had never been a part of - a healthy, walking Billy with a baby Jacob, his mother still alive. Sarah, Jacob told me once, her name had been.

After what felt like a long time, I pulled my eyes back up to Jacob's face. He was watching me.

"That was . . . a long time ago," I finally brought myself to say, since I wasn't sure what else to. Maybe the reason Jacob didn't want to look at pictures had nothing to do with being embarrassed.

"It was," he agreed, and I felt his fingers twirling themselves around one of my curls. "I don't even remember it. Do you . . . are you ready to see some more?"

"Sure," I decided, but it was only when Jacob shifted his gaze back to his lap and I felt the page turn was I able to tear my eyes away from him.

The page had pictures on either side, more than one. Four on the left and three on the right. Mostly Jacob and his sisters when they were little, playing outside or on what was obviously Christmas morning. I laughed at the one of a little Jacob, no older than seven, in Batman pajamas, aiming a toy gun at the camera in all seriousness.

Jacob just squeezed me a little tighter and changed the page. Jacob's age was easy to tell by the length of his hair, which he seemed to never cut. Through the pictures, I saw it at lengths I never had in reality. The pictures were in no particular order, but I saw Jacob's hair extend in some of them several inches past his shoulder blades.

Once, Jacob turned the page, and I heard him make a small noise, then cover something with his hand. I tried to move it and he wouldn't let me, so a small scuffle ensued, which Jacob obviously let me win.

I finally pried his hand back to reveal the cutest, most adorable picture yet. A three or four year old Jacob, standing up in the bathtub. He was soaking wet and soapy and completely naked, standing with his back to the camera and holding a washcloth against the shower wall like he was washing it. He turned back around to grin at the camera and my heart melted.

"Oh, Jake," was all I could say. He was in the hall bathroom, the one we had showered in together after our wedding night. It was so strange, to see the difference that time made, in people, in relationships. In the world. "This is the best one."

"Are you serious?" I looked up and Jacob's face was leaving pink and veering into red territory - I didn't even know his face could do that. "It's ridiculous!"

"You're adorable!" I argued, pushing his hand away from where it had begun to sneak back over to cover the picture. "Look at you!"

"I'm naked!"

"I see that," I said back, grinning. I leaned in and nuzzled his bare shoulder. "It's not like it's something I've never seen before."

"Uh-huh," was all Jacob said, but he was smiling. "Ooh and ah over baby Jacob for three more seconds, because I'm changing the page."

I really did turn back to inspect the image for a few more seconds, but I made a show of cooing and tickling the Jacob in the picture's cheek with my fingertip. Jacob snorted and after exactly three seconds, he batted my hand playfully away and changed the page.

We finished that album pretty quickly but I was still hungry for more, so Jacob told me to go ahead and get another one, even if he didn't seem as excited about it as I was. The other one was newer, because there were none of Jacob younger than eight or nine and Billy was in his chair for every photo with him in it. There were none of Jacob's mother.

Watching Billy made me sad - seeing his face after so long of pushing the memory of him to the side, so I tried to flip past the ones with him in them pretty quickly. Jacob's hair grew with him too, until it hung nearly halfway down his back. It was beautiful.

I stopped Jacob at one picture of him when he was maybe fourteen or fifteen, no more. It was Christmastime, which I could tell by the tree in the background. It must have been morning, because he looked kind of sleepy, but mostly annoyed at having his picture taken. It was a close-up of his face, with only part of the Christmas tree in the background, and his hair wasn't tied back like it had started to be in most of the recent pictures. It just hung around his shoulders in black waves.

It was the first picture where I could see . . . my Jacob. I could see Jacob in all of the pictures, but not like I saw him now . . . handsome in a . . . grown up way. That different kind of beautiful than the one you recognized when you looked at children.

I looked up at Jacob and and his face looked torn.

"S'not so bad," he decided, flashing me a small smile. "I'm still skinny as hell, but it's better than the naked baby pictures. That was the last Christmas Rebecca was home - she kept chasing me around with that damn camera."

"Well, I'm glad she did," I said, tracing my fingers over the waves of Jacob's hair in the picture. "Jacob - why did you cut your hair?"

"I phased," he answered immediately. Ah, I'd forgotten. "Then I had to shave it because my coat was literally to the floor - it was uncomfortable, and made it hard to run. And I was spending a lot of time as a wolf those days."

"Oh," I said quietly, thinking. I reached up and brushed back Jacob's semi-long hair, running my fingers through the thickness of it. "Why don't you shave it now?"

"Because you like it," he answered, like I knew he would. That made me smile.

"Yes, I do," I agreed, running my fingers through it again. I tried to imagine if it was long again, in a way I'd never seen in real life, long enough to hang down onto his chest. "I love your hair."

Jacob leaned down and captured my lips, and I felt Jacob's hand reach down between us and close the album. He picked it up and set it on the nightstand and I guessed Jacob was through with pictures. Fair enough. He'd spent more than an hour of his time doing something I wanted with me - why not do something we both wanted for a little while?

When his lips left mine to begin kissing down my neck, I sat up a little more to grant him easy access, but found my eyes scanning the walls full of pictures again. There were just so many pieces of Jacob's past here on these walls, pieces I knew nothing about. It seemed like there were hundreds of pictures of him and Rachel and Rebecca, at all ages - right up until about fifteen. After that, for Jacob at least, they seemed to stop. I hadn't spotted one picture of Jacob as I knew him now.

"Jacob," I asked, feeling silly for interrupting what I wanted so badly again, but unable to hold it in. "Why are there no pictures of you as a grown up?"

"Guess I got too ugly," Jacob cracked, his tongue coming out to lap against my throat in a way that made me gasp, but I wasn't buying it. I think Jacob knew that. "No, I just . . . guess I didn't like taking pictures much once I hit a certain age. You can say I got moody. But there is one."

"Where?" I asked, pulling back a little so I could see Jacob's face.

"You mean you haven't seen it?" He asked, looking like he was wanting to smile for some reason. He nodded his head in the direction of the dresser on his right. "It's over there - on the dresser."

I almost pulled myself from Jacob's arms to go check before I realized how inconsiderate I was being. I wasn't sure why I was so curious about Billy's pictures, just that I was. But still - Jacob was obviously trying to love on me and I kept pushing him away to look at pictures.

Jacob's hand just slid down and patted my backside casually, but it sent a surge of lust through me. Maybe the grown up picture could wait - I had a real grown up Jake right here.

"Go see it," Jacob told me, nodding his head in that direction again, and I wanted to kiss his him for his sweetness. "It's on the mirror."

I got up then, since I had permission, and went to the mirror. At first, nothing caught my eye until I leaned down. There, at the very bottom right hand corner of Billy's mirror, was _my_ picture. Jacob was in it, and obviously he was all grown up, but my eyes were stuck on myself.

I was really little, maybe two, although I looked about six in human years. Billy was sitting in the armchair in the living room and I was hanging over the back of it, obviously having been lifted off my feet. Jacob was standing behind the chair, probably holding onto me even though I didn't need it.

We were all smiling and one of my tiny hands rested on Billy's shoulder. I had absolutely no memory of taking this picture, but as I studied it, I was surprised to feel a lump rise in my throat.

"Did - " I turned back to face Jacob. "Did you put this here?"

He shook his head and the lump got worse.

If - if Jacob hadn't put the picture here, then it only made sense that Billy had. But . . . why would Billy have a picture of me hanging in his room? When - when the last picture before that probably dated before I was even born and I saw no pictures that looked like they could have been added since then?

Why was I special?

I looked at my hand on Billy's shoulder again and studied his face, kind and sweet, and suddenly had the strong memory of him giving me candy. He always gave me candy when I came to Jacob's house when I was little.

Then I realized - _really realized _ - that Billy was dead.

It sounds stupid, because he'd been dead for months and I'd known since - well, since before it even happened. But in that moment, the full weight of it dropped on me. I would never see Billy again - he was gone forever. Jacob's father, the only person who had been with him his whole life, was gone.

It was a hard concept to grasp for something so simple. Gone.

Jacob's voice calling my name pulled me out of my thoughts. I tried to shake the thoughts out of my head, but it only made the tears feel like they were even closer to falling, so I stopped.

"Nessie honey, what's wrong? Come here."

I wanted to go, but I felt frozen. It was when Jacob called me again that I thawed myself - if I didn't go, he would get up and come to me, and that wasn't good for him, to be getting up and down so much. Besides, I wanted to feel him anyway.

I immediately crawled to Jacob and buried my face in his side.

"Jacob?" I heard my voice ask, small and childish and close to breaking. But I had to know. "Why did Billy have my picture in his room?"

"Oh, honey," Jacob soothed, like he understood exactly, and I felt him smooth my hair back. He scooted down some more until he was laying back against the pillows and I could lay against him. "Because he loved you."

"Loved me?"

Why would Billy love me? What had I done?

I wasn't his son or his daughter or his kin - I was the half-vampire, and we all knew how Billy felt about vampires. I mean, I know he didn't hate me - but . . . it just felt like such a big thing, that he had kept my picture in his room for most of my life and I had never known about it.

I loved Billy - of course I did. I loved all of the people in my family, and Jacob's - my vampire family, Jacob's wolf family and his blood one too. But . . . it was an absent kind of love, one you never thought or spoke about. To see evidence of it . . . and then know Billy wasn't even there to _thank_ . . .

"Of course he did . . . " Jacob assured me, but that didn't make me feel any less like crying. "Didn't - didn't you love him?"

Saying it - hearing it out loud like that - made it impossible. The tears roared up and spilled over and then there was no calling them back.

I loved Billy, and . . . I would never see him again. I was raised among immortals; I had no concept of death. Not really - not in normal situations. In war, in combat, but not like this. Death for no reason - death brought by time.

Vampires and wolves - they didn't die unless they were killed. It could be avoided, but - but for humans, it couldn't be.

Billy died. Grandpa Charlie would die . . . Emily would die . . . and one day . . . one day little Claire would die too.

It was so unfair and horrible and I suddenly couldn't hold it anymore. I had never been particularly close to Billy - I wouldn't claim that I was - but I suddenly ached to see his face so badly it hurt. But I knew I couldn't - I would only ever see his face again like I just had, in a photograph.

"Oh, _baby_," Jacob's thick voice soothed, and I felt him pull me closer. I went, feeling horrible as I did.

"I - I'm s-sorry," I whispered into Jacob's shoulder-blade as the tears kept coming. "I - I don't know - "

I was being so selfish. Billy wasn't my father - I held no special piece of him that allowed me to grieve like this. I was only making this harder for Jacob by crying and being silly and reminding him of it. But I couldn't stop.

"No, honey, this is my fault," Jacob said, insanely, but by that point I was crying too hard to say anything back. What was wrong with me? "You loved Billy too and you never got to cry. You were taking care of me when I should have been strong - I'm so sorry, Ness, but I'm here now."

"N-n-no," was all I managed as a rebuttal, but Jacob just shushed me.

He pulled me closer and I went, letting him wrap his arms tightly around me and throwing my leg over between his, burying my face in the place where his side met his arm.

"It's okay, Ness, I know you loved him too," Jacob whispered thickly into my hair, and then I gave myself over to the tears.

Because I did. And realizing now that he was gone - really realizing it - hurt like hell.

* * *

**Coming up:**

"We'll clean out one of the dressers this afternoon," Jacob informed me, and I tried not to shiver as I felt his hand skim up the back of my thigh to my backside. He popped me lightly and I couldn't hold it back, shuddering hard against him. "Mm, I almost forgot about that for a second."

I hadn't.

He rubbed his hand against me firmly, smirking, his eyes dark, before he lifted his hand and smacked me lightly again. I bit my lip since that was the only outlet I had, unable to even squeeze my thighs together or rub myself against Jacob to relieve the tension. I knew, without doubt, that he could smell it.

He massaged me, firmly but sensuously with his hand, watching me intensely with his dark eyes and licking his lips when I moaned. I watched Jacob's eyes flow slowly down my entire body and back up.

"God, I miss you, Nessie."

I knew, immediately, what he meant.


	72. In Which Grandpa Gives Good Advice

**_A/N:_** Hello, ladies! I'm back to bring you another dose of_ HoM_! This chapter is pretty self-explanatory. A lot of discussion and talking things out coming up, so prepare yourself for it. But you know how Jake and Nessie handle even the most mundane of conversations. *winkwink* And Nessie learns some new things.

In other news, _Undeniable_ has reached 1,000 reviews! Yay!

And without you lovely Hands on Me ladies, there would be no Undeniable ladies (I know, I know, most of you are the same) and so I must thank you! I don't know if any of you have noticed, but HoM is rounding up to 3k now! Wow!

**_Disclaimer:_** I own nothing, but would like to state that Grandpa Carlisle's advice is very factual and based in actual medical findings, not just a plot device. There is a supernatural kind of twist to it though. :) But that'll come out in time.

* * *

In Which Grandpa Gives Good Advice

* * *

_if ever two were one, then surely we  
if ever man were loved by wife, then thee_

_- anne bradstreet, to my dear and loving husband_

_-_

Jacob was so good, holding me tight against him for a really long time, whispering sweet things into my ear until I was all cried out. We eventually fell asleep, and it was the best sleep I'd had in a long time. Curled up tight against Jacob's body, hot and welcoming and completely safe. When I woke up, it was dark outside, and my shifting to see the digital clock on the nightstand woke Jacob.

He was beautiful as I looked down at him, laying on his back and looking up at me, his eyes searching mine for signs that I was still upset. The ache was still there, but not in the forefront anymore, and I felt much better.

I was hungry, so I knew my Jacob was. I left him in bed, arguing that he could come with me, while I ran to the kitchen to grab the bowl of chicken salad, our forks, and a jug of milk. I brought it back to bed and we ate together there, not even switching the lights on. It was a soft, quiet experience that I don't Jacob and I had had before. Not in happy circumstances, at least.

Before I got back into bed, I shimmied out of my jeans and bra tiredly, and Jacob didn't even say anything. His eyes just floated over me in that way I liked before he took my hand and pulled me onto the mattress with him. We barely spoke, and when the gallon was empty and the food was finished, Jacob set the dishes on the ground and pulled me back against him, laying back down against the pillows.

Jacob kissed me, softly, his tongue barely reaching out to brush my bottom lip, and whispered that he loved me. Then, we slept.

The next time I woke up, it was morning, and I awoke feeling so rested I actually felt _restless_. Jacob's hand, cupping the back of my upper thigh, held it firmly against his hips. I shifted, moving my leg up the smallest bit and gasped when I felt Jacob's hardness. I knew it was just his body's reaction, but it never failed to get me that even in his sleep, Jacob still wanted me.

I lifted my head up to watch Jacob's face sleeping peacefully, completely relaxed. He looked so much younger this way, defenseless. I had to use the bathroom though, among other things that needed to get done, so I tried to gently extract my leg from Jacob's grasp. He only slid his hand up higher until it was gripping my backside to pull me even more against him, mumbling in his sleep.

I couldn't help but smile, and try to control my desire at the combined sensations of Jacob's hands on my backside and his hardness against my inner thigh. I reached over and gently placed my hand on his cheek, projecting him the image of him letting go of me, letting my need to get up yet not want to be away from him filter though.

"'Kay . . Nes-sie," he mumbled and relaxed his grip slowly, and I was able to slide my leg free.

I rolled carefully off of the bed and tip-toed to Jacob's side of the bed to gather our dishes. I dropped them off in the kitchen before to rushed back to the hall bathroom. I didn't want to use the one in the bedroom and risk waking Jacob.

After that was taken care of, I went back and took care of the dishes and started foraging for breakfast. I wasn't sure how long I could get away with not cooking meat before Jacob asked for it or questioned why I wasn't cooking it - I just hoped Jacob healed before it came to that. I just wanted to tell him.

I decided on pancakes, Jacob's favorite, and the idea of surprising him in bed only grew more appealing as I went. I hummed to myself as I moved around the kitchen (in my underwear, but who cared?) and soon everything was done. I had eaten a good bit last night, so I wasn't feeling very hungry and only fixed what I knew Jacob would eat. I grabbed the jug of orange juice from the refrigerator since I had forgotten to make tea - I would do that later - and made sure I had all the proper utensils before making my way back to the room.

Jacob's eyes were still closed, and I felt torn about waking him even though we had been sleeping a good while. I decided I was wanting to do some cleaning, and hopefully unpacking today, finally get settled in to our home in a way we hadn't been able to before. After Jacob and I were married, I hadn't even unpacked! All of my clothes, and most of Jacob's, were still bagged up in Jacob's old room.

Anyway, to do that, I would probably want to be the slightest bit more dressed. So, balancing the plate carefully on the edge of the bed and setting the jug on the floor, I leant down and picked up my bra.

"Don't you put that thing on," Jacob's voice said roughly as I made to hook it around myself, startling me.

I looked up to see Jacob smiling up at me sleepily, and I obeyed him, dropping my bra to the ground.

"Good morning to you too," I greeted him, walking the two steps and leaning down to kiss him. Jacob started shifting, getting ready to sit up. "Careful, Jake - your food's sitting on the edge of the bed."

I grabbed it, allowing Jacob to sit up and then I set the plate full of pancakes into his lap. I opened the orange juice and set it on the nightstand, picking up the photo album and sliding it back into its place under the bed.

"Damn, Ness, this smells good," Jacob praised, making me smile. I handed him his fork and he immediately dug in. "Where's yours?"

"I'm not hungry," I assured him, walking around to the other end of the bed and crawling over to sit beside him. He held a forkful of pancake up to my lips and I took it anyway. "Really though, Jake - I was wanting to do some unpacking today."

"You can still eat," Jacob said, rolling his eyes, which wasn't what I meant. "And you don't have to do that stuff now - give me a couple of days and I can help you."

"Jacob," I said frankly, rolling my eyes back. "You didn't help me fold clothes _before_, and besides, I want to. I want to make this feel like . . . our house."

"It is our house," Jacob said, but then he stopped eating and looked up at seriously. "_Your_ house. You know that, right, Nessie?"

"I know that," I assured him, reaching how and rubbing his arm since I liked the way it felt under my hand. "I just . . . I want to make a nice home for you, I want to do . . . you know, wife stuff."

"Let's see, wife stuff," Jacob pretended to think, reaching over and getting the jug or orange juice. I watched as he tipped it back and drank from it. "Making great breakfasts, check. Taking perfect care of your crippled husband, check. Embarrassing said husband to death by going all girly over baby pictures, check. I'm pretty sure you've got the wife stuff down, Ness."

I laughed softly, but remembered to pop Jacob's arm lightly for being self-depracating.

"I didn't really embarrass you that bad, did I?" I asked, feeling a little bad about it now. "I really did think you were the cutest thing ever."

"Yeah, well, I'll just have to get some embarrassing pictures of _you_ in the bathtub when you were a baby in retaliation," he joked back, but that got me thinking.

"Are there any?"

Jacob shrugged. "Probably, but _you _were cute as hell, and you're a girl so that's okay. Being cute subtracts from my manliness."

I laughed again, but I found my eyes roaming Jacob's body.

"Don't worry, Jacob, you're still _very_ manly," I assured him, maybe too seriously, because Jake shot me a look. I blushed and tore my eyes away from his body.

Jacob watched me for a second, his eyes dark, before he cleared his throat and took another bite.

"Well . . . you can obviously put your stuff in here," he said after he had swallowed. The food was almost gone now. "But . . . we've gotta go through Billy's stuff first. See what we're keeping and what we're . . . not."

"Not?" I asked, confused. "Wouldn't you - don't you want to keep . . . everything?"

"'Course I do," Jake nodded, setting his now empty plate onto the nightstand and taking another swig of orange juice before closing it and setting it on the floor. "But that's wasteful, and we don't have space for it really now, and there are people who could use it."

"Oh," I said quietly, contemplating a life I had never lived, where things were in short supply. Money, clothes, food.

"I mean, we'll keep some stuff, important things," Jacob clarified, leaning back more heavily against the pillows, and starting to move his legs over to the edge of the bed like he was going to get up. I stood and rushed over to help him. "But all the other stuff - we'll donate it."

"That's very kind of you," I said, hovering usual as Jacob pushed himself up. I ducked under his arm like I had done last night. "Will it be hard for you?"

"A little," he admitted, pausing at the bathroom door. I knew I would have to wait here. "But life is hard - you're the only thing that makes doing it easy."

I wanted to kiss him, but knew I couldn't. So I just stepped back and let him go.

Jacob didn't take long, and soon he was stepping back outside with me. I asked if he wanted a shower and he shook his head, saying maybe later on tonight. When Jacob relaxed back onto his pillows, he didn't release my hand, but pulled me with him. I threw my leg over his and let Jacob pull me into position over him, standing on my knees above him.

"We'll clean out one of the dressers this afternoon," Jacob informed me, and I tried not to shiver as I felt his hand skim up the back of my thigh to my backside. He popped me lightly and I couldn't hold it back, shuddering hard against him. "Mm, I almost forgot about that for a second."

I hadn't.

He rubbed his hand against me firmly, smirking, his eyes dark, before he lifted his hand and smacked me lightly again. I bit my lip since that was the only outlet I had, unable to even squeeze my thighs together or rub myself against Jacob to relieve the tension. I knew, without doubt, that he could smell it.

He massaged me, firmly but sensuously with his hand, watching me intensely with his dark eyes and licking his lips when I moaned. I watched Jacob's eyes flow slowly down my entire body and back up.

"God, I miss you, Nessie."

I knew, immediately, what he meant.

Jacob and I had spent literally all of our time together since he awoke - it wasn't just my presence he missed. I felt terrible, since there was nothing I could do about it, even when I felt the same.

"I miss you too," I said back quietly, lifting my hand from Jacob's shoulder to touch down his chest and stomach. I knew we couldn't . . . but I wonder . . . ? "So much . . . "

Finally my hand was between our bodies, and Jacob's breath sped up as I brushed my fingers over him. I brushed him again and felt him immediately begin to harden under my hands. My body reacted to this by matching Jacob's desire, almost as if it was attempting to prove that I wanted him as much as he wanted me.

Jacob was breathing through his nose, our eyes glued together, and when I touched him again, I watched him bite the inside of his cheek.

"Jacob," I finally forced out quietly, when the tightness in my stomach finally grew unbearable. "Are you . . . how do you feel?"

"I feel . . . " Jacob's hips shifted against mine and he lifted his chin, bringing his lips closer to mine. "Like I need you really bad."

"I'm so sorry, Jake," I apologized, leaning forward and pressing my parted lips against Jacob's tenderly. "I can't wait until . . . we can be together again, like that. But I understand."

Jacob's brow softened, then he lifted his chin again and kissed me, pressing his full bottom lip between mine.

"I . . " I stroked Jacob, lightly, the best I could through his shorts. "I know we can't . . . but I know you're feeling better now and . . . do you want me to touch you, Jacob?"

Jacob's eyes fluttered closed and he moved his hips against my hand again, a little stronger than before, but this time he winced. I did too.

I lightened my touches so Jacob wouldn't hurt himself again, waiting for his reply.

"I . . . don't just want you to touch me, Nessie," Jacob said roughly, one of the hands around my backside sliding forward to my hip, his thumb reaching forward to touch me intimately through my panties. I held back a whimper as Jacob leaned forward until our lips touched. "I want to make love to you."

I had heard that term before - I knew what it meant - and if I hadn't, Jacob's tone would have made the meaning clear. But I'd never heard _Jacob_ say it, and never in relation to us, especially. I never thought of - being with Jacob in concrete terms. It was just something that was inside my head, and when I had to mentioned it I usually said what I just had - 'be together'.

But to hear Jacob say it, properly like that, flushed me with pleasure so intense I thought for a moment I wouldn't be able to stand it. And yet, there was sadness, because we couldn't.

"I want . . . that too, Jacob," I assured him quietly, feeling my face flush. I guess I wasn't as brave as I thought. "But . . . "

"But what?"

"But . . . but you're hurt," I explained, confused. Wasn't it obvious?

"Ca - your . . . I can't believe I'm actually about to say this," Jacob mumbled against my lips, and I kissed his to urge him on. What did he want to tell me?

When he remained silent, I kissed him again and threaded my fingers through his hair.

"Tell me, Jake," I coaxed, flicking my tongue out to tease between the part of his lips. "You know you can tell me anything."

Jacob watched my eyes for a few long seconds.

"Carlisle," he said quietly, roughly, sounding like he was having to force the word out. What about Grandpa? "Said . . . he said that . . . "

"What, honey?" I urged, worry starting to creep in. What had Grandpa told him? What was wrong? "Tell me, baby, please."

"I just feel like I'll be . . . " His thumb traced over the front of my panties almost absently while he searched for words. "Persuading you, or - or bribing you if I say anything."

"Jacob," I warned softly. I didn't want to start an argument, but if there was something wrong with Jacob and he was hiding it from me . . . "If you can't tell me what's wrong, I'll have to call Grandpa - "

Jacob's grip on my hips tightened and I sighed involuntarily.

"Nothing's wrong, honey," Jacob assured me, shaking his head and pulling me in for another kiss. "Carlisle just told me - before we left . . . he said that . . . "

"That?" I prodded gently.

"That . . . _sex_ might actually help me heal faster," Jacob admitted, his cheeks the slightest bit pink, shocking me. "And I'm - I'm not telling you that to persuade you or . . . or talk you into anything. You just said, you know, about not being able to - because I'm hurt - "

"Oh." I tried to gather all of the information into my brain. "Jacob, you're - you don't have to _bribe_ me."

"I know," Jacob answered quickly, and I think I could feel the heat charging between both of our faces. "And I wouldn't - "

"No, Jake," I cut him off again, leaning forward and kissing him again, still gently but with more passion. "I . . . want you too, and if - if Grandpa says it could help, then that's _great_ . . . but I still don't see _how_ . . . "

Jacob's brow knitted together and I think I felt his cheeks grow a little darker.

"Like . . . always."

"But Jacob," I pressed gently, only growing more confused for a second. "You can't . . . even bend, or - or sleep on your stomach. How - how can you . . . ?"

I trailed off, my face red, I knew.

Jacob's face lit with recognition before it flushed even darker. I could never remember Jacob blushing more than once or twice in my life, but now that we were married . . .

The next thing I felt was Jacob's arm wrapping around my hips and pulling me down. I let my knees give and let him guide me, until I was settled against his hardness. I shuddered and my body rushed. Jacob's hips shifted against me again, not helping the situation.

"Like this, honey."

My heart sped up as I tried to process what Jacob was telling me. Like this? Meaning . . . with me . . . on top of him? Could we do that? _How_ would we even do that?

I mean, it seemed - now that we could, but . . .

"W-we can do that?" I heard my voice say, then immediately felt silly for asking. Jacob had just told me very plainly that we could.

"We can do . . . whatever we want, Ness," said Jacob, and one of his hands left my hip to come to my chin, tilt it back up to look at him. "Whatever _you_ want. We don't . . . have to do it though, if you don't want."

"It's not that I don't want," I mumbled, hating that Jacob now thought I didn't want to be with him. "I just never thought . . . you know how I am."

"I do," Jake assured me, leaning in to kiss my lips softly. "My sweet, innocent Nessie."

Sweet was fine and good and innocent was all right until it started getting in the way of me being with Jacob like I wanted. I tried to tamp down my shyness - telling myself it was stupid, that Jacob was my husband.

I _wanted_ to be with Jacob, to - how had he said it? - make love with him. Or - let him make love to me, however it went. And now I found out that we could - what was the problem?

The problem was that I was nervous out of my mind.

Jacob and I had been together dozens of times, in so many different ways. Mostly with Jacob on top of me, but sometimes he took me from behind. Leaning over a table or the seat of the couch - those times had been kind of nerve-wracking, but in a really exciting way. More often standing up - or with Jacob standing up at least. In the shower, on top of the washer, in the bathroom that day before he left . . .

But never with me on top of him.

I tried to imagine how that would happen, but I had a feeling my imagination wasn't living up to the reality. I think I would feel . . . very in charge, and I wasn't sure if I would like that - or if Jacob would either. I didn't know if that would be very good with him having felt so vulnerable lately.

But I . . . wanted him, so bad, and I know he wanted me too.

"Would . . . would you show me?" I finally asked quietly, peeping up at Jacob's warm eyes. "Show me how?"

* * *

**Coming up:**

"Nessie?" Jacob asked, leaning in and brushing our lips together, making me lean my body towards him to make it easier. I gasped against his mouth when he traced his finger very lightly over me. "While I was gone . . . "

He continued to trace his index finger over me, lightly, feathery touches I could only feel enough to make me shake, not to gain any real relief. I waited for the end of his sentence, for the pressure of his fingers, but it never came.

"Yes, Jacob," I prodded, half-panting, kissing tentatively at his bottom lip. "What, my love?"

"While I was gone . . . " Jacob repeated, ghosting the lightest touch against my most favorite place and then back, further. "Did you . . . touch yourself?"

I felt my face heat before I even really understood why.

"Touch . . . myself?"


	73. In Which There is Too Much Missing

**_A/N:_** I think this chapter is what you've all been waiting for - partially. I think I might receive a few flames for teasing, but you know how I hate to rush. Besides, you don't want it to be over too soon, do you? :) Anyway, in all truth, this is an important chapter. This is how Jake and Nessie talk out things apparently; I have no control over what they do. My fingers just write.

Moving on, great news! I've been nominated for a **Shimmer Award**!

Yes, thank you, thank you whoever did it - and I'd love to know, if you'd like to PM me!_ Hands on Me _was nominated for _Best Romance_, and I myself was nominated for _Best Review Replier_, which I am totally honored by! I always make sure to answer every review and PM I receive, and know if someone's review went unanswered, it was a mistake.

On with slightly less good news, I don't know if any of you remember, but a few months back I was nominated for_ Best Review Replier_ in **The Golden Chocolate Awards**. The reason I never mentioned it again was because I could never find out any information on voting and finally stopped checking the site. I checked again a few days ago to find out that the awards were over!

Needless to say, I'm disappointed, but it's okay. That's just my luck!

Voting for the **Shimmer Awards** doesn't start until the 24th, but I'll go ahead and give you the link now: **_shimmerawards(dot)webs(dot)com_**

Now, go read and come back to tell me how mean I am!

**_Disclaimer:_** Okay, my crazy self has somehow neglected to mention the fact that I now have banners! Yes! All beautifully and wonderfully made by the talented **artbeatsandlife**! So please check them out and PM or mention in your review what you think!

* * *

In Which There is Entirely Too Much Missing Going On

* * *

_these magnet hearts  
they can't be kept apart_

_- kina grannis, magnet hearts_

_-_

Jacob exhaled and reached up and tucked one of my curls back.

"I've never done this before either, honey, you know that," he warned me, half-lightly, which I of course knew. I was surprised to feel something like a growl rise in my throat at the idea of _anyone_ being with Jacob like this. I swallowed it down as Jacob leaned in and kissed under my jaw. "But if you . . . wanted to do this, I would help you . . . if you wanted."

"I want," I whispered back, tilting my neck and leaning up on instinct so Jacob wouldn't have to stretch. "Both. To - to try, and . . . your help."

Jacob leaned in and kissed my throat and then he pulled back, up, brushing his lips against mine.

"I love you so much, Nessie," he whispered against my mouth before kissing it, and it was over. I was putty. How had I even waited this long?

"I love you too, my Jacob," I whispered back, parting my lips for him and kissing him back as much as I could with my jumbled brain. "So much - I miss you so much. Even now."

"I know, baby," Jacob mumbled through our kisses that were slowly building, and I knew he did. "I know."

I let my tongue reach out and taste their way across Jacob's lips, running my hands up and down his strong arms. Jacob's back may be injured, he may not be able to stand as strong and tall as he could before yet, but his arms were thankfully unharmed. Big and strong and muscled, like all the rest of him - they still retained all their strength, which I felt every time he held me.

Jacob's arms were holding me now, around my hips and my waist, sliding all over my body and making me just wrap my arms around his neck and concentrate on his kisses and his touch. It wasn't long before I felt cool air and then hot skin against my lower back, as Jacob lifted my shirt and rubbed his hand up across the exposed skin.

His hand under my shirt slowly made its way around to my front, and I removed my arms from Jacob's neck and lifted them so he could pull the material swiftly and gently over my head.

I only felt the quickest flash of insecurity, but I think that was more from my position and feeling slightly on display, knowing I would stay that way. That Jacob would not roll us over and press me under him, cover me with the secure heat of his body.

Jacob leaned back slightly and I watched as he ran his large hands up my sides and then around to my front, until he was cupping my breasts in each of his hands. Jacob's hands swallowed my breasts whole, but I didn't mind - it still felt like they belonged there.

He brushed his thumbs over my nipples in tandem and I arched my back into his hands, subconsciously offering my breasts to him even more. When Jake's hands left their teasing to grasp my waist gently and pull, I knew what he wanted.

I sat back up onto my knees and leaned forward the few extra inches I could. Jacob leaned back more, allowing me to lean forward again, and then his hands closed around my waist once more, holding me there. He lifted me, the slightest bit - more like shifting - and then Jacob was nuzzling the very tip of my breast with his lips.

I gasped at his teasing and gripped the low headboard behind his head as he parted his lips slightly, but only continued brushing me. This continued for a few seconds that felt like hours, until Jacob finally pulled my right nipple past his lips.

Unbidden, my left hand fell from the headboard and cradled Jacob's head, trying desperately not to push him harder against me. I wished harder than ever to have something besides air between my thighs to press against.

Jacob moaned as my fingers sunk into his hair and I felt his tongue reached out to lap at me, giving me a taste of what I wanted. I finally broke and used my fingers to press, still gently, but insistently against the back of Jacob's head. Half-urging and half-begging for him to give in and stop teasing.

It worked.

His tongue swirled around my nipple and then he was sucking softly, brushing me with his teeth every once in awhile. When he pulled back, I felt the rush of cold air that was only made stronger by the wetness from Jacob's mouth, and my nipple hardened almost painfully. I was halfway through a groan that was stopped in its tracks by Jacob's lips, pressing tenderly back against the peak of my breast.

A kiss.

"Jake," was all I had to say. My love, my husband. My sweet, perfect man.

"Yes?"

"I - I love you," I panted for lack of any other words.

"Do you still miss me?" He asked, nuzzling his nose into the space between my breasts and looking up at me in a way that made my stomach twist in the best way. I nodded and Jacob began kissing his way across my other breast and down slowly to where I wanted him. "Mm, I still miss you too. We're going to have to fix that."

Yes, we were.

There was silence in the room besides our pounding hearts and my gasping breaths as Jacob sucked my left breast softly, making me switch hands, brace my left on the headboard in order to cradle his head with my right.

Jacob ended his attentions on my left breast the same way he had my right, with a kiss. He sat up and I unthreaded my fingers from his hair, holding my balance with both now.

Jacob's hands, leaving my waist, slid evenly down to my hips. His fingers slid under the sides of my panties, just like they had on our wedding night, and I prepared myself for his request to get up. I didn't want to leave from my place, hovering over Jacob's body, but if it got us closer to our goal . . .

But Jacob didn't ask me to get up. He just looked up at me and twisted his wrist, making the thin strip of cotton wrap around his index finger.

"How attached are you to these panties?" He asked me quietly, to my confusion. It was only when he twisted his finger a little tighter that I began to get it. "Are they your favorite?"

"They're - they're just panties, Jacob," I said breathlessly, wondering if this was leading where Jacob made it sound.

I knew it was when he reached his other hand down to do the same on my left side.

"Good," Jacob announced, and then I felt the slightest bit of tension, followed by a muffled tearing noise. Jacob threw my panties, torn at the seams, to the floor. "Because I still miss you too much to let you get up."

This was unbearable. This was perfectly unbearable. I didn't even feel the shyness I thought might come at being over Jacob like this, completely naked, exposed. I felt at home, but as Jacob's hot hand slid slowly up the back of my thigh again, I knew just how much more at home I could feel.

I held my breath as Jacob's hand slowly circled my thigh until it was back at the front; I had to bite my lip as Jacob, eyes on me, rubbed his fingers firmly across my inner thigh. I was sure that even from there he would feel . . .

"Nessie?" Jacob asked, leaning in and brushing our lips together, making me lean my body towards him to make it easier. I gasped against his mouth when he traced his finger very lightly over me. "While I was gone . . . "

He continued to trace his index finger over me, lightly, feathery touches I could only feel enough to make me shake, not to gain any real relief. I waited for the end of his sentence, for the pressure of his fingers, but it never came.

"Yes, Jacob," I prodded, half-panting, kissing tentatively at his bottom lip. "What, my love?"

"While I was gone . . . " Jacob repeated, ghosting the lightest touch against my most favorite place and then back, further. "Did you . . . touch yourself?"

I felt my face heat before I even really understood why.

"Touch . . . myself?"

Jacob licked his lips, and by extension mine, breathing hard. And nodded.

"Touch yourself . . . " I drew my lip between my teeth and strained my body harder towards Jacob as he pressed, deeper, and then slid back forward. I contained a shudder. "Like I touch you."

Like Jacob touched me? I felt my face heat even more, and then gasped as Jacob added the slightest bit more pressure where I needed it most. Like Jacob was touching me now?

Jacob's free hand slid up the back of my other thigh, holding me firmly in place as his touches grew stronger. He circled my favorite place with the pad of his thumb and I nearly convulsed.

_No one_ touched me like Jacob did.

But still, I knew what he was asking me. If I touched myself how - how I had seen Jacob that one time, to relieve myself of the tension that built in his absence. The urge had been there - but it was never too hard to fight, not when the thoughts of Jacob's lips and body and hands always brought tears and sobs muffled into pillows before too terribly long.

Besides, I wasn't sure if my body was even _capable_ of that reaction - that pleasure - without Jacob provoking it. The reason for it was him, so it seemed that without him, it might not exist.

I pressed my parted lips carefully to Jacob's - not closing them, just pressing them opened against his and letting my tongue flit out to taste him. I was surprised when I felt his do the same for me.

"No one touches me but you, Jacob," I finally whispered into his mouth, and he groaned.

I kissed him then, slow and open but deep, and made the smallest noise as I felt Jacob's hand begin to touch me more firmly. It seems that he liked my answer - but something told me he would have liked it if it had been the other way too.

I wonder . . .

"Jacob," I asked quietly, lightening the kiss just enough to speak. Unable to deny Jacob when his lips kept coming back for more. "Did - did you . . . while you were gone?"

Jacob's breath faltered against my mouth and I _felt_ his face flush again. I pulled back, the smallest bit, just to see it. I watched Jacob draw his lip between his teeth shortly, before he released it and leaned back in and kissed me.

"I did," he admitted, touching me even harder. Between that, his words, and the other hand kneading my thigh, I was in a flurry of lust and love that was hard to break through. "I hope you aren't . . . upset. I - was such a wreck and you were the only thing inside my head and I couldn't - "

"Shh," I said against his mouth, sadness warring with lust inside of me. The thought of Jacob, alone somewhere, thinking of me and being unable to even restrain himself . . . "I'm not upset. I wasn't there to . . . help you. I would have if I had been."

"God," Jacob swore, leaning back and staring me in the eye, nearly making my knees give. "You're perfect."

"Just because you love me," I corrected, knowing I was far from perfect. Perfection was right under me, touching me, kissing me. "That's the only reason why."

Jacob's touches immediately took on the natural pressure I wanted. Not teasing or tracing, just touching, and my head tilted back the smallest bit as I moaned. I opened my eyes to see Jacob watching me.

"Pretty damn good reason."

It was a damn good reason indeed if it got me touches like this. I tried to press my hips into Jacob's hand, but it was pretty much impossible in my position. It wasn't long before I felt the tip of Jacob's finger nestled against my entrance.

I wanted his hands - my release - so badly, but I didn't want to wait longer than I had to. And I think Jacob knew that, because he shushed against my lips when I tried to pull back.

"It's been a long time, Nessie," Jacob explained needlessly. I knew that, definitely. "A long time since I've . . . been inside of you, and if you haven't . . . we have to do this again."

"But - but - " I stuttered back, useless and helpless against Jacob's hand against me. His thumb, massaging. "I want . . . "

"You," Jacob finished for me, and his head dipped to kiss my neck. "I want you too, but this first. I'll make it good for you, baby, I promise."

"No," I murmured, shaking my head slightly against Jacob's lips on my neck. Frustrated at being misunderstood. "Not . . . you always make it so . . . it's not that I don't want . . . "

"I know." He always did. The very tip of Jacob's large forefinger pressed inside of me and I shivered against the pleasure of it, the tightness. "You always make it good for me too."

It didn't take me long, knees shaking and clinging to Jacob's shoulders as he kissed along my neck to realize, to know he was right as usual. My body wasn't used to his wonderful intrusion, no matter how welcome. Just the single finger was very tight - amazing, but tight.

Not like the first time, but nowhere near the comfort and ease with which my body grew accustomed to taking Jacob within the second week of our marriage, the one that had been cut terribly short.

Despite this though, the pleasure in my stomach mounted quickly. By the time Jacob, kissing along the very top of my shoulder now, pressed into me with three fingers, I found myself doing something I had never done before.

I felt myself trying to fight against the wave.

The last time I had felt . . . that pleasure . . . was before Jacob left, in the bathroom, when he thrust into me harder than ever before and I felt that wet _heat_ for the first and only time. It didn't seem right that the first time I felt it again after so long to be like this.

It should be when we were joined again.

Jacob's free arm, the one not driving me to the brink of insanity, was wrapped tight around my waist, holding me steady. He sucked and kissed and bit lightly along my neck as he touched me, my moans and sighs mixing with his.

Jacob's teeth scraped lightly along the front of my throat as he released a patch of skin he'd been suckling, eliciting a whimper from me. His rhythm picked up and I whimpered more - I wouldn't be able to hold on for much longer.

Wasn't I ready yet?

But then Jacob asked roughly against my throat, nuzzling, "Are you close?"

"I am," I panted, not sure whether to cry or rejoice when I felt Jacob's efforts redouble. "I have been - Jacob, no - _wait _ . . . "

Jacob's hand slowed, took on a softer pace, as he pulled back to check my eyes. I saw there that he understood.

"Are you sure, honey?" He asked, confirming that he did. So sweet. "You don't have to wait for me - I don't mind."

"No," I whispered back, leaning in to take Jacob's lips again. "I - I still miss you."

Jacob groaned, and then - selfishly, so selfishly - I remembered him. My hand immediately fell between our bodies to touch where he was hard, so hard, straining against his shorts.

"I bet you miss me more though, huh?" I asked, pushing myself up onto my knees a little more so I could kiss Jacob and touch him at the same time more easily. "Taking care of me so good and then I just ignored you."

"No, Ness - no," Jacob breathed against my lips as I stroked him, his hips shifting again. "Don't even . . . _worry_ . . . God."

I touched Jacob, more firmly than before, for the next few moments, running my free hand over my husband's muscled chest and stomach. Jacob's hand had long since slipped from my body, easing things up for me, and turned over to grip the sheets.

Finally, when Jacob's body grew too tight for my liking - tension without equal satisfaction - I pulled back from his lips once more.

"How are we going to get these off?" I asked, running my hand over Jacob and his shorts.

Jake, whose head had rolled back, lifted it to look at me. His eyes were almost playful.

"I might need your help," he admitted, not looking ashamed at all. Maybe even excited?

"I can definitely do that," I assured him, slipping my hands just under the waistband of Jacob's shorts to touch the smooth skin of his hips. I tried to think of the easiest way, for Jacob, to get them off. "Do you want to lay back?"

"You read my mind," he said, his voice slightly rough in that way I liked, and reached back and pulled a pillow out from behind his back, tossing it to the floor.

I watched carefully as Jacob leaned back on the remaining three, checking his eyes for signs of discomfort. When he looked comfortable, I reached up and tugged the front of his shorts down some. I couldn't take my eyes off of where Jacob was straining against his shorts, thinking about how in a few short moments we would be joined again. In a way the same and yet so different from all the ways before.

I had to sidle down Jacob's legs to reach the end of his shorts in order to reach around to the back edge and tug on them. I tried not to jerk, but just applied a consistent pressure, and it wasn't long before I had made good headway. Flitting my eyes back up to Jacob's, I found him unsurprisingly watching me.

I kept our gazes locked as I tugged Jacob's shorts down the final few inches. I felt a distinct decrease in the amount of resistance there was once Jacob . . . sprung free.

It was easy, after then, to slide them the rest of the way down his legs. I had to get off of the bed to do it, but as soon as I dropped the shorts to the ground, I was crawling back up Jacob's legs.

I allowed myself to glance back up at Jacob to find his eyes on me, but not meeting my gaze. On my body. Since he was preoccupied, biting his lip deliciously and distracting me, I let my eyes slide down his body. Down to the part of Jacob's body I had just revealed to see . . . Jacob covering himself with his hand.

I was about to reach up and take his hand away, to remind him as he had me on several occasions that we weren't allowed to hide, but then I froze. I watched, my stomach tightening, as Jacob's wrapped his fingers around himself, almost absentmindedly. I restrained myself from pouncing to watch Jacob's fingers slide up and down along his length, lightly, twice.

I dragged my eyes back up to Jacob's face to watch his expression - just in time to see him lift his eyes to mine. I could tell that the movement immediately stopped, without having to look.

Jacob's cheeks were colored again, the smallest bit, and I did my best to ignore it so I wouldn't embarrass him further. He had no reason to be embarrassed for something like that, but I wasn't sure how to tell him.

But maybe I could show him?

Crawling up a little further and straddling Jake's thighs again, I reached out and placed my hand over Jacob's that still rested lightly against himself, although his hand was open now.

I felt him immediately try to remove his hand, to make way for me, but I caught his fingers and kept them there. Jacob's brow knitted in confusion but I just shook my head and leaned forward and kissed him softly, which he accepted, kissing me back. Then I wrapped my hand, therefore guiding Jacob's to do the same, until both of our hands were wrapped around him. Mine overlapping his. Jacob's hand against his own skin.

For whatever reason, this gave me a thrill.

Jacob's hand fit around himself easily, and mine of course didn't, but nothing was awkward. I drew Jacob's hand up, and then down, watching Jacob's lip break free of his teeth on its own. I leaned in and kissed him, pressing my lips into the space Jacob's created for them and letting him suck my bottom one softly.

"I . . . liked that," I finally decided to admit, my lust only heightening, still guiding Jacob's strokes slowly. He wasn't pulling away. "I liked to see you . . . look at me and . . . "

Touch yourself. But the words wouldn't come.

It was okay though, because I was sure Jacob understood. Especially when I felt his grip tighten slightly, and my stomach tightened along with it.

"Do you?"

It wasn't the way Jacob used to ask me if I liked things, in complete disbelief and embarrassment. Now it was just curiosity - maybe the smallest bit of surprise. But nearly all of the insecurity was gone. I loved that.

I kissed Jacob once more, nodding, before I brushed my lips passed his cheek, back so I could lightly bite his ear. He made a small, deep noise.

"I like it . . . very much," I clarified, actually feeling how much I liked it slip down my thighs. "Can't you smell it?"

Jacob groaned and pulled his head back so he could take my lips again, moving his hand into a slow rhythm now.

"You better fucking believe I can," he growled against my lips and my body nearly melted. How Jacob constantly held himself above me I would never know. Then Jacob's hand paused for the briefest second, shifted, and I found our positions reversed. His hand cupping mine. "But I have to say I like this better."

Hm - as much as I liked thinking about Jacob's hands on himself, I had to agree that I liked this better too. Especially when Jacob's hand began guiding mine, taking control, something he hadn't done since the very first time I touched him, and even then only briefly.

"Mm, I like this better too," I breathed, slightly shocked by the heat of Jacob there. I had forgotten how here seemed to be hotter than everywhere else. "You're so hot, Jacob."

I felt Jacob smirk against my lips and I kissed him harder.

"No," I corrected into his cocky mouth, tightening my fingers around him on my own, making Jacob groan. "Here. Your skin is . . . so much hotter than everywhere else."

"It's the blood," Jacob explained and I blushed a little as I remembered that particular Biology lesson. Of course. "Is it ever . . . uncomfortable for you?"

"No," I hurried to assure him. If he knew just how un-uncomfortable it was. "No, Jacob, I love . . . your heat."

Jacob growled softly again and pulled away from my lips to nuzzle my nose and cheeks with his mouth. "You're the only hot thing I ever feel."

"What?" I asked, confused, pulling away to see Jacob's eyes more quickly. Jacob had told me once, a long time ago, that nothing felt hot to him anymore. Unless he wanted to stick his hand over an open flame. "I'm hot to you?"

"You're warm," Jacob said, the hand that was over mine sliding up my arm and to my shoulder, up to my neck so he could pull me in for a kiss. "Your body is. But . . . when I'm inside of you . . . it's hot."

* * *

**Coming up:**

"Mm?"

God, I felt almost delirious with pleasure. And . . . power. This kind of control. That I could make my husband feel and react like this with just my body. Jacob had always taken care of me, supported himself over me, took my pleasure into his hands.

Now I would take his into mine.

"You're not used . . . to being able to . . . touch me like this." I paused for breath, biting on my lip to keep a noise in as Jacob slide past that place inside of me. "When we . . . _what_, Jacob?"

"When we're - _God_. When we're together - like this."

"Say it, Jacob," I urged softly, my body tightening involuntarily and making Jacob let out a harsh breath. "Like you did before."


	74. In Which There is Heat

**_A/N:_** Okay, here is the chapter you've all been waiting for - the lead up to which prompted one of my lovely readers to title me as _Cruel Mistress of the Sheets_. I'll take that title and wear it proudly! I do hope I've gained some redemption though, since this scene lasts the entire chapter. This is Jacob and Nessie's reunion in a lot of ways, and an important chapter, so please enjoy.

And make sure to tell me your thoughts on the coming up!

Now, I'm going to announce it again here because my last A/N was so long, I know most of you skipped over it - **_I have banners now!_** You can find them, along with credits to all the lovely ladies who made them, on my profile. Please mention in your review (*hinthint*) what you think!

**_Disclaimer:_** I own none of it, but I cannot sing the praises of Kina Grannis enough. Youtube her and listen to everything there. I guarantee you'll fall in love.

* * *

In Which There is Heat

* * *

_this is a message from your heart  
pounding away into the dark  
you could thank me for a start  
this is a message from your heart_

_- kina grannis, message from your heart_

-

I shivered hard, thinking about the implications of what Jacob was telling me. I was hot to him. In - inside my body was hot to him, the only heat he felt. That made me feel . . . strangely proud.

I was the only heat one of the hottest men in the world felt. I loved that I could do that for my Jacob.

And I realized, my hand still moving up and down absently along Jacob, that I still missed him. Terribly now.

I lightened my touched and kissed Jacob once more before pulling back to check his eyes.

"I still miss you, Jake," I whispered, knowing Jacob would understand my meaning, and the look in his dark eyes told me that he did.

"Me too," Jacob agreed, his voice tight, and he reached down and pulled my hand gently from his body. I slid it up his stomach to his chest, gripping the muscle there briefly. "We'll have to fix that."

"Please."

I wanted to cry with relief when I felt Jacob's hand snake up around my backside to pull me closer. My body was taut with nerves, but desire too, and I didn't think I could wait another second.

Jacob reached behind him and removed another pillow, leaving him with only two, throwing it to the floor with the other discarded one. He leaned back the extra room it allowed, sliding to rest his head and shoulders against them so he was almost lying down.

Jacob's hand, along my hip now, tugged gently and so I widened my knees, lowering myself slightly. I braced my hands as lightly as I could on Jacob's stomach, unable to take my eyes from his face as he brought his hand down between our bodies.

The next thing I felt was Jacob, impossibly hot and finally there, between my legs. Brushing me, making me want to cry out. The undiluted heat, skin against skin like I'd only felt a few times.

Jacob bit his lip and looked like he was holding his breath as he brushed himself back and forth across me, torturing. I leaned back a little more to help with my balance and Jacob's brushing abruptly stopped.

"Nessie," he said roughly, his eyes withdrawn, and I swear I knew what he was going to say before he said it. "Can you - do you want to go and get - "

"No condoms, Jacob," I interrupting, forcing the thought that they were in all likelihood useless out of my head. Not now, Nessie. And I reached down and wrapped my fingers around Jacob, where he was positioning himself.

I took over his hand, brushing him back and forth across me and probably only teasing myself worse. Jacob groaned, and if his head hadn't been back against pillows, he looked like he would have rolled it back.

"You're back now, we're both safe, and nothing is after me," I reminded him. "I want it like this, finally - me and you with nothing in between."

Jacob was silent for a long moment before he nodded twice deeply.

"O-okay," he conceded, and I soared. "All right, honey."

I smiled, a happy, nervous smile but the corners of Jacob's lips barely turned up. His eyes were too dark for smiling. Jacob brushed himself up and down me once more.

"Are you ready, baby?" He asked kindly, so beautiful and perfect under me and I was unsure I could do this. "Are you okay like this?"

"I - I am," I assured, despite the nerves beginning to flutter around my stomach, racing my desire. "Just - help me?"

"Always, honey," Jacob promised, but through his teeth, and I knew this was sweet torture for him too. Jacob's hand came away to cover mine, and he positioned himself at my entrance. His other hand held my hip firmly, large enough to cup it entirely and still allow his thumb to wrap around part of my thigh. "Now . . . just . . . lower yourself down when you're ready."

I took another deep breath, my fingers sliding up along Jacob and my other hand balanced carefully on his lower stomach, and lowered myself a millimeter. Just enough to feel him nestled against where I wanted him to go.

I heard Jacob's heart speed up, and I felt mine, just as Jacob gripped my hip tighter, actually supporting part of my weight.

Then, slowly, I lowered myself down an inch, pushing through the slight resistance . . . and then I was home. I gasped and closed my eyes briefly against the tightness and heat and skin that I wasn't used to feeling, having only felt it once before . . . not to mention it had been so long . . .

I opened my eyes to see Jacob's lip between his teeth, and his eyes on mine. He was breathing hard through his nose, his entire body taut under me. Not for long though - I was about to relieve his tension.

I took another second and lowered myself down another inch, Jacob's hand helping me when I needed to move and holding me when I stalled. I was stretched more, harder and wider than before, but I welcomed the discomfort. Without it, I wouldn't have . . . this. And there was nothing worth giving that up for.

It was only when Jacob asked if I was okay that I realized I was panting. I just nodded yes.

I was just . . . overloaded. The sensations and the desire and the connection after so, so long, on top of being, well . . . on top. Jacob always gave me just what I needed, like he _knew. _He was slow when I needed slow and fast when I needed fast.

Now I was the one in control.

I forced my eyes open and looked at Jacob, the muscles in his broad chest expanding with his ragged breath. His eyes all over me, his body tight with desire under me.

I knew what Jacob needed.

So, bracing myself, I removed my hand that was on Jacob's body to rest with the other on his stomach. The muscles almost . . . rolled under my fingers, and my thighs literally trembled. Then I locked my eyes on my beautiful husband, and brought my body down completely.

I had taken Jacob into my body dozens of times before, but none of those times had prepared me for this. So _deep_, deeper than Jacob had ever been, my body taking in every inch of him until the creases of my thighs were pressed flat against Jacob's skin, our hips touching.

The - the angle . . . filling me like I'd never been filled before. On top of that, the pressure that had been building in my belly from Jacob's first kiss this morning. It burned inside me, racing through my body.

I couldn't fight the wave anymore, not now, and I clutched Jacob's stomach tightly as my body clenched hard around him. My body felt the need to move, for the thrusting friction Jacob usually provided, but I was unsure how to do that and so I stayed stationary.

I vaguely heard Jacob cursing, but nothing really penetrated my haze until I felt his hand, the one not on my hip, reach up and press against my favorite place. Jacob dragged my pleasure out, his voice a steady stream of terms of endearments intermingled with obscenities.

The wave rolled over me, hot and heavy, seizing my body up until all there was in the world was Jacob and this . . . pleasure. I don't know how long - it could have been seconds or minutes or fucking hours - before I came down.

I forced my eyes open, sated and yet craving more, to see Jacob's eyes on me. Darker that I'd ever seen them, literally panting. His right hand left from between my legs and moved back to grip my hip like his other was.

"Goddamn it, Nessie," he cursed breathlessly, and I immediately felt embarrassed. After all the fuss I'd made about waiting for Jacob and then to just - "How the fuck do you do shit like that to me?"

"W-what?"

"When you . . . _fuck_," Jacob cursed, and I felt him shift his hips against mine and then wince. My hands immediately slid down a few inches, restraining Jacob's hips the best I could. I hated that he had to hurt. "When you come undone like that . . . can't you feel what it does to me?"

I could. Definitely. I could definitely feel what it did to him, how hard - if it was possible, harder even than before - he was. I still wasn't used to his feeling, this kind of connection.

And I wanted to use it, but I didn't know how.

"I can," I answered, my inner muscles tightening a little at the thought, and Jacob groaned out loud. "And I'll . . . I want to make it better for you, Jake . . . just. . . show me how?"

Jacob bit his lip again, but briefly this time, and the hand that was on my left hip slid over to caress my stomach. Up, nearly to my breasts but not quite, and just like that I was trembling again.

"Are you . . . " Jacob's hand came back down to its place at my hip, holding firmly, but still not rough. "Are you ready to move?"

I nodded yes, breathlessly, sliding my hands up from Jacob's hips to his stomach.

"Okay, baby . . . lean forward and put your weight on me," Jacob instructed in his low, rough tone. "With your hands."

I obeyed, letting my hands slide up even more, to Jacob's chest, when I realized that was more comfortable. I felt closer to him this way too, my face above his.

"Are you comfortable?" Jake breathed, his left hand sliding back to caress my backside once, briefly. I nodded, and Jacob's hands came back to grip my hips. "Okay . . . move with my hands."

I did, shifting my weight as Jacob's strong hands pulled on my hips, guiding them back up and making me rise up a little higher on my knees. I experienced that fleeting stab of panic I had felt the first time Jacob had entered me and withdrawn, of losing him, but it was much smaller this time as I knew he was coming right back.

Or in this case, I was.

Jacob drew my hips up slowly and then down again, hissing through his teeth as we were brought back together. He paused for a second when my weight was resting back against him, then he guided me again. Slow, steady, even movements until my body was moving languidly and easily over his.

Our breathing grew heavy together and I grew used to the new angle. Jacob brushed passed that good place inside of me with every pass, pure heat pooling inside my belly.

Jacob's hands pulled my hips down against him once more and I started to drag my body up before he prompted me. He licked his lips and let out another ragged breath.

"D'you . . . still need my hands?"

I shook my head. I didn't think I did now.

When Jacob removed them, sliding them up to rub across my stomach, I knew I didn't. I could do this all on my own, pleasure my husband.

"Good," Jacob bit out, and I whimpered slightly when his fingers came up to pluck at my nipple. "Because I can think of a few other things to do with them."

"My hands," I panted, whimpering a little as Jacob cupped my breast perfectly in his hand, massaging just hard enough. "Are a little . . . tied up right now."

"I know the feeling," Jake half-murmured, half groaned, bringing his hands back down to my stomach, the muscles there trembling under his touch. "I'm not used - fuck. I'm not used to being able to . . . touch you . . . like this, when we're . . . "

I brought my body back down fully, taking a moment to savor the pure connection, before I brought my hips back up again. It was clear that Jacob needed movement, he was panting hard, and he couldn't even thrust up into my body the small bit he might have been able to if he wasn't injured.

He was being so good about controlling himself. I would have to take good care of him.

I picked up my pace, the smallest bit, making a more steady rhythm, and Jacob groaned out loud. It seemed like he had no intentions to finish his sentence.

"When we're . . . " I paused breathlessly to drag my hips back up, taking pleasure in the way Jacob's eyes fluttered closed. Almost like the pleasure was too much. "When we're what, Jacob?"

"Mm?"

God, I felt almost delirious with pleasure. And . . . power. This kind of control. That I could make my husband feel and react like this with just my body. Jacob had always taken care of me, supported himself over me, took my pleasure into his hands.

Now I would take his into mine.

"You're not used . . . to being able to . . . touch me like this." I paused for breath, biting on my lip to keep a noise in as Jacob slide past that place inside of me. "When we . . . _what_, Jacob?"

"When we're - _God_. When we're together - like this."

"Say it, Jacob," I urged softly, my body tightening involuntarily and making Jacob let out a harsh breath. "Like you did before."

Jacob's fluttered open fully, his tongue coming out to wet his lips, the sight literally affecting my body.

His eyes held mine, firm and strong, and he panted roughly, "When I'm making love to you."

A small moan escaped at the words anyway, and I decided I wouldn't hold them back anymore. Jacob said he liked to hear anyway. I would let him hear then, hear exactly what he did to me.

"Well, you can touch me now," I invited, knowing Jacob needed no invitation. "If you want . . . but you don't have to. You can just . . . sit back and let me take care of you. Let me make love to you, Jacob."

I had never said anything like that before, and I wasn't even sure if I'd said it properly. If it could be turned like that, but Jacob moaned loudly and pushed his head back further into the pillow. His body . . . pulsed inside me and his hips shifted.

He cursed, half from pleasure, but partly from pain, and so I brought my body down against his quickly, resting my weight on him so his hips stayed stationary.

"No, my Jacob," I warned, bringing my body up, just slightly, and then down again. "Don't hurt yourself. Tell me what you need. Do you need more?"

Jacob's eyes were wild and beautiful as he looked up at me. Beads of sweat were forming around his temples, dampening his beautiful hair. I wanted to lick it away, but I stayed where I was.

"Faster, Nessie . . . faster, _please_."

I loved that Jacob could ask me for this, what I had asked him for so many times. Faster, Jacob. Faster.

"Yes, my love," I murmured back, my heart racing as I tried to make the new, faster rhythm that Jacob's body needed. "Like . . . this?"

"God, Nessie, you're perfect." I shuddered as Jacob reached up and held my waist, his strong thumbs reaching forward to massage my stomach. I wondered, for the briefest of seconds, before I snatched the thought away.

With my hands on Jacob's body like this, no risks could be taken.

And with the fire, the one burning in my body and the one that was my husband under me, it wasn't hard to think of something else.

The only thing - the only thing missing from this powerful, glorious, erotic experience was Jacob's kiss. I had his body, deeper inside me than ever before and his hands against me like they never had been during our times like this, but his lips . . . were so far.

I hadn't felt their touch - on my own mouth or my cheeks or my neck or my breasts. The was a small, aching part inside of me that felt like this _experience_ could not be complete without it.

Taking the cues from Jacob's straining body, I sped up my pace again before he could become frustrated enough to hurt himself again. My eyes floated between open and closed for a few delirious seconds as I worked to bring Jacob to the brink. When I knew - deep in my bones - that he was inches away from beginning to shudder under me, Jacob's voice called me out.

Out of my haze, back to him.

"Your mouth - Nessie . . . "

"My mouth?" I breathed back, trying to control my tone at the rate my body was working. I definitely held a new appreciation for what Jacob did for me every time we were together, not only controlling our coupling but touching and kissing me as well. Also whispering sweet things to me throughout. "Where, Jacob?"

Jacob's hands removed themselves from my stomach, one sliding up my back from under my arms and the other up my arm, cupping it easily in his large hand.

"I wanna . . ._ fuck_. I wanna kiss you, Ness," Jacob panted, and my body responded. Oh, did it respond. "Come down here, baby."

"H-how?"

It seemed like a silly question, but I wasn't sure how to make the transition from . . . where I was, to where I wanted to be without . . . disrupting this.

Jacob made a sound that could have been a chuckle or a groan, and both of his hands moved to hold me, firmly, just under my breasts.

"Let go, baby, I've got you," he instructed, but I felt uneasy leaving all of my weight up to Jacob's arms like that. "Move your arms down onto the bed, under mine - yeah, now lean your weight down on me, honey."

Jacob's body seemed to react to me obeying him just like mine reacted to receiving his commands. Once I was in place, braced on my elbows on the mattress just under Jacob's arms, we were _much_ closer.

We both hissed as our torsos came into contact, my nipples sliding across Jacob's chest in the best way. Jacob's hands slid down my body to cup my backside firmly before he brought them back to my hips. My knees slid back as far as they could without leaving the mattress, until my body was stretched out over Jacob.

Our lips were inches apart.

I could smell his breath - taste it even - and it was exactly the same as it was in that very first dream in my bedroom months ago and every time after. Like October and maple syrup and the woods at night, and it still made me happy and nervous the same way it did back then.

I was preparing myself to lean forward to give Jacob his kiss when he brought his head straight off the pillow and captured my lips with his. We had never had a kiss quite like this before, so tender with an underlying wildness, so much love and almost more passion. Not hard and fast, but almost.

Jacob's mouth claimed my lips like they always had, and I did my best to kiss him back as much as I could, still trying to maintain my body's movement over him. Soon his hands on my hips overtook that though, and then he was guiding me there too.

Jacob's tongue slipped passed my lips and met mine with a tenderness that, combined with the electricity in my body and the love in my heart, almost made me cry.

"I - I love you, Jacob," I tried to mumble to him through his kisses, and it came out jumbled, but by the way Jacob's racing heart thrummed even faster against mine, I could tell he understood. "So much."

"God, Nessie," Jacob muttered back, and his lips moved more insistently against mine. His teeth nipped my bottom lip as his hands brought me down against him again and I whined into his mouth. "So much. Love you so . . . fucking much."

"I don't want to miss you anymore," I muttered, kissing him harder, and feeling desperate without really understanding or caring why. "Jake . . . "

Jacob's hands picked up their pace, helping me bring my body down against his, harder and faster than before.

"You won't - " Jacob groaned as my body tightened around him. He brought me up and then back down again. I kissed him harder. "You won't miss me anymore, Ness, I swear. This . . . is it."

This was it. This was our reunion.

Jacob was back. He was here with me, healing and making love to me and it was all going to be okay, and this might have been the first time I really, truly understood that. This was it. I wouldn't have to miss Jacob anymore, ever again.

"This is it," I repeated, tasting the words.

Jacob's breathing grew more ragged and his body tensed, his hands only moving themselves and . . . me more frantically and I knew what was coming. I moved my body against Jacob's, matching his rhythm, trying with the same franticness to help him get there.

Finally, Jacob's mouth stilled against mine, lips parted and he let out a deep groan into our kiss. His hands pulled me against him once more and then he held me there as his body tightened. I braced my knees the best I could on the bed and pressed my weight, our joined bodies, down together the best that I could to prevent his hips from thrusting up.

I knew Jacob's body - and mine - still needed the friction though, and so I rolled my hips in place the best I could. This produced a . . . grinding sensation that brought another pleasurable noise from Jacob's lips and one from mine too.

I kept this up and it wasn't three more seconds before I felt it. What I had only felt once before, and then hadn't had the time to savor: pure heat, wet heat filling my body. Jacob's hips jerked against mine and he groaned again, but I don't even think he felt the pain the action must have caused.

I rocked my hips more insistently as Jacob's heat washed through me, and then I was done too. I let my head fall forward into Jacob's neck, damp from sweat and smelling beautifully like him, and let my own wave wash over me.

It was strong and intense, building in my spine as well as my belly and making me want to cry out. All of my love and my pleasure, but I bit my lip on the loudest of it, so only a few strangled whines escaped.

Jacob's hands left my hips to circle my back, holding me as I shuddered above him, my hips still working against his. Then, with a deep exhale, Jacob's body went lax under me, mine following seconds later.

Finally, sated.

* * *

**Coming up:**

"Do you hear that?"

"Hear what?" I asked quietly, sliding one of my hands between our bodies to place against his chest. "I can hear your heart."

Jacob made a contented sound and held me tighter. The sweep of his fingers moved lower, down to the curve of my backside, and then back up to my shoulder blades.

"I hear yours too," he replied back, and I smiled into his skin. I hope my heartbeat comforted him the way his did for me. "But . . . you don't hear anything else?"

I listened, hard, and managed to discern my own heartbeat. It was always much harder to hear when I was so calm, but that was all.


	75. In Which Only Heartbeats are Heard

**_A/N: _**Hello, girls! Little announcement to make before we begin: _Hands on Me_ won a **Sparkle Award**! Yes, Best Jacob/Anyone Tale, and it's all because of _you_! You crazy beautiful girls! :D Thank you so much for voting! You're amazing and I love you forever!

Now, onto the chapter: a lot of ground is covered here. A little . . . Black family back history. I think it's cute and pretty realistic - I hope you all like it. Nessie and Jake, finally making their home a home. :)

**_((READ BELOW))_**

I've got more news - of the less exciting variety. I'm already prepping to dodge stones on this one, but I am taking a two week hiatus from updating. *dodges* Real life along with everything else has caught up with me and I refuse to let the quality of my writing suffer. Never fear though, my Daddy has gifted me with a brand new Macbook and it's straight to work wearing the keys out for me!

I will still be replying reviews and PMs, so I'm not disappearing, and I _promise _you that the reviews from this past update that weren't replied will be. I'm just really super tired and I wanted to get this out to you before I crashed. I think you deserve that much. So to sum up, I'm not disappearing, everything will continue to run, and updates will resume in two shorts weeks. I'll also still be hanging out on twitter and posting updates for anyone who would like mini-progress reports on how the writing's coming.

Thank you all so much for understanding - I know you're all too sweet not to. And thank you for sticking with me.

I love you all!

**_Disclaimer: _**If you never listen to another thing I say, Youtube this woman. This song. She's amazing.

* * *

In Which Only Heartbeats are Heard

* * *

_the other night when we laid together in the dark  
i placed my head upon your chest to hear your heart  
i tapped it out, morse code rhythms on the bed  
do you know that i understood each word that it said?_

_- kina grannis, these magnet hearts_

-

For a few long moments, the only sound was our breathing. Jacob's ragged panting slowing, my frantic breaths fading off. I could only lay there against him. The emotion coursing through my body was too strong.

The closeness and the security and the connection and the love. The promise. Together now.

I realized I couldn't hold it back, and so I turned my face away from Jacob's neck so I would at least have a chance of him not feeling the tears.

It wasn't a sobbing like last night, or even crying. It was just tears - happy, happy tears that I had what I had and it never would be lost again.

I shifted my body against Jacob's, the smallest bit, and we separated. I didn't feel empty though; I was still so gloriously . . . at peace that I wasn't sure how to contain it. When I did this though, Jacob's hands closed around my back, holding me there against him.

"Don't move yet," he murmured, and I wouldn't have dreamt of it.

I slid my legs down further, then over to lie between Jacob's, until I was over him in a way that wasn't possible . . . before. His hands slowly began moving up and down my back, a soothing rhythm, and I fought the urge to lull back to sleep. Like Jacob, I wasn't ready for this moment to end.

It felt like a long time before our hearts finally slowed. I brought my face back to rest in Jacob's neck and closed my eyes against his soft caressing. The only sound in the world I could hear was the _tha-thump, tha-thump, tha-thump_ of Jacob's heart, so close to my ear. So close to my own heart.

"Mmm," Jacob murmured, breaking the silence. "Ness?"

"Yes, my Jacob?" I asked into his neck, finally giving in to the urge and brushing my lips across his sweat-damp skin. I ran my tongue over my lips to see if I could taste him there, and I could.

"Do you hear that?"

"Hear what?" I asked quietly, sliding one of my hands between our bodies to place against his chest. "I can hear your heart."

Jacob made a contented sound and held me tighter. The sweep of his fingers moved lower, down to the curve of my backside, and then back up to my shoulder blades.

"I hear yours too," he replied back, and I smiled into his skin. I hope my heartbeat comforted him the way his did for me. "But . . . you don't hear anything else?"

I listened, hard, and managed to discern my own heartbeat. It was always much harder to hear when I was so calm, but that was all.

"I can hear mine . . . if I listen hard," I supplied, curious now. I lifted my heavy head up to look at Jacob; I had missed his face. "What do you hear, Jacob?"

One of Jacob's hands left my back and came up to cup my face. His brow furrowed, the smallest bit, and he drew his bottom lip between his teeth briefly.

"Don't worry about it, honey," he finally said, and then guided my face down to his for a soft kiss. "It's nothing."

I wanted to press, but didn't feel like I should. I didn't want to ruin this moment. Jacob would tell me in his own time; he always did.

I shifted again as I pulled myself up a little higher on Jacob's body and felt the aftermath . . . of our togetherness. The position, along with us not having used a condom had left more . . . mess than usual.

We needed a shower. Or at least to clean up a little. I don't think Jacob would be having a shower right now - even after our extended sleep, he looked exhausted. He should be, though - he had exerted his body beyond anything he'd done since he'd been home. He deserved a rest.

I slowly raised myself to my hands and knees above him and Jacob's eyes opened a little wider.

"Where're you going?"

"Well, you don't look like you feel like a shower," I explained, taking in his relaxed face and the tired way he moved. "But we both got a little messy. I was going to get something to . . . clean you up before I took a quick shower. Is that okay?"

"I'm not too tired to take a shower, Ness," he said, but his eyes told another story. "I'll get up and take one with you if you want."

"I do want," I assured him, leaning back down and pressing my lips to his. I thought of something and had to hold back a smile. "But you need to rest. I think . . . taking your medicine wore you out."

It was a second before Jacob's eyes lit with recognition. His lips tugged down like he wanted to smile.

"Mm, my medicine." His large, hot hand slid up my side and I relaxed into the touch. "I think we should . . . up my dose. You know, for the sake of my health."

Then his lips spread in the sexiest, knee-weakening grin. The joints holding my body over his seriously almost buckled.

"Twice a day?" I suggested, only half-playfully, thinking just how up to that I was. "Morning and night?"

Jacob made the mmm-noise again and pulled me down for another kiss. It was the perfect combination between tender and hot. "And maybe once in the afternoon if I'm not feeling so hot."

"You're always hot, Jacob," I said back, knowing he meant 'well', but unable to ignore the pun.

He just grinned that make-Nessie-crazy grin again.

"Go have your shower," Jacob said, once of his hands sliding up the back of my thigh to squeeze my backside. "Before I decide I need some more . . . medicine."

I obeyed him half-heartedly, crawling backwards down his body down to the end of the bed. I stood up on slightly shaky legs and brushed my hair back out of my face. With Jacob's eyes on my body, I walked to the bathroom door.

I had never been in Bi - _our_ bathroom before, but I was sure there would be a washcloth in there somewhere. There was, on a rack similar to the one in the other bathroom, and I grabbed two and turned the water on as hot as it would go.

I knew it would only feel like barely warm to Jacob, but I didn't want to shock him with the cold. I soaked one of the washcloths and then wrung it out well, shutting off the water and then taking them both back out to Jacob.

He had sat back up on his pillows the slightest bit more, but otherwise he was exactly the way I left him, fighting sleep.

I took a second to admire his naked body, laid out on the bed. All muscle and angles and smooth, russet skin. Jacob's hand reached out and fingered one of my curls as I kneeled beside the bed.

I touched the damp cloth, softly, to his thigh to check the temperature. He didn't jump, but his hand left my hair to curl lightly around my wrist.

"You don't have to - "

"I want to," I interrupted, sliding the cloth up to wipe the mess from Jacob's thighs. He made a small groan and I smiled. "I want to do this."

Jacob was half-hard again by the time I finished cleaning him, but when I set down the cloth and reached out to touch him, he caught my wrist again.

"Have your shower," he said quietly, and so I took it he didn't want to be touched again just yet. Maybe he was still tired.

I know my body felt like it wasn't ready to handle pleasure like that again quite yet. Maybe after a nap.

I showered quickly, not even washing my hair, just rinsing my body and washing between my legs. It wasn't that I was bothered by . . . but if I was going back to bed with Jacob, I wanted to be clean. Besides, I wasn't even sure if there were extra sheets for this bed anyway.

As I ran my hands down my stomach in the shower, I took my moment in privacy to think about what might - what would, what _would_ come. My stomach would swell, surely, my breasts would - hopefully - grow as they filled with milk.

I had thought about these things, during the sleepless nights when Jacob was gone and a few after he returned, watching his beautiful face. I had gotten very used to the idea that my body wouldn't change again - that was the hugest thing I had been celebrating on my seventh birthday.

After growing so much, so quickly, for . . . your entire life, you basically just want to be done with it. But now . . . the prospect of growing, or changing again wasn't as daunting as I had thought it would be.

I was . . . so excited, and scared, in a good kind of way. I didn't even take it as a possibility anymore; I knew it as sure as I knew my own name, as sure as my love for Jacob that I had our child growing inside of me.

And I felt horrible for . . . not lying to him, I refused to think of it as lying . . . but not being completely truthful. I wanted him to know - I wanted him to share my joy. I tried to imagine Jacob as a father, holding a small baby in his huge arms and the image never failed to bring a smile to my face and tears to my eyes.

The baby would be so comfortable there, warm and safe in his big, strong arms.

I sighed and turned off the water before my thoughts could go too far. I missed Jacob already, and thoughts of him were no substitute for the real thing.

I dried my body off and wrapped myself in a towel before I made my way back out to the bedroom. The handicap shower in this bathroom was very small; I took a few entertaining seconds to think how Jacob and I would fit together inside such a shower.

Jacob was where I left him, but under the covers this time. Well, partially. He had pulled them over himself, but then pulled them up off of his legs so he was only really covered from hip to knee.

He had one arm drawn up, resting on the pillow above his head and the other one laying on his stomach. His eyes fluttered open as I walked in. He lifted the arm that was on his stomach out, reaching for me and beckoning me in one and so I went, leaning over the side of the bed to kiss him soundly. I didn't bother to hold my hair back, since every time I did, Jacob just told me leave it, and it brushed across his chest.

"Are you coming to bed?" He asked, and if I hadn't been already, the look in his eyes would have done me in. So sweet, so I just nodded.

"I need a nap," I said, laughing a little. "But I still want get settled in some later on, and we'll need to eat eventually."

"We'll get to it," Jacob promised, pulling me in for another kiss. "Just come to bed for a little bit."

"Okay," I said quietly, pressing my lips to his one last time before I straightened up. Jacob's eyes watched me as I removed my towel, pulling it around to my front to pull away the last excesses of water.

"You're not going to put on clothes, are you?" He asked, looking almost horrified. I actually laughed at that, out loud.

I dropped the towel, only feeling the slightest twinge of shyness, to . . . sooth his fears.

"Just drying off, Jake," I said, climbing carefully over his legs and into bed beside him.

"Good, because I would've had to put my foot down," he half-joked, his eyes already fluttering shut as he held the covers open for me. He yawned and I smiled, snuggling up to his side. "You wore me out, Ness."

My first reaction was to smile, but then I realized wearing Jacob out might not be a good thing.

"Jacob," I wondered aloud, sitting up a little to see his face. "Was it . . . too much? Do you think Grandpa Carlisle was wrong?"

"Hell no, Ness." I was taken aback by the suddenness of Jacob's reply, but pleased too. I didn't want to give this up. "I - I'm tired, yeah, but I feel . . . it was like a hundred hot showers. My joints and everything feel so much better. I feel like I could run a mile . . . or at least walk across the room on my own. You know . . . "

"What?" I prodded, when he didn't finish his thought. It was . . . beyond amazing to hear that - that being with me made Jacob feel so . . . good.

Jake looked pretty thoughtful now, and I noticed him press his tongue into the wall of his cheek slightly. He didn't do that much, but occasionally when he was trying to figure something out he did. It was . . . the word cute would insult him, so I'll use endearing.

"Doctor Va - _Carlisle_," Jacob caught himself, making me smile. He really did try to be sweet. "When he told me about the - you know, he kept talking about hormones and endorphins and all this other science shit . . . but I don't think it's much to do with any of that."

"You don't?" I felt my brows knit together. What could it be then?

"He said . . . it would help me feel better, so I'd heal faster . . . but I don't think he meant it'd be like this," Jacob said, looking almost a little in awe, and shaking his head. "I'm tired as hell, I mean, of course since the most exercise I've had in weeks is walking to the bathroom, but Nessie . . . I feel _good_."

"I'm so glad," was all I said, quietly, and leaned up to kiss under his jaw.

"I don't think you even understand . . . it's like, you remember that time in the hotel when - with your stomach?" He asked, and I blushed as I remembered it. My first period alone with Jacob. "And you remember how . . . after it stopped, you were so . . . just relaxed?"

I nodded again, because I did. The final rush of relief after the pain, where you were so grateful for the reprieve that all you wanted to do was sleep.

"It's kinda like that," he explained, biting the inside of his lip for a second. "My joints were all stiff from laying down for so long, and they're not anymore. The pain in my back is more bearable. I mean - I know I'm not healed or anything, but God . . . it's you, Nessie."

"I'm _so_ glad," I repeated, scooting myself up higher and turning Jacob's face towards mine to kiss his full lips. "I'm _so_ glad I can do anything to make you feel better, baby."

"I thought just being near you helped, but . . . "

"Being with you helps so much more," I finished, knowing what he wanted to say. Jacob wasn't the only one whose aches were soothed. I think I understood exactly what he meant, even if the . . . magicalness of it all took me a little by surprise. "I know, Jake."

"For you too?"

His eyes, when he asked me that, were so open and amazing and beautiful. I saw all of his love for me, just then.

"For me too," I promised.

Jacob's lips kissed mine, one more time, stronger than I expected. Then he pulled me down into his shoulder and I went, turning and resting my thigh between his like always. We hadn't done it like this in a while though. Naked.

"I haven't forgot about that dresser, honey," Jake muttered, already starting to drift off. Just the fact that he was bringing it up touched me. "We'll do it this afternoon, I promise."

"Don't worry about it, Jake," I assured him. "Just rest."

"No, no, I want you to . . . feel like you're home . . . this is your home."

"You're my home, Jacob," I said, pressing a kiss to the skin of his chest. I knew Jacob wanted to make me to feel welcome in his family's house, but what he didn't realize was that he already had. "Now sleep."

He did, and I followed soon after.

When I woke up a few hours later, Jacob was watching me. I sat up and kissed him softly for a few nice seconds before he brought up the dresser again. I think he was mentioning it to be sweet after telling me not to worry about it a couple of times.

I crawled out of bed and wrapped myself in my towel from before, despite Jake's vocal disapproval, and winked at him before I sprinted off to Jacob's old room. I found Jacob a pair of his own gym shorts, which would probably be much looser and more comfortable, and dug myself out a fresh pair of panties and a t-shirt.

Keeping it minimal for Jake.

I'd have to slowly work him back into me wearing clothes around the house. In the bedroom was fine, but I'd like a little more protection when I was cooking or doing dishes.

It wasn't just all for Jake though. I love how Jacob loved my body, and how his eyes always follow me. If I'm in the same room and leaning over or bending down, I can always find his eyes and know they'll be on me.

How they're always on me, when we're close together.

I dressed there in front of the suitcases, throwing my towel onto what for the first two weeks of mine and Jacob's marriage was our marital bed. I smiled, looking at it and remembering all the things that had happened there.

When Jacob was better, we'd have to make a . . . visit to this room.

I carried the shorts and the bag with most of my clothes in it to the room, glad to see the suitcase had wheels. Jacob might have pitched a fit at me trying to carry it if it hadn't.

I helped Jacob back into his shorts and then helped him get comfortable at the foot of the bed, propping some pillows behind his back so he wouldn't get tired. We spent the rest of the afternoon cleaning out the main dresser.

It was a sad, nice kind of experience. Sad because sometimes Jacob would see something and his eyes would . . . change, in a not nice way. A sad way. But nice because sometimes he'd see something and burst into laughter, which was always followed by a story that made me laugh too.

There were a few things Jacob looked at long and hard before asking me to put into the pile to be donated to charity. I always tried to talk him into keeping these things, but he'd only shake his head and say it was better off with someone who needed it.

He kept a few things - several handfuls of wooden carvings in the top drawer, an old belt buckle, a large wooden hairbrush.

The belt buckle used to always be worn by Billy, Jacob explained, when he was little. And the carvings, some were done by Billy himself and some by Jacob when he was much younger. These I examined, carefully, like if I stared hard enough I would be able to see into the past.

See a young, long-haired Jacob sitting with his father and whittling away to make these pretty little creations. Jacob had improved very much since he made these; Billy's and Jake's were very easy to tell apart.

"I think Native houses are the only ones where the men use the hairbrushes as much as the women," he'd said, which made me realize he was right. Both Billy and Jacob, when he was younger, had long hair. Longer than Rachel kept hers now, really. Jacob also hefted brush in his hand, flipping it over, and sighed. "Felt this thing a couple of times."

I reached up and brushed my fingers through Jacob's much shorter locks, although I considered his hair long now.

"Did you used to brush your hair with this?" I asked, trying to imagine it, but my imagining was cut off by Jacob's barking laugh.

"Hell no, I hated this thing," he swore, then looked at me for a second. Then he laughed again. "Nessie, I didn't feel this in my hair."

I felt my brow knit in confusion, and Jacob grinned.

"This was used as a . . . " Jacob's eyes rolled upwards for a second as he thought. "An attitude adjuster, in our house."

My face remained confused. How could a hairbrush adjust someone's attitude?

"Jacob, I don't - " I said confusedly, shaking my head. He just laughed again.

"Well, when we were little kids, and we copped attitudes," Jacob said slowly, his eyes dancing, watching mine like he was waiting for me to get it. "Billy _adjusted_ them with this."

And he tapped the back of the hairbrush lightly against my thigh.

Then . . . I got it. Or I _thought_ I did. I gasped at the implications of what my being right might mean.

"Billy . . . hit you with this?" I asked, in disbelief.

I was sure I was wrong. I was sure Jacob would be offended just at me asking, but he just laughed and tapped my thigh lightly again.

"Well, it's not _hitting_, Nessie, but I've definitely been whacked with this more times than I want to remember," he said, laughing like it was funny.

I felt so confused.

"Nessie, honey, you have to realize not all children were sweet little angels like you," he said wrapping his arm around me and pulling me close. "I think the worst thing you ever did was refuse to eat your 'gross people food'."

"So?" I asked, my eyes still wide with shock. "What - what could you possibly have done to . . . ?"

"Lots of things," Jacob chuckled, setting the brush on the bed beside him. "Little boys get into way more trouble than sweet little girls, although I don't ever remember Rachel or Rebecca being all that sweet. Talking back, saying no, doing thing you knew you weren't supposed to. Doing things that could hurt you or other people."

"But still . . . " I said, struggling with the concept. I'd always been forbidden from hitting _anybody_. Especially in anger.

"Billy never hit us when he was angry, Ness," Jacob said, and I snatched my fingers back when I realized I had opened our connection by resting my hand on his back. "He always cooled down first if he was too hot."

Jacob's arm around me shook me playfully when I didn't respond.

"What're you, now, worried about me?" He laughed. "Listen, honey, different kids are different. I can guarantee you if I'd done something and Billy had pointed his finger and told me not to do it again, I'd go straight ahead and do it anyway. I did, actually, and that's what this thing was for."

I tried to imagine Jacob, like I had seen him in those pictures, small and skinny and long-haired, scrunching up his nose or stamping his foot or running away when he had been told to come.

It made me giggle, just a little, until I had the thought of someone _hitting_ him.

"So you don't think I'm tough enough to take a few whacks with his thing, huh?" Jacob teased, lifting the brush and kind of shaking it at me. I buried my face in his shoulder so he wouldn't see me smile. "Come on, Nessie, you've seen it on cartoons or something before, haven't you?"

Well, yeah, sure, I'd seen kids or animals or whatever get smacked on cartoons. But they weren't Jacob.

"I just . . . don't like the idea of anyone hitting you," I mumbled, feeling silly. Of course, Billy hadn't and would never have _hurt_ Jacob, but it was just the thought.

"I think you might have changed your mind if you had seen me," Jacob said, jiggling me playfully under his arm again, trying to make me smile. "I could be a little brat if I wanted to be. Aw, Ness . . . you're not mad at Billy now, are you?"

"No!" I heard the teasing in his voice, but I didn't know if it was cloaked in real concern. I didn't want him to think that, because it was true, I wasn't. It was just - like a lot of things - something that had never occurred to me. "I'm not, Jacob, of course not - "

"I know, honey, I'm playing," Jacob said, dipping his head and I took the hint and strained up so he could kiss me. "And don't even worry about it - all it ever did was sting and make you cry and whine for a little bit."

Jacob crying? That was even worse!

I think it showed on my face because Jacob smiled kindly, chuckling a little, and kissed me again.

"Come on, Ness, I wouldn't want to keep it if it was so scarring," he said, tapping it against my thigh one more time and then tossing it lightly to my other side where the pile of stuff to keep was. "We'll stop talking about it if it bothers you - I wouldn't have mentioned it if I knew . . . "

"No, no, Jacob," I said, shaking my head and feeling even sillier. I didn't want Jacob hesitant to tell me stories from his childhood because he thought it's upset me. "I want to hear all the things about how you grew up - I'm just not familiar with some things, is all . . . "

"Okay," Jacob agreed, and I strained up and took another kiss. I was tempted to pull myself even closer, but I knew where that would lead and we had stuff everywhere that still needed to be put away. "You wanna keep working?"

"Mmhm," I murmured, taking a second to clear my head. "I want to hear the other stories behind the things you want to keep."

We finished out the dresser that afternoon, and I felt simultaneously excited and guilty as I started to unload my clothes to pack into the dresser. Like I was taking Billy's place, shoving him out of the way, but Jacob didn't seem to hold anything against me.

The dresser had six drawers, three on each side. I wanted to make one side for me and one for Jacob - it was fun to plan out where each category of clothing would go. I felt . . . very wifely.

I decided my top drawer - the left side - would be for my underwear and bras. And the . . . the silky, satiny, stringy things Alice had bought for me. Maybe now I would gather the courage to wear some of them. I saw clothes I hadn't managed to discover during the two weeks we were married before Jacob went away, and Jacob . . . saw some things he liked too.

Several times he stopped me, asking me to hold something up or hand it to him for further inspection. I loveD and at the same time was a little embarrassed by the way his eyes would roll over the clothes, and then me, like he was imagining them on my body.

Then he'd bite his lip, or the inside of his cheek and just hand it back, or lift his eyebrows to let me know he was finished. And I would fold it and put it away, blushing.

Since Jacob didn't have underwear or hardly any socks to speak of, I decided his top drawer would be for his phasing and house clothes. His faded t-shirts and old gym shorts and ratty, cut-off sweats that he only wore for patrol or when he was hanging out at home.

Jacob just rolled his eyes when I ran out of the room and came back with arms full of his clothes. I decided the second drawer for Jacob would be his t-shirts, which he had a lot of, and the bottom for his jeans. Not many pairs would fit - most would probably need to be hung in the closet - so I just put the ones he wore the most.

I put my jeans in the bottom drawer, all of which fit since they were considerably smaller, and in the middle drawer I put my t-shirts and my Alice-given bottom pieces and tops, or the ones that could be folded anyway. There were several blouses that needed to be hung up, so I left them out to find a place for later.

And just like that, our dresser was done.

I turned back to Jacob, grinning wide, and he opened his arms for me. I went and stood between his knees and pressed a warm kiss to his lips.

"Done," I said happily. Now it . . . really felt like home. Permanent.

"I've got you here now," Jacob teased, lifting his chin to kiss my top lip tenderly. "You're stuck. There's no escape."

Jacob helped me fold up the rest of Billy's things, the ones he wouldn't be keeping, and we packed them away into the suitcase. Jacob said he wanted to take them to the charity shop, so it would wait until after he was better. I agreed, since that was something Jacob definitely needed to do himself, and rolled the suitcase back to Jacob's room so it was out of the way.

I came back and gathered the few things Jacob decided to keep, the only recent addition an old flannel shirt.

"What kind of son would I be if I didn't keep one of his fishing shirts?" Jacob asked, trying to be cheerful in a brief sober moment, and I kissed him so he wouldn't look so sad.

I folded the shirt neatly and placed it in the drawer with Jacob's shirts, making Jake smile when he noticed, and set the hairbrush on the corner of the dresser. Then I took the carvings and set them up, one by one, so they lined across the dresser.

Jacob's hand was reaching for me when I stood back up. He kissed me, so tenderly, but with a passion behind it that made my eyes prick again. His arm around my waist, tight.

After that was done, Jacob got up and walked into the living room, so I could fix us something to eat. I made a couple of stacks of sandwiches, thankful when I found the sandwich meat in the fridge. Something I could tolerate.

We ate together and watched a movie; I let Jacob choose this time. He chose some action movie with a lot of cursing and even more shooting, but I was just enjoying being with him.

It was dark outside after the movie finished, and Jacob was looking tired again, so with one more sandwich, we headed back to the bedroom.

We were both pretty tired after a day that was more emotionally exhausting than physically, although for my sweet husband it was that too.

We still managed to get Jacob his medicine one more time before we fell asleep, though. In each other's arms, like we belonged.

* * *

**Coming up:**

"Yeah . . . bring her here."

I knelt beside Jacob on the couch, watching the perfect way he cradled his arms to receive the baby. It surprised me, because I couldn't remember seeing Jacob hold a baby once in my life. I couldn't really remember seeing a baby once in my life before Katie and Dylan either though, not personally like this.

I leaned in and settled Katie gently into his waiting arms. She didn't cry or whine once as the transition took place, and she didn't seem bothered by Jacob's slightly hotter skin. It probably reminded her of her own father.

I took a second to watch how Jacob cradled her, so effortlessly, like he had done it a thousand times before.

"Have you . . . held a baby before?" I asked curiously. He just seemed . . . so at home with one in his arms, I had to wonder.

But Jacob just smiled, his eyes dancing, and pressed his lips together. He watched me for a long second.

"You," he said finally, letting a small smile slip. "I used to hold you."


	76. In Which Everyone Wants Jacob's Arms

**_A/N: _**Hello, ladies, it's good to be back! Did you miss me? Be honest!

I really hope you like how this chapter goes, because I find it freaking adorable. And I just think I should warn you, we're getting close to the end. I think I've been writing slowly because I'm not ready for it, and I promised myself I wouldn't drag it out, but it's inevitable. I promise though, you'll be warned as soon as it's done. I wouldn't spring it on you like that - I'm not that cruel.

Some bits of news: I've posted a new one-shot - it's an Edward POV (don't look at me like that, it was a Christmas present for a friend), with much Nessie and considerable amounts of Jacob. It's called _Bridging the Gaps_, and I actually kind of like it, so check it out!

Also, the **Fictionators **recc'd_ If You're Mine_ for One-Shot Wednesday! How awesome is that! So go to the blog and tell them how awesomely awesome they are for recc'ing me and they should do it more often! Please?

Anyway, I loved and missed you girls tons - I hope your holidays rocked, and I'm sorry for taking so long to reply, but better late than never, right?

**_Disclaimer: _**You can thank Katie for the title, which is awesomely awesome, but I did do the lyrics on my own! Don't own them either though. :(

* * *

In Which Everyone Wants to Be in Jacob's Arms

* * *

_oh, half of my heart's got a grip on the situation  
half of my heart takes time  
half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you_

_- john mayer ft. taylor swift, half of my heart_

_-_

A sharp ringing drew me out of my sweet, blissful unconsciousness. I groaned and shifted in Jacob's arms, apparently waking him too.

"S'tha phone," he muttered, shifting his weight and throwing an arm over his eyes. "S'on your side . . . "

I rolled tiredly out of my Jacob's arms and to the other side of the bed, where the phone sat on its base, ringing shrilly. Like its sole purpose was to wake me from my peaceful sleep. I grabbed it and rolled back towards Jacob. He flinched away from the noise.

"Want to answer, Jake?" I asked, and he shook his head, lifting his arm so his eyes could peep down at me sleepily.

"Your house," he said, a slow smile tugging around his lips. "You answer it."

I smiled back and hit the answer button, mainly as a reprieve from the horrible noise. I pressed the phone to my ear and settled back under Jacob's arm.

"Hello?"

"Nessie?" A voice I probably would have been able to place better if I had not been half-asleep asked. "This is Emily - did I wake you?"

"It's - it's fine," I returned, since I didn't want to lie, but didn't want to make Emily feel bad either. "How are you, Emily?"

"I'm really good, actually," her voice said, and I could hear a fussy baby in the background. "I was actually - I'm out, and I understand if it's too early, but I feel really bad about not getting to see Jacob since he'd been back. And I've got a little housewarming-slash-wedding gift for you too, if you don't mind me swinging by? I just never got the chance to give you anything before."

"You don't have to give us anything," I assured her, feeling touched by the gesture and the slightest, tiniest bit annoyed at having my sleep with Jacob cut short. "But you know you're more than welcome, anytime."

"Okay, that's great, I'll be there in . . . is half an hour good?" Emily questioned. "Jacob is feeling up to seeing people, isn't he? I'd hate to put any extra stress on him."

I looked up at Jacob who was rolling his eyes. He let them flutter closed again after he did.

"He's pretty tough," I said, leaving the phone to balance on my ear so I could reach my free arm over to trail lightly down Jacob's side. He jumped a little as it tickled, his hand shooting down to catch my wrist. I pulled it free so I could go back to holding the phone with it. "I think he'll be all right."

"Okay!" She announced happily, with an air of finality. "I'll see you in thirty minutes or so."

"Sounds good."

"Bye, Nessie."

"Bye, Emily," I said, then pulled the phone away from my ear to press the end button.

I let my hand, phone and all, fall onto Jake's chest. He made a soft _oof_ sound, and opened his eyes.

"Emily's coming," I explained needlessly, since Jacob undoubtably heard every word of the conversation.

He nodded, then rolled his head in my direction, grinning.

"Is there still time for me to have my medicine?" He asked, still smiling, but his tone was more than enough to make me want to give in. I slapped his chest instead though.

"Jacob!" I scolded, only half-playing. "Emily will be here soon, you heard her."

"Not for half an hour," he argued, the hand of the arm I was laying on beginning to rub tantalizing circles along my lower back. "Do you think there's time?"

I tried to think over my hormones as Jacob kept up his sweet, dangerous, dangerous touches. Was there enough time?

Turns out, there was.

Barely though, because my heart had hardly finished slowing back to its normal rate as I laid against Jacob's chest when his hands running along my back stilled.

"Honey, as much as I really don't want you to move right now, Emily is going to be here in five minutes."

My entire body stiffened before I hopped up. There were a lot of things I did not need and Emily coming while Jake and I were still . . . like this was pretty high up on the list.

Jacob laughed as he watched me pull on my panties that had been easily discarded the night before and rush to _our_ dresser for a bra. I grabbed my Wal-mart pajama pants and pulled them on, hopping back over to my discarded t-shirt to pull it on too.

Jacob just laid in bed, laughing. He had pushed himself up into a sitting position, I realized, after my face broke free of the neck of my shirt.

"What?" I asked, feeling more secure once I was clothed. "You think Emily walking in on us like this is funny?"

"You act like she's going to come wandering straight back to the bedroom!" Jacob laughed, gesturing towards the bedroom door. "She's going to knock first, honey, and we're going to have to go let her in. Don't worry so much."

"I know," I admitted, but I wouldn't allow myself to feel completely silly for not wanting Emily to come upon us at such a private moment. "But I just feel like . . . if it was so soon after, she'd . . . _know_."

"Sweet Nessie," Jacob said, still chuckling a little bit, and held his arm out for me. I went to him and leaned down so he could kiss me like he wanted. "Now am I going to get some clothes or am I supposed to receive Emily like this?"

I let my eyes slide down Jacob's naked body, a little embarrassed about having forgotten. I took a parting look before he had to be covered for the next while.

And he _did_ have to be covered. I wasn't sharing my Jacob with anyone.

I went and fetched Jacob's clothes from the dresser, another pair of gym shorts and a t-shirt. He had to slide the t-shirt on first, which was slightly awkward, but just a part of how things were for now. He slid onto the edge of the bed then so I could help him into his shorts, pulling them up as high as they could go with him sitting. When he stood, I pulled them up the rest of the way and then ducked under his arm.

"You want to wait for Emily in the living room, right?" I asked, and Jacob nodded.

"Actually, that's her now," Jacob informed me, nodding his head in the vague direction of the front of the house. I let my hearing zone out, and sure enough, I could hear the sound of an engine approaching.

It might have been me, but Jacob walked a lot more smoothly this morning. Leaned on me less. The vulgarity of his cursing when he sat decreased. All signs he was feeling better.

We made it just in time. Jacob had barely gotten seated on the couch when there was a knock at the door.

I raked my fingers through what was undoubtedly my crazy hair as I walked to get the door. I opened it to reveal Emily, with two green baby carriers at her feet. She held her arms out and I hugged her tightly before leaning down to pick up the carrier containing who appeared to be a quietly sleeping Dylan.

I tried to carry it as smoothly as I could into the living room, setting him lightly onto the floor. Emily followed, setting Katie's carrier down next to Dylan's and moving immediately to Jake.

She crouched down beside the couch, never minding that it made Jacob taller than her even when sitting, and rested her hand on his shoulder.

"How are you, Jacob?" She asked, concern and care evident in her eyes. Jacob insisted that he was fine, and then Emily stood up and wrapped Jacob - very gently, I noticed - into her arms. "Thank you so much. Thank you so much for letting me keep Sam with me, Jacob. I know that you didn't have to."

"He has kids, Em," Jacob said, and I tried to control the twinge of irrational jealousy as I watched him fold Emily in his strong arms. "I had to."

The hug carried on for a few more seconds before Emily straightened back up, wiping her eyes and clearing her throat.

"Do you, um - do you actually mind if I use your bathroom?" She asked, looking at me, which took me by surprise. But this was my house now after all.

"Of course not," I said, gesturing in the general direction of hall. "You know where it is, you don't have to ask."

Emily smiled and headed off to the bathroom. As soon as the door shut, Jacob held his arms out for me. I went, kneeling down so I could allow him to fold me up into them. I sighed as Jacob's lips brushed across my ear.

"You don't like it when I hug Emily?" He murmured, his voice low.

I immediately felt the worst combination there was of silly and horrible.

"No, Jacob, I know she's . . . like your sister, I know - "

"I know you know, Nessie," he interrupted, his voice rough and still . . . soft at the same time. "But you don't like it."

"N-no," I admitted, hoping Jacob didn't think I was completely and horrible jealous. I would never had said anything if he hadn't brought it up, because I knew it was silly. "But that's just because . . . "

"I'm yours," Jacob finished for me, taking the words straight out of my mouth. "I know. You remember . . . the day I left? When that Egyptian vamp hugged you?"

I remembered every single detail about that day, now, even though in the few days proceeding it I had struggled to conjure exact moments and details.

"Mmhm," I answered, in the affirmative, into Jacob's neck.

"I didn't like that either," Jacob reminded me, needlessly. I remembered his fierce growl. "Because you're mine."

Jacob's. Mmm.

I could have laid there, forever, in Jacob's hot arms - or at least until Emily got back - but a startled cry from one of the babies broke us apart. I pulled away to inspect which baby the cry was coming from, finding that it was Katie.

I rushed to unbuckle her from her seat, and carefully lifted her up into my arms. I tried holding her against my shoulder, supporting her head, but that only made her cry louder so that obviously wasn't a position she was interested in.

I stood and moved her so she was cradled in my arms, and she quieted an octave or two, but not by much. I resorted to rocking her, swaying back and forth, shushing quietly. It was only a few seconds before her cries quieted down into a soft gurgle.

I wanted to cry out in triumph, but decided that probably wasn't best.

I looked up for the first time in a few seconds to Jacob to find him watching me, intently. His eyes went from me, to Katie, then back to me, not losing their intensity for one second and I was confused.

"Do you - do you want to hold her?" I asked unsurely.

Jacob's eyes widened, a little surprised, like he had got shaken out of a thought. But then he nodded, twice.

"Yeah . . . bring her here."

I knelt beside Jacob on the couch, watching the perfect way he cradled his arms to receive the baby. It surprised me, because I couldn't remember seeing Jacob hold a baby once in my life. I couldn't really remember seeing a baby once in my life before Katie and Dylan either though, not personally like this.

I leaned in and settled Katie gently into his waiting arms. She didn't cry or whine once as the transition took place, and she didn't seem bothered by Jacob's slightly hotter skin. It probably reminded her of her own father.

I took a second to watch how Jacob cradled her, so effortlessly, like he had done it a thousand times before.

"Have you . . . held a baby before?" I asked curiously. He just seemed . . . so at home with one in his arms, I had to wonder.

But Jacob just smiled, his eyes dancing, and pressed his lips together. He watched me for a long second.

"You," he said finally, letting a small smile slip. "I used to hold you."

My heart immediately flooded with warmth.

Of course. Of course, Jacob had held me when I was a baby. Just like he was holding Katie now. It was so hard to imagine though. How different, how worlds and worlds different our relationship was now.

Now, in a matter of months, Jacob could be cradling our own baby in those arms.

And now, in rapture, with this thought, all I could do was watch.

Jacob knew exactly what he was doing. He had brute strength, but now he was so tender. I watched him trace the tip of his middle finger across the tiny heel of Katie's foot, making her kick in response.

And he smiled . . . this smile I had never seen before. Or maybe I had seen it, but I was too young to remember. A smile reserved especially for a child, a baby.

Was that how Jacob would look at _our _baby?

Oh, I could only imagine, but now it was too easy. Too easy to imagine us here, in our home, with our child in Jacob's arms. A little boy or a girl? Would it matter? Would the way he acted change, more tender for a girl, a little less so with a boy?

I didn't think it would matter when they were still so small.

If - if my body allowed me to produce milk like a normal human's would, would Jacob watch me feed him? Or her? Or would he be shy, uncomfortable?

No, that wasn't Jacob. He wouldn't be shy.

I could sit here, on this couch, how I had seen Emily so often during our time together locked in the big house. My blouse pulled aside, my breast exposed for my baby to suckle. Before, when I would hold Katie and Dylan and they would grow hungry, they would turn their mouths towards my breast in search of the sustenance they always found their with their mother.

I'd always rush to return them to Emily, and then watch her feed them from the corner of my eye, the smallest bit jealous.

I watched Katie reach up, aimlessly, and press her tiny hand to Jacob's chin. He dipped his head a little so her palm was against his lips, making a series of loud, playful kisses.

My heart melted, and my body literally ached for the moment when I would finally be able to watch Jacob hold our child like this. So, so beautiful.

A few seconds later, Jacob's eyes found mine, turning his head a little to face me so Katie's hand slid to the side of his mouth. She curled her fingers, grasping his skin just barely before the strength required was too much and her arm fell back to her side.

"You're . . . good at that," was all I could think of to say.

What else was there? Jacob was . . . made to be a father.

"You're good . . . at this too," he returned quietly, his eyes serious. "It was nice to see you . . . with a baby."

My heart immediately lodged itself into my throat. I knew where this conversation was leading, where it would inevitably lead, and I could not have it now. I would have to lie and I couldn't lie, and I didn't want to have to make Jacob drag the truth out of me because that was as good as lying.

And I wouldn't lie to my husband. I wouldn't.

But I _couldn't_ tell him now.

"Oh!" Emily's voice made us both jump a little, and Jacob shut his mouth that he had opened to say something else. I was relieved. "Was she giving you trouble? I didn't hear her crying."

"No, no trouble at all, Em," Jacob said, his eyes flicking to her and then back down to Katie. "Just a little fussy at being stuck in the car seat. It's never fun to be strapped in, is it?"

This last sentence was directed at Katie, and Jacob crinkled his nose and smiled a gentle smile down at her as he said it. My heart contracted and ached.

I wanted to tell him so badly, but I knew it would only make him panic and sink deeper into self-pity. I would wait until Jacob could truly rejoice in the news with me. Then I would tell him.

"Well, I just realized I forgot your gift in the car," Emily said, walking into the living room and leaning down to assure that Dylan was still sleeping soundly in his seat. "Do you think you'll be all right here on your own with these two monkeys while Nessie comes out with me to get it?"

Jacob looked up at me and smile, still a soft smile, but different from the smile he'd smiled at Katie. Our married person smile.

"I'll be all right," he finally said quietly, shifting in his seat. He reached his leg out and stuck his toes under a ledge in the bottom of the carrier, using it to smoothly pull it closer to the sofa. "Won't give them beer or throw them down on the ground or anything."

"Okay, Jacob," Emily said, laughing. She looked at Katie in Jacob's arms and then at me, and I knew what she was thinking. "We won't leave you alone for too long."

"Go be girly, I'll be fine," Jacob said, leaning back against the couch, looking perfectly beautiful and adorable with the tiny baby in his huge arms. "I'll holler if someone starts to stink."

Emily rolled her eyes and took my arm gently, and I walked with her back out the door and to her car. She had parked a ways off from the house, which made me think that leaving the gift in the car hadn't been an accident.

"How are you?" She asked me as she clicked the car open, and leaned inside. I leaned against the the passenger door while she dug around the back, and my hand found its way to my stomach of its own volition. "Are you feeling okay?"

"I'm fine," I assured her, keeping my voice low even though I wasn't saying anything - I hated to think the word incriminating, but that's what it was. I hoped when I finally told Jacob, he would understand why I kept it from him for so long. "Blood still makes me sick."

"And you haven't . . . " Emily straightened up to look at me, something in her hands that I didn't pay attention to. "You still haven't said anything?"

"He's getting better, Emily," I explained, beseeching. I needed the one person who knew my secret to understand, to not think I was horrible for keeping it from my husband. "Much better now that we're . . . home. I don't think it will be long."

"I understand, Nessie," she said, stepping aside so she could shut the car door. "I know it sounds like I don't, but I do. You just need to see a doctor soon, and if you want Jacob to be the next to know . . . "

"I know," I cut her off. I didn't want to hear that I was being irresponsible. "I know, but you said normal women, sometimes they don't find out for a few _months_. And I know my mom grew really fast when . . . with me . . . but I'm obviously not. At least not like that."

"You are right," Emily admitted, sighing and then smiling brightly. Then she lifted up the thing in her hands, a large basket. "Believe it or not, I didn't drag you out here to be nosy. I just thought you'd be more comfortable receiving this alone."

"What is it?" I asked, suddenly wary. She said it was a wedding-slash-homewarming gift - it wouldn't be full of baby stuff, would it? How would I hide that from Jacob?

"It's nothing, don't look so scared," Emily said brightly, laughing a little. She turned the basket, which was wrapped artfully in a transparent red fabric. "I'm sorry I couldn't do more, but you'd be surprised how busy two babies can keep you."

"No, no, Emily, it's more than you had to do at all," I said, taking it from her and taken aback at the weight. "It's lovely."

"You don't even know what's in it," Emily laughed, taking it back out of my hand and setting it on the hood of the car. "It's kind of like a - a date in a basket."

"A - a date?" I asked, knowing I sounded silly. "In a basket?"

"Yep," she said, smiling. "It's nothing much - you'll see once you open it. Nothing dirty, I promise."

I felt my face flush - I hadn't even though of that, but I was glad now to know there wasn't. I didn't think Emily was anything like Aunt Alice, but I didn't think I could bear to put on a slinky nightgown for Jake and then have to explain to him it came from Emily, the woman whose baby he'd been kissing all over earlier.

"O-okay."

Emily handed the basket back to me and I took it, trying not to look down and see what was inside. Obviously at least. I was stopped by Emily's hand on my elbow.

"Call me if you need anything, Nessie, all right?"

I smiled and nodded - I didn't need anything but for Jacob to get better. And maybe decide that he didn't like meat anymore, at least for the next little bit.

We went inside to find Jacob cradling _both_ babies in his arms. Emily and I rushed to him as one.

"Jacob," I said in surprise, settling the basket unceremoniously on the coffee table and sinking on the couch beside him. I lifted Dylan from his arms at the same time Emily took Katie. "What happened?"

"Nothing," Jacob said, looking a little startled at our abrupt reaction. I felt a little silly now, but the carrier had been on the floor, and Jacob's back . . . "He just started crying is all - I didn't do anything to him."

"No, Jacob, not him," I assured him, running his arm and ignoring the strange . . . maternal feeling welling up in me as I felt Dylan begin to root. It was about time to give him back to his mother. "You . . . your back . . . are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Jacob said, rolling his eyes. Emily had already strapped Katie in her seat, so I handed little Dylan to her when she reached for him so she could put him back in his too. Jacob had somehow lifted it up onto the couch with him. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm okay, Ness," Jacob assured me, taking my hand into his lap and squeezing it. "Don't fuss."

He had been comforting me, not scolding, but at his words I immediately felt bad. I wanted to apologize, but that would probably only hurt his pride worse, so I decided the best thing to do would be ignore it. At least until Emily was gone.

"I'm so sorry they were fussy for you, Jacob," Emily said, straightening up. She reached out and touched Jacob's shoulder and he covered her hand with his. "I think Dylan was just jealous that Katie got to cuddle with you and he didn't."

Jacob tried not to show that the babies liking him made him happy, but a little of his smirk got out.

"Maybe that was it," he said modestly.

"Well, I'm going to take off - like I said, Nessie, call me." I stood up with her again, taking Katie's carrier. "And Jacob, you know we're just a call away if you need anything."

"Gotcha. Tell Sam I said thanks."

"Hey! Sam wasn't the one you gave you a present, remember that," Emily teased, pretending to be stern. Jacob sat up a little taller in his seat, trying to see the basket that had just been brought to his attention.

"Thanks, Em."

I walked with her back to the car and helped her get the babies settled, then hugged her and stood in the yard as she drove away. Then I rushed back in to Jacob. He was sitting right where I left him, his eyes on the basket on the table, looking like he was debating whether or not it was worth getting up to get it.

I hopped up to the table and snatched it up, carrying it back to the kitchen. Emily said it was a date in a basket, and that gave me an idea.

"Hey!" Jacob called behind me. "What gives?"

"It's a surprise, Jacob," I told him, making sure the basket was tucked out of his sight before I popped back up over the counter to look at him. "We're having a date tonight."

"A date?" Jacob said, looking confused as I walked back to him. He accepted me easily enough though when I made to straddle him on the couch, wrapping an arm around my hips and pulling me even closer. "Nessie . . . I still can't drive . . . "

"I know that, silly," I told him, leaning in and pressing my lips softly to his. I reached up and touched his cheek. "We're having our date here . . ."

"Hm," Jacob said, pretending to think while he kissed me again. "I don't have to wear a tie, do I?"

"No, you can wear what you've got on now," I assured him, sliding my free hand up his side. "Or less than what you've got on now . . . I won't mind."

"I've turned you dirty, haven't I?" Jacob asked, and his hand started that inevitable trip up the back of my thigh. "Now you're always trying to get me naked."

"I'm not the one who nearly has a heart attack every time you try to put some clothes on," I argued back. Jacob gave my backside a firm squeeze, smiling at the instinctive parting of my lips.

"If you were a man . . . " Jacob said, leaning in and pressing a soft, knee-weakening kiss to my neck. "And your wife . . . looked like mine does . . . you wouldn't let her wear clothes at home either."

Just when I was about to respond, Jacob's stomach rumbled loudly. He left my neck to collapse back against the couch, frustrated at his stomach getting in the way of his hormones. Poor baby. He hadn't eaten this morning and he'd already had a workout.

"How about some breakfast?" I asked, leaning in to kiss the exposed line of his throat. "And I'll lose the bra if it's that important to you, but I'd like to keep my shorts while I cooked if that's all right."

"I guess so," Jacob sighed, letting me know it was a great sacrifice. He gave my behind a light smack. "But hey . . . Rachel said she bought beef sausage. Can you make some of that?"

So much for the vegetarian thing.

* * *

**Coming up:**

I jumped at another smack to my behind. Lighthearted it was then. Jacob's hand stayed where it was, cupping my backside.

"You don't think I'm a little too big to be your baby?" He asked, using his hands to pull me closer.

"Do you not . . . like it?" I always thought he had, but . . .

"No, I like it," Jacob assured me, in a very . . . suggestive way. The rubbing across my backside wasn't lost on me either. Definitely not. "It's just a little funny . . . the biggest guy in all of Forks and La Push and my little five-foot-two wife calls me baby."

"What else should I call you then?" I said, leaning into his chest a little and trying to think of something funny and . . . suitably Jacob. "Big man? The Terminator?"

"Baby," Jacob said, half-barking the word. He leaned in an kissed the side of my neck. After that, he switched sides with each few words. "You . . . can call me . . . anything . . . you want."


	77. In Which There is Talk of Dresses

**_A/N: _**So here's your new chapter - it's pretty self-explanatory. There are a lot of things I like here, but honestly, I'm too tired to go into them in detail. So you do it for me! I'm going to post, and then sleep. Give me something to wake up to, lovelies.

**_Disclaimer:_** I own nothing, and those who don't review are just jealous they don't have a Jake to call them mama. ;)

* * *

In Which There is Talk of Dresses, Dates, and Names

* * *

_sometimes it's hard to breathe  
just knowing you found me_

_- jessica simpson, with you_

-

Surprisingly, I managed to cook the sausage. Jacob didn't know about my blood aversion - he would have wholeheartedly understood if he did. And really, he would have understood if I just told him I didn't want to, but that was mean of me. I couldn't tell Jacob the real reason I couldn't make it, and I couldn't bear to be so mean to him.

Anyway, I found a system. A perk of being half-human, I could hold my breath for a little longer that most humans could. Not as long as I used to be able to, I quickly realized, when I had to skip back across the kitchen and stick my face down the front of my shirt less than a minute later.

But on my second circuit, I was able to tear open the package and run the sausage under the faucet. Something I didn't normally do, but if Jacob wanted his sausage vomit-free this morning, it would just be something he'd have to deal with.

The sausage didn't have that much blood to begin with, but after it had been rinsed off and the package stuffed down into the very bottom of the garbage can, I could breathe without fear of regurgitation.

It still smelled decidedly gross and slightly nauseating until all the blood was cooked out and evaporated, but after that the meat smelled pretty appetizing. I was afraid my memory would get in the way of me enjoying the end result, but it didn't.

I scrambled a near dozen eggs (Rachel bought four), and a half a bag of toast which actually took the longest. I don't know how Billy and Jacob survived for however many years with a werewolf in the house and a toaster that only held two slices of bread.

Either way, I survived breakfast, and Jacob and I ate together. While Jacob, strangely enough, watched the news.

"I feel like we've been cut off from the world for so long," he'd said, shrugging, when I'd looked at him weird when I saw what he had changed it to. "Not that I mind - I love being cut off from everything with you - but I just want to see what's been going on."

So we watched for about half an hour, before the same things started repeating again. I don't know why they were being repeated - horrible things. Killings and bombings and wars and debates over pointless things. How people could stand to watch this, I didn't know.

Finally, Jacob turned it off, and looked down at me. I had been snuggled under his arm, trying to focus on his smell and planning our "date" tonight instead of the television.

Jacob pressed his hot lips to my forehead. It was nice.

"Baby . . . " Jacob's head dipped down and he nuzzled my nose with his. I loved when he did that. "You want to do some more settling in today?"

"Why not?" We didn't have anything else to do besides . . . well. And I'd been playing with the idea of seeing if we could hold out until . . . after our date tonight. Isn't that what normal people did? Like I would know. "What were you thinking?"

Besides, it would be a lie if I said I wasn't looking forward to more settling in.

"I was thinking the closet, actually," Jacob said, his thumb tracing warm circles on my arm. "It's a lot bigger than the one in my room, so you'll probably be able to fit the rest of your stuff in there. And there's not much in it, so it should be easy."

We spent the rest of the morning and part of the afternoon cleaning out the closet. It was mostly boxed up things that Billy kept there for easy access. Now, Jacob said, they could be put in the crawl space. Apparently, this house had a small one. It would just have to wait until Jacob was better for that to happen, because from the look his face when I mentioned me trying to do it, I knew that wouldn't go down very well.

We settled for stacking them up neatly in the very back of the closet, higher than they had been before, since Billy couldn't reach. There were hardly any clothes here - there was a dress in the back that took me by surprise. Jacob looked at it for a long time before he asked me to put it back.

"It was my mom's," he finally admitted, and a piece clicked into place. "That was the only thing . . . of her clothes that Billy really kept. She wore it when they got married."

It certainly wasn't a wedding dress, not in the traditional sense, but it was nice. Just a normal green dress - the style and cut didn't really hint at it being so old unless you looked closely. It wasn't very worn. It was pretty.

"How sweet," I said, since I was unsure what to say. I had an idea, but I wasn't sure if Jacob would consider is sweet or offensive. "Maybe . . . maybe I should get my wedding dress . . . and hang it in the closet beside hers?"

Jacob just reached out a hand for me. I took it and went, moving to stand between his knees, and he took my face in his hands and tenderly kissed me. He pulled back like he wanted to say something, but I wanted more, so I leaned back in and took his lips. Jacob let me kiss him for a few soft, very nice seconds, before I knew I had to let Jacob say what he needed to. I licked his bottom lip softly in parting, a last taste.

"You can if you want," he said, his eyes very . . . deep. "That would be really nice. God, Ness. I love you so much, honey."

"I love you so much too . . . baby," I added, with only the slightest bit of teasing so Jacob could take it either way. If he wanted a lighthearted way out, I would give it to him - but if he wanted to stay serious, he could ignore it.

I jumped at another smack to my behind. Lighthearted it was then. Jacob's hand stayed where it was, cupping my backside.

"You don't think I'm a little too big to be your baby?" He asked, using his hands to pull me closer.

"Do you not . . . like it?" I always thought he had, but . . .

"No, I like it," Jacob assured me, in a very . . . suggestive way. The rubbing across my backside wasn't lost on me either. Definitely not. "It's just a little funny . . . the biggest guy in all of Forks and La Push and my little five-foot-two wife calls me baby."

"What else should I call you then?" I said, leaning into his chest a little and trying to think of something funny and . . . suitably Jacob. "Big man? The Terminator?"

"Baby," Jacob said, half-barking the word. He leaned in an kissed the side of my neck. After that, he switched sides with each few words. "You . . . can call me . . . anything . . . you want."

"All right," I said, as Jacob laid another . . . beautiful kiss. "Baby . . . honey . . . sweetheart . . . darling . . . " I was running out of steam, but I didn't want to stop. I didn't want the kisses to stop. "My love . . . my Jacob."

"Mmm." I loved that sound, like he was having the best desert in the world and not kissing my neck. His lips parted, and I felt the heat of his breath, followed by the more intense heat of his tongue. "That last one's my favorite."

I knew he liked it when I called him that, but I didn't know it was his _favorite_.

"You like it when I call you my Jacob . . . my Jacob?"

"I _love_ being your Jacob," he muttered lowly, and I tilted my head back so his hot lips could reach the front of my throat. "I'll be your honey and your baby and your love and everything else, but being your Jacob beats all of them."

He was my Jacob, and unless he let me go very soon, I wasn't sure I would be able to wait until after our date.

Jacob did stop soon, with one last taste of my neck and a pat to my backside. He read my thoughts almost exactly, saying if he didn't stop now, he wouldn't be able to. We finished hanging everything up, the very last thing my white dress I had worn on our wedding day, which I hung on the back of the left side, beside his mother's.

When I stepped back out of the closet, Jacob smiled and reached for my hand. He kissed me, and then told me he was hungry. We - and I use this term loosely - ate another plate full of sandwiches for lunch.

By then, Jacob was very tired. He tried not to show it, but I could tell. He agreed to a nap if I laid down with him. I wasn't necessarily sleepy, and was kind of looking forward to maybe cleaning a little, but I could never say no to laying down with Jacob. So I crawled up beside him and snuggled under his arm - Jacob was asleep three minutes later.

My poor baby.

Still on mini-high from thinking about mine and Jacob's makeshift date tonight, I couldn't bring myself to drift off. I let myself just be comforted by the warm thrum of Jacob's heart for awhile, but when he started to snore, I knew he was deeply enough asleep that my getting up wouldn't affect him.

I rolled over gently to what would be "my side" of the bed if I didn't sleep wrapped around my husband most of the time, and off. I spent a little time getting reacquainted with Jacob's house on a more . . . intimate level.

I'd been in here thousands of times, and I'd always been welcome to anything, but I never really plundered. Now I looked through drawers, and wondered about where things went. I cleaned up our dishes from lunch and then sat down and called the big house.

Grandma Esme answered, and I talked to her for a few minutes before she passed the phone along to Grandpa Carlisle. He asked how we both were and asked a few things about Jacob's health. I told him Jacob was doing _much_ better, with a special emphasis, hoping he'd get the hint without having to get any closer to the subject. Even if he only discussed it with Jacob, it seemed like it would be horribly embarrassing.

Yes, Grandpa, I just gave Jacob his "special" medicine. He's in there sleeping it off now.

I - I mean, we hadn't . . . but the sentiment's the same.

Grandpa reminded me to make sure Jacob did his stretches. He said by this point, he should be mostly healed, but everything was so tight and unused to movement, which might be a cause of most of the pain.

The phone got passed to Aunt Rose and then Uncle Emmett, who cracked a joke about being able to hear Jacob's snoring from there and asking how I tolerated it. I would have thought he was telling the truth, vampire hearing and all, if I didn't know the phone wasn't strong enough to pick up Jacob's snores from the other room.

Aunt Rose said Alice and Uncle Jazz had called in earlier that morning and said everything was going good on their end. Leah was doing fine too. A lot of vampires had been showing up in Volterra, searching for answers to the rumors they'd been hearing about the Volturi's defeat.

Reactions were mixed, but not by a wide margin. There were those that were happy and agreed that the Volturi were tyrannic, and then there were those supporters who were angry. Nothing strong enough to warrant trouble, since vampires weren't really known for their strong bonds to one another.

The biggest issue now would be usurpation. Among the vampires, there would be some who saw this as their shot.

These were the ones who were happy for an entirely different reason.

Most were indifferent though - as for now, Aunt Rose said, they were being told that the same major rules stood. Secrecy. I wasn't sure how I felt about my family continuing to allow the hunting of humans - but then again, how would they honestly stop it? And to make laws now that no one would follow would only make them lose respect.

I didn't like thinking about these things - it was like watching the news again, but worse and closer to home.

Lastly, the phone returned to Grandpa Carlisle, who reminded me that it would be very helpful if Jacob got a lot of protein to help his body build strength again.

I kind of wished I had been too stupid to know that most protein came from meat. Ah, well.

Momma and Daddy were still at the cottage, and I didn't really want to call there - if they were at the cottage and I wasn't, especially in the day, nobody really wanted to be around them. Who knew what they were up to? So I just left a message with Grandpa to have them call me when they showed up.

Refreshed by hearing my family's voices and energized by the prospect of tonight, I started to clean. It wouldn't be much, of course, basically just dinner like usual, but maybe a little more . . . romantic.

Then again, I wasn't exactly sure what was considered romantic. I thought Jacob, in and of himself was. But I know most people thought there was a little more to it than that. Either way, this would be fun.

I cleaned the living room and the kitchen. It was already tidy, but I wiped down the wood surfaces with shiner and sprayed the couch with fabric freshener. I opened the shades to get some light in and then looked through the CDs sitting on the DVD player for something that my eye. I found one that looked tolerable, so I played it on low so I had something other than silence to listen to while I cleaned.

When I was polishing the kitchen table lemony fresh, Emily's basket, which I had tucked under the counter caught my eye. I'd almost forgotten about it, and it was the inspiration for this whole evening! I got it and set it on the table, trying to gather a little information about what was inside.

I got some, but I decided to wait for Jacob to open it. I was already playing out how I imagined things would go in my head - I'm sure it would be much more awkward in real life, but Jacob wouldn't mind.

I left the vacuuming for last - I debated whether or not it would wake Jacob up, and I decided not. I could hear his snoring from here, so he was sleeping good. And I would love to be able to have Jacob come back in to a freshly cleaned and sweet-smelling living room.

I plugged in and turned on Jacob's vacuum cleaner very slowly, like that would make it any less loud. It of course didn't, and I flinched against the noise, but when I listened closely, Jacob's snoring continued on so I did too.

I was almost done - I'd circuited the entire living room and entryway and was working my way back towards Jacob's room. The cord wouldn't reach - I'd have to change to another outlet to do Jacob's room - so I was working my way towards the hall when I saw a pair of large russet feet.

Jacob was standing at the end of the hall, leaning against the frame. Just like the first time he stood after waking up, when I looked up and saw him leaning against the door in the bathroom.

I let my eyes follow up his legs, his strong legs, to his broad, bare chest. His shirt had been ditched before we laid down to sleep, so practically all I saw was beautiful copper skin.

His hair was down, hanging over the side of his face. It hadn't been cut in awhile - the ends of of his hair, where they curled, just brushed the side of his lips.

I shut the vacuum cleaner off and barely avoided dropping it.

"Jacob!" I did a little hop around the vacuum and rushed the five feet between us to him. My hands immediately moved to rest on either of his sides as my face tilted back to look at him. "What - h-how - ?"

"I can get up and down on my own, Ness," Jacob said quietly, a smirk playing along the edge of his full lips. "It's just balance that's the problem - and I just followed along the wall."

"I wish you would've called me," was all I could think of to say. My worry was warring with my complete and utter joy to see him standing tall and strong before me. "I don't mind helping you . . . my Jacob."

"I know you don't, but a mama's gotta let her baby grow up one day," Jacob cracked, and I locked my knees to keep them from buckling.

"You may be my baby," I said, thinking about the two very different meanings of that word. "But I'm definitely not your momma."

Jacob looked down at me and his free arm, the one not leaning against the frame, and tucked back a curl. He bit his lip a little.

"You wouldn't let me call you mama?"

For some reason, all my concepts of that word changed when Jake said it . . . like that. It didn't sound like the word I used to call my mother. It was very, _very_ different.

I leaned forward, careful not to put any of my weight on him, and pressed my forehead to his chest. I tilted my head up a little so my lips brushed his skin. I felt the muscle contract.

"You can call me whatever you want," I realized, tilting my head back more so I could smile up at him. He was just looking down at me, beautiful as ever.

It was unfair how badly he made me want him.

"So . . . " Jacob's free hand closed around my waist. "When's our date?"

* * *

**Coming up:**

"That . . . " I paused as I thought of what to say. "She's naked."

Something that looked suspiciously like a smile tugged along the edges of Jacob's lips, and his eyes flitted down to mine.

"I know," he finally said, reaching up and brushing his fingers through my hair. "Tell me when she's not anymore."

I felt my brow furrow. "Why?"

Jacob's head dipped down a little lower, nuzzling his nose against mine.

"I just . . . " Jacob paused and it might have been me, but it felt like his cheeks got the smallest bit hotter. "You're the only woman I ever want to see naked, Nessie . . . I don't feel right looking at anyone else."

"Oh." I was so touched that I really couldn't think of what to say. "_Jacob_."


	78. In Which There is a Lament For a Shirt

**_A/N:_** Here's the date! I really hope you like it - and you finally get to see the contents of Emily's little gift basket - they're really super easy and cheap if you do them right. My mom makes them all the time. Anyway, I hope you like this chapter - it's got some lightheartedness along with some seriousness. I love the ending.

Apparently my A/Ns must be super long or pitifully short - and tonight it's the latter. I've been horribly sick all day, so this will probably go out late even though I'm typing it at ten. Still reviews to reply! Sorry in advance. I love you all. :)

**_Disclaimer: _**I actually own - not the lyrics - but the picking out of them, but Katie's to thank for the title again. Which rocks. Gotta love her.

* * *

In Which There is a Lament For the Wolf Shirt

* * *

_this is when the ink starts flowing  
this is where my heart is going  
this is when my hands belong to you_

_- saving jane, don't stop_

-

"Why do I have to leave?" Jacob asked, for about the fifth time since I told him he'd have to wait in his old bedroom while I got everything ready.

"Because I've got to get ready," I replied, for about the fifth time. "It's a date, Jacob, and I'm not very experienced, but I think that's how it works."

"But we're married," he exclaimed, giving me puppy dog eyes that were _very_ hard to say no to. "I'm not a boyfriend anymore! I'm a husband - that means I get the backstage pass. I get to see all the behind-the-scenes stuff."

I couldn't help but laugh at his sweetness.

"Come on, Jake, I won't take long," I persuaded, even though I didn't have to. I know Jacob would always do what I wanted. "I just have to get pretty for you - according to television, that's how dates work."

"Well . . ." Jacob closed his eyes as he evenly heaved himself to his feet. "I'll be waiting to pick you up . . . in my bedroom, I guess."

"You better be on time," I warned him, mock sternly, walking behind him with my hands lightly on either of his sides. I felt his scar, a little more rough and raised off the rest of his skin.

"Don't worry, I'm pretty low maintenance, so I don't have to paint my nails or anything, but I'd really love it if you could get me a shirt."

I stood at the door to Jacob's bedroom and watched carefully until Jacob was safely settled on the bed. He flinched again, but didn't curse. I couldn't help but smile.

"I really like you better without one," I persuaded. It wasn't like I would be wearing much anyway - if I was brave enough.

"Yeah, I like you better without one too, but I feel like I need to put in at least a little effort," Jacob said, leaning back on his hands and giving my body a once over. "So can you just please bring me your favorite one?"

"My favorite one?" I asked, feeling one of my eyebrows arch.

"Well, I want to look good for you," he pointed out. "So pick me what you like."

"Okay, Jacob," I said, already thinking of possibilities. "I'll be right back with your shirt."

I dashed to the bedroom and started rifling through the drawers, probably messing up all the clothes I'd just neatly folded, in search of the shirt that caught my eye. It was forest green with the trim around the end of the sleeves in the collar a lighter green. It would make his skin look beautiful and his arms look _great._

His wolf shirt would have been perfect, but while I'd never asked, it went without saying that it was gone. Jacob had been wearing it the day he left, after all. I found it and bounded back down the hall to Jacob's old room, popping the door open just enough to stick my head inside and toss him the shirt.

"Love you, babe," he said as he caught it.

I wasn't sure what it was about today and all the new pet names, but I was pretty sure I'd like whatever Jake called me.

"Love you too, Jake." I blew him a kiss before I shut the door on him. "I won't be long."

My heart was pounding from the second I shut the door. It was silly, but I was excited. I decided to set up the living room first.

Since everything was already so nice and clean, I just had to lay down the red tablecloth I found in one of the kitchen drawers and set the basket on top. I fixed our plates: pasta - with chicken, because it had the least blood - and garlic bread.

I filled our largest plate full and set it on the table in front of the basket. Then I practically ran back to mine and Jacob's room to get ready - from his old bedroom, I could hear him laughing.

Fine, let him laugh. He wouldn't be laughing at me in a minute.

I hoped.

My heart still pounding, I gathered the courage to open my top drawer. I'd opened it before of course, since all my panties and bras were in there, but never with this intention.

I wanted to wear one of Aunt Alice's scary little things.

Not the scary-scary things, with snaps and laces and straps, but one of the just kind of scary things. I'd gotten a chance to see everything while I was putting it away, and there had been a few things that didn't absolutely terrify me. Especially now that Jacob and I were more . . . comfortable with each other.

I sifted through until I found a green nightgown - actually very similar to the color of the shirt I'd just given Jacob. I held it up to myself and tried to imagine wearing it in front of Jacob. It wasn't very showy or anything, but it was obviously . . . sexy.

I never _tried_ to be sexy in front of Jacob, not obviously, afraid that I'd embarrass myself. But tonight, I wanted to try.

So I stripped off and slid the silky nightgown over my skin. It came several inches above my knees and had hardly any straps to speak of, not to mention dipping low on my chest. But it was the tamest thing in the drawer, and it was just Jacob. He'd seen me naked! This morning, in fact.

I didn't bother with a bra, since it would have shown from underneath and that didn't look nice - and Jacob wouldn't mind. I did search through my drawer for a nice pair of panties though - something that wasn't cotton but didn't look like it was made of floss. I settled on - well, the panties from my wedding night actually, since they matched. Come to think of it, they might have been intended to go with this dress.

So I slid them on and then looked over myself in the mirror. The nightgown was fitted but not tight, and it swayed over my skin when I moved. I actually thought it was pretty.

I thought about shoes - God knows Aunt Alice had sent me with an abundance of heels - but decided that would look like I was trying too hard. Jacob's mention of painting his nails had clicked something in my mind saying that would have been a nice idea, but it was too late for that now and I wasn't good at it anyway.

I didn't know much about makeup either so I just settled on the last little bit of my bubblegum lipgloss - I would have to find another one somewhere - and pinching my cheeks. I took my hair down and brushed it out, then kind of fluffed it so the curls didn't look too flat.

God, what was I doing? I was being silly.

I brought my hair around to my front - for a little more coverage, and because I knew Jacob liked it that way, and then debated on perfume. I ended up deciding against it, and then I didn't have anything else left to hold me up.

It was time to get Jacob.

I adjusted my bracelet and my wedding band, took a deep breath, and then made my way down the hall to get Jacob. I paused long enough to switch the hall light on and the one in the living room off, so it was a little darker - that was romantic, right?

Then, just as I was about to open the bedroom door, there was a knock on it.

"Um, yes?" I asked, confused.

"It's me," Jacob's deep voice said casually. "I'm here for our date."

My face immediately broke out into a grin that I couldn't control. He was so sweet it was unbelievable.

"Oh," I said, catching on. "One second."

I still couldn't pull the grin off my face as I pushed the door open. Jacob took a half-step back so the door could open, and then he stepped back to lean against the frame. That must be his signature move or something, but I wasn't complaining, because he looked _damn _good doing it.

He was wearing the shirt I gave him, and it fit really . . . _really_ good. His hair was pulled back, and . . . his eyes were on me. His tongue reached out and ran across his bottom lip.

"Hey."

"Hey," I returned, when I had regained use of my vocal cords. I reached out and took his hand, taking a step back. "Come on in."

Jacob submitted to my tugging, and I made sure to walk slowly back towards the living room. Jake followed, his eyes rolling up and down my body before moving around the room.

"It smells really good in here," he complimented, a little more politely than he usually did. More generally. "And you look . . . amazing."

"Thank you," I said, feeling my cheeks heat up a little. Jacob told me I was beautiful all the time, but it felt different like this. "You look . . . very nice too. Dinner's all ready, so you can go ahead and sit down."

I stood in front of him, trying not to hover, until he was settled on the couch. Then I turned and walked around to the other side of the coffee table, placing my hands on the basket just in front of me.

"Our present from Emily," I explained needlessly, and Jacob nodded.

I undid the tie around the top, letting the plastic fall away. Then, slowly, I began to unload what was inside.

A box of chocolates, which I set behind our plate, for desert. A DVD, the cover to which looked familiar, but I couldn't place, which I also sat on the table after making sure Jacob saw it. Then two red candles that smelled faintly of cinnamon that I set on either side of the table. Then finally, a bottle of sparkling grape juice and two wine glasses.

I had been a little alarmed when I first saw it - surely Emily, of all people, wouldn't give me alcohol? - but I could see enough through the plastic on closer inspection to see that it was only grape juice. Jacob watched attentively as I unloaded everything, but held his hand out for the bottle when I pulled it out.

I gave it to him and he looked it over - I think he was checking for the same thing I had, but for different reasons. Jacob just didn't drink - he probably wouldn't want me to either. Not that I had any interest in the foul-smelling stuff that I'd seen the effects of a few times, stumbling along the California streets, but I had a whole other set of reasons for avoiding it.

"Just juice, Jacob," I said quietly, to sooth his worries, even though he could clearly see it.

From my little inspection through the plastic earlier, I had foresaw the need of a lighter and set one of the table. I picked it up and, holding my hair back with one hand, attempted to light one of the candles with my other.

I tried about three times with no success before Jacob's hot hand closed over mine. It slid up my arm and he tugged, pulling me gently around to his side of the table and turning me so my back was facing him. Then his hand slid back down to cup over mine, and his fingers expertly flicked the lighter, the flame appearing and the candle lighting.

I reached out and grabbed the other one so he could do the same. I set it back in its place on the table and then Jacob pulled me down gently to sit beside him.

We sat differently than usual though. I usually sat under Jacob's arm, against his side, but tonight was different. Jacob was sitting half-sideways, with his back resting against the arm of the couch instead of the back. I sat the same way on the center of the couch, our knees pointing towards one another.

I watched Jacob lean forward, stretching slowly and half-flinching, to grab the bottle of sparkling juice and both of the glasses. I wanted to tell him to sit back and let me, but then I remembered what Grandpa Carlisle said. It was actually good for him, and I didn't want to hurt his pride right now.

"A drink?" He asked, gesturing one of the glasses towards me.

I nodded, and watched as he effortlessly opened the bottle and filled my glass halfway. It was strange to watch him handle the wine glass, something so thin and delicate and fragile. He could easily crush it to shards in his hands and yet it was left in flawless condition as he held it out to me.

I accepted the glass, the shape of it feeling strange in my hand, and took a small sip. The juice was sweet and a little tangy, very nice. Probably because Jacob poured it though - anything would taste sweet poured by his hand.

Jacob filled his and then set the bottle down. I watched him take . . . a sip, which was strange. Jacob didn't sip. He gulped and he inhaled and he swallowed, but he never sipped.

"Do, um . . ." Jacob said, a little awkwardly, after he set his glass back down. "Do you like Titanic?"

"Titanic?"

"Yeah," Jacob said, reaching out with his impossibly long arms and picking up the DVD off the table. He offered it to me. "Titanic - I mean, I slept through half of it, but I remember that it was a pretty girly movie."

"Oh, this movie," I said, more than asked, inspecting the man and woman on the cover, under which was the depiction of the legendary ship. "No, I've never seen it."

"You wanna go ahead and put it in?" Jacob asked, his hand coming to rest on my thigh. "It's pretty long."

And both of us didn't want the movie to be the major event of our evening.

"Sure, sure," I said, catching myself when I saw the smirk start to play along Jacob's lips. I hopped up and popped it in, hurrying back to Jacob's side.

He sat up a little more and looked like he wanted to roll his eyes when I situated a pillow between his back and the couch, but didn't say anything. I pulled the table a little closer and Jacob's hand found its way back to my thigh again as we began to eat.

Jacob groaned and complimented the food as always, his hand rubbing up a little higher. It slid easily against the silky material of my nightgown.

"Is it . . . rude date behavior to tell you again just how sexy you look right now, Nessie?" Jacob asked, completely casually, a few minutes into our meal.

I took another sip of my juice to keep myself from choking.

"N-no, that's definitely not rude," I assured him, reaching my own hand out to sit on his thigh. I could feel the heat of his skin, even through his shorts.

"Good," Jacob said decidedly, the hand on my leg leaving to reach up and tuck a curl back. Several curls went with it, leaving my neckline exposed; Jacob's eyes roved over it. "Because I don't think I could have waited to say it - you look unbelievably sexy right now."

"I'm glad you like it," I said as his hot fingers came up to trail along one of the almost nonexistent straps. "I swear, us matching wasn't intentional."

Jacob looked down and laughed. "I didn't even notice - but I guess we are."

We finished eating together, talking about little things on and off. I told him about calling the big house and talking to everyone, and how they asked after him while we watched the movie. When we had finished eating, Jacob refilled my glass and handed it to me. Then he leaned back on the couch and pulled me into his side.

We chatted through the movie like we generally did, Jacob making sarcastic comments throughout. I think he just didn't feel right watching a movie without mocking it.

It was a nice story, even nicer to watch with Jacob. There were a few funny parts, but it was mostly serious. It was kind of strange already partly knowing what was going to happen - about the ship, at least.

There was one . . . awkward part, though. When Rose took Jack back to her rooms after spending the day together, and she asks him to draw her. Wearing nothing but her necklace.

I wasn't a complete idiot - I hadn't missed the double-meaning - but I was still shocked when she stepped into the light and dropped her robe off.

I felt my face flame hot.

I'd watched a lot of movies with Jacob and some of them had . . . rather steamy scenes, but never anyone . . . naked like that. How could that woman do that? Just stand there, naked, and allow herself to be filmed?

Jacob had seen this movie before, he'd said, so he knew about this. What did he think?

I pulled my eyes up to Jacob. He was watching me.

"That . . . " I paused as I thought of what to say. "She's naked."

Something that looked suspiciously like a smile tugged along the edges of Jacob's lips, and his eyes flitted down to mine.

"I know," he finally said, reaching up and brushing his fingers through my hair. "Tell me when she's not anymore."

I felt my brow furrow. "Why?"

Jacob's head dipped down a little lower, nuzzling his nose against mine.

"I just . . . " Jacob paused and it might have been me, but it felt like his cheeks got the smallest bit hotter. "You're the only woman I ever want to see naked, Nessie . . . I don't feel right looking at anyone else."

"Oh." I was so touched that I really couldn't think of what to say. "_Jacob_."

"Your Jacob?"

"Of course," I assured whole-heartedly, reaching up and catching his cheek. It was hot and comforting and beautiful in my palm. "My Jacob - my amazing Jacob. Oh, you're so sweet, I can hardly believe it."

"Because I don't want to look at other naked women?" Jacob asked, half-joking, his voice still low. He nuzzled my nose again and his eyes got darker. "I've got a question."

"Yes?"

"Is it too early into the date . . . for me to try to kiss you?"

I melted all over again. I hadn't kissed Jacob for a _long_ time. Or it felt like it anyway.

"It is _never _too early into the date," I said, and before I could even prepare myself, Jacob's lips were there.

It was a soft, gentle, hesitant kiss. The kind of kiss that wasn't sure which way it wanted to go. Did it want to end here or continue on into something stronger?

I parted my lips for Jacob's, letting him take my bottom one between his and kiss gently. Then my top. When I leaned forward, my intention clear, Jacob let me do the same for him.

Then Jacob pulled back, his eyes peaceful, and looked at me. He kissed me softly once, then again.

"Is she dressed yet?"

I smiled, and flitted by eyes towards the screen. She was tying her robe again.

"She is," I assured him, and he smiled.

"Well, now I can watch then," he said, pulling me back down into his side. "I think we should actually try to make it through the movie on our first date as a married couple."

I smiled and snuggled closer and we watched in silence.

For about five minutes, until there was a . . . suggestive scene. The camera cut to outside of the carriage, the windows of which were conveniently all steamed up. Then Rose's hand slapped up against the glass, and slid slowly down.

I turned to Jacob, confused. He looked down at me.

"What is it, honey?"

"They're . . . " I paused to think about the best way how to ask this. I mean, I was pretty sure, but . . . "They're . . . having sex, right?"

Jacob's face broke out into a grin, and he looked like he wanted to laugh.

"It - well, it looks like it, Ness," he said, a little chuckle slipping out anyway. I felt silly - it's like when you knew the answer but weren't exactly sure on how the equation worked.

"Well, then . . . why are her hands all the way up there?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean," I said, trying to think of how to expound my point. It sounded pretty obvious to me. "Why are her hands all the way up in the air like that? If they were - I mean, if it was me . . . "

"Where would you put your hands, Nessie?" He asked, dipping his head down low again. The arm that was around my shoulders slid down to my waist, pulling me closer, making my gown slide up higher on my hips. "If it were you?"

"On your back," I answered immediately, thinking about our first times together - before Jacob left - when I could wrap my arms tight around his back and pull him close against me. "To hold you closer. Or your arms, to feel the muscles there . . . as you moved." Jacob's tongue came out to wet his lips, and my stomach tightened. "Or your face, so I could pull you down to kiss me. Brush back your hair, wipe your sweat away."

Oh, I couldn't wait until Jacob was well again and I could have his body over mine. His weight. Hot and heavy and perfect and - oh, yes.

Jacob's head dipped lower and I tilted mine so he could brush his lips over my ear. His lips, but not his teeth, closed very gently onto the edge of it. His breath was so hot and beautifully tempting against my skin.

"I can't wait to be over you again either, my Nessie," he whispered, and my heart thudded.

Against Jacob's knee, my open palm curled into a fist.

* * *

**Coming up:**

"Was . . . that okay?"

My husband was _so _sweet.

"Mmhm," I murmured, not wanting to take the time it took to properly reassure. I would find another way. I kissed Jacob again, teasing his lips with my tongue. "Want to see if you . . . like it?"

"Whatever you want, Ness," Jacob moaned, giving me the reins. But I felt his body . . . twitch under me. Jacob did want to see. "I'm yours, baby."

Mine. Yes. Jacob was mine.


	79. In Which Jacob Talks and Nessie Listens

**_A/N:_** Another steamy scene for you! A new slight problem arising for Nessie, if you can tell what it is from this chapter. I really like this chapter, and the new closeness that they're starting to feel, so I hope you do too! Especially the fact that Jake's healing now, bit by bit. Jacob and Nessie usually talk things out . . . while they do other things, if you haven't figured it out by now. :) It's just easier for them that way.

I wanted to incorporate something with names into the title since it's kind of a huge part of this chapter to me, but I ended up going with the one below. I like it though, so I think we're good. :)

Oh, oh, and! I got another flame! Yeah. :) So go check it out and let me know what you think - of course, it's anonymous. It really bothers me when people do that though - I leave anonymous review enabled, but people I guess don't think I should have the right to reply back if they're going to give me criticism. Anyway, on with the reading!

**_Disclaimer:_** I own nothing, as it generally works. Oh, and I love the lyrics for this chapter, which I do not own. :)

* * *

In Which Jacob Likes to Talk and Nessie Likes to Listen

* * *

_i still  
be lovin' you, baby  
and it's much too much_

_- macy gray, still_

-

"Trust me," he whispered huskily, as my heart continued to thud. "I want you under me the first chance I get."

A shiver ran down my spine, shaking me. Intense.

"I'm sorry . . . that I've been making you . . . do all the work lately," he said lowly, nipping my ear. With his teeth this time. His nose trailed over my temple. "We can take a break . . . until I'm better, if you want."

"No!" It was almost a shout, and then I was on my knees, pressing Jacob's back flat against the couch so I could lean forward and ghost _my_ nose over _his_ temple. "Jacob, I love being with you. Above you, under you . . . I love . . . loving you."

"I know, baby," he soothed, tilting his head back farther against the couch so we were face-to-face. "I just feel bad about making you . . . "

"Don't feel bad," I pleaded, throwing my leg over his hips and settling down against them. I took his face in my hands and kissed his lips. "Don't ever feel bad, my Jacob, when you make me feel so good."

"Good . . ." He murmured against my lips.

"So good," I reassured, kissing him deeply once more before pulling away. "Jacob . . . I love having your body above me, I love your weight and your heat - you know that - but . . . but even once you're better . . . I'll still want . . . "

"Want?"

I pressed my face deep into Jacob's neck and breathed deep. "I'll still want to be above you . . . sometimes."

"Really?" Jacob asked sincerely. "Do you really . . . enjoy it?"

"Can't you tell, my Jacob, hm?" I asked into his skin, not wanting his insecurities to get the best of him. "I think you know I do. Do you want me to show you how much I enjoy it?"

"I can smell it," Jacob's said quietly, his hands rubbing up my back. I heard him inhale deeply, and then felt his body begin to stir under mine. "But I'm definitely not going to argue with you if you want to show me."

Was he kidding?

I kissed my way back across his cheek, stopping just short of his lips. Jacob slid his head back to see, trying to kiss me, but I tilted my head up to avoid him, teasing. His eyes darkened.

Then I leaned in and kissed him.

"I think I do want to show you," I decided quietly, settling my weight more firmly across Jacob's hips. He hardened more and I shuddered.

"You don't want to finish the movie?" He asked, teasing back. I shook my head and his came forward and stole another kiss. "So do you want to take this to the bedroom?"

Honestly, I really, really didn't. I wanted my Jacob here, and now. And it wasn't like before, when Jacob could stand up and sweep me into his arms and carry me to the bedroom - to get up and go and then have to lay back down again would be work for him, and I didn't want him to work. I wanted to take care of him.

There wasn't really room for us to do this comfortably with Jacob laying down . . . but maybe . . . couldn't we do it like we were now?

I arched my body into Jacob's hands and pressed my parted lips to his. He didn't move to kiss me, but kept his lips against mine. Sharing breath.

"What if we don't?" I asked, feeling a little hesitant. Maybe . . . now that Jacob was injured, he would enjoy the comfort of a bed more. "Could we . . . stay here?"

Jacob's hand slid over to my waist, holding me and making my body arch against him. The gown pulled even higher.

"Is that what you want?" Jacob's asked, his hand reaching up and pulling down one of my straps. His head came forward to kiss along my shoulder. "We can move to the bed if you're more comfortable there."

"No, I want you here," I panted, without exactly getting the go ahead from my brain. "God, Jacob, that feels so good."

"So good?" Jacob's voice said against my skin. He lifted his fingers off of where they were, holding my strap against my arm and it fell, exposing my breast. "That was only your shoulder."

I waited, with not exactly bated breath, as Jacob's kisses moved lower. I arched up when he tugged on my waist, lifting up higher onto my knees so he could reach. Then I buried my fingers into his hair, gently pulling his tie out as he nuzzled my breasts.

Then he closed his lips around my nipple. The pleasure was astounding and I looked down, hands still around Jacob's neck, to see him there. My desire doubled, to see him with my breast in his mouth like that, and Jacob's eyes darkened as I knew he smelled it.

His free hand, the one not holding the small of my back tightly, reached up to my opposite shoulder to pull that strap down too. I took my hands off of his neck to make it easier and the smooth silk slipped straight off, down my arms, until all of the fabric was pooled around my hips.

Jacob's eyes roamed over me.

"Beautiful," he murmured, before his hands literally seized my waist and pulled me up to his mouth.

His lips and tongue attacked every inch of my breasts and the slopes leading down to them, even the space in between and the very top of my stomach. Finally, I got the better of my pleasure and realized the strain I must be putting on Jacob's arms. I moved in a way that he would know to ease me back down, which he did.

I kissed the lips that had just made me feel so wonderful and brought my hands down to tug up Jacob's shirt. He lifted his arms and let me pull it over his head, and then I pressed our chests together, kissing almost frantically along Jacob's jaw as I ran my hands over him. Up his sides, tracing over his scar and then forward, to run up the hard muscles of his stomach.

Jacob was _so_ hard beneath me and it wasn't long before his hands found their way under the skirt of my dress, rubbing over my backside. His fingers ran over the lace and then slipped under like I had felt them do once before.

I forced myself away from his lips.

"My Jacob," I panted.

"Yeah, mama?" He asked back, his eyes flashing with the smallest hint of a smile at the new name. My body flushed at the word. It _so_ was not supposed to do that.

"I don't want to get up, honey," I assured him, moving my head back and forth so our lips brushed. "But you can't rip these panties . . . they're special."

"Special?" Jacob's eyes _definitely_ lit up then.

I felt my face heat up as I thought of what he must be imagining - Aunt Alice had left me some pretty _special_ stuff.

"No, they're - they're the panties I wore on our . . . wedding night," I explained, shy now, and kind of insecure that Jacob would be let down by what I had accidentally set him up for. "The green ones?"

"Oh," Jacob said, leaning forward and pressing a quick kiss to my shoulder as his hands moved across my backside again, like he would be able to identify the panties by touch. "I _liked_ those."

"Yeah?" I asked, feeling appeased.

"It's almost worth you getting up if I get to see them again," he said, half-smiling. He massaged my backside firmly, making me arch into him.

Jacob's grip on my loosened as I scooted myself back, but didn't break. He sat up, moving with me, and once I was standing in front of the couch he nodded for me to turn around, hands still on my hips.

Once my back was facing him, he slid his hands up and my dress fell to the ground, pooling at my feet. I took a small step forward to step out of it, but then Jacob's strong arms were pulling me back. Straight against the couch.

Then I felt Jacob's mouth, hot and soft, against the center of my back. My body arched, but sadly, it had nothing to arch into.

"Jacob . . . "

"Shh," he said into my side, his teeth scraping me gently. "Let me enjoy this."

I tried to be patient, but it was so temptingly hard to sit still as his hot lips dragged all over my back. When his tongue snuck out to taste along the small of it, I was ready to cave and beg for mercy. But that was when Jacob's strong fingers hooked themselves into my panties.

And pulled them slowly . . . tantalizingly down my legs.

He let them drop when he couldn't reach anymore, and I kicked them them lightly out of the way so I wouldn't have to step away from Jacob's hot lips, still teasing the small of my back. His hand slid up the back of my thigh to cup my backside, and it was a little shocking how . . . close in proximity the two pleasures were.

Then Jacob's other hand snaked around to my front, slipping between my legs. Before I could even moan, he was pulling me backwards, so I landed gently in his lap. My back against the armrest and my legs along the length of the couch.

Jacob's eyes were hungry and sending chills up my spine as he looked me over. I leaned in and kissed his cheek, but not chastely, and his fingers found their way back between my legs again. I pulled back to see Jacob's eyes on his hand, watching as he touched me. I looked down, realizing I could see it too.

That . . . was new. And very, _very_ nice . . .

I arched my hips into Jacob's hand, and he slipped a finger inside. The sensation alone was nearly unbearable, but the sight . . .

Which was cut off, by Jacob's kiss, hard and insistent against my mouth. He pulled back and nudged my nose with his. He came back and nipped my lip, almost roughly, but still with an underlying tenderness.

"Do you like to watch me touch you, Nessie?"

I did. Of course I did. Jacob could see, smell, and feel that I clearly did - why did I have to say it?

"Don't tease me, my Jacob, please," I murmured against his lips, my hand sliding down to cover his and urge him to press harder. "You already know how much I like it."

"I'm sorry, baby, I wasn't trying to tease you," Jacob said back earnestly, his thumb moving against me in a way that was definitely not teasing. "I just wanted to hear you say it, is all. I love hearing you say . . . shit like that."

I felt guilt, or the closest I could to it over all of the pleasure. Jacob always did whatever I liked, but then when he asked me . . .

I choked back my lust and my insecurities, and leaned in and kissed the space under his jaw, open-mouthed.

"I love when you touch me," I murmured into the skin there, biting gently onto the lobe of his ear. "And I love _watching_ you touch me . . . it makes my stomach tighten up so hard . . . "

If Jacob was impossibly hard under me before, I had no idea what he was now. I could feel him, pressing insistently against my backside.

I turned my head back and kissed Jacob's lips, probing my tongue gently into his mouth. A bolt of lust jolted through my stomach as Jacob actually took my tongue deeper, and then sucked lightly. My moaned was muffled, and then Jacob released my mouth. His fingers pressed deeper, curling over that spot.

"Was . . . that okay?"

My husband was _so _sweet.

"Mmhm," I murmured, not wanting to take the time it took to properly reassure. I would find another way. I kissed Jacob again, teasing his lips with my tongue. "Want to see if you . . . like it?"

"Whatever you want, Ness," Jacob moaned, giving me the reins. But I felt his body . . . twitch under me. Jacob did want to see. "I'm yours, baby."

Mine. Yes. Jacob was mine.

My hips thrust on their own as Jacob's fingers kept up a slow, languid pace. I reached up and cupped Jacob's cheek and brought our faces closer together. I gathered my nerves and then met Jacob's intense gaze, as I brought my tongue out to flick lightly across his lips, enticing him to open them.

He did, and then my tongue was there. It was strange to hold the dominance of the kiss - I usually let Jacob have it, and liked it, but there was something nice about just having Jacob's mouth there for me to kiss. His mouth taking cues from mine, reacting to my actions. Not a permanent change I wanted to make, but something fun to explore.

I reached my tongue easily into Jacob's mouth and found his, slipping mine under it just barely and applying the smallest amount of pressure, coaxing him to draw it out of his mouth. He did, slowly, kissing me back passionately for a few seconds before he relented and gave me control again.

I accepted his tongue into my mouth like he had done mine, and sucked gently, just like he had. Jacob's fingers inside me curled, almost involuntarily, and his hips gave a muted thrust into my backside at the same time he moaned loudly.

I released his tongue, and he withdrew it, only to come right back and kiss me more strongly than he had all day.

"That was so hot," he murmured roughly into my lips, and I felt my body begin to tighten in pleasure. What sounded like the beginnings of a growl rumbled low in Jacob's chest.

"I can feel that," I said back, only partly teasing, and I arched my body so my weight pressed down harder into his. I brought my hand down to the one Jacob had between my legs. l really was going to wait this time. "And I think it's time we did something about it . . . you haven't had your medicine since this morning, after all."

"Well, I always get drowsy after I take it and I wanted to be alert for our date," Jacob returned, his free hand coming up to cup my breast. "Which was obviously the right choice, because I'd shoot myself in the foot if I missed out on this."

"And we're staying here?" I checked, guiding Jacob's hand as he slid his fingers out of me. I missed the contact, but knew I was about to get something so much better.

"Definitely."

Oh, yes.

So the only thing left between us now was Jacob's shorts. Reluctantly, I slid from his body to pull them off. Jacob watched me, and reached down and braced his fists on the couch. He pushed his weight up onto his arms and I was quick to slide my hands inside the waistband of his shorts and pull them down.

Jacob let his body relax and lifted his feet so I could toss the shorts away. I sat back on my heels, like Jacob had done before me a thousand times, and took in his naked body. Jacob's hand had moved, probably instinctively to cover himself, but I watched as he gave himself two long strokes.

My stomach tightened, hard, and I bit my lip at Jacob's pure sexiness. It was unfair.

I let my hands, rested on his knees, move slowly up his thighs, and Jacob exhaled sharply.

"What are you doing?" Jacob asked, almost playfully, but not quite. His eyes were almost black. "Get up here."

"Oh, you want me up there," I said, turning my hand and letting the tips of my fingers graze his hardness. His fingers caught mine, and moved them so I was gripping him, but I didn't move. "Up there with you?"

"Who's teasing now." Jacob stated, more than asked, his hand overtaking mine and guiding it over him since it was clear I wasn't doing it on my own. I had no idea why I was taking the time to tease when I wanted him so bad - it was more fun when it wasn't you. "But you know, honey, I have no problem saying stuff."

"Stuff?"

I took some initiative, stroking my hand over Jacob's hardness without his prompting. I didn't want to tease _too_ bad. I never wanted to be cruel.

"I have no problem saying that I want you up here so I can be making love to you," he said huskily, and I literally shivered with pleasure. I was glad Jacob had no problem with talking. "I fucking love being with you, Ness, I'm not ashamed to say it. And . . ."

"And?" My body forced me to prod before my mind could even think it through.

"And if I wasn't . . . hurt, I _would_ be making love to you right now," he promised, and I gripped him harder. Even now, Jacob could pull me up into his lap if he wanted, but that wasn't part of the game. Not yet, at any rate. "On the floor or over the coffee table . . . you remember that time, Ness?"

I did remember that time. It was the first time with Jacob behind me . . . not laying down. Very scary, but just as thrilling. I could only nod.

It was amazing how the man could turn the tables on me like that.

Now I was putty in _his_ hands.

"Come on up here, baby," he _almost_ commanded. The Alpha tone was there, but underlying. I still heard it though, and my body ached.

I obeyed, climbing up into his lap, and relishing in his hot skin against mine. His arms wrapping tight around me. And then, finally, this hardness . . . straining between my legs.

"All right," I murmured, moving my hips slightly, so Jacob's body teased against mine. He hissed. "I'm here."

"Yeah, you are," he said roughly, before catching my cheek and kissing me hotly. Passionately.

My hand fell between our bodies and fumbled, half-drunk with desire, to position Jake properly.

"Ready, my Jacob?" I asked against his lips.

His hands moved, one gripping my hip possessively and the other cupping my neck before he said, "Ready, mama."

I brought my body down.

It was different, but good. The angle was slightly different, but not much - our torsos were together, and that was good. My breasts against Jacob's chest, our mouths together.

When I was all the way down, Jacob's entire body nestled deep inside mine, my backside rested against his thighs. That was definitely new. I could feel the muscles there, something I'd always appreciated but never paid much attention to, strong and hot and hard.

Jacob's head rolled back against the couch and he let out a guttural moan. A gorgeous sound. The sensation of being filled was as overwhelming as always, but now it seemed like it was Jacob who needed the moment to adjust.

I slid my hands up his stomach and chest to his shoulders, leaning in so my nipples teased his chest. I kissed the front of his throat.

"How's that, baby?"

"Fucking . . . " The curse word was a given, but the adjective required some thought apparently. "_Phenomenal_."

"I like that word," I said, grinding my hips a little and accepting the the small gasp Jacob gave wholeheartedly. Along with the jolt of pleasure it gave me. "Phenomenal."

"It describes you . . . pretty damn well," Jacob panted, his hips shifting against mine, letting me know it was time to move.

Bracing my hands on his shoulders, I dragged my body up. The last few days had taught me how to do this well. Jacob let out a low, deep sound at the movement of my body, his hands fell down to skim up the back of my thighs.

We fell into a steady, easy rhythm. Nothing awkward. It was a little exciting, to be together in another place besides the bed after so long, and the new position. Good, but comfortable.

Our bodies rocked together, easily, Jacob's hands picking up the slack my body left. It was easy and beautiful and made everything else fade away. I could spend the rest of my life here, making love to my husband. Just like this.

"Me too, baby," Jacob panted, a line of sweat beginning at his hairline. He'd been sweating more when we were together lately - maybe because it was harder work for him. "Or maybe it's because you're so damn hot."

My hands immediately curled into fists as I realized I had opened my mind to Jacob. This was dangerous - too dangerous now, to let my gift get away from me. Something it had been doing more and more lately.

Why though? Maybe it was because of my new . . . responsibility in Jacob and mine's . . . togetherness. How my brain blurred out and my body took over and that left me more open . . .

I'd have to be careful.

"Are we getting shy again?" Jacob asked in what would have been a teasing way if we hadn't been so . . . worked up. My body continued to move over his. "I'm not ashamed - I could spend the rest of my life locked in a room, making love to you all day. In every way . . . every position . . . over and over."

God, I didn't know what inspired this talking thing, but I never wanted it to stop.

"I'm not ashamed," I promised fervently, cues from Jacob's body and my own need driving me faster. I took his face in both of my hands and kissed him. "I'm not ashamed of you, my Jacob."

"I know," Jacob panted, his breath getting more erratic as I worked myself over him harder. The wave and I were racing towards each other - at this point, either way I won. "I know . . . baby."

Baby. I loved when Jacob called me that, but with all the nicknames today . . . I had missed my first one. My very first nickname that Jacob had given me. I loved the rest of them, but nothing could replace the original.

I leaned in and pressed my lips to Jacob's ear.

"Say my real name, Jacob," I breathed, turning my head to nuzzle his cheek. "I want to hear it from you, love."

Jacob was quiet for three heartbeats before I felt his breath, hot and moist, against my neck.

"Renesmee."

My body faltered, for the shortest of seconds, before it remembered its pace. That I had not expected - I couldn't even remember the last time I heard my full name from Jacob's lips. He always had used it rarely, but lately not at all. It had to have been months, at least.

It still sounded beautiful from his lips. It still made my stomach twist and my heart falter, but that hadn't been what I meant. Of course, when I said 'real name', that would be what Jacob thought.

"No," I whispered back urgently. I never insisted the rest of my family call me Nessie - I would never ask Jacob to call me Renesmee. It would insult them. And I loved my Jacob's name for me, even more than my given one. That was the one I had wanted to hear. "My name from you. Say it for me."

"Nessie . . ." He murmured, almost like a question, seeking my approval. He sounded so vulnerable for some reason.

I had to kiss him.

It was a sweet, but passionate kiss.

"Nessie," he said again, with more confidence. He leaned in and kissed me, with renewed vigor. Like something had energized him, he brought his hands down to my hips and began guiding me, even faster than before. "_My_ Nessie."

"My Jacob," I panted back, dropping my head to his strong shoulder.

Jacob called me nothing else the entire time he made love to me, and though I'd heard it thousands of times before, every time I heard that name fall from his lips, a shiver ricocheted through me.

And as it was ending, and my body was shuddering with pleasure and Jacob's was filling me with wet heat, it was all he murmured.

"Nessie . . . Nessie . . . _Nessie_."

Yes, I was.

* * *

**Coming up:**

"Ready to stretch your back, love?"

"Yeah," he said, his voice a little rougher than usual. I knew this was the harder part for Jacob, despite the perks - it was painful for him, and he always did his best to hide it. "Just let me get my legs straight."

I waited while Jacob stretched his long legs out in front of him, and leaned a little further, still holding my weight, when one of his hands reached back to thread through my curls.

"Okay?"

"Okay, baby."

"On three," I warned him, spacing my knees and pressing my chest firmly to his back, our heads the same height. I reached forward and let my hands slide down his chest. "Tell me if I need to stop, okay? One, two . . . three."

Then, gently, I began to push.


	80. In Which it Feels Better Than it Hurts

**_A/N:_** Hello! Not much to say about this chapter. It's a short one, although ground is covered - there's some progress for Jacob - yay! I love the ending of this chapter and the title, which I actually came up with on my own this time. :)

Alissa, you can't PM without an account, I don't think. And I don't really want to post my email address publicly, but if you have a twitter, I can DM you. If you don't want to bother, then that's fine.

Sorry to use the A/N as a public forum, ladies. I really don't have much to say - oh, except look out for an interview from me soon! It'll be coming up on one of my lovely friend's blogs, the link to which I'll post you when I have it by me and I'm not so terribly tired. You girls rock. :)

**_Disclaimer:_** I own nothing, as it generally works. Well, I do own two new cute over-shirts and a couple of bracelets due to a trip to the mall this afternoon.

* * *

In Which it Feels Better Than it Hurts

* * *

_if we crawl 'til we can walk again  
then we'll run, until we're strong enough to jump  
then we'll fly  
until there is no end_

_- chris brown, crawl_

-

The next few days melded together. Things were as good as they always were, and Jacob was improving rapidly - which was amazing. He could stand on his own with much less effort and he flinched but didn't curse when he lowered himself down onto the couch or bed now. And he took his medicine like a good boy, at least twice a day.

There was only one kink in the road: my gift. It was becoming more and more . . . uncontrollable.

It was like back when I was very small and hadn't learned how to control it very well yet - almost any palm-to-skin connection with my guard down would let Jacob straight into my head. Which wasn't good - it wasn't good at all - not until I had gotten everything straight with him.

After that, he could go as deep into my mind and soul as he liked.

Making love with Jacob was harder now because of that - I had two options in that sense. To focus hard and keep concentration so our connection didn't open, which honestly affected the best part of being with Jacob - which was being with him. Then the other was to lose my head completely, throw myself so deep into the moment that my brain couldn't even contemplate thoughts of babies and secrets and all of the rest.

This was the option I went with.

As the days progressed, I found out some more perks to being the one on top. Like, for instance, I could initiate things with Jacob more easily - and he really seemed to like that. It was nerve-wracking the first time, but I quickly got used to it.

One of my most favorite things to do now was to roll over onto Jacob, fresh from sleep, while he was still snoring. He didn't always wake up at my weight, but the snoring would stop. Then I would kiss slow, sleepy kisses down his neck and across his chest, and then finally slide my body down over his.

This was the part always assured to wake him up. It was . . . very nice to be with Jacob like this, early in the mornings. Soft and sleepy and slow, no rush in the world. These times never lasted long - or perhaps they could have lasted hours; time was lost to us.

I just loved how when my body finally collapsed onto Jacob's with gentle shudders - always gentle that early - his eyes would flutter closed and we could fall asleep together again, in each other's arms.

The afternoons were different - much more passionate, wilder. Jacob managing to take control of the situation even from under me, guiding my body and murmuring amazing words. Instead of ending quietly and drifting back off into a soft sleep, our afternoon . . . togetherness always ended with breathless panting and Jacob's skin covered with a thin sheen of sweat.

I couldn't decide which I liked better - so I decided I wanted them all. I wanted my Jacob every way.

This life, it was perfect. The only thing missing . . . was the complete truth. Oh, how I longed to kneel before Jacob, wrapped tight in his hot arms. Slide his hand down to touch my stomach and nuzzle my nose with his, and then tell him.

I had imagined it a hundred thousand times, and I was sure I knew his reaction. He would be happy, I know it, hold me very tight. There would be the questions and assurances, but then his protective instinct would kick in.

How long had I known? Had I told anyone else? I had to see a doctor - now! And - and he had been letting me cook and clean, and supporting part of his weight! What had he done? How could he have done that? He was an idiot - God. We had to go back to the big house now. Now. I wouldn't be doing anything else - God, Nessie honey, he was so sorry.

No, I wouldn't let that happen.

I know, once Jacob found out, he would want to take care of me - which was fine. He really still took care of me every day, but in his mind, everything had to be physical - Jacob wouldn't truly believe he was taking care of me unless he could sweep me up into his arms and carry me or lay his body over mine and make love to me. Hot and passionate how he always did before, in control.

So I would wait until Jacob could do that - then he would feel much better about everything, I'm sure. The guilt would be much less.

Then there would only be joy - I hope.

But that would be coming soon - Jacob was getting better everyday. It wouldn't be long until he was healed, I could feel it. I only had to wait until then - if Jacob found out before then, I think he would be so hurt. I couldn't stand to hurt him.

I hope he would understand that all I'd done - all of it - was only to make sure everything was perfect for him.

So all there was left to do was make sure my Jacob healed quickly - and thankfully, that meant loving him as hard and as often as I could. How many women were so lucky?

"God, Ness, that was good, baby," Jacob complimented, ignoring my hand held out for the plate and sitting in on the floor. He took my hand and used it to pull me into his lap. "You spoil me."

"I know, eggs," I said, rolling my eyes playfully. I reached out and brushed a bit of egg from the corner of his lips, pressing it past them when he parted them for me. His tongue flicked across my finger and I held in a shudder. "I must have been trained in France with the best of them."

Jacob rolled his eyes back and pulled me into his chest, and for a moment I just let myself relax there. After a few minutes, I let my hands run up the smooth, muscular planes of his back. So strong and beautiful.

"Are you ready for your stretches yet?" I asked into his shoulder, kissing the line there. Lately, I'd been helping Jacob with them - it turned a tedious, but necessary task into something very . . . rewarding for the both of us. "Or would you like to rest a little first?"

"No." Jacob pulled me back to meet my eyes, a sexy smirk on his lips. Jacob liked stretching now - which I was very happy for, since I knew it caused him pain. "I want to do it now, then I can rest."

"All right," I told him, climbing off of his lap. "Scoot up - do you need my help?"

"Not anymore I don't," he said proudly, sitting up and throwing his pillows to the floor. He lifted himself up onto his arms and sort of moved his body forward. It wasn't much, but enough for my body to fit between his and the head of the bed. "I'm all growed up."

"Yes, you are," I praised, leaving it at that and keeping a few more - amusing, but much less tasteful - comments to myself. I moved into place behind him. "All right, Jake, lift your arms."

He did, raising his arms slowly, straight out and then up. He still may have maintained all of the strength in his arms, but not using them as much meant the muscles tightened up. He needed to be as loose as possible to phase again - something Grandpa Carlisle already theorized would be painful for the first time.

I hated that my Jacob had to hurt - I had to make everything as easy as possible for him to avoid what pain we could.

Once Jacob's arms were straight up above his head, I placed my hands against his very upper sides and then slid them slowly up. Up the strong, bulging muscles of his arms, making me stretch up on my knees as high as I could go just to reach. Jacob sighed, his hot skin making me follow suit, and when my hands were back against his lower biceps, I paused and pushed gently.

Jacob inhaled a little sharply, but otherwise didn't resist, letting me stretch his arms. We held the position for thirty seconds, as per doctor orders, and then I moved my hands to the inside of his arms, guiding them gently back down.

I rubbed the soft skin soothingly, up and down, once they were back at his sides. Then I leaned forward, very careful with my weight, and wrapped one of my arms around Jacob's chest, leaning over his shoulder.

"Ready to stretch your back, love?"

"Yeah," he said, his voice a little rougher than usual. I knew this was the harder part for Jacob, despite the perks - it was painful for him, and he always did his best to hide it. "Just let me get my legs straight."

I waited while Jacob stretched his long legs out in front of him, and leaned a little further, still holding my weight, when one of his hands reached back to thread through my curls.

"Okay?"

"Okay, baby."

"On three," I warned him, spacing my knees and pressing my chest firmly to his back, our heads the same height. I reached forward and let my hands slide down his chest. "Tell me if I need to stop, okay? One, two . . . three."

Then, gently, I began to push.

Jacob leaned with my weight, forward, and we moved slowly. Making sure not to stretch Jacob's muscles past their point of tolerance. Jacob leaned, the goal to make his torso as parallel with his legs as possible, but we hadn't achieved that goal quite yet. It was still painful for my Jacob, but he was trying.

I leaned in with my weight until I began to meet resistance - then I stalled.

"Are you okay, my Jacob?" I asked into his ear, unable to see his face, but the cords of his neck were very tight. "Do you need back up?"

"No, let's hold it," he said tightly, his breathing short. "Ten seconds - I can do it."

"Okay," I murmured, beginning the count in my head. A little faster than Jacob himself always counted. I hated to hear his labored breath under me - from pain and not pleasure. I hated it. "That's ten, love."

"No," Jacob said, his breathing growing more labored from speaking. There was a pause of maybe two seconds. "Now."

I sat up, lifting my weight and pulling Jacob with me, my hands around his chest. He let out a deep exhale and relaxed his muscles going lax against me. I draped myself further over his chest, letting my arm swoop down to sooth over his stomach.

"So good, my Jacob," I praised quietly, pressing a small kiss to his neck. "So good - that was further than yesterday. You're getting close."

"I'm only gonna go one more time," Jacob said, which worried me a little. Was he hurt? We usually did three sets of ten seconds, since he couldn't hold for thirty. "But I want to go as far down as I can and hold it for thirty."

I was surprised. Jacob and I had talked about not pushing his limits past what he was sure he could do, and he had agreed.

"Are you sure, Jake?" I asked. If he was, then I would help him. He'd promised he wouldn't push himself too hard, and I trusted him.

"Yeah," he said, panting now. He leaned back into my chest a little, which comforted me. "I really feel like I can. It's so much easier with you, Ness."

"I'm so glad," I swore, dipping my head down to kiss his shoulder. Jacob relaxed into me more.

Then I got an idea.

Jacob said stretching was easier with me, with my body against his, helping him. Before, Jacob did his stretches during the short times we were apart, when I was showering or going for food.

I never saw him, but when I asked, he assured me that he had done them - and I believed him.

But if my presence alone helped Jacob to heal, and - and us . . . making love kick-started it . . .

And my helping Jacob stretch made it easier for him . . . why not give him a little more help?

"Okay, we'll go again in a second - do you need water?" We kept a large glass on the side of the bed for this purpose. I sat back on my heels so there was a little more room between our bodies.

"No, I'm good, I'll get some in a minute," he decided, and I saw him shifting his long legs, arranging them straight in front of him. "You ready, Ness?"

"Yeah, one second," I said, and attempted to wriggle out of my t-shirt with the least amount of movement possible so as not to alert Jacob to what I was doing. I placed my hands on his hot back, fingers spread. "All right, I'm ready when you are."

There was a silence of about two seconds before Jacob said, "You can push now."

So I did, pushing slowly, even though I knew we were still in territory that was easy for him to reach. Jacob moved with my pace, leaning forward. He stalled at about halfway.

"Enough?" I asked. He'd gone a little further than this before, but that was when he was only holding the position for ten seconds.

"No, a little further," he urged. "Don't worry, Ness, it doesn't even hurt yet. It's just uncomfortable."

Yes, it didn't hurt _yet_. But Jacob wanted to keep going.

I told myself it was good for him, it was to help him heal. And I leaned in closer, sliding my hands around to his chest and pressing mine to his back. Jacob shuddered as he felt my breasts press against his skin.

"That some kind of incentive?" He asked, and I could _hear_ the smirk on his lips. "Because it's working."

I couldn't help but laugh a little.

"No," I said, pushing another inch forward as I said it. I heard Jacob grit his teeth. "Just something to help keep your mind off."

"Uh-huh," Jacob teased, but his breathing was labored. "You're just used to being naked now."

"That must be what it is," I returned, playing along. Grimacing when Jacob gasped as he moved forward another two inches. He was almost there now. "Now save your breath, Jacob. Just tell me when to stop."

"A little more," he urged, and I obeyed, pressing just as little as I could.

There was the slightest bit of resistance, and I realized it was because Jacob's chest was against his legs. He had done it! Now we just had to hold it . . .

I pressed my lips into Jacob's shoulder and ran my hands over his arms as I counted in my head. When I was at fifteen he said, "That's ten."

I wasn't sure if I was counting too fast or he was counting too slow - it was probably a little of both.

"You're doing great, Jake," I praised, flinching against his labored breath. I shifted, sliding up a little higher. "How do you feel?"

"It hurts like fuck," he bit out, at least honestly. "But less and less the - longer I hold it."

"Do you need to stop?"

"No, no," he disagreed, his back still tight. I ghosted my hands up his sides, feeling the scar on his left. "Just don't - get up."

I wouldn't. I knew it was hard for him to hold the position on his own - he'd probably have to hold on to his feet or something. It must be easier to have my weight, however light it was, holding him there.

"That's twenty," he gasped when I was at twenty-five.

"You don't have to hold it for thirty seconds, Jacob," I reminded him soothingly. I knew how he liked to push himself. "Twenty is good, you've already done ten earlier."

"I can do it, Ness . . . " He took in a deep breath, and when he let it out, I was surprised to feel him sink a little lower. I checked my weight, making sure I wasn't putting unneeded pressure on him. "It's not even so bad anymore."

So I just pressed my face into his shoulder, running my lips back and forth lightly across the skin there, and kept counting in my head. I was at forty-five before Jacob gasped, "Okay."

I removed my weight immediately, still keeping my skin against his, and his torso rose with mine, slowly.

Jacob let out a long, deep breath and his muscles sagged. I braced myself on my knees and he let his weight fall against my chest when he was upright. He was breathing heavy. I soothed my hand over his chest and stomach, pressed a kiss to his neck.

Something like a groan rumbled low in his chest.

"Are you okay?" His weight leaned against my chest a little more, making it easier for me to see his face. "Didn't pull anything?"

"No, I feel great," he said, turning his head to the side to catch my lips in a kiss. His breathing was still a little heavy. His back moved against my chest a little. "Just trying to cop a feel."

His lips spread into a grin and it was hard for mine not to follow. I leaned back, supporting Jacob with my hands on his shoulders, making sure to run my breasts across his skin teasingly in parting.

"Jacob Black, you are horrible," I said like his words bothered me, sliding out from behind him and moving some pillows into place. "And you need to rest. So lay back."

"Man, I feel good," he said as he obeyed me, laying back into the pillows without even flinching. He sighed and stretched, actually _arching_ his back off the bed. I felt my eyes go wide. "I _told_ you I felt good."

"That doesn't hurt?"

I watched Jacob turn his head towards me and lift his hand, brushing his fingers from my collarbone down to my stomach. I tried not to shiver against his touch.

"Feels better than it hurts," he said, grinning. I felt myself grin back.

A lot of things were like that.

* * *

**Coming up:**

"Embry said to grab you by the hair and drag you back to the cave," he said, smirking. His eyes were bright. He was having fun, being back with his friends. "Which I think means to tell you to come on outside with everybody else."

I laughed and walked over to the door, straining up to kiss his lips.

"I'm making the non-meat part of your meal," I informed him, refraining from placing my dirty hand on his cheek. "I'll come out when I'm done."

"Food that's not meat?" Jacob asked, widening his eyes. "I know not of what you speak."

"I speak of macaroni and cheese and potato salad," I told him back in the same put-on tone, unable to hold my grin back.

"Ah, the other food group," he said sagely, nodding his head. He broke the facade quickly though, breaking into a grin and kissing my lips quickly. "Okay, well, come out when you're done."


	81. In Which There are Lawn Chairs

**_A/N:_** This is a long-ass chapter, so it makes up for the last one, which was short. There's a lot of fresh blood in this one (don't be so literal) that I hope you enjoy. Some comedy, some movement, and you get to see really how Nessie in particular as grown in one conversation.

Also, I'd like to clear up something a few people seem to be confused on - I don't know if you know or not. If Nessie is pregnant - she's only a little over **three weeks pregnant **at this point, eleven days of which Jacob was either absent or unconscious. So it hasn't been months or anything, and believe me, this secret is weighing on her too.

Also, I'd like to pimp my original blog (I know I'm horrible): **_spiceandsmoke(dot)blogspot(dot)com_**

It was one of my new years resolutions to post more often, and I have been, so I'd love if people would check it out and comment. Because you girls rock and I trust your opinion!

**_Disclaimer:_** Katie did the title, but I did the lyrics on my own! Ah, the Beatles. Classics never die.

**_Dedication:_** This chapter is going out to one of my lovely readers by the name of **WendyJH,** who just found this story. She read it all, and reviewed every chapter. That's right, all eighty. This is why she rocks hard and this is why she gets a dedication! You rock, girl!

* * *

In Which There are Imprints, Lawn Chairs, and Piggy-Back Rides

* * *

_oh, i get by with a little help from my friends  
mmm, i get high with a little help from my friends  
i'm gonna try with a little help from my friends_

_- the beatles, with a little help from my friends_

-

Jacob began improving on a much faster basis. He walked more places and he didn't necessarily need to hold onto anything for balance most of the time. I stopped being so worried about Jacob moving around on his own and he stopped being so adamant on going everywhere I went. Not that I minded spending time with him, but I hated that he would fight sleep just to sit in the kitchen with me while I washed dishes.

Jacob even rolled over onto his stomach one day, with my help, but it was uncomfortable for him because he couldn't draw his leg up under him. He would literally have to lay flat on his stomach, legs straight out, and he said it made his back hurt. So I helped him roll back and he decided he'd stick with that position for now. He was glad to know he _could_ do it though, if he wanted.

Jacob was taking advantage of being more mobile, taking short walks around the house, although at first one circuit was enough to tire him out. That bothered him, I know, even though he tried not to show it. He started walking a lot more after that, trying, I know, to build up his tolerance.

Quil, Seth, and Embry came over one afternoon. Natalie and Claire came with them, of course. Quil said she'd been bugging him about going to see Uncle Jake since he got back from his "trip" and she hadn't gotten to see him. Natalie came with Seth to meet Jacob too. She knew Jacob's importance and place in her boyfriend's life now that she was in on everything.

Claire was still sticking to Quil's side like glue, although she did leave him for a few minutes to hug Jake and come hang out in the kitchen with me and Natalie. She brought Jacob a homemade get-well-soon card that was so well drawn that it actually looked store bought. Natalie brought cookies.

She shook Jacob's hand, shyly but with an attempt at being friendly, and then asked if I needed help with anything. Since it was about time to start supper and there were three extra wolves in the house, I definitely did, and her help was appreciated.

Natalie and I dug through the fridge and came to the fast conclusion that the simplest and most effective way to feed four hungry wolf-men was steaks. I had issues with meat, but it all worked out since Natalie said she would take over the meat if I made potato salad. And viola! The perfect escape for me.

Seth caught Natalie on her way out, though, and manipulated the the giant bowl of steaks from her hands. At least they were still mostly frozen, so the scent of the blood on them wasn't strong.

Apparently, steak-cooking - or anything on the grill - was man work. Seth beat his chest like a caveman, grabbed Natalie's hand and pulled her out the door, calling his fellow men to follow him.

They did, rolling their eyes. Jacob shot me a look before he stepped outside, a smile playing on his lips. It was _so good _to see him walking around again, almost like normal. Almost.

I did a quick mental check to make sure there were chairs outside. Jacob would need to sit down before long. There were two out by the grill, on the small porch, but we had more in the shed.

Jacob surprised me by poking his head back in the door a second later. Well, more like half of his body, since moving his torso to the side was still painful for him.

"Embry said to grab you by the hair and drag you back to the cave," he said, smirking. His eyes were bright. He was having fun, being back with his friends. "Which I think means to tell you to come on outside with everybody else."

I laughed and walked over to the door, straining up to kiss his lips.

"I'm making the non-meat part of your meal," I informed him, refraining from placing my dirty hand on his cheek. "I'll come out when I'm done."

"Food that's not meat?" Jacob asked, widening his eyes. "I know not of what you speak."

"I speak of macaroni and cheese and potato salad," I told him back in the same put-on tone, unable to hold my grin back.

"Ah, the other food group," he said sagely, nodding his head. He broke the facade quickly though, breaking into a grin and kissing my lips quickly. "Okay, well, come out when you're done."

"Okay," I agreed, and then Jacob's slid his other half back out the door.

I went back to the kitchen and back to what I had been doing, filling the largest pot we had and setting it to boil. I dropped about a dozen eggs in and then pulled one of the bags of potatoes Rachel bought for us out from under the cabinet. I was still peeling my first potato when Claire came out of the bathroom.

"Where's everybody?" She asked as she came into the kitchen, looking a little nervous. Probably wondering if Quil had left without telling her.

"They're outside, building up the grill and acting crazy like usual," I said, shooting her a smile. She gave me a half of one back. "Natalie's out there making sure they don't burn anything. You can go out too if you want."

"I don't want to leave you by yourself," she said, coming to lean against the counter I was working on. "D'you have another potato peeler? I can help you. You probably want to do the whole bag to feed all of them, huh?"

"Yeah, actually, I was," I told her, smiling to myself as I thought how Claire already knew how the wolf stomach worked. I paused what I was doing to pull open a drawer and dig through it. "And I don't have another potato peeler, but you can take this one . . . and I'll just use a regular knife. Here."

It would be hard for me to cut myself, but it wouldn't be for Claire. And she didn't super-heal like our wolves did.

"Thanks," she said, accepting the peeler and grabbing a potato. "We making mashed potatoes?"

"Close - potato salad," I told her, and she nodded.

"Cool."

We peeled together for awhile, Claire's help making it fast work. I chopped each potato after it was peeled, doing Claire's for her since I had the knife, and dropped them into the boiling pot.

We chatted back and forth for a few minutes, about a spelling bee coming up at Claire's school and her birthday party next month. She asked if Jacob was feeling better and I told her how much easier he was moving around lately and that he was on his way to being healed soon.

But that only made my mind go straight back to my ulterior motive for wanting Jacob to heal so quickly.

"I think he's enjoying the chance to hang out with his friends," I told her, listening to Embry's loud voice boom something out, followed by Jacob's rich laughter.

Claire nodded and tucked a curtain of shiny black hair behind her ear. We fell into a comfortable silence, working together.

When I was chopping the last of the potatoes to throw into the pot, Claire paused from washing her hands, reaching up to turn the faucet off.

"Nessie?" She asked, as I dumped the cutting board's contents into the boiling water. I hm'd to let her know I was listening. "What . . . what's it like to be married?"

I paused, thinking very carefully about the question. It was odd, my all accounts, for Claire to ask me this question. Not insomuch as her asking it, but that she should have to at all. She was three years my senior, yet still ten years old.

And I was a married woman. A married, pregnant woman.

"It's . . . wonderful," I decided on saying safely. I had to walk the line between being truthful and not sharing too much with my childhood playmate, giving her the right idea without making her jealous. "I love Jacob very much."

"I mean, it must be so great," she said, lifting herself up onto the counter she had just cleaned off. Her eyes flickered to mine and then back down. "To like, have the person you love the most love you back and . . . want to be with you forever."

"It is pretty great," I admitted, already feeling where this conversation was steering.

"You're so lucky, Nessie," she said abruptly, a little bitterness covering her tone, but not much. "It's not fair."

"What isn't?" I asked, walking the few steps across the kitchen to where Claire was. She was higher than me, since she was sitting on the counter.

Not to mention she was tall - at ten, she was already nearly my height. She'd bypass me soon. She and Quil would be able to walk together with his arm around her waist.

"I know nobody likes to talk about it or whatever," she said, looking down and knocking the cabinets with her sneakered feet a little. "Like I'll forget or something if it's not mentioned for awhile, but I know that I'm older than you."

Yes, we all knew that she knew that. By 'nobody' she probably meant Quil, who would want to avoid that subject. The subject of vampires and werewolves. And imprinting.

"You are," I clarified, not seeing how it could do any harm. We had pictures - well, I did - of us playing together when we were small. "By three years."

"Yeah," she said, like my confirmation assured something inside her, like she actually had been doubting that. "And you're - all grown up and married, and I'm still stuck like this. It's not fair."

I . . . didn't know what to tell her. It wasn't fair, really. For either one of us.

"You and Uncle Jake . . . you were kinda like me and Quil, right?" She asked, and my heart fluttered. Claire's head shot up. "They can't . . . they can't hear us in here, can they?"

"They probably can if they're paying attention," I told her honestly, making sure to lower my voice. I held my hand out to her. "Come on, let's go sit in the bedroom. If we lower our voices, they won't be able to hear us over all the noise they're making out there."

"But - what about the food?"

She was right. We did have hungry wolves to feed.

I quickly pulled three family sized boxes of macaroni and cheese from the cabinets and set another large pot to boil.

"There," I told her, admiring my quick handiwork. I offered her my hand again. "Now we have nothing to do until the potatoes and eggs are done."

She took it and hopped down and we went together to Jacob's old bedroom. It was closer to the men outside, but I wasn't sure if the bedroom Jacob and I slept in now was acceptable for guests. I was pretty sure I hadn't made the bed yet today, and I'd gotten dressed to meet the guys in a bit of a hurry.

We sat down together on Jacob's bed, and I realized in the back of my head that I assumed the position Jacob usually sat in. Back against the headboard, legs crossed. Claire sat, a little awkwardly, in front of me. I wasn't sure what to do, in the . . . more grown up position here. I'd always been on Claire's side of things.

"Okay," I said generally, since that seemed like a safe place to start. "What were we talking about?"

"You and Uncle Jake," she reminded me, picking at a thread on the spread, pulling on it until she suddenly realized what she was doing and stopping abruptly. She looked up at me. "Sorry. Um, we were talking about you and Uncle Jake and how . . . how you were like me and Quil."

"Right," I said vaguely.

I was really hoping Claire would just talk, vent, and I could comfort her without having to dispense any real, actual advice. I wasn't exactly an expert - things had gotten about as bad as they could get before Jacob and I pulled the truth out of each other.

"He was with you your whole life, wasn't he?" She asked and I nodded. "Like Quil's been . . . well, I don't know if he's been there for my _whole _life, but I can never remember him not being . . . "

Claire paused, making a loose fist and pressing it down onto the mattress so that her knuckles cracked. I shuddered against the sound. I remembered Jacob doing it when I was really little, but I hated it, and so he stopped.

"But now you and Uncle Jacob are married," she said, half statement, half question.

Claire wanted to know how it worked. The transition, from best friend to . . . more. I wasn't really one to talk, but Claire was definitely too young for more right now. Although she didn't seem too young to want it.

"We are," I said, feeling slightly useless in this conversation, but not necessarily wanting to change that. Just confirming simple statements.

"When did . . you start loving Uncle Jake like that?" She asked and then shook her head. "No, no, that's wrong. When did you start, like, wanting him to be your boyfriend and stuff?"

So . . . like with Jacob and me, Claire's love hadn't changed. It was just the things you wanted that changed. The love stayed the same, things just added to it over time.

When you were very small, you were just happy with the guidance. Then when you were a little older, you wanted to know more. Details about them, stories about why they were the way they were, a friendship.

Then, suddenly, inexplicably, friendship wasn't enough.

But the love never changed. It stayed the same, strong and heavy and constant. Claire had recognized this.

"I don't remember when exactly . . . I started to see him in a different way," I said, again generally, truthfully, but not exactly. I remembered that first dream clearly, what started the whole process, but to be honest it probably started building up long before then. "Can I ask . . . why you're asking, Claire?"

"I know I'm just a kid, all right?" She said, uncrossing her arms and moving her shoulders in a helpless kind of way. "Even though you're supposed to be too, but you're already all grown up and pretty and married."

The grown comment I expected, and the married part a little too, but the middle one . . . pretty. It bothered me.

"You're pretty too, Claire," I assured her, reaching out to touch her hand. She left it there, but she kept her eyes on them, not meeting mine. "Want to hear a secret?"

It wasn't necessarily a secret, since Jacob had dragged it out of me after like half an hour, but Claire didn't know so it could count.

Her eyes lit up, and she really did look ten for a second. "Sure."

"When we were little," I went on, realizing just how odd that sentence really was considering our situation. "I used to be so jealous of your skin."

That was completely true. I'd been so jealous because Claire was all dark and russet like Jacob and I was so white. I'd wanted to be a wolf - I wanted to be just like him - and Claire seemed closer to that than I was, at least in appearance.

But like I said, Jacob dragged it out of me before too long and then laughed. He told me I was the prettiest girl in the world and he loved me the way I was. I wasn't so jealous after that, but a little longing still lingered for awhile.

"Really?" She asked, smiling even though it looked like she didn't want to. "I used to get jealous of your curls . . . and then all the stuff you could do because you were 'older'."

I felt bad as I watched the smile fade from Claire's face.

"Don't ever think you're not pretty," I told her, trying to move on with that topic so the other issue could be brushed aside. "And I bet . . . I know someone else who thinks you're pretty too."

It might not have been the smartest thing to do, especially considering the way this conversation was leaning, to mention Quil in that light. But I honestly thought that would help bring it home.

When I was little and Aunt Alice and Aunt Rose would shove me into one ridiculous outfit or another, I sometimes wouldn't leave the house until Jacob assured me it was pretty. Even Momma or Daddy couldn't convince me, but if Jake said 'you look cute, Ness, what're you fussing over?' then I was fine. Even then.

"That's not even what I'm talking about," she mumbled, but I didn't miss the way her cheeks flared up at my last words. I had my share of experience checking Jake's dark skin for much more subtle blushes, and so Claire's came through bright and clear. "I meant . . . you're all grown up pretty. With the . . . and the - "

She gestured vaguely, and then _I_ blushed as I got it.

Wow. _That_ must have been another thing my super growing speed kept me from experiencing. I'd never _wished_ to be older - I just wanted the growing to stop. It was awkward, having to buy clothes every week, to have places start growing that had thankfully not grown for most of my life while the rest of me was shooting every which way.

It was disconcerting and uncomfortable, to be handed a bra and told you had to wear it, only to turn around and be told the next week that you needed new sizes. To wake up one morning and be unable to pull your panties up over your hips. To wake up one morning bleeding and be told it was going to happen to you every month for the rest of your very long life.

I guess it didn't work like that for human girls.

"You'll get the - and the - " I gestured like Claire had, for lack of a better term or the bravery to come up with one. "Just, normal, how you're supposed to."

"I guess," she murmured, sounding unconvinced. "I mean, I know that, I just . . . Uncle Jake. He never . . . had a girlfriend or - or anything, did he? Before you, I mean."

Oh, wow.

"He never did while I was growing up, no," I answered, hoping Claire's question just stemmed from curiosity. Quil couldn't . . . have a girlfriend, could he? Wasn't it . . . impossible? "Does . . . ?"

"He doesn't," Claire answered, getting my drift and throwing herself back onto the bed. "Yet. I don't know why not - he's so _cute_. Girls are always looking at him and talking to him, and then they look down at me and do this fake smile. Sometimes they're like 'is that you're daughter?' - urgh."

"Aw," I said, remembering the one time I had such an experience with Jacob and how horrible it was. "But he doesn't talk back to them, does he?"

"Not when I'm there." She sounded so confused and I just wanted to hug her. I settled for touching her hand again. "But - he's got to some time, and - and if . . . if I was all grown up and the kind of pretty like you are . . ."

Then he could just choose her. Poor Claire.

They both had a long ride in ahead of them. Claire's wild puberty ride would be a little calmer than mine, but it would be a lot longer than a year.

"Claire, don't worry about any of that now," I said quietly. "You may still feel like just a kid, but you're Quil's best friend! And he loves you, and he would never do anything to hurt you."

"I know . . . "

"Here, come on, sit up," I urged her, placing my hand under her shoulder and helping her sit up. I moved around so I was on my knees in front of her. "Don't be in such a hurry to grow up, Claire. Okay?"

"I just . . . " Her brow furrowed and she bowed her head. I leaned in a little until her forehead rested on my shoulder. It was easy to wrap my arms around her then. "I just wanna be like you and Uncle Jake."

I made a fast decision about what did or did not constitute overstepping boundaries. Seth told me about the imprinting when it wasn't his place - and if he hadn't . . . who knows what would have happened with me and Jake? I knew now we would have gotten together eventually, but . . . it wouldn't have happened like this. I wouldn't be where I am now.

I wasn't going to go that far. Definitely not. But . . .

"I'm sure you will be." That was a promise a normal person would have no right to make - but as an imprint . . . "One day. "

"I know that . . . all of this isn't normal," she murmured into my shoulder, just letting her head rest there. It was very nice. We had hugged many times before, but this time felt different. "But is it that un-normal?"

I thought about it, the strange things Claire knew and pieced together, and all the other things that she had yet to find out. Werewolves and vampires and real life love at first sight.

"You'd be surprised how un-normal it can get," I told her, smoothing my hand over her hair. Soft and black and straight, just like Jacob's. I waited a few seconds. "Now . . . do you feel any better?"

"A little," she decided, and sat up on her knees to wrap her arms around my neck in a hug. She was higher up than me when she did that. "Please don't be mad at me for being a little jealous."

"I won't." How could I be? "Please don't be mad at me for growing super fast."

"I won't!" She laughed and sat up. "I think we have to go finish the food."

"I think you're right."

Jacob might actually come in and drag me out by the hair if we took too long - this was about the longest we'd been apart from one another since he'd been home without one of us being asleep. It was silly, since he was right outside, but I missed him. At least he was having fun.

We got up and went back into the kitchen together, where the noise of the men was much louder. Poor Natalie. She'd been quite literally left to the wolves. The eggs and potatoes were ready so I started making the potato salad while Claire poured the boxes of macaroni into the boiling water. By the time I was taking a last taste of the salad to make sure it was alright, Claire was draining the noodles.

She was stirring the cheese in when I remembered tea. I cursed to myself. We didn't have enough soda for everyone, not wolves who could down four cans a piece easy.

I sent Claire out with the macaroni while I set yet another pot to boil, for tea. I got everything else ready so all I would have to do was come back and pour the tea in and add water to the two large pitchers.

I checked my shirt - a cute, loose green top that Aunt Alice packed for me - for stains and fixed my hair up in a quick bun before I grabbed the massive bowl of potato salad with both hands and carried it outside.

The grill had been pulled off of the tiny porch and into the yard, I guess for ventilation, and Seth was manning it, pretending to slap at Natalie's hands when she reached to help. Embry was leaning against the wall of the house and Jacob and Quil were sitting in plastic chairs that looked like they were about to collapse under their weight. Claire was perched on the end of Quil's knee.

I looked over my shoulder to flash a smile at Jacob, who was watching me as I walked over to the grill. I set the potato salad next to the macaroni and cheese on the little wooden shelf sticking out from the side of it and looked the steaks over. All the blood was gone, and they smelled good.

"Almost done," Seth said, as I felt heat come in behind me. I could tell by the scent it wasn't Jacob, so I moved out of the way. It was Embry, asking after the meat. "Move out of the way, Embry."

"I'm hungry, damn it," he complained, from behind me, since I was already making my way back to Jacob. All five steps.

He smiled and leaned back further in his chair, stretching his legs in front of him. Jacob smiled, his slow, private smile even though there were people around us, and held his hand out for me. I walked to the side of his chair and he wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me between his legs.

I went, shyly, when he pulled me down into his lap. We hadn't done this in front of people, not since . . . everything was very different between us. We didn't usually do things like this in front of people.

I felt Jacob's breath against my neck, and then his hot fingers brushing the nape of it. I felt the smallest bit of tension at my hair line.

"You missed some," his voice murmured, and I felt myself blush as Jacob's fingers wrapped themselves around a strand of hair that had fallen from my bun. "That potato salad smells good."

"Thank you," I said, feeling my face heat up even though nobody was really paying us any attention. "Why do you only have two chairs out?"

"There are no more," Jacob murmured into my ear, making me hold in a shiver.

"Yes, there are," I corrected, remembering. "There's a stack of like five or six in the shed."

"Why?" Jacob asked, his eyes widening before they narrowed, shaking his head. A smirk played on his lips - he knew there were more chairs. "Why would you do that?"

"Just trying to be a good hostess," I said quietly back, smiling. "You're making poor Embry stand up."

"Who cares about - "

"Embry!" Claire's voice shouted, making me jump. "Gross! Get your fingers out of the food!"

"Damn it, Embry!" Quil boomed back, coming to his imprint's aid. "Oh - sorry, Claire."

Claire just turned a little pink. It bothered her that he censored himself. Probably made her feel childish.

"Seriously, man - nobody knows where your hands have been - keep them out of the food!"

"I'm - hungry!" He shouted back, breaking it up for our benefit. "Seth is trying to be Martha Stewart over here with these damn steaks!"

"Go _away_, Embry," Seth muttered, but Embry stayed hanging over him.

"Just make sure mine's not bleeding, that's all I want," Embry said, using his height to his advantage. Natalie stepped away to make room for the roughhousing now taking place in front of the grill. "You don't have to marinate it or serenade it or whatever the hell you're doing to it - "

"Go - _on_, Embry!"

They went back and forth for a few seconds before Jacob cleared his throat. Embry and Seth obviously didn't hear it, because they kept going.

"Embry!" Jacob's deep voice boomed out, scaring me enough to actually made me jump. Jacob's hands came up to sooth down my arms in apology. "Go make yourself useful and get some more fu - damn chairs from the shed."

It seemed like Jacob was censoring himself for Claire too. I understood, but Claire's cheeks only flushed darker. She leaned back into Quil's chest comfortably. It was nice to watch.

I jumped as I remembered the tea.

"What?" Jacob asked, startled. "I didn't even holler that time."

"No, no," I assured him, bringing my hands down to his wrapped around my waist so he would know to let me go. "I left something on the stove. I made tea."

"That's my girl," he murmured, just for me to hear, and let me up.

By the time I finished making the tea and brought it back out, Embry had dragged the extra chairs from the shed and wiped them off. Everybody except Seth was sitting down.

"Nessie," he called as he saw me coming out of the house. "You got any plates?"

"Oh! Of course."

I passed the tea off to Claire and rushed back for seven plates, forks and knives, wrapping my arms carefully around them to prevent any slipping. I took them out and passed them back off to Seth.

"All right, come and get it!" He called out, knocking the utensil he was using for flipping the steaks on the top of the grill. It made a clanging noise. "Embry, yours is done too, but it might have accidentally fell in the charcoal. My bad."

It was just getting dark, but the air was comfortable as we began to eat, our chairs arranged together in a sort of circle. I got my own chair this time, beside Jacob. Claire twisted her chair towards Quil's in an L-shape, so she could use his knees for a table.

Everyone complimented Natalie for the steak, which probably would have bothered Seth more if it wasn't his imprint getting the praise. They complimented me on the tea and the other food, and then Claire when I pointed out that she helped.

"You helped?" I heard Quil ask Claire quietly, and she nodded, mumbling something about just peeling potatoes. He took another giant bite. "That's why it tastes so good."

I watched her flush with pleasure and then turned my head away from them, towards Jacob, before I got caught staring. He ate and talked and joked at the same time, and it only took about three minutes of me fumbling with my plate and drink before I saw the wisdom in Claire's idea. Natalie seemed to be maneuvering all right on her own though, so I decided to try.

The food was good, especially the steak, which satisfied a craving for meat I hadn't realized I had. Probably because I hadn't had much of it for a while. I finished my plate, but didn't refill it like everyone else. Well, every non-human everyone else anyway.

I watched Jacob scoop up his last bit of macaroni, knowing he'd still be wanting more, and waited to see what he'd do. I set my plate down, just to free my hands up, and watched Jacob.

I had no problem fixing Jacob's plate - I usually did it at home, especially since he was injured. But I didn't know what Jacob wanted. I made it easy for him to ask, if he didn't feel like getting up in case his back was hurting him, but he didn't even turn my way.

He just stood up, plate in hand. Then he turned to me.

"You want more of anything, Ness?"

I wanted more of him. A hug and a kiss and then another kiss from him for being so beautiful and perfect and strong and healing so quickly, but I could get all of that later. Jacob was asking after food, and right now, I was stuffed.

"No thanks, Jake."

I think he could tell what I was thinking from the look in my eyes, because he rolled his and walked off - taking steady, measured steps - to the grill.

"That's some good macaroni and cheese, Claire," he called out to her as he refilled his plate with just that. My heart swelled and Claire smiled.

It was a really nice evening, and refreshing for Jacob, I know. We were very happy with each other, but it was fun to see other people too. I could still feel the heat from the grill when Quil announced that they had to go - a very sleepy Claire was lulling against his shoulder. He explained that she had to get up early tomorrow to accompany Emily to some children's art activity thing at the community center.

Seth decided it was time for him and Natalie to head out too, so that meant Embry had to go with them or Quil if he didn't want to go home wolf. Natalie offered to stay a little longer and help with dishes, but I waved her off. I'd have time to do them.

Quil slung a sleepy Claire up onto his back and she rested her head on his shoulder, making Embry start in on about why Seth didn't give Natalie back rides.

Jacob and I stood together in the yard, very much like a married couple, and waved until they were gone from sight. I smiled and stepped out from under Jacob's arm, surveying him standing tall and strong and never getting enough of it, as I started to stack up chairs. Seth was thoughtful enough to move the grill back into place, since I wouldn't have been able to do it on my own and Jacob didn't need to try.

"Let me - " Jacob started, but I didn't let him finish.

"Nope, Jacob, no helping," I told him simply, stacking the last three chairs and carrying them up to the little barely-there porch. I felt heat, Jacob's this time, following me. I turned around to face him, crossing my arms and smiling. "You've done enough today. Aren't you tired?"

"Exhausted," he admitted, but his smile told me he still felt good. Tired and in pain were two very different things. "But that just means I need to lay down - not go to sleep."

"Mm," I said, reaching out and tugging on the edge of his shirt. "Why don't we go lay down together then."

"You don't wanna wash dishes?" Jacob asked, a playful glint in his eye, but I saw it was actually an honest question. "I think I can stand long enough to help you out with that one."

Yes, I usually did like to do the dishes right away. Leaving them made them all sticky and gross, and who wanted that? Besides, with a wolf for a husband, dishes stockpiled if you didn't keep on top of them.

I didn't even think about it.

I stepped back, into the doorway, and pulled Jacob gently with me by his t-shirt.

"I can do them in the morning."

* * *

**Coming up:**

"You," he answered, his eyes already starting to darken.

Damn it. I wanted some Jake for breakfast too, but even now, against my own skin, I could feel my gift wide open. And there was no way I could make love to Jacob without touching him with my hands at all. I just needed a few minutes to clear my mind.

I pulled my hands from between my legs and braced them, completely flat, on the mattress. No wiggle room. And leaned down to brush my lips with Jacob's. His hand moved to the back of my thigh, trying to will me back over him, but I acted as though I didn't.

"You're not supposed to take medicine on an empty stomach," I joked, trying to avoid the subject, and kissing Jacob a thorough kiss good morning to make up for it. "So how about we get something to eat first?"

Jacob pulled back and looked at me, the slightest tinge of hurt in his expression. I had never denied him before, and now I'm sure he felt horrible about "pushing" me. Such was Jacob's guilt train.

"Okay."


	82. In Which There is Too Much Laundry

**_A/N:_** Hello, hello, lovelies! :) Some things before I start off - I had several, but can now only remember one. I've been interviewed! Yep. Me. It's on my friend's blog, so I'll post the link below for you to check out. I would too, because there's a hint as to the future of HoM. Yep, I'd read it, and comment! :D

Also, we are nearing the end of the story. I don't know how far or how long because I can never tell before I write it, all I know it what has to happen. Not how many words it'll take up. I promise I'll let you know as soon as I do. So please place me on author alert so you don't lose track! :D

Here's where you can find the interview, without spaces: **_help im obsessed with twilight fanfiction_********_(dot)blogspot(dot)com_**

There's so, so much more and now I can't remember any of it. Grr. Ah, well, there's always next time! Enjoy the chapter, enjoy theorizing, but mostly - enjoy reviewing! Kidding, but not about the enjoying part. Happy reading!

**_Disclaimer:_** I own nothing, and I'm so disappointed by how bland and boring these have become for me. Where did my umph go?

* * *

In Which There is Too Much Laundry to Speak of

* * *

_spinning on that dizzy edge  
i kissed his face and kissed his head  
and dreamed of all the different ways  
i had to make him glow_

_- katie melua, just like heaven_

-

I was surprised to wake up out of Jacob's arms.

I turned over in our warm bed, feeling the place where Jacob usually was vacant. I could hear from the running water that he was in the bathroom though, so I didn't worry. I rolled over into the warm place his body left and pressed my face into the pillow where his head had rested, trying to fill my head with his scent and basking on the glow of my dream.

It had been easily one the best dreams of my life. Just Jacob and I, in this bed, together. But my stomach was swollen, rounded out like Emily's had been, and Jacob's hot hand rested there. Then he slid down, not injured, perfectly healthy, and pressed a tender kiss there.

And suddenly, it was all I could think about.

Jacob with a baby in his arms, our baby. My baby, soft and dark-haired like Jacob, at my breast, suckling peacefully like I'd seen Dylan and Katie do so many times. Maybe laying back against Jacob's chest, between his legs, his huge hand reached around us to touch the baby's soft cheek.

And for the first time, I imagined past that. I imagined brushing a little girl's hair and watching Jacob toss her in the air like he'd done to me a thousand times, or wiping dirt from a little boy's nose and then sending him off to wrestle with his father in the living room.

A boy would look just like Jacob, I know it. Just like him . . . and probably act like him too. I could hardly take care of baby Dylan - what would I do with a naughty little boy? Jacob had made it clear he had been a mischievous child.

But what about a little girl? What would she be like? She would take from Jacob, pretty toffee skin and dark hair, but would she have from me too? Eyes, maybe? Her attitude? Would she want to bake cookies with me while her father and brother wrestled or would she want to join them?

I rolled over onto my back, my brain fogged up with images of things I'd never seen but wanted so bad it ached, just in time to see Jacob coming out of the bathroom. He was dressed in just his gym shorts like usual and his hair was down, but he'd ran water through it. A strand fell forward into his face.

I sat up, a little tiredly, and slid out of Jacob's place, kicking the covers out of the way. I moved into the center of the bed and sat back on my heels, watching Jacob's eyes watch me, as he settled back into bed.

"Morning, honey," he said with a deep exhale as he laid back onto his pillows. He rested one arm up above his head and reached the other out for me, his legs sprawled comfortably in front of him. "I'm sorry. I tried not to wake you up. You can lay back down now if you want; I'll be still."

I smiled and sidled a little closer, but didn't lay down into his side. My brain was still full of babies and Jacob holding them and me kissing them, and now on the baby that rested inside my own body. Jacob's baby.

I couldn't push the images out like I had been - they swarmed me, taking on every crevice and nook of my brain until there was no safe place to hide from them. Why was my head never safe from other people? My father could hear my every thought without effort, and now just a touch of my hand to Jacob and he would know everything I had kept from him.

I wouldn't let him know like this. I wouldn't.

"It's okay," I told him, sliding my hands between my thighs like I was cold, but it was truly just a precaution. "I need to get up and going anyway. What do you want for breakfast?"

Jacob gave the sexiest, still-kind-of-sleepy grin, and slid his hand up my thigh. His fingers slipped between them, until his knuckles brushed the back of my hand. I bit back a shiver so hard it was almost a convulsion.

"You," he answered, his eyes already starting to darken.

Damn it. I wanted some Jake for breakfast too, but even now, against my own skin, I could feel my gift wide open. And there was no way I could make love to Jacob without touching him with my hands at all. I just needed a few minutes to clear my mind.

I pulled my hands from between my legs and braced them, completely flat, on the mattress. No wiggle room. And leaned down to brush my lips with Jacob's. I felt his hand as it moved to the back of my thigh, trying to will me back over him, but I acted as though I didn't.

"You're not supposed to take medicine on an empty stomach," I joked, trying to avoid the subject, and giving Jacob a thorough kiss good morning to make up for it. "So how about we get something to eat first?"

Jacob pulled back and looked at me, the slightest tinge of hurt in his expression. I had never denied him before, and now I'm sure he felt horrible about "pushing" me. Such was Jacob's guilt train.

"Okay."

I leaned down and gave him an even better kiss.

"I need to build up some energy," I teased, hoping that would appease Jacob but not lead him into thinking I was exhausted. "A good breakfast would help with that."

"You're just itching to get to those dishes, neat freak," he teased back, and my heart lightened a bit. "Well, come on, let's hurry up and do them then so I can get you back in bed."

"Jacob Black," I said scandalously, one of my favorite (not so) new tactics, as I climbed off of my side of the bed and Jacob got himself up. "Is that all you think I'm good for?"

"Of course not," he said earnestly, seriously, making me look up from fixing some misplaced things on the dresser. I caught his expression in the mirror and immediately turned around to face him. He was behind me. "Nessie, _of course _not."

"I - I know that, Jacob," I assured him, moving to reach out to him with my hands until I realized there was no safe place for me to touch. He was shirtless. "I know that, honey, it was just a joke. I was only playing."

"I just want to make sure you know," he assured me, reaching for my hands. I evaded him, less than gracefully, and reached my arms up to thread through his hair. This wasn't lost on Jacob, his eyes told me. "Nessie Black . . . sex is just one of the . . . _amazing_ parts about life with you. It's just another way to show you how much I love you, but it's not anywhere close to everything. I . . . "

"How do you make me love you more than I already do?" Was all my mouth could say. My mind was reeling around him calling me Nessie Black.

"Ask yourself," he said, and I found myself subconsciously tilting my face up, asking for a kiss, before I realized Jake couldn't give it. At least not standing. "You do it to me every day."

My heart melted, leaving only my love and . . . and my guilt. I felt like I had been keeping this secret for years when it had been only days. It was insane, because I _knew_ I was doing the right thing, but it still weighed heavy on my shoulders.

The longest I had ever kept anything from Jacob was . . . well. When I kept . . . my love . . . from him. That whole situation that culminated on the night of Billy's death with one of the only fights we ever had and then then the most magical kiss of my life.

We had barely been home a week, but every fiber of my being ached to tell him. I wasn't meant to keep secrets from my other half. But Jacob was almost healed - he was almost completely better and then he could know.

I hadn't come this far to break down now. I might be wrong, but what if I wasn't? And I told him now and it stalled his healing? Or, like I was absolutely sure he would if I had told him earlier, freaked out and made us go back to the big house?

No. No, I wasn't taking the chance.

If - I wanted Jacob to be able to react freely when I told him. I wanted him to be able to pick me up and spin me if he wanted, and - even though I sincerely doubted this reaction - I wanted him to be able to get up and walk away if he wanted as well.

But I knew my Jacob would never do that.

I coerced Jacob into sitting down in the living room and letting me do the dishes by telling him to go ahead and watch the news while I was doing that since I didn't like to hear it.

I kissed him one more time, one hand on the sofa arm and the other on his clothed thigh, before I left to deal with the dirty kitchen. The aftermath of our barbeque was spread all across the counters, but it was surprisingly short work.

I was pouring the last of the pancake batter into the pan while the remaining pots soaked in the sink when Jacob cut the TV off. We ate together without much incident, except for the three times I had to avoid Jacob's hand when it reached for mine. I felt more and more horrible each time.

And even more horrible when Jacob's hand stopped reaching over altogether.

The phone rang, from the bedroom since I had the bad habit of leaving both phones in the same place, and Jacob said he'd go get it. I watched him push himself up with a sharp breath and then walk away, not standing up and gathering up the plates until he disappeared from sight.

I washed and put away our breakfast plate and glasses quickly, my thoughts floating off to myself, doing this exact chore sometime in the future. Except when I popped up onto my toes to see the couch in the living room, I wouldn't just see Jacob flipping through channels. I might see Jacob with a tiny bundle in his arms, or nodding off with a little baby resting on his chest.

God, why wouldn't these pictures go away?

Jacob kissing a little baby boy, noisily like he did with Katie, and rocking him in his arms. Chasing a little girl across the floor on all fours while she screamed with delight, playing "wolf".

Goodness. I shook my head like that would shake the image out and dried my hands. My connection was closed now, but barely. Any slip of my thoughts, any second not spent in complete, full concentration could let Jacob in on everything.

I knew he would be wanting to . . . spend some time with me how that breakfast was over. And judging my the tightening in my stomach at just the thought, I really wanted to spend some time with him too. But I couldn't yet.

Why was it so hard now?

I thought about this all the way back to the bedroom, where I could still hear Jacob's deep voice, speaking quietly to someone on the phone.

"Yeah . . . all the way. Well, going to the side still hurts . . . and bending when I'm standing, but yeah. All they way, I swear. You can ask Ness." I ashamedly slowed my steps to hear, even though I knew Jacob probably didn't mind if I listened. Who was he talking to? "I - I feel like I can. And I _should_. It's . . . it's been a good two weeks . . . "

There was silence as Jacob listened to the person on the other line.

"Okay!" The happy exclamation turned into a laugh. "All right then - and can I drive myself since I'm almost fully operative? All right, thanks! God, I can't wait to tell Nessie. See you tomorrow, Doc."

There was a click as Jacob set the phone down. But still, I just stood.

"Ness? You wanna go ahead and come in now?"

My face flamed hot. Of course. Caught out.

I stepped shyly into the bedroom so see Jacob reclining back on my side of the bed. The phone was on the table beside him, and he was grinning.

"Sorry," I mumbled, feeling bad for eavesdropping. Jacob wouldn't have cared if I heard his conversation, and if he did I shouldn't have been listening. Jacob beckoned me and I went, walking closer to the bed. "I didn't mean to . . ."

"I don't care if you were listening, honey," he said, his grin evident and his eyes sparkling. I wasn't sure what had gotten into him. "I don't have anything to hide - Ness, guess who that was?"

I took a second to gather all the information I'd heard. Then I remembered what Jacob said at the end of the conversation, answering my questions for me. "Grandpa Carlisle?"

"That's right," Jacob said, reaching out and tugging on the front of my cotton house dress. More revealing than I would have chosen for myself, but one of the more casual items in my Alice wardrobe. "And know what he told me?"

Well, it had to be good or else Jacob wouldn't have been grinning so wide. But I was drawing a blank. I just shook my head. Jacob drew himself up playfully and squared him shoulders like he was preparing to make an announcement.

"I have an appointment with Dr. Carlisle Cullen tomorrow afternoon," he said, before relaxing his shoulders and his face back to his normal grin. "Him and Edward are gonna check me out, and if they say I'm all right, I can try to phase."

Grandpa had said that Jacob and Seth couldn't attempt to phase until they were fully healed. So that meant . . .

"Are you - are you serious?" I heard my voice asked, hardly daring to believe it.

"As a heart attack," he cracked, and then paused to think. "Or, well. More like a broken back."

I couldn't - could it be true? That meant it was almost over! That - I was days . . . no, _a_ day from no longer having to keep my secret. And more than that, Jacob was almost _healed_.

That was news that couldn't go without a hug, gift be damned. I threw myself at Jacob, wrapping my arms around his strong, hot back with my fists clutched tight. Jacob's arms moved to encircle me and we both breathed deep.

"That's so good, Jacob," I said into what was nearly the base of his neck, pressing my face into his hair and inhaling deep. "That's so, so good."

"It is," he agreed, pressing his face into my neck. His hot breath tickled in that way that didn't make me laugh. "Are you happy?"

"I am."

Jacob's face tilted and his lips parted, and the next thing I felt was a hot kiss on my neck. I stayed frozen, hands still in fists, as Jacob's arm moved higher up my waist. His lips kept kissing, intimately, his face shielded by my hair. He knew every sensitive place, every tender spot. His mouth was amazing.

Jacob's free hand crept a little higher on my side, squeezing temptingly. When he opened his mouth to speak, I felt the extra rush of moist, hot breath.

"Wanna celebrate?"

I did. I did want to celebrate. Very, very much.

And I _couldn't_.

Damn it. Damn it, damn it, damn it!

I didn't want to have to break away, but I . . .I couldn't yet. I just needed a little more time, some more distraction. Then I could celebrate with Jacob. Just . . . God. How was I supposed to do this now? Rejecting him once was hard enough.

"I do," I said, truthfully enough. God knows I did. "But . . . Jacob, I . . . I need to put a load of laundry on first."

"Fuck laundry," he muttered roughly, only making my situation that much harder. His teeth scraped lightly across my neck and he held me tighter.

"No . . Jacob," I forced out, feeling near tears. God, this was all so horrible. I took my hands off Jacob's back and unclenched my fists to thread my fingers through his hair."We . . . I . . . "

His head pulled back from kissing my neck. Back, to kiss my lips. His face was so beautiful.

His lips were dizzying and I could _feel_ his passion, his joy and pride and finally being almost healed, and I didn't want to bring him down from that high. His kisses were amazing. I forced myself to tighten my fingers in his hair.

"Jake . . . come on now, we're not . . . gonna have . . . clothes if we don't . . . " I accepted another strong kiss and then braced myself. "Jacob."

With an disappointed sound that started and ended in his throat, Jacob stopped.

He left my lips, letting his head hang. His arm around my waist loosened.

"You have to do laundry?" He asked, his face hidden from me by his hair.

"It won't take long," I promised, soothing my hand over the top of his hair since it was one of the only safe places. "It's - I haven't done any lately, and it's been piling up. If you want clothes to wear . . . "

"I really don't," he said honestly, lifting his head to look up at me. I felt like such a bitch.

"Well, _I_ do, even though I know you have strong feelings on the subject." I fisted my hands so I could wrap them around his neck again, and kissed his lax, disappointed lips. "I'll hurry, Jake, okay?"

"No, I'm sorry if I'm keeping you from stuff," he said, leaning in and kissing me softly again. A parting kiss. "Do your laundry."

I crawled from his lap carefully, my legs feeling kinda wobbly, and started gathering up laundry to go with my alibi. Or lie. I started focusing on how exactly mine and Jacob's celebration would go down. I played it out in my head, really only working myself up, but it helped to rush out baby thoughts.

Jacob's hands running up my ribcage . . . Jacob pulling my panties down my legs . . . kissing down Jacob's chest . . . Jacob laying tender kisses across the swell of my stomach - no.

No.

Jacob, tall and strong and healed, like he would be very soon now, kneeling behind me. Sliding my skirt up my legs like that man in the movie from California. The first one I ever saw in the theater. Jacob sliding my bra straps down my arms with his teeth. Jacob on top of me, me on my stomach, my cheek pressed to the sheets as he kissed down . . .

Okay. Whew. Better stop with that before Jacob smelled me and wondered what the hell was up. I run away from his kisses to get all worked up picking up laundry? That would be one to explain.

I gathered the clothes from the hamper in the bathroom as well as the ones lying in the floor or hanging over things in the bedroom, and tossed them in. Jacob's washer was small, but it still wasn't enough to fill it halfway.

To be honest, there wasn't a lot of laundry. Mostly my panties and a few pairs of Jacob's shorts. A few t-shirts of mine and maybe a pair of my sleeping shorts. We'd only been home a week and had forgone clothes a lot of the time.

I always felt bad about running the washer with hardly any clothes in it even though Jacob did it all the time. It felt like waste, so I always found it a little odd that Jacob didn't care more, since he had such strong views on waste. Maybe water wasn't tasty enough. I almost giggled at the thought.

"What's so funny?" Jacob asked.

"Nothing," I said, shaking my head since it was silly and explaining it would only be a long and confusing affair.

I scanned the room for more clothes, my eye falling to Jacob's t-shirt from last night, lying discarded in the center of the bed. There might be some pieces of clothes here and there in the living room too, come to think. I'd have to check. Anything helps, right?

I knew Jacob felt like I didn't want to to love on him, but that wasn't the case. He just didn't know the full story, and I couldn't tell him. Not yet. I felt so bad.

I leaned over Jacob's lap, even though that made me have to stretch much further that I normally would have, to reach it. I knew he liked the sight, and it was fun to tease him. Besides, I wanted him to know that I wasn't angry.

The shirt was just millimeters out of my reach when I felt Jacob's hot hand slide up the back of my thigh. It was mostly bare, since the dress was so short, barely covering my backside when I was this bent over. His hand lifted the smallest bit to slide over the fabric when he got to it, up over my ass.

He gave my backside a firm squeeze and I bit back a moan. I still couldn't reach the damn shirt.

"What're you doing?" His deep voice asked, chuckling slightly. "Teasing me again?"

"No!" I said, thrusting my body forward a little to try and reach the shirt, but it evaded me. "I'm trying to reach this - shirt . . . there's not enough clothes to make a full load."

It wasn't when Jacob's body stiffened, or when his hand rubbing along my bottom stopped. It was when his other arm came down to my waist, wrapping around my lower back to hold me there that the full realization of what I had just said sunk in.

Jacob's fingers, the ones around my waist, tightened, and I waited with bated breath.

"Nessie," his voice said, careful and deep. "If we had laundry piled up, why don't you have enough for a load?"

* * *

**Coming up:**

I could only lay there, silent. Frozen.

"Nessie?" He prompted again, and still I couldn't respond. I couldn't tell more lies, but I couldn't come clean like this. When I didn't answer, Jake smacked my backside. Not hard, but not light either. "I'm talking to you."

I swallowed a tennis ball-sized lump in my throat as my mind whirred at a million miles an hour. I don't know how much time passed - it felt like hours, but must have been only second - before Jacob smacked me again.


	83. In Which There is Stinging and Soothing

**_A/N:_** Okay, here's the very next chapter, and I'm gonna cut right to the chase: **I don't expect all of you to like this**. I do think though that it's not too much to ask that you remain respectful - different strokes for different folks. This has all been planned for awhile, and I think it's in fitting with both of their characters. Although, you girls may surprise me - there were several things I thought you'd all react adversely to that you ended up loving.

So yes. Also, just for the few of you who've wondered aloud - no, I'm not stalling. I know exactly what needs to happen before the end happens. I was hoping to be finished writing by this update, so I could give you all a number, but sadly, I haven't. I'm gonna throw it out here and ballpark, which I don't like to do but I'm fairly confident this time - it will be less than **90 chapters**. Yes, the end is near, and I'm so sad!

So anyway, I'll get you a real number as soon as I know. And please, please put me on author alert so we can keep up with each other!

I love you girls so much! Happy reading!

**_Disclaimer:_** I own nothing. Once again, Katie did titles. I've gotten so lazy. :(

* * *

In Which There is Shame, Stinging, and Soothing

* * *

_don't wipe away my tears so quickly  
do you even know if they're happy or sad?  
maybe i need to let them fall  
clean me out and wash me down_

_- kina grannis, too soon_

-

I could only lay there, silent. Frozen.

"Nessie?" He prompted again, and still I couldn't respond. I couldn't tell more lies, but I couldn't come clean like this. When I didn't answer, Jake smacked my backside. Not hard, but not light either. "I'm talking to you."

I swallowed a tennis ball-sized lump in my throat as my mind whirred at a million miles an hour. I don't know how much time passed - it felt like hours, but must have been only seconds - before Jacob smacked me again.

"So . . ." Jacob's voice was stern in a way I'd only heard it a few times before. His hand slid lower on my backside, down to my thighs, as I struggled to swallow my rapidly pounding heart. "You're hungry, but just pick at breakfast . . . "

My heart fluttered, if it was possible, even faster. I hadn't even thought of that.

Jacob's hand slid back up, over my bottom, but he pulled the material of my dress with it. I heard my breathing accelerate.

"And then you have to do laundry because we're out of clothes, but you don't have enough to make a load." I was completely and utterly speechless. "You wanna tell me why that is?"

Still, I didn't answer. What would I say?

Was there any way I could just close my eyes and will this all away?

Jacob's hand smacked down on my backside again, over my panties, and it was _not_ light. No, Jacob wasn't going to let me will it away.

"Nessie?"

Why wasn't I talking? Saying something - anything? Just - apologizing and . . . but my throat was frozen.

Jacob's voice sighed, a disappointed sound, at my silence. I flinched against another smack.

What would happen? Jacob was obviously angry that I had not told him the complete truth, but what would he do? Would he be angry with me? Like actually, spend a number of days upset with me? He'd never done that before. I didn't think I could stand it.

Jacob . . . mad at me. God, this was all my own fault.

Jacob's hand came down again, harder than before, and I jumped. My panties didn't offer much protection against Jacob's hand. Another smack followed it quickly and my mouth made a small noise - the smacks always stung, but now they were starting to _sting_.

How long would this go on? Until I spoke?

"You've never been spanked before, have you, Nessie?" Spanked. This word unlocked a small array of images in my mind, things snatched from childhood cartoons and other random places. My stomach tightened in trepidation, and fear. "I mean, of course you haven't . . . nobody in that house would dare lay a finger on you. And I'd have killed them if they tried."

What - what was Jacob talking about? Did . . . was he going to . . . ?

Jacob's hand slid up, soothing over the flesh he'd smacked, to the waistband of my panties. His fingers slid under them, and my stomach seized up in nerves as I felt him begin to tug them down.

I wriggled against his arm, my hand reached back behind me. I found my voice.

"Jacob - I - "

Jacob's strong hand easily evaded mind and he pulled my panties down, nearly to my knees. Jacob had seen every part on my body a dozen times, but now I felt exposed. And ashamed.

Jacob landed another smack to my backside, and I gasped out loud. Not only at the suddenness of it. I had underestimated the amount of cover that panties gave. Against my bare skin, the sting was more prominent.

"Jacob . . ."

"Now you want to talk to me?" Jacob's voice asked roughly, the anger and hurt there hurting my heart more than the next sharp smack hurt my backside. "Well, now _I_ don't feel like talking. Hush unless you've got something important to say to me."

I fell silent.

I couldn't . . . I couldn't say the most important thing, and there was nothing I could do to rationalize myself. I refused to tell Jacob about his future child while I was bent over his lap. This was . . . God, I felt so horrible. I had hurt him, I really had.

I was . . . so ashamed, and a - a little scared, but I wouldn't fight Jacob. How could I? He was my husband and I had made him feel so bad. So now he was going to . . . spank me. Like a child.

I drew my arms back around, towards my face, and buried my head in them. I _wouldn't_ cry. It hardly even hurt.

Jacob's hand . . . spanked down again, on my bare skin, harder than all the others. I bit my lip on a whine.

Correction: yet.

It hardly even hurt yet. And Jacob didn't look like he intended to stop any time soon.

The only sound in the room as Jacob laid three more sharp smacks, was the sound of his skin making contact with my backside and my sharp intakes of breath. I had never felt more . . . ashamed or contrite.

"Do you remember the last time we were in your room together, Nessie?" Jacob's voice asked suddenly, taking a welcome pause to rub his hand over my bottom.

I thought back, trying to remember the last time Jacob had been in my bedroom. At home, he meant, I assumed. I did remember, and only felt more horrible.

I nodded into my arms, shame once again not making my voice want to come.

Jacob spanked me again, sharply.

"Yes," I murmured, half-forced, half-whisper at the prompt. His hand went back to rubbing. "Yes, Jacob."

Two more spanks, one on each side that made me bite my lip and hold back tears, before he went back to caressing. I felt my hips arch back, just the smallest bit, trying to urge his semi-gentle touch compared with his rough and punishing one.

After the spank, the rubbing still hurt, but it felt better than the pain it brought. Another one of those things.

Jacob's hand hand lifted and spanked down again, lower this time, into the place where my bottom met my thighs. My arching made this area . . . more open. And it was tender - I let out a small noise.

Jacob made an almost silent 'sh' in returned and spanked there again.

I felt tension melt from my stomach as Jacob removed his arm from my waist. But it was only to get a better grip as he used his other hand to cup the back of my thigh.

"Go up further on the bed, Nessie," Jacob commanded, his body urging me in the direction he wanted me to go. I stayed stationary, more from shock than any desire to disobey Jacob, and that earned me a light smack on the thigh. "Don't make me spank your thighs, Ness, it hurts worse there."

Worse? I hurried to slide up on the bed.

Jacob situated me easily, the new position making that . . . tender area, there place where I sat down, much more open than before. That was why he moved me.

This was only confirmed when it was the next place Jacob spanked.

"Yeah . . . okay, you remember," he said, sliding his hand across that tender area, very close to . . .other tender areas. He spanked again. "Do you happen to remember making me a promise?"

Oh, God. Yes, yes, I did.

"Yes," my voice murmured, barely audible. I don't know why I bothered muttering it like that because it only earned me another smack. I cleared my throat. "Yes, Jacob . . . "

"So you remember that too," he said, taking back up his caressing. That was nice, tenderness to balance out the harshness. It also felt nice in a . . . different way, a way that had nothing to do with comfort. "Did you forget what it was about? Or did you just decide it didn't matter?"

Shame welled up in me, higher and harder and stronger than before. I didn't answer, and Jacob spanked again. Then again. And again.

He didn't prompt me to answer him, but he kept up his punishment. Slow, steady, hard smacks on my bottom that was already sore. It wasn't five smacks later that the tears finally broke loose.

I had so many emotions inside of me, I couldn't even begin to deal with them all. There was shame and pain, the most obvious. Then contriteness next. Anger, with myself, for hurting him. For causing him to have to do this at all. And love too, of course, always love. Love that Jacob loved me so much, love that he even cared.

But then . . . the most confusing emotion at all. With each smack and most definitely the almost-tender caresses in between, a different kind of tightness mounted in my stomach.

I'd always . . . liked when Jacob smacked me, but this was different. I shouldn't be feeling this now - I should be thinking about what I'd done. I should be thinking about how I hurt my husband - and I was.

But with every spank, came a small new burst of lust. Along with a rush of shame and . . . pain.

It was the most confusing thing ever. It hurt, and I wanted it to stop, but I still found myself arching back, towards Jacob's hand.

I tried to cry, half from shame and half from the actual spanking itself, as silently as I could. I was not trying to make Jacob feel guilty. But as he continued, laying even smacks that seemed to favor that tender place where my backside went into my thighs, and not speaking, the more horrible and confused I felt.

How long would Jacob be angry with me? The silence, that had to have been less than two minutes, stretched until it felt like hours. Jacob laid a particularly harsh smack and I jumped in surprise, biting my lip to keep the sound in.

"I'm your husband, Renesmee," he said suddenly, the use of my full name surprising me and . . . hurting my feelings a little, for some reason. "I fucking love you. And I respect you."

Jacob smacked me at the end of each sentence, and my body wriggled of it's own volition, half trying to get away and half hoping I didn't. Jacob's arm around my waist held me tighter and he spanked me again, roughly. Again, I bit my lip, wiping my tears furiously on my arms.

"I _never_ lie to you." I was unable to hold in the small sound my mouth made at the next smack. I stifled a small sob, at Jacob's words and not the soreness. "I'm always - straight with you. You promised me - you would always talk to me."

It only took one more smack to make me sob out loud. Quietly, but out loud. He was right. Oh, however horrible I must be feeling, Jacob must feel doubly worse.

"I'm your husband," he said roughly, forcefully, in his Alpha voice. And smacked me again. My stomach clenched, in pain and lust and shame. "You have to trust me. You have to be _honest_ with me."

Jacob paused again, and sighed. It was frustrated sound, much more masculine than my sighs. I shifted uncomfortably and Jacob's arm around my waist held tighter.

"Do you know . . . do you know how fucking . . . _sick_ to my stomach you made me feel?" Sick? I made Jacob _sick_? Jacob smacked again, but that had nothing to do with the fresh tears. "Do you? Do you know now all I can sit here and think about is . . . how many times I made love to you while you . . . were just wishing it was over and done with?"

"No!" It was the strongest my voice has been since this started, but still sounding weak. I tried to turn, to catch a glimpse of Jacob's face, but I couldn't . . . "Jacob . . . "

"How many times, Nessie?" Jacob demanded, spanking again and then sliding his hand down, down to my upper thighs and then back up again. "How many times did you have sex with me without wanting it? How many times did you lie?"

"Never," I gasped into my arms, trying to fight the crying out of my voice. To find my voice at all. "Never . . . Jacob, I swear. I . . always want you. Even - even . . . now."

"Now?" Jacob's voice asked, skeptical but still authoritative. Another smack. "Are you enjoying this, Nessie?"

Surely . . . didn't Jacob smell it a long time ago? Or did he think I was lying that way too? Lying with my body. Was that even possible?

I could tell, from Jacob's voice, that I wasn't supposed to be. Which I knew, but hearing it only confirmed it all inside my mind.

"I'm sorry," was all I could murmur, still feeling my traitorous body arch outward. I wanted to full-out sob, but I didn't want to make Jacob feel even worse. Some still got out. "Jacob, I . . . I'm just so - ah. Sorry. Please."

I was sorry for lying and for enjoying this and all the rest of it, but I didn't know what I was asking please for. As Jacob smoothed the place he smacked once more, I murmured a few more desperate, choked-up apologies. I braced my mouth on my arms to keep the cries in.

"Please what?" He asked, sliding his hand down over the back of my thighs. His thumb snuck between them, brushing over the sensitive skin there tantalizingly. My inner thigh.

Then his hand left, and I felt my body arching after it. Jacob made a sound that I thought was a low groan, but I was sure I must have been wrong. Until Jacob's arm around my waist tightened, pulling me bluntly back into place. And against his . . . hardness.

I gasped at the shock of another spank.

"I said, please _what_, Nessie?"

I couldn't say it. I had only just gotten used to talking to Jacob like this in normal circumstances, I couldn't like this. So exposed and vulnerable . . . I had no right to ask Jacob for anything, especially now.

"Please," my mouth said again anyway.

Jacob's fingers slid down to the place that had received the most attention from his hand, where my thighs began to swell outward. They ran back and forth, almost teasing.

"My instincts are apparently for shit, Nessie," he said, applying more pressure to his touches that felt good despite the slight soreness. "I can't tell when you want it and when you don't. Ask me for what you want."

"No . . . Jacob, no," I murmured, taking a second to catch my breath and attempt to control my emotions. I couldn't let him think that. "You always know, I - I always . . . want you. Don't . . . please, don't."

Jacob's fingers, two of them, slipped back between my thighs, brushing only inches away from where I wanted him most. Never touching.

"I still want to hear you say it."

That was fair. It was more than fair.

And although I felt like I was sacrificing my dignity, I had already sacrificed Jacob's. I made him feel sick, like less of a man. Like he had taken advantage of me, coerced me into sex with him that I didn't want. I'd made him overlook all the obvious signs, all the times I'd initiated things with him, crawling on him fresh from sleep.

I'd made him disregard logic, obvious evidence. I'd made him feel _horrible_.

Wasn't it a testament that he even cared?

"I want you . . . to touch me," I murmured, Jacob's fingers carefully eluding my arching hips. "Jacob, please . . . if - if you want . . . please touch me."

Jacob's fingers slid themselves back between my thighs, but this time, they didn't stop. I let my thighs fall apart a little more and then Jacob's fingers were there, teasing me. My body arched back, but then Jacob's fingers did too.

He smacked me, but more lightly this time, more like before when we were playing around. It still hurt the smallest bit, but it intensified my lust as well. His fingers went back to teasing and I realized there would be no rushing him.

I squirmed and Jacob's arm loosened from around my waist, the palm of that hand that had been wrapped around my stomach sliding down to sooth over my backside.

The fingers of the hand between my legs slid a little deeper, still avoiding the place I wanted to be touched the most. Then the hand on my bottom lifted, his wrist staying rested against my skin, and popped back down. Hardly a tap.

At the same time his fingers pressed into my favorite place.

I gasped and writhed over his legs, but the forearm of his left arm held me secure. Against my side, I felt Jacob grow harder. I didn't want to tease, so I tried my best to stay still.

"Again," I heard my mouth murmur quietly, amazing that I dared even ask for anything. "A-again, Jacob?"

"What?"

"Sp - you can still . . . "

Jacob did the half-popping thing again, but then soothed his hand over the entire surface of my behind. He was sweet not to make me finish. I wasn't sure if I could ask Jacob out loud to keep spanking me.

"No, mama," he said quietly, still intense, but much . . . softer than before. "That's enough."

I was surprised to be disappointed, but I wasn't about to argue.

Jacob's left hand didn't smack me again. It mostly rested above my tailbone, but occasionally reached down to rub over my backside. His right hand teased between my legs for a long time.

He kept me on the edge, right on the brink of something mind-blowing. I wasn't sure how long I was over his legs like that. All I knew was at some point I started crying again.

My body and my heart were desperate. Jacob was steel against my side - I wanted to help him too, but I would stay until Jacob was done with me. I would earn my forgiveness.

Finally, Jacob withdrew his middle finger from my body and pressed two of them against my favorite place, finding an _amazing_ rhythm. Finally letting me begin to climb.

"Oh!"

"Do you trust me?" Jacob's voice questioned, rough again. His fingers picked up pace, the smallest bit.

"Yes," I promised through tears and mind-fogging pleasure. "Yes, Jacob, I swear . . ."

"You ever gonna lie to me again?"

"No," my voice choked. "No, never . . . I'm so sorry, Jacob . . . so . . . "

"All right," Jacob said, in a voice different from anything he'd said since I'd gone over his knees. "All right, baby . . . good girl. Come on, now, let go for me . . . it's all right . . ."

"I'm sorry," I murmured again, my sobs picking up as the pleasure started to peak.

"I know," he soothed, his left hand sliding down to my hip, holding them stationary so he could touch me more firmly. "I know, honey. It's okay."

I fell, crying and gasping and clutching the sheets, over the edge. Jacob's fingers coaxed me along, It was too much emotion and sensation in one place, so many things conflicting.

Jacob helped me float down, and I finally collapsed against his legs, boneless. His fingers left my body when I was too sensitive, and I just laid there, still crying, unsure if I could move. If I was physically capable of the action.

I tried to muffle it with my arms, but the crying only picked up when I felt Jacob's hands near my knees, sliding my panties back up. I gasped at the soreness as he pulled them, very tenderly, up over my backside.

One hand made a soothing circuit down my back while the other brushed over my bottom.

"Sit up for me, Ness," he finally said quietly, breaking the silence.

I obeyed him the best I could, my joints feeling a little weak. It was hard to push myself back up, but Jacob's hands helped me. His large, strong, hot, powerful hands. He turned me around and guided me carefully onto his lap.

I feasted on his face like a deserted man on a mirage, beautiful and strong. His eyes intense, but not angry. I yelped in surprise as my backside made contact with Jacob's thighs, and bit my lip on more sounds as my weight settled down.

My face immediately went to Jacob's neck. I buried it there and wound my arms around his shoulders, holding him tight. One of his strong arms encircled me, the other reaching under to cup my backside with his hand, between my body and his legs.

"I love you, Nessie," he said quietly.

"L-love you _too_, Jacob," I stuttered eloquently back. "I'm - I'm _sorry_ . . ."

"Shh," he said soothingly, his cheek nuzzling mine. "Look at me."

I did, blinking rapidly to dispel tears so I could see him better. His hand left my backside to come up and wipe tears from each of my eyes. His gaze searched mine for a long moment.

"Are you hurt?" He asked, to which I furiously shook my head. I was sore, but I wasn't hurt. "No? You sure?"

"It's . . . s-sore," I admitted quietly, avoiding his eyes. "But I'm okay, Jake . . . "

"All right," he said, his face serious but kind, and he bit the inside of his lip. "Can I have a kiss?"

I nodded, surprised he even felt he needed to ask, and tilted my head back, parting my lips for him. He leaned in and, tentatively for some reason, I closed the space, pressing our lips together.

It was soft and quiet and very, very intimate.

Jacob pulled back and searched my eyes before he pull me into his body, and just like that, the tears started up again.

"I'm really s-sorry . . . I am," I murmured into his neck, shifting and flinching.

"I know you are," he returned, kindly, pillowing his cheek against my hair.

I melted into him. I felt cleaned out. Like Jacob had washed me out of all the bad feelings I'd been holding inside, even though I wasn't sure if that was his intention. Jacob always bent over backwards to make sure I didn't feel the least bit rejected or uncomfortable, and I had to do the same for him. I _never_ meant to reject him.

Soon, he would know that.

But for now, I leaned into his body and soaked in the forgiveness.

I shifted my head a little so my lips instead of my forehead was resting against Jacob's neck.

"Th-thank you," I whispered, feeling my face heat, but saying it anyway. Jacob deserved to know. "For that."

Jacob nodded, and kissed my hair.

"Are you tired?" I was. I hadn't been up an hour, but I was suddenly very tired. I nodded into his skin. "Okay, let's lay down."

I slid, a little sadly, out of Jacob's lap so he could shift himself down onto his back. He reached for me and I made to crawl into his side, but he took my arm and guided me so I was laying over his chest. The top of my body resting on his torso, and and my legs resting on the bed between his.

"Is that comfortable for you?" He asked, and I nodded.

The extra body-to-body contact was nice. Then Jacob's hands slid down my hips and over my backside, pulling the skirt back up over my hips again. I tensed at first since I was a little sore, but relaxed as he gently began to sooth his hands over my bottom.

I was touched.

"Does that . . . does that hurt you?" He asked sweetly a second later. "I thought it might help."

"It does," I assured him, sliding up higher on his chest so I could rest my face in his neck and he could reach easier. The movement brought a twinge of soreness, but Jacob's hands were helping. "It's nice. It feels . . . better than it hurts."

"Okay," he decided, one of his hands leaving my backside to wrap around my waist, but the other kept going. It was soothing and helped take some of the sting out. I felt my eyelids drooping. "I love you, Nessie."

"I love you too, Jacob."

My body on top of Jacob's, our baby - my very last secret - resting safely between us, I slept.

* * *

**Coming up:**

"Ah," he said, smiling as he took in the clothes on the bed. "I forgot you like the wife-beaters."

"Yeah," I said, appreciatively watching a few drops of water slide down to Jacob's stomach. He must have left his shirt in the bathroom. "You have nice arms."

"Nice?" He questioned, pretending to be cocky, and flexed his arms for me. "Baby, don't act like you don't want tickets to this gun show."

I laughed and sat down on the bed beside Jacob's clothes, and Jacob came to stand in front of me.

"This shirt is my ticket, _baby_," I teased back, reaching up to put my hands on Jacob's hips. "I get to see your guns wherever we go."

Jacob grinned down at me and stepped back.

"You're about to see a lot more than that," he said, winking, his hands coming down to the waistband of his shorts.


	84. In Which There is Something Borrowed

**_A/N:_** All right, settle in, girl, because this is gonna be a long one. A lot of information. I'm going to start in regards to **last chapter**. A lot of you liked it, a lot didn't. I'd say about half and half, but I haven't exactly had time to do a tally.

I knew people wouldn't be crazy about the chapter, but a lot of people took it way out of proportion and I think that was due mainly to misunderstanding. The spanking between Jake and Nessie in the last chapter was _**consensual**_, one hundred percent. Nessie could have told him to stop at any time, and he would have. She chose not to. The thing about imprints, they're always what the other needs. Jacob reacted that way because Nessie needed him to, whether either of them consciously knew it. It helped Nessie exorcise the guilt she was feeling - there are a lot of people who find that kind of thing useful. As her imprint, Jacob's instincts would be honed towards what Nessie needed. If she had felt so abused, she wouldn't have been aroused by it and she definitely wouldn't have thanked him or asked him to continue.

There was also one reviewer was under the misunderstanding that Jacob spanked Nessie for refusing him sex - that is _not _the case. The reason he was upset was because he thought she had been forcing herself to have sex with him when she didn't want to, and he felt he had been taking advantage of her.

I received reviews from several reviewers who were victims of abuse - for your sufferings, I am sorry. But I feel as though their personal sufferings may have colored their ability to see what happened between Jake and Nessie for what it was - a consensual act between two adults that both parties benefited from. I understand having suffered horrible, nonconsensual things in the past would make understanding certain things, like willingness to give up control, the way someone who hadn't had that power taken from them before might.

There were some who weren't respectful and called me disgusting - some suggested I was promoting abuse, or that _I_ was in an abusive relationship. I assure anyone who may be worried, this is _not _the case. A lot of people also asked whether Jacob would be an "abusive" father. I wonder why the same people didn't pitch a fit about the hairbrush conversation a few chapters back, in that case. I expected several and got none.

Moving on, others said I might have done it to add "drama", which also is untrue. It was planned for months, and only now did it reach its place in the story line. I stand by what I wrote completely - I will not apologize for writing it. There are many more fics about people who do much less "understandable" things, but as long as they're consenting adults, it shouldn't matter. You may not enjoy it, and that's your right.

I _do not_ promote abuse or violence against women. If you think I _glamorized _"abuse" in anyway, I believe you are mistaken. If you or anyone you know is in an abusive relationship, then you should seek help at school or with your local authorities. I'm sure there are many hotlines that could be accessed with a simple internet search, which I'm sure you have access to if you're reading this story.

To those of you who disliked the last chapter and remained respectful, thank you. To the few of you who did not and _demanded _I delete, rewrite, or apologize for this chapter - I'm sorry. At the risk of being "rude", it's my story and I'll write it how I want. I stand by every word.

Now, moving on, and I really hope you're still with me because there are a lot of announcements in this chapter. The first, after that long explanation, is that I can now announce to you the length of _Hands on Me_. I truly wanted to be able to announce sooner, but life didn't allow that. I'm currently writing the last chapter. **There will be 86 chapters**. I realize this isn't a lot of notice, and I'm sorry. Another announcement will be made in what I'm sure will be the monster A/N of the last chapter.

The next is that _Undeniable_ will be going on hiatus until the completion of _Hands on Me_, to give me time to focus on my writing. It will be back soon, I promise you.

If you made it this far, extra cookies and hearts for you. Peace and love, ladies. Happy reading.

**_Disclaimer:_** I don't own it. I don't think my monster A/N leaves room for much else besides that. :)

* * *

In Which There is Something Old, Borrowed, and Blue

* * *

_the sound of water makes her dream  
awoken by a cloud of steam  
she pours a daydream in a cup  
a spoon of sugar sweetens up_

_- oren lavie, her morning elegance_

-

The next morning was spent in a jittery kind of excitement. Jacob was excited too, although he tried not to show it. I helped him stretch, which he did easier than all the times before, my gift under better control this morning. Still perilous, but controllable.

Hopefully, that soon wouldn't matter.

There was no awkwardness between us and I actually felt much, much better. Especially in light of Jacob's appointment this afternoon. There was only one problem.

I couldn't go.

Daddy would be there and Momma was away hunting with Uncle Emmett and Aunt Rose, so I would have no shield. And I hadn't come this far to let Daddy find out before Jacob. I didn't think I would have to lie this time though - I really wouldn't want to do that.

I decided I would stay and cook a nice supper, since Jacob would undoubtedly be hungry when he got back. Of course, as soon as Jacob knew, we could tell everyone, my family first of all. But I wasn't having Daddy pick it out of my head, freak out, and then have Jacob find out that way. I'd already averted a near discovery disaster, mainly due to Jacob's sweetness and unwillingness to push me for answers.

We ate breakfast together, and did all the other late morning stuff without mention of Jacob's "appointment" once. It was only around lunch time when it came up. I asked Jacob what he wanted to eat and he said something light so he wasn't too full to stretch again for Grandpa.

Light for Jacob was two sandwiches. He ate the first one while I made the second, reaching down to rub his hand over the small of my back. Out of character, Jacob hadn't popped my backside at all today. Probably thinking I might still be sore.

I was a only a little tender, but the gesture was was sweet and appreciated.

I handed him the second sandwich and Jacob surprised me with a kiss on the cheek. I just stared, wide-eyed, for about three seconds before I realized he dipped his knees and not his back.

"I think I'm gonna walk once around the house while I eat this," he said, already taking a huge bite off with his teeth. "You wanna go ahead and start getting dressed?"

"I was thinking . . . I might stay here," I said, starting to avoid his eyes for a second before I decided I was bigger than that and peeped up at him. Reached out and tugged on his t-shirt. "I wanted to fix you a nice supper so it was all ready for you when you get home."

Jacob's free hand, the one clean of any sandwich, tucked a strand of hair back behind my ear.

"I would feel bad leaving you alone though," he said, his eyes showing me that he was telling me the truth. I hadn't been alone . . . since before California. "I don't have to have a special supper."

"I want to fix it though," I pressed, completely honestly. I did want to fix a wonderful supper for Jacob, to show him how proud I was of him for coming so far in such a short time. "This is La Push, Jacob. I'm safe here."

"Yeah, I guess it would just be weird since I've spent the last few months of my life making sure you weren't alone for a second," he said, cracking a smile. "Okay . . . well, if that's what you want."

"I just want to do something nice for you," I assured him, as he stepped back and took another bite off his sandwich. "Come on, I'll walk around the house with you."

Jacob took my hand and we walked together, out the front door. Jacob still munching on his sandwich.

"Ah 'fink," he said, before swallowing and becoming much more coherent. "You just want me out of the house so you can dance around in your underwear."

I couldn't help but laugh. Jacob chuckled, but pretended to give me confused looks through a mouthful of sandwich.

"Why would I need you out of the house to do that? I already dance around for you in my underwear," I quipped back, my mind going to the one time I'd done that.

"Yeah, you do," Jacob said suggestively, done with his sandwich.

We were soon done with the circuit around the house, and stepped back inside. Jacob headed for the bedroom so I followed him.

"Anything particular you want for supper?" I asked as he headed for the bathroom.

"Nah!" He called from inside. "But you can pick me out some clean clothes if you want."

I smiled to myself. I had an idea of what I wanted him to wear. Something I hadn't seen him in for awhile. I began to dig through his drawers.

When Jacob came out of the bathroom a few minutes later, he had a pair of black sweatpants and an undershirt waiting for him.

"Ah," he said, smiling as he took in the clothes on the bed. "I forgot you like the wife-beaters."

"Yeah," I said, appreciatively watching a few drops of water slide down to Jacob's stomach. He must have left his shirt in the bathroom. "You have nice arms."

"Nice?" He questioned, pretending to be cocky, and flexed his arms for me. "Baby, don't act like you don't want tickets to this gun show."

I laughed and sat down on the bed beside Jacob's clothes, and Jacob came to stand in front of me.

"This shirt is my ticket, _baby_," I teased back, reaching up to put my hands on Jacob's hips. "I get to see your guns wherever we go."

Jacob grinned down at me and stepped back.

"You're about to see a lot more than that," he said, winking, his hands coming down to the waistband of his shorts.

I tried not to stare unashamedly as he stuck his thumbs into the elastic and pulled them down. They came down easily enough and he stepped out of them, then turned around and sat down on the bed.

Beautiful body.

I grabbed Jacob's sweatpants off the bed between us and kneeled down in front of him before he could ask me. Jacob still had a really hard and painful time trying to get his pants on, so I helped him. I had no problem with it.

Jacob had been strictly in shorts since he came home though, so pants were slightly more difficult, but doable. Once I got them up to his knees, I took a second to appreciate the sight before me before it was covered up.

Jacob caught my hand as it ran up his thigh.

"Bells is out hunting, right?" He asked, what seemed randomly at first. "I'm going off to see Edward with no brain shield?"

"Ah," I said, curling up my fingers as I realized. That wouldn't be good. I wasn't the only one who had things in my head I didn't want other people to see. "So when you get back."

"Definitely when I get back," he murmured suggestively, and then I moved back so Jacob could stand and pull his pants over his hips. He sat again and I kneeled back between his knees while he pulled his shirt on, and then leaned into his chest once he had.

Jacob's hand soothed over my hair. "I can't kiss you from down there."

So, smiling, I pushed myself to me feet and leaned into his shoulder. He was so ridiculously tall. God, I loved him.

Jacob cupped my face easily in his hands and pulled my mouth to his, kissing me easily. I parted my lips for him and he tasted me, gently. I pressed one of my lips between his, moaning softly, and Jacob sealed the kiss.

"Mm," he said as he pulled away, the sound only furthering my lust. "All right, that's enough. I've gotta go see your dad, like . . . now."

"Oh," I said as I realized, trying not to sound so disappointed. "Okay . . . "

I stood up so Jacob could, and we walked together to the door. I handed Jacob his keys, to the Porsche that Seth was sweet enough to drop off a few days after we'd been home, and followed him outside.

I was a little nervous about him getting into the car, since it was a little low, but he held onto the door and managed all right. He did mutter a curse word under his breath, but it wasn't a bad one, so I knew he was okay.

He shut the door and cranked the car, rolling down the window immediately. I leaned into the window and met his lips when they reached out for mine. Jacob turned, actually turned sideways, and caught my face in his hands.

"I don't want to leave you," he murmured, kissing me again. I knew the feeling. "What are we gonna do when I have to start patrols again, or get an actual job?"

I hadn't even thought of that. Well, there was always my family, and all my wolf girls to spend time with. Maybe now Jacob could teach me to drive and that would help a lot . . .

"One thing at a time, Jake," I comforted, kissing him again and cupping his cheek. His skin was so hot. "Go get checked up so you can hurry home. Tell everybody I love them."

"I will. I've got my old phone," he reminded me, gesturing his head in the direction of the console. "Keep the house phone by you, and keep your doors locked."

"And I won't open the door for any wolves unless I know them by name," I teased, coming back to kiss him again. Jacob chuckled into my lips, but acted like he was going to protest against my nonchalance. "Okay, Jacob, I will, but calm down. It's La Push, all right?"

"I love you," he said as he sat back and pushed the car into gear.

I stepped away and smiled, feeling . . . very wifely.

"I love you too, Jake," I said back, half-waving. "Drive safe."

I felt a little sad, but also more grown up as I watched Jacob drive away. I'd been home alone hundreds of times before, growing up, although it was never long before my favorite wolf or one of my family members showed. But still - like Jacob said, I hadn't been alone-alone since before California.

And I had never been alone in Jacob's house. Our house.

I hurried back inside, locking my door behind me, to finish planning tonight.

I made sure located the house phone and set it on the kitchen counter where I could easily hear and get to it from this side of the house, and then stood there. What should I do?

If all went well and Jacob came home happy and with the doctor's okay, then I would tell him. But how?

Before dinner? After? Before the bedroom?

Yes, probably before the bedroom. I wanted to make love to Jacob the next time with him knowing the whole truth. After . . . yesterday, I felt like that was important.

Now, what to cook? And what to wear?

Food first. What would Jacob like?

I rifled through through the cabinets, the refrigerator, and my own mental knowledge of cooking. After thorough inspection, I decided on lasagna. I'd only made Grandma's lasagna for Jacob once, but the reaction had been favorable. Accidentally knocking the empty lasagna plate off the table in a fit of passion kind of favorable.

So lasagna it was.

The best part about Jacob not being here was that I didn't have to hide my aversion to meat. I could run out of the kitchen as many times as I wanted without raising eyebrows. So I set the package of meat to defrost in a sink of hot water, prepared everything else as much as I could, and then went off in search of something to wear.

I didn't know how long Jacob would be gone, but I couldn't expect him to be gone too long. It shouldn't take long for Grandpa Carlisle to check Jacob out and decide whether or not he was healthy enough to phase.

He should be though. Grandpa said that he should be mostly healed, and it was only the stiffness of his muscles. But what if Grandpa was wrong?

I hoped to God not.

I didn't have time to worry about that now, either way. I needed to find something to wear. I wanted something special, and not Aunt Alice's scary lingerie special. Somehow I just didn't think telling your husband you were carrying his child while wrapped in something that resembled a Japanese torture device was the right way to go.

So what was there?

I wanted something comfy, house clothes. Maybe something of Jacob's?

Oh, yes. That was _perfect_.

I dashed back to mine and Jacob's room to start looking for options. I looked through all of his t-shirts but nothing seemed special enough. Not for tonight. I looked through his things in the closet, but there wasn't much.

So off I went back to Jacob's room, where most of clothes still were. The things he wore the least often anyway.

I spent a while looking through these things, a few dress shirts and even more t-shirts. But nothing _special_. I wanted to wear something that would wow Jacob, and I would be really upset if I couldn't find it.

I was finally down to the last drawer, on the bottom left hand side, when I found it. I knew as soon as I saw it that it was the perfect thing. So I reached in and pulled out an old, slightly worn sports jersey.

It was a Seattle Seahawks jersey, the name of which I at least recognized. I did pick up some things from living with and around Jacob for my entire life. It was mostly dark blue, with lighter blue in parts and a white trim.

And on the back, it said Black. I grinned wide when I saw that.

Yep, it was perfect.

I quickly cleaned up the bit of mess I'd made and rushed back to our bedroom to find something to go with it. Meaning bra and panties.

I dug through my drawer for something that matched and decided on the sexy, lacy bra and panty set I had on under my wedding dress. Jacob never did get to see it on, so maybe it was about time he did. Besides, it went with the white and blue of the uniform.

I didn't put it on yet, since I still needed to finish cooking and didn't want to dirty it up. I really hoped Jacob liked my outfit. He did like football, something I guess as a female, I just wasn't inclined to understand. And he definitely liked me in his clothes.

I cooked the half-frozen ground beef as quickly and efficiently as I could, with as few breaks as I could. As soon as that was done, I put the lasagna together as fast as I could and popped it in the oven.

I looked at the clock and it had been about an hour. I wasn't sure how much time I had left, but I knew I wanted to shower. I could call Jacob and check, but that would only make him rush home.

So I dashed back to our bathroom, house phone in hand, and shut the door firmly behind me. If it was just Jacob and me in the house, I usually left it open, but when I was alone I felt more comfortable with it closed for some reason.

I stripped off and stepped into the hot water. The break, finally stopping after going straight for a good few minutes, gave the gears in my mind time to start turning again.

And the nerves in my stomach came back full force.

Oh, God, what was I gonna say?

Hey, there, Jacob - I'm going to have your pups! Celebration sex!

I mean, come on.

So, as I soaped up my hair, I really thought it out. I didn't think I wanted to bring it up at dinner - after definitely. After dinner, but before bed. Maybe _in_ bed.

I'd never had to tell anyone something so important before.

Should I do it with ceremony?

Sit down, climb into his lap? Or should I keep a little distance in case he wanted to get up and walk away? He might be angry with me - I hated even the thought - after keeping it from him for so long. I hoped he would understand.

I would definitely take his hands. I would need to touch him somehow.

I wondered if I should start with the formal 'we need to talk', but it seemed like that would only scare him. Maybe 'I've got something to tell you', or 'I've got some news'.

Then I would kiss him. A last kiss before I changed the dynamic of our relationship forever. Made Jacob a . . . father. A Daddy.

The feeling of a little person to whom Jacob would be Daddy made me all warm inside.

I floated off then for the next few minutes into baby dreams. Lovely things they were. Hopefully, soon I could dream them out loud - hopefully, Jacob could dream them with me.

We would talk about names. Just the idea of such a conversation made me ecstatic. We could have it in bed, Jacob's hand on my stomach.

I'd thought about it a lot over the past few days, when I had time. I'd never been faced with such an important decision before - the naming of a child. Whatever I decided would be what people called her or him for the rest of their life.

Unless they had a Jacob to give them a nickname that stuck.

My hands, massaging conditioner into my scalp now, stopped. What if - what if they _did_ have a Jacob?

What if it was a little girl and . . . and she got her very own Jacob? My mind mentally ran through the options while my stomach tried to decide what it thought about it.

What if I had to do what my mother did? Watch another man look at my baby, watch her become the world in his eyes? I . . . would definitely _love_ for my child to feel the love of the imprint one day. I could wish for no greater thing, to have someone to love so fully and completely, someone who knew them inside and out.

Their wants and needs, knew what you needed even when you didn't know yourself.

I wanted that for them. But not before I had time.

I shook my head and stepped under the spray. This wasn't what I was supposed to be thinking about. I was thinking about telling Jacob.

_How_ was I going to tell Jacob?

Would it be better to start off by telling him I was ready to let him know why I'd been so weird the past few days? Or would that only make him feel worse about what happened yesterday? It probably would, especially when he found out I was . . . pregnant.

I didn't want to do that. Never.

It had been . . . something we needed. Something that, unexpectedly, made me feel much better. More secure, more loved, less guilty. Something I might actually be very interested in doing again sometime, just less seriously. A little more lust and a little less anger.

But that wasn't what I was supposed to be thinking about either.

Okay. Okay, Jacob. Telling Jacob.

Jacob, I've got a baby in me!

I chuckled a little and leaned against the shower tile, just for a second. God, Nessie, get it together.

Come on, honey, Jake would say. It's just me.

I shook my head and reached down to shut off the water. I didn't want Jacob to come home while I was still half-dressed - that would definitely be a diversion. Besides, that would take away from the surprise of my carefully selected outfit.

I dried off quickly, toweling my hair as I walked back into the bedroom. I slipped into my white bra and panties, taking a second to inspect my body in the mirror. Namely my stomach. I leaned forward and back, but there was really no difference. Still flat.

It wouldn't stay that way though. Would Jacob mind?

I pushed that thought away too and pulled on the jersey, feeling pleased when I saw how it hung on my body. It was big, no doubt about that, but it didn't look like a tent. It hung almost to my knees, but not quite. If I shifted a certain way, the collar would slip down my shoulder.

I brushed out my wet curls and wrung them out the best I could. I wasn't about to mess around with makeup so I just applied some of my pomegranate lip balm. Always a hit.

That done, I headed back to the kitchen where the smell of lasagna was strong. My stomach rumbled a little from the smell alone. Smelled like it turned out good. I smiled as I walked over to the oven and checked it.

It was done!

I grabbed the mitts and pulled it out, setting it on the table. Yes, it was a success. The perfect meal to share before an important conversation - sustaining, fulfilling.

Jacob and I could eat this meal, and then wander back to the bedroom. Happy, full, no rush in the world. At peace, healed. Then I could tell him.

I think I was ready.

But the sound of an engine pulling into the drive made me realize just how not ready I was. I took a few deep breaths and decided to take this one step at a time.

Jacob was here. He was home. That was great, and I was happy. That was all for this second.

Feeling a little silly, I went to stand in the small hall that led straight from the door to the back bedroom if you followed it, right before Jacob's room. Right where Jacob set our suitcases on our wedding night.

The idea of any type of pose was ridiculous and completely ruled out, so I just fixed my hair nervously and stood there.

Ten . . . fifteen . . . twenty second later, the door swung open to reveal Jacob.

Then he froze, key in hand, and just stared.

* * *

**Coming up:**

"Don't be nervous, my Jacob," I called back, holding on to the tree to keep from going to him. "It's - it's okay."

Jacob's eyes met mine and he tried to smile. His eyes looked . . . a little better, more confident.

He rolled his head back again, and clenched his fists once more. His body began to vibrate - slower than all the other times I'd seen it. Softly at first, and then stronger. His edges blurred.

Then there was a hoarse shout that turned into a yell as Jacob expanded rapidly. It ended with a roar, and Jacob was a wolf again.

He was on the ground and my heart ached to run to him. I gripped the cell phone tight in my hand.

"Jake?" I called out tentatively, only taking one step further. "Are you okay, honey? Should I call Grandpa?"


	85. In Which There is This

**_A/N:_** Well. Girls, this chapter is very different in a lot of ways. The last coming up, the last A/N with a sense of normalcy to it because I daresay the next one will be a monster filled with tears and thank you's. This chapter is very much self-explanatory, so I don't have much to say about except I love it. It came out exactly how I had planned in my head. I _adore _the ending, mostly the last line.

I'd like to ask you all to please, please add me to your **author alerts** so I'm not forgotten. You can follow my twitter - link in profile - for fanfic news. And also, you can follow my blog - link also in my profile - to see all of my original stuff. Poems that make no sense to anyone but me, and rambling words that run through my head. I'd love to see you all there. My twitter if you're wanting fanfic

I know I'm probably going to upset you all - I hope you'll still remain sweet - but the last chapter will be posted next Thursday, a week from today. I know it sounds like a silly answer, but it feels right. :)

I love you all so much - thank you for your reviews, your PMs, your support. I'll see you next week.

Peace and love, always. :)

**_Disclaimer:_** I never owned it. Katie, lovely as ever, did the title. I'm proud to say I did the lyrics all on my own. I think they fit perfectly here, and I love the song.

* * *

In Which There is This

* * *

_i love you and all i want you to do  
is just hold me, hold me  
hold me  
hold me  
tighter_

_- smokey robinson, you really got a hold on me_

_-_

"Welcome home," I said, a little nervous because I felt silly. Jacob swallowed. "Supper's ready. It's - a little early, but I figured since you ate lunch so . . . "

I trailed off when Jacob appeared completely uninterested in what I was saying. I took a hesitant step closer.

"Hot damn," he announced finally, and the look in his eyes let me know this was a win. "Nessie . . . "

"I found it in your drawer, I hope you don't mind," I said as Jacob took a few slow steps forward, knowing already that he didn't. "It - it says Black on the back. I thought it was cute."

Still Jacob didn't respond, so I reached out and took his hand.

"Let's eat, Jake," I said, tugging on his hand, surprised by how little force it took before Jacob was standing right in front of me. _Right_ in front of me. "I know you must be hungry after your appointment."

"My appointment, yeah," he said absently, reaching up to brush a curl behind my ear. "God, Ness . . . "

"Sit down and you can tell me about what Grandpa said," I urged, my brain flooded with all the possibilities. How the visit went meant so much. "What did he say? Did you phase?"

"No," Jacob said, shaking his head and seeming to shake out of his stupor. Then he shook his head again. "No, no, I - I didn't phase. I - he said I could though."

I felt my brow furrow in confusion.

"He checked me out, and I did my stretches and everything, and he said I could try to phase when I felt ready," Jacob informed me, and my heart soared, even as confusion kept me the smallest bit grounded. "He wanted me to do it the first time with him, but . . . "

"But?"

"I wanted you to be there."

My heart melted. My love for him swelled.

"You . . . wanted me - to be there?" I asked, smiling softly. Reaching up to brush his cheek with the back of my hand.

"You're my everything, Ness," he said, threading his fingers into my hair, making my body yearn towards his. "Of course I do."

"So . . . when do you want to do it?"

"Now," he answered immediately, and smiled. "I'm ready. I wanna do it now."

With that, he started pulling me towards the door. I stopped, digging my heels in when I remembered my attire.

"Jacob - "

"What, honey?"

"I'm not dressed," I informed him, laughing slightly. "Let me go put some clothes on and we can go."

"Don't," he pleaded, not releasing my hand when I made to pull away. He tugged me easily back to him. "Please don't. We'll - we'll go out the back."

"Jacob, it's still day outside," I argued, knowing already his puppy dog eyes would wear me out. "Anyone could see . . ."

"No one will see," he assured me, and I believed him. "And I'd pull their eyes out for you if they did."

I laughed a little more and let Jacob pull me out the back door. I looked around as we stepped outside, but of course there was no one around. And Jacob would know before I would.

The shirt came nearly to my knees, but it still wasn't people-appropriate. It was very Jacob appropriate, however.

We stepped together into the woods, hands connected. I fell a half-step behind to watch the muscles of Jacob's back and the line of his arm as we walked. His amazing height.

A week ago even walking was a painful experience for him, something to endure. Now he had no trouble at all. What if I was a normal human woman, with a normal human husband? Or rather, if Jake and I were both human, because there's no way I could ever love another person in the same way or with the same intensity I loved Jacob. What if I had to watch him suffer through months of painful healing?

Horrible. I was glad my wolf super-healed. And that I could help him do it.

"I can still smell your food from here," Jacob remarked, tugging me back into step with him so he could look down at me. "When I walked in, my brain was having a hard time concentrating on which was better."

"Better?" I asked, changing my hands as Jacob needed when he turned to face me, walking backwards now.

"The delicious smelling food, or my wife in a fucking NFL jersey."

I blushed under his gaze, and felt the collar slipped down my shoulder. I didn't move to fix it, and saw Jacob's eyes move to the exposed skin.

"Do you like the . . . Seahawks?" I asked, pausing to remember the team name I was sporting.

Jacob lifted his eyebrows at me, and smirked. My knees _almost_ went weak.

"Fucking love them."

He stopped then, because we had reached a small clearing. The same clearing we came to on our last night, where I saw Jacob phase for the first time.

And now, I would see him phase again.

Jacob let go of my hand and reached into his pocket, pulling out his cell phone. I took it, confusedly. He stepped back and I made to follow him, but he stopped me.

"No, honey, you have to stay back," he said quietly, reaching up and pulling his wife-beater up over his head.

"I - I will," I promised, taking the shirt from his hands as he made to drop it and draping it over my shoulder like we used to. I brought the corner of it to my nose and inhaled deep. Jacob's eyes widened and he shook his head, almost in wonder.

"No, you have to stay further back," he said, stepping forward and taking my hands. "I don't know how - this will go. I'll . . .I'll scratch the ground when you can come."

"Okay," I said softly. Unconsciously, my face tilted upward.

"Keep the phone with you," he said, brushing his knuckles over my cheek. "If . . . something goes . . . wrong, don't come up to me. Call Carlisle."

"What would go wrong?"

"Nothing, honey, just . . . " Jacob's fingers cupped my jaw and tilted my face more upward. "Just promise me."

"I promise to . . . call," I said vaguely. "I don't know if I can stay away from you . . . if you're hurt."

"Okay, okay." Jacob slid his hot hands up and down my forearm. He pulled my arm up and pressed his lips to my inner wrist. His other hand slid all the way up the underside of my arm and then around to my shoulder. "I understand that . . . but Nessie, the first time we phase . . . we become like an animal."

"This isn't the first time, though," I pointed out.

"It's the first time in a long time, for me," he said seriously. He brought my arm up a little higher, kissing above my wrist. "I don't know how falling back into the wolf will affect me."

"The wolf is a part of you, Jacob," I soothed, with all confidence. Worry did twist in the pit of my stomach though. "You didn't lose it."

Jacob smiled, halfway. His heart rate picked up, just a little.

"Just . . . if, if I growl, or my hackles are up . . . you leave," he said firmly. He was trying to be soft, but the veiled command was there. "Even if I'm hurt. You leave."

"O-okay," I promised, even if I wasn't sure it was one I could keep. I couldn't ever imagine Jacob growling at me - really growling at me - as a wolf, at least. He did it plenty human.

I blushed at the thought.

"It's gonna be alright, baby," Jacob soothed, laying one more kiss to the back of my hand before he drew it back down his chest. "Just in case."

I nodded, and forced myself to stand still while Jacob backed up into the clearing. I stood where I was at the edge, leaned against a large tree with smooth bark, and waited.

Jacob walked back and back, further and further until he was in the center of the clearing. Almost doubling the space he kept between us the first time. He made eye contact with me one more time, before he broke it to look down.

He slid his pants down over his hips and they fell pretty easily to his feet. He stepped out of them, took another step back. I watched with bated breath and a tight stomach.

He rolled his shoulders and then let his head fall back, like he was stretching. He clenched his fists, and then his form . . . vibrated. But the change never came.

I watched Jacob's shoulders relax and heard his sigh of frustration clearly across the space between us.

"What's - " I swallowed, trying to wet my dry throat. "What's wrong?"

Jacob shook his head, looking frustrated. He loosened his fists, straightening his fingers out.

"I'm just - " He shook his head again, harder. "I'm just . . . I'm kinda nervous, I guess."

"Don't be nervous, my Jacob," I called back, holding on to the tree to keep from going to him. "It's - it's okay."

Jacob's eyes met mine and he tried to smile. His eyes looked . . . a little better, more confident.

He rolled his head back again, and clenched his fists once more. His body began to vibrate - slower than all the other times I'd seen it. Softly at first, and then stronger. His edges blurred.

Then there was a hoarse shout that turned into a yell as Jacob expanded rapidly. It ended with a roar, and Jacob was a wolf again.

He was on the ground and my heart ached to run to him. I gripped the cell phone tight in my hand.

"Jake?" I called out tentatively, only taking one step further. "Are you okay, honey? Should I call Grandpa?"

Jacob's huge russet head lifted, and his black eyes focused on me. So human, even as a wolf. Just like his eyes could be so primal as a man.

Then he shook his head, back and forth, like a human.

"Are - are you okay?" I asked, allowing myself one more step. "Are you in pain?"

I watched from my place as Jacob rose up to his impressive wolf height, proud and tall. He tossed his head, and then he was contracting.

He was man again before my eyes. Naked and tall, he was my Jacob again.

I watched, almost in awe, as he stooped - yes, stooped down to the ground to grab his pants and pull them on. There was no struggle in the action, no pain. Jacob's face was oddly emotionless, but not cold.

He looked like he was . . . studying. Doing a puzzle. Or an science experiment, and studying the results.

He raised his arms, high above his head, and then swung them back down. I watched in stunned silence as he leapt into the air, and turned over, landing firmly on his feet.

A perfect backflip.

My heart . . . I couldn't explain what it was doing.

"Jacob," I heard my voice murmur softly. Shocked.

What - what had happened?

Jacob's head snapped up at the sound of my voice, however faint it may have been, over however great a distance. He straightened up to his full, impressive height. I thought he'd been standing straight before, but he hadn't. This was . . . magnificent.

His eyes landed on mine - strong and beautiful and determined - and he strode towards me. Fast, long, comfortable strides.

Then he was before me, right in front of me, inches away. I could reach out and touch him if I wanted. I could fall forward and land in his arms.

But I just stood. Jacob towered over me, staring down at me, his eyes more amazing than I'd ever seen them.

"Jacob," I breathed again. "How . . . ?"

"It was like . . . " Jacob's hands reached out, like he wanted to take me in his arms, but they just hovered. "Like the best stretch in the world. Like - needing to crack your back, and then finally doing it . . . "

I could feel the intensity from his gaze and the heat from his body. His body. God, it would be so hot now, now that he just phased. Flaming.

"And you're - and you're . . . " I shook my head as I searched for the words. "Healed now?"

Slowly, his eyes stuck on mine, Jacob's head nodded.

"It looks like it." He swallowed, and then his pink tongue - almost red - came out to wet his lips. "And you know . . . you know what I really want?"

I thought I did.

"What?"

Then I was in the air. I was in his arms. Against his body, close and hard like I hadn't been since the minutes before he left me. I was against a tree and his skin was so hot and his mouth was so _close_ and his smell . . . oh, his smell.

And his eyes. My Jacob . . he was back.

My Jacob was back.

"This," he growled.

And then I had his mouth too.

His kissed me, stronger than our reunion kiss, almost as strong as the kiss before he left me. It was passion and love and pride and joy and it was all mine. Hot and alive, his mouth manipulating my lips until brain couldn't even form thoughts.

His body was so strong - it had always been so strong, but now it was _strong_. His heart . . . I could feel it against mine. One of his arms held me tight against him and the other cupped my face, holding my lips to his. Like I would ever want to get away.

"I've waited . . . it feels like I've waited months to hold you like this," he murmured into my mouth, not stopping with his hungry kisses. I parted my lips for him to taste me and he did, dipping into my mouth. My fingers reached up to hold his mouth firmly against mine and I tasted him back. "God, honey . . . I didn't realize I was still missing you, baby."

And I realized he was right.

"I - I still missed you . . . too," I murmured into the kisses.

"Not anymore," he growled, and his hand left my waist to hold me from under my thighs. He pulled us away from the tree, holding me tight. "I'm here, baby. I'm gonna take care of you now. I can take care of you now."

"You - you always - " It was no use to try and get out full sentences - or full thoughts. "I can - we - each other."

Jacob's mouth left my lips and moved down to my neck, hot kisses. His mouth on my throat.

"What was that, baby?"

"We take care of each other," I panted, barely able to remember what I had wanted to say. "I'll always take care of you . . ."

"You do, baby," he murmured, his tongue reaching out to taste my neck. Hot. So hot. I'd forgotten how body his body was after the phase. "Always . . but it's my - turn now. You gonna - let me take care of you?"

I pulled his head back to my mouth and kissed him, open-mouthed. Each of our lips fighting to surround the other. I took my taste and then let Jacob take over the kiss, take care of me like he wanted.

I nipped Jacob's full bottom lip and he growled, kissing me harder, and I whimpered.

Jacob smirked into the kiss and slid his hands back, to my backside. I whimpered again and pulled my body closer to Jacob's, closing my ankles around his back. Just over his backside.

"Does that hurt you?"

It took my brain a second to realize what he was asking.

"No, Jake . . ." I pulled myself up higher in his arms and when Jacob realized what I was doing, his hands helped me. "I'm so fine. Nothing hurts."

"You ready to - _mm_, go home, Ness?"

I was. I really was. But . . .

"I don't want you to put me down though," I murmured into his mouth, against his tongue, and feeling whiny for it.

Jacob's arms just held me tighter.

"I don't fucking plan on it."

And so Jacob, his strong arms holding me and his strong lips kissing me, began walking us back to the house. I didn't know what happened to Jacob's shirt or his cell phone and honestly, I didn't really care.

I was being held by Jacob. My husband. I had bathed him and dressed him and cooked for him and fed him for the past three weeks and now he was back. He was holding me, carrying me, and we were going home.

It was all coming together.

There was only one thing left.

And soon, very soon, we were home. I recognized it by the smell of lasagna, covering up the scent of Jacob. I opened my eyes as I heard the door slam shut, Jacob kicking it behind us.

He made a beeline straight for the bedroom. And while I wanted to be there so bad, I - I had something to tell him. Something so important, and I had no idea where to do it or how to start.

"Jake - Jacob, honey - " I panted into his mouth, and tightened my legs around him. Jacob's sports jersey was almost up around my hips. "You're not hungry?"

"Not for food," he said roughly, guiding us down the hall.

Every part of my body knew when Jacob stepped into the bedroom. Here. We were here.

Jacob stopped, pulling away from my mouth. I leaned back, breathless and hazy-eyed, to see his muscled arm reaching out to cut on the light switch even though the room was fairly bright. Everything was thrown into sharper relief.

I felt my head shake vaguely, my mind lust-raddled.

Jacob bit his lip, the sexiest sight, and roved his eyes over my face and bare shoulder.

"I want to see every inch of you."

I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted _him_.

Then he walked us to the bed. I felt that jolt - that familiar jolt - as Jacob's shins hit the frame, and then that scary, exciting falling feeling as I was lowered onto the mattress.

Then I was up, high up, on the center of the bed. And Jacob's body - hot and hard and _mine_ - was over me.

I cried out. It was this build up of passion and love and - and lust too, and _happiness_ . . . and to have him, over me like that. Finally, again. Home. I - I just couldn't hold it in.

"What?" He asked, worriedly, sitting back on his arms. Above me. He was so beautiful like this. "What is it - are you - am I too heavy?"

This again? I actually laughed a little.

I reached up - yes, up - to wrap my fingers around the back of his neck and pull him back down to my lips. I kissed him once, brushing our mouths tenderly together before I released him to he could pull back a little more. So we could see each other's eyes.

"Never too heavy, Jake . . . " I licked my lips, tasting him there, and arched my body, feeling his there. "I just - I was so glad, you - you feel so good . . . I . . ."

I actually felt my eyes prick, but I didn't give in to the urge to tear up.

"You feel so good too, Nessie," he said, reaching down and sliding his hand up my thigh. Pulling the jersey up to my hips. "I've - all I've _dreamed_ about lately is having you under me."

"I'm under you now."

"Fuck yeah, you are," he said, and then he had my mouth again.

It was amazing, so amazing. It was - it was the most familiar thing in the world - but it had been so long. It all felt new.

Then he sat back, taking his body off of mine, back onto his heels. He looked really fucking good like this. I took in his chest, wide and strong, down to his stomach. It was beautiful - strong and chiseled, every line and dip. My hands and tongue knew them well, but my stomach needed to get familiar with them again.

Jacob's eyes worked over my body, making me writhe under his gaze. I felt like prey - I would be proud to let Jacob hunt me.

He slid his hands up my open thighs, and then around to the outside of them. Then, with a gentle but firm movement, he pulled me. Down the bed, until I was against him again. Against his legs.

I gasped, and my body rushed. Jacob's nostrils flared and his pupils dilated.

"I _love_ this shirt on you," he said, sliding his hands up to my hips, pulling the jersey with it. I arched my hips off the bed so I he could lift it above them. "But now, it's got to go."

I sat up, so fast that shock flashed against Jacob's face for an instant, and his hand gripped my hip tighter to steady me. But it left to help his other one pull the jersey straight up over my head.

I laid back down as soon as it was off, and Jacob got this primal look in his eyes. His hands went back to soothing over my thighs. Could he see my heart coming out of my chest?

"Mmm," he said, like he knew exactly what sounds to make to drive me crazy. "I like the white. You don't wear it much."

"I didn't . . ." I had to stop to try and remember what I was going to say when his hot fingers slipped around to the inside of my thigh. "I didn't think it - went good . . . with my skin."

"Everything goes good with your skin, Nessie," he said, his voice quiet but rough, and my stomach tightened as he laid back over me again. "But you know it's the best when there's nothing on it at all."

"Is that so?" I asked, as Jacob nodded and _mmhm_'d into my mouth. He picked up my thigh and hitched it over his hip, bringing me into direct contact with his hardness.

I gave myself in to the beautiful, wonderful sensations for a few delirious moments. The hot kisses and the even hotter hands and the delicious hardness pressed between my legs.

Jacob ran his hands over every inch of my body like he was discovering it again. My breasts and my sides and my stomach and my hips. My thighs and my backside.

My neck and my face. When his hand was on my throat or my cheek, it seemed like his mouth and hands were fighting for more ground. He was so passionate, it was hard . . . how could I pull away from this?

But when I arched my back into Jacob's body, his hand slid up into the space it made. Up to the band of my bra.

"Jacob," my voice murmured, before I was completely gone. "I've - I want . . . there's . . . "

"Don't worry, baby," he muttered into my neck, laying hot, rapid kisses. He bit, very lightly, just a scrape of the teeth. "I'll make sure you get what you want."

"Jake . . . " I attempted weakly, wanting to keep my promise to myself. I didn't want to put this off any longer. "Jacob . . . "

Jacob thrust his hips into the space between my legs and groaned into my neck at the same time I whimpered. His hand slid down to my waist, holding me there, his thumb reaching across to rest on my stomach.

"Nessie . . . "

Oh. Oh, my Jacob. He thought I was moaning his name in passion - which I could do easily, if only I gave myself into it. He didn't recognize I was trying to get his attention.

His mouth came back to my lips, kissing me hungrily, like a dying man given water. And he was making such beautiful sounds - so many groans and sighs - murmuring my name into my mouth. His body straining towards mine, like it knew where it belonged.

My body knew where it belonged too. But . . .

"I love you, Ness," he whispered into my mouth, holding me tighter and nipping gently at my lip, tasting me with his hot tongue. "I love you so much, baby."

My resolve crumbled. I wouldn't. I wouldn't reject my Jacob again.

Telling him about the baby could wait.

I wrapped my arms tighter around my husband and opened my mouth to him, flicking my tongue out to taste his. I wanted him to take my tongue into his mouth and suck gently, like we had done before. Like we both enjoyed. But Jacob didn't respond.

I hardly noticed that Jacob's hands on my body had stilled, their grip weakening.

He pulled away, our lips parting with a soft sound.

His eyes were . . . open, _so_ open. But confused.

They gazed down at me, beautiful and dark. I could still feel his breath on my lips.

"What baby?"

* * *

**Coming up:**

"J-Jacob?"

"I . . . " He leaned in closer to my stomach, and turned his head sideways, pressing his ear there. He sucked in another breath. "It was . . . the whole time . . . "

"What?" I asked confusedly, reaching down and running my fingers through his hair, trying to coax him to look at me. "What is it, honey?"

"The . . . heartbeat," he breathed, in complete awe. My own heart skipped a beat. "I hear . . . his heart. I've . . . _been_ hearing it . . . since I woke up."

The . . . heartbeat? He had been hearing our baby's heartbeat? Since . . .

"This morning?" I questioned, already half sure that wasn't it.

Jacob slowly shook his head, his eyes wide.


	86. In Which it Comes Full Circle

_**A/N:**_ Well, guys . . . sigh. What an A/N to write. The very last for the story of _Hands on Me_. It's been exactly a year since this story started, and no, I haven't kept you all waiting for that purpose. I just made it my goal to post by then because life has been so ridiculously busy.

I'm sorry for the wait, but real life interfered. Those of you - almost literally all of you - who understood and were kind and patient, thank you endlessly. You are the people I write this story for - the people that make me work towards the deadline. The people that I look forward to making smile, or laugh, or even cry.

Most of you have been with me a long time, and I always remember those who remembered me. I love you all. You made my year amazing, you gave me such confidence in my writing and hope for the future. I don't know how many people know this, but the first chapter of _Hands on Me_ was written after more than a year without writing.

You all made me believe I could really spend my life doing this. I pray not to lose any of you as I continue with _Undeniable_ and all my other projects. I consider you friends.

To the people who were _not_ patient, or understanding, and downright rude - this chapter is not for you. By sending those messages/reviews, you proved I was never writing this story for you.

For the rest of you - thank you again. I love you.

Now, onto the subject of the chapter. The very last chapter. I know a lot of people wouldn't exactly be happy with where I ended it, but I am. The last line has been planned since before they went back home, and it was so weird to finally write it. I love the ending.

Now, that said, I have an announcement to make. There _will_ be a _Hands on Me _sequel! It won't be as epically long by miles, actually very short in comparison. Around twelve chapters. It will follow Nessie and Jacob through the pregnancy until just after the birth. There will be a chapter for each month of the pregnancy from each of their point of views.

I will go ahead and warn you not to expect it any time soon though - it will be posted after I have completed it, and after _Undeniable _has finished. (On the subject of _Undeniable,_ I ask you to hold on with me a little longer while I get my life in order.)

I'm really excited about writing it though, and I hope you'll like reading them settling into married life and preparing for parenthood. I hoped to have a title for you by this point, but life is insane, so alas, I don't.

But just to confirm for the people who skim, and to be very clear - **there will be a sequel! **

I don't want to lose any of you after this - and if you don't want to lose me, you can join my twitter or my blog, the links to both of which are in my profile.

I don't know what else to say. I'm very happy with how it all turned out, and it's really crazy that this will post on the one year anniversary of _Hands on Me_'s publication. I swear I wasn't waiting it out intentionally - that goal just kicked my butt into gear.

It's been a great year, a wild ride, and I love you all.

_Endless love. xx._

- Nadia

_**Disclaimer:**_ Did I ever own any of it? :)

_**Dedication:**_ I owe a lot of people for the mass success (in my mind) that _HoM_ has become, and there's no way I can mention them all. So please don't be offended if your name isn't here - it wasn't intentional, I love you too.

First and foremost, this goes out to **Katie**. You changed my life just as much as you claim I changed yours. Thank you.

And now for the rest of you! I usually bold all usernames, but that would be confusing - so I'm only going to bold every other one. No significance in that other than looking pretty. :)

So, **Gina.N.B**, ChampionShoes,** edwardisaputz**, Flying stars,** Cymbeliness**, , **Charlotte Webber**, JustEmmettPlease, **mediate89**, Tinkerbella C, **twi-nighter**, ShadowInTheNight1, **YourOasis**, leydan22, **ajoxley**, Clegs22, **..town**, Yos-yo,** LawrenRed**, suzmac33,** LilAnnie123**, TooToo, **Gryffindor Gurl2**, Ashdella, **Miss Wheazy**, Angel-danger,** Angel of the Night Watchers,** KayaRayne, **BookRead**, DefectCriminal, **Kats Flower Girls**, Tashay789,** AZIdolFan**, NoMonstersNoMagic,** Nyasha17**, mindlessmuse, **RenesmeeAlice**, ThexWall, **Adirondackmommi**, Distracted procrastination, **my-heart-is-just-as-silent**, Hedwigsfeathers, **Akicks,** JannieG, **sammieleelee**, klarsen117, **twihardcaligurl**, imreallycool,** liljenrocks,** MidnightMarshmallow, **emmie elizabeth**, wordslinger,** halfdozenroses**, reader-giggles, **lovewritesitself**, smelsies, **gizll**, Moonstruck Manda, **.ng**, ceci9293, **Deany-Bob101**, yay4shanghai, **angelicmethod**, lavender sunset, **WendyJH**, Buffy0604, and **artbeatsandlife** . . . this chapter is for you.

Not just you, all of you. Everyone who stuck with me. I owe you a major.

Now, for the very last time in history of _Hands on Me_, go read - and then review! :)

* * *

In Which it Comes Full Circle

* * *

_the sun has come  
the mists have gone  
we see in the distance our long way home  
i was yours to have  
and you were always mine  
we have loved each other  
in and out  
in and out  
in and out of time_

_- maya angelou, in and out of time_

-

My heart leapt into my throat as my body and heart and mind came to grips with Jacob's words. I had let myself fall too deep into him without going all the way, and my gift had slipped. Without me noticing even. Jacob heard my thoughts.

This was it. It was time.

"Jacob," I breathed, with no idea what would come after it. Still, Jacob's eyes studied mine.

Lips parted, brow furrowed, Jacob shook his head almost absently.

"Ness?"

I reached up and touched Jacob's cheek, making sure my gift was firmly closed. The rest would come from me, my words. My heart was beating _so_ fast.

"Jake . . . " What did I say? How did I do this? Change his life forever? "I . . . I'm . . . "

He didn't say anything. He just watched me. His face so perfect and unlined, so young looking. Just waiting for what I had to say. I could see the emotion, hiding just behind his open face.

I took a deep, steadying breath. Felt my chest, my stomach, pressing against Jacob's. I let it calm me.

"I'm . . . I'm pregnant."

Jacob's heart thudded, the only outward reaction. My entire body felt like it was in knots. His brow furrowed, the smallest bit, and then his lips fell a little further apart.

"W-what?"

There was no way on earth he hadn't heard me. It was impossible. But it looked like I would have to say it again for it to sink in. I _prayed_ for a favorable reaction.

I licked my lips to wet them, nervously.

"I'm . . . "

"Are are - are you sure?" He asked, his face very serious, and I nodded. "How do you - w-when? How . . ."

I strained up to press my lips lightly to Jacob's, but he didn't kiss back. It wasn't a rebuff, just shock. Oh, my poor Jacob. I should have been better prepared.

"The day you left," I said quietly, sliding my hand down Jacob's hot chest soothingly. With a jolt, Jacob lifted himself higher onto his arms, so our bodies weren't touching. "In the bathroom . . . do you remember?"

"So . . . so you've been . . ." Jacob suddenly launched himself off of me, back onto his knees. I was frozen for two heartbeats before I pushed myself up too, following him. "You have . . . you're . . . pregnant?"

"I am," I said, fighting back the tears wanting to well up in my eyes. This wasn't how I planned for it to go at all. I reached for his hand, resting on his thigh, and he flipped it over to let me take it, but that was all. "And I'm so - Jacob, God, I'm just so _sorry_ for not telling you sooner . . . but I thought - I thought it would make you feel so bad about having me help you and it would affect your healing."

Jacob brought his head up, to meet my face, but he still seemed shocked. Not angry, though, which was good.

"My . . . healing?" I nodded fervently, walking on my knees. "How long have you . . . known?"

Oh, this question. I'd ran over how I would answer this question a thousand times in my head, but now I had no words. I tried fruitlessly to swallow the lump in my throat.

"Since . . . since before you got back," I answered quietly, completely truthful. "I got . . sick, and . . . and Emily helped me figure it out . . . "

"You were sick?" He asked, his face horror-stricken.

"Just - just a cold," I assured quickly, imploring. "The flu . . . Emily, she said - she said that happens sometimes."

"Emily?"

"Yes," I said, blinking rapidly to try and prevent tears from forming. I brought my body even closer and brought my hands up to Jacob's shoulders. "She - she's the one who figured it out - but I didn't tell anyone else. I didn't want anyone to know before you, Jacob, that was so important to me."

He still didn't say anything, his gaze on my shoulder, so I reached up and cupped his face in my hands, making him face me.

"Jacob," I whispered, almost pleading. "I'm so sorry for lying to you, my love, you know I would never . . . I just wanted to tell you at a happy time. When you were healed. I wanted you to be happy . . . I thought . . . I thought you wanted a baby."

"A baby," he said slowly, his eyes searching my face. He brought his hand up to cup my cheek, and I let my hands slide down to his shoulders. His thumb brushed my cheekbone, soft. "You're . . . having a baby."

I just nodded, the best I could with my face in Jacob's hands. "Y-yes."

Jacob's brow furrowed again, but not in anger or frustration or confusion. Just pure intensity, as he brought his face slowly down to mine. His hands held my face still, and when his lips met mine, it was magic.

Slow, tender, beautiful magic. Love in physical form. Light and intimate and enough to make my body shake.

Jacob's arm steadied me, wrapping gently around my waist. The other stayed, holding my cheek.

"My baby," he said, almost unbelieving. He kissed me again, that same magic kiss. "Our baby . . . "

"Yes," I murmured, my heart lifting. The prickling behind my eyes got worse, but they were tears of joy. "Yes, my Jacob."

He brought his lips back to mine, kissing tenderly. I threaded my fingers into his hair and leaned back, against his arm, so he would know I wanted to lay down. He took my lead and I felt him spread and brace his knees, the hand on my face sliding to support the back of my head. Like I was the baby, and not the woman with the baby inside of her.

He laid me down more carefully and more gently than he ever had, lying down beside me instead. He leaned his torso over mine, and one of his thighs reached around to rest between mine, but his weight stayed firmly off.

I nipped his lip lightly, just barely a scrape of the teeth, and pressed my bottom one between his for him to do the same. He didn't though, he only closed his lips around it, kissing lightly before letting go.

His left hand ran down my body carefully, over the swell of my breasts and my ribcage. Brushing, barely touching.

Then lower, further down my stomach. But instead of dipping between my thighs, he stopped. Just above the low-rise of my panties, just under my belly button. Over our baby.

Jacob pulled his lips back from mine, and studied my eyes. Leaned in and kissed my cheeks.

"There?" He asked, looking so beautiful and so young. I wanted his kiss again.

Instead, I slid my hand down from around his neck, down between our bodies. Down his forearm until my hand rested on top of his huge one.

"There," I confirmed.

His mouth came back down on mine for a gentle kiss. Then it moved lower, to just under my jaw. A line of soft, chaste kisses down my neck and collar bone. When he reached my breasts, pushed up high and pressed together by the style of the bra, he nuzzled his face there.

Soft and easy, his cheek against my skin, and then his lips, ghosting over the swell of each one.

I sighed his name and arched my body up into his touch, but he was already moving down. Down over my ribcage, sliding down the bed. An open-mouthed kiss over my navel.

Then he settled down onto his stomach, bracing himself with one elbow. The other arm draped loosely over my hips, the hand of it resting on the place just beside my navel.

"Here," he said, looking up at me, but it wasn't a question. I nodded anyway.

Then, just like all my dreams these past weeks, he lowered his head down to the lowest part of my stomach. He brushed his lips across the flatness there, and his eyes widened.

And he sucked in a breath, a gasp. The first gasp I'd ever heard come from Jacob's mouth without my hands on his body.

"J-Jacob?"

"I . . . " He leaned in closer to my stomach, and turned his head sideways, pressing his ear there. He sucked in another breath. "It was . . . the whole time . . . "

"What?" I asked confusedly, reaching down and running my fingers through his hair, trying to coax him to look at me. "What is it, honey?"

"The . . . heartbeat," he breathed, in complete awe. My own heart skipped a beat. "I hear . . . his heart. I've . . . _been_ hearing it . . . since I woke up."

The . . . heartbeat? He had been hearing our baby's heartbeat? Since . . .

"This morning?" I questioned, already half sure that wasn't it.

Jacob slowly shook his head, his eyes wide.

"Since I woke up . . . after the war," he corrected, and my eyes widened to match his. "It's . . . been this thrumming, in my ears, ever since I woke up. It fades . . . sometimes - when, when you're . . . when you weren't close, I realize now."

I soothed my hand over his hair, down his smooth cheek.

"I thought I was going crazy . . . I tried not to think about it around Edward . . . and then . . . "

"Then?" I prodded gently.

"Then that time, after . . . after we made love for the first time," he said, one of his hands sliding up, his thumb pressing into the sensitive skin under my arm and his fingers resting on my shoulder. "And you . . . you laid on top of me . . . everything was so quiet. It got so clear."

My mind went back to that day, that beautiful day, when I collapsed tired and sweaty onto Jacob's body. How he held me, how there was no sound in the world besides our heartbeats.

And then how he asked me if I heard anything.

"And I asked you, and you said you didn't hear anything . . ."

"I didn't," I swore, cupping his jaw more urgently. "I swear I never did, Jacob . . . I never knew you could hear . . . "

"It's okay," he soothed, shaking his head like he could shake off my worried words. "I - I know what it is now. I can hear it."

I strained my ears, but still heard nothing besides our breathing and Jacob's deep, steady heart.

Jacob let his eyes fall closed and pressed his cheek and ear back to my stomach. He let out a soft, beautiful breath.

"What . . . " I ran my fingers over his hair, and sighed when Jacob turned his face to lay a soft, tender kiss on my stomach. "What does it sound like?"

"It sounds like your heart," he murmured, nuzzling his nose there, and then kissing again. "But quieter, a little slower . . . it almost vibrates. It's like music."

I was happy, overjoyed, but a little jealousy tinged through. That I couldn't hear what Jacob so clearly could. I would just have to make do with his descriptions.

"It sounds . . . very beautiful," I whispered, soaking in the wonderfulness of this moment. "Our baby's heart."

"I can't believe all this time . . . ." Jacob murmured to himself. Another kiss on the skin of my stomach, the muscle quivering under Jake's mouth. "I never knew . . . I never figured it out . . . you should have told me."

"I'm sorry I didn't, Jake," I swore, threading my fingers through his hair more deeply. "I just - "

"I know . . . honey, I know," he comforted, finally coming back up my body and laying himself down like before. Legs at my side, torso half-over me. His huge hand cupped my cheek and he lowered his face over mine, close. "I just . . . I would have been so much more careful . . . if you told me. I wouldn't have . . . I . . . "

Then the soft strokes of Jacob's nose across my cheekbones stopped. I watched his eyes go wide and felt his body stiffen.

"Oh, fuck, Nessie," he said darkly, letting his head fall into my neck. I reached up and cradled his head. "Yesterday . . . "

My heart sank. I had hoped the happiness of my news would make yesterday flutter straight out of his head - I knew this would happen. The guilt.

"Jacob - "

"God, Nessie, I . . . why didn't you tell me?" He questioned, pulling back to examine my face. His was horrified. "Why did you let me . . . ?"

"Because I felt bad!" I exclaimed, carefully but quietly, reaching up to touch his throat. "About keeping it from you - lying to you . . . you don't know how hard that was . . . and it made me feel better."

"But . . . but you're . . . oh, God." The pain in his voice hurt me, worse than anything he was fearing he'd done to me had. "Nessie . . . what if I . . . what if I hu - "

"No, Jacob," I said firmly, taking his face in my hands and staring straight into his eyes, not letting him avoid my gaze. "You did not hurt me, and you did not hurt . . . the baby. We . . . we're fine."

"How do you know?"

"I just know, Jacob," I said quietly, trying to be tender. "How do . . . I know I'm pregnant without ever taking a test? How do I know I love you?"

I pulled his face down to mine for a kiss, but his lips were unresponsive. I released my grip and let him draw back, fear still clear on his face. I don't remember ever seeing Jacob afraid.

"Nessie, you've been doing . . . _so_ much lately, I didn't even - I didn't even want you doing normally, let alone . . . _pregnant_." He sat back and slid his hands down to my waist, his thumbs soothing gently into my stomach. "We have to go see Carlisle - now. We - I have to make sure you're all right. I'll kill myself if I - "

"Jacob!" I said sharply, sitting up and reaching up to hold his face in my hands again. "Don't you _ever_ say that to me. It makes me crazy just to think about it - and - and - "

Tears rose up in my eyes - now I knew why Jacob had gone so crazy when I'd said that very same thing, only much more seriously, in the car that day he told me about the war. Hearing it - it was horrible.

Jacob's hands jumped up to brush the tears out of my eyes.

"No, no, baby, don't cry," he said urgently, moving on his knees so we were a little closer than before. "Don't get upset - please. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I said that, honey, you know I didn't mean it like that. . ."

I shook my head the best I could, held carefully in Jacob's strong hands. I slid my hands down his chest.

"We are not going to Grandpa Carlisle," I said, allowing him to pull me a little closer. I think he wanted me to lean into his chest, but I wanted to face him. "I have waited weeks to be able to - to share this with you, Jake . . . "

"But we need to make sure you're _safe_," Jacob pressed, and I shook my head again.

"I am safe," I murmured, straining my body up so our faces were closer. Jacob dipped his head down when he saw what I wanted. "Nothing will change by tomorrow morning - then we can . . . tell everyone. Tonight, Jacob . . . I just want to share this with you. I just want you to be happy."

I watched as Jacob's brow smoothed and his bottom lip fell away from his top, the smallest bit. His beautiful, dark eyes widened.

"Is - that what you think, Ness?" He asked softly. "You think I'm not happy?"

That wasn't what I meant. I opened my mouth, but before I could speak, Jacob's mouth met mine. An open-mouthed, but soft and tender kiss. I left my lips parted for more, but Jacob closed the kiss, pulling away until my bottom lip slipped from between his.

I watched Jacob lick his lips, and wished I could do it for him. His thumb brushed over my cheekbone and I felt my face flush.

"Do you know . . . I can't even explain to you what I'm feeling inside of me right now," he said lowly, shaking his head in disbelief. "You don't even know how hard it is - how hard I'm trying . . . to be gentle."

He kneeled down and brushed his nose over mine, and then his lips. I closed my eyes so he could brush across my eyelids. Then across my temple, and down to my ear. His hot lips closed gently over the lobe of it, and I exhaled softly in pleasure.

"I just . . . I want to hold you so tight, and kiss you so hard . . . " He released my ear and breathed softly into it. I shivered. "I've never . . . it's so hard when I'm so happy it wants to explode out of me . . . and I know I have to be soft."

"I won't break," I promised, quiet but earnest. My entire body yearned towards him and one of his hands slid down to my waist to hold me. Again, gently. "We've . . . been together more than a dozen times since you've been home . . . you don't have to be afraid."

"I am though," he said quietly, pulling back to face me. The honesty in his eyes shocked me - I'd never heard Jacob admit to being afraid either. This was a new level. "I'm so scared I'll hurt you . . . and now all I can think about is the past week and everything I did that could have . . . "

"Shh," I murmured, reaching up to hold his face again. I liked how it felt there in my hands. "Your love won't break me, Jacob . . . just be happy."

Jacob shook his head a little, as if in disbelief, and the corners of his mouth tugged down as if against a smile.

"I want to be able to tell you just how happy I am," he said quietly, dipping down to kiss my neck. I strained up, trying to get closer to him, and he tugged me a little closer.

"You don't have to - " I started, but Jacob's lips cut me off.

"I want to," he pressed, as his lips pressed back between mine. "I want to try and tell you, Ness . . . "

I nodded into Jacob's mouth, and then the arm around my waist pulled gently, making my body bow against his. My thigh lifted, almost of his own accord, to rest over Jacob's hip. His other hand came up to hold it there.

Then slowly, gently, carefully, Jacob laid us back down over the bed. On his side again, half over me. His lips were gentle but firm against mine, and I could tell that his body, as strong and hard as it was, was trying to be soft.

Jacob's specialty was hard, wild passion, but he did soft amazingly well too.

"You know how much I love you," he said into my mouth, making a small sound in his throat when I reached my tongue out to taste his bottom lip. His hand moved up to rest on my breast, not squeezing or massaging, just resting. "And you know . . . I know how bad you . . . it killed me to tell you no, and - and use a condom every time when you didn't want it . . . "

I arched my body up into him, lust tightening in my stomach at the same time my heart swelled at his words.

"I wanted to give you a baby, Nessie, so bad." I moaned a little as his lips began to trail down my neck. "But . . . I couldn't . . . I couldn't leave you with a baby if I wasn't there . . ."

I could hear the forced tone of his voice, how the words were giving him trouble. I realized Jacob's insistence on condoms hadn't been about the Volturi's desperate need to acquire me at all. It really only made me love him more.

"Oh," I whispered. "_Jacob_."

"I thought about it all the time, but . . . now that it's here . . . " Jacob's lips slid down to my collarbone, and he ran his parted lips over it. "You are so amazing."

Jacob's free hand, the one not holding his weight, slid up and down my body. Down over my stomach and across my hips, up my side.

"You have . . . you're growing . . . " Jacob's kisses stopped and he paused for a moment, resting his forehead on the curve of my breast. "A - a _baby_."

"Your baby," I reminded him, reaching down to cradle his head again. "You made it with me, Jacob."

Jacob let out an almost shaky breath, and came back up to catch my mouth in another kiss. Definitely stronger than the gentle kisses he'd been trying to give me, but nowhere close to the strength of the passion I was used to with him.

"My baby," he said reverently, pulling back to stare deep into my eyes. "_Our _baby."

"Yes," I whispered, nodding and feeling my eyes start to get wet again. "Yes, Jake . . . "

"I love you so much," he said suddenly, strongly, and kissed me. I tried to disentangle our lips to speak, but Jacob wouldn't let me. "You . . . you're so beautiful and amazing and strong. You took care of me, and - and fed . . . _bathed_ me. You dressed me and helped me walk and - and all this shit that you shouldn't have had to do."

I tried to interrupt him but he just shushed me.

"And now you're having . . . our baby," he said, in that same reverent tone. I strained up and Jacob saw the movement, dipping down so our lips could brush. Not a kiss, just contact. "I want . . . I want to do something for you, Nessie."

"You do enough," I breathed, straining my lips up towards his, for more contact. I wished he would just lay over me like he always did before. I missed his weight. "More than enough - always . . . "

"What do you want me to do for you, honey?" He asked, almost pleading, still teasing my lips torturously with his own, but never kissing me. "What do you need?"

I looked up at him, beautiful and strong and finally healed. My husband, who I was having a baby with. Everything finally coming together. Beautifully perfect. I loved my husband and he loved me - we both knew that. Nothing was after us - and we were . . . starting a family. Having a baby.

I didn't want for anything. And there was only one last thing I _needed_.

I lifted my head up, finally capturing Jacob's lips, and this time he didn't elude me. He gave in to my kisses, letting me take his lip between mine and taste it, then taste the inside of his mouth. Jacob's kisses were always deep emotionally, but physically these were shallow. He was still afraid of hurting me.

I slipped my tongue passed his lips, exploring his mouth tentatively until I found his tongue. I slid mine under it and flicked lightly, trying to draw it out of his mouth, into mine. He got the hint and brought his tongue out to tease along the part of my lips.

I reached my hand around his back, right between his shoulder blades, trying to pull him closer to me. Jacob's hand reached down and slid up the thigh I had lifted around his hip. He turned his head, the changed angle of his mouth letting him kiss more deeply and I whimpered into his mouth.

"Tell me, baby," he murmured, his voice rough. "Anything."

Wasn't it clear?

"This is all I want, Jake," I panted, arching my body up into his. "Make love to me."

Above me, Jacob's body stilled. Softened.

"Nessie," he said quietly, kissing me once and then pulling back just enough to face me. "Are you . . . sure we can? With . . . "

"We have been," I reminded him, my hips yearning forward again, in search of his. I was only able to barely brush him in this position. "It's okay, Jacob . . . "

"Are you sure?" He asked, dipping his head to kiss the lobe of my ear and then my cheek. "What if . . . "

"I asked Emily," I admitted breathlessly, blushing but past caring. "When I first . . . suspected. She said it was fine. It's fine, Jake."

"Yeah?" He asked, like he wanted confirmation, looking very young. I nodded and kissed him.

"Sam would never hurt Emily," I pointed out, opening my mouth to the kiss, shaking my head faintly.

"No . . . " Jacob agreed, moving his head and his lips with mine.

I knew I had won. I only had to drive it home. I only had to ask one more time.

"Take me, Jacob," I breathed, and I felt Jacob give in. In to me.

He groaned, deep in his throat, and shifted, moving his body back over mine. I moaned in pleasure and brought my hands up to his face, kissing him warmly, trying to show my gratitude.

Jacob braced himself on his arms and settled between my legs, so his hot, delicious heat was finally over me again. I made another noise of pleasure, and felt Jacob check himself, but I fixed that by arching my body hard into him. I felt him give again.

"I love you, Nessie," he murmured, breaking from my mouth to move down my neck. I tilted back my head and arched my throat out, making it easier for him. "God, I love you so much."

His mouth laid a hot trail from my neck, across my throat, down my collarbone. Then over the swells of my breasts - I arched my body up, into his touch, his welcoming kisses. Jacob's hands took advantage, sliding down to my waist, under the arch of it, and then back up to the band of my bra.

I arched harder, trying to give him more room to work with, but he didn't need it. I felt the tension disappear as my bra unhooked, and Jacob sat back on his haunches to pull it away.

Jacob growled, low in his throat, and then brought his hands back to rest on the bed so he was on his hands and knees over me. It was an exercise in control to try and keep my body still as he slowly brought his head down to my breasts.

A small whimper passed my lips as his brushed over my nipple. Then he nuzzled me with his nose, teasing.

"Jacob . . ."

"So beautiful," he murmured, closing his lips around my nipple and then pulling back so it slipped from between them. "So _fucking_ beautiful."

He came back, capturing me in his mouth more securely, allowing me to feel the edges of his teeth. I only moaned in response, my back coming off the bed when I felt the heat of his tongue as it swirled around me.

"Jake . . ."

Jacob let me slip from his mouth again, but brought his hand up to cup my breast, holding himself with only one arm. Using only his thumb against the underside of my breast and the rest of his fingers held straight, he managed to cover more than half the circumference of it. His hands were huge. Hot and strong and perfect.

Still holding my breast to attention like that, he leaned in and lapped at my nipple with his tongue. He didn't draw me into his mouth, but brought his tongue out of his, and the sensation for some reason was different.

I whined, and reached up to thread my fingers though Jacob's hair, making him chuckle.

"Jacob," I said breathlessly, in half a whine. "_Oh_."

"Be patient, mama," he said quietly, lapping his tongue over me again. "We have . . . all night. It's not even dark."

He moved then to the other breast, lavishing on it the same attention. The lust in my stomach only grew more and more, and Jacob's body kneeling between my legs deprived me even the action of pressing my thighs together to alleviate tension. His mouth was hot and wet and attentive. Jacob had my hips rising off the bed in search of him, but due to his position, I found nothing.

This only brought out more whimpers, which Jacob seemed to like.

When he released my other breast, he crawled down a foot further, his mouth moving to my ribcage. The pleasure was less intense, but I was glad of the progress. I knew Jacob wanted to lavish me with attention, but my body was impatient.

Finally, Jacob was at my navel, one of his huge hands gripping just above my hip, his fingers pressing into the flesh there. It was like my body was on a string, and that string was tied to his mouth. When his tongue circled my navel, it rose up, following him. And when it dipped inside . . . well.

"You like that?" I could only moan and writhe under him. He did it again, much more slowly and deliberately. "Mmm. I've been thinking about doing that for _days_."

"Jacob, please," I panted, trying to keep the whine out of my tone, my hips still lifting up towards his body. "Don't tease."

"I'm not trying to tease you, honey," he said earnestly, his mouth moving further, down to the lower part of my stomach. He kissed there. "I just want to show you . . . how happy - how grateful - how _proud_ . . . "

He kissed along the lower part of my stomach with each adjective, and I thought about the life resting just below his lips.

"But you're just so impatient," he smirked, pushing himself back up to sit on his heels. His fingers hooked themselves into my panties. "I guess I'll have to do that later."

"You can - " I paused to catch my breath and lift my hips so Jacob could pull my panties past my hips. "Show in me . . . other ways. Less . . . tortuous ways."

"Mm," Jacob said, his eyes sliding down to the center of my hips, what my panties had just uncovered. My stomach tightened harder under his gaze. "I've got other ways . . . "

He slid back further on the bed, pulling my panties down my legs with him. I lifted my feet so he could free them from my ankles. I was both shocked and . . . aroused when I watched him lift the panties up to his face and inhale deeply before tossing them to the ground. He just grinned at me wolfishly, unapologetic.

"It's your fault for smelling so damn good," he blamed, crawling back up my side instead of lying back over me.

I just laid, my body in knots, as he slid the back of one hot hand from my collarbone all the way down to the center of my hips. Over the top of my upper thigh. I let them fall open, the smallest bit, seeing if Jacob would take the invitation, but he did not.

His hand made its way back up to my waist, his first finger circling my navel lazily.

"Turn over for me, mama," he requested quietly, and while my body rocked with lust at his words, my mind was confused.

Would Jacob want our first time with him healed - our second reunion, of sorts - to be like this? I enjoyed it that way too, but this time . . . I think I would much rather have him facing me. Between my legs, chest over my breasts, lips over mine.

But I decided to trust my husband, my Jacob, and turned over.

My hair blocked my vision, but I soon felt Jacob's same hand trailing down my back. It soothed over my backside, and my hips raised up into his touch. His fingers brushed across the underside, where my thighs began to end, the place that remained the most tender after yesterday.

"Just checking," Jacob explained, and my heart melted. His fingers soothed across that place one more time. "You sure you're okay, honey?"

"So okay, Jake," I mumbled, my thighs falling apart a little. Jacob's fingers slipped between them, the smallest bit, and I gasped.

"Then you can turn back over."

I did, rolling into his front as he laid down on his side, propping his head up with his arm. I smiled at him, slow and soft, and he smiled back the same. Then he shifted his weight, bracing his other hand on my opposite side, and lifted his weight onto me once more.

My hands immediately went to the waistband of Jacob's sweatpants, sliding my fingertips inside, feeling the place where Jacob's back started to swell out. Delicious.

Jacob's eyes answered the question mine asked, and I slipped the material down over his hips, as far as I could. When I could reach no more, I brought my legs up to finish the job, grabbing the material with my toes and tugging them down his legs best I could. Jacob lifted his weight off of me for a fraction of a second to kick his pants away.

Then he leaned back in, and I felt his heat, solid and _hot_, against my thigh. I gasped, and Jacob's lips filled the space mine made.

Jacob shifted his weight, like he was preparing to free one arm to reach down and position himself, but I stopped him. I reached down between our bodies to stroke Jacob's lower stomach, and felt, against my thigh, his body react to my touches.

"Let me," I breathed, watching his beautiful eyes darken. He licked his lips and nodded.

So I reached down lower, my eyes on Jacob's the entire time, and wrapped my fingers the best I could around his hardness. I mimicked what Jacob had always done before, sliding him up and down my wetness, and watched my husband's face react. It was beautiful. I had to fight to keep my own eyes from rolling back.

"Who's teasing now?" He rasped.

"No more teasing," I promised, since I wasn't sure my body could take it either. I dragged him one more time, slowly, over my favorite place, before I brought him down to my entrance. "I'm here, Jake."

"Okay?" He asked, and I nodded.

He pressed in, stretching, just the very tip of him. I gasped and let go, brInging my hands up to wrap around his back. I felt the muscles in Jacob's arms flex as he braced them more securely on either side of me. Then he gave me another inch.

We both hissed in satisfaction. Jacob bit his lips, and then leaned forward and kissed me. As his lips found a place between mine, his slid forward fully. I let out a choked whimper into our kiss and Jacob groaned.

"God, I missed you, baby," he bit out roughly, pressing until his hips were flush against mine. "Oh. _Oh_, God."

I shifted my own hips, fighting to keep my eyes open against the feeling of such fullness, and the movement made my favorite place press directly against Jacob's hot skin.

"Me too, Jacob," I murmured, turning my head to the side to kiss his forearm, and then straining up to kiss his neck, his cheeks, the corners of his lips. "I missed having you like this . . . "

"I love you," he whispered, dipping his head to lay a hot kiss on my neck.

"I love _you_," I whispered back, as Jacob's hips started to withdraw. "So much . . . so _h-hard_."

My voice broke on the last word as Jacob slid back in, brushing across the place that made my toes curl on the bed sheets.

"Hard?" His voice asked, rough and suggestive, in my ear. He withdrew and came back, forcing out another sigh. I felt him grit his teeth against the pleasure.

"So hard," I whimpered back, my leg lifting off the bed almost in reflex, still bent, to rub over Jacob's side. "Jake . . . "

"Ness," he said back, directly in my ear, and then there was the heat of his tongue, flicking. "Baby."

If I hadn't been so delirious with pleasure, I would have smiled at the word.

Jacob made love to me slowly, his body moving in and out of mine languidly, his lips slowly traveling from my own to my neck and down to the tops of my breasts. Neither of us wanted to rush - I had been impatient before, but now that I had him here, I wasn't ready for our connection to end yet.

I'd waited what felt like years and yet was only weeks to have Jacob above me again, and there was nothing like it. His body, huge and hot and strong, covering mine. His weight, deliciously perfect. And his love . . . it topped everything else.

I felt a half-smile against my neck, Jacob's reaction to my body arching hard against him as he stroked passed that place inside of me. Sometimes it just felt better than others. His lips slowly traveled their way back to my ear as his body retreated and then slid back into mine once more. My body gripped him and he let out a sharp breath.

"Too slow, mama?" He asked in my ear, the name making me shiver. It seemed to be becoming a favorite. "Do you need more?"

"Just a little," I panted, lifting my head to take a small trail of sweat from Jacob's neck with my tongue. "Just a little faster, Jake."

Jacob's body obeyed, bracing his arms and knees more firmly, and then beginning a new, slightly faster pace. I wrapped my arms around his back, from under his arms, and spread my legs wider, my body rushing to accommodate the new pace.

"I can't wait - " Jacob panted as our bodies came together again, and again. "I can't wait to take care of you - of this - baby . . . I love you, Nessie. Both of you."

Just like in my dream, my fantasy that kept my hopes alive the entire time Jacob was gone.

I brought my hands to his face and pulled it down to mine, kissing him fervently. His words were too beautiful - his body and his love, they all were too beautiful.

How could I love a person so much? Two people? One the man above me and another not even fully formed? How could my heart possess this much emotion? I felt like it was going to burst out of me, and then nothing would be left.

Jacob's body took its cues from my kisses, finding a new rhythm. He slid lower on the bed, bracing his legs differently, and so the tempo of his thrusts changed. Slow, deep, and grinding. His body against mine, every inch of it.

My body was frayed and tattered in the best possible way. I was dancing on the edge of oblivion. And now it was all up to Jacob. I could feel his body slowly tensing - I think it was easier for him to hold out when I was on top. I didn't care though - he didn't have to wait for me like he thought he did. I knew he would always make sure I was satisfied.

In every way.

"Don't ever think - I'm not happy, Ness," he panted, prying away from my lips to suck at my neck. "I'm so - _so_ hap_py_."

He thrust into me, deep and intense and I cried out softly. The more intimate position allowed Jacob to reach down, only supporting himself with one hand, and bring it down between our bodies. He pressed his thumb into my favorite place, just above where our bodies were joining, and left his other fingers to stretch up and rest on the lowest part of my stomach.

Touching both of us, at the same time.

His swirled his thumb around me and my hips bucked up to meet his. He did it again, swirling In the opposite direction, and I was done. My body was finished. It could hold on no longer.

My body tightened, hard, around Jacob as my muscles went rigid. His fingers and hips kept up their work, thrusting and swirling in a rhythm with each other. I gasped and buried my face in Jacob's shoulder to muffle my noises, but he rolled it back, not allowing me to.

My mouth was covered with his, and he swallowed my cries, kissing me in time with the rest of his body. Groaning loudly into my mouth, Jacob helped me ride my pleasure out, and it was only when my body went lax under his did he remove his hand from my body.

With one last caress to my stomach, he brought his arm back up to brace against the bed. He broke away from my lips, burying his face in my neck, and began the work towards his own release.

My exhausted body registered the pleasure, but the lightening, electric feeling was gone. It was better this way - I could focus on Jacob's pleasure now. I reached up and brought my fingers through Jacob's beautiful hair and raised my legs to wrap around his hips.

"Yes, Jacob," I murmured, turning my head so I could brush my lips over his ear. He always did this for me, and how I loved it, yet I never did it for him. "Your turn now, love - yes, my Jacob - let go. Ah."

"Fuck!" His words were muffled into my neck, but clear. His lips parted on my skin and I gasped as I felt his teeth take a gentle bite. He thrust harder. "Yeah . . . oh, God, Ness . . . "

Then there was the heat, the liquid heat, filling my body. Jacob's gasps filled my ears and my body gripped him of its own accord, helping him along like he always helped me. I reveled in the pleasure, the knowledge that this very thing was what gave me the reason I was so happy.

Jacob, the very essence of him. Inside me, closer than close. The very thing that meant so much to me became the creation of our child.

And now, it was Jacob's pleasure - his happiness and his love. I would always love this part of being with him.

Jacob's thrusts became broken, and he pressed himself fully inside of me. I cradled his head in my hands and buried my fingers in his hair as he moaned out his pleasure.

Tears of happiness welled up and slipped from my eyes as Jacob's body softened above mine. He did his best to hold his weight off of me, but his body still collapsed the smallest bit onto mine.

I turned my head to kiss Jacob's hot, sweat-damp neck. Our gasping breaths slowly died down, our hearts thrumming together back into a slower pace. I knew Jacob heard one more than I did.

With one more hot kiss to my neck, Jacob lifted his head tiredly to face me. The moment was one of the most intimate we had shared. His mouth came down on mine for one of those kisses, those open-mouthed, sweaty, tensionless kisses. The kind we only had after he had just been together.

My lips came back for another, but Jacob's had already moved down to my neck. Only one kiss here before he moved down further, sliding his body down the bed enough for him to reach. He placed an open-mouthed kiss between my breasts as he slipped from between my thighs.

He continued, laying five hot kisses down my stomach, the last over my navel, sliding down my body as needed to do it. I melted into his kisses. Did he want to go again - already?

I realized that wasn't the case when he laid his last kiss, on the lowest part of my belly, the most tender of all. He let his head collapse against my thigh, and brought his eyes up to mine.

I reached down and threaded my fingers through his hair once more. Jacob turned his head on my leg, just enough to press his lips to my inner thigh. Not lustful, just love.

"I love you, Nessie," he said simply. No inflection, just like that. The words and the meaning behind them.

"I love you too, Jacob."

I had never meant it more.

Then slowly, Jacob brought himself back up onto his hands and knees, and crawled back up my body. He laid himself beside me, on his side, and I rolled over to go to him at the same time he pulled me.

I made a sound of contented pleasure as our skin came together again. Jacob's hand slid down to cover my stomach again, and his lips dropped down to kiss mine.

"And I love this baby," he promised, the emotion clear in his voice. I strained up and kissed him again. "Already."

"I'm so glad you know how, Jacob." I lifted my head to rest on Jacob's arm and he pulled me closer. So close, not one secret between us now.

"Me too," he smiled. "I . . . can't wait to do this with you."

I reached my arms up, to wrap around Jacob's neck, and wet my lips with my tongue as I thought. Now . . . I - all my fantasies could come true. All those conversations I had dreamed of having, I could now have them.

"Do you . . . " I fought a smile and tears at the same time. I settled for pressing my lips to Jacob's shoulder and bringing my eyes up to him. Jacob rolled his shoulder back again, smiling at my smile. "Do you think you want . . . a - a boy or a girl?"

To say such a thing out loud, one of the thoughts that had rolled itself around my mind for weeks now - not only out loud, but to my husband - was so liberating. And I honestly wondered at his answer.

Jacob's smile was thoughtful, his eyes dancing, and he held me a little closer.

"I really . . . haven't had time to think about it," he said, quietly, but I could tell he was now. I bit my lip as I waited for his answer. "I think . . . I mean, I would still be _so_ happy either way . . . "

"But?" I prodded.

"But," he continued, that smiled still tugging on the corners of his lips. "I think I might want a - a little girl . . . to look and act just like you."

I couldn't help but smile.

"She wouldn't though," I heard my voice say, the pronoun 'she' making it all so real. "Be just like me. She would . . . take from you too. Your skin and . . . and your hair."

I fingered a lock of it as I spoke. Jacob's eyes roved my face and he smirked.

"Would you still want it if it looked like me?" He asked me, teasing.

I felt my jaw drop. Even as a joke, the idea was impossible. I scooted up higher in his arms.

"_Especially_ if it looks like you," I corrected, tilting my face up and accepting a tender kiss. "Can you imagine? A little boy with long black hair. Running all over the place, getting into everything . . . "

Jacob's smile only grew as I spoke, his arm around me holding me tighter.

"God, Nessie," he said, shaking his head and nuzzling his nose with mine. "We're . . . we're gonna have a baby."

"Yeah, we are," I said, smiling at his amazement, going when he bowed my body further against him and kissed me. "I wonder . . . what everybody's going to say?"

"We'll go to the big house in the morning," Jacob decided. "You need to get checked out, make sure you're . . . both okay. And I know they're gonna be happy, don't worry, honey."

"I'm not," I said, honestly. "You're the only one I was worried about - I was so . . . scared you would be angry with me . . . for keeping it from you."

"I'm sorry you had to worry, baby," he soothed, nuzzling my nose until I lifted my lips high enough for him to kiss. "Thank you for doing that for me . . . I love you so much."

I didn't even say anything back, just gripped his hair tighter and deepened the kiss. Jacob pulled away a few seconds later, breathing slightly labored, and I saw every bit of love he had for me in his eyes.

This was amazing. This was all I ever wanted. There were no more obstacles - no horrible ones at least. Only the one, exciting, kind of scary but doubly welcome, new obstacle ahead of us now.

Jacob kissed me again.

"You've been keeping all of this to yourself for so long," he said shifting one of his legs between mine. "I'm so proud of you."

I smiled to myself, pressing a kiss to his shoulder.

"You don't have to anymore though, honey," he promised. "You can tell me anything. I don't want you to hide anything from me, even for my own good."

Anything. That was the true sign we had weathered the worst of the storm. We had complete openness now.

Jacob pressed his hot lips to my forehead.

"Which do you want?" He asked me softly, his voice sounding strained, yet calm. "A boy or a girl?"

"You know . . . I hadn't even really thought about it until I asked you," I confessed, wriggling my body closer to his, letting the thrum of our hearts sooth me. As the baby grew stronger, would I hear its as well? "But . . . like you said, I'd be _so _happy either way . . . but a little boy would be nice. Just like you."

"If he's like me, he'll be bad," Jacob warned, playfully, but with warm undertones.

"I think I can deal with it," I decided, smiling and imagining it. Our future. "With your help."

"Always." The emotion in Jacob's eyes were . . . very strong. I thought his eyes might be wet, but when I looked again, it was gone. "You'll always have my help, baby."

"That's all I need."

Jacob smiled and pulled back - I scooted back to give him room, seeing that he was tugging down the blankets. He pulled them down and got inside, then looked at me. He touched the place beside him.

"You don't need to get cold," he explained, with that same absent smile. Already so protective.

I crawled towards him and burrowed myself under the covers like he wanted, and into his side.

"Like I can be cold with you here," I teased, hooking one of my legs over his, letting it rest between them. He wrapped his arms around me and I was cocooned in heat. "My hot husband."

Jacob didn't even make a crack at my innuendo. He just shifted a little, helping my body mold itself into him better. Jacob nuzzled my temple and then kissed there.

"I wanna hear some of the things you've been thinking about," he whispered into my ear, making me shiver with pleasure and love.

I nodded and floated my eyes over his face as I thought of what to say first. How did you choose from three weeks of thoughts and worries and fantasies and ideas? What would Jacob most like to hear?

I thought about it for a few long moments before I said, "Names?"

A smile played on Jacob's lips - it seemed like he couldn't get rid of it today. That alone made me ecstatic.

"You already picked out names?" He asked, his eyes bright.

For some reason, this made me blush. I shook my head.

"No . . . just - just ideas," I corrected. I was nervous to tell them to Jacob. "You - of course you would have a say, I'd want you to - "

Jacob's lips cut off my ramblings. His kiss was quick, but persistent.

"Just tell me," he breathed. I nodded.

"O-okay." I took a deep breath - I wasn't sure on Jacob's reaction, whether he would consider it a compliment or an insult. "I was thinking of . . . Sarah, for a girl. And of - of William for a boy."

I watched Jacob's eyes widen, and waited for his reaction. I liked the idea of naming our child after Jacob's parents - I just hoped he did too.

I got my answer when I found myself on my back. Jacob's body covered mine again, his hand holding my face as he kissed me passionately. His tongue found mine and I pressed my hands to his back, opening my connection to him to show him every bit of my love and my joy.

He pulled back, breathlessly, minutes later. I stared deep into his dark, beautiful eyes. I saw my future there. Children and a family and our friends and the rest of forever. I saw forever.

We had come full circle.

"Whatever you want, Nessie," Jacob promised, and his words weren't surprising. He kissed me again, the first kiss of the beginning of forever. "Whatever you want."

_Fin._


End file.
